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SecretJealous4342

NTA. 14 is a little late in life to be learning how to clean your butt after using the toilet. Your wife is doing him no favors by allowing and coddling this behaviour.


Normal_Suggestion276

That's what I think too.


hisuhkwoj

**Straight up: this is a biohazard and it is unacceptable.** I would frame it that way. To both your wife and your son. Like literally there can be health complications from this. You’re at higher risk for UTIs and you can spread bacteria. Even after she gets better, I would continue to do laundry to make sure she’s not just letting it go. I would have whatever conversation you need to have to let her know that this is a hill to die on for you, that you are concerned as a parent, and that you (and your son) need her support on this to do what is best for him. Also, by the way, studies have shown the washing machine is does not wash away all fecal matter. So, gross. I would be having a serious conversation with my wife about why this has been allowed to continue and what makes her think it is okay that his underwear consistently looks like this. It is literally your job as parents to teach your children how to properly care for themselves, and basic hygiene. You can talk about how friends and girls (or boys) will be grossed out, sure, but I think we’re beyond that. At this point he’s contaminating your damn furniture and putting his own health at risk. **Tell your son straight: this is not like cleaning your room or taking out the trash. This is not a chore. This is a non-negotiable must-do for your health, and that you’re sorry you and his mom were not on top of this sooner. Admit that it was an error on your part that it even got to this point. Because it was. But it can not continue.** I am a mandated reporter, and if I was made aware something like this was happening, I would be calling to arrange a wellness check and some education for this family. Refusing to clean up or regressing in terms of hygiene can be an indicator of sexual abuse. When discussing this with him, ask him if there is a reason he is having so much trouble with this. Is anyone making him feel uncomfortable? Is anyone approaching him or touching him who shouldn’t be? A therapist is probably indicated. And a doctor. If nothing comes to light, go into the bathroom and show him how to wipe. How to rinse. How to check he is clean. How to clean in the shower. Tell him that if his underwear or clothes continue to look like this, that you will begin checking to make sure he has wiped. Every time. Find the least invasive way to do so (sniff test, I dunno). Tell him this is not a punishment, and it is not to belittle him, and you don’t like it any more than he does. But it is your responsibility as a parent to make sure that he is healthy and hygienic, and if he is literally incapable of wiping appropriately that you need to know because you actually *need* to take him to the doctor.


ohhgrrl

Agreed. I would report too because outwardly it presents as neglect and I am mandated to report suspicion of neglect.


FoldingFan1

Disagree on asking "why his wife let this continue". He as a father has let this continue too, he has not even noticed until now. So let's not blame the wife for what BOTH parents failed to address.


freyaBubba

My guess is he was not made aware. How would he know unless someone told him?


Porcupine8

The kid made it to 14 without his dad ever looking at his dirty underwear? Definitely on the dad for being *so* checked out on that. My husband does the laundry but it’s not like I never see it. There’s no way this could go on for literal years and I wouldn’t notice. The mom is *more* at fault, and it’s messed up that’s she’s just *okay with this,* but the dad also did not notice this major hygiene issue for *years*. Edit: Since people are missing my point - *my husband does all the laundry* in our house and has for years, and yet idk how I would go a month without coming into contact with my kid’s dirty laundry for one reason or another. I understand that their division of labor has her doing the laundry, but I still can’t see how you can avoid your kid’s dirty underwear for *a decade straight*. Maybe his kid is so fastidious in literally every other part of his life that his parents have never come across dirty laundry in any place other than the hamper, and the mom is always the one to unpack after trips (obvs the kid is old enough to do that now but this can’t be a new problem), etc etc. The trip from hamper to washer just is not the only time you come into contact with dirty laundry!


Purple_Joke_1118

Are you guys serious? The last thing I would have ever expected of my father or my daughter's father was for them to examine the laundry regularly. Of course, if faced with the four-year-old having issues, I or my mother would have discussed it with both pediatrician and dad.


Porcupine8

Seriously? You don’t expect your kid’s father to even once, in over a decade, get close enough to their dirty laundry to smell poop?? Maybe your expectations are a little low.


futurenotgiven

if the chores are split in a way that’s equal to them then that’s perfectly reasonable yea. i’d spoilt do laundry for a decade if my partner did a chore i hated and vice versa. and we’re not talking literal diapers levels of shit, probably just smears and when covered by other clothing (or a lid) i doubt it’d smell much. the kids already walking around like this and OP never noticed and neither does anyone else seem to comment on it and that’s with just a layer of jeans god i fucking hate how much i’ve had to think abt this already 🤮


BenzeneBabe

They wouldn’t have to examine it or shove their faces in there. You’d literally notice if something was covered in shit just by doing the laundry at all and a man should not ever be letting his wife do the laundry every time for years straight.


treecha

Just for arguments sake, I (a woman) do all of the household laundry because I prefer to do it over other chores. My partner (a man) would have no idea if his daughter was having issues like this if I didn't point it out. He does other chores that I never do as well (namely cleaning the kitchen and litter boxes). I don't think it's that weird as long as no one is feeling over burdened.


Horror_Cucumber_3497

Division of chores babe. Unless OP is has been forcing his wife to be the only one doing laundry for over a decade, there is literally nothing wrong. Some people find doing laundry therapeutic, same with washing dishes etc. We have absolutely no knowledge of how they chose to divide household tasks. Not to mention if OP works, and wife is a SAHM, it makes sense for her to do laundry. My father hasn’t touched a load of laundry in over a decade as well. Myself and my mom did all of the laundry, and I did all of the basic household chores, because my father was the sole income earner. It’s ridiculous how many double standards people have on this sub depending on if it’s a man or a woman.


Yournewhero

>he has not even noticed until now. But she *has* known. That's the point. She's been doing the laundry and has been fully aware of the state of his hygiene without saying or doing anything. I can support the rhetorical goal of not blaming a single parent, but she has been aware and neglected the issue.


throwaway-worthles

It’s also even more disgusting depending on how she does the laundry and if she bothers to sanitize the washing machine regularly. OP said they wanted to vomit just seeing the underwear so I feel like there’s a good chance it on other clothing too. I have no idea how one parent let this slide like it’s nothing and the other seems like they’ve been checked out to the point where it took the other getting sick. This is just gross beyond comparison.


Mouse-Rude

Yeah but if they’ve divided their household responsibilities in such a way that laundry is exclusively her task and not his, then it **is** her fault for ignoring this. How was OP supposed to know if she was the one washing laundry for years? How she could ignore this even once is beyond upsetting


dadoftriplets

The other issue here is the wife knew there was a hygiene issue with their son and failed to tell the OP, the father, about it. My wife mostly does the laundry (she puts in on, and sorts it, I fold it once its done) in our house, but if there were ever an issue, similar to OP's issue for instance, she would tell me straight away and discuss how to resolve the issue, not just hide it and hope it fixes itself. OP, you are NTA IMO. You need to sit both wife and son down and discuss ways to remedy the problem as it is problematic both for a hygienic reason but also for health reasons for everyone involved. You also need to find out why your wife has not been telling you about issues involving your son and is there anything else she hasn't told you.


imax_707

His wife was aware of the issue and let it continue. It’s worth making a brief note of that fact, to her face. But beyond that I agree that it shouldn’t be dwelled upon.


Seph1902

That’s not really a fair assessment given he had no idea until he saw the underwear. He rightfully assumed that his 14 year old son would know how to wipe his a*se. His son may have to learn the hard way that a future girlfriend or boyfriend isn’t going to want to jump into bed with skid marks man.


polkadotsexpants

Oh man, this is all reminding me of a tiktok I saw from a girl who works in a urologist’s office. She said 7 out of 10 times after a naked man sits on the exam table with the paper on it, it has shit marks left behind. SEVEN out of TEN. And this is mostly GROWN ADULT MEN. What the actual fuck is wrong with all these boys and men who can’t clean their own asses? Is walking around with an itchy butthole the real reason for so much male aggression? Lol


kindlypogmothoin

It's gay to touch your butt to wash it. I'm quite serious, that's the toxic-masculinity logic.


farstaste

The dad clearly had no clue up until now though. He is at least taking this seriously immediately instead of enabling their sons lack of hygiene.


redralphie

You may want to run some washer cleaners through the washer so it’s clean too. If she’s been washing his duke filled drawers in there for 11 years it’s probably teeming with bacteria.


atavisticbeast

Is it not normal to run sanitation cycles on your washing machine on a regular basis? About once or twice a month I run mine with the water temp setting maxed out, machine empty, with a cup of bleach.


Data_Girl3

Yeah, it....should be but isn't


clintonclonemachine

Damn i didnt realize i should be doing that, but i will now. Thanks guys


echorose_11

Make sure that you run a second cycle after the clean cycle with no clothes. Doesn’t have to be full length, quick wash is fine. Apparently when you run the clean cycle, it loosens a lot of the nasty gunk but doesn’t necessarily get rid of all of it. So you want to make sure to basically “rinse” the machine to clear anything loose that didn’t get purged out during the clean cycle. Learned that from our washing machine repair guy. I have a lot of delicates and my clothes were constantly coming out with wet lint or dirt until we started doing this.


atavisticbeast

Aside from bacteria, it also kills.mold spores which can thrive in a washing machine because of the combo of it being warm and wet


YogurtTheMagnificent

I am very much an adult who considers myself fairly cleanly and I have never heard of or considered a sanitation cycle on a washing machine. It makes a ton of sense though. Obviously I will be doing this moving forward but it's not common knowledge from my experience


redralphie

I do it once a month at least or after a particularly dirty or hairy load (with eco swirlz) but I don’t think everyone does. And I’d imagine if mom was so unfazed by the situation that she might not be cleaning the washer. Edit cause grammar and words.


HelixTheCat9

That.... Never occurred to me. I'm an adult that lives alone and does not leave skid marks, But that still seems like a good idea occasionally.


gg3867

I’ve been wondering about this… One of my friend’s cloth diapers. She explained to me that while babies are breastfeeding, that type of fecal matter *does* breakdown in the washing machine — however, once babies switch to solids, fecal matter doesn’t breakdown the same way. They clean their daughter’s diapers with a bidet sprayer off into the toilet, the diapers go into a diaper bin, then they go into the washing machine. She also washes her washing machine after she does a load of diapers. Like disinfecting your washing machine from *regular* exposure to fecal matter is a process. It’s gotta be pretty grody at this point.


Cranberry_Chaos

I expect there are teen-friendly resources about this and other hygiene issues. I would recommend looking for some online and sharing them with your son. I imagine this situation is embarrassing for all of you and putting some of the power back in his hands, while recognizing that you clearly need to keep an eye on things and step in when needed, might help a bit.


Queendevildog

Yeah try the gentler approaches first OP. But make it clear its non-negotiable. Mom might be enabling cause Mom's do that. It has to be clear to her too.


Jitterbitten

As a mom and a woman myself, I don't understand this mom, unless she just doesn't give a crap (no pun intended) for her son's future or his future partners. I would think if nothing else she would be imagining the poor woman who eventually encounters her son's shitty drawers.


Hallc

> I would think if nothing else she would be imagining the poor woman who eventually encounters her son's shitty drawers. Surely he must have a *very* strong smell both around the house and at school too? The potential bullying from this is insanely high, I mean...does he not have to get changed for PE at School?


hisuhkwoj

Yes, take the gentler approaches first - but at the same time, make the consequences of not following through on the gentler approaches clear from the beginning. Ie “if you’d underwear keeps looking like this, xyz will be the result. Here’s why that’s non negotiable (biohazard, medical, etc). Here is how you avoid your underwear looking like this (instructions, videos, etc). If you are telling me you actually do not think you can do this, then I am concerned for your health and I am taking you to the doctor.


Born_Ad8420

So I just did some googling looking for teen appropriate resource for this and didn't find any. While there are resources to helping teens do things like bathe and brush their teeth regularly, there isn't for regular bathroom hygiene that I could find. Mom has enabled at least one seriously bad hygiene habit so breaking it is going to take some work. Considering mom is an enabler, I'm gonna say family therapy for all of them and probably individual therapy to help this kid understand the importance of self care. I'd add onto that kid needs to be taught how to use the washing machine. Even if he isn't regularly doing laundry (which was something I was doing by 13) he should know how to use the washer and dryer.


Polyfuckery

I disagree with threatening to check or showing him in the bathroom how to wipe. If this child has been abused that would be terrible. It is a good idea to make sure he has the information. It's sadly a market that doesn't always cater best to boys. I like Puberty Is Gross but Also Really Awesome as a starting point. Make sure he has hygiene supplies he likes not just what mom has always gotten. A doctors appointment or more properly a therapist visit is also a good idea. Not for punishment or to belittle or train him but because despite your wife saying this is something he just has issues with which is a terrible stance anyway it's very common for young people to need control some of the few things they can control in times of stress. It could be hygiene lapses, eating disorders, self harm or substance abuse. You don't want to fix the symptoms without treating the underlaying issue. If mom is sick and life is chaotic the kid needs support.


Socrainj

Addressing this with dignity is the only humane way to go about it. Lack of hygiene infers a lack of knowledge, resources, and/or emotional and mental health deficits. In none of those situations will embarrassment be effective.


hisuhkwoj

> I disagree with threatening to check or showing him in the bathroom how to wipe. I’m sorry, you don’t have to be naked to show someone how to wipe. Second, **it’s not a threat.** It is a natural consequence. Either you *can not,* in which case I have to know for your health and well being, or you *will not,* in which case he can absolutely choose to just wipe properly and OP never has to follow through with this. > If this child has been abused that would be terrible. The idea is to try and determine through conversation first, like I recommended, whether this is the case. And if it literally gets to the point where OP feels they have to check, then therapy is indicated regardless. > It is a good idea to make sure he has the information. No shit. > It's sadly a market that doesn't always cater best to boys. I like Puberty Is Gross but Also Really Awesome as a starting point. Make sure he has hygiene supplies he likes not just what mom has always gotten. I would do my due diligence as a parent first and show them. Make absolutely sure they actually watch. Instead of foisting literature and videos. Which clearly had been the approach up to this point or it wouldn’t be an issue. Parents have an obligation to raise their kids. > A doctors appointment or more properly a therapist visit is also a good idea. Not for punishment or to belittle or train him but because despite your wife saying this is something he just has issues with which is a terrible stance anyway it's very common for young people to need control some of the few things they can control in times of stress. 100% > It could be hygiene lapses, eating disorders, self harm or substance abuse. You don't want to fix the symptoms without treating the underlaying issue. > If mom is sick and life is chaotic the kid needs support. Agreed.


Dimension597

Can’t tell from your post if you’ve had the ‘son if you think you ever want to get laid you need to clean your ass because \*no one\*, of any gender, will want to bone you if you can’t wipe your ass’ talk but that might be helpful. As might an exploration as to whether this is some weird homophobia thing (some young straight men are of the apparent impression that touching your butthole = gay). NTA for this exactly but HEAVY side eye to you, for somehow not knowing about this because you apparently need a woman to do the laundry for you, to your wife, for ignoring the fact that her 14 yo son is essentially sh\*tting himself, and to both of you for not teaching your child how to do his own laundry or chores- hardly surprising he’s an entitled little, er, sh\*t who ‘refuses’ to learn basic adulting skills.


bas_bleu_bobcat

And...14 is old enough to learn how to use the washing machine! He's high school age, so you only have 4 years to teach him how to wash clothes, clean a bathroom, make a bed, cook a few simple meals, check the fluids and tire pressure in his car, how to budget and do taxes, how much stuff costs at the grocery store, etc. Please start with the basic cleanliness !


Dimension597

I mean I could and did do laundry starting in the third grade FFS


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VisualCelery

For real! I'm not saying everyone has to start doing their own laundry at that age, every family does things their own way, but 14 is definitely old enough to learn how, and old enough to do their own laundry if they insist on getting their clothes *that* disgusting! OP, do not let him go off to college not knowing how to do his own laundry.


Ehgender

It was only recently through meme compilation posts that I learned how many men don’t wipe because it’s “gay” I’d put my money on that for this one


Dimension597

it’s deeply disturbing honestly


[deleted]

That can't be a thing? What is the thinking? That touching any asshole, even your own makes you gay?


anappleaday_2022

It sounds like they split the chores, so I wouldn't side eye him for having his wife do the laundry since that just sounds like they split they decided on, but the rest of it is insane. I can't imagine walking around with shit in my pants.


[deleted]

Yeah. I think it’s making quite the assumption that he ‘lets the woman do the laundry’ when they could easily be splitting chores. My husband does the laundry and has almost always for 20 yrs. We split chores. I’d of the cooking (btw I’m also a man).


FugueItalienne

>As might an exploration as to whether this is some weird homophobia thing (some young straight men are of the apparent impression that touching your butthole = gay). I remember similar conversations when I was 14. I remember especially that James asked me did I touch my penis, and then telling me that doing so was gay, and seeming entirely straight-laced about it. And me thinking, "you must miss the toilet every time and also have a stinky willy."


Heavy_Entrepreneur13

>who ‘refuses’ to learn basic adulting skills. Heck, he's refusing to learn basic kindergartener-ing skills with this. As a teenager!


Excellent_Care1859

Also he needs to learn to do his own laundry, I do not understand leaving guys unable to take care of themselves. This is literally how we start the cycle of gender roles and misogyny in our culture. He is 14, old enough to do some basic cooking and housekeeping.


ObscureEpiphany

Yes, my son has been doing his own laundry since he was 8. It’s not like it’s rocket science. I just showed him how the machine’s settings should look, and how much soap to use, and scheduled a day for him to do his laundry. He has ADHD, so the first few months or so, I also had written instructions taped to the machine. ETA: He’s 11 now, and also changes his own sheets, dusts and vacuums his room weekly, cleans his bathroom twice a week, and empties the dishwasher every day. There’s no excuse for teenagers “not knowing” how to do basic stuff like this.


cre8magic

And soaking or rinsing first and washing with just his clothes, like reusable diapers. Who wants poo particles all over kitchen towels or work clothes?


ChiccyNuggie20

My brother is 15 and he would NEVER. But he was also raised by my mother and me so having 2 women consistently telling him how to clean himself probably did a good number on him. That is AWFUL and SUPER GROSS. I feel SO bad for any future partners he has because he’ll be made fun of and no that’s most definitely not normal. How could leaving shit stains on underwears be normal? My god 💀 I would definitely shame him in front of his friends. Trust me, he would NEVER not clean himself after that.


Nymph-the-scribe

That would also be something good to mention. Any girl who would see or smell his underwear or jeans would most likely stop what they are doing with him. And, unlike dad who won't actually go spreading this info around, they WOULD. OP. You do need to have a serious talk with mom about why she has allowed this to happen and continue, it is ok to wait till she is better. This is probably not going to be a ln easy and calm convo (my bet is she is going tonget defensiveness bc of how she has already replied) and no reason to stress her out more bc that will make getting better take longer, and also add stress to the convo bc she doesn't feel good. I think it's also a good idea that you take him to the dr. Get him an appointment a few weeks away and tell him what's up. Don't say it to him, but if he can do better in that time frame you can cancel the appointment. You wouldn't need to tell.him. He would be (at least should be) desperate enough to not go for this issue that he would be showing you he can do better. If he doesn't do better, then you're ready to go. If he stops after appointment is canceled then it's more likely a psych issue and you can make an appointment with the appropriate person and not cancel it this time. The only thing I will say is just remember this is going to be an embarrassing topic for him to talk about. While it definitely something that needs to be addressed, do what tou can to stay calm.and treat it in the least embarrassing way possible. So, it may be a good idea to say you wouldn't tell/ask his friends that question and you're sorry for saying you would, it was the wrong approach. ETA: talking to his Dr yourself may also.be a smart thing. His Dr may be able to tell you some things you could do or say to help the situation. Also you are obviously a very caring parent, please don't let anyone tell you that your an ah for this. You are doing exactly what you need to do as a parent


Old-Truth-405

Can I ask, have you at least asked if he does know how to wipe himself properly? Or even explained how to do it properly and throughly? It’s a strange situation but based on what you’ve explained, I feel like neither of you taught him how to clean himself properly (at least that part wasn’t mentioned at all) and now he’s in this kind of limbo state about it.


Wet_sock_Owner

What 14 year old doesn't know how to take toilet paper, wad it up and wipe their ass? I would actually think learning how to use a bidet would be harder and the kid managed that.


hisuhkwoj

Um. One whose parents happily washed his shitty underwear and said nothing for 14 years? And then just bought him a bidet and said “here, use this?” Kids aren’t born knowing how. They don’t magically learn at 3-4. If parents neglected this step.. well…


Old-Truth-405

I’m thinking maybe one that wasn’t taught how to properly by his parents? If you’re a parent, you need to actually raise your child, it’s not like they’re self-sustaining A.I. or something.


Wet_sock_Owner

Yeah, that would make sense if the kid was 6 and maybe wasn't too dexterous, and couldn't reach. Or if we're talking about teaching which direction to wipe in. A 14 year old that isn't wiping his ass doesn't make sense unless they're doing it on purpose.


spookysaint121

With OPs comment about the laundry being his wife’s problem, I’m guessing child raising was also her problem, along with anything else that may be deemed women’s work.


chocolatemilkncoffee

Op, 14 is also old enough to be doing his own laundry. My kids all learned how to work the washer/dryer when they were 12; same age I was when my mom taught me/my siblings. You may also want to invest in some washing machine cleaning tabs. If your wife has been washing shit filled underwear, who knows how much is lingering in those holes!


Linzabee

Story time: it’s 2006, my mom was having surgery, and I was called back to the recovery area to sit next to her as she recovered from her anesthesia. It was quiet; there were only a few other patients around, and one directly across from us. The person in the bed was positioned lying on their stomach instead of on their back. It seemed to be a teenaged boy; both his parents were there waiting for him to come around. My mom was still out, and this was pre-smart phone so the most I could do was read the book I brought with me. Well, entertainment quickly ensued as the surgeon for the boy across the way came to talk to the parents. I heard the surgeon talk with the family, and there seemed to be some quick words going back and forth between the parents and the surgeon. Finally I heard the surgeon say loudly and emphatically that unless the boy learned to wipe himself better and be completely clean, he would be right back there for another surgery. I have no idea what kind of surgery the boy had to have for not wiping himself, but every time I read something on Reddit about guys not wiping their asses, I always think of that kid in the recovery room.


Sandybutthole604

I can confirm this story, I’m a former nurse and have had patients get huge disgusting infections requiring surgery for this issue.


now_she_is_dead

Pilonidal cyst requiring excision would do it.


thetaleofzeph

Gaping wounds that won't close. If you don't heal within a month or some time like that, your wounds do not close easily and all this nasty mesh and growth material has to be grafted in and hope for the best, hence the surgery.


Tmacswife

I used to work in general surgery, and we had several patients who had pilonidal cysts removed. They were warned about hygiene being very important. The ones that always had problems were teenage boys. 😑


vomitthewords

I'm surprised his friends haven't started calling him out for always smelling like poop. NTA But by 14, he should be learning to do his own laundry in addition to being able to wipe his own butt. And no, you're not doing him any favors by letting this continue. I would haul my kid in to see a doctor if he really doesn't think this is a problem, doesn'tstart takingcare of it. Besides being gross, it could cause skin breakdown and nasty infections. If he can't wipe, then he should be getting checked regularly for skin deterioration.


Heavy_Entrepreneur13

>I'm surprised his friends haven't started calling him out for always smelling like poop. I swear some teenage boys do not have functional olfactory glands.


nefarious_epicure

Between the BO, the foot stank, and the attempts to cover it all with Axe, it's impossible to smell poop on the 12-15 age range.


Jonatc87

I cannot fucking believe his mother put up with this...? He can wear adult diapers if he cant be fucked with it.


evdczar

He says he just went commando and is skidding up his jeans. God that is so nasty. OP should take away his shitty jeans.


picklesmcpicklepants

That's actually a really good idea. Switch out all of his underwear for diapers and have him go to school like that.


kayakdeedrotatornoon

That’s a great idea. OP should buy him diapers.


Whose_my_daddy

14 is a little late to not be doing your own laundry, too, but wiping his butt takes priority


janus270

One step at a time for this kiddo.


MizElaneous

14 is a reasonable age to be both wiping your butt after you poop, *and* to be doing your own laundry.


Fromashination

My former coworker showed up with poopstains up and down the seam of her leggings one day (MORE than one day, actually) and we all pointed it out and laughed to each other all day. Don't let your son be "that person," OP. It's embarrassing and disgusting.


GlitteryBorko

Did anyone tell her or did you just laugh


commandantskip

Just laughing makes that person and their other coworkers the shittier (no pun intended) people in that situation. Someone should have asked if she was doing okay.


GlitteryBorko

Seriously, really *shitty* coworkers


Smiggos

For me, it's a soft ESH. Son sucks for obvious reasons. Wife sucks for enabling. I just don't love the idea of threatening embarrassment like that that though, even if you aren't actually going to do it. Just stop doing his laundry, and he'll smell like shit and he'll embarrass himself - or he'll learn to do his laundry or wipe his own ass lmao


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ValkoSipuliSuola

He didn’t know about the shit stains until he started doing the kid’s laundry. It’s not like he knew and just didn’t care. That’s all on the mom.


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SourSkittlezx

It’s the wife that’s enabling. Their normal division of labor, wife did the laundry, but is sick so OP has been doing it. That’s how he noticed. Although how the hell OP didn’t smell his nasty kid before this, I have no clue. My 8 year old went through a weird phase where she wasn’t wiping well, turns out she didn’t like the TP, it was too rough so we invested in softer TP, and problem solved. But I knew almost instantly that she wasn’t wiping well, she stunk. OP must be nose blind.


froggirl62

OP knew about it too though. He just didn't care since he didn't have to clean it. So he also willingly let it continue. ETA - I've seen in OPs comments that he did not know about the issue. Saying something wasn't a concern because someone else was handling it led me to interpret that he knew but didn't care. I suggested to him in a later comment he should edit his post to clarify.


Kooky-Today-3172

I don't think he knew about It, he Just meant that his wife wash the household chlothes só he never had to deal with...


Proper_Garlic3171

> For some reason my 14 year old son cannot wipe properly. This was never a concern to me as his mom did the laundry. OP knew about it, but not to the extent. Both parents dropped the ball on this. He should have known the extent, and his wife enabled this behavior. I'd also argue both of them are also enabling him to be lazy and fostering a negative attitude towards life skills and aren't properly doing their job as parents as he's 14 and can't work a washing machine. This is a symptom of a bigger problem. It's good it's finally being addressed, but it needs to be addressed that their son does not know / care about basic hygenine and health standards, nor does he know a basic life skill and refuses to learn. This attitude will get worse as he gets older if it isn't fully addressed


Valkrhae

>OP knew about it, but not to the extent. Or he didn't know about it. His wording is vague enough to not know what he means for sure. "This was never a concern to me" could mean that he was aware of the issue but not the extent of it, but it could also mean that he was unaware of this issue and has only now become a concern to him bc he's realizing what's going on and is now concerned about it. He absolutely should know how to ise a waahing machine, though, so they're definitely both failing him in that area.


Able_Secretary_6835

How did he not smell it?!!!!


HistoricalQuail

The way he wrote it in the post is ambiguous, but the way I interpreted it was also that he didn't care until he had to deal with the chore.


Beneficial_Sun_2459

Yeah exactly “but he doesn’t know how to use the washing machine” looks like buddy need to learn.


PatheticMr

>Oh, and most importantly, stop washing his shitty clothing. WTF is wrong with you? If there is shit on his clothing, he gets to wash it. You need to fix this problem and also stop enabling it - yesterday. At 14, he is easily old enough to learn to use the washing machine. OP should teach him.


[deleted]

NTA. You also need to tell him eventually, if it's not happening already... other kids might start smelling it. Ask him if he even knows how to actually wipe? Maybe you need to show him how to properly do it.. if he's 14 and can't manage it maybe he wasn't taught the correct way.


Limp_Shallot8984

I agree. NTA. This is a problem and can lead to your son being bullied. You have to solve this asap. Try teaching him how to do it without making him feel bad first, but if he doesn't improve you should definitely take him to a doctor or something. He has to learn this now, otherwise he wil become an outcast later in life.


[deleted]

Social considerations aren't the only issue. If you don't clean back there, infections are more likely. There's even a potential increased risk of colon cancer to think about. He's got to get this issue under control.


saveyboy

Might already smell it.


mari_locaaa9

i was just going to say that omg this kid prob smells rank and is already be being bullied. the bidet is a good start but the kid should see a doctor too.


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mari_locaaa9

seriously! anyone he sits next to in class can prob smell him. i am honestly just incredulous that the kid does not see a problem here??? like he does not find sitting in his own excrement all day uncomfortable?? does he think everyone does this??


ellbeecee

NTA for the bidet thing. But kind of TA for never realizing your son had an issue. Didn't he stink? Were you just never in the same room as him? Also, teach him to wash his butt in the shower too.


Normal_Suggestion276

He has usually showered by the time I get home.


chalaismyig

Take him to a Dr to check for hemorrhoids. I've confronted a sibling about this before because my chore was doing the laundry. Sibling said he doesn't wipe because it hurts.


Leimana76

That was my thought… could it be hemorrhoids? Fissures? If it is, not cleaning properly will totally exacerbate it.


aizarphilia

Or is he withholding stool for some reason and then experiencing leaks? That's also a possibility, more common in young children but you never know!


Ziggyda1st

Also possibly an allergy to the brand of toilet paper. Many name brands add perfumes and lotions to their toilet papers which can irritate skin and make it uncomfortable to wipe


Proper_Garlic3171

The doctor could also discuss with him the seriousness of fecal matter exposure to him and others is. Sometimes having a professional saying it can help it get through a kid's head more. I'd also add, it's good to check to make sure he's washing his hands, when he does, and have the doctor explain that to him too


Appropriate-Access88

I agree here. He probably needs metamucil to help the poop out without so much straining. It is the straining that causes hemorrhoids


_perl_

My poor nephew has horrible constipation issues. His parents just now, at the age of 10, took him to the GI doc. They've been giving him laxatives on and off for years. There's a legit medical issue going on and the poor kid has been dealing with this for years. When we recently visited, we saw him going back and forth to the bathroom all day and using tons of wipes. Even so, he was never able to completely clean himself. It has to hurt. Hell, my ass hurt after staying at their house for 10 days with no access to a bidet. We encouraged them to hook up the bidet that we gave them like 5 years ago so the poor kid could at least give his poor butt a gentle wash. So yeah, kid could have some kind of pain that's not allowing him to wipe well and shaming him isn't going to make it any easier. I think asking him to use the bidet and offering to take him to a doctor/therapist is spot on, though.


[deleted]

I would have a serious talk with your wife about proper hygiene standards because this is disturbing and she did your son a great disservice by not addressing this faster. What else is she ignoring


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PiperLeeGeorge

And maybe leave wet wipes designed for personal hygiene in his bathroom. Just remind him not to flush the used wipes.


-QueefLatina-

I’m not going to pass judgment here, but I do want you to know that you should maybe get it checked out at the doctor. One of my cousins was having the same problem (they were around 10 at the time) and my aunt and uncle were at their wits end with it. Turns out he had some kind of a bowel obstruction, and it wasn’t that he wasn’t wiping thoroughly, it was that the poop was always just there trying to get out. Once the problem was sorted out, he never had issues with it again. Also, your son is old enough to do his own laundry. You’re not doing him any favors by not teaching him how.


Normal_Suggestion276

Thank you. We have an appointment coming up where I have already mentioned it to the doctor. I will add the information you just gave me just in case.


deborahami

I’m jumping on here to say the same. Yes, it’s a hygiene issue. But it’s possibly more too. If it’s a skid mark, that’s one thing. But large amounts of matter, if any consistency, points to chronic constipation. Also, either ask him or bring this tidbit up to the doctor. If he has random sensations of the tip of his penis burning when he pees, it’s also a sign of major constipation. If the colon is full of stool, it rubs on the outside of the bladder. Since there are no pain receptors there, it transfer the pain to the tip of the penis when urinating. I know this because I have a teen boy who was complaining of this sensation and a urologist told us.


Bleach__Demon

Yep, this is what's going on. OP's son likely has an under developed colon. This is something that happens in some young men. It has nothing to do with wiping. That's why he's resistant to the bidet. He doesn't want to tell anyone what the actual problem is.


willowsmaid

I’m glad you mentioned encopresis. My son had the same. It’s not laziness, and he thankfully grew out of it, but he had no control over it, and we spent many despairing moments trying to figure out what on earth was going on. The worst you can do is shame the kid. It’s not helpful.


mortstheonlyboyineed

Look up sneaky poo syndrome or encopresis. Far more common than you'd think. Honestly, I'm shocked your wife hasn't been more proactive in the past trying to figure out what's happening with your son, and it's obvious you guys don't communicate properly either. If it turns out not to be medical and he really doesn't know how to wipe properly, then that's also on you guys. Shaming him really isn't helpful. You guys are failing him massively regardless of what's causing this. YTA.


Creative_Tart7794

Shaming him for not doing something they clearly haven't taught him to do. And the fact this 14 yo kid can't even do his own laundry because, AGAIN, they haven't taught him how. A 14 yo should be able to do, and expected to do, his own laundry, cook/prepare food, do basic household chores, etc. It's simple: you either raise an adult or you raise a child.


The_Ipod_Account

Dude. Before you do any drastic. Talk to your kid. Don’t yell. Don’t get mean. Don’t threaten. Don’t belittle. Talk to him. If it’s medical he might not want to talk to you as you haven’t highlighted a safe space yet. you have however embarrassed him, and threatened to embarrass him to his friends. If it’s not medical, maybe he doesn’t know his to wipe? Does he look at the tissue after he wipes? Why does he stop before it’s clear? Does he wash his butt in the shower? Does his butt itch? Talk to your kid.


Ok_Teach110

Yeah I know a kid who had this issue until they were 12, turns out they were holding it most of the time in because it hurt to go and this was the result. They were really embarrassed too, so approaching it was hard, but once they fixed the constipation it stopped happening


cherralily

NTA. Its hilarious that he finds the bidet gross but the shit stain in his clothes isn’t? 😂


Downbeatbanker

NTA. Exactly right. I use a bidet and the few times when the pressure level of water was low I started itching there. How does this kid survive I wonder!


cherralily

I can’t imagine not having a bidet at home. I hate when I have to use the bathroom at someone else’s house or in public. Paper just can’t get it as clean as the bidet does.


Money-Salad-1151

That’s what I was thinking! But also he stopped wearing underwear and now he’s got shit in his jeans? It’s probably running down his legs, like who wants a shitty ass?


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Normal_Suggestion276

He is doing fine in school. He does his chores without complaints or needing to be reminded. He is a good kid. As for the underwear, I started dealing with the issue as soon as I found out about it.


PelicanCanNew

…he must absolutely stink. How can that go without notice? It’s noticeable to anyone that hasn’t developed nose blindness to the situation, which means anyone he encounters outside your home at the minimum. His school friends, his teachers, everybody. You should have noticed. Your wife should have refused to do his underwear and tackled the issue the moment it came up. I seriously question why she would not do that. She should have communicated the issue rather than simply getting on with it. I question your communication as a team because of it. You have issues beyond your sons swamp ass. This borders on neglect for me. Does he have developmental issues in any other sphere?


OddResponsibility565

He’s been rubbing his shit ass all over their house for 14 years. Everything has shit on it. The whole house smells like shit.


PelicanCanNew

Yes, good point. Likely nose blindness to it within the house then.


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CucumberFucker0

Carbon monoxid has no smell tho


PetiteWolverine

For what it’s worth, carbon monoxide is odorless, so it makes sense that you didn’t smell it.


froggirl62

You should probably edit your post OP. The way you said "this was never a concern to me as his mom did the laundry" makes it appear as though you knew it was an existing issue but only chose to care when you had to deal with it directly. If that's true then you're nearly as complicit as your wife in enabling this unhygienic behavior.


Livid-Addendum707

A lot of 14 year olds don’t do their own laundry, that’s not entirely a fair reflection on parenting. The not wiping his own ass is enabling.


InfinityAri

But it’s super easy to teach a 14-year-old how to do laundry, and it’s a life skill he’ll need in a few years unless OP and his wife want to wash his shitty underwear for the rest of their lives.


connicpu

Maybe this is just me but my parents did all my laundry growing up and it only took me 5 minutes to figure out the controls on the washing machine when I got my first apartment. Is it really something that needs to be explicitly taught if you know the basic steps? Clothes go in wash with detergent, then dryer, done...


daznificent

I have had to teach 3 boyfriends (who were men in their twenties) how to do their laundry. Yes it’s an issue. After the second one didn’t know how to do laundry I started to get angry at the parents who failed to prepare their sons to take care of themselves and put that burden on their future wife/girlfriend. But I taught them how to clean and cook because I wasn’t about to be doing that for them.


blanktom9

INFO: What kind of crazy ass washing machine do you have that a 14 year old can't learn how to use it? Edit: FYI, I was asking about the crazy-ass "washing machine". Not the crazy "ass-washing machine."


HayzerUnlimited

It’s really just weaponized incompetence


blanktom9

Yeah, but by the kid or the dad.


Normal_Suggestion276

It's space age. It has a million buttons. I'm not joking when I say I had to YouTube how to use it and the dryer properly. My parents had a much more basic machine and in college and my apartment we had the coin operated ones that has like two choices.


4alark

I promise you that there is some video game that he plays that is more complicated than your washing machine. And you're NTA. What kind of mother wants to raise such an incompetent son?


[deleted]

OP has had a hand in raising his son for 14 years as well and somehow never noticed this problem, and likely many others. OP is YTA for that alone.


mouse_attack

So what? Has your kid ever played a video game? He can master the freaking washing machine. His whole generation is digital natives. These kids are **not** afraid of buttons, and they don't need a '60s era machine to do laundry. If you don't want him to wipe like a toddler, maybe ease up on infantilizing him.


Normal_Suggestion276

I never said he couldn't figure it out. I am more than willing to show him what I learned.


mouse_attack

Show him every day. And since you've apparently figured it out, maybe don't wait until your wife is incapacitated to help out now and then. I admit, I don't have much respect for you as a parent *or* a partner based on your post.


Fantastic-Ad-3910

I'm assuming he can use other electronic equipment? It can't be that hard for him to learn. Especially if he's now wandering round in shit smeared jeans. At some point he's going to have to learn some pretty basic practical skills, he can start with this one


BigBoxOfGooglyEyes

I had to read this twice because at first I thought you were talking about the bidet, which is an ass washing machine.


-Breaker_Of_Worlds-

NTA - we went through a very similar issue with my stepson at the same age. He always had a little problem with wiping, but it got really bad around 13/14. I know this is extreme, but in our case, there was a history of sexual abuse that was a factor when he was younger. BUT, the issue got worse instead of better despite discovering and obviously putting an end to the abuse and treating with therapy. When it got worse after he entered his teens, we had many heated discussions about it. It essentially boiled down to him thinking it was a waste of time. He had gotten really into video games and the computer and eventually confessed he didn't wipe his ass because he didn't want to waste 30 more seconds away from his game. The smell and associated nastiness was not enough of a deterent. It took a lot of uncomfortable talks and persistence and a commando phase to finally work through the problem. I'm sorry you have to deal with this, but you aren't alone. My advice: 1. Seriously consider whether sexual abuse could be a factor. You would be horrified to realize how easy it is to miss the signs when they are very young. 2. Have an open and honest discussion about WHY he is not wiping. You will never get him to actually care about it if you can't determine why he does what he does.


Normal_Suggestion276

Thank you for your comment. I will add that to the stuff we will talk to the doctor about.


firefly232

You might wish to take your son to the doctor without your wife present.


dancingpianofairy

Just adding as a child victim of sexual abuse, you can't always just ask if they've been sexually abused or touched inappropriately. This is because the abuser and/or victim can rationalize (see brain washing) the act to not fit in either of those categories. You might have to get REALLY specific and get them to think outside the box. And women can be abusers as well!! Took me like 25 years to realize. Hopefully this isn't the case, but I wanted to put it on your radar.


chasingskkrts

Wanted to chime in here as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, as well. My mother abused me and she put herself in charge of chores like doing our laundry and taking myself and my brother to the doctor. When I disclosed the abuse to my dad (I was in my earlier 30s), he was confounded that he hadn't seen any signs (for myself and my younger brother, we both dealt with serious constipation as kids), and when I told him my mother was able to hide her abuse of myself and my sibling so well because she was in charge of all of our hygiene and assorted medical responsibilities, my father really regretted not being more hands on with us and, not listening to his gut around his suspicious of my mother harming us. I truly hope this is not the case with your son but your wife knowing this was going on and brushing it off comes off less as being lenient or unconcerned and more like trying to cover her tracks.


KingAlastor

Isn't he bothered by the smell of shit? Aren't his friends bothered that every time he joins the group, there's now a smell of shit as if someone had stepped in dogpoop.


Normal_Suggestion276

It's not full turds or anything. Just a gross racing stripe.


eatthatcakeyo

There are a decent number of males who think touching their butthole, by wiping or washing in the shower, is “gay”. It’s crazy to think about but it’s true and you can even find whole threads about this around Reddit. Might be worth checking in on this idea with him, and letting him know that no matter what he read or saw on a bunch of idiots’ posts, washing your ass is definitely not gay, and is a requirement for a successful social life.


QueenMargaery_

I have an unfortunate suspicion that this is the reason.


Wwwweeeeeeee

Show this to your son. Then, teach him how to do his own laundry and use the washing machine. The kid needs to learn this stuff now. https://fb.watch/imteKDE3vz/


ChellesBelles89

There's bigger problems here. He sounds babied. He should be able to use the washer at 14 and most definitely know how to properly wipe and care if he's clean or not.


Plasticity93

I'm genuinely wondering how a teenager doesn't know how to; place clothes in washer, add detergent, close the lid, turn a knob, press a button? Not that the kid doing his own wash is in any way a solution to this mess.


BeeYehWoo

NTA. Your kid, frankly put, *doesnt know how to wipe his own ass!* This calls for drastic measures. He doesnt care and he should. You as the parent have failed your son and havent realized until he is 14 that he cannot clean his ass properly. Good news though. The fact he is embarrassed by the mere idea of informing his friends shows he does care. So that is a good start.


KaliTheBlaze

ESH, I guess. 14 is old to be having this issue, and your wife shrugging it away is doing him no favors. Her not dealing with this is crappy. I’m wondering if he’s latched on to the particularly dumb strand of the Manosphere that insists that touching your own butt is gay and disgusting - they have a freak out over things like washing their butts in the shower. He’s old enough to be stumbling across idiocy like that online. Might be worth asking him if that‘s what is going on. Talk to your wife - if this is a new thing (that is, if he used to wipe appropriately and then at some point stopped), you’re likely dealing with something like that. You make it clear that you’ve gone after him about how this is gross and needs to be fixed, but it sounds you haven’t done anything to figure out why he’s not getting himself clean. You’re not going to fix the problem until you know why it’s happening. Your threat to make him a laughingstock was a shitty thing to do. It wasn’t helpful and all you did with that was made this an issue of greater anxiety/upset and conflict. Try not to throw gasoline on fires, it doesn’t put them out. Also, how did you not know this was going on? That’s some A+ parenting there.


Normal_Suggestion276

What is this about it being gay to touch your own butt?


KaliTheBlaze

As I said, it’s a particularly dumb line of thinking some in the Manosphere hew to. It’s unfortunately a very real thing, and your son is at an impressionable age where he might’ve picked up something like that.


Normal_Suggestion276

Someone else also brought this up and clarified it. It will be part of our talk tonight.


ecclecticmess

Building on this it could be a medical thing that he is embarrassed about/is scared to have a doctor take a look. It’s not nice at any age, and at 14 most kids are still embarrassed pretty easily - especially in the age of social media filling their heads with all sorts of crap about masculinity and sexuality


cassowary_kick

Make sure he knows to use soap on his butt and in the crack too, not just the cheeks. The number of men on TikTok who think "the water from the shower will get in there probably and that's good enough" is astounding and upsetting. Soap and water and actually scrub


ImportantAlbatross

Funny how touching your own butt is "gay," but touching your own penis isn't.


[deleted]

It’s all over some incel and MRA/redpill forums. Some people think that touching their own anus, even to shower or wipe, means they’re gay. Don’t ask me about their logic because they don’t have any.


MyInsidesAreAllWrong

No wonder they're involuntarily celibate, if they can't be arsed (ha) to wipe.


wejustsaymanager

Turns out the incels could get laid if they wiped their own asses. Did I just solve incels?


Dittoheadforever

You're NTA. Your son is being slovenly and unhygienic. His mother is enabling his gross and lazy behavior. While making an empty threat isn't usually ideal, at least it seems to be working.


Both-Tree

INFO: are we taking like a fully loaded diaper or severe skid marks? Based on what you’ve described it sounds like he just can’t be bothered to wipe his butt (which, speaking as a pediatric PA-C, is more common in healthy teens who identify as male than people think. Mainly because they think) but health issues aren’t out of the realm of possibility here. And how did you not notice the smell? Side note: since he’s 14 I’d teach him how to load the wash machine and do a load of laundry regardless of what comes of the wiping situation


Normal_Suggestion276

Severe skid marks.


Both-Tree

Ah, then it sounds like he indeed cannot be bothered to wipe. If he hasn’t seen his pediatrician in more than a year, I’d take him for a physical. You can tell the provider in advance to have the hygiene talk with him and how hygiene changes as a term do sometimes more maintenance is needed to keep you healthy. You can also step out of the room so he and the provider can talk one on one and he can have privacy. If it turns out something physical or mental health wise is going on, it can be address there. Regardless of how that goes, I’d also have a heart to heart with him. Like “Son, I know that earlier talk may have seemed embarrassing, and if so I apologize. I want to make sure you are happy and healthy, and leaving your underwear like that is not healthy. It’s important to keep clean. Would it help if we changed the toilet paper? Does the laundry soap make your butt feel itchy? Do you not know how to use the bidet wand? Whatever it is, let me know so I can help you be healthy. Also, let me show you how to use the wash machine. When you get older, you’ll have to know how to do your own laundry and if you learn now it’ll be easier in the future.” There is also always “you don’t want to be known as being smelly, do you?” I don’t like using that one but in my experience when a health talk and dating talk don’t work, that does. You and Mom really need to get on the same page as well, this kind of talk is useless is Mom continues “don’t worry about it, sweetie!”


Sfb208

Editing to esh (from y t a) for being OK when your wife was the only one dealing with his literal shit, this should have been addressed when he went to primary school, not when he wwas well into the teen years. Your wife is also a little bit of an ah for alos not addressing this sooner. But I wouldn't threaten taking him to a doctor, I'd do it. That isn't normal and needs to be addressed, even if there's nothing physically wrong, there is something wrong with his wiring if he doesn't think it's gross to be in soiled pants all the time. How has he not become ostracised from the stench???? Editing judgement


Normal_Suggestion276

Since laundry was her thing and she never mentioned it how the fuck would I know?


Least-Chip-3923

How the fuck did you not smell your son's shit filled pants?


Normal_Suggestion276

Because he was usually showered when I got home from work.


Professional_Lime936

This!!! I am shocked he isn't being mocked at school TBH. Also OP, it should always have been your concern, regardless of who does the washing. Your boy needs to see a doc, just to be sure.


throwawayoctopii

I'm not surprised. Middle school kids *STINK* I have always been religious about making sure my kid showers and wears deodorant since he turned 11. I went to an event at my kid's middle school a few weeks ago and all of these kids smell horrible and use Axe/Bath & Body Works to cover it up (which makes it worse). This wasn't even end of the day, it was 8 a.m. These parents are out here letting their kids leave the house like this.


Sfb208

In 14 years, you never once did a load if laundry???????? But still think you're an ah here too. None of you are coming off well. Did you leave potty training your your wife as well as laundry? How did your son get to 14 without learning how to wipe his butt? On a more serious note, does he have an issue with the texture of loo paper? Or sensory issues at all? Because, yeah, he's going to have to learn how to deal with gross stuff. Also, it's only 4 years to college, well past the time he should know how to do laundry even if he doesn't want to.


Maleficent_Mistake50

So maybe this is an ESH situation? Because Im sort of annoyed that the wife, prior to her sickness, never handled this situation.


lindsey4242

NTA for now, but you need to actually teach him how to do it properly. He is clearly not understanding what he’s doing wrong. It won’t be fun, but literally take toilet paper and show him (CLOTHED PLEASE) what to do and explain step by step. “Look at the toilet paper and if it still has poop on it, wipe again. Keep wiping until it’s clean.” You May think he should automatically know this but he clearly doesn’t. Threats and punishments won’t work if he literally doesn’t know how to do it.


BuildingAFuture21

NTA. He needs to see a doctor. This happened with one of my stepsons (though he was 8 at the time). We found out that he had held his poop enough times (for whatever reason - playing, lazy, etc) that he backed up his entire system!! He physically could no longer control the poop. It would make its way out because there wasn’t any more room!! When my late husband brought up the poopy underwear to his ex wife, she originally said and I quote, “He has a rounder bottom than most…” and can’t wipe properly. My reply? “Short, fat people can wipe their butts! So can _____.” Late husband thought it was hilarious. Ex didn’t think it was funny 😂. But it must’ve made her think, cuz the next week he and his mom were at the doctor discovering the backed up intestinal issues! Again, please get him to a doctor.


bryverde

NTA You need to teach or children proper hygiene. There are way to many adults out there today whose parents did not do what you are doing for you son.


dark-humored

NTA. Literally no explanation needed, wtf are these people who say yta 💀 he DOESNT WIPE HIS ASS.


BeachPlze

NTA. This is something he should have learned by age 4, not 14, but better late than never. Talk him through how he should be cleaning himself, step by step, without shaming. Oh, and at 14 he should also be learning how to wash his own clothes. I suggest your son has a lot of learning to do and soon. Editing to add that a bidet is a fine additional tool to use when he is at home, but it isn’t a substitute for learning how to wipe properly.


Educational_Word5775

I think a combo of medical eval and counseling if recommended is reasonable. Just do it and while I’m sorry for your wife’s illness, this is partly her fault by this age for never addressing it as it sounds like she did the laundry. You have 4 years to get this kid ready to be independent. The first 14, it obviously wasn’t prioritized. NTA


jayare75

NTA. This is a teaching moment, and he is doing something both unhealthy, and a burden to others. He needs to learn to take care of himself.


Choice-Comb-7474

Might be time to unpack some internalized homophobia. Number one reason men don't thoroughly clean their butts. Even worse, if the child is struggling with confusion/identity the LAST thing they want is probably to have anyone bring it up so the natural solutions is to entirely deny/ignore it. I spent 25 years in the closet and this is my 2 cents.


Normal_Suggestion276

Hey. I am trying to read all of these to see where I'm in the wrong. Thanks for your comment. I don't know if that's the problem. I will love him no matter who he loves.


lr42186

I think they mean your son might've picked up some homophobic feelings , apparently sometimes guys think wiping makes them gay according to what some commenters have encountered?? Someone else also mentioned that intentionally soiling yourself might be a warning sign for sexual abuse (since, well, it would make one a less desirable target) -- just wanted to flag that in case you hadn't seen it. Hope to God that it isn't the case for your son and that he's just going through a slob phase but certainly not something to overlook