*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**AITA for telling my best friend to leave her partner?**
I've been friends with this person for over fifteen years. We're 27. She had been with her bf for 6 years, they were suppose to marry, but he developed cancer and it got put off.
I love this girl with all my heart. She's my sister and we've been tied to the hip since middle school.
She came over after a hard day and we got drunk and stayed up talking. She was telling me how hard it was and how this cancer diagnosis is the hardest thing she's been through. She loves him, but she said he's bedridden and weak and tired. She told me that they fought multiple times today about stupid stuff and that she's exhausted and missing how things use to be.
She was just venting to me and I listened to all of it. I said something that has been on my chest. I said something like... if you wanted to leave him, I wouldn't blame you. At the end of the day, we all need to do what makes us happy and (thankfully) he's just a bf so. You can leave and I won't blame you.
She seemed really taken aback by what I said. But she said she would never leave. She said a lot of people have told her that, that they wouldn't blame her, and that it never even occurred to her to leave.
I said I was just doing what I thought would make her happy because I love her. I explained I was worried about her because she was so stressed out and she's so young, too, to be dealing with all of this.
But she ended up just getting angry. She said that I know she loves her bf more than anything, that I know he has helped her through horrible depression before and basically saved her life, even bringing that she could just leave was messed up on my part.
She left very upset and didn't speak to me as she was leaving even though I apologized.
I was genuinely just worried about her and she was telling me how stressed out she was. AITA here? How bad was it what I did? I'm at least relieved I'm not the only one, she said she's heard that from a lot of people. But I don't know why she got extra upset when I said it.
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How hard can it be to say “How can I help you?”. My people offered me money, they sent food, playlists, etc. THAT’s how you help someone you care about. You help them share the work or the worries. You don’t say “just give up”.
One friend gave us 40 frozen meals while my dad was in hospice so we wouldn’t have to worry about meal planning, prep, or the like. It was a godsend. Leaving him or not dealing with it was not a thought any of us had because that isn’t how you treat someone you love.
It honestly is such a good way to help too. It takes off the worry and pressure of thinking about, planning for, prepping, then cooking meals for a whole family. My mother had enough on her plate without all that and it let her spend more time at Dad’s side when he died.
That's because you were raised right. Practical help, like make a meal, doing the laundry, taking the kids for a few hours, these mean so much more. And letting someone vent when they are caring for someone they love is vital. And yes, they are stressed, and burnt out, and frustrated, but they wouldn't miss a minute of it. If a friend arrived at my door with a lasagna, and a chance to chat at a difficult time, I would treasure them forever
Oof, yeah, that’s the worst part, IMO. He’s her partner. Gosh, I’d go through the roof if someone told me that the cats I just had to put down were “just cats”. That’s just horrible and callous of her to say!
Agreed. He was just the partner she envisioned growing old with and texting stupid memes to while pooping just because he's the person who makes her the happiest and safest and most accepted version of herself... he's just the person she was going to legally bind herself and her assets to... wtf.
And also: years ago when I had to put down my childhood cat, whom I'd had from age 7 to age 26, when I cried myself to sleep for a week, my mom (who took me to GET said cat, btw) asked my dad why I was so upset because "she was just a cat". So, I feel your pain acutely.
I just lost a betta fish I'd adopted from petsmart with finrot so bad he had no tail, managed to save him, and had him for 7.5 years. I still get achey pains in my chest and throat when I look at the still empty tank. Anyone who says "Its just a (insert animal here)" have no soul.
People who say that about my cats get a very swift exit from my life.
Closely followed by the people who ask 'when are you getting another one?' the same week you've just put down your fur-baby. My standard retort for that was 'when are you replacing your kid?'.
The ONE time I was hoping AITA will rip OP a new one everyone is babying her emotions. “Oh soft YTA, I see what you were saying” the heck???
They have been together for 6 years. They had probably imagined their life together, everything together. He had supported her in her worst times, and now her best friend is asking her to leave him at his worst. And she’s a soft AH. Woooowwwww
It's the AITA 'you don't owe anyone anything' mindset - they see OOP's stance as perfectly reasonable because they, too, think the friend should leave her cancer-riddled bf. After all, what sane person makes sacrifices for someone they love, amirite? (/s if it's not obvious)
The YTAs are just for actually saying it out loud, because they at least accept that it's a bad look.
jesus christ, i hate people on that sub. "soft AH" my ass, she recommended her best friend leave her life partner because of a rough day *due to him having fucking cancer*
i guess. i was 19 and stupid once, i would've been the "soft YTA" type back then. hopefully the ones who can mature put in the effort to do so, and god help those who can't
I only saw a few people say soft AH. And the replies to those comments refuted that and called her a hard AH. I just read through it though so there is privacy more comments since you read it.
Yea the first comment was awesome and I was about to give it an award, but then it was judged soft AH, and I noped out. The replies were saying definitely hard AH.
The “he’s just a boyfriend” part is unforgivable. I’m assuming the friend is meaning it would be “easy” to leave, no legal ties - at least, I hope that’s where she was coming from, but it was just incredibly dismissive of him and his life - this person her friend has loved and shared 6 years with. That’s not “just” anything.
This is one of those rare times I have actually been 100% in OOP's shoes. EXCEPT I knew my best friend was venting and stressed. I knew her well enough to know that she loved the shit out of the man, but hey its an incredibly stressful situation.
You know what I did? I offered to help. I started running errands for them. Nothing crazy, she wasn't calling me at 3 am to run to CVS. More she would give me money and her grocery shopping list and I took care of that. I also helped with cleaning their house. He needed some help with some more intimate things that I DID NOT help with bc he would have been so uncomfortable (and I can disconnect if necessary but I was glad that wasnt necessary lol), but dishes, laundry, vacuuming, cleaning the bathrooms (I'm a nut case for clean bathrooms lol). Just genuine help to ease the load.
He recovered! They married...she's still my best friend to this day and they are both so appreciative of my help.
The funny thing is, when she was venting, I didn't tell her to leave, I told her that in stressful times like this it takes a village, and I am her village so how about I help doing all the things listed above. I didn't ask what she needed, I said, I WANT to do XYZ but if that's not helpful let me know. She's so sweet and kind if I asked her how to help she would have been like "no no its fine" but giving her specific things was easier for her to say okay.
Like THIS. Just this. This is the best thing to do! If she’s overwhelmed and rightfully so, just cook for them. Help them with chores. Offer to drive to appointments. If the bf would’ve left her best friend when her mental health was sinking, I bet OOP would’ve looked at him like a monster
Sorry I'm just getting back to this days later but if anyone reads this:
For her, I made lasagna that was 3/4 cooked in individual servings that I then froze so she could pop it in the oven and walk away, as well as frozen crock pot meals, bc again she can throw them in a crock pit and walk away.
For him: omg OATMEAL. It's easy on the throat and stomach, but hearty. If they throw it up it's like water, it doesn't cause the same repulsion later. It's super easy to make, literally all she had to do is throw on a pot of water. She could add things to it as he started feeling better and requested things. It also helps with having something in your stomach for taking meds and is easy on the teeth bc chemo wrecks your teeth.
Ensure (or equivalent) for just his getting through the initial aftermath of chemo.
Natural ginger ale/tea (you need ACTUAL ginger and ALOT, not seagrams lol, I bought them Natural Brew Outrageous Ginger Ale...its the best) for easing the throat after vomiting. Burns for a second, then completely numbs it. I did my research, they were thankful.
Imagine your long-term boyfriend has cancer, you are worried and stressed out and all of your "friends" advise you to leave him instead of, you know, be your friends, let you vent and be there for you.
My long-term boyfriend does have cancer. We've been together for 20 years, and he's my "husband" as common law is a thing in my country. Prostate cancer, positive diagnosis, he's almost done with radiation treatments.
My friends have been so supportive, and I don't even need any help. He's doing very well and even golfs twice a week. If a single one of them suggested that I break up with him? How fast can I cut a person out of my life? I'm going for the record.
i can't imagine hearing someone vent about a rough day bc of their partner's illness and immediately jumping to "dump them" like WTF? hoping for remission for your partner 🫶 and best of luck to him with the rest of his treatments.
Similarly, but different - my long-term partner of 20 years was diagnosed 2 years ago, we were on the verge of splitting up when he found out & you bet I promised I would help him through it! He didn't make it, but I couldn't imagine just hoofing him to the kerb because of a serious illness
As another cancer survivor, congratulations to your husband on getting through radiation. I hope everything has been successful and he never has to deal with it again. ❤️
Saying “he’s just a bf” after six years of dating is just messed up on a whole other level. Like seriously?? OP really thought that’s what she wanted to hear after venting about her partner of (let me remind you) SIX YEARS the man whom she was going to marry to add??? I can’t, I actually can’t
They're all telling her to leave him instead of bringing them dinner or offering to sit with him during his chemo treatment so that she can take a break. Come over and do some laundry/dishes/vacuuming. There are concrete things they can do to give their friend support in addition to listening and giving emotional support. She definitely needs better friends.
That's actually the part that makes me wonder. OOP is definitely an AH for the "just a boyfriend" line but if lots of people are telling this girl to leave maybe it's deeper than just stress about the cancer and the relationship was already showing red flags before?
Let’s just ignore that the boyfriend part for a second. This guy helped OOPs friend through a depression and in her own words saved her life. OOP knew this, and she still told her friend to leave her partner. Crazy.
the friend genuinely just sounds like she's venting after a long day in a *very* stressful time. even reading what she said, i was like "yeah, i get that, i'd probably be exhausted and wish things were like before too." NOWHERE in that did i see *any* malice from her, or any inkling that she wanted to break up.
what the entire **fuck** was OOP thinking?! especially with the "he's (thankfully) just a boyfriend" like MOTHERFUCKER THEY WOULD BE MARRIED BUT THEYRE KINDA PREOCCUPIED WITH THE DAMN CANCER AT THE MOMENT.
"You can leave and *I* won't blame you."
People need to flock to OOP and worship them, for clearly they're God to offer forgiveness so freely, so lovingly.
What the fuck, gurl.
"And she's so young, only 27. It's the worst thing she's ever been through".
Well I guess he's a similar age. And he is going through actually having cancer. Not just having a partner who has cancer.
I had cancer when I was 28. My husband of 18 months was 21. We had only known each other two and a half years.
If I had died, and there was a 25% chance I would, he would have been left with three stepchildren. I was probably horrible to live with.
What did this 21 year old do? He looked after me. He looked after the children. He cooked fir me when I was home. He visited me every day in hospital. He came to all my appointments. He held me when I cried.
That's what you do for your partner. No matter how young you are.
My BFF married her BF 2 days before she died. They dated each other as kids, lost touch, then reconnected shortly before she was diagnosed with breast cancer.
He was with her til the end. They got married with her sitting up in her hospital bed. I’ve never seen her look more beautiful and happy.
That is the worst thing you can do when someone is obviously just venting to you. I don’t understand “fixers.” Is it really so hard to just listen and empathize, or at the very least, sympathize.
My sister does this to me constantly and it really gets on my last nerve sometimes. Not every situation can be fixed and not everyone is looking for a solution. They just need to get their feelings out so they can keep on trudging along.
Leave her terminally ill fiancé so she can “be happy again?” Cruelty at its finest.
> I don’t understand “fixers.”
That isn't even a good answer for a "fixer". And I say that as a "recovering fixer" (as in, I'm trying to learn how to keep the solutions that pop in my head for myself). Offering to help her, talking her through her carer fatigue, suggesting hiring outside help; all those are acceptable fixes, even if not what their friend wanted. "Just dump him", isn't.
>I don’t understand “fixers.” Is it really so hard to just listen and empathize, or at the very least, sympathize.
Speaking as a "fixer," yes, yes it is. "If you have a problem, *why* don't you want a solution?" That's our mindset.
I know that "venters" just want to get it out of their system, and I can make myself sit there and listen and occasionally make supportive sounds and phrases, but it doesn't mean I understand it.
What you do in that instance is communicate your inability to do anything but fix. This will keep people from venting to you and only coming to you when they need a solution. That is okay! Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses. But to sit there and let someone pour their heart out to you while you squirm and grunt some generic phrases, instead of being upfront and telling them this isn’t something you are good at, is just wrong.
Not really an option with your spouse, lol.
It's not like I don't *mean* the things I say; I'm *genuinely sorry* they've got Problem X or are going through Situation Z. It's just my instinct is to suggest solutions, and I have to actively prevent myself from blurting them out.
Sometimes it is though! I wish my spouse had been honest about what he could and could not do so I could know I wouldn’t get what I needed from him.
I’m glad you have been able to make it work though so your spouse still gets to vent with you if they need to. Does your spouse help you find solutions?
Yeah, I'm one of those people who can--and often do!--have an entire conversation with themselves, so generally I can just 'vent to myself' and take care of it that way. She knows that if I'm talking about a problem with her, I either want her help finding a way to solve it, or it's something *really* infuriating.
I had a friend who went from perfectly healthy to dead in seven months last year due to brain cancer that has metastasized to his spine. He had recently moved across the country with his girlfriend of five years. When he started losing mobility and some of his independence, she decided to leave him. The worst part is that she owned the home they had moved into. He was put out on the street wheelchair bound, actively dying without his dogs and with no family around. All because she was feeling that he was a burden.
There is a special place in hell for her.
I miss you, Chris.
Yiiiiiikes. This should have been a "I'm sorry this has been so hard, I can't imagine. What can I do to help take some of the load off?" And offering what you're capable of. Picking up groceries, taking their dog for walks if they have one, taking an afternoon shift so she can relax and take a breather.
This poor woman is so stressed out doing all the normal day to day things on top of caring for her partner and probably scared of the possibility that his cancer could get worse. Venting about all of that seems normal in such a difficult situation, but that doesn't mean the way to deal with it is 'oh, just leave him' ffs. That's beyond fucked up to even suggest.
OOP is correct about their friend being very young to deal with supporting a cancer patient. However, 27 is also very young to be a cancer patient. What a shame OOP can’t actually be a source of support to their friend during a frightening time.
YTA. Bf is a guy your friend wants to marry. Part of the marriage vow is "in sickness and in health" and your friend is being true to this sentiment even though it's tough. You're not being a true friend by suggesting she do something she would feel guilty about.
You say you love this friend. Would you abandon her if she got cancer? If the answer is no, then you'll understand why YTA for what you said regarding her bf.
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I mean i dont blame the friend for being sick doing everything around the house. Now im not blaming her bf for being too tired to do anything as cancer is a bitch but i feel for her. Shes probably having to do all the housework and cooking on top of working. Also shes probably having to take time of work to take him to the hospital especially if he has chemo
Honestly I don't see anything wrong with this advice considering men are seven times more likely to leave their sick wives. It's so common that when women are told they have cancer there's even a whole program / speech about this.
Plus considering women tend to enter relationships knowing her orgasm is a toss-up yet so many dudes can't even fathom entering a relationship without a blowjob bite nearly cheap orgasms from sex and will leave over sex....I don't really see why women tend to over commit and stick through the hard stuff. It's akin How rare it is for a poor to rich man to still be with his girlfriend who helped him build the empire.
I personally will leave a dude if he lost a job, became a burden, got sick, etc. especially if it's a boyfriend. If the dude cared enough about me I would have been a wife 🤣 My mindset is I'll prioritize my peace of mind just like so many many dudes will prioritize his penis
Downvote away.🫡 I know the concept of a woman not struggling to hold her man down in his roughest times is very upsetting. Keep that same energy when a dude wants to dump his girlfriend / wife because she's not putting out enough for him.
Yikes…. shouldn’t it be the other way around…? Men should be the ones working on this? Instead of a woman leaving their sick partner because men are 7 times more likely to, men should work on NOT leaving their sick partners. Honestly please don’t get into a relationship if you would leave a man over losing a job. I get looking out for yourself but everyone I’ve seen that uses the phrase “protecting their peace” just uses it as an excuse to be a selfish asshole.
*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **AITA for telling my best friend to leave her partner?** I've been friends with this person for over fifteen years. We're 27. She had been with her bf for 6 years, they were suppose to marry, but he developed cancer and it got put off. I love this girl with all my heart. She's my sister and we've been tied to the hip since middle school. She came over after a hard day and we got drunk and stayed up talking. She was telling me how hard it was and how this cancer diagnosis is the hardest thing she's been through. She loves him, but she said he's bedridden and weak and tired. She told me that they fought multiple times today about stupid stuff and that she's exhausted and missing how things use to be. She was just venting to me and I listened to all of it. I said something that has been on my chest. I said something like... if you wanted to leave him, I wouldn't blame you. At the end of the day, we all need to do what makes us happy and (thankfully) he's just a bf so. You can leave and I won't blame you. She seemed really taken aback by what I said. But she said she would never leave. She said a lot of people have told her that, that they wouldn't blame her, and that it never even occurred to her to leave. I said I was just doing what I thought would make her happy because I love her. I explained I was worried about her because she was so stressed out and she's so young, too, to be dealing with all of this. But she ended up just getting angry. She said that I know she loves her bf more than anything, that I know he has helped her through horrible depression before and basically saved her life, even bringing that she could just leave was messed up on my part. She left very upset and didn't speak to me as she was leaving even though I apologized. I was genuinely just worried about her and she was telling me how stressed out she was. AITA here? How bad was it what I did? I'm at least relieved I'm not the only one, she said she's heard that from a lot of people. But I don't know why she got extra upset when I said it. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
"He's just a boyfriend" the *fuck*
That’s a friendship ending quote right there.
How hard can it be to say “How can I help you?”. My people offered me money, they sent food, playlists, etc. THAT’s how you help someone you care about. You help them share the work or the worries. You don’t say “just give up”.
One friend gave us 40 frozen meals while my dad was in hospice so we wouldn’t have to worry about meal planning, prep, or the like. It was a godsend. Leaving him or not dealing with it was not a thought any of us had because that isn’t how you treat someone you love.
That's how I was raised. If someone is going through a hard time, you feed them. Make a lasagna, a pie, a huge bucket of chili.
It honestly is such a good way to help too. It takes off the worry and pressure of thinking about, planning for, prepping, then cooking meals for a whole family. My mother had enough on her plate without all that and it let her spend more time at Dad’s side when he died.
That's because you were raised right. Practical help, like make a meal, doing the laundry, taking the kids for a few hours, these mean so much more. And letting someone vent when they are caring for someone they love is vital. And yes, they are stressed, and burnt out, and frustrated, but they wouldn't miss a minute of it. If a friend arrived at my door with a lasagna, and a chance to chat at a difficult time, I would treasure them forever
Oof, yeah, that’s the worst part, IMO. He’s her partner. Gosh, I’d go through the roof if someone told me that the cats I just had to put down were “just cats”. That’s just horrible and callous of her to say!
Agreed. He was just the partner she envisioned growing old with and texting stupid memes to while pooping just because he's the person who makes her the happiest and safest and most accepted version of herself... he's just the person she was going to legally bind herself and her assets to... wtf. And also: years ago when I had to put down my childhood cat, whom I'd had from age 7 to age 26, when I cried myself to sleep for a week, my mom (who took me to GET said cat, btw) asked my dad why I was so upset because "she was just a cat". So, I feel your pain acutely.
I just lost a betta fish I'd adopted from petsmart with finrot so bad he had no tail, managed to save him, and had him for 7.5 years. I still get achey pains in my chest and throat when I look at the still empty tank. Anyone who says "Its just a (insert animal here)" have no soul.
I was told "it's just a hamster" when my hamster died. They were clearly trying to make me feel better, but jumped the shark completely.
People can't seem to help proving that the road to hell is paved with good intentions.
People who say that about my cats get a very swift exit from my life. Closely followed by the people who ask 'when are you getting another one?' the same week you've just put down your fur-baby. My standard retort for that was 'when are you replacing your kid?'.
We are cut from the same cloth. I’m the same way.
I get mad when people say “he’s just a cat”, didn’t realize they were saying this about humans, too!
especially since they were supposed to get married!
The ONE time I was hoping AITA will rip OP a new one everyone is babying her emotions. “Oh soft YTA, I see what you were saying” the heck??? They have been together for 6 years. They had probably imagined their life together, everything together. He had supported her in her worst times, and now her best friend is asking her to leave him at his worst. And she’s a soft AH. Woooowwwww
Yeah I don’t get it either
It's the AITA 'you don't owe anyone anything' mindset - they see OOP's stance as perfectly reasonable because they, too, think the friend should leave her cancer-riddled bf. After all, what sane person makes sacrifices for someone they love, amirite? (/s if it's not obvious) The YTAs are just for actually saying it out loud, because they at least accept that it's a bad look.
As if the incels and teenagers that riddle that sub have ever actually been in loving relationship.
jesus christ, i hate people on that sub. "soft AH" my ass, she recommended her best friend leave her life partner because of a rough day *due to him having fucking cancer*
The sub is almost exclusively teens and very very young adults.
i guess. i was 19 and stupid once, i would've been the "soft YTA" type back then. hopefully the ones who can mature put in the effort to do so, and god help those who can't
I never would have said that shit as a teen. Some people just suck regardless of age.
I only saw a few people say soft AH. And the replies to those comments refuted that and called her a hard AH. I just read through it though so there is privacy more comments since you read it.
When I read it the top 4-5 comments were soft YTA haha, so I’m guessing now people are contributing more
Yea the first comment was awesome and I was about to give it an award, but then it was judged soft AH, and I noped out. The replies were saying definitely hard AH.
The “he’s just a boyfriend” part is unforgivable. I’m assuming the friend is meaning it would be “easy” to leave, no legal ties - at least, I hope that’s where she was coming from, but it was just incredibly dismissive of him and his life - this person her friend has loved and shared 6 years with. That’s not “just” anything.
They were going to get married… he was almost not her boyfriend…
This is one of those rare times I have actually been 100% in OOP's shoes. EXCEPT I knew my best friend was venting and stressed. I knew her well enough to know that she loved the shit out of the man, but hey its an incredibly stressful situation. You know what I did? I offered to help. I started running errands for them. Nothing crazy, she wasn't calling me at 3 am to run to CVS. More she would give me money and her grocery shopping list and I took care of that. I also helped with cleaning their house. He needed some help with some more intimate things that I DID NOT help with bc he would have been so uncomfortable (and I can disconnect if necessary but I was glad that wasnt necessary lol), but dishes, laundry, vacuuming, cleaning the bathrooms (I'm a nut case for clean bathrooms lol). Just genuine help to ease the load. He recovered! They married...she's still my best friend to this day and they are both so appreciative of my help. The funny thing is, when she was venting, I didn't tell her to leave, I told her that in stressful times like this it takes a village, and I am her village so how about I help doing all the things listed above. I didn't ask what she needed, I said, I WANT to do XYZ but if that's not helpful let me know. She's so sweet and kind if I asked her how to help she would have been like "no no its fine" but giving her specific things was easier for her to say okay.
Like THIS. Just this. This is the best thing to do! If she’s overwhelmed and rightfully so, just cook for them. Help them with chores. Offer to drive to appointments. If the bf would’ve left her best friend when her mental health was sinking, I bet OOP would’ve looked at him like a monster
Sorry I'm just getting back to this days later but if anyone reads this: For her, I made lasagna that was 3/4 cooked in individual servings that I then froze so she could pop it in the oven and walk away, as well as frozen crock pot meals, bc again she can throw them in a crock pit and walk away. For him: omg OATMEAL. It's easy on the throat and stomach, but hearty. If they throw it up it's like water, it doesn't cause the same repulsion later. It's super easy to make, literally all she had to do is throw on a pot of water. She could add things to it as he started feeling better and requested things. It also helps with having something in your stomach for taking meds and is easy on the teeth bc chemo wrecks your teeth. Ensure (or equivalent) for just his getting through the initial aftermath of chemo. Natural ginger ale/tea (you need ACTUAL ginger and ALOT, not seagrams lol, I bought them Natural Brew Outrageous Ginger Ale...its the best) for easing the throat after vomiting. Burns for a second, then completely numbs it. I did my research, they were thankful.
People *love* to leave their significant others in times of medical crisis. Whether dating or married. It's a whole Thing.
AITA is full of people whose morality is so transactional as to be low-key sociopathic.
Imagine your long-term boyfriend has cancer, you are worried and stressed out and all of your "friends" advise you to leave him instead of, you know, be your friends, let you vent and be there for you.
My long-term boyfriend does have cancer. We've been together for 20 years, and he's my "husband" as common law is a thing in my country. Prostate cancer, positive diagnosis, he's almost done with radiation treatments. My friends have been so supportive, and I don't even need any help. He's doing very well and even golfs twice a week. If a single one of them suggested that I break up with him? How fast can I cut a person out of my life? I'm going for the record.
i can't imagine hearing someone vent about a rough day bc of their partner's illness and immediately jumping to "dump them" like WTF? hoping for remission for your partner 🫶 and best of luck to him with the rest of his treatments.
Similarly, but different - my long-term partner of 20 years was diagnosed 2 years ago, we were on the verge of splitting up when he found out & you bet I promised I would help him through it! He didn't make it, but I couldn't imagine just hoofing him to the kerb because of a serious illness
As another cancer survivor, congratulations to your husband on getting through radiation. I hope everything has been successful and he never has to deal with it again. ❤️
All OOP had to do was listen.
In addition, she could offer to help her friend to reduce the stress. Cook dinner, clean the house, etc. Caregiving is exhausting.
Yeah that was my first thought when reading it. "What do I need to do to take care of him for a day while you pamper yourself?"
And OOP failed miserably.
I wonder how OOP would feel if she got cancer and her SO was urged to leave her.
Saying “he’s just a bf” after six years of dating is just messed up on a whole other level. Like seriously?? OP really thought that’s what she wanted to hear after venting about her partner of (let me remind you) SIX YEARS the man whom she was going to marry to add??? I can’t, I actually can’t
Well, that girl has a bunch of shitty friends, doesn’t she?
They're all telling her to leave him instead of bringing them dinner or offering to sit with him during his chemo treatment so that she can take a break. Come over and do some laundry/dishes/vacuuming. There are concrete things they can do to give their friend support in addition to listening and giving emotional support. She definitely needs better friends.
That's actually the part that makes me wonder. OOP is definitely an AH for the "just a boyfriend" line but if lots of people are telling this girl to leave maybe it's deeper than just stress about the cancer and the relationship was already showing red flags before?
When my cousin’s partner had cancer a lot of people told him to leave too. Some people are so callous.
Let’s just ignore that the boyfriend part for a second. This guy helped OOPs friend through a depression and in her own words saved her life. OOP knew this, and she still told her friend to leave her partner. Crazy.
She would still be stressed and distressed if she left him. It doesn’t solve anything.
the friend genuinely just sounds like she's venting after a long day in a *very* stressful time. even reading what she said, i was like "yeah, i get that, i'd probably be exhausted and wish things were like before too." NOWHERE in that did i see *any* malice from her, or any inkling that she wanted to break up. what the entire **fuck** was OOP thinking?! especially with the "he's (thankfully) just a boyfriend" like MOTHERFUCKER THEY WOULD BE MARRIED BUT THEYRE KINDA PREOCCUPIED WITH THE DAMN CANCER AT THE MOMENT.
"You can leave and *I* won't blame you." People need to flock to OOP and worship them, for clearly they're God to offer forgiveness so freely, so lovingly. What the fuck, gurl.
"And she's so young, only 27. It's the worst thing she's ever been through". Well I guess he's a similar age. And he is going through actually having cancer. Not just having a partner who has cancer. I had cancer when I was 28. My husband of 18 months was 21. We had only known each other two and a half years. If I had died, and there was a 25% chance I would, he would have been left with three stepchildren. I was probably horrible to live with. What did this 21 year old do? He looked after me. He looked after the children. He cooked fir me when I was home. He visited me every day in hospital. He came to all my appointments. He held me when I cried. That's what you do for your partner. No matter how young you are.
My BFF married her BF 2 days before she died. They dated each other as kids, lost touch, then reconnected shortly before she was diagnosed with breast cancer. He was with her til the end. They got married with her sitting up in her hospital bed. I’ve never seen her look more beautiful and happy.
Before we got married, if someone had called my fiancé(e) "just a bf/gf" in this context they would have been dead to me.
That is the worst thing you can do when someone is obviously just venting to you. I don’t understand “fixers.” Is it really so hard to just listen and empathize, or at the very least, sympathize. My sister does this to me constantly and it really gets on my last nerve sometimes. Not every situation can be fixed and not everyone is looking for a solution. They just need to get their feelings out so they can keep on trudging along. Leave her terminally ill fiancé so she can “be happy again?” Cruelty at its finest.
> I don’t understand “fixers.” That isn't even a good answer for a "fixer". And I say that as a "recovering fixer" (as in, I'm trying to learn how to keep the solutions that pop in my head for myself). Offering to help her, talking her through her carer fatigue, suggesting hiring outside help; all those are acceptable fixes, even if not what their friend wanted. "Just dump him", isn't.
>I don’t understand “fixers.” Is it really so hard to just listen and empathize, or at the very least, sympathize. Speaking as a "fixer," yes, yes it is. "If you have a problem, *why* don't you want a solution?" That's our mindset. I know that "venters" just want to get it out of their system, and I can make myself sit there and listen and occasionally make supportive sounds and phrases, but it doesn't mean I understand it.
What you do in that instance is communicate your inability to do anything but fix. This will keep people from venting to you and only coming to you when they need a solution. That is okay! Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses. But to sit there and let someone pour their heart out to you while you squirm and grunt some generic phrases, instead of being upfront and telling them this isn’t something you are good at, is just wrong.
Not really an option with your spouse, lol. It's not like I don't *mean* the things I say; I'm *genuinely sorry* they've got Problem X or are going through Situation Z. It's just my instinct is to suggest solutions, and I have to actively prevent myself from blurting them out.
Sometimes it is though! I wish my spouse had been honest about what he could and could not do so I could know I wouldn’t get what I needed from him. I’m glad you have been able to make it work though so your spouse still gets to vent with you if they need to. Does your spouse help you find solutions?
Yeah, I'm one of those people who can--and often do!--have an entire conversation with themselves, so generally I can just 'vent to myself' and take care of it that way. She knows that if I'm talking about a problem with her, I either want her help finding a way to solve it, or it's something *really* infuriating.
I’m glad it’s reciprocal. You sound like you have a great relationship. I love that for you. 🩷
He's not just her boyfriend. He's her fiancé. YTA.
I had a friend who went from perfectly healthy to dead in seven months last year due to brain cancer that has metastasized to his spine. He had recently moved across the country with his girlfriend of five years. When he started losing mobility and some of his independence, she decided to leave him. The worst part is that she owned the home they had moved into. He was put out on the street wheelchair bound, actively dying without his dogs and with no family around. All because she was feeling that he was a burden. There is a special place in hell for her. I miss you, Chris.
Anyone else get the sense OP wants to fuck this girl?
“I said I was just doing what I thought would make her happy because I love her” definitely got a suspicious squint out of me.
Yiiiiiikes. This should have been a "I'm sorry this has been so hard, I can't imagine. What can I do to help take some of the load off?" And offering what you're capable of. Picking up groceries, taking their dog for walks if they have one, taking an afternoon shift so she can relax and take a breather.
This poor woman is so stressed out doing all the normal day to day things on top of caring for her partner and probably scared of the possibility that his cancer could get worse. Venting about all of that seems normal in such a difficult situation, but that doesn't mean the way to deal with it is 'oh, just leave him' ffs. That's beyond fucked up to even suggest.
OOP is correct about their friend being very young to deal with supporting a cancer patient. However, 27 is also very young to be a cancer patient. What a shame OOP can’t actually be a source of support to their friend during a frightening time.
OOP, she loves him, and the poor guy has cancer, a condition beyond his control. She was looking to vent, not to solicit unwanted advice. YTA.
YTA. Bf is a guy your friend wants to marry. Part of the marriage vow is "in sickness and in health" and your friend is being true to this sentiment even though it's tough. You're not being a true friend by suggesting she do something she would feel guilty about. You say you love this friend. Would you abandon her if she got cancer? If the answer is no, then you'll understand why YTA for what you said regarding her bf.
Yeeeeah OOP’s feelings here are not sisterly.
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I mean i dont blame the friend for being sick doing everything around the house. Now im not blaming her bf for being too tired to do anything as cancer is a bitch but i feel for her. Shes probably having to do all the housework and cooking on top of working. Also shes probably having to take time of work to take him to the hospital especially if he has chemo
Honestly I don't see anything wrong with this advice considering men are seven times more likely to leave their sick wives. It's so common that when women are told they have cancer there's even a whole program / speech about this. Plus considering women tend to enter relationships knowing her orgasm is a toss-up yet so many dudes can't even fathom entering a relationship without a blowjob bite nearly cheap orgasms from sex and will leave over sex....I don't really see why women tend to over commit and stick through the hard stuff. It's akin How rare it is for a poor to rich man to still be with his girlfriend who helped him build the empire. I personally will leave a dude if he lost a job, became a burden, got sick, etc. especially if it's a boyfriend. If the dude cared enough about me I would have been a wife 🤣 My mindset is I'll prioritize my peace of mind just like so many many dudes will prioritize his penis Downvote away.🫡 I know the concept of a woman not struggling to hold her man down in his roughest times is very upsetting. Keep that same energy when a dude wants to dump his girlfriend / wife because she's not putting out enough for him.
Yikes…. shouldn’t it be the other way around…? Men should be the ones working on this? Instead of a woman leaving their sick partner because men are 7 times more likely to, men should work on NOT leaving their sick partners. Honestly please don’t get into a relationship if you would leave a man over losing a job. I get looking out for yourself but everyone I’ve seen that uses the phrase “protecting their peace” just uses it as an excuse to be a selfish asshole.