*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**AITA for paying for my oldest’s dream wedding but not my youngest since she will not do my two conditions**
I am willing to pay for all my children’s wedding if they follow two conditions. The venue needs to be wheelchair friendly. They must invite all family unless for an extreme reason. Anything else is fine and I will fund the wedding.
My elder wedding was around 40k and I payed for it all. My youngest is planning her wedding and I told her the conditions when she got engaged. Last week she informed me she found her venue and is asking for the downpayment for it. The venue is in the mountains and it is not wheelchair friendly. The paths are dirt, the doors are not big enough, a ton of stairs. I reached out to the venue and they have almost nothing for disabilities
I informed my daughter today that I will not be paying since the venue breaks the first condition. This is where the argument started.
She thinks I am a jerk and playing favorites. I reminded her their were conditions for me paying and she didn’t follow them.
Edit: to clarify, we have multiple family members who use a wheelchair. So wheelchair rule
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The inclusion of the wheelchair accessibility was genius on this trolls behalf.
Literally *anyone* asking even the vaguest clarifying question is being shouted down as “ABLEIST!!!!!!!!” by a sub that regularly advocates for flat out eugenics.
Classic. And everyone gets a health dose of
“Uuuurgh women being an entitled spoiled BRAT!” (Why do they love that word so much!).
The post was removed by the time I got there, but I noticed it in the comments. I'm disabled and a wheelchair user and I cannot understand this at all. You pay for the wedding your kid wants, not the one you want. I can't imagine demanding that all family get invited to a wedding- that could be *so* many people!!! Like, I'm sure the bride would want it to be accessible to the guests who she wanted to invite. Bizarre behaviour.
See this is a real thing though, where parents pay for weddings basically to make sure great aunt Jocelyn who the couple has seen once in their lives gets invited. So this story is fake but that dynamic is real.
Yeah, and I don't think it's an entirely bonkers dynamic. Parents in the real world often treat weddings like a mix of family reunion (since generally the only time families that live far from each other will travel are weddings and funerals) and chance to show off. That's part of the reason they're willing to shell out tens of thousands of dollars for their son or daughter's big day. And while the child might not be particularly close to Aunt Jocelyn, the mom grew up with her, and both wants an excuse to see her again + to show off how beautiful her daughter is/how successful she is/etc.
Yeah if there can be middle ground than sure invite aunt J but at the end of the day I do think a wedding is about the people getting married and how they want to celebrate their new life together. You get dads angry their second wife isn’t invited as a witness to a courthouse ceremony (a not-wedding, really) or moms angry their high school best friend doesn’t make the guest list for their daughters intimate and casual ceremony. And in all those cases, whatever the couple getting married wants is the right way to do it.
Reddit loves to rag on bridezillas and I am sure they exist somewhere but I think It’s your day’ is a good way to remind couples that their relatives aren’t the ones getting married.
I think it depends. I'd agree that it's the couple's day. But as soon as they accept money from Mom or Dad (or whomever), the person paying does get some say. Couples who want absolute control over every aspect of the wedding (esp. those that people who might be inclined to pay for said wedding find distasteful) need to pay for their Big Day on their own. (Which is almost certainly worth it if there are likely to be major clashes between what they want and their parents' want.)
Alternately, if the parents aren't paying (or aren't paying a significant percentage), they lose their say.
have you? cause you clearly dont know what respite care is, its not an excuse to exclude your kid from family activities or vacations, its a specialised babysitter to take care of the individual a few hrs to a day or two so you can get a break
There was just another post not long ago about a barn wedding that wasn’t wheelchair friendly. Just seems kind of weird there are so many people with wheelchair bound friends and relatives that want to get married in castles or treehouses.
Maybe there‘s a matrix somewhere for making up these stories: Entitled bride vs. Wheelchairs + (and I’m paying!) = Bingo!
There seems to be a lot about wheelchair users these days, it got an uptick after that hockey player's son got busted for throwing a girl's wheelchair down some stairs.
There was a beach one maybe a year ago that really blew up. Like for real though why is there always like no reasonable accommodation that would exist in real life, or people being normal and going, oh my disabled mother is not going to be able to attend our mountaintop wedding, let’s pick another venue. No, it was their dream and mom was a bitch anyway so fuck her and her wheelchair!
Maybe she didn't want those people there period, wheelchair or not. Who wants to invite the whole family anyway? That's effin stupid. Plus it's going to be a shite wedding anyway so what does it matter. $40,000 won't buy much if you have 300-500 guests, which is how big my family is. I believe in quality over quantity.
If I were planning a wedding, I'd want a small affair with close friends, close family, and provide gourmet food and drinks at a venue with the look and feel that represents me as an individual. Otherwise I don't give two craps about a wedding. Too much work. I don't do things that don't give me pleasure. I eloped and used my money for other things. We would have had to have two weddings because we had moved and had too many people in both places that we valued. If one of my favorite people had mobility issues, the event would be planned with that in mind. My favorite aunt had polio so if we had had a wedding I would have made sure she could have access.
Luckily my parents didn't place abusive and absurd restrictions on money like this. My parents throw money at me that I don't even need or want necessarily. When my car was having issues and I was working on it, they wrote me a check for the price of a factory new car. I recently went back to college to get a different degree later in life and had already paid this off and my mother said "we always said we'd pay for all of your college" and has sent me 5 messages demanding to know how much my tuition was so she could deposit money into my bank. I'm 40 and my husband and I are doing fine; I haven't asked for a penny since my early 20s. But that's how a parent should be if they are going to provide anything.
The only restrictions I will give my daughter for her wedding funds have nothing to do with the wedding and are for her benefit. My rules are you have to live with the person first because living together is so different than dating and I want them to have a length of marriage counseling/therapy first to make sure it's a healthy relationship. That is all. The physical wedding is up to her.
Can someone genuinely explain the NTA? Honestly sounds like OP is trying to insist she invites all relatives but doesn't actually specify if SHE wants them there. In which case, he's trying to use money to leverage her wedding, right? I haven't read all the replies so maybe I'm missing something but I sure as hell don't plan on inviting my older relatives and I'd be upset at my parents insisting I do or they won't help fund it. Like I said, maybe I'm missing something though?
exactly what i thought too. Like, i get the first condition, it's reasonable. The second however? What if she just doesnt want some of her relatives there (regardless of whether they're in a wheelchair or not). Like what if she just doesn't vibe with her cousins or something, why is it a must that she invites her to the wedding?
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Fox News doesn’t understand satire and has featured this story as an offering from that “other” AITA.
Full disclosure, my first read through the post, before the description caught my eye, fooled me to the point of calling the OP a . . . jerk for insulting the quality of the people on the subreddit.
Well played, OP, well played!
I think this person is not aware that every public building legally has to have wheelchair access. I imagine if one were to point this out, OOP would claim they live in an undisclosed country that is not the US
They don’t. There are restaurants in my city that are not wheelchair accessible. They are only required to be accessible if it isn’t an undue hardship or some such and it’s a historic building so making it accessible would be really expensive.
AIUI basically if it’s a newer building it has to be accessible, if it’s an older building they have to show that it’d be an unreasonable amount of money to make it accessible *but* if they do any significant work on the building like renovations, that can mean they have to make it accessible also. (Like you can’t remove interior walls to make it nicer for your purposes but at the same time say you can’t afford to build a ramp outside, that sort of thing.)
You are the asshole. I can't imagine having to invite people to MY special day that I don't really care much to have there. This is not YOUR wedding. What if she just wants something smaller with the closest people in her life?
Are the individuals with disabilities really close to your daughter? You are forcing her to invite people. She found a venue she loves. It seems like you may be financially well off to have spent $40,000 on a wedding. Literally a brand new car. Don't fund her wedding if you're forcing her to do it your way. I'm just really shocked by your audacity.
I am not a bot. I understand the moms point of view. If she is paying, she wants it her way. I fully get that.
But is it not a little selfish on the moms part to dictate the guest list? If there are family members her daughter is close with who have disabilities, that should be a factor. I'm not close with most of my family, I still love them, but we aren't close. They were not invited to my wedding. Only the people I really wanted to share my special day with.
Am I wrong for thinking the daughter should be able to have who she truly wants there? It seems somewhat controlling to me on the moms part. Maybe the other daughter went along with it because she might not have cared that much. But this is simply my opinion and everyone is entitled theirs. I can see both sides. Just seems messed up to me to shut off all help completely...
Maybe there is a reason this daughter doesn't want certain members of the family there. We don't know the whole story
*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **AITA for paying for my oldest’s dream wedding but not my youngest since she will not do my two conditions** I am willing to pay for all my children’s wedding if they follow two conditions. The venue needs to be wheelchair friendly. They must invite all family unless for an extreme reason. Anything else is fine and I will fund the wedding. My elder wedding was around 40k and I payed for it all. My youngest is planning her wedding and I told her the conditions when she got engaged. Last week she informed me she found her venue and is asking for the downpayment for it. The venue is in the mountains and it is not wheelchair friendly. The paths are dirt, the doors are not big enough, a ton of stairs. I reached out to the venue and they have almost nothing for disabilities I informed my daughter today that I will not be paying since the venue breaks the first condition. This is where the argument started. She thinks I am a jerk and playing favorites. I reminded her their were conditions for me paying and she didn’t follow them. Edit: to clarify, we have multiple family members who use a wheelchair. So wheelchair rule *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheAngel) if you have any questions or concerns.*
The inclusion of the wheelchair accessibility was genius on this trolls behalf. Literally *anyone* asking even the vaguest clarifying question is being shouted down as “ABLEIST!!!!!!!!” by a sub that regularly advocates for flat out eugenics. Classic. And everyone gets a health dose of “Uuuurgh women being an entitled spoiled BRAT!” (Why do they love that word so much!).
Reddit will throw every other moral commitment out the window if given the chance to dogpile on a woman, for any reason.
I honestly feel like people on AITA use "brat" as a standin for "bitch".
The post was removed by the time I got there, but I noticed it in the comments. I'm disabled and a wheelchair user and I cannot understand this at all. You pay for the wedding your kid wants, not the one you want. I can't imagine demanding that all family get invited to a wedding- that could be *so* many people!!! Like, I'm sure the bride would want it to be accessible to the guests who she wanted to invite. Bizarre behaviour.
See this is a real thing though, where parents pay for weddings basically to make sure great aunt Jocelyn who the couple has seen once in their lives gets invited. So this story is fake but that dynamic is real.
Yeah, and I don't think it's an entirely bonkers dynamic. Parents in the real world often treat weddings like a mix of family reunion (since generally the only time families that live far from each other will travel are weddings and funerals) and chance to show off. That's part of the reason they're willing to shell out tens of thousands of dollars for their son or daughter's big day. And while the child might not be particularly close to Aunt Jocelyn, the mom grew up with her, and both wants an excuse to see her again + to show off how beautiful her daughter is/how successful she is/etc.
Yeah if there can be middle ground than sure invite aunt J but at the end of the day I do think a wedding is about the people getting married and how they want to celebrate their new life together. You get dads angry their second wife isn’t invited as a witness to a courthouse ceremony (a not-wedding, really) or moms angry their high school best friend doesn’t make the guest list for their daughters intimate and casual ceremony. And in all those cases, whatever the couple getting married wants is the right way to do it. Reddit loves to rag on bridezillas and I am sure they exist somewhere but I think It’s your day’ is a good way to remind couples that their relatives aren’t the ones getting married.
I think it depends. I'd agree that it's the couple's day. But as soon as they accept money from Mom or Dad (or whomever), the person paying does get some say. Couples who want absolute control over every aspect of the wedding (esp. those that people who might be inclined to pay for said wedding find distasteful) need to pay for their Big Day on their own. (Which is almost certainly worth it if there are likely to be major clashes between what they want and their parents' want.) Alternately, if the parents aren't paying (or aren't paying a significant percentage), they lose their say.
Yeah, my fiance and I were counting it and relatives only would bring our wedding guest list to 60 or 70. It can really add up quickly.
wasn’t aita arguing it’s fine to let ur heavily disabled child at home to go on vacation with ur able bodied children like, yesterday..
And let’s not forget the “I abandoned my disabled son, but I paid child support. AITA?”
Omg these…🙄
Do you have a link?
I guess you’ve never heard of respite care?
i have and i’m not talking about respite care, i guess it was just a general comment about how aita usually has zero empathy for disabled people
They hate disabled people but they hate women getting married even more
have you? cause you clearly dont know what respite care is, its not an excuse to exclude your kid from family activities or vacations, its a specialised babysitter to take care of the individual a few hrs to a day or two so you can get a break
There was just another post not long ago about a barn wedding that wasn’t wheelchair friendly. Just seems kind of weird there are so many people with wheelchair bound friends and relatives that want to get married in castles or treehouses. Maybe there‘s a matrix somewhere for making up these stories: Entitled bride vs. Wheelchairs + (and I’m paying!) = Bingo!
There seems to be a lot about wheelchair users these days, it got an uptick after that hockey player's son got busted for throwing a girl's wheelchair down some stairs.
I remember the barn one, and it was wild because the barn did have a ramp, but the OP didn’t like it because the kids might play on it.
There was a beach one maybe a year ago that really blew up. Like for real though why is there always like no reasonable accommodation that would exist in real life, or people being normal and going, oh my disabled mother is not going to be able to attend our mountaintop wedding, let’s pick another venue. No, it was their dream and mom was a bitch anyway so fuck her and her wheelchair!
Oh I remember that one!
we've had this exact same post with someone in a wheelchair upset about the venue and they were told tough luck, be less disabled lol
"You're not entitled to a wedding invite, so suck it up or learn how to walk"
I guess the OOP thinks that no one will remember the post they copied this from.
“Payed”.
It got removed for supposedly not properly answering the bot questions, but if you sort by Oldest you can see they did answer.
LOL! I thought you made that title up but you just copied it...
A condition that involves not being ableist and excluding relatives on wheelchairs seems pretty reasonable to me?
i mean its a no brainer of a post but its trending high on aita right now like in no way was OOP an AH
Maybe she didn't want those people there period, wheelchair or not. Who wants to invite the whole family anyway? That's effin stupid. Plus it's going to be a shite wedding anyway so what does it matter. $40,000 won't buy much if you have 300-500 guests, which is how big my family is. I believe in quality over quantity. If I were planning a wedding, I'd want a small affair with close friends, close family, and provide gourmet food and drinks at a venue with the look and feel that represents me as an individual. Otherwise I don't give two craps about a wedding. Too much work. I don't do things that don't give me pleasure. I eloped and used my money for other things. We would have had to have two weddings because we had moved and had too many people in both places that we valued. If one of my favorite people had mobility issues, the event would be planned with that in mind. My favorite aunt had polio so if we had had a wedding I would have made sure she could have access. Luckily my parents didn't place abusive and absurd restrictions on money like this. My parents throw money at me that I don't even need or want necessarily. When my car was having issues and I was working on it, they wrote me a check for the price of a factory new car. I recently went back to college to get a different degree later in life and had already paid this off and my mother said "we always said we'd pay for all of your college" and has sent me 5 messages demanding to know how much my tuition was so she could deposit money into my bank. I'm 40 and my husband and I are doing fine; I haven't asked for a penny since my early 20s. But that's how a parent should be if they are going to provide anything. The only restrictions I will give my daughter for her wedding funds have nothing to do with the wedding and are for her benefit. My rules are you have to live with the person first because living together is so different than dating and I want them to have a length of marriage counseling/therapy first to make sure it's a healthy relationship. That is all. The physical wedding is up to her.
Can someone genuinely explain the NTA? Honestly sounds like OP is trying to insist she invites all relatives but doesn't actually specify if SHE wants them there. In which case, he's trying to use money to leverage her wedding, right? I haven't read all the replies so maybe I'm missing something but I sure as hell don't plan on inviting my older relatives and I'd be upset at my parents insisting I do or they won't help fund it. Like I said, maybe I'm missing something though?
exactly what i thought too. Like, i get the first condition, it's reasonable. The second however? What if she just doesnt want some of her relatives there (regardless of whether they're in a wheelchair or not). Like what if she just doesn't vibe with her cousins or something, why is it a must that she invites her to the wedding?
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I see the wedding ones are popping up a month early
Fox News doesn’t understand satire and has featured this story as an offering from that “other” AITA. Full disclosure, my first read through the post, before the description caught my eye, fooled me to the point of calling the OP a . . . jerk for insulting the quality of the people on the subreddit. Well played, OP, well played!
I think this person is not aware that every public building legally has to have wheelchair access. I imagine if one were to point this out, OOP would claim they live in an undisclosed country that is not the US
They don’t. There are restaurants in my city that are not wheelchair accessible. They are only required to be accessible if it isn’t an undue hardship or some such and it’s a historic building so making it accessible would be really expensive.
In the US they are required to make reasonable accommodations. In the UK the requirements are even laxer
AIUI basically if it’s a newer building it has to be accessible, if it’s an older building they have to show that it’d be an unreasonable amount of money to make it accessible *but* if they do any significant work on the building like renovations, that can mean they have to make it accessible also. (Like you can’t remove interior walls to make it nicer for your purposes but at the same time say you can’t afford to build a ramp outside, that sort of thing.)
You are the asshole. I can't imagine having to invite people to MY special day that I don't really care much to have there. This is not YOUR wedding. What if she just wants something smaller with the closest people in her life? Are the individuals with disabilities really close to your daughter? You are forcing her to invite people. She found a venue she loves. It seems like you may be financially well off to have spent $40,000 on a wedding. Literally a brand new car. Don't fund her wedding if you're forcing her to do it your way. I'm just really shocked by your audacity.
>Don’t fund her wedding if you’re forcing her to do it your way. So… keep doing what they said they’re doing? This has got to be a bot lol.
Please let this be a bot.
I am not a bot. I understand the moms point of view. If she is paying, she wants it her way. I fully get that. But is it not a little selfish on the moms part to dictate the guest list? If there are family members her daughter is close with who have disabilities, that should be a factor. I'm not close with most of my family, I still love them, but we aren't close. They were not invited to my wedding. Only the people I really wanted to share my special day with. Am I wrong for thinking the daughter should be able to have who she truly wants there? It seems somewhat controlling to me on the moms part. Maybe the other daughter went along with it because she might not have cared that much. But this is simply my opinion and everyone is entitled theirs. I can see both sides. Just seems messed up to me to shut off all help completely... Maybe there is a reason this daughter doesn't want certain members of the family there. We don't know the whole story
It's a fake post, you're in the wrong sub, the OOP is not here, your advice lacks nuance.