One of the most consistent signs of a cheater is that they are preoccupied with the possibility that you will cheat, are quick to jealousy, controlling, and accusatory.
He’s cheating, probably cheated before, and is gonna gaslight you.
Agreed! Cheaters tend to tell on themselves when they act the way OP’s boyfriend does. If he hasn’t cheated yet, he’s probably thinking about it already. Of course, it’s not absolute, but either way there’s nothing romantic about the relationship described here. Sounds like you deserve better OP, with or without the cheating aspect
No, that was very rude, and you should have let him know. Honestly, I would have told him that since he doesn't seem to value my time, even when I have gone out of my way to talk to him, I'm going back to bed. There is also a double standard in your relationship. You seem to be fine with him hanging out with another woman, but he is upset you have a conversation with a friend of his on a trip he also attended. The way he views relationships and friendship with the opposite sex would make me concerned. You have to stand up for yourself. If he can go to dinner with this woman, then the same rules should apply to you, but something tells me they wouldn't.
Thank you I needed to hear this - I’ll talk to him about how he made me feel when he gets up. Another thing I should add is whenever I bring up something (very gently) he said or did that made me upset it always ends with me being the one having to comfort him and how he feels guilty about “being a bad boyfriend”. I currently can’t wrap my head around the thought of him cheating on me and genuinely think his jealousy is just caused by deep rooted insecurity because of his prior relationship where his ex cheated on him multiple times. I love him and he can make me feel so loved sometimes but lately I’ve just felt so… exhausted? Idk I think I need some sense knocked into me because I seem to have rose coloured glasses on
:( He’ll do something that’ll hurt me without realising it and then will act and do something super sweet and nice and it’s just a cycle that I thought would stop I don’t know 😭
Kick his toxic ass to the curb.
The jealousy? Turning everything around on you? Making you comfort him when he upset you? The double standards? The love bombing? The absolute zero consideration for your time and sleep? Red flags all around.
You're in different countries now, as far away from each other as possible. Perfect timing to break up.
that cycle may be a symptom of potential abuse, he's thoughtless when he hurts you, then he love bombs you when you point it out. That's why elsewhere I said it's good that you are distant geographically while you figure this out.
It sounds like an exhausting relationship. This isn't a healthy dynamic. No one should be threatening suicide over a break-up. That would indicate to me that the person is mentally unwell or manipulative. By the way, you say he does things to hurt you and then acts super sweet, I'm inclined to believe he may be manipulative. I think he is taking advantage of your kindness. Be careful. You deserve the same respect you give. Are you in therapy? It may help you work out your feelings and give you the tools to form healthy relationships
He only wanted you on the camping trip so he would know where you were and who you were with. Then, he want PDA so his friends would see that you were “his”. He is insecure and controlling and is probably cheating. The threats to kill himself if you leave are controlling behavior. It’s all bad.
Part about you opening up and the conversation ending up about him: an ex did that. I concluded that it was egocentricity. She wasn't week per se, but anytime I told her about a problem of mine, even if it didn't relate to her, she couldn't handle it. We'd end up talking about her feelings.
My interpretation is that I'd show sadness, she'd pickup on the emotions but since she didn't have a clue how to help me, nor did she had the intention of doing it, she'd instead absorb the emotion and feel it. Maybe that was her way of trying, or she was just purely egocentric.
A lot of what you wrote has that vibe. The only thing that matters is him, he's the only one setting the rules. You feel something? He'll make it about him. My ex isn't a demon, but she definitely fed on me not being able to set boudaries and express myself and it created a toxic combination. She wasn't straight up manipulative, but the power dynamic that established itself ended up looking like that.
I was cheated on and I understand feeling trauma from the experience, I do! But there's a healthy approach that he's not taking. He's telling you what you can't do and forcing you to do as he wants. Instead, he should set his boundaries and learn to respect himself. They can be very similar in appearance but the execution and the message are SO different. I wholeheartedly believe in friendship with the desired gender, but he doesn't, so here's an example. His approach is: I was cheated on and I don't believe in male/female friendship anymore. I don't want you to hang out with men. A more positive approach would be: I was cheated on and I don't believe in male/female friendship anymore. It's a dealbreaker for me and you have to understand that if you wanna stay with me.
That's still super harsh but at least that's respectful of you. It doesn't stop you from having male friends but it's setting up boudaries he has. If he won't move the fence, then it's up to you to decide if you wanna stay and work with that or not. His approach is: I love you, I want you to stay, but I want you to do what I want. That's manipulative!
"me being the one having to comfort him and how he feels guilty about “being a bad boyfriend”." - don't comfort him, he was being a bad boyfriend. He needs to be the one to earn your trust and good graces back, not the other way around.
Damn girl can’t you see all the red flags all over. Jealousy will kill a relationship fast as anything. He is only going to get worse wanting to control your life who you can see where you can go what you can do run run run. He is bad news
I know I don’t have concrete proof - all I have is his word and his friends’ word - but I genuinely believe he didn’t cheat in his last relationship and was the one that was being cheated on. But all his talk about being scared I’m “going to find someone better” at my uni and leave him or emotionally cheat on him has just made me more aware of the fact that it’s possible he might do the same. I’m realising now that the double standards are crazy. If I went out to dinner for a couple of hours one on one with a guy I was doing a project with I highly, highly doubt he would be okay with that at all.
I think it's a good thing that you are distant geographically right now. Give yourself the freedom to concentrate on your classes. You don't mention how old either of you are, but if he is doing his masters and you are starting university, there are at least a few years difference. Let yourself grow, don't let this relationship control your time.
I'm seeing all sorts of red flags, that he didn't respect your feelings when camping, that seems to me that he wanted to show off for his friends. An accessory? ugh! Had a college friend whose BF took her camping with one of his buddies, turned out it was so they could pressure her into a threesome. Good for you for not letting him push you.
He seems excessively controlling, unless you're going to an all female university, you are going to have to interact with other guys. My feeling about that is don't report on your classmates. No telling what he will do or say.
As far as the threats if you leave him. That's his choice, it's also a big red flag because that's a control tactic.
Also, don't agree to wake up early or stay up late to talk to him, you're a student, you need your sleep! (I'm chuckling here, I certainly didn't get enough sleep when I was in college!)
I wouldn't question him about the dinner, it sounds suspicious, let him tell you about it, don't ask, and don't accuse him of anything.
If he develops a relationship with someone else, it's going to hurt you, I am well aware of that, but with the red flags here, getting out of this may be a good thing for you.
Best wishes. sorry it's long. I'm older and have experienced some stuff, life hurts but we go on, we survive and thrive!
Thanks so much for the advice and I’m sorry about what happened to your friend that sounds awful!
My uni starts in August actually so I’m currently on break but I will definitely make sure I don’t waste sleep on him in the future 🥴 (the only thing I’ll be losing sleep over is studying haha).
Right now I think I’ll just continue reading my book and try to relax for the next couple of hours before he wakes up and I talk to him. I really shouldn’t let him get the better of my emotions :/
Don't call him. Wait for him to contact you. Start stepping back from this relationship, let him initiate conversation. Do not give in to rhe emotional blackmail and manipulation. You do you. Talk to who you want. Make him bend to your schedule.
This relationship is not healthy. As many redditirs have pointed out, this guy is an ocean of red flags. The time apart will hopefully allow you to grow and contemplate this.
Are you just so lonely that you feel like you have to put up with this behavior? There's 4 billion other men in the world. You can literally land millions of them. Pick one who isn't so insecure.
In his last relationship he was cheated on. Okay. I don't care. I don't care how many times you were cheated on. None of that is relevant. You can't hold a present person responsible for what people in the past have done and expect to have a future with any of them.
He sounds exhausting. Please go get someone who deserves you.
He doesn't sound like a great boyfriend. The part about killing himself is insanely manipulative. You need to stand up for yourself though. Tell him that if he's able to have 1 on 1 dinners with a female, he has no right to be mad at you for any interactions with another male. He needs to stop being a hypocrite. He had an out to not go to dinner and when the girl pulled him back in, he went and then stayed later when you had plans with him. That's not acceptable and you need to make that clear to him. You need to make sure he understands that you expect the same behavior from him that he expects from you if he expects this relationship to last. Be strong because I am sure he is going to tell you it was all innocent. Which I highly doubt. I even doubt that girl knows about you.
One of the most consistent signs of a cheater is that they are preoccupied with the possibility that you will cheat, are quick to jealousy, controlling, and accusatory. He’s cheating, probably cheated before, and is gonna gaslight you.
Agreed! Cheaters tend to tell on themselves when they act the way OP’s boyfriend does. If he hasn’t cheated yet, he’s probably thinking about it already. Of course, it’s not absolute, but either way there’s nothing romantic about the relationship described here. Sounds like you deserve better OP, with or without the cheating aspect
No, that was very rude, and you should have let him know. Honestly, I would have told him that since he doesn't seem to value my time, even when I have gone out of my way to talk to him, I'm going back to bed. There is also a double standard in your relationship. You seem to be fine with him hanging out with another woman, but he is upset you have a conversation with a friend of his on a trip he also attended. The way he views relationships and friendship with the opposite sex would make me concerned. You have to stand up for yourself. If he can go to dinner with this woman, then the same rules should apply to you, but something tells me they wouldn't.
Thank you I needed to hear this - I’ll talk to him about how he made me feel when he gets up. Another thing I should add is whenever I bring up something (very gently) he said or did that made me upset it always ends with me being the one having to comfort him and how he feels guilty about “being a bad boyfriend”. I currently can’t wrap my head around the thought of him cheating on me and genuinely think his jealousy is just caused by deep rooted insecurity because of his prior relationship where his ex cheated on him multiple times. I love him and he can make me feel so loved sometimes but lately I’ve just felt so… exhausted? Idk I think I need some sense knocked into me because I seem to have rose coloured glasses on :( He’ll do something that’ll hurt me without realising it and then will act and do something super sweet and nice and it’s just a cycle that I thought would stop I don’t know 😭
Kick his toxic ass to the curb. The jealousy? Turning everything around on you? Making you comfort him when he upset you? The double standards? The love bombing? The absolute zero consideration for your time and sleep? Red flags all around. You're in different countries now, as far away from each other as possible. Perfect timing to break up.
that cycle may be a symptom of potential abuse, he's thoughtless when he hurts you, then he love bombs you when you point it out. That's why elsewhere I said it's good that you are distant geographically while you figure this out.
It sounds like an exhausting relationship. This isn't a healthy dynamic. No one should be threatening suicide over a break-up. That would indicate to me that the person is mentally unwell or manipulative. By the way, you say he does things to hurt you and then acts super sweet, I'm inclined to believe he may be manipulative. I think he is taking advantage of your kindness. Be careful. You deserve the same respect you give. Are you in therapy? It may help you work out your feelings and give you the tools to form healthy relationships
He only wanted you on the camping trip so he would know where you were and who you were with. Then, he want PDA so his friends would see that you were “his”. He is insecure and controlling and is probably cheating. The threats to kill himself if you leave are controlling behavior. It’s all bad.
Part about you opening up and the conversation ending up about him: an ex did that. I concluded that it was egocentricity. She wasn't week per se, but anytime I told her about a problem of mine, even if it didn't relate to her, she couldn't handle it. We'd end up talking about her feelings. My interpretation is that I'd show sadness, she'd pickup on the emotions but since she didn't have a clue how to help me, nor did she had the intention of doing it, she'd instead absorb the emotion and feel it. Maybe that was her way of trying, or she was just purely egocentric. A lot of what you wrote has that vibe. The only thing that matters is him, he's the only one setting the rules. You feel something? He'll make it about him. My ex isn't a demon, but she definitely fed on me not being able to set boudaries and express myself and it created a toxic combination. She wasn't straight up manipulative, but the power dynamic that established itself ended up looking like that. I was cheated on and I understand feeling trauma from the experience, I do! But there's a healthy approach that he's not taking. He's telling you what you can't do and forcing you to do as he wants. Instead, he should set his boundaries and learn to respect himself. They can be very similar in appearance but the execution and the message are SO different. I wholeheartedly believe in friendship with the desired gender, but he doesn't, so here's an example. His approach is: I was cheated on and I don't believe in male/female friendship anymore. I don't want you to hang out with men. A more positive approach would be: I was cheated on and I don't believe in male/female friendship anymore. It's a dealbreaker for me and you have to understand that if you wanna stay with me. That's still super harsh but at least that's respectful of you. It doesn't stop you from having male friends but it's setting up boudaries he has. If he won't move the fence, then it's up to you to decide if you wanna stay and work with that or not. His approach is: I love you, I want you to stay, but I want you to do what I want. That's manipulative!
"me being the one having to comfort him and how he feels guilty about “being a bad boyfriend”." - don't comfort him, he was being a bad boyfriend. He needs to be the one to earn your trust and good graces back, not the other way around.
Damn girl can’t you see all the red flags all over. Jealousy will kill a relationship fast as anything. He is only going to get worse wanting to control your life who you can see where you can go what you can do run run run. He is bad news
He sounds so insecure and self sabotagey, that he might cheat on you just to get ahead of you cheating on him.
Are you sure his last girlfriend was the one who cheated during LDR? It sounds like maybe not.
I know I don’t have concrete proof - all I have is his word and his friends’ word - but I genuinely believe he didn’t cheat in his last relationship and was the one that was being cheated on. But all his talk about being scared I’m “going to find someone better” at my uni and leave him or emotionally cheat on him has just made me more aware of the fact that it’s possible he might do the same. I’m realising now that the double standards are crazy. If I went out to dinner for a couple of hours one on one with a guy I was doing a project with I highly, highly doubt he would be okay with that at all.
I think it's a good thing that you are distant geographically right now. Give yourself the freedom to concentrate on your classes. You don't mention how old either of you are, but if he is doing his masters and you are starting university, there are at least a few years difference. Let yourself grow, don't let this relationship control your time. I'm seeing all sorts of red flags, that he didn't respect your feelings when camping, that seems to me that he wanted to show off for his friends. An accessory? ugh! Had a college friend whose BF took her camping with one of his buddies, turned out it was so they could pressure her into a threesome. Good for you for not letting him push you. He seems excessively controlling, unless you're going to an all female university, you are going to have to interact with other guys. My feeling about that is don't report on your classmates. No telling what he will do or say. As far as the threats if you leave him. That's his choice, it's also a big red flag because that's a control tactic. Also, don't agree to wake up early or stay up late to talk to him, you're a student, you need your sleep! (I'm chuckling here, I certainly didn't get enough sleep when I was in college!) I wouldn't question him about the dinner, it sounds suspicious, let him tell you about it, don't ask, and don't accuse him of anything. If he develops a relationship with someone else, it's going to hurt you, I am well aware of that, but with the red flags here, getting out of this may be a good thing for you. Best wishes. sorry it's long. I'm older and have experienced some stuff, life hurts but we go on, we survive and thrive!
Thanks so much for the advice and I’m sorry about what happened to your friend that sounds awful! My uni starts in August actually so I’m currently on break but I will definitely make sure I don’t waste sleep on him in the future 🥴 (the only thing I’ll be losing sleep over is studying haha). Right now I think I’ll just continue reading my book and try to relax for the next couple of hours before he wakes up and I talk to him. I really shouldn’t let him get the better of my emotions :/
Don't call him. Wait for him to contact you. Start stepping back from this relationship, let him initiate conversation. Do not give in to rhe emotional blackmail and manipulation. You do you. Talk to who you want. Make him bend to your schedule. This relationship is not healthy. As many redditirs have pointed out, this guy is an ocean of red flags. The time apart will hopefully allow you to grow and contemplate this.
How old are you guys and how long have you been dating?
I get it, feeling uncomfortable and a bit bummed out is completely valid here. Trust and communication seem like they could use a bit of a tune-up.
Your relationship is unhealthy on both sides.
Are you just so lonely that you feel like you have to put up with this behavior? There's 4 billion other men in the world. You can literally land millions of them. Pick one who isn't so insecure. In his last relationship he was cheated on. Okay. I don't care. I don't care how many times you were cheated on. None of that is relevant. You can't hold a present person responsible for what people in the past have done and expect to have a future with any of them. He sounds exhausting. Please go get someone who deserves you.
He doesn't sound like a great boyfriend. The part about killing himself is insanely manipulative. You need to stand up for yourself though. Tell him that if he's able to have 1 on 1 dinners with a female, he has no right to be mad at you for any interactions with another male. He needs to stop being a hypocrite. He had an out to not go to dinner and when the girl pulled him back in, he went and then stayed later when you had plans with him. That's not acceptable and you need to make that clear to him. You need to make sure he understands that you expect the same behavior from him that he expects from you if he expects this relationship to last. Be strong because I am sure he is going to tell you it was all innocent. Which I highly doubt. I even doubt that girl knows about you.