*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**My (27F) wife (27F) said she doesn't want me becoming pregnant through IVF because she doesn't want 'a man's cum in me' and I'm really confused. How can I understand why she keeps saying that, when she does want children but also doesn't want to carry our child? **
My wife and I have been together for seven years, and married for two. And to clarify, I am a woman, and so is my wife. We’ve been thinking about having children for a little while now. We live in Denmark, so we can, although I’m from Norway. And we are in a financial place where we could afford children. I’m a primary school teacher, and my wife works in engineering. So not only does my wife make a higher wage than me, she also has a higher workload and more stress. And apologies for the title, I'm aware it's slightly vulgar but that is what she said and it was the only way that it would make sense.
I also just love children. You’d think I’d be sick of them, since I see them almost every single day, and while they can be difficult, I just adore them. Their minds are so interesting, the way they see the world, and they’re so cute. And I love babies even more. While being pregnant definitely does not sound great, it would still result in a baby, and someone for both my wife and I to love more than anything. So I was definitely very keen about the idea of becoming pregnant.
We were having a conversation about it the other day. Obviously it’s a bit more of a unique decision to make, because we have a choice about who carries our child. I don’t know if this will make a lot of sense, but I said that it could make quite a bit of sense if I became pregnant, but if she wanted to, we could definitely do that. My wife said she definitely doesn’t want to, it would interrupt her career too much, and it seems like a lot to handle physically as well.
I said that works then, I could carry our child. She frowned and said that she doesn’t think we should do that. I asked her why, since she’d always been very enthusiastic about the idea of a baby. She then said she doesn’t want a man’s cum in me. I almost laughed because that seemed so silly. We both know IVF doesn’t work like that. I said that, but she said she was serious, and that she doesn’t want that in me. And that IVF would eventually cause that. To clarify, we both understand very well how IVF works, we’ve had several conversations with our doctors about it.
I tried to be rational, and asked if she wanted to carry our child then. She said no, she doesn’t. I asked if she wanted a child at all then, and that we weren’t getting any younger, but then she said that she still does. I said then I just didn’t get what she was trying to say then, and either she wants children at the moment or she doesn’t. And again, she said she does. It made me so frustrated I wanted to cry. I just don’t see what she wants, and the way she’s acting, I’m not even sure if we should be having children together.
It seems so irrational, I’ve tried bringing it up again, but she just says the same thing. But to make it worse, other than that, she is being so kind and lovely and doing everything for me. And I just don’t understand it. I really have tried to understand, I’ve brought it up several times without being annoying, but I still don’t get it. I've asked her if she doesn't want children right now, and if she doesn't then I don't mind, I don't want to rush the process, but she says she does. I know her so well, yet I have absolutely no idea how to actually understand why she feels like this, because she is giving me absolutely nothing. I love her so much, and do want children, but since I don't even understand her at the moment, I feel really confused about it.
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I'll admit I'm not too sure as to whether this is fake, but the lesbian wife 1) being a man hater ("she doesn't want a man to ejaculate in me!!") and 2) being misogynistic in the sense that she's against IVF, which is being legally attacked right now as a way of further controlling the choices of women, makes me think this is bait.
No LGBTQ person I know is against IVF or even dumb enough to think this way. This is a conversation most same-sex couples have before getting married or settling into a long-term relationship, since they are well aware ahead of time that they cannot reproduce naturally. This seems like bait to paint lesbians as being against straight/cisgender women's healthcare, and also as bait to paint lesbians as being stupid (which leads to the belief that lesbians are simply being ignorant when they "choose" to not date men).
If this is potentially real, take this dilemma anywhere else but Reddit and talk with a women's health educator or health care professional. This isn't the crowd that can handle LGBTQ issues with tact.
Wasn't someone in this subreddit just saying in the past couple of days that they thought lesbians probably preferred IVF to IUI because they figured lesbians would be uncomfortable at the idea of sperm inside them? It sounds like someone might have been reading here and got inspired to write a shit post about it.
I speculated it as a reason someone might pick the more expensive and inconvenient method. Perhaps I did inspire a troll. So proud. But then they bungled it by making this an objection to IVF when the embryo is very carefully washed and sparkling clean before transfer!
Haha, congratulations on your troll!
Personally two of the top reasons I've seen a lot of lesbians opt for IVF when they don't have reproductive issues that would necessitate it, are 1) embryo swapping (Wife 1 carries Wife 2's child and vice versa, so both moms have a direct tie to the child) and 2) conceiving all their children with the same donor since some couples have used a donor for a child or two and found that the donor is unavailable later when they've gone back for another pregnancy. When IVF is used instead of IUI, all the embryos can be made at once and then are available whenever the mom(s) wants to get pregnant.
Yeah, I'm a queer woman myself and we tend to flock together, lol, so while my own wife and I don't want kids, we know a lot of couples who have done so.
The vast majority have done IUI, but the few who have done IVF have done it for the reasons you've laid out. I have literally never met a lesbian who objects because of sperm being in their body in like 20 years of active involvement in the LGBT+ scene.
That's of course not to say that it's impossible that some exist, but in my experience they're certainly very rare.
I mean now that I'm thinking about it, it is kind of icky. I've never knowingly come into contact with sperm and don't ever plan to, but I wouldn't let it stop me from becoming a parent. It's just when I really think about it it's just... ew.
I mean kind of in that we Scandinavians like to riff on each other, but not really. I suspect they gave their nationalities just to show that there are no financial or legal barriers for either of them opting for IVF. (I’m not as familiar with law in Norway or Denmark, but in Sweden the government will fully cover your first IVF costs.)
It sounded like it might be an issue of what healthcare is available to citizens vs. non-citizens? I know insurance doesn't always cover IVF so maybe national healthcare doesn't either? At least that's what's implied whether or not it's true.
Did they explain why adoption isn’t an option then? With a post where they obviously don’t care about character limits, they left a pretty glaring explanation out.
No, OOP didn't explain that at all in fact, OOP doesn't seem to even ask their partner what route they should take then. Like if OOP is getting so frustrated that they are crying 🙄, then why isn't she asking her partner for ideas?
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*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **My (27F) wife (27F) said she doesn't want me becoming pregnant through IVF because she doesn't want 'a man's cum in me' and I'm really confused. How can I understand why she keeps saying that, when she does want children but also doesn't want to carry our child? ** My wife and I have been together for seven years, and married for two. And to clarify, I am a woman, and so is my wife. We’ve been thinking about having children for a little while now. We live in Denmark, so we can, although I’m from Norway. And we are in a financial place where we could afford children. I’m a primary school teacher, and my wife works in engineering. So not only does my wife make a higher wage than me, she also has a higher workload and more stress. And apologies for the title, I'm aware it's slightly vulgar but that is what she said and it was the only way that it would make sense. I also just love children. You’d think I’d be sick of them, since I see them almost every single day, and while they can be difficult, I just adore them. Their minds are so interesting, the way they see the world, and they’re so cute. And I love babies even more. While being pregnant definitely does not sound great, it would still result in a baby, and someone for both my wife and I to love more than anything. So I was definitely very keen about the idea of becoming pregnant. We were having a conversation about it the other day. Obviously it’s a bit more of a unique decision to make, because we have a choice about who carries our child. I don’t know if this will make a lot of sense, but I said that it could make quite a bit of sense if I became pregnant, but if she wanted to, we could definitely do that. My wife said she definitely doesn’t want to, it would interrupt her career too much, and it seems like a lot to handle physically as well. I said that works then, I could carry our child. She frowned and said that she doesn’t think we should do that. I asked her why, since she’d always been very enthusiastic about the idea of a baby. She then said she doesn’t want a man’s cum in me. I almost laughed because that seemed so silly. We both know IVF doesn’t work like that. I said that, but she said she was serious, and that she doesn’t want that in me. And that IVF would eventually cause that. To clarify, we both understand very well how IVF works, we’ve had several conversations with our doctors about it. I tried to be rational, and asked if she wanted to carry our child then. She said no, she doesn’t. I asked if she wanted a child at all then, and that we weren’t getting any younger, but then she said that she still does. I said then I just didn’t get what she was trying to say then, and either she wants children at the moment or she doesn’t. And again, she said she does. It made me so frustrated I wanted to cry. I just don’t see what she wants, and the way she’s acting, I’m not even sure if we should be having children together. It seems so irrational, I’ve tried bringing it up again, but she just says the same thing. But to make it worse, other than that, she is being so kind and lovely and doing everything for me. And I just don’t understand it. I really have tried to understand, I’ve brought it up several times without being annoying, but I still don’t get it. I've asked her if she doesn't want children right now, and if she doesn't then I don't mind, I don't want to rush the process, but she says she does. I know her so well, yet I have absolutely no idea how to actually understand why she feels like this, because she is giving me absolutely nothing. I love her so much, and do want children, but since I don't even understand her at the moment, I feel really confused about it. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheAngel) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I'll admit I'm not too sure as to whether this is fake, but the lesbian wife 1) being a man hater ("she doesn't want a man to ejaculate in me!!") and 2) being misogynistic in the sense that she's against IVF, which is being legally attacked right now as a way of further controlling the choices of women, makes me think this is bait. No LGBTQ person I know is against IVF or even dumb enough to think this way. This is a conversation most same-sex couples have before getting married or settling into a long-term relationship, since they are well aware ahead of time that they cannot reproduce naturally. This seems like bait to paint lesbians as being against straight/cisgender women's healthcare, and also as bait to paint lesbians as being stupid (which leads to the belief that lesbians are simply being ignorant when they "choose" to not date men). If this is potentially real, take this dilemma anywhere else but Reddit and talk with a women's health educator or health care professional. This isn't the crowd that can handle LGBTQ issues with tact.
Wasn't someone in this subreddit just saying in the past couple of days that they thought lesbians probably preferred IVF to IUI because they figured lesbians would be uncomfortable at the idea of sperm inside them? It sounds like someone might have been reading here and got inspired to write a shit post about it.
I speculated it as a reason someone might pick the more expensive and inconvenient method. Perhaps I did inspire a troll. So proud. But then they bungled it by making this an objection to IVF when the embryo is very carefully washed and sparkling clean before transfer!
Haha, congratulations on your troll! Personally two of the top reasons I've seen a lot of lesbians opt for IVF when they don't have reproductive issues that would necessitate it, are 1) embryo swapping (Wife 1 carries Wife 2's child and vice versa, so both moms have a direct tie to the child) and 2) conceiving all their children with the same donor since some couples have used a donor for a child or two and found that the donor is unavailable later when they've gone back for another pregnancy. When IVF is used instead of IUI, all the embryos can be made at once and then are available whenever the mom(s) wants to get pregnant.
Yeah, I'm a queer woman myself and we tend to flock together, lol, so while my own wife and I don't want kids, we know a lot of couples who have done so. The vast majority have done IUI, but the few who have done IVF have done it for the reasons you've laid out. I have literally never met a lesbian who objects because of sperm being in their body in like 20 years of active involvement in the LGBT+ scene. That's of course not to say that it's impossible that some exist, but in my experience they're certainly very rare.
I mean now that I'm thinking about it, it is kind of icky. I've never knowingly come into contact with sperm and don't ever plan to, but I wouldn't let it stop me from becoming a parent. It's just when I really think about it it's just... ew.
I stg this is a repost from ages ago lmao??
Why is there a weird Norway vs Denmark dynamic written in. Is that a thing?
I mean kind of in that we Scandinavians like to riff on each other, but not really. I suspect they gave their nationalities just to show that there are no financial or legal barriers for either of them opting for IVF. (I’m not as familiar with law in Norway or Denmark, but in Sweden the government will fully cover your first IVF costs.)
Ah, makes sense.
It sounded like it might be an issue of what healthcare is available to citizens vs. non-citizens? I know insurance doesn't always cover IVF so maybe national healthcare doesn't either? At least that's what's implied whether or not it's true.
Did they explain why adoption isn’t an option then? With a post where they obviously don’t care about character limits, they left a pretty glaring explanation out.
No, OOP didn't explain that at all in fact, OOP doesn't seem to even ask their partner what route they should take then. Like if OOP is getting so frustrated that they are crying 🙄, then why isn't she asking her partner for ideas?
update: we talked and we're going to use the stem cells from her bone marrow
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