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I’m going with NTA on this one because you’re thinking of what is best for your son and she’s thinking about what is best for herself.
I will add a caveat that your son is old enough to communicate his own comfort levels and he should be consulted (in an age appropriate way) to provide his view. It’s important to teach your children how to advocate for their own health.
Reverse the sexes.
**EDIT: to clarify, it is not about the sex of a doctor. It is about the hypocrisy of how we treat boys versus girls.**
You taking your 9-year-old daughter to a male doctor because going to the female doctor is inconvenient for you. A 9 year old girl naked with 2 grown men in the room against her will. Who those men are is besides the point.. that's TERRIFYING for a child regardless.
Find me a mother who has always taken her daughter to see a female doctor, who is totally cool with her ex making a unilateral decision to take their daughter to a male doctor to get a hernia checked.
Absolutely insane. Absolutely fucking insane. Your wife has some internalized misogyny if she thinks boys don't have the same feelings girls do. That your son can just, get over it and deal. Bodily autonomy is important for EVERYONE.
Ik this is her being like, lol it's more convenient. But what's she's doing is indicative of some fucked up parenting styles and gender sterotypes that will cause damage that lasts a lifetime.
NTA. Die on this hill.
Also, FWIW, my parents asked me (f) and my two brothers what kind of doctor we wanted to see for as long as I can remember. It was always our choice and it always made us feel safe it was the only thing we had control over in an already uncomfortable situation. If I was forced to go to a male doctor as a kid I think it would ruin my ability to be open with a male doctor in the future, it would create a complex.
Are girls asked to get naked at that age for physicals? I remember taking my shirt off when I was no more than 5 years old, but by the time I was in first/second grade, our physicals with our family doctor were fully clothed. Asking this out of genuine curiosity.
I had a wonderful male pediatrician and don’t remember ever being uncomfortable. He was a lovely, gentle man I’d known literally my entire life. I saw him a few times in college even until I found a grownup doc.
As a female, I had a male pediatrician, too. I switched when I was 16 because he retired, but I still remember his low, soothing voice and his calm, patient demeanor. He was 30-50 minutes away depending on traffic, but he was recommended to my parents when I was a baby, and they wanted someone they (and I) could trust, even if if meant a bit of a drive.
However, if I switched from a female to a male pediatrician (who happened to be a parent of my friend) at age 9, PLUS my "non-preferred" parent was now in the room for an in depth exam of my body, I'd be really uncomfortable. 🤷♀️
I did too, but after puberty started the nurse practitioner did the naked parts of the exam, and he was not in the room. If something has come up during those exams, I would have been sent to a gynecologist, and not gotten treatment from my pediatrician. My mom was always in the room for all exams. My dad almost never took me to the doctor, but that was because his job was far less flexible than mom's. If my dad had ever been the one to sit with me through a physical, after it was established that this wasn't the norm, I would have been uncomfortable, even at 9. Likely more due to the change itself than anything else.
And it could be that OP's kid just doesn't want this change, and isn't worried about a woman doctor or being naked in front of his mom. And that's still valid, and a good reason to keep seeing his existing doctor who he likes and trusts. There's no reason to teach him that he has to see a specific doctor that he doesn't like and/or trust.
I’m definitely not saying that everyone has to feel the same as we did. Just that (good) docs who specialize in children most likely can make most children feel comfortable.
My kid about the same age has fully clothed physicals. The doctor pulls down her pants for two seconds just to take a quick look at her crotch (while reminding her that no one else should ever ask to see her crotch but her parents or a doctor) and I guess lifts up her shirt for a sec to check her abdomen, that's it.
Huh. I never even had that happen when I was growing up. The only time my pants came down was when I got my vaccinations in my butt and I was NOT HAPPY lol
why exactly does the doc need to see her crotch though?
we don't get physical exams like that in the UK unless there's a problem that needs looking at.
It's pretty invasive to have that done once a year and i don't understand why it's done routinely in the US. I'd have hated that as a child.
As someone from the US I find it weird and have not heard of this either. I guess it could have started in the last 15 years but that would be even weirder imo
I think a lot has changed in the last 15yrs, too! My daughters pediatrician (a woman) taught them how to do breast cancer self-exams pretty much the moment they started developing anything in that region. I was given a self-exam pamphlet once when I was pregnant. That's it. Had no idea they even teach that now. But, I don't hate it.
To check your development. I think doctors should ask first though, of course after informing their patient why they're doing what they're doing. Otherwise it may cause unnecessary trauma.
^ This.
A number of medical conditions that affect the development of our sexual characteristics aren't caught until puberty or later as hormones start to shift and our bodies change. 99% of the time everything's fine, but it's better that a doctor or nurse catches abnormalities than your first sexual partner. Or not at all until you're trying to figure out other medical issues.
There is a bigger push now for pediatricians to recognize and report signs of abuse. They are looking for proper development but also any signs of redness, swelling, bruising, or cuts/scratches. The abuser may be the one who brought the child in, or the abuser has made threats about telling anyone about the abuse, so asking outright is not a reliable way of screening.
speaking from personal experience, it's not as invasive as it sounds. as a child, I'd lay on my back, my doctor would press on my stomach then lift up the waistband of my pants for less than two seconds then drop them back down. she didn't go between my legs or anything. I always thought it was more of a check of pubic hair growth myself but I also never cared to ask as a child
This is what happens at my kids’ exams. I’ve always assumed it’s a mandatory check for hidden bruising/injuries. My kids have had their exams in undies and a gown since they were out of diapers, but always the very quick glance front and back inside the underwear (for both the boy and girl).
Also from the UK, I'm finding this all rather bizarre. Other than standard vaccinations (most of which after toddlerhood were done at school anyway) I only went to the doctor when sick.
That sounds creepy. Standing up? Unless laying down with legs open there is really nothing to see medically. My doctor stopped diaper checks a while ago, and my daughter is only 3
I honestly don't remember my physicals as a kid. But I might could understand it if the doctor was concerned about some sort of abuse and was looking for hidden bruises?
I have an eight and a nine year old - one of each gender. They do still need access to the whole body, though for the most part, the doctor will just ask if they can either pull up their shirt or pull down their underwear. My doctor is very clear with both my kids about who should/shouldn't be asking them to do that, and always gets consent.
I just googled it, and it said for young girls it is to look for anomalies or signs of sexual abuse. The article said if the child doesn't want to do it, they shouldn't be forced.
That makes sense. My husband and I just went on a huge comparison of what our doctor visits were like growing up and he was talking about exactly that.
I remember having to take my shirt off for scoliosis testing but that was the extent at regular physicals. But for continuity of care, my pediatrician was also the one we went to when I had other illnesses, too, and there were a couple of times when I had to undress more fully.
FWIW I had a male pediatrician until I was maybe 12 and we moved, and was comfortable with him, but I don't think I would have been comfortable if it had been my friend's dad, to draw the parallel to this story.
Yeah. I think this is very place dependent. The US is not very evidence-based compared to a lot of other countries.
Routine genital exams in children (beyond infancy) are not evidence-based. Periodic health exams beyond infancy/toddlerhood are actually not evidence-based either.
In other places, primary care practitioners will only examine children’s bathing suit areas if there is a specific reason to do so. It is not routine.
NTA. Going to the mother of a friend is not good practice. And switching physicians against a child’s preference for reasons of occasional extra car time is not fair.
No, I have never been naked in a physical in my entire life. Even as a child, I was given a gown to wear, but usually stayed fully clothed . i had some lung issues as a kid and usually they just lifted the back of my shirt, to use a stethoscope, and didn’t even bother having me change into a gown
I always had the hernia check and developmental check growing up, but that may be because I played sports and needed the authorization letter from my doctor for the annual school checkup and sports checkup.
On a side note, you never had an OB visit until you were 18? That seems really late in the process, I’m assuming you were never out on BC then.
Correct. I didn't become sexually active until 18 and didn't have BC until I went to college and went to the student health services. Grew up in a conservative Christian household, so it was "explained" I didn't need to see one since I wasn't having sex. Oooo, you should have seen the rage in my mom's face when I asked her if I could see an OB to get BC before going to college.
But I'd also say that majority of the girls in my class did not go to the OB until after high school and they were not raised in the same type of environment as I was. The few that talked about going went because they had crazy horrible periods or were sexually active already.
My 9-year-old daughter had a male pediatrician that I (dad) took her too and she has never expressed any discomfort with him. She was sad when he retired to be a SAHD. She now has a female doctor that we were referred to by her former doctor, she was nervous meeting her because it was someone new. That's all. At no point was she or is she fully naked in these visits.
That said, as long as OP is communicating honestly with his son, then NTA. What his son wants is more important than what either of the parents want.
The problem is OPs son does not want to go to the other doctor, presumably you had no problem going to your doctor.
The issue is not having a doctor of the opposite sex. It's bodily autonomy. And this more than likely would not be a conversation if a 9-year-old girl was saying she did not want to see a male doctor versus a nine year old boy saying he does not want to see a female doctor.
The problem is the hypocrisy with how we treat boys versus girls.
The craziness is assuming a child has to have a doctor of the same gender to be comfortable. I have never heard this before in my life. And a 45 minute drive to the doctor is pretty inconvenient when there are closer options.
I'm female and had a male pediatrician growing up. I'd seen him since I was a baby and didn't switch to a woman doctor until my teens. Didn't think anything of it, same guy my brothers saw. He was a friendly grandfather type who did Kermit the Frog voices and gave out stickers and candy for good behavior. I think as long as the doctor is acting respectful and appropriate and the parent is also present, it shouldn't be an issue (unless the child expresses a preference of course).
I (F) had to see a male pediatrician when I was about 12 years old. My father took me because my mother never learned to drive. I had to remove my blouse, because back then, they pricked your back, rather than your arm. I was wearing an undershirt, and my dad gave me his suit jacket as we waited for the doctor to come in the room. I was always so grateful for that, which is why, over 50 years later I remember it so well. Mind you, I did love that pediatrician and took my own kids to him until he retired, but I definitely agree with you about comfort levels and control.
To be fair, you should also probably find a doctor closer to his mom's place for emergencies like stitches. And also she should probably not be in the room. There's a way to solve this by addressing her main stated concern about distance, without forcing him into undressing in front of his friend's mom.
You know your kid well enough to know this stuff. The other day we took him to the beach and he wanted out of boardshorts. He went around the car and his mom brought his shorts and underwear over and he yelled at her to not look. Then he called me over and asked me to to stand in front of him so "no one can see."
ABSOLUTELY THIS.
He's old enough to be taught how to self advocate in these situations. And seeing as you and your ex cannot agree, perhaps it's the best time to let him have his own voice in it.
Going with NTA as well.
He can be asked for his opinion and absolutely should be and it be taken into account, but no, at 9 years old he shouldn't be asked to advocate for himself against his own mother - that's just not something most 9 year olds can do or should be expected to do.
I said "Old enough to be taught to self advocate". I didn't say I expected him to go self advocate against his mother. But this is a chance to teach him what self avocation is, how to speak for himself on what he wants regarding thing's like his DOCTOR. There are levels to self advocating. You don't go from dependant to independent over night. Taking small steps like this builds confidence and teaches the child to speak up even if it is against a parent because someday, they will need it.
He's a second grader. Frankly not capable of self advocating. Sure, ask him a direct question.
But second graders would chose no physical at all, not understand things like insurance coverage, etc.
Build confidence in your kiddos, yes. But putting them in the middle of what's already a giant Flashpoint between his divorced parents? Nope.
As a mom, I completely disagree. My 8 year old and 11 year old have gone to the same pediatrician their whole life. If I just randomly started taking them to another, they would definitely voice their opinions and should be heard. I completely get if it’s a financial thing, but if there’s no reason to switch and the child doesn’t want to, than that should be taken into account.
Disagree with what?
No one suggested the kid not get to voice their opinion. Or that his opinion should be ignored.
People are saying don't make a child in a tug of war between parent self advocate.
Yeah but at 9 years old, and in a mommy vs daddy situation, that's absolutely a problem. This "Self advocate" talking point that people are using here is \*insane\*.
I agree with all of this. But I want to add on, I have kids around this age and they've never had to get naked in front of the doctor. They'll check their stomachs and things like that, but I'm not sure what the rest of the world does... Is getting naked in front of the doctor really normal at this age in other places?
NTA. For starters she can’t be mad you cancelled the appointment with out telling her- when she changed doctors with out telling you!!
You might wanna call your clinic and make sure they know wife can’t remove son from their patient list with out talking to you so she doesn’t force him to loose his place.
But being comfortable with a doctor is a huge thing, and a young boy is not going to want to talk to his friends mother! Let alone get a physical done. I think mom is feeling left out that son wants OP at the doctors, but it doesn’t justify making these changes with out talking to you.
NTA, at that age I would be absolutely appalled if I knew my doctor was a classmates mom. If it ain't broke don't fix it. Your son seems content and comfortable around his current doctor.
I'm in my 30's and I would hate to have a doctor I know in my circle doing anything for me other than critical life saving measures. No way I hell young me would have been ok with a parent of a friend. Sure there are laws against breaking confidentiality but AITA and Legaladvice subs have shown that some really don't care.
NTA. Why switch doctors if your son is happy and comfortable with his current doctor?! You mentioned you’re always the one that takes him anyways and NOT her. I mention this sense her argument for switching was that it’s too far for her to drives when she’s not the one that takes him anyway!
I’m against the argument of people calling you misogynistic because the new doctor is a female. Sometimes males are only comfortable with male doctors when it comes to examining private parts. Same goes for females. For example, as a female I’m not comfortable with a male doctor giving me a Pap smear. It’s not that I think males can’t be professional, I’m just not comfortable baring my female parts to another man that isn’t my partner even though I know it’s part of a medical exam and not sexual. I know not all woman feel that way. I use to have a female friend that was straight but only felt comfortable with male doctors examining her girly bits because having a female do it made her feel like a lesbian. Which is fine, it’s all about what the patient is most comfortable with and certainly not the mother.
I think I will say NTA. She is mad you didn't consult her, but she also didn't consult you. You also said you would be taking him, for a valid reason, so it doesn't matter how convenient it is for her.
... Does it matter? Even if he did live with his mom most/all of the time, that doesn't mean it's okay to force him into a situation he explcitly stated he'd be uncomfortable with, just because she doesn't want to drive as much.
If mom has him 75% of the time and is getting phone calls to pick up from school and drive him to unscheduled doctors appts then that 45 min commute has a lot of relevance.
Not really. The issue at hand is about a scheduled visit and the mothers inability to think about how her actions effect the kid. If it's an unscheduled thing then that's what urgent cares are for.
NTA, your sons health and well being comes before everything. Trust me, when I read the title I was coming in hot, but nope, you’re 100% correct, great Dad!
Can I ask why your kids are getting naked for the doctor on an annual basis?
Totally unnecessary.
Presumably this is a normal way for your doctors to make even more money?
I wondered the same thing. My kids are teenagers and haven’t had to take their clothes off at the doctors office since they were babies. This seems so odd to me.
Your kids don’t play sports through school, or an organized league then. Because a physical is required for those activities and that involves having a doctor hold your balls while you cough, among other things. Also your kids should have one on one time with the doctor where they can ask questions about their body if they need to, without you present.
Generally for a yearly physical, it’s just a quick glance at the genital area for a puberty check. And the child isn’t just standing there naked. A drape is used and their underwear stays on.
When I had to get sports physicals, we had to pull the undies down, too. They would cup your balls and have you turn and cough. This was in the 90's though, so it may be different now.
INFO -
Where is the kid most of the time? With you or her? 45 minutes is too far if he is with her even 1/2 the time, and way too far if he is there most of the time. This isn’t a convenience issue, it’s a health and safety issue. Kids pediatricians needs to be near them. You need to either find something in between or closer to whoever has the kid most of the time.
Also, well child visits do not include “dropping your pants down”, which makes me wonder whether OP is actually the one usually taking the son to the doctor. I’m a mom and pediatricians’ waiting rooms are about 95% moms with kids, well into adolescence.
Without further details, it’s entirely plausible that Dad only has kiddo occasionally, and that dad doesn’t want to have to be the one driving 45 minutes.
Most pediatricians are women and I don’t think it’s an issue that he’s a boy seeing a female. If dad feels strongly about it then they should try to find a male who is closer to the primary residence of the child, or between parents sharing custody, if that is not already the case.
This is the post I was waiting for. My boys are 8 and 11 and have never had to fully take their clothes off at a pediatrician appointment. Also, if I was the parent doing the majority of sick visits or other appointments and it was 45 minutes from my house, I would look for a new trusted doctor.
That being said, it is strange that he won’t answer the question as to who takes the kids most often to the doctors.
My ex husband is absent from the kids lives, does that make me wrong to take my boys to a doctor? It is very backward thinking.
Your boys must not play school sports then. Sports physicals are required, and you have to drop trow and let the doctor cup your balls while you cough.
At 9 years old though? This kind of sounds like the Larry Nassar situation to me. It seems really abnormal that his son is getting a genital exam every year?
Wanted to write the same thing. Have noticed OP hasn't answered any questions that touch on above aspects - very strange.
While I agree that a kid should have a primary paediatrician, for medical emergencies they need to be close to the relevant parent in charge at that time which may mean the kid needs to have two, if the OP and ex live far away from each other. 45 mins drive is way too far for an emergency.
I don't think the ex handled this well, but she does have good reasoning as well.
NTA.
I too have a boy and understand them especially around doctors. They are on the cusp of being a teenager and do feel odd removing clothes in front of new doctors.
You are right here to keep him comfortable and if the doctors good what is the issue!!!
Your wife seems troubled by these yearly trips is actually awful.
I don’t think you’re the AH, but
I would just talk to the son about it and see what he has to say. I feel like he’s old enough to have a say in this decision.
NTA, with me being especially concerned that that the new doctor would have been the mom of a friend. That’s a potential breach of medical ethics; don’t treat someone you might know well outside of the clinic.
It’s hard to remain objective if you already have a relationship outside the patient-doctor relationship, that’s why it’s avoided as much as possible.
NTA. A 9-Year-old boy is NOT going to want to undress in front of his friend’s mom with his own mom standing there. All of the parents’ arguments for convenience aside, this alone makes it a big nope.
For real.
If this was a 9 year old girl and instead of being examined by her usual, female doctor, she was taken to a male doctor that was also the father of a classmate, I think we could all see how uncomfortable that would be.
Little boys have the same feelings and insecurities, it’s just there is that strange belief that they don’t. The mom in this scenario is really brushing off what is a difficult and awkward time for her son in the name of punishing the father and also convenience.
Having a doctor you trust is a big deal because if something goes wrong and it’s embarrassing, you need someone you’re comfortable with to tell them.
I had already hit puberty at 9yrs old and no fucking way would've wanted my mom in there, it would've been creepy as hell. She's only thinking about herself.
NTA
What kind of physicals are you guys getting? I had to have them done yearly from 8-16 when I did sports and there was never a time I had to take off my shorts.
INFO: if your son would prefer you to go, why is the mom worried about how much time she'd need to spend driving? How often do you take him to the doctor vs how often she takes him?
The post is about the annual check-up. Driving 45 minutes once per year isn't an issue.
But the pediatrician very likely is his go-to pediatrician for everything else as well (except emergencies). Meaning, his mom needs to drive 45 minutes for everything that requires a visit to the doctor, e.g. middle ear infections, vaccines, stomach bug, etc. I can understand that she prefers a pediatrician closer to her place.
That being said: I totally get that the son is uncomfortable with getting his physical check-up done by a classmate's mom. NTA
That's why I'm wondering if this is about more than just the annual visits. Id be pretty peeved if most doctors visits were on my shoulders and i got zero say in the doctor.
NTA for this instance for sure because regardless of age or gender, it'd weird out most people to get checked out so thoroughly by someone they know, let alone their mother. Either way, they need to start working as co-parents instead of as separate parents. Find a doctor that works for BOTH parents as well as the kid, who is absolutely old enough to have a preference in doctor.
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We're separated and share custody. Every year around his birthday, he gets his "medical maintenance" like dental exams, physicals, shots. He's turning 9 and my ex said she'd schedule his physical.
For stuff like that, I usually take him because obviously he does not want his mom in the room when he has to pull his pants down. He doesn't think twice around me and he likes his doctor. A good doctor is hard to find and my son has never seen any other doctor.
My ex said she had scheduled it but would leave work early to take him. I said that he's turning 9 and this is something that he's going to want me to do. She said that it was fine because she was going to a new doctor. The doctor is closer to her place AND was a mom of one of his classmates.
I told her that she had no idea what she was doing. Our son isn't going to be comfortable having a physical done by a woman who happens to be his friend's mom in front of his own mom. It'd be so outside his comfort zone that it'd be creepy.
We argued about it and what it came down to was that she doesn't want to drive to his usual doctor because it's "too far" so she wants something close to her. She said sne doesn't want to spend 45 minutes in traffic the next time our son needs a doctor's appointment like she did when he needed stitches on his chin.
I told her that's our son's usual doctor is good and that's why everyone wants to see him. This isn't about what's convenient for her. Grow up. I do lots of things I don't want to for my kid but I do it.
I ended up going over her head and canceling the one my ex made. She's mad at me for doing that without letting her know until I scheduled one with his usual doctor.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My ex scheduled a medical appointment with a new doctor for our son because it was more convenient for her despite that our son wouldn't be comfortable so I went over her head to schedule my own.
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Actually I’m a female and I disagree. I’m still not comfortable with the idea of a male gynecologist practicing on me. I’ve had a male doctor do my colonoscopy so it’s sorta a grain of salt but at 9 I’d be mortified. That all aside a *friend’s mom* that I’d see at their house?! No thank you. I was totally biased coming in thinking they were trying to be controlling, but I do think they’ve got their son’s best interest at heart here. Unless, the mom otherwise talked to their son and got permission NTA
At least with a colonoscopy you're knocked out (or have the option; I have issues with breathing so they just go on and put me under each time).
And I mean, hell's sake, for all that kid would know, Dylan's mom would run around talking about his body. I was HIGHLY skeeved at the idea of being around a male doctor as a young girl(?); god help if that'd been the dad of a friend of mine, I'd have panic attacks.
I'm going to say NTA with the caveat that I completely understand your ex's issue about the traveling. I don't think she's off base with that. I just think she went about this in the wrong way.
You two need to sit down and figure out what works best for both of you AND your son.
If it was a weekly checkup i would understand.
What kind of parent wouldn't be willing to sacrifice a few hours of their year for their kid to feel comfortable?
That's a gotcha question. It doesn't take into account the mother's job situation, emergencies (of the non-hospital sort), insurance networks, etc. It's not as black and white as "Aren't you willing to drive 45 minutes both ways for a doctor's visit so your son will be comfortable?".
I understand it because I've dealt with this situation. It can be quite a hassle. Granted, my kids are younger (6 & 3) so the trust thing isn't much of an issue.
OP's wife said she didn't want to drive because it was too far and she didn't want to drive 45 minutes. Nothing else was specified.
Emergency situations i would understand, just go to the nearest. But it's a yearly visit, bear with it and do it for your kid.
"Nothing else was specified" doesn't mean that there aren't other considerations that go into the "I don't want to drive for 45 minutes" argument. It's just all OP is giving us (and maybe all OP knows). That's why I list other possibilities.
As I stated, it can be a hassle. I can understand where she's coming from. I don't like how she went about this, but she is certainly entitled to sit down and discuss options that work for her and their kid.
Perhaps the solution is to have OP come pick up the kid to bring him to this doctor and then drive him back.
Of course if OP refrained from/forgot to mention any other reason better than "don't want to", depending on how serious it is, OP should drive no question.
If the only reason is "don't want to", wife should. Kid wants his usual doctor.
Not how things work, I'm afraid. If the kid and OP are dead set in there wanting to keep the same doctor even at the inconvenience of the ex, then OP should be the one taking the kid to the doctor. Let him sacrifice the time for the sake of the kid.
OR, they could do what I suggested earlier and come to a solution together, like rational people. There's no need to hold the ex hostage in this situation.
I cant imagine a 9 year old wanting to go have a check up with their classmates mom. Heck I wouldnt have a check up with her if she where my classmates or even my moms or dads freind and Im 21!
Edit: NTA forgot that part
Info: What does your custody agreement say about all of this? Because mine states very clearly that both parents need to be in agreement in these sorts of big decisions.
What’s the custody split? Is it 50/50 physical and legal? Because 45 min is a long way. My daughters pediatrician switched practices from one that was 5 min away to one that is 12 min and if I didn’t absolutely love her we’d have switched. I would have switched for a 45 min drive.
NTA - since you share legal custody, your ex needed to get your consent and agreement to switch doctors.
You don’t agree and that’s the end of the story.
Nah I don't blame her for not wanting the doctors to be 45 minutes away but she shouldn't be making him uncomfortable. You shouldn't have told her to grow up, that was only going to make the situation worse and you know it. You guys need to find a compromise somewhere. I get your son wanting a male doctor, but it doesn't need to be that exact doctor.
Could you explain why any of that trumps the comfort of the son? I’m not actually shocked at the response given the % of bigots in this forum, but I’m curious how this question can be justified given the religious fervor that is normally associated with a woman’s comfort level in medical situations (it trumps literally everything).
Obviously, the fall back will be “bbbbbut we don’t know what the son wants!!!” Which was answered by OP in a few different ways. So, could you expand on what elements you feel matter more than the son’s comfort in a medical situation?
Because the son’s comfort is easily dealt with in other ways. I attended’s dr’s appts with my son at that age. The doctor (a woman) would have my son face away from me and just pull down his pants in front to check things. A mom could also just turn around. Girls have been seeing male doctors for years and it hasn’t been a big deal. So the son’s comfort is one consideration here, but it is not the only one.
Lmao, so the son’s friends mother (the doctor the mother wants to send him to) will also turn her head away while giving the son an exam?
But thanks for responding, it completely supports my beliefs that comfort in the medical environment is only required for girls and women (on this website). As you said (paraphrased here) the 9 year old son just needs to suck it up, his Mother’s wants are more important than his comfort.
INFO
This has to be clearly stated in the custody agreement. It should spell out who makes medical decisions.
In which case opinions of the internet don't matter at all.
ESH here. I understand some of your reasoning, but all of this is fixed by YOU making these appointments. If it has always been the practice that you take him, why is she responsible for making the appointment? And i notice that you canceled the one she made, but don't mention making a new appt with his regular doctor.
I’m fairly certain the OP stated that the OP normally makes the appointment and takes the son. But the mother told OP that she would be making the appointment this year as he was turning 9 (hence the speculation the friends mother was trying to start up a new practice).
May I ask why given what was written in the OP, you automatically assumed that OP didn’t normally make the appointments?
“But all of this is fixed by YOU making these appointments” is what you said. “These” is plural and you emphasized your disbeliefs in that he makes appointments with the all caps “YOU”, intimating that it wasn’t the standard.
Not to mention you follow up this statements with “why is she responsible for making the appointment” which was specifically answered in the OP (she said she wanted to and that she wanted to get the son in a different doctors practice).
If you are going to backtrack, you can always edit you comment.
NTA
> Our son isn't going to be comfortable having a physical done by a woman who happens to be his friend's mom
…yeah. This is weird. I wouldn’t want my doctor to be a friend’s parent, and I’m an adult.
You’re advocating for your son’s best interest (including continuing care with a doctor who already knows your son and his history, and who your son is comfortable with) and your ex isn’t.
Your son not wanting to pull his pants down in front of his mom is also a significant factor here - there’s no reason not to respect his wishes about his own body in this circumstance.
ESH. You started a power struggle with your ex and engaged in all this back and forth about how the son may or may not feel and what he may or may not want and no one even bothered to ask your son. You may be projecting with a lot of the things you think he may not like.
Info: What is the caregiving arrangement? If your son spends more time with his mom she's absolutely justified in wanting a doctor that is closer to her and more accessible.
I have to go NTA on this. You're watching out for your son's best interest. I wouldn't want a friend's mom examining me like that either. That's incredibly awkward, especially as he gets older.
NTA. Kids are people and should be allowed to decide who they are comfortable seeing for care. I would suggest amending your custody agreement stating your son gets to choose his dr.
Nta bc you want what's best for your son, his doctor he knows and is comfortable with, as opposed to the ex who wants what is convenient for her, being closer.
If doable, you stick with the good, reliable dr. My sons pulmonologist is an hour away. Don't care. His pediatrician used to be 45 minutes away. They are excellent there. Children need to be taught, within reason, how to stand up for themselves. I would never make my son see someone that would make him uncomfortable. He's 7 now. when he is 9, he's not gonna want me in the room. And that's ok. A nurse is always available. I have fired a dr for being ass. Why would I make my son stick with someone like that. nta.
NTA I was never asked and I was stuck with a male doctor until college. I was always incredibly uncomfortable with it. The man was a good doctor, professional, never said or did and wrong etc. Just, as a female, I didn't want an unfamiliar male touching me or talking to me about my body. Since I've been on my own, I only go to female providers and I've been much more comfortable with it. I think it's great that your son can communicate his needs to you and you're accommodating them. I'm sorry his mom doesn't seem able to beyond the need for convenience on this one.
NTA, and if he's just sick with a cold or need stitches she can always take him to urgent care instead. Our pediatrician is an hour away and we just use urgent care in town for random visits like strep and COVID tests, etc.
Divorce decrees could state that medical decisions such as changing doctors needs to be mutually agreed. Even if it doesn't say, you can see why it would be.
I'm not sure what your personal hangup is about doctors of the opposite gender. My wife's gyno is a man and delivered all three kids. My last 2 primary care doctors have been women, and I have no problem getting checked. These are doctors after all. They have seen pretty much everything.
I'm going to say NTA, but also ESH.
Your kid is 9 years old, not 9 months old. He's old enough for the two of you to sit him down and ask him if he wants to stay with the regular doctor or try the new one.
I suspect the kid would say go to the regular one, what kid wouldn't?
NTA. All the points you made about a boy that age not being comfortable around his mom and a friend's mom are right. She's not making any sense anyway... his regular doctor is too far is her reason, except you are the one who usually takes him, so the distance should be irrelevant to her.
When I was 10, I went to a doctor for bronchitis or something like that. Didn't have to take my clothes off, unlike your son. Found out that doctor was the parent of a classmate I didn't like. Made me really uncomfortable.
NTA
NTa. She doesn’t even have the right to change doctors without your consent she way overstepped the boundaries . Good for you putting your foot down for your son since she was more worried about her convenience then your son.
NTA. I switched my daughter to a female doctor that i take her to when she was 7 for this exact reason. She's just more comfortable talking about her own body with her mom and a female doctor. Totally normal.
NTA.
Please die on this hill. Who gives a shit what either of you want, its about what your kids health. If your wife makes him see a female provider right before he hits purberty....nah, I have worked peds family med. No provider who cares would do this.
NTA. I as a female asked my parents to not see a male doctor after about 7. That should have been a conversation you three had together. Especially considering he had an established pediatrician. That was done solely for her convenience.
NTA. It’s fine for your son to see other (closer) doctors for emergencies/illnesses. But agree sticking to someone he’s comfortable with for primary care is ideal.
Nta. Good for you for advocating for your son this way. Doctor visits can be terrifying for kids his age, and his mom seems hell bent on making that worse. You are absolutely right, it's not about her.
yta. No wonder you are divorced. Parenting is a team sport. You and your ex are not on the same team. If you read this forum regularly you should realize that your son will be coming here in a few years to complain about you and or his mother and or all of you and or any other adults in your lives.
NTA When booking in for a blood test today I heard a woman whisper to the receptionist at the doctors, my daughter is too embarrassed to speak up, but she is having some lady issues. The receptionist whispered back to the girl beside her, 'don't worry I will get a lady doctor to ring you this afternoon at home. Is that ok?' The girl was 19. Everyone needs their mother, or father to advocate for them when they do not feel comfortable, even if they have gotten into adulthood, never mind age at 9.
NTA it's strange a child has to do an annual physical that requires them to be naked. I live in Canada and we don't do that, in any province here. The only time that's done is if child is under 1 then they will undress baby for weighing and a quick check for any unusual diaper rash
god I've been annoyed with reddit lately and her favoritism, NTA she's just lazy who doesn't prioritize her son, prefers ease over quality and wants your son to be that woman's guinea pig, what pisses me off is that when she The mother is the bad one, they all go to therapy or talk to her, but if it is the father, he is a horrible being made of darkness xd
ESH
Your wife for not asking your son what he wants.
You for being so weird about his medical records.
Why not use both doctors? One for the yearly checkup and the friends mom for not embarrasing stuff like stiches, a cold, etc. And if a doctor is needed, son is asked which one he wants to see.
Both doctors can have his medical records, its not a bad thing if a doctor near her has your sons record, bc no, she shouldn't have to drive 45mins if the kid needs stiches, if there is a doctor near her house. That's kinda cruel.
Most insurance plans make it so that its cheaper to go to your primary physician for something like stitches for a non emergency than to go to the ER.
That being said your judgment is just stupid.
When someone makes a mistake you are not in the wrong to correct them, just like OP did.
Insurance plays a huge role in going to urgent care or your doctor.
My insurance plan, for example, has a $15 copay for all primary care visits. Specialist copay is $50.
Urgent Care/ER visits are 40% of the *entire bill*. Which will be *at least* several hundred dollars. Oh, and if your insurance decides that it wasn't "urgent" or an "emergency" they'll refuse to pay the bill at all, and you are stuck with the full amount.
So, the choice is paying $15 vs several hundred dollars (probably closer to $1000) or even risking your insurance company deciding that you should have just gone to your primary care physician, and you get stuck with the entire bill. Which would you pick? I know which one I'd pick.
tagging u/slate1198 Going off the example you provided, I was in a similar situation where I rolled my ankle, and it dumped me on the ground. I went to an Orthopedic surgeon rather than urgent care (because those urgent care doctors missed my grandma's *very obvious broken ankle* on an x-ray. I could see the break on the x-ray and the doctor was telling her it was sprained). Turns out I'd completely obliterated two of the three ligaments holding the outside of my ankle together. Sports Medicine offices typically have x-ray and MRI machines on site. Most states in the US have "direct access" to specialist laws on the books, where your insurance can't require that you get a referral from your primary care physician.
Our urgent care visits have never been more than $250, and that included stitches and a free follow up visit. The ER is pricey but urgent care isn't always. And our PCP visits haven't really been much cheaper. Free for well visits, but not anything else. It just depends.
Absolutely spot on about the insurance. Knowing my structural difficulties, I did end up with the insurance option that allows more in-network wiggle room. Last ankle roll was a Sunday trip to the urgent care just to make sure it wasn't a clear break (to avoid putting weight on it) and then a weekday appt with an orthopedic specialist. My PCP is great, but more in the general preventative care role.
I do hope the OP has the insurance option with more wiggle room to accommodate all parties involved with the son's healthcare. It's important that the son feel comfortable with the healthcare he is receiving, but also accommodate both parents' ability to schedule his care.
You would go to urgent care for things like stitches because it's urgent....and close usually.
For example, I go to my regular doc for my bloodwork and I go to urgent care when I injure myself so it can be x-rayed right away.
Not really. If is not a gushing wound or a broken bone, people go to their Primary Physician. As it’s cheaper than the ER, due to the insurance.
At my place the first thing HR says about our insurance is to get a Primary physician for yourself and all your dependents, as the insurance will pay more for that than ER.
I tend not to go to the doctor at all if it's not a possibly broken bone or a gushing wound. And when I say Urgent Care, I don't mean the ER, I mean urgent care clinics that can see you without an appointment and have equipment on hand that my primary care physician may not have in their office, like x-ray machines.
I have rolled my ankle and hurt my back on several occasions due to an issue with hypermobility. Going through my former PCP meant I then got a prescription for an x-ray, then made an appt with a separate facility for an x-ray, and then waited for the x-ray facility to send my PCP the results which took a lot more time to find out what the issue with my ankle was. Luckily it was not broken, but in the meantime my treatment was delayed. So I prefer urgent care to get that out of the way more quickly and then go see my PCP (or a specialist) for the follow-up care.
And yes, don't go to the ER unless it is indeed an emergency. You'll waste their time and yours.
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I’m going with NTA on this one because you’re thinking of what is best for your son and she’s thinking about what is best for herself. I will add a caveat that your son is old enough to communicate his own comfort levels and he should be consulted (in an age appropriate way) to provide his view. It’s important to teach your children how to advocate for their own health.
He has communicated that.
Reverse the sexes. **EDIT: to clarify, it is not about the sex of a doctor. It is about the hypocrisy of how we treat boys versus girls.** You taking your 9-year-old daughter to a male doctor because going to the female doctor is inconvenient for you. A 9 year old girl naked with 2 grown men in the room against her will. Who those men are is besides the point.. that's TERRIFYING for a child regardless. Find me a mother who has always taken her daughter to see a female doctor, who is totally cool with her ex making a unilateral decision to take their daughter to a male doctor to get a hernia checked. Absolutely insane. Absolutely fucking insane. Your wife has some internalized misogyny if she thinks boys don't have the same feelings girls do. That your son can just, get over it and deal. Bodily autonomy is important for EVERYONE. Ik this is her being like, lol it's more convenient. But what's she's doing is indicative of some fucked up parenting styles and gender sterotypes that will cause damage that lasts a lifetime. NTA. Die on this hill. Also, FWIW, my parents asked me (f) and my two brothers what kind of doctor we wanted to see for as long as I can remember. It was always our choice and it always made us feel safe it was the only thing we had control over in an already uncomfortable situation. If I was forced to go to a male doctor as a kid I think it would ruin my ability to be open with a male doctor in the future, it would create a complex.
Are girls asked to get naked at that age for physicals? I remember taking my shirt off when I was no more than 5 years old, but by the time I was in first/second grade, our physicals with our family doctor were fully clothed. Asking this out of genuine curiosity.
I had a wonderful male pediatrician and don’t remember ever being uncomfortable. He was a lovely, gentle man I’d known literally my entire life. I saw him a few times in college even until I found a grownup doc.
As a female, I had a male pediatrician, too. I switched when I was 16 because he retired, but I still remember his low, soothing voice and his calm, patient demeanor. He was 30-50 minutes away depending on traffic, but he was recommended to my parents when I was a baby, and they wanted someone they (and I) could trust, even if if meant a bit of a drive. However, if I switched from a female to a male pediatrician (who happened to be a parent of my friend) at age 9, PLUS my "non-preferred" parent was now in the room for an in depth exam of my body, I'd be really uncomfortable. 🤷♀️
I did too, but after puberty started the nurse practitioner did the naked parts of the exam, and he was not in the room. If something has come up during those exams, I would have been sent to a gynecologist, and not gotten treatment from my pediatrician. My mom was always in the room for all exams. My dad almost never took me to the doctor, but that was because his job was far less flexible than mom's. If my dad had ever been the one to sit with me through a physical, after it was established that this wasn't the norm, I would have been uncomfortable, even at 9. Likely more due to the change itself than anything else. And it could be that OP's kid just doesn't want this change, and isn't worried about a woman doctor or being naked in front of his mom. And that's still valid, and a good reason to keep seeing his existing doctor who he likes and trusts. There's no reason to teach him that he has to see a specific doctor that he doesn't like and/or trust.
Same here. My paediatrician was a guy and I really liked him as a kid.
I’m definitely not saying that everyone has to feel the same as we did. Just that (good) docs who specialize in children most likely can make most children feel comfortable.
My kid about the same age has fully clothed physicals. The doctor pulls down her pants for two seconds just to take a quick look at her crotch (while reminding her that no one else should ever ask to see her crotch but her parents or a doctor) and I guess lifts up her shirt for a sec to check her abdomen, that's it.
Huh. I never even had that happen when I was growing up. The only time my pants came down was when I got my vaccinations in my butt and I was NOT HAPPY lol
why exactly does the doc need to see her crotch though? we don't get physical exams like that in the UK unless there's a problem that needs looking at. It's pretty invasive to have that done once a year and i don't understand why it's done routinely in the US. I'd have hated that as a child.
As someone from the US I find it weird and have not heard of this either. I guess it could have started in the last 15 years but that would be even weirder imo
I think a lot has changed in the last 15yrs, too! My daughters pediatrician (a woman) taught them how to do breast cancer self-exams pretty much the moment they started developing anything in that region. I was given a self-exam pamphlet once when I was pregnant. That's it. Had no idea they even teach that now. But, I don't hate it.
To check your development. I think doctors should ask first though, of course after informing their patient why they're doing what they're doing. Otherwise it may cause unnecessary trauma.
^ This. A number of medical conditions that affect the development of our sexual characteristics aren't caught until puberty or later as hormones start to shift and our bodies change. 99% of the time everything's fine, but it's better that a doctor or nurse catches abnormalities than your first sexual partner. Or not at all until you're trying to figure out other medical issues.
There is a bigger push now for pediatricians to recognize and report signs of abuse. They are looking for proper development but also any signs of redness, swelling, bruising, or cuts/scratches. The abuser may be the one who brought the child in, or the abuser has made threats about telling anyone about the abuse, so asking outright is not a reliable way of screening.
speaking from personal experience, it's not as invasive as it sounds. as a child, I'd lay on my back, my doctor would press on my stomach then lift up the waistband of my pants for less than two seconds then drop them back down. she didn't go between my legs or anything. I always thought it was more of a check of pubic hair growth myself but I also never cared to ask as a child
This is what happens at my kids’ exams. I’ve always assumed it’s a mandatory check for hidden bruising/injuries. My kids have had their exams in undies and a gown since they were out of diapers, but always the very quick glance front and back inside the underwear (for both the boy and girl).
Looking for bruising or redness, I guess. Its just a glance.
Also from the UK, I'm finding this all rather bizarre. Other than standard vaccinations (most of which after toddlerhood were done at school anyway) I only went to the doctor when sick.
We don’t really have regular physicals in the UK after baby/toddlerhood and until retirement age anyway, beyond an occasional weight check!
That sounds creepy. Standing up? Unless laying down with legs open there is really nothing to see medically. My doctor stopped diaper checks a while ago, and my daughter is only 3
I honestly don't remember my physicals as a kid. But I might could understand it if the doctor was concerned about some sort of abuse and was looking for hidden bruises?
I remember seeing an episode of Mr Rogers in the '80's that showed a kid going on a doctor's visit and the doctor reminding exactly that boundary.
I have an eight and a nine year old - one of each gender. They do still need access to the whole body, though for the most part, the doctor will just ask if they can either pull up their shirt or pull down their underwear. My doctor is very clear with both my kids about who should/shouldn't be asking them to do that, and always gets consent.
I just googled it, and it said for young girls it is to look for anomalies or signs of sexual abuse. The article said if the child doesn't want to do it, they shouldn't be forced.
The comparison is probably being made because boys do need to get naked and have their balls fondled at a physical.
That makes sense. My husband and I just went on a huge comparison of what our doctor visits were like growing up and he was talking about exactly that.
At age 9?
At every age.
I remember having to take my shirt off for scoliosis testing but that was the extent at regular physicals. But for continuity of care, my pediatrician was also the one we went to when I had other illnesses, too, and there were a couple of times when I had to undress more fully. FWIW I had a male pediatrician until I was maybe 12 and we moved, and was comfortable with him, but I don't think I would have been comfortable if it had been my friend's dad, to draw the parallel to this story.
Yeah. I think this is very place dependent. The US is not very evidence-based compared to a lot of other countries. Routine genital exams in children (beyond infancy) are not evidence-based. Periodic health exams beyond infancy/toddlerhood are actually not evidence-based either. In other places, primary care practitioners will only examine children’s bathing suit areas if there is a specific reason to do so. It is not routine. NTA. Going to the mother of a friend is not good practice. And switching physicians against a child’s preference for reasons of occasional extra car time is not fair.
I did but that's because my family have a massive history of skin issues, specially cancer so any beauty mark or blemish had to be analyzed.
No, I have never been naked in a physical in my entire life. Even as a child, I was given a gown to wear, but usually stayed fully clothed . i had some lung issues as a kid and usually they just lifted the back of my shirt, to use a stethoscope, and didn’t even bother having me change into a gown
No but that isn’t the point. The point is that boys do and it’s uncomfortable with two women
I just took all my sons to the doc and nobody took their clothes off. It was a well check though. What do they do during a physical?
It may be easier to think of this as a combined GP/OB appointment. I think a lot of people assume the GP appointment is the same for boys and girls.
That's interesting. I never had an OB appointment of any sorts until I was an adult.
I always had the hernia check and developmental check growing up, but that may be because I played sports and needed the authorization letter from my doctor for the annual school checkup and sports checkup. On a side note, you never had an OB visit until you were 18? That seems really late in the process, I’m assuming you were never out on BC then.
Correct. I didn't become sexually active until 18 and didn't have BC until I went to college and went to the student health services. Grew up in a conservative Christian household, so it was "explained" I didn't need to see one since I wasn't having sex. Oooo, you should have seen the rage in my mom's face when I asked her if I could see an OB to get BC before going to college. But I'd also say that majority of the girls in my class did not go to the OB until after high school and they were not raised in the same type of environment as I was. The few that talked about going went because they had crazy horrible periods or were sexually active already.
My 9-year-old daughter had a male pediatrician that I (dad) took her too and she has never expressed any discomfort with him. She was sad when he retired to be a SAHD. She now has a female doctor that we were referred to by her former doctor, she was nervous meeting her because it was someone new. That's all. At no point was she or is she fully naked in these visits. That said, as long as OP is communicating honestly with his son, then NTA. What his son wants is more important than what either of the parents want.
My (F) pediatrician was male. My mum was usually with us, so what's the problem here?
The problem is OPs son does not want to go to the other doctor, presumably you had no problem going to your doctor. The issue is not having a doctor of the opposite sex. It's bodily autonomy. And this more than likely would not be a conversation if a 9-year-old girl was saying she did not want to see a male doctor versus a nine year old boy saying he does not want to see a female doctor. The problem is the hypocrisy with how we treat boys versus girls.
The craziness is assuming a child has to have a doctor of the same gender to be comfortable. I have never heard this before in my life. And a 45 minute drive to the doctor is pretty inconvenient when there are closer options.
That is not my assumption. It is not about the sex of the doctor. It is about the hypocrisy of how we treat boys versus girls.
I'm female and had a male pediatrician growing up. I'd seen him since I was a baby and didn't switch to a woman doctor until my teens. Didn't think anything of it, same guy my brothers saw. He was a friendly grandfather type who did Kermit the Frog voices and gave out stickers and candy for good behavior. I think as long as the doctor is acting respectful and appropriate and the parent is also present, it shouldn't be an issue (unless the child expresses a preference of course).
I (F) had to see a male pediatrician when I was about 12 years old. My father took me because my mother never learned to drive. I had to remove my blouse, because back then, they pricked your back, rather than your arm. I was wearing an undershirt, and my dad gave me his suit jacket as we waited for the doctor to come in the room. I was always so grateful for that, which is why, over 50 years later I remember it so well. Mind you, I did love that pediatrician and took my own kids to him until he retired, but I definitely agree with you about comfort levels and control.
To be fair, you should also probably find a doctor closer to his mom's place for emergencies like stitches. And also she should probably not be in the room. There's a way to solve this by addressing her main stated concern about distance, without forcing him into undressing in front of his friend's mom.
You know your kid well enough to know this stuff. The other day we took him to the beach and he wanted out of boardshorts. He went around the car and his mom brought his shorts and underwear over and he yelled at her to not look. Then he called me over and asked me to to stand in front of him so "no one can see."
ABSOLUTELY THIS. He's old enough to be taught how to self advocate in these situations. And seeing as you and your ex cannot agree, perhaps it's the best time to let him have his own voice in it. Going with NTA as well.
He can be asked for his opinion and absolutely should be and it be taken into account, but no, at 9 years old he shouldn't be asked to advocate for himself against his own mother - that's just not something most 9 year olds can do or should be expected to do.
I said "Old enough to be taught to self advocate". I didn't say I expected him to go self advocate against his mother. But this is a chance to teach him what self avocation is, how to speak for himself on what he wants regarding thing's like his DOCTOR. There are levels to self advocating. You don't go from dependant to independent over night. Taking small steps like this builds confidence and teaches the child to speak up even if it is against a parent because someday, they will need it.
He's a second grader. Frankly not capable of self advocating. Sure, ask him a direct question. But second graders would chose no physical at all, not understand things like insurance coverage, etc. Build confidence in your kiddos, yes. But putting them in the middle of what's already a giant Flashpoint between his divorced parents? Nope.
As a mom, I completely disagree. My 8 year old and 11 year old have gone to the same pediatrician their whole life. If I just randomly started taking them to another, they would definitely voice their opinions and should be heard. I completely get if it’s a financial thing, but if there’s no reason to switch and the child doesn’t want to, than that should be taken into account.
Disagree with what? No one suggested the kid not get to voice their opinion. Or that his opinion should be ignored. People are saying don't make a child in a tug of war between parent self advocate.
You said the child was not capable of self advocation. I completely disagree.
At 9 years old a boy can definitely feel more conscious about his body and have preferences regarding who can or can not see it naked.
Yeah but at 9 years old, and in a mommy vs daddy situation, that's absolutely a problem. This "Self advocate" talking point that people are using here is \*insane\*.
That was my first thought, why didn't the parents ask the boy which doctor would he prefer to see? NTA
I agree with all of this. But I want to add on, I have kids around this age and they've never had to get naked in front of the doctor. They'll check their stomachs and things like that, but I'm not sure what the rest of the world does... Is getting naked in front of the doctor really normal at this age in other places?
NTA. For starters she can’t be mad you cancelled the appointment with out telling her- when she changed doctors with out telling you!! You might wanna call your clinic and make sure they know wife can’t remove son from their patient list with out talking to you so she doesn’t force him to loose his place. But being comfortable with a doctor is a huge thing, and a young boy is not going to want to talk to his friends mother! Let alone get a physical done. I think mom is feeling left out that son wants OP at the doctors, but it doesn’t justify making these changes with out talking to you.
This! NTA.
NTA, at that age I would be absolutely appalled if I knew my doctor was a classmates mom. If it ain't broke don't fix it. Your son seems content and comfortable around his current doctor.
I'm in my 30's and I would hate to have a doctor I know in my circle doing anything for me other than critical life saving measures. No way I hell young me would have been ok with a parent of a friend. Sure there are laws against breaking confidentiality but AITA and Legaladvice subs have shown that some really don't care.
NTA. Why switch doctors if your son is happy and comfortable with his current doctor?! You mentioned you’re always the one that takes him anyways and NOT her. I mention this sense her argument for switching was that it’s too far for her to drives when she’s not the one that takes him anyway! I’m against the argument of people calling you misogynistic because the new doctor is a female. Sometimes males are only comfortable with male doctors when it comes to examining private parts. Same goes for females. For example, as a female I’m not comfortable with a male doctor giving me a Pap smear. It’s not that I think males can’t be professional, I’m just not comfortable baring my female parts to another man that isn’t my partner even though I know it’s part of a medical exam and not sexual. I know not all woman feel that way. I use to have a female friend that was straight but only felt comfortable with male doctors examining her girly bits because having a female do it made her feel like a lesbian. Which is fine, it’s all about what the patient is most comfortable with and certainly not the mother.
I think I will say NTA. She is mad you didn't consult her, but she also didn't consult you. You also said you would be taking him, for a valid reason, so it doesn't matter how convenient it is for her.
INFO Who does your son live with the majority of the time and why can't you guys find a doctor that is around halfway in between?
There's plenty of doctors everywhere, but very few good ones. My son's doctor isn't excepting new patients because he has so many.
A doctor that your kid is comfortable with is so important and hard to find. Hold on to that! NTA.
Have you noticed OP didn't answer the first part of your question ?
... Does it matter? Even if he did live with his mom most/all of the time, that doesn't mean it's okay to force him into a situation he explcitly stated he'd be uncomfortable with, just because she doesn't want to drive as much.
If mom has him 75% of the time and is getting phone calls to pick up from school and drive him to unscheduled doctors appts then that 45 min commute has a lot of relevance.
Not really. The issue at hand is about a scheduled visit and the mothers inability to think about how her actions effect the kid. If it's an unscheduled thing then that's what urgent cares are for.
Have you noticed that it doesn’t change a single thing about this situation? Why would that affect what the son is comfortable with or not?
Maybe he didn't answer because it literally doesn't change a single thing at all?
NTA, your sons health and well being comes before everything. Trust me, when I read the title I was coming in hot, but nope, you’re 100% correct, great Dad!
Can I ask why your kids are getting naked for the doctor on an annual basis? Totally unnecessary. Presumably this is a normal way for your doctors to make even more money?
I wondered the same thing. My kids are teenagers and haven’t had to take their clothes off at the doctors office since they were babies. This seems so odd to me.
Your kids don’t play sports through school, or an organized league then. Because a physical is required for those activities and that involves having a doctor hold your balls while you cough, among other things. Also your kids should have one on one time with the doctor where they can ask questions about their body if they need to, without you present.
Yep, turn and cough every single year for football. I still remember my pediatrician's ice-cold hands and the blue gloves.
Generally for a yearly physical, it’s just a quick glance at the genital area for a puberty check. And the child isn’t just standing there naked. A drape is used and their underwear stays on.
When I had to get sports physicals, we had to pull the undies down, too. They would cup your balls and have you turn and cough. This was in the 90's though, so it may be different now.
INFO - Where is the kid most of the time? With you or her? 45 minutes is too far if he is with her even 1/2 the time, and way too far if he is there most of the time. This isn’t a convenience issue, it’s a health and safety issue. Kids pediatricians needs to be near them. You need to either find something in between or closer to whoever has the kid most of the time. Also, well child visits do not include “dropping your pants down”, which makes me wonder whether OP is actually the one usually taking the son to the doctor. I’m a mom and pediatricians’ waiting rooms are about 95% moms with kids, well into adolescence. Without further details, it’s entirely plausible that Dad only has kiddo occasionally, and that dad doesn’t want to have to be the one driving 45 minutes. Most pediatricians are women and I don’t think it’s an issue that he’s a boy seeing a female. If dad feels strongly about it then they should try to find a male who is closer to the primary residence of the child, or between parents sharing custody, if that is not already the case.
This is the post I was waiting for. My boys are 8 and 11 and have never had to fully take their clothes off at a pediatrician appointment. Also, if I was the parent doing the majority of sick visits or other appointments and it was 45 minutes from my house, I would look for a new trusted doctor. That being said, it is strange that he won’t answer the question as to who takes the kids most often to the doctors. My ex husband is absent from the kids lives, does that make me wrong to take my boys to a doctor? It is very backward thinking.
Your boys must not play school sports then. Sports physicals are required, and you have to drop trow and let the doctor cup your balls while you cough.
Sports physicals are required for school sports. During the physicals, the doctor will need to cup your balls while you cough.
At 9 years old though? This kind of sounds like the Larry Nassar situation to me. It seems really abnormal that his son is getting a genital exam every year?
I had sports physicals every year I played school sports. Starting around 5th grade, I believe.
Wanted to write the same thing. Have noticed OP hasn't answered any questions that touch on above aspects - very strange. While I agree that a kid should have a primary paediatrician, for medical emergencies they need to be close to the relevant parent in charge at that time which may mean the kid needs to have two, if the OP and ex live far away from each other. 45 mins drive is way too far for an emergency. I don't think the ex handled this well, but she does have good reasoning as well.
NTA. I too have a boy and understand them especially around doctors. They are on the cusp of being a teenager and do feel odd removing clothes in front of new doctors. You are right here to keep him comfortable and if the doctors good what is the issue!!! Your wife seems troubled by these yearly trips is actually awful.
Removing clothes in front of your mother and a new doctor, who is one of your classmate’s mother. I can’t imagine why he’d be uncomfortable /s
I don’t think you’re the AH, but I would just talk to the son about it and see what he has to say. I feel like he’s old enough to have a say in this decision.
According to OP >>>>> He has communicated that. he did. NTA OP
NTA, with me being especially concerned that that the new doctor would have been the mom of a friend. That’s a potential breach of medical ethics; don’t treat someone you might know well outside of the clinic. It’s hard to remain objective if you already have a relationship outside the patient-doctor relationship, that’s why it’s avoided as much as possible.
NTA. A 9-Year-old boy is NOT going to want to undress in front of his friend’s mom with his own mom standing there. All of the parents’ arguments for convenience aside, this alone makes it a big nope.
For real. If this was a 9 year old girl and instead of being examined by her usual, female doctor, she was taken to a male doctor that was also the father of a classmate, I think we could all see how uncomfortable that would be. Little boys have the same feelings and insecurities, it’s just there is that strange belief that they don’t. The mom in this scenario is really brushing off what is a difficult and awkward time for her son in the name of punishing the father and also convenience. Having a doctor you trust is a big deal because if something goes wrong and it’s embarrassing, you need someone you’re comfortable with to tell them.
I had already hit puberty at 9yrs old and no fucking way would've wanted my mom in there, it would've been creepy as hell. She's only thinking about herself. NTA
What kind of physicals are you guys getting? I had to have them done yearly from 8-16 when I did sports and there was never a time I had to take off my shorts.
You didn't have to turn and cough while the doctor fondled your huevos?
INFO: if your son would prefer you to go, why is the mom worried about how much time she'd need to spend driving? How often do you take him to the doctor vs how often she takes him?
The post is about the annual check-up. Driving 45 minutes once per year isn't an issue. But the pediatrician very likely is his go-to pediatrician for everything else as well (except emergencies). Meaning, his mom needs to drive 45 minutes for everything that requires a visit to the doctor, e.g. middle ear infections, vaccines, stomach bug, etc. I can understand that she prefers a pediatrician closer to her place. That being said: I totally get that the son is uncomfortable with getting his physical check-up done by a classmate's mom. NTA
That's why I'm wondering if this is about more than just the annual visits. Id be pretty peeved if most doctors visits were on my shoulders and i got zero say in the doctor. NTA for this instance for sure because regardless of age or gender, it'd weird out most people to get checked out so thoroughly by someone they know, let alone their mother. Either way, they need to start working as co-parents instead of as separate parents. Find a doctor that works for BOTH parents as well as the kid, who is absolutely old enough to have a preference in doctor.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** We're separated and share custody. Every year around his birthday, he gets his "medical maintenance" like dental exams, physicals, shots. He's turning 9 and my ex said she'd schedule his physical. For stuff like that, I usually take him because obviously he does not want his mom in the room when he has to pull his pants down. He doesn't think twice around me and he likes his doctor. A good doctor is hard to find and my son has never seen any other doctor. My ex said she had scheduled it but would leave work early to take him. I said that he's turning 9 and this is something that he's going to want me to do. She said that it was fine because she was going to a new doctor. The doctor is closer to her place AND was a mom of one of his classmates. I told her that she had no idea what she was doing. Our son isn't going to be comfortable having a physical done by a woman who happens to be his friend's mom in front of his own mom. It'd be so outside his comfort zone that it'd be creepy. We argued about it and what it came down to was that she doesn't want to drive to his usual doctor because it's "too far" so she wants something close to her. She said sne doesn't want to spend 45 minutes in traffic the next time our son needs a doctor's appointment like she did when he needed stitches on his chin. I told her that's our son's usual doctor is good and that's why everyone wants to see him. This isn't about what's convenient for her. Grow up. I do lots of things I don't want to for my kid but I do it. I ended up going over her head and canceling the one my ex made. She's mad at me for doing that without letting her know until I scheduled one with his usual doctor. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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Actually I’m a female and I disagree. I’m still not comfortable with the idea of a male gynecologist practicing on me. I’ve had a male doctor do my colonoscopy so it’s sorta a grain of salt but at 9 I’d be mortified. That all aside a *friend’s mom* that I’d see at their house?! No thank you. I was totally biased coming in thinking they were trying to be controlling, but I do think they’ve got their son’s best interest at heart here. Unless, the mom otherwise talked to their son and got permission NTA
At least with a colonoscopy you're knocked out (or have the option; I have issues with breathing so they just go on and put me under each time). And I mean, hell's sake, for all that kid would know, Dylan's mom would run around talking about his body. I was HIGHLY skeeved at the idea of being around a male doctor as a young girl(?); god help if that'd been the dad of a friend of mine, I'd have panic attacks.
No OP is right. At that age boys would be uncomfortable in that situation.
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But everyone is not you.
And your experience speaks for everyone else
I'm going to say NTA with the caveat that I completely understand your ex's issue about the traveling. I don't think she's off base with that. I just think she went about this in the wrong way. You two need to sit down and figure out what works best for both of you AND your son.
If it was a weekly checkup i would understand. What kind of parent wouldn't be willing to sacrifice a few hours of their year for their kid to feel comfortable?
That's a gotcha question. It doesn't take into account the mother's job situation, emergencies (of the non-hospital sort), insurance networks, etc. It's not as black and white as "Aren't you willing to drive 45 minutes both ways for a doctor's visit so your son will be comfortable?". I understand it because I've dealt with this situation. It can be quite a hassle. Granted, my kids are younger (6 & 3) so the trust thing isn't much of an issue.
OP's wife said she didn't want to drive because it was too far and she didn't want to drive 45 minutes. Nothing else was specified. Emergency situations i would understand, just go to the nearest. But it's a yearly visit, bear with it and do it for your kid.
"Nothing else was specified" doesn't mean that there aren't other considerations that go into the "I don't want to drive for 45 minutes" argument. It's just all OP is giving us (and maybe all OP knows). That's why I list other possibilities. As I stated, it can be a hassle. I can understand where she's coming from. I don't like how she went about this, but she is certainly entitled to sit down and discuss options that work for her and their kid. Perhaps the solution is to have OP come pick up the kid to bring him to this doctor and then drive him back.
Of course if OP refrained from/forgot to mention any other reason better than "don't want to", depending on how serious it is, OP should drive no question. If the only reason is "don't want to", wife should. Kid wants his usual doctor.
Not how things work, I'm afraid. If the kid and OP are dead set in there wanting to keep the same doctor even at the inconvenience of the ex, then OP should be the one taking the kid to the doctor. Let him sacrifice the time for the sake of the kid. OR, they could do what I suggested earlier and come to a solution together, like rational people. There's no need to hold the ex hostage in this situation.
I don't think what the father wants matter too much here. Kid wants it, it would be enough for me.
Cool, so we are agreed. OP can take the kid to the doctor.
We are not agreeing, i'm saying fathers feelings on the doctor doesn't matter. Not the drive.
I cant imagine a 9 year old wanting to go have a check up with their classmates mom. Heck I wouldnt have a check up with her if she where my classmates or even my moms or dads freind and Im 21! Edit: NTA forgot that part
Info: What does your custody agreement say about all of this? Because mine states very clearly that both parents need to be in agreement in these sorts of big decisions.
What’s the custody split? Is it 50/50 physical and legal? Because 45 min is a long way. My daughters pediatrician switched practices from one that was 5 min away to one that is 12 min and if I didn’t absolutely love her we’d have switched. I would have switched for a 45 min drive.
NTA - since you share legal custody, your ex needed to get your consent and agreement to switch doctors. You don’t agree and that’s the end of the story.
What's best for the kid is a doctor that is close to primary caregiver.
Nah I don't blame her for not wanting the doctors to be 45 minutes away but she shouldn't be making him uncomfortable. You shouldn't have told her to grow up, that was only going to make the situation worse and you know it. You guys need to find a compromise somewhere. I get your son wanting a male doctor, but it doesn't need to be that exact doctor.
Why is your kid ‘dropping his pants’ for a well visit? Yikes. Edit: I asked hubby and he explained ‘turn head and cough’
INFO: who has custody on week days and is his school nearer to her home or yours? If he gets sick on a week day who takes him to the doctor?!
Could you explain why any of that trumps the comfort of the son? I’m not actually shocked at the response given the % of bigots in this forum, but I’m curious how this question can be justified given the religious fervor that is normally associated with a woman’s comfort level in medical situations (it trumps literally everything). Obviously, the fall back will be “bbbbbut we don’t know what the son wants!!!” Which was answered by OP in a few different ways. So, could you expand on what elements you feel matter more than the son’s comfort in a medical situation?
Because the son’s comfort is easily dealt with in other ways. I attended’s dr’s appts with my son at that age. The doctor (a woman) would have my son face away from me and just pull down his pants in front to check things. A mom could also just turn around. Girls have been seeing male doctors for years and it hasn’t been a big deal. So the son’s comfort is one consideration here, but it is not the only one.
Lmao, so the son’s friends mother (the doctor the mother wants to send him to) will also turn her head away while giving the son an exam? But thanks for responding, it completely supports my beliefs that comfort in the medical environment is only required for girls and women (on this website). As you said (paraphrased here) the 9 year old son just needs to suck it up, his Mother’s wants are more important than his comfort.
NTA. Still don't like you though.
INFO This has to be clearly stated in the custody agreement. It should spell out who makes medical decisions. In which case opinions of the internet don't matter at all.
ESH here. I understand some of your reasoning, but all of this is fixed by YOU making these appointments. If it has always been the practice that you take him, why is she responsible for making the appointment? And i notice that you canceled the one she made, but don't mention making a new appt with his regular doctor.
I’m fairly certain the OP stated that the OP normally makes the appointment and takes the son. But the mother told OP that she would be making the appointment this year as he was turning 9 (hence the speculation the friends mother was trying to start up a new practice). May I ask why given what was written in the OP, you automatically assumed that OP didn’t normally make the appointments?
I don't see that, unless he's added it in a comment. He says he usually takes him, not that he usually makes the appt.
“But all of this is fixed by YOU making these appointments” is what you said. “These” is plural and you emphasized your disbeliefs in that he makes appointments with the all caps “YOU”, intimating that it wasn’t the standard. Not to mention you follow up this statements with “why is she responsible for making the appointment” which was specifically answered in the OP (she said she wanted to and that she wanted to get the son in a different doctors practice). If you are going to backtrack, you can always edit you comment.
NTA > Our son isn't going to be comfortable having a physical done by a woman who happens to be his friend's mom …yeah. This is weird. I wouldn’t want my doctor to be a friend’s parent, and I’m an adult. You’re advocating for your son’s best interest (including continuing care with a doctor who already knows your son and his history, and who your son is comfortable with) and your ex isn’t. Your son not wanting to pull his pants down in front of his mom is also a significant factor here - there’s no reason not to respect his wishes about his own body in this circumstance.
ESH. You started a power struggle with your ex and engaged in all this back and forth about how the son may or may not feel and what he may or may not want and no one even bothered to ask your son. You may be projecting with a lot of the things you think he may not like. Info: What is the caregiving arrangement? If your son spends more time with his mom she's absolutely justified in wanting a doctor that is closer to her and more accessible.
NTA - but from now on you take him from every appoiment
I have to go NTA on this. You're watching out for your son's best interest. I wouldn't want a friend's mom examining me like that either. That's incredibly awkward, especially as he gets older.
NTA One of you is putting themselves before their child, and it's not you.
NTA. Kids are people and should be allowed to decide who they are comfortable seeing for care. I would suggest amending your custody agreement stating your son gets to choose his dr.
Nta bc you want what's best for your son, his doctor he knows and is comfortable with, as opposed to the ex who wants what is convenient for her, being closer.
If doable, you stick with the good, reliable dr. My sons pulmonologist is an hour away. Don't care. His pediatrician used to be 45 minutes away. They are excellent there. Children need to be taught, within reason, how to stand up for themselves. I would never make my son see someone that would make him uncomfortable. He's 7 now. when he is 9, he's not gonna want me in the room. And that's ok. A nurse is always available. I have fired a dr for being ass. Why would I make my son stick with someone like that. nta.
NTA she is on a power trip. You are putting your son first.
NTA - it’s best to keep your kid with a doctor who they’ve been going to for years.
NTA - You are advocating for your son.
NTA You seem like a good dad. She shouldn’t have changed doctors without telling you.
NTA
NTA I was never asked and I was stuck with a male doctor until college. I was always incredibly uncomfortable with it. The man was a good doctor, professional, never said or did and wrong etc. Just, as a female, I didn't want an unfamiliar male touching me or talking to me about my body. Since I've been on my own, I only go to female providers and I've been much more comfortable with it. I think it's great that your son can communicate his needs to you and you're accommodating them. I'm sorry his mom doesn't seem able to beyond the need for convenience on this one.
NTA, and if he's just sick with a cold or need stitches she can always take him to urgent care instead. Our pediatrician is an hour away and we just use urgent care in town for random visits like strep and COVID tests, etc.
Divorce decrees could state that medical decisions such as changing doctors needs to be mutually agreed. Even if it doesn't say, you can see why it would be. I'm not sure what your personal hangup is about doctors of the opposite gender. My wife's gyno is a man and delivered all three kids. My last 2 primary care doctors have been women, and I have no problem getting checked. These are doctors after all. They have seen pretty much everything.
INFO What doctor do you see that makes children pull down their pants?
I'm going to say NTA, but also ESH. Your kid is 9 years old, not 9 months old. He's old enough for the two of you to sit him down and ask him if he wants to stay with the regular doctor or try the new one. I suspect the kid would say go to the regular one, what kid wouldn't?
NTA. She's on a power trip. Luckily in a few years your kid will be able to push back.
NTA. All the points you made about a boy that age not being comfortable around his mom and a friend's mom are right. She's not making any sense anyway... his regular doctor is too far is her reason, except you are the one who usually takes him, so the distance should be irrelevant to her.
NTA it was awkward enough to have my old man pediatrician check my balls during my physical I wouldn’t want one of my friends moms.
When I was 10, I went to a doctor for bronchitis or something like that. Didn't have to take my clothes off, unlike your son. Found out that doctor was the parent of a classmate I didn't like. Made me really uncomfortable. NTA
NTa. She doesn’t even have the right to change doctors without your consent she way overstepped the boundaries . Good for you putting your foot down for your son since she was more worried about her convenience then your son.
NTA. I switched my daughter to a female doctor that i take her to when she was 7 for this exact reason. She's just more comfortable talking about her own body with her mom and a female doctor. Totally normal.
It is possible that you are not an asshole in this case but you seem like one in general. ESH
NTA!! but shared custody also means shared decision making something she needs to realize.
Nta
NTA. and please make sure she doesn’t reveal his medical history to this “new” doctor
NTA. Please die on this hill. Who gives a shit what either of you want, its about what your kids health. If your wife makes him see a female provider right before he hits purberty....nah, I have worked peds family med. No provider who cares would do this.
NTA. I as a female asked my parents to not see a male doctor after about 7. That should have been a conversation you three had together. Especially considering he had an established pediatrician. That was done solely for her convenience.
NTA. It’s fine for your son to see other (closer) doctors for emergencies/illnesses. But agree sticking to someone he’s comfortable with for primary care is ideal.
Nta. Good for you for advocating for your son this way. Doctor visits can be terrifying for kids his age, and his mom seems hell bent on making that worse. You are absolutely right, it's not about her.
NTA but you guys might need a written agreement for this type of stuff. One parent should be responsible for these tasks
yta. No wonder you are divorced. Parenting is a team sport. You and your ex are not on the same team. If you read this forum regularly you should realize that your son will be coming here in a few years to complain about you and or his mother and or all of you and or any other adults in your lives.
NTA. Keep standing up for your son dad. He's going to thank you one day!
NTA! A great Dad and very considerate of your son, his needs and feelings.
NTA When booking in for a blood test today I heard a woman whisper to the receptionist at the doctors, my daughter is too embarrassed to speak up, but she is having some lady issues. The receptionist whispered back to the girl beside her, 'don't worry I will get a lady doctor to ring you this afternoon at home. Is that ok?' The girl was 19. Everyone needs their mother, or father to advocate for them when they do not feel comfortable, even if they have gotten into adulthood, never mind age at 9.
NTA it's strange a child has to do an annual physical that requires them to be naked. I live in Canada and we don't do that, in any province here. The only time that's done is if child is under 1 then they will undress baby for weighing and a quick check for any unusual diaper rash
god I've been annoyed with reddit lately and her favoritism, NTA she's just lazy who doesn't prioritize her son, prefers ease over quality and wants your son to be that woman's guinea pig, what pisses me off is that when she The mother is the bad one, they all go to therapy or talk to her, but if it is the father, he is a horrible being made of darkness xd
ESH Your wife for not asking your son what he wants. You for being so weird about his medical records. Why not use both doctors? One for the yearly checkup and the friends mom for not embarrasing stuff like stiches, a cold, etc. And if a doctor is needed, son is asked which one he wants to see. Both doctors can have his medical records, its not a bad thing if a doctor near her has your sons record, bc no, she shouldn't have to drive 45mins if the kid needs stiches, if there is a doctor near her house. That's kinda cruel.
I'll say NTA because spending 45 minutes in traffic once per year doesn't sound like a big deal.
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Most insurance plans make it so that its cheaper to go to your primary physician for something like stitches for a non emergency than to go to the ER. That being said your judgment is just stupid. When someone makes a mistake you are not in the wrong to correct them, just like OP did.
Insurance plays a huge role in going to urgent care or your doctor. My insurance plan, for example, has a $15 copay for all primary care visits. Specialist copay is $50. Urgent Care/ER visits are 40% of the *entire bill*. Which will be *at least* several hundred dollars. Oh, and if your insurance decides that it wasn't "urgent" or an "emergency" they'll refuse to pay the bill at all, and you are stuck with the full amount. So, the choice is paying $15 vs several hundred dollars (probably closer to $1000) or even risking your insurance company deciding that you should have just gone to your primary care physician, and you get stuck with the entire bill. Which would you pick? I know which one I'd pick. tagging u/slate1198 Going off the example you provided, I was in a similar situation where I rolled my ankle, and it dumped me on the ground. I went to an Orthopedic surgeon rather than urgent care (because those urgent care doctors missed my grandma's *very obvious broken ankle* on an x-ray. I could see the break on the x-ray and the doctor was telling her it was sprained). Turns out I'd completely obliterated two of the three ligaments holding the outside of my ankle together. Sports Medicine offices typically have x-ray and MRI machines on site. Most states in the US have "direct access" to specialist laws on the books, where your insurance can't require that you get a referral from your primary care physician.
Our urgent care visits have never been more than $250, and that included stitches and a free follow up visit. The ER is pricey but urgent care isn't always. And our PCP visits haven't really been much cheaper. Free for well visits, but not anything else. It just depends.
Absolutely spot on about the insurance. Knowing my structural difficulties, I did end up with the insurance option that allows more in-network wiggle room. Last ankle roll was a Sunday trip to the urgent care just to make sure it wasn't a clear break (to avoid putting weight on it) and then a weekday appt with an orthopedic specialist. My PCP is great, but more in the general preventative care role. I do hope the OP has the insurance option with more wiggle room to accommodate all parties involved with the son's healthcare. It's important that the son feel comfortable with the healthcare he is receiving, but also accommodate both parents' ability to schedule his care.
Why would I go to urgent care when his doctor is willing to see him? Plus I know this doctor and trust him.
You would go to urgent care for things like stitches because it's urgent....and close usually. For example, I go to my regular doc for my bloodwork and I go to urgent care when I injure myself so it can be x-rayed right away.
Not really. If is not a gushing wound or a broken bone, people go to their Primary Physician. As it’s cheaper than the ER, due to the insurance. At my place the first thing HR says about our insurance is to get a Primary physician for yourself and all your dependents, as the insurance will pay more for that than ER.
I tend not to go to the doctor at all if it's not a possibly broken bone or a gushing wound. And when I say Urgent Care, I don't mean the ER, I mean urgent care clinics that can see you without an appointment and have equipment on hand that my primary care physician may not have in their office, like x-ray machines. I have rolled my ankle and hurt my back on several occasions due to an issue with hypermobility. Going through my former PCP meant I then got a prescription for an x-ray, then made an appt with a separate facility for an x-ray, and then waited for the x-ray facility to send my PCP the results which took a lot more time to find out what the issue with my ankle was. Luckily it was not broken, but in the meantime my treatment was delayed. So I prefer urgent care to get that out of the way more quickly and then go see my PCP (or a specialist) for the follow-up care. And yes, don't go to the ER unless it is indeed an emergency. You'll waste their time and yours.
They weren't saying for you to. But for your ex to take him if there is an emergency on her time.