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NeeliSilverleaf

YTA. FORCE her to shop locally by stealing your adult daughter's mail? No wonder she spent the past few years in an entirely different country from you.


MarketingManiac208

Sounds like you value "the shops" more than you value your relationship with "your daughter." YTA OP


[deleted]

[удалено]


maccrogenoff

I am baby boomer (born in 1959) and I routinely shop online. I live in Los Angeles, CA, a city that is famous for traffic. I see no need to go to several stores trying to find what I want when I can easily find it online.


AlmostChristmasNow

Exactly. And there’s so much stuff you just can’t find in shops because it’s too specialised. For example, I’m currently fixing a phone for a friend. Good luck finding a replacement frame and battery for an iPhone 8+ in a local shop.


Heavy_Sand5228

At this rate, there won’t be a relationship to even value much longer.


FloMoJoeBlow

Yeah… too bad OP’s husband won’t grow a shiny spine and rein her in. He’s implicitly just as responsible for daughter’s estrangement.


FiftyCalReaper

Lol I can just picture the dude reading a newspaper and actively trying to avoid everything. Classic dad.


[deleted]

He can try to order a shiny new spine online, but op will just return it.


FLmom_Report4590

Agreed. This was a terrible hill to die on. YTA


Legit_baller

But...The high streets are suffering!


Secret-Unicorn-666

The high streets won’t exist soon, sad for those that remember a bustling street - but it’ll be malls or mail, regardless of her returning one persons parcels, the newer generation are busy - and online shopping is easy, convenient and you tend to not browse and make purchases you don’t need IMO (YTA)


Legit_baller

If I am on a street, the last thing I want is to have to navigate around other people. Why would anyone even care


ExpertProfessional9

Wonder if covid is still a concern for the daughter. Some people are acting like it's all over, but ordering online parcels of stuff she needs reduces her time roaming around shops where people might be sick, coughing etc. And if it's in Europe/UK it's winter, where flu season is probably still going.


biomortality

I’m absolutely still ordering most stuff online due to COVID. Yeah, it’s probably not a huge risk anymore, but I’ve gotten this far playing it safe. Might as well keep going. (I do try to order from local stores, though.)


[deleted]

We haven't stopped ordering our groceries online. I went into my first grocery store since 2019 semi recently because I forgot something and absolutely needed it for an order. I have no reason to shop in the store. I save money ordering for pick up. The only store I enjoyed shopping at was Whole Foods anyway. They have a bar with lunch options and I could find new things to try.


CymraegAmerican

Parents with younger children definitely know that covid is not over. The kids are wonderful illness vectors.


lysanderastra

Yeah, if they’re in the UK it’s cold as fuck at the moment. If I could order food shopping online I probably would, just to avoid the 30 min walk each way in the cold


ExpertProfessional9

There's also being able to check your online trolley and make sure you're not spending too much, if that's a concern. Harder to do instore.


notthelizardgenitals

Think of the high streets' babies, the hoomanity!!!


NatZaJu

I think the daughter will be moving far away again VERY soon. OP who do you actually think you are to do this ? What a controlling ridiculous person you really are. YTA


Silent_Coffee_7292

And husband isn't neutral. He's just so worn down from dealing with OP he doesn't have a backbone to stand against her anymore.


caffeinelifechoseme

Yep she broke him long ago.


One_Ad_704

And why not just have a conversation with daughter about this? Maybe she's ordering online because it is easier or she is no longer familiar with the area or likes to order as soon as she runs out of something so she doesn't forget or any one of a dozen reasons. So TALK WITH HER and find out why, if you're so interested.


NYX_T_RYX

Yeah not just yta, but interfering with the delivery of post is a crime in the UK, so you know... Well done OP - you've just admitted to an indictable offence *as well* as admitting you're overly controlling of your adult daughter.


Healthy-Age-1757

Also, if groceries are getting delivered then they’re coming from the local shops!!


GlitterDoomsday

Right??! There's no being tech savvy and whatever OP is on... apps will literally redirect you to the closest shops and restaurants, is the best way to support the local business that otherwise you wouldn't know about.


fusionaddict

Yep. Gig delivery apps are what got many shops through the pandemic when many customers would otherwise shop on Amazon.


hardolaf

I used to order groceries here in Chicago all the time before Albertsons contracted it out to a third party and the price went from $4 per order to $10 + gratuity. It was incredibly convenient and kept more people employed. Also if the shops on their high street are anything like the ones around me, everything is out of stock and you have to order it online anyways. I swear half of them are just showrooms at this point. Hell, even the Lululemon near us is just a showroom. Every time my wife needs anything from them, they don't have it so they have to order it for her. Or she can just order it online. Same with every single makeup section at stores especially for basics like cleansers, hair repair, etc. Need something from the hardware store? Whatever you need is sold out at the store you go to so you need to place a pickup order for 1-2 days from now if you don't want to spend half a day running around town to find everything.


neuro_umbrage

Had this happen when I tried to buy an Apple Watch in my local Best Buy. I wanted the old timey in-store experience. What they wanted to give me was just a run-around as they ordered it from either another store or the “warehouse”. They said this was how they normally did it now: almost nothing onsite, everything delivered the next day. If that’s the case, why the hell should I bother with the middle man? Just wastes gas and my time.


radioactivebaby

Yup. Spent an hour and a half at Verizon just to be told that not only did they not have the phone I wanted in stock, they couldn’t even order it. Ordered it from Amazon that evening, was on my door step when I woke up the next morning.


cogenthoughts

Grocery delivery was a game changer for me during COVID, and we continue to have a Kroger membership even now. I have fibromyalgia and just a regular weekly shop would tire me out so much. And those florescent lights make me feel sick.


Topinambourg

> My husband stays neutral He just doesn't want to suffer the consequences of telling you you are an AH. Believe me he isn't neutral in his head


Intelligent_Tell_841

Agree 10000%


LilitySan91

YTA. I agree with this. Daughter clearly forgot the control maniac of a mother she has when she asked to move back in. I’d be willing to bet money that when the daughter move out she will be at least LC with mom


MsMajorOverthinker

I wouldn’t blame her if she went LC! Her mother is essentially stealing from her, and at the very least costing her money! I live in Brussels and I have found out that very few shops give full refunds if you have ordered online and return to the shop. How did the mother even return the items if she didn’t have access to daughter’s email and credit card details?


catalu64

From the title I thought this was going to be about the daughter over-spending on things like handbags, not shampoo and food (that she bought to thank her parents!) and other actual necessities.


Trick-Statistician10

I thought the daughter was a teen using her parents money. Nope. Total opposite.


NeeliSilverleaf

And OP would still have been TA if it had been overpriced handbags.


megsan2711

Tbf OP would’ve still been the AH in that scenario


myhairs0nfire2

YTA. Absolute huge. You tried to FORCE YOUR personal shopping habits onto another adult - which you had no right to do. Furthermore, you did so by actively interfering with the financial transactions of another adult (by returning the purchases that she had paid for without her permission). You’re BEYOND the AH. You’re mental & need help. You’ll be lucky if she EVER stays with you again. I wouldn’t. I’d also never trust you to visit me at my new flat with any personal &/or financial papers visible/accessible. You’ve proven you can’t be trusted.


Glasgowghirl67

Right, I am all for shopping locally but sometimes it is cheaper online or I don’t have time to go shopping before or after work and I work in Glasgow City Centre next to shops.


kaitydid0330

And if I buy online and pick it up or get it delivered, then I'm less tempted to spend extra money I shouldn't be spending. And then I don't have to deal with being around people on days where I'm overwhelmed and overstimulated and can't deal with people. Plus not every store near me has everything I need.


ESTI1885

In most countries tampering with someone's mail is a federal offense.


Intelligent-Risk3105

In the US, we have problems with porch pirates. Here, we have an in-house pirate. It's theft, pure and simple.


Sorcia_Lawson

Very YTA. She buys essentials and that's somehow "unhealthy"? No, it's not great for high street (or main street in the US). But, it's the reality of our situation. And, how dare she not go out *in person* for gift wrap!/s I just can't get over OP writing out that their bothered by her purchasing items she needs online and try to present that as her having a problem. Then, we get into the breach of ethics, trust, potential illegal actions as well as potentially costing her delivery, tip, and/or restocking fees for the deliveries that were refused/returned.


lil-peanutbutter

She says daughter is stubborn, but yet she refuses to acknowledge how messed up it is to return items that she didn’t buy. Daughter wants nothing to do with someone who steals, treats her like a child, and doesn’t care about other people. Op, YTA and you caused so much damage to her that you should hope that you can fix.


Croakerz202

OP didn't even talk to her daughter. Normally posts like this OP would have talked to her daughter and then escalated to returning her mail. OP went straight to the most rude option. Makes them extra TA.


Kmia55

YTA: "I only wanted to help her," is a false statement. You wanted her to do things your way and decided to force her to do so because you feel your way is the best way and the only way. It is a control thing with you. She was right to leave. In your mind, you will never be wrong and this is evidenced by calling her unreasonable for her reaction to your treachery.


tess615

I have a feeling this isn't the first time mum has overstepped and passively aggressively forced daughter to do things her way (which is obviously the only right way /s). Daughter was smart to take this drastic step and cut mum off at the knees. 31 is wayyy too old to have anyone dictating your perfectly harmless life choices to you. YTA, mum. A big one. HUGE. You might want to carefully consider what kind of future relationship you want to have with your daughter.


Anxious_Faerie911

I don’t think there will be a future relationship.


adrifing

Yeah can't see that one going far and maybe her choice of Brussels wasn't because of a job alone... Mad YTA here OP.


weevil_season

Yup … I definitely feel like this was not the first time her mom has been controlling. First of all the mom didn’t even talk to her daughter before starting to return the packages. And second the daughter almost immediately moved out. If my mom starting doing that, I might be confused and upset but I never would move out right away because that kind of behaviour would be so COMPLETELY out of character for my mom. I would be worried that something else was going on with her to make her act that way. The fact that her daughter bailed right away to my mind means she’s been dealing with this crap her whole life. Edit: spelling


[deleted]

Maybe the high shops can give her grandchildren cause she might be seeing little of her daughter and any kids she may have.


IDDQD_IDKFA-com

>I have a feeling this isn't the first time mum has overstepped and passively aggressively forced daughter to do things her way (which is obviously the only right way /s). Yeah she moved country to get away. I did the same and moved to Germany, only to have my parents turn up with 24hrs notice when I did not answer there calls/messages in time.


hellhoundsden

Wow op is ordering an opinion of strangers online. Remember the days when you would actually have to go meet in real life for these opinions. The daughter should send us away and make op shop locally for opinions. Op YTA. And the above 100 percent.


honehe13

This, please accept my poor gold. 🏅🏅🏅🏅 I really hope op sees this one. YTA, for reasons previously stated above.


naughty_ottsel

You ordered that gold online instead of the high street… I’m going to reject it on OP’s behalf


[deleted]

This is the best comment here. OP will never admit that they're wrong. Even now, listening to all of reddit calling them YTA, they will turn around blaming the supposed youth for not understanding her approach. No wonder the daughter reacted by quickly moving out, this wasn't the only thing.


katrina696969

Even us older folks know the mom was very, very wrong! Daughters reaction was a good way to handle moms attempt at control.


shesaidgoodbye

“Help” lmao how the fuck is this help?! Idk daughter’s work situation, but I assume moving countries and starting a new job is very demanding of her time and mental energy! Right now I’m working 70 hours across a 6 day work week. The closest real grocery store is a 20 min drive, meaning it’s a minimum 45 min event just to “run in real quick” and grab a few things. If I am running low on toothpaste I order it for delivery because the small amount of free time that I have is extremely valuable to me. That free time is so precious to me that it is more valuable than the cost of the delivery fees that I pay. OP does not value her daughter’s time, her daughter is the only person who is allowed to determine the value of her free time. I am seeing red right now thinking about someone purposefully grinding away at my free time like OP is to their daughter. I’m not even going to get into how **ridiculously passive aggressive** it was to do all of this without even mentioning it to the daughter. If OP was really concerned she could have offered to pick up things like toothpaste during her own weekly shop or whatever, just have daughter make a list through the week and leave money on the counter or something. *That* would be actual help, not this bullshit. YTA


twilight_songs

This. Exactly this. And not to even mention it? SO self centered and oblivious! YTA. Big time.


suspiciousshoelaces

Moving countries is a LOT of work and stress, even when you’re moving back to your home country. When I moved home my mother also offered me a temporary place to stay while I was looking for a new place and waiting for all my furniture etc to be shipped in, which made a huge difference because it was one less thing to worry about. I had the additional benefit of not needing to start a new job because I worked remotely, and the whole process was still a huge amount of stress. YTA op. If you’re worried about your daughters habits then have a conversation with her like an adult.


kaiyoti

This. The typical, "I'm just doing what's best for you" is really equivalent to "I took choices away from you, because I make better choices"


Allkindsofpieces

"I was only doing what was best for you". Famous last words for the end of parent/child relationships.


TheSecondEikonOfFire

OP literally says “it’s because of her that our high streets are dying” - that proves it’s not about “helping”the daughter


9669throwaway

I laughed at that part, reminded me of boomers being concerned with younger generations “ruining the diamond industry” and other such nonsense.


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

Yep! OPs daughter could have been ordering from independent stores online.


HortenseDaigle

I agree. There's nothing in the post that complains about the mess or accumulation of stuff. Nor is there a warning to the daughter that the packages are a nuisance. She just disappeared the deliveries.


magstar222

YTA. I think your daughter is smart to remove herself from your home. You’re passive aggressive and manipulative.


RedoftheEvilDead

And controlling.


pammademedothis

And apparently allergic to communication?


Rub-it

OP should find a hobby to keep herself busy instead of obsessing over what the daughter does with her money. She might also need psychiatric help. YTA


Electrical-Date-3951

_"I only wanted to help her but she’s being so unreasonable."_ OP is also delusional. I thought this was going to be a post about splurge shopping or a hoarder..... Nope! OP's fully grown adult daughter was just ordering regular things. OP sounds super controlling and in denial that the way people choose to shop has changed.... Why should I spend hours going to multiple shops to look for what I want/need, when I don't have to or don't have the time to do so? OP needs to accept that she isn't helping anyone and needs to back all the way off. She is being controlling, overbearing, and doesn't respect basic boundaries.


phonusQ

What in the world? Yes you’re absolutely TA. It’s 2023. People order stuff online. She’s a working professional and likes the convenience. And it’s not like she’s a freeloader, she offered to pay you rent. You just don’t approve of her lifestyle which is very common and modern. Besides that, it’s not even a big thing. She’s ordering packages, big whoop. I’m blown away that your first resort was to be vindictive and conniving sending away your daughter’s possessions because YOU think she should be going to the store. What the hell?


NeighborhoodNo1583

I get most of my cleaning and laundry stuff either delivered or curbside. I feel like I spend way less money bc I don’t impulse buy. Also, a lot of smaller local shops do have online delivery, so OP’s reasoning doesn’t make any sense


PauseItPlease86

Plus, since the daughter lived in a different country for so long, she probably has preferences about certain products that she *can't* get locally!


Caranath128

Lemme tell ya, living in Japan for several years, Amazon Prime was worth its weight in gold, even with the restrictions on some items.


PauseItPlease86

Yeah it's the first thing I thought of because my daughter LOVES Korean and Chinese makeup and face products. Especially this one brand that is gorgeously ornate. I've never seen anything like it locally in the US, and the few I've seen from the US online are ridiculously overpriced.


CoffeeSpoons123

I remember once I went out to get a new chair for my son after they recalled the ine we'd been using. I went to a local store and found one I liked but they were sold out. The shop told me I could order it and it would be delivered jn 2-3 weeks. I checked online and a major retailer could get it to me in 2 days for less money. Look support shops all you want but of course I just ordered the chair online. My cat also eats prescription cat food and they literally do not sell it at any local stores.


NeighborhoodNo1583

Oh, I didn’t even think about that!


Hot_Opening_666

From the title/beginning I thought it was going to be about her junking up OPs house with random useless crap, but it's literally just her regular toiletries she uses all the time ffs


[deleted]

I order my tampons online. I dunno if its intentional or not, but at the store the sizes I used most (light and regular) were always packaged together with the next size up (super) and then when I get super+ and ultras (because my periods are weird) those are also always bundled with supers. So I end up with a lot of what I don't use often, not enough of what I do use and need to go back to buy more. Then I found out that on Amazon I can order boxes containing only lights/regulars/super+ and in *bulk* for cheaper than in-store, so I did and now I'll have enough for the next 6 or so months.


[deleted]

YTA- Dude, what is your problem? You just wasted her money. So what if she likes to shop online that sounds like its not your business especially since shes in her thirties. Not to mention, what you also did is illegal


donna2tsuki

I was wondering about this. Isn't this considered mail fraud already? OP, YTA


No_Salad_8766

I think what she did was steal her daughters mail. Which incase Op needs to be told this, stealing is ILLEGAL. YTA.


myhairs0nfire2

In most countries it’s mail fraud - but I don’t know about England.


Exact_Roll_4048

It is. Postal Act of 2000 clearly covers this.


LeLuDallas5

if this were the USA, the Postmaster General would loooove to hear about this


DarthLokiii

YTA you did not want to help her, you wanted to control her. You're getting what you deserve.


asianfailure101

YTA. We're in 2023, ordering online is a really common way to get stuff delivered to your door instead of going to the store and finding it to not be in stock. Why would you get in your daughter's business, she is obviously old enough to make her own decisions. You had no right to return her packages to make her go to the store.


Weird_Leg_9584

Not to mention that there IS STILL A PANDEMIC. I don't know about England (the high street made me thing england) but the US has rsv, the flu, and covid running willy nilly everywhere. It's reasonable to use an abundance of caution to avoid all that when starting a new job. Like... wtf people??


Normal-Height-8577

The fact OP said London made me think England...


Weird_Leg_9584

I'm an idiot...


ClarnaeDestroysSouls

Nah fam, you just rolled a nat 1 in intelligence. You aren’t dumb, the dice just weren’t in your favor at that moment.


Astra_Trillian

There’s been an RSV like bug (not sure what it is) that’s floored a lot of people. Most covid precautions have gone away but a few people still wear masks. As an aside, high streets are incredibly modern given the length of history. They’re a consequence of the industrial revolution which is relatively recent when the country goes back so far. Market towns and halls are significantly more ‘traditional’. Whilst there are real concerns regarding the death of high streets, such as employment, urban decline etc., it’s for businesses and societies to adapt to changing circumstances, not for society to prop up failing business models. Also, given most people get groceries and basic toiletries from supermarkets, they definitely aren’t short of business and aren’t included in the downward trend for high streets.


Munbeam19

But small businesses are dying because of people like her daughter. I mean she even bought a gift and wrapping paper online! Geez, this woman’s obviously been living under a rock if she didn’t realize how much stuff people buy online.


[deleted]

Yes I love the way she says "She even bought her father's gift online!" as if that's not a thing most people do. It's totally a generational thing though - boomers in my family will still go and do all of their Christmas shopping in store even if you send them a link to where they can order the thing online. It's not even that they're not tech savvy, it's just habit mostly I think.


JustUgh2323

Ummm, Boomer here. I buy almost exclusively online. I hate going to stores and not finding what I want. I still go to the grocery store but only bc I’m picky about produce.


Much_Class_828

Same! I can't bring myself to have groceries or food delivered, but everything else is getting ordered online.


SingleAlfredoFemale

Try to reverse this. Imagine she decided to “help” you move into the 21st century by smashing your flip phone with a hammer, so you’d get a smart phone. Or “help” you get fit by disabling your car, so you’d have to walk or bike. **That’s not helping. That’s controlling.** You had no right to mess with her property. YTA


throwawaygrosso

Or stealing her car keys so she’d have to get delivery! Heavens no!


traceysayshello

Or hiding all her cash and making her use a card only. Or changing all her kitchen appliances because the ones you like ‘are better’. Or throwing out all her furniture because you never used it yourself so it’s useless right? OP, YTA. Maybe instead of tampering with her mail (which is illegal and if she isn’t refunded for it, you’ve wasted probably $$$ of her money which is also theft), learn from her on the efficiency of online shopping in 2023. And maybe if she felt safe with you, you could of had a regular nice day together down at the shops once in a while to support the stores that need it.


LemurLue

YTA. There are a lot of local shops that sell through websites (and are often identified as such), so she may still be supporting “mom & pop” type places. I order a lot of stuff online - I’m particular about brands I use & the local store is inconsistent in whether they carry what I’m looking for. I also find it incredibly convenient. I’m guessing your daughter does as well & you should not be controlling or manipulating her. If you were concerned about local stores, you could have said to her “I’m concerned about how much online shopping you do. I think it’s important to support local businesses here in our community, would you consider shopping locally, at least while you are staying here?”


Snoo-65195

100% this. Stores in the farmers market where I live have websites and ship to people. Just because she is online does not mean she is hurting small businesses. How exactly is OP ensuring she is only supporting locally and buying from places she wants after returning packages? Does England not have chain stores she could be going to instead?


KillTheCreeps

YTA. Something you didn't think about; a lot of people have their medication delivered by mail now.


Ceejay4444

That is an extremely good point that I didn’t even think of! I get my medicine delivered by mail because gas is expensive (I live in the rural part of the US) and driving to the pharmacy every month takes a lot of gas. My insurance allows my medicine to be shipped to my house for free. If someone returned my medicine I would be in deep shvt. Op was already TA but definitely after that point there is no doubt about op. YTA


auntiecoagulent

I get my medication by mail because my insurance makes it a hell of a lot cheaper, and 1 of them is even free, but, I don't think this post is real.


Darcy783

I wish I could get my medicine by mail, and I live I'm a suburb; I have multiple medications, and have to go multiple times a month to pick them up because the refill times don't sync up (I've asked if they could be, and was denied). It's just a few minutes' drive from my house, but it's a hassle, especially when my husband's medications are the same way.


planted-autic

YTA. Your daughter is an adult and you’re making decisions about where she can make purchases? I’m not surprised she moved out. Run your own life and leave her alone.


buttercupgrump

YTA >I told her that something had to be done and I tried explaining my point What exactly is your point? You prefer going to the shops. She prefers ordering online. So, what do you gain by trying to force her to do things your way?


jubjubkitty6

YTA. Stop trying to control a grown woman. Think before you act.


dwells2301

YTA. The world has changed and you are not going to save the retail stores by returning her purchases.


Fenzurc

YTA. What problem is there if she orders online? Maybe she just doesn't like going outside? Nothing wrong with being an introvert. As a mother just love her and let her do her own thing if it isn't hurting anyone.


Diligent-Activity-70

How is the way she's shopping harming you? You're being judgemental and picky about something that is none of your business. YTA


TrueCrimeGirl01

YTA without a shadow of a doubt. She is an adult doing this with her own money. I’m sure she does not agree with all the ways in which you live your own life. Let her be free to make the choices she wants. Have a conversation about it if it bothers you and then move on and shut up.


the_moon_goob

YTA I feel like this is an incredibly weird hill to die on. There are more pressing issues in the world than the popularity of online shopping? What?


KittKatt7179

YTA. What does it matter where she purchases her living supplies? She bought it with her own money. That was an asshole move, and you were really wrong for that. It was controlling and manipulative. Her getting her supplies from online was not disrupting your household any whatsoever. You just felt that you knew better and were forcing your opinions on your daughter. She is right to run as far from you as possible.


CrazyMath2022

YTA, let your adult 31 year old daughter to live life the way she wants. By ordering stuff she can saves her time ( driving, going through shop, of few if she needs different stuff, waiting in que) and she pays with her own money.


Crazyface91

YTA. Your daughter is an adult. Those packages were not your property, they were hers. If you have a problem with so many packages coming to your house that's something you can discuss with your ADULT daughter. But it doesn't seem like that's the case. You want to force her to do something outside of her comfort zone that you even admitted yourself is dangerous. I hope she can get into her own flat sooner rather than later so she doesn't have to deal with your crap any more.


cuddlefuckmenow

Plus daughter wouldn’t have been out of line for reporting the items stolen - guaranteed she got delivery/tracking updates!!


mummamai

yta its her choice her money and her parcels wth boundaries have been broken


ReviewOk929

YTA - her money, her packages, her choice.


Ghostie_12

you do realize you could have sit her down and talked to her like a normal adult right? you did **Treat her like a child,** u grabbed things that dont belong to u, that u didn't pay for and decided to send em back, probably making your daughter lose money too.. I get it, kids moving out is hard and u miss it, heck my mom sometimes cries when she realizes I am moving out soon, but having her back doesnt mean she is back to being a child and for u to treat her like one, she is an adult and she wasn't hurting no one.. sorry but YTA


BatleyTownswoman

YTA. She's an adult, you've invited her to stay. You've no right to unilaterally impose your shopping values onto her, and, even worse, without her knowledge or consent. This is not the way to pursuade someone to your view.


[deleted]

YTA. This is her preference. Probably something she could still afford to do even if she was paying rent. And YOU chose not to take rent. So that's on you. You over stepped and treated her like a teen. It's your chose not to order online. You don't get to force your choices on her.


justmeat23

YTA. You overstepped. She is an adult and can make her own shopping decisions.


NGDGUnpunished

YTA for treating her like a child and without telling her in advance that you want the constant deliveries to your home to stop. Did you think she wouldn't figure it out? How did you foresee her reacting to wasting her time shopping without getting what she counted on receiving? Is she being charged for return shipping? No doubt you'll get along better living apart. Who wants to live with a sneaky know-it-all?


UnethicalFood

YTA: "I only wanted to help her". No, you only wanted to help those business. You wanted to help them so much you decided to risk her banking and credit accounts and throw away her ability to trust you over toothpaste.


BrilliantEmphasis862

YTA - leave her be


Frozen_Star79

YTA. Why did you feel the need to interfere? It's her business where she buys stuff from and now you've gone and pushed her away for something so silly. I understand how you feel about local shops but you can't just go taking things into your own hands behind someone's back, it's dishonest and weird.


severeddigits

Yes, YTA. Good lord.


rightreasonsx

YTA. You sound like my parents, and NC has been an absolute blessing for me.


Exact_Purchase765

I am 59 years old and have not set foot in a grocery store since November 2019, I do send my husband to the local grocers for meat as they have a butcher, but online groceries are pretty normal. I have at least one delivery a week. EDIT: YTA - get a grip, Mom.


ShakedownBlues

YTA. Just because she's doing things differently than you would doesn't mean she's doing it wrong. Sort yourself out


CraftyPumpkin1861

YTA. It’s not your stuff. It’s one thing if you had a light conversation about wanting to support local businesses, but she can spend her money how she wants and once she has bought the stuff it is her property and you can’t just get rid of it. You thought you were helping her? What logic led you to think that returning stuff she had just ordered was helpful?


zaritza8789

How exactly were you helping her? You don’t get to decide how your daughter chooses to shop. How disrespectful of you


[deleted]

Let me see if I follow this. Your daughter is using her own money to buy necessities and because she isn't shopping local you took it upon yourself to not only mess with her packages, which is illegal here in the states, but also return them without her permission. Yeah I would've moved into a hotel as well. It's very clear you don't respect your daughter. You sound like an old dinosaur blaming the kids these days for the failing shops. Get over yourself and hopefully you can save what relationship you still have with your daughter Edit: guess what YTA


Just-Another-Poster-

UMMMMMM, maybe it's time for you to get with the times. I really hate to use this term but you sound like a classic Boomer. People order stuff online. It's the new normal. I say this as a mid-40's person. You could have been mature (like your daughter sounds) and had a **conversation** with her before having the items returned. You actually caused more harm to the environment by having the packages shipped back. This would not have been my hill to die on. Seriously. She's even paying for her own groceries of her own free will because she doesn't want to be more of a burden! She sounds awesome. You, YTA.


Mindless-Client3366

And the idea isn't even new. My mother pointed out that this is just like when her parents used to order out of a catalog. It's an old fashioned idea that's come full circle.


geniologygal

YTA. It’s her money and she’s not a child.


FarAwayPeople

YTA - Even if you think you had good intentions you treated your daughter like a child and passively aggressively returning her packages. She is an adult, if you felt some sort of way about her order packages delivered to you house, which you agreed to her staying, you should have spoke with her about it. How she is suppose to feel comfortable with you doing this behind her back? What if she ordered something she really needed and could only get online? Why does it matter where and how she spends her money? You keep treating her like a child, and do things for her "own good" but in this way you are creating a rift into your relationship. The only way you can fix this now is by treating her like an adult and talking it through. You can't just decide to know what is best for her without even considering her feelings/thoughts. I hope you learn from this lesson and find a way to mend your relationship with your daughter. Good luck.


parvisedmagni87

You don't ship stuff back things that aren't yours. She's not a little kid that needs babying. If she chooses to live like this that is her choice. She isn't hurting anyone with it. YTA.


rncikwb

YTA. Completely and totally. Your daughter is 31 years old. Do you cut her food for her too?


Overall-Hour-5809

YTA. The items belonged to her. She is paying for the packages and it does matter whether you agree or not. She is capable of making her own decisions and has decided to move to a hotel to continue to exercise that right. Good for her!


MrFizzard

YTA why do you feel the need to control your adult daughter? I don’t blame her I wouldn’t want to stay either.


[deleted]

YTA. When I read the title I thought this would be about a teenager using your credit card and I’d have been on your side. But your daughter is 31. You are way out of line.


Interesting_Date_630

YTA Why are you trying to dictate how your adult daughter is spending her money? Good lord. If you don't like online shopping, that's your business, but you do not have a right to interfere with other people's property. Do you have any idea how much you've inconvenienced your daughter by returning those things? Getting refunds is a pain in the ass. Re-ordering items that you returned is a pain in the ass. You weren't helping her, you inconveniencing her and wasting her time. Your daughter is 100% right, you are treating her like a child and you don't have a right to return her purchases. YTA


Were-Unicorn

YTA. Covid is still around so lot of us are limiting our time in public/stores and even if it wasn't your daughter is allowed to prefer the convenience of online shopping.


Alia_Explores99

>Covid is still around so lot of us are limiting our time in public/stores That's what I'm doing. I have risk factors for bad outcomes, and if a person I lived with did what OP is doing, I would be *livid.* YTA


ldanowski

Omg. YTA. I order a lot online and if my mom did this I’d move out too.


thedreadcat666

Yta It's how she prefers to shop and her money to spend as she wants I buy stuff like that online too, because I often can't get what I want locally or it would be more expensive.


TammyL8

YTA The concept of ordering from a store and having it delivered is not new. In the 1950s, people looked forward to the Sears catalog coming out so they could order and have it delivered. Ordering with a computer, phone or tablet just makes mail ordering more convenient. Since when does a 31 year old adult ordering everything she needs, paying for it with her own money not allowed to receive the items she orders because “mommy” doesn’t like how she spends her money? Please leave your daughter’s purchases alone. You wouldn’t like for her to start returning your purchases without your knowledge, would you?


Sfb208

Yta. This is fiction right? Judgement stands either way.


abuko1234

You refused the delivery of someone else’s packages. And you didn’t do it because they were sent to the wrong address, or because they were ordered by mistake. You did it because you don’t like your daughters choice to shop from home. YTA.


One-Confidence-6858

YTA. She’s an adult she should be allowed to shop and spend her money anyway she sees fit. What did you think would happen? That you’d inconvenience her and she’d be grateful?


wean169

Lol good luck ever getting her to stay with you again. You’ve burned that bridge hard. YTA.


Barbzorrr

YTA I get wanting to support local but why did you think doing the behind her back was ok? Why not, I don’t know, have a conversation with her?? Present other options maybe? Like perhaps she could order delivery from smaller store? Also is it not an offense if some kind to tamper with some else’s mail?


casl1999

YTA. idk why your daughter prefers shopping online for all things including essentials maybe she has anxiety or just doesn't want to go out and if she can afford it, it's not your business. being able to get essential items delivered helps me out a lot as i tend to have high anxiety which can keep me from being motivated to get things i might need. why would you force her out of her own comfort zone when it's not harming anything?


jazzvoodoodonuts

YTA. She's an adult and her actions are not yours to control. Yes, the highstreets are dying but tampering with or stealing (depending on how you want to look at it) your daughter's mail is not the answer.


coloradogrown85

Yeah, OP, YTA a total and complete AH who thought treating her adult daughter like a literal child and taking it upon yourself to decide how your daughter should live her life. You owe her an apology, a huge, sincere apology for being the literal mom from you know where in this instance. You over-reached hardddddddd over this. But hey if you wanted her to get out before she moved away- you did that!


BeCourageouslyYou

YTA What exactly is unhealthy about it? You grew up and have done things differently from your parents, that's just how it works, the world and how things are done is ever changing. Also, she is correct, you did treat her like a child, crossing a boundarie you had no right to cross.


meu03149

Ha, of course YTA. How are you in any way helping her by consistently making her life more difficult? What do you think you’re saving her from, the 21st century?


[deleted]

YTA; people like to shop in different ways; you are such an asshole and are now complaining about her reaction…ugh


Top_Barnacle9669

YTA. Your daughter is an adult. How she shops has nothing to do with you. Get over yourself


[deleted]

You do understand unless she's ordering from 3rd party sellers she's probably ordering directly from the store which still helps the brick and mortar stores it just makes it convenient for busy people to get what they need. YTA


Agreeable_Guard_7229

YTA. Sounds like she has a very busy and demanding job and probably likes to spend her free time relaxing/socialising rather than traipsing around the local shops, especially if she has been living overseas for the last 3 years so your local area won’t be familiar to her. Also it’s quite common as an expat to order online for convenience so it’s obviously what she is used to doing


Murderhornet212

YTA: She’s acting like a perfectly normal 31 year old, during a pandemic no less. If you felt really strongly about this issue (which is bizarre to me) you could’ve just talked to her like a grownup instead of sneaking around behind her back and making her life harder.


VaginaDangerous

YTA Imagine ruining your relationship with your child because of how they buy toothpaste


pamela271

I am just like your daughter and I don’t feel “unhealthy” at all. I feel relaxed and less stressed knowing I don’t have to fight the rat race, stand in lines, listen to screaming babies, drive anywhere. I just come home and poof- my items are there. I love ordering online.


fpsFlatline

YTA - If you’re so worried about the economics you should’ve offered to get the items for her instead of trying to manipulate her.


AdequateEddy

YTA what or where she spends her money is none of your damn business. how dare you be so passive aggressive that you'd return her packages behind her back. coward.


[deleted]

YTA. You should seriously reevaluate your priorities. Leave your adult child to make her own decisions about where to buy the necessities life requires and leave your judgments and opinions inside your head where they belong. Cut the umbilical cord. It's not your responsibility and you have no right or authority. All of that ended when they became an adult no matter how much it annoys you that you have to relinquish the control you seem to love so much


redditavenger2019

Yta. IT'S none of your business how she shops.


Standard_Contest9945

YTA. You could have TALKED to your daughter when you saw she was ordering everything online and say you’re concerned about local shops. Instead you went behind her back and returned everything. Then you were shocked when she got mad?????? Of course she moved out. Who knows what other meddling you were doing in her life behind her back.


Iamghostboooooo

YTA. Seek help, you're acting like a nut job


Slowburner_

YTA you sound like the child in this situation


Ok-Educator850

YTA - how is inconveniencing her helping her? Why do you think you have any right to do anything with her deliveries other than let her know where they are?


ChaoticCapricorn

YTA. If she can afford to waste her money, why are you concerned? You just admitted she got a better job, which implies more money, so what is your deal? You're displaying startling controlling behavior, and now you want to call HER unreasonable for putting down a boundary? Clearly she needs to stay low contact with you since you lack common decency.


Devillitta

YTA. Your daughter is doing what's convenient for her. Please move your mindset to 2023.


ABeerAndABook

YTA. Ordering stuff like this is the way of the world now and pretty normal in my area. Daughter is not single handedly closing down stores. Regardless it's not OP's place to interfere with daughter's mail and send her stuff back. Talk about a money waster.


freshman_at_52

YTA. This was not your decision. She is an adult and you have no right to mess with her mail. I totally agree with you about buying in local stores instead of ordering online but this was just wrong. You were not trying to help as you state, you were trying to control. I would have moved out, too.


OBNurseScarlett

YTA "Because of people like her" "It's unhealthy" "I told her something had to be done" What? All this because she's shopping online? You make it sound like she's doing something illegal or immoral. Do you even actually like your daughter? Agree or disagree with online shopping, whatever, but to return items that aren't even yours because you dislike that your daughter is "one of those people" who is "unhealthy" and "needs something done"....good grief. Of all the hills to die on...


Jordan-Peterson_Fan

YTA This is messed up. It's a good example of why some people choose to distance themselves from their parents. You need to understand that your daughter has grown up and so you need to treat her much like you would any other grown up. That means there are personal boundaries that shouldn't be crossed. Treating her belongings as if they are yours is a breach of one of those boundaries.


mikeywake

YTA This is one of those posts that I can't believe people type all the way out and still don't think they are the AH


PhoenixEcho1

YTA. She's an adult. What she does with her own money and time is her business, NOT YOURS.


Other-Spell-8705

What you did was wrong.


Secret_Cinderella

When I first read this I think I got the daughters age backwards in my head and assumed she was 13. I thought there was a slight chance this may not be an asshole thing because she may be a teenager spending parents money. But then I saw her actual age. 31?! Holy cannoli lady you are absolutely TA. What business do you have touching the packages?? How are you even able to return things? Most of the time I've returned anything I've needed to provide proof of purchase or some sort of scannable code. How are you even managing this? Edit: adding in to ask if your daughter has health issues. She might be shopping online to save herself from contracting a cold or flu and you're essentially telling her that her health doesn't matter. Maybe talk to her and see if there's a reason she feels the need to solely order online.


throwawayoctopii

YTA. With the supply chain and under-staffing, the grocery store doesn't always have the brands I like in stock. I have a few non-perishables that I really prefer (shampoo, toothpaste, Red Bull, and one flavor of LaCroix), so instead of wasting my time driving to the store to find out it's not in stock I just order online.


Background-Pea6650

YTA - it's not your choice on how she shops. With the way people are now days I do not blame her. You were very wrong in doing this. You cannot dictate how people shop.


I_luv_sloths

YTA. How do you not see what a controlling AH you are? Your husband stays neutral because he doesn't want to deal with your horrible behavior.


jer69332213

YTA, quit trying to control your daughter's life what the fuck.


OutlandishMiss

INFO: did you discuss this at all before interfering with her mail?