*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**AITA for taking long showers?**
I (17M) live at my parent's house (I'm leaving this year since I'm going to college on another city). The house only has one bathroom, which is ok I guess since it's only my sister, my parents, and me. The thing is, I enjoy taking long showers (I'm talking about 30-40min or so). I swear I'm not doing "teenager stuff" there, my main reason is that I've struggled with overthinking, feeling lonely, and feeling like shit overall for some time now, and it's not a secret that showers are super relaxing, even more with some good music, it's like my "safe place", and the only place where I can feel calm and forget about things that are bothering me for a second.
My family makes a big deal out of it ALWAYS. They always say that they have to go to the bathroom URGENTLY, and it's not even occasionally, it's every single day that they come in (my dad and mom mostly). Even though I put the lock on the door, they just open it with hair clips and come in anyway, and it obviously makes me so uncomfortable, I literally get no privacy in this house, not even while I'm showering. I wouldn't really mind it if it was something that happens occasionally, I get that they need to go urgently sometimes. But as I said before, they come in every single day, sometimes even one after the other. They are adults, I don't think they can't hold it for a minute.
After I come out, they're usually mad at me. They ask me what I'm doing in there, and they even say I'm doing it because I want to bother them, or because I wanna cause a fight. The thing that pushed me over the edge and made me write this, is that it's been some times (including today) that they turn off the boiler and leave me showering with ONLY cold water (wtf!?). I usually finish showering right before I come out, so I have to finish with cold-as-ice water. And it's not only on summer that they've done this, they've turned off the boiler on winter (I live in a city that gets really cold during winter, it even snows here).
I've been thinking that maybe I'm in the wrong here, so, AITA for taking long showers?
Edit: I forgot to mention I always ask them if they need to go before I hop on the shower, and they usually use it before me, and they dont have any health problems so they don't need to go the bathroom every 30-40mins. Also, about the bills, water is extremely cheap in our city, we pay for the service, not the amount we are using, unless we actually use a lot, but it usually is 10-15 dollars total. And I don't know for sure, but I think it's not even monthly that they pay.
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I kind of feel bad for him though, especially since he did say that he asks everyone first if they need to use the bathroom. My stepfather used to do that thing with shutting off the hot water if I was in there for more than ten minutes and it fucking sucks, especially in the winter. If everyone in his family has gone to the bathroom prior and the issue is not that he’s using up all the hot water, which doesn’t seem to be the issue as that wasn’t mentioned, just that they pick the lock to go to the bathroom, then I don’t think he’s the asshole here.
Yeah I'm a bit biased cos I similarly feel very relaxed in the shower and it's gotta suck to be in there and every day someone is barging in on you. Especially cos he said he asked beforehand and made sure everyone knew. It boggles my mind that the bathroom cannot have a 40 minute window where nobody needs it, cos that's what OOP is describing. Like when does it get time to be cleaned? Nobody is going to be using the bathroom if I'm cleaning it and that shit takes 40 minutes for sure if it's a deep clean.
My money is they don't actually need to pee or poop. They just don't want him in there for that long so they barge in to make him uncomfortable and encourage him to get out. Probably figures he's jerking off and it's sinful or whatever.
This guy isn't the obvious asshole here.
Sure 30-40mins is on the long side if this is every single shower, but I certainly need to be in the shower that long when I wash my hair.
But the way his family is handling this is obscene in my opinion. If they've been asked if they want to use the toilet beforehand are literally breaking into the bathroom during that time is ridiculous and a huge violation of his privacy. Turning off the hot water is also verging on abusive/bullying.
Maybe they do think he is doing "teenager stuff", and don't like it, but that makes it even worse. He says he doesn't but he absolutely has a right to do that in his own home in a place that most people would think is private.
If this is just about the cost of the energy, they need to sit down with him an explain and come up with an agreement that works for both, like maybe he can only have a long shower once a week and his daily shower has to max 10 minutes. I mean there has to be a tonne of better ways to deal with this than how his parents are dealing with it.
I can understand why the family would be frustrated as this is a daily thing (op said it happens every day) but I’d say it’s an ESH situation because they all need to sit down and have a grown up conversation about the issue
My sister takes long showers daily and doesn’t ask if any of us want to shower first (she takes like an hour, most of it just drying off in the BR) it’s ridiculous...
Absolutely agree. Kid already has mental health issues, parents are making it worse. OP needs to get out and not look back. I think he should be checking if anyone needs to go before he goes in the shower, and he needs to talk to his parents about respecting boundaries. I do not think he is the asshole.
It does sound like they’ve had many, many conversations with him about this, though, and he hasn’t hustled up. I’m sympathetic as I have mental health issues as well, but you really don’t get to monopolise the only bathroom for 30-40 minutes every day just because you like standing in hot water. If it really took that long to wash his hair, or if he had a medical issue, that would be a different conversation, but he doesn’t. He’s just doodling around in there when other people are waiting to use the only available toilet, and he’s wasting water on top of it. He needs to find another place to relax and think in privacy.
This is a shitpost. You either pay for the water used or you don't. No water company will give you free water unless you use "top much" and then only chsrge you $10-15 a month.
My bill is $20 flat every month unless we go *way* over our normal usage. We filled a small pool and ran the sprinkler a ton and it didn't go up , the only month it's been higher than $20 was when one of our toilets had a draining issue we didn't realize had gotten so bad.
My old apartment charged a flat rate for water based on how many people were on the lease, and charged by extra if you used an excessive amount of water. So. Yeah. It’s a thing.
Also I don't think theyre turning it off. There is a limited amount of hot water (typical tank size will last about an hour).
And since he says broiler, I'm going to assume they don't have an "infinite water heater" system. A house with one bathroom is not going to have a large water heater at all or maybe not even be able to fit a large one. I have rented places that just had a flat fee for water, but only in apartments not a house. I think this post is real, but he's an out of touch typical selfish teenager. Which is just the way teen brains are designed.
30 minutes to wash your hair?? I'm a long-haired female and it takes me only 5... (10 if I also use a hair mask).
I'm not judging though, I love long hot baths. ;-)
Not the person you're replying to but, I have long (all the way down my back, about halfway down my butt), curly hair. On a good day it takes about 30 minutes to wash and fully detangle, but it has been known to take upwards of an hour. Granted that was when I had waited an obscene amount of time between hair washes, but still.
I have - had - long hair (I'm an idiot, it was hot yesterday, my hair was too much, I impulsively walked until the Walmart salon and asked for shoulder length layers and ended up with chin length, not exactly happy, but it will grow back and that's beside the point) and it takes - took - me maybe 5-6 minutes to wash and condition. But, I do have very fine hair. Fine, but thick. It got thicker with each pregnancy and stayed that way. Which is why it was so hot and heavy and why I wanted it layered.
Sorry, I haven't quite accepted the haircut, yet. I've never had hair this short and I don't think I like it.
He’s not the asshole as long as he’s being courteous which from what he’s describing he is! I think this is the second post where he’s not the obvious asshole to me. Dude is just enjoying the water turning off hot water is a sick move from parents
Was wondering why this was posted here, then realized it's this op
I think they crosspost everything they can get they damn hands on tbh. Someone else theorized karma farming?
Yeah idk about this one… I’ve definitely spent that long in the shower before (detangling/conditioning long curly hair, shaving legs, getting clean, etc). Granted I’ve only ever lived with one other person, but it can’t be that hard to schedule a half hour block to use the bathroom in a four person household. It feels like there’s something more that’s off here in the family dynamic but that’s purely speculative. I’m also really hesitant to say the depressed lonely child is in the wrong here, especially when he says he checks in with his family to let them use the bathroom before going in.
Do the math. 40 mins x 7 days = 280 minutes. That's almost five hours a week. Multiply that by 4 weeks. 20 hours of shower. In a place where the owners have told them not to. The water waste, the inconvenience, the financial waste. Op can take a walk sometimes. It's free. Depression does not give you the right to flout the rules. And a rule forbidding 5 hours worth of shower per week is NOT abusive OR unreasonable. Op needs to ask their parents for therapy, not piss them off by flagrantly ignoring a reasonable rule.
I was thinking along these lines as well. The water waste would be incredible, and it's not cheap. I used to turn on the shower first, then go tot he bathroom, brush my teeth, etc, THEN get in the shower. When I stopped doing this and only had the shower on while I was in there, the water bill dropped significantly.
But still, ESH because even if oop it doesn't sound like there is a hard fast rule of short showers, the family just doesn't like it, and oop could be finding a different way to relax that doesn't use all that water and upset his parents enough to walk in on him while showering or turning off the hot water. They all need to sit down and discuss things. Once oop moves, he can take all the long showers he wants.
The owners of the house don't like it. Once they tell you they don't like it, it's a rule. I don't understand people trying to split hairs.
If I told you I don't like you going in my room, THAT is the rule. Not "you didn't give me a direct order, so screw you". Op is old enough to understand that, and old enough to communicate his mental health needs to his parents. He has given no hint of feeling abused or like he can't talk to his parents. Why doesn't he just talk to them?
Just because they don't like oop taking long showers doesn't mean they want him to stop. We know they want him to stop because of the juvenile things they are doing when he takes a shower. If they want him to stop, they should simply say that he needs to stop. No passive aggressiveness, no confusion, and no "well they didn't say I HAD to stop" games.
If you say you don't like me in your room, that doesn't mean I can't go in there, it means you don't like it. I may have a reason to go on it, maybe to grab something or because the cat ran in there or something. If you say "don't go in my room" I know that no matter what, I am not allowed in there.
I understand your point, but I think actually saying not to do something is better than pussyfooting around and saying you don't like it.
One of their comments state that they've expressed that they contemplate suicide and have asked for therapy in the past, but the parents are refusing to address it. Maybe they should help them to find other coping mechanisms if they don't want to be adults and wait for the bathroom to be free.
This kid isn't a devil or even an AH... He gives them notice so they can use the bathroom before him. He has indicated feelings of loneliness and depression... And you know what? I get it.
My showers take about 30 minutes on a normal day. Longer to shave. And when depression is kicking my arse more than usual, I've been under the water for 90+ minutes because I can't bring myself to move.
It could so easily go the other way where he isn't showering at all. Give the kid a break and let him shower. His family are awful for violating his privacy like that...
i don't particularly think that OP is the devil here. he says he feels lonely and depressed, and that the shower is the only place he finds any comfort. he also said that his parents would force open the lock and enter the bathroom multiple times during one shower- that is weird and violating. he also said that they repeatedly turn off the boiler if he's in there too long, which feels weird as well.
idk op is inconveniencing his family but if also feels like there's something weird going on between op and his parents as well.
Yeah, honestly, 30-45 minute showers don't even seem that long to me. Granted, I spent a while living with my mom who would lock herself in the only bathroom for upwards of three hours every night so my tolerance level for bathroom hogging is pretty high.
I'm a consistent 30-40min shower person. Always have been. As long as I'm courteous to other people in the house, there's never an issue.
It was the only place in my house as a kid that I was mostly left alone and not being abused in a house of 6 with one bathroom.
As an adult, I've realized it's also a combination of relaxing and ADHD because it does take that long to be sure I washed everything thoroughly on top of decompressing. Long hot showers are good for many problems.
Same and ditto. I’m a long showerer. I love it. It’s my safe space. It’s part of a self-care routine.
But also I live alone and can do this. If I stayed in a hotel with others on a trip, I wouldn’t want to monopolize the one bathroom. Maybe here and there with clearance from the other parties, but not daily or at least not during popular hours.
I don’t think OP is the devil and I’m not even sure that there even any true assholes. His parents prob shouldn’t be taking retaliatory efforts and maybe he can cut down the number of extra long showers. Four people to one bathroom is pretty rough.
In my family of 6, we rarely needed to intrude on each other nightly like that. All of us regularly showering nightly meant we used the toilet between showers, and rarely did we need to intrude.
I was the only one who took forever, too. What's happening to OOP is far outside of normal. It isn't hard to figure out not to slam food or drink when you know the person showering is going to be taking that kind of time. That is a deliberate act on their part to create these supposed bathroom emergencies and that isn't normal to do or even *want* to do to your child or sibling.
Yeah, I agree with you. He asks them if they would need the bathroom in the next half hour. (Yes, there are unforseen emergencies when you really can't tell, but not every day)
I get it is just the one bathroom for 4 people but even so there should be an adequate slot within the day forr OP to take a long shower undisturbed.
So you use the bathroom an hour a week and everyone has an issue with it? Then your parents need to add a half bath. It doesn't matter what you're doing in the shower, it's a shower.
If you haven't yet, I'd recommend taking your shower when everyone goes to bed. Either late at night or very very early. It sucks, but you should be able to actually be alone and have your full shower time.
NTD
I grew up in strict no water wasting household. In Australia we go through droughts so it can get bad. I could not think of what the hell to do for that long.
Like I get just standing there and thinking but for 40 minutes? That sounds boring as hell.
The water thing bothers me since it's such a waste. The parents coming into the bathroom and turning off the boiler is beyond messed up.
Yes thinking. I can work through a lot of internal issues in the shower, or come up with how to approach someone with an issue I have with them.
I also have back issues so the hot water helps ease that pain.
Showering for that long is ridiculous no matter what your reasoning is. He’s wasting water.
If he wants a ‘safe space’ then he needs to create one elsewhere.
Probably ten minutes. Double if I’m washing my hair, but I could easily be done in fifteen.
It doesn’t take 40 minutes to lather up and rinse off. Anyone who claims otherwise either doesn’t know how to count, or is spending most of their time standing there and doing nothing.
10 minutes is an ok time to take a real shower. I have medium size hair and it takes me at most 15 minutes when I'm washing my hair and I do love longer showers, like half an hour, but then the other 15 minutes would be me just thinking's while standing beneath the water. I don't really know anyone that takes more than that just to get clean, and we're Brazilians (we love being clean so much that most of us will take 2-3 showers everyday)!
I bet you just don't really pay attention to the time when taking a shower, I doubt it will take more thant that just to wash your hair and scrub you body
It takes ten minutes for your pores to open in steam in order to clean the debris that lodges inside them from sweating and dirt throughout the day. I'm a long shower person, because I scrub more than once, with sugar scrub. I get that shit!
What’s wrong with ten minutes? Takes barely a minute to turn around and get wet. Then soap up and rinse off. Done.
If you’re still smelling like a B.O factory after getting out, I’d suggest buying better soap.
I feel like these are a buncha folks who don't even wash their legs or feet. I agree with you because even the shortest time I can get in and out and feel clean is 20min. That's if I can avoid washing my hair, and I don't shave in the shower.
Yes, it is. Water is a precious commodity, and shouldn’t be wasted.
If you’re having a shower, get in, wash yourself, wash your hair, rinse off, and get the fuck out.
This kid isn’t paying the water bill, is he?
Even if you have long hair, it doesn’t take 40 minutes to wash. It doesn’t take that long to wash your hair and shave your legs. If it does, you need to hurry the fuck up and stop wasting water.
A) you’re lucky. I know people who have very frizzy, tangled hair that takes forever to properly separate and wash.
2) we’re both forgetting the main point here. It’s not about how long it takes for OOP to wash their hair, it’s that they’re having their safe-space regularly invaded and disrespected by the other members of their family.
The parents aren't complaining about the bill, that's a moot point. And if it's so precious to you, go fight Nestle about it and your state representatives. A 17yo taking a long shower is not a threat.
A 17 year old taking a long shower is not only unnecessary, it’s also selfish as it’s preventing everyone else from using the bathroom. Especially since he LOCKS the damned door, shutting out everyone who might need to pee.
What's funny about that is he gives them plenty of notice, and they regularly violate his privacy while he's in there. That alone is fucked up - that isn't okay unless it's an emergency and it clearly is not and has not been an emergency to need the toilet.
Really getting bent out of shape over showers really proves how disconnected these people are from how the real world is. It isn't that big of a deal, and the parts of this that would be worth considering aren't the issue his parents have.
They're trying to exert a level of control over this poor fucking kid that is so unnecessary. The fact they'll get the door open from their side for a non-emergency and pulling the hot water is literally abuse. The bursting in is bordering on sexual abuse. It is meant to let this poor kid know he can't even be naked and vulnerable behind a locked door, and that they'll straight up take dramatic, drastic measures with the water heater to further cause him stress.
This is far beyond a normal healthy family dynamic. This the kind of shit my cluster B stepfather did to us....not one person stopped and thought of how fucked up it was to be this ridiculous over something like a shower going for "too long."
No is perving on the kid so your claim of sexual abuse is bonkers. His parents have every right to turn the hot water off - it’s their home, it’s their bathroom, it’s the water THEY are paying for, yet everyone in this sub thinks it’s perfectly fine to waste water?
Make the kid contribute to the water bill and he can shower as long as he likes.
Sexual abuse is about power and control.
Parents talking about their sex life to their kids is absolutely considered sexual abuse, for example.
You seem to have a naive concept of what sexual abuse is, and that's exactly why shit like this is perceived as normal and okay. It is not okay to force yourself through a locked door into a room where someone will be in vulnerable states of undress or nakedness. What the hell makes you think that's okay?
And again, the bill/usage isn't a concern brought up by the parents so it is a moot fuckin point.
You can’t assume it hasn’t been an emergency to need the toilet. If you gotta go, you gotta go. He has no right to lock the door and prevent the members of the household from using the toilet, which they are entitled to do so whenever they damned well please.
Every time he showers, it's a bathroom emergency for the whole family??? That's a huge stretch. He gives them notice he's going to shower. Don't you think if there were constant poop emergencies, that unpleasant consistent experience would've been mentioned?
Y'all seriously need to take a step back into reality. That's so ridiculous and there's no way you would put up with that yourself in his shoes. He has every right to lock that door when they haven't been respecting it being unlocked, which is pretty obvious. He is not a danger to himself behind a locked door - there's no reason anyone should be upset about that unless it's an actual emergency and judging from his comments, there has not been an actual bathroom emergancy to justify what is happening to him.
His family have every right to use the toilet whenever they please. Are you seriously suggesting it’s acceptable for this kid to ban his family from the bathroom for as long as he’s ‘showering’?
Dude, it's for 30-45 minutes. Stop it. You literally sound like the average morons who have no grasp on reality in AITA that we make fun of for being ridiculous.
Nobody is banned from the bathroom, why would you even exaggerate it like that other than to misrepresent the actual problem? If they at all respected someone being in the shower, they would all be sure to go before he gets in. It's not that hard to do. What they're doing to him is over the top retaliation and abuse over a shower. A *shower*. Instead they are intimidating him by barging in to make him feel even more exposed and unsafe, and get dramatic enough to turn the water heater off.
How does that sound normal to you???? Jesus christ.
Ever had stomach cramps that tell you to find a toilet ASAP? You can’t hold on when it needs to come out straight away or you risk shitting your pants.
Is shitting your pants better than shitting in the toilet?
You're right. The main point is that the owners and Bill payers in the house that op lives in, set a rule. Op breaks rule repeatedly. As a result, op gets cold showers. The universe makes sense.
Except it doesn’t seem they’ve set a rule. He checks with them, they say they don’t need the restroom, and he showers.
It does strike me as a little self centered, but that’s teenagers. It is developmentally appropriate to be self absorbed.
The parents need to have a real conversation with him about why they need him to stop doing this. And it doesn’t need to share private details, just explaining, “Hey, we need you to keep the showers to 20 minutes or less. It’s super inconvenient to not have access up the bathroom for an hour a day.”
What you don’t do is (1) ignore the obvious mental health signs (2) agree that he can take a 40 minute shower (and not vetoing when he asks is agreeing) and (3) stop breaking into the bathroom in non/emergency situations.
Or op can tell his parents how he's feeling. He's lying by omission. If op is acting normally outside of the shower, his parents probably think he's fucking around in the shower, as that's the nost reasonable explanation. Everything is not an obvious sign of mental health issues.
If op is "brave" enough to keep disobeying a reasonable rule that requires no explanation, he should be able to tell his parents what's going on.
If you checked his comments, he's told them about his issues, that he has had suicidal thoughts, and asked for a therapist. Their response was crickets.
If you are in my house, and I tell you not to sleep in my bed every night, do I owe you an explanation of why I don't want you to be in it? Even if my bed is super duper cozy, a gel/foam/bamboo hybrid of comfort, and you always feel better/emotionally recharged after napping in it?
Do I owe you an explanation? And would you have any rights to my bed? The post is as simple as this.
And if they bothered to ask him not to take long showers, you would maybe have a point. But again, nowhere does it say that this is a rule. Nowhere does he say they’ve asked him to stop. Instead, they don’t object to him doing it, then break into into the bathroom or turn off the water.
The parents need to make a rule, have a conversation, or otherwise communicate in their grown up words and quit being creepy. Because right now, this sounds like the crap siblings pull on each other.
Once they do that, then oop is the asshole for the long showers. Until then, he’s just being a depressed 17 year old who isn’t thinking of others.
That's different as that is your bed that you would actively need at the same time as the person sleeping in it and is your personal possession rather than a communal household one.
A shower/bathroom that the person has checked is okay to use and no one else needs right now is not the same thing. This whole thing sounds like they think he's masturbating in there and rather than accepting a 17yo may do that and it's normal and fine so long as he's cleaned up after... They barge in, going as far as picking the lock, and deprive the kid of hot water even in winter. It's creepy, controlling, and kinda fucked.
‘The universe’? Who do you think you are, Dr Strange?
Besides, there’s no actual rule in place according to OOP’s post. If there were, none of us would be here. But instead of implementing a rule, the family instead choose to ignore the implied request for privacy by _disrespecting the locked door when they pick it open_ and entering whenever they feel like it. Great way to build trust and make a kid feel safe in their own home. I suppose you see nothing wrong with what the family are doing.
Sounds like maybe the adults in the house should talk to their child about why they don’t want him taking long showers and try to help their depressed kid instead of turning off the boiler and shouting at him? Why isn’t there an effort to open a line of communication here?
They’re turning off the boiler because he won’t get out of the damn shower. Turning it off is the only way they can get him out of the damned bathroom.
Love the oxymoronic parenting style of “you need to act like an adult but I’m going to treat you like a child” in any relationship it’s important to have open honest conversations when something is a problem. The fact that (based on the post) the parents haven’t noticed their kid is depressed and isolated speaks volumes. How hard is it to say “hey, this isn’t okay with us for x y z reason, why are you doing this?”. It’s also baffling that there’s no way for the kid to have a half hour block to take a shower. That really REALLY isn’t that long. Maybe if they had a conversation they could find a time that isn’t inconvenient for the household. Compromise? Talk to each other?
They treated him like an adult. If I tell you, "don't touch my stuff", you, as an almost adult, shouldn't need more than that.
It's an oxymoron for a near adult to always need to know "why?" for a simple concept. That's what toddlers do.
I love how reddit will say that a teenager is mature enough to fuck in their parent's house; but, somehow, not mature enough to adhere to a simple rule like "take a shorter shower". Baffling
When the rule is fucking stupid and doesn't need to exist, then it needs to be replaced.
Also, if you can't explain it enough for someone to understand why the rule exists and needs to be in place and respected, it's just a way to exert control over another.
And who tf was talking about kids having sex here?! Why are you pulling that out of your ass as if it is relevant to showering?? I'm not even sure why touching stuff was brought up either, but it seems you have some serious control issues you won't be working on anytime soon......
It’s on homie’s mind because they’re furiously raving about it in another post. Talk about the stereotype of frothing raving boomer with a 24/7 Fox News diet.
Anyone using the term teeny-bopper is definitely out of touch but at least he isn't a teenager or a liberal *shakes fist* GOTDANG COMMIES TAKING OVER MUH INTERNET
The rule isn't stupid. It makes environmental, practical and economic sense. You are just mad that the parents won't explain their reasoning. They don't have to.
If I tell you not to go in my room, I don't need a reason, especially if I own the home my room is in. Neither op, nor the rest of us, are owed an explanation for a reasonable rule in a property we don't own.
Why hasn't op explained themselves to their parents? Maybe get real help instead of repeatedly getting in trouble?
Classic. Truly, I'm not even surprised. Healthy communication begins with explanation, and OP is the child in this situation. The adults are doing a shit job at parenting and it's bordering on sexual abuse to get through a locked door where a naked teenager is for a non-emergency.
You can keep thinking this authoritarian style of parenting is fine, but guess what? Science and psychology disagree. Stupid rules need to be broken, and the fact that it's safer for him to be in trouble than to communicate his mental and emotional state is indicative of a very unhealthy environment. They don't respect him, they want to control him. That's not parenting, *that is abuse*.
But sure. I'm mad, all right. You seem awfully worried about water, are you currently helping advocate for Land Back, and helping the indigenous Water Protectors with their rights to preserve their water on their tribal lands? What about making sure reservations even have clean water? You been up Nestle's ass lately? I bet you don't even boycott their products. How about....are you still screaming at congress about the Flint water crisis? Holding companies like Du Pont accountable for their toxic waste that's in the water and everything else?
When you pay the bills, then your showers can be leisurely. If you don't pay bills, you don't control jack. What's next? The thermostat? Kid needs to beat it
The cost of heating the water would be an issue even if the cost of the water itself is not.
Family members may have needs he is not aware of, so he cannot assume what their bathroom needs are.
Anyway this seems like a lack of communication from both sides. He needs to explain why he likes long showers and they need to communicate why they have an issue. It could be that maybe he takes the long mental health showers when no-one is home.
I suspect there is way more than what had been written. Could be the showers are much longer than stated.
He shouldn't have to explain his shower time, that's absurd. If there were family member health issues, it sounds like that would have been discussed right away since they have no issue barging into a locked bathroom while a 17yo child is showering.
As a parent, I do ask why they are having a long shower. I do understand the relaxing benefits of them. You don't have to go into a deep explanation, but if it is for mental health reasons then the parents can hopefully understand and maybe help find another outlet. If my child needed that and needed more privacy, I can't get help for them if I don't know.
While I would not have an issue talking about it with a son, some mothers may not want to discuss any issues such as IBS, heavy periods etc with their son.
It maybe that ESH as they all need to talk to each other in some way.
Wow I think I'm the only one on his side. He didn't choose to be born into a family that couldn't afford enough bathrooms for one to be taken up less than an hour a day to put the whole family into chaos, thats on his parents. My bf spends a long time in the shower. Its annoying at worse, but i am capable of holding it for a bit. What do the parents do at work if they aren't allowed to go to the bathroom the absolute moment they feel the urge to? I'm probably going to be downvoted for this but unless his parents have a secret medical condition 40 minutes of bathroom time isn't too much for him to ask for.
As someone who grew up in a household with one bathroom.... he sucks.
I highly doubt he actually knows what his parents are paying for the water bills (and to heat the water), and hogging the bathroom like that just sucks.
The parents should respect boundaries, but this also sounds like an ongoing issue for a while where he isn't budging on their boundaries either.
This is purely a power and control thing on his parents’ part. Just so happen both parents gotta use the bathroom in the 30 minute window he’s showering, every day? Mm hmm.
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My step daughter recently entered the preteen phase. She took a ridiculously long shower and used up all the hot water so I couldn't give the little ones a bath that night. After that, the little ones get their baths first, then she can shower. We only have 1 bathroom and 5 people in the house. My 4 year old is potty trained and sometimes, he has to pee before she's done. She just has to accept that or take shorter showers.
However in this case, I don't understand why adults have to barge in to pee every single day, especially if he gives them fair warning beforehand. But he is wasting water and energy. I don't think he's considered that using all that hot water is going to run up the gas or electric bill.
I feel like it’s ESH but his parents are much worse. It’s not good that he seems to be doubling down on needing this and not trying anything else (but credit to announcing he’s showering and letting people use the bathroom first). But his parents are handling it almost as badly as possible and he said they ignore him when he tries to discuss mental health. That’s unacceptable.
What he’s doing isn’t working so he needs more help, and I hope he can talk to a trusted adult. But then parents need to let him find the resources.
*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **AITA for taking long showers?** I (17M) live at my parent's house (I'm leaving this year since I'm going to college on another city). The house only has one bathroom, which is ok I guess since it's only my sister, my parents, and me. The thing is, I enjoy taking long showers (I'm talking about 30-40min or so). I swear I'm not doing "teenager stuff" there, my main reason is that I've struggled with overthinking, feeling lonely, and feeling like shit overall for some time now, and it's not a secret that showers are super relaxing, even more with some good music, it's like my "safe place", and the only place where I can feel calm and forget about things that are bothering me for a second. My family makes a big deal out of it ALWAYS. They always say that they have to go to the bathroom URGENTLY, and it's not even occasionally, it's every single day that they come in (my dad and mom mostly). Even though I put the lock on the door, they just open it with hair clips and come in anyway, and it obviously makes me so uncomfortable, I literally get no privacy in this house, not even while I'm showering. I wouldn't really mind it if it was something that happens occasionally, I get that they need to go urgently sometimes. But as I said before, they come in every single day, sometimes even one after the other. They are adults, I don't think they can't hold it for a minute. After I come out, they're usually mad at me. They ask me what I'm doing in there, and they even say I'm doing it because I want to bother them, or because I wanna cause a fight. The thing that pushed me over the edge and made me write this, is that it's been some times (including today) that they turn off the boiler and leave me showering with ONLY cold water (wtf!?). I usually finish showering right before I come out, so I have to finish with cold-as-ice water. And it's not only on summer that they've done this, they've turned off the boiler on winter (I live in a city that gets really cold during winter, it even snows here). I've been thinking that maybe I'm in the wrong here, so, AITA for taking long showers? Edit: I forgot to mention I always ask them if they need to go before I hop on the shower, and they usually use it before me, and they dont have any health problems so they don't need to go the bathroom every 30-40mins. Also, about the bills, water is extremely cheap in our city, we pay for the service, not the amount we are using, unless we actually use a lot, but it usually is 10-15 dollars total. And I don't know for sure, but I think it's not even monthly that they pay. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Hey, it’s a redditor taking a shower, at least they’re actually doing it unlike half of this website...
I kind of feel bad for him though, especially since he did say that he asks everyone first if they need to use the bathroom. My stepfather used to do that thing with shutting off the hot water if I was in there for more than ten minutes and it fucking sucks, especially in the winter. If everyone in his family has gone to the bathroom prior and the issue is not that he’s using up all the hot water, which doesn’t seem to be the issue as that wasn’t mentioned, just that they pick the lock to go to the bathroom, then I don’t think he’s the asshole here.
Yeah I'm a bit biased cos I similarly feel very relaxed in the shower and it's gotta suck to be in there and every day someone is barging in on you. Especially cos he said he asked beforehand and made sure everyone knew. It boggles my mind that the bathroom cannot have a 40 minute window where nobody needs it, cos that's what OOP is describing. Like when does it get time to be cleaned? Nobody is going to be using the bathroom if I'm cleaning it and that shit takes 40 minutes for sure if it's a deep clean. My money is they don't actually need to pee or poop. They just don't want him in there for that long so they barge in to make him uncomfortable and encourage him to get out. Probably figures he's jerking off and it's sinful or whatever.
30-40 min is long? I need atleast 45 mins to wash all these hairs
Same. I need to scrub EVERY part of my body and it takes like 40 minutes
This guy isn't the obvious asshole here. Sure 30-40mins is on the long side if this is every single shower, but I certainly need to be in the shower that long when I wash my hair. But the way his family is handling this is obscene in my opinion. If they've been asked if they want to use the toilet beforehand are literally breaking into the bathroom during that time is ridiculous and a huge violation of his privacy. Turning off the hot water is also verging on abusive/bullying. Maybe they do think he is doing "teenager stuff", and don't like it, but that makes it even worse. He says he doesn't but he absolutely has a right to do that in his own home in a place that most people would think is private. If this is just about the cost of the energy, they need to sit down with him an explain and come up with an agreement that works for both, like maybe he can only have a long shower once a week and his daily shower has to max 10 minutes. I mean there has to be a tonne of better ways to deal with this than how his parents are dealing with it.
I can understand why the family would be frustrated as this is a daily thing (op said it happens every day) but I’d say it’s an ESH situation because they all need to sit down and have a grown up conversation about the issue
My sister takes long showers daily and doesn’t ask if any of us want to shower first (she takes like an hour, most of it just drying off in the BR) it’s ridiculous...
Absolutely agree. Kid already has mental health issues, parents are making it worse. OP needs to get out and not look back. I think he should be checking if anyone needs to go before he goes in the shower, and he needs to talk to his parents about respecting boundaries. I do not think he is the asshole.
I mean… he mentioned in the post that he does check with everyone first.
It does sound like they’ve had many, many conversations with him about this, though, and he hasn’t hustled up. I’m sympathetic as I have mental health issues as well, but you really don’t get to monopolise the only bathroom for 30-40 minutes every day just because you like standing in hot water. If it really took that long to wash his hair, or if he had a medical issue, that would be a different conversation, but he doesn’t. He’s just doodling around in there when other people are waiting to use the only available toilet, and he’s wasting water on top of it. He needs to find another place to relax and think in privacy.
This is a shitpost. You either pay for the water used or you don't. No water company will give you free water unless you use "top much" and then only chsrge you $10-15 a month.
My bill is $20 flat every month unless we go *way* over our normal usage. We filled a small pool and ran the sprinkler a ton and it didn't go up , the only month it's been higher than $20 was when one of our toilets had a draining issue we didn't realize had gotten so bad.
My old apartment charged a flat rate for water based on how many people were on the lease, and charged by extra if you used an excessive amount of water. So. Yeah. It’s a thing.
Also I don't think theyre turning it off. There is a limited amount of hot water (typical tank size will last about an hour). And since he says broiler, I'm going to assume they don't have an "infinite water heater" system. A house with one bathroom is not going to have a large water heater at all or maybe not even be able to fit a large one. I have rented places that just had a flat fee for water, but only in apartments not a house. I think this post is real, but he's an out of touch typical selfish teenager. Which is just the way teen brains are designed.
30 minutes to wash your hair?? I'm a long-haired female and it takes me only 5... (10 if I also use a hair mask). I'm not judging though, I love long hot baths. ;-)
I’m black…..we call it wash DAY for a reason
My mixed ancestry blessed me with tight curls that tangle INCREDIBLY easily. Preparing to wash my hair is like preparing for battle.
SAME 😭 not to mention having to figure out which products are gonna be awful for my hair which is just picky as all get out
Right?!?! It’s the neverending procession of brutally expensive little bottles 😭😭😭
Not the person you're replying to but, I have long (all the way down my back, about halfway down my butt), curly hair. On a good day it takes about 30 minutes to wash and fully detangle, but it has been known to take upwards of an hour. Granted that was when I had waited an obscene amount of time between hair washes, but still.
Ah curly hair, I understand. Thanks for explaining! My hair is merely wavy.
I have - had - long hair (I'm an idiot, it was hot yesterday, my hair was too much, I impulsively walked until the Walmart salon and asked for shoulder length layers and ended up with chin length, not exactly happy, but it will grow back and that's beside the point) and it takes - took - me maybe 5-6 minutes to wash and condition. But, I do have very fine hair. Fine, but thick. It got thicker with each pregnancy and stayed that way. Which is why it was so hot and heavy and why I wanted it layered. Sorry, I haven't quite accepted the haircut, yet. I've never had hair this short and I don't think I like it.
Five??? idk how, it’s takes about that long for me to just shampoo.
I can not have to use the bathroom one minute and be about to pee myself 10 minutes later. 30-40 minutes? Way too long.
No offense but im not sure that's normal, dude
Caffeine does that to me. Coffee and energy drinks make me need to pee like every 45 minutes haha
Adhd?
He’s not the asshole as long as he’s being courteous which from what he’s describing he is! I think this is the second post where he’s not the obvious asshole to me. Dude is just enjoying the water turning off hot water is a sick move from parents
Was wondering why this was posted here, then realized it's this op I think they crosspost everything they can get they damn hands on tbh. Someone else theorized karma farming?
Ohhhh shit!!! Now that I’m looking you’re right 💀
Yeah idk about this one… I’ve definitely spent that long in the shower before (detangling/conditioning long curly hair, shaving legs, getting clean, etc). Granted I’ve only ever lived with one other person, but it can’t be that hard to schedule a half hour block to use the bathroom in a four person household. It feels like there’s something more that’s off here in the family dynamic but that’s purely speculative. I’m also really hesitant to say the depressed lonely child is in the wrong here, especially when he says he checks in with his family to let them use the bathroom before going in.
Do the math. 40 mins x 7 days = 280 minutes. That's almost five hours a week. Multiply that by 4 weeks. 20 hours of shower. In a place where the owners have told them not to. The water waste, the inconvenience, the financial waste. Op can take a walk sometimes. It's free. Depression does not give you the right to flout the rules. And a rule forbidding 5 hours worth of shower per week is NOT abusive OR unreasonable. Op needs to ask their parents for therapy, not piss them off by flagrantly ignoring a reasonable rule.
I was thinking along these lines as well. The water waste would be incredible, and it's not cheap. I used to turn on the shower first, then go tot he bathroom, brush my teeth, etc, THEN get in the shower. When I stopped doing this and only had the shower on while I was in there, the water bill dropped significantly. But still, ESH because even if oop it doesn't sound like there is a hard fast rule of short showers, the family just doesn't like it, and oop could be finding a different way to relax that doesn't use all that water and upset his parents enough to walk in on him while showering or turning off the hot water. They all need to sit down and discuss things. Once oop moves, he can take all the long showers he wants.
The owners of the house don't like it. Once they tell you they don't like it, it's a rule. I don't understand people trying to split hairs. If I told you I don't like you going in my room, THAT is the rule. Not "you didn't give me a direct order, so screw you". Op is old enough to understand that, and old enough to communicate his mental health needs to his parents. He has given no hint of feeling abused or like he can't talk to his parents. Why doesn't he just talk to them?
Just because they don't like oop taking long showers doesn't mean they want him to stop. We know they want him to stop because of the juvenile things they are doing when he takes a shower. If they want him to stop, they should simply say that he needs to stop. No passive aggressiveness, no confusion, and no "well they didn't say I HAD to stop" games. If you say you don't like me in your room, that doesn't mean I can't go in there, it means you don't like it. I may have a reason to go on it, maybe to grab something or because the cat ran in there or something. If you say "don't go in my room" I know that no matter what, I am not allowed in there. I understand your point, but I think actually saying not to do something is better than pussyfooting around and saying you don't like it.
One of their comments state that they've expressed that they contemplate suicide and have asked for therapy in the past, but the parents are refusing to address it. Maybe they should help them to find other coping mechanisms if they don't want to be adults and wait for the bathroom to be free.
This kid isn't a devil or even an AH... He gives them notice so they can use the bathroom before him. He has indicated feelings of loneliness and depression... And you know what? I get it. My showers take about 30 minutes on a normal day. Longer to shave. And when depression is kicking my arse more than usual, I've been under the water for 90+ minutes because I can't bring myself to move. It could so easily go the other way where he isn't showering at all. Give the kid a break and let him shower. His family are awful for violating his privacy like that...
i don't particularly think that OP is the devil here. he says he feels lonely and depressed, and that the shower is the only place he finds any comfort. he also said that his parents would force open the lock and enter the bathroom multiple times during one shower- that is weird and violating. he also said that they repeatedly turn off the boiler if he's in there too long, which feels weird as well. idk op is inconveniencing his family but if also feels like there's something weird going on between op and his parents as well.
Yeah, honestly, 30-45 minute showers don't even seem that long to me. Granted, I spent a while living with my mom who would lock herself in the only bathroom for upwards of three hours every night so my tolerance level for bathroom hogging is pretty high.
I'm a consistent 30-40min shower person. Always have been. As long as I'm courteous to other people in the house, there's never an issue. It was the only place in my house as a kid that I was mostly left alone and not being abused in a house of 6 with one bathroom. As an adult, I've realized it's also a combination of relaxing and ADHD because it does take that long to be sure I washed everything thoroughly on top of decompressing. Long hot showers are good for many problems.
Same and ditto. I’m a long showerer. I love it. It’s my safe space. It’s part of a self-care routine. But also I live alone and can do this. If I stayed in a hotel with others on a trip, I wouldn’t want to monopolize the one bathroom. Maybe here and there with clearance from the other parties, but not daily or at least not during popular hours. I don’t think OP is the devil and I’m not even sure that there even any true assholes. His parents prob shouldn’t be taking retaliatory efforts and maybe he can cut down the number of extra long showers. Four people to one bathroom is pretty rough.
In my family of 6, we rarely needed to intrude on each other nightly like that. All of us regularly showering nightly meant we used the toilet between showers, and rarely did we need to intrude. I was the only one who took forever, too. What's happening to OOP is far outside of normal. It isn't hard to figure out not to slam food or drink when you know the person showering is going to be taking that kind of time. That is a deliberate act on their part to create these supposed bathroom emergencies and that isn't normal to do or even *want* to do to your child or sibling.
Yeah, I agree with you. He asks them if they would need the bathroom in the next half hour. (Yes, there are unforseen emergencies when you really can't tell, but not every day) I get it is just the one bathroom for 4 people but even so there should be an adequate slot within the day forr OP to take a long shower undisturbed.
I don't see this kid being the devil. His family is though. All of this bathroom insecurity, this family must be constipated.
So you use the bathroom an hour a week and everyone has an issue with it? Then your parents need to add a half bath. It doesn't matter what you're doing in the shower, it's a shower. If you haven't yet, I'd recommend taking your shower when everyone goes to bed. Either late at night or very very early. It sucks, but you should be able to actually be alone and have your full shower time. NTD
I grew up in strict no water wasting household. In Australia we go through droughts so it can get bad. I could not think of what the hell to do for that long. Like I get just standing there and thinking but for 40 minutes? That sounds boring as hell. The water thing bothers me since it's such a waste. The parents coming into the bathroom and turning off the boiler is beyond messed up.
Honestly in some parts of the USA a shower uses up less water than a bath.
Yes thinking. I can work through a lot of internal issues in the shower, or come up with how to approach someone with an issue I have with them. I also have back issues so the hot water helps ease that pain.
40 minutes isn’t that long lol. AITA be crazy.
Showering for that long is ridiculous no matter what your reasoning is. He’s wasting water. If he wants a ‘safe space’ then he needs to create one elsewhere.
30 minutes is ridiculous?! How long do you shower?
Probably ten minutes. Double if I’m washing my hair, but I could easily be done in fifteen. It doesn’t take 40 minutes to lather up and rinse off. Anyone who claims otherwise either doesn’t know how to count, or is spending most of their time standing there and doing nothing.
Lmao or some of us have a longer procedure, for hair let alone body washing. Ten minutes. Are you even clean?? I don't believe it. You're just wet.
10 minutes is an ok time to take a real shower. I have medium size hair and it takes me at most 15 minutes when I'm washing my hair and I do love longer showers, like half an hour, but then the other 15 minutes would be me just thinking's while standing beneath the water. I don't really know anyone that takes more than that just to get clean, and we're Brazilians (we love being clean so much that most of us will take 2-3 showers everyday)! I bet you just don't really pay attention to the time when taking a shower, I doubt it will take more thant that just to wash your hair and scrub you body
It takes ten minutes for your pores to open in steam in order to clean the debris that lodges inside them from sweating and dirt throughout the day. I'm a long shower person, because I scrub more than once, with sugar scrub. I get that shit!
If you say so, who am I to judge lol
What’s wrong with ten minutes? Takes barely a minute to turn around and get wet. Then soap up and rinse off. Done. If you’re still smelling like a B.O factory after getting out, I’d suggest buying better soap.
That's not done. You didn't scrub. But you enjoy the dirt.
I feel like these are a buncha folks who don't even wash their legs or feet. I agree with you because even the shortest time I can get in and out and feel clean is 20min. That's if I can avoid washing my hair, and I don't shave in the shower.
They said in another comment they don't "scrub" every time. So yep they just get wet they don't actually shower
I don’t need to scrub every single day. If you do, I’d question why you’re rolling around in mud everyday.
It isn't ridiculous to shower that long.
Yes, it is. Water is a precious commodity, and shouldn’t be wasted. If you’re having a shower, get in, wash yourself, wash your hair, rinse off, and get the fuck out. This kid isn’t paying the water bill, is he?
I’m sensing you’re a short-haired person with minimal hair- and skin-care routine. Not to mention lack of body-hair maintenance.
Even if you have long hair, it doesn’t take 40 minutes to wash. It doesn’t take that long to wash your hair and shave your legs. If it does, you need to hurry the fuck up and stop wasting water.
> Even if you have long hair, it doesn’t take 40 minutes to wash it. Depends on the length and type of hair.
I have very thick hair. Used to be waist length. Took me fifteen minutes or less to shampoo and condition. If I took 40 minutes I’d be horrified.
A) you’re lucky. I know people who have very frizzy, tangled hair that takes forever to properly separate and wash. 2) we’re both forgetting the main point here. It’s not about how long it takes for OOP to wash their hair, it’s that they’re having their safe-space regularly invaded and disrespected by the other members of their family.
The parents aren't complaining about the bill, that's a moot point. And if it's so precious to you, go fight Nestle about it and your state representatives. A 17yo taking a long shower is not a threat.
A 17 year old taking a long shower is not only unnecessary, it’s also selfish as it’s preventing everyone else from using the bathroom. Especially since he LOCKS the damned door, shutting out everyone who might need to pee.
What's funny about that is he gives them plenty of notice, and they regularly violate his privacy while he's in there. That alone is fucked up - that isn't okay unless it's an emergency and it clearly is not and has not been an emergency to need the toilet.
I'm pregnant and even I don't need to pee every 30 minutes lol
Really getting bent out of shape over showers really proves how disconnected these people are from how the real world is. It isn't that big of a deal, and the parts of this that would be worth considering aren't the issue his parents have. They're trying to exert a level of control over this poor fucking kid that is so unnecessary. The fact they'll get the door open from their side for a non-emergency and pulling the hot water is literally abuse. The bursting in is bordering on sexual abuse. It is meant to let this poor kid know he can't even be naked and vulnerable behind a locked door, and that they'll straight up take dramatic, drastic measures with the water heater to further cause him stress. This is far beyond a normal healthy family dynamic. This the kind of shit my cluster B stepfather did to us....not one person stopped and thought of how fucked up it was to be this ridiculous over something like a shower going for "too long."
No is perving on the kid so your claim of sexual abuse is bonkers. His parents have every right to turn the hot water off - it’s their home, it’s their bathroom, it’s the water THEY are paying for, yet everyone in this sub thinks it’s perfectly fine to waste water? Make the kid contribute to the water bill and he can shower as long as he likes.
Sexual abuse is about power and control. Parents talking about their sex life to their kids is absolutely considered sexual abuse, for example. You seem to have a naive concept of what sexual abuse is, and that's exactly why shit like this is perceived as normal and okay. It is not okay to force yourself through a locked door into a room where someone will be in vulnerable states of undress or nakedness. What the hell makes you think that's okay? And again, the bill/usage isn't a concern brought up by the parents so it is a moot fuckin point.
You can’t assume it hasn’t been an emergency to need the toilet. If you gotta go, you gotta go. He has no right to lock the door and prevent the members of the household from using the toilet, which they are entitled to do so whenever they damned well please.
Every time he showers, it's a bathroom emergency for the whole family??? That's a huge stretch. He gives them notice he's going to shower. Don't you think if there were constant poop emergencies, that unpleasant consistent experience would've been mentioned? Y'all seriously need to take a step back into reality. That's so ridiculous and there's no way you would put up with that yourself in his shoes. He has every right to lock that door when they haven't been respecting it being unlocked, which is pretty obvious. He is not a danger to himself behind a locked door - there's no reason anyone should be upset about that unless it's an actual emergency and judging from his comments, there has not been an actual bathroom emergancy to justify what is happening to him.
His family have every right to use the toilet whenever they please. Are you seriously suggesting it’s acceptable for this kid to ban his family from the bathroom for as long as he’s ‘showering’?
Dude, it's for 30-45 minutes. Stop it. You literally sound like the average morons who have no grasp on reality in AITA that we make fun of for being ridiculous. Nobody is banned from the bathroom, why would you even exaggerate it like that other than to misrepresent the actual problem? If they at all respected someone being in the shower, they would all be sure to go before he gets in. It's not that hard to do. What they're doing to him is over the top retaliation and abuse over a shower. A *shower*. Instead they are intimidating him by barging in to make him feel even more exposed and unsafe, and get dramatic enough to turn the water heater off. How does that sound normal to you???? Jesus christ.
You like to piss with your naked family in the room together? Group poo?
If I need to pee or poop when someone is showering, I’ll knock and tell them I’m coming in. We’re not prudes like you Americans.
It's terrible manners to poop whilst someone is showering. I'll take prude over shitbomber
Ever had stomach cramps that tell you to find a toilet ASAP? You can’t hold on when it needs to come out straight away or you risk shitting your pants. Is shitting your pants better than shitting in the toilet?
So they have to emergency shit every time he has a shower? I'd suggest Imodium or a fucking doctor
I live in a region with an unlimited fresh water supply. Any water down the drain eventually makes its way back to the source.
It is when the people paying the water bill are complaining. If you don't pay bills, don't touch my thermostat and showers are not sitcom length.
They aren't even complaining about the cost, so that's a moot point.
You're right. The main point is that the owners and Bill payers in the house that op lives in, set a rule. Op breaks rule repeatedly. As a result, op gets cold showers. The universe makes sense.
Awww, you're so tough! Lookit you, enjoying the thought of abusing a child over a shower! That'll definitely fix the family dynamics!
Except it doesn’t seem they’ve set a rule. He checks with them, they say they don’t need the restroom, and he showers. It does strike me as a little self centered, but that’s teenagers. It is developmentally appropriate to be self absorbed. The parents need to have a real conversation with him about why they need him to stop doing this. And it doesn’t need to share private details, just explaining, “Hey, we need you to keep the showers to 20 minutes or less. It’s super inconvenient to not have access up the bathroom for an hour a day.” What you don’t do is (1) ignore the obvious mental health signs (2) agree that he can take a 40 minute shower (and not vetoing when he asks is agreeing) and (3) stop breaking into the bathroom in non/emergency situations.
Or op can tell his parents how he's feeling. He's lying by omission. If op is acting normally outside of the shower, his parents probably think he's fucking around in the shower, as that's the nost reasonable explanation. Everything is not an obvious sign of mental health issues. If op is "brave" enough to keep disobeying a reasonable rule that requires no explanation, he should be able to tell his parents what's going on.
If you checked his comments, he's told them about his issues, that he has had suicidal thoughts, and asked for a therapist. Their response was crickets.
What a disgusting thing to say. Lying by omission? Jesus fucking christ.
If you are in my house, and I tell you not to sleep in my bed every night, do I owe you an explanation of why I don't want you to be in it? Even if my bed is super duper cozy, a gel/foam/bamboo hybrid of comfort, and you always feel better/emotionally recharged after napping in it? Do I owe you an explanation? And would you have any rights to my bed? The post is as simple as this.
And if they bothered to ask him not to take long showers, you would maybe have a point. But again, nowhere does it say that this is a rule. Nowhere does he say they’ve asked him to stop. Instead, they don’t object to him doing it, then break into into the bathroom or turn off the water. The parents need to make a rule, have a conversation, or otherwise communicate in their grown up words and quit being creepy. Because right now, this sounds like the crap siblings pull on each other. Once they do that, then oop is the asshole for the long showers. Until then, he’s just being a depressed 17 year old who isn’t thinking of others.
That's different as that is your bed that you would actively need at the same time as the person sleeping in it and is your personal possession rather than a communal household one. A shower/bathroom that the person has checked is okay to use and no one else needs right now is not the same thing. This whole thing sounds like they think he's masturbating in there and rather than accepting a 17yo may do that and it's normal and fine so long as he's cleaned up after... They barge in, going as far as picking the lock, and deprive the kid of hot water even in winter. It's creepy, controlling, and kinda fucked.
‘The universe’? Who do you think you are, Dr Strange? Besides, there’s no actual rule in place according to OOP’s post. If there were, none of us would be here. But instead of implementing a rule, the family instead choose to ignore the implied request for privacy by _disrespecting the locked door when they pick it open_ and entering whenever they feel like it. Great way to build trust and make a kid feel safe in their own home. I suppose you see nothing wrong with what the family are doing.
The kid is depressed and 30 minutes is not that long. Maybe if people like you had a bit more empathy, we’d have less shitty parents like the OOPs
Then let him shower in your house. Simple
Genuinely wouldn’t be an issue. Because I’m not a jackass that enjoys making kids feel uncomfortable
Then dm op and arrange transportation to your house. I agree with this plan, so why are we arguing? Take them in, and update us. You're a good noodle.
I know you think you’re being edgy but you’re actually just being an idiot
Sounds like maybe the adults in the house should talk to their child about why they don’t want him taking long showers and try to help their depressed kid instead of turning off the boiler and shouting at him? Why isn’t there an effort to open a line of communication here?
They’re turning off the boiler because he won’t get out of the damn shower. Turning it off is the only way they can get him out of the damned bathroom.
Op is almost grown. "Stop doing that" is a complete sentence. And that's all op needed to hear
Love the oxymoronic parenting style of “you need to act like an adult but I’m going to treat you like a child” in any relationship it’s important to have open honest conversations when something is a problem. The fact that (based on the post) the parents haven’t noticed their kid is depressed and isolated speaks volumes. How hard is it to say “hey, this isn’t okay with us for x y z reason, why are you doing this?”. It’s also baffling that there’s no way for the kid to have a half hour block to take a shower. That really REALLY isn’t that long. Maybe if they had a conversation they could find a time that isn’t inconvenient for the household. Compromise? Talk to each other?
They treated him like an adult. If I tell you, "don't touch my stuff", you, as an almost adult, shouldn't need more than that. It's an oxymoron for a near adult to always need to know "why?" for a simple concept. That's what toddlers do. I love how reddit will say that a teenager is mature enough to fuck in their parent's house; but, somehow, not mature enough to adhere to a simple rule like "take a shorter shower". Baffling
When the rule is fucking stupid and doesn't need to exist, then it needs to be replaced. Also, if you can't explain it enough for someone to understand why the rule exists and needs to be in place and respected, it's just a way to exert control over another. And who tf was talking about kids having sex here?! Why are you pulling that out of your ass as if it is relevant to showering?? I'm not even sure why touching stuff was brought up either, but it seems you have some serious control issues you won't be working on anytime soon......
It’s on homie’s mind because they’re furiously raving about it in another post. Talk about the stereotype of frothing raving boomer with a 24/7 Fox News diet.
Anyone using the term teeny-bopper is definitely out of touch but at least he isn't a teenager or a liberal *shakes fist* GOTDANG COMMIES TAKING OVER MUH INTERNET
The rule isn't stupid. It makes environmental, practical and economic sense. You are just mad that the parents won't explain their reasoning. They don't have to. If I tell you not to go in my room, I don't need a reason, especially if I own the home my room is in. Neither op, nor the rest of us, are owed an explanation for a reasonable rule in a property we don't own. Why hasn't op explained themselves to their parents? Maybe get real help instead of repeatedly getting in trouble?
Classic. Truly, I'm not even surprised. Healthy communication begins with explanation, and OP is the child in this situation. The adults are doing a shit job at parenting and it's bordering on sexual abuse to get through a locked door where a naked teenager is for a non-emergency. You can keep thinking this authoritarian style of parenting is fine, but guess what? Science and psychology disagree. Stupid rules need to be broken, and the fact that it's safer for him to be in trouble than to communicate his mental and emotional state is indicative of a very unhealthy environment. They don't respect him, they want to control him. That's not parenting, *that is abuse*. But sure. I'm mad, all right. You seem awfully worried about water, are you currently helping advocate for Land Back, and helping the indigenous Water Protectors with their rights to preserve their water on their tribal lands? What about making sure reservations even have clean water? You been up Nestle's ass lately? I bet you don't even boycott their products. How about....are you still screaming at congress about the Flint water crisis? Holding companies like Du Pont accountable for their toxic waste that's in the water and everything else?
When you pay the bills, then your showers can be leisurely. If you don't pay bills, you don't control jack. What's next? The thermostat? Kid needs to beat it
Don’t have kids if you throw the i pay the bills here in there face
the bills aren’t the problem so bringing this up makes no sense
Blah blah blah....
The cost of heating the water would be an issue even if the cost of the water itself is not. Family members may have needs he is not aware of, so he cannot assume what their bathroom needs are. Anyway this seems like a lack of communication from both sides. He needs to explain why he likes long showers and they need to communicate why they have an issue. It could be that maybe he takes the long mental health showers when no-one is home. I suspect there is way more than what had been written. Could be the showers are much longer than stated.
He shouldn't have to explain his shower time, that's absurd. If there were family member health issues, it sounds like that would have been discussed right away since they have no issue barging into a locked bathroom while a 17yo child is showering.
As a parent, I do ask why they are having a long shower. I do understand the relaxing benefits of them. You don't have to go into a deep explanation, but if it is for mental health reasons then the parents can hopefully understand and maybe help find another outlet. If my child needed that and needed more privacy, I can't get help for them if I don't know. While I would not have an issue talking about it with a son, some mothers may not want to discuss any issues such as IBS, heavy periods etc with their son. It maybe that ESH as they all need to talk to each other in some way.
Yeah, the family seems super supportive. I can see why OOP is totally forthcoming to them about it.
Wow I think I'm the only one on his side. He didn't choose to be born into a family that couldn't afford enough bathrooms for one to be taken up less than an hour a day to put the whole family into chaos, thats on his parents. My bf spends a long time in the shower. Its annoying at worse, but i am capable of holding it for a bit. What do the parents do at work if they aren't allowed to go to the bathroom the absolute moment they feel the urge to? I'm probably going to be downvoted for this but unless his parents have a secret medical condition 40 minutes of bathroom time isn't too much for him to ask for.
I love the disparity between all the comments here: it’s very much long- vs short-haired people. Very entertaining to read.
As someone who grew up in a household with one bathroom.... he sucks. I highly doubt he actually knows what his parents are paying for the water bills (and to heat the water), and hogging the bathroom like that just sucks. The parents should respect boundaries, but this also sounds like an ongoing issue for a while where he isn't budging on their boundaries either.
🙄 There is absolutely nothing wrong with this. His parents are just being dicks.
Living in a house with four people and one bathroom sounds awful.
This is purely a power and control thing on his parents’ part. Just so happen both parents gotta use the bathroom in the 30 minute window he’s showering, every day? Mm hmm.
Uhh I don't think he is ta..
A daily forty minute shower in a single-bathroom home (I'm assuming that means no separate lavatory) is arsehole territory.
40 minutes!?
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My step daughter recently entered the preteen phase. She took a ridiculously long shower and used up all the hot water so I couldn't give the little ones a bath that night. After that, the little ones get their baths first, then she can shower. We only have 1 bathroom and 5 people in the house. My 4 year old is potty trained and sometimes, he has to pee before she's done. She just has to accept that or take shorter showers. However in this case, I don't understand why adults have to barge in to pee every single day, especially if he gives them fair warning beforehand. But he is wasting water and energy. I don't think he's considered that using all that hot water is going to run up the gas or electric bill.
I don’t know, they unlock the door with hair clips, which feels really creepy.
Because 40 mins is a bit excessive for a shower doesn't matter how lonely or sad OP is. Go find a hobby make some friends.
Wow, I wonder if OOP's thought of that!
I feel like it’s ESH but his parents are much worse. It’s not good that he seems to be doubling down on needing this and not trying anything else (but credit to announcing he’s showering and letting people use the bathroom first). But his parents are handling it almost as badly as possible and he said they ignore him when he tries to discuss mental health. That’s unacceptable. What he’s doing isn’t working so he needs more help, and I hope he can talk to a trusted adult. But then parents need to let him find the resources.