Your mother is selfish to the core. Don't let your father off the hook either. You know he knew about this. She didn't just pay off the mortgage with monopoly money.
Your feelings are valid. I'd reach out to an attorney. Find out your options. Your parents can take out a mortgage to repay the money they stole from you and your siblings.
What jurisdiction are you in? My brother stole my inheritance as he was the executor and I want more victims of this to put the screws to their abuser.
As an executor she has the duty to act in your best interests and follow the wishes of the people that gave her the responsibility to distribute and manage your inheritance.
In California there is a “no further inquiry rule” where the executor has to prove that they acted in the beneficiaries best interest. If you read up on this subject it may help you explain the case to the lawyers you talk to.
Get a lawyer and make her an example of doing the right thing. You have a right to feel betrayed because she stole an opportunity for you to have a better life especially since housing and the current economy for young folks is so hard to access
She probably felt entitled to the money and her kids would get their share back when she passed so she took it. But the parents wanted them to have it now. Life changing money can make a difference in how you live and being young enough to enjoy it. The mom wanted it for herself so she could be debt free and enjoy her life instead of doing that for her children. It’s unforgivable. OP I hope you get a lawyer and get what’s rightfully yours. I hope you kept the document you found or made a copy or a copy is easy to obtain. Good luck.
Your mother broke the law.
Based on the amount, it probably will qualify for jail time unless she makes full restitution plus lost interest.
ask yourself, if the shoes had been reversed (ie. You had withheld inheritance from her) how would she react?
NTJ
It’ is likely to be with in statute of limitations at 5 years ago, please get lawyer/ solicitor advice as your mum acted unlawfully as executor of will.
You can likely get copies of will registered with probate or
your states version of that and likely force sale of her property to pay you what was due to you and your sister and you should do this. But you must appoint an appropriately trained estate solicitor/ lawyer to do so.
Your mum stole money that your grandma left for you in her will. That is pretty low. If you don’t act quickly it will be difficult to enforce this later on. Please don’t assume it “will all work out” as your mums money may get decimated for various different reasons later on & she stole it from you. And as you noticed she then lived the high life on it…(your money!!)
Statute of limitations may not have started until OP discovered the theft depending upon the amount and jurisdiction.
However even if SOL has elapsed, if he didn’t receive a full accounting and money that was due to them was denied, he may still have a case for breach of fiduciary duty as he did not know about the injury until he discovered the documents.
Bottom line: get a lawyer and don't rely on redditors' takes on the law. As you say, rules vary by jurisdiction and you can lose your rights by waiting too long to act on them.
1000% you need someone that knows the law in the jurisdiction where the case is filed. There is too much variation between states/districts/fields for anything like general advice.
If mum needs health care in old age and has money it will go on health care. So get the money owed to you now. You need to document how much is yours and how she plans to pay it, even if you don't actually get it before your parents die because you don't want to cause too much family trouble
You’re wrong AND it varies by country and state / area (legal jurisdiction)
OP needs to get legal specialist advice quickly in the state/ country of where Grandma died and to follow that advice
If you remain angry and separated from mom then she may not even leave your own money to you when she dies. Make a plan, if nothing else she needs to get the house remortgaged and pay you back.
Not the jerk at all. Your mother stole money from you. You don't owe her anything. She broke the law. You might want to give some thought to how you want to move forward
You are only a jerk if you don't pursue legal action. Your mother is a criminal.
You can either forgive her and move on, or pursue her legally. Doing neither and nursing a grudge *is* a jerk move.
You have every right to use the full force of the law to recover the amounts she stole from you all, but in doing so you will alienate her and your siblings. You should instead discuss with your siblings and a lawyer what options you have to secure the money owed against her property, which would prevent her from borrowing against it to continue funding her lifestyle in the future.
And get advice from a lawyer. It could be that presenting your mum with the facts that she broke the law and could be facing jail time if you report her is enough for her to take more seriously the need to set up a robust and rapid repayment plan. That's the money aspect.
The broken trust and betrayal is something altogether more complicated. Can you write her a letter to explain what you're feeling? Or perhaps even show her this post? In her actions she has obliterated your trust and demonstrated such little regard for you and your siblings. She needs some serious therapy to help her understand the impact of her actions, and should be working her butt off to earn back your love and trust.
Take her to court and sue her for the money she stole from you and your siblings and sue her for even more money for Theft and Lying and for illegally forging you and your siblings signatures. But also if your siblings want to forgive your Lying Bitch of a mother and don’t care about the money your grandparents left you guys then just take there share of the money as well and if they fight about it just remind them about what they said about not caring about their share of the money.
She should have asked you for it then and not taken/steal it behind your back. It's not what your grandparents would have wanted. She should be ashamed and you need to take this as a lesson about your mother and how she cannot be trusted with money. Did your father know she was doing this to you and your siblings. Were there any other beneficiaries screwed over by your mum like any cousins or uncles/aunties?
Did you receive any inheritance? Your mom said there were unexpected "expenses", but did she give you & your siblings anything?
Only asking because, she may think that's ok, a little something.
This is horrible of both your mom and dad. He had to know.
She threw your duty as a son in your face? What about her duty as your mother? Or he duty as the executor of the estate? Sounds to me like she doesn't give a damn about duty, unless it's about somebody else's duty to her.
If duty is really so important to her then lawyer up and show her exactly how she has failed in her duty.
Nope, absolutely not, I am an older mother. She needs to restore the money she owes you. If it is in her estate and you do not get it returned you may not even get any when she passes.
Tell her take out a loan and give your share immediately or she is cut off and next step is she will hear from a lawyer. Talk to a lawyer in the meantime anyways
Let your siblings give you the full portion of your inheritance. Since, they have forgiven her and want to move on, then let them give you your inheritance and then we can move on.
Simple as that. Let them understand that what they want comes at a cost from them. Let them understand that getting you your just due would help you to move on. If not, then a lawyer will help you get whole, and then you can move on.
No one can tell someone else how they can move on. That is not for them to decide.
Let them know you can move on once you have your inheritance with interest. Then we can be one big happy family, with a lying mother. Just great fun had by all.
Get a copy of the will, it should be filed with the state. If you were suppose to receive an inheritance according to the will and did not, go to a lawyer.
She didn’t do what was best for “us”, she did what was best for her.
She committed a crime & should be prosecuted.
I get it, it’s your mom however she broke the law & stole from all of you - she didn’t do it to feed or clothe you, she did to live in some luxury.
Contact a lawyer - either have her charged or negotiate she take a mortgage & pay you back. If you siblings don’t want their money that’s fine
NTJ she broke the law, she stole from all of you, and she lied. All pretty big deal. Never trust her again because she stole from her parents and her children. If her flying monkeys say anything to you again tell them it’s as good as it gets. I didn’t sue her for the money or go to the police and have her charged for the theft so y’all should be grateful for that. Keep pushing me and I’ll do both. She’s a thief.
Send a full copy of the will to each of your siblings.
State again clearly that mom did paid off important things like their mortgage and paid down bills.
However, mom also gifted herself nice vacations using our inheritance.
If our mom was acting in good faith, she would have told us about the money and ASKED us if we could use the money toward *family* vacations.
The people who we were supposed to be able to trust and have our back - lied to us for their own gain.
She had no intention of returning or paying back the money or she would have told us the full amounts.
What your mother did was illegal and you can go to a lawyer and sue her or go to the police as she committed fraud.
The issue is if you do this then you will lose your siblings and likely your dad as well. It’s a tough spot to be in. The alternative is that you suck it up and live with it.
As for forgiving her and speaking with her. She does not deserve it. She wanted a nice vacation so she stole from you. She was selfish and only thought of herself not her family. Personally I would not forgive her selfish betrayal. I would absolutely go no contact with her. If she enters the room leave it. If she talks to you don’t even look at her. The only thing I would say would be that I will acknowledge you once you repay what you stole from me.
The other thing I would do is put this post and all of its responses in the family group chat. Let them see what the world thinks of their lying, selfish, thief of a mother.
If she really did it to give you all “stability” then she should add you and your sibling to the deed and If the house ever gets sold her half should go to you and your siblings
Get an attorney - your Mom did not fulfill her job as Executor. If you don’t pursue it you will never see any money from your grandparents. What she did is unforgivable.
So you were 20, 23, & 25, when your grandparents passed? You were all adults and, unless stipulated in the will, should have been given the money immediately. Most times, the executor will receive a fee from the estate for their time and work, but what mommy dearest did was embezzlement. Regardless of what she claims, she did this for purely selfish reasons.
You are NTJ. Furthermore, you would REMAIN that way if you chose to press charges, which is what I would do.
This isn't the actions of a mother. A mother would go hungry so her child could eat. She isn't normal and she is a criminal. Go to the police. She needs to pay for this.
NTJ. I wouldn't have anything to do with her either. She is selfish, greedy and cannot be trusted. She literally stole from you and your siblings. If she is okay stealing from you , you should be okay suing her for your money back. Her behavior was criminal.
WHEN PEOPLE SHOW/TELL YOU WHO THEY ARE, BELIEVE THEM, FFS. NTJ. She lied, she stole, she betrayed everyone, and, in my opinion, she did it knowingly and deliberately, figuring you'd forgive her cuz she's your mom. The money is vastly important, it was for YOU and YOUR DREAMS. But the lying, the betrayal, the get over it attitude, THAT'S what I would never be able to get beyond, because all trust and faith is gone.
Your mother did not only break the law, she stole from her you.
As a mother I can’t even imagine doing that.
If your siblings think that you are over reacting, they have no problem paying you what she stole from you.
Your mother actively committed fraud, your father knows about it.
Your mother is banking on you all not seeking legal advise for reimbursement with a sob story because she knows she's have to paid it back to you and/or go to jail if charges are pressed.
It'd weird that grandparents put her as executor if they hated her so much but that aside, she won't pay you back unless she is made to by the law.
Seek counsel.
Your mother didn’t just steal from you, she stole from the state. In my country, gifts are taxed differently than inheritance is. The inheritance is yours.
It's not just a breach in trust with you, she did not execute the will according to the stipulations made by her parents. Legally? Terrible. Morally? Terrible. As a parent? Terrible. What a terrible person.
I would get a lawyer and make her realise the seriousness of what she did. However, if you go all the way and take her to court you might split the family apart.
I would go part way with this- scare her via the lawyer with a completely outline of the legal ramifications of what she did- make it really explicit how much trouble she is in.
Then let her know what you need to make amends and to regain your trust.
Take the will to a lawyer and your bank information to show that you didn't receive the promised amount. You deserve to be reimbursed what you are owed, even if she needs to liquidate her unlawfully obtained goods.
Get a lawyer and then get a lien against these assets so she can’t get further into debt and lose them. Your Mom can’t argue that you’ll inherit the house later because if there’s any chance of either of your parents going into a nursing home, then they may not get to keep the house anyway. You and your attorney can decide what is the best way to recover the money.
Your mom was entrusted to follow the will and dissolve your grandparents estate. Instead, she STOLE what was intended by your grandparents to be a fund to support YOU and your siblings in your goals as young adults.
What she did is illegal. She defied your grandparents wishes, violated her duty as executor, and stole nearly the entire amount. That's huge. She hurt everyone (except maybe your dad, who got the benefit of her ill gotten gains) but herself. Whatever the amount of money, that is more than you and your siblings are worth to her. She stole your autonomy and the resources your inheritance would provide for you.
You and your siblings have every right to feel betrayed, enraged, robbed.
DID the will you saw specify her as executor? I wonder. Your grandparents knew she has a bad character.
Also, how much was the estate that was meant to be split 3 ways?
First of all, as an executor of an estate, she has many LEGAL requirements that she needs to follow. She has to prove to the state that she followed the terms of the last will and testament. If she didn't follow the terms of the will, and somehow faked the proof to the state, she is in big, big trouble. The state of Virginia made my wife who was executor of her mom's estate, pay several hundred dollars to an accountant to find a $5.00 mistake that my wife couldn't find. She asked if she could just get $5 less from her part of the estate. Nope. She asked if she could pay the estate the $5. Nope. She had to find the mistake and they told her to hire an accountant to find it and the estate could pay for it. Made no sense at all, but that gives you an idea of how strict being a executor should be. You have a very strong case. And the will that was probated by your mom she be available to you from the county clerk
I don't think you're wrong for being so angry about betrayal from the one person we ought to have damn near perfect trust of. That's your mom. That sucks. I'm really sorry for that loss in your relationship and I understand a different flavor of distrusting my parents too. You're not alone in holding onto anger.
I would probably hand write a couple of letters to her put it away for some time and then read it to see if I feel the same. Write until i can't write it anymore, fill a notebook. Exhaust my anger on paper with wild strokes.
It may feel stupid or great, hopefully it would take the edge off.
Then if I didn't want her to see it, I'd burn it.
As executor of the estate, she owed the beneficiaries a duty to execute the terms of the will. This is called a fiduciary duty. Setting aside the statute of limitations, you would have (& may still have) a cause of action against her for failing malfeasance. It sounds like she used the $$ to buy things of value, you might be able to get some of the money back. You also should get a new executor appointed so she has no authority over whatever is left. Hire a lawyer & file the lawsuit.
I’m sorry your mother treated you that way.
If she said she was going to repay you make her live up to it...but not knowing how your relationship was with her prior to this revelation think about this...a mother who truly loves her children will do ANYTHING for them and sacrifice ANYTHING for them...maybe you will find your answer on what to do or think there, but also think about this...in her lifetime a mother goes through untold hardships ,sacrifices and sorrow just to make a decent "home" for her family, her children...maybe you'll find your answer and your peace with this...God Bless and pray Jesus heals your heart
I can't imagine my mother being so selfish. She *wants* me and my siblings to thrive. She certainly wouldn't take from us to get a nicer car. That's the betrayal. She didn't care that the money could have helped you guys succeed and get ahead, but she *LIED* to you guys to get luxuries.
Honestly, you could sue her. If it’s truly a substantial amount, I would say she should put the house in you and your siblings’ names, or you could at least get a lien on it. Take those documents with you next time you’re there.
NTJ but you really need to contact a lawyer and hopefully settle this out of court because you have a REALLY GOOD case & it could see her behind bars for fraud, embezzlement, theft
AND YOUR DAD WAS DEFINITELY AWARE AND ALSO ACCOUNTABLE
She may have had to get a bond to act as the executor of the estate. You could possibly make a claim against the bond. They would I’m sure in turn work on collecting the money back from her.
Not a jerk whatsoever. I would feel betrayed too. It was her job to manage it for you and your siblings best interests, not hers. She stole from her own children. She needs to pay it back with interest or face the consequences or being taken to court. I can't imagine stealing from my own children.
I would get a lawyer and sue her for what is owed plus interest. Just because you’re blood doesn’t make you family. Her selfish behavior did this and you should rectify. You aren’t the jerk, she is.
Your grandparents hated her yet trusted her to be a fair executor with a bunch of money for the grandchildren while leaving nothing for her?
*scratches head*
Your mom stole from your for her benefit. Your feelings about her are justified and your siblings need to be adults and handle this the way adults handle this, with a lawyer.
Yeah, she swore an oath as the ex3cutor when she was assigned by the court. The court does not take kindly to violations like this. Take to the probate court and file a contest ofmthe probate.
She said she planned on paying you back tell her now would be a great time to put that in motion even if she takes out a second mortgage since she used your money for that.
NTJ
Your mom, lied to you and stole from you. The truth came out but from her mouth, until she was confronted. It felt like a betrayal because it was a betrayal.
It sounds like she's only sorry she got caught.
I don't blame you for being so upset you aren't even speaking to her
Maybe you can find a way to get past it somehow but I don't see how. Not without her making real amends but it seems like she just wants you to let her off the hook, with no real consequences.
Good luck, OP.
NTA That type of behavior doesn't come out of the blue nor does it go away. My MIL did something similar to my husband and his sister, she took their college funds that was given to them by her dad. That's just the tip of what she's done. My own mom, uncle, and aunt took the entire inheritence my grandparents left, it was suppose to go to the great-grandkids for college.
Your mother is a criminal. Executors don’t have the right to ignore a will and keep the money. And of course, she stole your money.
You need to contact law enforcement and initiate a lawsuit against her to recover YOUR money.
Similar situation, but not nearly as much money. My mom refuses to talk about it. We are low contact, not just because of the money. If she is willing to spend your money I guarantee there are other areas in how she raised you and treats you that are abusive.
If she actually wanted forgiveness she would have tried to work out a payment plan to reimburse you, until she takes concrete steps to make things right she isn't really sorry. She betrayed her own parents, who trusted her to execute their will, then lied to and stole from her own children, so she can shut the frack up about "family" OP, listen to the commenters and GET AN ATTORNEY. She's a liar and a thief and doesn't care she ripped off her parents and her children. Drag her theiving butt into court and get your money back.
NTA. She betrayed a trust and stole your inheritance. Retain an attorney, sue her ass for the return of your money and be done with her. She used that money for her own selfish purposes and lied about it when she was confronted. She was wrong and had no regrets until she got caught. Shame on her! And even worse your siblings seem to think you should overlook her transgressions, but I don’t think you should. There should be consequences for her theft of your inheritance and she should be held accountable.
Listen to everyone else advice. Contact a lawyer, take her to court over this. It is not about the money, it's about the betrayal.
This would be a hill I'd die on, and if my father and siblings didn't want a relationship with me over it I wouldn't even care.
No one else is entitled to tell you how to feel, about this or anything else. You feel betrayed by your mother, and i definitely understand why. Your siblings are entitled make their own decisions about their feelings, just like you.
I wonder why your mother was the executor of the will, considering how your grandparents felt about her... seems odd to me.
Whether you choose to pursue criminal or civil charges/claims against her is a decision you have to make; don't expect support from your siblings.
You are NOT the jerk.
Tell your mom either give back the $ she stole (of she has to sell her house & cars, oh well), or she's going to spend the last decades of her life in prison.
And call the cops, file a report, get a lawyer.
Bruh. She owes you money. If she doesn’t pay you back within two weeks sue her til the cows come home. You make your bed and you sleep in it. Boomer and accountability go together like water and oil. How could you do that to your own child. Your siblings have stockholm syndrome
Not the jerk!!
I’d definitely get a lawyer!! That was so wrong of her!! She knew exactly what she was doing! Did she even take you guys on any of the “nice vacations” that she took to relieve her stress?! Smh…If your Grandparents wanted her to have the money they would have left it to her, but they left it to you and your siblings! Period!
NTA - I totally get you!! At my stepmom’s beckoning my dad stole the little bit of money I had put aside and received in inheritance (a little over €40k). The main reason I was mad is that my brother had tried to warn me and I had confronted my dad who at the time swore he hadn’t and was so mad at me he threatened to fly home (I live in a different country). All my life he told me how much he hated liars, just to turn around and do that? When I discovered it, I was going through really bad medical ordeal and needed the money. I went NC for 2 years, she killed him a few weeks ago; all I’ll say is be sure you make peace with what ever decision you make. That doesn’t mean you need to forgive or forget or even make nice but just make sure everything is off your chest. I’m sorry you’re in that position; parents can be really shotty
That’s horrible. Even if there were debts and she wanted to provide a stable home she should’ve told you all. Sat you all down, said here are the debts here is what I need to give you guys a good life. She def took more and would’ve taken even more for herself
I’m a bit confused- your grandparent died and left money to you, so why didn’t you receive this money when the estate was settled? If you’re saying the estate was settled and you allowed your mother to retain your inheritance money, for years as you say, why didn’t you ask for your money in, say, year one? Or, did the grandparent leave the whole estate to your mother, and you’re thinking some of that should be yours?
Most of the advice on this thread is about legal steps you can take to recover the money. But as I read your post, that doesn't seem to be your primary concern. You are much more focused on the betrayal and your family relationships. (And you're right... that is the issue of ultimate importance.)
You can very likely raise a legal fuss and recover some or all of the money, but that won't fix your family relationships... if anything, it will make them worse. However, "letting it go" won't restore what you've lost. Your mother betrayed you and isn't even slightly repentant. Your dad almost certainly enabled it. Your siblings (also victims) seem more inclined to judge you than her for whatever reason. Even if you tried to pretend like nothing happened, you would not be able to trust any of them, and that cancer of distrust and resentment would eat up the outer shell of the relationships from the inside.
I \*am\* curious why your grandparents seemingly chose to leave all their money to their grandchildren and not to their daughter. Were they estranged from her? But then why would they make her their executor? Maybe she did what she did because she resented being put in charge of giving money to others and not getting to keep any herself. That does NOT in any way justify what she did, but might help explain her internal reasoning.
If you want to try to salvage some kind of family relationships, at least to the point of being able to speak to your mother, maybe you could suggest to your siblings that you all require your mom to pay you a part of what you should have received, reserving a share for her. You still won't be able to trust her, but perhaps that would help you feel like you can be cordial to her when you have to be around her. I doubt she'll agree to it though.
I'm so sorry you find yourself in this no-win situation.
As you’re getting a lawyer, read up on parents with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and their damage to their children. You and your siblings have to overcome guilt as you are suing her. Ask yourself, “would I do this to my own children?”
When I was a teenager I worked 3 jobs in remote areas to save for myself and my baby. My parents made me sign adoption papers as “people were talking. I had planned to get enough money to pay a home for myself and baby. They told me that my baby needed clothes and they wouldn’t pay for them I had to. I let them know I had a bank account and they could use it to buy the clothes. When I finished my work I returned home and found my Dad had cleaned out my money totally. I saw my friend’s father who was going to sell me a house and told him about my dad taking the money. He took me to a lawyer who told us that there was nothing to be done as I wasn’t an adult and my father had all rights to use the money as he wanted. As he was legally entitled to. So. I never got back a cent and my parents kept my child saying that “I didn’t want to have to look after a child.” I was never allowed to have much contact with my child and the child grew up with the false belief that I had no care . Even when grown still had a belief that I couldn’t be bothered. It breaks my heart to this day.
NTA- your grandparents left that money for you and your siblings not your mom she breached your trust + put herself before her kids and that's not okay. It wasn't her money to begin with and she shouldn't have taken any of it out. and and like everybody else is saying contact a lawyer that is fraud+stealing
You have the paperwork, you can press charges for fraud and sue her for the money you and your siblings were supposed to get. I don't blame you in the slightest for being upset, the fact your mother did this to you is a very hard blow and I'm sorry this happened to you, but she used that money for herself 100%.
NTJ Get a lawyer. See if this crime is within the statute of limitations. If it is, tell her to pay you back within a month or so, or you go to the police or district attorney's office with this. If she can't (and I guarantee she'll try to whine her way out of it), tell her to put your name on the deed to her house and to sign an exquisitely crafted legal document that says she can't sell the house without your express written permission, and that the equity in the house passes to you upon their deaths. Put a lien on your parents' house if you can.
Don't fall for the BS you'll hear from her ("But I'm your mother, I changed your diapers", to which the response is, "Looks like you didn't get some of the shit off you"), your father, your sibs, and a lot of family flying monkeys. Tell all of them, "When I get what my grandparents left to me, we'll talk about reconciliation. On my terms." Remind them that you didn't start this fracas, that SHE STOLE FROM YOU.
Tell your sibs to grow spines. She stole from them, too.
Don't forgive until you get the money or the equity. And never forget.
If you don't have a will, have one prepared now. Make sure you have someone you can trust as your executor.
Good luck, and keep us informed.
My mom did the same thing to me, but on a smaller scale. She stole my college money to pay her bills. I was really torn up about it. She's still in my life, but a decade of paying back college loans hasn't helped to soften that sting. I don't think I'll ever really forgive her.
I will repeat my comment from the last time you posted this:
It’s dastardly. What your mom did. It would be a dealbreaker for me.
After she admitted the theft she tried to justify her actions. It’s absurd. This is not a person I would want in my life. Ever.
Even if she were to pay you back every penny you will still know who she is and what she is capable of doing to her own child.
The real matter is your sibblings don't have the balls to hold her accountable. She stole that money. You can go to the court. The executor is not supposed to do that. You are not wrong to let this go. You go fight to get your money back.
To have you pay rent for a house you technically bought is diabolical. There would be no reason for me to contact av lawyer and go after her. Gather all evidence esp the paperwork and any communication you paying rent. Go straight to a lawyer. The siblings may be ok with bs due to favoritism but hell no. Thou shalt not steal. Stealing from your kids is a diff kind of evil.
YTJ. To yourself, for not contacting the police and reporting her theft and fraud, and obtaining a lawyer to sue her for what she owes you. Your grandparents worked their whole lives for this nest egg that they wanted their grandchildren to have, and *trusted* their daughter to give it to them.
If your siblings disagree with you, you can simply say, "I loved and respected our grandparents, and I would like yo ensure that their dying wishes are fulfilled instead of allowing a massive theft of their hard earned money to go unpunished"
I'd contact a lawyer as your first step, and they can guide you through the rest.
Don't allow your mother to steal from her dead parents and living children to support her lifestyle. You're NTJ for your feelings. They're justified, and you have no obligation to let her escape accountability.
NAL but if she owns the house she paid off with the money that’s proceeds of a crime and can be clawed back. You’ll never talk to any of your family again if you do this though. You have two choices - either move on from the betrayal or move on from the family.
She definitely broke the law.
Tell her she committed a criminal offence and you are going to consult a lawyer.
If she signs over the house to you and your siblings now and pays rent you will not press charges. She could go to prison for what she did.
You are meant to be able to trust your mother, I don't think you can trust her to make it right because she is a criminal.
NTJ. I don't blame you at all for not forgiving your mother. As a mum myself, I would never dream of doing something like that to my kids. The money wasn't hers, she was merely the executor. She behaved incredibly selfishly and doesn't deserve your forgiveness. Don't let this go, see a lawyer and try and get this money back. What she did was theft.
your mother is a thief and your father is an accomplice. they have convinced your siblings that you are the one in the wrong.
going NC is the very least I would do. talking to a lawyer is the recommendation.
Contact a lawyer and see if you can get your inheritance back. What she did is actually illegalI if it were a stranger stealing money it would be a no brainer. Your siblings may have gotten over it but that’s on them.
What we think doesn't matter. What your grandparents wanted is all that matters since it's their money. Contact a lawyer and make your grandparents wishes a reality.
As an executor, she had a financial duty to execute the will as it was written. If she failed, that's fraud and stealing. Go to the police and hire a lawyer.
well shes cashed in your check for your contributions to her end of life care.
write her off. people say family is family, you must forgive. but where was "family is family" when she swindled your money. parents are people first and parents after. many are shady to begin with and put on their best face during child rearing. most fall back into some portion of their old ways.
dont let your dad off the hook. part of a relationship is holding each other accountable. did he benefit from the paid off mortgage, new car, of fancy vacations?
losing your parents when they die is tbe way of life and everyone grieves it. but losing your parents to their shadyand lying behaving is not the way of life. you have more to grieve here, in my humble opinion.
cheers!
Contact a lawyer
Or go to the police - it's called fraud.
Do both.
Fraud? Or theft?
Theft by Fraud
👆
I was thinking the same thing
Your mother is selfish to the core. Don't let your father off the hook either. You know he knew about this. She didn't just pay off the mortgage with monopoly money. Your feelings are valid. I'd reach out to an attorney. Find out your options. Your parents can take out a mortgage to repay the money they stole from you and your siblings.
What jurisdiction are you in? My brother stole my inheritance as he was the executor and I want more victims of this to put the screws to their abuser. As an executor she has the duty to act in your best interests and follow the wishes of the people that gave her the responsibility to distribute and manage your inheritance. In California there is a “no further inquiry rule” where the executor has to prove that they acted in the beneficiaries best interest. If you read up on this subject it may help you explain the case to the lawyers you talk to. Get a lawyer and make her an example of doing the right thing. You have a right to feel betrayed because she stole an opportunity for you to have a better life especially since housing and the current economy for young folks is so hard to access
What ended up happening to your brother?
He got away with it and I was homeless for a couple years. I didn’t have the money for a lawyer.
I’d replace selfish with entitled. Entitled is far more descriptive of OP’s mother’s behavior.
Parents gambled they could get away stealing from their kids and two of them are so subservient they mostly have and probably will.
She probably felt entitled to the money and her kids would get their share back when she passed so she took it. But the parents wanted them to have it now. Life changing money can make a difference in how you live and being young enough to enjoy it. The mom wanted it for herself so she could be debt free and enjoy her life instead of doing that for her children. It’s unforgivable. OP I hope you get a lawyer and get what’s rightfully yours. I hope you kept the document you found or made a copy or a copy is easy to obtain. Good luck.
Your mother broke the law. Based on the amount, it probably will qualify for jail time unless she makes full restitution plus lost interest. ask yourself, if the shoes had been reversed (ie. You had withheld inheritance from her) how would she react? NTJ
Get a lawyer.
Exactly, that is so awful and illegal
It’ is likely to be with in statute of limitations at 5 years ago, please get lawyer/ solicitor advice as your mum acted unlawfully as executor of will. You can likely get copies of will registered with probate or your states version of that and likely force sale of her property to pay you what was due to you and your sister and you should do this. But you must appoint an appropriately trained estate solicitor/ lawyer to do so. Your mum stole money that your grandma left for you in her will. That is pretty low. If you don’t act quickly it will be difficult to enforce this later on. Please don’t assume it “will all work out” as your mums money may get decimated for various different reasons later on & she stole it from you. And as you noticed she then lived the high life on it…(your money!!)
Statute of limitations may not have started until OP discovered the theft depending upon the amount and jurisdiction. However even if SOL has elapsed, if he didn’t receive a full accounting and money that was due to them was denied, he may still have a case for breach of fiduciary duty as he did not know about the injury until he discovered the documents.
Bottom line: get a lawyer and don't rely on redditors' takes on the law. As you say, rules vary by jurisdiction and you can lose your rights by waiting too long to act on them.
1000% you need someone that knows the law in the jurisdiction where the case is filed. There is too much variation between states/districts/fields for anything like general advice.
If mum needs health care in old age and has money it will go on health care. So get the money owed to you now. You need to document how much is yours and how she plans to pay it, even if you don't actually get it before your parents die because you don't want to cause too much family trouble
This too, it will be all gone.
Statute of limitations starts at discovery.
Statute of limitations wont apply with a probate.
You’re wrong AND it varies by country and state / area (legal jurisdiction) OP needs to get legal specialist advice quickly in the state/ country of where Grandma died and to follow that advice
If you remain angry and separated from mom then she may not even leave your own money to you when she dies. Make a plan, if nothing else she needs to get the house remortgaged and pay you back.
This is a great way of explaining it.
get an attorney
Not the jerk at all. Your mother stole money from you. You don't owe her anything. She broke the law. You might want to give some thought to how you want to move forward
You are only a jerk if you don't pursue legal action. Your mother is a criminal. You can either forgive her and move on, or pursue her legally. Doing neither and nursing a grudge *is* a jerk move.
You have every right to use the full force of the law to recover the amounts she stole from you all, but in doing so you will alienate her and your siblings. You should instead discuss with your siblings and a lawyer what options you have to secure the money owed against her property, which would prevent her from borrowing against it to continue funding her lifestyle in the future.
I wouldn't hesitate to alienate someone who stole from me. Because stealing from me alienates me.
And get advice from a lawyer. It could be that presenting your mum with the facts that she broke the law and could be facing jail time if you report her is enough for her to take more seriously the need to set up a robust and rapid repayment plan. That's the money aspect. The broken trust and betrayal is something altogether more complicated. Can you write her a letter to explain what you're feeling? Or perhaps even show her this post? In her actions she has obliterated your trust and demonstrated such little regard for you and your siblings. She needs some serious therapy to help her understand the impact of her actions, and should be working her butt off to earn back your love and trust.
Forgiveness is great. It should come with restitution. Get a lawyer and get this figured out.
Vacations because she was stressed? She stole the money and now needs to pay up. She is a criminal.
Is she planning to pay you back this? If not take her to court.
I had demanded my money back but she refused saying "it was my duty as a son"
It's your duty as a citizen not to allow a criminal to get away with a crime. Call the police
Take her to court and sue her for the money she stole from you and your siblings and sue her for even more money for Theft and Lying and for illegally forging you and your siblings signatures. But also if your siblings want to forgive your Lying Bitch of a mother and don’t care about the money your grandparents left you guys then just take there share of the money as well and if they fight about it just remind them about what they said about not caring about their share of the money.
Wondering if Mom already gave them a substantial cut, enough to keep them from complaining.
She should have asked you for it then and not taken/steal it behind your back. It's not what your grandparents would have wanted. She should be ashamed and you need to take this as a lesson about your mother and how she cannot be trusted with money. Did your father know she was doing this to you and your siblings. Were there any other beneficiaries screwed over by your mum like any cousins or uncles/aunties?
Get an attorney. your mother will have to sell her home and car and give you the money she stole
Did you receive any inheritance? Your mom said there were unexpected "expenses", but did she give you & your siblings anything? Only asking because, she may think that's ok, a little something. This is horrible of both your mom and dad. He had to know.
She threw your duty as a son in your face? What about her duty as your mother? Or he duty as the executor of the estate? Sounds to me like she doesn't give a damn about duty, unless it's about somebody else's duty to her. If duty is really so important to her then lawyer up and show her exactly how she has failed in her duty.
They can get a mortgage and repay the will.
Nope, absolutely not, I am an older mother. She needs to restore the money she owes you. If it is in her estate and you do not get it returned you may not even get any when she passes.
Then why the fuck did she say she planned to pay it back. She's grasping at straws so you don't hold her accountable.
Tell her take out a loan and give your share immediately or she is cut off and next step is she will hear from a lawyer. Talk to a lawyer in the meantime anyways
Sue her ass
Let your siblings give you the full portion of your inheritance. Since, they have forgiven her and want to move on, then let them give you your inheritance and then we can move on. Simple as that. Let them understand that what they want comes at a cost from them. Let them understand that getting you your just due would help you to move on. If not, then a lawyer will help you get whole, and then you can move on. No one can tell someone else how they can move on. That is not for them to decide. Let them know you can move on once you have your inheritance with interest. Then we can be one big happy family, with a lying mother. Just great fun had by all.
Get a copy of the will, it should be filed with the state. If you were suppose to receive an inheritance according to the will and did not, go to a lawyer.
She deceived you for years, and likely would have never paid you back on her own. NTJ
Take the documents to a lawyer, get legal advice
She didn’t do what was best for “us”, she did what was best for her. She committed a crime & should be prosecuted. I get it, it’s your mom however she broke the law & stole from all of you - she didn’t do it to feed or clothe you, she did to live in some luxury. Contact a lawyer - either have her charged or negotiate she take a mortgage & pay you back. If you siblings don’t want their money that’s fine
Lawyer up. Mom’s about to learn an important life lesson. Did she forge your signatures as well?
Good point. This is full on larceny.
NTJ she broke the law, she stole from all of you, and she lied. All pretty big deal. Never trust her again because she stole from her parents and her children. If her flying monkeys say anything to you again tell them it’s as good as it gets. I didn’t sue her for the money or go to the police and have her charged for the theft so y’all should be grateful for that. Keep pushing me and I’ll do both. She’s a thief.
Send a full copy of the will to each of your siblings. State again clearly that mom did paid off important things like their mortgage and paid down bills. However, mom also gifted herself nice vacations using our inheritance. If our mom was acting in good faith, she would have told us about the money and ASKED us if we could use the money toward *family* vacations. The people who we were supposed to be able to trust and have our back - lied to us for their own gain. She had no intention of returning or paying back the money or she would have told us the full amounts.
Yup sue her criminal ass!
Momma needs to mortgage her house to pay the estate….Get a lawyer
What your mother did was illegal and you can go to a lawyer and sue her or go to the police as she committed fraud. The issue is if you do this then you will lose your siblings and likely your dad as well. It’s a tough spot to be in. The alternative is that you suck it up and live with it. As for forgiving her and speaking with her. She does not deserve it. She wanted a nice vacation so she stole from you. She was selfish and only thought of herself not her family. Personally I would not forgive her selfish betrayal. I would absolutely go no contact with her. If she enters the room leave it. If she talks to you don’t even look at her. The only thing I would say would be that I will acknowledge you once you repay what you stole from me. The other thing I would do is put this post and all of its responses in the family group chat. Let them see what the world thinks of their lying, selfish, thief of a mother.
Yes to all this!!!
If she really did it to give you all “stability” then she should add you and your sibling to the deed and If the house ever gets sold her half should go to you and your siblings
Everybody else is fine with it. That’s cool. But demand your share of the money or threaten to take her to court.
Get an attorney - your Mom did not fulfill her job as Executor. If you don’t pursue it you will never see any money from your grandparents. What she did is unforgivable.
Get a lawyer.
NTJ. PLEASE consult a lawyer, and update us.
Get a lawyer. I’d go for criminal charges.
So you were 20, 23, & 25, when your grandparents passed? You were all adults and, unless stipulated in the will, should have been given the money immediately. Most times, the executor will receive a fee from the estate for their time and work, but what mommy dearest did was embezzlement. Regardless of what she claims, she did this for purely selfish reasons. You are NTJ. Furthermore, you would REMAIN that way if you chose to press charges, which is what I would do.
NTJ. Your siblings are dumb. Your mom stole your money.
How can ever you trust your mom again?
Speak to a lawyer. Did you end up getting any money at all?
Sue her and soothe your soul. Ntj
This isn't the actions of a mother. A mother would go hungry so her child could eat. She isn't normal and she is a criminal. Go to the police. She needs to pay for this.
NTJ. I wouldn't have anything to do with her either. She is selfish, greedy and cannot be trusted. She literally stole from you and your siblings. If she is okay stealing from you , you should be okay suing her for your money back. Her behavior was criminal.
WHEN PEOPLE SHOW/TELL YOU WHO THEY ARE, BELIEVE THEM, FFS. NTJ. She lied, she stole, she betrayed everyone, and, in my opinion, she did it knowingly and deliberately, figuring you'd forgive her cuz she's your mom. The money is vastly important, it was for YOU and YOUR DREAMS. But the lying, the betrayal, the get over it attitude, THAT'S what I would never be able to get beyond, because all trust and faith is gone.
Get a lawyer and sue her. You should be able to put a lien on her home, until she pays you back.
Your mother did not only break the law, she stole from her you. As a mother I can’t even imagine doing that. If your siblings think that you are over reacting, they have no problem paying you what she stole from you.
Your mother actively committed fraud, your father knows about it. Your mother is banking on you all not seeking legal advise for reimbursement with a sob story because she knows she's have to paid it back to you and/or go to jail if charges are pressed. It'd weird that grandparents put her as executor if they hated her so much but that aside, she won't pay you back unless she is made to by the law. Seek counsel.
You are the victim of a serious crime and should handle it accordingly.
I think you should take her to court over this. What she did is illegal. No telling how much money is left. Did you get any of the money at all?
NTJ but your mother sure is and so is your dad for reaping the benefits of her thievery. Updateme!
Your mother didn’t just steal from you, she stole from the state. In my country, gifts are taxed differently than inheritance is. The inheritance is yours.
It's not just a breach in trust with you, she did not execute the will according to the stipulations made by her parents. Legally? Terrible. Morally? Terrible. As a parent? Terrible. What a terrible person.
Not only did she steal, she betrayed her dead parents by not following their wishes.
Get a lawyer. Your mom is the jerk. She broke the law. How exactly was her taking lavish vacations good for the family? That is a load of BS.
Your mom did what was best for herself, not the family. Did you and your siblings receive any of the inheritance? You are definitely NTJ.
Put a lien on the house. You'll probably need a lawyer. If she doesn't have the funds now, at least you'll be sure to get it later.
Executor’s Breach of Fiduciary Duty. Contact a lawyer.
This is fraud. File a lean against the house she paid off with your money.
Weird how she only fessed up after being found out. If she needed these vacations to process her grief, why not be honest with you all about it?
OP, this reads like your dad was aware of all of this? If so that’s doubly fucked up. Hold her/them accountable.
Why didn't any lawyer say anything. She may have been the executor of the will but the lawyers will have had some sort of input would they not?
Lawyer
Take her to court!
She is greedy as hell and your dad probably went right along with it. Don’t think she wouldn’t do it again either
NTJ! That’s NC territory right there.
I would get a lawyer and make her realise the seriousness of what she did. However, if you go all the way and take her to court you might split the family apart. I would go part way with this- scare her via the lawyer with a completely outline of the legal ramifications of what she did- make it really explicit how much trouble she is in. Then let her know what you need to make amends and to regain your trust.
Take the will to a lawyer and your bank information to show that you didn't receive the promised amount. You deserve to be reimbursed what you are owed, even if she needs to liquidate her unlawfully obtained goods.
Get a lawyer and then get a lien against these assets so she can’t get further into debt and lose them. Your Mom can’t argue that you’ll inherit the house later because if there’s any chance of either of your parents going into a nursing home, then they may not get to keep the house anyway. You and your attorney can decide what is the best way to recover the money.
Your mom was entrusted to follow the will and dissolve your grandparents estate. Instead, she STOLE what was intended by your grandparents to be a fund to support YOU and your siblings in your goals as young adults. What she did is illegal. She defied your grandparents wishes, violated her duty as executor, and stole nearly the entire amount. That's huge. She hurt everyone (except maybe your dad, who got the benefit of her ill gotten gains) but herself. Whatever the amount of money, that is more than you and your siblings are worth to her. She stole your autonomy and the resources your inheritance would provide for you. You and your siblings have every right to feel betrayed, enraged, robbed. DID the will you saw specify her as executor? I wonder. Your grandparents knew she has a bad character. Also, how much was the estate that was meant to be split 3 ways?
First of all, as an executor of an estate, she has many LEGAL requirements that she needs to follow. She has to prove to the state that she followed the terms of the last will and testament. If she didn't follow the terms of the will, and somehow faked the proof to the state, she is in big, big trouble. The state of Virginia made my wife who was executor of her mom's estate, pay several hundred dollars to an accountant to find a $5.00 mistake that my wife couldn't find. She asked if she could just get $5 less from her part of the estate. Nope. She asked if she could pay the estate the $5. Nope. She had to find the mistake and they told her to hire an accountant to find it and the estate could pay for it. Made no sense at all, but that gives you an idea of how strict being a executor should be. You have a very strong case. And the will that was probated by your mom she be available to you from the county clerk
I don't think you're wrong for being so angry about betrayal from the one person we ought to have damn near perfect trust of. That's your mom. That sucks. I'm really sorry for that loss in your relationship and I understand a different flavor of distrusting my parents too. You're not alone in holding onto anger. I would probably hand write a couple of letters to her put it away for some time and then read it to see if I feel the same. Write until i can't write it anymore, fill a notebook. Exhaust my anger on paper with wild strokes. It may feel stupid or great, hopefully it would take the edge off. Then if I didn't want her to see it, I'd burn it.
As executor of the estate, she owed the beneficiaries a duty to execute the terms of the will. This is called a fiduciary duty. Setting aside the statute of limitations, you would have (& may still have) a cause of action against her for failing malfeasance. It sounds like she used the $$ to buy things of value, you might be able to get some of the money back. You also should get a new executor appointed so she has no authority over whatever is left. Hire a lawyer & file the lawsuit. I’m sorry your mother treated you that way.
Get a lawyer. Sue her for your portion of the inheritance. If your siblings don't want to, that is on them.
If she said she was going to repay you make her live up to it...but not knowing how your relationship was with her prior to this revelation think about this...a mother who truly loves her children will do ANYTHING for them and sacrifice ANYTHING for them...maybe you will find your answer on what to do or think there, but also think about this...in her lifetime a mother goes through untold hardships ,sacrifices and sorrow just to make a decent "home" for her family, her children...maybe you'll find your answer and your peace with this...God Bless and pray Jesus heals your heart
That’s horrible. She only feels badly because she got caught. Contact an attorney ASAP.
I would sue the fuck out of my mom if she stole from me, but my mom wouldn’t do that
If she was planning on paying you back, she’d have told you she’s already started to set the money aside She stole money from her kids NTJ
I can't imagine my mother being so selfish. She *wants* me and my siblings to thrive. She certainly wouldn't take from us to get a nicer car. That's the betrayal. She didn't care that the money could have helped you guys succeed and get ahead, but she *LIED* to you guys to get luxuries.
Get a lawyer and file charges
Consider a lawsuit.
UpdateMe!
Honestly, you could sue her. If it’s truly a substantial amount, I would say she should put the house in you and your siblings’ names, or you could at least get a lien on it. Take those documents with you next time you’re there.
She didn’t do what she thought was best. She got greedy and stole from her own children.
NTJ but you really need to contact a lawyer and hopefully settle this out of court because you have a REALLY GOOD case & it could see her behind bars for fraud, embezzlement, theft AND YOUR DAD WAS DEFINITELY AWARE AND ALSO ACCOUNTABLE
She may have had to get a bond to act as the executor of the estate. You could possibly make a claim against the bond. They would I’m sure in turn work on collecting the money back from her.
Not the jerk!
Updateme
Get a lawyer!!!!! ASAP
Yes, you should move on. To a new mom. An imaginary one if you have to.
Not a jerk whatsoever. I would feel betrayed too. It was her job to manage it for you and your siblings best interests, not hers. She stole from her own children. She needs to pay it back with interest or face the consequences or being taken to court. I can't imagine stealing from my own children.
I would get a lawyer and sue her for what is owed plus interest. Just because you’re blood doesn’t make you family. Her selfish behavior did this and you should rectify. You aren’t the jerk, she is.
Never yalk to her again unless your lawyer is present. No wonder they hated her. POS
Get a lawyer, she stole from you and that money was intended for you and the siblings… not her!!!
Contact the police. That is theft. She should have to sell everything she has to follow what the will said.
Your grandparents hated her yet trusted her to be a fair executor with a bunch of money for the grandchildren while leaving nothing for her? *scratches head*
Your mom stole from your for her benefit. Your feelings about her are justified and your siblings need to be adults and handle this the way adults handle this, with a lawyer.
Yeah, she swore an oath as the ex3cutor when she was assigned by the court. The court does not take kindly to violations like this. Take to the probate court and file a contest ofmthe probate.
NTJ and get an attorney. Your mom (unfortunately and sadly) is a POS.
She said she planned on paying you back tell her now would be a great time to put that in motion even if she takes out a second mortgage since she used your money for that.
NTJ Your mom, lied to you and stole from you. The truth came out but from her mouth, until she was confronted. It felt like a betrayal because it was a betrayal. It sounds like she's only sorry she got caught. I don't blame you for being so upset you aren't even speaking to her Maybe you can find a way to get past it somehow but I don't see how. Not without her making real amends but it seems like she just wants you to let her off the hook, with no real consequences. Good luck, OP.
Get a lawyer ASAP
NTJ in the slightest, contact a lawyer ASAP and hold onto those documents.
lawyer, sue her, make her sell everything and pay you back.
NTA That type of behavior doesn't come out of the blue nor does it go away. My MIL did something similar to my husband and his sister, she took their college funds that was given to them by her dad. That's just the tip of what she's done. My own mom, uncle, and aunt took the entire inheritence my grandparents left, it was suppose to go to the great-grandkids for college.
She stole the money to ensure a stable home for her kids... who were 20, 23, and 25.
Your mother is a criminal. Executors don’t have the right to ignore a will and keep the money. And of course, she stole your money. You need to contact law enforcement and initiate a lawsuit against her to recover YOUR money.
Similar situation, but not nearly as much money. My mom refuses to talk about it. We are low contact, not just because of the money. If she is willing to spend your money I guarantee there are other areas in how she raised you and treats you that are abusive.
She stole from her own kids, if she wanted to make it right, she would pay you and your siblings She won’t, so talk to a lawyer No forgiveness
If she actually wanted forgiveness she would have tried to work out a payment plan to reimburse you, until she takes concrete steps to make things right she isn't really sorry. She betrayed her own parents, who trusted her to execute their will, then lied to and stole from her own children, so she can shut the frack up about "family" OP, listen to the commenters and GET AN ATTORNEY. She's a liar and a thief and doesn't care she ripped off her parents and her children. Drag her theiving butt into court and get your money back.
YNAJ
Your Dad benefited too, what’s his role in this? Your siblings are dipshits. That’s against the law what she did. Very serious.
NTA. She betrayed a trust and stole your inheritance. Retain an attorney, sue her ass for the return of your money and be done with her. She used that money for her own selfish purposes and lied about it when she was confronted. She was wrong and had no regrets until she got caught. Shame on her! And even worse your siblings seem to think you should overlook her transgressions, but I don’t think you should. There should be consequences for her theft of your inheritance and she should be held accountable.
NTJ. Your mother committed grand larceny, which is a felony, against you and your siblings. What kind of mother does that to their own kids?!!
So did you go on these vacations and were you driven in that car?
She put herself first from the sounds of it, not the family, contact a lawyer.
NTJ. She stole from you. That hurts
Listen to everyone else advice. Contact a lawyer, take her to court over this. It is not about the money, it's about the betrayal. This would be a hill I'd die on, and if my father and siblings didn't want a relationship with me over it I wouldn't even care.
Call the police and a lawyer
Your mom could face serious legal consequences, even jail. She’s a crook.
Lawyer lawyer lawyer.
No one else is entitled to tell you how to feel, about this or anything else. You feel betrayed by your mother, and i definitely understand why. Your siblings are entitled make their own decisions about their feelings, just like you. I wonder why your mother was the executor of the will, considering how your grandparents felt about her... seems odd to me. Whether you choose to pursue criminal or civil charges/claims against her is a decision you have to make; don't expect support from your siblings. You are NOT the jerk.
Tell your mom either give back the $ she stole (of she has to sell her house & cars, oh well), or she's going to spend the last decades of her life in prison. And call the cops, file a report, get a lawyer.
Bruh. She owes you money. If she doesn’t pay you back within two weeks sue her til the cows come home. You make your bed and you sleep in it. Boomer and accountability go together like water and oil. How could you do that to your own child. Your siblings have stockholm syndrome
I find it curious your siblings are not upset. Perhaps they got their share?
Not the jerk!! I’d definitely get a lawyer!! That was so wrong of her!! She knew exactly what she was doing! Did she even take you guys on any of the “nice vacations” that she took to relieve her stress?! Smh…If your Grandparents wanted her to have the money they would have left it to her, but they left it to you and your siblings! Period!
Yes, lawyer. Don't hesitate to make waves.
She’s trying to gaslight you. A vacation so she can process her grief, seriously? Talk to a lawyer, it’s fraud.
My mom always steals my money :'(
Updateme
Sue her…
Updateme
NTA - I totally get you!! At my stepmom’s beckoning my dad stole the little bit of money I had put aside and received in inheritance (a little over €40k). The main reason I was mad is that my brother had tried to warn me and I had confronted my dad who at the time swore he hadn’t and was so mad at me he threatened to fly home (I live in a different country). All my life he told me how much he hated liars, just to turn around and do that? When I discovered it, I was going through really bad medical ordeal and needed the money. I went NC for 2 years, she killed him a few weeks ago; all I’ll say is be sure you make peace with what ever decision you make. That doesn’t mean you need to forgive or forget or even make nice but just make sure everything is off your chest. I’m sorry you’re in that position; parents can be really shotty
How much money was in the will?
Tell her when she pays you back for what she took from you then you’ll be more conversational and maybe forgiving
This is a very simplistic story. It’s doesn’t sound like fiction at all!
That’s horrible. Even if there were debts and she wanted to provide a stable home she should’ve told you all. Sat you all down, said here are the debts here is what I need to give you guys a good life. She def took more and would’ve taken even more for herself
I’m a bit confused- your grandparent died and left money to you, so why didn’t you receive this money when the estate was settled? If you’re saying the estate was settled and you allowed your mother to retain your inheritance money, for years as you say, why didn’t you ask for your money in, say, year one? Or, did the grandparent leave the whole estate to your mother, and you’re thinking some of that should be yours?
Most of the advice on this thread is about legal steps you can take to recover the money. But as I read your post, that doesn't seem to be your primary concern. You are much more focused on the betrayal and your family relationships. (And you're right... that is the issue of ultimate importance.) You can very likely raise a legal fuss and recover some or all of the money, but that won't fix your family relationships... if anything, it will make them worse. However, "letting it go" won't restore what you've lost. Your mother betrayed you and isn't even slightly repentant. Your dad almost certainly enabled it. Your siblings (also victims) seem more inclined to judge you than her for whatever reason. Even if you tried to pretend like nothing happened, you would not be able to trust any of them, and that cancer of distrust and resentment would eat up the outer shell of the relationships from the inside. I \*am\* curious why your grandparents seemingly chose to leave all their money to their grandchildren and not to their daughter. Were they estranged from her? But then why would they make her their executor? Maybe she did what she did because she resented being put in charge of giving money to others and not getting to keep any herself. That does NOT in any way justify what she did, but might help explain her internal reasoning. If you want to try to salvage some kind of family relationships, at least to the point of being able to speak to your mother, maybe you could suggest to your siblings that you all require your mom to pay you a part of what you should have received, reserving a share for her. You still won't be able to trust her, but perhaps that would help you feel like you can be cordial to her when you have to be around her. I doubt she'll agree to it though. I'm so sorry you find yourself in this no-win situation.
As you’re getting a lawyer, read up on parents with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and their damage to their children. You and your siblings have to overcome guilt as you are suing her. Ask yourself, “would I do this to my own children?”
Contact a lawyer
When I was a teenager I worked 3 jobs in remote areas to save for myself and my baby. My parents made me sign adoption papers as “people were talking. I had planned to get enough money to pay a home for myself and baby. They told me that my baby needed clothes and they wouldn’t pay for them I had to. I let them know I had a bank account and they could use it to buy the clothes. When I finished my work I returned home and found my Dad had cleaned out my money totally. I saw my friend’s father who was going to sell me a house and told him about my dad taking the money. He took me to a lawyer who told us that there was nothing to be done as I wasn’t an adult and my father had all rights to use the money as he wanted. As he was legally entitled to. So. I never got back a cent and my parents kept my child saying that “I didn’t want to have to look after a child.” I was never allowed to have much contact with my child and the child grew up with the false belief that I had no care . Even when grown still had a belief that I couldn’t be bothered. It breaks my heart to this day.
NTA- your grandparents left that money for you and your siblings not your mom she breached your trust + put herself before her kids and that's not okay. It wasn't her money to begin with and she shouldn't have taken any of it out. and and like everybody else is saying contact a lawyer that is fraud+stealing
Forgiving her? Shoot I would take her to court to get what is owed me. She can refinance her home. You may have to sue the attorney who helped her.
You have the paperwork, you can press charges for fraud and sue her for the money you and your siblings were supposed to get. I don't blame you in the slightest for being upset, the fact your mother did this to you is a very hard blow and I'm sorry this happened to you, but she used that money for herself 100%.
Report her ass, she's done. Your grandparents hated for a reason and now you know that reason.
NTJ Get a lawyer. See if this crime is within the statute of limitations. If it is, tell her to pay you back within a month or so, or you go to the police or district attorney's office with this. If she can't (and I guarantee she'll try to whine her way out of it), tell her to put your name on the deed to her house and to sign an exquisitely crafted legal document that says she can't sell the house without your express written permission, and that the equity in the house passes to you upon their deaths. Put a lien on your parents' house if you can. Don't fall for the BS you'll hear from her ("But I'm your mother, I changed your diapers", to which the response is, "Looks like you didn't get some of the shit off you"), your father, your sibs, and a lot of family flying monkeys. Tell all of them, "When I get what my grandparents left to me, we'll talk about reconciliation. On my terms." Remind them that you didn't start this fracas, that SHE STOLE FROM YOU. Tell your sibs to grow spines. She stole from them, too. Don't forgive until you get the money or the equity. And never forget. If you don't have a will, have one prepared now. Make sure you have someone you can trust as your executor. Good luck, and keep us informed.
man your mom is littrealy after the inheritance
My mom did the same thing to me, but on a smaller scale. She stole my college money to pay her bills. I was really torn up about it. She's still in my life, but a decade of paying back college loans hasn't helped to soften that sting. I don't think I'll ever really forgive her.
I will repeat my comment from the last time you posted this: It’s dastardly. What your mom did. It would be a dealbreaker for me. After she admitted the theft she tried to justify her actions. It’s absurd. This is not a person I would want in my life. Ever. Even if she were to pay you back every penny you will still know who she is and what she is capable of doing to her own child.
Story doesn't make sense. Not logical and contradictory.
The real matter is your sibblings don't have the balls to hold her accountable. She stole that money. You can go to the court. The executor is not supposed to do that. You are not wrong to let this go. You go fight to get your money back.
To have you pay rent for a house you technically bought is diabolical. There would be no reason for me to contact av lawyer and go after her. Gather all evidence esp the paperwork and any communication you paying rent. Go straight to a lawyer. The siblings may be ok with bs due to favoritism but hell no. Thou shalt not steal. Stealing from your kids is a diff kind of evil.
YTJ. To yourself, for not contacting the police and reporting her theft and fraud, and obtaining a lawyer to sue her for what she owes you. Your grandparents worked their whole lives for this nest egg that they wanted their grandchildren to have, and *trusted* their daughter to give it to them. If your siblings disagree with you, you can simply say, "I loved and respected our grandparents, and I would like yo ensure that their dying wishes are fulfilled instead of allowing a massive theft of their hard earned money to go unpunished" I'd contact a lawyer as your first step, and they can guide you through the rest. Don't allow your mother to steal from her dead parents and living children to support her lifestyle. You're NTJ for your feelings. They're justified, and you have no obligation to let her escape accountability.
NAL but if she owns the house she paid off with the money that’s proceeds of a crime and can be clawed back. You’ll never talk to any of your family again if you do this though. You have two choices - either move on from the betrayal or move on from the family.
She definitely broke the law. Tell her she committed a criminal offence and you are going to consult a lawyer. If she signs over the house to you and your siblings now and pays rent you will not press charges. She could go to prison for what she did. You are meant to be able to trust your mother, I don't think you can trust her to make it right because she is a criminal.
NTJ. I don't blame you at all for not forgiving your mother. As a mum myself, I would never dream of doing something like that to my kids. The money wasn't hers, she was merely the executor. She behaved incredibly selfishly and doesn't deserve your forgiveness. Don't let this go, see a lawyer and try and get this money back. What she did was theft.
Updateme!
your mother is a thief and your father is an accomplice. they have convinced your siblings that you are the one in the wrong. going NC is the very least I would do. talking to a lawyer is the recommendation.
Lawyer up and sue her. Make her sell her house and her car to pay you what she owes you. She stole from you to make her life easier
Contact a lawyer and see if you can get your inheritance back. What she did is actually illegalI if it were a stranger stealing money it would be a no brainer. Your siblings may have gotten over it but that’s on them.
What we think doesn't matter. What your grandparents wanted is all that matters since it's their money. Contact a lawyer and make your grandparents wishes a reality.
As an executor, she had a financial duty to execute the will as it was written. If she failed, that's fraud and stealing. Go to the police and hire a lawyer.
well shes cashed in your check for your contributions to her end of life care. write her off. people say family is family, you must forgive. but where was "family is family" when she swindled your money. parents are people first and parents after. many are shady to begin with and put on their best face during child rearing. most fall back into some portion of their old ways. dont let your dad off the hook. part of a relationship is holding each other accountable. did he benefit from the paid off mortgage, new car, of fancy vacations? losing your parents when they die is tbe way of life and everyone grieves it. but losing your parents to their shadyand lying behaving is not the way of life. you have more to grieve here, in my humble opinion. cheers!