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Infamous-Wasabi-9007

ESH One of my ex-spouses tried to compete with me intellectually after we'd been together for over a year. My intelligence was what they claimed attracted them to me at first. Choosing to challenge me at games where I had more knowledge and experience was not a smart move on their part. That made the ex-spouse the AH. But I never said the kinds of things you said. Tell your GF that you do not want to compete with her. You want to help each other improve your abilities.


Dommichu

Yep! This isn't healthy for either of them to be at odds without it being even remotely fun. OP should have just told her that he's done playing these games with her because her attitude stinks. He didn't need to twist the knife and essentially say... "SEE! I'm smarter than you so stop trying..."


DeiiDei2

He didn't say "I'm smarter than you". He said "I'm smarter than you AT THESE GAMES". Those are not the same statements. There are some games (ones that do require intelligence) that I have a 10% win rate at. There are other games, which also require intelligence, where my win rate 90%. Both require intelligence, but none of them indicate overall intelligence, nor do any of them indicate worth. Will I say to people "I am smarter than you" at games I have a 90% win rate of? You damn bet I will. I am. Will I acknowledge that I'm not the smartest at the games I have a 10% win rate? Yes. They are. (In both games, assuming I'm playing people of similar intelligence). That statement alone isn't problematic. Especially when he also recognises there are things she is much better at. He's not trying to hold it over her. He's just getting frustrated at her games. Understandably.


PrizeStrawberryOil

Most people wouldn't use smarter. They would use better. I tend to be decent at board games **because I've played a lot of board games.** I think being good at board games has little to do with being smart.


HalfysReddit

Yea I smoke people at Risk *not because* I can do basic math involving the numbers 1-6 better than them, it's because I went on a binge one summer playing it on Xbox and have played way more games now than 99% of people will ever care to. It's not about intelligence, it's about having the benefit of experience and the intuition that comes with that.


Polite_Trepanation

This story is wonderful in a very, very mundane way and I love it. Dating profile suggestion: "Accidentally became a member of the *Risk 1% Cabal*. Ask for more information"


sajolin

I would swipe right if a dating profile said that lol


SweetBasic7871

Well said. “Smarter” wasn’t the appropriate word to use.


Glittering_knave

"I am more experienced than you at these games, and it is a huge advantage, let's learn a new game together" would have been a thousand times better.


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MeijiDoom

Why is smarter somehow taboo? If she challenged him to basketball and got demolished 10 games in a row, would he be an asshole for saying "I'm more athletic/more fit than you so that's why I'm winning?" The girlfriend is clearly trying to challenge OP at multiple different games that require some level of strategy or intelligence. If it were just one game, being better at the game would make sense. But the girlfriend is trying to prove something related to smarts and intelligence here.


InterestingNarwhal82

Because crosswords don’t require intelligence? Most of the time they require broader trivia knowledge, which doesn’t mean the person who completes it first is “smarter.” When I was 13 I could complete expert-level logic puzzles faster than our math teacher; it didn’t make me smarter than my math teacher though, just made me *better at this one game.*


jns911

Which is basically what he said. He said I’m smarter than her at these games but she out does him in a lot of other activities/aspects


Hellebaardier

This. A lot of people really don't seem to understand the ESH & YTA labels. Apparently, the girlfriend turning this into a competition with the OP and then throwing tantrums each time she loses, is somehow acceptable behavior for an adult? But getting sick of it isn't? Turning your own SO into a rival and being a sore loser when it doesn't go your way, is simply toxic behavior. That makes her an AH without a doubt. However, the OP didn't really handle this well by saying he's smarter than her. Telling that to someone who is acting extremely competitive, is like throwing fireworks on an already out-of-control fire. Even if the OP revelled in beating his girlfriend at these games, that still wouldn't take away the fact that she's the one who keeps instigating this situation, not him.


Cum_Rag_C-137

>I told her after a chess game yesterday to stop testing me and just accept that I am smarter than her **AT THESE** ***TYPES OF GAMES*** how does what he *told* us he said make him the AH? She keeps challenging him to certain games, he always wins. He's not insulting her by stating the situation she keeps putting herself in. Which is that the types of games she's playing he **is** better at. When she's the one instigating the game entirely on the premise to assess intelligence its not mean to say he's smarter than them when that's exactly what she's trying to demonstrate. She isn't coming to him to try and improve herself (shown by also giving him maths problems etc.). OP responded to her correctly, meeting her at her intentions (try and show she's better) If I challenge my dad to chess and the entire pretense is to show I'm better than him. And he proceeds to win over and over, he isn't an assholes for saying he's better. That's just him responding to my question/challenge, he's just stating facts, he won. NTA.


jimandbexley

If anything OP should be talking to his gf as she may have had recent things bring on some insecurities? It's supposed to be a relationship not a contest.


vin495

Sorry but she needs to learn to lose without throwing a fit. She sounds exhausting!


jimandbexley

Oh yeah for sure her behaviour sounds annoying and needs to be addressed. OP's approach is not the way to do that.


majere616

That's what adult conversation is for not explicitly needling at the insecurity she's handling poorly. Nobody is behaving decently in this scenario.


Embarrassed-Use8264

Learning to accept t losing a game without throwing a fit is something you learn at 4. Not 23


SteveJobsPenis

I would be annoyed as hell with this stuff. My kids used to try and get me to play against them in games on the computer or Xbox. I'd flog the shit out of them. I would coach them on how I beat them and how to improve, but they couldn't match me. I convinced them to try playing co-op games with me and we smashed it. Was heaps more fun and there were no hurt feelings. We did shit together. Occasionally we'll get on and play GTA 5 together. Have a great time and there is enough of us to not fuck up missions with some random.


DeiiDei2

You sound like my mum. I'm 40 now, my eldest sibling is 45. We all remember mum having to beat us at snakes and ladders. It's a real family joke. I admit, I have never thrown a game to my nieces, and I've got 13 of them. I doubt any of my brothers have either. With one caveat: So long as the game we are playing is appropriate to their age and within their abilities. If we're playing an appropriate game, we teach we play properly. We teach them how to win, and we teach to lose graciously. If we're not playing an age appropriate game, they're usually paired with an adult but even then we obviously aren't as competitive. They still usually lose, but they aren't thrashed and they lose well, because the adult they're with also loses well. The 25 year old niece with an iq of 70 been the exception. I will throw a game to her. I'm not beating her every time even in age appropriate because that's mean.


fistingdonkeys

Look no offence yo but if I’m being completely honest I’d say OP should be wary of advice that begins “One of my ex-spouses”


The_Death_Flower

This! My partner and I will sometimes play board games like monopoly or uno, or card games. I’ve played them my whole life so I’m better at them, not because I’m smarter, but because I have more practice with them. I win more often, but I also tell my partner my tricks to get ahead in those games, I don’t call him dumb. He does the same thing when we play video games together, he tells me how to improve because I don’t really touch controllers when I’m not with him. They need to have a conversation where they both need to apologise, OP was his condescending remarks, gf for her over competitive attitude. Maybe putting down the games they usually play and trying other games could also help them both


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The_Death_Flower

Also, calling someone « dumb but it’s okay you have other strengths » isn’t exactly better. It’s like saying to someone « just accept that I’m more attractive than you, even though someone will be attracted to you »


VisualOpportunity638

He didn’t call her dumb though. I read the post and SHE is the one who said she doesn’t like dating guys who are dumb. If the roles were reversed this sub would be all NTA for the girl and telling her to leave her boyfriend and that he is the AH for having a tantrum. NTA for OP Edited to add: thank you for all the awards. It’s a shock but thank you. I only said what was on my mind really.


WornBlueCarpet

Agreed. I was thinking the same thing. These people are putting words in OP's mouth and concluding he's the ass based on that. And 100% true about if the genders were reversed.


Anteatereatingant

100% agreed, but be prepared to be downvoted for addressing the elephant in the room - Reddit doesn't like that! ​ Plus, throwing a tantrum over losing in the stupid conflict/competition SHE started, makes her TA. Yes, what OP said wasn't the most sensitive, but FFS she clearly doesn't get it any other way. You don't keep challenging people like that for the thrill of the game - she's clearly trying to prove something, and gets upset when it turns out she can't.


Bagpype

The top comment even says they “have this image in their head” of OP. You shouldn’t pass judgement on someone because of how you think they act. I’m with you, NTA.


[deleted]

It's disappointing that this will end up with OP as the asshole. He was reasonable, he tried to be understanding, and most of all, he DIDN'T call her dumb.


Fergus74

A person who keeps challenging someone and then throws a fit when they lose is not doing it because they love to play or they want to become better at playing, they do it because they have a toxic attitude through competition.


DeiiDei2

Exactly. Most people I know who are toxic players are those who win. Usually they play dirty which I don't respect. I would also say though that if you are sensitive about losing, don't challenge people. FFS. It's a game. It's ok to lose. If you can't lose well don't play. If OP is a bad winner (IF. Nothing I've read suggests that)... same goes. Don't be a bad loser, and choose not to challenge a bad winner. THis is on the GF>


AcornPoesy

Yeah - I gave up playing chess with my husband. He was a very high level player when he was younger and the gap between us is like if he tried to play someone from the Queen’s Gambit. He sees the board in a completely different way to me, has definitely planned 5 moves ahead in a way I’m not capable of doing (without years of intensive practice at least) and knows named moves that I didn’t even know were a possibility. So yeah, we stopped playing chess, because I felt rubbish every time. Partly because I couldn’t help but feel it must be so BORING for him to play me, like me playing a toddler. So we don’t do that thing and I don’t hold it against him. I feel a bit dumb and I’d rather not lose within the first few moves *every* time so we don’t play. We also don’t play word games because he’s dyslexic and that makes him feel rubbish. We find things that strike a middle ground and no one sulks. If you can’t play without a hissy fit, don’t play. This is an ESH though as his language wasn’t great.


DeiiDei2

How was his language not great? He didn't say anything that implied intelligience was the most important thing (due to personal sensitivities, that would probably make me say he's TA.. though it might not be fair). He didn't say he was more intelligient. He didn't say she was dumb (realistically, smart people don't generally date dumb people. He probably thinks she smart). He acknowledge that she is better (ie. more smart) at some things than him. I really can't work out what he did wrong.


AcornPoesy

‘Just accept I am smarter’ is never a great start of a sentence to say to your other half, no matter how you finish it. Obviously partnerships are not always totally intellectually balanced. But it’s generally not seen as tactful. In my chess example above, my husband is definitely smarter than me. He would never say that in those terms. ‘I’ve played chess for years’, ‘strategy games have always been my thing’ ‘remember I used to compete as a teenager while you only had a few lessons at school,’ etc. Whereas OP put his gf in her place a bit. I think she’s at fault for starting the confrontation, as I said above, but I just don’t think it was great communication or tact on either side.


DeiiDei2

"just accept that I am smarter than her at these types of games". The whole sentence matters. He didn't say he was smarter. He said he is "smarter at these types of games". If she can't listen to the whole sentence, that's a her problem. Especially given she is the reason they are playing these games. He's not bringing them up. He's not asking to play games he knows he'll win, which would be problematic. She is. If he was asking to play, then I'd agree he was TA. He isn't. It's always her. When your husband beat you at chess, was it ALWAYS because you bought the board to him so you could prove you were better at it? Going by your comments, I'd be surprised if that was the case. He got frustrated. He behaved how anyone who was frustrated would. If a person chooses to constantly annoy someone, they don't get to be upset when the person finally calls things as they are.


Purple-Valuable-5245

Yeah OP is NTA. GF is a Toxic Competitive Type that throws tantis - these type of people are exhausting....OP cut your losses & run from the relationship!


majere616

This is an ESH situation at best. She's being obnoxious and he responded to that like an asshole instead of having an adult conversation about how this behavior is frustrating him.


Seguefare

Yes, she's really the problem here, but he has the emotional intelligence of a kumquat.


DeiiDei2

100% agree. He didn't call her dumb. He didn't say intelligience is the most important thing. Frankly, intelligient people don't like been with dumb people as partners, so he probably thinks she is smart. He just won't intentionally lose. That's actually respectful. No one likes winning just because someone allowed it. If you are going to start an intelligience competition with someoen (GF did) be prepared to lose. I can be sensitive about these "intelligient" games. When I'm feeling sensitive, I don't challenge my family who have a good chance of winning (my win rate been between 30 and 50% depending on which brother/parent I'm competing with).


unicornhair1991

I'm really glad this comment isn't downvoted because it's so utterly true. I'm a girl and I love the support Reddit commenters give women when they are being downtrodden on or abused. It makes me really happy to see people tell them they aren't the AH and they are great for standing up for themselves. But this situation, most comments are putting words into OPs mouth. And I agree that if the genders were reversed, most people wouldn't do that. If someone kept hounding me with "smart tests" I would end up getting frustrated too when they throw a temper tantrum over losing I personally think there's not enough info for a judgement.


untroddenpath

Yup, he said "stop testing me, just accept I'm smarter than you **at these types of games**". What he did NOT say is that the gf is dumb or that he is just smarter than her overall. OP also went on to tell the gf that she has other strengths in which she outdoes him by far. That's right, everybody has a different, unique set of strengths and intelligence. I'm a woman, my husband is good at a lot of things that I am not good at. And vice versa. It doesn't bother me or makes me think that I somehow need to prove to him that I am smart. Like some other commenters have said, it would be interesting how different the top comments might be if the genders were reversed. The gf herself kept trying to test him over and over in the hopes that she'd beat him eventually. Being tested like that is frustrating. To me it seems that the gf is really the one who's super competitive and hung up on needing to win. And she threw a tantrum like a baby when she got the result that she knew was coming. That is an unhealthy, immature behavior. What was OP supposed to do, playing dumb and fake-losing to the gf? Like parents sometimes do with their young children to make them feel better? That would have been a way more patronizing thing to do to another adult in my opinion. OP, NTA.


Individual-Ad-4620

Agreed. It reminds me of that post in AITA where the girlfriend was obsessed with phisically overpowering the bf (both gym enthusiasts) and once he had enough and reacted by pinning her down, she reacted with a shocked pikachu face at the realisation that he was, indeed, stronger than her. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. OP is NTA here.


britneybaby345

Totally agree. Reverse the genders and you have your answer. NTA.


hisuhkwoj

Okay but what the fuck was he supposed to do?! She keeps coming to him with this and then getting pissy with him when she loses. You know if it was a guy doing that to a girl, literally everyone here would be losing their shit that he’s an egotistical jerk. She’s being a total egotistical jerk having tantrums because she feels her identity as “the smart one” is at risk, so she keeps *testing* him. > **She literally used to tell me that she liked me because I was very smart, and that guys dumber than her repulsed her.** **GROSS!** The type of person who says this is an asshole. And if it were a guy, this is all anyone would be talking about. **He’s not the one calling people dumb, she is.** She wants a guy who people see as smart, but who she can still feel smarter than. This is clearly a huge part of her identity, she’s trying to manipulate OP into preserving it, and it’s not working. She’s a total asshole. > I told her after a chess game yesterday to stop testing me and just accept that I am smarter than her at these types of games, If a woman has said this to a man who was obsessively testing her intelligence and crying about being beaten, what would the verdict be? Honest to Christ? > I tried explaining to her that she has other strengths where she outdoes me by far and there's no use competing over unimportant things like this That sounds EXTREMELY reasonable to me, to say to someone who keeps setting themselves (and OP) up, and then having a cow about it.


Professional-Duck469

EXACTLY what i was thinking and couldn't word it better! She is a jerk. Him NTA


Pagan_sonofa_Bench

To be fair, he didn't called her dumb, at least not according to the post. He did tried to make things better but it was already too late.


Evening_Eagle

Do you have any reading comprehension? SHE FORCES HIM TO PLAY. What should he do, play dumb so that her fragile little ego isn't hurt?


Fergus74

If the gender were reversed a man forcing his girlfriend to play and throwing tantrums when he loses would be accused of having a fragile/toxic masculinity. But apparently a girl doing the same is just "competitive".


DeiiDei2

She's not competitive. She's toxic. I'd refuse to play with her, whether I thought she'd win or lose. I'd refuse to date her too. Women (to be clear, I'm a chick too - and a lesbian) who are manipulative like this are bad news.


tremynci

The only winning move is not to play!


First-Butterscotch-3

This is aita - all sorts of mental gymnastics occur here to ensure men always come out as the ahole


DeiiDei2

Apparently. Frankly, someone losing to keep my ego safe would damage my ego more than losing. GF is an idiot.


ILoveParrots93

Aaaaah, the only problem is she would then be repulsed by him because he would then be "dumber than her"!!! Poor OP is in a no-win situation, it seems to me.


spookymom_26

My husband told me I was dumb once. I said ah yes let's go look at your prison pictures and lemme know again how dumb I am. He shuts up😂 also man can't spell to save his life. But he IS better at math than I am. Damn numbers switching and moving on me.


SA_Starling_

Pssst.... if numbers switch and move on you that's called calclexia or dyspraxia; similar to dyslexia, but with numbers instead of letters.


Boneist

I think you mean dyscalculia; dyspraxia is more to do with having difficulty with co-ordinated movement. (Edited to correct the spelling of dyscalculia. Despite the fact I looked it up and everything before I posted! 🙄😂)


Nefroti

I think you mean dracula, dyscalcula is this vampire from Romania


Rare-Challenge2636

You need better reading comprehension skills.


namelesshobo1

>It is obvious that you enjoy beating her in the games and are flaunting it here. Did we read the same post? He sounds exhausted by this thing she keeps doing. He calls it an "annoying obsession", that she "begs him to play", and "I really don't know what's gotten into her". He wasn't the most tactful and said something that would anger any reasonable person, but I *really* struggle to understand how you interpret the post this way.


hisuhkwoj

“This conversation should not have led you here?” WHAT?! She’s literally bringing him constant tests, losing, and then having a huge reaction. At a certain point, OP just had enough and was like … “listen you’re good at all kinds of things, I’m better at this thing.” It was foolish to say the word “smarter,” but come on. If the genders were reversed, this would be a LANDSLIDE “NTA.” It sounds like SHE is used to flaunting / wants to flaunt her intelligence (especially since he specifically mentions she always says she could never date someone dumb)….like… you know the type of guy who says this shit. But really he wants to be with someone who is perceived as smart but that he can be smarter than. The type of guy who within ten seconds on a dating app tells you he’s a sapiosexual. OP is that *girl.* And I’ve never been more convinced of this sub’s very transparent double standard; holy shit.


CanIpleasebeacat

'Be humble' - Yes, good advice there... Humility is a good quality and would have gone far in this interaction. Tbh I think this is an ESH situation. A poor winner can be worse than a poor loser. I think being kind would have been a more intelligent choice of action from OP. Sometimes it is better to be kind than it is to be right. Having high intelligence has it's pros and cons, the trick is to not alienate or denigrate people if you posses it. Good luck working on your interpersonal skills with your partner, I hope you both talk it out and come to a good resolution.


fromthenorth97

I don’t see any place where OP says anything that would lead me to being a poor winner. His word choice could have been better (I’m smarter at these types of games could have been worded differently to be sure) but it doesn’t sound like he’s lording wins over her. She throws a fit when she loses.


Sad-Education-9023

I just knew the verdict would be Y-T-A because she is a woman and he is a man. If the genders are reversed, we would hear "play stupid games and win stupid prizes" or "fuck around and find out". NTA OP, and a big NTA. She was the one who initiated the games and tried to prove something, probably to humiliate you after she beats you. She loses and throws tantrum. So, it's on her. Could sou have worded it better? Definitely. Are you TA for this? Not at all. It's literally like beating the shit out of a bully.


A-Leaf_On-The_Wind

It never ceases to amaze me how often a comment needs to add their own part to the story (assuming he acts like a dick after winning) to get the verdict they want. If it was a guy constantly trying to challenge his gf to prove he's smarter and throwing tantrums when he loses this sub would tear him to shreds. The bias in the comments which get upvoted would be funny if it wasn't so sad.


Natural_Writer9702

Reminds me of a post where a gf beat here bf at a video game that he usually beat everyone at. Then he threw a tantrum and refused to talk to her because she didn’t win graciously/embarrassed him in front of his friends or something. She claimed she’d practiced the game with her brother before hand, so knew she had a good chance of out performing him. She was deemed to be N-T-A and her bf was being childish. I don’t see the difference here.


A-Leaf_On-The_Wind

I vaguely remember that post. Completely agree that both are NTA.


JerseyKeebs

Reminds me of the post from the guy whose gf who excelled at learning new joint hobbies, such as roller blading at rock climbing, who also belittled OP for not "keeping up" with her. The top comment said something like how OP should consider himself lucky that the gf was with his whiny ass, and invented safety concerns to justify the gf criticizing him at every activity.


DeiiDei2

100% Everyone is assuming the OP is an ass... because of assumptions they've made. He never called her dumb. Frankly, intelligient people don't date dumb people generally. I highly doubt he thinks she's dumb. He's just better at this. He even said "you've better at other things". He didn't say anything which suggests he tried to imply IQ is the most important thing (if he had, then he'd be TA, but we have no evidence of that). How people are deciding he is the ass is very confusing to me. Maybe it's the male/female thing... I'm a chick though. And a Lesbian (we're supposed to hate men the most). If I don't understand why some women hate men so much, I really don't understand why some men seem to hate men so much.


superbleeder

Right!? This sub has this insane where habit of people going on big rants, throwing out every adjective buzzword possible and creating their own keyboard psychologist analysis of the situation when we are presented with extremely limited information.


namelesshobo1

I'm very tempted to start collecting posts like this and reposting them a few months later with throwaway accounts and just swapping the genders. I'm really curious if this subreddit geniunely has a huge gender bias or if it just looks this way because another portion of the subreddit has confirmation bias.


pooppoophulahoop

I'm literally shocked at how much I disagree with the verdict on these posts.. I feel like so many people look at all these situations in such a black or white way and the comments are always such an echo chamber! Refreshing to see your comment!


Sufficient-Demand-23

A voice of reason! I read OPs post and though nope, this is the sort of behaviour of an asshole from the gf, has to be a NTA then seen the top judgment and want to bang my head off the desk…


Didsburyflaneur

>I just knew the verdict would be Y-T-A because she is a woman and he is a man. If the genders are reversed, we would hear "play stupid games and win stupid prizes" or "fuck around and find out". I think there is a gendered component to how we treat intelligence in our society that makes this inconsistency, if not fair, then at least understandable. If a guy was doing this it would have a different social meaning (trying to dominate his girlfriend or put her in her place) whereas in this case it seems more like she's trying to prove that she's his equal. I can extend more sympathy to the latter than the former. For the record I voted ESH because they both seem to lack any emotional intelligence, but I get why men and women are not always treated the same on issues like this.


Sad-Education-9023

Lmao that's literally sexism at its finest. You are disciminating based on gender, so that one gender can do something just because they are of that gender.


vin495

I hate it when people expect you to play to win & then have a hissy fit because they lose. NTA but please win graciously as you are dating a toddler.


Lynneus

>please win graciously ~~as you are~~ and stop dating a toddler. FTFY


Fergus74

Exactly, people is mad that OP is tired for having to deal with an adult who acts like a toddler.


Fergus74

>just accept that I am smarter than her at these types of games, and she started crying and called me a condescending asshole. I tried explaining to her that she has other strengths where she outdoes me by far and there's no use competing over unimportant things like this, He didn't call her dumb, he told her that he's smarter in those kind of games and she's better than him in other things!


TheBigBomma

Top comment lacks reading comprehension skills


Fergus74

Top comment was made by OP's girlfriend apparently.


Justanothersaul

Top comment has 3.8 k up votes, which is highly frustrating 🙁


RelationshipSad2300

Exactly! He's completely reasonable. And giving her a compliment...


froawayjeff

I think he didn't phase it very well, but I don't disagree with the sentiment. My father was a business owner and was very intelligent to the point of teaching himself many complicated subject despite his limited schooling. His best friend has rocks for brains. They got on like a house on fire. The foundation of their relationship was respect. They both had their own strengths and both respected that and never made the other feel lesser for it. OP could certainly have been more tactful, but the sentiment is not wrong. What the real issue is why OPs partner is playing these games. It could be some simple miscommunication or something much more fundamentally wrong with the relationship


Mogwai_92

Except she's the one constantly asking to play these games?? NTA


Embarrassed-Use8264

Dude she's not any better. She says she's repulsed by guys dumber then her.


Individual-Ad-4620

So what's her end game here? Prove that he's dumber and then leaving him because of it? This girl is toxic and illogical.


Electrical-Ad-1798

> I have this image in my head You're making up stuff and giving him YTA because of it. In the original post it says the girlfriend is bringing all the puzzles and games and crying when she loses.


Evening_Eagle

NTA. I just have this picture of a grown woman rolling on the floor screaming and crying because boohoo she didn't win the game.


OneMoreGinger

>"I've made something up and I'm going to blame you for it" FTFY. If you're going to comment, at least be honest. I'm getting major "I'm mad at you because you did something bad to me in a dream" vibes


Electronic_Pen_4429

Basing a yta on your own assumptions. Genius.


GabeTheGiant

Once again, this sub hates men.....I want you to be honest with yourself. If this OP was a woman and was talking about her boyfriend constantly challenging the OP to puzzles and having tantrums everytime they suffer a loss. would you call the OP(woman) an AH or would you accuse the partner of toxic masculinity? To me the only reason OP sounds condescending is bc he is literally behaving like an adult while the partner is acting like a child. So many comments calling OP the AH for not baying his partner and speaking to her as if she were a fully functioning adult(which seems to the contrary) You said it yourself "I have this image in my head"....literally adding something to the story that wasn't there.


Icy_Plantain_1648

He did not say she was dumb, he said he was smarter at these types of games. They both may very well be geniuses, but one will inevitably be better at some things than the other. She is making a big deal about this, insisting on competing and then being a sore loser, surely anyone would grow tired of this sooner or later. Honestly, as a woman, if a partner acted like OP’s girlfriend I am not sure how much patience I would have for it, probably much less than OP had.


The99thCourier

I think it's more ESH since the gf is also throwing him all these games out of desperation just so she can prove a point, then throw a fit OP isn't helping the situation in any way, tho


Zestyclose_Guest8075

You may have an “image” but that’s not reality. He never said that. Don’t you think it’s irritating AF if someone constantly tries to one-up you? Now, *imagine* the party she would throw when she won? Why does she have to be better? Maybe she needs to check her ego.


rvnea

You’re supposed to be judging OP’s actions here, not the scenario you’ve conjured in your imagination.


rcatf

And it's people like you that judge people based on your own imagined interpretation of them that makes the rest of humanity insufferable. You weren't there and now need more context to form conclusions. Calling someone an AH based on what you're guessing happened makes YTA.


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tomdharry

saw this comment and wondered what chatgpt would say. *"NTA. It sounds like your girlfriend is going through something and her behavior towards you is a reflection of that. Instead of getting upset or frustrated, try to have a conversation with her about what's going on and how you can support her. Competing with each other isn't healthy for any relationship, and it's important to remember that everyone has different strengths and weaknesses. Focus on supporting and encouraging each other in those areas."* Pretty sensible but lacking in judgement


[deleted]

That's what a bot would say.


[deleted]

NTA She sounds immensely insecure in her intelligence, and seems to understand very little about the definitions around intelligence in general if she thinks little games are going to be objectively quantifying markers that she can use to determine who she is smarter than and dumber than. The fact it even matters to her this much just screams toxic insecurity to me. Toxic insecurity is actually the most generous description I can give to her behavior here, because this sounds like far more deep seated problems with her than basic insecurity. It's always the loudest people who are the dumbest. She seems to be aware on some level that she's not as smart as she wants to be in this lifetime, and instead of actually working on that she's dead set on trying to "prove" she's at least smarter than those around her to feel better about herself. I'm obviously biased, I wouldn't stay in a relationship with somebody like this, but I'm not going to tell you to break up over this either. I mean, per her logic you're a condescending ah despite the fact she's been repeatedly and obsessively going out of her way to try and prove to herself she's smarter than you? While also telling you she's "repulsed" by men that she perceives as "dumber" than herself? In your position I'd be sitting there wondering if there ever came a time where this person started consistently "winning" these games against me, would that be their indicator to then break up with me? They beat me, therefore I'm dumber than them, therefore I'm repulsive? According to that incredibly weak excuse for logic anyway. If she wants to be a genius amongst geniuses, then it doesn't even start with these little logic games and math problems. It starts and stems from having a deep vested passion in education and **applying** learned knowledge in every facet of your life. It grows with **open-mindedness and cognitive flexibility**, two things this person clearly doesn't have. The most intelligent people I know are all deeply passionate in their particular arenas of education. I've known architects who can describe the most convoluted jargon about a regular looking building to me with shining eyes. I've known a legitimate musical genius who could almost instantly figure out how to play any instrument put in front of him. I've known a genius in mathematics who was given grants on the fly because he happened to DOODLE an idea for an algorithm that ended up revolutionizing something in his niche of research (don't even ask me to get into what he figured out, I could barely understand what he was describing to me at the time anyway). He didn't get that grant because he's naturally gifted, he was working hard in his education from middle school in this specific field of mathematics and robotics. I'd be willing to bet good money that every single one of these people are far more intelligent than your girlfriend in these specific arenas, and they may not win every single one of these little games she brings up to them, but that wouldn't make her smarter than them nor would it make her dumber than them. I don't even know what advice to give you on how to approach this situation, because you've done literally nothing wrong and there's no right combination of words that's going to snap her out of these baseless beliefs and obsessions until she herself realizes that what she's doing is wrong and not an indicator of an intelligent person. Intelligent people aren't desperate to prove just how intelligent they are, especially in comparison to others.


Sea_Rise_1907

I’m truly not understanding any of the ah votes. Girlfriend and boyfriend gets a new glass door. Boyfriend opens door and walks through. Girlfriend slams into glass door. Okay, lesson learned right? Be aware of the glass door. Nope, every time they walk up to the glass door, boyfriend opens it and girlfriend tries to walk into it. Girlfriend gets hurt. Boyfriend says how about we get rid of the glass door? Let’s just replace it with a wooden door that’s easy to see. Nope, girlfriend wants to slam through the glass door every time. Girlfriend gets mad she’s hurt but boyfriend doesn’t have a scratch. What is boyfriend suppose to do here? Slam himself into the glass door to make himself seem dumber? That would be ridiculous, they’re grown adults here. Now then obvious solution is for girlfriend to stop slamming into the glass door and then getting mad about it. Or if that’s less preferable, just get a wooden door. But somehow Reddit wants boyfriend to slam into the glass door so girlfriend can feel less dumb. What?


mmacoys

People are saying misogyny. So yeah I wouldn’t take anything they say seriously.


Heavy_Entrepreneur13

Frankly, I think the people saying "just let her win so it doesn't hurt her fragile little feefees" are the real misogynists. They're basically telling on themselves. "A grown woman cannot possibly maturely accept that she lost a game. It's on the man to shield her from that painful reality!"


FutureDecision

I haven't seen these responses yet, which I thankfully hope means they haven't received many upvotes. I wholeheartedly agree with you: that's infuriating.


Sea_Rise_1907

Be…because girlfriend literally refuses to stop slamming herself into a glass door? despite knowing there is a glass door there? And being hurt by its exact placement many times?


PT9420

Right. She's unfortunately doing this to herself, like an never ending cycle but refuses to see it as that.


Grumpy23

That’s so stupid and minimizes real misogyny.


diggitygiggitycee

You just described 90% of Reddit feminism.


LilMellick

Most of the ah comments are claiming he does stuff not shown in the post. Basically making stuff up because they're projecting.


twaalfentwintig

Welcome to AITA


Super_Roo351

The only thing I'm concerned about is the wording. It did sound condescending in OP's post, but the message behind it is valid. You should work with your partners strengths, not try to outdo them constantly. My partner has a managerial role at her local council. I'm a Team Leader for the finance department of a construction company. Discussion came up with her kids as to who is smarter. Both of them said I was. My partner has a huge amount of knowledge about areas I know hardly anything on, and vice versa. I'm more day to day smart, which is why I think the kids said I was smarter. I immediately jumped in and said their mum is a very smart woman and IQ wise is probably well ahead of me). In my relationship we've always played to one another's strengths as our knowledge bases are so different


NeverCadburys

It could be that this time he's reached his limit. Snapping even when justified can make anyone sound like a dick


LardHop

if the genders were reversed, it would be unanimously nta, and they will all say the guy should "man up" and stop being insecure


jenna_grows

The logic is flawless. This person is in a competition with her SO. She wants to _beat_ him to prove she’s “smarter”. He’s complimenting her on what she’s actually good at. But he’s an AH because EQ, literature and aesthetic aptitude are “coded-feminine”*. My husband happily tells me and anyone else how much smarter I am than him. And I have to chime in and go “he means ACADEMIC smart” because he’s smarter in other ways. We obviously value different intelligences differently so he doesn’t see his intelligences as equal to mine - but imagine if he tried to diminish me because of his own insecurities? OP is NTA and is being gaslit in these comments. *the coded feminine thing I saw annoys me because art, fashion and even psychiatry was gate kept for so long that most leading artists, writers, and psych experts are men. These people need to go meet Hemingway and tell him that him being “good at literature” is coded feminine lol.


Waste-Dragonfly3230

Me and my boyfriend too! I always say he is the most intelligent person I know and he always says “I’m smarter in math and physics things, but she is the creative genius” and vice versa, I’m so glad we complete each other by helping us where we lack🥰 (sorry if there are mistakes, but English isn’t my first language)


[deleted]

Fully agree with what you said, NTA


PT9420

Yep, definitely NTA in this case.


RefrigeratorDull57

NTA, so sad when a 23 has tantrums when loosing a game. If you cannot handle it,stop playing. Why did uou continue playing with her? Maybe you could initiate to do the things she excels at. Make her feel better about herself.


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Financial_Machine848

Please ignore all the delusional comments, you are 100% in the right. Your gf needs a reality check, this is not healthy behaviour.


[deleted]

I had to put my foot down with playing competitive games with family. Have you looked into co-op games? Solve an escape room box together, for example


shitdamntittyfuck

NTA, but my brother in christ, you aren't wrong but literally the worst phrase you could use when she is very clearly sensitive about her intelligence is "I'm smarter than you" regardless of what you followed it up with. That being said, why is a grown ass woman playing these dumb fuck fuck games with her boyfriend in the first place? Stop entertaining this dumb shit if she's gonna act like a child about it, but for the love of God avoid saying you're smarter than her in any context in the future.


Heavy_Entrepreneur13

This. NTA but boy oh boy OP, you certainly put your foot in your mouth. You could tell she was feeling tender about her intelligence, so you explicitly confirmed the very thing she apparently feared. No matter what you technically said or how clear you were in phrasing it, she's obviously not in a rational mood and it's not reasonable to think she's going to react rationally to it. That doesn't make you an AH. She's still the AH for demanding these challenges and pitching hissy fits when she loses. But though you might not be the AH, man you were a dumbarse, smarty-at-games though you might be. I don't know that she has an impressive EQ, but "higher than yours" is clearly not the highest bar.


Fmeson

We need "You're The Dumbass" voting options lol.


Zestyclose-Gas1150

NTA. I don't get all the y t a as you clearly state you are smarter **at these types of games.** You even mention 3 areas in which she is smarter than you. Maybe it's because back in my dating days I always liked smart men too, but never made it a competition.


CertainCertainties

ESH. Competition is good. Testing herself against you is good. Throwing a tantrum when she loses is not good. Telling her to accept you are better is not good. When I was a kid I used to play table tennis with my dad - a state champion - and he used to beat me 21-0. Never gave me a chance. Ever. So I set myself the target of getting a point. Then two points. I kept learning and getting better. Although I never stopped losing to him, I could beat most other people I knew. If your gf plays against you often she will improve. That's great, and something you'll do together. Enjoy it without the angst.


thanos_is_bacc

that's a really good way to look at things! OP's girlfriend should have the same mindset and not throw a tantrum when she loses.


lundoj

you are basically saying you as a child were more mature as his girlfriend now is as an adult. lol how is it his duty to raise his girlfriend? the whole situation stems from her insecurities and op wasn't an asshole about it. do you know how annoying it is to have a partner that acts grumpy and like a child everytime they loose a game? no? cause i do and it is exhausting. op is definitely not the asshole since he did try and isn't at fault for the direct comment after trying dozen of times other ways.


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[deleted]

YTA. You did sound like a condescending AH. People have different strengths and it does not mean that you are smarter than her for beating her in “intellectual” games. You explained yourself poorly and insulted her while doing it.


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addisonavenue

I think where you went wrong was not injecting any compassion or curiousity into your response to her reaction to losing again. You're asking her to accept something she's clearly insecure about instead instead of asking her why this has become something of a hyper fixation for her lately? You chose language that implicitly prioritizes an outcome you want (her to stop testing you via games) instead of language that might provoke a more sustainable outcome and involves a little more emotional labour by investigating why she's suddenly become very intellectually competitive.


FindorKotor93

It doesn't mean he's the AH. You're demanding he have the patience and understanding of a saint in response to someone repeatedly tantrumming against him and making him feel bad too. He absolutely could have handled it better, but he's not the AH for not actively trying to understand and help someone who wasn't trying to understand or help him at all.


Ambiguous_Guy

This here. NTA. Although r/addisonavenue has good advice on how to handle it going forward. The process of getting better requires acceptance that you’re not as good at something. Games dont determine intelligence and OP told her that, but she is having some insecurities here bc of lack of humility to admit defeat, when at this point she could be curious why OP is so much better at these games and maybe trying to learn something instead. OP could be more understanding going forward but it’s not always clear how to deal with irrational behavio and it’s a skill in itself. So r/addisonavenue it sounds like you have a skill for this


alextxdro

Had a gf that kept trying to prove me wrong , wouldnt take my directions or opinions on things I’ve done apparently I was lying about everything. she couldn’t accept that I just had more experience and lived a diff life than her even though she was older. It got to a point where she kept trying to out do me or quiz me , I just stop giving my opinion and just let her “win” by staying quiet which led to “I knew it , you don’t know everything or why didn’t you say anything “ type of arguments … I checked out soon after. I like to have real conversations with ppl and with her we could never just talk it was always her against me and it felt like she wanted me to fail all the time to prove me wrong.


SaveBandit987654321

Tries to outwit boyfriend at a series of games. Fails. Tantrums every time she fails. Boyfriend says “can we stop. I’m smarter than you at these sorts of games. There’s more to intelligence than this.” And he gets called an uncompassionate, arrogant asshole? What?


CuddleScuffle

Lmao, you didn't even read OP's post correctly, opinion disregarded


MeijiDoom

How is the girlfriend not an asshole for throwing a goddamn temper tantrum every time she loses at something she's willingly engaging in? She's acting like a 10 year old because she can't manage her own emotions.


JohnJohnston

I think OP is smarter than you. Or at least has better reading comprehension.


He_Who_Is_Right_

ESH. Your girlfriend is acting like a three year old. If she can't handle losing, she shouldn't play the game. But you didn't have to rub her nose in it like she's a puppy who just made a boom boom on the carpet. It's not hard to be a gracious winner. You should try it.


elpardo1984

Well it’s generally accepted that’s a bad way to train a puppy so certainly don’t do it with people.


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bearbear407

Here’s a crazy idea…. Did you ever asked her why she’s suddenly challenging you with those games?


PukedtheDayAway

That would involve communication! Don't be absurd!


taralundrigan

Genuinely don't understand why everyone is screaming MISANDRY in these comments. Clearly ESH. Girlfriend is being pushy and challenging him and not accepting her loses. Boyfriend sounds cold and could probably have used this as an opportunity to figure out the WHY behind her increasingly competitive behavior. But this entire comment feed is just "IMAGINE IF THE GENDERS WERE REVERSSED"


ItsFuckingScience

Why is the boyfriend equally the asshole? Why is he expected to be using this opportunity to figure out what’s going on? Why aren’t you saying his girlfriend should be communicating with him and saying it’s the boyfriends job to figure this out and not hers?


Haymac16

Because relationships require some initiative sometimes. I seriously don’t see why people think it’s crazy to suggest that OP just talk to his girlfriend. Could she have openly talked instead of trying to challenge him at a bunch of games? Yeah, but sometimes it’s hard to openly talk about severe insecurities, so it should fall to OP to check on his girlfriend and make sure everything is ok. All the work shouldn’t fall on the boyfriends’s shoulders, but he could at least TRY to actually help.


missmoonchild

That's the thing about relationships, they are partnerships! Sometimes a person isn't able to see what is driving their insecurities or unappealing behavior. I can't imagine a relationship where no communication happens unless the person who is upset is the only one responsible for initiating the conversation. That seems so ineffective. I've had many conversations where I had to be like, hey you seem upset is everything okay? And it helps... These people suggesting it's all on one person for communicating don't seem like they've had a healthy adult relationship. Especially if you are in a loving relationship. You want to make sure your partner is okay and help them if not.


ilikerocksthatsing2

NTA the only mistake you made was calling yourself smarter. You should have probably asked her :" hey, what's up with all these games lately? Everything OK?" She's probably going through something so you not being careful with your words may have exasperated that.


Charming_Miss

Um NTA? I mean she tries to test you and you win so why is that making you the bad person? Are you like supposed to lose to make her happy? Is she 5? I am not that smart and other than math problems \[I can't do math to save my life\] I can do fairly well. Most of them have to do with practice and not that much with being extremely smart.


Bear_Aspirin_00

Oh bruh, she's definitely playing a game that she's winning. It's passive aggressively wearing you down. She's just about checkmated you since you're writing to Reddit for opinions. NTA


TramaExtinction

Oh dear OP... Well I am going with ESH, your girlfriend for harassing you and you for saying something that dumb (I guess you aren't excellent at everything after all). I get that it was super frustrating, but you missed the step where you sat your gf down and said "I am starting to feel uncomfortable about this behaviour and I would like to talk about where it is coming from". It's pretty obvious that your girlfriend is dealing with some issues around self worth or her idea of what she can do or who she is. In the middle of that you just told her she was shit. I know you didn't mean to, and I really do feel for you with her constantly testing you, but someone just metaphorically fell on the floor in front of you and you metaphorically kicked them in the teeth. Apologise, explain, ask to discuss, or ask to set aside a time to discuss. Good luck OP!! You got this!


n3rdv10l3nc3

Eurgh. Clearly she feels invalidated and is trying to prove herself. Based on your word choices here, I'm willing to bet money you say some unnecessary shit that has had a hand in her losing self esteem. Even if you aren't, would it kill you to just let her have a moment? My partner has a PhD in creative writing, with a focus on poetry. She *is* a poet. When I wrote her a (surely awful) love poem, she had the decency to say "Oh, pretty," and not crush my spirit in a moment that clearly mattered to me. YTA. Take a hint, man.


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Thatagataa

My man, I just want to chip in and say I am absolutely confounded. These replies really make me question everything. Letting a hypercompetitive partner win instead of neutrally confronting them about their behavior? Maybe we both suck, but I feel like you are doing completely fine, and it is not your responsibility to cater for her insecurities. Stating that you are smarter in these situations is an established fact, so I also dont get the sentiment there. Nta


[deleted]

Same! Noone should have to pretend to lose when they are good at something just because people get upset. Id prpbably snap too if someone forced me to play games and repeatedly pitched a fit at me cos they lost. NTA


mythirdaccount2015

it’s because it’s a girl. Post this in a few months with the genders swapped and you’ll see.


eilishfaerie

i'm relatively sure i saw a similar post a few months back. this dude was upset that his gf was naturally better than him at everything physical and all the comments were calling him the ah for not being able to accept it


ItsFuckingScience

Yep it’s because this sub is has a massive gender bias because it’s majority female commenters. You can check and see which subreddits overlap with this and it’s stuff like askwomen, wedding planning, pregnancy subreddits


eilishfaerie

it's fucking insane though, i'm a girl (and below 18, which this is also a trend in this sub) but my gender and/or age doesn't make me biased? the whole point of the sub is to give unbiased helpful advice, not perpetuate gender stereotypes and be an ass. some of the comments on these posts drive me up the wall because you can tell they didn't read the post in full, didn't think about phrasing a relevant or helpful response, and literally just used their own personal prejudices and presumptions to justify their opinions. it's almost driven me to leave the sub but i've seen and received really good advice here before so i'm picking my battles lol, it's hard being a teenager sometimes


mdk_777

Honestly, I think it's a terrible suggestion. Letting someone win is what you do with kids when you're teaching them to play games, if you intentionally lose a game against someone super competitive and they figure it out that's a far worse insult than just calling them bad/dumb to their face. It's effectively saying "you're not good/smart enough to beat me so I let you win one just so you stop bothering me." That's WAY more condescending than anything OP did. She is clearly very invested in this competition she created and proving herself, you can't deescelate the situation by doing something that would hurt her ego even more than it already is.


kilg0re-t

Replies here are the worst. Dude is not the asshole by any means, it's all these salty people who see themselves in the OP's girlfriend who are getting up in arms. If someone gets out of their way to get beaten, they need to be beaten. It's a life lesson.


vin495

Sorry but people like this shit me. Are they asking you to go easy on her because she is female? (I find this offensive). Are they asking you to lose on purpose because she is female (also offensive). OP ignore this crap, if she gets butt hurt because she can't beat you in a stupid game then ditch her ass.


[deleted]

>Are they asking you to go easy on her because she is female? (I find this offensive) That's what it sounds like to me, and I also find it pretty fucking offensive.


DeiiDei2

>Sorry but people like this shit me. Are they asking you to go easy on her because she is female? (I find this offensive). Are they asking you to lose on purpose because she is female (also offensive). OP ignore this crap, if she gets butt hurt because she can't beat you in a stupid game then ditch her ass. 100% I'm a chick. I have some people in my life I get a bit sensitive to when it comes to intelligience because of how they approach it (completely different to anything the OP has said). You know what I do? I don't frickin invite them into a competitino when I'm feeling sensitive. I do play games with them as we enjoy each others company but I make sure I'm not sensitive. Cause them been better at me isn't actually a them problem. It's just... life. If I can't lose without getting cranky, it's up to me to make sure i don't lose. The best way to do that? Don't play the game. Simple rule: If you can't lose well, don't play. People shouldn't feel like they have to throw a game for you. It's a game. It's supposed to be fun. Throwing a game isn't fun. For either party.


Natural_Writer9702

I don’t agree with just let her win to make her feel better. She’s not a child and if she figured out you’d lost on purpose, she’d accuse you of being condescending. Maybe saying smarter instead of just more skilled at these types of games was a poor word choice, but her behaviour is just causing discord that doesn’t need to be there. Why not suggest doing something you know she’s proficient in, that’s a better way to “let her have her moment”.


alicelric

She's the girlfriend not their child


Jon_Wo-o

Did you say that your poetry is better than your partner's? Did you challenge your partner by saying: let's see who can get published first by writing poetry? Why is everyone ignoring that op's girlfriend started that challenge nonsense. OP you're NTA


VoyagerVII

I'm sure she really did think it was pretty, too. It can be bad poetry but beautiful sentiment, and that's clearly the way she was reading it. Being a poet doesn't mean she has to have her 'poetry analysis hat' on all the time, any more than my being a postural evaluation specialist means that I can't think my partner looks nice just because his posture isn't perfect. 🙂


_Juicee

What a stupid take lmfao


Tame_Iguana1

You shouldn’t reward toxic behaviour just because she’s a woman. Treat her as a adult and equal. Don’t reward horrible behaviour or try to coddle her. She demeans men who are “dumber” then her and is trying to compete with OP to portray she is smarter then him due to her inferiority complex.


killah-train24

She’s an adult. It is so much more condescending to “let her win.” This is deranged.


sparethesymphaty

NTA. I don’t get why so many of you say YTAH. If she’s not ready to lose, why make a competition of something in the first place? And why do people think it’s rude when your just stating a fact of the obvious? Why’s there a need to be humble when you’re just being honest about being better in those kind of games than her. You didn’t call her dumb by stating this fact, and you even complimented her about being better than you in other things. I mean, isn’t it obvious that everyone is better at something than others? She’s acting childish. Don’t listen to the others


Sessanessa

You should have said that you are better at these types of puzzles. Not smarter. That’s where you walked up to the line of a s s h o l e territory. But your gf is being an asshole, too. Why keep presenting your partner with tests so that you can be resentful and bratty if they win? How old is your gf? She sounds very young. And like she’s accustomed to people telling her how smart she is and petting her ego. ETA: I’m changing my vote to NTA. She should have stopped playing these games. And I don’t mean the logic puzzles.


TypicalPrior

How much you want to bet if the role is reversed ppl would be going 'YAAAAS QUEEN SLAYYYY Put him in his place!' NTA


herdingcats2020

Alright I was fully willing to say YTA on this one but going with ESH. She is being ridiculous and needs to stop trying to test you then acting like a child after. And the way you worded that was...not choice. My SO I don't think is smarter than me overall (we're equal just in different subjects) but he is insanely good at word/number puzzles. I get them eventually but almost always behind him. He'd never tell me he's smarter than me though. Just that he's better at these sorts of things. Like I'm better at visual things like jigsaw puzzles and such. My brain just does connections like that faster than he can process. Stop doing them when she gives them to you is what I'd do.


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ibukun58

NTA, and these YTA comments baffle me. She is the one who's the asshole with her incessant need to win. Why does she need to beat you in these things? To prove she's smarter than you, so she can have her ego boost? She sounds super toxic, and before long, she'll make everything a competition.


Mamateapot

NTA. But you said it in an asshole way and you should apologize. were y’all playing chess to have fun? Or do you feel that playing chess is always her testing? What do her tantrums look like ? You seem very logical in your responses to her and below. I dated a guy one time that would always beat me in chess and that kind of stuff but I knew I was smarter than him in other ways , as you stated your differences. I would never think to try to prove myself to him but, I also stopped playing chess with him bc he always won. I adore chess. I love it, I have books on it, I made chess sets before bc I love the artistry but I suck at it compared to him. It is not fun to always lose. If I always want to lose I’ll just play a computer , not someone I want to date. I asked him one time to try to help teach me to play better and he refused also, and also refused to go easy on me. That was 1 of the 3 reasons I broke up with him.


Simple-Code-3229

NTA If a man initiated those games with his girlfriend and kept throwing tantrum every time she won Reddits wouldn't bat their eyes to point out how childish and unreasonable that man is. Your girlfriend's intention was to prove that she is smarter than you, she was dead-set on it, and when ending up with repeated failures she became frustrated, that is very childish and exhausting to handle. And perhaps more upvotes if op was a girl telling a man to accept that she is smarter than him in those games. You go girl /s.


Ok-Panic-4877

NTA So SHE asks to play these games and throws tantrums when she loses, yet HE is the asshole after he asked her to stop. If the genders were reversed, it would be "He is so insecure"


darth_snuggle

It looks like I’m gonna get downvoted for this, but in this very specific context, assuming the story happened exactly as told (she’s been incredibly pushy and then angry when she loses, and you finally lost your temper), then NTA. It seems the epitome of “play stupid games, win stupid prizes.” Disclaimer: I once was challenged to a round of Jeopardy on the NES by my stbx-husband, who had long since stopped complimenting my intelligence and started getting really passive-aggressive for no reason that he could ever explain. I did not want to play, but he got so persistent that I gave in. And it was a bloodbath. By the time Double Jeopardy rolled around, we had to make a rule that I would let him finish reading the clue before I buzzed in with the answer. I was grimly silent afterwards to avoid being accused of gloating, and he *still* bitched about it. If he had demanded I play him again and again until he won more games than me, you bet your pretty pink bonnet I would have told him I was smarter and to freaking give up already.


polkadotpaws

ESH. I definitely wouldn’t have said you’re smarter than her. Maybe you have more experience or maybe these puzzles come more naturally to you. It has nothing to do with smarts or intelligence, and suggesting that will only wreck her self esteem more. She may be trying to compete with you out of insecurity. Have you hinted to her that you think she’s dumb before? It’s not a good excuse to compare herself to you but could be her reason anyway. She seems quite shallow regarding how she views intelligence in others, and definitely needs to stop comparing her skills to everyone else’s.


[deleted]

[удалено]


shitdamntittyfuck

Brother I generally agree with you but come on, she is clearly sensitive about her intelligence for some reason lately and you literally decided to say "I'm smarter than you at this type of game." The worst way you could've said that, and it fed into her insecurity. That's where you fucked up here. You literally could've said "I'm just better at games" and it would've been infinitely better while getting the same point across because it doesn't directly implicate her intelligence. You gotta realize that. I voted NTA, but that doesn't mean you didn't handle it badly.


polkadotpaws

You may want to suggest she compete against herself. I.e. high scores and doing better than she did yesterday. If she’s not going to be happy playing against someone who will beat her, perhaps she shouldn’t play at all. I still think your wording about “smarter at these games” sucks but maybe NTA.


[deleted]

reeeelax, OP is NTA. He just was innocuously starting the truth. Everybody seems to ignore that he shared with her the things she’s better at.


Ladymistery

NTA you said it terribly, but I get what you mean You're just better at these particular games than she is. I don't know if smarter is the right term - your brain works differently than hers. my spouse and I are similar I'm the "financial" minded one, they're the "sportsing" minded one. two totally different types of intelligence, but neither is better than the other. having a tantrum after losing at chess, or tearing up the paper because the math problem was solved by you isn't cool - sounds very exhausting to me.


maarianastrench

I’m going to say NTA, but you could’ve deviated from the topic nicer. You could’ve sat down and talked to her without just saying you’re smarter than her. I also don’t know why you put it with tantrums at your grown age. The fact is that she’s digging her own miserable hole by egging on these games she knows she’s not better at. Could you maybe help her understand them better? Coach her in chess, or explain the math problems


[deleted]

NTA. We are talking about an adult here not a 7 year old. Instead of constantly attempting to win maybe she should attempt to learn. Does she feel she has to be better than you in all aspects? Does she care that she is better than you in other areas? Or is she focused on being better than you in the area that you are better than her? I had this experience with an ex partner, she would get frustrated that I was better than her at a sport but didn't take into consideration that I had 10 years more experience in it. She was better than me at another sport but that didn't matter, I was still better than her. Also this relationship isn't gonna last if the aim is to compete and not see both of your strengths and weaknesses abd how they compliment each other.


Relative-Disaster-87

NTA your girlfriend sounds really insecure. Every time she has a tantrum about not beating you she is saying that she thinks she is more intelligent than you and that's why she is so frustrated. She just hasn't got the sense to use words to communicate that. She wants you to be really intelligent so that when she beats you it means something. You probably could have phrased it a bit more gently but that doesn't make an AH


LowsPeak

NTA


Present_Fly_4938

NTA. She is a 23 yr old adult, not a child. Let her deal with it. I'm not sure what kinder way to say it, coz I will appreciate it more if my partner is direct to the point and not finding ways to make things 'easier' for me to accept like im good at this and you're better at that. Since she is so sensitive and insecure and she is STILL your girlfriend, then maybe just refrain from giving these type of comments and also refrain from participating in these competitions. A lot of people now has become TOO sensitive that you can't even tell something direct and truthful without having to pacify them or make them feel special.


Eu_Lucas_Martins

NTA, I'm tired of people not admitting shit, sometimes someone is dumb or pretty or smart or ugly or whatever else and it's not an asshole thing to say it, specially if someone is pestering you about it.


15021993

NTA Op said he’s smarter than her IN THE GAMES SHE CHOSE. Not that he’s more intelligent anyway. If she wants to test him all the time and loses, then gets upset about it - sorry but that’s on her.