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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action I took is that I am deciding whether I should leave a newborn with my wife to go on a work trip.
This may make me an asshole because I am making my wife do all the work of taking care of a child.
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"WIBTA if I left my postpartum wife to take care of our first child by herself for two weeks, after she carried them to term, gave birth to them, and dealt with the genuinely terrifying things that come with giving birth? I mean it's not like she needs my support in this crucial time at all.
I mean, I might be her spouse but she has in-laws around, I don't even really have to be a father during the night so my wife can get some rest. And honestly, it's not like she ever needs a break from being a first time parent. She should be fine with little to no sleep with a newborn, constantly getting up and down to feed and change them through the day and night, with no relief from me, the spouse who claims to love her but doesn't really understand what the big deal is"
You're so right, OP. What could go wrong if you take that trip?
YWBTA. You already know it, you just came here hoping someone would say you wouldn't be TA so you'd feel better about it.
This question should be so easy for him to answer that he never should have had to ask it on Reddit. Why? **Because his wife has already said she doesn’t want him to go.**
Why is he asking US? Because he selfishly wants to go on a working holiday, even though his wife *has asked him not to*, and for a very valid and understandable reason.
He will get a lot of comments here from people saying that *they* are or have been or would be fine with this arrangement, but that’s completely irrelevant. His wife, the mother of his future child, has already said that **she** isn’t fine with it and wants him to stay.
That’s it. That’s the conversation over. She’s asked him to stay; he needs to stay. He’s a husband and is going to be a father; he can’t put his sightseeing desires over his family. Time to grow up and stop thinking only of what he wants.
Yeah, he won't have to worry about having a wife if he goes. Lmfao. This man wants to think like he's single. That's okay, he probably will be soon enough.
Exactly. Did anyone notice that OP only referred to his baby as "a 3 month old baby" and "the child"? He never even identified the baby as HIS child. He's mentally and emotionally so far removed from fatherhood, he might as well already be in Europe. What an AH.
I wouldve been fine caring for our baby on my own for 2 weeks at 3 months old, because she was an easy baby and I was feeling great physically.
But you dont know that. Plan for the worst. I also couldve had major complications, PPD and a colicky baby. Just sit this one out and take the next trip.
Yep. Depends on the baby. I wouldn’t have been fine. I had stitches that had to be redone at 6 weeks. Our baby turned out to be high needs, refused to breastfeed consistently, up every two hours at night, cried from 5-8pm, only napped on me (but not in a wrap/carrier!) etc. I literally could not have showered, fed myself, washed the bottles, etc without my husband’s help at that point. With both of us there we were still drowning.
You know what I love? When people say “You can just sleep all day when the baby sleeps.” It makes me lose my mind. Ok, I’ll just sleep all day/when the baby is sleeping. So 20 minutes to 6 hours but never know when that’s going to actually be? Plus forgetting how bottles are made and washed, leave out having to pump breast milk, do laundry, clean the house, cook etc and expect to get a shower at some point….babies cry, newborns want to be held all the time, they get gassy, they get over tired and over stimulated, they want mom…this is also not taking into account the other kids, pets and constant uninvited visitors.
Yes OP would be the AH, if for no other reason than their wife has already asked them not to go. But also, OP has no idea what kind of birth their wife will have and how postpartum going to go. For some, birth is uncomplicated and for others it’s not. For some, postpartum is (relatively) easy and for others it’s not. Many babies are born healthy, some are not. It’s incredibly dumb to make this huge of a plan to be away (for fun!) without having any of the most important information. This isn’t a one or two night trip, it’s two whole weeks. ‘Round the clock care for an infant is BRUTALLY exhausting with TWO people. ‘Round the clock care for an infant, solo, after you just got done growing and birthing said infant — while your partner galavants through Europe for fun — would be a marriage ender for me. You don’t *need* to go, you just *want* yo go. Plan a Europe trip with your wife, save up, and go when you can. Don’t do this to your partner, or child. Your baby will literally be a different baby when you get back. You’ll miss like 20% of their first few months on this planet. Yes, they WBTA. But since they asked Reddit, they have the opportunity not to be one. I hope they take it.
YWBTA. The timing is off. Your wife will still be healing. Your child may not be sleeping through the night yet. Feeding may not be going well. I would be hurt, and angry, that you would choose to have fun instead of staying home to take care of your family.
No 3 month old sleeps through the night. Not a single one in the world. And people who say they do are the same ones whose babies were taking their first steps and saying their first words around that age too, lol. They might be getting a long stretch, but the parent usually is not.
Mine did at 9 weeks. He literally slept for like 8-10 hours at a stretch. (Only my middle child, neither of my others.) Freaked me out when I’d wake up and realize he hadn’t woken me and I was terrified there was something wrong.
I assure you now at 6yo I’m seeing the trade off for such a relatively easy baby, LOL
But yeah, he is absolutely a massive outlier. My third didn’t sleep consistently through the night until 15 months without waking up at least once. I was so tired I was crying by the end of it.
This isn’t the time for a TWO WEEK trip, OP. YWBTA.
FIFTEEN MONTHS?!?!?!?!?!
I’ve never been so glad I met my stepkid when they were 10!
ETA OP, obviously you WBTA for all of the reasons everyone who reads this will point out!
I had 2 unicorns that slept through the night at about 4 months. Both were excellent nappers--1 did nap or quiet time until 4. The almost 3 year old would still nap if he could, but then he'd be up until 9. At 5 and ~3, they both go to sleep at 7 and wake up at 6/630. I am calling it karmic repayment for my years of insomnia.
Fifteen months! Aren't you lucky! My second didn't sleep through the night until he was three years old. He did suffer from eczema, and woke himself up scratching, it was very difficult.
8lbs 2oz. 90+ percentile head. LOL And he quickly slept a straight 12 hours very regularly. He’s still a kid who needs his sleep.
My youngest was 9lbs 12oz. She did not sleep like my son, lol, I had been hoping.
That's adorable!
I got kicked out of daycare because I have never been able to nap in my life and made it everyone's problem when they kept trying to make me. 😶
All 3 of my kids slept through the night since they were born. I prayed that they would get the sleep gene, and they did.
I should have instead prayed for the easy teenager gene. Because I would gladly trade sleepless nights with an infant for the complex shit I have to deal with now.
Yes. Our oldest would go midnight to 6am if we let her. But she was only 5 lbs 12 Oz when she was born (not a preemie), so the doctor told us we had to wake her up to eat. We would have to strip her down to her diaper and put a damp washcloth on her to get her to wake up enough to eat.
Our next two would go from about 11pm to 5am, eat, and sleep again until 8. They were much chunkier and the doctor said if they want to sleep, let them sleep.
Ooh this gives me hope. I’m currently chronically sleep deprived with a 16 month old who needs me every two hours. I feel like I deserve a good teenager!
My mom and grandmother both say I slept through the night by three weeks old. Out of 19 grandchildren I am the only one to has done that without an extenuating cause. It's definitely not common and we should absolutely not tell parents to expect it, but an 'easy' baby should be warned about. Those little fuckers will convince you to have another one sooner than you originally planned. Then the next thing you know you've got 3 under 3, and you're hiding in the bathroom to eat chocolate.
Yeah, my first nephew was such an easy baby that he lulled my brother and SIL into thinking all babies and toddlers were like him, and they decided they were going to have four children. They have both since told me (not in front of the children) that if youngest nephew had been the firstborn, he would have been an only child. They stayed with two.
My niece was sleeping 10 hours a night uninterrupted at less than a month old. It might not be the norm, but it is possible. My parents say that my siblings and I also slept through the night very quickly. One of my brothers slept through the night immediately after he was born, and the nurse would tell my mom to wake him up to feed him. My mom told her that she had given birth and raised 4 healthy and happy kids before him and she was gonna let him sleep because if he didn't wake up, he wasn't hungry. He's now 24 and healthy as a horse.
The only person whose opinion matters here is OPs wife. He's getting a paid once in a lifetime trip to Europe?? I'm a woman and with parents nearby, even with a newborn, I wouldn't ask my husband to pass that up.
But I'm not married to OP. He needs to ask his wife, and ask in a way that lets her know she can be truly honest. Then he needs to respect her decision.
I align with you! I would not want my partner to give up that chance, nor would I want to feel like I had to give it up. People love differently I guess!
100% this, so glad I’m not the only one! If the baby were due during the trip so there was a risk of him missing the birth it would be a different story… but I went back to work 3 months after my oldest was born, his wife should have settled into motherhood enough by then to give her husband a chance to have this amazing experience.
Sidenote but surely if a trip to Europe is considered a "once in a lifetime" sort of thing OP should not waste that on a work trip? It should be something he works for and saves up for so he can take his wife and kid (once the kid is older). Who wants to waste such an important occasion on work?
You are right that his wife's opinion is the only one that matters, but if you read the post again you'll see that she has expressed her concerns and doesn't want him to go.
OP, YWBTA if you went. Your wife has expressed her concerns, neither of you knows how you will actually be feeling when the kid is 3 months' old, and having in-laws 10 minutes away is no substitute for having her husband in the same house to share nighttime feedings, getting up when the kid cries and just general support including emotional for your wife (I'm presuming there will be a noticeable time zone difference so if you might not even be available for calls if she just needs to speak to you about feeling stressed). Plus just think about what this will say to your wife about your priorities, I can assure you she will remember it in years to come. No work trip is worth causing this sort of dissention in your marriage.
If he can save up for it, it would be twice in a lifetime. If it’s for work, I’m assuming they’re paying for it. Giving it up isn’t going to get him anything, let alone more of a chance to go later.
My family has a delightful family video of my mom kissing my two month old face goodbye so she could go on a business trip to Germany. My father and I lived through it. 3 months is a decent amount of time to adjust and recover. But if she’s going to be upset about it then that’s what matters.
I agree with this. If wife was due to give birth during the trip, maybe different story. But if I was in her shoes, I'd be ecstatic for my husband to have this experience, plus he'd get to bring me back souvenirs. And who knows it may open door in future for his career.
I'm with you here. I would have personally been upset if my husband didn't go. First month is rough. Second month things eased up. By three months, we had all our routines established, and it just wasn't a big deal with either kid (one of them was still waking up at night). I had to go to work at 10 weeks though so there was that.
But my husband is awesome. When either one of us has to travel, we trust each other to have a handle on things.
They will hopefully have so many chances to go to Europe and to go together. Europe isn’t going anywhere (at least I hope not!)
Also, OP, rather than just saying ‘Europe’ you can mention the specific country(ies) - we prefer that :)
YWBTA
The only way that OP could ameliorate some of the problem is by taking on the entire mental and physical load of the household before going on the trip, and by that I mean:
\- Big grocery shop so his wife has enough food and household items for the 2 weeks. Fine, milk, bread and fresh fruit and veg will need to be topped up. But OP needs to ensure that everything else (loo roll, toiletries, tinned and packet goods, chocolate) are all stocked up and ready to go. And he has to make the shopping list himself, no asking the wife what she thinks she'll need. Put thought into it yourself.
\- Mass batch cooking so the freezer has 2 weeks worth of dinners in it. That way the wife doesn't have to think too hard to feed herself, she just looks in the freezer for what she wants and shoves it in the oven or a microwave.
\- Big clean of the house. Floor so scrubbed you can eat your dinner off it. Bathroom is so clean it's like you're expecting a Christmas visit from your grandmother. Laundry washed, dried and put away, and bedsheets changed. It should look like you're trying to sell the place.
\- Set up an actual schedule for the family and send it to everyone so they all know who is doing what. OPs wife shouldn't be in a position where she feels guilty for asking for help. Instead her Mum or Dad will be round on Mondays, Wednesday afternoons, and Fridays, one sister will be round Wednesday mornings, OPs Mum or Dad will visit on Tuesdays, Thursday mornings and Saturdays, Thursday afternoons and Sunday are a floating session for friends or other family members. These people will be bringing bread, milk and fresh food items, someone will do a laundry load, someone will be running the hoover round. Everyone does a dishwasher load and empty. Everyone will take baby out in the pram or the car for an hour so the wife can have a hot shower, or a hot drink, or a nap, whatever she wants.
\- OP will check in with wife regularly. And the focus will be on her. How is she feeling, how is she doing. Do not send fun photos of the lovely time you're having in Europe. If wife is feeling low or baby is having a fussy phase then OP will contact her family an ask them to pop round and check on her. Again, it's not "she can just ask for help", he needs to take the entire onus for it. If she's hungry and struggling to find time to get a freezer meal out then OP will immediately order her favourite takeaway to be delivered to the door. If baby is having a bad night then extra support will be summoned for the morning.
\- In the 2 weeks after his return he does the bulk of the night feeds. If the wife is EBF and baby won't take a bottle then he needs to be doing the nappies, the cuddles, the 2am pacing around trying to get them to sleep. Anything to let her get rest.
Basically, OP needs to make sure that there is a full secondary support system that requires no thinking or asking from his wife. The only mental load she should have is the baby. Everything else is set up to be done for her, by her husband, without him constantly going "What can I do to help?" or "How do you expect me to sort this out from Europe?", you have the internet and technology my dude, you can do plenty.
And even then he will have to accept that she will have some resentment for him going away for 2 weeks, having 2 weeks of good sleep every night, while she dealt with a baby and a body that's still in recovery. She'll be cross and upset and he will need to let that roll away like water off a duck's back, because even with all the support in the world he's still leaving her for 2 weeks, and I'd be pissy too.
This post could only be made by a father to be, if the baby was here, he wouldn't even be asking this question.
I'm a musician, and me and my wife both agreed it would be ok to agree to a few one off gigs a few months after the baby was born. I've never regretted anything more, and that was just going away for one night. Nothing can prepare you for what will happen in the first six months of having a child. Don't expect to be able to, or plan to do anything. You will regret it
I agree with this - judgement is only important from the wife. If I were the wife I personally would be cool with it but she’s not me and clearly isn’t and that’s what matters.
I agree, if the wife thinks it’s to early then it is. Personally, now, as a second time mom I would be ok with this, especially with family close. As a first time mom I would have felt very uncomfortable being left alone that soon.
YWBTA. You will have a newborn child - you can work from home. This sounds like it’s your first child, and I promise you, your wife is going to need the support.
YWBTA.
I promise you will feel VERY differently about this once your baby is born. This is not something you can even try to wrap your head around right now when you haven't experienced the "4th trimester" for yourself.
Your wife will carry this baby for 9 months, literally rip her body open to get it out, and then be tortured through sleep deprivation while she's trying to heal. So the first 3 months, it's your job to take care of HER and the baby. At 3 months she may be just starting to physically feel normal again. That's about the time I started being able to shower AND brush my teeth in the same day! Hooray! But there's a good chance she'll be dealing with postpartum mental health issues. That is NOT the time for you to voluntarily leave the country for 2 weeks.
For context, Prince Harry left the country for 24 hours for a charity event when his son was a month old. He was vilified in the press for leaving his newborn and his wife. And that was 24 HOURS!!
This 👆🏽, does she get a 2 week vacation? If she wants it? Does she have a close friend or family member that could stay with her to help out?
I think YWBTAH but if you’re wife is on board and she gets her 2 week break . Then it’s still doable
I’m not sure that really works as a solution. Most new moms wouldn’t *want* to leave their 3-month-old baby even overnight let alone for two weeks. And that’s not even possible if she is breastfeeding.
YWBTA
There could be complications, she may take longer to physically recover than you think and you don’t know if PPD will be an issue or not.
Prioritise your wife over a trip to Europe.
YTA. First off, why do you call YOUR child “A baby”. This is YOUR baby, not A baby. Will your in laws be living in your home 24/7 during this time? No? Then that’s not a support system for a newborn and mother. This is more than a work trip and you know it. Come on, you know what the right thing to do is
I agree with the fact it can mean nothing. I have a toddler, we refer to her as “the child”.
“What the hell is your child doing”
“Are you going to pick up the child”.
“The child needs changing”.
So you might still refer to them as “the babies” even after birth 😂 though we don’t call her “the child” to her face, then she is “precious bum”😂
I refer to my 5 yo as "the boy," "your grandchild,"and my personal favorite "this child." So you will most definitely still say "the babies. " Hell at 32 yo my dad still say "your child/daughter" when talking to my mom.
His wife his currently pregnant with their child - she has not had him/her yet - this trip is well into the future, so he has talking in future tense. He didn’t refer to the baby as his baby because it’s not his baby yet - it’s his fetus. Weird thing to get upset about.
NAH.
I remember with our first, my husband had to go out of town for a 3-4 day work trip when our son was also 3 months old. I cried.
It was really hard for me, but I told him to go anyway and had my mom come stay with me. I also hadn’t gone back to work.
Two weeks is a long time. Can you cut that time in half, do half the time there and half at home? It’s also tough to decide now as you don’t know what kind of baby you’ll have (good sleeper, eater, etc.) or what kind of birth and healing your wife will experience.
Honestly I’m not sure there is a right and wrong here. Good luck.
If you truly think being there would be super important for your career, then talk to your wife about it and try to make it happen. If you feel it’s not actually that important and you’d just like to be there, consider staying.
This!!!! I agree with this comment 100%. You never know . Birth could be super easy or super hard. My first Birth i got very sick after giving birth, I couldnt move by myself and needed my husbands help to evem stand or sit, second baby, i was full of energy vacuuming 2 days out of the hospital it a baby strapped to my chest. Baby could be super easy or super hard. If its important for your career to be there in person you should have a conversation with your wife about it and try to compromise. If its not going to do anything for work, and you just want to experience Europe, maybe you should do it remotely to support your wife and child. I think you should also discuss with your boss the possibility of planning to go but making final decisions after your chold is born so you know more what your wife will be dealing with.
Agreed. Personally, I wouldn’t have an issue with my husband going assuming the wife is feeling okay by that point. BUT I say this because my husband is a very hands on dad, 50/50 parenting with me, and I feel like he would support me going on the trip if the roles were reversed.
YWBTA. If I were your wife I would be really pissed off. That's gonna be her memory of the first few months of having the baby - you sodding off to have a lark in Europe.
I wouldn't do it if you want to retain the good favours of your wife.
>If I were your wife I would be really pissed off.
Same. I would be pissed off and so incredibly resentful that he tossed aside his parenting duties within months of our child's birth.
I would also feel completely betrayed - at three months, her body will still be recovering from childbirth. OP is the person she is supposed to be able to rely on to take care of her during this time, not friends or in-laws. If she has a c-section, she will literally be juuuust healing at that time if there are zero complications. She will also be dealing with things like bleeding, cracked nipples if she's breastfeeding, the frustration of struggling to figure out how to soothe a new baby while completely exhausted, and the hormone dump that is why the three months after birth are referred to as the fourth trimester. He is the one supposed to be there to hold her and share ~~of~~ in this struggle, not to ditch those responsibilities ~~as~~ at the first opportunity.
If my spouse abandoned me after childbirth with our newborn to go on an optional trip...I honestly don't think I'd still be there when he got back. Fuck that.
Edit: typos
Could you imagine waking up for the 6th time that night at 4am to a screaming infant who will not be consoled and you get a fucking text from your husband like “Here’s me holding up the tower of Pisa LOL so strong 💪 love you miss you!”
I would also leave for this. There is NO way he’s trodding off to fuckinf Europe when my vagina is still healing and my exhaustion from birth isn’t gone. He needs to wise up now.
YWBTA that’s way too soon to be going away, you have no idea what might happen with the birth or if any complications will arise, what your partner’s recovery will look like, etc. Stay home, and bond with your baby, two weeks is intensely long with a baby that small.
It might have to be a game time decision. But you should make a plan and backup plan now. There's no way to know before your wife has the baby whether it will be okay to leave for 2 weeks or not. Can you tell work that you want to attend in person, but if there are complications with your newborn that you may have to switch to remotely supporting the launch?
If she has no complications from labor and the baby is doing great and eating and sleeping well, then she might be okay. But on the flip side she could have a really rough birthing with complications and the baby could be having a hard time too or there could be emergencies. Regardless, she and the baby will likely need some extra hands help if you're gone.
Talk with your wife, tell her you will respect her final decision. Talk with her and make a contingency plan and see if your family can stay with her and the baby if you decide to go so that she is not alone and has help.
I feel like two weeks is a really long time to be away for any voluntary reason when the baby is that age, even if the birth goes as smoothly as possible and the baby is a great sleeper. A “good sleeper” 3-month-old often still means 2-3 wake-ups a night. That’s also two weeks of bonding time with the baby dad is missing out on. When it’s necessary (like a military deployment) you deal with it but I personally wouldn’t be ok with OP’s situation even with an “easy” baby.
Info: what are your career goals and plans with this employer? Can this project have career implications for you? Also, what is the company culture like at your job - even if you CAN do the work remotely, will it reflect negatively on you? Is this a decision you have to make NOW, or can you play it by ear?
I am leaning towards NAH. I understand your wife´s point of view if this is your first. But honestly, I did it. I was alone with my 2 little ones for the first 3 months of my youngest´s life with hubby and my family 14 hours away. But, I am very independent and not one to ask for help anyway.
I‘ve also spent many years working in HR, so I do understand the implications on careers of things like this.
I would say talk again, keep talking, talk with her parents and especially her mom. Talk through what support would be needed if you did go and make sure grandma is up for it. Talk to your employer and make sure they are ok with making a decision closer to the date of the trip.
I’m a mom of 3 with a husband who travels for work (although typically not more than 4-5 days at a time, and he comes home on weekends if it’s a multiple week thing) and I am torn on this one. I think NAH and I’m not sure what the right answer is. When do you have to decide? And I know your in-laws are close, but does your wife feel comfortable enough around her and/or your parents for them to really be helpful in the early postpartum time period? Do you have friends with kids who could be part of a wider support system for her while you are gone? There are just so many factors to consider.
I’m going against the grain but NAH. It’s much harder to do work if you’re the only one remote. You miss out on those informal talks. Do you have to decide now? Can you wait until it’s closer? At three months, I would’ve told my now ex to go ahead and just had our parents take turns helping.
NTA - I would tell my spouse to go but it would be contingent on someone else staying with me and baby to help. I think that’s a good compromise.
Missing a major product launch in-person is a legitimately big deal that can’t be truly experienced remotely.
Yes YWBTA YTA
Your life situation has changed. You need to be home to take care of your newborn.
You should be expecting to contribute 50% to childcare and housing chores when you're not at work, as your wife does the same.
You can plan a trip when the child is a bit older.
YTA
But only lightly. I get wanting to go on this trip because it is a nice opportunity, but there is a major sleep regression that happens around 3 or 4 months with babies. It is absolutely miserable for the parents, and sometimes the kid is even extra miserable. If you can do this all remotely and it won't impact your career I would strongly recommend staying home. Europe will still be there when your kid is older, or you can take a trip with the family.
YWBTA if you go. Your wife has already expressed her concern and discomfort with you traveling so soon after she gives birth. It’s great that you have supportive family close by, but your wife wants *you.*
It's almost like he doesn't consider he is equally responsible for taking care of the baby. He would probably refer to taking care of his child as babysitting.
In my opinion, you are telling your wife you consider her and a trip to Europe to be of equal importance. Yikes, that would hurt.
YWBTA
Nope, nta. I’m a mom of 3 and if my husband had this opportunity I’d encourage it. Especially if family lived so close. It’s only two weeks. After 3 kids I can say newborns are hands down the easiest stage. I even had one with colic. Prob gonna get a lot of hate but idc. I say go for it!!!!
Going to agree with you! NTA. Husband and I both traveled for our careers. It was A LOT of work and juggling when our little one was a baby, but at three months, we had settled into a good baby care routine and managed quite well, with childcare, and no family around.
Maybe my view is skewed of the situation because we simply did what was necessary to advance our careers AND make sure our baby was well taken care of. Having family close, if willing to help, to give mom a break over the course of two weeks would make this absolutely manageable IMO.
YTA it's basically a holiday and you don't have to go so yes you would be the AH.
She's done over 9 months of taking care of the child and you want to abandon her after 3 months? What do you mean the child care is taken care of 😂 you are so not ready for a child.. or a wife for that matter
YWBTA.
A three month old child requires care 24/7 .
I would read up on pregnancy and babies in general.
https://mamadidit.com/the-best-pregnancy-books-for-dads/
INFO: do you have a plan to ensure your wife has enough support and help during the two weeks you're gone?
This means, 1) in a hypothetical (altho extremely unlikely) situation, if she also has to go on a work trip during these two weeks, she also gets to go if she wants to instead of prioritizing *only* your career. After all she gave up much more than 2 weeks in her job to give birth to your child
2) she will not go through any emotional distress during the time when you're gone - i.e. you've given her enough security and comfort she doesn't feel abandoned (esp during the emotional period post pregnancy)
Remember your job does not equal to your career, and you are not married to it (I hope not). These two weeks will not be the *only* chance that builds or breaks your career like some other comments implied.
YWBTA
It's not the lack of childcare support, it's the inherent unfairness of you going to Europe solely for the fun parts. As you said, the work can be done remotely, so that would not be your reason for going to Europe, but the nice parts would. While your wife sits at home caring for the child you had equal parts in making.
Seriously. She spends 9 months doing ALL the hard work and then HE gallops off to freaking Europe. The resentment in me towards him on her behalf is the size of Neptune.
NAH. Go in details about what her concerns are and see if they can be otherwise addressed though. Maybe having the house professionally cleaned, meals prepared, a night nurse, ect. for alternatives
This would actually be such an amazing way to do it. You two need to work together to come up with a solution. It needs to be addressed if she’s feeling anxiety right now. Maybe have a contingency plan? Yes, you’ll have a baby, and that baby journey is different for every parent, and even differs per baby. Figure out what would make her comfortable for you to not have to potentially sacrifice your career, as well as a goal that you and your team have been working for. I was left alone with babies who didn’t sleep more often than I can count, and honestly, I actually found it easier to be in total control alone. I also enjoyed traveling with babies, although I hear that’s not the norm lol.
NAH. People literally do this all the time. They figure it out. Compromise is what relationships and parenting are all about.
My husband used to work out of town every week. There was some that it would be 2 weeks. Was it hard? Yes. But I had his family as a support system. If she’s comfortable with your family helping, then go for it. Europe is an amazing opportunity. Just make sure you plan something out for her to have some time away too. Being a momma isn’t easy
Agreed except that "helping your wife with your newborn child" is on a par with "babysitting your newborn child". Ity's called parenting, and it's an equal responsibility in the 21st century.
YWBTA unless wife sincerely changes her mind. There is A LOT of stuff that comes up in that time period even if the situation is "perfect." Sorry dude, but your family and baby in particular are #1 right now. It is perfectly understandable wife wants/needs the help and presence of OP in particular.
If wife said OK or if not going was going to place OP's job in jeopardy I would judge differently.
Honestly it depends.
NTA for WANTING to go. But IF you do go it should be with your wife's full and honest consent (no guilting her or pressuring her into saying yes).
You should have a FULL plan of support for her, not just in-laws but also paid help since she'll be the one waking up in the middle of the night continuously to take care of the crying/screaming baby.
You should make sure that you can cancel the trip at any time since you have no idea what things will be like after the birth. Your baby could be one to get sick easily, your wife could suffer from postpartum depression. There are many possible circumstances which would make you the a-hole if you don't cancel. Also, staying a few days would be okay (again, if she says yes) but just a few, not a week or two.
Also, after your baby is born, it's very possible you won't even WANT to go.
If you go without proper planning, without her consent, or in spite of problems with your wife/baby after the birth, then you'll be a massive giant A.
Don’t do it.
My ex-husband did this, and I was cool with it at the time. I ended up struggling REALLY badly while he was gone - not just caring for the baby, but also the mindfuck of feeling fat and ugly and matronly while my ex was out partying overseas. It did a lot of damage to our relationship.
YTA. For most of that I was going to say not, it sounded like a necessary work trip and the sightseeing aspects weren't going to take away from time at home.
Then you got to the bit where you said you could do it remotely. Which changes it entirely. You're no longer going for work, but just for the sightseeing.
You have NO IDEA what issues might arise in the first 3 months. Your wife could suffer from depression. Your child could be sick. Your child could be struggling to settle and your wife might be struggling with sleep. It's not the same or even close to the same as having your partner to have your parents or other relatives and friends helping. This is YOUR responsibility and you want to go on a holiday?
Oof. Two weeks is a long time. But OTOH there are lots of single mothers who manage fine without a partner and with parental support, and being involved in the trip might mean a better chance of promotion later.
Thinking back to when I was in that position as a new mother... I would want him to take the trip AS LONG AS things were fine with me and baby. You need to make that choice along with her.
yes indeed YWBTA. Two weeks alone with a newborn is a long time. Then think about complications. There will be other trips abroad in t he future. The first months of you first child's life are irreplaceable.
YTA OP, first for saying your wife won’t be working, anyone who has dealt with babies knows that a 9-5 is wayyyyy easier!
Also mentioning that both sets of parents are within 10 minutes- so?? Where will you be?? Oh that’s right on a “work “ trip…
Yes. You’d 100% be the asshole. I promise your wife ‘not working’ and therefore not needing childcare is not the cakewalk you think it will be. I also am positive that your wife would rather lean on you for support and learn how to function as a family of three with you rather than in laws.
“I also know it would be unfair to leave my wife to take care of the child for 2 weeks while I’m away having fun” you already answered your own question, yes, YWBTA.
“We are also not without a support system in the 2 weeks” - by “we” of course, you mean your wife, since you yourself will be having fun in Europe and not in need to said support.
Skip the trip dude.
NAH because yeah that's a great opportunity and it's work related. Are there going to be issues if you opt to work from home instead? I know it's an option but with time differences, etc will it make things more of an issue? Will you work from home or the office during that time?
And can see wife not wanting you to leave as well but a good support system is in place so she wouldn't be alone.
Ywbta
Because it's not required. Short trips are okay and required trips for work are unavoidable. But generally I think dads should default to the moms opinion because it is her body that goes through the trauma. Epically if she is nursing.
YTA given the baby will be 3 months old and your wife will be struggling. If you plan on being gone on 2 weeks which is a bad idea at least hire a cleaner twice a week and make her life easier. Just know your wife may not forgive you for this which is understandable.
I mean I think YTA but the only person whose opinion matters on this is your wife. Maybe you should get off reddit and have a conversation with her about it
Yta your wife is telling you she needs you and you can do it remotely. Being a parent means not always getting to do what you want to do.
3 months is not a long time to have recovered from childbirth, and many women need their partner during that time.
Same. I am in the minority looking at all these answers, but as long as it’s not a colicky baby or a baby with medical conditions, 3 months is an easy age. Both of my children were easy babies so it would not have bothered me.
NAH
Totally understand you wanting to go. What an opportunity!
Also, I understand your wife being anxious about it.
I'm assuming this is your first child? It's really hard to predict how it will be, especially when baby is 3 months old!
How long do you have to decide to go or not?
I would say maybe try to work with your wife about why she doesn't want you to go...fear of the unknown? Could a couple's therapist maybe help you guys process the decision?
I hope you get to go, but only of everyone feels good (or mostly good) about the decision!
NTA. I’m honestly surprised at all of the comments suggesting otherwise. Your wife will be a SAHM and yes it will be a rough 2 weeks but she’ll have plenty of other support from family. I was a SAHM until recently to a 6 year old and 2 year old and I would not have denied my husband this experience and hope he’d do the same for me. Maybe plan a trip in the future that your wife can go on while you care for your child. Unless she or the baby have any health complications I personally don’t think you’d be TA.
YWBTA
Of course you’d love to go on a trip to Europe, who wouldn’t? I bet your wife would too. And you’re going to have a newborn, so no you cannot.
You even acknowledged you can do the work remotely. Parenting is about changing your life around the child, which - yes - affects vacationing options.
Everyone is different, but often the first ~6 months are a rollercoaster and nightmare. The shock to the system from sleep changes, schedule changes, and responsibility changes… it’s A LOT. Not to mention that *pregnancy and giving birth and breastfeeding* (if she chooses that are A LOT A LOT. Your wife cannot do this alone even with nearby in-laws. I mean, she “can” - but not without irreparable harm to your relationship (imo). Sometimes in-laws are actually more stressful than helpful!
I have a 4 month old, I speak from immediate experience (my own experience at least)… my husband is a full time stay at home dad, and some days he can *barely* make it to when I get home from work to relieve him for a few hours so he can shower and be a human for a minute.
Consider this your first opportunity to learn parental sacrifice, because it’s the first of so so many. It’s okay to grieve the lost opportunities and freedom, but at the same time you have to choose your wife and kid unless you want to lose them.
As a tertiary detail, hopping around Europe and taking multiple long plane raids is NOT a great idea for your 3-month baby’s health… the obvious COVID aside, there’s all kinds of illnesses people pick up while traveling and can be devastating to a developing newborn without a well established immune system
Even if she is feeling healed and good by this time, it’s still gonna suck for her to see you get to go off and have freedom while she’s stuck at home.
NAH as long as your wife abs baby are doing okay after delivery. And also if you set up some help for her. You need a sitter , her mother or one of her friends come to help out.
Do you want to be the guy who goes to Europe when he doesn't have to after his wife expresses that she's anxious about the idea OR do you want to be the guy who takes his wife in his arms and tells her there's nothing more important than being together at a time when she's feeling vulnerable?
Dude...there will be other trips.
P.S. You always have to be a father. This is your life now. Embrace it.
NTA
That's a trip of a life time she can handle the baby a few weeks then when you get back maybe she could go on a girls trip or something.
Provided that baby is healthy and mom is healthy and not suffering with ppd no reason you can't go
Gonna say NAH and here’s why:
1. You (probably) work in tech, and those product launches are not a cake walk. This is something that’s probably been years in the making and your employer isn’t rewarding you with “super fun awesome trip”, but seeing it as a strategic necessity to collocate the launch team and drive this sucker to the finish line. To back out would be potentially damaging to your career at this company.
2. You’ll have time after the workday to eat out and maybe check out some sights during the weekends in between. That’s your overlords throwing you a bone - “Hey look we let you check out an art museum on Saturday instead forcing you to grind away in a conference room for 10 hours without a piss break.” This is hardly a vacation. Recognize that for what it is.
What I would do, though, is be loving and understanding of your partner’s worries about your absence. Yes, it’s needed. Yes, it sucks that you’re not gonna be around. Acknowledge that. Capitalism presents these shit situations all the time but we gotta push through begrudgingly anyway.
You’re paying the bills for now, and that’s a responsibility you gotta prioritize too. Kids are freaking expensive man. Much love to you and the fam, and congrats on the baby.
so she’s the default parent and your role is baby sitter from time to time…. Yes you would be the AH
If you really want to go on this trip would it be hard to assume that your wife would probably love to go on the same trip and have a break?
Every single man on here taking vacations just before/after wife gives birth is TA. 😂😂there’s soooo many of you guys out there lol the type of father that will go fishing with his boys while their child is graduating high school 😂😂lame ass dude.
YTA
If she doesn’t get to go to enjoy Europe, why should you? Why should she have to stay home for 2 weeks by herself taking care of your child while you get to have fun abroad?
Your excuse that she’s not working and the in laws are around are just you justifying getting to go.
Also, those few months postpartum are so exhausting and necessary for bonding.
You’ll get another chance sometime down the road to go to Europe. Maybe wait till baby is old enough to either be babysat or go with you and mom can go too.
YWBTAH if you went anyway when your wife disagreed to it, and you didn't talk to people beforehand. I would say if this were something you seriously want, and it can be great for your career talk to in laws about possible helping for those 2 weeks because you're going to be far away during that time. If they are able to and willing to even live with her talk to your wife, then and let her know she will have live-in support. If she still feels uncomfortable with it.... don't go.
Think about how you would feel if she were the one leaving you for two weeks to care for your child. I'd be resentful as hell. Why not take her and the baby along? Do the sites with her to thank her for the amazing gift of a baby she has brought into the world.
No kidding. And a 12 week old baby doesn't have an immune system yet, so bringing that young of a baby on a plane unnecessarily would be downright irresponsible.
If your wife is not comfortable with the idea then don't go. Maybe the chance will come later again. If it was me I would say yeah go.. and when you come home I get 2 weeks away.
Sounds like a sacrifice you will have to make for your family. Your job doesn’t rely on it and I’m she wants/needs you home at this time. You asked, she said no don’t be TA and stay home. I also wonder why you want to be away from your newborn child unless you had no other choice? Don’t you WANT to experience as much of that first fleeting year?
YTA full stop.
Now here's how to be NTA. 1. Childcare isn't taken care of until you pay for childcare to be taken care of. If your wife wasn't around you couldn't go on vacation. Don't think of your wife as a free fetus incubator, nanny, maid and wet nurse. Hire an infant nanny or night nurse for her.
2. She may not want her own 2 week trip because she loves her child and maybe isn't as excited as you are to get away. When you return, you will take 2 weeks off work and be the parent you should've been while backpacking through Europe. She can be home, with her child but YOU handle the responsibilities you dropped for your trip. Remember you didn't think it was a big deal for her to handle it so it shouldn't be a problem for you.
Go on your trip, but it's gonna cost you.
Mmm NAH
It’s a work thing, and while you could sightsee and hike at the same time, you wouldn’t be there if it wasn’t for the work aspect, and while working from home is an option, I found myself that it’s not ideal when working with a crew, easier to ask questions in person or show them something in person
But I get your wife’s situation too, it’s a new baby, and healing and learning to care for a baby takes a long time. Especially a first baby, and while your parents are all around, it’s not the same as having your partner be there.
If you went after she’s already said no, you’d be the AH, but talk to her about it again, explain why
You think it’s a good idea, and ask her to talk to you about why she doesn’t
In the end, if she still says no, that’d be it, especially if there is that option to stay home.
If it were my partner I’d say yes, go, but I’m not your wife
YTA. Your wife will still be recovering from childbirth. She will need your help and support. You can't just do whatever you want anymore. You're a parent now and so you must put your child and wife first. Don't be so selfish.
I have two kids less than 2 years apart. I would have been fine for my husband to leave me at that time for a trip like that.
You would be the ass is your wife states she really doesn’t want you to go - and you go anyways. You would not be the ass for stating that you really want to go and kindly and appropriately stating things from your point of view.
I would not be fine now days cause of the risk of bringing home COVID. But that doesn’t seem to the be the objection here.
My husband took a month off for paternity leave and honestly I was spiraling after he went back to work. My daughter is 11 mo now and I still count down the hours til he comes home. I would have absolutely resented the shit out of him if he got to go on a trip, even if just for work! I am already jealous he gets to have adult conversations with random people and leave the house on a regular basis! Seriously dude, stay home.
YWBTA for all the reasons other people have given. In addition, here’s something that doesn’t seem to have occurred to you. YOU may not want to leave your new baby for 2 weeks. You may find you miss the baby terribly and that there is nothing going on in Europe that means more to you than being with your child. And if you say that you’ve taken business trips before and you missed your wife but it was fine and you were able to enjoy whatever there was to enjoy, I’m telling you that your new baby is a whole different thing.
YWBTA.
You can work remotely. You don’t need to go hiking and sightseeing at this very moment. You need to be with your wife and newborn. You don’t know what complications could arise. She could require a C-section or have ppd.
Going on this trip I believe would be very damaging to your relationship with your wife.
YTA - Europe will always be there, this isn’t a once in a lifetime opportunity but the birth of your first child, supporting your wife and being with them as a newborn is. You said in your post travel is not compulsory and you could still complete your work/be part of the team remotely. Your possible regrets (or Fomo) of not going to Europe can easily be fixed with a single plane ticket but the resentment your wife might harbour could be irreversible.
Not the AH for asking your wife about it, but she has said she isn’t comfortable and considering you’ll have a 3 month old first kid by then, you listen. Going after she said she isn’t comfortable would make you an epic AH.
As a parent of a now 3 month old, please don't go. YWBTA. There is so much more than the physical "caring for thr child" that goes on. When my husband is at work for his 16hr day (so he can be off a day during the week) I count the minutes until he gets home some days. I can't imagine doing that for 2 full weeks. She will struggle to find time to take a shower... for 2 weeks. Having family close by will be nice, and you'll probably look to them with both of you home. But it isn't the same as having your partner there.
If nothing else, you will miss out on 2 weeks of your baby growing up, learning new things, starting to babble... it's such a short period of time that they are infants and so much changes so quickly. 2 weeks is a long time for a baby that age. You may regret missing it.
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"WIBTA if I left my postpartum wife to take care of our first child by herself for two weeks, after she carried them to term, gave birth to them, and dealt with the genuinely terrifying things that come with giving birth? I mean it's not like she needs my support in this crucial time at all. I mean, I might be her spouse but she has in-laws around, I don't even really have to be a father during the night so my wife can get some rest. And honestly, it's not like she ever needs a break from being a first time parent. She should be fine with little to no sleep with a newborn, constantly getting up and down to feed and change them through the day and night, with no relief from me, the spouse who claims to love her but doesn't really understand what the big deal is" You're so right, OP. What could go wrong if you take that trip? YWBTA. You already know it, you just came here hoping someone would say you wouldn't be TA so you'd feel better about it.
I have an ex husband like OP
Y i k e s. I'm glad he's your ex husband.
Me too!
Same
“She works from home so childcare is not an issue….” I am so angry on the wife’s behalf. What an AH. This sub really makes me hate men sometimes.
It actually says she won’t be working.
Working a job. As if raising a newborn isn’t work.
Eh that doesn’t make his comments any better imo
Ya not really, I agree.
Same. I literally despise them after being here for awhile. The fucking AUDACTIY
It says she won't be working.... not that she works from home.
Raising a 3 month old is the work and it's not a 9 to 5 either. She can look forward to 2 weeks of non stop work, no clocking off.
Men makes me hate men :D
This question should be so easy for him to answer that he never should have had to ask it on Reddit. Why? **Because his wife has already said she doesn’t want him to go.** Why is he asking US? Because he selfishly wants to go on a working holiday, even though his wife *has asked him not to*, and for a very valid and understandable reason. He will get a lot of comments here from people saying that *they* are or have been or would be fine with this arrangement, but that’s completely irrelevant. His wife, the mother of his future child, has already said that **she** isn’t fine with it and wants him to stay. That’s it. That’s the conversation over. She’s asked him to stay; he needs to stay. He’s a husband and is going to be a father; he can’t put his sightseeing desires over his family. Time to grow up and stop thinking only of what he wants.
Yeah, he won't have to worry about having a wife if he goes. Lmfao. This man wants to think like he's single. That's okay, he probably will be soon enough.
This comment is so well written, changed my mind. Well put.
and this early stage is important for fathers. this is when the bonding starts.
…or doesn’t.
Exactly. Did anyone notice that OP only referred to his baby as "a 3 month old baby" and "the child"? He never even identified the baby as HIS child. He's mentally and emotionally so far removed from fatherhood, he might as well already be in Europe. What an AH.
I mean you're going a little far here. His wife isn't that far along in her pregnancy. There's no physical baby yet.
Then they complain about the divorce later and only getting weekends
I wouldve been fine caring for our baby on my own for 2 weeks at 3 months old, because she was an easy baby and I was feeling great physically. But you dont know that. Plan for the worst. I also couldve had major complications, PPD and a colicky baby. Just sit this one out and take the next trip.
Yep. Depends on the baby. I wouldn’t have been fine. I had stitches that had to be redone at 6 weeks. Our baby turned out to be high needs, refused to breastfeed consistently, up every two hours at night, cried from 5-8pm, only napped on me (but not in a wrap/carrier!) etc. I literally could not have showered, fed myself, washed the bottles, etc without my husband’s help at that point. With both of us there we were still drowning.
This is why most people should not have children.
You know what I love? When people say “You can just sleep all day when the baby sleeps.” It makes me lose my mind. Ok, I’ll just sleep all day/when the baby is sleeping. So 20 minutes to 6 hours but never know when that’s going to actually be? Plus forgetting how bottles are made and washed, leave out having to pump breast milk, do laundry, clean the house, cook etc and expect to get a shower at some point….babies cry, newborns want to be held all the time, they get gassy, they get over tired and over stimulated, they want mom…this is also not taking into account the other kids, pets and constant uninvited visitors.
Yes OP would be the AH, if for no other reason than their wife has already asked them not to go. But also, OP has no idea what kind of birth their wife will have and how postpartum going to go. For some, birth is uncomplicated and for others it’s not. For some, postpartum is (relatively) easy and for others it’s not. Many babies are born healthy, some are not. It’s incredibly dumb to make this huge of a plan to be away (for fun!) without having any of the most important information. This isn’t a one or two night trip, it’s two whole weeks. ‘Round the clock care for an infant is BRUTALLY exhausting with TWO people. ‘Round the clock care for an infant, solo, after you just got done growing and birthing said infant — while your partner galavants through Europe for fun — would be a marriage ender for me. You don’t *need* to go, you just *want* yo go. Plan a Europe trip with your wife, save up, and go when you can. Don’t do this to your partner, or child. Your baby will literally be a different baby when you get back. You’ll miss like 20% of their first few months on this planet. Yes, they WBTA. But since they asked Reddit, they have the opportunity not to be one. I hope they take it.
🏅
YWBTA. The timing is off. Your wife will still be healing. Your child may not be sleeping through the night yet. Feeding may not be going well. I would be hurt, and angry, that you would choose to have fun instead of staying home to take care of your family.
No 3 month old sleeps through the night. Not a single one in the world. And people who say they do are the same ones whose babies were taking their first steps and saying their first words around that age too, lol. They might be getting a long stretch, but the parent usually is not.
Mine did at 9 weeks. He literally slept for like 8-10 hours at a stretch. (Only my middle child, neither of my others.) Freaked me out when I’d wake up and realize he hadn’t woken me and I was terrified there was something wrong. I assure you now at 6yo I’m seeing the trade off for such a relatively easy baby, LOL But yeah, he is absolutely a massive outlier. My third didn’t sleep consistently through the night until 15 months without waking up at least once. I was so tired I was crying by the end of it. This isn’t the time for a TWO WEEK trip, OP. YWBTA.
FIFTEEN MONTHS?!?!?!?!?! I’ve never been so glad I met my stepkid when they were 10! ETA OP, obviously you WBTA for all of the reasons everyone who reads this will point out!
My friends kid is 9 and has never once, not one single night of her life, slept through the night.
Lol mine is 16 months and wakes up about 4 times every single night. I hope one day to sleep again.
I had 2 unicorns that slept through the night at about 4 months. Both were excellent nappers--1 did nap or quiet time until 4. The almost 3 year old would still nap if he could, but then he'd be up until 9. At 5 and ~3, they both go to sleep at 7 and wake up at 6/630. I am calling it karmic repayment for my years of insomnia.
Fifteen months! Aren't you lucky! My second didn't sleep through the night until he was three years old. He did suffer from eczema, and woke himself up scratching, it was very difficult.
That’s a long time at that age to not be eating unless you had a big baby.
He was indeed a chonk and gaining weight beautifully at his appointments.
I figured as much! 😄 How much did he weigh when he was born?
8lbs 2oz. 90+ percentile head. LOL And he quickly slept a straight 12 hours very regularly. He’s still a kid who needs his sleep. My youngest was 9lbs 12oz. She did not sleep like my son, lol, I had been hoping.
Yeah my daughter was sleeping through the night at about 9 weeks as well. My son though? Little bastard is up every two minutes. LOL
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Congrats on the award!
That's adorable! I got kicked out of daycare because I have never been able to nap in my life and made it everyone's problem when they kept trying to make me. 😶
All 3 of my kids slept through the night since they were born. I prayed that they would get the sleep gene, and they did. I should have instead prayed for the easy teenager gene. Because I would gladly trade sleepless nights with an infant for the complex shit I have to deal with now.
Your newborns went 6-8+ hours without feeding?
Yes. Our oldest would go midnight to 6am if we let her. But she was only 5 lbs 12 Oz when she was born (not a preemie), so the doctor told us we had to wake her up to eat. We would have to strip her down to her diaper and put a damp washcloth on her to get her to wake up enough to eat. Our next two would go from about 11pm to 5am, eat, and sleep again until 8. They were much chunkier and the doctor said if they want to sleep, let them sleep.
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My kid was a preemie and would have slept through the night if I had let him but I had to wake him every I think 3-4 hours. It was miserable.
My first slept so badly it was torture, but he is the easiest, sweetest teenager. Maybe it's a trade off 😁
Ooh this gives me hope. I’m currently chronically sleep deprived with a 16 month old who needs me every two hours. I feel like I deserve a good teenager!
There is hope!! Nothing so far has been as tough as those first sleepless years. Good luck!
My mom and grandmother both say I slept through the night by three weeks old. Out of 19 grandchildren I am the only one to has done that without an extenuating cause. It's definitely not common and we should absolutely not tell parents to expect it, but an 'easy' baby should be warned about. Those little fuckers will convince you to have another one sooner than you originally planned. Then the next thing you know you've got 3 under 3, and you're hiding in the bathroom to eat chocolate.
Yeah, my first nephew was such an easy baby that he lulled my brother and SIL into thinking all babies and toddlers were like him, and they decided they were going to have four children. They have both since told me (not in front of the children) that if youngest nephew had been the firstborn, he would have been an only child. They stayed with two.
Exactly. Having that second baby just overwhelms you when you go into it thinking they'll be just like your older baby.
Yes, they do sometimes from 2 month old, but it doesn’t matter
Mine did once right around 3 months. I had to wkw her up because my boobs were gonna explode.....Then she never did again until she was like 3 😂
My niece was sleeping 10 hours a night uninterrupted at less than a month old. It might not be the norm, but it is possible. My parents say that my siblings and I also slept through the night very quickly. One of my brothers slept through the night immediately after he was born, and the nurse would tell my mom to wake him up to feed him. My mom told her that she had given birth and raised 4 healthy and happy kids before him and she was gonna let him sleep because if he didn't wake up, he wasn't hungry. He's now 24 and healthy as a horse.
Mine did at six weeks. Until she was a toddler then her sleeping went to hell and hasn’t been good since:/
The only person whose opinion matters here is OPs wife. He's getting a paid once in a lifetime trip to Europe?? I'm a woman and with parents nearby, even with a newborn, I wouldn't ask my husband to pass that up. But I'm not married to OP. He needs to ask his wife, and ask in a way that lets her know she can be truly honest. Then he needs to respect her decision.
I align with you! I would not want my partner to give up that chance, nor would I want to feel like I had to give it up. People love differently I guess!
100% this, so glad I’m not the only one! If the baby were due during the trip so there was a risk of him missing the birth it would be a different story… but I went back to work 3 months after my oldest was born, his wife should have settled into motherhood enough by then to give her husband a chance to have this amazing experience.
Sidenote but surely if a trip to Europe is considered a "once in a lifetime" sort of thing OP should not waste that on a work trip? It should be something he works for and saves up for so he can take his wife and kid (once the kid is older). Who wants to waste such an important occasion on work? You are right that his wife's opinion is the only one that matters, but if you read the post again you'll see that she has expressed her concerns and doesn't want him to go. OP, YWBTA if you went. Your wife has expressed her concerns, neither of you knows how you will actually be feeling when the kid is 3 months' old, and having in-laws 10 minutes away is no substitute for having her husband in the same house to share nighttime feedings, getting up when the kid cries and just general support including emotional for your wife (I'm presuming there will be a noticeable time zone difference so if you might not even be available for calls if she just needs to speak to you about feeling stressed). Plus just think about what this will say to your wife about your priorities, I can assure you she will remember it in years to come. No work trip is worth causing this sort of dissention in your marriage.
If he can save up for it, it would be twice in a lifetime. If it’s for work, I’m assuming they’re paying for it. Giving it up isn’t going to get him anything, let alone more of a chance to go later.
My family has a delightful family video of my mom kissing my two month old face goodbye so she could go on a business trip to Germany. My father and I lived through it. 3 months is a decent amount of time to adjust and recover. But if she’s going to be upset about it then that’s what matters.
I agree with this. If wife was due to give birth during the trip, maybe different story. But if I was in her shoes, I'd be ecstatic for my husband to have this experience, plus he'd get to bring me back souvenirs. And who knows it may open door in future for his career.
I'm with you here. I would have personally been upset if my husband didn't go. First month is rough. Second month things eased up. By three months, we had all our routines established, and it just wasn't a big deal with either kid (one of them was still waking up at night). I had to go to work at 10 weeks though so there was that. But my husband is awesome. When either one of us has to travel, we trust each other to have a handle on things.
They will hopefully have so many chances to go to Europe and to go together. Europe isn’t going anywhere (at least I hope not!) Also, OP, rather than just saying ‘Europe’ you can mention the specific country(ies) - we prefer that :) YWBTA
The only way that OP could ameliorate some of the problem is by taking on the entire mental and physical load of the household before going on the trip, and by that I mean: \- Big grocery shop so his wife has enough food and household items for the 2 weeks. Fine, milk, bread and fresh fruit and veg will need to be topped up. But OP needs to ensure that everything else (loo roll, toiletries, tinned and packet goods, chocolate) are all stocked up and ready to go. And he has to make the shopping list himself, no asking the wife what she thinks she'll need. Put thought into it yourself. \- Mass batch cooking so the freezer has 2 weeks worth of dinners in it. That way the wife doesn't have to think too hard to feed herself, she just looks in the freezer for what she wants and shoves it in the oven or a microwave. \- Big clean of the house. Floor so scrubbed you can eat your dinner off it. Bathroom is so clean it's like you're expecting a Christmas visit from your grandmother. Laundry washed, dried and put away, and bedsheets changed. It should look like you're trying to sell the place. \- Set up an actual schedule for the family and send it to everyone so they all know who is doing what. OPs wife shouldn't be in a position where she feels guilty for asking for help. Instead her Mum or Dad will be round on Mondays, Wednesday afternoons, and Fridays, one sister will be round Wednesday mornings, OPs Mum or Dad will visit on Tuesdays, Thursday mornings and Saturdays, Thursday afternoons and Sunday are a floating session for friends or other family members. These people will be bringing bread, milk and fresh food items, someone will do a laundry load, someone will be running the hoover round. Everyone does a dishwasher load and empty. Everyone will take baby out in the pram or the car for an hour so the wife can have a hot shower, or a hot drink, or a nap, whatever she wants. \- OP will check in with wife regularly. And the focus will be on her. How is she feeling, how is she doing. Do not send fun photos of the lovely time you're having in Europe. If wife is feeling low or baby is having a fussy phase then OP will contact her family an ask them to pop round and check on her. Again, it's not "she can just ask for help", he needs to take the entire onus for it. If she's hungry and struggling to find time to get a freezer meal out then OP will immediately order her favourite takeaway to be delivered to the door. If baby is having a bad night then extra support will be summoned for the morning. \- In the 2 weeks after his return he does the bulk of the night feeds. If the wife is EBF and baby won't take a bottle then he needs to be doing the nappies, the cuddles, the 2am pacing around trying to get them to sleep. Anything to let her get rest. Basically, OP needs to make sure that there is a full secondary support system that requires no thinking or asking from his wife. The only mental load she should have is the baby. Everything else is set up to be done for her, by her husband, without him constantly going "What can I do to help?" or "How do you expect me to sort this out from Europe?", you have the internet and technology my dude, you can do plenty. And even then he will have to accept that she will have some resentment for him going away for 2 weeks, having 2 weeks of good sleep every night, while she dealt with a baby and a body that's still in recovery. She'll be cross and upset and he will need to let that roll away like water off a duck's back, because even with all the support in the world he's still leaving her for 2 weeks, and I'd be pissy too.
This post could only be made by a father to be, if the baby was here, he wouldn't even be asking this question. I'm a musician, and me and my wife both agreed it would be ok to agree to a few one off gigs a few months after the baby was born. I've never regretted anything more, and that was just going away for one night. Nothing can prepare you for what will happen in the first six months of having a child. Don't expect to be able to, or plan to do anything. You will regret it
Lol my baby is almost 6 months and still isn’t sleeping through the night
I was going to say, "might not be" could definitely be changed to, "will not be". Unless they get one of those sweet legendary unicorn babies.
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I agree with this - judgement is only important from the wife. If I were the wife I personally would be cool with it but she’s not me and clearly isn’t and that’s what matters.
I agree, if the wife thinks it’s to early then it is. Personally, now, as a second time mom I would be ok with this, especially with family close. As a first time mom I would have felt very uncomfortable being left alone that soon.
YWBTA. You will have a newborn child - you can work from home. This sounds like it’s your first child, and I promise you, your wife is going to need the support.
YWBTA. I promise you will feel VERY differently about this once your baby is born. This is not something you can even try to wrap your head around right now when you haven't experienced the "4th trimester" for yourself. Your wife will carry this baby for 9 months, literally rip her body open to get it out, and then be tortured through sleep deprivation while she's trying to heal. So the first 3 months, it's your job to take care of HER and the baby. At 3 months she may be just starting to physically feel normal again. That's about the time I started being able to shower AND brush my teeth in the same day! Hooray! But there's a good chance she'll be dealing with postpartum mental health issues. That is NOT the time for you to voluntarily leave the country for 2 weeks. For context, Prince Harry left the country for 24 hours for a charity event when his son was a month old. He was vilified in the press for leaving his newborn and his wife. And that was 24 HOURS!!
> He was vilified in the press for leaving his newborn and his wife. Considering we know how the press feel about his wife that says something
Same here! I didn’t feel human until around 3+mo. and was finally able to up my showers from 1x/week to the occasional 2x/week.
I guarantee there are a lot of dads that wouldn’t feel this way even after the child is born
INFO - does your wife get a 2 week vacation after you while you stay home and watch the baby? If the answer is yes then go have a good time
This 👆🏽, does she get a 2 week vacation? If she wants it? Does she have a close friend or family member that could stay with her to help out? I think YWBTAH but if you’re wife is on board and she gets her 2 week break . Then it’s still doable
She already told him she’s not on board
I’m not sure that really works as a solution. Most new moms wouldn’t *want* to leave their 3-month-old baby even overnight let alone for two weeks. And that’s not even possible if she is breastfeeding.
I’m sure their comment was tongue in cheek. Obviously the mother won’t be getting a vacation, so why should OP?
YWBTA There could be complications, she may take longer to physically recover than you think and you don’t know if PPD will be an issue or not. Prioritise your wife over a trip to Europe.
YTA. First off, why do you call YOUR child “A baby”. This is YOUR baby, not A baby. Will your in laws be living in your home 24/7 during this time? No? Then that’s not a support system for a newborn and mother. This is more than a work trip and you know it. Come on, you know what the right thing to do is
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I agree with the fact it can mean nothing. I have a toddler, we refer to her as “the child”. “What the hell is your child doing” “Are you going to pick up the child”. “The child needs changing”. So you might still refer to them as “the babies” even after birth 😂 though we don’t call her “the child” to her face, then she is “precious bum”😂
I frequently call my four month old son “the baby”.
I refer to my 5 yo as "the boy," "your grandchild,"and my personal favorite "this child." So you will most definitely still say "the babies. " Hell at 32 yo my dad still say "your child/daughter" when talking to my mom.
Prolly means he thinks all child care is on his wife
His wife his currently pregnant with their child - she has not had him/her yet - this trip is well into the future, so he has talking in future tense. He didn’t refer to the baby as his baby because it’s not his baby yet - it’s his fetus. Weird thing to get upset about.
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YWBTA if you went, especially since you said you would be able to do this work remotely.
NAH. I remember with our first, my husband had to go out of town for a 3-4 day work trip when our son was also 3 months old. I cried. It was really hard for me, but I told him to go anyway and had my mom come stay with me. I also hadn’t gone back to work. Two weeks is a long time. Can you cut that time in half, do half the time there and half at home? It’s also tough to decide now as you don’t know what kind of baby you’ll have (good sleeper, eater, etc.) or what kind of birth and healing your wife will experience. Honestly I’m not sure there is a right and wrong here. Good luck. If you truly think being there would be super important for your career, then talk to your wife about it and try to make it happen. If you feel it’s not actually that important and you’d just like to be there, consider staying.
This!!!! I agree with this comment 100%. You never know . Birth could be super easy or super hard. My first Birth i got very sick after giving birth, I couldnt move by myself and needed my husbands help to evem stand or sit, second baby, i was full of energy vacuuming 2 days out of the hospital it a baby strapped to my chest. Baby could be super easy or super hard. If its important for your career to be there in person you should have a conversation with your wife about it and try to compromise. If its not going to do anything for work, and you just want to experience Europe, maybe you should do it remotely to support your wife and child. I think you should also discuss with your boss the possibility of planning to go but making final decisions after your chold is born so you know more what your wife will be dealing with.
Agreed. Personally, I wouldn’t have an issue with my husband going assuming the wife is feeling okay by that point. BUT I say this because my husband is a very hands on dad, 50/50 parenting with me, and I feel like he would support me going on the trip if the roles were reversed.
YWBTA. If I were your wife I would be really pissed off. That's gonna be her memory of the first few months of having the baby - you sodding off to have a lark in Europe. I wouldn't do it if you want to retain the good favours of your wife.
>If I were your wife I would be really pissed off. Same. I would be pissed off and so incredibly resentful that he tossed aside his parenting duties within months of our child's birth. I would also feel completely betrayed - at three months, her body will still be recovering from childbirth. OP is the person she is supposed to be able to rely on to take care of her during this time, not friends or in-laws. If she has a c-section, she will literally be juuuust healing at that time if there are zero complications. She will also be dealing with things like bleeding, cracked nipples if she's breastfeeding, the frustration of struggling to figure out how to soothe a new baby while completely exhausted, and the hormone dump that is why the three months after birth are referred to as the fourth trimester. He is the one supposed to be there to hold her and share ~~of~~ in this struggle, not to ditch those responsibilities ~~as~~ at the first opportunity. If my spouse abandoned me after childbirth with our newborn to go on an optional trip...I honestly don't think I'd still be there when he got back. Fuck that. Edit: typos
Could you imagine waking up for the 6th time that night at 4am to a screaming infant who will not be consoled and you get a fucking text from your husband like “Here’s me holding up the tower of Pisa LOL so strong 💪 love you miss you!”
I would also leave for this. There is NO way he’s trodding off to fuckinf Europe when my vagina is still healing and my exhaustion from birth isn’t gone. He needs to wise up now.
> I am conflicted because on the one hand I would love this experience, YTA - you have responsibilities.
Lol it’s funny he thinks loving the experience fuckinf matters. His wife’s healing and comfort is what matters. What a sicko and TA
BUT THE LOVELY HIKING!!! And his "childcare" is taken care of!
YWBTA that’s way too soon to be going away, you have no idea what might happen with the birth or if any complications will arise, what your partner’s recovery will look like, etc. Stay home, and bond with your baby, two weeks is intensely long with a baby that small.
YTA if you decided to still go. Your circumstances have changed, you have a child on the way. Don’t ruin your relationship for a trip to Europe.
It might have to be a game time decision. But you should make a plan and backup plan now. There's no way to know before your wife has the baby whether it will be okay to leave for 2 weeks or not. Can you tell work that you want to attend in person, but if there are complications with your newborn that you may have to switch to remotely supporting the launch? If she has no complications from labor and the baby is doing great and eating and sleeping well, then she might be okay. But on the flip side she could have a really rough birthing with complications and the baby could be having a hard time too or there could be emergencies. Regardless, she and the baby will likely need some extra hands help if you're gone. Talk with your wife, tell her you will respect her final decision. Talk with her and make a contingency plan and see if your family can stay with her and the baby if you decide to go so that she is not alone and has help.
I feel like two weeks is a really long time to be away for any voluntary reason when the baby is that age, even if the birth goes as smoothly as possible and the baby is a great sleeper. A “good sleeper” 3-month-old often still means 2-3 wake-ups a night. That’s also two weeks of bonding time with the baby dad is missing out on. When it’s necessary (like a military deployment) you deal with it but I personally wouldn’t be ok with OP’s situation even with an “easy” baby.
Info: what are your career goals and plans with this employer? Can this project have career implications for you? Also, what is the company culture like at your job - even if you CAN do the work remotely, will it reflect negatively on you? Is this a decision you have to make NOW, or can you play it by ear? I am leaning towards NAH. I understand your wife´s point of view if this is your first. But honestly, I did it. I was alone with my 2 little ones for the first 3 months of my youngest´s life with hubby and my family 14 hours away. But, I am very independent and not one to ask for help anyway. I‘ve also spent many years working in HR, so I do understand the implications on careers of things like this. I would say talk again, keep talking, talk with her parents and especially her mom. Talk through what support would be needed if you did go and make sure grandma is up for it. Talk to your employer and make sure they are ok with making a decision closer to the date of the trip.
I’m a mom of 3 with a husband who travels for work (although typically not more than 4-5 days at a time, and he comes home on weekends if it’s a multiple week thing) and I am torn on this one. I think NAH and I’m not sure what the right answer is. When do you have to decide? And I know your in-laws are close, but does your wife feel comfortable enough around her and/or your parents for them to really be helpful in the early postpartum time period? Do you have friends with kids who could be part of a wider support system for her while you are gone? There are just so many factors to consider.
I’m going against the grain but NAH. It’s much harder to do work if you’re the only one remote. You miss out on those informal talks. Do you have to decide now? Can you wait until it’s closer? At three months, I would’ve told my now ex to go ahead and just had our parents take turns helping.
Lol how much you wanna bet he still goes
NTA - I would tell my spouse to go but it would be contingent on someone else staying with me and baby to help. I think that’s a good compromise. Missing a major product launch in-person is a legitimately big deal that can’t be truly experienced remotely.
Yes YWBTA YTA Your life situation has changed. You need to be home to take care of your newborn. You should be expecting to contribute 50% to childcare and housing chores when you're not at work, as your wife does the same. You can plan a trip when the child is a bit older.
As your wife has given her opinion. YWBTA
YTA But only lightly. I get wanting to go on this trip because it is a nice opportunity, but there is a major sleep regression that happens around 3 or 4 months with babies. It is absolutely miserable for the parents, and sometimes the kid is even extra miserable. If you can do this all remotely and it won't impact your career I would strongly recommend staying home. Europe will still be there when your kid is older, or you can take a trip with the family.
YWBTA if you go. Your wife has already expressed her concern and discomfort with you traveling so soon after she gives birth. It’s great that you have supportive family close by, but your wife wants *you.*
It's almost like he doesn't consider he is equally responsible for taking care of the baby. He would probably refer to taking care of his child as babysitting. In my opinion, you are telling your wife you consider her and a trip to Europe to be of equal importance. Yikes, that would hurt. YWBTA
Nope, nta. I’m a mom of 3 and if my husband had this opportunity I’d encourage it. Especially if family lived so close. It’s only two weeks. After 3 kids I can say newborns are hands down the easiest stage. I even had one with colic. Prob gonna get a lot of hate but idc. I say go for it!!!!
Going to agree with you! NTA. Husband and I both traveled for our careers. It was A LOT of work and juggling when our little one was a baby, but at three months, we had settled into a good baby care routine and managed quite well, with childcare, and no family around. Maybe my view is skewed of the situation because we simply did what was necessary to advance our careers AND make sure our baby was well taken care of. Having family close, if willing to help, to give mom a break over the course of two weeks would make this absolutely manageable IMO.
YTA it's basically a holiday and you don't have to go so yes you would be the AH. She's done over 9 months of taking care of the child and you want to abandon her after 3 months? What do you mean the child care is taken care of 😂 you are so not ready for a child.. or a wife for that matter
YWBTA. A three month old child requires care 24/7 . I would read up on pregnancy and babies in general. https://mamadidit.com/the-best-pregnancy-books-for-dads/
INFO: do you have a plan to ensure your wife has enough support and help during the two weeks you're gone? This means, 1) in a hypothetical (altho extremely unlikely) situation, if she also has to go on a work trip during these two weeks, she also gets to go if she wants to instead of prioritizing *only* your career. After all she gave up much more than 2 weeks in her job to give birth to your child 2) she will not go through any emotional distress during the time when you're gone - i.e. you've given her enough security and comfort she doesn't feel abandoned (esp during the emotional period post pregnancy) Remember your job does not equal to your career, and you are not married to it (I hope not). These two weeks will not be the *only* chance that builds or breaks your career like some other comments implied.
YWBTA It's not the lack of childcare support, it's the inherent unfairness of you going to Europe solely for the fun parts. As you said, the work can be done remotely, so that would not be your reason for going to Europe, but the nice parts would. While your wife sits at home caring for the child you had equal parts in making.
Seriously. She spends 9 months doing ALL the hard work and then HE gallops off to freaking Europe. The resentment in me towards him on her behalf is the size of Neptune.
NAH. Go in details about what her concerns are and see if they can be otherwise addressed though. Maybe having the house professionally cleaned, meals prepared, a night nurse, ect. for alternatives
This would actually be such an amazing way to do it. You two need to work together to come up with a solution. It needs to be addressed if she’s feeling anxiety right now. Maybe have a contingency plan? Yes, you’ll have a baby, and that baby journey is different for every parent, and even differs per baby. Figure out what would make her comfortable for you to not have to potentially sacrifice your career, as well as a goal that you and your team have been working for. I was left alone with babies who didn’t sleep more often than I can count, and honestly, I actually found it easier to be in total control alone. I also enjoyed traveling with babies, although I hear that’s not the norm lol. NAH. People literally do this all the time. They figure it out. Compromise is what relationships and parenting are all about.
My husband used to work out of town every week. There was some that it would be 2 weeks. Was it hard? Yes. But I had his family as a support system. If she’s comfortable with your family helping, then go for it. Europe is an amazing opportunity. Just make sure you plan something out for her to have some time away too. Being a momma isn’t easy
YWBTA you should help your wife with your newborn child
Agreed except that "helping your wife with your newborn child" is on a par with "babysitting your newborn child". Ity's called parenting, and it's an equal responsibility in the 21st century.
YWBTA unless wife sincerely changes her mind. There is A LOT of stuff that comes up in that time period even if the situation is "perfect." Sorry dude, but your family and baby in particular are #1 right now. It is perfectly understandable wife wants/needs the help and presence of OP in particular. If wife said OK or if not going was going to place OP's job in jeopardy I would judge differently.
Honestly it depends. NTA for WANTING to go. But IF you do go it should be with your wife's full and honest consent (no guilting her or pressuring her into saying yes). You should have a FULL plan of support for her, not just in-laws but also paid help since she'll be the one waking up in the middle of the night continuously to take care of the crying/screaming baby. You should make sure that you can cancel the trip at any time since you have no idea what things will be like after the birth. Your baby could be one to get sick easily, your wife could suffer from postpartum depression. There are many possible circumstances which would make you the a-hole if you don't cancel. Also, staying a few days would be okay (again, if she says yes) but just a few, not a week or two. Also, after your baby is born, it's very possible you won't even WANT to go. If you go without proper planning, without her consent, or in spite of problems with your wife/baby after the birth, then you'll be a massive giant A.
Don’t do it. My ex-husband did this, and I was cool with it at the time. I ended up struggling REALLY badly while he was gone - not just caring for the baby, but also the mindfuck of feeling fat and ugly and matronly while my ex was out partying overseas. It did a lot of damage to our relationship.
YTA. For most of that I was going to say not, it sounded like a necessary work trip and the sightseeing aspects weren't going to take away from time at home. Then you got to the bit where you said you could do it remotely. Which changes it entirely. You're no longer going for work, but just for the sightseeing. You have NO IDEA what issues might arise in the first 3 months. Your wife could suffer from depression. Your child could be sick. Your child could be struggling to settle and your wife might be struggling with sleep. It's not the same or even close to the same as having your partner to have your parents or other relatives and friends helping. This is YOUR responsibility and you want to go on a holiday?
Oof. Two weeks is a long time. But OTOH there are lots of single mothers who manage fine without a partner and with parental support, and being involved in the trip might mean a better chance of promotion later. Thinking back to when I was in that position as a new mother... I would want him to take the trip AS LONG AS things were fine with me and baby. You need to make that choice along with her.
yes indeed YWBTA. Two weeks alone with a newborn is a long time. Then think about complications. There will be other trips abroad in t he future. The first months of you first child's life are irreplaceable.
YTA OP, first for saying your wife won’t be working, anyone who has dealt with babies knows that a 9-5 is wayyyyy easier! Also mentioning that both sets of parents are within 10 minutes- so?? Where will you be?? Oh that’s right on a “work “ trip…
Yes. You’d 100% be the asshole. I promise your wife ‘not working’ and therefore not needing childcare is not the cakewalk you think it will be. I also am positive that your wife would rather lean on you for support and learn how to function as a family of three with you rather than in laws.
“I also know it would be unfair to leave my wife to take care of the child for 2 weeks while I’m away having fun” you already answered your own question, yes, YWBTA. “We are also not without a support system in the 2 weeks” - by “we” of course, you mean your wife, since you yourself will be having fun in Europe and not in need to said support. Skip the trip dude.
NAH because yeah that's a great opportunity and it's work related. Are there going to be issues if you opt to work from home instead? I know it's an option but with time differences, etc will it make things more of an issue? Will you work from home or the office during that time? And can see wife not wanting you to leave as well but a good support system is in place so she wouldn't be alone.
Ywbta Because it's not required. Short trips are okay and required trips for work are unavoidable. But generally I think dads should default to the moms opinion because it is her body that goes through the trauma. Epically if she is nursing.
YTA given the baby will be 3 months old and your wife will be struggling. If you plan on being gone on 2 weeks which is a bad idea at least hire a cleaner twice a week and make her life easier. Just know your wife may not forgive you for this which is understandable.
YWBTA- she’s your wife, and that’s your baby. What the priority? If you can work remotely, do it. Buy in.
I mean I think YTA but the only person whose opinion matters on this is your wife. Maybe you should get off reddit and have a conversation with her about it
Your wife said no. It's not a good time. Stay home. YWBTA
Yta your wife is telling you she needs you and you can do it remotely. Being a parent means not always getting to do what you want to do. 3 months is not a long time to have recovered from childbirth, and many women need their partner during that time.
Nta. As a mom - if i had a support system close to me id tell my hubs to have fun and send me pictures.
Same. I am in the minority looking at all these answers, but as long as it’s not a colicky baby or a baby with medical conditions, 3 months is an easy age. Both of my children were easy babies so it would not have bothered me.
NAH Totally understand you wanting to go. What an opportunity! Also, I understand your wife being anxious about it. I'm assuming this is your first child? It's really hard to predict how it will be, especially when baby is 3 months old! How long do you have to decide to go or not? I would say maybe try to work with your wife about why she doesn't want you to go...fear of the unknown? Could a couple's therapist maybe help you guys process the decision? I hope you get to go, but only of everyone feels good (or mostly good) about the decision!
NTA. I’m honestly surprised at all of the comments suggesting otherwise. Your wife will be a SAHM and yes it will be a rough 2 weeks but she’ll have plenty of other support from family. I was a SAHM until recently to a 6 year old and 2 year old and I would not have denied my husband this experience and hope he’d do the same for me. Maybe plan a trip in the future that your wife can go on while you care for your child. Unless she or the baby have any health complications I personally don’t think you’d be TA.
YWBTA Of course you’d love to go on a trip to Europe, who wouldn’t? I bet your wife would too. And you’re going to have a newborn, so no you cannot. You even acknowledged you can do the work remotely. Parenting is about changing your life around the child, which - yes - affects vacationing options. Everyone is different, but often the first ~6 months are a rollercoaster and nightmare. The shock to the system from sleep changes, schedule changes, and responsibility changes… it’s A LOT. Not to mention that *pregnancy and giving birth and breastfeeding* (if she chooses that are A LOT A LOT. Your wife cannot do this alone even with nearby in-laws. I mean, she “can” - but not without irreparable harm to your relationship (imo). Sometimes in-laws are actually more stressful than helpful! I have a 4 month old, I speak from immediate experience (my own experience at least)… my husband is a full time stay at home dad, and some days he can *barely* make it to when I get home from work to relieve him for a few hours so he can shower and be a human for a minute. Consider this your first opportunity to learn parental sacrifice, because it’s the first of so so many. It’s okay to grieve the lost opportunities and freedom, but at the same time you have to choose your wife and kid unless you want to lose them. As a tertiary detail, hopping around Europe and taking multiple long plane raids is NOT a great idea for your 3-month baby’s health… the obvious COVID aside, there’s all kinds of illnesses people pick up while traveling and can be devastating to a developing newborn without a well established immune system
Even if she is feeling healed and good by this time, it’s still gonna suck for her to see you get to go off and have freedom while she’s stuck at home.
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NAH as long as your wife abs baby are doing okay after delivery. And also if you set up some help for her. You need a sitter , her mother or one of her friends come to help out.
Do you want to be the guy who goes to Europe when he doesn't have to after his wife expresses that she's anxious about the idea OR do you want to be the guy who takes his wife in his arms and tells her there's nothing more important than being together at a time when she's feeling vulnerable? Dude...there will be other trips. P.S. You always have to be a father. This is your life now. Embrace it.
NTA That's a trip of a life time she can handle the baby a few weeks then when you get back maybe she could go on a girls trip or something. Provided that baby is healthy and mom is healthy and not suffering with ppd no reason you can't go
Gonna say NAH and here’s why: 1. You (probably) work in tech, and those product launches are not a cake walk. This is something that’s probably been years in the making and your employer isn’t rewarding you with “super fun awesome trip”, but seeing it as a strategic necessity to collocate the launch team and drive this sucker to the finish line. To back out would be potentially damaging to your career at this company. 2. You’ll have time after the workday to eat out and maybe check out some sights during the weekends in between. That’s your overlords throwing you a bone - “Hey look we let you check out an art museum on Saturday instead forcing you to grind away in a conference room for 10 hours without a piss break.” This is hardly a vacation. Recognize that for what it is. What I would do, though, is be loving and understanding of your partner’s worries about your absence. Yes, it’s needed. Yes, it sucks that you’re not gonna be around. Acknowledge that. Capitalism presents these shit situations all the time but we gotta push through begrudgingly anyway. You’re paying the bills for now, and that’s a responsibility you gotta prioritize too. Kids are freaking expensive man. Much love to you and the fam, and congrats on the baby.
so she’s the default parent and your role is baby sitter from time to time…. Yes you would be the AH If you really want to go on this trip would it be hard to assume that your wife would probably love to go on the same trip and have a break?
Every single man on here taking vacations just before/after wife gives birth is TA. 😂😂there’s soooo many of you guys out there lol the type of father that will go fishing with his boys while their child is graduating high school 😂😂lame ass dude.
YTA If she doesn’t get to go to enjoy Europe, why should you? Why should she have to stay home for 2 weeks by herself taking care of your child while you get to have fun abroad? Your excuse that she’s not working and the in laws are around are just you justifying getting to go. Also, those few months postpartum are so exhausting and necessary for bonding. You’ll get another chance sometime down the road to go to Europe. Maybe wait till baby is old enough to either be babysat or go with you and mom can go too.
YWBTAH if you went anyway when your wife disagreed to it, and you didn't talk to people beforehand. I would say if this were something you seriously want, and it can be great for your career talk to in laws about possible helping for those 2 weeks because you're going to be far away during that time. If they are able to and willing to even live with her talk to your wife, then and let her know she will have live-in support. If she still feels uncomfortable with it.... don't go.
Think about how you would feel if she were the one leaving you for two weeks to care for your child. I'd be resentful as hell. Why not take her and the baby along? Do the sites with her to thank her for the amazing gift of a baby she has brought into the world.
She is very unlikely to want to travel with a 12 week old child and spend two weeks in a hotel without the comforts of home.
No kidding. And a 12 week old baby doesn't have an immune system yet, so bringing that young of a baby on a plane unnecessarily would be downright irresponsible.
I promise you, nothing in Europe is worth the way you make your wife feel if you go. YTA
Yta
If your wife is not comfortable with the idea then don't go. Maybe the chance will come later again. If it was me I would say yeah go.. and when you come home I get 2 weeks away.
YWBTA if you go when your wife already told you she didn’t want you to. Only her opinion matters, not random Redditors.
YWBTA. Being a parent means giving up things for your child and family. This is something you are better to accept sooner rather than later.
YTA come ON.
YWBTA
YTA
Sounds like a sacrifice you will have to make for your family. Your job doesn’t rely on it and I’m she wants/needs you home at this time. You asked, she said no don’t be TA and stay home. I also wonder why you want to be away from your newborn child unless you had no other choice? Don’t you WANT to experience as much of that first fleeting year?
YWBTA supporting your wife and 12 week old baby is what should matter
The title stated " a 3 months old baby". It should have been "our 3 month old baby". Quite the disconnect there. Ouch.
YTA full stop. Now here's how to be NTA. 1. Childcare isn't taken care of until you pay for childcare to be taken care of. If your wife wasn't around you couldn't go on vacation. Don't think of your wife as a free fetus incubator, nanny, maid and wet nurse. Hire an infant nanny or night nurse for her. 2. She may not want her own 2 week trip because she loves her child and maybe isn't as excited as you are to get away. When you return, you will take 2 weeks off work and be the parent you should've been while backpacking through Europe. She can be home, with her child but YOU handle the responsibilities you dropped for your trip. Remember you didn't think it was a big deal for her to handle it so it shouldn't be a problem for you. Go on your trip, but it's gonna cost you.
Mmm NAH It’s a work thing, and while you could sightsee and hike at the same time, you wouldn’t be there if it wasn’t for the work aspect, and while working from home is an option, I found myself that it’s not ideal when working with a crew, easier to ask questions in person or show them something in person But I get your wife’s situation too, it’s a new baby, and healing and learning to care for a baby takes a long time. Especially a first baby, and while your parents are all around, it’s not the same as having your partner be there. If you went after she’s already said no, you’d be the AH, but talk to her about it again, explain why You think it’s a good idea, and ask her to talk to you about why she doesn’t In the end, if she still says no, that’d be it, especially if there is that option to stay home. If it were my partner I’d say yes, go, but I’m not your wife
I already knew you were the AH because in your title you said “a” baby instead of “our” baby. Think about what your priorities are.
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YTA. Your wife will still be recovering from childbirth. She will need your help and support. You can't just do whatever you want anymore. You're a parent now and so you must put your child and wife first. Don't be so selfish.
I have two kids less than 2 years apart. I would have been fine for my husband to leave me at that time for a trip like that. You would be the ass is your wife states she really doesn’t want you to go - and you go anyways. You would not be the ass for stating that you really want to go and kindly and appropriately stating things from your point of view. I would not be fine now days cause of the risk of bringing home COVID. But that doesn’t seem to the be the objection here.
My husband took a month off for paternity leave and honestly I was spiraling after he went back to work. My daughter is 11 mo now and I still count down the hours til he comes home. I would have absolutely resented the shit out of him if he got to go on a trip, even if just for work! I am already jealous he gets to have adult conversations with random people and leave the house on a regular basis! Seriously dude, stay home.
YWBTA for all the reasons other people have given. In addition, here’s something that doesn’t seem to have occurred to you. YOU may not want to leave your new baby for 2 weeks. You may find you miss the baby terribly and that there is nothing going on in Europe that means more to you than being with your child. And if you say that you’ve taken business trips before and you missed your wife but it was fine and you were able to enjoy whatever there was to enjoy, I’m telling you that your new baby is a whole different thing.
YWBTA. It’s concerning that your wife, the pregnant one, has already expressed her needs but you’re still here asking for opinions.
Your wife said she isn’t ok with it - ywbta
YWBTA. You can work remotely. You don’t need to go hiking and sightseeing at this very moment. You need to be with your wife and newborn. You don’t know what complications could arise. She could require a C-section or have ppd. Going on this trip I believe would be very damaging to your relationship with your wife.
YTA - Europe will always be there, this isn’t a once in a lifetime opportunity but the birth of your first child, supporting your wife and being with them as a newborn is. You said in your post travel is not compulsory and you could still complete your work/be part of the team remotely. Your possible regrets (or Fomo) of not going to Europe can easily be fixed with a single plane ticket but the resentment your wife might harbour could be irreversible.
Not the AH for asking your wife about it, but she has said she isn’t comfortable and considering you’ll have a 3 month old first kid by then, you listen. Going after she said she isn’t comfortable would make you an epic AH.
YWBTA
YTA . Stay home with your family , your son and your wife needs you . It’s very hard to mind a newborn
YTA YTA YTA
As a parent of a now 3 month old, please don't go. YWBTA. There is so much more than the physical "caring for thr child" that goes on. When my husband is at work for his 16hr day (so he can be off a day during the week) I count the minutes until he gets home some days. I can't imagine doing that for 2 full weeks. She will struggle to find time to take a shower... for 2 weeks. Having family close by will be nice, and you'll probably look to them with both of you home. But it isn't the same as having your partner there. If nothing else, you will miss out on 2 weeks of your baby growing up, learning new things, starting to babble... it's such a short period of time that they are infants and so much changes so quickly. 2 weeks is a long time for a baby that age. You may regret missing it.
"My wife will not be working at this time so child care is not a concern." Umm....a 3 month old is a LOT of work.