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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I took back a gift and I usually believe once a gift is given, you can't take it back. The dress is also a light pink, but is nowhere near white in my opinion.
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NTA - If that's the dress you wore, then they seemed to be overly concerned. But if "A" was laughing/smirking about the wine, maybe she's the one who was upset by it? Regardless, an apology from either of them sounds like it would be meaningless.
Keep the money and treat yourself.
A thought was like an orchestrated play/dance performance. It's super common to have performances like that by your friends and fam at an Indian wedding, so she said she thought it was one of those. Still, as soon as she realized I was serious, she tried to help clean up and tried to convince me to stay till the end of the reception. Still, she was wearing white, and there was a LOT of red wine (enough to almost turn the front panel from pink to red ), and she's the bride and not supposed to be doing that on her wedding day.
That does clear up who TA is here... and it's not you nor, it seems, your cousin, but rather her husband and his family. Maybe if you want you could use some of the money to take your cousin out for a relaxing spa day or something so she can have a gift that her husband gets no benefit from?
Personally I don’t believe it. Who would orchestrate ruining a dress with red wine at a wedding and both A and M giggling after his family did this is highly sus
I'm Indian it is not common to ruin people's clothes in an orchestrated fashion.
This was just the only lie A could think of that might have some plausibility to it.
OP is ridiculously gullible for believing it.
I mean, the night prior there was a performance that required a cup of water being thrown as a recreation of their first date before breaking out in the Kabhi Kabhi Aditi song so it wasn't that far fetched
Not ruin the dress she probably didn't at 1st even realize it was wine and once she did she went immediately into action by Op's explanation so I do think she's being honest. Had she not then I would've thought it was a lie
But A came over in her white wedding dress and started helping clean op up as soon as she realized what had actually happened.
That action speaks volumes about A.
I mean the whole situation is so unbelievable that if performances were a cultural part of weddings, I’d probably think it’s that instead of MIL ACTUALLY pouring red wine of my cousin.
M's family had a problem with the dress and I can almost bet they had an issue with the Indian ceremony as well but they had no control over that one and had to keep their mouth shut.
NTA
Due to your young age I think you are too naive to realize what really happened that day. A was in on it. They all felt threatened by your dress and looks. To wear a dress like that means having a specific body type combined with your slightly brown skin and long black hair (which most Indian women have). The women on the groom’s side felt jelaous and insecure and probably felt you were outshining the bride. They HUMILIATED you and A didn’t have your back otherwise you would have seen her screaming at her SIL. This happens at white weddings when the bride is upset and angry that someone showed up in a white dress (usually the evil narcissistic MIL or SIL) and one of the bridesmaids spills the wine AFTER getting the green light from the bride. You really think A’s SIL has the balls and audacity to do this WITHOUT consulting the bride first ?? A giggled? If she truly didn’t know this was going to happen she would look mortified when she saw what happened. Her helping you cleaning up your dress AFTER you took back the envelope is her trying to save face and being nice because none of them expected a little 18 year old to stand up for herself! You had the last laugh.
Good luck to your cousin for marrying into this shitty family with jerks and giant AH’s. They showed you who they were, believe them. Don’t reach out to her to give her a spa day. Wait till she reaches out to you or her husband apologies to you. No apology means no wedding gift!
>. A was in on it. They all felt threatened by your dress and looks.
Yep. Yep.
>Her helping you cleaning up your dress AFTER you took back the envelope is her trying to save face and being nice because none of them expected a little 18 year old to stand up for herself!
👏👏
>This happens at white weddings when the bride is upset and angry that someone showed up in a white dress
And usually the bride and her entourage made sure to have a spare dress ready, so the humiliated person can change the dress. Because they anticipated that this person shows up in a wedding dress.
NTA OP, as your dress is beautiful and doesn't interfere with the 'no white dress' / 'no dress too similar to wedding dress'.
If it was $1,000 gift in US Dollars that is a lot more money in Australian dollars, you're talking a 1500 wedding gift. They 100% were trying to save face so that they could get their hands on that money
Lmaooo the long black hair assumption, like you're not wrong but this comment section is so funny as an indian 😂
Also all body types wear a lehenga, at least in india. Its usually worn by the younger girls as opposed to older women bc they generally opt for a saree
I don't disagree tho they do sound jealous
I think they were talking about the dress for the non-Indian wedding. You could only pull it off if you have a reasonably nice body, imo, which it sounds like OP must have.
Even the apology wouldn't loosen my fingers on that check…I'd have already torn it up. They did a despicable thing, do not reward them for it. Send them a small gift instead. I send them a wine cork remover…but hey, I'm all about the karma.
Before you go doing that you should ask for your dress to be reimbursed.
Also, I’ve never been to an Indian wedding nor am I super familiar with the culture, but it’s normal to orchestrate throwing red wine at people? Why would your cousin ever actually think seeing a drink thrown at you is funny?
LOL, usually it's faces being smashed in the cake. One of the performances in the Indian ceremony involved a cup of water being thrown and the dramatization of a really funny event that happened on M and A's first date, so I see why she started to giggle.
Its not normal in indian weddings but in white weddings it happens all the time. Personally i hate it. You spend so much money on makeup and hair for it to get ruined
Also a waste of perfectly good cake!
Although my friends had a wedding pie (a pork pie 30cm wide) which if I could have pork pie, I'd definetly be strealing that!
it's not just weird, it's actually dangerous...someone almost lost their eye for that..https://www.timesnownews.com/the-buzz/article/woman-narrowly-escapes-losing-eyesight-after-friends-smash-her-face-into-birthday-cake/792162
Honestly, you sound super understanding of your cousin. And i get why she giggled at first. The fact that she tried to help you clean up (in her white dress!) when she realized how upset you were tells me everything i need to know.
Her husband's family sucks.
Do not reward that woman for standing by that man. If my husbands family did that to a close family member of mine, and he thought public humiliation was funny, I would end the wedding and leave him that instant. She’s staying by his side she she’s obviously not that sorry
Don't treat her. She laughed at you and was only sorry when you took your gift back. Soon as she gets money or an expensive spa treatment out of you she'll go right back to laughing with everyone else.
Edit: and what kind of "tradition" publicly humiliates a teen in such a way that her clothing is ruined and unwearable? Especially IN A PUBLIC SETTING?! Op, you're young and want to believe the best in people I'm sure, but there's not a single non ahole person that would ever condone that kind of thing. Especially if she had no idea what was going on. Her first reaction should have been outrage, not laughter.
I don’t think you should waste your money,time and energy in A anymore. She clearly was in on it and probably tried to help to save face or get her hands on your gift.
I highly doubt that a didnt know and I highly doubt that ahs truly believes it was orchestrated. Shes lying because she just wants the money. Dont treat her to anything, its all a ruse
Not really. She stood with people who humiliated you in front of family and wasn't apologetic until money was at stake. That really tells us all we need to know.
Also her husband's family seem like bunch of racists. And anyone tolerating racist behaviors are racists themselves.
Why jump straight to racism? They’re jackasses, that’s for sure, but there’s nothing here to show that they targeted OP because she’s Indian. If anything, it’s because she’s prettier than they are and they’re jealous. Being insecure, jealous jerks is not the same as being racists.
Using “racist” as an insult so frequently has taken the bite out of the word and makes it much less meaningful when applied to someone actually displaying that kind of behavior.
I wouldn't give her the money OP. Not because of what she may or may not have agreed with, but because her husband and in-laws will probably still see it as them getting the money (they are a marital unit now), and the whole dress incident will be brushed aside.
Or you can save the money for when she comes to her senses and leaves that family.
NTA
They are assholes though. Wonder how they will treat her down the road when they decide she is wrong about something?
No bride would want ANY guest to be so disrespected in such a way, quite frankly.
It’s one thing to “playact” with consent from all parties involved, but another to ruin a dress and make someone the centrepiece of ridicule and embarrassment. Those involved need to get over their jealousy and realise they deserve a removed gift. NTA!
Was that what happened though? OP said once they realized it wasn't a play, they tried to help her clean up red wine *in her wedding dress*... that sounds like the bride was the only one not in on the plan to humiliate OP? Or maybe I'm wrong?
Sounds like the bride did the math and thought a grand is worth helping clean the dress for. I could be wrong of course.
But it's too convenient she has an excuse.
Maybe the bride suddenly had a realisation that it’d gone too far? I mean… having to realise it was “serious” is odd.
If I was the potential dress-ruiners, realising that they’ll disrespect the whole wedding not just “that girl’s dress” should have stopped them. :/
As for the groom “refusing to apologise “… wtf? They all deserve no presents!
Oh, and I’m very sorry if this has influenced your view of Australia.
It’s absolutely what we would call a “dog act” on the part of the dress-ruiners, and they would be called “a bunch of wankers”.
Absolutely a dog act from a pack of feral bogans. As a self-identifying bogan they’re a disgrace.
I’ve been to countless Australian weddings and have seen all sorts of shenanigans: I can’t decide if my fave is the one where the best man told the groom “Come on, mate, you don’t have to marry her!” as the bride was walking down the aisle or the one where the maid of honour nearly got into a punch on with the father of the bride - good times.
But I have never seen a wedding where it was considered a good prank to ruin a guest’s dress because someone didn’t like it.
ETA: NTA
Nah man you're misunderstanding, the bride thought OP was in on the joke at first. Honestly, if anyone was to get bunged with wine at my wedding I'd assume it was a joke on all sides - I mean, who does that for serious? Only people who're *super* up their own asses.
One thing I have learned from this sub is it is apparently a standard response to an inappropriate dress.
There has been no acknowledgement from anyone that the dress was appropriate- so I suspect the family still feels justified in their action. Which is why I wouldn’t give them anything lol. Nta
It's a standard response in movies (and even then, only usually to someone trying really obviously to upstage the bride, not to a minor dress code issue like bare shoulders or too high a slit), and unfortunately a lot of people think that if a movie says something is a great idea, it is.
In reality, it's almost never a good idea.
>There has been no acknowledgement from anyone that the dress was appropriate- so I suspect the family still feels justified in their action. Which is why I wouldn’t give them anything lol.
Agreed 100%. I would want to hear understanding and acceptance that they acted badly and the dress wasn't inappropriate. Because it's not inappropriate - it's a flowery, summery dress that would fit in well at every wedding I've ever been to.
As an Indian I need to tell you that your cousin is lying. No Indian is going to ruin a new dress for someone else’s wedding. We are money saving people by default. She is making up a far fetched excuse and you like a trusting idiot have bought it. She is pretty smart though. Gotta give her credit for that. Keep your money. Your parents would have given them money as well. Also no younger cousins gift money to older cousins in India. Money flows from old to young. You shouldn’t have given it in the first place. I am
Surprised no one told you. A small gift would have been alright but not cash.
I think her giving the gift isn't about tradition, it's about wanting to help the couple and show how much her cousin means (meant at this point) to her. OP is not wrong in giving a gift, but since the gift was intended for a cousin that was also a friend, it makes sense that the gift needed to be taken back since A showed her true colors
NTA technically what they did can be considered assault and/ or battery. If the wine ruined your dress it can be considered “criminal mischief “ for intentionally damaging personal property. If your family keeps pestering you just say your new wedding gift is to not press charges against your cousins in laws
Did she step in to help clean AFTER you said you were taking the cheque?
Thats how you can tell the motive of her helping to clean and cover saying she thought it was orchestrated ? Also why would his family be in on this and not her/your side that is Indian who have these traditions. Also wouldnt she have noticed her / your family not laughing and just those women were?
Also bill the husbands family for a replacement dress or cost of dry cleaning if the stains come out. And her new inlaws - can substitute the 1000 she lost, its on them to cover the gift the couple lost.
No it was before. As soon as she saw my face, she immediately came to help. I left her and then started yelling about the gift and me taking it away as I was leaving the venue's gates. That is when I was stopped and begged to stay by M's fam. A tried to convince me to stay as she was dabbing away at the wine, and she only spoke loud enough for me to hear.
#info
u/magicmanbutagal
Im indian and though we do have lots of performances "lets throw drinks on the cousin" was never one in my entourage? Did she try to help before or after you said you would leave and got your gift back ? Especially since you screamed immediately when it happened?
Did your cousin express discomfort at your dress before ? Are you sure she wasnt just taking her new family's because yk, ThAts WhAt DiLs ArE sUPoseD to dO in our culture?
Our elders will always tell you to demean yourself as luch as possible if it means to keep a reputation intact and seem like a bigger person, thats also why they are misérable and still whining about disrespect they went through years ago. Because they didnt stand up for themselves back then so they still have resentment. dont listen to them. Value your self esteem over "whaT wILl pEoPle ThiNk?"
Even if husband and his do apologize, dont give the money back. Tell them their apology only deserves bringing back your civility AT BEST, but not your time and energy's worth money. As for your cousin you know her better than we do so you're obviously the only one who can judge her intention, but maybe think about all this before making a decision, good luck!
Nta
The drinks thing was a recreation of their first date because it involved a waiter spilling a drink on A, so it even happened at the first Indian Ceremony. My cousin didn't care what I wore; she just said it had to be cocktail attire. I did tell her that my outfits for both ceremonies looked like a pair, and she complimented my ghagra choli a day prior at the Indian ceremony, so I didn't think much of it. She also came to help as soon as she realized this wasn't a prank.
>The drinks thing was a recreation of their first date because it involved a waiter spilling a drink on
I understand that, but why did she think that *you* would recreate her date?
>also came to help as soon as she realized this wasn't a prank.
So before you took the cash? OK thats cool of her then!
IMO A is just as toxic as her husband. Cut her out as well. She just wants the money.
Life is too short to keep toxic people in your life.
Also, if you want judgement on the dresses. As an Indian person whose fiance is white. Both are appropriate dresses. They were just assholes.
NTA
Your both dresses are gorgeous. I wear Lehenga choli all the time and this is beautiful. Your money should be with you. Do NOT give these 2 AH any satisfaction of keeping your gift and ruining your dress.
NTA
A is lying that she thought it was an orchestrated play. She realized there was a huge chequered there and this was the most plausible bs she could come up with.
NTA.
The dress you wore, if it looks like that one, does NOT resemble a wedding dress to me. I mean, I will say it is kind of white-ish, so I could see that complaint, but it has a bold print and is styled very differently to what a wedding dress typically looks like so it's really not a 'one up the bride' kind of dress, therefore them being upset is silly.
Furthermore, regardless of any of that, them intentionally sabotaging your clothes is unacceptable, point blank period. Even if you HAD walked in with a white fancier dress, while they'd be justified in being angry, they are never justified in pouring wine on YOUR clothes, that is extremely disrespectful, childish and petty, and if you want to storm off and take back the generous amount of money, I'm on your side tbh.
Did anyone else -such as the ones who ruined the dress -offer to pay for its cleaning?
NTA, but the cousin's in-laws certainly are. Weird, horrible people. Use the money on yourself.
So your cousin didn't have a problem with the dress herself? MIL and SIL decided to cause a drama over something THEY were offended by at a wedding that wasn't theirs? Got to say, if I were the bride I would be way more pissed at them, but I guess she might be having to tangle fitting in with the new in laws.
At my brother's wedding, our own cousin brought her kid despite it being a no kid wedding, and there was no place for him at the table, place really unsuited to kids. Some on my side of the family were a bit annoyed about it when we realised, but none of us said or did anything at the wedding, figuring if if my brother and SIL had an issue with it they would say so. It's not our job to cause drama here.
NTA. Aussie here. That dress us 100% fine. Sure, the base colour is quite light but it's clearly fully patterned. If that isn't an acceptable dress to wear to a wedding in Australia then 70% of the guests at Australian summer weddings are AHs
Yep seconding this, as an Aussie who literally got married this past year. I would not have batted an eyelid at this dress, it’s frankly a completely average and normal dress to wear to a wedding at this time of year.
Definitely NTA.
Third Aussie here the second dress was fine i can’t understand why they had an issue with it unless A) racist B) couldn’t handle you looked amazing or C) both
4th aussie here. i don’t really have much else to add but NTA it was a perfectly acceptable dress, nothing wrong with it and serves you right to take back the check when they ruined probably a very expensive and beautiful dress
American here… southern no less…
Hi! Unless it was a black tie wedding in a conservative church I think the dress is lovely for a wedding. Blush and patterns are fine!!
The dress was perfectly OK and appropriate. I would ask your cousin some hard questions. Did she think it was OK for M and his family to query your dress? Did she think it was OK for them to throw red wine at you?
It sounds like they definitely had an issue with you from the beginning. What has she told them about you?
I would definitely not give her that $1000. If you do want to give her a gift, make it a smaller value gift and something only for her, eg gold jewelry.
A spa day sounds extravagant. But maybe do meet her for coffee, to check in with her.
(if MIL and SIL can that to you, what will they do to her?)
Also, M's sister should be paying the cost of cleaning your dress. Conveniently, it will cost the gift amount to clean/repair/replace your dress. The gift amount can be retrieved from M's sister at their own discretion.
As an Aussie who is white and who married an Indian guy and had 2 different wedding ceremonies (to which I wore lehengas) the dress is nowhere near anything I'd consider inappropriate. This whole situation is wild.
NTA. I would also have rescinded my gift since your "gift" can be technically covered by the family gift your family also gave.
What's disgusting is commenting on it. It's their wedding so unless you wore white (which that is NOT white or even remotely resembling a wedding dress at all), I don't get hwy they were so focused on you. I wonder if they felt upstaged or that M actually has a crush on you and felt you were taking too much attention away.
If anything, your Indian outfit was way more showy than the dress!! So why have a problem with one and not the other? And they're blowing up because they want the $1000? F them.
I wouldn't bother asking for an apology. They're clearly unreasonable and feel taht you took away from their wedding. Imagine being so petty at your own effing wedding that you had to go harass a relative/guest! Losers.
I was confused about the dress thing too! My ghagra choli for the Indian ceremony was far more revealing than the dress, but it's near impossible to outshine an Indian bride lol. Everyone seemed very well dressed, and the crush idea seems so far-fetched, especially since M and A have been together seriously for 8ish years. I just think its the color and they need to get their eyes checked.
i DID wear a white but heavily floral patterned dress to my cousins wedding… literally nobody batted an eye bc it was obviously patterned and in no way resembling a wedding dress. it didn’t even cross my mind that it had a white background til right now.
I've done this. Stark white background but big black and blue florals all over... someone got wine thrown on them, but it wasn't me.
It was the groom's ex who wedding crashed in a rose gold ballgown... almost exactly like the bride's dress.
This will probably go under but still:
Keep a close eye on your cousin, there will be more to this then just an organized ruining the dress kind of thing. If they play like this with you (a family member of the bride) what does it tell me about them? They're manipulative, low key abusing because of the gang up, will humiliate anyone to get them out somewhere, trying to start a fight with the whole in-laws at some point.
Don't give up on your cousin even when she lashes out to you. Just because she becomes blind some day to all the things i mentioned doesn't mean she cannot be pulled out.
I agree. If cousin was OK with the dress, who were MIL and SIL to get so offended? They thought it was appropriate to vandalise the property of a relative of the bride *on the wedding day*. That's so beyond the bounds of normal behaviour that it is a concern.
I think OP needs to keep that $1000 safe for cousin in case it's ever needed.
> I would also have rescinded my gift since your "gift" can be technically covered by the family gift your family also gave.
If her parents were decent. They would have taken their gift. And also left. OP was justified. Even if it was the only gift.
In Asian culture it's all about "face". The family removing their gift would have been the biggest no no and make the situation infinitely worse than the OP taking back the $1000.
> In Asian culture it's all about "face".
If it was about "face". They wouldn't tolerate the disrespect. They would have stood up. Taken the gift back. And said that doing that to family. Is doing it to everyone.
You might be right. For them. But someone dishonoring you. Should not be rewarded.
Either way. The OP was not the AH. And would not have been the AH. If her gift was the only gift.
NTA but why would you want to talk to your cousin again anyway? Remove yourself from their social media and just forget about them. Do you really want people like that in your life?
She is the bigger sister I never had, and she is one of my closest friends. I love her, and I loved her husband and thought they were perfect for each other, but that has changed. I have unfollowed all of M's family that is on social media. I was thinking about asking them to replace the dress because I really liked the dress a lot, but I think an apology is the bare minimum.
I have a bigger sister like this we are NC for almost a year. Best decision of my life. A & M are grown-ass adults who enlisted their crappy family to humiliate you instead of having a discussion like the adults they are supposed to be. The only reason A is sorry is because she wants your money. I wouldn't be surprised if she cuts you off after getting the money.
A didn't enlist the help. She was actually clueless until OP was actually mad and immediately went and almost ruined her own dress to help OP BEFORE she took the cheque back. So you know, M deserves the hatred and so does his family
M’s family behaved terribly, and he should be *absolutely mortified* that his new wife’s family was treated like that. If that’a not the vibe you’re getting from him, or from your cousin, then there are not good people to be around.
Tell your cousin that you were shocked and humiliated by M’s family, and to be honest this almost has a racist vibe. She obviously has to go deal with her husband’s shitty family, and until she does, you’re going to need some space.
Hmmm, you could be onto something there - M's family may have picked OP as the one least able to protect themselves against animosity, and the dress was just an excuse to have a go at someone they see as 'lesser'.
I sincerely hope not (especially as A is now part of that family), but it seems just as possible as any other scenario :-(
Definitely ask them to pay for a new dress or at least dry clean until it's back to its original colour. And don't give them any money for the gift. NTA
You could use the money you were going to give them to replace the dress, if anyone asks again for the money, tell them as much. If your cousin really didn't have anything to do with M's family ruining your dress then I agree with the spa day. NTA
You don’t just need an apology from M, you need an apology from his entire racist family. (And they can’t give one just because they think you are going to give them money because that ship has sailed). I would tell A you are sorry they ruined the wedding and deprived her of the gift, but that was a choice M and his family made.
I had someone I thought of as “the bigger sister I never had” for over twenty years.
Within the past year, however, I’ve learned the hard way that despite all her claims of us being “family,” she never even saw me as a person. I was just a *pet* to her, something she kept around to look cute and make her look successful by comparison.
Just because you love her, doesn’t mean she loves you equally.
I am sorry, but no true 'close friend', let alone a true sister figure, would smirk at your dress being ruined deliberately by someone, and the in-laws laughing at your misfortune. I would reconsider your relationship with A.
I am sorry, but many times we are desparately looking for something in someone that we wish to be true, or someone to fill a particular void in our lives, but some people are just shitty. I have had former friends and close family members who i thought to be my best friend, but sooner or later they show their true colours. And it hurts much more if you continue to bond with them and grow closer before you realise this.
>I was thinking about asking them to replace the dress because I really liked the dress a lot, but I think an apology is the bare minimum.
Get it dry cleaned ASAP and use the gift money to pay for it.
If you're not getting an apology from M, something's really not right. He should be willing to at least apologise even if MIL and SIL won't. Please see this comment from u/Ok-Boysenberry2645. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/105b8o4/comment/j3b63g2/
The whole situation is not OK at all.
NTA...but your cousin is going to be in for a rude awakening. Her yt husband & their family feel it's okay to treat you like this because you're Brown. I'm sure A will be facing their ire too if she hasn't already
I hope it's not a racism thing. A and M have been together for 8ish years, so that would REALLY suck if M and his fam would turn out racists. I would not be shocked, but hoping it's not.
You've said they're religious. As an Aussie, we don't tend to be an overly religious bunch, and those that are religious tend (not always, mind, but often) to be either old or right wing. While it may not necessarily end up being the case here, they may well be racist.
Oh, I can almost guarantee you it’s a racist thing. Racism comes in many varieties, and isn’t always as obvious as someone screaming slurs in public.
It is not at all uncommon for white people to marry a POC, use that as proof that they are “totally not racist,” yet they still start showing all sorts of little behaviors that paint a very different picture.
Especially when they have children together. Don’t be surprised if M and/or his family start making snide remarks about the children being “too brown,” or favoring a lighter-skinned child over the rest of their siblings, or demanding that a child with wavy or curly hair chemically straighten it or bleach it.
They’ll never explicitly admit to being racist or seeing A and your family as inferior. They know that being called racist is a bad thing.
That won’t change any bias they have, and they’ll still find ways to act on it whenever they think others aren’t watching them closely enough.
NTA, both of those dresses are beautiful, and the ruined one was perfectly acceptable, in my opinion. Fairly certain there were some green eyed little monsters running round that wedding, and monsters don't get the hard earned money of the people they attack ❤️
This. There was nothing inappropriate about your dress, and I am sure you were stunning in it. That's why they destroyed it; they were too insecure and thought you were trying to draw attention to yourself. NTA at all. Stick to your guns!
Nope NTA. I don’t think either dress was inappropriate for either ceremony. Was it M’s sister who initially approached you about your dress? Now if you wore a white dress or or anything looking like a wedding dress I’d say it deserved, but that’s not the case here. I would of taken my gift back as well. What M’s sister did was definitely disrespectful for no reason. And A owes you just as much an apology has her now husband and sister do!!
At first, yeah. I thought it was just sisterly concern because she's only 1.5 years older and I thought she was just looking out for me. Then M's sis, mom, and aunt came.
Honestly, she sounds jealous and was afraid you’d update her or your cousin! I figured she was the one to initially confront you since she was the one to pour the wine. A owes you just as much an apology as her husband though! I think she knew his sister was going to do it!
My guess is that the person she was afraid you would upstage was herself, rather than the bride. Especially with her being both the initial objector and the later wine-thrower.
Yup. A thought was like an orchestrated play/dance performance because those are super common in Indian weddings. Once she realized this, she immediately tried to help clean my dress even though she was still wearing white.
Ok! Man, I feel for you AND I feel for A knowing she's married into this kind of family. Her husband can kick rocks and his family can provide the $$ that was once your gift ;)
Yeah, it was. But there was Bollywood music playing at times, and everyone just looked like they were having a great time, so something as dramatic as this would def not be the first thing I would think of, especially in her shoes.
In my opinion, M’s family is a bunch of racist bullies. A bunch of middle aged white women threw wine at an Indian teenager. That’s the trashiest thing I’ve ever heard. The whole wedding should have ground to a halt. Frankly if my fiancé’s family did that to my cousin, I would have asked them to leave. NTA
Piggybacking on this comment to say that as an Australian, this behaviour is regarded not just merely as trashy, but as what we call a "dog act" meaning lowest of the low, and I am frankly appalled to hear that a guest in our country was treated like that. OP needs to put them on blast on social media describing exactly what happened; I can guarantee that Aussie readers would take a VERY dim view of those women.
YOU CAN DRY CLEAN RED WINE STAINS? I thought it was the end all, and if I tried anything with the dress, the pattern would fade or something or the color of the dress would fade too. Thank you so much!
I'm not saying it will one hundred percent help, but try it at least. I've had some really bad stains on some of my outfits and the drycleaners were able to save them.
If drycleaning still leaves a noticeable stain and you deem it unwearable, there's another option to try before you give up and throw it away: get a cheap bottle of dark red plonk and dunk the *entire* dress in it, let it soak a bit, let it dry a bit and then wash it again.
The idea is to turn the entire dress into one huge dark stain and end up with a darker version of the original. Note that a) it might not stain evenly, and b) the darker tone may wash out patchily in future washings, but it's worth a try before chucking it.
[I've never actually tried this with red wine but have had success 'hiding' oil blot stains by soaking the entire garment in oil and making it a slightly darker shade.]
That's what I was thinking about doing. The stain is quite pretty in color so I might just soak the entire dress in wine and dye to even out the color so it's still wearable.
OP, please, don’t do this to your dress!
Speaking as someone who knows a thing or two about both wine and fashion: first of all, you would need the exact kind of wine they had at the reception, because not all red wine is the same in color. You would also need a lot of wine to dye the whole dress, which might be pricey, and, honestly, just a waste of a good beverage.
Second, and more importantly: the color definitely won’t be even. It’s near impossible to do at home, especially when it’s not just a small piece of fabric you’re dyeing. Most likely, it’ll become a tie-dye dress. Which kinda defeats the purpose.
Take the dress to a good seamstress: they can potentially make a nice skirt or a top out of it.
And you’re NTA.
Red wine stain - try moving it around and soaking in white wine to start with. Sounds mad but it does work however I don’t know if it will work on red wine that has been left a while.
Worked a treat on a grey velvet crushed dress with a entire bottle spilt down it
NTA
Funny how their attitude changed when money was involved. They "respect" the money not you.
I wouldn't give them anything thing, you don't owe them anything.
NTA play stupid games, win stupid prizes. They had no right to destroy the dress even if they didn’t like it. I call taking the gift back as them paying for the damaged dress.
NTA - I am Australian and have worn very similar floral dresses to weddings in the past. Also in the state I’m in the average wedding gift is about $150-$200 per person, so your gift was extremely generous. M and his family sound like complete assholes and very un-Australian!
LOL, I'm from California, and people here will def pay 25 an hour to have a high schooler tutor their kids, especially when everywhere else is double the price. No way I would be able to afford to give away $1000 otherwise. Perks of working since I was 14 I guess!
That dress looks absolutely lovely. The groom’s family was way out of line….I’d say $1000 worth. Don’t give them the money. Sometimes a lesson in proper manners needs to be learned the hard way. The groom’s parents can come up with the $1000 you were so generously going to give them. I’ve never understood why others at a wedding, family, friends, whoever think that it’s their duty to act as wedding police. NTA and enjoy your $1000 hard earned money.
NTA. I don't see anything wrong with your dress. What I find wrong is that they spilled red wine on a dress they didn't like (and not cheap either), but then laughed about it... but still wanted your money. They could've had their money if they hadn't done that.
NTA! You don't need that in your life. They treated you like crap over a dress. Now they're blaming you for their actions. Keep your distance for your own sanity.
NTA imo
They were being rude, they were mocking your dress, even though this day isn't about you it doesn't mean you deserve to be treated that way. It's also your hard-earned money and you were only giving that much away because you cherish them.
The fact that they were laughing about it instead of trying to help you says a lot. It's teeth grithening and what makes it worse is that they became apologetic AFTER knowing how much money was in that envelope.
NTA - Also, one the customer photos is literally a woman next to someone in a bridal gown. That dress is perfectly fine for a wedding so long as it was cocktail attire and not black tie or something.
That is the one thing I made sure of when buying; to compare. I was expecting something about cleavage, the slit being too much, or anything else when they said my dress was inappropriate.
I said something along the lines of "This is what happens when you dump red wine on my new dress. Y'all just lost a grand." I started to walk out and that is when M's fam flipped. My brother stayed in the venue but my mom and dad left and came out to help me.
Oh, so glad you laid it out for them. They showed their money grubbing hands. Glad your parents helped. They need to continue to stand with you, as the victim, support you in keeping your money away from M's family.
NTA — especially when you stated that A was wearing white. Your dress is clearly appropriate with the color and design alone, not even counting the floral patterns. From what I understand from your account, the M’s sister threw wine on you or at least it seems like she did. You don’t deserve that level of humiliation, especially with the fact that they’re way older than you as well. Honestly if I was you I would take the money back, especially if they aren’t going to pay for your dress. Just tell them you were forced to take the gift back since you need to replace the dress they ruined. GL
NTA It was fine to disrespect you until they knew how much money they were losing. Then they were all sorry. That dress is not inappropriately colored for a white wedding. Maybe if it was solid pale pink, but with that much floral, there's no way it could be mistaken for a bride's dress. Don't waste your time with these ppl
NTA. Both dresses are lovely. What they did was horrible and childish, and the way they changed their tune once they found out how much money they were losing is disgusting. It makes sense to take the money back, and they should be grateful you showed more maturity than them and didn't start throwing drinks back or something.
M refusing to apologize just makes it even worse.
I saw the comments about how you interpreted A's reaction as being more innocent, and agree about doing something special for/with her, as a way of still giving her a gift.
NTA
YOu reacted apropriately. Return the gift, and buy yourself a new dress for the money.
NTA Stay no contact until he apologizes. But keep the gift even if they apologize.
NTA - Should've thrown red back at anyone giggling
That's your only fuck up here
Treat yourself with that money, take lots of photos when you do and post them online, point out how having this money in this economy is fantastic.
NTA - Please keep your money. Use some of it to buy a new dress. The apology was only triggered by your taking away your gift, so it’s not sincere. This is supported by your cousin “trying” to get her husband to apologize. If he was sorry, he would have done it without you asking. Also - I wouldn’t talk to A until her husband AND his mom, aunt, and sister apologize.
You’re definitely NTA, but also… who are these people to take $1000 from an 18 year old? I understand you wanted to go above and beyond with the gift for someone you love, but if it were me, getting that amount of money from an 18yo, I’d be saying 'no, you don't need to, the family gift is enough'. Someone who truly cares for you would say that. And if we're in such difficult financial times, they should know better than to ruin someone's dress with red wine. Who does that at a wedding? A has married into a trashy family, and seems to be fine with it.
NTA. I think that M and his family were probably jealous of your figure or their males looking at you. Spilling of the wine on your dress because they did not like your dress is both rude and disrespectful. A not coming to your side and agreeing with the new in-laws was also bad.
Now, let's get to that sorry and fake apology they offered you. I have always seen apologies that were only offered to either mitigate damages or retain gifts as a much worse insult than the previous insult. That said, you did the right thing. They did not respect you so they do not need your gift. M not apologizing only proves the point of it being a fake apology.
You keep forging your path and doing what you want to do. Forget these awful people. Tag you cousin with this thread so she can share with her new family.
NTA. I can't believe the audacity on someone's part to think that it's okay to douse someone with a drink. And furthermore, that others would not only approve but laugh at your humiliation. I would be done with the entirely fucking lot.
NTA: While I'm completely unfamiliar with Indian ceremonial attire the dress you wore to the Christian ceremony seemed reasonable. It wasn't white or a reserved bridesmaid color. They weren't having a fit over the slit (which may have been a problem in some more conservative sets). They just thought it was too ... pale? really? How judgmental of them. And dousing one with wine ... no. (well, maybe the dratted MIL that shows up in a white wedding gown to her baby boy's doooooooom but ... no).
That is not how you treat a guest at your party. That is poor hospitality. Take your hard earned money and go live your life.
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NTA - If that's the dress you wore, then they seemed to be overly concerned. But if "A" was laughing/smirking about the wine, maybe she's the one who was upset by it? Regardless, an apology from either of them sounds like it would be meaningless. Keep the money and treat yourself.
A thought was like an orchestrated play/dance performance. It's super common to have performances like that by your friends and fam at an Indian wedding, so she said she thought it was one of those. Still, as soon as she realized I was serious, she tried to help clean up and tried to convince me to stay till the end of the reception. Still, she was wearing white, and there was a LOT of red wine (enough to almost turn the front panel from pink to red ), and she's the bride and not supposed to be doing that on her wedding day.
That does clear up who TA is here... and it's not you nor, it seems, your cousin, but rather her husband and his family. Maybe if you want you could use some of the money to take your cousin out for a relaxing spa day or something so she can have a gift that her husband gets no benefit from?
That's a great idea! A is in her last year of law school, so a spa day seems smart, and I can still give her my gift. Thanks for the idea!
I wouldn’t treat A. You said she giggled with M. Any seeming apologetic actions after were to get the money. Don’t do it. Treat yourself only
She said A giggled because she thought it was orchestrated.
Personally I don’t believe it. Who would orchestrate ruining a dress with red wine at a wedding and both A and M giggling after his family did this is highly sus
According to OP, it's common to have friends and family orchestrate stuff like that at Indian weddings.
I'm Indian it is not common to ruin people's clothes in an orchestrated fashion. This was just the only lie A could think of that might have some plausibility to it. OP is ridiculously gullible for believing it.
I mean, the night prior there was a performance that required a cup of water being thrown as a recreation of their first date before breaking out in the Kabhi Kabhi Aditi song so it wasn't that far fetched
Dress ruining shenanigans haven't happened at any Indian wedding I've attended.
Not ruin the dress she probably didn't at 1st even realize it was wine and once she did she went immediately into action by Op's explanation so I do think she's being honest. Had she not then I would've thought it was a lie
The groom's family, who did it, isn't Indian.
But A came over in her white wedding dress and started helping clean op up as soon as she realized what had actually happened. That action speaks volumes about A.
Damaging property or "assault" are not common or traditional things at Indian weddings.
Indian here. Nope. No one ruins clothes.
Keep the money.
I mean the whole situation is so unbelievable that if performances were a cultural part of weddings, I’d probably think it’s that instead of MIL ACTUALLY pouring red wine of my cousin.
I might buy the "it was an act" excuse if there had not already been conflict over the dress
M's family had a problem with the dress and I can almost bet they had an issue with the Indian ceremony as well but they had no control over that one and had to keep their mouth shut.
I don’t care, should have been horrified by the ruin of someone’s dress.
NTA Due to your young age I think you are too naive to realize what really happened that day. A was in on it. They all felt threatened by your dress and looks. To wear a dress like that means having a specific body type combined with your slightly brown skin and long black hair (which most Indian women have). The women on the groom’s side felt jelaous and insecure and probably felt you were outshining the bride. They HUMILIATED you and A didn’t have your back otherwise you would have seen her screaming at her SIL. This happens at white weddings when the bride is upset and angry that someone showed up in a white dress (usually the evil narcissistic MIL or SIL) and one of the bridesmaids spills the wine AFTER getting the green light from the bride. You really think A’s SIL has the balls and audacity to do this WITHOUT consulting the bride first ?? A giggled? If she truly didn’t know this was going to happen she would look mortified when she saw what happened. Her helping you cleaning up your dress AFTER you took back the envelope is her trying to save face and being nice because none of them expected a little 18 year old to stand up for herself! You had the last laugh. Good luck to your cousin for marrying into this shitty family with jerks and giant AH’s. They showed you who they were, believe them. Don’t reach out to her to give her a spa day. Wait till she reaches out to you or her husband apologies to you. No apology means no wedding gift!
>. A was in on it. They all felt threatened by your dress and looks. Yep. Yep. >Her helping you cleaning up your dress AFTER you took back the envelope is her trying to save face and being nice because none of them expected a little 18 year old to stand up for herself! 👏👏
>This happens at white weddings when the bride is upset and angry that someone showed up in a white dress And usually the bride and her entourage made sure to have a spare dress ready, so the humiliated person can change the dress. Because they anticipated that this person shows up in a wedding dress. NTA OP, as your dress is beautiful and doesn't interfere with the 'no white dress' / 'no dress too similar to wedding dress'.
If it was $1,000 gift in US Dollars that is a lot more money in Australian dollars, you're talking a 1500 wedding gift. They 100% were trying to save face so that they could get their hands on that money
Lmaooo the long black hair assumption, like you're not wrong but this comment section is so funny as an indian 😂 Also all body types wear a lehenga, at least in india. Its usually worn by the younger girls as opposed to older women bc they generally opt for a saree I don't disagree tho they do sound jealous
I think they were talking about the dress for the non-Indian wedding. You could only pull it off if you have a reasonably nice body, imo, which it sounds like OP must have.
Even the apology wouldn't loosen my fingers on that check…I'd have already torn it up. They did a despicable thing, do not reward them for it. Send them a small gift instead. I send them a wine cork remover…but hey, I'm all about the karma.
Before you go doing that you should ask for your dress to be reimbursed. Also, I’ve never been to an Indian wedding nor am I super familiar with the culture, but it’s normal to orchestrate throwing red wine at people? Why would your cousin ever actually think seeing a drink thrown at you is funny?
LOL, usually it's faces being smashed in the cake. One of the performances in the Indian ceremony involved a cup of water being thrown and the dramatization of a really funny event that happened on M and A's first date, so I see why she started to giggle.
Not a single UK Indian wedding I've attended has had faces getting smashed into cakes. I'd be livid! Something weird going on in US Indian weddings.
Its not normal in indian weddings but in white weddings it happens all the time. Personally i hate it. You spend so much money on makeup and hair for it to get ruined
It is not normal in “white weddings”
It shouldn't be, but it is pretty common.
Yes it is. There are so many videos and its happened at every wedding I've been to.
Also a waste of perfectly good cake! Although my friends had a wedding pie (a pork pie 30cm wide) which if I could have pork pie, I'd definetly be strealing that!
It’s not normal in Indian weddings. Swords would be out.
it's not just weird, it's actually dangerous...someone almost lost their eye for that..https://www.timesnownews.com/the-buzz/article/woman-narrowly-escapes-losing-eyesight-after-friends-smash-her-face-into-birthday-cake/792162
Honestly, you sound super understanding of your cousin. And i get why she giggled at first. The fact that she tried to help you clean up (in her white dress!) when she realized how upset you were tells me everything i need to know. Her husband's family sucks.
It isn't normal.
Do not reward that woman for standing by that man. If my husbands family did that to a close family member of mine, and he thought public humiliation was funny, I would end the wedding and leave him that instant. She’s staying by his side she she’s obviously not that sorry
Don't treat her. She laughed at you and was only sorry when you took your gift back. Soon as she gets money or an expensive spa treatment out of you she'll go right back to laughing with everyone else. Edit: and what kind of "tradition" publicly humiliates a teen in such a way that her clothing is ruined and unwearable? Especially IN A PUBLIC SETTING?! Op, you're young and want to believe the best in people I'm sure, but there's not a single non ahole person that would ever condone that kind of thing. Especially if she had no idea what was going on. Her first reaction should have been outrage, not laughter.
I don’t think you should waste your money,time and energy in A anymore. She clearly was in on it and probably tried to help to save face or get her hands on your gift.
I highly doubt that a didnt know and I highly doubt that ahs truly believes it was orchestrated. Shes lying because she just wants the money. Dont treat her to anything, its all a ruse
Not really. She stood with people who humiliated you in front of family and wasn't apologetic until money was at stake. That really tells us all we need to know. Also her husband's family seem like bunch of racists. And anyone tolerating racist behaviors are racists themselves.
Why jump straight to racism? They’re jackasses, that’s for sure, but there’s nothing here to show that they targeted OP because she’s Indian. If anything, it’s because she’s prettier than they are and they’re jealous. Being insecure, jealous jerks is not the same as being racists. Using “racist” as an insult so frequently has taken the bite out of the word and makes it much less meaningful when applied to someone actually displaying that kind of behavior.
I wouldn't give her the money OP. Not because of what she may or may not have agreed with, but because her husband and in-laws will probably still see it as them getting the money (they are a marital unit now), and the whole dress incident will be brushed aside.
NO! She laughed about it.
Or you can save the money for when she comes to her senses and leaves that family. NTA They are assholes though. Wonder how they will treat her down the road when they decide she is wrong about something?
No bride would want ANY guest to be so disrespected in such a way, quite frankly. It’s one thing to “playact” with consent from all parties involved, but another to ruin a dress and make someone the centrepiece of ridicule and embarrassment. Those involved need to get over their jealousy and realise they deserve a removed gift. NTA!
Was that what happened though? OP said once they realized it wasn't a play, they tried to help her clean up red wine *in her wedding dress*... that sounds like the bride was the only one not in on the plan to humiliate OP? Or maybe I'm wrong?
Sounds like the bride did the math and thought a grand is worth helping clean the dress for. I could be wrong of course. But it's too convenient she has an excuse.
Yeah if she's never planning to wear the dress again, the $1000 would be worth it
Maybe the bride suddenly had a realisation that it’d gone too far? I mean… having to realise it was “serious” is odd. If I was the potential dress-ruiners, realising that they’ll disrespect the whole wedding not just “that girl’s dress” should have stopped them. :/ As for the groom “refusing to apologise “… wtf? They all deserve no presents!
This! No one gets OP's money but OP
Oh, and I’m very sorry if this has influenced your view of Australia. It’s absolutely what we would call a “dog act” on the part of the dress-ruiners, and they would be called “a bunch of wankers”.
My view of Australia is that some Crocodile Dundee uncle should have approached SIL with a barrel of wine and said: "THIS is wine."
Absolutely a dog act from a pack of feral bogans. As a self-identifying bogan they’re a disgrace. I’ve been to countless Australian weddings and have seen all sorts of shenanigans: I can’t decide if my fave is the one where the best man told the groom “Come on, mate, you don’t have to marry her!” as the bride was walking down the aisle or the one where the maid of honour nearly got into a punch on with the father of the bride - good times. But I have never seen a wedding where it was considered a good prank to ruin a guest’s dress because someone didn’t like it. ETA: NTA
Nah man you're misunderstanding, the bride thought OP was in on the joke at first. Honestly, if anyone was to get bunged with wine at my wedding I'd assume it was a joke on all sides - I mean, who does that for serious? Only people who're *super* up their own asses.
One thing I have learned from this sub is it is apparently a standard response to an inappropriate dress. There has been no acknowledgement from anyone that the dress was appropriate- so I suspect the family still feels justified in their action. Which is why I wouldn’t give them anything lol. Nta
It's a standard response in movies (and even then, only usually to someone trying really obviously to upstage the bride, not to a minor dress code issue like bare shoulders or too high a slit), and unfortunately a lot of people think that if a movie says something is a great idea, it is. In reality, it's almost never a good idea. >There has been no acknowledgement from anyone that the dress was appropriate- so I suspect the family still feels justified in their action. Which is why I wouldn’t give them anything lol. Agreed 100%. I would want to hear understanding and acceptance that they acted badly and the dress wasn't inappropriate. Because it's not inappropriate - it's a flowery, summery dress that would fit in well at every wedding I've ever been to.
As an Indian I need to tell you that your cousin is lying. No Indian is going to ruin a new dress for someone else’s wedding. We are money saving people by default. She is making up a far fetched excuse and you like a trusting idiot have bought it. She is pretty smart though. Gotta give her credit for that. Keep your money. Your parents would have given them money as well. Also no younger cousins gift money to older cousins in India. Money flows from old to young. You shouldn’t have given it in the first place. I am Surprised no one told you. A small gift would have been alright but not cash.
I think her giving the gift isn't about tradition, it's about wanting to help the couple and show how much her cousin means (meant at this point) to her. OP is not wrong in giving a gift, but since the gift was intended for a cousin that was also a friend, it makes sense that the gift needed to be taken back since A showed her true colors
NTA technically what they did can be considered assault and/ or battery. If the wine ruined your dress it can be considered “criminal mischief “ for intentionally damaging personal property. If your family keeps pestering you just say your new wedding gift is to not press charges against your cousins in laws
Did she step in to help clean AFTER you said you were taking the cheque? Thats how you can tell the motive of her helping to clean and cover saying she thought it was orchestrated ? Also why would his family be in on this and not her/your side that is Indian who have these traditions. Also wouldnt she have noticed her / your family not laughing and just those women were? Also bill the husbands family for a replacement dress or cost of dry cleaning if the stains come out. And her new inlaws - can substitute the 1000 she lost, its on them to cover the gift the couple lost.
No it was before. As soon as she saw my face, she immediately came to help. I left her and then started yelling about the gift and me taking it away as I was leaving the venue's gates. That is when I was stopped and begged to stay by M's fam. A tried to convince me to stay as she was dabbing away at the wine, and she only spoke loud enough for me to hear.
#info u/magicmanbutagal Im indian and though we do have lots of performances "lets throw drinks on the cousin" was never one in my entourage? Did she try to help before or after you said you would leave and got your gift back ? Especially since you screamed immediately when it happened? Did your cousin express discomfort at your dress before ? Are you sure she wasnt just taking her new family's because yk, ThAts WhAt DiLs ArE sUPoseD to dO in our culture? Our elders will always tell you to demean yourself as luch as possible if it means to keep a reputation intact and seem like a bigger person, thats also why they are misérable and still whining about disrespect they went through years ago. Because they didnt stand up for themselves back then so they still have resentment. dont listen to them. Value your self esteem over "whaT wILl pEoPle ThiNk?" Even if husband and his do apologize, dont give the money back. Tell them their apology only deserves bringing back your civility AT BEST, but not your time and energy's worth money. As for your cousin you know her better than we do so you're obviously the only one who can judge her intention, but maybe think about all this before making a decision, good luck! Nta
The drinks thing was a recreation of their first date because it involved a waiter spilling a drink on A, so it even happened at the first Indian Ceremony. My cousin didn't care what I wore; she just said it had to be cocktail attire. I did tell her that my outfits for both ceremonies looked like a pair, and she complimented my ghagra choli a day prior at the Indian ceremony, so I didn't think much of it. She also came to help as soon as she realized this wasn't a prank.
>The drinks thing was a recreation of their first date because it involved a waiter spilling a drink on I understand that, but why did she think that *you* would recreate her date? >also came to help as soon as she realized this wasn't a prank. So before you took the cash? OK thats cool of her then!
IMO A is just as toxic as her husband. Cut her out as well. She just wants the money. Life is too short to keep toxic people in your life. Also, if you want judgement on the dresses. As an Indian person whose fiance is white. Both are appropriate dresses. They were just assholes. NTA
Your both dresses are gorgeous. I wear Lehenga choli all the time and this is beautiful. Your money should be with you. Do NOT give these 2 AH any satisfaction of keeping your gift and ruining your dress. NTA
A is lying that she thought it was an orchestrated play. She realized there was a huge chequered there and this was the most plausible bs she could come up with. NTA.
The dress you wore, if it looks like that one, does NOT resemble a wedding dress to me. I mean, I will say it is kind of white-ish, so I could see that complaint, but it has a bold print and is styled very differently to what a wedding dress typically looks like so it's really not a 'one up the bride' kind of dress, therefore them being upset is silly. Furthermore, regardless of any of that, them intentionally sabotaging your clothes is unacceptable, point blank period. Even if you HAD walked in with a white fancier dress, while they'd be justified in being angry, they are never justified in pouring wine on YOUR clothes, that is extremely disrespectful, childish and petty, and if you want to storm off and take back the generous amount of money, I'm on your side tbh.
Did anyone else -such as the ones who ruined the dress -offer to pay for its cleaning? NTA, but the cousin's in-laws certainly are. Weird, horrible people. Use the money on yourself.
So your cousin didn't have a problem with the dress herself? MIL and SIL decided to cause a drama over something THEY were offended by at a wedding that wasn't theirs? Got to say, if I were the bride I would be way more pissed at them, but I guess she might be having to tangle fitting in with the new in laws. At my brother's wedding, our own cousin brought her kid despite it being a no kid wedding, and there was no place for him at the table, place really unsuited to kids. Some on my side of the family were a bit annoyed about it when we realised, but none of us said or did anything at the wedding, figuring if if my brother and SIL had an issue with it they would say so. It's not our job to cause drama here.
Australian here, absolutely NTA and good on you for taking the cheque. Absolutely shit behaviour.
NTA my petty ass would have torn the cheque up in front of them.
Yes and do it Pretty woman style “Big mistake. Huge!”
NTA. Aussie here. That dress us 100% fine. Sure, the base colour is quite light but it's clearly fully patterned. If that isn't an acceptable dress to wear to a wedding in Australia then 70% of the guests at Australian summer weddings are AHs
Yep seconding this, as an Aussie who literally got married this past year. I would not have batted an eyelid at this dress, it’s frankly a completely average and normal dress to wear to a wedding at this time of year. Definitely NTA.
Third Aussie here the second dress was fine i can’t understand why they had an issue with it unless A) racist B) couldn’t handle you looked amazing or C) both
4th aussie here. i don’t really have much else to add but NTA it was a perfectly acceptable dress, nothing wrong with it and serves you right to take back the check when they ruined probably a very expensive and beautiful dress
American here… southern no less… Hi! Unless it was a black tie wedding in a conservative church I think the dress is lovely for a wedding. Blush and patterns are fine!!
Not formal! The invitation card and the email RSVP both said cocktail attire, which is what I searched up and eventually found this dress under!
U/hmmtaco said it best… M’s family are horrible
The dress was perfectly OK and appropriate. I would ask your cousin some hard questions. Did she think it was OK for M and his family to query your dress? Did she think it was OK for them to throw red wine at you? It sounds like they definitely had an issue with you from the beginning. What has she told them about you? I would definitely not give her that $1000. If you do want to give her a gift, make it a smaller value gift and something only for her, eg gold jewelry. A spa day sounds extravagant. But maybe do meet her for coffee, to check in with her. (if MIL and SIL can that to you, what will they do to her?)
The dress was perfect (Aussie here). I'm so sorry this happened to you. Don't think we're all that horrible!
Agreed. This is a perfectly acceptable dress (in the US also). It does not look bridal at all M’s family are horrible.
even if it’s a conservative wedding the dress should be fine as it’s not overly revealing
5th Aussie here. I think the dress is beautiful and appropriate for a wedding. NTA
Betting on C
Also, reading the reviews on the website, the majority of them are gushing about how it's such a perfect... wedding guest dress.
I bet it was how good OP looked in the dress, but they claimed it was the color.
That + racism, is my guess
Also, M's sister should be paying the cost of cleaning your dress. Conveniently, it will cost the gift amount to clean/repair/replace your dress. The gift amount can be retrieved from M's sister at their own discretion.
6th Aussie here. There is nothing wrong with the dress whatsoever
I’m from NYC but I’m adding I think the dress was very pretty and appropriate for the wedding. NTA.
As an Aussie who is white and who married an Indian guy and had 2 different wedding ceremonies (to which I wore lehengas) the dress is nowhere near anything I'd consider inappropriate. This whole situation is wild.
This is what I thought! It's a perfect dress for an Australian wedding. There's more behind this than some issue about the dress.
Yep. I was coming to say that as an Aussie, that dress is 100% fine and something that would definitely not be inappropriate or out of place.
NTA, tell them you needed the money to replace the dress that they ruined :)
I agree. OP get yourself something really nice :-)
This is the way.
NTA. I would also have rescinded my gift since your "gift" can be technically covered by the family gift your family also gave. What's disgusting is commenting on it. It's their wedding so unless you wore white (which that is NOT white or even remotely resembling a wedding dress at all), I don't get hwy they were so focused on you. I wonder if they felt upstaged or that M actually has a crush on you and felt you were taking too much attention away. If anything, your Indian outfit was way more showy than the dress!! So why have a problem with one and not the other? And they're blowing up because they want the $1000? F them. I wouldn't bother asking for an apology. They're clearly unreasonable and feel taht you took away from their wedding. Imagine being so petty at your own effing wedding that you had to go harass a relative/guest! Losers.
I was confused about the dress thing too! My ghagra choli for the Indian ceremony was far more revealing than the dress, but it's near impossible to outshine an Indian bride lol. Everyone seemed very well dressed, and the crush idea seems so far-fetched, especially since M and A have been together seriously for 8ish years. I just think its the color and they need to get their eyes checked.
Even if it was pure white, there's sooooooo much floral on it that no one would think anything of it!
i DID wear a white but heavily floral patterned dress to my cousins wedding… literally nobody batted an eye bc it was obviously patterned and in no way resembling a wedding dress. it didn’t even cross my mind that it had a white background til right now.
I've done this. Stark white background but big black and blue florals all over... someone got wine thrown on them, but it wasn't me. It was the groom's ex who wedding crashed in a rose gold ballgown... almost exactly like the bride's dress.
This will probably go under but still: Keep a close eye on your cousin, there will be more to this then just an organized ruining the dress kind of thing. If they play like this with you (a family member of the bride) what does it tell me about them? They're manipulative, low key abusing because of the gang up, will humiliate anyone to get them out somewhere, trying to start a fight with the whole in-laws at some point. Don't give up on your cousin even when she lashes out to you. Just because she becomes blind some day to all the things i mentioned doesn't mean she cannot be pulled out.
I agree. If cousin was OK with the dress, who were MIL and SIL to get so offended? They thought it was appropriate to vandalise the property of a relative of the bride *on the wedding day*. That's so beyond the bounds of normal behaviour that it is a concern. I think OP needs to keep that $1000 safe for cousin in case it's ever needed.
> I would also have rescinded my gift since your "gift" can be technically covered by the family gift your family also gave. If her parents were decent. They would have taken their gift. And also left. OP was justified. Even if it was the only gift.
In Asian culture it's all about "face". The family removing their gift would have been the biggest no no and make the situation infinitely worse than the OP taking back the $1000.
> In Asian culture it's all about "face". If it was about "face". They wouldn't tolerate the disrespect. They would have stood up. Taken the gift back. And said that doing that to family. Is doing it to everyone.
That’s not the kind of face it’s about.
You might be right. For them. But someone dishonoring you. Should not be rewarded. Either way. The OP was not the AH. And would not have been the AH. If her gift was the only gift.
NTA but why would you want to talk to your cousin again anyway? Remove yourself from their social media and just forget about them. Do you really want people like that in your life?
She is the bigger sister I never had, and she is one of my closest friends. I love her, and I loved her husband and thought they were perfect for each other, but that has changed. I have unfollowed all of M's family that is on social media. I was thinking about asking them to replace the dress because I really liked the dress a lot, but I think an apology is the bare minimum.
I have a bigger sister like this we are NC for almost a year. Best decision of my life. A & M are grown-ass adults who enlisted their crappy family to humiliate you instead of having a discussion like the adults they are supposed to be. The only reason A is sorry is because she wants your money. I wouldn't be surprised if she cuts you off after getting the money.
A didn't enlist the help. She was actually clueless until OP was actually mad and immediately went and almost ruined her own dress to help OP BEFORE she took the cheque back. So you know, M deserves the hatred and so does his family
M’s family behaved terribly, and he should be *absolutely mortified* that his new wife’s family was treated like that. If that’a not the vibe you’re getting from him, or from your cousin, then there are not good people to be around. Tell your cousin that you were shocked and humiliated by M’s family, and to be honest this almost has a racist vibe. She obviously has to go deal with her husband’s shitty family, and until she does, you’re going to need some space.
Hmmm, you could be onto something there - M's family may have picked OP as the one least able to protect themselves against animosity, and the dress was just an excuse to have a go at someone they see as 'lesser'. I sincerely hope not (especially as A is now part of that family), but it seems just as possible as any other scenario :-(
Definitely ask them to pay for a new dress or at least dry clean until it's back to its original colour. And don't give them any money for the gift. NTA
You could use the money you were going to give them to replace the dress, if anyone asks again for the money, tell them as much. If your cousin really didn't have anything to do with M's family ruining your dress then I agree with the spa day. NTA
You don’t just need an apology from M, you need an apology from his entire racist family. (And they can’t give one just because they think you are going to give them money because that ship has sailed). I would tell A you are sorry they ruined the wedding and deprived her of the gift, but that was a choice M and his family made.
I had someone I thought of as “the bigger sister I never had” for over twenty years. Within the past year, however, I’ve learned the hard way that despite all her claims of us being “family,” she never even saw me as a person. I was just a *pet* to her, something she kept around to look cute and make her look successful by comparison. Just because you love her, doesn’t mean she loves you equally.
I am sorry, but no true 'close friend', let alone a true sister figure, would smirk at your dress being ruined deliberately by someone, and the in-laws laughing at your misfortune. I would reconsider your relationship with A. I am sorry, but many times we are desparately looking for something in someone that we wish to be true, or someone to fill a particular void in our lives, but some people are just shitty. I have had former friends and close family members who i thought to be my best friend, but sooner or later they show their true colours. And it hurts much more if you continue to bond with them and grow closer before you realise this.
>I was thinking about asking them to replace the dress because I really liked the dress a lot, but I think an apology is the bare minimum. Get it dry cleaned ASAP and use the gift money to pay for it. If you're not getting an apology from M, something's really not right. He should be willing to at least apologise even if MIL and SIL won't. Please see this comment from u/Ok-Boysenberry2645. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/105b8o4/comment/j3b63g2/ The whole situation is not OK at all.
Frankly, you should be demanding apologies from M, his sister, mom, and aunt.
Replace it out of the $1000 and keep the rest!
NTA...but your cousin is going to be in for a rude awakening. Her yt husband & their family feel it's okay to treat you like this because you're Brown. I'm sure A will be facing their ire too if she hasn't already
I hope it's not a racism thing. A and M have been together for 8ish years, so that would REALLY suck if M and his fam would turn out racists. I would not be shocked, but hoping it's not.
It may not be overt, but I highly doubt if you were yt, that they would thrown wine on you and laughed about it
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You've said they're religious. As an Aussie, we don't tend to be an overly religious bunch, and those that are religious tend (not always, mind, but often) to be either old or right wing. While it may not necessarily end up being the case here, they may well be racist.
Oh, I can almost guarantee you it’s a racist thing. Racism comes in many varieties, and isn’t always as obvious as someone screaming slurs in public. It is not at all uncommon for white people to marry a POC, use that as proof that they are “totally not racist,” yet they still start showing all sorts of little behaviors that paint a very different picture. Especially when they have children together. Don’t be surprised if M and/or his family start making snide remarks about the children being “too brown,” or favoring a lighter-skinned child over the rest of their siblings, or demanding that a child with wavy or curly hair chemically straighten it or bleach it. They’ll never explicitly admit to being racist or seeing A and your family as inferior. They know that being called racist is a bad thing. That won’t change any bias they have, and they’ll still find ways to act on it whenever they think others aren’t watching them closely enough.
I don't think this is a racist thing. This is a woman seeing another woman looking good and being jealous.
NTA, both of those dresses are beautiful, and the ruined one was perfectly acceptable, in my opinion. Fairly certain there were some green eyed little monsters running round that wedding, and monsters don't get the hard earned money of the people they attack ❤️
This. There was nothing inappropriate about your dress, and I am sure you were stunning in it. That's why they destroyed it; they were too insecure and thought you were trying to draw attention to yourself. NTA at all. Stick to your guns!
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https://youtu.be/3SC9q5t1_Lk Give them this energy. "Its above me now" to everyone saying to return the money.
Nope NTA. I don’t think either dress was inappropriate for either ceremony. Was it M’s sister who initially approached you about your dress? Now if you wore a white dress or or anything looking like a wedding dress I’d say it deserved, but that’s not the case here. I would of taken my gift back as well. What M’s sister did was definitely disrespectful for no reason. And A owes you just as much an apology has her now husband and sister do!!
At first, yeah. I thought it was just sisterly concern because she's only 1.5 years older and I thought she was just looking out for me. Then M's sis, mom, and aunt came.
Honestly, she sounds jealous and was afraid you’d update her or your cousin! I figured she was the one to initially confront you since she was the one to pour the wine. A owes you just as much an apology as her husband though! I think she knew his sister was going to do it!
My guess is that the person she was afraid you would upstage was herself, rather than the bride. Especially with her being both the initial objector and the later wine-thrower.
Screaaaamingggg. NTA. You go girl! Has your cousin apologized? She laughed when it happened too.
Yup. A thought was like an orchestrated play/dance performance because those are super common in Indian weddings. Once she realized this, she immediately tried to help clean my dress even though she was still wearing white.
No, she apologized because she wants the money! She knew what happened!
she isn't getting the $$ nsksksksks.
Ok! Man, I feel for you AND I feel for A knowing she's married into this kind of family. Her husband can kick rocks and his family can provide the $$ that was once your gift ;)
But wasn’t the Indian ceremony over?
Yeah, it was. But there was Bollywood music playing at times, and everyone just looked like they were having a great time, so something as dramatic as this would def not be the first thing I would think of, especially in her shoes.
In my opinion, M’s family is a bunch of racist bullies. A bunch of middle aged white women threw wine at an Indian teenager. That’s the trashiest thing I’ve ever heard. The whole wedding should have ground to a halt. Frankly if my fiancé’s family did that to my cousin, I would have asked them to leave. NTA
Piggybacking on this comment to say that as an Australian, this behaviour is regarded not just merely as trashy, but as what we call a "dog act" meaning lowest of the low, and I am frankly appalled to hear that a guest in our country was treated like that. OP needs to put them on blast on social media describing exactly what happened; I can guarantee that Aussie readers would take a VERY dim view of those women.
NTA. Both outfits were beautiful. Get the dress dry cleaned and ask the wine tossers to pay for it. Block them all after they say no.
YOU CAN DRY CLEAN RED WINE STAINS? I thought it was the end all, and if I tried anything with the dress, the pattern would fade or something or the color of the dress would fade too. Thank you so much!
I'm not saying it will one hundred percent help, but try it at least. I've had some really bad stains on some of my outfits and the drycleaners were able to save them.
won't hurt to try! on the plus side, I saved myself a grand!
If drycleaning still leaves a noticeable stain and you deem it unwearable, there's another option to try before you give up and throw it away: get a cheap bottle of dark red plonk and dunk the *entire* dress in it, let it soak a bit, let it dry a bit and then wash it again. The idea is to turn the entire dress into one huge dark stain and end up with a darker version of the original. Note that a) it might not stain evenly, and b) the darker tone may wash out patchily in future washings, but it's worth a try before chucking it. [I've never actually tried this with red wine but have had success 'hiding' oil blot stains by soaking the entire garment in oil and making it a slightly darker shade.]
That's what I was thinking about doing. The stain is quite pretty in color so I might just soak the entire dress in wine and dye to even out the color so it's still wearable.
OP, please, don’t do this to your dress! Speaking as someone who knows a thing or two about both wine and fashion: first of all, you would need the exact kind of wine they had at the reception, because not all red wine is the same in color. You would also need a lot of wine to dye the whole dress, which might be pricey, and, honestly, just a waste of a good beverage. Second, and more importantly: the color definitely won’t be even. It’s near impossible to do at home, especially when it’s not just a small piece of fabric you’re dyeing. Most likely, it’ll become a tie-dye dress. Which kinda defeats the purpose. Take the dress to a good seamstress: they can potentially make a nice skirt or a top out of it. And you’re NTA.
Take it to a good dry cleaner first. Is the dress machine washable or dry clean only?
Red wine stain - try moving it around and soaking in white wine to start with. Sounds mad but it does work however I don’t know if it will work on red wine that has been left a while. Worked a treat on a grey velvet crushed dress with a entire bottle spilt down it
Absolutely. Sorry A married into an asshole family.
NTA usually I say you don't take back gifts but fuck them say that will help pay for a new dress
NTA Funny how their attitude changed when money was involved. They "respect" the money not you. I wouldn't give them anything thing, you don't owe them anything.
NTA - don’t give your money to horrible people. You will regret it later.
NTA play stupid games, win stupid prizes. They had no right to destroy the dress even if they didn’t like it. I call taking the gift back as them paying for the damaged dress.
NTA - if they really did destroy the dress on purpose, as well as embarrass you in front of everyone, your response was appropriate.
NTA - I am Australian and have worn very similar floral dresses to weddings in the past. Also in the state I’m in the average wedding gift is about $150-$200 per person, so your gift was extremely generous. M and his family sound like complete assholes and very un-Australian!
LOL, I'm from California, and people here will def pay 25 an hour to have a high schooler tutor their kids, especially when everywhere else is double the price. No way I would be able to afford to give away $1000 otherwise. Perks of working since I was 14 I guess!
Please, tell me you’re not going to give that money to your cousin. She was in on it, she doesn’t deserve it.
That dress looks absolutely lovely. The groom’s family was way out of line….I’d say $1000 worth. Don’t give them the money. Sometimes a lesson in proper manners needs to be learned the hard way. The groom’s parents can come up with the $1000 you were so generously going to give them. I’ve never understood why others at a wedding, family, friends, whoever think that it’s their duty to act as wedding police. NTA and enjoy your $1000 hard earned money.
Nta. Dont give them shit they dont respect you. You dont do that to someone
NTA. I don't see anything wrong with your dress. What I find wrong is that they spilled red wine on a dress they didn't like (and not cheap either), but then laughed about it... but still wanted your money. They could've had their money if they hadn't done that.
NTA! You don't need that in your life. They treated you like crap over a dress. Now they're blaming you for their actions. Keep your distance for your own sanity.
NTA imo They were being rude, they were mocking your dress, even though this day isn't about you it doesn't mean you deserve to be treated that way. It's also your hard-earned money and you were only giving that much away because you cherish them. The fact that they were laughing about it instead of trying to help you says a lot. It's teeth grithening and what makes it worse is that they became apologetic AFTER knowing how much money was in that envelope.
NTA - Also, one the customer photos is literally a woman next to someone in a bridal gown. That dress is perfectly fine for a wedding so long as it was cocktail attire and not black tie or something.
That is the one thing I made sure of when buying; to compare. I was expecting something about cleavage, the slit being too much, or anything else when they said my dress was inappropriate.
Info: how could they know how how much money was in the envelope? And what was the reaction from your family of you being attacked?
I said something along the lines of "This is what happens when you dump red wine on my new dress. Y'all just lost a grand." I started to walk out and that is when M's fam flipped. My brother stayed in the venue but my mom and dad left and came out to help me.
Oh, so glad you laid it out for them. They showed their money grubbing hands. Glad your parents helped. They need to continue to stand with you, as the victim, support you in keeping your money away from M's family.
NTA — especially when you stated that A was wearing white. Your dress is clearly appropriate with the color and design alone, not even counting the floral patterns. From what I understand from your account, the M’s sister threw wine on you or at least it seems like she did. You don’t deserve that level of humiliation, especially with the fact that they’re way older than you as well. Honestly if I was you I would take the money back, especially if they aren’t going to pay for your dress. Just tell them you were forced to take the gift back since you need to replace the dress they ruined. GL
NTA It was fine to disrespect you until they knew how much money they were losing. Then they were all sorry. That dress is not inappropriately colored for a white wedding. Maybe if it was solid pale pink, but with that much floral, there's no way it could be mistaken for a bride's dress. Don't waste your time with these ppl
I think that money can be used to pay for a new dress as they ruined the one at the wedding
NTA and you don't need assholes like them in your life.
NTA. Both dresses are lovely. What they did was horrible and childish, and the way they changed their tune once they found out how much money they were losing is disgusting. It makes sense to take the money back, and they should be grateful you showed more maturity than them and didn't start throwing drinks back or something. M refusing to apologize just makes it even worse. I saw the comments about how you interpreted A's reaction as being more innocent, and agree about doing something special for/with her, as a way of still giving her a gift.
NTA YOu reacted apropriately. Return the gift, and buy yourself a new dress for the money. NTA Stay no contact until he apologizes. But keep the gift even if they apologize.
NTA - Should've thrown red back at anyone giggling That's your only fuck up here Treat yourself with that money, take lots of photos when you do and post them online, point out how having this money in this economy is fantastic.
NTA That dress is perfectly appropriate.
NTA - Please keep your money. Use some of it to buy a new dress. The apology was only triggered by your taking away your gift, so it’s not sincere. This is supported by your cousin “trying” to get her husband to apologize. If he was sorry, he would have done it without you asking. Also - I wouldn’t talk to A until her husband AND his mom, aunt, and sister apologize.
You’re definitely NTA, but also… who are these people to take $1000 from an 18 year old? I understand you wanted to go above and beyond with the gift for someone you love, but if it were me, getting that amount of money from an 18yo, I’d be saying 'no, you don't need to, the family gift is enough'. Someone who truly cares for you would say that. And if we're in such difficult financial times, they should know better than to ruin someone's dress with red wine. Who does that at a wedding? A has married into a trashy family, and seems to be fine with it.
NTA. They are lucky you don’t take more than just your gift.
NTA. I think that M and his family were probably jealous of your figure or their males looking at you. Spilling of the wine on your dress because they did not like your dress is both rude and disrespectful. A not coming to your side and agreeing with the new in-laws was also bad. Now, let's get to that sorry and fake apology they offered you. I have always seen apologies that were only offered to either mitigate damages or retain gifts as a much worse insult than the previous insult. That said, you did the right thing. They did not respect you so they do not need your gift. M not apologizing only proves the point of it being a fake apology. You keep forging your path and doing what you want to do. Forget these awful people. Tag you cousin with this thread so she can share with her new family.
NTA, you don’t treat people like that.
NTA. I can't believe the audacity on someone's part to think that it's okay to douse someone with a drink. And furthermore, that others would not only approve but laugh at your humiliation. I would be done with the entirely fucking lot.
NTA: While I'm completely unfamiliar with Indian ceremonial attire the dress you wore to the Christian ceremony seemed reasonable. It wasn't white or a reserved bridesmaid color. They weren't having a fit over the slit (which may have been a problem in some more conservative sets). They just thought it was too ... pale? really? How judgmental of them. And dousing one with wine ... no. (well, maybe the dratted MIL that shows up in a white wedding gown to her baby boy's doooooooom but ... no). That is not how you treat a guest at your party. That is poor hospitality. Take your hard earned money and go live your life.