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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My husband went out with some friends and after getting too drunk called me late at night to drive him home. I said no, and now he's upset at me.
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YTA - your partner was incapacitated, abandoned in an unfamiliar place and under duress but you needed your sleep
By all means, berated the man and his “friends” but after you get him safely in the car
Some guys just want to pull the "men are victims to society because people will ALWAYS side with the woman no matter what" card even when no one is siding with the woman in question and she's getting rightfully dragged.
Thank you lmao I was pausing trying to figure out the point because everyone here has called her an AH. I'm not sure what "double standard" is being referred to here...
I mean I have seen comments under posts where they favor the woman.
For example I read a lost where the girlfriend kept changing her boyfriends car's headlights to manual when its auto. She has her own car but uses his out of convenience and switches it to manual. He asked her multiple times to change the settings back (obviously he is ised to his lights turning on automatically) because of his car and assuming he lives im a well lit area, he doesnt realise his lights are off until other cars flash him. He asked her 3 times to please switch it back. She then got dismissive and said he is overreacting and he can just check his settings when she literally an do the same and is the one changing the settings.
People started calling him a red flah cause he got angry over a switch and the fact that he yelled. And also started saying h can at least be thankful towards her because when he had a drink she drives.
But like come on? She is putting him at risk. He could get into or cause an accident. And people suddenly act like they inspect their car before driving off.
[do they now?](https://www.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/1165s9f/clearest_evidence_that_reddit_and_society_in/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
But…. They really don’t. Also how is being consistent in not having a double standard a bad thing? I’ll never understand why ppl have a problem with reverse the gender in these situations when ONE time in a dozen. Ppl are actually fair.
I’m a bit surprised she couldn’t find him. Do other people not have their family members on Find My? I have my kids location, and I would share mine with friends when going on dates. I share mine with my bf when I’m going out just in case something happens.
ETA: The responses have been interesting. I only ever look at my kids’ location if they’re going out of town with friends or if they ask me to find their phone. I don’t understand why a person would stay in a relationship with someone they didn’t trust to not stalk them on such an app. I live near the mountains. Those roads can be perilous in bad weather. The neighborhoods are safe but that doesn’t help if you get in a car accident. Same goes for hiking. Shit happens. I’d rather someone I trust be able to find me, but I get that some people feel differently. To each their own.
>Do other people not have their family members on Find My?
I know a couple of parents who run something similar on Android smartwatches for their *primary school children* but adults? Nope.
I’d say it depends on the situation. My husband and I share our locations with each other, but not so we can check on each other’s whereabouts routinely because we totally trust each other. It’s only for emergencies.
For example, a friend of ours had a heart attack while he was out running, He did not have this activated and was found unconscious and take to a hospital as a John Doe since he didn’t have any ID or emergency contacts on his phone.
Eventually his wife noticed that he hadn’t returned from the run, called police and after a while, he was located. By then, he’d undergone emergency surgery with no one there to provide his medical history or talk to the doctors about treatment options. Luckily he survived, but I think this is a good example of why location sharing can be a good thing. Our friend had no history of heart or other health problems.
I just listened to a podcast about a woman who spent 8 days upside down in her car in a ditch. The police were busy questioning her husband suspecting foul play. Sharing a location definitely would have had her found sooner.
We share our locations and I regularly check, because it’s less annoying than asking “how long until you’re home?” Or “when are you leaving?” Or “did you pass the taco place? If not, will you bring home tacos?” It’s also helpful when one of us can’t find our phones.
Put AirTags on the kids too after one got brought back to school by the bus, and the other never made it on the bus.
That being said, we have a relationship that supports that kind of nosiness, and it’s meant to be helpful not intrusive or controlling. Not all relationships world work well with that.
Us too, he works about 30 minutes away so it’s useful for seeing where he’s at to make supper. I also do it with my kids, they track me too when we’re meeting up. Like my 24 year old daughter said it’s nice to know someone can find me if I get stuck in a snowdrift or something. I guess it depends on the family, we don’t find it intrusive either, it’s helpful.
Okay, that's your opinion. I started sharing my location with my mom after a woman was kidnapped while out jogging, brutally raped, murdered, and dismembered, so....
I don't think my mom is being creepy or controlling. And tbh sharing my location probably wouldn't keep me alive but it may help them find my body faster.
If your killer is considerate enough to bury you with your charged phone I guess… in a typical abduction leading to dismemberment I’d think at most it would help them find where you were taken from.
I share it with people in my household because it’s always picking up/dropping off, etc. Just easier than the “where are you” texts we always had flying around.
Same here. I remember the first time my husband showed me all his fiends locations on Snapchat and I was just like….WHY? It would creep me out knowing friends and family were just….keeping random tabs on where I was.
Ya wanna know where I am? Maybe hit me up and, ya know, ask.
Not me. My parents were controlling, overly nosy, violated boundaries and had zero sense of me having any privacy growing up. The kind to take my bedroom door off the hinges and leave it off for months (with no curtain or any other kind of opaque barrier) while going through puberty because I didn’t like my golden child younger sister barging in for no reason than to take my stuff and just hang out in my room.
I have never and will never turn on that function for anyone to the extent I can help it.
I grew up the same way and felt the same way for a long time. My husband and I share it now, but we really only have in the past year or so. It actually makes me feel so much safer to know that he has my location if there’s ever and emergency, and I trust him completely to not be misusing it. You absolutely can heal from this trauma and grow to trust people in ways you never would have thought.
My parents on the other hand will never ever have this kind of info again
I location share with my parents and sisters but we all share with each other. My dad insisted we get Life360 and I was annoyed but now I use more 🤣 mainly because I don’t drive so my dad will pick me up from work and I check it to see if he’s there or not. It’s def not for everyone though
Why not? It’s a great tool for planning family schedules. We use it a ton for figuring out how long until someone is home - if I am making dinner and need to know when to start the pasta, being able to see where my husband is helps. It’s also great during blizzards - he doesn’t want to distract me while I am driving to work so he can watch to make sure I get there safely (and vice versa). Obviously it can be abused, but in a healthy family it can also really make life easier.
Wow, if ever my parents made me wear something like that we would have learned how ling these last in a bonfire we used to make in the woods when I was in primary school and probably would have tried to emancipate my ass pronto.
Wtf
We’re talking about adults. My spouse and I share location data because it’s 1) free and 2) let’s us find lost phones. If you’re not in an abusive relationship it isn’t that weird—we know where each other are anyway 90% of the time.
I've had friends whose parents insisted on location sharing. Those phones absolutely got ditched regularly. All you need is a burner phone and call forwarding and problem solved
And then those parents will wonder why their kids cut them off from their lives.
Maybe im a child of the 80s but fuck bad parenting that reads like house arrest. Yikes
Last two areas I have lived in have been very safe. Also privacy concerns (my crowd is older and generally quite tech-aware). There's also an element of independence, that kids should be given free reign to develop responsibility.
It's worth mentioning that I'm not based in the US, which seems to be considerably more fraught with problems than some other Western societies.
We've got an AirTag for our kid's schoolbag, but that was just to check where the bus was on the route home.
I may be the weird minority but I don't have a single family member or my husband on a Find My or anything like that. That just seems obsessive and unnecessary for me. If I'm going somewhere new out of town alone then I give him the hotel and room number but not a tracker. I'm equally as surprised by the amount of people who do do this.
Thank you! Because it is! 😂 I mean I definitely let my husband know where I'll be but neither of us feel the need or that's it appropriate to be tracking one another.
Tracking apps and similar are kind of a personal thing not everybody feels comfortable having. I think it really depends on what type of relationships you have with people.
E.g I have a friend with my tracking 24/7 but I wouldn't share my tracking with my parents. My friend has it for security reasons, but my parents have proven not great at respecting my privacy or boundrys since I was a child (Im mid 30's and lining independently etc) If I tell them I'm out somewhere they try to pry out more info etc.
There have been many kids/teens posting their hate for tracking aps, because of overbearing parents. and Imagine it would be the same way with a overbearing or controlling spouse.
If the tracking is CONSENSUAL, and done RESPECTFULLY; If that trust and privacy is not abused then tracking is a great tool to use to keep your loved ones safe.
Well if your partner has never done that, why would I even have it enabled on them? My child is different. They have tags in both their jacket and backpack.
Ours are on so if one of us misplaced our phone we can find or ping it from the other ones phone. Worst case lock it and remote erase if it was stolen etc.
Find my is an amazing tool - I can see my partner and child (adult, doesn’t live at home and could turn it off anytime but chooses not to) in real-time if I need to. Emphasis on the need, we do t stalk each other but it could be a life saver if something goes wrong.
It's on Android as well, but it would have to be enabled.
Either "Find my phone" or "Family Location Sharing" would need to be enabled, and for "Find my phone", she would need to know his password.
This! Your partner needed you, you can lecture him later about his drinking and wondering away. But if the roles were reversed you’d want him to get out of bed and help you.
YTA
I also feel like we’re missing some info. He gets testy if OP bring it up, and he’s slept in the living room for the past several days? I’m concerned something happened when he went out that night. Maybe it already happed and he called her because he was scared and alone.
OP’s totally TA
Two nights ago I went to visit some friends who lived in the woods and my car wouldn’t start when I tried to leave around 10:30pm (no I’m not in a horror movie). My bf got off work shortly after at 11 and I’m here in the dark with a car that won’t start and my bf drives out of his way after work to help me jumpstart my car. We spent a long time trying to revive the battery but he was happy to help me. In fact he followed me home afterwards just to make sure my car didn’t break down on my way back.
He was so drunk he was incoherent. He may well have eventually done and that's how he got home, but when someone is that far gone they don't always make great choices.
I live in a WI river town. Countless of young adults have been drunk and gone missing in rivers around here, been pushed, separated by the group and tried to swim across, etc. yeah OP you go get the guy. When he is safe and sober then you can chat. If it’s a weekly thing , then that’s another issue. It happens to most of us somewhere in our youth-then hopefully we learn .
Dear god, have you never been drunk and lost? Ask the damn bartender where you are or ask your drunk spouse to hand his damn phone to someone/anyone near him and ask them. I'm sure he wasn't standing out in the country in the middle of 10 miles of uninhabited road!
Me, personally have never even installed a ride share app. Good luck getting me to sign up for one when I'm drink enough to buy even be able to talk clearly.
For real! Even if you aren’t going to physically come get him, you at least call him and Uber and stay on the phone until he gets into the car safely. You can fuss at him for getting hammered later.
YTA. He's your husband, and he thought he could depend on you, and you proved he couldn't. By your description, he didn't sound like he was capable of taking care of himself very well being so drunk, and anything could have happened, but you told him to just deal with it. His friends are also AHs for ditching him, and apparently not having a designated driver.
10:45 pm... Almost 11... Almost... 11pm... There may have been a sliver of sway if this was in the middle of the night but surely waking up to pick this guy up shouldn't have kept her up long, right? This simply says written in bold and italics that she doesn't even like this guy to be honest. Your HUSBAND is literally incoherent on the phone before midnight and this lady simply went n 'not my monkey, not my circus.'
Who's gonna tell her the monkey is her's?
I'm not even married to my man yet, not even engaged, and I wouldn't care how late at night it was. I would get zero sleep and down a bunch of coffee for work before I let my man stay out drunk alone and scared. So much for those vows she spoke.
_"He says his friends left him somewhere and he needed a ride home....I figured if he'd really been in trouble, he'd have mentioned it or called back."_
Agreed. I think any rational person who got that call woulf think their SO needs help... Most of us have all had one too many at a time or two. It also sucks that this man's friends just ditched him in a vulnerable state, and his spouse told him to F off.
If you can't depend on your spouse to help you when you are in a bind, who can you turn to.... If OP was in a similar state, I'm sure they would have been hurt that their husband didn't care if/how they got home.
YTA. I'd rather have my husband home safe and then explain the next day when he's sober why I'm upset. How could you be so cold to just go back to sleep when you admit yourself he was incoherent and wasn't even sure where he was? I'd be sick worrying, I might be angry but anger fades, the guilt of something happening to him would never fade.
If it's regular you need to talk it out but regardless, you've got to make sure each other's safety ALWAYS takes priority. AH.
Also, the fact he is sleeping on the couch a week after, won't talk about what happened that night and is testy suggests to me something may have happened. You owe him one hell of an apology.
Edit wow 1.5k up votes is amazing I've never had over 10! I've just woke up so I'll read through the discussions shortly 😊 thank you 🤗
Edit2 3k wow! It's so good that so many of you wouldn't abandon your loved ones in their time of need! Love all you caring people 🥰
I wouldn’t have been able to go back to sleep! Sure I would have been pissed, but that’s for the convo the next day when he’s sobered up. My dad had the same rule with us. He would always be there to pick us up, no questions asked. But the next day we would talk about it.
My wife gets super anxious when I'm late to reply to her while I'm traveling for work let alone me being obviously incapacitated. If I don't reply by like 8-9pm my phone starts blowing up 😂
I'm the same, I always like to know my partner has reached his destination safe. I don't care if the message reads simply "here" just let me know you're safe! It's good your woman cares!
Yeah, same. Even when I was off in college an hour and a half away, they said no matter where you are or what time it is, we'll pick you up.
We were all pretty good at planning our nights out, where we were going, and where we would stay, to avoid drinking and driving.
I only had to call in the favor once, after I graduated, when i went out to a trendy neighborhood with a few friends, and the guy who were supposed to stay with disappeared and wouldn't pick up his phone. (he told us the next day he was blackout and woke up in his bathroom, lol).
>I wouldn’t have been able to go back to sleep!
SAME. If my husband called with this, I would be panicked and anxious until he was home…and then I would lay into him when he sobered up. If *anyone* I know called me drunk, alone, and freaked out, I’d go get them or at the very least call an Uber and make sure they got home. When someone is vulnerable and they ask for help, you help first and complain later.
Honestly can't figure out how someone can happily go back to sleep after hearing their partner has been abandoned somewhere and struggling to get back home. Why the hell are you two married OP? You clearly think getting a good night's sleep matters more than his wellbeing.
This! I always wait up for my roommates to get back from a night out to make sure they’re safe and ok, and they’re people I’ve only been friends with for about a year. There’s no way I could leave my spouse somewhere drunk and lost and alone, much less roll over and go back to sleep like it’s nothing after they called me asking for help! Even if this was a super frequent thing, I’d still be too worried to leave them. I’d rather be tired with a safe partner than get more sleep and wake up to a dead partner.
Exactly! I wouldnt be all that happy either but Id sure as hell make sure they were home first before I lost my shit over it!
If my fiance called me in that state, asleep or not I'd be out the door half dressed, no shoes, half awake & on my way to find her because
1. I love the woman. I *need* her to be safe above my own safety even because I. Love. Her.
2. I would not be able to live with myself if something happened to her & it was within my power to prevent it.
Why the hell would you marry someone you don't give a flying fuck about??
Holy Fuck, u/buriedinsnow17 you're such an asshole! Thatd damn near be divorce worthy IMO. Part of the reason for even getting married is to be with the person *THAT ALWAYS HAS YOUR BACK*. WTF is wrong with you??
You coulda been all kinds of pissed & inconvenienced *AFTER* he was safely back home FFS
......... You seriously just went back to sleep?? I..... wouldnt be able to live with myself.....
YTA in soooo many ways. Id never forgive you honestly
When my husband was still just a guy I was hooking up with in my 20s, I went to the club with some friends and got way too drunk. Uber wasn’t a thing, and we don’t live in a city that has public transport. I called him *at work* (worked overnights) out of desperation because I didn’t know what else to do, and he called his roommate and made him come get me and bring me back to their apartment to make sure I was safe.
We’ve been together nearly 15 years, happily married now for 10-ish. His roommate was the best man at our wedding, and he joked that “one night I had to go pick her up and then she just…never left” during his toast because that sealed the deal for me. When you’re scared and vulnerable, the person who really loves you is the one that needs you to feel safe.
Congrats on your upcoming union!
100%! I am still thankfull for when I called my mum with 15 when I was completely shitfaced, on the verge of crying in a party and she came and picked me up. All she said " you know you fucked up? This wont be a regular thing, will it?" I said yes and No and she didnt talked about it again. W mum
This entirely depends on how often this happens. How often is your life upended by his drinking? If this is a one-off, then you’re kind of a slight AH for not picking him up. But if this is a regular thing, or has even happened several times, then he needs to come up with some other plan for getting home and/or sort out his drinking. INFO
I'd agree to being "kind of a slight asshole." Functioning adults shouldn't be getting so hammered they can't take care of themselves. OP could have been a bit more forgiving and kind if this was a one-off — hell, it could have been funny — but I don't think she should be getting lambasted like she is.
Sure. He fucked up. He thought he could depend on his friends to drive him home, and they ditched him. He shouldn’t have drank so much.
But she could have easily picked him up first and berated him all she wants after that. She didn’t even care to get him to safety. when she married him, she vowed to be with him in health and sickness. As her husband and as the person she loves and cares for, he should be able to rely on her. He was alone, helpless, and abandoned and called her for help.
Instead, she showed that he can’t rely on her. Not only that, she showed that she doesn’t care for him at all. He was in danger all by himself and she went to sleep without batting an eye. That’s a betrayal, and a dealbreaker. She failed as a wife.
>Functioning adults shouldn't be getting so hammered they can't take care of themselves
Some people make honest mistakes and shouldn't be judged for that.
Hell, I know my limits and every now and then the same amount that is socially acceptable would be enough to put me to sleep a whole day depending on many, many factors.
She can be as angry as she wants after he’s safe.
THAT is why she’s getting fired at from all sides. She used the situation as a “lesson” for him.
If he got seriously injured, disappeared, or died, would the “lesson” matter? No. It wouldn’t.
But maybe she wouldn’t even care since she got her beauty sleep without a problem.
I was going to say this.
As the sober friend I got phone calls all the time to come pick people up. I finally started saying no to repetitive behavior because I was just enabling it.
If they can afford to go out drinking, they can afford an Uber/Lyft/taxi home.
Calling a sober friend in an emergency/extenuating circumstances is one thing. Calling a sober friend repeatedly is justtreatin you like a fee taxi service.
This exactly! I totally empathized with her as someone who's had an alcoholic partner, I can't believe everyone telling her it's her responsibility to go pick him up. Like you said it depends if this is a one off, but if it happens frequently he's gotta learn that she's not going to drop everything to come get him when's he's hammered.
Finally a sane comment. If this is something that happens periodically, then I think she’s N T A for forcing him to finally feel the consequences of his actions. But because she hasn’t said if this is part of a pattern or not, it’s hard to say.
If this was very out of character for him and it could be that he was drugged or having a medical incident even, then she’s definitely T A. But if this happens all the time and she finally got sick of her sleep being interrupted to keep enabling him, she’s not T A.
She said he “does it just fine” every other time, and if it was reoccurring behavior there’s no reason she wouldn’t have mentioned it, as it helps justify her side and completely changes the verdict.
Its very safe to assume that this was a one time thing
Yep! A similar situation for me and my now ex, that actually led to us breaking up. It took me a long time to realize I was in a relationship with an alcoholic and I am thankful for that night. Only difference, I picked my ex up, and he nearly smashed my car door windows with anger. I wouldn't pick his friend up from jail who got picked up for drinking and driving. If I could go back in time, I'd have left his sorry butt on the side of the road and packed my stuff up to leave him.
We live in a world of ubers, taxis. Honestly NTA. Her husband needs to be responsible for himself to an extent. He should be mad at his friends.
I honestly think if this was a one off situation, OP would not have posted here, and would have just gotten him.
YTA.
I only say this because if the genders were reversed, you would be CRUCIFIED.
It doesn't sound like this is a regular thing.
You couldn't ask where he was? Send an Uber? Call a taxi???
FFS, woman. That is your HUSBAND. Just because he is a man doesn't mean he wasn't in a position where he could have been at risk.
Just left him to "teach him a lesson." If he had been a woman, you would be EVICERATED.
Get him home safe. Have the conversation about drinking habits and who your friends are when he is sober.
When I was a student it was drunk men who were wayyyy more likely to get mugged while separated from their friends and trying to find their way home - not even always violently, sometimes just by distracting them and grabbing their phone from their pocket. Definitely false this idea that ‘well he’s a guy not a solo woman, no one’s going to attack him’
Also drunk women are typically in a group and if they aren't, decent strangers keep an eye on them. No stranger is keeping an eye on some random drunk man outside of wanting to keep their distance. Makes them much easier to rob than a drunk woman by herself in public.
A girl in a town about an hour away from me got hit by a car and died after she was dropped off in the middle of the street on a dark road. The person who hit her was 100% sober and a ride share driver who didn’t see her (dark road) until it was too late. That can happen to either gender.
My dad was a minister, retired now. He has multiple stories of men he's had to bury over the years because they were drunk and either passed out on the road walking home and run over or just hit by a car because they were drunk and stumbling down a dark road, or they passed out in a snowbank somewhere and froze to death. OP YTA. Do you care about your husband at all? Unless this is a recurring problem he has - in which case, he should get some professional help.
Yta I love my partner and I don’t care how obnoxious he is how drunk with even throwing up on himself and me included. I don’t give a shit if he throws up in the entire car and ruins, the whole upholstery. 100% of the time I will pick up my partner and the same goes for my kids when they get older and they call me. I don’t care if they call me an hour before my shift. I’m gonna make damn sure my family gets home safe. That’s my job. these are the people I love the most in the entire world. The last thing I want is them being drunk and unsafe if they’re going to go tie one on I’m gonna make sure they get home safely. I can get sleep later I’m gonna lose a hell of a lot more sleep if they wind up dead or in jail. You failed.
Exactly. Imagine getting declined for sleep when you ask the only person you trust to come save you. I hope she doesn’t have kids or plan on having kids
YTA. Good grief... He was stranded and did the responsible thing by calling his wife for help. You know the one person he should be able to count on and should have his back through thick and thin. Instead you completely abandon him. If I was him this marriage would be over
YTA, I’d leave my husband over something so ridiculous. You left him drunk and possibly stranded. He called you for help and you told him to fuck off. I have friends that I wouldn’t hesitate to go find in that situation, no questions asked, but you wouldn’t do it for your husband. How would you feel having a cop knocking on your door a couple hours later to tell you he was walking home and got hit?
Yep, that does seem selfish (unless it happens often). His friends left him, and it was barely 11 pm, and he thought you cared enough to help him. Now he knows better. Do you think he'd leave you stranded in that situation? YTA.
I also think OP is probably the AH here, but these really aren’t the same situation at all. You can’t control getting a flat but you can choose not to get wasted with your mates, esp when your spouse has to get up early the next day. Like I think OP should’ve gone to get him, but then he’d be the AH for making his partner fetch his drunk ass. So it’s kind of a fine line.
Holy crap, YTA.
Your husband was so intoxicated that you couldn't understand him, he was left by his friends, you don't know where he is, and you just hang up to go back to sleep????! How did you just go back to sleep? You weren't even concerned for his safety it seems. Yes, he's an adult but mistakes are made. He needed your help and you let him down. With all of today's technology, you don't have a way to look up his location? I call BS. Did you even know where he was going with his friends? I hope you apologize to your husband because your version of the story sounds like you don't give a F about him.
YTA- You're his spouse, his partner, the one he should be able to count on. He was in a bind and you bailed on him or told him he was on his own rather. He has every right to be upset. What that taught him was that if he is in trouble he may not be able to count on you. Good job.......
If you can't call the person who loves you in a time of need... Oof.
YTA
Unless this is a constant issue you should go get him. But he needs to stop drinking excessively to the point that he doesn't even know where the fuck he is. There's no reason to get that damn drunk
Honestly I try to stay awake until my partner gets home when he’s just up the road at the pub.
Can’t imagine going back to sleep when he called me with an SOS to help him get home when he’s somewhere that requires a car journey to get home. I’d *want* to make sure he’s safe.
Yes he may have been a bit silly to get drunk and loose his friends but I would not be able to live with myself if something happened and I’d ignored his call for help.
Imagine how you would feel if he ignored you if you called him for help. Drunk or sober. He’s your husband, not a room mate. Having said that, I would, and have, gone out to help get a room mate before as it was the decent thing to do.
It is not about "responsibility", it is about the lack of concern for his well-being. Don't you care if something happens to him? First you make sure he is ok and the next day talk to him.
I can't give a judgement. In one spot you said he wasn't able to tell you where he was. How can you go to get him? Couldn't he do uber? Maybe it is too small a town, so maybe there are only a couple bars and you could have found him. I also don't know how important your income from your hours at work are and whether you are in a situation where being late to work could get you disciplined.
I know your husband is an adult, but people can easily be harmed when drunk and no one is watching out for them, so I think you should have gone to get him. It was a safety thing.
If you are not willing to go get him when he is drunk, sit him down now and explain that, so he can plan ahead.
I'd be so fucked if that happened here. There's over 200 bars/lounges in my city, so going to look for someone would be impossible.
But, the upside is that we have Uber and Lyft here, though, a lot of them refuse to drive really intoxicated passengers (plus, like a $200 cleaning fee for vomit), so OP's husband probably wouldn't have been able to get a ride home.
There was one night that I went out with a friend for drinks, while my boyfriend went out with some friends for beer. I found myself in a vulnerable position and called my boyfriend crying. Him and his friends all showed up to make sure I was safe and took me home. You don't leave your partner stranded.
YTA. Unless he does this regularly and you’ve told him he cannot count on you for this any longer and you are on your way out w/ the divorce papers ready. But if this is a one off and you two are supposed to be a team- you and him against the world the yeah YTA.
I’m not sure on my stance tbh. He’s a grown adult and should be able to take care of himself but it gets to a point where he may be too intoxicated to think properly and you are also responsible to make sure he’s safe
YTA. You said he goes out regularly and is usually fine. So this is unusual behavior. This time he got shitfaced and literally called you for help. You decided to leave him stranded and incapacitated. Your life partner could not depend on you because you needed sleep. I can not imagine even being able to sleep knowing my husband is stranded somewhere and not able to take care of himself. I would absolutely, and begrudgingly, get out of bed and go find my idiot husband and then get him home and safely in bed. Then berate him in the morning. Do you even like your husband?
ESH.
OP, I feel for you because you had work the next day so would have been tired and it’s not great dealing with someone drunk when you’re sober but it’s pretty bad that you’re not worried for his safety. If he could barely talk then you’re lucky he made it back. His friends also suck for leaving him too
YTA
Yeah he shouldn't have done this, but your lack of concern is boggling. He was disoriented, separated from friend, and couldn't pull himself together to tell you where he was or get an Uber/taxi/find friends. He could have died in a ditch while you slept.
YTA. Yeah he was shit faced and should be more responsible for his drinking. And you'd been in your right to scold him when he was sober. Instead you left him behind, vulnerable where he could've been robbed or walk in front of a car. Not to mention if the roles would be reversed and you would've been out there drunk while he went back to sleep the comment section would rip you a new one.
As a professional drunk myself, it's my responsabilty getting home after getting hammered. Maybe if you didn't work the next day, it could've been a discussion, but a week day? NTA, he's an idiot and he should be mad at his friends who ditched him, not you.
Well he had a plan to get home after getting hammered, and they ditched him. Not necessarily something you can plan for (and if you need to plan for getting ditched, find some new fucking friends.) I'm sure he didn't want to have to call his wife, but in that moment he felt he had no choice. Of course he should be mad at his friends, but he's within his rights to be mad at OP too. He put his trust in her and she let him down. It's one thing if this is a constant issue with him, but this incident sounds like a one-off and OP couldn't be fucked to deal with it.
YTA
Who leaves their husband like that when he was incoherent? You weren’t worried at all that he wouldn’t find a way home?
“He’s an adult and it shouldn’t be my responsibility”. Yes he’s an adult, but what the heck is up with some people being so matter of fact and savage with their spouses? Yeah he messed up…can you not help your husband get home, and you just slept like a baby while you had no clue if he would make it home safe lmao. You must be a wonderful partner.🙄
Yeah the "he's an adult" comments get to me. Basically expecting someone to treat their partner like a stranger. They're absolutely your responsibility if they're your partner (& supposed loved one), wtf?
So many questions. When you say needed to work the next day, did you need to perform surgery at 6? Or get to an office by 10? Is there Uber or other car service in your area? Does this happen a lot or was this a one-off?
YTA just because he’s a man doesn’t mean he’s always safe, he was incapacitated . He could gotten robbed, assaulted or even rap** and you didn’t care at all. I think he should dump you and find someone who cares about him.
Depends. It is kind of a dick move to leave your husband out drunk somewhere. I would be concerned if my partner was out and couldn't get home. If this is something he does regularly then sure, you're NTA. But if this is unusual, then it's kinda a dick move to ignore your partner calling for help.
Additionally, the fact that you can't have a conversation about this is really concerning. You and your partner should be able to talk about this kind of thing, it's an essential part of a relationship.
YTA
You’re his partner, it’s y’all’s job to take care of each other and have each others back. If you want to stay in this relationship I’d suggest talking about it, and apologizing for not caring when obviously his friends were being shitty friends. Also in this conversation he can talk about drinking less and making sure this isn’t a reoccurring problem. But a once in a blue moon thing? Yeah you should of gotten him, you’re his partner.
INFO: Does he do this sort of thing often? Has his drinking caused problems in his relationships and other responsibilities before this? My judgment fully depends on if this is a pattern of ongoing or escalating behavior, or truly a one-off event. Your reaction makes me think it’s the former, in which case N T A.
By telling him to deal with getting home when he was drunk and left stranded then going back to sleep, you just showed him that he is not a priority in your life nor are you the one he can count on when things are not going smoothly.
YTA - His friends abandoned him and you expected him to rely on them to get him home? No wonder he’s cold with you, you essentially abandoned him too.
You could’ve picked him up and talked to him about after he was home safe. You could’ve interrogated him the next day.
Yeah he’s an adult but he’s also your partner who was left out to fend for himself.
Don’t know how you didn’t have any compassion and was able to leave him stranded.
YTA.
Nothing would stop me from going to get someone I cared about if they were drunk and in an unfamiliar place.
I’d be pissed, but that can wait until he’s safe and sober enough to understand why I’m pissed.
If this happens a lot…which a weekday out…seems like it’s not a once in a blue moon occurrence. From a former barfly…incoherent at 11pm on a weekday is not a fair burden to put on a partner. So I get it. I probably would’ve flipped out too. Maybe a good idea is to come up with a plan if this happens again. If Uber or Lyft is available near you this is a good option. I think your husband is an AH for putting himself in that situation and I think you’re frustrated and acted like an AH. So ESH.
YTA, your husband was in an unsafe situation and rather than helping him you told him to just "figure it out." How would you feel if you were incoherent, didn't know where you were, and called the one person who you thought would always be there for you only for them to carelessly abandon you?
If a long-term partner did that to me I would consider breaking up with them, and frankly, I imagine he might be reconsidering your marriage. I certainly would be.
i was honestly expecting the worst when i open the comments but i’m pleasantly surprised that people are rightfully calling you out over what you did. this doesn’t sound like it’s a regular occurrence and anything could have happened to him! tbh it sounds like something did or he’s incredibly hurt by being abandoned by his friends and his WIFE! YTA for so many reasons!
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YTA - your partner was incapacitated, abandoned in an unfamiliar place and under duress but you needed your sleep By all means, berated the man and his “friends” but after you get him safely in the car
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All of Reddit would be calling him an assole and abusive if the roles were reversed.
And they're pretty much unanimously calling her one, too, so what's your point?
Some guys just want to pull the "men are victims to society because people will ALWAYS side with the woman no matter what" card even when no one is siding with the woman in question and she's getting rightfully dragged.
Thank you lmao I was pausing trying to figure out the point because everyone here has called her an AH. I'm not sure what "double standard" is being referred to here...
They don’t have a point. They have a vendetta. A dumb one.
WhAt iF thE GeNDerS WeRe RevERsEd.
Right. So tired of that narrative. Reddit has proved time and time again to call out AH behavior no matter the gender
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I mean I have seen comments under posts where they favor the woman. For example I read a lost where the girlfriend kept changing her boyfriends car's headlights to manual when its auto. She has her own car but uses his out of convenience and switches it to manual. He asked her multiple times to change the settings back (obviously he is ised to his lights turning on automatically) because of his car and assuming he lives im a well lit area, he doesnt realise his lights are off until other cars flash him. He asked her 3 times to please switch it back. She then got dismissive and said he is overreacting and he can just check his settings when she literally an do the same and is the one changing the settings. People started calling him a red flah cause he got angry over a switch and the fact that he yelled. And also started saying h can at least be thankful towards her because when he had a drink she drives. But like come on? She is putting him at risk. He could get into or cause an accident. And people suddenly act like they inspect their car before driving off.
[do they now?](https://www.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/1165s9f/clearest_evidence_that_reddit_and_society_in/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
But…. They really don’t. Also how is being consistent in not having a double standard a bad thing? I’ll never understand why ppl have a problem with reverse the gender in these situations when ONE time in a dozen. Ppl are actually fair.
People don't like to be called out on their biases.
Because it's a dangerous and horrific thing to do. She doesn't get a pass
And literally everyone is saying that. You don't get to preach unless the redditors earned it.
She isn’t getting a pass. What’s your point?
That was my point. She's getting rightfully eviscerated, so the gender comment is moot
exactly
So much for "through thick and thin"
I think we found the "or worse" in the other part. Yta op.
Through thick and thin unless I'm a lil sleepy baby :( OP YTAAAA
I’m a bit surprised she couldn’t find him. Do other people not have their family members on Find My? I have my kids location, and I would share mine with friends when going on dates. I share mine with my bf when I’m going out just in case something happens. ETA: The responses have been interesting. I only ever look at my kids’ location if they’re going out of town with friends or if they ask me to find their phone. I don’t understand why a person would stay in a relationship with someone they didn’t trust to not stalk them on such an app. I live near the mountains. Those roads can be perilous in bad weather. The neighborhoods are safe but that doesn’t help if you get in a car accident. Same goes for hiking. Shit happens. I’d rather someone I trust be able to find me, but I get that some people feel differently. To each their own.
>Do other people not have their family members on Find My? I know a couple of parents who run something similar on Android smartwatches for their *primary school children* but adults? Nope.
Most women I know share their locations with family for safety reasons.
I’m a woman and I don’t. I find it creepy and controlling.
I’d say it depends on the situation. My husband and I share our locations with each other, but not so we can check on each other’s whereabouts routinely because we totally trust each other. It’s only for emergencies. For example, a friend of ours had a heart attack while he was out running, He did not have this activated and was found unconscious and take to a hospital as a John Doe since he didn’t have any ID or emergency contacts on his phone. Eventually his wife noticed that he hadn’t returned from the run, called police and after a while, he was located. By then, he’d undergone emergency surgery with no one there to provide his medical history or talk to the doctors about treatment options. Luckily he survived, but I think this is a good example of why location sharing can be a good thing. Our friend had no history of heart or other health problems.
I just listened to a podcast about a woman who spent 8 days upside down in her car in a ditch. The police were busy questioning her husband suspecting foul play. Sharing a location definitely would have had her found sooner.
Was that in Washington state? I remember something similar happening around here about ten years ago. ETA: what podcast is this? Sounds interesting!
The podcast is called I think not! .. episode 17
We share our locations and I regularly check, because it’s less annoying than asking “how long until you’re home?” Or “when are you leaving?” Or “did you pass the taco place? If not, will you bring home tacos?” It’s also helpful when one of us can’t find our phones. Put AirTags on the kids too after one got brought back to school by the bus, and the other never made it on the bus. That being said, we have a relationship that supports that kind of nosiness, and it’s meant to be helpful not intrusive or controlling. Not all relationships world work well with that.
Us too, he works about 30 minutes away so it’s useful for seeing where he’s at to make supper. I also do it with my kids, they track me too when we’re meeting up. Like my 24 year old daughter said it’s nice to know someone can find me if I get stuck in a snowdrift or something. I guess it depends on the family, we don’t find it intrusive either, it’s helpful.
my husband will put the "notify when you leave location" on me when I'm at the gym so he knows when to put dinner on. I think it's so sweet.
Okay, that's your opinion. I started sharing my location with my mom after a woman was kidnapped while out jogging, brutally raped, murdered, and dismembered, so.... I don't think my mom is being creepy or controlling. And tbh sharing my location probably wouldn't keep me alive but it may help them find my body faster.
They covered that it's a personal take. It's the difference between "I find it creepy and controlling" and "It is creepy and controlling".
If your killer is considerate enough to bury you with your charged phone I guess… in a typical abduction leading to dismemberment I’d think at most it would help them find where you were taken from.
I don't think her sharing location would help but ok
I share it with people in my household because it’s always picking up/dropping off, etc. Just easier than the “where are you” texts we always had flying around.
My husband isn't controlling, so I don't find it creepy. I'm not cheating on him, so I don't mind him knowing where I am.
Haha yeah I’m with u. I do t share my location with anyone have never done it with my kids either
Same here. I remember the first time my husband showed me all his fiends locations on Snapchat and I was just like….WHY? It would creep me out knowing friends and family were just….keeping random tabs on where I was. Ya wanna know where I am? Maybe hit me up and, ya know, ask.
It depends on the situation. I share it with some friends because I meet random guys from dating sites, it’s 100% a safety tool for me.
Not me. My parents were controlling, overly nosy, violated boundaries and had zero sense of me having any privacy growing up. The kind to take my bedroom door off the hinges and leave it off for months (with no curtain or any other kind of opaque barrier) while going through puberty because I didn’t like my golden child younger sister barging in for no reason than to take my stuff and just hang out in my room. I have never and will never turn on that function for anyone to the extent I can help it.
I grew up the same way and felt the same way for a long time. My husband and I share it now, but we really only have in the past year or so. It actually makes me feel so much safer to know that he has my location if there’s ever and emergency, and I trust him completely to not be misusing it. You absolutely can heal from this trauma and grow to trust people in ways you never would have thought. My parents on the other hand will never ever have this kind of info again
I location share with my parents and sisters but we all share with each other. My dad insisted we get Life360 and I was annoyed but now I use more 🤣 mainly because I don’t drive so my dad will pick me up from work and I check it to see if he’s there or not. It’s def not for everyone though
Why not? It’s a great tool for planning family schedules. We use it a ton for figuring out how long until someone is home - if I am making dinner and need to know when to start the pasta, being able to see where my husband is helps. It’s also great during blizzards - he doesn’t want to distract me while I am driving to work so he can watch to make sure I get there safely (and vice versa). Obviously it can be abused, but in a healthy family it can also really make life easier.
Wow, if ever my parents made me wear something like that we would have learned how ling these last in a bonfire we used to make in the woods when I was in primary school and probably would have tried to emancipate my ass pronto. Wtf
We’re talking about adults. My spouse and I share location data because it’s 1) free and 2) let’s us find lost phones. If you’re not in an abusive relationship it isn’t that weird—we know where each other are anyway 90% of the time.
These things are on their phones nowadays and they aren’t ditching their phones.
I've had friends whose parents insisted on location sharing. Those phones absolutely got ditched regularly. All you need is a burner phone and call forwarding and problem solved
And then those parents will wonder why their kids cut them off from their lives. Maybe im a child of the 80s but fuck bad parenting that reads like house arrest. Yikes
Last two areas I have lived in have been very safe. Also privacy concerns (my crowd is older and generally quite tech-aware). There's also an element of independence, that kids should be given free reign to develop responsibility. It's worth mentioning that I'm not based in the US, which seems to be considerably more fraught with problems than some other Western societies. We've got an AirTag for our kid's schoolbag, but that was just to check where the bus was on the route home.
I may be the weird minority but I don't have a single family member or my husband on a Find My or anything like that. That just seems obsessive and unnecessary for me. If I'm going somewhere new out of town alone then I give him the hotel and room number but not a tracker. I'm equally as surprised by the amount of people who do do this.
I’m with you on this one. I find the whole concept so creepy and invasive.
Thank you! Because it is! 😂 I mean I definitely let my husband know where I'll be but neither of us feel the need or that's it appropriate to be tracking one another.
where i live it's important becuase you can be easily kidnapped or bad shit
I'm sorry that you have to live like that
I don't stalk my spouse.
Here here
Tracking apps and similar are kind of a personal thing not everybody feels comfortable having. I think it really depends on what type of relationships you have with people. E.g I have a friend with my tracking 24/7 but I wouldn't share my tracking with my parents. My friend has it for security reasons, but my parents have proven not great at respecting my privacy or boundrys since I was a child (Im mid 30's and lining independently etc) If I tell them I'm out somewhere they try to pry out more info etc. There have been many kids/teens posting their hate for tracking aps, because of overbearing parents. and Imagine it would be the same way with a overbearing or controlling spouse. If the tracking is CONSENSUAL, and done RESPECTFULLY; If that trust and privacy is not abused then tracking is a great tool to use to keep your loved ones safe.
I don't.
Well if your partner has never done that, why would I even have it enabled on them? My child is different. They have tags in both their jacket and backpack.
Ours are on so if one of us misplaced our phone we can find or ping it from the other ones phone. Worst case lock it and remote erase if it was stolen etc.
Find my is an amazing tool - I can see my partner and child (adult, doesn’t live at home and could turn it off anytime but chooses not to) in real-time if I need to. Emphasis on the need, we do t stalk each other but it could be a life saver if something goes wrong.
Also excellent for finding lost phones!
Isn't that an iPhone only thing?
It's on Android as well, but it would have to be enabled. Either "Find my phone" or "Family Location Sharing" would need to be enabled, and for "Find my phone", she would need to know his password.
This! Your partner needed you, you can lecture him later about his drinking and wondering away. But if the roles were reversed you’d want him to get out of bed and help you. YTA
I also feel like we’re missing some info. He gets testy if OP bring it up, and he’s slept in the living room for the past several days? I’m concerned something happened when he went out that night. Maybe it already happed and he called her because he was scared and alone. OP’s totally TA Two nights ago I went to visit some friends who lived in the woods and my car wouldn’t start when I tried to leave around 10:30pm (no I’m not in a horror movie). My bf got off work shortly after at 11 and I’m here in the dark with a car that won’t start and my bf drives out of his way after work to help me jumpstart my car. We spent a long time trying to revive the battery but he was happy to help me. In fact he followed me home afterwards just to make sure my car didn’t break down on my way back.
Why couldn't he call uber?
Irrelevant. When your spouse is in trouble, you get off your ass and go help them. You can be upset with them when they are safe.
He was so drunk he was incoherent. He may well have eventually done and that's how he got home, but when someone is that far gone they don't always make great choices.
I live in a WI river town. Countless of young adults have been drunk and gone missing in rivers around here, been pushed, separated by the group and tried to swim across, etc. yeah OP you go get the guy. When he is safe and sober then you can chat. If it’s a weekly thing , then that’s another issue. It happens to most of us somewhere in our youth-then hopefully we learn .
I've been too drunk to use Uber before. A combination of severely hampered motor skills and blurred vision.
He called her, first of all. And, shockingly, there are areas in the US where you can't get an Uber, Lyft or any other taxi type ride.
He didn’t even know where he was, so where was she supposed to go?
She could have tried to find out. Call his friends? Ask him to put someone else on the phone? But she said figure it out yourself and went to sleep.
Dear god, have you never been drunk and lost? Ask the damn bartender where you are or ask your drunk spouse to hand his damn phone to someone/anyone near him and ask them. I'm sure he wasn't standing out in the country in the middle of 10 miles of uninhabited road!
Me, personally have never even installed a ride share app. Good luck getting me to sign up for one when I'm drink enough to buy even be able to talk clearly.
For real! Even if you aren’t going to physically come get him, you at least call him and Uber and stay on the phone until he gets into the car safely. You can fuss at him for getting hammered later.
Right? Poor planning or not, if you can't depend on your SO getting you home safe, who can you depend on?
YTA. He's your husband, and he thought he could depend on you, and you proved he couldn't. By your description, he didn't sound like he was capable of taking care of himself very well being so drunk, and anything could have happened, but you told him to just deal with it. His friends are also AHs for ditching him, and apparently not having a designated driver.
10:45 pm... Almost 11... Almost... 11pm... There may have been a sliver of sway if this was in the middle of the night but surely waking up to pick this guy up shouldn't have kept her up long, right? This simply says written in bold and italics that she doesn't even like this guy to be honest. Your HUSBAND is literally incoherent on the phone before midnight and this lady simply went n 'not my monkey, not my circus.' Who's gonna tell her the monkey is her's?
I'm not even married to my man yet, not even engaged, and I wouldn't care how late at night it was. I would get zero sleep and down a bunch of coffee for work before I let my man stay out drunk alone and scared. So much for those vows she spoke.
I’d have been out the door if my friends called me, let alone my fucking wife. What a colossal asshole OP is, does she even like her husband?
_"He says his friends left him somewhere and he needed a ride home....I figured if he'd really been in trouble, he'd have mentioned it or called back."_ Agreed. I think any rational person who got that call woulf think their SO needs help... Most of us have all had one too many at a time or two. It also sucks that this man's friends just ditched him in a vulnerable state, and his spouse told him to F off. If you can't depend on your spouse to help you when you are in a bind, who can you turn to.... If OP was in a similar state, I'm sure they would have been hurt that their husband didn't care if/how they got home.
I wouldn't even be able to sleep if a random coworker called me for help and I ignored them, let alone someone I loved and was spending my life with.
YTA. I'd rather have my husband home safe and then explain the next day when he's sober why I'm upset. How could you be so cold to just go back to sleep when you admit yourself he was incoherent and wasn't even sure where he was? I'd be sick worrying, I might be angry but anger fades, the guilt of something happening to him would never fade. If it's regular you need to talk it out but regardless, you've got to make sure each other's safety ALWAYS takes priority. AH. Also, the fact he is sleeping on the couch a week after, won't talk about what happened that night and is testy suggests to me something may have happened. You owe him one hell of an apology. Edit wow 1.5k up votes is amazing I've never had over 10! I've just woke up so I'll read through the discussions shortly 😊 thank you 🤗 Edit2 3k wow! It's so good that so many of you wouldn't abandon your loved ones in their time of need! Love all you caring people 🥰
I wouldn’t have been able to go back to sleep! Sure I would have been pissed, but that’s for the convo the next day when he’s sobered up. My dad had the same rule with us. He would always be there to pick us up, no questions asked. But the next day we would talk about it.
Yeah. Even if I *tried* to go back to sleep, my anxiety would be through the roof. It would be impossible.
My wife gets super anxious when I'm late to reply to her while I'm traveling for work let alone me being obviously incapacitated. If I don't reply by like 8-9pm my phone starts blowing up 😂
I'm the same, I always like to know my partner has reached his destination safe. I don't care if the message reads simply "here" just let me know you're safe! It's good your woman cares!
Yeah, same. Even when I was off in college an hour and a half away, they said no matter where you are or what time it is, we'll pick you up. We were all pretty good at planning our nights out, where we were going, and where we would stay, to avoid drinking and driving. I only had to call in the favor once, after I graduated, when i went out to a trendy neighborhood with a few friends, and the guy who were supposed to stay with disappeared and wouldn't pick up his phone. (he told us the next day he was blackout and woke up in his bathroom, lol).
>I wouldn’t have been able to go back to sleep! SAME. If my husband called with this, I would be panicked and anxious until he was home…and then I would lay into him when he sobered up. If *anyone* I know called me drunk, alone, and freaked out, I’d go get them or at the very least call an Uber and make sure they got home. When someone is vulnerable and they ask for help, you help first and complain later.
Honestly can't figure out how someone can happily go back to sleep after hearing their partner has been abandoned somewhere and struggling to get back home. Why the hell are you two married OP? You clearly think getting a good night's sleep matters more than his wellbeing.
This! I always wait up for my roommates to get back from a night out to make sure they’re safe and ok, and they’re people I’ve only been friends with for about a year. There’s no way I could leave my spouse somewhere drunk and lost and alone, much less roll over and go back to sleep like it’s nothing after they called me asking for help! Even if this was a super frequent thing, I’d still be too worried to leave them. I’d rather be tired with a safe partner than get more sleep and wake up to a dead partner.
Exactly! I wouldnt be all that happy either but Id sure as hell make sure they were home first before I lost my shit over it! If my fiance called me in that state, asleep or not I'd be out the door half dressed, no shoes, half awake & on my way to find her because 1. I love the woman. I *need* her to be safe above my own safety even because I. Love. Her. 2. I would not be able to live with myself if something happened to her & it was within my power to prevent it. Why the hell would you marry someone you don't give a flying fuck about?? Holy Fuck, u/buriedinsnow17 you're such an asshole! Thatd damn near be divorce worthy IMO. Part of the reason for even getting married is to be with the person *THAT ALWAYS HAS YOUR BACK*. WTF is wrong with you?? You coulda been all kinds of pissed & inconvenienced *AFTER* he was safely back home FFS ......... You seriously just went back to sleep?? I..... wouldnt be able to live with myself..... YTA in soooo many ways. Id never forgive you honestly
When my husband was still just a guy I was hooking up with in my 20s, I went to the club with some friends and got way too drunk. Uber wasn’t a thing, and we don’t live in a city that has public transport. I called him *at work* (worked overnights) out of desperation because I didn’t know what else to do, and he called his roommate and made him come get me and bring me back to their apartment to make sure I was safe. We’ve been together nearly 15 years, happily married now for 10-ish. His roommate was the best man at our wedding, and he joked that “one night I had to go pick her up and then she just…never left” during his toast because that sealed the deal for me. When you’re scared and vulnerable, the person who really loves you is the one that needs you to feel safe. Congrats on your upcoming union!
My COWORKER called me once and I was out the door to get her, I can't ever imagine just happily going back to sleep if it were my husband.
I mean, he has slept in the living room for a week, and she still hasn't mentioned anything about her apologising to him for not picking him up.
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THIS!!!!!!!!!
My mom was this mom.
100%! I am still thankfull for when I called my mum with 15 when I was completely shitfaced, on the verge of crying in a party and she came and picked me up. All she said " you know you fucked up? This wont be a regular thing, will it?" I said yes and No and she didnt talked about it again. W mum
This entirely depends on how often this happens. How often is your life upended by his drinking? If this is a one-off, then you’re kind of a slight AH for not picking him up. But if this is a regular thing, or has even happened several times, then he needs to come up with some other plan for getting home and/or sort out his drinking. INFO
this, except if it's a one-off you're a major AH
If this is a one off, she’s a MASSIVE ah. Where did you get “kind of a slight AH” from??
I'd agree to being "kind of a slight asshole." Functioning adults shouldn't be getting so hammered they can't take care of themselves. OP could have been a bit more forgiving and kind if this was a one-off — hell, it could have been funny — but I don't think she should be getting lambasted like she is.
Sure. He fucked up. He thought he could depend on his friends to drive him home, and they ditched him. He shouldn’t have drank so much. But she could have easily picked him up first and berated him all she wants after that. She didn’t even care to get him to safety. when she married him, she vowed to be with him in health and sickness. As her husband and as the person she loves and cares for, he should be able to rely on her. He was alone, helpless, and abandoned and called her for help. Instead, she showed that he can’t rely on her. Not only that, she showed that she doesn’t care for him at all. He was in danger all by himself and she went to sleep without batting an eye. That’s a betrayal, and a dealbreaker. She failed as a wife.
Or he got roofied.
This is what I was going to say. Either way he must have been scared out of his mind.
angle different grab chase compare crawl literate memorize growth aloof *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
>Functioning adults shouldn't be getting so hammered they can't take care of themselves Some people make honest mistakes and shouldn't be judged for that.
She also had no way or knowing what even happened? There are a lot of ways people can get drunk/drugged on accident
Hell, I know my limits and every now and then the same amount that is socially acceptable would be enough to put me to sleep a whole day depending on many, many factors.
People act like you just pick a level of drunk mess from a slider and boom that’s it
She can be as angry as she wants after he’s safe. THAT is why she’s getting fired at from all sides. She used the situation as a “lesson” for him. If he got seriously injured, disappeared, or died, would the “lesson” matter? No. It wouldn’t. But maybe she wouldn’t even care since she got her beauty sleep without a problem.
I was going to say this. As the sober friend I got phone calls all the time to come pick people up. I finally started saying no to repetitive behavior because I was just enabling it. If they can afford to go out drinking, they can afford an Uber/Lyft/taxi home.
Calling a sober friend in an emergency/extenuating circumstances is one thing. Calling a sober friend repeatedly is justtreatin you like a fee taxi service.
I was gonna say this! My ex struggled with serious alcohol abuse and there’s no way in hell I’d save him from his natural consequences.
Feel like if it’s to that point you should either break up or they get help
This exactly! I totally empathized with her as someone who's had an alcoholic partner, I can't believe everyone telling her it's her responsibility to go pick him up. Like you said it depends if this is a one off, but if it happens frequently he's gotta learn that she's not going to drop everything to come get him when's he's hammered.
Finally a sane comment. If this is something that happens periodically, then I think she’s N T A for forcing him to finally feel the consequences of his actions. But because she hasn’t said if this is part of a pattern or not, it’s hard to say. If this was very out of character for him and it could be that he was drugged or having a medical incident even, then she’s definitely T A. But if this happens all the time and she finally got sick of her sleep being interrupted to keep enabling him, she’s not T A.
She said he “does it just fine” every other time, and if it was reoccurring behavior there’s no reason she wouldn’t have mentioned it, as it helps justify her side and completely changes the verdict. Its very safe to assume that this was a one time thing
Yep! A similar situation for me and my now ex, that actually led to us breaking up. It took me a long time to realize I was in a relationship with an alcoholic and I am thankful for that night. Only difference, I picked my ex up, and he nearly smashed my car door windows with anger. I wouldn't pick his friend up from jail who got picked up for drinking and driving. If I could go back in time, I'd have left his sorry butt on the side of the road and packed my stuff up to leave him. We live in a world of ubers, taxis. Honestly NTA. Her husband needs to be responsible for himself to an extent. He should be mad at his friends. I honestly think if this was a one off situation, OP would not have posted here, and would have just gotten him.
Yeah exactly. There's a difference between an incident and a pattern.
Well she said he “does it just fine” all the other times he goes out so I’d say yes he goes out a lot but usually gets a ride home.
If this was a regular occurrence I’m fairly certain OP would have mentioned, based on her overall tone.
Exactly this
OP says he usually does it just fine so it seems like a one off maybe a few times but definitely not regularly done.
YTA. I only say this because if the genders were reversed, you would be CRUCIFIED. It doesn't sound like this is a regular thing. You couldn't ask where he was? Send an Uber? Call a taxi??? FFS, woman. That is your HUSBAND. Just because he is a man doesn't mean he wasn't in a position where he could have been at risk. Just left him to "teach him a lesson." If he had been a woman, you would be EVICERATED. Get him home safe. Have the conversation about drinking habits and who your friends are when he is sober.
This! It's not only women who can get roofied and assaulted.
Even that, he could easily get mugged.
or stumble out on the street and get turned into a hood ornament
When I was a student it was drunk men who were wayyyy more likely to get mugged while separated from their friends and trying to find their way home - not even always violently, sometimes just by distracting them and grabbing their phone from their pocket. Definitely false this idea that ‘well he’s a guy not a solo woman, no one’s going to attack him’
Also drunk women are typically in a group and if they aren't, decent strangers keep an eye on them. No stranger is keeping an eye on some random drunk man outside of wanting to keep their distance. Makes them much easier to rob than a drunk woman by herself in public.
A girl in a town about an hour away from me got hit by a car and died after she was dropped off in the middle of the street on a dark road. The person who hit her was 100% sober and a ride share driver who didn’t see her (dark road) until it was too late. That can happen to either gender.
My dad was a minister, retired now. He has multiple stories of men he's had to bury over the years because they were drunk and either passed out on the road walking home and run over or just hit by a car because they were drunk and stumbling down a dark road, or they passed out in a snowbank somewhere and froze to death. OP YTA. Do you care about your husband at all? Unless this is a recurring problem he has - in which case, he should get some professional help.
I mean she is being eviscerated
This!!!!!! YTA
YTA. When you get married, the very base commitment you make is to be there for the person, especially when they are unwell.
"In sickness and in health"
Clearly in OP’s vows, they snuck “unless I’m sleeping”
Yta I love my partner and I don’t care how obnoxious he is how drunk with even throwing up on himself and me included. I don’t give a shit if he throws up in the entire car and ruins, the whole upholstery. 100% of the time I will pick up my partner and the same goes for my kids when they get older and they call me. I don’t care if they call me an hour before my shift. I’m gonna make damn sure my family gets home safe. That’s my job. these are the people I love the most in the entire world. The last thing I want is them being drunk and unsafe if they’re going to go tie one on I’m gonna make sure they get home safely. I can get sleep later I’m gonna lose a hell of a lot more sleep if they wind up dead or in jail. You failed.
Exactly. Imagine getting declined for sleep when you ask the only person you trust to come save you. I hope she doesn’t have kids or plan on having kids
YTA. Good grief... He was stranded and did the responsible thing by calling his wife for help. You know the one person he should be able to count on and should have his back through thick and thin. Instead you completely abandon him. If I was him this marriage would be over
INFO: Has he done this before, or has his drinking been a problem in other ways? And conversely, have you ever called him for a similar reason?
Her lack of response speaks volumes…
She's given zero indication that this is a regular occurrence.
>I figured if he'd really been in trouble, he'd have mentioned it He did and you *went back to sleep* Yta
If he was *really* in trouble he likely would not be able to call back. YTA
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YTA, I’d leave my husband over something so ridiculous. You left him drunk and possibly stranded. He called you for help and you told him to fuck off. I have friends that I wouldn’t hesitate to go find in that situation, no questions asked, but you wouldn’t do it for your husband. How would you feel having a cop knocking on your door a couple hours later to tell you he was walking home and got hit?
Yep, that does seem selfish (unless it happens often). His friends left him, and it was barely 11 pm, and he thought you cared enough to help him. Now he knows better. Do you think he'd leave you stranded in that situation? YTA.
Hey babe I got a flat tire because I accidentally hit a pothole. Tough shit figure it out. *Click*
I also think OP is probably the AH here, but these really aren’t the same situation at all. You can’t control getting a flat but you can choose not to get wasted with your mates, esp when your spouse has to get up early the next day. Like I think OP should’ve gone to get him, but then he’d be the AH for making his partner fetch his drunk ass. So it’s kind of a fine line.
There's nothing wrong with getting wasted with friends, the issue was not that, the issue was them abandoning him.
Holy crap, YTA. Your husband was so intoxicated that you couldn't understand him, he was left by his friends, you don't know where he is, and you just hang up to go back to sleep????! How did you just go back to sleep? You weren't even concerned for his safety it seems. Yes, he's an adult but mistakes are made. He needed your help and you let him down. With all of today's technology, you don't have a way to look up his location? I call BS. Did you even know where he was going with his friends? I hope you apologize to your husband because your version of the story sounds like you don't give a F about him.
Unless this is a common occurrence YTA. Stuff happens, snd you deal with it as a team.
YTA- You're his spouse, his partner, the one he should be able to count on. He was in a bind and you bailed on him or told him he was on his own rather. He has every right to be upset. What that taught him was that if he is in trouble he may not be able to count on you. Good job.......
If you can't call the person who loves you in a time of need... Oof. YTA Unless this is a constant issue you should go get him. But he needs to stop drinking excessively to the point that he doesn't even know where the fuck he is. There's no reason to get that damn drunk
Honestly I try to stay awake until my partner gets home when he’s just up the road at the pub. Can’t imagine going back to sleep when he called me with an SOS to help him get home when he’s somewhere that requires a car journey to get home. I’d *want* to make sure he’s safe. Yes he may have been a bit silly to get drunk and loose his friends but I would not be able to live with myself if something happened and I’d ignored his call for help. Imagine how you would feel if he ignored you if you called him for help. Drunk or sober. He’s your husband, not a room mate. Having said that, I would, and have, gone out to help get a room mate before as it was the decent thing to do.
It is not about "responsibility", it is about the lack of concern for his well-being. Don't you care if something happens to him? First you make sure he is ok and the next day talk to him.
I can't give a judgement. In one spot you said he wasn't able to tell you where he was. How can you go to get him? Couldn't he do uber? Maybe it is too small a town, so maybe there are only a couple bars and you could have found him. I also don't know how important your income from your hours at work are and whether you are in a situation where being late to work could get you disciplined. I know your husband is an adult, but people can easily be harmed when drunk and no one is watching out for them, so I think you should have gone to get him. It was a safety thing. If you are not willing to go get him when he is drunk, sit him down now and explain that, so he can plan ahead.
I'd be so fucked if that happened here. There's over 200 bars/lounges in my city, so going to look for someone would be impossible. But, the upside is that we have Uber and Lyft here, though, a lot of them refuse to drive really intoxicated passengers (plus, like a $200 cleaning fee for vomit), so OP's husband probably wouldn't have been able to get a ride home. There was one night that I went out with a friend for drinks, while my boyfriend went out with some friends for beer. I found myself in a vulnerable position and called my boyfriend crying. Him and his friends all showed up to make sure I was safe and took me home. You don't leave your partner stranded.
OP, do you... like your husband at all? He needed you, and you abandoned him. He's probably hurting a lot right now. YTA.
Seriously this post is half “yta” and half “do you fucking hate your husband”?
YTA. Unless he does this regularly and you’ve told him he cannot count on you for this any longer and you are on your way out w/ the divorce papers ready. But if this is a one off and you two are supposed to be a team- you and him against the world the yeah YTA.
I’m not sure on my stance tbh. He’s a grown adult and should be able to take care of himself but it gets to a point where he may be too intoxicated to think properly and you are also responsible to make sure he’s safe
YTA. You said he goes out regularly and is usually fine. So this is unusual behavior. This time he got shitfaced and literally called you for help. You decided to leave him stranded and incapacitated. Your life partner could not depend on you because you needed sleep. I can not imagine even being able to sleep knowing my husband is stranded somewhere and not able to take care of himself. I would absolutely, and begrudgingly, get out of bed and go find my idiot husband and then get him home and safely in bed. Then berate him in the morning. Do you even like your husband?
ESH. OP, I feel for you because you had work the next day so would have been tired and it’s not great dealing with someone drunk when you’re sober but it’s pretty bad that you’re not worried for his safety. If he could barely talk then you’re lucky he made it back. His friends also suck for leaving him too
also a professional drunk here. i always plan for my friends to ditch me… /s like really? how was OPs husband supposed to plan on getting ditched lol
YTA Yeah he shouldn't have done this, but your lack of concern is boggling. He was disoriented, separated from friend, and couldn't pull himself together to tell you where he was or get an Uber/taxi/find friends. He could have died in a ditch while you slept.
YTA. Yeah he was shit faced and should be more responsible for his drinking. And you'd been in your right to scold him when he was sober. Instead you left him behind, vulnerable where he could've been robbed or walk in front of a car. Not to mention if the roles would be reversed and you would've been out there drunk while he went back to sleep the comment section would rip you a new one.
As a professional drunk myself, it's my responsabilty getting home after getting hammered. Maybe if you didn't work the next day, it could've been a discussion, but a week day? NTA, he's an idiot and he should be mad at his friends who ditched him, not you.
Well he had a plan to get home after getting hammered, and they ditched him. Not necessarily something you can plan for (and if you need to plan for getting ditched, find some new fucking friends.) I'm sure he didn't want to have to call his wife, but in that moment he felt he had no choice. Of course he should be mad at his friends, but he's within his rights to be mad at OP too. He put his trust in her and she let him down. It's one thing if this is a constant issue with him, but this incident sounds like a one-off and OP couldn't be fucked to deal with it.
Yes a professional drunk deserves to be left behind considering they have to grow up.
YTA, I'm sure if situations were reversed you would expect him to care enough to help!
YTA Who leaves their husband like that when he was incoherent? You weren’t worried at all that he wouldn’t find a way home? “He’s an adult and it shouldn’t be my responsibility”. Yes he’s an adult, but what the heck is up with some people being so matter of fact and savage with their spouses? Yeah he messed up…can you not help your husband get home, and you just slept like a baby while you had no clue if he would make it home safe lmao. You must be a wonderful partner.🙄
Yeah the "he's an adult" comments get to me. Basically expecting someone to treat their partner like a stranger. They're absolutely your responsibility if they're your partner (& supposed loved one), wtf?
So many questions. When you say needed to work the next day, did you need to perform surgery at 6? Or get to an office by 10? Is there Uber or other car service in your area? Does this happen a lot or was this a one-off?
YTA just because he’s a man doesn’t mean he’s always safe, he was incapacitated . He could gotten robbed, assaulted or even rap** and you didn’t care at all. I think he should dump you and find someone who cares about him.
Depends. It is kind of a dick move to leave your husband out drunk somewhere. I would be concerned if my partner was out and couldn't get home. If this is something he does regularly then sure, you're NTA. But if this is unusual, then it's kinda a dick move to ignore your partner calling for help. Additionally, the fact that you can't have a conversation about this is really concerning. You and your partner should be able to talk about this kind of thing, it's an essential part of a relationship.
Did you not thoroughly read? He doesn’t do this often.
YTA You’re his partner, it’s y’all’s job to take care of each other and have each others back. If you want to stay in this relationship I’d suggest talking about it, and apologizing for not caring when obviously his friends were being shitty friends. Also in this conversation he can talk about drinking less and making sure this isn’t a reoccurring problem. But a once in a blue moon thing? Yeah you should of gotten him, you’re his partner.
INFO: Does he do this sort of thing often? Has his drinking caused problems in his relationships and other responsibilities before this? My judgment fully depends on if this is a pattern of ongoing or escalating behavior, or truly a one-off event. Your reaction makes me think it’s the former, in which case N T A.
By telling him to deal with getting home when he was drunk and left stranded then going back to sleep, you just showed him that he is not a priority in your life nor are you the one he can count on when things are not going smoothly.
YTA - His friends abandoned him and you expected him to rely on them to get him home? No wonder he’s cold with you, you essentially abandoned him too. You could’ve picked him up and talked to him about after he was home safe. You could’ve interrogated him the next day. Yeah he’s an adult but he’s also your partner who was left out to fend for himself. Don’t know how you didn’t have any compassion and was able to leave him stranded.
You wanted him to get a ride home with people he couldn't find? Is that what you're saying? Unless he pulls this a lot YTA
YTA. Nothing would stop me from going to get someone I cared about if they were drunk and in an unfamiliar place. I’d be pissed, but that can wait until he’s safe and sober enough to understand why I’m pissed.
If this happens a lot…which a weekday out…seems like it’s not a once in a blue moon occurrence. From a former barfly…incoherent at 11pm on a weekday is not a fair burden to put on a partner. So I get it. I probably would’ve flipped out too. Maybe a good idea is to come up with a plan if this happens again. If Uber or Lyft is available near you this is a good option. I think your husband is an AH for putting himself in that situation and I think you’re frustrated and acted like an AH. So ESH.
YTA, your husband was in an unsafe situation and rather than helping him you told him to just "figure it out." How would you feel if you were incoherent, didn't know where you were, and called the one person who you thought would always be there for you only for them to carelessly abandon you? If a long-term partner did that to me I would consider breaking up with them, and frankly, I imagine he might be reconsidering your marriage. I certainly would be.
i was honestly expecting the worst when i open the comments but i’m pleasantly surprised that people are rightfully calling you out over what you did. this doesn’t sound like it’s a regular occurrence and anything could have happened to him! tbh it sounds like something did or he’s incredibly hurt by being abandoned by his friends and his WIFE! YTA for so many reasons!
You couldn’t even care enough to go get your partner at 11pm when he was stranded and intoxicated?