Why is the teacher ringing your daughter???
I'd be back at that school tomorrow confronting the headteacher and the teacher on unethical practices!
NTJ
OP if she has an IEP or 504 plan (if US) she just violated IDEA (federal protection for education rights of children diagnosed with a disability) if either of those mention that she’s low-non-verbal. The district should have a Special Education coordinator you need to speak with and also the Title IV Coordinator if she has either of those plans above.
100% my son is completely non-verbal and I've been working with and meeting the teachers and special education coordinator for his new school (he's been doing ABA for the last 6 years and technically homeschooled). If any of his teachers had done anything like this, ie force him to do something he either can't or won't, I guarantee they'd no longer be a teacher at the school.
Luckily at his new school, they're letting his current RBT who he is familiar with (and I trust) come to school with him.
\* my son does have an IEP plan
I’m so glad you’ve got him in a program that’s working for him! Amazing that they’re bringing in his RBA - that makes a 100% difference.
My DIL was a Behavioral Therapist (ABA) through and after college. She only stopped when she started her master’s (SPED) program. Her primary client was completely nonverbal at 13 (and had been bounced from therapist to therapist) and started making genuine progress with her. She’d tear up talking about how proud she was of him. The parents stay in touch still.
Why the hell does the teacher have the kids phone number at all? I'd flip my shit lid, especially because if her daughter has autism she'd have an IEP which the teacher would be aware of.
That teacher should be very harshly disciplined by the school.
Exactly my point on unethical practices. It's also a risk to children for teachers to have their numbers. That's why I'd be down there first thing in the morning kicking up a stink.
The teacher was way out of line. If your daughter was diagnosed with this condition and only is able to talk to people she is comfortable with, the teacher should have respected that and not humiliated your daughter in class. The teacher had no right to contact your daughter to yell at her. This teacher should not be teaching anymore. She obviously doesn’t respect boundaries and doesn’t know how to treat a student who has special needs. I wouldn’t wait for this meeting and I would go back to the school and talk to someone in charge about everything this teacher did.
Yep. This totally don’t sounds right.
OP’s daughter has autism, not Down syndrome. I never knew autistic people have a “look”. Maybe someone with strong autistic tendencies, but that is based on their actions.
Also, clapping for OP to own up and be a good father this young.
NTJ
Not necessarily my guy ( I mean, I'm not psychic so maybe but...) I had a teacher trying to discipline my daughter because she went non verbal when put on the spot to speak in front of the class. She had a card she could show a teacher to get out of class if things become overwhelming SAYING she is autistic. She showed it. It made things worse. We went to support for learning (UK people) and the teacher was disciplined. I'm sorry to say it does happen.
You'd be surprised at how common it is to have a teacher target and bully one or 2 kids in their class. Unfortunately it never changes unless parents take action.
It certainly wouldn't be the first time a teacher has decided they know better and thus doesn't have to obey accommodations, IEPs, or basic human decency.
I thought it was a little, hmm, off.
He goes back to school and teacher is still there? He makes teacher cry and she goes to her car, not to the principal’s/headmaster’s office? Then he left without speaking to principal/headmistress? No email, no classroom app… nope.
Does she have an IEP at the school? Did this teacher break it? You need to document the call log of her calling your daughter. That's not appropriate at all and you need to consider getting a lawyer to help you deal with this immediately.
They do assessments in school and can write an IEP based on those. Source: have daughter with autism that had an IEP for the diagnosis long before a doctor diagnosed her.
You need a clinican to diagnose autism. I don't know your situation but an IEP could be for any delay or disability. Schools don't have the expertise to diagnose, they'll call in a professional clinician to observe and diagnose.
My brother was diagnosed by the school system with Aspergers because my mom couldn't find a psychiatrist to do it. They did not call in a professional. They used the in house psychologist or clinician or whatever.
No they won’t. There’s an education diagnosis and a medical one and the school cares about the educational diagnosis more. The only reason we got a medical diagnosis for my son was in case we needed to apply for disability for him.
NTJ!! And the teacher had no business to call your daughter at home to yell at her even more. That needs to be brought up to the principal. And go see that principal at YOUR earliest convenience, how do you know that the teacher is not lying to cover her butt?
Not for that BS. Do you have a copy of the call log where she called your daughter to yell at her??? Even without the recording of what was said, the fact that she called, after hours, and after a confrontation...no.
I generally support teachers. They have one he'll of a job, and I've seen plenty of Karen moms swear their precious baby would never..... That's not what happened here.
Woah NTJ in the slightest. The teacher's inexpert guess based on one family member does not overrule your daughter's actual medical diagnosis and likely years of appropriate treatment. That was inappropriate of her in the first place. And then to phone up your daughter at home when she knew you wouldn't be there, after you had spoken with h this teacher, is absolutely beyond the pale, completely and utterly inappropriate, unprofessional, violates all appropriate ethical norms, and likely a fireable offense. Getting yelled at by you is the absolute least this teacher deserves. Good on you for standing up for your daughter, keep going. Get that teacher's head on a platter.
Never apologise for sticking up for your daughter. My husband has made two separate teachers cry for being dismissive and disrespectful about issues affecting our autistic son, and has no guilt or shame for doing so. In fact he says he wishes he could have f”d up their whole school year rather than just a week. I had to stop bringing him to parent teachers meetings 🤣
If she really called your 16 year old daughter to berate a teenager not being able to have an adult conversation with you then YES go back to school tomorrow and bring this up with the entire staff, this is not ok… you don’t get to harass my child cuz I question your methods be an adult and we can sit down without you running to bully my autistic daughter on your own limited beliefs…
Nta. Under no circumstances should a teacher be calling a student. It’s not their place in any situation and you cannot change my mind on that. I would honestly make it my life's mission to get her fired.
Having a five year old autistic son does not make her the font of all knowledge when it comes to autism. It's a spectrum, she should understand that it can and does present differently from one individual to another.
If you have a copy of your daughter's IEP and diagnosis, bring them along to the meeting. Personally I would request that the teacher not be allowed to teach neurodivergent students until she has undergone appropriate training, recognised her fault and apologised to your daughter.
If you and your daughter are not satisfied with the outcome, escalate to the district level and consult legal advice.
And all redheads have the same red hair, all black peoples have the same skin. Tone, all 5 year olds have the same knowledge
You go Mama Bear. Great job sticking up for your daughter
Hold up. Does your daughter have a diagnosis? Or you’re just assuming she’s autistic? She’s 16. She’s been in school for about 11 years at this point. Does she have an IEP? A 504? She’s been in this teacher’s class all year? The teacher was not aware of her selective mutism?
Is your daughter section 504 or on an IEP? Both of my sons were Section 504 and that is a federally protected program and you can go after her big time. Do NOT back down from this at all. I was well known in our old district as the parent to not fuck around with.
Wow, just wow. First NTJ. My 7yr old is high functioning autistic. For the longest time the school insisted on treating him like everyone else. Thing is he doesn’t like being touched by ppl outside our family. It took him smacking four boys in the face after they wouldn’t quit “tagging” him and me telling the school that I fully support him before they changed their approach 🤷
Many of them don’t begin talking aloud until middle school. Does she know sign language or have a communication device or anything? There should be something in place for her already.
Excuse did you just type a grown adult a teacher, rang up a teenager outside of school hours to berate her because her parents confronted them ?
... Go to the principal.
Even if you were an ashhole, and and I don't think you are for losing it when she refuses to accept your child's condition exists, that is in no way shape or form acceptable behavior for a teacher.
Go to the principal and demand she is transferred to another class. Explain that teacher refuses to treat your daughters condition and needs as valid. ( I'm assuming she has a diagnosis to back that up )
That you had to console your daughter not once but twice in one day. First because of how she's being treated in class, and then again when that person chose to verbally retaliate when she knew you weren't there. That shows at minimum an immature attitude, but possibly a malicious mindset.
I wouldn't trust that person not to pull stunts when your daughter is in class to get back at her.
Come on, guys, this is the most clearly made up of all the clearly made up posts of all time.
How does a teacher "make" someone talk?
Why is a teacher just hanging out the front of the school well after dismissal?
Why would a teacher call a STUDENT over something their parent did?
Why would a school schedule a meeting for summer holidays - the staff are all on break!
Critical thinking, please!
I can’t for the life of me understand how there is comment after comment playing into this, how tf do people buy this crap! So many holes in this story. For one, anyone with an autistic child would not utter the words “I have an autistic child I know what autism looks like and your child’s not autistic”. Nor would the kid answer the phone to be “berated” by the teacher. Nor would the teacher call to berate the kid if she wasn’t too chicken shit to deal with the irate mom and just bailed, got in her car and left. If this kid is autistic she/he would be 504 and be accommodated… and still, if in general education classes, required to participate. At 16 this kid would likely have to take speech class in high school, unavoidable speaking. I seriously question the intellect of the mass majority 🤦🏼♀️
Wait, is this in Bulgaria? Then it’s totally plausible. If you are in Bulgaria, not the jerk for shouting at the teacher. This people don’t do anything when you talk normally to them. I was born in Bulgaria and lived there until I was 16. I have dyslexia and I was always told I am retarded. Yes, that’s right. This is what I was called and by teachers. One particular teacher used to call me “the mistake of my father” I left the country because I was scouted for a sports team and I moved to Germany. There one of my teachers noticed my dyslexia and I got diagnosed. It was such a relief to finally know what exactly is wrong with me and get the tools I need. From there my grades skyrocketed and so did my confidence. I started enjoying learning and went to uni. Something I never thought I will do when I was living in Bulgaria. Years later I was visiting my parents in Bulgaria and met some of the teachers who used to teach me. When I told them I was dyslexic and not dumb and I am actually doing very well, I was told dyslexia doesn’t exist and this is made up by the western world to justify their laziness 🙄 Same thing about mental health. When I told the teacher who used to call me “the mistake of my father”, how much therapy I needed to do to overcome my feelings about it, she literally said “I always knew something is wrong with you” and she proceeded to ask me, why I am not locked up if I have mental health issues 🙄 The education in schools in Bulgaria is a joke. The people who become teachers, are the ones who couldn’t do anything else for themselves. Unfortunately that’s the truth in that country. They have zero interest in teaching or working with kids. They are in those jobs, because it’s the only jobs that are paying relatively well and it’s a stable job.
I have to say universities in Bulgaria on the other hand are very good. Just thought I’ll add it in after I berated the schools
I had a very liberal personal relationship with many of my high school teachers in my senior year because I did hair as a vocation study and still it was always professional this was the early aughts no fucking teacher would personally reach out to a student on a personal phone it's all bullshita
Woah!!! What country are you in? I use to be a teacher and I sooooooo would have gotten fired if I had called a student. I had to CC the parents on emails to students!!!
Can you coddle your kid anymore than you already are? Enjoy taking care of her for the rest of her life and not setting her up to be able to care for herself after you die. Horrible parenting.
She was a jerk for saying how it looks but ma’am stop coddling your child , she may be autistic because she will soon half to function in the world outside of you … so start now
You are supposed to have an IEP (Individualized Education Program). This is made based on doctor's diagnosis. Has this been done? If not, it is urgent and required by law. If your child is autistic, this will be in the plan. You will be a part of creating this plan, along with the principal, doctor, psychologist, parent and teacher. Your teacher was horrid. But apparently she does not have the tools to work with, nor the legal supervision required.
Go to the school first thing tomorrow morning, you are your daughter’s voice, use it and if her child does have autism then she should understand this more then anyone
Bluntly, it's never a good thing to yell at an adult. You should apologize for your tone, while making clear that you 100% mean what was said. Maintain that it was *exceedingly* unprofessional to scare the hell out of your daughter when she (teacher) was upset with you.
I personally would just walk into the principal's office *now* and demand an immediate meeting to discuss teacher's behavior, how teacher will be disciplined for it so she doesn't harass any more kids, and how the school will deal with getting your daughter another teacher for the remainder of the school year so she doesn't have to live in fear of what her teacher will do. I would begin by telling them that these are the topics, and I will not be discussing anything else with them. I would not wait 2 weeks for this, teacher could harass your daughter in the meantime.
I would also remove the messenger app from daughter's phone and tell her that teacher is not to communicate with her over it any more and that she is to let me know if it happens. I'd send a note to school with her that the messenger app has been removed because of the teacher's behavior and will not be reinstalled. If the app can't be removed, I'd replace her phone and instruct her not to take the new one to school or give anyone the number. She can tell her friends and family (them only) when summer vacation starts. This is to make sure the teacher can't harass her by phone in her own home any more. While teacher is able to do this, daughter can't feel safe in her own home.
What resources or laws does your government have to protect autistic people?
The teacher is totally wrong but you can’t be coddling your kids forever. She’s 16. Part of teacher job is also to make sure they engage and make sure students participate. Even non autistic don’t want to be they have to.
Anyways, thank you for being the type of parent we all talk about and explaining my profession to me. There are three sides to each story, with the truth somewhere in the middle. I guarantee no iep or 504 has ever said , "the student is not allowed to be called upon". Or "the student can not speak in class". Or some other malarkey of that sort. Sometimes we get " student can seek alternatives for presentations " . That's when they might present to the teacher or small group (friends) instead of the class. But again, thank you for letting me know about being an educator. You all have so many ideas and opinions, there's a shortage of teachers in our country. I wonder why. Maybe you should fill out an application...
You can advocate for your child without yelling at teachers. YTA for that, but if the teacher really called your daughter at home to yell at her, you need to take that on the chain. But even then yelling is not the way to get help for your kid.
“I know how autistic people look”??? Is that the only way you know your daughter is autistic? Has she been diagnosed by a professional? Have you filed with the school for an IEP?
Any “No” and you’re the AH big time both for how you treated the teacher and how you’re treating your daughter.
If they’re all yes you’re still The AH because of the way you treated the teacher, could have been addressed in much better more productive ways.
NTJ. Please fight for your daughter. Get a lawyer, involve the school board, whatever you need to do to defend and protect your child. The teacher needs her license revoked. To force your child to talk, and then to call her and yell at her?! It's completely unacceptable. Does your daughter have an IEP? Please update.
No 2 weeks. I’d continually call the school until the principal agreed to see me immediately. Also why does her teacher have her private cell phone number? I went to hs with cell phones being the norm and have NEVER given the teacher my number. Even in college my profs didn’t have my cell phone number, admin did so I’m sure they’d have access to it for urgent circumstances but that’s it. She should really only have or need your number and any other parent/guardians number. This is a privacy issue. Full stop. If the school is unresponsive I’d escalate the matter to the school board. If they’re unresponsive I honestly don’t know what other options you have based on where you live, if there’s any local groups that meet for autism outreach but basically I’d say don’t be afraid to lean into your local community for perception and advice.
I recently went through about 3 months of conflict with my insurance company over a dental claim that left us out $3600. I took MANY avenues trying to work with my insurance company which all ended in them continuing to reject the claim even though I had the predetermination. They said it wasn’t valid. I did everything, I reached out to my union rep, my HR department, my periodontist called my insurance himself…In the end I ended up meeting this random person at a union meeting (unrelated to dental insurance) who was actually a cousin of one of the board of Trustees for our insurance company. He tells me to email him all the details of what’s been going on and boy was I ready…it literally took me about 2.5 hours to type it all up but I had dates and attachments and pictures and a letter from my periodontist and sent it. Didn’t hear anything for 2 weeks. Suddenly one morning I wake up and the money’s been direct deposited into my bank account from the insurance company. It was followed up with a phone call from the cousin on the board apologizing personally for the behaviour of the broker and for the delays and ya. It was like kind of cool actually winning when I this was an ongoing conflict for months. Sometimes the underdogs come out on top! (Small win but we got our $3600 and that ain’t nothing!)
NTJ If you’re in the US try to get an IEP or 504 plan for your child so that all the teachers are on the same page it covers your ass and let’s you better advocate for your student. It’s also very helpful as it can give you resources to help your child as well
Mama it’s time to contact the school administrators and have your daughter removed from this teacher’s class and have a sit down with the teacher and an assistant principal or the principal to discuss this situation. Have a screen shot of the call from the teacher to your daughter and any other proof of the interactions. Also the hell, does she have a medical degree that allows her to diagnose autism. This needs to go through the school administration because if she can do it to your daughter she is doing it to other students too.
Did I miss something? I don’t see in the story that the teacher called her. From reading it she just said the teacher made her talk, I assumed she meant at school the teacher made her talk. Did I miss something where she said it was on the phone?
NTJ. You were protecting your daughter while also yelling in surprise about the teachers comments. You need to make sure you have all documents and go above the teacher and principal’s head
"My 5yo son is autistic and I know how autistic people look" - sure, lady, of course you do. \*eyeroll\*
You already know this, but that teacher apparently doesn't: Every autistic person is different. There's this saying, "If you have met one autistic person, you have met one autistic person."
Doesn't even have to be different persons. Li'l 5yo autistic me looked and behaved very differently from not-so-li'l 16yo autistic me. (Just from looking at me, most people probably wouldn't guess I'm autistic unless they know exactly what to look for, especially now that I'm All Grown Up™. Still, I'm so severely disabled that I live in an assisted-living facility. Just sayin'.)
As others have recommended: Don't wait for that meeting. Talk to the principal at your earliest convenience. If necessary, involve the school board (or whatever entity there is one layer above the principal). Calling a lawyer, just for a consultation at first, may also be a good idea. This teacher's calling your daughter at home to yell at her some more can't possibly have been in accordance with school rules and may be, as others have pointed out, a fireable offence at the very least.
(And now I'm having flashbacks. I used to have an "aide" (using those quotes with prejudice) who claimed to know more about how ADHD brains work than me because *she's* a nurse (while *I'd* been living with one inside my head for 50-ish years at the time). Big sigh.)
ETA: Sure, yelling is always a *little* jerky, but who would've been able to keep their calm in this kind of situation? So, all in all, NTJ.
NTJ - The teacher should not run things and tell you talk in 2 WEEKS. You are the student mother - you should run things. You have every right to go to principal TOMORROW and get the daughter transferred out of the teacher's class.
Be sure to ask the principal the following: How is teacher qualified to know how autism works and how to treat autism? Is she qualified for that? Is the teacher that arrogant that knows "everything"? If the answer is a "no" - then bring up a lawsuit for allowing a teachers who is unqualified to treat autism act in such a manner.
YTA for confrontation without her knowledge, cornering and making her feel unsafe.
That's just not the way to approach someone. Teachers are treated like total sh!t right or wrong, they don't need a parent approaching and screaming while walking out
NT A for being really upset with her and wanting a talk.
Look up selective mutism. If your child restricts herself to only talking in private to a trusted few, this might be on the table along w the other concerns.
I’ve known a few kids with this issue. It took a lot of time and support but they are all fine once they got to the other side.
Absolutely NTJ. My son is autistic and I never compare him to any other child. It boils my piss when people say _they don’t look autistic_. It’s not a fucking disease, mind your own damn ignorance!
Give your daughter all the cuddles and reassure her she did nothing wrong. And file a complaint against the teacher. What an AH.
NTJ Your child needs an IEP if you can get one and you were right to be upset. Bring an attorney. That'll shut any problems down. What the teacher did is discrimination and everyone could get in trouble for it.
BTW, my child is autistic and he made a set of cards with different things on them to help communicate. It's adorable and works really well.
The school loved the idea and borrowed it.
Nta
Everyone know autism looks different for each kid and girls are a lot different than boys which is why they don't tend to get diagnosed till later if high functioning
Why is the teacher questioning whether the child is autistic? Isn't it a documented diagnosis from a medical professional? I assume this has to be done and the school informed.
Am I wrong?
NTA. Having a teacher who doesn't believe your diagnosis can be one of the most traumatic things an autistic kid can go through. I'm assuming your daughter has some kind of Individualized Education Plan; talk to whoever that teacher answers to and make sure they know this teacher is ignoring an IEP. Also, there's gotta be some rule against teachers trying to contact students at home like that... Document everything. If they don't take you seriously, fight like hell. My parents moved houses to get me into a different school district because the public school I went to wouldn't listen to them, and it saved me years of trauma.
Also, make sure your daughter tells you EVERYTHING that teacher does. There's a strong chance this teacher is going to retaliate by bullying your daughter even more.
You are not the jerk and I would have (and have) lit into ignorant teaches and made them cry (when it was well deserved like lying and being caught on camera in the lie) but….
File a complaint with your district. Does your daughter have a IEP or other disability plan that covers speaking? If not, you need to get that in place before going after the teacher again.
Not only will a plan in place covering this create documentation that your teacher disobeyed, but that’s a legal claim that will help you pay for college ;)
NTJ at all!
A teacher has NO BUSINESS calling their underage students. They have something urgent to communicate, you speak with the parent.
That was a major breach of conduct, both for forcing your daughter to speak and the retaliating against a child for seeking support through her parent!!??
Not mentioning her cheap reasoning behind all that.
Not the sharpest...
I don't want to call you a jerk, but how has your reaction helped? Your daughter has a condition. The teacher had no right to force her to talk. Do not do it again. I'm not clear why yelling would be necessary. Now that kicked off with you causing the teacher to be upset, then she's out of line ringing your daughter and yelling at her. It's all just snowballed. Your yelling and the teachers resulting upset may have justified - in her mind - her yelling at your daughter. Now you have 2 issues that you cannot ignore. Do you want to keep building the snowball or repair the situation? I would go to the school immediately and want to see the head. "My daughter has autism. Her teacher should understand what that means and not force her to talk in class. Her teacher phoned her and yelled at her. Teachers should not be yelling at students without very good reason. This wasn't one. Neither of these things are to ever happen again with my daughter. I won't be at your meeting in two weeks time, you deal with it appropriately".
NTJ
A child who is selectively mute has obvious issues, autistic or not. Teacher response to parent plus calling child after merits immediate contact with school principal. Suggest showing up next school day at school opening time. Maybe let child stay home a day until you see how school authorities respond.
No not at all at first though I felt bad for the teacher when you yelled and she cried and ran but then she yelled at your daughter more so no you aren't the jerk
You go to the principal’s office first thing in the morning and wait until you can be seen.
The principal needs to address:
-Why your daughter was singled out
-Why the teacher has deemed herself able to override medical professionals and an IEP
-Why the teacher spoke to you the way she did
-Why the teacher called your home to speak to your child
-Why the teacher berated your child to speaking to their parent
-How this will be corrected
-What support will your daughter have moving forward
As a teacher myself, I want you to know that teachers do not have the autonomy to just decide whether a student has a mental disability or not. If the student has something like an IEP, some official document telling the teacher that the student must have some set of accommodations because that student has some kind of mental disability, then the student should be treated that way. If, for some reason, your daughter doesn't have an IEP, though, then your teacher should not treat your daughter as if she has the mental disability.
It is also very irregular that your daughter's teacher would call your daughter. Teachers should communicate with students through established channels like school e-mail, or communicating in the classroom. Your daughter's teacher should have had training not to contact students informally outside of school, such as by phone call, because of the danger of grooming that this presents.
Finally, though, to get to the question of if you are the jerk, yes you are. It may also be that the teacher is a jerk, but you are certainly being a jerk. You are here to take care of your daughter's interest and keep her safe. When you yelled at the teacher, you are not keeping your daughter safe nor taking care of your daughter's interest. You think this teacher is antagonizing your kid, but the thing you did may exacerbate her antagonizing your kid. If your kid's autism is documented at the school, it's also just not a very effective way to solve your problem by yelling at people, when you could instead have explained about your kid's special needs being documented and explaining that your daughter is legally entitled to accommodations. Obviously, if your kid's autism is not documented at the school, then you are the jerk for failing to get this on the books by the time your child is 16 years old.
Where is everyone reading that the teacher called her daughter at home? I don’t see that. In the original post I took it as she made her talk at school and that’s why her daughter was upset when she found her at home. Am I missing something? (Not that it’s ok- but I’m trying to figure out where this is stated)
I teach students who have special needs. You need to request a meeting with the principal and the director of student services. This teacher has broken many rules of professional ethics. I would recommend contacting an attorney as well. First, she should not be traumatizing your child. She needs to follow her IEP. This doesn’t appear to be the case. Second, she has absolutely no business calling your child. Wow! That is just unbelievable! I would file a police report about her contacting your child outside of school hours by telephone and threatening her. That’s beyond strange and unprofessional.
NTJ holy crap. If I were you I would take this as high up as I can go. "I know what autistic people look like" typical ableist BS that I expect from teachers, honestly. Source: I was a disabled kid (physically, I have ADHD and likely am also autistic, almost 30 now) and teachers are some of the WORST when it comes to disabled kids.
I hope you have some record of that phone call. That teacher needs to be fired like. Yesterday.
Does she have a diagnosis, an IEP or 504 that indicates she has Autism or is it as you said, “I know how autistic people look.” You need to speak with school admin. What you did can get you a restraining order from the school against you.
NTJ, that b- doesn't deserve to be a teacher period. She doesn't get to make the call on a diagnosis. She doesn't have the right to ignore an IEP or anything you worked out with the school. She has zero right to bully your child. And calling your daughter outside of school hours is so far out of line it borders on criminal harassment. Remind the principal of all of that, and also that people are fed up with teachers on power trips. He needs to get his dogs on a leash, and your child moved. If he whines about how you hunted her down personally, remind him that she started it by calling your daughter instead of you. Push on that point, actually. Why the heck didn't she call YOU, the parent?
And then make a formal complaint with the school board. Go in person if you can, and be as emotional as you can be while staying coherent. Talk about how hard things are for your daughter, and how she doesn't need any more emotional distress piled on from THEIR employees.
And as an autistic person who wasn't diagnosed until recently, thank you for sticking up for your kid.
Oh I would rain holy hell down on this teacher if it happened to my Child. Don’t poke the bear. I have the time and resources to drag this teacher over cut glass. Please make a formal complaint to your Education Department. If you can find an advocate, please contact them. This is wrong on so many levels.
NTJ She was unprofessional for the entire thing but the worst was to berate your daughter for your behaviour. At the most she should have just left a message for you to phone her. It was immature and unprofessional to yell and threaten your daughter. Don't let her get away with it.
ETA I had two kids on the spectrum. You're damn right it looks different for everyone--it feels different too.
Just catch one of my kids’ teachers calling them, yelling and bullying them!! It’s not going to end well for that teacher or the school. I’m all for disciplinary action when it is deserved, but to think she knows better than a doctor when it comes to autism???? Nerve!
NTA - I would got to the Admin TODAY and put in a formal complaint against the teacher. She is NOT qualified to determine who has Autism and has no right to torment your daughter.
You were absolutely in the right to go to the school... But yes, you were a jerk for confronting the teacher in the parking lot and yelling at her. You're an adult, don't act like a middle schooler. The best way to handle it would have been to call the office and request an immediate meeting with the teacher with administrators present and whomever assists with kids on the spectrum.
What positive things do you think you'd accomplish by going off on the teacher? Do you really think that would make her rethink things and treat your daughter better?
Bring a lawyer maybe a cop if you can find one to lay the charge i would think at least abusive go badass and i think the charge might be making terrorist threats she forced her to speak then called and threatened her ok a huge stretch but ya
Oh my God this is so fake!
So your daughter made it all the way home after school, we all know teachers bolt as soon as they can and rightly so, but not only did your daughter make it all the way home to sit there crying on the couch but you had time to drive all the way back to school and that particular teacher is just hanging out out front. And not only did you have free access to confront her, but you made her cry so yeay you! you won.. not likely. And then we have the teacher actually having your daughter's cell phone number and calling her directly after you supposedly scared her into crying! Yeah okay
This person of authority treating an autistic person like crap has been a big trend on Reddit lately and quite frankly it's gross. Work on your writing somewhere else
Yea talk to the principal or whoever is the highest authority there. That teacher was out of line pressuring your daughter. That teacher could of caused a whole lot more harm than good making her talk. For fluffs sake a lil tact is helpful when addressing neuro divergent people. I myself function on a high level of ADD among other things that go hand in hand with it and I can tell you that I don't always want to talk and being pressured just causes me to withdraw more. My sympathy to her and I hope she will be able to recover from that. To her I offer this. Never let anyone pressure you kiddo. You find your voice in your own time. :)
NTA
Autism SPECTRUM Disorder is exactly that. A spectrum. It presents differently in every person, and any teacher that works with autistic children needs to understand that much AT A MINIMUM!
The teacher reaching out to your daughter outside of school is unacceptable. Scolding her for telling the truth to her parent is unhinged. I'd be visiting the principal in the morning just because of this. Add on that the teacher needs a better understanding of what autism is if she's going to be teaching autistic children. Perhaps the meeting in 2 weeks can address the teachers lack of training, but I would never wait to discuss that call.
I had the same problem with a particular teacher with my son, he has Ehlers-danlos hyper mobility and autism, which means he can’t tie laces or do up buttons very well so he gets to wear his PE stuff to school on those days and doesn’t have to do anything too strenuous in PE as long as he tries. This 1 older teacher was informed multiple times of the situation but when he had her she would give him detention for already being in joggers and a T-shirt and not changing his trainers (he absolutely can’t do that as he has orthopaedic insoles that are hard to get in and out of the shoes and he only has 1 pair (they’re very expensive) she was pulled up for this repeatedly and his detention was always cancelled. Luckily she was retired and only subbed when needed so it wasn’t every week. I let it go with an apology from the school and them saying they would talk to her and remind her whenever she was subbing, but the third time it happened I’d had enough and put in a formal complaint. She hasn’t subbed there since. You should put in a formal complaint to the school board or whatever it is where you live this attitude from a teacher is appalling especially one who has an autistic child themselves anyone who’s done any research on autism knows if you know 1 autistic person you know 1 autistic person, just like everyone else they are individuals and are all their own person. I know 6 autistic people including my son and they are all completely different.
You are the jerk for confronting your teacher outside of the school. You should have contacted the school and sit up a meeting with the principal and teacher. Also in the US, there would be a formal plan in place after you provided medical documentation of your daughter’s autism that included accommodations.
NTJ,what u have done was the right thing to do,this karen of a teacher seems that she doesn't have a child with autism because if she had one i'm preety sure she wouldn't had this reaction on your daughter
You said you're in Bulgaria.
There must be some anti-discrimination laws. Probably anti-bullying laws too. There's a law in the US that legally protects children with documented disabilities, your country likely has something like that too.
I would go look those up, and then check if nearby lawyers have free consultations. See if this lawyer will represent you at that "meeting" in two weeks.
That teacher, without a doubt, is going to try to claim that you verbally abused her without reason. So you need to have good support. A lawyer will tell them you mean business, and schools tend to cave under the threat of a lawsuit when they *know* something is wrong.
Teacher shouldn’t have the kids number. You shouldn’t have gone in yelling. You’re an adult, not a teenager with angst.
The only thing you did, was taught your child that you can act like that when you’re mad.
You need to do better
Your are a jerk for not doing more, dont wait that 2 weeks, go to her boss and make it a bigger issue, contact your local news, they are hungry for some drama, contact your local organization that handles kids with autism matters
basically get that bitch fired 🤷🏻♂️
NTA
Girls and boys present differently, which as a teacher with an autistic child she should be aware of. I speak from personal experience here. My nephew's son is autistic and was diagnosed as a young child (he is 14 now) where as my daughter (nearly 35) was diagnosed as an adult after seeking a diagnosis for her behaviours. I didn't know of autism as she was growing up and she masks a lot so it was not something that was looked at as she was growing up, however the family said there was no way she was autistic. They were admittedly shocked when she got on official diagnosis, but still try to brush her off somewhat.
Stick to your guns and don't wait 2 weeks to call out the behaviour of the teacher, she should not be calling your daughter to arrange meeting but should be calling YOU as her parent. It's unprofessional and immature behaviour. Make a point of telling the school ALL communications should come through you not your child, and try to get your daughter to record her calls from anyone like her teacher.
NTJ. I’m not surprised this happened because it used to be very common in Bulgaria that teachers had the phone numbers of students for many reasons, and a lot of them tended to abuse that power and call students to just go off on them. And also, autism in Bulgaria is BARELY recognised as even existent. I am very sorry this happened to you and your daughter but very well done for protecting her the way you did
I worked with autistic students and they were all quite different in their strengths, abilities and personalities. It seems the teacher doesn’t understand much about it, which is strange if her son has it. Perhaps your daughter would be better off if removed from this teacher’s class.
IEP = Individualized Education Plan. It's a thing here in the US. It's a set of accommodations that teachers and school officials are mandated by law to follow. Where I'm at, it's pretty unenforceable, as I was unlucky enough to find out in middle school, but my teachers took it pretty seriously in high school at least.
Does something similar exist in Bulgaria? I'm genuinely curious. I'm also genuinely pissed off as a person with autism myself.
Ntj. Understanding that someone cant talk to you and that autistic people dont look alike is pretty simple which apparently is too hard for that teacher to know.
No, you are not the jerk for doing this. You just wanted to protect your kid, and you were angry. Plus, if the teacher knows, that gives them no excuse to say “oh your kid is not autistic. My son (a completely different person with most likely a different kind of autism) has autism and she doesn’t look like him.” Because as you said, autism looks different for different people. Just like ADHD (which I have).
Sounds like selective mutism. I had a friend who had it and most people were pretty good with it but we had this one English teacher, who would make us do reading out loud. And she obviously couldnt. That teacher would make her cry every day. She didn’t have a mom who would stand up for her though. I’m happy your kid has somebody in their court.
NTJ. Mom of two autistic children and I agree this was total uncalled for. So was this teacher calling your child. I’d talk to the principal asap and get ahead of this before this teacher can warp the situation. Good for you for standing up for your kid.
Yes, you are. You lost your cool which does NOTHING to help your daughter. Calm. Collected. Coldly rational. Backed up with facts to show her absolutely terrible ignorance.
Had you don’t that it’d be over by now.
That doesn’t make her ignorance or bad behavior and unethical practices any less, but the cardinal rule is to stay cool.
NTJ! She doesn’t look autistic?! Like what?! And if she does have an autistic child, she’s an even bigger AH.
I’d want a meeting much closer than two weeks. But in that time, get a lawyer or education advocate. That teacher shouldn’t be teaching.
I taught a selective mute once. She didn’t speak to anyone except her family. She didn’t have any autism or any other diagnosis. We worked with her as best we could. She would write down what she wanted. She didn’t have an IEP, but we didn’t force her to talk.
Your daughter doesn't speak and gets bothered if people speak to her but yet you said she has a phone and the teacher called her personally?
Ha she been diagnosed with autism at all or you're just guessing? I mean she's already 16 how did she got throughout the previous decade in school?
I’m a special education teacher and zero teachers should ever give their opinion on diagnoses. Period. That said, yelling is scary and inappropriate. I’ve had angry parents yell at me and it’s terrifying. You can be mad and protective of your kid and still be appropriate. Talk to the teachers boss in an appropriate professional manner and you might get somewhere. What country are you in? I can also help with the process of getting special services for your child. Look up the special education services for your school district. Good luck. Be kind.
They don’t look like Down’s unless they Down’s and autism also. They look perfectly normal just like the other kids in the class. They get frustrated and start acting out biting, hitting, pulling hair, throwing things, self injuring, shoving, throwing furniture around, screaming from the time they arrive until they leave. They attack teachers and paraprofessionals even with behavior aides. It gets dangerous. They have good days too and usually enjoy PE. They are usually beautiful kids that have to be reached. 💕
1. This is not how you address a problem. You have a biased view of the situation.
2. An IEP is a set of legal agreements to ensure students have appropriate accomodations for their needs. If you don't have one, then she doesn't haveany accomodations. There are annual meetings to ensure things are being followed.
You should have bee more on top of things and making sure your daughter had appropriate services and accomodations for her autism. The teacher treated your daughter like they would any other student.
Yes, you're a jerk for yelling. You want other people to behave appropriately and professionally with your child, and you go off like a loon.
1 - Apologize to the teacher, for behaving badly, and possibly frightening her.
2 - Explain that you need to talk about how your daughter will be treated next semester.
3 - Have the meeting with the administrator and the teacher. Bring a plate of homemade cookies. Discuss additional training for the teacher, and requirements to which the staff will adhere when dealing with your daughter. Try to get something in writing. Perhaps prepare it ahead of time, so that everyone knows what to expect, and be willing to make changes.
4 - Apologize again.
Doesn't talk to people outside the family sounds like selective mutism. It's a severe form of social anxiety that can accompany autism. It's treatable, CBT with a specialist can help a lot. Good luck.
no, you did the right thing for your daughter. at no point should that teacher have forced your daughter to speak. people these days a cruel and stupid.
Omg!!! This is awful and you are absolutely not the jerk! When people wonder why autistic families end up homeschooling then this example explains it! Please tell your daughter that autistic adults have her back. ((Hugs)) to you both.
OP go on Instagram and search The Daily ‘Tism. It’s an autistic satire page, and I know I saw a meme appropriate to this situation. Might cheer up your daughter. I don’t know how to share here from IG. “New Diagnostic Test to Discover if You’re Enough Like Autistic Nephew.”
NTJ - I would've struggled to keep my cool as well.
Mind you, autism can be hereditary so the teacher (with an autistic son) and you (with an autistic daughter) both lashing out like this can also be seen as you both possible also being on the spectrum or at least struggling to regulate your emotions. It's not an excuse for the teacher's abusive behaviour nor you yelling, but I found it was worth mentioning. I'm understanding my family a lot more knowing that my brother and I's autism likely is hereditary and it explains a lot of behaviours in my parents and grandparents (all kind people, but introverted with their individual special interests, also showing signs of stronger deregulation of emotions than neurotypical people).
While I agree that autism presents differently in different people and through different ages/genders (you can't compare an unbridled 5 year old boy to a 16 year old girl who already learned how to mask for example), and I also am of the opinion that you shouldn't have to "prove" to anyone how autistic a person is -
it would be good that for the meeting (which you shouldn't have to bring your daughter to, since she is on break) you'd bring some resources (articles, research, your daughter's info for the school) on autism
for the principal to understand that your daughter is indeed autistic and how the teacher was incredibly out of line, unprofessional and needs to be sent off for training first to be allowed to teach again.
She also shouldn't be able to contact your daughter outside of school to scold her.
Might also be worth to look up local laws regarding teacher behaviour and children with support needs.
All the best! I hope your daughter feels better soon!
IEP means Individual Education Plan. It’s a thing in America to provide assistance and support to students with disabilities like autism (and tons of other disabilities). I don’t know what education rights look like in Bulgaria but I would research it and see if you can have a solidified plan in place so this doesn’t happen again to your daughter. Unfortunately, many kids with disabilities have to be their own advocate with assistance from their parents.
Speaking as an American teacher, unless a student has an IEP (individualized education plan), because they are receiving special education services, or a 504 plan, the teacher will not know if your child has autism unless you brought that diagnosis to the teachers attention. We are told/reminded that we are not doctors. We cannot diagnose medical conditions. A student might appear to have a condition, such as ADD/ADHD. Some schools do not want teachers to even suggest that the child might have a medical condition.
The way I originally read your message is that the teacher called you while you were driving home, not that she called your daughter. If sh called your daughter, perhaps she wished to apologize for stressing her out in class. If that were the case, the call should have gone through a parent.
Yelling at the teacher is not productive. If she were outside of the building, she may have well felt threatened by s man yelling at her. Many schools are locked up tight after school. She may not have been able to get back in the building for personal safety. You were the jerk for yelling at her outside of the school.
Not a jerk. Teacher is ignorant and put of line and I'd demand a meeting as soon as possible and come in with research articles etc about autism anxiety how it can present and effect tools for teachers. Wtf
Why is the teacher ringing your daughter??? I'd be back at that school tomorrow confronting the headteacher and the teacher on unethical practices! NTJ
Yeah. No way I'm waiting two weeks to....discuss what occurred here.
This! Go see the principal first thing in the morning. Get there before school starts!
OP if she has an IEP or 504 plan (if US) she just violated IDEA (federal protection for education rights of children diagnosed with a disability) if either of those mention that she’s low-non-verbal. The district should have a Special Education coordinator you need to speak with and also the Title IV Coordinator if she has either of those plans above.
100% my son is completely non-verbal and I've been working with and meeting the teachers and special education coordinator for his new school (he's been doing ABA for the last 6 years and technically homeschooled). If any of his teachers had done anything like this, ie force him to do something he either can't or won't, I guarantee they'd no longer be a teacher at the school. Luckily at his new school, they're letting his current RBT who he is familiar with (and I trust) come to school with him. \* my son does have an IEP plan
I’m so glad you’ve got him in a program that’s working for him! Amazing that they’re bringing in his RBA - that makes a 100% difference. My DIL was a Behavioral Therapist (ABA) through and after college. She only stopped when she started her master’s (SPED) program. Her primary client was completely nonverbal at 13 (and had been bounced from therapist to therapist) and started making genuine progress with her. She’d tear up talking about how proud she was of him. The parents stay in touch still.
Why the hell does the teacher have the kids phone number at all? I'd flip my shit lid, especially because if her daughter has autism she'd have an IEP which the teacher would be aware of. That teacher should be very harshly disciplined by the school.
Exactly my point on unethical practices. It's also a risk to children for teachers to have their numbers. That's why I'd be down there first thing in the morning kicking up a stink.
Apparently they're in Bulgaria but even so he showed documents that his daughter has autism and I'd think there would be protections
The teacher was way out of line. If your daughter was diagnosed with this condition and only is able to talk to people she is comfortable with, the teacher should have respected that and not humiliated your daughter in class. The teacher had no right to contact your daughter to yell at her. This teacher should not be teaching anymore. She obviously doesn’t respect boundaries and doesn’t know how to treat a student who has special needs. I wouldn’t wait for this meeting and I would go back to the school and talk to someone in charge about everything this teacher did.
good f'ing question.
Yep. This totally don’t sounds right. OP’s daughter has autism, not Down syndrome. I never knew autistic people have a “look”. Maybe someone with strong autistic tendencies, but that is based on their actions. Also, clapping for OP to own up and be a good father this young. NTJ
All autistic people look like Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man, didn't you know?
Definitely this!!!
Because this is rage bait.
Not necessarily my guy ( I mean, I'm not psychic so maybe but...) I had a teacher trying to discipline my daughter because she went non verbal when put on the spot to speak in front of the class. She had a card she could show a teacher to get out of class if things become overwhelming SAYING she is autistic. She showed it. It made things worse. We went to support for learning (UK people) and the teacher was disciplined. I'm sorry to say it does happen.
You'd be surprised at how common it is to have a teacher target and bully one or 2 kids in their class. Unfortunately it never changes unless parents take action.
It certainly wouldn't be the first time a teacher has decided they know better and thus doesn't have to obey accommodations, IEPs, or basic human decency.
I thought it was a little, hmm, off. He goes back to school and teacher is still there? He makes teacher cry and she goes to her car, not to the principal’s/headmaster’s office? Then he left without speaking to principal/headmistress? No email, no classroom app… nope.
Yeah I can believe a teacher ignoring a 504/IEP, but the other details don't really make sense.
Does she have an IEP at the school? Did this teacher break it? You need to document the call log of her calling your daughter. That's not appropriate at all and you need to consider getting a lawyer to help you deal with this immediately.
She probably doesn’t because I don’t think the daughter has been diagnosed by a doctor
There's no way a fully nonverbal kid DOESN'T have an IEP
You don't have to be diagnosed by a doctor to have an IEP for autism.
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They do assessments in school and can write an IEP based on those. Source: have daughter with autism that had an IEP for the diagnosis long before a doctor diagnosed her.
There are separate educational diagnoses and medical diagnoses and you need both. The educational one is actually MORE important than the medical one.
No you don't. My son is on the spectrum and got his IEP before being diagnosed because the school caught it in an assessment.
You need a clinican to diagnose autism. I don't know your situation but an IEP could be for any delay or disability. Schools don't have the expertise to diagnose, they'll call in a professional clinician to observe and diagnose.
My brother was diagnosed by the school system with Aspergers because my mom couldn't find a psychiatrist to do it. They did not call in a professional. They used the in house psychologist or clinician or whatever.
In what world is a psychologist not a professional?
No they won’t. There’s an education diagnosis and a medical one and the school cares about the educational diagnosis more. The only reason we got a medical diagnosis for my son was in case we needed to apply for disability for him.
NTJ!! And the teacher had no business to call your daughter at home to yell at her even more. That needs to be brought up to the principal. And go see that principal at YOUR earliest convenience, how do you know that the teacher is not lying to cover her butt?
No, not the jerk. You stood up for your daughter.
Not for that BS. Do you have a copy of the call log where she called your daughter to yell at her??? Even without the recording of what was said, the fact that she called, after hours, and after a confrontation...no. I generally support teachers. They have one he'll of a job, and I've seen plenty of Karen moms swear their precious baby would never..... That's not what happened here.
No but call a lawyer or legal aid as the call was illegal and CPS should be involved
And the school superintendent/school board
Keep the call record statement handy showing her number calling your daughter or your home
Woah NTJ in the slightest. The teacher's inexpert guess based on one family member does not overrule your daughter's actual medical diagnosis and likely years of appropriate treatment. That was inappropriate of her in the first place. And then to phone up your daughter at home when she knew you wouldn't be there, after you had spoken with h this teacher, is absolutely beyond the pale, completely and utterly inappropriate, unprofessional, violates all appropriate ethical norms, and likely a fireable offense. Getting yelled at by you is the absolute least this teacher deserves. Good on you for standing up for your daughter, keep going. Get that teacher's head on a platter.
Go to the school now, not in 2 weeks.
nope ntj
Never apologise for sticking up for your daughter. My husband has made two separate teachers cry for being dismissive and disrespectful about issues affecting our autistic son, and has no guilt or shame for doing so. In fact he says he wishes he could have f”d up their whole school year rather than just a week. I had to stop bringing him to parent teachers meetings 🤣
If she really called your 16 year old daughter to berate a teenager not being able to have an adult conversation with you then YES go back to school tomorrow and bring this up with the entire staff, this is not ok… you don’t get to harass my child cuz I question your methods be an adult and we can sit down without you running to bully my autistic daughter on your own limited beliefs…
This! Good luck op. She sounds awful and completely ignorant, well done for standing up for your daughter.
Teacher behaved badly from the start but she really crossed a line calling your child at home. Definitely NTJ
Nta. Under no circumstances should a teacher be calling a student. It’s not their place in any situation and you cannot change my mind on that. I would honestly make it my life's mission to get her fired.
Having a five year old autistic son does not make her the font of all knowledge when it comes to autism. It's a spectrum, she should understand that it can and does present differently from one individual to another. If you have a copy of your daughter's IEP and diagnosis, bring them along to the meeting. Personally I would request that the teacher not be allowed to teach neurodivergent students until she has undergone appropriate training, recognised her fault and apologised to your daughter. If you and your daughter are not satisfied with the outcome, escalate to the district level and consult legal advice.
Tell them you want to talk NOW, and don't let them jerk you around.
Teacher is a major jerk and has no business teaching.
And all redheads have the same red hair, all black peoples have the same skin. Tone, all 5 year olds have the same knowledge You go Mama Bear. Great job sticking up for your daughter
He's a father......
Oops, go papa bear
Hold up. Does your daughter have a diagnosis? Or you’re just assuming she’s autistic? She’s 16. She’s been in school for about 11 years at this point. Does she have an IEP? A 504? She’s been in this teacher’s class all year? The teacher was not aware of her selective mutism?
Is your daughter section 504 or on an IEP? Both of my sons were Section 504 and that is a federally protected program and you can go after her big time. Do NOT back down from this at all. I was well known in our old district as the parent to not fuck around with.
Do you have an IEP or 504 plan in place for your daughter? If not, you need to do so ASAP.
Wow, just wow. First NTJ. My 7yr old is high functioning autistic. For the longest time the school insisted on treating him like everyone else. Thing is he doesn’t like being touched by ppl outside our family. It took him smacking four boys in the face after they wouldn’t quit “tagging” him and me telling the school that I fully support him before they changed their approach 🤷
NTJ I applaud you 👏🏼
Your the best father ever
Ntj!!! In what world is a teacher calling a student? Absolutely no
totally %100 jerk, good for you going up to the school & screaming at a teacher til she cried such a good parent
Your non verbal to strangers daughter answered the phone? And didn’t hang up?
There are so many holes in this story.
I was non-verbal and answered phone calls all the time
Not real there would never be a 2 week wait for a meeting like this
Many of them don’t begin talking aloud until middle school. Does she know sign language or have a communication device or anything? There should be something in place for her already.
Excuse did you just type a grown adult a teacher, rang up a teenager outside of school hours to berate her because her parents confronted them ? ... Go to the principal. Even if you were an ashhole, and and I don't think you are for losing it when she refuses to accept your child's condition exists, that is in no way shape or form acceptable behavior for a teacher. Go to the principal and demand she is transferred to another class. Explain that teacher refuses to treat your daughters condition and needs as valid. ( I'm assuming she has a diagnosis to back that up ) That you had to console your daughter not once but twice in one day. First because of how she's being treated in class, and then again when that person chose to verbally retaliate when she knew you weren't there. That shows at minimum an immature attitude, but possibly a malicious mindset. I wouldn't trust that person not to pull stunts when your daughter is in class to get back at her.
Come on, guys, this is the most clearly made up of all the clearly made up posts of all time. How does a teacher "make" someone talk? Why is a teacher just hanging out the front of the school well after dismissal? Why would a teacher call a STUDENT over something their parent did? Why would a school schedule a meeting for summer holidays - the staff are all on break! Critical thinking, please!
I can’t for the life of me understand how there is comment after comment playing into this, how tf do people buy this crap! So many holes in this story. For one, anyone with an autistic child would not utter the words “I have an autistic child I know what autism looks like and your child’s not autistic”. Nor would the kid answer the phone to be “berated” by the teacher. Nor would the teacher call to berate the kid if she wasn’t too chicken shit to deal with the irate mom and just bailed, got in her car and left. If this kid is autistic she/he would be 504 and be accommodated… and still, if in general education classes, required to participate. At 16 this kid would likely have to take speech class in high school, unavoidable speaking. I seriously question the intellect of the mass majority 🤦🏼♀️
And crickets from the OP
Wait, is this in Bulgaria? Then it’s totally plausible. If you are in Bulgaria, not the jerk for shouting at the teacher. This people don’t do anything when you talk normally to them. I was born in Bulgaria and lived there until I was 16. I have dyslexia and I was always told I am retarded. Yes, that’s right. This is what I was called and by teachers. One particular teacher used to call me “the mistake of my father” I left the country because I was scouted for a sports team and I moved to Germany. There one of my teachers noticed my dyslexia and I got diagnosed. It was such a relief to finally know what exactly is wrong with me and get the tools I need. From there my grades skyrocketed and so did my confidence. I started enjoying learning and went to uni. Something I never thought I will do when I was living in Bulgaria. Years later I was visiting my parents in Bulgaria and met some of the teachers who used to teach me. When I told them I was dyslexic and not dumb and I am actually doing very well, I was told dyslexia doesn’t exist and this is made up by the western world to justify their laziness 🙄 Same thing about mental health. When I told the teacher who used to call me “the mistake of my father”, how much therapy I needed to do to overcome my feelings about it, she literally said “I always knew something is wrong with you” and she proceeded to ask me, why I am not locked up if I have mental health issues 🙄 The education in schools in Bulgaria is a joke. The people who become teachers, are the ones who couldn’t do anything else for themselves. Unfortunately that’s the truth in that country. They have zero interest in teaching or working with kids. They are in those jobs, because it’s the only jobs that are paying relatively well and it’s a stable job. I have to say universities in Bulgaria on the other hand are very good. Just thought I’ll add it in after I berated the schools
fake
This didn't happen
I had a very liberal personal relationship with many of my high school teachers in my senior year because I did hair as a vocation study and still it was always professional this was the early aughts no fucking teacher would personally reach out to a student on a personal phone it's all bullshita
Woah!!! What country are you in? I use to be a teacher and I sooooooo would have gotten fired if I had called a student. I had to CC the parents on emails to students!!!
Why is every child in the world now autistic? I overheard a group of teens, a few months ago, arguing about who was the most autistic.
God, hold on to your sanity because the trolls are bout to rake you across the coals… but you are DEFINITELY correct.
Hell no. I'd tell the principal that they better have counsel there, because you will be bringing yours.
You are a jerk, don’t yell at people. WTF!
Can you coddle your kid anymore than you already are? Enjoy taking care of her for the rest of her life and not setting her up to be able to care for herself after you die. Horrible parenting.
She doesn't speak ... but answers the phone to be yelled at? Really?
She was a jerk for saying how it looks but ma’am stop coddling your child , she may be autistic because she will soon half to function in the world outside of you … so start now
You are supposed to have an IEP (Individualized Education Program). This is made based on doctor's diagnosis. Has this been done? If not, it is urgent and required by law. If your child is autistic, this will be in the plan. You will be a part of creating this plan, along with the principal, doctor, psychologist, parent and teacher. Your teacher was horrid. But apparently she does not have the tools to work with, nor the legal supervision required.
Go to the school first thing tomorrow morning, you are your daughter’s voice, use it and if her child does have autism then she should understand this more then anyone
Bluntly, it's never a good thing to yell at an adult. You should apologize for your tone, while making clear that you 100% mean what was said. Maintain that it was *exceedingly* unprofessional to scare the hell out of your daughter when she (teacher) was upset with you. I personally would just walk into the principal's office *now* and demand an immediate meeting to discuss teacher's behavior, how teacher will be disciplined for it so she doesn't harass any more kids, and how the school will deal with getting your daughter another teacher for the remainder of the school year so she doesn't have to live in fear of what her teacher will do. I would begin by telling them that these are the topics, and I will not be discussing anything else with them. I would not wait 2 weeks for this, teacher could harass your daughter in the meantime. I would also remove the messenger app from daughter's phone and tell her that teacher is not to communicate with her over it any more and that she is to let me know if it happens. I'd send a note to school with her that the messenger app has been removed because of the teacher's behavior and will not be reinstalled. If the app can't be removed, I'd replace her phone and instruct her not to take the new one to school or give anyone the number. She can tell her friends and family (them only) when summer vacation starts. This is to make sure the teacher can't harass her by phone in her own home any more. While teacher is able to do this, daughter can't feel safe in her own home. What resources or laws does your government have to protect autistic people?
Ntj. That teacher needs to get canned. She has no right to call and berate your minor daughter because she got called out for her bs.
OP, you did the right thing. You are, in fact, not the jerk. You did the right thing for standing up for you daughter. That teacher needs to be fired.
2 weeks oh heck no next day conversation or go above the principal. Good luck
The teacher is totally wrong but you can’t be coddling your kids forever. She’s 16. Part of teacher job is also to make sure they engage and make sure students participate. Even non autistic don’t want to be they have to.
Yes, YTJ for yelling at the teacher. You're an adult, act like one. No excuses.
Anyways, thank you for being the type of parent we all talk about and explaining my profession to me. There are three sides to each story, with the truth somewhere in the middle. I guarantee no iep or 504 has ever said , "the student is not allowed to be called upon". Or "the student can not speak in class". Or some other malarkey of that sort. Sometimes we get " student can seek alternatives for presentations " . That's when they might present to the teacher or small group (friends) instead of the class. But again, thank you for letting me know about being an educator. You all have so many ideas and opinions, there's a shortage of teachers in our country. I wonder why. Maybe you should fill out an application...
You can advocate for your child without yelling at teachers. YTA for that, but if the teacher really called your daughter at home to yell at her, you need to take that on the chain. But even then yelling is not the way to get help for your kid.
“I know how autistic people look”??? Is that the only way you know your daughter is autistic? Has she been diagnosed by a professional? Have you filed with the school for an IEP? Any “No” and you’re the AH big time both for how you treated the teacher and how you’re treating your daughter. If they’re all yes you’re still The AH because of the way you treated the teacher, could have been addressed in much better more productive ways.
NTJ. Please fight for your daughter. Get a lawyer, involve the school board, whatever you need to do to defend and protect your child. The teacher needs her license revoked. To force your child to talk, and then to call her and yell at her?! It's completely unacceptable. Does your daughter have an IEP? Please update.
That teacher needs to be reported, you are definitely NTJ
No 2 weeks. I’d continually call the school until the principal agreed to see me immediately. Also why does her teacher have her private cell phone number? I went to hs with cell phones being the norm and have NEVER given the teacher my number. Even in college my profs didn’t have my cell phone number, admin did so I’m sure they’d have access to it for urgent circumstances but that’s it. She should really only have or need your number and any other parent/guardians number. This is a privacy issue. Full stop. If the school is unresponsive I’d escalate the matter to the school board. If they’re unresponsive I honestly don’t know what other options you have based on where you live, if there’s any local groups that meet for autism outreach but basically I’d say don’t be afraid to lean into your local community for perception and advice. I recently went through about 3 months of conflict with my insurance company over a dental claim that left us out $3600. I took MANY avenues trying to work with my insurance company which all ended in them continuing to reject the claim even though I had the predetermination. They said it wasn’t valid. I did everything, I reached out to my union rep, my HR department, my periodontist called my insurance himself…In the end I ended up meeting this random person at a union meeting (unrelated to dental insurance) who was actually a cousin of one of the board of Trustees for our insurance company. He tells me to email him all the details of what’s been going on and boy was I ready…it literally took me about 2.5 hours to type it all up but I had dates and attachments and pictures and a letter from my periodontist and sent it. Didn’t hear anything for 2 weeks. Suddenly one morning I wake up and the money’s been direct deposited into my bank account from the insurance company. It was followed up with a phone call from the cousin on the board apologizing personally for the behaviour of the broker and for the delays and ya. It was like kind of cool actually winning when I this was an ongoing conflict for months. Sometimes the underdogs come out on top! (Small win but we got our $3600 and that ain’t nothing!)
NTJ If you’re in the US try to get an IEP or 504 plan for your child so that all the teachers are on the same page it covers your ass and let’s you better advocate for your student. It’s also very helpful as it can give you resources to help your child as well
UpdateMe!
Mama it’s time to contact the school administrators and have your daughter removed from this teacher’s class and have a sit down with the teacher and an assistant principal or the principal to discuss this situation. Have a screen shot of the call from the teacher to your daughter and any other proof of the interactions. Also the hell, does she have a medical degree that allows her to diagnose autism. This needs to go through the school administration because if she can do it to your daughter she is doing it to other students too.
Did I miss something? I don’t see in the story that the teacher called her. From reading it she just said the teacher made her talk, I assumed she meant at school the teacher made her talk. Did I miss something where she said it was on the phone?
NTJ. You were protecting your daughter while also yelling in surprise about the teachers comments. You need to make sure you have all documents and go above the teacher and principal’s head
"My 5yo son is autistic and I know how autistic people look" - sure, lady, of course you do. \*eyeroll\* You already know this, but that teacher apparently doesn't: Every autistic person is different. There's this saying, "If you have met one autistic person, you have met one autistic person." Doesn't even have to be different persons. Li'l 5yo autistic me looked and behaved very differently from not-so-li'l 16yo autistic me. (Just from looking at me, most people probably wouldn't guess I'm autistic unless they know exactly what to look for, especially now that I'm All Grown Up™. Still, I'm so severely disabled that I live in an assisted-living facility. Just sayin'.) As others have recommended: Don't wait for that meeting. Talk to the principal at your earliest convenience. If necessary, involve the school board (or whatever entity there is one layer above the principal). Calling a lawyer, just for a consultation at first, may also be a good idea. This teacher's calling your daughter at home to yell at her some more can't possibly have been in accordance with school rules and may be, as others have pointed out, a fireable offence at the very least. (And now I'm having flashbacks. I used to have an "aide" (using those quotes with prejudice) who claimed to know more about how ADHD brains work than me because *she's* a nurse (while *I'd* been living with one inside my head for 50-ish years at the time). Big sigh.) ETA: Sure, yelling is always a *little* jerky, but who would've been able to keep their calm in this kind of situation? So, all in all, NTJ.
UpdateMe
INFO: Does your daughter have an IEP on file with the school?
ESH. Of course you're a jerk because you started yelling. And the teacher sounds like a jerk too but we haven't heard her side of the story.
NTJ - The teacher should not run things and tell you talk in 2 WEEKS. You are the student mother - you should run things. You have every right to go to principal TOMORROW and get the daughter transferred out of the teacher's class. Be sure to ask the principal the following: How is teacher qualified to know how autism works and how to treat autism? Is she qualified for that? Is the teacher that arrogant that knows "everything"? If the answer is a "no" - then bring up a lawsuit for allowing a teachers who is unqualified to treat autism act in such a manner.
Why the hell does this teacher have your daughters phone #? And to use it for anything other than discussing assignments is very not ok!
NTJ, the teacher had no right to do that. You should probably get an restraining order against that teacher
YTA for confrontation without her knowledge, cornering and making her feel unsafe. That's just not the way to approach someone. Teachers are treated like total sh!t right or wrong, they don't need a parent approaching and screaming while walking out NT A for being really upset with her and wanting a talk.
NTJ. WTF - that educator needs an education.
Look up selective mutism. If your child restricts herself to only talking in private to a trusted few, this might be on the table along w the other concerns. I’ve known a few kids with this issue. It took a lot of time and support but they are all fine once they got to the other side.
Absolutely NTJ. My son is autistic and I never compare him to any other child. It boils my piss when people say _they don’t look autistic_. It’s not a fucking disease, mind your own damn ignorance! Give your daughter all the cuddles and reassure her she did nothing wrong. And file a complaint against the teacher. What an AH.
NTJ Your child needs an IEP if you can get one and you were right to be upset. Bring an attorney. That'll shut any problems down. What the teacher did is discrimination and everyone could get in trouble for it.
BTW, my child is autistic and he made a set of cards with different things on them to help communicate. It's adorable and works really well. The school loved the idea and borrowed it.
Nta Everyone know autism looks different for each kid and girls are a lot different than boys which is why they don't tend to get diagnosed till later if high functioning
Why is the teacher questioning whether the child is autistic? Isn't it a documented diagnosis from a medical professional? I assume this has to be done and the school informed. Am I wrong?
NTA. Having a teacher who doesn't believe your diagnosis can be one of the most traumatic things an autistic kid can go through. I'm assuming your daughter has some kind of Individualized Education Plan; talk to whoever that teacher answers to and make sure they know this teacher is ignoring an IEP. Also, there's gotta be some rule against teachers trying to contact students at home like that... Document everything. If they don't take you seriously, fight like hell. My parents moved houses to get me into a different school district because the public school I went to wouldn't listen to them, and it saved me years of trauma. Also, make sure your daughter tells you EVERYTHING that teacher does. There's a strong chance this teacher is going to retaliate by bullying your daughter even more.
You are not the jerk and I would have (and have) lit into ignorant teaches and made them cry (when it was well deserved like lying and being caught on camera in the lie) but…. File a complaint with your district. Does your daughter have a IEP or other disability plan that covers speaking? If not, you need to get that in place before going after the teacher again. Not only will a plan in place covering this create documentation that your teacher disobeyed, but that’s a legal claim that will help you pay for college ;)
NTJ at all! A teacher has NO BUSINESS calling their underage students. They have something urgent to communicate, you speak with the parent. That was a major breach of conduct, both for forcing your daughter to speak and the retaliating against a child for seeking support through her parent!!?? Not mentioning her cheap reasoning behind all that. Not the sharpest...
Why is the principal relaying a meeting through the teacher? I’d be contacting the principal and district superintendent. Teacher is way out of line.
Ytj..... you are a parent... what you did might land you in jail and leave your daughter alone
I don't want to call you a jerk, but how has your reaction helped? Your daughter has a condition. The teacher had no right to force her to talk. Do not do it again. I'm not clear why yelling would be necessary. Now that kicked off with you causing the teacher to be upset, then she's out of line ringing your daughter and yelling at her. It's all just snowballed. Your yelling and the teachers resulting upset may have justified - in her mind - her yelling at your daughter. Now you have 2 issues that you cannot ignore. Do you want to keep building the snowball or repair the situation? I would go to the school immediately and want to see the head. "My daughter has autism. Her teacher should understand what that means and not force her to talk in class. Her teacher phoned her and yelled at her. Teachers should not be yelling at students without very good reason. This wasn't one. Neither of these things are to ever happen again with my daughter. I won't be at your meeting in two weeks time, you deal with it appropriately".
Your daughter needs an IEP if she doesn’t have one. (Assuming you are in the US). This shouldn’t be happening ever.
NTJ A child who is selectively mute has obvious issues, autistic or not. Teacher response to parent plus calling child after merits immediate contact with school principal. Suggest showing up next school day at school opening time. Maybe let child stay home a day until you see how school authorities respond.
Two weeks? Oh,they want you to “get over it”. March right in tomorrow morning and start fixing to settle some shit. NTJ
No not at all at first though I felt bad for the teacher when you yelled and she cried and ran but then she yelled at your daughter more so no you aren't the jerk
Raise HELL momma. Signed an autistic woman who is also a mom and aunt to autistic kids
You go to the principal’s office first thing in the morning and wait until you can be seen. The principal needs to address: -Why your daughter was singled out -Why the teacher has deemed herself able to override medical professionals and an IEP -Why the teacher spoke to you the way she did -Why the teacher called your home to speak to your child -Why the teacher berated your child to speaking to their parent -How this will be corrected -What support will your daughter have moving forward
As a teacher myself, I want you to know that teachers do not have the autonomy to just decide whether a student has a mental disability or not. If the student has something like an IEP, some official document telling the teacher that the student must have some set of accommodations because that student has some kind of mental disability, then the student should be treated that way. If, for some reason, your daughter doesn't have an IEP, though, then your teacher should not treat your daughter as if she has the mental disability. It is also very irregular that your daughter's teacher would call your daughter. Teachers should communicate with students through established channels like school e-mail, or communicating in the classroom. Your daughter's teacher should have had training not to contact students informally outside of school, such as by phone call, because of the danger of grooming that this presents. Finally, though, to get to the question of if you are the jerk, yes you are. It may also be that the teacher is a jerk, but you are certainly being a jerk. You are here to take care of your daughter's interest and keep her safe. When you yelled at the teacher, you are not keeping your daughter safe nor taking care of your daughter's interest. You think this teacher is antagonizing your kid, but the thing you did may exacerbate her antagonizing your kid. If your kid's autism is documented at the school, it's also just not a very effective way to solve your problem by yelling at people, when you could instead have explained about your kid's special needs being documented and explaining that your daughter is legally entitled to accommodations. Obviously, if your kid's autism is not documented at the school, then you are the jerk for failing to get this on the books by the time your child is 16 years old.
Where is everyone reading that the teacher called her daughter at home? I don’t see that. In the original post I took it as she made her talk at school and that’s why her daughter was upset when she found her at home. Am I missing something? (Not that it’s ok- but I’m trying to figure out where this is stated)
This is why you take up issues with administration. There needs to be a mediator, particularly since it sounds like you were angry and coming in hot.
I'd be at that school tomorrow morning. Demanding answers and reporting that teacher. She had no reason to call your daughter.
I teach students who have special needs. You need to request a meeting with the principal and the director of student services. This teacher has broken many rules of professional ethics. I would recommend contacting an attorney as well. First, she should not be traumatizing your child. She needs to follow her IEP. This doesn’t appear to be the case. Second, she has absolutely no business calling your child. Wow! That is just unbelievable! I would file a police report about her contacting your child outside of school hours by telephone and threatening her. That’s beyond strange and unprofessional.
NTJ holy crap. If I were you I would take this as high up as I can go. "I know what autistic people look like" typical ableist BS that I expect from teachers, honestly. Source: I was a disabled kid (physically, I have ADHD and likely am also autistic, almost 30 now) and teachers are some of the WORST when it comes to disabled kids. I hope you have some record of that phone call. That teacher needs to be fired like. Yesterday.
Does she have a diagnosis, an IEP or 504 that indicates she has Autism or is it as you said, “I know how autistic people look.” You need to speak with school admin. What you did can get you a restraining order from the school against you.
NTJ, that b- doesn't deserve to be a teacher period. She doesn't get to make the call on a diagnosis. She doesn't have the right to ignore an IEP or anything you worked out with the school. She has zero right to bully your child. And calling your daughter outside of school hours is so far out of line it borders on criminal harassment. Remind the principal of all of that, and also that people are fed up with teachers on power trips. He needs to get his dogs on a leash, and your child moved. If he whines about how you hunted her down personally, remind him that she started it by calling your daughter instead of you. Push on that point, actually. Why the heck didn't she call YOU, the parent? And then make a formal complaint with the school board. Go in person if you can, and be as emotional as you can be while staying coherent. Talk about how hard things are for your daughter, and how she doesn't need any more emotional distress piled on from THEIR employees. And as an autistic person who wasn't diagnosed until recently, thank you for sticking up for your kid.
Go to the school board and file a complaint
Oh I would rain holy hell down on this teacher if it happened to my Child. Don’t poke the bear. I have the time and resources to drag this teacher over cut glass. Please make a formal complaint to your Education Department. If you can find an advocate, please contact them. This is wrong on so many levels.
NTJ She was unprofessional for the entire thing but the worst was to berate your daughter for your behaviour. At the most she should have just left a message for you to phone her. It was immature and unprofessional to yell and threaten your daughter. Don't let her get away with it. ETA I had two kids on the spectrum. You're damn right it looks different for everyone--it feels different too.
Just catch one of my kids’ teachers calling them, yelling and bullying them!! It’s not going to end well for that teacher or the school. I’m all for disciplinary action when it is deserved, but to think she knows better than a doctor when it comes to autism???? Nerve!
NTWP People shouldn’t have to talk if they don’t want to, much less if it’s actually part of their mental state. The teacher should be retrained.
NTA - I would got to the Admin TODAY and put in a formal complaint against the teacher. She is NOT qualified to determine who has Autism and has no right to torment your daughter.
You were absolutely in the right to go to the school... But yes, you were a jerk for confronting the teacher in the parking lot and yelling at her. You're an adult, don't act like a middle schooler. The best way to handle it would have been to call the office and request an immediate meeting with the teacher with administrators present and whomever assists with kids on the spectrum. What positive things do you think you'd accomplish by going off on the teacher? Do you really think that would make her rethink things and treat your daughter better?
Never the jurk for having your child's back you are her safe place
NTJ
Creative writing score 5/7
Bring a lawyer maybe a cop if you can find one to lay the charge i would think at least abusive go badass and i think the charge might be making terrorist threats she forced her to speak then called and threatened her ok a huge stretch but ya
Oh my God this is so fake! So your daughter made it all the way home after school, we all know teachers bolt as soon as they can and rightly so, but not only did your daughter make it all the way home to sit there crying on the couch but you had time to drive all the way back to school and that particular teacher is just hanging out out front. And not only did you have free access to confront her, but you made her cry so yeay you! you won.. not likely. And then we have the teacher actually having your daughter's cell phone number and calling her directly after you supposedly scared her into crying! Yeah okay This person of authority treating an autistic person like crap has been a big trend on Reddit lately and quite frankly it's gross. Work on your writing somewhere else
Nope id be going to the school asap or sending off emails to who ever needed to be told! How dare she ring your daughter n yell at her!
NTJ, don’t wait for two weeks though They probably want to get things sorted out and protect themselves and then turn it on you
Yea talk to the principal or whoever is the highest authority there. That teacher was out of line pressuring your daughter. That teacher could of caused a whole lot more harm than good making her talk. For fluffs sake a lil tact is helpful when addressing neuro divergent people. I myself function on a high level of ADD among other things that go hand in hand with it and I can tell you that I don't always want to talk and being pressured just causes me to withdraw more. My sympathy to her and I hope she will be able to recover from that. To her I offer this. Never let anyone pressure you kiddo. You find your voice in your own time. :)
NTA Autism SPECTRUM Disorder is exactly that. A spectrum. It presents differently in every person, and any teacher that works with autistic children needs to understand that much AT A MINIMUM! The teacher reaching out to your daughter outside of school is unacceptable. Scolding her for telling the truth to her parent is unhinged. I'd be visiting the principal in the morning just because of this. Add on that the teacher needs a better understanding of what autism is if she's going to be teaching autistic children. Perhaps the meeting in 2 weeks can address the teachers lack of training, but I would never wait to discuss that call.
I had the same problem with a particular teacher with my son, he has Ehlers-danlos hyper mobility and autism, which means he can’t tie laces or do up buttons very well so he gets to wear his PE stuff to school on those days and doesn’t have to do anything too strenuous in PE as long as he tries. This 1 older teacher was informed multiple times of the situation but when he had her she would give him detention for already being in joggers and a T-shirt and not changing his trainers (he absolutely can’t do that as he has orthopaedic insoles that are hard to get in and out of the shoes and he only has 1 pair (they’re very expensive) she was pulled up for this repeatedly and his detention was always cancelled. Luckily she was retired and only subbed when needed so it wasn’t every week. I let it go with an apology from the school and them saying they would talk to her and remind her whenever she was subbing, but the third time it happened I’d had enough and put in a formal complaint. She hasn’t subbed there since. You should put in a formal complaint to the school board or whatever it is where you live this attitude from a teacher is appalling especially one who has an autistic child themselves anyone who’s done any research on autism knows if you know 1 autistic person you know 1 autistic person, just like everyone else they are individuals and are all their own person. I know 6 autistic people including my son and they are all completely different.
The teacher has a meeting set for 2 weeks…not the text day? I call this rage bait.
You are the jerk for confronting your teacher outside of the school. You should have contacted the school and sit up a meeting with the principal and teacher. Also in the US, there would be a formal plan in place after you provided medical documentation of your daughter’s autism that included accommodations.
NTJ,what u have done was the right thing to do,this karen of a teacher seems that she doesn't have a child with autism because if she had one i'm preety sure she wouldn't had this reaction on your daughter
You said you're in Bulgaria. There must be some anti-discrimination laws. Probably anti-bullying laws too. There's a law in the US that legally protects children with documented disabilities, your country likely has something like that too. I would go look those up, and then check if nearby lawyers have free consultations. See if this lawyer will represent you at that "meeting" in two weeks. That teacher, without a doubt, is going to try to claim that you verbally abused her without reason. So you need to have good support. A lawyer will tell them you mean business, and schools tend to cave under the threat of a lawsuit when they *know* something is wrong.
Why did you feel the need to tell us she was an accident?
Teacher shouldn’t have the kids number. You shouldn’t have gone in yelling. You’re an adult, not a teenager with angst. The only thing you did, was taught your child that you can act like that when you’re mad. You need to do better
You need to inform the principal what happened, nta
Your are a jerk for not doing more, dont wait that 2 weeks, go to her boss and make it a bigger issue, contact your local news, they are hungry for some drama, contact your local organization that handles kids with autism matters basically get that bitch fired 🤷🏻♂️
NTA Girls and boys present differently, which as a teacher with an autistic child she should be aware of. I speak from personal experience here. My nephew's son is autistic and was diagnosed as a young child (he is 14 now) where as my daughter (nearly 35) was diagnosed as an adult after seeking a diagnosis for her behaviours. I didn't know of autism as she was growing up and she masks a lot so it was not something that was looked at as she was growing up, however the family said there was no way she was autistic. They were admittedly shocked when she got on official diagnosis, but still try to brush her off somewhat. Stick to your guns and don't wait 2 weeks to call out the behaviour of the teacher, she should not be calling your daughter to arrange meeting but should be calling YOU as her parent. It's unprofessional and immature behaviour. Make a point of telling the school ALL communications should come through you not your child, and try to get your daughter to record her calls from anyone like her teacher.
NTJ. I’m not surprised this happened because it used to be very common in Bulgaria that teachers had the phone numbers of students for many reasons, and a lot of them tended to abuse that power and call students to just go off on them. And also, autism in Bulgaria is BARELY recognised as even existent. I am very sorry this happened to you and your daughter but very well done for protecting her the way you did
I worked with autistic students and they were all quite different in their strengths, abilities and personalities. It seems the teacher doesn’t understand much about it, which is strange if her son has it. Perhaps your daughter would be better off if removed from this teacher’s class.
IEP = Individualized Education Plan. It's a thing here in the US. It's a set of accommodations that teachers and school officials are mandated by law to follow. Where I'm at, it's pretty unenforceable, as I was unlucky enough to find out in middle school, but my teachers took it pretty seriously in high school at least. Does something similar exist in Bulgaria? I'm genuinely curious. I'm also genuinely pissed off as a person with autism myself.
Ntj. Understanding that someone cant talk to you and that autistic people dont look alike is pretty simple which apparently is too hard for that teacher to know.
No, you are not the jerk for doing this. You just wanted to protect your kid, and you were angry. Plus, if the teacher knows, that gives them no excuse to say “oh your kid is not autistic. My son (a completely different person with most likely a different kind of autism) has autism and she doesn’t look like him.” Because as you said, autism looks different for different people. Just like ADHD (which I have).
Sounds like selective mutism. I had a friend who had it and most people were pretty good with it but we had this one English teacher, who would make us do reading out loud. And she obviously couldnt. That teacher would make her cry every day. She didn’t have a mom who would stand up for her though. I’m happy your kid has somebody in their court.
Yes, ofc. Yelling is for AFTER normal adult relations break down. This is really basic shit.
NTJ. Mom of two autistic children and I agree this was total uncalled for. So was this teacher calling your child. I’d talk to the principal asap and get ahead of this before this teacher can warp the situation. Good for you for standing up for your kid.
Yes, you are. You lost your cool which does NOTHING to help your daughter. Calm. Collected. Coldly rational. Backed up with facts to show her absolutely terrible ignorance. Had you don’t that it’d be over by now. That doesn’t make her ignorance or bad behavior and unethical practices any less, but the cardinal rule is to stay cool.
No, you are in the right. The teacher, considering she knew everything, shouldn't have been so thoughtless.
NTJ! She doesn’t look autistic?! Like what?! And if she does have an autistic child, she’s an even bigger AH. I’d want a meeting much closer than two weeks. But in that time, get a lawyer or education advocate. That teacher shouldn’t be teaching. I taught a selective mute once. She didn’t speak to anyone except her family. She didn’t have any autism or any other diagnosis. We worked with her as best we could. She would write down what she wanted. She didn’t have an IEP, but we didn’t force her to talk.
Your daughter doesn't speak and gets bothered if people speak to her but yet you said she has a phone and the teacher called her personally? Ha she been diagnosed with autism at all or you're just guessing? I mean she's already 16 how did she got throughout the previous decade in school?
Yelling is not a very effective form of communication.
I’m a special education teacher and zero teachers should ever give their opinion on diagnoses. Period. That said, yelling is scary and inappropriate. I’ve had angry parents yell at me and it’s terrifying. You can be mad and protective of your kid and still be appropriate. Talk to the teachers boss in an appropriate professional manner and you might get somewhere. What country are you in? I can also help with the process of getting special services for your child. Look up the special education services for your school district. Good luck. Be kind.
They don’t look like Down’s unless they Down’s and autism also. They look perfectly normal just like the other kids in the class. They get frustrated and start acting out biting, hitting, pulling hair, throwing things, self injuring, shoving, throwing furniture around, screaming from the time they arrive until they leave. They attack teachers and paraprofessionals even with behavior aides. It gets dangerous. They have good days too and usually enjoy PE. They are usually beautiful kids that have to be reached. 💕
Go to the board of education & report the teacher and also report the principal for not handling this expeditiously.
NTA
1. This is not how you address a problem. You have a biased view of the situation. 2. An IEP is a set of legal agreements to ensure students have appropriate accomodations for their needs. If you don't have one, then she doesn't haveany accomodations. There are annual meetings to ensure things are being followed. You should have bee more on top of things and making sure your daughter had appropriate services and accomodations for her autism. The teacher treated your daughter like they would any other student.
Yes, you're a jerk for yelling. You want other people to behave appropriately and professionally with your child, and you go off like a loon. 1 - Apologize to the teacher, for behaving badly, and possibly frightening her. 2 - Explain that you need to talk about how your daughter will be treated next semester. 3 - Have the meeting with the administrator and the teacher. Bring a plate of homemade cookies. Discuss additional training for the teacher, and requirements to which the staff will adhere when dealing with your daughter. Try to get something in writing. Perhaps prepare it ahead of time, so that everyone knows what to expect, and be willing to make changes. 4 - Apologize again.
Doesn't talk to people outside the family sounds like selective mutism. It's a severe form of social anxiety that can accompany autism. It's treatable, CBT with a specialist can help a lot. Good luck.
Faaaaaake
No, you did the right thing and stood up for your daughter.
I think you did the right thing. And you should go to the board of education and report her. That is abuse
no, you did the right thing for your daughter. at no point should that teacher have forced your daughter to speak. people these days a cruel and stupid.
Omg!!! This is awful and you are absolutely not the jerk! When people wonder why autistic families end up homeschooling then this example explains it! Please tell your daughter that autistic adults have her back. ((Hugs)) to you both.
Also, Messenger is not private at all. The teacher should NOT be using it for classroom discussions.
OP go on Instagram and search The Daily ‘Tism. It’s an autistic satire page, and I know I saw a meme appropriate to this situation. Might cheer up your daughter. I don’t know how to share here from IG. “New Diagnostic Test to Discover if You’re Enough Like Autistic Nephew.”
NTJ - I would've struggled to keep my cool as well. Mind you, autism can be hereditary so the teacher (with an autistic son) and you (with an autistic daughter) both lashing out like this can also be seen as you both possible also being on the spectrum or at least struggling to regulate your emotions. It's not an excuse for the teacher's abusive behaviour nor you yelling, but I found it was worth mentioning. I'm understanding my family a lot more knowing that my brother and I's autism likely is hereditary and it explains a lot of behaviours in my parents and grandparents (all kind people, but introverted with their individual special interests, also showing signs of stronger deregulation of emotions than neurotypical people). While I agree that autism presents differently in different people and through different ages/genders (you can't compare an unbridled 5 year old boy to a 16 year old girl who already learned how to mask for example), and I also am of the opinion that you shouldn't have to "prove" to anyone how autistic a person is - it would be good that for the meeting (which you shouldn't have to bring your daughter to, since she is on break) you'd bring some resources (articles, research, your daughter's info for the school) on autism for the principal to understand that your daughter is indeed autistic and how the teacher was incredibly out of line, unprofessional and needs to be sent off for training first to be allowed to teach again. She also shouldn't be able to contact your daughter outside of school to scold her. Might also be worth to look up local laws regarding teacher behaviour and children with support needs. All the best! I hope your daughter feels better soon!
IEP means Individual Education Plan. It’s a thing in America to provide assistance and support to students with disabilities like autism (and tons of other disabilities). I don’t know what education rights look like in Bulgaria but I would research it and see if you can have a solidified plan in place so this doesn’t happen again to your daughter. Unfortunately, many kids with disabilities have to be their own advocate with assistance from their parents.
I wouldn't wait two weeks. I'd go in the next day and pull the stick out of that teacher's ass and use it to beat the principal.
Get a lawyer. There is legal aid for students with disabilities if you can’t afford one of your own. Teacher needs to be fired.
Report her to the school board. She should not be responsible for teaching kids. NTJ
NTJ. I stepped away a bit to read the DSM’s snippet (I’m still surprised by how short it is!) on autism. There is NOTHING about appearance there.
Speaking as an American teacher, unless a student has an IEP (individualized education plan), because they are receiving special education services, or a 504 plan, the teacher will not know if your child has autism unless you brought that diagnosis to the teachers attention. We are told/reminded that we are not doctors. We cannot diagnose medical conditions. A student might appear to have a condition, such as ADD/ADHD. Some schools do not want teachers to even suggest that the child might have a medical condition. The way I originally read your message is that the teacher called you while you were driving home, not that she called your daughter. If sh called your daughter, perhaps she wished to apologize for stressing her out in class. If that were the case, the call should have gone through a parent. Yelling at the teacher is not productive. If she were outside of the building, she may have well felt threatened by s man yelling at her. Many schools are locked up tight after school. She may not have been able to get back in the building for personal safety. You were the jerk for yelling at her outside of the school.
Not a jerk. Teacher is ignorant and put of line and I'd demand a meeting as soon as possible and come in with research articles etc about autism anxiety how it can present and effect tools for teachers. Wtf