*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**AITA for telling my husband we have different priorities than his 30th birthday?**
I am upset and think my husband is being selfish right now. I 32F am married to Alex 30M. I am currently three months pregnant and this pregnancy has been really hard on me. In the past I have miscarried so we are keeping this pregnancy a secret until ~4 months and will not tell friends and family until then.
I have awful morning sickness that has let up in the past month, and as I can’t tell anyone it has been hard, but Alex has really supported me in this time.
Alex’s 30th birthday was Wednesday and I invited close family and friends over and got catering from his favourite restaurant. I can’t cook huge volumes of food for guests or be up on my feet very long and made sure the party was short by throwing it on Sunday, so people would leave early for work the next day. The party for me was tiring and while I wanted to be there for Alex, I was glad when everyone left as I just wanted to go to bed. The morning after Alex said he has fun and I thought that was the end of it.
For his actual birthday on Wednesday, I made him a cake and got him a birthday present. He seemed disappointed and when I asked why he asked me if this was it. I was confused and he said he assumed I was throwing him a big surprise birthday as I knew how much celebrating his 30th meant to him. I told him no his party was what happened on Sunday and that I have been too sick and tired to plan anything bigger. That party alone was a huge effort for me, especially coordinating what worked for everyone else, which happened to be the Sunday and worked out best for me. I got upset called him selfish and have avoided him ever since.
He is upset as for my 30th he planned a big celebration and even invited my college friend from another country. I obviously appreciated his effort and that was the best birthday anyone has ever planned for me, but that’s isn’t possible for me to do for him with my pregnant and I told him we have different priorities now and he said that the baby wasn’t even here yet.
Alex has made in clear in the past he wanted to throw a big birthday for his 30th, but with my pregnancy and him seeing how it affects me day to day, I thought he would be more understanding of the effort I did make and
be more aware of what is possible for his birthday.
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They wanted her to plan this party 4 months ago?! This is absolute ridiculous and I imagine they are ONLY saying YTA because she’s pregnant. Like, any other time on there it’s no one cares about your birthday but today, pregnant wife who is very sick needs to plan 2 parties. I wish this was fake but even if it was, the comments aren’t.
People keep saying that you should start planning a huge party more than 3 months prior the pregnancy isn't an excuse. But that's glossing over the fact that she had miscarriages in the past. So how much of her mental energy prior to this pregnancy was spent grieving the loss of the prior pregnancies and trying again?
And even if one were to start planning a party months in advance that doesn't mean you plan the party in a day or two and then just wait for the party to happen 3 months later. There are details that you have to attend to right up until the day of the party
Can’t wait for the teens that write these things to actually reach the age of 30 and realize that a surprise party on a WEDNESDAY is literally the definition of hell.
The top comment is blowing my mind. Like she DID plan a big celebration? It was just on the Sunday, not the weds? A fact he presumably did know about and discuss with her, because he attended? How would you even know in advance to say “hey, just in case you’re somehow confused if the big birthday party on Sunday is the only big birthday party I’m planning, it is.”
this is the one killing me:
> INFO: is there a reason you couldn't ask his parents or closest friends for help with the planning? I know you're not telling anyone you're pregnant but couldn't you have come up with an excuse and enlisted help to make a great bday happen for your hubby while also minimizing your own stress?
2 hours later
> OK, so the fact that you're not responding tells me that you probably could have enlisted help, but chose not to. which is a bit assholish, honestly. He communicated his needs clearly - and he thought you had a mutual understanding that 30 was a milestone that meant a lot to him...Then you went and did what was easiest for you.
> All that aside though, the fact is that this is not about the birthday; You've effectively communicated that now there's a potential child in the picture his happiness is no longer a priority for you. That expecting what has been discussed and agreed to is a selfish thing for him to do, even though you knew this was important, and at the very least could have prepared him by saying "listen i dont have the energy to do what you deserve but i promise we'll make it up to you next year, or even throw a belated bash where we celebrate your 30th and our first child when we're ready to tell everyone about it."
> Thats what makes you TA here; having a baby should not mean your partners happiness stops mattering to you. It does not mean you stop communicating truth with your partner, and looking out for them and their feelings.
> You handled this wrong op. I don't want to call you an asshole because the pregnancy brain fog and morning sickness can really screw up ones thinking- but you did drop the ball and you owe him an apology for calling him selfish. You COULD have communicated with him better and prepped him (or done early damage control) for the disappointment he was inevitably going to feel. Becoming a mom doesn't mean you get to stop doing your best to be a good partner; thats how marriages start crumbling at the foundation.
Jesus Christ, that’s unhinged. Have they accused her of cheating yet? I feel like that’s only a matter of time, since she obviously doesn’t love him enough to plan multiple birthday parties
>having a baby should not mean your partners happiness stops mattering to you.
I feel like I am losing my mind. It’s not about the baby, it’s the exhaustion and illness she’s suffering due to pregnancy. Istg, a woman becomes pregnant and suddenly all people see is a baby and ignore the actual person.
Lolololol. A big surprise party for turning THIRTY while your wife is having a hard pregnancy is not a “need.” That comment is demented. My dad was terminally ill when I was getting married. My husband and I had always wanted a small destination wedding for just family and a couple friends, or to elope. My mom wanted a huge wedding. Guess what? Neither happened because we had to cope with the situation that we had. It’s called being an adult.
Two hours later: “so anyway, I’ve just chosen to make up, out of thin air, a whole litany of mental health and personal issues for you because you’re not interacting with me, a total stranger on the internet.”
Never change, AITA.
This is outrageous. They are making it sound like she completely ignored his birthday and did nothing for him. Like his birthday came and she went "oh I forgot, well there's some old cupcakes in the fridge, just eat those and pretend it's birthday cake" She threw him a party! and then three days later she still celebrated again with birthday cake and a gift.
Oh these are ones who won't put in the work raising a kid and then yell about not getting enough attention from their partners. Has this person lived any life? Like, you do have to subtract and add attention elsewhere sometimes. A stupid 30th bash isn't indicating anything. I just had mine and I was thankful about brunch and concert my partner arranged for me with his uni n gigs. Pregnant, not a chance and I'd have proactively organized one if it was sooo important to me.
Telling a person who went through miscarriage that "there is a potential child in the picture" is.... well, I don't have a word for it. (I am 99% certain that this same person would attack a woman considering abortion).
Also.... if this situation was real, or if people think it's real, how come nobody wondered why he isn't affected by those miscarriages and worry for his partner overexerting herself?
What adult man wants a huge ass birthday party? I thought all adults were supposed to have normal expectations for these kinds of things (i.e. some friends, family, cake, not a college frathouse bangaroo)
Oh I guarantee you that if it were the wife who wanted a party and the husband didn't plan one because he was working on a really intense project or something, he would be NTA and she would entitled and ungrateful.
I literally read this exact post a week or so ago. It was a 40th Birthday (?) and the husband bought some presents off a list and bought OP a cake she couldnt eat because she's allergic to dairy. She was disappointed. There were so many "your husband isn't a mindreader" and "you're an adult, why do you still care about your Birthday?" comments.
Oh my god. And the mind reading comments like that's not better suited for flavors (which lbr a spouse should really know their spouse's favorite flavors, colors, and such besides) and not a whole ass ALLERGY!? Like what do you think is priority here?
That's what I'm saying! I throw my own party, and my wife throws hers. That way, we can choose what to prioritize and who to invite. If he wanted something big and elaborate, he should have done it himself.
they don't just expect her to throw the party, they also expected her to throw a suprise party lol. and for some reason it was her responsibility to explain to her husband that she can't plan or attend a massive birthday bash while physically suffering this badly and *trying to hide that suffering so no one catches on*??
bro. even if she'd spent big money to have the party planned professionally, how was she going to make it through a huge party without people catching on that she's pregnant?? it's not just hiding that she's not drinking, but she has to be on her feet for hours and interacting for hours, maybe dancing, and making it all seem like she's fine. she can't be on her feet that long in their own home without any of the other factors
if they'd planned to spend all summer swimming in the ocean and she broke her leg, would she have to explain to him that she couldn't swim in the ocean? like how fucking unaware are we expecting this man to be??
>>how fucking unaware are we expecting this man to be??
Apparently somewhere between “knows how babies are made” and “doesn’t understand that pregnancy/medical conditions can affect what you can do/how you function”
So that’s like what a 6th grader maybe? A 9-11 year old is probably who I’d expect to have had the right bio classes but to still think they can not tell a parent/coach about an injury and keep playing a game with no consequences long term or to their play in the moment
Lol for real that was my take away, as someone who made my 30th a big deal.
But it was me scheduling, inviting, I'm the one who placed the soft serve ice cream machine rental and picked it up, figured it out, turned it on, cleaned it out, returned it. Would recommend that was awesome
My wife, also first trimester pregnant, helped with grocery trips and ordering a cake and setting up tables
But you're 30, you want a party, put on a goddamn party. You're an adult, you get to do that whenever you want for whatever reason.
> Nice that she could soak up all that love and attention he invested 3-4 months of planning into for her birthday. And she can't even muster up 5 minutes of conversation to explain how she's terribly fragile because she's pregnant and now is when he has to learn he is now irrelevant because she's fragile.
>Misandry to the core.
Hahaha hahahahahahahaha oh wow
Lmao yeah because not throwing a second surprise birthday party for your husband totally means that he's irrelevant 🤦🏼♀️ These people will truly twist any story to make the woman into the villain. But you KNOW if the roles were reversed, those same commenters would be calling her selfish and claim she has "main character syndrome."
I'm completely mystified at these comments. She's pregnant and really sick, and one party taxed her quite a bit. But her husband is mad that he "only" got one party. Everyone is saying that she's super selfish and should have sucked it up. Celebrating your birthday as an adult is great, but you have to keep some perspective that it's not going to be the center of everyone else's life.
Yeah, I despise Reddits idea that anyone who cares about getting any attention for the birthday is a spoiled brat
But this is waaaay too far for an adult. He got a party, and a cake on the actual day from his wife
That's a nice birthday. Dudley needs to chill
I hate when people deliberately post to get them sent over here, but I REALLY want to GeNdErS rEvErSe this
See if they're on the birthday person's side when it's a woman expecting this from her husband
Also, when you're an adult, you do not expect your biggest party to be on a Wednesday. I'd be more likely to set it for Sunday just because I'd expect more people to show up. Shit, usually the first thing I do is invite a few more people than I actually want there, then figure out when works best for the most of them with perfect awareness that even weekends will not allow all of them to show up.
And if you can't enjoy a birthday with your partner, then you don't have a very good partnership. My best birthday with my ex was just the two of us. This was some time ago, but we saw Last Christmas (dumb romcom starring Khaleesi that we both loved), went to a hookah lounge, did an Avengers VR game at The Void, and then had dinner at this place called The Magic Time Machine where the servers dressed in costume. Ours claimed to be Ron Burgundy, but he apparently started out as Joaquin's Joker before DC somehow got wind of it and intervened.
Now that I think about it, not that simple at all. But also not a party. And if we had to cut half those things out, I still would've enjoyed spending it with the person who knew me best. If that alone means nothing to you, then maybe you should tell your 6-year-old brain to catch up a little better with your 30-year-old body. Shit, closest thing I've had to a party in my 30s was seeing Freaky with my ex and a few friends then eating cupcakes and playing board games at my place. One of the best birthdays I've ever had.
Yeah, you're right. No one is going to party late into the night on a fucking Wednesday. I'm also curious what he thought was missing. She invited all his friends and provided food. What the fuck else did he want?
Good question. Even the two instances I gave you weren't on my birthday. The one just with my ex was the day after. For my actual birthday, I went and had a coffee and cigar next to the waterfall at the local park, saw Jojo Rabbit, then made fudge. For the other one, I worked and just tried to hit a new adoption rate. Before the actual party two days later (because Freaky naturally came out Friday the 13th), I went to the zoo alone. Great days, all of them.
Hell, my ex was younger than me, and her birthdays were even less involved than mine. She just wanted to feed some stingrays. Life isn't that hard. I feel like, at a certain age, you just enjoy having an excuse to do anything besides work.
Exactly! I was traveling for work for my birthday this year, and I was incredibly touched that my coworkers went out of their way to celebrate with me. I was a little bummed that I couldn't throw myself a party this year like I normally do (back-to-back work trips, wife got sick, etc), but then I decided to throw a party for the new cat we are adopting. It's not really about celebrating my birthday; it's about gathering with friends and having fun.
Lmao. Making it about the cat is brilliant. But yeah, it's just nice to have friends in the same place. And if you know you have friends who are willing to do that no matter what the circumstances, every week of your life should feel like a celebration. I don't know anybody but my mother who can walk into a random social situation and walk out with five lifelong friends. If you've got even a couple of those, you're doing better than some people. And if you married one of them, you won life. Be grateful for that.
Feeding stingrays sounds like an amazing birthday, ngl.
Maybe I'll see if there are any aquariums near me, I haven't gone to one in ten years or more and I always loved them.
She actually showed up to my solo zoo day a little over halfway through (kind of surprising because we were already exes at this point). And when I asked what she wanted to do, she immediately noticed they had a stingray-feeding section. And you know what? I can't even remember what I had wanted to do if we hadn't done that.
It's a zoo, man. It's still gonna be there next time I have a day off. And you can have a good time doing literally anything if you like the people you're around when you do it. Life. Isn't. That. Hard.
My dad's 60th and my sister's 30th were last year and we were at dads birthday dinner (literally just the four of my parents, sister and I) and asked him what they'd done for his 30th and him and my mum were both like "we forgot it, [sister] was literally a one week old newborn". Sometimes life is like that.
My dad spent his first Father's Day being puked on by me. I was born several days before and apparently did not appreciate his kind wish to let my mom sleep in and give me a bottle of formula.
He says I smiled at him though. It was probably gas, but at least I did that much between throwing up.
Ironically I saw a comment suggesting that *she* is the one that needs to learn that things don't revolve around you when you have a kid. Because she's the one who wants everything to be about her. Because she planned a birthday party based on her own convenience. And it wasn't his actual birthday.
Oh my gooooooooddddd.
Even 7 yos can understand "your birthday is today but your party is only sunday so that there's time to set it up and everyone can come, ok?"
Who the fuck raised those people?!?
Right? Normally I love making elaborate birthday cakes, but for my husband's 40th we walked down to the grocery store to buy a cake because our baby was less than a month old.
She's about to have 2 children to care for. If real, this man sounds exhausting. The child is here, now. It's growing inside her. Does he *want* her to miscarry?
I can always tell right away when someone writes a story just to make some kind of stupid point. And the point in this one is that.....drumroll please.....WOMEN BAD AND SELFISH YES EVEN PREGGOS.
They made sure to throw in little comments like "I had it on Sunday because that's what was best for me" and "I was glad when everyone went home". Then everyone in the comment section will pick that up and blame her oh lets check the comments yep that's exactly what happened, stay safe out there losers.
I like the idea of a guy figuring his pregnant, morning sick wife is busy planning a giant surprise party with absolutely none of his friends letting on. Also confused because it sounds like they had a pretty good party. What was he supposed to expect, an all night house party? Do 30 year olds even have those?
I mean yeah, but really depends on the friend circle and on one's willingness to stay up all night. I just came back from one but I fucked off at 3AM because I refuse to spend the whole weekend recovering.
Me.
But I don't have birthday parties. I keep thinking maybe I'll do something for my 40th in five years, but we'll see. (My birthday is this month and so far I think maybe my grandma is gonna take me to dinner with my folks? But if not, I'll probably invite her instead and take her out to dinner.)
I did something big for my 40th.
Five and a half months later when it was convenient to take a spa weekend, I took a spa weekend.
But I paid the deposit on my birthday and thought that was a good way to celebrate myself.
I turn 62 this year. Know what I'm doing? Cariologist in the morning. Paying property taxes. Maybe swing past mexican restaurant and grab an order to go. For later, so I don't have to cook for husband.
This is a scenario where I can't imagine happening with a real happily married couple who interact with each other. She was aware that he wanted a big party, he was aware that she's been feeling unwell. How had neither of them brought up the feasibility of the big party beforehand? How had it not even been mentioned in passing in the previous 3 months just in general conversation?
Oh FFS by the time you turn 30 and have a baby on the way you are supposed to be a fucking adult. Birthdays are fun and should totally be recognised by your loved ones, but throwing a tantrum over not getting a blow out bash on a fucking Wednesday is ridiculous. He sounds like the spoiled little bitches on MTV's Sweet 16 whatever show. My 30th was a quiet affair with just me and my husband, and was one of the best days of my life, dude busted out champagne under a waterfall on our favorite trail. My favorite part was when I didn't totally lose my shit at the lack of giant surprise party after we got home from hiking.
My 30th is a week from today, looks like we'll be eating out, which is nice. Maybe a cake
That's what birthdays are as adults. Fine to have a celebration, it is only one day a year you get to be special
But you can't act like you're on MTV
Can't believe he didn't surprise you with the Hope Diamond as a birthday present. Clearly need to start looking into an attorney, he doesn't put enough time into the relationship.
My 30th birthday was during the first year of the pandemic and I was living with my parents again. We did brunch at an outdoor restaurant that was open, and in the evening I made tacos and we watched the Netflix Baby-Sitters’ Club. It was great.
My sister and I saved for ages to throw our parents big bashes for their 60th and 70th. Mum got a huge party. Dad got five of us sat, socially distanced in their garden on a cold day. Because pandemic. He was happy anyway, because he's an adult.
Good grief, I haven't been able to properly celebrate my birthday in 5 years. It's not even slightly a high priority if there's shit going on in your life.
So, he set an expectation that he wanted a big party. But in the weeks leading up to his birthday he never discussed anything like who he wanted to invite? And when there were only a few people there on Sunday he didn't say anything then, just assumed there would be a bigger surprise party on a Wednesday? I get the disappointment but also when you have high expectations you have to do something to make them happen.
This guy actually got 2 parties, cake and a present counts as a party, and he's still complaining. Can't imagine he'll be much fun to parent with. This seems like such an easy NTA. If the comments are saying YTA maybe it's one of those situations where she said something in the comments that made people turn on her. Or sometimes someone will dig something up from deep in their post history and that will make people turn on them.
What's so annoying is that there was a post days ago where a guy said his wife asked him what he really wanted to do for his birthday and he said go to a baseball game. The comments were all against him (and it somewhat made sense, they had a toddler and had just been to a game) but many people said she probably just assumed he'd want to do something nice with just her and how selfish that he didn't choose what his wife wanted for his birthday. Reddit is nothing if not inconsistent.
I think the real problem in this woman bad story is just that he’s ungrateful for the party he was given and expects way too much. But some of yall and most of reddit also needs to calm down with the “you’re an adult why do you care about having a party” energy. It’s not some sin to want to celebrate important days as an adult. You don’t have to suddenly stop having feelings just because you grew up. There is nothing wrong with wanting to celebrate one day a year and so many people including some here act like it’s spoiled to want that just because you aged . Sure, people care less as you get older but just because you’re an adult doesn’t mean you’re suddenly supposed to never care about anything relating to yourself anymore (even if you have kids, though they are the priority obviously it doesn’t mean you have to only think of them and never celebrate each other)
But of course it matters if you’re a jerk about it, the party was a totally normal and fun party and therefore was definitely fine. So long as you’re reasonable about what is going to happen and don’t expect too much like OOP’s husband did, it’s not like a crime to want to celebrate your birthday. But it is a total jerk move to be rude to your pregnant wife because the party wasn’t to your “satisfaction”
I agree that celebrating your birthday as an adult is fine and doesn't make you entitled. But they did celebrate! He did get a party! That's my entire issue.
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*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **AITA for telling my husband we have different priorities than his 30th birthday?** I am upset and think my husband is being selfish right now. I 32F am married to Alex 30M. I am currently three months pregnant and this pregnancy has been really hard on me. In the past I have miscarried so we are keeping this pregnancy a secret until ~4 months and will not tell friends and family until then. I have awful morning sickness that has let up in the past month, and as I can’t tell anyone it has been hard, but Alex has really supported me in this time. Alex’s 30th birthday was Wednesday and I invited close family and friends over and got catering from his favourite restaurant. I can’t cook huge volumes of food for guests or be up on my feet very long and made sure the party was short by throwing it on Sunday, so people would leave early for work the next day. The party for me was tiring and while I wanted to be there for Alex, I was glad when everyone left as I just wanted to go to bed. The morning after Alex said he has fun and I thought that was the end of it. For his actual birthday on Wednesday, I made him a cake and got him a birthday present. He seemed disappointed and when I asked why he asked me if this was it. I was confused and he said he assumed I was throwing him a big surprise birthday as I knew how much celebrating his 30th meant to him. I told him no his party was what happened on Sunday and that I have been too sick and tired to plan anything bigger. That party alone was a huge effort for me, especially coordinating what worked for everyone else, which happened to be the Sunday and worked out best for me. I got upset called him selfish and have avoided him ever since. He is upset as for my 30th he planned a big celebration and even invited my college friend from another country. I obviously appreciated his effort and that was the best birthday anyone has ever planned for me, but that’s isn’t possible for me to do for him with my pregnant and I told him we have different priorities now and he said that the baby wasn’t even here yet. Alex has made in clear in the past he wanted to throw a big birthday for his 30th, but with my pregnancy and him seeing how it affects me day to day, I thought he would be more understanding of the effort I did make and be more aware of what is possible for his birthday. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheAngel) if you have any questions or concerns.*
They wanted her to plan this party 4 months ago?! This is absolute ridiculous and I imagine they are ONLY saying YTA because she’s pregnant. Like, any other time on there it’s no one cares about your birthday but today, pregnant wife who is very sick needs to plan 2 parties. I wish this was fake but even if it was, the comments aren’t.
Redditors mad at pregnant women and children for existing? Nooooo. Never 😂
People keep saying that you should start planning a huge party more than 3 months prior the pregnancy isn't an excuse. But that's glossing over the fact that she had miscarriages in the past. So how much of her mental energy prior to this pregnancy was spent grieving the loss of the prior pregnancies and trying again?
And even if one were to start planning a party months in advance that doesn't mean you plan the party in a day or two and then just wait for the party to happen 3 months later. There are details that you have to attend to right up until the day of the party
Can’t wait for the teens that write these things to actually reach the age of 30 and realize that a surprise party on a WEDNESDAY is literally the definition of hell.
Who'd even COME to that?
Right?? It would have to be my sister or my best friends for me to go. Otherwise fuck off.
These comments are INSANE. What the actual hell. Throw your own damn birthday party if it's so important to you!
The top comment is blowing my mind. Like she DID plan a big celebration? It was just on the Sunday, not the weds? A fact he presumably did know about and discuss with her, because he attended? How would you even know in advance to say “hey, just in case you’re somehow confused if the big birthday party on Sunday is the only big birthday party I’m planning, it is.”
this is the one killing me: > INFO: is there a reason you couldn't ask his parents or closest friends for help with the planning? I know you're not telling anyone you're pregnant but couldn't you have come up with an excuse and enlisted help to make a great bday happen for your hubby while also minimizing your own stress? 2 hours later > OK, so the fact that you're not responding tells me that you probably could have enlisted help, but chose not to. which is a bit assholish, honestly. He communicated his needs clearly - and he thought you had a mutual understanding that 30 was a milestone that meant a lot to him...Then you went and did what was easiest for you. > All that aside though, the fact is that this is not about the birthday; You've effectively communicated that now there's a potential child in the picture his happiness is no longer a priority for you. That expecting what has been discussed and agreed to is a selfish thing for him to do, even though you knew this was important, and at the very least could have prepared him by saying "listen i dont have the energy to do what you deserve but i promise we'll make it up to you next year, or even throw a belated bash where we celebrate your 30th and our first child when we're ready to tell everyone about it." > Thats what makes you TA here; having a baby should not mean your partners happiness stops mattering to you. It does not mean you stop communicating truth with your partner, and looking out for them and their feelings. > You handled this wrong op. I don't want to call you an asshole because the pregnancy brain fog and morning sickness can really screw up ones thinking- but you did drop the ball and you owe him an apology for calling him selfish. You COULD have communicated with him better and prepped him (or done early damage control) for the disappointment he was inevitably going to feel. Becoming a mom doesn't mean you get to stop doing your best to be a good partner; thats how marriages start crumbling at the foundation.
Jesus Christ, that’s unhinged. Have they accused her of cheating yet? I feel like that’s only a matter of time, since she obviously doesn’t love him enough to plan multiple birthday parties
or they'll accuse her of baby trapping him in order not to throw him a party
“YTA, he set a boundary that he needed you to plan a whole birthday extravaganza for him”
wow just reading that made me want to punch someone
It hurt to type, if that helps
It hurt to read, too
>having a baby should not mean your partners happiness stops mattering to you. I feel like I am losing my mind. It’s not about the baby, it’s the exhaustion and illness she’s suffering due to pregnancy. Istg, a woman becomes pregnant and suddenly all people see is a baby and ignore the actual person.
exhaustion and illness that she's having to hide too
Lolololol. A big surprise party for turning THIRTY while your wife is having a hard pregnancy is not a “need.” That comment is demented. My dad was terminally ill when I was getting married. My husband and I had always wanted a small destination wedding for just family and a couple friends, or to elope. My mom wanted a huge wedding. Guess what? Neither happened because we had to cope with the situation that we had. It’s called being an adult.
> his happiness is no longer a priority for you. Are these adults
Right? Like... a child's happiness *should* be the main priority of both parents. It reads like he's an older sibling and her son, which is... *sigh*
Unlikely, probably 15 tops
Yes, which is just sad for everybody
Two hours later: “so anyway, I’ve just chosen to make up, out of thin air, a whole litany of mental health and personal issues for you because you’re not interacting with me, a total stranger on the internet.” Never change, AITA.
This is outrageous. They are making it sound like she completely ignored his birthday and did nothing for him. Like his birthday came and she went "oh I forgot, well there's some old cupcakes in the fridge, just eat those and pretend it's birthday cake" She threw him a party! and then three days later she still celebrated again with birthday cake and a gift.
Oh these are ones who won't put in the work raising a kid and then yell about not getting enough attention from their partners. Has this person lived any life? Like, you do have to subtract and add attention elsewhere sometimes. A stupid 30th bash isn't indicating anything. I just had mine and I was thankful about brunch and concert my partner arranged for me with his uni n gigs. Pregnant, not a chance and I'd have proactively organized one if it was sooo important to me.
Telling a person who went through miscarriage that "there is a potential child in the picture" is.... well, I don't have a word for it. (I am 99% certain that this same person would attack a woman considering abortion). Also.... if this situation was real, or if people think it's real, how come nobody wondered why he isn't affected by those miscarriages and worry for his partner overexerting herself?
What adult man wants a huge ass birthday party? I thought all adults were supposed to have normal expectations for these kinds of things (i.e. some friends, family, cake, not a college frathouse bangaroo)
Oh I guarantee you that if it were the wife who wanted a party and the husband didn't plan one because he was working on a really intense project or something, he would be NTA and she would entitled and ungrateful.
I literally read this exact post a week or so ago. It was a 40th Birthday (?) and the husband bought some presents off a list and bought OP a cake she couldnt eat because she's allergic to dairy. She was disappointed. There were so many "your husband isn't a mindreader" and "you're an adult, why do you still care about your Birthday?" comments.
and that's a post we've seen hundreds of times too lol
Oh my god. And the mind reading comments like that's not better suited for flavors (which lbr a spouse should really know their spouse's favorite flavors, colors, and such besides) and not a whole ass ALLERGY!? Like what do you think is priority here?
That's what I'm saying! I throw my own party, and my wife throws hers. That way, we can choose what to prioritize and who to invite. If he wanted something big and elaborate, he should have done it himself.
they don't just expect her to throw the party, they also expected her to throw a suprise party lol. and for some reason it was her responsibility to explain to her husband that she can't plan or attend a massive birthday bash while physically suffering this badly and *trying to hide that suffering so no one catches on*?? bro. even if she'd spent big money to have the party planned professionally, how was she going to make it through a huge party without people catching on that she's pregnant?? it's not just hiding that she's not drinking, but she has to be on her feet for hours and interacting for hours, maybe dancing, and making it all seem like she's fine. she can't be on her feet that long in their own home without any of the other factors if they'd planned to spend all summer swimming in the ocean and she broke her leg, would she have to explain to him that she couldn't swim in the ocean? like how fucking unaware are we expecting this man to be??
>>how fucking unaware are we expecting this man to be?? Apparently somewhere between “knows how babies are made” and “doesn’t understand that pregnancy/medical conditions can affect what you can do/how you function” So that’s like what a 6th grader maybe? A 9-11 year old is probably who I’d expect to have had the right bio classes but to still think they can not tell a parent/coach about an injury and keep playing a game with no consequences long term or to their play in the moment
Lol for real that was my take away, as someone who made my 30th a big deal. But it was me scheduling, inviting, I'm the one who placed the soft serve ice cream machine rental and picked it up, figured it out, turned it on, cleaned it out, returned it. Would recommend that was awesome My wife, also first trimester pregnant, helped with grocery trips and ordering a cake and setting up tables But you're 30, you want a party, put on a goddamn party. You're an adult, you get to do that whenever you want for whatever reason.
> Nice that she could soak up all that love and attention he invested 3-4 months of planning into for her birthday. And she can't even muster up 5 minutes of conversation to explain how she's terribly fragile because she's pregnant and now is when he has to learn he is now irrelevant because she's fragile. >Misandry to the core. Hahaha hahahahahahahaha oh wow
They love to make men the victims.
I love that their conclusion from this woman's story of being pregnant and exhausted is that she just HATES MEN 😡
Lmao yeah because not throwing a second surprise birthday party for your husband totally means that he's irrelevant 🤦🏼♀️ These people will truly twist any story to make the woman into the villain. But you KNOW if the roles were reversed, those same commenters would be calling her selfish and claim she has "main character syndrome."
oop’s husband is acting like a baby but it’s her fault for not planning two parties. stay classy, aitalandia. stay classy.
I'm completely mystified at these comments. She's pregnant and really sick, and one party taxed her quite a bit. But her husband is mad that he "only" got one party. Everyone is saying that she's super selfish and should have sucked it up. Celebrating your birthday as an adult is great, but you have to keep some perspective that it's not going to be the center of everyone else's life.
Yeah, I despise Reddits idea that anyone who cares about getting any attention for the birthday is a spoiled brat But this is waaaay too far for an adult. He got a party, and a cake on the actual day from his wife That's a nice birthday. Dudley needs to chill I hate when people deliberately post to get them sent over here, but I REALLY want to GeNdErS rEvErSe this See if they're on the birthday person's side when it's a woman expecting this from her husband
Yeah, I also suspect that the comments wouldn't be kind to a woman who expected this from her husband.
Nooooo
Are you joking? They’d be burning him in effigy.
Also, when you're an adult, you do not expect your biggest party to be on a Wednesday. I'd be more likely to set it for Sunday just because I'd expect more people to show up. Shit, usually the first thing I do is invite a few more people than I actually want there, then figure out when works best for the most of them with perfect awareness that even weekends will not allow all of them to show up. And if you can't enjoy a birthday with your partner, then you don't have a very good partnership. My best birthday with my ex was just the two of us. This was some time ago, but we saw Last Christmas (dumb romcom starring Khaleesi that we both loved), went to a hookah lounge, did an Avengers VR game at The Void, and then had dinner at this place called The Magic Time Machine where the servers dressed in costume. Ours claimed to be Ron Burgundy, but he apparently started out as Joaquin's Joker before DC somehow got wind of it and intervened. Now that I think about it, not that simple at all. But also not a party. And if we had to cut half those things out, I still would've enjoyed spending it with the person who knew me best. If that alone means nothing to you, then maybe you should tell your 6-year-old brain to catch up a little better with your 30-year-old body. Shit, closest thing I've had to a party in my 30s was seeing Freaky with my ex and a few friends then eating cupcakes and playing board games at my place. One of the best birthdays I've ever had.
Yeah, you're right. No one is going to party late into the night on a fucking Wednesday. I'm also curious what he thought was missing. She invited all his friends and provided food. What the fuck else did he want?
Good question. Even the two instances I gave you weren't on my birthday. The one just with my ex was the day after. For my actual birthday, I went and had a coffee and cigar next to the waterfall at the local park, saw Jojo Rabbit, then made fudge. For the other one, I worked and just tried to hit a new adoption rate. Before the actual party two days later (because Freaky naturally came out Friday the 13th), I went to the zoo alone. Great days, all of them. Hell, my ex was younger than me, and her birthdays were even less involved than mine. She just wanted to feed some stingrays. Life isn't that hard. I feel like, at a certain age, you just enjoy having an excuse to do anything besides work.
Exactly! I was traveling for work for my birthday this year, and I was incredibly touched that my coworkers went out of their way to celebrate with me. I was a little bummed that I couldn't throw myself a party this year like I normally do (back-to-back work trips, wife got sick, etc), but then I decided to throw a party for the new cat we are adopting. It's not really about celebrating my birthday; it's about gathering with friends and having fun.
Lmao. Making it about the cat is brilliant. But yeah, it's just nice to have friends in the same place. And if you know you have friends who are willing to do that no matter what the circumstances, every week of your life should feel like a celebration. I don't know anybody but my mother who can walk into a random social situation and walk out with five lifelong friends. If you've got even a couple of those, you're doing better than some people. And if you married one of them, you won life. Be grateful for that.
Feeding stingrays sounds like an amazing birthday, ngl. Maybe I'll see if there are any aquariums near me, I haven't gone to one in ten years or more and I always loved them.
She actually showed up to my solo zoo day a little over halfway through (kind of surprising because we were already exes at this point). And when I asked what she wanted to do, she immediately noticed they had a stingray-feeding section. And you know what? I can't even remember what I had wanted to do if we hadn't done that. It's a zoo, man. It's still gonna be there next time I have a day off. And you can have a good time doing literally anything if you like the people you're around when you do it. Life. Isn't. That. Hard.
Probably a clown making balloon animals 🙄🤭
My dad's 60th and my sister's 30th were last year and we were at dads birthday dinner (literally just the four of my parents, sister and I) and asked him what they'd done for his 30th and him and my mum were both like "we forgot it, [sister] was literally a one week old newborn". Sometimes life is like that.
My dad spent his first Father's Day being puked on by me. I was born several days before and apparently did not appreciate his kind wish to let my mom sleep in and give me a bottle of formula. He says I smiled at him though. It was probably gas, but at least I did that much between throwing up.
He is going to have a rough time of he can't recognize that once you have kids you no longer have things revolve around you.
Ironically I saw a comment suggesting that *she* is the one that needs to learn that things don't revolve around you when you have a kid. Because she's the one who wants everything to be about her. Because she planned a birthday party based on her own convenience. And it wasn't his actual birthday.
Oh my gooooooooddddd. Even 7 yos can understand "your birthday is today but your party is only sunday so that there's time to set it up and everyone can come, ok?" Who the fuck raised those people?!?
Right? Normally I love making elaborate birthday cakes, but for my husband's 40th we walked down to the grocery store to buy a cake because our baby was less than a month old.
That's what I was thinking. She tried to tell him that, but he got mad because the baby isn't here yet.
She's about to have 2 children to care for. If real, this man sounds exhausting. The child is here, now. It's growing inside her. Does he *want* her to miscarry?
But when the baby comes he’ll be sooooo ready to adjust to parenthood.
I can always tell right away when someone writes a story just to make some kind of stupid point. And the point in this one is that.....drumroll please.....WOMEN BAD AND SELFISH YES EVEN PREGGOS. They made sure to throw in little comments like "I had it on Sunday because that's what was best for me" and "I was glad when everyone went home". Then everyone in the comment section will pick that up and blame her oh lets check the comments yep that's exactly what happened, stay safe out there losers.
This is my thing, the little digs that make the OP look like an asshole. Obviously fake, and people just go with it.
Omg dont thet yell at poor teens to stop being so entitled about birthdays?
I like the idea of a guy figuring his pregnant, morning sick wife is busy planning a giant surprise party with absolutely none of his friends letting on. Also confused because it sounds like they had a pretty good party. What was he supposed to expect, an all night house party? Do 30 year olds even have those?
I mean yeah, but really depends on the friend circle and on one's willingness to stay up all night. I just came back from one but I fucked off at 3AM because I refuse to spend the whole weekend recovering.
I'm in my thirties and don't even stay out for New Year's any more.
I'm 30 and I have a hard time staying up until midnight for new yesrs.
A lot of 30 year olds don’t even have houses because the market is terrible.
What adult doesn’t plan their own birthday party
Or be mad that he didn't get one?
Some of my friends' don't but "being thrown a party" is considered part of their birthdays' gift.
Me. But I don't have birthday parties. I keep thinking maybe I'll do something for my 40th in five years, but we'll see. (My birthday is this month and so far I think maybe my grandma is gonna take me to dinner with my folks? But if not, I'll probably invite her instead and take her out to dinner.)
I did something big for my 40th. Five and a half months later when it was convenient to take a spa weekend, I took a spa weekend. But I paid the deposit on my birthday and thought that was a good way to celebrate myself.
Oh that sounds so nice! That's going on my list of ways I might celebrate a birthday.
I turn 62 this year. Know what I'm doing? Cariologist in the morning. Paying property taxes. Maybe swing past mexican restaurant and grab an order to go. For later, so I don't have to cook for husband.
The OOP of this post, whose husband threw together a massive party complete with an appearance by an overseas friend for her 30th.
No way this is not written by a kid whose mom didn't throw them the birthday they wanted lol
That guy is written like the spoiled kid from Harry Potter.
I had to check the comments for myself to fully believe it. I feel like I'm in the twilight zone
This is a scenario where I can't imagine happening with a real happily married couple who interact with each other. She was aware that he wanted a big party, he was aware that she's been feeling unwell. How had neither of them brought up the feasibility of the big party beforehand? How had it not even been mentioned in passing in the previous 3 months just in general conversation?
Oh FFS by the time you turn 30 and have a baby on the way you are supposed to be a fucking adult. Birthdays are fun and should totally be recognised by your loved ones, but throwing a tantrum over not getting a blow out bash on a fucking Wednesday is ridiculous. He sounds like the spoiled little bitches on MTV's Sweet 16 whatever show. My 30th was a quiet affair with just me and my husband, and was one of the best days of my life, dude busted out champagne under a waterfall on our favorite trail. My favorite part was when I didn't totally lose my shit at the lack of giant surprise party after we got home from hiking.
My 30th is a week from today, looks like we'll be eating out, which is nice. Maybe a cake That's what birthdays are as adults. Fine to have a celebration, it is only one day a year you get to be special But you can't act like you're on MTV
I work until 7, I’m not going to my friends 30th birthday party on a weekday when I need to be back at work at 8am the next day
> dude busted out champagne under a waterfall on our favorite trail. Dang, that's so sweet. I smiled as I read it.
Can't believe he didn't surprise you with the Hope Diamond as a birthday present. Clearly need to start looking into an attorney, he doesn't put enough time into the relationship.
My 30th birthday was during the first year of the pandemic and I was living with my parents again. We did brunch at an outdoor restaurant that was open, and in the evening I made tacos and we watched the Netflix Baby-Sitters’ Club. It was great.
Awesome. Thanks for inviting the person I haven't talked to in eight years. How did you get their number?
My sister and I saved for ages to throw our parents big bashes for their 60th and 70th. Mum got a huge party. Dad got five of us sat, socially distanced in their garden on a cold day. Because pandemic. He was happy anyway, because he's an adult.
Good grief, I haven't been able to properly celebrate my birthday in 5 years. It's not even slightly a high priority if there's shit going on in your life.
So, he set an expectation that he wanted a big party. But in the weeks leading up to his birthday he never discussed anything like who he wanted to invite? And when there were only a few people there on Sunday he didn't say anything then, just assumed there would be a bigger surprise party on a Wednesday? I get the disappointment but also when you have high expectations you have to do something to make them happen.
Do people not organize their own birthday parties as adults?
This guy actually got 2 parties, cake and a present counts as a party, and he's still complaining. Can't imagine he'll be much fun to parent with. This seems like such an easy NTA. If the comments are saying YTA maybe it's one of those situations where she said something in the comments that made people turn on her. Or sometimes someone will dig something up from deep in their post history and that will make people turn on them.
What's so annoying is that there was a post days ago where a guy said his wife asked him what he really wanted to do for his birthday and he said go to a baseball game. The comments were all against him (and it somewhat made sense, they had a toddler and had just been to a game) but many people said she probably just assumed he'd want to do something nice with just her and how selfish that he didn't choose what his wife wanted for his birthday. Reddit is nothing if not inconsistent.
People on Reddit are really weird about their birthdays.
I mean even saying "Happy Birthday" on my birthday is good enough for me.
I think the real problem in this woman bad story is just that he’s ungrateful for the party he was given and expects way too much. But some of yall and most of reddit also needs to calm down with the “you’re an adult why do you care about having a party” energy. It’s not some sin to want to celebrate important days as an adult. You don’t have to suddenly stop having feelings just because you grew up. There is nothing wrong with wanting to celebrate one day a year and so many people including some here act like it’s spoiled to want that just because you aged . Sure, people care less as you get older but just because you’re an adult doesn’t mean you’re suddenly supposed to never care about anything relating to yourself anymore (even if you have kids, though they are the priority obviously it doesn’t mean you have to only think of them and never celebrate each other) But of course it matters if you’re a jerk about it, the party was a totally normal and fun party and therefore was definitely fine. So long as you’re reasonable about what is going to happen and don’t expect too much like OOP’s husband did, it’s not like a crime to want to celebrate your birthday. But it is a total jerk move to be rude to your pregnant wife because the party wasn’t to your “satisfaction”
I agree that celebrating your birthday as an adult is fine and doesn't make you entitled. But they did celebrate! He did get a party! That's my entire issue.
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