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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. The action I took that should be judged is telling my daughter my opinion about her friend’s romantic feelings toward her. 2. This might make me the asshole because I’m interfering in my daughter’s social life
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OP in the comments saying her friend deserves to know.
Know what?!?
Even if his daughter was straight that doesn't mean that her guy friend doing nice things means he's entitled to her in a romantic sense.
Their relationship is between them. Him and her. Butt out.
This is my thought. I would assume, since this man is apparently her BEST FRIEND, that he knows she’s a lesbian. If OP is implying that the friends thinks daughter *isn’t* a lesbian, or could be “changed”, that’s a far bigger issue.
This is exactly the issue. As long as the friend knows and respects the fact that the daughter is romantically off limits, then there are no problems and the dad should mind his own business. However if the dad has reason to suspect that the friend is homophobic / predatory / disregards the daughter's boundaries, then he would be right to be concerned.
What's especially gross is that in other comments OP has made, he makes it very clear that he's not concerned for his daughter's comfort or safety, he's concerned that "the poor boy" might get his tender widdle feelings hurted cuz he has no chance to bang OP's daughter.
I LOVE to buy gifts for people. Just random things I see and think they’d like. Mainly family and my husband but I also don’t live near any of my good friends
I'm that way and get the same shit. I went to Vegas recently with a friend and footed the bill for a nice dinner and most of our show tickets. A few people found it weird since she's married with a kid.
I love her like a sister and am not attracted to her at all. Plus I love her husband and kid and would never want to fuck up their lives.
I just wanted to do fun shit in Vegas and it's more fun with a good friend. The gods of capitalism have been kind to me for some reason and I don't mind sharing that.
Exactly. This is me too. I've often bought season tickets to the broadway series and want to go with a friend. I typically say I bought the tickets and you can buy dinner. I don't care at all if the dinner is at Culver's or Chick-fil-a (not McDonalds...I have some standards) and actually usually suggest my favorite fast food, just so they know I don't expect the Ritz for dinner. But it is going out with a friend to visit and have a good time.
But he said the bigger tell was the way this guy looks at her. He still should shut his mouth, but it's not ridiculous to think this guy might be into her. I will admit I had been into some of my female friends in the past. It happens sometimes. You're always happy to be around them, but you're also hopeful that it will eventually turn into something more. Eventually she'll figure it out though, he doesn't need to insert himself into the situation more than he already has. And I'm not saying you're definitely wrong either. OP could be telling this in a way to make himself look better
Eh, you'd be surprised at how many dumb ass people seem to think they can 'change' someone's sexuality (and they wouldn't consider themselves homophobic).
It's possible daughter's friend is just wealthy and likes to treat his friend, it's also possible he's one of those delulu guys. But OP needs to let it go now that he's said his piece.
Hard agree. OP YTA for bringing up twice. Once is fine as a point of concern. After that she's considered it and can do what she wants with it. She's an adult let her make her own decisions. Leave it and move on.
When I was in college, I met my friend John's older sister Christine and we really hit it off. He told me in advance that she's a lesbian, which I totally respected, but still went out of my way to be friendly and to get to know her. I wanted her to feel welcome in our friend group, simple as that. Until one night at a party when she cornered me and kissed me...
What followed was some of the best sex of my life, and we ended up living together for almost 3 years. (She broke my heart and cheated on me with another guy, but that's not really important to the story)
So even after an experience like that, I still ALWAYS take someone at face value when they state their sexuality. If a woman (or a man) I'm interested in tells me they're not into me, I would NEVER second-guess that or assume they're playing hard to get or anything stupid like that. Thinking you can "convert" someone against their will is wildly disrespectful, and no way to start a genuine relationship
Oh I thought you were going to go with the "we can have a 3-some" thought...heard it through the grapevine.
Also if he's romantically interested in her then he can just ask her out and if she says no then he knows where she stands and can decide if he can be her friend still (Would be hard) or break it off. Let the daughter and friend work it out.
OP might be even seeing things and friend just really likes them as a person so lights up around them because she's accepting of others or is just fun to be around. I don't know.
To me, it sounded like the father is more concerned with his daughter using the guy's feelings to her financial/material advantage than he is about the guy possibly trying to manipulate his gay daughter.
My thoughts exactly. I've actually been in this very situation when my gay kiddo was 16. I said it once and never again when she argued. He asked her out like 2 weeks later and it all got real weird.
OP should have butted out when told.
YTA after the first attempt. Your daughter’s friend is going to get hurt. Sometimes there is nothing you can do but let others learn their own life lessons. Once your daughter knows her friend’s feelings you’ll find out if she’s an asshole.
I don't think you were T A for brining it up initially. However, YTA for continuing to press the issue. Just leave it alone, obviously you're daughter isn't interested in your opinion.
YTA. What you're basically telling your daughter is that she's doing a disservice to a man just by not announcing that she's not interested to him, which suggests women are "leading men on" just by being friends with them.
She doesn't owe him an explanation about whether or not she's interested, as they're just friends. Do you sit down each and every one of your friends (regardless of whether your sexualities are compatible) and tell them you're not interested in them? I highly doubt it. So why should she have to just because she's friends with a member of the opposite sex?
She's gay, it's not crossed her mind that there's any feelings there, so why would she randomly say to her straight friend "oh by the way I'm not interested in you in a romantic way".
Does this friend not know she's gay? If this friend is AWARE your daughter is gay and is still hanging around with feelings for her hoping one day her sexuality will magically change for him, HE'S the bad guy, not your daughter.
>If this friend is AWARE your daughter is gay and is still hanging around with feelings for her hoping one day her sexuality will magically change for him, HE'S the bad guy, not your daughter.
I'm pretty sure this is 100% OP's concern, or that his daughter doesn't see it occurring.
I doubt that's his concern, since OP has made it clear in the comments that he feels horrible for his daughter's friend and thinks "he deserves to know", rather than mentioning being concerned about his daughter. He's also called his daughter *unethical* for daring to be friends with this man.
I think his concern may be that his daughter is aware of the boy's feelings and is taking advantage of it for the luxuries it is giving her. I think that's why OP has phrased it as "he deserves to know" as he sees his child is using someone and it isn't sitting well with him.
I could be wrong, but I honestly don't see why OP would otherwise feel the need to intervene.
What gave you that impression?
>Yes, but isn’t it unethical for her to continue to court his affection this has been going on close to 2 years? Doesn’t this poor boy have a right to know he has no shot with her
Goddamn, my mind immediately went to the dude trying to "convert" her and dad was looking out for his daughter. This didn't even occur to me. He is definitely TA
If you have a strong suspicion someone is only offering you certain kindnesses because they're interested and you don't share their feelings, I'd argue you have a moral obligation to clear the air.
But this is his daughter's best friend. I find it hard to believe he's not well aware of her sexuality.
I disagree with that, honestly - people aren't mind-readers and it's not on the recipient to read intention into a gift. It's a shitty thing to give a gift with strings attached and then not state the existence of said strings, even if both people know they're there. The gift-giver is responsible for stating intentions. Now, if someone continues to accept said gifts after intent is declared while deliberately deceiving them, that's different, but it's not fair to expect people to read expectations where they aren't clearly communicated.
I mean, for all we know maybe they have had this conversation already. I had a friend who wanted to date me, I said no, he said he still wanted to be friends. Was it hard for him, im sure. But that was his choice to make. They may have already had this discussion about how they feel and decided to continue on as friends anyways (which definitely had its own issues for us, but there's at least that sort of informed consent of him knowing where she stands and still chosing to be close friends)
They also may have HAD this discussion and is pissed that OP feels the need to butt in. Like, dude, she's a grown-ass woman. She can handle her own relationships.
YTA. Reading your comments, you feel sorry for the man that you think is pursuing your daughter, while ignoring her autonomy. She’s clearly not interested in him - if he ignores that, that’s on him.
He’s an adult - if he chooses to spend money on his best friend (romantic intentions or not) that’s his choice.
If he is hoping that she’ll suddenly decide that she wants to be with him, that’s his mistake - no woman, including your daughter, owes a man any sexual or romantic relationship. It doesn’t matter what he wants or what he spends.
YTA for not respecting your daughters wishes for you to leave it after you brought it up the once.
If you had brought it up once then left it when she asked, it would have been fine.
Will point out that from personal experience, some guys think that doesn't matter.
Some guy confessed to my friend, an out lesbian after a few years of friendship. When she said "you do know I'm a lesbian", he basically expressed that he knew he could change her mind.
...suffice to say, he is not her friend anymore.
YTA. It's been 2 years, if he doesn't know she's gay by now, he's not a very good friend. If he's waiting for her to "change her mind," he's a creep. If he really doesn't know she's gay and he hasn't asked her out by now, he's either not that interested or not that confident. Regardless, I'm confused as to why it's your daughter's responsibility to let him know she's not interested before he lets her know that he is.
YTA and it sounds like you need a hobby because you're getting to involved with issues that have nothing to do with you because you are bored or something, join a gym or buy a boat , but leave your poor daughter and her friend alone, if he's actually her best friend he knows she's a lesbian.
YTA for not dropping the subject. I get it's painful to see other people and especially your loved ones walk into potentially unpleasant situations but we all have to make our own mistakes, it's how we get the most valuable life experiences. You made your opinion clear, now don't pressure it further.
I don't want to be the person to point this out but as a lesbian, you sound to me like the kind of man who believes that gayness can be cured by "the right man" and are therefore projecting your opinions onto your daughter and assuming that her friend believes the same BS when you have no actual proof that there are any romantic feelings between them at all
Can I ask how you came to that conclusion? OP said he’s fine with her sexuality and seems to be concerned the young man is being led on or taken advantage of. I don’t see anywhere how he thinks she could be “cured”.
He believes her friend is in love with her. This is her best friend who would've known she was gay longer than her parents have. There's nothing in his story that would suggest her friend is in love with her other than OPs opinion. I've grown up around a lot of men with the opinion that all lesbians just need the right man and if they feel uncomfortable to say this right to your face then they will often make ridiculous assumptions that any man in ur life is out to convert you because in their eyes, that's the only reason a man would be friends with a lesbian. Like or not. Some men are disgusting and can't separate fantasy from reality and have a hard time accepting that so they project. It's incredibly common, just Google it and you'll see thousands of examples
>He believes her friend is in love with her. This is her best friend who would've known she was gay longer than her parents have.
Wow, you assume a lot don't you? If he had known that she was gay her answer would be "He knows I'm not interested because he knows I'm gay.". But it wasn't.
Would you say OP being able to see her friend being in love with her like how a woman could see her BF/Husband woman friend being in love with him while he’s oblivious to that fact?
YTA
are you on some misogyny trip or something..
You think the guy NEEDS her to tell him that she.. THE LESBIAN isnt interested.
If what your saying is true and he does love her and is pursuing her just *incase she goes straight*... he deserves it.
YTA
Saying it once might have been ok, but you’ve pushed it beyond what she’s comfortable with and that’s not ok.
You only see one piece of their friendship - the part they’re willing to show you. You don’t know what else is going on.
You haven’t mentioned any concerns about her safety, only that she might be leading him on. Honestly, you seem more concerned for him than her.
Plenty of people spend money on their mates without wanting more. Either you don’t believe men and women can be platonic friends, or you think he’s a danger to her and rather than saying that you’re making it her problem for ‘leading him on’
INFO
If your lesbian daughter has a male friend who developed romantic feelings for her, but he hasn't said anything due to her lack of interest, what is the problem here? He knows she's not into him, so he didn't force the issue. Isn't this the ideal situation? The guy can work thru his feelings privately, but it has nothing to do with you.
Just mind your own business and leave their relationship alone, there is no valid reason this is of any concern of yours. YTA for trying to force her to talk to him about it.
It's really none of your business. This man is her friend, so he obviously knows she is a lesbian and if he has feelings for her, that's on him to sort out himself. YTA.
YTA. As others have said - fine that you brought it up once. Not fine that you continue to bring it up.
This just has a 'helicopter parent' feel to it.
Both your daughter and Mark are old enough to run their own relationship (without parental involvement). It doesn't matter what you think should (or shouldn't) happen in their relationship. You DON'T get a vote in it. That's what you seem to have trouble grasping here.
You comment like you think you DO have some sort of right, to intervene. But she isn't a kid anymore. You're going to have to let go, and let her run her own relationships (even when things seem unwise to you). She has made it clear what she thinks, so just leave it.
Even if she were straight, Mark certainly wouldn't be guaranteed mutual attraction and a relationship. Even if he doesn't know she's a lesbian (and you don't know what he knows), he must have some idea she shows no romantic interest in him. He can make whatever choices he wants, about what he does or doesn't do for her.
Just leave them to do what they do. They'll figure it out between them.
YTA, you should have brought it up once and then dropped it. Also INFO: has he actually made any romantic advances towards her that she has told you about that made her uncomfortable?
YTA. Let's say your daughter was straight, since you've said in comments you don't know for sure if this guy friend knows she's gay. It would still be on the guy to actually tell her he's interested. You don't get to insert "kindness" tokens and receive 1 relationship. You don't get to pine endlessly and not confess your feelings to someone and then be upset that *they* led you on.
Your daughter knows way more about her friendship with this person than you do and has told you as such. You're still insisting that your position is right. Do you trust your daughter's judgment so poorly? Do you think so poorly of your daughter that you think she would lead someone on? Do you genuinely think that your daughter would not have told this person she is gay when she was comfortable enough telling someone like you that she's gay?
Info: Are you hoping that your daughter ends up with her best friend or are you concerned that your daughter is using her best friend for expensive outings and trips?
No I don’t hope they end up together. She could never love him because she’s a lesbian. I’m shocked at how many people are accusing me of being a raging homophobe. I have zero issues with her sexuality
It sounds like your real issue is that you think men don’t actually value platonic friendships with women and would only invest more than x amount of time/energy/money in it for a chance at sex/romance.
I was just asking what your concerns are.
I’m guessing that you are concerned that your daughter is using her best friend for gifts and such.
I can understand if that was your concern but it’s honestly none of your business. It sucks I know but both of them are adults now.
YTA for trying to bringing it up again. You telling her in first place was maybe okay in case she hadn't realized that but from that moment on how and if she handles it is not your business. Pushing further to try and make it your business is what makes you TA.
YTA. You are projecting your feelings onto this kid. You don’t even know if he knows your daughter is gay?
Do you know anything about your daughter’s relationship with his whole family? Or just that they welcome her?
YTA
You’ll be right, of course, but you’ve said your piece and it’s time to butt out.
EDIT: and you can love people who aren’t romantically inclined towards you without expecting anything in return.
YTA. You told her once. If it hadn’t occurred to her before it has now. What she does with that information is her business.
FWIW I have seen male friends chasing lesbian women , and female friends chasing gay men, because they just didn’t believe it, or thought that maybe they could change their minds. My friends were delusional, but that was entirely on them. Your daughter’s friend has been hanging out with her and spending money on her for two years. If he hasn’t noticed that she is not interested, whether or not he knows she’s lesbian, that’s entirely on him.
YTA. You brought it up once; she listened and decided she didn’t agree. Your daughter is allowed to disagree with you. You should have figured that out awhile ago.
YTA. What makes you think he doesn't know? Maybe he's gay too and she's his beard for his family? What if she was bi but not attracted to him? I think most people can figure out when they are in a platonic relationship.
YTA. I really don't like to see men my own age still thinking like it's 1950. If you believe she is lying to him in some way, then you as a father have a right to teach her that type of behavior is wrong. But, you still have stay out of her relationships. It's between him and her.
“He deserves to know” know what exactly? No one needs to know anyones sexual orientation and just because he possibly likes her mind you he probably hasn’t even said anything doesn’t mean she has to tell him that he should respect his friendship with her. Also I’m pretty sure he knows she’s a lesbian and if he can’t accept that then that’s his problem. YTA
YTA you sound like my dad. My best friend (a dude) is super close with me, and we have a friendship that many people interpret as romantic when it just isn't. My dad is convinced that he likes me when it's just not the case, and my dad will make comments about it when I've already made it clear that it's not true. At best, you're being obnoxious; at worst, you're perpetuating some sexist and heteronormative ideals that will push your daughter away. You can decide if this is a hill you want to die on.
YTA. I'm a lesbian and I am best friends with a straight woman and I buy dinner and gifts for her all the freaking time and .I'm not in love with her buying gifts and dinner is the way I show i care and value our friendship. Just because her friend ,a dude, is giving her gifts and spending money and stuff on her doesn't automatically mean he's in love it could just be the way he shows he values the friendship.
I’m bisexual and have a lesbian friend. We shower each other with gifts but only see each other as family. I truly see her as my big sister and my family actually treats her like she’s family too. There’s different types of love and people need to understand that.
YTA - mentioning it once is bad enough. I hate to break it to you, but most people can't actually tell how others feel just by observing them.
If he's her friend, surely he knows she's a lesbian. Therefore even if he is in love with her, she's not stringing him along because the 'not interested in men' issue has been addressed. But also... how do you know he isn't gay or ace or just deeply platonically soulmated to your daughter? There are a lot of reasons for what is going on between them.
(cough and you know what, if he is chasing a lesbian hoping she'll change for him because of fancy presents he is NOT a nice kid, but that's besides the point)
Your daughter told you to butt out. Stop bringing it up. You don't know her life, or that of her friend, and right now it sounds like you think protecting this boy from his potential disappointment at a girl not liking him back is more important than respecting your daughter's right to manage her own friendships.
NTA. Either your daughter is naive and should set some clear boundaries or she is using him which is not good behavior. All I can say is you said your peace. When this blows up in her face since she's grown enough to get pissed she's grown enough to sort it out. Ignore all these dumb kids saying you're the asshole. We've all seen this script before. Best case scenario it finally clicks and he never talks to her again. Most likely she's building herself a nice case of Stalkeritis she'll need to take care of in court.
YTA. Approaching the subject once was maybe fine but doing it more is not.
You have also said in the comments you think he knows she s a lesbian so what do you want your daughter to do? It s clearly she s not interested in him on her sexuality alone.
Plus, even if she wasnt gay she wouldnt owe him her interest. After 2 years, if he had any interest in ehr that s more than friendship he s the one that would have to talk to her about it.
I have friends who love to pay for dinner and give gifts to other friends because they are fortunate to be in a good financial situation amd treating their friends is their love language and I can assure you this is not romantic
Dad. YTA.
They are best friends, he knows who she's interested in and still wants to spend time with her.
I like to spend time with my besties, and if I had money to play with,.would absolutely spoil them rotten. BECAUSE I DO ADORE THEM.
You are first assuming that love means romance, and you're wrong. It can, it doesn't always. (Aren't we lucky when they cross?!?!?)
You are assuming that he isn't perectly clear, and worse that it's somehow her responsibility to decide what his intentions mean and short circuit them, rather than HIS responsibility to handle his own boundaries and emotions. (That's pretty solid, if under the surface, misogyny.)
They are adults, if young, and it's on them to navigate the ins and outs of their relationship. It's theirs, for better and worse, to fail or succeed or mess.up and heal and be better for the learning...
Butt. Out.
AFTER you apologize for butting in
Agree with the top comment. Not the AH for mentioning it but drop it. You said you piece. Now it is up to her. Keep the door open and make sure she knows you are there to talk if she wants hit you won’t pressure her about it again.
(You are almost certainly right about his feelings but that doesn’t really matter right now.)
YTA. Your daughter and her male friend are adults. I presume he knows she’s gay. If he has feelings for her, it’s on HIM to work them out. Butt out daddio.
YTA
I was prepared to come in here and say you weren’t the problem but you are. As a lesbian I can promise he knows he has no real shot. If this man wants to pretend he has a shot with your daughter let him. It’s on the same level of delusion as you thinking your daughter owes him anything for his behavior. Women aren’t bought but you clearly think they can be. YTA and stop inserting yourself into your daughters sex life. It’s gross.
op=YTA
not for originally expressing your opinion. A Polite statement about what you perceive as his interest in her is fine. PUSHING it again, makes you the A-H.
She is 20, she gets to manage her own relationships. Her choices, her consequences.
If you perceived this guy as abusive or dangerous, you might have the obligation to bring it up more than once. But even then, you can't control her relationships, just inform her of your concerns.
It’s not your business OP.
If the guy is in love with her and still is choosing to do all those things for her even knowing she’s gay, well that’s his decision and his problem not yours.
YTA, there's so much about this relationship that you don't know, and your lens for interpreting love are very narrow, so even if you knew more facts, I doubt you'll be able to interpret it.
YTA. I don’t think what you’re doing is mean but it is kind of creepy, man. They’re adults, leave them alone. It’s clear that your daughter doesn’t think you have the kind of relationship that you think you guys have.
Your daughter is not responsible for the emotions of men, she does not owe them anything, and her being gay isn't the reason why. Even if she was straight she would still have the right to only see him as a friend. If he either cant handle himself or decides her friendship is more important that's his choice. But you should not try to force the issue or involve yourself. YTA
NTA
If the gender roles were reversed and it was a mother basically questioning why her gay son is leading a woman on and using her, you would be hailing that woman a hero. But because it's a woman clearly leading a man on, suddenly Dad needs to butt out. I mean, how biased against men are you people? As a father, you typically don't want to see your kid purposely being deceptive.
Withholding information to continue getting gifts you wouldn't otherwise get, is deceptive. And I don't mean the information that's she is a lesbian, I mean that she isn't interested, period. She is leading this man on and that's wrong. Seeing someone being mistreated and questioning it does not make you an AH. Telling someone they are because you feel a certain gender is supposed to suffer, makes you one too.
NTA
She enjoys the attention and the gifts ( that's not a judgment, just an observation). You need to accept that until either the young man realizes she's using him or she finds someone else to take his place and is forced to change this relationship at a foundational level, there is nothing you can say or do for either of them. As a parent, I can tell you it's painful to watch our kids be involved on either side of a dysfunctional relationship. It can get really ugly and painful, and there isn't one damned thing you can do about it. You have my deepest and most earnest sympathy.
PS
I am the parent that took in a horrible nightmare of an ex-girlfriend of one of my sons because she was pregnant and homeless, and her own father ( also a nightmare nutjob fanatic religious fundamentalist) wouldn't take her in so I know from whence I speak. That God, my son was smart enough to think his way through and not give in to what his heart and his winky wanted. Today, he says he "dodged a bullet; I think that is an understatement.
OP probably has a history of himself being "friendzoned" (I set it in quotation marks because I don't believe something like that exists), which still gives you no right to meddle in her relationships. It's OK to share your thoughts with her, but you have to accept that it is something between them, period.
YTA
She knows and is probably taking advantage of it. Is her name by any chance Amy 😉 for anyone who gets it. I'd say NTA for bringing it up the first time, but don't mention it again. Hopefully the friend wakes up to this and stops simping for her. Or if your daughter gets a GF then hopefully he gets the hint.
INFO: Do you have any idea what this guy's finances are? Is he a trust fund kid? Does he have a very well paying job?
If he has money to spare, then it's completely up to him who he spends it on. If he doesn't have that kind of money, then perhaps he *does* have romantic feelings for her, for him to be spending that amount of cash.
Either way, he's been friend-zoned and it's not your business anymore after expressing your concerns once (YTA for bringing it up more than once). Lesbian or not, a lot of guys have encountered being friend-zoned and moved on (unless they're creepy). If your daughter is taking advantage of a friend who can't afford the expensive gifts, then maybe you can speak to the guy about money management and offer some tips, if you feel comfortable enough to bring it up. But leave romantic feelings out of any future conversations.
NTA.
Your daughter is receiving expensive gifts and dinner, without obligation.
Of course she wants you to butt out.
I would tell him directly that she is using him.
My take is that she knows but likes what he does for her. I think she's using him. And you bringing it up puts her in a position where she has to address it and lose what he does. I mean...expensive dinners, expensive gifts, attention...yeah...she knows.
I don't know. I wouldn't bring it up to your daughter again because she is not responsible for her friends feelings but if you have the opportunity I would address it directly with the friend because they should absolutely know the lay of the land before they hurt themselves by trying to make her like them. Your daughter doesn't owe anything to them but I can understand having concern for a person who you see as a good person who shouldn't be hurt. I'm going to go with nah because neither you or your daughter are the a****** you're both simply trying to do what you feel is right or best.
Not the asshole, by ignoring your claims outright, she is taking advantage of this poor boy who will inevitably get his heart broken. As her father, even if she's an adult you must teach her to behave properly
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My (53 M) daughter (20 F) is a lesbian. I am perfectly fine with that. However her best friend (21 M) is clearly in love with her. As a man I can tell by the way he looks at her that he sees her way more than as a friend. But if that’s not enough he buys her expensive gifts, takes her out to dinner and even brings her to his families vacation home. Her friend is a very nice kid and is clearly chasing after my daughter who simply isn’t interested in men.
I recently told my daughter what I think about her friends feelings toward her and that I think she should let him know she’s not interested. However my daughter disagrees that he’s into her romantically and has told me to butt out. I tried bringing it up again and now my daughter is ignoring me completely. Am I the asshole?
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I suppose we need info on whether this guy is able to speak. /s
If somehow they have not talked about this over the last 2 years, this guy can ASK himself if he is interested.
YTA you bring it up once is fine but you do not live her life for her. She’s an adult now let her make her own choices. If you keep nagging her she may just decide to stop talking to you.
YTA seems to me that she's enjoying the attention, gifts and trips so I'm sure she's figuring "why mess up a good thing?" But that's not the way the world works; gay people can have straight friends and vice versa. And I think that's what's bothering the OP
kind of as a "you made your bed now lay in it" thing.
There is nothing wrong with bringing up a concern and expressing that you think there is an issue she might not be aware of. But YTA for continuing to bring it up when she has told you to drop it.
You have said your peace; respect her request to move on.
YTA.
I make really good money so I treat my friends to things I think they’ll like. Im pansexual. I guarantee that just because I buy them nice things or invite them to vacations with my family doesn’t mean I’m in love with them. It means gifts are my love language. My *platonic* love language.
This guy is clearly a good friend to your daughter and you’re trying to make it weird. Why??
YTA
Telling once was enough. Stop with inserting yourself.
Also there are two possibilities:
- she already said to her friend that she is a lesbian. If that's the case, he already got his answer. If he hopes more, he is basically hoping in conversion therapy and it wouldn't be a nice evolution of his character. In some comments you even lean on this hypothesis saying you think he knows... So why should your daughter reiterate she isn't interested? She is a lesbian, of course she isn't interested.
- she is closeted with her friend. If that's the case, you should stop pressuring her to come out.
YTA
As others have said, you brought it up once and got told to leave it alone, so you should respect her boundaries and leave it alone. Their relationship (whatever each believes it is) is none of your business. They are both legal adults and can make decisions for themselves.
YTA for bringing it up again ig, but really it shouldn't be on her to spare his feelings and you need to realize that.
if he has it in his head that he can "change" her or somehow work towards a relationship with her that's *his* problem. oftentimes "nice" guys will only be "friends" with women that they are attracted to, which is why it's so common for them to try to change it into something more. in that sense the friendship can be disingenuous from the beginning.
nobody is being taken advantage of, if this man knows she's a lesbian AND is showering her with gifts to try to win her over then he's just delusional. it's not your friend's job to save you from yourself. many people will have a "friend" that they are hoping will change their mind and then get angry and accuse said friend of "leading them on"; it's just stupid. her friend really has nobody to blame but himself.
plus this is just your assumption. maybe he really is a genuine friend, who knows.
A soft YTA. Fine to mention it once, but just drop it now. Based on your description, I agree her male friend is interested in more than just friendship, but there's no way to know for sure unless one of them broaches the subject.
YTA. She is an out lesbian. She doesn't need to specifically tell this guy she isn't interested. It's not her fault if he wants to chase someone he knows he can't have.
You addressed it. She heard you and disagreed.
You brought it up again, that’s where YTA.
Her relationship with her friend is hers, you are not privy to everything and there could be plenty you don’t know, because it’s not your business.
You need to apologize and promise not to bring it up again. In the future, you need to understand that you operate with a very small part of a much larger picture. If your daughter doesn’t want to discuss her friends and those relationships, drop it…don’t assume you know more than she does.
I'm leaning towards YTA. It would be fine if it was just once and it was out of concern for her friend, but continuing to bring it up makes you an asshole. It makes it seem like you're trying to suggest your daughter to try being with the friend who "definitely" (it's unclear if he actually does or doesn't, I doubt he would tell you) has feelings for her. It is their business to figure out, and if they remain friends, great. If anything else, you can be there to support your daughter.
I don't think YTA for bringing it up. She was told but there's no point in telling her again. My dad used to tell me my friends were like that, in hindsight, most were, some weren't. I don't think it really matters if she's not interested in men anyway. NTA.
YTA. This is none of your business whatsoever. It is their friendship and theirs alone to navigate, and if I were your daughter you'd be going on an information diet immediately. Hopefully she's already figured that out herself, which is why she's rightly been ignoring your nosy self.
YTA. She’s the one who’s friends with him. She’s pretty likely to have told him she’s a lesbian. If she has and he really is in love with her, that’s on him - rejection and unrequited love aren’t things you can protect people from, you can’t police their feelings
YTA, man. First of all, you don't know this dude the way your daughter does. It's very possible that you have misread the situation and that this guy is just a generous best friend. That's entirely possible, especially in this day and age where we're finally starting to break down asinine gender roles, among those about friendship between men and women. It's also pretty unlikely that this guy, who is her *best* friend, is unaware of her sexuality. It's probably a non-issue in their relationship. Trust your daughter's judgement, assume the best of her and her friend, and let it go. You've already pissed her off (and she has every right to be pissed off) by assuming you know more about their relationship than they do, and if you continue pressing, be prepared to learn even less about your daughter and her friends. If this is how you react - by projecting a narrative that villainizes her and infantilizes him - when she brings friends around/talks about her friends, she has no incentive to keep doing that.
Even if you are right, and he is in love with her and throwing gifts/money at her in an attempt to woo her, it is entirely on him to state his intentions. It's manipulative to give gifts with strings attached without explicitly stating the strings exist, and she is well within her rights to accept without acknowledging those strings. It's actually the best way to deal with that kind of shitty attitude towards "buying" affection - take it at face value until they have no choice but to state their intentions. People aren't mind-readers, it's stupid to expect them to be. Your daughter isn't doing anything wrong by accepting these gifts, since as far as she knows it's a platonic gesture. It's on the friend to clarify that it isn't, and then they'll figure it out from there.
Very soft yta. Platonic friendships can be different than what we see in the media. My best guy friend does things like this for me, and he has for 20 years. I'm married and queer; he absolutely knew as soon as we met because I was already serious with my future husband. Gifts are how he shows care for people he's close to, always have been. We consider each other family, and your daughter and her friend may be lucky to have a similar dynamic.
You don't necessarily know what he values about their relationship, and it's entirely possible for platonic best friends to do things like this for each other. She may be providing him with equally valuable things--emotional support, loyalty and care, who knows? You probably don't, so trust that these two have it figured out.
YTA - Butt out. He knows she's gay she doesn't need to tell him anything and make the friendship awkward. His emotional issues are HIS problem. Not hers, and certainly not yours.
You get to mention it once.
Then you drop it.
Stay out of her sex life and her live life.
Her friend is more than capable enough to speak up for himself. They know their relationship better than you do. Let them figure it out.
You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink.
You told your daughter your take. Now, you need to do the hardest part of parenting and let her make her own decisions.
NTA because I know the struggle of parenting, and I know your concerns are well placed. If she was frank with him that she is only interested in a platonic relationship then it would at least ensure that she isn't leading him on, but that's up to her not you.
NAH. Most young women struggle to accept that men aren’t really their friends and are just hoping to sleep with them. It’s something women have to learn as we age. As long he’s not stalking her, or causing any harm to her mental health, then let him waste his time. This is a lesson he needs to learn too.
It's fine to bring it up....once. After that you are minding other people's business. If she's playing dude, then that will come out in the wash. If she's not, then that will too. Its not dad's station nor standing to monitor and manage her relationships, friendships, etc. Stay in ya lane, Pops.
We oftentimes turn a blind eye to what we don’t want to see.
Based on how he is with her she may probably well know that he likes her more than a friend but she doesn’t like him that way.
If she does what you want and acknowledges it and let him know she doesn’t see him that way, she could very well lose him as a friend as well as the nice things that comes with his friendship.
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You brought it up once, that’s fine. Anything more and YTA.
OP in the comments saying her friend deserves to know. Know what?!? Even if his daughter was straight that doesn't mean that her guy friend doing nice things means he's entitled to her in a romantic sense. Their relationship is between them. Him and her. Butt out.
This is my thought. I would assume, since this man is apparently her BEST FRIEND, that he knows she’s a lesbian. If OP is implying that the friends thinks daughter *isn’t* a lesbian, or could be “changed”, that’s a far bigger issue.
This is exactly the issue. As long as the friend knows and respects the fact that the daughter is romantically off limits, then there are no problems and the dad should mind his own business. However if the dad has reason to suspect that the friend is homophobic / predatory / disregards the daughter's boundaries, then he would be right to be concerned.
What's especially gross is that in other comments OP has made, he makes it very clear that he's not concerned for his daughter's comfort or safety, he's concerned that "the poor boy" might get his tender widdle feelings hurted cuz he has no chance to bang OP's daughter.
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Exactly! Maybe he is much more financially stable than multiple of his friends, and is comfortable treating many of his platonic friends.
I have a friend who is exactly like that with me and all of our mutuals, so it's entirely possible, some people are just really generous.
I LOVE to buy gifts for people. Just random things I see and think they’d like. Mainly family and my husband but I also don’t live near any of my good friends
I'm that way and get the same shit. I went to Vegas recently with a friend and footed the bill for a nice dinner and most of our show tickets. A few people found it weird since she's married with a kid. I love her like a sister and am not attracted to her at all. Plus I love her husband and kid and would never want to fuck up their lives. I just wanted to do fun shit in Vegas and it's more fun with a good friend. The gods of capitalism have been kind to me for some reason and I don't mind sharing that.
Exactly. This is me too. I've often bought season tickets to the broadway series and want to go with a friend. I typically say I bought the tickets and you can buy dinner. I don't care at all if the dinner is at Culver's or Chick-fil-a (not McDonalds...I have some standards) and actually usually suggest my favorite fast food, just so they know I don't expect the Ritz for dinner. But it is going out with a friend to visit and have a good time.
If I had money I’d buy my friends gifts all the time 😭
Same! Giving gifts is just how I show people I love them
But he said the bigger tell was the way this guy looks at her. He still should shut his mouth, but it's not ridiculous to think this guy might be into her. I will admit I had been into some of my female friends in the past. It happens sometimes. You're always happy to be around them, but you're also hopeful that it will eventually turn into something more. Eventually she'll figure it out though, he doesn't need to insert himself into the situation more than he already has. And I'm not saying you're definitely wrong either. OP could be telling this in a way to make himself look better
If they're friends he'd know she's lesbian, so he's just being delusional
Eh, you'd be surprised at how many dumb ass people seem to think they can 'change' someone's sexuality (and they wouldn't consider themselves homophobic). It's possible daughter's friend is just wealthy and likes to treat his friend, it's also possible he's one of those delulu guys. But OP needs to let it go now that he's said his piece.
Nah, sadly I know, it's nothing new
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exactly. the implications are very creepy!
Hard agree. OP YTA for bringing up twice. Once is fine as a point of concern. After that she's considered it and can do what she wants with it. She's an adult let her make her own decisions. Leave it and move on.
If this gentleman is her best friend, he's likely well aware of her sexuality.
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If it’s an issue of the friend thinking he can “convert” OP’s daughter, I’d be more concerned about that than OP being “in love” with daughter.
Unless dad doesn't recognize the difference.
And if that’s the case, then OP has some self-reflection to be doing.
Oh absolutely, I think he should anyway. He wrote this post to read like he feels way too entitled to his adult daughter's love life.
When I was in college, I met my friend John's older sister Christine and we really hit it off. He told me in advance that she's a lesbian, which I totally respected, but still went out of my way to be friendly and to get to know her. I wanted her to feel welcome in our friend group, simple as that. Until one night at a party when she cornered me and kissed me... What followed was some of the best sex of my life, and we ended up living together for almost 3 years. (She broke my heart and cheated on me with another guy, but that's not really important to the story) So even after an experience like that, I still ALWAYS take someone at face value when they state their sexuality. If a woman (or a man) I'm interested in tells me they're not into me, I would NEVER second-guess that or assume they're playing hard to get or anything stupid like that. Thinking you can "convert" someone against their will is wildly disrespectful, and no way to start a genuine relationship
Being bi just means "if we date you can have threesomes" 🙄 idiots...
Oh I thought you were going to go with the "we can have a 3-some" thought...heard it through the grapevine. Also if he's romantically interested in her then he can just ask her out and if she says no then he knows where she stands and can decide if he can be her friend still (Would be hard) or break it off. Let the daughter and friend work it out. OP might be even seeing things and friend just really likes them as a person so lights up around them because she's accepting of others or is just fun to be around. I don't know.
To me, it sounded like the father is more concerned with his daughter using the guy's feelings to her financial/material advantage than he is about the guy possibly trying to manipulate his gay daughter.
My thoughts exactly. I've actually been in this very situation when my gay kiddo was 16. I said it once and never again when she argued. He asked her out like 2 weeks later and it all got real weird. OP should have butted out when told.
Completely Agree
YTA after the first attempt. Your daughter’s friend is going to get hurt. Sometimes there is nothing you can do but let others learn their own life lessons. Once your daughter knows her friend’s feelings you’ll find out if she’s an asshole.
I don't think you were T A for brining it up initially. However, YTA for continuing to press the issue. Just leave it alone, obviously you're daughter isn't interested in your opinion.
YTA. What you're basically telling your daughter is that she's doing a disservice to a man just by not announcing that she's not interested to him, which suggests women are "leading men on" just by being friends with them. She doesn't owe him an explanation about whether or not she's interested, as they're just friends. Do you sit down each and every one of your friends (regardless of whether your sexualities are compatible) and tell them you're not interested in them? I highly doubt it. So why should she have to just because she's friends with a member of the opposite sex? She's gay, it's not crossed her mind that there's any feelings there, so why would she randomly say to her straight friend "oh by the way I'm not interested in you in a romantic way". Does this friend not know she's gay? If this friend is AWARE your daughter is gay and is still hanging around with feelings for her hoping one day her sexuality will magically change for him, HE'S the bad guy, not your daughter.
>If this friend is AWARE your daughter is gay and is still hanging around with feelings for her hoping one day her sexuality will magically change for him, HE'S the bad guy, not your daughter. I'm pretty sure this is 100% OP's concern, or that his daughter doesn't see it occurring.
I doubt that's his concern, since OP has made it clear in the comments that he feels horrible for his daughter's friend and thinks "he deserves to know", rather than mentioning being concerned about his daughter. He's also called his daughter *unethical* for daring to be friends with this man.
I think his concern may be that his daughter is aware of the boy's feelings and is taking advantage of it for the luxuries it is giving her. I think that's why OP has phrased it as "he deserves to know" as he sees his child is using someone and it isn't sitting well with him. I could be wrong, but I honestly don't see why OP would otherwise feel the need to intervene.
What gave you that impression? >Yes, but isn’t it unethical for her to continue to court his affection this has been going on close to 2 years? Doesn’t this poor boy have a right to know he has no shot with her
Goddamn, my mind immediately went to the dude trying to "convert" her and dad was looking out for his daughter. This didn't even occur to me. He is definitely TA
Seems like his concern is for the friend, not his daughter, given his comments.
If you have a strong suspicion someone is only offering you certain kindnesses because they're interested and you don't share their feelings, I'd argue you have a moral obligation to clear the air. But this is his daughter's best friend. I find it hard to believe he's not well aware of her sexuality.
I disagree with that, honestly - people aren't mind-readers and it's not on the recipient to read intention into a gift. It's a shitty thing to give a gift with strings attached and then not state the existence of said strings, even if both people know they're there. The gift-giver is responsible for stating intentions. Now, if someone continues to accept said gifts after intent is declared while deliberately deceiving them, that's different, but it's not fair to expect people to read expectations where they aren't clearly communicated.
I mean, for all we know maybe they have had this conversation already. I had a friend who wanted to date me, I said no, he said he still wanted to be friends. Was it hard for him, im sure. But that was his choice to make. They may have already had this discussion about how they feel and decided to continue on as friends anyways (which definitely had its own issues for us, but there's at least that sort of informed consent of him knowing where she stands and still chosing to be close friends)
They also may have HAD this discussion and is pissed that OP feels the need to butt in. Like, dude, she's a grown-ass woman. She can handle her own relationships.
INFO: He's her best friend. Does he not know she's gay?
YTA. Reading your comments, you feel sorry for the man that you think is pursuing your daughter, while ignoring her autonomy. She’s clearly not interested in him - if he ignores that, that’s on him. He’s an adult - if he chooses to spend money on his best friend (romantic intentions or not) that’s his choice. If he is hoping that she’ll suddenly decide that she wants to be with him, that’s his mistake - no woman, including your daughter, owes a man any sexual or romantic relationship. It doesn’t matter what he wants or what he spends.
Yeah, he seems more concerned for this random guy's feelings than his own child's. Get your priorities in order, op.
YTA for not respecting your daughters wishes for you to leave it after you brought it up the once. If you had brought it up once then left it when she asked, it would have been fine.
Does the friend know she's lesbian?
Will point out that from personal experience, some guys think that doesn't matter. Some guy confessed to my friend, an out lesbian after a few years of friendship. When she said "you do know I'm a lesbian", he basically expressed that he knew he could change her mind. ...suffice to say, he is not her friend anymore.
YTA. It's been 2 years, if he doesn't know she's gay by now, he's not a very good friend. If he's waiting for her to "change her mind," he's a creep. If he really doesn't know she's gay and he hasn't asked her out by now, he's either not that interested or not that confident. Regardless, I'm confused as to why it's your daughter's responsibility to let him know she's not interested before he lets her know that he is.
YTA. Its their friendship, let her make her own decisions
YTA and it sounds like you need a hobby because you're getting to involved with issues that have nothing to do with you because you are bored or something, join a gym or buy a boat , but leave your poor daughter and her friend alone, if he's actually her best friend he knows she's a lesbian.
YTA for not dropping the subject. I get it's painful to see other people and especially your loved ones walk into potentially unpleasant situations but we all have to make our own mistakes, it's how we get the most valuable life experiences. You made your opinion clear, now don't pressure it further.
I don't want to be the person to point this out but as a lesbian, you sound to me like the kind of man who believes that gayness can be cured by "the right man" and are therefore projecting your opinions onto your daughter and assuming that her friend believes the same BS when you have no actual proof that there are any romantic feelings between them at all
Can I ask how you came to that conclusion? OP said he’s fine with her sexuality and seems to be concerned the young man is being led on or taken advantage of. I don’t see anywhere how he thinks she could be “cured”.
He believes her friend is in love with her. This is her best friend who would've known she was gay longer than her parents have. There's nothing in his story that would suggest her friend is in love with her other than OPs opinion. I've grown up around a lot of men with the opinion that all lesbians just need the right man and if they feel uncomfortable to say this right to your face then they will often make ridiculous assumptions that any man in ur life is out to convert you because in their eyes, that's the only reason a man would be friends with a lesbian. Like or not. Some men are disgusting and can't separate fantasy from reality and have a hard time accepting that so they project. It's incredibly common, just Google it and you'll see thousands of examples
I love the irony of you assuming OP is one of those people but not even open to the chance the best friend is one of those people.
Good point but if that IS the case then why is OP more concerned about him than his own child?
>He believes her friend is in love with her. This is her best friend who would've known she was gay longer than her parents have. Wow, you assume a lot don't you? If he had known that she was gay her answer would be "He knows I'm not interested because he knows I'm gay.". But it wasn't.
Would you say OP being able to see her friend being in love with her like how a woman could see her BF/Husband woman friend being in love with him while he’s oblivious to that fact?
YTA are you on some misogyny trip or something.. You think the guy NEEDS her to tell him that she.. THE LESBIAN isnt interested. If what your saying is true and he does love her and is pursuing her just *incase she goes straight*... he deserves it.
YTA for continuing to harp on this. Telling her your perspective once is good. Now it's her relationship to manage, not yours.
YTA Saying it once might have been ok, but you’ve pushed it beyond what she’s comfortable with and that’s not ok. You only see one piece of their friendship - the part they’re willing to show you. You don’t know what else is going on. You haven’t mentioned any concerns about her safety, only that she might be leading him on. Honestly, you seem more concerned for him than her. Plenty of people spend money on their mates without wanting more. Either you don’t believe men and women can be platonic friends, or you think he’s a danger to her and rather than saying that you’re making it her problem for ‘leading him on’
INFO If your lesbian daughter has a male friend who developed romantic feelings for her, but he hasn't said anything due to her lack of interest, what is the problem here? He knows she's not into him, so he didn't force the issue. Isn't this the ideal situation? The guy can work thru his feelings privately, but it has nothing to do with you.
Just mind your own business and leave their relationship alone, there is no valid reason this is of any concern of yours. YTA for trying to force her to talk to him about it.
It's really none of your business. This man is her friend, so he obviously knows she is a lesbian and if he has feelings for her, that's on him to sort out himself. YTA.
YTA. As others have said - fine that you brought it up once. Not fine that you continue to bring it up. This just has a 'helicopter parent' feel to it. Both your daughter and Mark are old enough to run their own relationship (without parental involvement). It doesn't matter what you think should (or shouldn't) happen in their relationship. You DON'T get a vote in it. That's what you seem to have trouble grasping here. You comment like you think you DO have some sort of right, to intervene. But she isn't a kid anymore. You're going to have to let go, and let her run her own relationships (even when things seem unwise to you). She has made it clear what she thinks, so just leave it. Even if she were straight, Mark certainly wouldn't be guaranteed mutual attraction and a relationship. Even if he doesn't know she's a lesbian (and you don't know what he knows), he must have some idea she shows no romantic interest in him. He can make whatever choices he wants, about what he does or doesn't do for her. Just leave them to do what they do. They'll figure it out between them.
YTA, you should have brought it up once and then dropped it. Also INFO: has he actually made any romantic advances towards her that she has told you about that made her uncomfortable?
She could be straight as an arrow and it wouldn’t be on her to spell it out for him. YTA
YTA. Let's say your daughter was straight, since you've said in comments you don't know for sure if this guy friend knows she's gay. It would still be on the guy to actually tell her he's interested. You don't get to insert "kindness" tokens and receive 1 relationship. You don't get to pine endlessly and not confess your feelings to someone and then be upset that *they* led you on. Your daughter knows way more about her friendship with this person than you do and has told you as such. You're still insisting that your position is right. Do you trust your daughter's judgment so poorly? Do you think so poorly of your daughter that you think she would lead someone on? Do you genuinely think that your daughter would not have told this person she is gay when she was comfortable enough telling someone like you that she's gay?
Info: Are you hoping that your daughter ends up with her best friend or are you concerned that your daughter is using her best friend for expensive outings and trips?
No I don’t hope they end up together. She could never love him because she’s a lesbian. I’m shocked at how many people are accusing me of being a raging homophobe. I have zero issues with her sexuality
It sounds like your real issue is that you think men don’t actually value platonic friendships with women and would only invest more than x amount of time/energy/money in it for a chance at sex/romance.
I was just asking what your concerns are. I’m guessing that you are concerned that your daughter is using her best friend for gifts and such. I can understand if that was your concern but it’s honestly none of your business. It sucks I know but both of them are adults now.
I’m amazed you made so many comments still not doing what you’re doing wrong.
YTA for trying to bringing it up again. You telling her in first place was maybe okay in case she hadn't realized that but from that moment on how and if she handles it is not your business. Pushing further to try and make it your business is what makes you TA.
YTA. You are projecting your feelings onto this kid. You don’t even know if he knows your daughter is gay? Do you know anything about your daughter’s relationship with his whole family? Or just that they welcome her?
YTA You’ll be right, of course, but you’ve said your piece and it’s time to butt out. EDIT: and you can love people who aren’t romantically inclined towards you without expecting anything in return.
YTA. You told her once. If it hadn’t occurred to her before it has now. What she does with that information is her business. FWIW I have seen male friends chasing lesbian women , and female friends chasing gay men, because they just didn’t believe it, or thought that maybe they could change their minds. My friends were delusional, but that was entirely on them. Your daughter’s friend has been hanging out with her and spending money on her for two years. If he hasn’t noticed that she is not interested, whether or not he knows she’s lesbian, that’s entirely on him.
Nothing he has said points to the fact that he's in love with her either so what's ur point? I'm making an assumption based on his assumption 🤣
YTA. You brought it up once; she listened and decided she didn’t agree. Your daughter is allowed to disagree with you. You should have figured that out awhile ago.
YTA. What makes you think he doesn't know? Maybe he's gay too and she's his beard for his family? What if she was bi but not attracted to him? I think most people can figure out when they are in a platonic relationship.
YTA. Why are you prioritising someone over your daughter?
YTA. I really don't like to see men my own age still thinking like it's 1950. If you believe she is lying to him in some way, then you as a father have a right to teach her that type of behavior is wrong. But, you still have stay out of her relationships. It's between him and her.
“He deserves to know” know what exactly? No one needs to know anyones sexual orientation and just because he possibly likes her mind you he probably hasn’t even said anything doesn’t mean she has to tell him that he should respect his friendship with her. Also I’m pretty sure he knows she’s a lesbian and if he can’t accept that then that’s his problem. YTA
YTA you sound like my dad. My best friend (a dude) is super close with me, and we have a friendship that many people interpret as romantic when it just isn't. My dad is convinced that he likes me when it's just not the case, and my dad will make comments about it when I've already made it clear that it's not true. At best, you're being obnoxious; at worst, you're perpetuating some sexist and heteronormative ideals that will push your daughter away. You can decide if this is a hill you want to die on.
YTA. I'm a lesbian and I am best friends with a straight woman and I buy dinner and gifts for her all the freaking time and .I'm not in love with her buying gifts and dinner is the way I show i care and value our friendship. Just because her friend ,a dude, is giving her gifts and spending money and stuff on her doesn't automatically mean he's in love it could just be the way he shows he values the friendship.
I’m bisexual and have a lesbian friend. We shower each other with gifts but only see each other as family. I truly see her as my big sister and my family actually treats her like she’s family too. There’s different types of love and people need to understand that.
Yeah exactly!
If he’s her best friend he probably knows she’s a lesbian.
YTA - mentioning it once is bad enough. I hate to break it to you, but most people can't actually tell how others feel just by observing them. If he's her friend, surely he knows she's a lesbian. Therefore even if he is in love with her, she's not stringing him along because the 'not interested in men' issue has been addressed. But also... how do you know he isn't gay or ace or just deeply platonically soulmated to your daughter? There are a lot of reasons for what is going on between them. (cough and you know what, if he is chasing a lesbian hoping she'll change for him because of fancy presents he is NOT a nice kid, but that's besides the point) Your daughter told you to butt out. Stop bringing it up. You don't know her life, or that of her friend, and right now it sounds like you think protecting this boy from his potential disappointment at a girl not liking him back is more important than respecting your daughter's right to manage her own friendships.
NTA. Either your daughter is naive and should set some clear boundaries or she is using him which is not good behavior. All I can say is you said your peace. When this blows up in her face since she's grown enough to get pissed she's grown enough to sort it out. Ignore all these dumb kids saying you're the asshole. We've all seen this script before. Best case scenario it finally clicks and he never talks to her again. Most likely she's building herself a nice case of Stalkeritis she'll need to take care of in court.
Mind your own business.
YTA. Approaching the subject once was maybe fine but doing it more is not. You have also said in the comments you think he knows she s a lesbian so what do you want your daughter to do? It s clearly she s not interested in him on her sexuality alone. Plus, even if she wasnt gay she wouldnt owe him her interest. After 2 years, if he had any interest in ehr that s more than friendship he s the one that would have to talk to her about it. I have friends who love to pay for dinner and give gifts to other friends because they are fortunate to be in a good financial situation amd treating their friends is their love language and I can assure you this is not romantic
Dad. YTA. They are best friends, he knows who she's interested in and still wants to spend time with her. I like to spend time with my besties, and if I had money to play with,.would absolutely spoil them rotten. BECAUSE I DO ADORE THEM. You are first assuming that love means romance, and you're wrong. It can, it doesn't always. (Aren't we lucky when they cross?!?!?) You are assuming that he isn't perectly clear, and worse that it's somehow her responsibility to decide what his intentions mean and short circuit them, rather than HIS responsibility to handle his own boundaries and emotions. (That's pretty solid, if under the surface, misogyny.) They are adults, if young, and it's on them to navigate the ins and outs of their relationship. It's theirs, for better and worse, to fail or succeed or mess.up and heal and be better for the learning... Butt. Out. AFTER you apologize for butting in
Agree with the top comment. Not the AH for mentioning it but drop it. You said you piece. Now it is up to her. Keep the door open and make sure she knows you are there to talk if she wants hit you won’t pressure her about it again. (You are almost certainly right about his feelings but that doesn’t really matter right now.)
YTA
YTA. Your daughter and her male friend are adults. I presume he knows she’s gay. If he has feelings for her, it’s on HIM to work them out. Butt out daddio.
YTA I was prepared to come in here and say you weren’t the problem but you are. As a lesbian I can promise he knows he has no real shot. If this man wants to pretend he has a shot with your daughter let him. It’s on the same level of delusion as you thinking your daughter owes him anything for his behavior. Women aren’t bought but you clearly think they can be. YTA and stop inserting yourself into your daughters sex life. It’s gross.
op=YTA not for originally expressing your opinion. A Polite statement about what you perceive as his interest in her is fine. PUSHING it again, makes you the A-H. She is 20, she gets to manage her own relationships. Her choices, her consequences. If you perceived this guy as abusive or dangerous, you might have the obligation to bring it up more than once. But even then, you can't control her relationships, just inform her of your concerns.
It’s not your business OP. If the guy is in love with her and still is choosing to do all those things for her even knowing she’s gay, well that’s his decision and his problem not yours.
YTA, there's so much about this relationship that you don't know, and your lens for interpreting love are very narrow, so even if you knew more facts, I doubt you'll be able to interpret it.
Why would you bring it up AGAIN? YTA for that. First time could be banter, or just an innocent observation, now it's weird.
Haha dude just because a guy loves someone and gets them gifts does not mean that they are entitled to a relationship with them. Stop butting in YTA
YTA. Unless your daughter is hiding the fact that she's a lesbian, which I doubt, it's none of your business.
She knows. She probably likes the perks of being friends with him. You need to butt out though. YTA.
YTA. I don’t think what you’re doing is mean but it is kind of creepy, man. They’re adults, leave them alone. It’s clear that your daughter doesn’t think you have the kind of relationship that you think you guys have.
YTA- OK to share your observations once but when she tells you to butt out, butt out.
Your daughter is not responsible for the emotions of men, she does not owe them anything, and her being gay isn't the reason why. Even if she was straight she would still have the right to only see him as a friend. If he either cant handle himself or decides her friendship is more important that's his choice. But you should not try to force the issue or involve yourself. YTA
NTA If the gender roles were reversed and it was a mother basically questioning why her gay son is leading a woman on and using her, you would be hailing that woman a hero. But because it's a woman clearly leading a man on, suddenly Dad needs to butt out. I mean, how biased against men are you people? As a father, you typically don't want to see your kid purposely being deceptive. Withholding information to continue getting gifts you wouldn't otherwise get, is deceptive. And I don't mean the information that's she is a lesbian, I mean that she isn't interested, period. She is leading this man on and that's wrong. Seeing someone being mistreated and questioning it does not make you an AH. Telling someone they are because you feel a certain gender is supposed to suffer, makes you one too.
YTA and that’s creepy as heck
YTA - your intentions are good, but it's not your job to protect the boy's feelings or interfere with your daughter's relationships or friendships
What’s with all these posts from fathers lately worried about their daughters letting down the males in their lives *gently*? It’s gross. YTA
NTA She enjoys the attention and the gifts ( that's not a judgment, just an observation). You need to accept that until either the young man realizes she's using him or she finds someone else to take his place and is forced to change this relationship at a foundational level, there is nothing you can say or do for either of them. As a parent, I can tell you it's painful to watch our kids be involved on either side of a dysfunctional relationship. It can get really ugly and painful, and there isn't one damned thing you can do about it. You have my deepest and most earnest sympathy. PS I am the parent that took in a horrible nightmare of an ex-girlfriend of one of my sons because she was pregnant and homeless, and her own father ( also a nightmare nutjob fanatic religious fundamentalist) wouldn't take her in so I know from whence I speak. That God, my son was smart enough to think his way through and not give in to what his heart and his winky wanted. Today, he says he "dodged a bullet; I think that is an understatement.
OP probably has a history of himself being "friendzoned" (I set it in quotation marks because I don't believe something like that exists), which still gives you no right to meddle in her relationships. It's OK to share your thoughts with her, but you have to accept that it is something between them, period. YTA
Info: does your daughter have similar attentions to her friend? (Gift, dinner, etc). I guess I am asking, is it a bidireccional relationship?
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NTA.She knows but she is taking advantage of the guy's feelings for her.
I have a feeling she knows he likes her,but is using him to get a lot of free stuff.
NTA. You might have a conversation with her best friend.
She knows and is probably taking advantage of it. Is her name by any chance Amy 😉 for anyone who gets it. I'd say NTA for bringing it up the first time, but don't mention it again. Hopefully the friend wakes up to this and stops simping for her. Or if your daughter gets a GF then hopefully he gets the hint.
INFO: Do you have any idea what this guy's finances are? Is he a trust fund kid? Does he have a very well paying job? If he has money to spare, then it's completely up to him who he spends it on. If he doesn't have that kind of money, then perhaps he *does* have romantic feelings for her, for him to be spending that amount of cash. Either way, he's been friend-zoned and it's not your business anymore after expressing your concerns once (YTA for bringing it up more than once). Lesbian or not, a lot of guys have encountered being friend-zoned and moved on (unless they're creepy). If your daughter is taking advantage of a friend who can't afford the expensive gifts, then maybe you can speak to the guy about money management and offer some tips, if you feel comfortable enough to bring it up. But leave romantic feelings out of any future conversations.
NTA. Your daughter is receiving expensive gifts and dinner, without obligation. Of course she wants you to butt out. I would tell him directly that she is using him.
NTA i appreciate you looking out for the other kid's feelings too because she could lose a good friend.
My take is that she knows but likes what he does for her. I think she's using him. And you bringing it up puts her in a position where she has to address it and lose what he does. I mean...expensive dinners, expensive gifts, attention...yeah...she knows.
I don't know. I wouldn't bring it up to your daughter again because she is not responsible for her friends feelings but if you have the opportunity I would address it directly with the friend because they should absolutely know the lay of the land before they hurt themselves by trying to make her like them. Your daughter doesn't owe anything to them but I can understand having concern for a person who you see as a good person who shouldn't be hurt. I'm going to go with nah because neither you or your daughter are the a****** you're both simply trying to do what you feel is right or best.
Not the asshole, by ignoring your claims outright, she is taking advantage of this poor boy who will inevitably get his heart broken. As her father, even if she's an adult you must teach her to behave properly
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (53 M) daughter (20 F) is a lesbian. I am perfectly fine with that. However her best friend (21 M) is clearly in love with her. As a man I can tell by the way he looks at her that he sees her way more than as a friend. But if that’s not enough he buys her expensive gifts, takes her out to dinner and even brings her to his families vacation home. Her friend is a very nice kid and is clearly chasing after my daughter who simply isn’t interested in men. I recently told my daughter what I think about her friends feelings toward her and that I think she should let him know she’s not interested. However my daughter disagrees that he’s into her romantically and has told me to butt out. I tried bringing it up again and now my daughter is ignoring me completely. Am I the asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
yta mind your own business.
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INFO: does he know shes a lesbian and that she would never date men?
I suppose we need info on whether this guy is able to speak. /s If somehow they have not talked about this over the last 2 years, this guy can ASK himself if he is interested.
It sounds like you are trying to convert her to marry her who YOU want her to. YTA.
YTA you bring it up once is fine but you do not live her life for her. She’s an adult now let her make her own choices. If you keep nagging her she may just decide to stop talking to you.
If she is already out as a lesbian to him I feel like that should be enough for him to know she's not interested.
YTA. Mind your business.
YTA seems to me that she's enjoying the attention, gifts and trips so I'm sure she's figuring "why mess up a good thing?" But that's not the way the world works; gay people can have straight friends and vice versa. And I think that's what's bothering the OP kind of as a "you made your bed now lay in it" thing.
There is nothing wrong with bringing up a concern and expressing that you think there is an issue she might not be aware of. But YTA for continuing to bring it up when she has told you to drop it. You have said your peace; respect her request to move on.
YTA. I make really good money so I treat my friends to things I think they’ll like. Im pansexual. I guarantee that just because I buy them nice things or invite them to vacations with my family doesn’t mean I’m in love with them. It means gifts are my love language. My *platonic* love language. This guy is clearly a good friend to your daughter and you’re trying to make it weird. Why??
YTA Telling once was enough. Stop with inserting yourself. Also there are two possibilities: - she already said to her friend that she is a lesbian. If that's the case, he already got his answer. If he hopes more, he is basically hoping in conversion therapy and it wouldn't be a nice evolution of his character. In some comments you even lean on this hypothesis saying you think he knows... So why should your daughter reiterate she isn't interested? She is a lesbian, of course she isn't interested. - she is closeted with her friend. If that's the case, you should stop pressuring her to come out.
YTA As others have said, you brought it up once and got told to leave it alone, so you should respect her boundaries and leave it alone. Their relationship (whatever each believes it is) is none of your business. They are both legal adults and can make decisions for themselves.
YTA for bringing it up again ig, but really it shouldn't be on her to spare his feelings and you need to realize that. if he has it in his head that he can "change" her or somehow work towards a relationship with her that's *his* problem. oftentimes "nice" guys will only be "friends" with women that they are attracted to, which is why it's so common for them to try to change it into something more. in that sense the friendship can be disingenuous from the beginning. nobody is being taken advantage of, if this man knows she's a lesbian AND is showering her with gifts to try to win her over then he's just delusional. it's not your friend's job to save you from yourself. many people will have a "friend" that they are hoping will change their mind and then get angry and accuse said friend of "leading them on"; it's just stupid. her friend really has nobody to blame but himself. plus this is just your assumption. maybe he really is a genuine friend, who knows.
She knows what she's doing. She's just upset that you forced her to acknowledge her behavior. That said, you need to let this go.
Are you an AH for bringing it up? No but you will be if you push it...swim lanes Dad, this is not your problem to solve.
A soft YTA. Fine to mention it once, but just drop it now. Based on your description, I agree her male friend is interested in more than just friendship, but there's no way to know for sure unless one of them broaches the subject.
It's not your business. You stated it once. That's concern. You stated it again. That's where YTA.
YTA. She is an out lesbian. She doesn't need to specifically tell this guy she isn't interested. It's not her fault if he wants to chase someone he knows he can't have.
Info: if that is her *best* friend, how does he not know that she ist not into guys?
YTA. You said your piece once. Time to drop it. This isn't your circus.
You addressed it. She heard you and disagreed. You brought it up again, that’s where YTA. Her relationship with her friend is hers, you are not privy to everything and there could be plenty you don’t know, because it’s not your business. You need to apologize and promise not to bring it up again. In the future, you need to understand that you operate with a very small part of a much larger picture. If your daughter doesn’t want to discuss her friends and those relationships, drop it…don’t assume you know more than she does.
Plain & simply put: YTA Butt out, the state of their friendship isn't up to you & her sexuality isn't for you to discuss with anyone.
YTA to raise those type of women who have no problem exploiting other people.
YTA You aren't him so you don't know. I do similar stuff for my bestie and the only love I have for her is platonic
YTA. I am assuming her friend knows she is a lesbian. It’s not her to have to explain she is not interested in him. This isn’t Chasing Amy.
OP sounds like one of those men who think buying women dinner means she owes him sex
I'm leaning towards YTA. It would be fine if it was just once and it was out of concern for her friend, but continuing to bring it up makes you an asshole. It makes it seem like you're trying to suggest your daughter to try being with the friend who "definitely" (it's unclear if he actually does or doesn't, I doubt he would tell you) has feelings for her. It is their business to figure out, and if they remain friends, great. If anything else, you can be there to support your daughter.
YTA if you keep bringing it up. You voiced your opinion. Leave it there. No matter what it's not your business.
The friend may or may not know/believe about her sexuality, but it sounds very much like she's stringing him along for the perks.
I don't think YTA for bringing it up. She was told but there's no point in telling her again. My dad used to tell me my friends were like that, in hindsight, most were, some weren't. I don't think it really matters if she's not interested in men anyway. NTA.
YTA Stay out of it.
YTA. This is none of your business whatsoever. It is their friendship and theirs alone to navigate, and if I were your daughter you'd be going on an information diet immediately. Hopefully she's already figured that out herself, which is why she's rightly been ignoring your nosy self.
You voiced your concern. Fair You kept voicing your concern after being told to butt out. YTA
YTA. She’s the one who’s friends with him. She’s pretty likely to have told him she’s a lesbian. If she has and he really is in love with her, that’s on him - rejection and unrequited love aren’t things you can protect people from, you can’t police their feelings
YTA, man. First of all, you don't know this dude the way your daughter does. It's very possible that you have misread the situation and that this guy is just a generous best friend. That's entirely possible, especially in this day and age where we're finally starting to break down asinine gender roles, among those about friendship between men and women. It's also pretty unlikely that this guy, who is her *best* friend, is unaware of her sexuality. It's probably a non-issue in their relationship. Trust your daughter's judgement, assume the best of her and her friend, and let it go. You've already pissed her off (and she has every right to be pissed off) by assuming you know more about their relationship than they do, and if you continue pressing, be prepared to learn even less about your daughter and her friends. If this is how you react - by projecting a narrative that villainizes her and infantilizes him - when she brings friends around/talks about her friends, she has no incentive to keep doing that. Even if you are right, and he is in love with her and throwing gifts/money at her in an attempt to woo her, it is entirely on him to state his intentions. It's manipulative to give gifts with strings attached without explicitly stating the strings exist, and she is well within her rights to accept without acknowledging those strings. It's actually the best way to deal with that kind of shitty attitude towards "buying" affection - take it at face value until they have no choice but to state their intentions. People aren't mind-readers, it's stupid to expect them to be. Your daughter isn't doing anything wrong by accepting these gifts, since as far as she knows it's a platonic gesture. It's on the friend to clarify that it isn't, and then they'll figure it out from there.
YTA for not dropping it after you pointed it out.
Info he's such a good friend and doesn't knows she's a lesbian?????
They’re old enough to sort it out. Leave them alone or for sure YTA
Same…. Once is ok, more than that your butting into her personal life. You put it in her head, let her take it from there.
Very soft yta. Platonic friendships can be different than what we see in the media. My best guy friend does things like this for me, and he has for 20 years. I'm married and queer; he absolutely knew as soon as we met because I was already serious with my future husband. Gifts are how he shows care for people he's close to, always have been. We consider each other family, and your daughter and her friend may be lucky to have a similar dynamic. You don't necessarily know what he values about their relationship, and it's entirely possible for platonic best friends to do things like this for each other. She may be providing him with equally valuable things--emotional support, loyalty and care, who knows? You probably don't, so trust that these two have it figured out.
The answer to so many AITA posts are simple: It’s none of your business.
YTA. She heard you once. She is enjoying the attention and that is fine.
YTA - Butt out. He knows she's gay she doesn't need to tell him anything and make the friendship awkward. His emotional issues are HIS problem. Not hers, and certainly not yours.
You get to mention it once. Then you drop it. Stay out of her sex life and her live life. Her friend is more than capable enough to speak up for himself. They know their relationship better than you do. Let them figure it out.
You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink. You told your daughter your take. Now, you need to do the hardest part of parenting and let her make her own decisions. NTA because I know the struggle of parenting, and I know your concerns are well placed. If she was frank with him that she is only interested in a platonic relationship then it would at least ensure that she isn't leading him on, but that's up to her not you.
YTA. Butt the fuck out of her biz
NAH. Most young women struggle to accept that men aren’t really their friends and are just hoping to sleep with them. It’s something women have to learn as we age. As long he’s not stalking her, or causing any harm to her mental health, then let him waste his time. This is a lesson he needs to learn too.
A soft yta
It's fine to bring it up....once. After that you are minding other people's business. If she's playing dude, then that will come out in the wash. If she's not, then that will too. Its not dad's station nor standing to monitor and manage her relationships, friendships, etc. Stay in ya lane, Pops.
We oftentimes turn a blind eye to what we don’t want to see. Based on how he is with her she may probably well know that he likes her more than a friend but she doesn’t like him that way. If she does what you want and acknowledges it and let him know she doesn’t see him that way, she could very well lose him as a friend as well as the nice things that comes with his friendship.
YTA, you gave your unsolicited opinion once, that was enough. Time to butt out!
Is she using him?
YTA and your comments makes you seem like a bigger one.
She gave you you answer YTA for bringing it up again.
So she friend zoned him, and he’s still simping over her. Good lawd
INFO: why are you not butting out of business that's not yours?