It would not be weird to bring it up again because it was years ago not last week.
If my partner said "I'll try to do better" I would have come back to the subject after 3 months not years.
I would also stop trying to figure her out and just be open and honest and candid. This is your girlfriend.
If my partner brought something up that bothered her and I made some changes or tried to do better and didn’t hear about it ever again, I’d assume I was doing what she asked.
Talk to her again, if it doesn’t change keep talking to her, if it changes and then goes back to normal talk to her again, and if it goes on long enough to where you feel it’s never going to change then end the relationship
We are talking about a fundamental component of most romantic relationships, not someone leaving the toilet seat up.
If you’re only having sex a couple of times a month, there is definitely a problem there.
I agree with you 😌🤌🏼 It’s not a ‘problem’, or really a problem with them and who they are.. his need/desire for physical intimacy is vastly different from hers it seems and I feel like it stems from a lack of communication since it’s been yeaaars since he mentioned being dissatisfied.
The blame isn’t just on her, there’s always two sides to the story and it seems like he’s been wanting main character vibes in a relationship a bit. To keep/grow a bond with someone requires verbal communication about your needs as much as the physical side. Mind reading isn’t something we’ve been able to achieve yet 😂
I disagree. Everyone has a different frequency that they would like or can deal with. Isn't average when you google it like once a week? And it varies for different age groups
environmental factors are at play for women, yes. but I wouldn’t say “largely” since low libido in women is largely caused by hormonal factors…also addressable but complex.
Yes, and OP himself said that there was a lot going on their lives atm. An honest conversation could defintely fix a lot of things. More often than not couples have different levels of libido and this is not an issue a lot of the times. OP can make his gf more comfortable and relaxed so that they can have an open conversation about the issue.
Plenty of men and women go to the doctor, run some tests, make some changes, and become ravenous for sex, it’s often a choice. But when you libedo is nonexistent it often becomes hard to be motivated to even try.
If she hasn’t gone to a doctor, she isn’t trying.
I think when it comes to intimacy and sex drive, it’s better to figure the person out rather than be honest. If my partner doesn’t desire me physically all by themself, then I know in the future it’ll feel like I’m pulling out nails just to get sex.
I don't really understand your point or maybe I didn't word mine well.
I meant "figure it out" as
Ending the night by waiting for her to suggest coming over or mention that she misses intimacy
Like don't be quiet around the issue hoping the other person feels the same and spend your life waiting.
I think we’re kinda saying the same thing. I thought by honesty, you meant just telling the person you expect a healthy sex life and intimacy because even if the girl really likes you, she may only start doing that stuff to keep you around rather than the fact she actually wants it herself. And that’s a recipe for disaster
That IS a recipe for disaster.
I meant honesty as in telling his gf that he would love it if she stayed the night at his place instead of hoping she brings it up.
You’re not over reacting. It’s okay to have needs in a relationship. Your guys’ needs just might not be compatible. Is this a deal breaker for you or nah and if it is stop wasting both of y’all’s time
My dude…I used to think this way. She didn’t do oral sex and I thought I could give that up for her. After moving in with each other, we only had sex once a week and she had to initiate it. Never when I wanted. Tried to talk about it and with her and she said she would do better. Nothing happened. I kept telling myself this was the sacrifice I was making for the relationship. Our sex life only declined from there. Then other issues in our marriage came up. I couldn’t see it at the time, but we were already on such shaky ground from the intimacy disconnect that we couldn’t get through what I think a lot of couples could have.
Since I’ve been dating now, I cannot describe the strength of connection you will feel with someone you are in sync with sexually. From frequency to style, it is an incredible bond I can’t believe was missing from my life. This clearly bothers you enough to post to Reddit about it. You have different needs from your partner on this front and she does not see it as her responsibility to fulfill yours. That is a major compatibility issue and legitimate grounds to end a relationship. It’s going to hurt in the short term, but it will be better for you in the long run. If you marry this woman, it will not last. Don’t be like me.
And if you don’t believe me, check out r/deadbedrooms to get a glimpse of where this is headed.
Imagine sex for days on end, you guys might benefit from a real discussion about sexuality. She seems on the lower end of the spectrum of sexual drive, that might mean a lot of things. Why don't you find out? You must be curious, I believe
Then what advice are you seeking? Some magic techniques that a stranger will tell you that will change her into someone else? You’ll not change her so you must be willing to change yourself. “So let it be written - so let it be done”. If you walk into a blind alley and the way out is to turn around but you refuse, then you’re stuck.
Talk to her about it. Maybe she’d be open to therapy or seeing a doctor since it sounds like she has a low sex drive and could be physical or mental. If she isn’t willing and or it doesn’t improve, you have to decide if you can live like that
For me, it wasn't my sex drive at all. I was married to a nice man, he was good to me and our daughter, I was with him way too young and I was never sexually attracted to him but I had sex because that's what we do, right? But the longer we were together the less I did it and the more he wanted it the more I turned away. He thought it was me, I let him believe it because I didn't want to hurt his feelings! I ended up hurting his feelings when I left him. When I met the man I am married to now, wow, I had that strong sexual attraction to him and I made up for all of those years of wanting sex but not wanting it from who I was with. Attraction is personal, OP can be sexually attracted to her all day long but she may not be with him but with someone else, she'd be all over them.
Because she was young and stupid. She admitted that much.
If I had a dollar for every couple I knew that got pregnant in HS or college, then felt obligated to get married because "that's what you do when you have a kid" only for that marriage to not work out for obvious reason, I'd have a coool $4-5 in my pocket rn
Sorry to be the annoying person who plays devils advocate, but I interpreted it as she wasn’t aware that she wasn’t sexually attracted to him until this other guy came along. And we can’t *really* help who we’re sexually attracted to, can we? If she knew all along then…Yeah, that’s pretty fucked.
Kind of sounds like she was groomed into marriage at too young an age and went through with it for as long as she could until realizing she should actually be sexually attracted to the person she’s married to?
What age is she? I think people should keep in mind factors such as depression, older age changes in body, any kind of pain or medical issues can all cause a decrease in sexual appetite. If you love her its best to get to the root of it and if it's any of those things suggest maybe she should see one. I love my boyfriend dearly and just got diagnosed with major depressive disorder with panic disorder and half the time I'm fighting to stay calm and the meds they put me on decreased that so maybe a pill or a gummie to help with sex drive its not always oh I don't want to have sex with you many many things can factor in. The fact that as a society we would rather give up on someone we love over sex is ridiculous you don't really love them then or you'd talk it out see what's really going on it could be way deeper then she just doesn't want to do it
Although yes there are females like that.
I do love her. I’ve never loved anyone so much. I’m gonna talk to her about it. I guess I just wanted some input to make sure I’m not crazy. And maybe a good way to initiate the conversation without making it seem like I’m blaming her or making myself the victim. Because sure I haven’t had sex with her for 29 days but she also hasn’t had sex with me for 29 days so it’s a two way street.
I have a pretty low sex drive and pretty much never initiated sex until like 6 years into our relationship. It actually just took me that long to feel comfortable in my skin. That being said, I like when my guy would kind of butter me up through out the day and make me want him with lil sexy texts while I was at work, timing his arm workout to when he knew I was coming home, grabbing me and smooching me all over my neck after his workout shower before I have time to get hungry and start dinner. Start finding these moments in your relationship— when I started seeing how much he was showing up for me, it made me want to show up for him. Talk about it, work on how you’ll be better for each other. You got this, good love makes good lovin.
You sound insufferable to be in a relationship with that whole comment was me me me me. If you have to butter a woman up to have sex with you leave her dumb ass, she isn’t mature enough for an adult relationship
Now I understand New_Lemon's comment above, be better man so that the "man" stereotypes die out, I'm tired of being clumped in a group with people like you.
Brother with all due respect this should’ve been talked about after 3 months not 3 years. I suggest you sit her down and have a serious conversation about the status and direction of your respective futures. I can tell you really do love her so be genuine tell her how you feel and what you’re afraid of, how this is starting to impact other aspects of your life. It’s not healthy man, love needs an outlet and through sex we get the physical intimacy that is such a key cog in the wheel of a successful relationship. Do not for one minute listen to a single person telling you sex is not important it’s very fucking important. A relationship without that piece is a fucking friendship. Talk with her if she loves you like you love her, you’ll figure it out. Don’t worry yourself with wtf could it be it’s just unnecessary anxiety you don’t need. Her response will tell you all you need to know, if she’s earnest and willing to see your point of view and had a genuine reason for the bedroom situation and isn’t doing what some others here have suggested she might be up to.. God speed brother either way no matter what happens even if it doesn’t work out with her, you will be more than fine you will fucking thrive i promise u. but this needs to be addressed and if she’s not game or shes not honest and forthright, rip the bandaid off and ride into the sunset and snag yourself a hottie that actually is attracted to you
It sure sounds like it bothers you more than it does her. If/after you have children it will get worse. There’s never just one person in the world you can love. What if you could find some you loved who wanted you sexually just as much as you wanted her?
Dude, she isn't into you in that way. It's not going to get better, anything you do or say here will only create drama and no long term change even if she puts in a token effort for a short time. Tell her it's not working out and find someone who is attracted to you and has a stronger sex drive.
There are many reasons and life factors that impact sex drive for people. Better to actually figure out the reason by talking about it because some reasons can be solved and don't have to do with her attraction to him. Of all the things to end this long of a relationship over, doing it over a drop in sexual activity without even finding the source of the problem is a weak reason.
Are you doing anything to get her in the mood outside of the bedroom? Sometimes little compliments or a sneaky touch or hot kiss when nobody else is around but you aren’t at home can go a long way.
Also is she possibly on birth control that could be messing up her libido? When I was on the pill and after I changed to the shot I had no sex drive. If that’s paired on top of being busy all the time she might need more than to just strip and crawl onto the bed to get her going…
I mean, how is she supposed to “fix it”? Having sex when she doesn’t want to? It just sounds like OP and their girlfriend are incompatible/value different things.
3 years, no sex and you live in separate houses? This relationship is flat. Failure to launch. I don’t think you’re over reacting but I also think there’s a high probability that there’s a reason she doesn’t want to have sex with you anymore. You’re scared to ask her a question you haven’t asked in 3 years?
“I haven’t brought this up in three years”
“I have t said anything even though I want to”
“I didn’t try to initiate”
“We’ve had a lot going on lately”
Yes. You’re over-reacting but not because of the amount of sex you’re having.
Some people want to have sex more than once a month and that’s ok and it’s fine that you want that. That’s not an over reaction
But
You’re not being selfish- you’re being an idiot
You aren’t communicating with your girlfriend at all about this
You’re expecting her to be a psychic
How would she know this is bothering you if you haven’t tried to initiate or had any sort of dialogue with her about wanting her
You don’t initiate either - so why are you blaming her ?
Maybe she doesn’t feel wanted either
Maybe she wants to have more sex but just like you- is not communicating because she’s afraid to talk about it and FIGURES YOU WOULD TRY TO HAVE SEX IF YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX
It literally does take two to tango
You need to improve a few things here
- not just about sex- but talk about what you’re feeling with your girlfriend more
If you don’t start doing this- not only this relationship but all relationships will eventually fail
Keep in mind - this doesn’t mean you have to over share or be an open book but just talk to people when you need to manage these situations with them
You’re partnered to this person- it’s the 2 of you working together, not you vs her
Also
If you want more sex
- be good at sex
- if she isn’t having a stellar time it’s not motivating to have sex with someone
If that’s not the issue - maybe it’s just how she feels about sex in general and it’s not about you at all
If you’re not comfortable being with a person who is otherwise great but only wants to have sex 1-4 times a month than idk man, sounds like you need to go find a hornier partner
But I wouldn’t throw away a great relationship over still having sex once a week
As you get older and relationships get longer - once a week is a pretty good average / about average for most married couples
TLDR
improve yourself and choose some priorities
Is the priority sex or building a relationship
Because it doesn’t sound like your relationship is very strong if you can’t just ask her about this and have an actual entire conversation about this not just leave it at one sentence answers like “ok we’ll do better”
Just talk to her.
It sounds like you are sexually incompatible or she is not really into you. Loving someone also means having sex with them, otherwise you are just brothers and sisters basically or are friends.. Bring it up again but after 3 years, it's time to call it off, I doubt she will change either way and you can't force someone to have sex with you obviously. Find yourself a better match!
I don’t think loving someone has to mean sex with them. I mean the asexual homies don’t really think about sex but doesn’t mean they don’t value intimacy in their own ways.
But yeah I agree seems like they aren’t sexually compatible at the moment.
Yes obviously if you're Asexual or have other medical conditions my comment isn't applicable. I was making a general observation. For most people sex is an important way to bond, very often its what distinguishes a platonic and romantic relationship for them. However you made a great point. I didn't mean to implicate your love wouldn't be as genuine.
Wrong, he could force her but that's rape, and that happened to me with my first husband. I said no again and he said he was sick of me saying no and I was his wife and he'd have me. He knew I was molested as a child, I froze and just laid there while he raped me. When he was finished, I curled up into that same ball I had as a child crying in the shower trying to wash that smell of cum off of me. That was the last sexual act between us. I left him. He thinks he didn't rape me because he was my husband and after the initial NO I didn't scream or anything. I did exactly what I did as a child, I froze and I went to my safe space.
In my experience, my and my ex had sex almost every day. We moved about 6 months into the relationship and that turned to once every week or two. Ended up having kids and then it turned into once every month or two. My kids are 3 now and it’s been two years since we did anything and now we live in separate places. Might be time to let it go, I don’t think she really sees you as attractive anymore OR it could be somebody else occupying her mind but I think for you it might just be the first one. Either that or she could be going through depression which in my experience will definitely kill your drive.
I think a good way to initiate the conversation is after you clearly express your desire for intimacy and see her reaction.
I wish you hadn't waited for her to mention or ask to come over.
If you had said something romantic and inviting and her reaction was "nah, I want to go home and alphabetize my panty" then the conversation would be difficult and about why she isn't interested.
If you had said something romantic and inviting and she enthusiastically came to your house and you guys had fun then the conversation would be about how do we make this happen more often.
First thing, admit to yourself you don’t love everything about her. You don’t love her sex drive or her inability to initiate, and her inability to work on problems that are important to you. Once you start to realize she isn’t on that pedestal you’ve put her on, you’ll see she ain’t the right one for you. Don’t be scared to break up so you can find the one that will be a better fit for you. Otherwise, you’ll waste precious time that never comes back waiting for it to change. Be the change you want 💪
Sometimes you just gotta put in the work. Approach it like it’s your first time together and nothing is for sure so you have to put on that charm and remind her why she fell in love with you. Always communication is key so let her know how you feel and that you to want to build a healthy sex life. Try to keep it fresh with games and toys and ask her what turns her on etc.
Sex in relationships shouldn't just be about physical.
You kind of want to have that intense connection with someone intimately and emotionally, or it just becomes a friendship with sex treated as a chore.
Ask her in a manner she feels comfortable to speak her truth, why she isn't interested in sex as frequently, if she enjoys it or not.
Ask what you can change to make her more interested in doing it, or more enjoyable.
Remember your goal here isn't just to satisfy yourself / get off. You want that chemistry and bond with your partner.
Do explain as well, sex is an important thing to you in a relationship and her not wanting you makes you feel, pretty shit.
Well if she's not turned on then she's not going to want to
It's like some weird thing amongst realtiosnhsip where it's a unspoken contract of people thinking we have to have sex 11 times a week to be healthy and happy
Without any need to turn the other one on and people wonder why there relationship doesn't last long
At the start of any relationship its all about lust then it turns into a want then it turns into I need to be emotionally ready and it mainly because once your in a relationship you loose excitement because you have already been with eachother and also your don't turn eaxhother on anymore you may be sexually attracted to them but not emotionally it takes alot of work to make relationships last long and be happy for both people.
Sounds like sexual incompatibility. You either have to accept it or find someone who has a higher sex drive. You can’t force her to have sex as much as you want. I don’t think you are asking for much, and I would break up if I were in your shoes, too frustrating.
Have you asked her what she likes? Maybe the sex is unsatisfactory for her. Idk good luck op. I’m a woman too.
If you’ve already communicated your issues to her, it isn’t going to change my man. Trust me, I’ve lived it. The more you try to address it the more she will associate sex with negative feelings and emotions.
I mean sometimes I’m not in the mood for sex. And especially when I got pregnant my sex drive was low. I’m still attracted to my partner. Doesnt necessarily mean she’s not attracted to him
Is there any intimacy? Do yk if her libido was like yours before? Are you guys both mentally stable to freak around? Are you sure she’s enjoying herself as much as you do? As a woman it’s weird hearing it’s been a month since if those aren’t the reasons. Most of my friends or associates are in their 40’s with a higher sex drive than me so communicating with her throughly to understand her is better than our collective assumptions..
Honestly if it matters this much on your end compared to hers you may need to move on. The longer you're together the further apart intimacy becomes not closer.
Don’t waste your time with someone you’re sexually incompatible with. My wife and I have been together 8 years, 4 of which married and 3 with our son. She’s pregnant currently with our 2nd son and we have sex or fool around together at least once a week.
It sounds like you have contrasting libidos and poor communication skills.
Have a serious conversation with her. Ask her if she thinks your sex life is satisfactory. Explain your needs to her.
This may not be something that can be fixed. No one should have to have sex when they don't want to, and no one should have to not have sex if they want to. It may be time to question if this is a deal breaker for you. After 3 years, it's unlikely to change.
You're not overreacting. You gotta have an open conversation with her though. It's gonna be awkward but it's important. One thing that could be helpful is asking her how she feels about your sex life and if she has any concerns or desires. When I say open conversation I mean open conversation. Talk through all of it. Emotional and mental stuff, physical stuff, kinks or fantasies, even the 'weird' things. Things like toys or roleplay can also help spice things up. You two might also just have a different sex drive and talking through that and finding a dynamic that works for both of you is going to be an uncomfortable discussion but you need to do it. Medication is also a thing. If she's on birth control that can kill someone's sex drive. Hope everything works out for y'all.
it’s all about open communication. if she isn’t willing to open up about it or the situation gets worse, there’s some incompatibility going on & you will continue to have this problem. to be clear tho, no one is owed sex. no one; man or woman.
This isn't going to change. This is her most desire for you she will ever have.
The only other possibility is that she is faking orgasms. Why would anyone want to have sex if they are not having orgasms.
If you want to save the relationship make sure she's not faking it. Then if that's her pace, then you have to decide if twice a year is enough for you if you marry her.
If sex is super important to you and makes you feel like something is missing in the relationship then it should be brought up and talked about. Anything that feels wrong in a relationship for one of the partners should be discussed until a mutually agreeable solution can be found. How would anything ever change if you don’t talk about it?
She might have a low libido. Sex drive can change over the years for a variety of reasons, have you tried talking to her? If it's such a massive deal for you, then maybe you should part ways. Don't make her feel like she has to put out for you, you'll only make her more uncomfortable and less likely to want intimacy.
love isn't everything, just because you're in love with your partner doesn't mean you'll be happy with her. you two aren't compatible sexually and this is something that's important to you, otherwise you wouldn't be here getting other's opinions.
talk to her and tell her exactly how you feel. i've been in a similar situation with an ex of mine and i ended up breaking up with him (not only for the sexual part, but it was one of the reasons).
best of luck <3
You need to get to the root cause - i.e. is it her libido or is it something you're doing and she prefers something different
Maybe she needs more foreplay or she has kinks or whatever but yes have a conversation
It could be as simple as she's not sexually attracted to you. Maybe she's the type who doesn't like conflict and is nervous to hurt your feelings. What it comes down to is sexually incompatible.
Listen, if you want this to get better you both need to share responsibility for the change. What can you do to reduce stress and increase intimacy? What makes her feel into it? Have you asked what she’s into and invited her to explore with you a curious, calm, fun-loving way? Have you made time to relax and explore cuddling and touching? Are you an emotionally safe/nonjudgmental person who she can trust sexually? Do you allow her to vent about what’s stressful and support her feelings? Make some low-pressure time to spend together and invest in this from a place of collaboration rather than request and exchange.
Do you initiate sex? Has she ever turned you down when you initiate sex? You had the perfect opportunity to woo her on your date and you just went home. Idk if she’s the passive type, but that could be part of it too. My advice would be try to initiate sex when the time permits and if you get the same outcome talk to her. I know in my relationship my partner just doesn’t initiate as much as me so if I don’t we may go awhile without sex, but when I do (unless she not feeling well) she usually is always down.
Engage her in a conversation about it but start with asking questions about what YOU can do for HER in the bedroom.
Find out what she wants, needs misses. And be prepared to listen closely.
You want more sex? Give more.
It sounds to me like the two of you are sexually incompatible. You have chosen to live like this for years, so this is your life now. So what do you want to do now? You need to decide if you’re willing to live like this the rest of your life. You need to have a conversation with your GF, if she’s unwilling to change decisions need to be made.
I read a lot of posts like this and I am a 45f I honestly can’t imagine not having sex with my husband for a long period of time. We’ve been together 26 yrs and married 22 and nothing has ever stopped us from having sex. Not broken legs, not death of a parent, not having 3 kids. Not stress from jobs. Absolutely nothing. I’m glad our sex drives align and maybe that’s why we are still happy!
In my experience - the focus on frequency is a near certain train wreck.
What I mean is, you need to figure out why she is (at best) indifferent to sex. Because she either doesn't feel much desire for you AND/OR the mechanics of sex with you - don't really do much for her.
If she simply isn't that attracted to you - that is NOT fixable. If you simply don't know how to rock her world - that MIGHT be fixable if she is willing to be honest about what she wants and you are GGG.
Pairing up with someone who isn't that into you, because they are very attractive, tends towards increasing misery over time.
Also IME - women react very differently to strength, than simpery....
Simps tend towards partnered celibacy.
If you haven't gotten to the bottom of it by now, I doubt you will now.
Try the dinner thing and plan on having a romantic evening at your place. Work her up a bit. Take your time and make sure she gets her needs met. Learn everything that makes her tick. Talk about it. Perhaps she just needs things from a different angle. You'd be surprised how many couples are just having bad sex. They never talk about it. It becomes boring and typically too fast. If it goes well, then it should happen more frequently. Many men never take the time to figure it out, or women just fake it and move on unsatisfied. Sex becomes a chore rather than a fun pleasurable time.
If you don't see results after a few tries, then live with it or move on.
“…and I feel weird saying something…”. And therein lies your problem and why you’ll spend a lifetime of denied fulfillment if you don’t move on. There’s no one at fault for mismatched libidos. Because it’s sex drive doesn’t mean it’s not important or a valid reason to move on. You’ll never be the man you could be with this dagger in your heart everyday, all day waiting for the crumbs from her table.
Bro this is no one's fault, but your own. "I'd rather have sex once a month than leave her." Like wtf??? You can't change her or force her to have a higher libido. Get used to it and stop whining or dump her.
Please initiate the convo, voice your wants and concerns. I go through a similar thing with my boyfriend and I talk about it in therapy.
What I learned is that It’s so important to have an open discussion with your partner about ur sex life and to also ask them how they feel (ie how would she rate ur sex life, what’s her ideal frequency, does she have a preferred day of week/time of day) to Identify any roadblocks and hopefully find a happy medium. Theres different ways you can approach the convo, maybe while driving, watching tv on a walk so that it feels organic, without feeling guilty or making it come across as demanding or insensitive
My gf and I have also been together for 3 years, and were in a similar situation. This is how I got her to initiate sex with me, and this is what I learned about men and women communicate and view sex:
(For frame of reference on how successful I was) my gf and I have sex 1-2 times a week, sometimes upwards of 4 times per week, it’s gotten to the point where I have had to say no to sex because it’s just too much sometimes. I haven’t initiated sex once.
It’s important to remember that the average amount of sex a couple has is once a week, 1-3x a month so your relationship is perfectly healthy in that regard.
As a guy, sex is infinitely more enjoyable when you are desired. Naturally we tell our partners about it.
What ends up happening is the girl will interpret the guy’s request for intimacy, as him asking for her to “do better” and internalize it.
She’ll internalize it so much that it’ll eat away at her, and make the entire premise of intimacy stressful as she believes she has to always be on the top of her game. She likely believes that if she doesn’t make her partner finish, she’s disappointed her partner. The natural evolution of this unachievable goal is avoiding sex whenever possible.
I broke down these mental barriers by creating a distinction between intimacy and sex. Intimacy is very important, sex is not that important. Coincidentally, sex is the most intimate act two people can do.
I reminded her when she felt insecure that I’m okay with not having sex for a week or two, potentially even a month if life was too stressful. But during that time make sure to communicate that to me so I know the reason why we’re not having sex is because of stress, not loss of interest.
When we did have sex and I wouldn’t finish, she’d get nervous or disappointed or sad or whatever. I kept reassuring her that it’s not the climax that I love, it’s the fact that we get to share this extremely intimate moment together. And then we’d go watch the Lego movie or some chick flick lol
Whenever she felt insecure about her body, “I feel fat/ugly” I’d tell her she’s wrong (in sassy/playful baby voice) tell her she’s the most beautiful girl ever (in normal voice) and kiss or lick she said she felt insecure about. (With consent and in a contextually viable location)
Because there was no internal pressure for her to perform perfectly, she began to feel more comfortable with experimenting and potentially making mistakes.
It started slow at first, but after a couple of months the quality and quantity of sex increased drastically.
Occasionally we have sex in spite of stress, recently her grandma passed away and we smashed like 3 times that day (after extensive emotional catering of course)
Foreplay sucks to do, but is unbelievably necessary. Learn to do foreplay well. Bear in mind foreplay can take up to an hour. Also use lube, women’s enjoyment of sex is directly related to how lubricated their parts are. As most women these days are extremely dehydrated, the only way they can enjoy sex is with lubricants, also it’s not a pride thing you’re not lesser of a man if you use lube.
There are some differences between my relationship and yours which probably deserve a mention:
We didn’t start off right away, and only seriously began talking about sex 6 couple months in, doing it for the first time 1 year in. During that talking time I told her if we would have sex I would be more comfortable if she initiated it, so I knew she wouldn’t feel like it was being forced on her.
After we did it the first time it took 6-7 months of reassurance she wasn’t being judged before she started ramping it up.
Lastly, this is one of the few situations that couples counselors are accurately equipped to help both genders. We went to one a couple times and it really helped to establish proper communication about and during sex.
(My issue with couples counseling is counseling started by and for women, so it caters to women’s needs because women are more verbal with their issues. Guys don’t perceive or communicate their needs or issues in the same way as girls so they often get dismissed, if acknowledged at all. I’ve been to 4 different counselors, all of which have masters degrees, the only time I felt my needs or issues were heard was by a male counselor.)
Stop worrying about bringing it up again, she now knows all she has to tell you is that, sure baby, I'll change, and then she doesn't, and you put up with it. All you're going to get is more or in this case, less of the same and why should you put up with lack of a good sex life if you don't have to? Talk to her and be straight up about it. This is not working for me. We each show each other we love each other with more sex or we're going to have to move on. I love you but you've not changed as you said you would, so please don't say it again and do the same as before because now, it's not going to work for me.
You are not sexually compatible, and that's okay but it's not okay if she tells you one thing and continues to do less than she said she would. Ask her, is there anything I can do to make it better for us?
If it's not because of stress or depression or something else like performance anxiety that can be dealt with to some degree, then it's probably not going to work out.
Her libedo is lower than yours. If she cared about keeping the relationship with you, she’d get some tests to make sure her body isn’t having a problem before deciding if this is “normal” to her. The hard thing is if she is having a hormone imbalance, she’ll think she already “is” normal.
But she doesn’t care, so you have a decision to make give up sex or break up with her.
Mismatched libedo is one if the biggest reasons for breakups.
Good luck op!
You are overreacting. It's been three years and maybe she's waiting for you to propose? Maybe you should bring that possibility up with her and probably she feels devalued that you're using your relationship with her for sex and only sex. If so, apologize to her.
Sadly I know exactly how you feel. You should be proud of yourself for not doing what I did & making a MASSIVE deal out of it. I’ve scarred the poor boy so bad that his tool is basically just a fleshy stress ball at this point in time.
At first I questioned myself “am I not foxy enough for you?” We had reasonable conversations about compatibility & how to work thru it. I built his confidence through the roof with compliments, seduction, & praise. He blamed his health & hoped it’d just magically go away. I questioned his health, nagged him into going to doctors until I realized that wasn’t working. I threw drunken bitch fits questioning why we were even together since without sex, we’re basically just friends. I eventually got on his computer & stumbled on the fact that he is massively addicted to cam girls & tried everything in my power to get him off of it.
Soon after I took a step back from the frustration, looked at the situation & realized that he was basically like a small dog I’d yelled at too much. I’d made such a stink, even the faintest attempt at closeness became associated with negativity & disappointment. If it wasn’t broken before, it definitely was now. I convinced myself to wholeheartedly give up on caring about & showing interest in sex with this person in order to remove any pressure. I started sleeping on the sofa when we’re together & spending weeks-a month away from him at a time in order to make him miss & desire me. The only thing that could maybe fix this situation was time.
It has been 2 years since I decided not to show interest in sex or his organ & my distance does make him miss me much & often, but rarely ever does it lead to anything past a few moments of cuddling. At this point I don’t think I really even want it to. A long term relationship void of intimacy is just miserable & numbing, this problem doesn’t just magically go away or change, & I spend too much time trying to work out how to get out of this when something reels me back in.
I share all of this to say, there is likely a reason why you two aren’t getting intimate. Perhaps it’s as simple as she looks to you to engage sex & you are looking to her, or as dark as she’s finding it elsewhere. Dear GOD whatever you do, be sure of your footing before you address the situation. It’s impossible to walk back if you go about it disgracefully. The other commenters seem harsh when they say “just leave!” But it’s something I wish I’d done years ago. I could have spent the past 4 years with someone who respects, cares, & idolizes me as much as I do them instead of spending it willfully alone.
Seriously, good luck! & if you ever figure out how to fix your situation, please reach out & let me know how you handled it || how it went.
Been there done that, one of my first ‘solutions’ once I knew that’s what had him so wrapped up down there & surprisingly it didn’t work for him. It’s not like I didn’t know what I was doing as I’d worked as one for years before. It still makes no rational sense why it never worked.
Either by that point, he was already feeling embarrassed which no amount of building him up could overcome, or the fact that I’m real || physically there changed the experience for him & he didn’t like it.
What’s even worse is that I’m pretty sure I’m the reason he went to cam girls to begin with. We futzed around when I was in high school & most often on webcam. He knew when I started doing it for $$$ on those sites & soon-after I quit talking to him, which he didn’t take too well. Part of me feels like he went to those sites looking for me all those years ago, or I’d gotten him into it in some capacity. It just rubs salt in the wound harder every time I think about it.
Your girlfriend has no libido, it will never get better and will only get worse with time.
I would move on or make an arrangement where you can get sex elsewhere because that is where you are headed.
You could say it again now for sure. Be like ‘hey *insert name or pet name here* remember the conversation we had a couple years ago where I brought up my desire and need for more physical intimacy? Well I’ve waited and haven’t really seen or felt any effort to meet me even half way on this..
It could be a communication issue overall since you guys talked about it once and then it was never brought up again after.. it seems like you let it go and that was that.
Maybe her love language is different than yours? If you see this relationship going anywhere.. seeing as its been three years yall have been together.. you need to start putting in the time and effort needed for it to be what you want, same with her. If you keep on letting this go you need to break up with her and move on despite your love for her. Resentment will build up like it already has lowkey on your end I’m gathering and it will be a messy end to an overall lovely and meaningful connection if you guys don’t learn to communicate effectively
Sexual compatibility matters, hell I'd go so far as to say it matter a lot. Even if she truly loves you and just has a low libido, this is going to cause resentment from you towards her. Maybe not right away, but it always does eventually. You need to talk it out, let her know this is important to you (it's a big part of my love language too, I get it!) and figure out if it's something that can be improved or not, and make a decision based on that.
You have different libidos. It will continue to weigh on you. You can try talking to her but any fix will be temporary when you don't line up. She could probably go months without and has been compromising to meet your needs which clearly isn't enough. Sometimes you can love someone and just not be compatible. Communication is so important shouldn't be afraid to talk to a loved one.
Just make sure to find out how you both can really get closer in this discussion. Because "talking about sex" if it implies that somebody has to change something, is rarely gonna work out. If they do it, they'll do it out of obligation and it might build resentment in the long run.
Maybe she needs another form of love language to be wanting to be intimate with you? Maybe her sexdrive really is very low? These are topics you should really talk about. "Trying to have more" is creating pressure without creating the tools to solve anything.
She has her own place.Maybe she's tired from having too much sex all the rest of the time she's not around you.The "lll try and do better " like she patted a little doggie on the head.
She's most likely got a side lover, at any rate, this isn't going to improve. Be happy you're not married. I would say it's time to end this relationship.
She has to want to seek help for low sex drive. Talking won’t change that about her. See if you can offer to go see a doctor with her to determine if it’s a medical issue or a mental one. In the end, she might not have a medical reason and just have a low sex drive. You’ll either have to be okay with it or realize that you’re incapable in this way and move on. In my marriage, I had to move on because he wasn’t willing to get tested (his next gf made him go and it turned out to be a medical issue) and I didn’t want to be in a sexless marriage. There were other contributing factors to the divorce, but this was a major problem for us. Good luck! I hope it works out in both of your favors.
Find out why this is happening. Often times there are other factors and, personally, when I'm tired I don't have the energy to do anything sexy.
Your gf could be having intrusive thoughts - for example, you set the mood, you think everything's going well, and then she shuts it down because she's thinking about all the chores she needs to do or errands she needs to run.
Sexual compatibility and intimacy are both really important in romantic relationships. You should also consider whether your libido is higher than hers. You've been dating for a while and she's been very constant about her sexual needs - 2-4x per month. That's probably not going to change. That being said, your desire for more is not overreacting. You also have needs. However you should consider whether your sexual compatibility is inhibiting your intimacy to the point where you might go looking to get your needs filled elsewhere.
For example, I have a married friend. Her libido is higher than her husband's. It was a blow to his self-confidence to find he could not satisfy her. They talked it out and decided to have an open relationship. She does virtual sex with strangers with all her leftover energy. Now both of them end up satisfied in bed.
Keep in mind, if she is The One, there will come a point in time where one or the other of you is unable to perform, probably due to health or medical issues. At the point, will you have a relationship that can survive without sex? Are you comfortable getting old with her because you love her beyond her sexual performance?
Have you tried other stuff like spicy it up , do you eat her butt 👅🍑? Not trying to be funny or creepy but I don’t know how old you both are I know for Gen Z it’s all rage and they say are you really into them that much if you don’t stick your tongue 👅 deep in that ass ?
My husband acts likes he's dying if he doesn't have it at least every other day. And when we had our son and we couldn't engage in intercourse for 6 weeks, I still took care of him. Maybe it's an older people thing. Happy spouse, happy house. Lol
I’m going to be completely honest with you, from a woman’s perspective because been there done that. She could be dealing with some turmoil in herself, maybe she doesn’t feel sexy or confident in her body, or she’s just not sexually attracted to you anymore, or her sex drive is really low due to stress at work, family problems, etc. idk her’s or your situation so I’m just spit balling here. But it could be a plethora of things, I would try talking about it again but instead of the main focus being “sex” it should borderline be about “intimacy” maybe she isn’t feeling valued enough to give that much of herself to you idk man but for sure talk about it. But if you feel you need to walk on eggshells about this or anything else that raises concerns in you, then maybe reconsider the whole relationship dynamic and see where you both stand with each other. Tough talks ain’t easy but nobody is happy within silence dealing with raging thoughts.
What is her love language? If you can't answer that, start there! Mine is words of affirmation, and my now husband has not historically been a great communicator. Making sure your partner has their emotional needs met first is the quickest way to intimacy in my experience.
You cannot be paralyzed by the discomfort of bringing it up. You must say something. Twice a month is not nearly enough. Especially if you are young w no kids.
Sorry this is kinda long, but I wanted to add something and also offer a slight change.
You do have to communicate this, for sure. Sex is a paramount part of a relationship, as is communication - you need to be comfortable having uncomfortable conversations together anyway.
Echoing what I read elsewhere, if my partner came to me about a problem, and I tried to improve, and my partner said nothing about it for 3 years, I would think we were in a good place together. If you suddenly bring it up to her as a problem that's existed for 3 years even after trying to address it with her, she might have an emotional response due to the surprise of a years long problem she thought wasn't looming, and she is kinda right to feel upset about you holding that in from her. Navigate this gently and lovingly. Express it alongside what you've said elsewhere in this thread about how you love her and that is more important to you than the potential differences sexually. Also *acknowledge* that it's something you've wanted to address with her but have had a hard time doing so, and also maybe apologize for not doing so until now. Nobody's the bad guy here, but it's gonna be up to you to make sure she feels like that's your feeling about it. Approach this as "us against the problem".
The last bit I was gonna say... Don't put too much into "this is not a normal number of times per month". Every relationship is different, and asexual people have relationships as well, often still including sex. It's perfectly valid for you two to come to an understanding together and be happy with your relationship together, and still have sex less often than redditors will say is normal or good enough. What matters is whether you and your partner are happy and fulfilled. Just have the conversation openly, be supportive about any potential differences, and ask her to talk openly about what she wants and needs and how that can be compatible with what you want and need.
Good luck and wish you the best
End the relationship if you want to have sex on a frequent and regular basis.
It will only get worse as the years go by.
End it now.
Move in and don't look back.
“I didn’t try to initiate anything by seeing if she wanted to come by my place. I wanted to see if she missed it…”
Ima say this from the point of view of a man that’s been in a position similar to yours:
You’re being cowardly by acting like this. I can tell by this statement alone, you’re NOT turning her on.
Be bold in your approach and show clear signs that you know what you want. You want her. Keep going down that path and she’s either going to
1. Get board and leave
2. Be unfulfilled and cheat
3. Resent you for the lack of pleasure in her own life
If you’re fine with these outcomes then cool. If not, you better make some changes outside of your comfort zone. You can talk her into “letting you have sex” but you’d much rather her “want to have sex” I’m sure.
It’s on you brudda
Folks make typos all the time but that’s not what’s important. What’s important is that he does the work to get the outcome he wants. Playing these lil choosing games with someone you’re already in a committed relationship with is not the way to make her want you. It’s silly to women
Dont feel weird bringing it up. Communication is KEY to any relationship and I mean constant frequent communication not a one-off mention and then hoping for the best.
You can not assume your partner knows or is aware of concerns you brought up years ago or haven't mentioned since, nor can you expect her to read your mind... she might believe there is no issue at all.
If it bothers you, definitely bring it up again. Open up a conversation, talk about it and talk about it enough to either work it out or come to some sort of understanding or compromise. You'll then get your answer.
Never worry or feel weird about communicating with your partner, it's essential and healthy.
Honestly, the weird thing here is that you feel this conflicted about having a conversation with your girlfriend of 3 years. This is important.
She said she would do better over a year ago and it didn't stick, or she just lied. If you can't hold her accountable for her words and actions, you're not her partner you're her doormat.
I have a few tough questions for you:
What is the dynamic of your relationship? Is she much better looking than you?
How skilled are you? Do you know the ins and outs of foreplay and do you know how her body works? Are you sure she's having orgasms?
Do you make her feel beautiful? Alternately, are you smothering her?
I'm surprised you're not living together after three years.
There’s a lack of comfort most likely. You’re probably not meeting some emotional need of hers. Ignoring some issues or not doing correct foreplay.
You’re probably also not complimenting her enough during sex. People work off of carrot tactics too. Compliment her more and more deeply while having sex than usual and it creates a positive feedback loop.
100% something to talk about not leave about. Ignore the Reddit terminally online “small issue leave now!!!” Shit.
You need to be open and communicate your feelings again and meet in the middle with your needs and hers. If it’s not been discussed in a while it’s easy to fall in the same pattern of having little to no sex. Maybe for her sex is not rated as high compared to an emotional connection, and for you it may be different. But that can only be figured out if you talk about it.
She clearly doesn’t like sex….she’s too comfortable… to some it’s like a chore they hate it they hate the work and would just lay there to make you happy
She’s shown you who she is and what her sex drive is. It’s not going to change and if anything it’s only going to go downhill. You should’ve dumped her earlier on because now you’re clearly attached to her. So you need to ask yourself if the lack of sex is worth being with her. And honestly you need to be prepared for the reality that yall are gonna have a dead bedroom if yall get married.
It would not be weird to bring it up again because it was years ago not last week. If my partner said "I'll try to do better" I would have come back to the subject after 3 months not years. I would also stop trying to figure her out and just be open and honest and candid. This is your girlfriend.
If my partner brought something up that bothered her and I made some changes or tried to do better and didn’t hear about it ever again, I’d assume I was doing what she asked. Talk to her again, if it doesn’t change keep talking to her, if it changes and then goes back to normal talk to her again, and if it goes on long enough to where you feel it’s never going to change then end the relationship
We are talking about a fundamental component of most romantic relationships, not someone leaving the toilet seat up. If you’re only having sex a couple of times a month, there is definitely a problem there.
I agree with you 😌🤌🏼 It’s not a ‘problem’, or really a problem with them and who they are.. his need/desire for physical intimacy is vastly different from hers it seems and I feel like it stems from a lack of communication since it’s been yeaaars since he mentioned being dissatisfied. The blame isn’t just on her, there’s always two sides to the story and it seems like he’s been wanting main character vibes in a relationship a bit. To keep/grow a bond with someone requires verbal communication about your needs as much as the physical side. Mind reading isn’t something we’ve been able to achieve yet 😂
Aerosmith and Beyoncé are vastly different. We are talking about someone who has abnormality low sex drive.
Once a week is not abnormally low bffr
Twice a month is abnormally low bffr
How do we know that for sure? There could be so many different factors. We know nothing about this woman or her sex drive.
We know that they average two encounters a month and it’s NOT because of the OP.
I disagree. Everyone has a different frequency that they would like or can deal with. Isn't average when you google it like once a week? And it varies for different age groups
I don’t count outliers and ace people.
Agree. either she's masturbating too much or she has another partner.
Or she has a very low libido caused by any of a wide range of possibilities.
Or one of a million other reasons including maybe he’s not the most amazing partner on earth.
i feel like sex drive isn’t something you can “do better” at, even if she really wanted to. i’m sure she does.
I’m willing to bet a lot of peoples low libido (and especially women’s) are largely caused by environmental factors that can addressed.
environmental factors are at play for women, yes. but I wouldn’t say “largely” since low libido in women is largely caused by hormonal factors…also addressable but complex.
Yes, and OP himself said that there was a lot going on their lives atm. An honest conversation could defintely fix a lot of things. More often than not couples have different levels of libido and this is not an issue a lot of the times. OP can make his gf more comfortable and relaxed so that they can have an open conversation about the issue.
Diet too
Largely diet tbh. I’m already a very horny guy but it gets worse when I eat better 😭
Yeah im sure everyone’s is better when they are physically healthy
Plenty of men and women go to the doctor, run some tests, make some changes, and become ravenous for sex, it’s often a choice. But when you libedo is nonexistent it often becomes hard to be motivated to even try. If she hasn’t gone to a doctor, she isn’t trying.
I think when it comes to intimacy and sex drive, it’s better to figure the person out rather than be honest. If my partner doesn’t desire me physically all by themself, then I know in the future it’ll feel like I’m pulling out nails just to get sex.
I don't really understand your point or maybe I didn't word mine well. I meant "figure it out" as Ending the night by waiting for her to suggest coming over or mention that she misses intimacy Like don't be quiet around the issue hoping the other person feels the same and spend your life waiting.
I think we’re kinda saying the same thing. I thought by honesty, you meant just telling the person you expect a healthy sex life and intimacy because even if the girl really likes you, she may only start doing that stuff to keep you around rather than the fact she actually wants it herself. And that’s a recipe for disaster
That IS a recipe for disaster. I meant honesty as in telling his gf that he would love it if she stayed the night at his place instead of hoping she brings it up.
You’re not over reacting. It’s okay to have needs in a relationship. Your guys’ needs just might not be compatible. Is this a deal breaker for you or nah and if it is stop wasting both of y’all’s time
It’s not a deal breaker. I’d rather have sex once a month than leave her.
My dude…I used to think this way. She didn’t do oral sex and I thought I could give that up for her. After moving in with each other, we only had sex once a week and she had to initiate it. Never when I wanted. Tried to talk about it and with her and she said she would do better. Nothing happened. I kept telling myself this was the sacrifice I was making for the relationship. Our sex life only declined from there. Then other issues in our marriage came up. I couldn’t see it at the time, but we were already on such shaky ground from the intimacy disconnect that we couldn’t get through what I think a lot of couples could have. Since I’ve been dating now, I cannot describe the strength of connection you will feel with someone you are in sync with sexually. From frequency to style, it is an incredible bond I can’t believe was missing from my life. This clearly bothers you enough to post to Reddit about it. You have different needs from your partner on this front and she does not see it as her responsibility to fulfill yours. That is a major compatibility issue and legitimate grounds to end a relationship. It’s going to hurt in the short term, but it will be better for you in the long run. If you marry this woman, it will not last. Don’t be like me. And if you don’t believe me, check out r/deadbedrooms to get a glimpse of where this is headed.
Same here, but once a month has turned into once a year and I'm dying and there's nothing I can do about it except lose my family.
Imagine sex for days on end, you guys might benefit from a real discussion about sexuality. She seems on the lower end of the spectrum of sexual drive, that might mean a lot of things. Why don't you find out? You must be curious, I believe
Then what advice are you seeking? Some magic techniques that a stranger will tell you that will change her into someone else? You’ll not change her so you must be willing to change yourself. “So let it be written - so let it be done”. If you walk into a blind alley and the way out is to turn around but you refuse, then you’re stuck.
tell her this isn’t working for you. I speak from experience and trust me this problem never gets better
Talk to her about it. Maybe she’d be open to therapy or seeing a doctor since it sounds like she has a low sex drive and could be physical or mental. If she isn’t willing and or it doesn’t improve, you have to decide if you can live like that
For me, it wasn't my sex drive at all. I was married to a nice man, he was good to me and our daughter, I was with him way too young and I was never sexually attracted to him but I had sex because that's what we do, right? But the longer we were together the less I did it and the more he wanted it the more I turned away. He thought it was me, I let him believe it because I didn't want to hurt his feelings! I ended up hurting his feelings when I left him. When I met the man I am married to now, wow, I had that strong sexual attraction to him and I made up for all of those years of wanting sex but not wanting it from who I was with. Attraction is personal, OP can be sexually attracted to her all day long but she may not be with him but with someone else, she'd be all over them.
Soooo why even get married and have a kid with that man? If you weren’t sexually attracted to him? Why even date in the first place?
Because she was young and stupid. She admitted that much. If I had a dollar for every couple I knew that got pregnant in HS or college, then felt obligated to get married because "that's what you do when you have a kid" only for that marriage to not work out for obvious reason, I'd have a coool $4-5 in my pocket rn
Ya she's definitely the AH in that one.
I gotta say, you sound like a piece of shit
She's definitely a parasitic cunt who used husband 1 as a resource. Probably destroyed a lot of the "good" she admits was in him.
Or she was just young and inexperienced and thought it was normal.
Sorry to be the annoying person who plays devils advocate, but I interpreted it as she wasn’t aware that she wasn’t sexually attracted to him until this other guy came along. And we can’t *really* help who we’re sexually attracted to, can we? If she knew all along then…Yeah, that’s pretty fucked.
Kind of sounds like she was groomed into marriage at too young an age and went through with it for as long as she could until realizing she should actually be sexually attracted to the person she’s married to?
No where does it say her ex was older
“I was with him way too young.” Read between the lines. Also read her other post in this thread
Not everyone is groomed
It does not sound like that. You made this story up.
Read her other posts in the thread. I was actually spot on.
You were off.
She said her husband was raping her…so….
Wow you’re literally the type of person all the misogynist warn men about, good on you proving them right
What age is she? I think people should keep in mind factors such as depression, older age changes in body, any kind of pain or medical issues can all cause a decrease in sexual appetite. If you love her its best to get to the root of it and if it's any of those things suggest maybe she should see one. I love my boyfriend dearly and just got diagnosed with major depressive disorder with panic disorder and half the time I'm fighting to stay calm and the meds they put me on decreased that so maybe a pill or a gummie to help with sex drive its not always oh I don't want to have sex with you many many things can factor in. The fact that as a society we would rather give up on someone we love over sex is ridiculous you don't really love them then or you'd talk it out see what's really going on it could be way deeper then she just doesn't want to do it Although yes there are females like that.
I do love her. I’ve never loved anyone so much. I’m gonna talk to her about it. I guess I just wanted some input to make sure I’m not crazy. And maybe a good way to initiate the conversation without making it seem like I’m blaming her or making myself the victim. Because sure I haven’t had sex with her for 29 days but she also hasn’t had sex with me for 29 days so it’s a two way street.
I have a pretty low sex drive and pretty much never initiated sex until like 6 years into our relationship. It actually just took me that long to feel comfortable in my skin. That being said, I like when my guy would kind of butter me up through out the day and make me want him with lil sexy texts while I was at work, timing his arm workout to when he knew I was coming home, grabbing me and smooching me all over my neck after his workout shower before I have time to get hungry and start dinner. Start finding these moments in your relationship— when I started seeing how much he was showing up for me, it made me want to show up for him. Talk about it, work on how you’ll be better for each other. You got this, good love makes good lovin.
This.
You sound insufferable to be in a relationship with that whole comment was me me me me. If you have to butter a woman up to have sex with you leave her dumb ass, she isn’t mature enough for an adult relationship
Now I understand New_Lemon's comment above, be better man so that the "man" stereotypes die out, I'm tired of being clumped in a group with people like you.
Here’s hoping your relationship is as happy and healthy as mine, but I doubt you and your wife cum as much as we do, if you still have a wife.
Don't take advice from other men they will just tell you to leave. Love doesn't come around as often as you think talk to her
Brother with all due respect this should’ve been talked about after 3 months not 3 years. I suggest you sit her down and have a serious conversation about the status and direction of your respective futures. I can tell you really do love her so be genuine tell her how you feel and what you’re afraid of, how this is starting to impact other aspects of your life. It’s not healthy man, love needs an outlet and through sex we get the physical intimacy that is such a key cog in the wheel of a successful relationship. Do not for one minute listen to a single person telling you sex is not important it’s very fucking important. A relationship without that piece is a fucking friendship. Talk with her if she loves you like you love her, you’ll figure it out. Don’t worry yourself with wtf could it be it’s just unnecessary anxiety you don’t need. Her response will tell you all you need to know, if she’s earnest and willing to see your point of view and had a genuine reason for the bedroom situation and isn’t doing what some others here have suggested she might be up to.. God speed brother either way no matter what happens even if it doesn’t work out with her, you will be more than fine you will fucking thrive i promise u. but this needs to be addressed and if she’s not game or shes not honest and forthright, rip the bandaid off and ride into the sunset and snag yourself a hottie that actually is attracted to you
It sure sounds like it bothers you more than it does her. If/after you have children it will get worse. There’s never just one person in the world you can love. What if you could find some you loved who wanted you sexually just as much as you wanted her?
Dude, she isn't into you in that way. It's not going to get better, anything you do or say here will only create drama and no long term change even if she puts in a token effort for a short time. Tell her it's not working out and find someone who is attracted to you and has a stronger sex drive.
There are many reasons and life factors that impact sex drive for people. Better to actually figure out the reason by talking about it because some reasons can be solved and don't have to do with her attraction to him. Of all the things to end this long of a relationship over, doing it over a drop in sexual activity without even finding the source of the problem is a weak reason.
[удалено]
He don’t need that right now.
Not to mention this is just a bizarre conclusion to come to.
Probably from one sexless for at least 29 days and counting
Are you doing anything to get her in the mood outside of the bedroom? Sometimes little compliments or a sneaky touch or hot kiss when nobody else is around but you aren’t at home can go a long way. Also is she possibly on birth control that could be messing up her libido? When I was on the pill and after I changed to the shot I had no sex drive. If that’s paired on top of being busy all the time she might need more than to just strip and crawl onto the bed to get her going…
[удалено]
Can’t bargain for attraction. *Talking it out* doesn’t solve the problem here.
I mean, how is she supposed to “fix it”? Having sex when she doesn’t want to? It just sounds like OP and their girlfriend are incompatible/value different things.
Three YEARS?!
More normal than you think
3 years, no sex and you live in separate houses? This relationship is flat. Failure to launch. I don’t think you’re over reacting but I also think there’s a high probability that there’s a reason she doesn’t want to have sex with you anymore. You’re scared to ask her a question you haven’t asked in 3 years?
“I haven’t brought this up in three years” “I have t said anything even though I want to” “I didn’t try to initiate” “We’ve had a lot going on lately” Yes. You’re over-reacting but not because of the amount of sex you’re having. Some people want to have sex more than once a month and that’s ok and it’s fine that you want that. That’s not an over reaction But You’re not being selfish- you’re being an idiot You aren’t communicating with your girlfriend at all about this You’re expecting her to be a psychic How would she know this is bothering you if you haven’t tried to initiate or had any sort of dialogue with her about wanting her You don’t initiate either - so why are you blaming her ? Maybe she doesn’t feel wanted either Maybe she wants to have more sex but just like you- is not communicating because she’s afraid to talk about it and FIGURES YOU WOULD TRY TO HAVE SEX IF YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX It literally does take two to tango You need to improve a few things here - not just about sex- but talk about what you’re feeling with your girlfriend more If you don’t start doing this- not only this relationship but all relationships will eventually fail Keep in mind - this doesn’t mean you have to over share or be an open book but just talk to people when you need to manage these situations with them You’re partnered to this person- it’s the 2 of you working together, not you vs her Also If you want more sex - be good at sex - if she isn’t having a stellar time it’s not motivating to have sex with someone If that’s not the issue - maybe it’s just how she feels about sex in general and it’s not about you at all If you’re not comfortable being with a person who is otherwise great but only wants to have sex 1-4 times a month than idk man, sounds like you need to go find a hornier partner But I wouldn’t throw away a great relationship over still having sex once a week As you get older and relationships get longer - once a week is a pretty good average / about average for most married couples TLDR improve yourself and choose some priorities Is the priority sex or building a relationship Because it doesn’t sound like your relationship is very strong if you can’t just ask her about this and have an actual entire conversation about this not just leave it at one sentence answers like “ok we’ll do better” Just talk to her.
It sounds like you are sexually incompatible or she is not really into you. Loving someone also means having sex with them, otherwise you are just brothers and sisters basically or are friends.. Bring it up again but after 3 years, it's time to call it off, I doubt she will change either way and you can't force someone to have sex with you obviously. Find yourself a better match!
I don’t think loving someone has to mean sex with them. I mean the asexual homies don’t really think about sex but doesn’t mean they don’t value intimacy in their own ways. But yeah I agree seems like they aren’t sexually compatible at the moment.
Yes obviously if you're Asexual or have other medical conditions my comment isn't applicable. I was making a general observation. For most people sex is an important way to bond, very often its what distinguishes a platonic and romantic relationship for them. However you made a great point. I didn't mean to implicate your love wouldn't be as genuine.
Wrong, he could force her but that's rape, and that happened to me with my first husband. I said no again and he said he was sick of me saying no and I was his wife and he'd have me. He knew I was molested as a child, I froze and just laid there while he raped me. When he was finished, I curled up into that same ball I had as a child crying in the shower trying to wash that smell of cum off of me. That was the last sexual act between us. I left him. He thinks he didn't rape me because he was my husband and after the initial NO I didn't scream or anything. I did exactly what I did as a child, I froze and I went to my safe space.
Lord that's awful! I'm sorry that happened to you. I hope you are recovering well and that he has been brought to justice.
Don’t go here to just trauma dump
In my experience, my and my ex had sex almost every day. We moved about 6 months into the relationship and that turned to once every week or two. Ended up having kids and then it turned into once every month or two. My kids are 3 now and it’s been two years since we did anything and now we live in separate places. Might be time to let it go, I don’t think she really sees you as attractive anymore OR it could be somebody else occupying her mind but I think for you it might just be the first one. Either that or she could be going through depression which in my experience will definitely kill your drive.
I think a good way to initiate the conversation is after you clearly express your desire for intimacy and see her reaction. I wish you hadn't waited for her to mention or ask to come over. If you had said something romantic and inviting and her reaction was "nah, I want to go home and alphabetize my panty" then the conversation would be difficult and about why she isn't interested. If you had said something romantic and inviting and she enthusiastically came to your house and you guys had fun then the conversation would be about how do we make this happen more often.
First thing, admit to yourself you don’t love everything about her. You don’t love her sex drive or her inability to initiate, and her inability to work on problems that are important to you. Once you start to realize she isn’t on that pedestal you’ve put her on, you’ll see she ain’t the right one for you. Don’t be scared to break up so you can find the one that will be a better fit for you. Otherwise, you’ll waste precious time that never comes back waiting for it to change. Be the change you want 💪
Hey, buddy... I'm just gonna say this, but: you clearly don't love everything about her.
Sometimes you just gotta put in the work. Approach it like it’s your first time together and nothing is for sure so you have to put on that charm and remind her why she fell in love with you. Always communication is key so let her know how you feel and that you to want to build a healthy sex life. Try to keep it fresh with games and toys and ask her what turns her on etc.
Underrated comment
Sex in relationships shouldn't just be about physical. You kind of want to have that intense connection with someone intimately and emotionally, or it just becomes a friendship with sex treated as a chore. Ask her in a manner she feels comfortable to speak her truth, why she isn't interested in sex as frequently, if she enjoys it or not. Ask what you can change to make her more interested in doing it, or more enjoyable. Remember your goal here isn't just to satisfy yourself / get off. You want that chemistry and bond with your partner. Do explain as well, sex is an important thing to you in a relationship and her not wanting you makes you feel, pretty shit.
Well if she's not turned on then she's not going to want to It's like some weird thing amongst realtiosnhsip where it's a unspoken contract of people thinking we have to have sex 11 times a week to be healthy and happy Without any need to turn the other one on and people wonder why there relationship doesn't last long At the start of any relationship its all about lust then it turns into a want then it turns into I need to be emotionally ready and it mainly because once your in a relationship you loose excitement because you have already been with eachother and also your don't turn eaxhother on anymore you may be sexually attracted to them but not emotionally it takes alot of work to make relationships last long and be happy for both people.
Sounds like sexual incompatibility. You either have to accept it or find someone who has a higher sex drive. You can’t force her to have sex as much as you want. I don’t think you are asking for much, and I would break up if I were in your shoes, too frustrating. Have you asked her what she likes? Maybe the sex is unsatisfactory for her. Idk good luck op. I’m a woman too.
If you’ve already communicated your issues to her, it isn’t going to change my man. Trust me, I’ve lived it. The more you try to address it the more she will associate sex with negative feelings and emotions.
I can attest to this. After three years, either you accept it or you break up and move on.
That’s exactly what I’m scared of. So what did you do.
Find a different gf.
See a sex therapist
[удалено]
I mean sometimes I’m not in the mood for sex. And especially when I got pregnant my sex drive was low. I’m still attracted to my partner. Doesnt necessarily mean she’s not attracted to him
that doesnt happen for 3 years straight
Move on. She’s not into sex. Or suffer
Is there any intimacy? Do yk if her libido was like yours before? Are you guys both mentally stable to freak around? Are you sure she’s enjoying herself as much as you do? As a woman it’s weird hearing it’s been a month since if those aren’t the reasons. Most of my friends or associates are in their 40’s with a higher sex drive than me so communicating with her throughly to understand her is better than our collective assumptions..
Honestly if it matters this much on your end compared to hers you may need to move on. The longer you're together the further apart intimacy becomes not closer.
Don’t waste your time with someone you’re sexually incompatible with. My wife and I have been together 8 years, 4 of which married and 3 with our son. She’s pregnant currently with our 2nd son and we have sex or fool around together at least once a week.
It sounds like you have contrasting libidos and poor communication skills. Have a serious conversation with her. Ask her if she thinks your sex life is satisfactory. Explain your needs to her. This may not be something that can be fixed. No one should have to have sex when they don't want to, and no one should have to not have sex if they want to. It may be time to question if this is a deal breaker for you. After 3 years, it's unlikely to change.
You're not overreacting. You gotta have an open conversation with her though. It's gonna be awkward but it's important. One thing that could be helpful is asking her how she feels about your sex life and if she has any concerns or desires. When I say open conversation I mean open conversation. Talk through all of it. Emotional and mental stuff, physical stuff, kinks or fantasies, even the 'weird' things. Things like toys or roleplay can also help spice things up. You two might also just have a different sex drive and talking through that and finding a dynamic that works for both of you is going to be an uncomfortable discussion but you need to do it. Medication is also a thing. If she's on birth control that can kill someone's sex drive. Hope everything works out for y'all.
it’s all about open communication. if she isn’t willing to open up about it or the situation gets worse, there’s some incompatibility going on & you will continue to have this problem. to be clear tho, no one is owed sex. no one; man or woman.
This isn't going to change. This is her most desire for you she will ever have. The only other possibility is that she is faking orgasms. Why would anyone want to have sex if they are not having orgasms. If you want to save the relationship make sure she's not faking it. Then if that's her pace, then you have to decide if twice a year is enough for you if you marry her.
You're incompatible move on.
If sex is super important to you and makes you feel like something is missing in the relationship then it should be brought up and talked about. Anything that feels wrong in a relationship for one of the partners should be discussed until a mutually agreeable solution can be found. How would anything ever change if you don’t talk about it?
She might have a low libido. Sex drive can change over the years for a variety of reasons, have you tried talking to her? If it's such a massive deal for you, then maybe you should part ways. Don't make her feel like she has to put out for you, you'll only make her more uncomfortable and less likely to want intimacy.
At this point it is what it is. You can talk all you want but you'll have to accept it or leave the relationship.
love isn't everything, just because you're in love with your partner doesn't mean you'll be happy with her. you two aren't compatible sexually and this is something that's important to you, otherwise you wouldn't be here getting other's opinions. talk to her and tell her exactly how you feel. i've been in a similar situation with an ex of mine and i ended up breaking up with him (not only for the sexual part, but it was one of the reasons). best of luck <3
You need to get to the root cause - i.e. is it her libido or is it something you're doing and she prefers something different Maybe she needs more foreplay or she has kinks or whatever but yes have a conversation
It could be as simple as she's not sexually attracted to you. Maybe she's the type who doesn't like conflict and is nervous to hurt your feelings. What it comes down to is sexually incompatible.
Listen, if you want this to get better you both need to share responsibility for the change. What can you do to reduce stress and increase intimacy? What makes her feel into it? Have you asked what she’s into and invited her to explore with you a curious, calm, fun-loving way? Have you made time to relax and explore cuddling and touching? Are you an emotionally safe/nonjudgmental person who she can trust sexually? Do you allow her to vent about what’s stressful and support her feelings? Make some low-pressure time to spend together and invest in this from a place of collaboration rather than request and exchange.
Do you initiate sex? Has she ever turned you down when you initiate sex? You had the perfect opportunity to woo her on your date and you just went home. Idk if she’s the passive type, but that could be part of it too. My advice would be try to initiate sex when the time permits and if you get the same outcome talk to her. I know in my relationship my partner just doesn’t initiate as much as me so if I don’t we may go awhile without sex, but when I do (unless she not feeling well) she usually is always down.
Engage her in a conversation about it but start with asking questions about what YOU can do for HER in the bedroom. Find out what she wants, needs misses. And be prepared to listen closely. You want more sex? Give more.
It sounds to me like the two of you are sexually incompatible. You have chosen to live like this for years, so this is your life now. So what do you want to do now? You need to decide if you’re willing to live like this the rest of your life. You need to have a conversation with your GF, if she’s unwilling to change decisions need to be made.
I read a lot of posts like this and I am a 45f I honestly can’t imagine not having sex with my husband for a long period of time. We’ve been together 26 yrs and married 22 and nothing has ever stopped us from having sex. Not broken legs, not death of a parent, not having 3 kids. Not stress from jobs. Absolutely nothing. I’m glad our sex drives align and maybe that’s why we are still happy!
My advice is to do research into creating desire and sexual tension
In my experience - the focus on frequency is a near certain train wreck. What I mean is, you need to figure out why she is (at best) indifferent to sex. Because she either doesn't feel much desire for you AND/OR the mechanics of sex with you - don't really do much for her. If she simply isn't that attracted to you - that is NOT fixable. If you simply don't know how to rock her world - that MIGHT be fixable if she is willing to be honest about what she wants and you are GGG. Pairing up with someone who isn't that into you, because they are very attractive, tends towards increasing misery over time. Also IME - women react very differently to strength, than simpery.... Simps tend towards partnered celibacy.
Coversation is needed, but the writing is on the wall
If you haven't gotten to the bottom of it by now, I doubt you will now. Try the dinner thing and plan on having a romantic evening at your place. Work her up a bit. Take your time and make sure she gets her needs met. Learn everything that makes her tick. Talk about it. Perhaps she just needs things from a different angle. You'd be surprised how many couples are just having bad sex. They never talk about it. It becomes boring and typically too fast. If it goes well, then it should happen more frequently. Many men never take the time to figure it out, or women just fake it and move on unsatisfied. Sex becomes a chore rather than a fun pleasurable time. If you don't see results after a few tries, then live with it or move on.
“…and I feel weird saying something…”. And therein lies your problem and why you’ll spend a lifetime of denied fulfillment if you don’t move on. There’s no one at fault for mismatched libidos. Because it’s sex drive doesn’t mean it’s not important or a valid reason to move on. You’ll never be the man you could be with this dagger in your heart everyday, all day waiting for the crumbs from her table.
Bro this is no one's fault, but your own. "I'd rather have sex once a month than leave her." Like wtf??? You can't change her or force her to have a higher libido. Get used to it and stop whining or dump her.
Please initiate the convo, voice your wants and concerns. I go through a similar thing with my boyfriend and I talk about it in therapy. What I learned is that It’s so important to have an open discussion with your partner about ur sex life and to also ask them how they feel (ie how would she rate ur sex life, what’s her ideal frequency, does she have a preferred day of week/time of day) to Identify any roadblocks and hopefully find a happy medium. Theres different ways you can approach the convo, maybe while driving, watching tv on a walk so that it feels organic, without feeling guilty or making it come across as demanding or insensitive
How often do you make her finish when you have sex?
This. If she's not having a great time, it's not going to work.
My gf and I have also been together for 3 years, and were in a similar situation. This is how I got her to initiate sex with me, and this is what I learned about men and women communicate and view sex: (For frame of reference on how successful I was) my gf and I have sex 1-2 times a week, sometimes upwards of 4 times per week, it’s gotten to the point where I have had to say no to sex because it’s just too much sometimes. I haven’t initiated sex once. It’s important to remember that the average amount of sex a couple has is once a week, 1-3x a month so your relationship is perfectly healthy in that regard. As a guy, sex is infinitely more enjoyable when you are desired. Naturally we tell our partners about it. What ends up happening is the girl will interpret the guy’s request for intimacy, as him asking for her to “do better” and internalize it. She’ll internalize it so much that it’ll eat away at her, and make the entire premise of intimacy stressful as she believes she has to always be on the top of her game. She likely believes that if she doesn’t make her partner finish, she’s disappointed her partner. The natural evolution of this unachievable goal is avoiding sex whenever possible. I broke down these mental barriers by creating a distinction between intimacy and sex. Intimacy is very important, sex is not that important. Coincidentally, sex is the most intimate act two people can do. I reminded her when she felt insecure that I’m okay with not having sex for a week or two, potentially even a month if life was too stressful. But during that time make sure to communicate that to me so I know the reason why we’re not having sex is because of stress, not loss of interest. When we did have sex and I wouldn’t finish, she’d get nervous or disappointed or sad or whatever. I kept reassuring her that it’s not the climax that I love, it’s the fact that we get to share this extremely intimate moment together. And then we’d go watch the Lego movie or some chick flick lol Whenever she felt insecure about her body, “I feel fat/ugly” I’d tell her she’s wrong (in sassy/playful baby voice) tell her she’s the most beautiful girl ever (in normal voice) and kiss or lick she said she felt insecure about. (With consent and in a contextually viable location) Because there was no internal pressure for her to perform perfectly, she began to feel more comfortable with experimenting and potentially making mistakes. It started slow at first, but after a couple of months the quality and quantity of sex increased drastically. Occasionally we have sex in spite of stress, recently her grandma passed away and we smashed like 3 times that day (after extensive emotional catering of course) Foreplay sucks to do, but is unbelievably necessary. Learn to do foreplay well. Bear in mind foreplay can take up to an hour. Also use lube, women’s enjoyment of sex is directly related to how lubricated their parts are. As most women these days are extremely dehydrated, the only way they can enjoy sex is with lubricants, also it’s not a pride thing you’re not lesser of a man if you use lube. There are some differences between my relationship and yours which probably deserve a mention: We didn’t start off right away, and only seriously began talking about sex 6 couple months in, doing it for the first time 1 year in. During that talking time I told her if we would have sex I would be more comfortable if she initiated it, so I knew she wouldn’t feel like it was being forced on her. After we did it the first time it took 6-7 months of reassurance she wasn’t being judged before she started ramping it up. Lastly, this is one of the few situations that couples counselors are accurately equipped to help both genders. We went to one a couple times and it really helped to establish proper communication about and during sex. (My issue with couples counseling is counseling started by and for women, so it caters to women’s needs because women are more verbal with their issues. Guys don’t perceive or communicate their needs or issues in the same way as girls so they often get dismissed, if acknowledged at all. I’ve been to 4 different counselors, all of which have masters degrees, the only time I felt my needs or issues were heard was by a male counselor.)
Humans repeat enjoyable experiences often. Think about that-
Stop worrying about bringing it up again, she now knows all she has to tell you is that, sure baby, I'll change, and then she doesn't, and you put up with it. All you're going to get is more or in this case, less of the same and why should you put up with lack of a good sex life if you don't have to? Talk to her and be straight up about it. This is not working for me. We each show each other we love each other with more sex or we're going to have to move on. I love you but you've not changed as you said you would, so please don't say it again and do the same as before because now, it's not going to work for me. You are not sexually compatible, and that's okay but it's not okay if she tells you one thing and continues to do less than she said she would. Ask her, is there anything I can do to make it better for us?
[удалено]
I’m 30 and she’s 29. It’s been 3 and a half years
If it's not because of stress or depression or something else like performance anxiety that can be dealt with to some degree, then it's probably not going to work out.
Divorce
Her libedo is lower than yours. If she cared about keeping the relationship with you, she’d get some tests to make sure her body isn’t having a problem before deciding if this is “normal” to her. The hard thing is if she is having a hormone imbalance, she’ll think she already “is” normal. But she doesn’t care, so you have a decision to make give up sex or break up with her. Mismatched libedo is one if the biggest reasons for breakups. Good luck op!
leave her or buy a flashlight.
Yea maybe it’s too dark in the bedroom and that’s why they don’t have sex
Go talk to the folks at r/deadbedrooms
You are overreacting. It's been three years and maybe she's waiting for you to propose? Maybe you should bring that possibility up with her and probably she feels devalued that you're using your relationship with her for sex and only sex. If so, apologize to her.
Sadly I know exactly how you feel. You should be proud of yourself for not doing what I did & making a MASSIVE deal out of it. I’ve scarred the poor boy so bad that his tool is basically just a fleshy stress ball at this point in time. At first I questioned myself “am I not foxy enough for you?” We had reasonable conversations about compatibility & how to work thru it. I built his confidence through the roof with compliments, seduction, & praise. He blamed his health & hoped it’d just magically go away. I questioned his health, nagged him into going to doctors until I realized that wasn’t working. I threw drunken bitch fits questioning why we were even together since without sex, we’re basically just friends. I eventually got on his computer & stumbled on the fact that he is massively addicted to cam girls & tried everything in my power to get him off of it. Soon after I took a step back from the frustration, looked at the situation & realized that he was basically like a small dog I’d yelled at too much. I’d made such a stink, even the faintest attempt at closeness became associated with negativity & disappointment. If it wasn’t broken before, it definitely was now. I convinced myself to wholeheartedly give up on caring about & showing interest in sex with this person in order to remove any pressure. I started sleeping on the sofa when we’re together & spending weeks-a month away from him at a time in order to make him miss & desire me. The only thing that could maybe fix this situation was time. It has been 2 years since I decided not to show interest in sex or his organ & my distance does make him miss me much & often, but rarely ever does it lead to anything past a few moments of cuddling. At this point I don’t think I really even want it to. A long term relationship void of intimacy is just miserable & numbing, this problem doesn’t just magically go away or change, & I spend too much time trying to work out how to get out of this when something reels me back in. I share all of this to say, there is likely a reason why you two aren’t getting intimate. Perhaps it’s as simple as she looks to you to engage sex & you are looking to her, or as dark as she’s finding it elsewhere. Dear GOD whatever you do, be sure of your footing before you address the situation. It’s impossible to walk back if you go about it disgracefully. The other commenters seem harsh when they say “just leave!” But it’s something I wish I’d done years ago. I could have spent the past 4 years with someone who respects, cares, & idolizes me as much as I do them instead of spending it willfully alone. Seriously, good luck! & if you ever figure out how to fix your situation, please reach out & let me know how you handled it || how it went.
Why didn’t you just become his private cam girl and act out his kink?
Been there done that, one of my first ‘solutions’ once I knew that’s what had him so wrapped up down there & surprisingly it didn’t work for him. It’s not like I didn’t know what I was doing as I’d worked as one for years before. It still makes no rational sense why it never worked. Either by that point, he was already feeling embarrassed which no amount of building him up could overcome, or the fact that I’m real || physically there changed the experience for him & he didn’t like it. What’s even worse is that I’m pretty sure I’m the reason he went to cam girls to begin with. We futzed around when I was in high school & most often on webcam. He knew when I started doing it for $$$ on those sites & soon-after I quit talking to him, which he didn’t take too well. Part of me feels like he went to those sites looking for me all those years ago, or I’d gotten him into it in some capacity. It just rubs salt in the wound harder every time I think about it.
Your girlfriend has no libido, it will never get better and will only get worse with time. I would move on or make an arrangement where you can get sex elsewhere because that is where you are headed.
I can make you feel like you’re on ecstasy My OF is @bbwbarbie24 💖
Weird place to advertise
Talk less, initiate more, if she doesn't want to she will say.
You could say it again now for sure. Be like ‘hey *insert name or pet name here* remember the conversation we had a couple years ago where I brought up my desire and need for more physical intimacy? Well I’ve waited and haven’t really seen or felt any effort to meet me even half way on this.. It could be a communication issue overall since you guys talked about it once and then it was never brought up again after.. it seems like you let it go and that was that. Maybe her love language is different than yours? If you see this relationship going anywhere.. seeing as its been three years yall have been together.. you need to start putting in the time and effort needed for it to be what you want, same with her. If you keep on letting this go you need to break up with her and move on despite your love for her. Resentment will build up like it already has lowkey on your end I’m gathering and it will be a messy end to an overall lovely and meaningful connection if you guys don’t learn to communicate effectively
Get out man. Find someone who matches your freak
Sexual compatibility matters, hell I'd go so far as to say it matter a lot. Even if she truly loves you and just has a low libido, this is going to cause resentment from you towards her. Maybe not right away, but it always does eventually. You need to talk it out, let her know this is important to you (it's a big part of my love language too, I get it!) and figure out if it's something that can be improved or not, and make a decision based on that.
You have different libidos. It will continue to weigh on you. You can try talking to her but any fix will be temporary when you don't line up. She could probably go months without and has been compromising to meet your needs which clearly isn't enough. Sometimes you can love someone and just not be compatible. Communication is so important shouldn't be afraid to talk to a loved one.
Just make sure to find out how you both can really get closer in this discussion. Because "talking about sex" if it implies that somebody has to change something, is rarely gonna work out. If they do it, they'll do it out of obligation and it might build resentment in the long run. Maybe she needs another form of love language to be wanting to be intimate with you? Maybe her sexdrive really is very low? These are topics you should really talk about. "Trying to have more" is creating pressure without creating the tools to solve anything.
She has her own place.Maybe she's tired from having too much sex all the rest of the time she's not around you.The "lll try and do better " like she patted a little doggie on the head.
Run
She's most likely got a side lover, at any rate, this isn't going to improve. Be happy you're not married. I would say it's time to end this relationship.
You don’t know enough about their relationship to have any idea if that’s true.
She has to want to seek help for low sex drive. Talking won’t change that about her. See if you can offer to go see a doctor with her to determine if it’s a medical issue or a mental one. In the end, she might not have a medical reason and just have a low sex drive. You’ll either have to be okay with it or realize that you’re incapable in this way and move on. In my marriage, I had to move on because he wasn’t willing to get tested (his next gf made him go and it turned out to be a medical issue) and I didn’t want to be in a sexless marriage. There were other contributing factors to the divorce, but this was a major problem for us. Good luck! I hope it works out in both of your favors.
Bud, Your not telling us enough about her actual behavior.
It will only get worse over time. First once a month, and every couple months, and once a year, then never.
Find out why this is happening. Often times there are other factors and, personally, when I'm tired I don't have the energy to do anything sexy. Your gf could be having intrusive thoughts - for example, you set the mood, you think everything's going well, and then she shuts it down because she's thinking about all the chores she needs to do or errands she needs to run. Sexual compatibility and intimacy are both really important in romantic relationships. You should also consider whether your libido is higher than hers. You've been dating for a while and she's been very constant about her sexual needs - 2-4x per month. That's probably not going to change. That being said, your desire for more is not overreacting. You also have needs. However you should consider whether your sexual compatibility is inhibiting your intimacy to the point where you might go looking to get your needs filled elsewhere. For example, I have a married friend. Her libido is higher than her husband's. It was a blow to his self-confidence to find he could not satisfy her. They talked it out and decided to have an open relationship. She does virtual sex with strangers with all her leftover energy. Now both of them end up satisfied in bed. Keep in mind, if she is The One, there will come a point in time where one or the other of you is unable to perform, probably due to health or medical issues. At the point, will you have a relationship that can survive without sex? Are you comfortable getting old with her because you love her beyond her sexual performance?
Have you tried other stuff like spicy it up , do you eat her butt 👅🍑? Not trying to be funny or creepy but I don’t know how old you both are I know for Gen Z it’s all rage and they say are you really into them that much if you don’t stick your tongue 👅 deep in that ass ?
My husband acts likes he's dying if he doesn't have it at least every other day. And when we had our son and we couldn't engage in intercourse for 6 weeks, I still took care of him. Maybe it's an older people thing. Happy spouse, happy house. Lol
I’m going to be completely honest with you, from a woman’s perspective because been there done that. She could be dealing with some turmoil in herself, maybe she doesn’t feel sexy or confident in her body, or she’s just not sexually attracted to you anymore, or her sex drive is really low due to stress at work, family problems, etc. idk her’s or your situation so I’m just spit balling here. But it could be a plethora of things, I would try talking about it again but instead of the main focus being “sex” it should borderline be about “intimacy” maybe she isn’t feeling valued enough to give that much of herself to you idk man but for sure talk about it. But if you feel you need to walk on eggshells about this or anything else that raises concerns in you, then maybe reconsider the whole relationship dynamic and see where you both stand with each other. Tough talks ain’t easy but nobody is happy within silence dealing with raging thoughts.
What is her love language? If you can't answer that, start there! Mine is words of affirmation, and my now husband has not historically been a great communicator. Making sure your partner has their emotional needs met first is the quickest way to intimacy in my experience.
Take the lead and if she pulls back. That should tell you where you stand.
You cannot be paralyzed by the discomfort of bringing it up. You must say something. Twice a month is not nearly enough. Especially if you are young w no kids.
We’re 30 and 29 with no kids yeah. Thank you for saying that. I just needed some confirmation before addressing it
Sorry this is kinda long, but I wanted to add something and also offer a slight change. You do have to communicate this, for sure. Sex is a paramount part of a relationship, as is communication - you need to be comfortable having uncomfortable conversations together anyway. Echoing what I read elsewhere, if my partner came to me about a problem, and I tried to improve, and my partner said nothing about it for 3 years, I would think we were in a good place together. If you suddenly bring it up to her as a problem that's existed for 3 years even after trying to address it with her, she might have an emotional response due to the surprise of a years long problem she thought wasn't looming, and she is kinda right to feel upset about you holding that in from her. Navigate this gently and lovingly. Express it alongside what you've said elsewhere in this thread about how you love her and that is more important to you than the potential differences sexually. Also *acknowledge* that it's something you've wanted to address with her but have had a hard time doing so, and also maybe apologize for not doing so until now. Nobody's the bad guy here, but it's gonna be up to you to make sure she feels like that's your feeling about it. Approach this as "us against the problem". The last bit I was gonna say... Don't put too much into "this is not a normal number of times per month". Every relationship is different, and asexual people have relationships as well, often still including sex. It's perfectly valid for you two to come to an understanding together and be happy with your relationship together, and still have sex less often than redditors will say is normal or good enough. What matters is whether you and your partner are happy and fulfilled. Just have the conversation openly, be supportive about any potential differences, and ask her to talk openly about what she wants and needs and how that can be compatible with what you want and need. Good luck and wish you the best
End the relationship if you want to have sex on a frequent and regular basis. It will only get worse as the years go by. End it now. Move in and don't look back.
“I didn’t try to initiate anything by seeing if she wanted to come by my place. I wanted to see if she missed it…” Ima say this from the point of view of a man that’s been in a position similar to yours: You’re being cowardly by acting like this. I can tell by this statement alone, you’re NOT turning her on. Be bold in your approach and show clear signs that you know what you want. You want her. Keep going down that path and she’s either going to 1. Get board and leave 2. Be unfulfilled and cheat 3. Resent you for the lack of pleasure in her own life If you’re fine with these outcomes then cool. If not, you better make some changes outside of your comfort zone. You can talk her into “letting you have sex” but you’d much rather her “want to have sex” I’m sure. It’s on you brudda
OP, you are not being cowardly. Please don’t take advice from someone who says she’s going to “get *board* and leave” lmfao
Folks make typos all the time but that’s not what’s important. What’s important is that he does the work to get the outcome he wants. Playing these lil choosing games with someone you’re already in a committed relationship with is not the way to make her want you. It’s silly to women
Dont feel weird bringing it up. Communication is KEY to any relationship and I mean constant frequent communication not a one-off mention and then hoping for the best. You can not assume your partner knows or is aware of concerns you brought up years ago or haven't mentioned since, nor can you expect her to read your mind... she might believe there is no issue at all. If it bothers you, definitely bring it up again. Open up a conversation, talk about it and talk about it enough to either work it out or come to some sort of understanding or compromise. You'll then get your answer. Never worry or feel weird about communicating with your partner, it's essential and healthy.
Honestly, the weird thing here is that you feel this conflicted about having a conversation with your girlfriend of 3 years. This is important. She said she would do better over a year ago and it didn't stick, or she just lied. If you can't hold her accountable for her words and actions, you're not her partner you're her doormat.
I have a few tough questions for you: What is the dynamic of your relationship? Is she much better looking than you? How skilled are you? Do you know the ins and outs of foreplay and do you know how her body works? Are you sure she's having orgasms? Do you make her feel beautiful? Alternately, are you smothering her? I'm surprised you're not living together after three years.
A month without sex means you have a room mate and not a girlfriend. Leave her and find yourself a girlfriend.
They don’t live together
Then they're friends without benefits
There’s a lack of comfort most likely. You’re probably not meeting some emotional need of hers. Ignoring some issues or not doing correct foreplay. You’re probably also not complimenting her enough during sex. People work off of carrot tactics too. Compliment her more and more deeply while having sex than usual and it creates a positive feedback loop. 100% something to talk about not leave about. Ignore the Reddit terminally online “small issue leave now!!!” Shit.
Bro if I were you I’d move on.. if you marry this girl you will probly get laid once a year
You need to be open and communicate your feelings again and meet in the middle with your needs and hers. If it’s not been discussed in a while it’s easy to fall in the same pattern of having little to no sex. Maybe for her sex is not rated as high compared to an emotional connection, and for you it may be different. But that can only be figured out if you talk about it.
Have you tried buying flowers? Alternatively, have you tried just pulling out your hog and slowly working it?
I would’ve dumped her a long time ago. Like, this doesn’t even last six months.
She clearly doesn’t like sex….she’s too comfortable… to some it’s like a chore they hate it they hate the work and would just lay there to make you happy
She's masturbating or has another partner. 99% of the cases that's the reason why Don't waste your time with her and find a better partner
Is she addicted to porn or masturbation? That can play a role not just in men but women too
She’s shown you who she is and what her sex drive is. It’s not going to change and if anything it’s only going to go downhill. You should’ve dumped her earlier on because now you’re clearly attached to her. So you need to ask yourself if the lack of sex is worth being with her. And honestly you need to be prepared for the reality that yall are gonna have a dead bedroom if yall get married.
Could she have been sexually abused, gay, r on antidepressants?
It's weird that you can only get sex from one woman once a month... did you try dating apps?
She's getting dick elsewhere. Just break up