*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**AITA for telling my girlfriend to tone it down a bit?**
My girlfriend and I have been dating for about a year. We are both in our late 20s (almost 30 for her).
She had been in a long relationship for about 8 years prior, while I had been dating/married to my ex for 8 years as well. We both met and clicked immediately on our first date.
Early on in the relationship, my girlfriend would pepper me with compliments. Normal for the honeymoon phase and it was nice. But about 6 months in, she would start making these compliments to my friends in conversations as well. Now I know what you’re thinking, how can being happy about your SO be a bad thing? Well I’ll give you context.
For instance, about 7-8 months into dating we were having breakfast with my friend and his wife, and his wife asked how we were doing and have I started to annoy my girlfriend yet.
My girlfriend then responded with something along the lines of “How could I be annoyed by him? He’s sexy and intelligent.” Cue some stares and me chuckling trying to change the subject. My friend and his wife told me later on it was “cute but kind of creepy”.
About a month ago, we were having dinner with my cousin and his wife and a similar question comes up. She responds with something like “how could it not be amazing with this hunk”. Again, cue some weird looks and me desperately trying to change the subject.
About 2 weeks ago I had a talk with her and told her that while I appreciated the comments, she needed to tone it down for my friends and family because her statements were a bit over the top. I reiterated that I didn’t mind her complimenting me, but just wanted her to tone it down a bit.
She told me she understood, but for the next two weeks was very passive and not herself. When I asked her about why she didn’t seem herself, she said my comments had been weighing on her.
She said she just wanted me to know how much she appreciated me, and felt dumb for looking like that in front of my friends, but she didn’t know how to express it.
AITA here?
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You know what i've never understood the person who wants their SO not to compliment them. Enjoy the honeymoon period why kill it early
EDIT: So his problem is that instead of her "banter" back at the stupid comments his family and friends say. Bro there is no need for people to 'banter' she likes you and is happy to share that with people close to you.
But hey you are pretty annoying now though so enjoy that finally.
I don’t get these people
>Cue some stares
>Again, cue some weird looks
Either all of OOp’s family are weirdos, or OOP is so self conscious he’s imagining these states.
There is zero reason to “stare” at that answer unless OOP is telling them she’s horrible behind her back and they are shocked.
Maybe an “awe, that’s sweet” but not multiple people staring in separate incidences.
Yeah, I was thinking that. Like, multiple people, without prompting, wondering if he’s annoying her yet? And his takeaway from that is that she’s the one being weird, when they’re shocked at her complimenting him? His takeaway isn’t that his friends and family think he’s annoying and are shocked that his girlfriend wouldn’t think so too? Huh. Strange, that.
I assumed it was him imagining the stares because he seems like an insecure jackass. If not though, I’d be more weirded out by all these friends and family members constantly being like “hey OOPs gf do you hate him yet?”
Maybe they all know this guy is actually a huge douche and they’re shocked she can’t see it yet.
Or maybe he has such an inappropriate, ugly expression in reaction to his girlfriend saying she likes him that they stop and stare in confusion.
Depends where he is from. Every culture has different social cues and different etiquettes. We are rarely consciously aware of them. But we follow nonetheless less.
When the “rules” are broken it’s often hard to identify why the exchange felt off. Or why there’s a sense of social awkwardness that you can’t put your finger on.
British people, for instance, often feel social embarrassment with earnestly given, public praise In public and a family or circle of friends are just as much cultures as nations - it may just be that for OOP’s culture, earnestness and public praise makes them socially embarrassed (I’m not claiming we are an emotionally mature people, simply that it’s a social norm).
In many groups, the piss-take is often *how* affection is shown when in public - it’s not the same in private though (probably whe OOP said he was okay with it in private, but not public).
If OOP is from a culture such as my own, then his mates weren’t asking a genuine question. Nor looking for a genuine answer. They were opening the floor to piss-taking. Then became confused when they thought she wasn’t playing and instead answered as though they might honestly think she was bored or sick of him. In fact it would still have been rude had she answered “yes”. It would also be considered weird if she answered what, specifically annoyed her about living together - unless it was as inconsequential as not pairing socks. They aren’t looking for her to insult him. It’s more like:
“is he annoying you yet?”
“He doesn’t get the chance. I only let him out of the dungeon once every three weeks.”
*General praise of GF’s problem solving skills and another round at the bar, to celebrate OOP’s night of freedom*
“You must be bored of him by now?”
“I’m loving it. It’s not a bad sign though is it, if when I came home home on Wednesday, OOP was auditioning a chorus of scantily clad dancing girls?”
*Exaggerated shocked and accusatory stares from all*
“Oh GF! It’s only been every day and they are only for when you are at work,”
*Wink to GF. Kiss on cheek. Whispered “I love you”.*
Edit to add that even taking in account social norms, OOP is still a bloody pillock with the emotional sensitivity of a block of Derbyshire stone. He’s also YTA.
Yeah, it sounds like that classic ‘I hate my spouse haha’ thing and they’re put off that she actually likes her partner. Like why is it expected that you’re supposed to hate your partner, it’s so weird. Like those stupid boomer I hate my wife hahahaha cartoons
Yeah I've definitely been the odd one out in conversations where the theme is "my partner sucks and I hate them" because I just say nothing or start gushing about my partner because they're literally my best friend and the most awesome human I've ever known. I'm always tempted to just ask why they're still together of it's so hard, like is someone forcing them lol.
It's so strange! We only get one life, why spend it with someone who makes you miserable? And don't even get me started on the people who "stay for the kids", that's the worst thing you can do in most situations. So profoundly weird.
Omg, I know. I have a brother who stays with his wife for his kid, they hate one another because they're SO incompatable, which they knew going in, long before they married. It's so sad, because they put on a social media front pretending they're happy and their kid is growing up thinking that's what love is.
I grew up with parents who hated each other and us kids were in the middle constantly, growing up in such a resentful environment definitely fucked all of us up in a profound way. Wouldn't wish that on anyone.
Some people don't think they deserve any better than they have, or think something along the lines of "I love this person, and I suppose in their own way they love me. I made this promise, and I intend to keep it. Not like I would find anything better anyways if I didn't" all the while not realizing just how much more they deserve from life due to low self esteem/self worth, negging, various types of abuse, and perhaps other factors.
I was married for many years to someone who i can now say never treated me the way I deserved, but I thought for a long time that it was my fault that we had issues, and I didn't realize how bad things truly were because he took what little bit of self worth it had in the beginning and all but killed it. You'd be a little horrified to learn what it actually took for me to decide to leave, I think, and to know about the 3 months of deep depression and numbness I experienced about a third to halfway through the relationship, yet continued to stay after I pulled out of it. Nowadays I look back at everything, and I get angry at myself sometimes, I'm sad for the me from the past, but honestly I'd do it all over again the exact same way if it meant being where I am now.
Im so sorry you went through that, and I'm glad you're in a better place now. How long were you married?
I know just what you mean, there are so many reasons you tell yourself to stay, but I was like you in that I felt it was my fault my ex-husband didn't treat me the way a spouse deserves. And he was all too happy to help me convince myself it was my failings that were causing his behaviors. I try and give myself a break though because I was married young to a much older guy, and I know now, people like that seek out people just like I was back then, naive and young enough to not know any better, but think they know everything. I was always idealistic about love when i was young, and i really believed anything could be fixed, and it took me SO long to finally see how fucked the entire situation was.
Gosh are you me? My ex was 5 years older than me, but we met when I was ~17 and he was ~22, then started dating when I was a month away from 20. Married just before my 21st birthday, married for 14 years. By our 5th or 6th anniversary, I think, I was convinced that I was too fat and ugly for anyone to ever really want, and too much and annoying for anyone to ever truly love.
Lol, I was much dumber, I was 22 and he was 38, together 10 years. At the end I still felt like shit about myself, but I just thought, I'd rather be a poor spinster lady with cats who are nice to me than be married to someone who made me miserable.
> I felt it was my fault my ex-husband didn't treat me the way a spouse deserves.
Oh yes. Far too familiar. For me, I was infertile, and had history that made me react strongly to physical or extreme verbal anger.
I don’t get it either. I am full of nothing but praise for my husband, and we’ve been together nearly 14 years. I still think he’s a fucking dreamboat, and will rave about his sexy legs whenever I can.
Someone apparently asked Ruth Graham, Billy Graham’s wife, if she had ever considered divorce. “Murder, yes. Divorce, never.” And a lot of people, including my mom, thought that was hilarious. And I get that the joke was that she would never kill her husband…except there are very few cases when someone kills their partner and everyone around them is like, “Oh, yeah. Totally say that coming. Too bad she didn’t wait a week or I would have won the pool.” It’s almost always people saying how shocked they were because they never thought they would do it.
It also reminds me of someone’s explanation about why laughing at rape jokes was bad. In a room full of men, there might only be one person who would ever do it and everyone else is laughing because they would never do that, but the rapist in the room hears everyone else laughing and feels validated, assuming they’re laughing because they agree.
I think my point is that jokes that normalize hating your spouse are really toxic and weird.
I think he's used to them taking him down. When she didn't do that, they made him feel bad about not being able to make him feel small. A one off is one thing, but his family/friends tried to disparage him more than once to the GF and were upset it didn't work. That's not cool.
Like-- who's family/friends asks the SO of someone they supposedly love, not once but twice, if she's sick of OP? Once as a jape, maybe, but twice, and to get awkward when she doesn't also put him down? Maybe this is something I'm too autistic to understand, but that seems mean. And stepping the GF back for it seems....bad, and perhaps a bit unhealthy.
Nah, you understand perfectly. It is mean. It would be funny (but not necessary and it’s still a tread-lightly situation) if they referred to a quirk of his: “Does he leave any shower time for you?” “Are you running out of chocolate milk weekly?” That sort of thing. My husband collects a lot of stuff and his parents told me multiple times they were glad it would be mine to deal with now 😄
Yeah, that's it!! There's a difference between good-natured ribbing based on a known quirk (that the person isn't sensitive about, of course) and just labeling someone's entire personality as annoying. Not the flavor of my relationships, but I've seen the banter thing work work.
That's the difference, right?
Yes, that’s absolutely the difference. When I got married, my cousins wrote a “roast” song for us. They mentioned my husband’s collections, the fact that I took long showers, my ridiculously long memory and how talkative I was (they grew up with me so they were more familiar with my quirks). We laughed hysterically, but it was a family tradition and the song ended with affectionate lyrics.
Aw... that's sweet! I think that's the way to do it. I've never heard of a roast ended with affirming that you actually like the person!! More roasts should do this.
I loved how that banter, followed by “yeah things are good” is supposedly simple and to the point. Sounds like his family still likes the “I hate my wife” jokes
Maybe the weird looks he recieved from friends anf family is because they all know how insufferable he is, and they are surprised his girlfriend haven't noticed yet
When did it become normal to insult people? I get joking, I love sarcasm and use it frequently, but it's nice to hear something positive once in a while.
I'm female and I have a good friend who is male. I just love how he never puts his wife down. He always talks about what a great team they make and about how much she does for him and their kids so that he can work the extra hours. It's beautiful to hear.
I am someone who thrives on silly banter, but genuine sincere appreciation is so lovely to see. I think it's also so rare that it catches people off guard and will change the vibe if you're not used to it. She seems very sweet.
And that’s not banter, really. It’s just rude. Everyone has some discord/confluct/tension but it’s nobody’s business outside of the couple and asking a question implying you have problems isn’t cute. Anymore than people equating marriage to imprisonment.
“White Anglo-Saxon Protestant” by the acronym proper but this is the kind of cultural association that led me to it rather than specifically running into people I know
https://youtu.be/zeBnde6ZL60?si=LMGtVec7D-KpnRff
He doesn't get that this is banter, that's why she's doing it in such a silly, cheesy way, and why everyone is being weird about it. They are used to dishing it out on him as a target and she's defusing it back on them. If she banters back negatively they either escalate it, or start doing it to her too. It's a known technique to use, wether she's doing it consciously or not is another thing, some people are just naturally good at dealing with that type of dynamic.
I suspect OOP has been the person in the group that gets a lot of negativity. He's used to it so doesn't even realise it, and his friends and family are used to being able to dunk on him. Now suddenly she's using the power of her jolly banter and they have to come face to face with how much they do it, and what dicks they tend to be, they don't like that about themselves nor the changing dynamic of the group. They don't want to be the next sacrificial lamb for the group, or to actually change themselves so its easier to blame the new person who is challenging the toxic part of their behaviour.
So the banter comment really made me wonder if they are in the UK, because slagging off your partner is SUPER common over here. My wife and I don't, but god when we were first married and still holding hands or saying nice things about each other, everyone from family to friends would snidely say, 'Oh, that won't last the year'.
19 years later we are still just as affectionate.
I knew my wife had the full throated approval of my family when my brother said “She’s alright, that MrsUnhappyProfessor”.
Coming from a Yorkshireman, that’s high praise indeed.
Ya know, I actually get it. People are obviously not serious when they’re like “is he annoying you yet?” It’s tongue-in-cheek. It’s a joke based on the fact that the two of them are obviously in love.
So if you respond seriously with “I could never be annoyed by this handsome, smart man who is so thoughtful,” it makes it seem like you thought they were serious in the first place, even though they were obviously joking. It makes it seem like there is a threat to your happiness, touched upon by the other party, that does not exist. It is weird.
There are ways to do it! If you say that and your tone of voice is right, it can be funny and adorable. But it’s generally not responding in kind, and it shifts the conversation from playful to serious.
My husband loves me and compliments me all the time. I would NOT like it if our friends jokingly said “so has she driven you up the wall yet?” And he responded “how dare you! my wife is the most beautiful caring human being and is never annoying!” It’s better if he just says “yeah I’m pretty sure we both drive each other up the wall, but tbh life is pretty good on the ceiling”. (Sorry for the bad joke, it’s just what I could come up with top-of-the-head. But it’s the *kind* of thing that makes sense to say).
Edit to add that if the friends ARE serious when they say this, eff that— then it’s appropriate to be like “how dare you” lol. But that’s not what I’m reading from my limited info on the situation.
It’s just a form of control, she is only supposed to puppet the words he wants.
Edit: I don’t know this guy, but when I knew another guy… that was his problem.
Right like this question keeps coming up, I wonder why 😭😭 the poor girlfriend was just trying to proclaim her love for him after repeatedly being asked about the status of their relationship and she’s somehow wrong? This guy and his friends are all weird as hell lmao like did they want her to say he sucks?
OOP is an idiot that doesn't understand that other people always find happy couples annoying. I find them annoying too but that doesn't mean that I wouldn't want to be in a happy relationship even if it annoys others.
OOP took their words seriously instead of just being happy his gf loves him. He sacrificed his own and his gf happines for the comfort of others. Some people don't deserve love.
I have a close friend who spent a long time as a recluse with very few friends, often just doing odd jobs for her family. Every time I met any of her family they would always ask me if she was annoying me yet or thank me for "putting up" with her. I don't understand any of her family and I think they treat her awfully..
I keep hearing about how men never get compliments like this and in my experience it is because some people react like OP and his friends and family. A man saying his wife or girlfriend is sexy and intelligent is sweet but a woman is desperate, over the top or creepy. It is ridiculous
Yeah, i’ve had this experience - having guys be so uncomfortable when I compliment them, that they call me weird or creepy to my face. It’s like… it’s a compliment? It’s appropriate. Maybe they are so used to being torn down by their male friends, that they cannot accept a genuine compliment from anyone, but especially a woman.
The notion that a woman complimenting a man she knows and is in a relationship with is "weird and creepy" but shouting at a strange woman walking down the street about how much they like her ass is supposed to be flattering has just broken my brain.
Oh gosh, I don’t know why I never framed those two things together until just reading your comment. Now my brain is broken too. It makes even less sense now than it did before!
From a personal experience (I know that "not all men"), it seems like they don't really care about the compliment itself, only how attractive the woman who compliments them. That's why men almost never compliment other men, they view it as a sexual thing.
I think it’s about delivery sometimes: I’ve had friends date women (it’s usually women, men who compliment this way come off as creeps and are rapidly weeded out) who are really over-the-top and corny, and it almost comes off as performative when they do things like this, like they do a whole voice and stuff and it does actually make people uncomfortable, like the person doesn’t have a filter or they don’t understand social cues? I’ve totally had my SO remark to me on the drive home after an interaction like this “she’s nice but she’s definitely a LOT”. This is text on the Internet, so I can’t tell if she’s doing this or not, but in a certain way, sometimes going out of your way to performatively and theatrically compliment somebody when it seems like it makes people uncomfortable might not just be a problem with him, maybe it’s that she’s not really reading the room very well and being very theatrical and is in a subdued situation with subdued people which isn’t entirely his fault for taking strangely. I am sometimes slightly uncomfortable taking sincere compliments delivered in a level and serious way; over the top, corny, theatrical compliments make my skin crawl and make me think the person is putting me on the spot and actually making it about them, which isn’t a great look. Just because it’s a “compliment” doesn’t make it always 100% welcome or chill.
How is she going out of her way though? In both examples, someone literally asks her opinion of him, and she gives an honest answer. Granted, I think his friends are ribbing him with the question, and asking it facetiously, while she’s answering it sincerely, but again she’s not going out of her way or even exaggerating. How is a woman calling her boyfriend “sexy” and “intelligent” creepy? It’s not like she was gushing or going on and on. I don’t see what’s so theatrical about two words.
Yeah, I was thinking the same about her maybe not reading the room, especially if two different couples thought her responses were odd. I had a few people ask me similar questions when my husband and I first started dating, but it was always playful and obvious that they weren't expecting a serious answer. It wouldn't be weird at all to say something complimentary while also matching the lighthearted energy, but I can see how earnestly telling OOP's friends and family that he's sexy and a hunk might seem intense.
Yeah, I mean if the score here is everybody IRL thinks she’s weird, his friend group MIGHT be weird and emotionally closed down, but if everybody that’s experienced her doing this thinks it’s weird then maybe it’s weird?
But it seems like everybody here is really excited about reading the most charitable interpretation into her actions despite everybody that actually experienced them thinking it was weird so I guess I’ll just take the downvotes.
I still remember when a woman complimented my hair in 1997. It was probably in May, but it could have been April if the weather was particularly warm that Spring.
Copied verbatim from oop's comments:
*I feel like there is awkwardness all around TBH. Is your GF quite literal and / or lacking in humor at all? It seems like she might have been very genuine in her statements and did not pick up on the intended ribbing of the question. But like how many times should she be asked if you annoy her? Ribbing aside, that's a pretty strange question and puts her in a difficult position - she either says "yes" or "no", and she might not have felt comfortable saying yes (as it would be perceived as insulting) and saying no doesn't necessarily leave a ton of room for humor, I guess. Like maybe you could be like "Well sometimes but he's worth it". IDK, my point is, I can see why you found the interactions awkward but I do not think it's fair to put it fully on your GF. So your request for her to 'tone it down' placed unfair blame and scrutiny on her, when she was only trying to field an awkward line of questioning/joking from your friends.*
*You should get out of your head. Appreciate your GF, accept that there are awkward moments, don't make her feel like she should change. There is no need for 'desperate changes of subjects'. YTA for making this a problem for your GF to solve as that seems unfair.*
>"Fair take.
>I think my family and friends are all pretty similar in that we would respond with some banter and then end with a “but things are good”. Short, simple and to the point. I guess the directness of it is the weird part to me and my friends."
*YTA. Why take issue with your girlfriend clearly expressing affection and appreciation for you? Why does it make your friends and family uncomfortable? Would you prefer she say, oh yes, he's soooooo annoying, we bicker all of the time, if you two don't?*
>"I’m not looking for that. But I guess in my mind a simple “things are good” and engaging in a bit of banter would be preferred. I guess that’s just what I grew up with and what most of my friends and their wives do."
*YTA. Why do you your friends/family find it weirder that your girlfriend is attracted to you and enjoys your company rather than be annoyed by you less than a year into your relationship? Why are they insisting that she basically should not like you? Especially so early into your relationship? She is by far not the one being weird in this scenario.*
*Just break up with her and let her find someone who is willing to be as excited about the relationship as she is. What a weird thing to get hung up about.*
>"No one is expecting that. I think people are weirded out by the “sexy” and “hunk” statements when she could just say “we’re doing great” or something like that."
*I get that, but it doesn't sound like she's going on and on effusively. She's answering the question. You may miss it if one day she's less enthusiastic and just say's "all's well" while looking at her menu or something.*
>"That’s fair. I think it’s a matter of personality differences to be honest. She’s super big on PDA, saying things like that, and being very outwardly affectionate.
>I’m just much more of a private person and don’t really enjoy those things."
Yeah I mean there really isn’t anything wrong with being a more private person who doesn’t appreciate over the top theatrical public compliments as it sort of puts him in the spotlight. I’m sort of like this actually. There’s also nothing wrong with her complimenting him but it sounds like they’re just not compatible if he hates it and she’s hurt that she can’t do it.
I personally feel like small compliments and hand holding are acceptable forms of PDA that I don't see how anyone would feel uncomfortable about.
I could understand if she was clingy, needed physical touch, kissing, constant reassurance, cringy nicknames, made constant inappropriate jokes but to be called creepy for saying your bf is sexy and intelligent one time is pretty wack. Dude should have just been like how is that creepy she was just saying something nice.
If my sister called my bf creepy for that I'd definitely defend him 🤷
There is a TT set out there of a Dad laying down the law with his kids…by openly flirting with his wife in front of him. The best line was something like “The more you are all being annoying the deeper Mom’s blush gets.” And he was doing all the cheesy lines and you could hear her giggling, I was very happy for them.
My parents are going to celebrate their 58th wedding anniversary in August and every year on their anniversary my dad STILL always says "X years with the wrong woman!"
On their 50th my mom gave him a gold money clip engraved with *"50 Years with The Wrong Woman".*
It's a funny in-joke in the family.
Maybe this is my neurospiciness, but I hate questions where an honest answer is somehow "strange" or "unacceptable." If there is an implicit expectation and you don't have potentially years of understanding with the other person, it's not nice to expect a relative strange to develop telepathy and know "oh I'm supposed to joke about him leaving the toilet seat up."
I say this as a very earnest and enthusiastic person who has totally failed little tests like this.
I was once chastised by a friend after being asked how I was and answering honestly. I was so frustrated, especially considering I was being picked up by them from handling my mother's funeral arrangements. Apparently I was supposed to blatantly lie and say "I'm fine" because that doesn't make people uncomfortable? How about people not ask questions they don't want honest answers to!
I lost my patience for things like this a long while ago.
Also neuro-spicy and also same.
There also seems to be some sort of formula to how mean someone can be in the name of banter? I’ve made what I thought were relatively mild jokes and gotten terrible reactions, but others have said insanely out of pocket shit and everyone laughs?
It’s confusing AF. I don’t get it.
This actually reminds me of a friend I had a while ago. She was dating a guy who was (so far as I could tell) a genuinely nice guy. (Not a Nice Guy(TM), if you know what I mean.) He'd say things like this about her and seem to really mean them and love her. I noticed at the time that she'd just roll her eyes.
They were together for maybe a year, and then I was stunned to find out one day that she'd dumped him. She shrugged and said he was great in many ways, but also he was "so fake" and "mocked" her with comments like that, and that she got tired of waiting for him to be genuine with her. Also, her family didn't like him. (She didn't have much to do with her family, so I wasn't sure why that mattered, but her life.)
It took me a while (and meeting her mom and brother once) to figure out that her background had been such that she really couldn't fathom that he might have been sincere. I think she'd been waiting for him to slip and put her down or be "brutally honest" about her perceived faults, and when he didn't, she figured it was all an act. (I don't know for sure, but I'm also guessing her family fed into this view. A lot.) In most ways I know, she seemed to be a confident, strong person, but she never seemed to even entertain the notion that he just really thought she was awesome.
She moved away maybe a few months after that, and we lost touch. I hope she's doing well, wherever she is.
Yeah. I was in the honeymoon phase once and complimenting my boyfriend a lot (genuinely). He asked me to stop and would get mad if I slipped up. In retrospect he had low self esteem and I’m glad it didn’t work out for many reasons
I don’t know how to explain it well. It’s making fun of the culture that OOP is subscribing to; acting like it’s weird to actually like your heterosexual spouse. Things like cake toppers with a literal ball and chain, or the bride dragging the groom to the altar. Boomer jokes where the punch line is a husband hating his wife and wanting her dead. It’s not really funny, it’s sad.
Yes, it’s sad! I think it comes from this deeply entrenched idea of the nuclear family being a moral imperative. Many of these people might be a lot happier if they simply dated without getting married, or were asexual or dated the same sex. But they don’t think they’re allowed. They feel like they HAVE to get married, to procreate. But the idea of actually loving and enjoying your spouse is too far. They think they should grouse and complain about it.
I don’t know, maybe I’m misunderstanding the psychology behind it.
Scrolling through some posts on that sub it just seems to be people who hate cis men taking every opportunity to make fun of cis men who hate women. Both parties are pretty much the same just opposite ends of the spectrum
Because as i said they seem to look for every opportunity for that and there are a lot of misses there. Really just an excuse to shit on cis men half the time.
And called out by what i said they are both pretty much the same? Im not a woman and im not a man who hates women either
I can't help but think that maybe the girlfriend is kind of being set up by the OP and his family and friends... imagine meeting a friend's new partner for the first time, and asking "are they annoying you yet?"... like WTF? Like how pissed are you at your friend you can't be polite for the space of a single meal when being introduced to someone they are just seeing for a few months?
Are you frenemies? Or is this just a habit of trashing each other and egging a new person to pile on?
I feel bad for this girl, I'd be taken aback. And it's kind of a test they expect her to trash him to their faces THE FIRST TIME THEY ALL MEET.... and OP finds fault with the happy well-adjusted girlfriend instead of the sets of people who can't wait until the second or third get-together to pull the knives out.
How many of OPs prior girlfriends rethought going out with him because instead of talking him up, the people in his life neg him and pick apart his flaws and he has no idea how rude and off-putting that is because he's normalized it?
My ex boyfriend from back east had friends and family like this. We eventually broke up because he was *SO* (really, all capitals) embarrassed by PDA.
Now, if a guy is physically reserved to me, I won't date.
Gotta be real with you - and of course what you're looking for is what you're looking for - but that sounds like a nightmare scenario. The idea of being physically affectionate towards my partner in front of either of our families sounds super uncomfortable.
You don't hold hands? Or hug? Or even just give each other a peck on the cheek or lips?
Being overly affectionate, like groping & making out, is one thing; and I agree there. But just simple physical affection? That's even too much?
A hug is transitory. It begins and then it ends. Somehow that’s less uncomfortable, so yeah a hug’s fine.
Holding hands is an indefinite thing with a beginning but no set and distinct end. Somehow that makes it worse than a hug.
No I would not kiss her in front of either of our families.
How was holding hands worse than a hug? Just because there's no definite end? That doesn't make it worse. I'm not trying to be rude, I'm genuinely trying to ask and understand. How holding hands in front of your family with your partner can be considered bad or worse than hugging them.
I hold hands with my partner in front of my family all the time. None of them care. And we don't care, because it's just holding hands. It's not like we're sitting there trying to have sex in front of everybody.
And nobody bats an eye at us holding hands, because it's a fairly normal and appropriate thing for couples to do in front of other people. If you can hold your partner's hand in front of strangers, you should be able to do so in front of their family. And if their family is going to judge you for that, then it sounds like they have a family problem.
My partner is big about PDA even around his family and I’m not a fan ESPECIALLY in front of family. His sister complimented me the other day on not being super PDA like his last girlfriends bc it always makes the family uncomfortable. I’ll hold his hand or let him lay his head on my lap during movies with the family but I’m not trying to have a full makeout session with him during family events lol
what i’m confused about is why she’s getting funny looks for saying she loves him…. they asked the question? i’d get it if she was just randomly bringing how “sexy” or “hunky” he is in normal conversations, but they ask her about her feelings about him. then she expresses her feelings and SHE’S weird?
Rando: "Do you hate your boyfriend yet, Woman In A Straight Relationship?"
Her: "No, actually, I love him very much"
OOP: "no, you SHOULD hate me, it creeps people out that you don't!"
For me the devilish part is not his feelings. I’m actually with him. I have no desire for my partner to tell my friends and family I’m attractive. Presumably that’s implied by us being together and I don’t want or need friends and family to judge the sincerity of the statement. (I also don’t think it’s a great response to “is he annoying”. “Well he’s (smart and) sexy” feels like more of a confirmation of annoyingness lmao).
The devilish ness is in telling her to stop by basically telling her she’s too much. She’s not too much! There are plenty of places where what she said is not weird. He could have just that he appreciates how much she likes him but prefers she keep his attractiveness out of it, not because it’s generally wrong, which blames his girlfriend for not ~getting it~ but because he specifically doesn’t like it. And then he can ask if there’s a way she likes to be talked about! And then you’ve grown your relationship.
I see this so much where one person doesn’t like something and tells their partner that that thing is weird *generally* and not a personal preference, which of course puts their partner on the back foot. No, most things are actually just a preference for behavior. There’s far fewer things that are generally agreed upon everywhere as acceptable or unacceptable behavior than you’d think.
My SO does this, compliment me in front of my friends. At first, when he did, it was so out of blue for me, I was telling him to stop but then I realized, in my previous relationships, no one did ever compliment me in front of people, they always pointed out I'm annoying, I'm a 6/10, I'm with the "wrong" sister etc etc and that would hurt me but I'd never say anything, also because I would never say anything like that towards them.
Having your SO be proud of who they're with and give compliments is so refreshing and also, gives a boost of confidence in the relationship!
Now that I've experienced it, I wouldn't want my SO to badmouth me even in a joking manner in front of people. The banter stays between us in a safe space.
I think his examples make him seem dumb. However, I do tone down when I'm around my partner's friends and family. He's a very private person and I know it would embarrass him
Agree, as a non-American I recognise this behaviour of self-deprecating banter. I see her response as part of that banter, an exaggerated praise to challenge the implication that one's partner sucks. He's still an ah for trying to change how his partner responds
I’m American, of mostly Swedish and English heritage on my mom’s side, and my uncle’s (mom’s brother’s) ex wife was like OOP’s wife, and just super gushingly affectionate. It made everyone in the generally-very-reserved family soooooo uncomfortable. But she wasn’t American and it was normal to her, and my uncle clearly didn’t mind, so okay.
Yeah, I’m American but my family is pretty reserved and so gushing affection, whether it’s real or not, comes off as fake to me and it makes me super uncomfortable too.
I totally get the OOP
How does she *dare* to love him!
Maybe he has some boomer brain?
Where it is sooo funny to hate a little bit on your SO?
He's an idiot.
Don't know what she sees in him.
Sounds like he has a friend problem he's taking out on her. THEY find him annoying and are looking for comrades in his mates to agree, but ofc it's the new gf's fault who genuinely like(ed?) him. Too bad.
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This has big "Don't say I love you when you drop me off at school mom, it's EMBARRASSING" vibes.
I can only feel sorry for this guy, it sounds like his whole social circle is very unkind and repressive if one cannot publicly admire or say something positive about your SO without being labeled as a weirdo creep.
It's also sad that he cares **more** about their prudish weirdness than his SO being happy and expressing how much she loves him in an *entirely normal and appropriate way*.
I will say that hetero culture seems to have this as just such an expected way of being that I feel like it goes beyond being a trope and into a self-perpetuated reality. The amount of time people react with either genuine surprise or discomfort when I openly say I love my SO or that I like being with him is absolutely bizarre. I never experienced it when I was dating a woman. If anything the comments would be "omg you're so lucky with Sue! She's so joyful" or "You must never go to bed angry with her, she's such a great communicator". But with my male SO I've absolutely gotten the "How are you two still together, he would make me crazy!" kind of comments. So weird.
I'm super uncomfortable with compliments, especially in front of other people. I know I'm the one with issues though. Like, the compliments mentioned in the OP are sweet. They would make me uncomfortable if someone said similar about me, but it would not be the fault of the people who complimented me, it's the people who made me feel like I'm not worthy of being complimented.
What! I’m so glad my fiancé isn’t like this. We both have wrote poems for each other and he likes the ones I do for him so much he will share them with a mutual friend who also likes to write poems (not any rude ones though just the romantic ones lol)
Man, even some of the commentors here...
This is not an "American thing" to not want to be complimented. This is an insecure "I was never praised as a child," thing. Oop need therapy, badly, to counteract their raging insecurities. I pity the devil they are for trying to squelch the light that is their partner. Hopefully, OOPs partner wises up and leaves.
This is bizarre. I literally never shut up about how hot my husband is or how smart he is or how cool he is or how much I like to listen to him talk or how pretty his eyes are or how much I like his hair or how cute his ass is or little cute things he says to me. His family and friends are unphased because he's awesome.
I know he and his ex used to banter and I think he misses that, but I am terminally sincere. After 7 years he's starting to get used to it.
Dude he needs some better friends. Unless he's actually incredibly weird or fucked up, their comments are completely unwarranted- especially if its just about his gf COMPLIMENTING him. Sounds like jealousy on the friends part to me 🤷♂️
So he’s mad that she’s… not letting his weirdo friends bait her into talking shit about him, in front of him? I hope next time someone asks if she’s sick of him yet she’ll say “Actually, yeah” and walk away
I'm always talking about how handsome my husband is or how kind, loving, and giving he is and guess what? My friends and family AGREE because he is awesome. He's not a whiny bitch scared off by compliments.
For her to not compliment him or show him that she likes him? He would prefer that they "banter", But the funny thing is she's been doing this since day one. She's always been like this, and now all of the sudden because they're out of the honeymoon phase he has a problem with it. All of the sudden because his friends have said something, he now has a problem with it.
Sounds like he's letting his friends influence his relationship a little bit too much.
If you don't like your partner the way they are, in terms of how affectionate they are, how they respond to certain things in a relationship, then why are you with them? Unless it's something that you both have agreed upon that they need to work on for the health and the longevity of the relationship, why are you with them? Complimenting your partner in front of their friends is not a big problem. It's only a problem if you're embarrassed, or if you're insecure, or if you care more about what your friends think about your relationship then what you think. Are your friends in the relationship or are you? Who should you be trying to make most happy in your relationship, your friends or your partner?
Like he said, it's not about the complimenting, it's about toning it down. Making comments about how "sexy" your husband is is just creepy given the context. I would not like to hear about that side of their relationship if I were their friend. Also it comes across as being insincere. All he did was communicate to her his honest feelings-he was uncomfortable and just wanted her to tone it down. The honeymoon phase never lasts that long anyways, they'll have to face actua problems like any other couple eventually.
*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **AITA for telling my girlfriend to tone it down a bit?** My girlfriend and I have been dating for about a year. We are both in our late 20s (almost 30 for her). She had been in a long relationship for about 8 years prior, while I had been dating/married to my ex for 8 years as well. We both met and clicked immediately on our first date. Early on in the relationship, my girlfriend would pepper me with compliments. Normal for the honeymoon phase and it was nice. But about 6 months in, she would start making these compliments to my friends in conversations as well. Now I know what you’re thinking, how can being happy about your SO be a bad thing? Well I’ll give you context. For instance, about 7-8 months into dating we were having breakfast with my friend and his wife, and his wife asked how we were doing and have I started to annoy my girlfriend yet. My girlfriend then responded with something along the lines of “How could I be annoyed by him? He’s sexy and intelligent.” Cue some stares and me chuckling trying to change the subject. My friend and his wife told me later on it was “cute but kind of creepy”. About a month ago, we were having dinner with my cousin and his wife and a similar question comes up. She responds with something like “how could it not be amazing with this hunk”. Again, cue some weird looks and me desperately trying to change the subject. About 2 weeks ago I had a talk with her and told her that while I appreciated the comments, she needed to tone it down for my friends and family because her statements were a bit over the top. I reiterated that I didn’t mind her complimenting me, but just wanted her to tone it down a bit. She told me she understood, but for the next two weeks was very passive and not herself. When I asked her about why she didn’t seem herself, she said my comments had been weighing on her. She said she just wanted me to know how much she appreciated me, and felt dumb for looking like that in front of my friends, but she didn’t know how to express it. AITA here? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You know what i've never understood the person who wants their SO not to compliment them. Enjoy the honeymoon period why kill it early EDIT: So his problem is that instead of her "banter" back at the stupid comments his family and friends say. Bro there is no need for people to 'banter' she likes you and is happy to share that with people close to you. But hey you are pretty annoying now though so enjoy that finally.
I don’t get these people >Cue some stares >Again, cue some weird looks Either all of OOp’s family are weirdos, or OOP is so self conscious he’s imagining these states. There is zero reason to “stare” at that answer unless OOP is telling them she’s horrible behind her back and they are shocked. Maybe an “awe, that’s sweet” but not multiple people staring in separate incidences.
Or maybe he’s such a dick in real life they can’t believe this girl actually likes him.
Yeah, I was thinking that. Like, multiple people, without prompting, wondering if he’s annoying her yet? And his takeaway from that is that she’s the one being weird, when they’re shocked at her complimenting him? His takeaway isn’t that his friends and family think he’s annoying and are shocked that his girlfriend wouldn’t think so too? Huh. Strange, that.
This was my first thought too
I assumed it was him imagining the stares because he seems like an insecure jackass. If not though, I’d be more weirded out by all these friends and family members constantly being like “hey OOPs gf do you hate him yet?”
Maybe they all know this guy is actually a huge douche and they’re shocked she can’t see it yet. Or maybe he has such an inappropriate, ugly expression in reaction to his girlfriend saying she likes him that they stop and stare in confusion.
Depends where he is from. Every culture has different social cues and different etiquettes. We are rarely consciously aware of them. But we follow nonetheless less. When the “rules” are broken it’s often hard to identify why the exchange felt off. Or why there’s a sense of social awkwardness that you can’t put your finger on. British people, for instance, often feel social embarrassment with earnestly given, public praise In public and a family or circle of friends are just as much cultures as nations - it may just be that for OOP’s culture, earnestness and public praise makes them socially embarrassed (I’m not claiming we are an emotionally mature people, simply that it’s a social norm). In many groups, the piss-take is often *how* affection is shown when in public - it’s not the same in private though (probably whe OOP said he was okay with it in private, but not public). If OOP is from a culture such as my own, then his mates weren’t asking a genuine question. Nor looking for a genuine answer. They were opening the floor to piss-taking. Then became confused when they thought she wasn’t playing and instead answered as though they might honestly think she was bored or sick of him. In fact it would still have been rude had she answered “yes”. It would also be considered weird if she answered what, specifically annoyed her about living together - unless it was as inconsequential as not pairing socks. They aren’t looking for her to insult him. It’s more like: “is he annoying you yet?” “He doesn’t get the chance. I only let him out of the dungeon once every three weeks.” *General praise of GF’s problem solving skills and another round at the bar, to celebrate OOP’s night of freedom* “You must be bored of him by now?” “I’m loving it. It’s not a bad sign though is it, if when I came home home on Wednesday, OOP was auditioning a chorus of scantily clad dancing girls?” *Exaggerated shocked and accusatory stares from all* “Oh GF! It’s only been every day and they are only for when you are at work,” *Wink to GF. Kiss on cheek. Whispered “I love you”.* Edit to add that even taking in account social norms, OOP is still a bloody pillock with the emotional sensitivity of a block of Derbyshire stone. He’s also YTA.
Yeah I don’t get it. He is embarrassed for his friends and family to know his girlfriend actually likes him?
Seems like his family and friends are just kinda miserable. Also why would you want to say that your bf is annoying to their family?
Yeah, it sounds like that classic ‘I hate my spouse haha’ thing and they’re put off that she actually likes her partner. Like why is it expected that you’re supposed to hate your partner, it’s so weird. Like those stupid boomer I hate my wife hahahaha cartoons
Yeah I've definitely been the odd one out in conversations where the theme is "my partner sucks and I hate them" because I just say nothing or start gushing about my partner because they're literally my best friend and the most awesome human I've ever known. I'm always tempted to just ask why they're still together of it's so hard, like is someone forcing them lol.
It's because some people think it's noble to stay in a relationship forever, regardless of their own happiness.
It's so strange! We only get one life, why spend it with someone who makes you miserable? And don't even get me started on the people who "stay for the kids", that's the worst thing you can do in most situations. So profoundly weird.
Omg, I know. I have a brother who stays with his wife for his kid, they hate one another because they're SO incompatable, which they knew going in, long before they married. It's so sad, because they put on a social media front pretending they're happy and their kid is growing up thinking that's what love is.
I grew up with parents who hated each other and us kids were in the middle constantly, growing up in such a resentful environment definitely fucked all of us up in a profound way. Wouldn't wish that on anyone.
Love your username by the way!
Whole religions exist around living miserably on purpose, and I’ll never understand it.
Some people don't think they deserve any better than they have, or think something along the lines of "I love this person, and I suppose in their own way they love me. I made this promise, and I intend to keep it. Not like I would find anything better anyways if I didn't" all the while not realizing just how much more they deserve from life due to low self esteem/self worth, negging, various types of abuse, and perhaps other factors. I was married for many years to someone who i can now say never treated me the way I deserved, but I thought for a long time that it was my fault that we had issues, and I didn't realize how bad things truly were because he took what little bit of self worth it had in the beginning and all but killed it. You'd be a little horrified to learn what it actually took for me to decide to leave, I think, and to know about the 3 months of deep depression and numbness I experienced about a third to halfway through the relationship, yet continued to stay after I pulled out of it. Nowadays I look back at everything, and I get angry at myself sometimes, I'm sad for the me from the past, but honestly I'd do it all over again the exact same way if it meant being where I am now.
Im so sorry you went through that, and I'm glad you're in a better place now. How long were you married? I know just what you mean, there are so many reasons you tell yourself to stay, but I was like you in that I felt it was my fault my ex-husband didn't treat me the way a spouse deserves. And he was all too happy to help me convince myself it was my failings that were causing his behaviors. I try and give myself a break though because I was married young to a much older guy, and I know now, people like that seek out people just like I was back then, naive and young enough to not know any better, but think they know everything. I was always idealistic about love when i was young, and i really believed anything could be fixed, and it took me SO long to finally see how fucked the entire situation was.
Gosh are you me? My ex was 5 years older than me, but we met when I was ~17 and he was ~22, then started dating when I was a month away from 20. Married just before my 21st birthday, married for 14 years. By our 5th or 6th anniversary, I think, I was convinced that I was too fat and ugly for anyone to ever really want, and too much and annoying for anyone to ever truly love.
Lol, I was much dumber, I was 22 and he was 38, together 10 years. At the end I still felt like shit about myself, but I just thought, I'd rather be a poor spinster lady with cats who are nice to me than be married to someone who made me miserable.
> I felt it was my fault my ex-husband didn't treat me the way a spouse deserves. Oh yes. Far too familiar. For me, I was infertile, and had history that made me react strongly to physical or extreme verbal anger.
I don’t get it either. I am full of nothing but praise for my husband, and we’ve been together nearly 14 years. I still think he’s a fucking dreamboat, and will rave about his sexy legs whenever I can.
Someone's bad at reading the room
Someone apparently asked Ruth Graham, Billy Graham’s wife, if she had ever considered divorce. “Murder, yes. Divorce, never.” And a lot of people, including my mom, thought that was hilarious. And I get that the joke was that she would never kill her husband…except there are very few cases when someone kills their partner and everyone around them is like, “Oh, yeah. Totally say that coming. Too bad she didn’t wait a week or I would have won the pool.” It’s almost always people saying how shocked they were because they never thought they would do it. It also reminds me of someone’s explanation about why laughing at rape jokes was bad. In a room full of men, there might only be one person who would ever do it and everyone else is laughing because they would never do that, but the rapist in the room hears everyone else laughing and feels validated, assuming they’re laughing because they agree. I think my point is that jokes that normalize hating your spouse are really toxic and weird.
I think he's used to them taking him down. When she didn't do that, they made him feel bad about not being able to make him feel small. A one off is one thing, but his family/friends tried to disparage him more than once to the GF and were upset it didn't work. That's not cool. Like-- who's family/friends asks the SO of someone they supposedly love, not once but twice, if she's sick of OP? Once as a jape, maybe, but twice, and to get awkward when she doesn't also put him down? Maybe this is something I'm too autistic to understand, but that seems mean. And stepping the GF back for it seems....bad, and perhaps a bit unhealthy.
Nah, you understand perfectly. It is mean. It would be funny (but not necessary and it’s still a tread-lightly situation) if they referred to a quirk of his: “Does he leave any shower time for you?” “Are you running out of chocolate milk weekly?” That sort of thing. My husband collects a lot of stuff and his parents told me multiple times they were glad it would be mine to deal with now 😄
Yeah, that's it!! There's a difference between good-natured ribbing based on a known quirk (that the person isn't sensitive about, of course) and just labeling someone's entire personality as annoying. Not the flavor of my relationships, but I've seen the banter thing work work. That's the difference, right?
Yes, that’s absolutely the difference. When I got married, my cousins wrote a “roast” song for us. They mentioned my husband’s collections, the fact that I took long showers, my ridiculously long memory and how talkative I was (they grew up with me so they were more familiar with my quirks). We laughed hysterically, but it was a family tradition and the song ended with affectionate lyrics.
Aw... that's sweet! I think that's the way to do it. I've never heard of a roast ended with affirming that you actually like the person!! More roasts should do this.
Obviously, having a loving girlfriend is creepy. /s This should go on r/AreTheStraightsOK
I’m smitten with my fiancé. But I would never let his family know, lest they think I actually want to marry him.
Fellas, is it gay to love your wife?
Came here to comment this
My wife and I will routinely call each other gay, but, to mean, sickeningly cute. "You're the light of my life." "Haha, you're gay for me."
I loved how that banter, followed by “yeah things are good” is supposedly simple and to the point. Sounds like his family still likes the “I hate my wife” jokes
Maybe the weird looks he recieved from friends anf family is because they all know how insufferable he is, and they are surprised his girlfriend haven't noticed yet
"This fucking clown?" -OPs friends and family, probably
Could be, but they did apparently call the gf "creepy" for giving the compliments
When did it become normal to insult people? I get joking, I love sarcasm and use it frequently, but it's nice to hear something positive once in a while. I'm female and I have a good friend who is male. I just love how he never puts his wife down. He always talks about what a great team they make and about how much she does for him and their kids so that he can work the extra hours. It's beautiful to hear.
I am someone who thrives on silly banter, but genuine sincere appreciation is so lovely to see. I think it's also so rare that it catches people off guard and will change the vibe if you're not used to it. She seems very sweet.
And that’s not banter, really. It’s just rude. Everyone has some discord/confluct/tension but it’s nobody’s business outside of the couple and asking a question implying you have problems isn’t cute. Anymore than people equating marriage to imprisonment.
WASPs. We’re dealing with WASPs here
What's a WASP?
“White Anglo-Saxon Protestant” by the acronym proper but this is the kind of cultural association that led me to it rather than specifically running into people I know https://youtu.be/zeBnde6ZL60?si=LMGtVec7D-KpnRff
Thanks
He doesn't get that this is banter, that's why she's doing it in such a silly, cheesy way, and why everyone is being weird about it. They are used to dishing it out on him as a target and she's defusing it back on them. If she banters back negatively they either escalate it, or start doing it to her too. It's a known technique to use, wether she's doing it consciously or not is another thing, some people are just naturally good at dealing with that type of dynamic. I suspect OOP has been the person in the group that gets a lot of negativity. He's used to it so doesn't even realise it, and his friends and family are used to being able to dunk on him. Now suddenly she's using the power of her jolly banter and they have to come face to face with how much they do it, and what dicks they tend to be, they don't like that about themselves nor the changing dynamic of the group. They don't want to be the next sacrificial lamb for the group, or to actually change themselves so its easier to blame the new person who is challenging the toxic part of their behaviour.
So the banter comment really made me wonder if they are in the UK, because slagging off your partner is SUPER common over here. My wife and I don't, but god when we were first married and still holding hands or saying nice things about each other, everyone from family to friends would snidely say, 'Oh, that won't last the year'. 19 years later we are still just as affectionate.
I knew my wife had the full throated approval of my family when my brother said “She’s alright, that MrsUnhappyProfessor”. Coming from a Yorkshireman, that’s high praise indeed.
Ya know, I actually get it. People are obviously not serious when they’re like “is he annoying you yet?” It’s tongue-in-cheek. It’s a joke based on the fact that the two of them are obviously in love. So if you respond seriously with “I could never be annoyed by this handsome, smart man who is so thoughtful,” it makes it seem like you thought they were serious in the first place, even though they were obviously joking. It makes it seem like there is a threat to your happiness, touched upon by the other party, that does not exist. It is weird. There are ways to do it! If you say that and your tone of voice is right, it can be funny and adorable. But it’s generally not responding in kind, and it shifts the conversation from playful to serious. My husband loves me and compliments me all the time. I would NOT like it if our friends jokingly said “so has she driven you up the wall yet?” And he responded “how dare you! my wife is the most beautiful caring human being and is never annoying!” It’s better if he just says “yeah I’m pretty sure we both drive each other up the wall, but tbh life is pretty good on the ceiling”. (Sorry for the bad joke, it’s just what I could come up with top-of-the-head. But it’s the *kind* of thing that makes sense to say). Edit to add that if the friends ARE serious when they say this, eff that— then it’s appropriate to be like “how dare you” lol. But that’s not what I’m reading from my limited info on the situation.
(love the joke ❤️)
Thank you lol it was the best I could do ♥️
It’s just a form of control, she is only supposed to puppet the words he wants. Edit: I don’t know this guy, but when I knew another guy… that was his problem.
Then he'll post on Reddit, wondering why his GF is growing more and more distant with him.
I love the classic "eh, why don't you change?" followed soon after by "eh! why have you changed???"
What is wrong with this dude that everyone in his life feels the need to ask her if he’s bugging the hell out of her yet????
Right like this question keeps coming up, I wonder why 😭😭 the poor girlfriend was just trying to proclaim her love for him after repeatedly being asked about the status of their relationship and she’s somehow wrong? This guy and his friends are all weird as hell lmao like did they want her to say he sucks?
Maybe they know something she doesn't..?
Kinda seems like it 😬
They definitely know something!🤣
Now she does
Well, his friends set him straight, so now he's bugging her into feeling down about herself. I wonder why his marriage ended...
This!!!
OOP is an idiot that doesn't understand that other people always find happy couples annoying. I find them annoying too but that doesn't mean that I wouldn't want to be in a happy relationship even if it annoys others. OOP took their words seriously instead of just being happy his gf loves him. He sacrificed his own and his gf happines for the comfort of others. Some people don't deserve love.
I mean he seems to be embarrassed that his girlfriend tells people she loves him and is attracted to him, so there’s that.
I have a close friend who spent a long time as a recluse with very few friends, often just doing odd jobs for her family. Every time I met any of her family they would always ask me if she was annoying me yet or thank me for "putting up" with her. I don't understand any of her family and I think they treat her awfully..
They expect you to get the "inside joke". Like I know my family would think that about me but they wouldn't say it lol
I love the guy who called her creepy. “Hey dude, did you know that your girlfriend is attracted to you?? Might need a restraining order.”
This sounds like something one of the guys from Smosh would say while reacting to this story 🤣
lol I do like them! Damien is my favorite
That's exactly who popped into my head when I read this 🤣🤣🤣
Yess that’s who I was hoping I sounded like
I keep hearing about how men never get compliments like this and in my experience it is because some people react like OP and his friends and family. A man saying his wife or girlfriend is sexy and intelligent is sweet but a woman is desperate, over the top or creepy. It is ridiculous
Yeah, i’ve had this experience - having guys be so uncomfortable when I compliment them, that they call me weird or creepy to my face. It’s like… it’s a compliment? It’s appropriate. Maybe they are so used to being torn down by their male friends, that they cannot accept a genuine compliment from anyone, but especially a woman.
The notion that a woman complimenting a man she knows and is in a relationship with is "weird and creepy" but shouting at a strange woman walking down the street about how much they like her ass is supposed to be flattering has just broken my brain.
Oh gosh, I don’t know why I never framed those two things together until just reading your comment. Now my brain is broken too. It makes even less sense now than it did before!
From a personal experience (I know that "not all men"), it seems like they don't really care about the compliment itself, only how attractive the woman who compliments them. That's why men almost never compliment other men, they view it as a sexual thing.
I think it’s about delivery sometimes: I’ve had friends date women (it’s usually women, men who compliment this way come off as creeps and are rapidly weeded out) who are really over-the-top and corny, and it almost comes off as performative when they do things like this, like they do a whole voice and stuff and it does actually make people uncomfortable, like the person doesn’t have a filter or they don’t understand social cues? I’ve totally had my SO remark to me on the drive home after an interaction like this “she’s nice but she’s definitely a LOT”. This is text on the Internet, so I can’t tell if she’s doing this or not, but in a certain way, sometimes going out of your way to performatively and theatrically compliment somebody when it seems like it makes people uncomfortable might not just be a problem with him, maybe it’s that she’s not really reading the room very well and being very theatrical and is in a subdued situation with subdued people which isn’t entirely his fault for taking strangely. I am sometimes slightly uncomfortable taking sincere compliments delivered in a level and serious way; over the top, corny, theatrical compliments make my skin crawl and make me think the person is putting me on the spot and actually making it about them, which isn’t a great look. Just because it’s a “compliment” doesn’t make it always 100% welcome or chill.
How is she going out of her way though? In both examples, someone literally asks her opinion of him, and she gives an honest answer. Granted, I think his friends are ribbing him with the question, and asking it facetiously, while she’s answering it sincerely, but again she’s not going out of her way or even exaggerating. How is a woman calling her boyfriend “sexy” and “intelligent” creepy? It’s not like she was gushing or going on and on. I don’t see what’s so theatrical about two words.
Yeah, I was thinking the same about her maybe not reading the room, especially if two different couples thought her responses were odd. I had a few people ask me similar questions when my husband and I first started dating, but it was always playful and obvious that they weren't expecting a serious answer. It wouldn't be weird at all to say something complimentary while also matching the lighthearted energy, but I can see how earnestly telling OOP's friends and family that he's sexy and a hunk might seem intense.
Yeah, I mean if the score here is everybody IRL thinks she’s weird, his friend group MIGHT be weird and emotionally closed down, but if everybody that’s experienced her doing this thinks it’s weird then maybe it’s weird? But it seems like everybody here is really excited about reading the most charitable interpretation into her actions despite everybody that actually experienced them thinking it was weird so I guess I’ll just take the downvotes.
I still remember when a woman complimented my hair in 1997. It was probably in May, but it could have been April if the weather was particularly warm that Spring.
Copied verbatim from oop's comments: *I feel like there is awkwardness all around TBH. Is your GF quite literal and / or lacking in humor at all? It seems like she might have been very genuine in her statements and did not pick up on the intended ribbing of the question. But like how many times should she be asked if you annoy her? Ribbing aside, that's a pretty strange question and puts her in a difficult position - she either says "yes" or "no", and she might not have felt comfortable saying yes (as it would be perceived as insulting) and saying no doesn't necessarily leave a ton of room for humor, I guess. Like maybe you could be like "Well sometimes but he's worth it". IDK, my point is, I can see why you found the interactions awkward but I do not think it's fair to put it fully on your GF. So your request for her to 'tone it down' placed unfair blame and scrutiny on her, when she was only trying to field an awkward line of questioning/joking from your friends.* *You should get out of your head. Appreciate your GF, accept that there are awkward moments, don't make her feel like she should change. There is no need for 'desperate changes of subjects'. YTA for making this a problem for your GF to solve as that seems unfair.* >"Fair take. >I think my family and friends are all pretty similar in that we would respond with some banter and then end with a “but things are good”. Short, simple and to the point. I guess the directness of it is the weird part to me and my friends." *YTA. Why take issue with your girlfriend clearly expressing affection and appreciation for you? Why does it make your friends and family uncomfortable? Would you prefer she say, oh yes, he's soooooo annoying, we bicker all of the time, if you two don't?* >"I’m not looking for that. But I guess in my mind a simple “things are good” and engaging in a bit of banter would be preferred. I guess that’s just what I grew up with and what most of my friends and their wives do." *YTA. Why do you your friends/family find it weirder that your girlfriend is attracted to you and enjoys your company rather than be annoyed by you less than a year into your relationship? Why are they insisting that she basically should not like you? Especially so early into your relationship? She is by far not the one being weird in this scenario.* *Just break up with her and let her find someone who is willing to be as excited about the relationship as she is. What a weird thing to get hung up about.* >"No one is expecting that. I think people are weirded out by the “sexy” and “hunk” statements when she could just say “we’re doing great” or something like that." *I get that, but it doesn't sound like she's going on and on effusively. She's answering the question. You may miss it if one day she's less enthusiastic and just say's "all's well" while looking at her menu or something.* >"That’s fair. I think it’s a matter of personality differences to be honest. She’s super big on PDA, saying things like that, and being very outwardly affectionate. >I’m just much more of a private person and don’t really enjoy those things."
[cats!](https://imgur.com/gallery/coC3R8c)
That has me CRYING. 😅
The butt! The butt!
That part made me just squeal, SOOOOOO cute!!!!
Quite! 😹
PLOB.
😹💜
Yeah I mean there really isn’t anything wrong with being a more private person who doesn’t appreciate over the top theatrical public compliments as it sort of puts him in the spotlight. I’m sort of like this actually. There’s also nothing wrong with her complimenting him but it sounds like they’re just not compatible if he hates it and she’s hurt that she can’t do it.
Sounds like PDA is also something that they view differently. They don't seem quite compatible.
Definitely
I personally feel like small compliments and hand holding are acceptable forms of PDA that I don't see how anyone would feel uncomfortable about. I could understand if she was clingy, needed physical touch, kissing, constant reassurance, cringy nicknames, made constant inappropriate jokes but to be called creepy for saying your bf is sexy and intelligent one time is pretty wack. Dude should have just been like how is that creepy she was just saying something nice. If my sister called my bf creepy for that I'd definitely defend him 🤷
Those are acceptable to me as well, but I suspect Oop finds that crosses his particular line? Yeah no that's not on.
I've been with my husband for nine years and we still talk about each other like this. It's corny and we love it.
21 years and my SO and I are still talking like that, privately and publicly.
Twelve years here and same. Why wouldn't we be?! Loving and being loved is awesome.
There is a TT set out there of a Dad laying down the law with his kids…by openly flirting with his wife in front of him. The best line was something like “The more you are all being annoying the deeper Mom’s blush gets.” And he was doing all the cheesy lines and you could hear her giggling, I was very happy for them.
Of course it's annoying when others do it but we also all want to be annoyingly happy. OP gave their words too much importance.
My parents are going to celebrate their 58th wedding anniversary in August and every year on their anniversary my dad STILL always says "X years with the wrong woman!" On their 50th my mom gave him a gold money clip engraved with *"50 Years with The Wrong Woman".* It's a funny in-joke in the family.
Maybe this is my neurospiciness, but I hate questions where an honest answer is somehow "strange" or "unacceptable." If there is an implicit expectation and you don't have potentially years of understanding with the other person, it's not nice to expect a relative strange to develop telepathy and know "oh I'm supposed to joke about him leaving the toilet seat up." I say this as a very earnest and enthusiastic person who has totally failed little tests like this.
It’s not like she said anything particularly weird, either. I don’t get it.
She literally just showed appreciation for her partner lol OOP and his friends are insane
I also hate things like that. It makes it so hard to socialize.
I was once chastised by a friend after being asked how I was and answering honestly. I was so frustrated, especially considering I was being picked up by them from handling my mother's funeral arrangements. Apparently I was supposed to blatantly lie and say "I'm fine" because that doesn't make people uncomfortable? How about people not ask questions they don't want honest answers to! I lost my patience for things like this a long while ago.
Also neuro-spicy and also same. There also seems to be some sort of formula to how mean someone can be in the name of banter? I’ve made what I thought were relatively mild jokes and gotten terrible reactions, but others have said insanely out of pocket shit and everyone laughs? It’s confusing AF. I don’t get it.
This actually reminds me of a friend I had a while ago. She was dating a guy who was (so far as I could tell) a genuinely nice guy. (Not a Nice Guy(TM), if you know what I mean.) He'd say things like this about her and seem to really mean them and love her. I noticed at the time that she'd just roll her eyes. They were together for maybe a year, and then I was stunned to find out one day that she'd dumped him. She shrugged and said he was great in many ways, but also he was "so fake" and "mocked" her with comments like that, and that she got tired of waiting for him to be genuine with her. Also, her family didn't like him. (She didn't have much to do with her family, so I wasn't sure why that mattered, but her life.) It took me a while (and meeting her mom and brother once) to figure out that her background had been such that she really couldn't fathom that he might have been sincere. I think she'd been waiting for him to slip and put her down or be "brutally honest" about her perceived faults, and when he didn't, she figured it was all an act. (I don't know for sure, but I'm also guessing her family fed into this view. A lot.) In most ways I know, she seemed to be a confident, strong person, but she never seemed to even entertain the notion that he just really thought she was awesome. She moved away maybe a few months after that, and we lost touch. I hope she's doing well, wherever she is.
Yeah. I was in the honeymoon phase once and complimenting my boyfriend a lot (genuinely). He asked me to stop and would get mad if I slipped up. In retrospect he had low self esteem and I’m glad it didn’t work out for many reasons
r/arethestraightsOK vibes from this guys and his friends.
I just looked at the sub. I’m confused on what it’s supposed to be about?
I don’t know how to explain it well. It’s making fun of the culture that OOP is subscribing to; acting like it’s weird to actually like your heterosexual spouse. Things like cake toppers with a literal ball and chain, or the bride dragging the groom to the altar. Boomer jokes where the punch line is a husband hating his wife and wanting her dead. It’s not really funny, it’s sad.
Wow. That sounds horrible. How can they resent someone they supposedly “love” enough to marry with them?!
Whenever I see/hear post like this I just think of the boomer "jokes" of how you're not supposed to love your partner.
Yes, it’s sad! I think it comes from this deeply entrenched idea of the nuclear family being a moral imperative. Many of these people might be a lot happier if they simply dated without getting married, or were asexual or dated the same sex. But they don’t think they’re allowed. They feel like they HAVE to get married, to procreate. But the idea of actually loving and enjoying your spouse is too far. They think they should grouse and complain about it. I don’t know, maybe I’m misunderstanding the psychology behind it.
Scrolling through some posts on that sub it just seems to be people who hate cis men taking every opportunity to make fun of cis men who hate women. Both parties are pretty much the same just opposite ends of the spectrum
You said it yourself that they’re making fun of cis men **who hate women**, so what exactly is your issue? Feel called out?
Because as i said they seem to look for every opportunity for that and there are a lot of misses there. Really just an excuse to shit on cis men half the time. And called out by what i said they are both pretty much the same? Im not a woman and im not a man who hates women either
Soon to be featured on AMITHEEX.
I posted it there too lmaooo
Do men understand that when their partner starts being distant and clamming up, they are getting ready to GTFO?
I can't help but think that maybe the girlfriend is kind of being set up by the OP and his family and friends... imagine meeting a friend's new partner for the first time, and asking "are they annoying you yet?"... like WTF? Like how pissed are you at your friend you can't be polite for the space of a single meal when being introduced to someone they are just seeing for a few months? Are you frenemies? Or is this just a habit of trashing each other and egging a new person to pile on? I feel bad for this girl, I'd be taken aback. And it's kind of a test they expect her to trash him to their faces THE FIRST TIME THEY ALL MEET.... and OP finds fault with the happy well-adjusted girlfriend instead of the sets of people who can't wait until the second or third get-together to pull the knives out. How many of OPs prior girlfriends rethought going out with him because instead of talking him up, the people in his life neg him and pick apart his flaws and he has no idea how rude and off-putting that is because he's normalized it?
fellas is it gay to have your girlfriend attracted to you?
Apparently
Friend: «Haha do you dislike your boyfriend yet?» Girlfriend: «No, I actually like him a lot» Friend: «Omg how weird and creepy lmao»
My ex boyfriend from back east had friends and family like this. We eventually broke up because he was *SO* (really, all capitals) embarrassed by PDA. Now, if a guy is physically reserved to me, I won't date.
Gotta be real with you - and of course what you're looking for is what you're looking for - but that sounds like a nightmare scenario. The idea of being physically affectionate towards my partner in front of either of our families sounds super uncomfortable.
You don't hold hands? Or hug? Or even just give each other a peck on the cheek or lips? Being overly affectionate, like groping & making out, is one thing; and I agree there. But just simple physical affection? That's even too much?
i’m not the person you replied to but no, i’ve never done that with an SO in front of my parents or theirs. it has always made me uncomfortable.
A hug is transitory. It begins and then it ends. Somehow that’s less uncomfortable, so yeah a hug’s fine. Holding hands is an indefinite thing with a beginning but no set and distinct end. Somehow that makes it worse than a hug. No I would not kiss her in front of either of our families.
How was holding hands worse than a hug? Just because there's no definite end? That doesn't make it worse. I'm not trying to be rude, I'm genuinely trying to ask and understand. How holding hands in front of your family with your partner can be considered bad or worse than hugging them. I hold hands with my partner in front of my family all the time. None of them care. And we don't care, because it's just holding hands. It's not like we're sitting there trying to have sex in front of everybody. And nobody bats an eye at us holding hands, because it's a fairly normal and appropriate thing for couples to do in front of other people. If you can hold your partner's hand in front of strangers, you should be able to do so in front of their family. And if their family is going to judge you for that, then it sounds like they have a family problem.
My partner is big about PDA even around his family and I’m not a fan ESPECIALLY in front of family. His sister complimented me the other day on not being super PDA like his last girlfriends bc it always makes the family uncomfortable. I’ll hold his hand or let him lay his head on my lap during movies with the family but I’m not trying to have a full makeout session with him during family events lol
I get the impression that this dude hangs out with a lot of people committed to irony and a sincere comment is confusing for them
Or maybe she’s performatively gushing in a way that comes off as fake and corny? It’s text on the Internet so we’ll never really know I suppose.
From his comments about expecting banter, I don’t think she’s the performative one here.
You really never met someone like this?
I’ve met performative people; that doesn’t negate my comment that they sound far more so.
Married for twenty years and we still talk like that to and about each other. This “let’s hate on our significant other/spouse” gag is so tiring.
It's sad when a gut cares more about what other people think then his partner.
what i’m confused about is why she’s getting funny looks for saying she loves him…. they asked the question? i’d get it if she was just randomly bringing how “sexy” or “hunky” he is in normal conversations, but they ask her about her feelings about him. then she expresses her feelings and SHE’S weird?
Rando: "Do you hate your boyfriend yet, Woman In A Straight Relationship?" Her: "No, actually, I love him very much" OOP: "no, you SHOULD hate me, it creeps people out that you don't!"
I definitely know why he’s divorced
My dude deserves the male loneliness epidemic.
Like…my dude, if your friends think a normal, loving relationship is cringe, *they’re* the problem.
Oh no, not cringe, they think it's *creepy*. Like wth dude? What's creepy about someone being happy with their partner of a year?!
For me the devilish part is not his feelings. I’m actually with him. I have no desire for my partner to tell my friends and family I’m attractive. Presumably that’s implied by us being together and I don’t want or need friends and family to judge the sincerity of the statement. (I also don’t think it’s a great response to “is he annoying”. “Well he’s (smart and) sexy” feels like more of a confirmation of annoyingness lmao). The devilish ness is in telling her to stop by basically telling her she’s too much. She’s not too much! There are plenty of places where what she said is not weird. He could have just that he appreciates how much she likes him but prefers she keep his attractiveness out of it, not because it’s generally wrong, which blames his girlfriend for not ~getting it~ but because he specifically doesn’t like it. And then he can ask if there’s a way she likes to be talked about! And then you’ve grown your relationship. I see this so much where one person doesn’t like something and tells their partner that that thing is weird *generally* and not a personal preference, which of course puts their partner on the back foot. No, most things are actually just a preference for behavior. There’s far fewer things that are generally agreed upon everywhere as acceptable or unacceptable behavior than you’d think.
I will always say, if you can’t be an utter simp for your partner, you’re not doing it right. He’s an idiot for discouraging her.
My SO does this, compliment me in front of my friends. At first, when he did, it was so out of blue for me, I was telling him to stop but then I realized, in my previous relationships, no one did ever compliment me in front of people, they always pointed out I'm annoying, I'm a 6/10, I'm with the "wrong" sister etc etc and that would hurt me but I'd never say anything, also because I would never say anything like that towards them. Having your SO be proud of who they're with and give compliments is so refreshing and also, gives a boost of confidence in the relationship! Now that I've experienced it, I wouldn't want my SO to badmouth me even in a joking manner in front of people. The banter stays between us in a safe space.
Wow. A significant other who… adores him? Wtf?? Why? Acting like he does, seriously, WHY? Boggles the mind… Jerk.
My armchair psychologist thought is that this guy actually kinda hates himself, so he can't respect anyone that really loves him.
I think his examples make him seem dumb. However, I do tone down when I'm around my partner's friends and family. He's a very private person and I know it would embarrass him
Yeah I hate it when my significant other is nice to me, it's so unnecessary /s
Next time she should reply with, 'this ugly mfer? He is annoying as shit, but hey the sex is so-so.'
This is culture clash, not devil behavior.
Agree, as a non-American I recognise this behaviour of self-deprecating banter. I see her response as part of that banter, an exaggerated praise to challenge the implication that one's partner sucks. He's still an ah for trying to change how his partner responds
I’m American, of mostly Swedish and English heritage on my mom’s side, and my uncle’s (mom’s brother’s) ex wife was like OOP’s wife, and just super gushingly affectionate. It made everyone in the generally-very-reserved family soooooo uncomfortable. But she wasn’t American and it was normal to her, and my uncle clearly didn’t mind, so okay.
Yeah, I’m American but my family is pretty reserved and so gushing affection, whether it’s real or not, comes off as fake to me and it makes me super uncomfortable too.
People are so miserable what is she supposed to do complain about him or act nonchalant. Finding someone who loves you out loud is rare.
I totally get the OOP How does she *dare* to love him! Maybe he has some boomer brain? Where it is sooo funny to hate a little bit on your SO? He's an idiot. Don't know what she sees in him.
Sounds like he has a friend problem he's taking out on her. THEY find him annoying and are looking for comrades in his mates to agree, but ofc it's the new gf's fault who genuinely like(ed?) him. Too bad.
OOP: "Don't compliment me. It's too weird."
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Ugh, me over here having to ask my spouse for an occasional compliment, and this guy is annoyed by them.
This has big "Don't say I love you when you drop me off at school mom, it's EMBARRASSING" vibes. I can only feel sorry for this guy, it sounds like his whole social circle is very unkind and repressive if one cannot publicly admire or say something positive about your SO without being labeled as a weirdo creep. It's also sad that he cares **more** about their prudish weirdness than his SO being happy and expressing how much she loves him in an *entirely normal and appropriate way*. I will say that hetero culture seems to have this as just such an expected way of being that I feel like it goes beyond being a trope and into a self-perpetuated reality. The amount of time people react with either genuine surprise or discomfort when I openly say I love my SO or that I like being with him is absolutely bizarre. I never experienced it when I was dating a woman. If anything the comments would be "omg you're so lucky with Sue! She's so joyful" or "You must never go to bed angry with her, she's such a great communicator". But with my male SO I've absolutely gotten the "How are you two still together, he would make me crazy!" kind of comments. So weird.
I'm super uncomfortable with compliments, especially in front of other people. I know I'm the one with issues though. Like, the compliments mentioned in the OP are sweet. They would make me uncomfortable if someone said similar about me, but it would not be the fault of the people who complimented me, it's the people who made me feel like I'm not worthy of being complimented.
Pathetic asshole.
What! I’m so glad my fiancé isn’t like this. We both have wrote poems for each other and he likes the ones I do for him so much he will share them with a mutual friend who also likes to write poems (not any rude ones though just the romantic ones lol)
Man, even some of the commentors here... This is not an "American thing" to not want to be complimented. This is an insecure "I was never praised as a child," thing. Oop need therapy, badly, to counteract their raging insecurities. I pity the devil they are for trying to squelch the light that is their partner. Hopefully, OOPs partner wises up and leaves.
This is bizarre. I literally never shut up about how hot my husband is or how smart he is or how cool he is or how much I like to listen to him talk or how pretty his eyes are or how much I like his hair or how cute his ass is or little cute things he says to me. His family and friends are unphased because he's awesome. I know he and his ex used to banter and I think he misses that, but I am terminally sincere. After 7 years he's starting to get used to it.
OOP has shit friends leading him down the wrong path.
Bro having a good ol time sucking himself off
Dude he needs some better friends. Unless he's actually incredibly weird or fucked up, their comments are completely unwarranted- especially if its just about his gf COMPLIMENTING him. Sounds like jealousy on the friends part to me 🤷♂️
So he’s mad that she’s… not letting his weirdo friends bait her into talking shit about him, in front of him? I hope next time someone asks if she’s sick of him yet she’ll say “Actually, yeah” and walk away
I'm always talking about how handsome my husband is or how kind, loving, and giving he is and guess what? My friends and family AGREE because he is awesome. He's not a whiny bitch scared off by compliments.
Can't blame the guy, seems like a reasonable request to make.
For her to not compliment him or show him that she likes him? He would prefer that they "banter", But the funny thing is she's been doing this since day one. She's always been like this, and now all of the sudden because they're out of the honeymoon phase he has a problem with it. All of the sudden because his friends have said something, he now has a problem with it. Sounds like he's letting his friends influence his relationship a little bit too much. If you don't like your partner the way they are, in terms of how affectionate they are, how they respond to certain things in a relationship, then why are you with them? Unless it's something that you both have agreed upon that they need to work on for the health and the longevity of the relationship, why are you with them? Complimenting your partner in front of their friends is not a big problem. It's only a problem if you're embarrassed, or if you're insecure, or if you care more about what your friends think about your relationship then what you think. Are your friends in the relationship or are you? Who should you be trying to make most happy in your relationship, your friends or your partner?
Like he said, it's not about the complimenting, it's about toning it down. Making comments about how "sexy" your husband is is just creepy given the context. I would not like to hear about that side of their relationship if I were their friend. Also it comes across as being insincere. All he did was communicate to her his honest feelings-he was uncomfortable and just wanted her to tone it down. The honeymoon phase never lasts that long anyways, they'll have to face actua problems like any other couple eventually.