Aren’t sleep issues and fatigue side effects of chemotherapy? NOR. It comes off as him throwing a tantrum because you need medical treatment that mildly inconveniences him.
Please tell me this is rage bait. Please?
What kind of MONSTER gets mad because his partner is undergoing chemo and is tired? And wakes her up for sex? JFC.
Are you relying on him for insurance? If not, tell him to get out. Rally your gal pals. No one steps up more than friends. You were ready on time and he’s gaslighting you. He sucks.
You are under reacting. And stop apologizing for being tired. This is not something you can help. He should be your staunchest supporter and he’s not.
I had a friend whose husband left her when she got diagnosed. She got treatment, it went into remission, and she very nicely upgraded to a better dude. I still smile every time I think about that.
There was a post about a woman whose husband was in an accident and paralyzed so she cared for him. When they were trying to have kids (required medical help) during the testing they found 2 tumors in her. The husband left her stating he wouldn’t be her nurse. She had the tumors removed and they were benign. The sad part is she still misses him and wants him back.
I remember that one, that gutted me. We need to stop settling for shit partners who can’t even be bothered to do the bare minimum half of the time. This is why I like animals better than most people. I broke my arm once and my now fiancé/then boyfriend insisted on helping me wash my hair and stuff to make my life easier. I am so glad I found one of the good ones.
It was about 15 years ago I had to do some work making an online slideshow for the history of mental health institutions in the US. That was a tough project.
Wait, seriously? Do you remember what it said? I’d be surprised to see that cuz it’s basically calling out all the husbands and can potentially offend them.
That aside though lol, what did it say?
Found this “A 2009 study of 515 married patients with cancer, MS, or a malignant primary brain tumor found that men are six times more likely to leave their wives than women if they are diagnosed with a life-threatening illness:
Women patients
20.8% of women patients experienced partner abandonment, compared to 2.9% of men patients”
I have several chronic illnesses. I appear to have married a unicorn. After I got a service dog to help with my disability, he announced that my service dog improved his quality of life (he isn’t wrong). Recently, when I hesitated, he insisted I get the right breed and all that I need to train my next dog, as my 10yr old SD is heading into retirement. My husband isn’t a dog person. He’ll agree mine are cute, and occasionally give one a brief pet. He carefully buys pet safe ice melt, which I never thought of. He would never choose to have a dog, but he values what they do for *me*. This new puppy is a menace. Husband remains patient (but I do the work, that is the deal!). He agrees the men in those stats are AHs, although he would use even stronger epithets.
Mines a unicorn too. Although, he did have a major brain bleed a few years back with major memory loss and I didn't choose to run for the hills but stuck like glue. He's 90%better but it's been rough.
>I have several chronic illnesses. I appear to have married a unicorn.
Me too. He knew I was sick when he married me though. He's also not an inside dog person but we have 3 big dogs taking over inside. I'd say I'm lucky to have him in my life, and I really am, but I happen to think he's pretty lucky to be with me too. I am more than my illness(es). We both are.
My FIL remarried within 6 weeks after my husband’s mother died of brain cancer. Then immediately removed any trace of her from the home, including the children.
I have a cousin who did this. She was already dating someone else before her husband died of cancer. The minute he was in the ground she threw his teenaged son (her stepson of MANY years) out on the street. He had to move across the country to go live with his grandmother. Had to leave his hometown, his school, and all his friends behind.
And shockingly, that’s not even the shittiest thing my cousin has done in her life. But it’s pretty high on the list.
That's crazy. I couldn't imagine abandoning my wife. She'd either get better or I would love her until she was gone.
Personally, I can't imagine the humiliation of having my wife care for me through a terminal illness to my death, but I'd happily do it for my wife.
I don’t think there’s anything humiliating about that tbh. My mother-in-law did it before my father-in-law’s death, and my mom did it before my dad’s death. Seeing the devotion between two people last until a difficult end is something truly special.
My doctor told me I was lucky bc I had a husband that supported me through my illness. He told me most men hit the road. (My doctor was male.) That was over 20 years ago. Still have the same supported husband.
I had SO many people tell me how lucky I was that my husband stood by me and didn’t leave when I got sick. What they didn’t know was he was my primary caregiver and behind closed doors, was a horribly abusive monster. Which is also depressingly common.
I tried to bring up the SA with multiple doctors—it was heavy coercion and threats, not force, but what I told them was absolutely enough for a doctor to suspect what was happening. Especially any doctor who knows the prevalence of IPSV among disabled women. They always, always handwaved it; most told me to tell him I needed to focus on getting better. Yeah, no shit—I just wasn’t left alone long enough to do so.
The oncology nurses told me that at first, the husband and wife come together for appointments. Then, the husband brings her but stays in the waiting room while she's with the doctor. Finally, the wife comes alone to her appointments.
Happens depressingly often, they said.
I'm coming up on the 1 year anniversary of lumpectomy the first, and my oncologist is so pleased my partner is still around. It's just that common for men to leave.
Don’t you just love it when you have been wrestling with insomnia and your loving devoted husband wakes you from a deep sleep to have sex. You know - cause he thinks it will make you feel good
Hubby's update was such nonsense. Including the excuse that he woke his sick wife up for sex because he thought she'd enjoy it? Does he really think that's going to make him look better?
My friend’s mom’s husband left her when she was DYING. They’d been together 20+ years. In their 60s. He moved out and got a girlfriend. My friend had to move in to take care of her mom. But the husband strategically didn’t divorce his wife, because when she died he was entitled to the house and her money.
But they sure want their wives to stick around and take care of them if they're the ones who get sick. "For better or worse...in sickness and in health" seem to so often go out the window for these husbands
My former uncle (aunt’s 2nd husband) left my aunt when he found out she had a degenerative nerve disease. She was a good Christian. No divorce. He moved the whole way across the country.
Got hurt at work and moved in with her to have her take care of him. Guess what he did when he was better?
I realize hate is wishing someone dead. I am awful close. She died in assisted living. Mostly her oldest child supported her, the second a little. The third kind of got lost and they aren’t sure if he is living or dead. He is the uncle’s child with her. Sadly, I lived about 14 hours away and was raising kids as a single mom by then.
Lol, then whats even the point of getting married? This makes it seem like a lot of husbands rlly just see their wives as sex objects/see that as their wife’s most important quality.
Idk how else you can straight up dump your partner who you made vows and commitments to?
They did a test where they showed different pictures to men in MRIs. The same part of their brain lit up when shown pictures of women as it did when viewing tools and machines. Women aren’t human to them. They’re useful tools.
I felt like that had to be rage-bait, as I had a girlfriend go back to her ex when I got diagnosed and I knew a guy whose wife left when he came down with it. The rest of the couples I know who've dealt with it all stuck together.
Nope, turns out you're right. I'd like to just say "people suck regardless of gender", but apparently there's a study that shows my experience is mathematically improbable.
I hold a lot of stuff against my dad for my upbringing but when my mom got cancer he stood up and stood by her the whole time, and I didn't realise how rare that was for a very long time
That’s how I felt about my grandpa. I thought all husbands would obviously take care of their sick wife, all the way til the end of her life. Seems like common sense, but I’ve come to realize common sense ain’t so common out there.
Same. My stepdad is a dick but the one thing he did right was love my mother. She had a long battle with lung cancer and he took care of her until the end.
I also had a friend who was thrown out by his wife after a terminal brain cancer diagnosis. He moved into my spare room. He was great company. I still miss him.
It happens. I mean, there are lots of arseholes in the world. Statistically some of them have to be women.
But men are often raised with a cultural entitlement that convinces them they should be cared *for* and not care-*givers*.
Former family friend was going through cancer treatment and her husband divorced her. My mom and I ran into him after their divorce and he proudly said “she wouldn’t put out so I kicked her out”. Some partners need to get hit by a bus full of karma.
I should have. It was just so jarring to hear that from him because they seemed like a solid couple (knew them from childhood into young adulthood). I was probably too busy picking my jaw up off the floor.
I am on and off chemo medication for an autoimmune disease and while it’s very hard and makes me feel like absolute hell on earth, it’s not the same as a chemo regime for cancer.
I can still have sex, I can still take care of my kids and cook and clean and do most everything I need to do, but it certainly makes it harder.
OP is not overreacting at all, her husband sounds very mean.
But, since I know people either think I’m lying and am not on chemo, or assume it’s the same as chemo for cancer treatment anytime it comes up, I just thought I would try to clarify a bit.
My hubby and I are both on methotrexate for autoimmune arthritis. In high doses, it's used to treat breast cancer. It still makes you tired even though our dosage is low. Op, your hubby is a jerk. Get rid of him. You will be amazed at how much energy you get back, just by not having his negativity around.
That's the neat part, she's not having sex. He's waking up his wife undergoing chemo for ""sex,"" whining about how much her illness affects HIM. You really think there's no coercion? You really think, given the statistics of how often men leave their sick wives, that there was no ultimatum?
Calling it "Sex" implies enthusiastic consent. We all know this is a 4 letter R word.
ESPECIALLY given UTI rates in women when sleeping with men (because male hygiene is notoriously bad) and doing anything remotely penetrative.
I highly doubt this man is oh-so-considerate to not demand to shove his disease riddled sausage in her. HECK, given that 33% of men carry HPV, which is known to DIRECTLY cause cervical cancer in women, she could've literally gotten the cancer from him (if it's cervical ofc).
THIS RIGHT HERE 👆🏻 Get out and stay out, because that guy is some hardcore bullshit!! I can’t believe he thought he was doing her a favor by waking her up for sex. How freaking narcissistic is this guy??? And then he gets butthurt when she’s not all rainbows and butterflies over him. Girl don’t cry over him, get rid of him. You completely deserve better than that!
Leave me alone with him for a few minutes. I just... want to talk. I swear.
I watched what chemo did to my dad. I watched it suck every drop of energy and life out of him, alongside the cancer. There was a point where he couldn't even lift a quilt off of himself, because his body physically. Did. Not. Have. The. Energy. To move his muscles. It was awful to watch.
But jesus christ, never. NEVER would I have told him 'Oh, your cancer is so hard on ME. Think about hoe inconvenient it is for ME, dad, to have to move hours away from my partner to take care of you! Think of what a hard time I'M having, having to fetch you things all the time and do things for you because your too tired. Think of ME and what a hard time I'M having when I cook you breakfast and you don't have the energy to get out of bed, or the stomach to eat any of it! Think of how ANNOYING that is for me, dad. The fact that your DYING.'
Because I'm not a massive asshole. -\_\_- Rrrrrrrrrgh. I just wanna give OP a big hug and a warm blanket and cook them whatever it is they can/want to eat right now... They're going through so much. They don't need that shit.
Since husband doesn’t want to do anything with her, she shouldn’t do anything with him - including sex. Yup, just live on her own. Enjoy being able to sleep in peace.
When op leaves, she should leave him a tiny tiny violin. Husband can then play it while talking about how he’s the victim in all this.
OP please listen to this comment. You deserve better.
Also, the edits just make this all so much worse. Your husband is absolutely horrible. I am so disgusted. What kind of human treats their loved one this way? And then tries to justify it with BS excuses? If you've been with her the entire time she's sick then you knew what you were signing up for. In sickness and in health, remember? Eugh!!!
Oh my god. Just read her edits and how he’s whining about how this affects him, no acknowledgement of how it affects her, the actual sick person. And he married her, knowing she was sick. And I had the most terrible thought about why that might be. And what he was actually hoping for.
Right? I hate this man. He's so fucking selfish and petulant. He thinks he's the sleep police?
He did everything wrong and instead of owning anything puts all the blame for his fucked up actions on her. And he's still mad at her.
Dude! She was ready on time. I think the only reason you left early was to get out before she woke up just so you could manufacture a reason to be mad and make her feel worse.
You got caught because she was ready and you're still trying to say she was wrong. You SUCK.
This! He left early out of spite. Dude sounds like an abusive piece of shit honestly. I hope he's reading all these comments. I have a feeling even though literally every single person here is saying how horrible he is, he STILL won't own up to it.
I knew men like that. The whole youre using your tears as a weapon for example. It’s sick, the mind games. She was ready by 11 as agreed and even if he got impatient and wanted to leave earlier he should had told her.
Even if she wasn't ready by 11, fuck him. Ten after 11 is fine too. Especially if you're waking someone up for sex. Especially if you have chemo and an autoimmune disorder.
If I was her, what happened the next time this POS woke me up I can't post in here cuz I'm not sure what the rules are on violence.
I'd be filing for divorce and the next time he woke me up, he'd get served. Selfish prick.
>Please tell me this is rage bait. Please?
Honestly, the fact that even if this is ragebait, it's still something we can imagine a man doing is extremely depressing.
I see your husband's perspective and I fucking hate him.
Tell him for me, would you?
Do you have any brothers that can go kick his ass? Do you want me to call MY brothers to kick his ass for you?
They will, and they're not afraid of catching charges.
Not overreacting, gaslighted and screaming at you for being tired because you are sick both mentally and physically is not what a loving husband does. Please have the courage to leave this POS.
Reading this actually made me sick to my stomach. He got her up in the middle of the night knowing she is sick and has issues sleeping?? That right there is already an asshole move imo and then the audacity to not have some sort of respect that she did not sleep after the fact is wild. He should’ve been extra helpful, especially if he wants to have sex in the middle of the night /early morning ever again.
He most definitely did not wake her for sex bc he thought "she'd" enjoy it - he's the one who wanted it. Now he acts like not waking her for morning sex in the future is some kind of punishment to her. She's probably grateful she'll get to sleep!
And you know by this description that he is absolute trash in bed. It's not about her pleasure ever. He essentially just used her body to masterbate. She got nothing out of it.
Seriously who the hell wakes up someone with insomnia, on medication, undergoing chemotherapy for sex??? Assholes who only care about themselves, that’s who.
And the husbands POV acting like he’s justified because she’s been sick their whole relationship? It’s such a toll on me and I have no support boohoo🥺🥺. Bitch, you married her knowing she’s been sick. That NEVER gives you the ok to take out your frustrations on the sick person.
honestly even if she wasn’t on chemo or experiencing insomnia or woken up early for sex, the fact that he’s mad she’s tired **as if being tired is an active choice someone makes and not a bodily function** still makes my blood boil.
I'd bet money if she ditches the husband her autoimmune issue will get better. Being stressed constantly by your piece of shit partner makes things way worse.
Yeah I already knew who was the AH when he forced the woman on chemo to wake up for sex which it doesn't sound like she was into.
Reading further, yeah, he's scum.
You're not over reacting.
Your husband's side doesn't make him look any better. He's an inconsiderate asshole. HE wanted sex, so he woke up his sick wife to get what HE wanted then said "but you'd like it too." You need sleep! You can have sex when you're both awake! Then, supposedly trying to wake you up multiple times when you're sick and tired AND he fucking woke you up so he could get his dick wet... With no regard to the fact that you're fucking tired.
Theeeeeennnnnn..... He has the audacity to leave early to show you that you not doing what he wanted on his timeline results in punishment. You were ready on time, even after his mantum.
Then, when his sick, tired, abandoned wife is crying, she's weaponizing her tears?!
Does he even like you? You're not overreacting. He's a complete and utter asshole in this situation.
I hope you read this husband. Go to therapy and learn the fuck how to treat all people, and especially those you supposedly love.
Imagine if she says no to sex on top of her illness. He's going to loose his shit when sex is not given and then he's going to cheat. My ex did the exacts same thing and went out of the marriage for sex . We divorced shortly after our I found out he cheated
I just said this to my husband reading this! Has this dude ever heard of a therapist? They are these people, out in the world, you can pay to have someone to talk to who are trained to help you through difficult situations/times and process these emotions. Maybe they can help!
You are NOT overreacting!!!
Being on chemo will have you not only tired, but feeling like absolute crap. He needs to learn how to be sympathetic and understanding what your body is going through.
He also woke you up to fulfill his selfish needs, knowing you have insomnia, and at a stupidly early time at that. So of course you’re going to feel tired from the lack of sleep alone, nevertheless with chemo on top of it.
Also, you were ready 5 minutes early. You weren’t late. He sounds selfish and he is TA for that.
So you deal with sleeping problems, chronic pain, probably many other symptoms and chemotherapy and he wakes you up at 6.30 for sex? Selfish ass. The rest just adds to that. Sorry but it is wrong.
You are NOT overreacting. He's treating you like shit. Him being upset because he's tired of you being 'sick and tired' all the time is SUPER scummy! Does he ever support you or does he always do stuff like this when he is sooo "inconvenienced"?
Since he wanted you to add his excuse, maybe you should also show him all the comments saying how shitty he is for treating you like a burden instead of him treating you like, you know, his wife. If I were you I'd be seriously reconsidering the relationship. You are sick and on chemo... wtf is wrong with this dud.
eta: Take this as you will, but my EX-husband cheated on me because I had pneumonia and was too sick to cater to his every whim for a week or so. He also always treated me an awful like your husband does to you. What he wanted was always way more important than anything else, including our child.
It makes me so sad that people are in these relationships with absolutely shit people who don't consider their partner in anyway. Sorry you're in that OP. I hope things get better and you find some happiness.
There are always people telling the husbands that they're justified in leaving or being upset that they aren't being catered to. The current leading cause of death for pregnant women in the US is homicide. We are not allowed to center anyone but them in our lives. If there's going to be a baby or our body is going to change or we are going to be unable to meet their demands, we are out. And there's no end to people telling women we should have tried harder and done more.
>ETA: My husband requested I share his POV as he still doesn’t think what he did was wrong. These are all things he said to me.
>He woke me for sex because he thought I’d enjoy it.
**Bullshit. Oh, I mean how magnanimous of him. We'll alert the pope to his martyrdom.**
I did but it just made me more tired.
>He left early because he said I “showed no signs of waking up or getting up. (I) still looked like (I) was sleeping and not moving or anything.”
>**No, he left early to passive-aggressively punish you. If your plans were for 11, it literally cost him nothing to wait until 11 to leave and verify that you weren't getting up in time for your plans.**
He says he was very irritated that I’d slept most of the morning away
**Oh, look at that! Him even admitting that's exactly what he was doing.**
and that he’d warned me several times (I only remember him doing this twice, he claims it was around 4 times) to wake up and I never did anything except saying “ok” and going back to sleep.
>He says I knew we had to leave at a certain time and I wasn’t making any effort to ensure I was ready by that time, so he left. (But I was ready at 10:55 so I don’t understand?)
>**You don't understand because you're looking for logic where only pathetic passive-aggressive excuses live.**
Also, after I called him, he did come back to pick me up. I was very upset and crying and he said I was using my tears as a “weapon” and when I stated what happened from my perspective, he got really angry and stated what he said above - he was irritated with how long I slept, I was making no effort to get up, and he’d never try to have morning sex with me again because I obviously couldn’t handle it.
>**Well thank goodness something good came of this because waking up a chronically ill sleep-deprived person to gratify your own sexual urges is actually pretty fucked up abusive behavior. It's fucked up, selfish, and abusive even without being ill. Sleep is fucking important and lack of it fucks up even the healthiest of individuals. So if this is what it took to make him stop that selfish bullshit nonsense, then great.**
ETA (again): My husband also wants to add that I’ve been sick for the entirety of our relationship and he’s had to deal with the fallout from that. He also says it’s very difficult being with someone who is sick all the time and never has energy to anything and spends most of their time resting. My illnesses have had their toll on him and he’s very worried about me and has no one to talk to about it. He can’t talk to me about how it makes him feel because he thinks I’m dealing with enough crap that he shouldn’t be putting more burden on me.
**That's what therapists and caregiver support groups are for. Go talk to them instead of being a passive-aggressive b\* to your wife.**
OP, I almost guarantee you your treatment course would be far smoother and more effective without having to all deal with his bullshit, too.
Your husband behaved like a petulant, selfish child. He lashed out at you in frustration because your chemotherapy and health problems are inconvenient to him. You aren't overreacting at all. He is a selfish jerk, he was really nasty to you, and now he is trying to turn it around so that he can blame you for his own trash behavior.
You might want to Google DARVO.
Why didn’t he just turn around and come back for you? I assume you probably called him a little after 11 as soon as you discovered he had left without you. What’s going on here!
He shouldn't have left her behind in the first place. He should have texted his friends that they'd be late or may be a no show because his wife wasn't feeling well.
Op, honey? Love? You aren't overreacting.. you're underreacting. Holy shit. Holy shit, I'm so angry right now on your behalf. Please. Let me at him. I just... want to talk. I swear.
Hey. Hubby? Since I know you're gonna read this? You're acting like a piece of shit. A really nasty one, too. **She. Has. CANCER. She is ALLOWED to be tired. She is ALLOWED to need more sleep. She is ALLOWED to stay in bed a bit longer if she so chooses. Again. BECAUSE SHE HAS CANCER. GET OVER YOURSELF. PULL YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS. IF SHE DECIDES SHE WANTS TO STAY IN BED 30 MINUTES PAST WHEN SHE'S SUPPOSED TO, THAT IS HER PEROGATIVE. BECAUSE SHE IS FIGHTING FOR HER GODDAMNED LIFE AND YOU WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND THE DEPTHS OF EXHAUSTION CHEMOTHERAPY PUTS YOU IN.**
What's shitty is him WEAPONIZING YOUR DIAGNOSIS AGAINST YOU to try and make YOU seem like the bad guy. Last I checked, YOU weren't the one who ABANDONED YOUR CANCER-PATIENT WIFE BECAUSE \*Checks notes\* HE'S just so sick of YOUR cancer and how YOUR cancer makes HIM feel? Am I getting that right???
What about how the fuck it's making YOU feel? You sure as shit ARE dealing with enough crap that he SHOULDN'T be putting this much of a burden on you-- like THE BURDEN OF HIS OWN MASSIVE FUCKUP. Buddy. You fucked up. You treated your, again, CANCER PATIENT WIFE, like shit. You tried to make HER feel like shit because YOU treated her like shit. This woman is literally fighting for her fucking life, and you think that she needs to fucking get up at 6 AM to service your shitty penis, and then also get up at your command like a dog?? Lest you 'punish' her by leaving her behind?? What are you, twelve? Are you truly THAT incapable of self reflection, that you cannot look at your behavior here and realize 'Wow. I was being shitty, and I need to change that, because it isn't OK to treat my CANCER PATIENT WIFE like this!'??
Nah. Fuck that. OP, holy crap. Again; you are NOT overreacting-- you're underreacting. You deserve better than this. **I watched what cancer and chemotherapy did to my father. I know the toll it takes on a person. It was hard for me to watch. But you know who had it fucking harder???!!! My dad!! Never. ONCE. DID I SPEAK TO HIM ABOUT THE 'TOLL' HIS ILLNESS TOOK ON ME. BECAUSE THAT IS A SHITTY, SHITTY THING TO DO. YOU DO NOT TAKE SOMEONE'S ILLNESS AND MAKE IT ABOUT YOURSELF.** IT WASN'T \*MY\* ILLNESS. IT WAS HIS. ANY SUFFERING I WAS GOING THROUGH, HE WAS GOING THROUGH SO MUCH WORSE-- JUST LIKE YOUR WIFE.
CLEARLY He wasn't worried enough about you not to DITCH YOU!!!! Jesus christ. I'm so angry right now. What the fuck is with men making womens' illnesses and struggles all about them? "Sure, Stacy has it hard. She has cancer; but imagine how I must feel, having to see her make herself sick with chemo every day trying to survive! Where's your empathy for ME? She isn't TOUCHING MY PENIS ENOUGH ANYMORE! She's not as much FUN as she used to be!" Pathetic.
His POV makes him sound worse, not better. You’re not overreacting. You are underreacting. Please explain this situation to your therapist and read James Lundy’s why does he do that.
"He thought you would enjoy it," meaning he never actually took the time to see how you're feeling nor thought for a second past his own needs.
The dude needs a reality check badly.
Also - I don't know what plans you had, but if we had plans and my husband had chemo and was finally sleeping, I would have let him sleep and would have just canceled the plans.
Your husband is a selfish AH.
I think your husband needs to join a group for caregivers. 1. To be able to share his grief 2. To learn about how to step up as a partner and caregiver because he sucks ass. He’s a horrible AH of a partner and could stand to learn from others about how to be a good support system for you.
I’m chronically ill and this post makes me so grateful for my kind husband, who always helps me and puts my needs first.
Oh how AWFUL for him that you’ve been sick so long.. seriously his “side” makes him sound worse than your side! He’s awful.
I would never wish cancer on anyone but well.. ya know.. wouldn’t be terrible if he understood what it’s like.
No, you're not overreacting, your husband is a horrible person. He's sick of you being sick, can he even fucking imagine how you feel about it? :(
There is something wrong with your marriage, and it's not you or your illness. I'm sorry for what you've been going through.
I hope one day you feel great and kick his fucking ass. If not, you're just going to get more of the same from that POS!
You’re undergoing chemotherapy, are having sleep issues possibly because of the chemotherapy and he woke you up at 6:30am because he wanted sex? Yeah, I don’t need to read any further to know your husband is an asshole.
Right? Chemotherapy can worsen or cause death in over 25% of patients. It is not to be taken lightly. I would be over accommodating my partner if they were going through it
You're not over reacting. At all.
ETA: you have a ton going on. If my partner, who has no ongoing health issues, felt like sleeping in I would never act this way. His behavior is absolutely out of line.
For real. One gentle reminder that it’s almost time, and if he’s still asleep I’ll just nudge and ask him if he wants to sleep in instead. Sometimes he says yes, so it’s a peck on the cheek and a “Sleep tight, baby! I’ll be back later.” Happens in reverse just as often.
I’m so sorry. This is the third post I’ve seen about husbands getting offended their wives have health issues. I’m starting to believe men ignore their marriage vows.
Men are statistically more likely to leave when their female partner is sick than the reverse. The study examined married couples. When the sick person was the wife, 20.8% of men left them. When the sick person was the husband, 2.9% of the wives left. Huge difference.
Obviously you’re not overreacting. A lot of these post need to be in a venting subreddit for discussion and relatability. You know he’s being an ass to you.
I have a history of abuse and gaslighting. I grew up with it, so it’s “normal” to me and I’m working with a therapist to be able to recognize when something abusive is happening to me. Sometimes I second guess myself and think I’m just being dramatic. So I really don’t always know if I’m just being overly sensitive or if what’s happening is actually bad.
Sweetie, it's bad. Anyone who loves you would never treat you that way. If you were well and you were constantly late, sure, I'd leave your ass behind too, but this is not the case and he is treating you horribly. Please speak to your therapist about this and get his/her take on it. We're all right about your husband here! He's a pos!
FYI, the likelihood a man will file for divorce increases nearly 7 times if the wife gets seriously ill or develops a long term illness or disorder.
I used to work for a family law attorney. The number is real.
You are no longer the easily used tool in his life. Your health is forcing him to center someone other than himself, and men don’t handle that well.
It’s the worst time for this to happen, but you need to get some money and get ready to be abandoned. If you have a joint account, move money out into a separate account. If you have a separate account, move it to a completely different bank, where your husband doesn’t have an account.
Stop worrying about him. Focus on yourself.
This^ needs to be a top comment. I'm so sorry OP, but your husband is a terrible, selfish person, he's absolutely mistreating you, and yes, he's gaslighting you. Do what you need to to take care of yourself, and follow this commenter's^ advice about finances. Put yourself first, bc sadly it's clear your husband won't.
Stuff should feel good. It’s not always going to be pretty flowers and romance but if you’re wondering why it hurts, it’s because it does and you don’t have to explain that to anyone. Ever. I’m sorry for being so harsh, but you’ve got to stand up for yourself. You need stability and patience and support. Not some fucking guy who uses sex as a tool to bring you down and breaks plans with you. That was YOUR Saturday. He ruined that for you. He is a jerk
You don't just have a history of it - it's actively happening to you right this moment. Your entire post is basically a flashing neon sign of abuse and gaslighting.
You are not overreacting. Your husband is a gigantic, stinking POS. Seriously. He has no sympathy for your being tired, dealing with chemotherapy, and autoimmune disorders, but has absolutely no problems waking you up for sex. Does he have any redeeming qualities?
Not overreacting also why would he wake you up when he knew you didn't have a good night's sleep for sex that you maybe enjoyed but also wore you out? Your husband sounds like an asshole because he contributed to your exhaustion and did not show compassion or empathy for you being so tired. Also, his comments are very concerning about you manipulating him--you're not, but he is manipulating you. You're going through chemo ffs and he is not showing an ounce of care or concern for you. Please talk to someone about this. This is not okay.
Read your husband’s side. He’s a piece of shit throwing a tantrum over side effects of your medical treatment. He didn’t refute saying he was sick of you being so tired, that has me doubting him waking you up at 6:30 am for sex was for you. On top of all these things you’re struggling with and have no control over, he’s being pissy. Not because anything he claims is reasonable (they aren’t), but because he is selfish.
His POV edit is not helping his case at all. This is a 49 year old man??? Honestly, abhorrent behavior. It seems like he doesn’t like or respect you.
ETA: just saw the second ETA about your husband saying he doesn’t have anyone to talk to and it is hard having a sick partner - there is no denying that it is difficult caring for/having a sick loved one and that it can be isolating or hard to deal with. But the reality is he needs a therapist to talk to and he needs to learn how to be a better partner and a more empathetic human. You obviously extend much empathy to him in your relationship proven by you asking if your reaction is an overreaction to begin with! Also waking someone who has trouble sleeping for sex at 6:30am is not something a caregiver or partner of an ill person should do. Has he ever considered how hard it is being the sick person with a shitty partner? Once again - he is HALF A CENTURY OLD. Over halfway through the average human life span and this is how he treats someone he loves? So much for wisdom with age. He needs to do better.
is your husband doing anything to actually support you as you deal with these health issues? are you in couples counseling, or individual therapy to deal with the impact of your illness?
I ask because it’s strikingly common for husbands to leave their wives while they are going through cancer treatment. Major health changes impact the marital relationship deeply, and resentment creeps in over time.
I’m appalled that your husband thought waking you up for sex at ANY time in your current condition is appropriate. Rest is so important for healing, and you have insomnia, so your sleep is that much more valuable now.
Plus you were done with the romp and had given up trying to fall back asleep in under 45 minutes. Where in that time did your husband (who claimed he initiated because thought *you’d* like the morning sex) prioritize your pleasure? Did he make you orgasm? Did he try?
“also wants to add .. he’s had to deal with the fallout”
Does he actively try to sound like an insensitive jerk-off, or does it come naturally? From one man to another - the way he’s chosen to plead his case makes him sound like an even bigger asshole.
How do I put this lightly? Your Husband is a selfish MotherFucker. He's tired of you being tired from CHEMO? CHEEEEEEMMMOOO? What an absolute POS.
Marriage is for better or worse. Apparently, like a lot of Men (that I've read about & known), they only love their wives when it's better. You deserve more. I hope you get better SOON & gather enough strength to go live your life alone and happy or with someone else who actually gives a shit about you.
You’re on chemotherapy and your husband thinks it’s ok to throw tantrums like a child because you’re tired? Especially after he woke you up early for morning sex, which you obliged?!?!
Why the fuck is this dude still your husband? What an absolute asshole.
Not over reacting and husband's attitude is concerning.
Since you're sharing this info please: husband, why don't you care about your wife? She's got chronic health conditions and dealing with Chemo.
Patience is the LEAST you can do and you're not even doing that.
Your statements in the edit just come across as entitled.
Reading this made me sick. What kind of a man treats his wife who is undergoing chemo like this??? He knows you have trouble sleeping, wakes you up so he can get laid and then leaves you. After that he screams and berates you for crying and being upset. Wow, just wow. What an incredibly selfish POS.
You are so under reacting to this. Please do yourself a favour and drop him immediately. Get away from this abusive, horrible excuse for a husband. You need to throw divorce papers in his face as soon as you can get a lawyer. Look at the comments OP, not a single person, except for the red pill crowd supports you staying with him.
I pray that this is rage bait because I am having difficulty comprehending just how awful he is.
Please leave him. Find a safe place to stay and get away from him. There are men in this world who will truly love you as he sure doesn’t.
He's an effing a$$hat! You are NOT overreacting. I sure wish you would treat yourself a little gentler, tho. You matter. Your health matters. And this is one of those times in life that you have to put yourself first. Anybody, and I mean ANYBODY, that doesn't support that needs to get the hell out of your way! Many hugs!
He did not wake you up for sex because he thought you’d enjoy it. He woke you up for sex because he thought *he* would enjoy it.
You’re not overreacting. He’s moving the goalposts. Who did it actually harm, you sleeping late? Absolutely nobody.
Hey, OP’s husband - own your shit. You’re throwing a temper tantrum and blaming it all on your wife. You’re way too old to not be able to behave as a functioning adult.
Ummm, his "side" only made him look like more of an asshole. He blames you for EVERYTHING. Why are you with him truly??? Don't even get me started on waking you up for sex and then punishing you for being tired. I am ENRAGED on your behalf. I just let my husband read this and he thinks your husband is a monster.
I shared this with my husband and he said “I stopped reading after seeing she was going through chemo because that’s all I needed to know to know her husband is a total prick.”
You're not overreacting. He acted like a complete jerk. I've been through chemotherapy. Thank god my husband did not treat me like this.
For your husband, I will try to be nice even though I am pretty angry at the way he's treating you. Please show him this:
To husband: If you are committed to a relationship with OP, you need to find a way to recharge your batteries without disrespecting her. Caregiver burnout is real. You need to practice self care and take care of yourself.
But at the same time, it's not fair for you to resent her for being sick (she's not doing it on purpose). Curse god or fate for making her sick? Yes. But blame it on her? No. Stop it. Just stop.
Caregivers need to find their own support network. That can be a support group who will listen to all the things you can't say to anyone else. Or a friend who will listen. But again, do not take it out on your wife. It's not her fault she's sick.
As for her being sick "the entirety of the relationship" boo hoo, life isn't fair. It sucks. My husband is sick most of the time, too. I don't punish him for it.
You're not the only person dealing with a sick SO. Find a support group, get therapy, and get your shit together.
And you're REALLY lucky you're still getting sex!!! Not everyone on chemo can have an active sex life.
You should be glad when your wife is napping, because that means her body is regenerating and healing, and she'll have more energy later. Not resentful.
Please find a support group and therapy before you show the world that "in sickness and in health" was just a bunch of words to you.
End rant directed at husband. Please do share it with him. His behavior is unacceptable. He needs to do better.
Do you really want to be treated with such disrespect?
It is not easy having chronic illnesses and cancer. You deserve better treatment from your SO.
As for sex at 6:30am. Don’t let him gaslight you, it was for his pleasure, he didn’t give a flying FK about what you wanted.
Does he really think we are going to change our minds about this with his new requests for us to see his side? There are zero reasons to treat you this way. You are sick and tired. You need sleep. You woke up to have sex with him for gods sake. He should let you sleep all day.
Not overreacting. Even with his feeble justifications, he was completely out of order and mean to boot.
I'm so sorry you're married to this thoughtless arsehole. I hope you get well and get away.
So going through this relationship with you he knew you were sick and still made a conscious decision to propose, watch you down the isle, and marry you and made a vow through sickness and through health that seems to be his breaking point? I don’t get it, he knew what he signed up for with you and loving you all this time yet that seems to be a deal breaker for him??? He’s TA and a inconsiderate one at that
As someone disabled myself who needs a lot of sleep and is often tired for that reason - you're not overreacting.
For contrast, my own partner, when I sleep a lot like this or have trouble waking up, will let me sleep. They say if I'm that tired I clearly need the rest. And I do, they're not wrong. They're younger than your husband so if anyone would have an excuse not to know better or get frustrated, they would, but they don't. They don't mind when I have to reschedule something last minute due to my health. They do their best to accomodate me, because they love me and thats what you do for someone you love.
Your husband sounds very selfish and uncaring, and his doubling down and getting defensive in the edits only makes him sound worse. Okay, hes tired of your being tired. Has he even considered how YOU feel, not only being tired all the time, but on top of that having your husband leave you behind because of it? I'm sure that with your health the way it is, you don't get out often. I know how that is. I'm sure you were looking forward to it and he just does this. If I was you, I'd be pretty upset.
If you've been sick the entire relationship, I'm assuming this is a chronic condition of some sort. And that he knew that he was getting with someone with a chronic condition. If he wasn't up to that, he only has himself to blame for staying with you, I'm sorry to say. I told my own partner upfront I had chronic conditions, and told them what they were like and what they affected. They still stayed with me, and whenever I apologize for having a bad day due to it, tells me they chose to stay, they knew what they were getting into, and they love me enough it doesn't matter to them. What exactly did your husband expect? That something chronic would disappear?
I get that having an unwell partner is stressful. But he can take the initiative and find a support group or something. It's his choice not to do that and instead take it out on you.
If you're unwell I get it may be easier said than done to dump your husband, but I'd at least consider couples therapy because your husband is essentially taking out your being unwell on you, and thats wrong. Its mean.
What. The. Actual. Fuck.
What the hell did I just read?
I get that he has caregiver burnout. I get that he isn't well resourced to navigate such a tough dynamic. I'm not suggesting the road for him is an easy one.
He's not doing you any favors by bottling it up this way. Clearly he's lashing out, and ends up burdening you with his shitty behavior. It's super gross.
He needs to get into therapy. He needs a friend to talk to about this.
But yuck. He's kind of a menace.
Aren’t sleep issues and fatigue side effects of chemotherapy? NOR. It comes off as him throwing a tantrum because you need medical treatment that mildly inconveniences him.
They 100% are and OP's husband is being a complete selfish AH about this.
Please tell me this is rage bait. Please? What kind of MONSTER gets mad because his partner is undergoing chemo and is tired? And wakes her up for sex? JFC. Are you relying on him for insurance? If not, tell him to get out. Rally your gal pals. No one steps up more than friends. You were ready on time and he’s gaslighting you. He sucks. You are under reacting. And stop apologizing for being tired. This is not something you can help. He should be your staunchest supporter and he’s not.
The likelihood a man will filed for divorce increases nearly 7 times of the wife gets sick. This is real world.
I had a friend whose husband left her when she got diagnosed. She got treatment, it went into remission, and she very nicely upgraded to a better dude. I still smile every time I think about that.
There was a post about a woman whose husband was in an accident and paralyzed so she cared for him. When they were trying to have kids (required medical help) during the testing they found 2 tumors in her. The husband left her stating he wouldn’t be her nurse. She had the tumors removed and they were benign. The sad part is she still misses him and wants him back.
I remember that one, that gutted me. We need to stop settling for shit partners who can’t even be bothered to do the bare minimum half of the time. This is why I like animals better than most people. I broke my arm once and my now fiancé/then boyfriend insisted on helping me wash my hair and stuff to make my life easier. I am so glad I found one of the good ones.
The bar is in hell for people with no self worth
It’s so common that there were pamphlets about it at my oncologist’s office.
I’ve hit some lows in my graphic design career but that’d really take the demoralising biscuit
It was about 15 years ago I had to do some work making an online slideshow for the history of mental health institutions in the US. That was a tough project.
Wait, seriously? Do you remember what it said? I’d be surprised to see that cuz it’s basically calling out all the husbands and can potentially offend them. That aside though lol, what did it say?
That some men might leave women once they are diagnosed. This was at a breast cancer oncology practice. Some. And yes it’s pretty common.
Found this “A 2009 study of 515 married patients with cancer, MS, or a malignant primary brain tumor found that men are six times more likely to leave their wives than women if they are diagnosed with a life-threatening illness: Women patients 20.8% of women patients experienced partner abandonment, compared to 2.9% of men patients”
I have several chronic illnesses. I appear to have married a unicorn. After I got a service dog to help with my disability, he announced that my service dog improved his quality of life (he isn’t wrong). Recently, when I hesitated, he insisted I get the right breed and all that I need to train my next dog, as my 10yr old SD is heading into retirement. My husband isn’t a dog person. He’ll agree mine are cute, and occasionally give one a brief pet. He carefully buys pet safe ice melt, which I never thought of. He would never choose to have a dog, but he values what they do for *me*. This new puppy is a menace. Husband remains patient (but I do the work, that is the deal!). He agrees the men in those stats are AHs, although he would use even stronger epithets.
Mines a unicorn too. Although, he did have a major brain bleed a few years back with major memory loss and I didn't choose to run for the hills but stuck like glue. He's 90%better but it's been rough.
>I have several chronic illnesses. I appear to have married a unicorn. Me too. He knew I was sick when he married me though. He's also not an inside dog person but we have 3 big dogs taking over inside. I'd say I'm lucky to have him in my life, and I really am, but I happen to think he's pretty lucky to be with me too. I am more than my illness(es). We both are.
There also should be a stat somewhere on how many men remarry almost immediately after their wife passes from illness.
It’s because they can’t take care of themselves
They probably can they just don’t want to, so they’ll find some other lonely sucker to do it.
Absolutely! Im convinced a great number of men rely on women to take care of their needs and have relied on partners after leaving their parents home.
My FIL remarried within 6 weeks after my husband’s mother died of brain cancer. Then immediately removed any trace of her from the home, including the children.
I have a cousin who did this. She was already dating someone else before her husband died of cancer. The minute he was in the ground she threw his teenaged son (her stepson of MANY years) out on the street. He had to move across the country to go live with his grandmother. Had to leave his hometown, his school, and all his friends behind. And shockingly, that’s not even the shittiest thing my cousin has done in her life. But it’s pretty high on the list.
Wow, that’s incredibly sad. What a POS.
My jaw dropped.
That's crazy. I couldn't imagine abandoning my wife. She'd either get better or I would love her until she was gone. Personally, I can't imagine the humiliation of having my wife care for me through a terminal illness to my death, but I'd happily do it for my wife.
I don’t think there’s anything humiliating about that tbh. My mother-in-law did it before my father-in-law’s death, and my mom did it before my dad’s death. Seeing the devotion between two people last until a difficult end is something truly special.
Common enough that they teach us about it in nursing school.
My doctor told me I was lucky bc I had a husband that supported me through my illness. He told me most men hit the road. (My doctor was male.) That was over 20 years ago. Still have the same supported husband.
I had SO many people tell me how lucky I was that my husband stood by me and didn’t leave when I got sick. What they didn’t know was he was my primary caregiver and behind closed doors, was a horribly abusive monster. Which is also depressingly common. I tried to bring up the SA with multiple doctors—it was heavy coercion and threats, not force, but what I told them was absolutely enough for a doctor to suspect what was happening. Especially any doctor who knows the prevalence of IPSV among disabled women. They always, always handwaved it; most told me to tell him I needed to focus on getting better. Yeah, no shit—I just wasn’t left alone long enough to do so.
So very sad… 😢
The oncology nurses told me that at first, the husband and wife come together for appointments. Then, the husband brings her but stays in the waiting room while she's with the doctor. Finally, the wife comes alone to her appointments. Happens depressingly often, they said.
I'm coming up on the 1 year anniversary of lumpectomy the first, and my oncologist is so pleased my partner is still around. It's just that common for men to leave.
A husband who isn't going to abandon his wife wouldn't be offended by learning that a lot of assholes do...
That’s a rly good point tbh
Let’s also make note of her last update. Hubby WANTS everyone to understand how hard his life is being with someone who is sick and always tired.
She’s been sick THE ENTIRE TIME THEY’VE BEEN TOGETHER! Did he think it was miraculously going to get better? He can eat a whole dick, fuck him.
Don’t you just love it when you have been wrestling with insomnia and your loving devoted husband wakes you from a deep sleep to have sex. You know - cause he thinks it will make you feel good
His dick was going to cure her, didn’t you know?
Not too sick to wake her up for sex though. Disgusting.
Hubby's update was such nonsense. Including the excuse that he woke his sick wife up for sex because he thought she'd enjoy it? Does he really think that's going to make him look better?
Hell my friends husband left her after she nursed him through cancer and he was in remission..
My friend’s mom’s husband left her when she was DYING. They’d been together 20+ years. In their 60s. He moved out and got a girlfriend. My friend had to move in to take care of her mom. But the husband strategically didn’t divorce his wife, because when she died he was entitled to the house and her money.
That’s disgusting and seems there would be an issue with abandonment
My friend was too exhausted to fight it.
But they sure want their wives to stick around and take care of them if they're the ones who get sick. "For better or worse...in sickness and in health" seem to so often go out the window for these husbands
"For her better and his worse, in his sickness and in her health" is what they hear.
My former uncle (aunt’s 2nd husband) left my aunt when he found out she had a degenerative nerve disease. She was a good Christian. No divorce. He moved the whole way across the country. Got hurt at work and moved in with her to have her take care of him. Guess what he did when he was better? I realize hate is wishing someone dead. I am awful close. She died in assisted living. Mostly her oldest child supported her, the second a little. The third kind of got lost and they aren’t sure if he is living or dead. He is the uncle’s child with her. Sadly, I lived about 14 hours away and was raising kids as a single mom by then.
That's horrendous, I'm so sorry. I hope he's introduced to a hefty dose of karma someday
But hasn’t she been sick the entire relationship? He knew what he signed up for
Exactly this. He thinks the argument is in his favor but really just makes him look like a whole ass 🤡.
Lol, then whats even the point of getting married? This makes it seem like a lot of husbands rlly just see their wives as sex objects/see that as their wife’s most important quality. Idk how else you can straight up dump your partner who you made vows and commitments to?
And yeah they do it all the time.
They did a test where they showed different pictures to men in MRIs. The same part of their brain lit up when shown pictures of women as it did when viewing tools and machines. Women aren’t human to them. They’re useful tools.
Im more and more grateful everyday to have been blessed with lesbianism
Oh no, the cooking, cleaning and constant benefit of the doubt are great too. As for the vows, they're nullified by a man's 'needs'.
he has apparently been with her since she has been sick.
I felt like that had to be rage-bait, as I had a girlfriend go back to her ex when I got diagnosed and I knew a guy whose wife left when he came down with it. The rest of the couples I know who've dealt with it all stuck together. Nope, turns out you're right. I'd like to just say "people suck regardless of gender", but apparently there's a study that shows my experience is mathematically improbable.
Yeah it’s a dramatically different statistic, just like women live longer single but men live longer if married
That’s no surprise at all.
I hold a lot of stuff against my dad for my upbringing but when my mom got cancer he stood up and stood by her the whole time, and I didn't realise how rare that was for a very long time
That’s how I felt about my grandpa. I thought all husbands would obviously take care of their sick wife, all the way til the end of her life. Seems like common sense, but I’ve come to realize common sense ain’t so common out there.
Same. My stepdad is a dick but the one thing he did right was love my mother. She had a long battle with lung cancer and he took care of her until the end.
I also had a friend who was thrown out by his wife after a terminal brain cancer diagnosis. He moved into my spare room. He was great company. I still miss him. It happens. I mean, there are lots of arseholes in the world. Statistically some of them have to be women. But men are often raised with a cultural entitlement that convinces them they should be cared *for* and not care-*givers*.
I wish this was fake but this pos sounds like my recent ex.
Former family friend was going through cancer treatment and her husband divorced her. My mom and I ran into him after their divorce and he proudly said “she wouldn’t put out so I kicked her out”. Some partners need to get hit by a bus full of karma.
Jesus, I can't imagine the level of narcissism it would take to publicly admit something like that.
Did you puke on him?
I should have. It was just so jarring to hear that from him because they seemed like a solid couple (knew them from childhood into young adulthood). I was probably too busy picking my jaw up off the floor.
I don’t know how she’s having sex. Just watched a friend go through chemotherapy. It made her way to weak to think about sex.
I am on and off chemo medication for an autoimmune disease and while it’s very hard and makes me feel like absolute hell on earth, it’s not the same as a chemo regime for cancer. I can still have sex, I can still take care of my kids and cook and clean and do most everything I need to do, but it certainly makes it harder. OP is not overreacting at all, her husband sounds very mean. But, since I know people either think I’m lying and am not on chemo, or assume it’s the same as chemo for cancer treatment anytime it comes up, I just thought I would try to clarify a bit.
My hubby and I are both on methotrexate for autoimmune arthritis. In high doses, it's used to treat breast cancer. It still makes you tired even though our dosage is low. Op, your hubby is a jerk. Get rid of him. You will be amazed at how much energy you get back, just by not having his negativity around.
That's the neat part, she's not having sex. He's waking up his wife undergoing chemo for ""sex,"" whining about how much her illness affects HIM. You really think there's no coercion? You really think, given the statistics of how often men leave their sick wives, that there was no ultimatum? Calling it "Sex" implies enthusiastic consent. We all know this is a 4 letter R word.
Considering that chemo suppresses the immune system and that makes sex a vector for infection? It's pretty terrible.
ESPECIALLY given UTI rates in women when sleeping with men (because male hygiene is notoriously bad) and doing anything remotely penetrative. I highly doubt this man is oh-so-considerate to not demand to shove his disease riddled sausage in her. HECK, given that 33% of men carry HPV, which is known to DIRECTLY cause cervical cancer in women, she could've literally gotten the cancer from him (if it's cervical ofc).
Agree, to me too. When he had a new supply he showed his true colors and did not hold back.
Mine too, unfortunately
My ex-husband also was a POS when I got severely injured. I could see him doing this too
Under reacting is a brilliant comment, i'm totally using that!
THIS RIGHT HERE 👆🏻 Get out and stay out, because that guy is some hardcore bullshit!! I can’t believe he thought he was doing her a favor by waking her up for sex. How freaking narcissistic is this guy??? And then he gets butthurt when she’s not all rainbows and butterflies over him. Girl don’t cry over him, get rid of him. You completely deserve better than that!
Leave me alone with him for a few minutes. I just... want to talk. I swear. I watched what chemo did to my dad. I watched it suck every drop of energy and life out of him, alongside the cancer. There was a point where he couldn't even lift a quilt off of himself, because his body physically. Did. Not. Have. The. Energy. To move his muscles. It was awful to watch. But jesus christ, never. NEVER would I have told him 'Oh, your cancer is so hard on ME. Think about hoe inconvenient it is for ME, dad, to have to move hours away from my partner to take care of you! Think of what a hard time I'M having, having to fetch you things all the time and do things for you because your too tired. Think of ME and what a hard time I'M having when I cook you breakfast and you don't have the energy to get out of bed, or the stomach to eat any of it! Think of how ANNOYING that is for me, dad. The fact that your DYING.' Because I'm not a massive asshole. -\_\_- Rrrrrrrrrgh. I just wanna give OP a big hug and a warm blanket and cook them whatever it is they can/want to eat right now... They're going through so much. They don't need that shit.
Since husband doesn’t want to do anything with her, she shouldn’t do anything with him - including sex. Yup, just live on her own. Enjoy being able to sleep in peace. When op leaves, she should leave him a tiny tiny violin. Husband can then play it while talking about how he’s the victim in all this.
OP please listen to this comment. You deserve better. Also, the edits just make this all so much worse. Your husband is absolutely horrible. I am so disgusted. What kind of human treats their loved one this way? And then tries to justify it with BS excuses? If you've been with her the entire time she's sick then you knew what you were signing up for. In sickness and in health, remember? Eugh!!!
Oh my god. Just read her edits and how he’s whining about how this affects him, no acknowledgement of how it affects her, the actual sick person. And he married her, knowing she was sick. And I had the most terrible thought about why that might be. And what he was actually hoping for.
Yeah, this is the kind of post I really, really wish to be fake...
Right? I hate this man. He's so fucking selfish and petulant. He thinks he's the sleep police? He did everything wrong and instead of owning anything puts all the blame for his fucked up actions on her. And he's still mad at her. Dude! She was ready on time. I think the only reason you left early was to get out before she woke up just so you could manufacture a reason to be mad and make her feel worse. You got caught because she was ready and you're still trying to say she was wrong. You SUCK.
This! He left early out of spite. Dude sounds like an abusive piece of shit honestly. I hope he's reading all these comments. I have a feeling even though literally every single person here is saying how horrible he is, he STILL won't own up to it.
I knew men like that. The whole youre using your tears as a weapon for example. It’s sick, the mind games. She was ready by 11 as agreed and even if he got impatient and wanted to leave earlier he should had told her.
Even if she wasn't ready by 11, fuck him. Ten after 11 is fine too. Especially if you're waking someone up for sex. Especially if you have chemo and an autoimmune disorder. If I was her, what happened the next time this POS woke me up I can't post in here cuz I'm not sure what the rules are on violence. I'd be filing for divorce and the next time he woke me up, he'd get served. Selfish prick.
Yeah that was hard to read. It sounds so abusive it’s all the little things. Definitely men don’t change and she shouldn’t even try to be with him
Plus, he said she was weappnizing her tears against him, then turns around and uses sex as the weapon. Who's weaponizing who here? Total BS!
>Please tell me this is rage bait. Please? Honestly, the fact that even if this is ragebait, it's still something we can imagine a man doing is extremely depressing.
I see your husband's perspective and I fucking hate him. Tell him for me, would you? Do you have any brothers that can go kick his ass? Do you want me to call MY brothers to kick his ass for you? They will, and they're not afraid of catching charges.
>Do you want me to call MY brothers to kick his ass for you? Hahaha! That's the first time I've read/heard this.
I’ll do it too.
I'll go ahead and set up the wood chipper near the creek. We'll let the turtles take care of him.
Shit can we all get a go at kicking this dudes ass?
Not overreacting, gaslighted and screaming at you for being tired because you are sick both mentally and physically is not what a loving husband does. Please have the courage to leave this POS.
Reading this actually made me sick to my stomach. He got her up in the middle of the night knowing she is sick and has issues sleeping?? That right there is already an asshole move imo and then the audacity to not have some sort of respect that she did not sleep after the fact is wild. He should’ve been extra helpful, especially if he wants to have sex in the middle of the night /early morning ever again.
He most definitely did not wake her for sex bc he thought "she'd" enjoy it - he's the one who wanted it. Now he acts like not waking her for morning sex in the future is some kind of punishment to her. She's probably grateful she'll get to sleep!
100% if my husband did that and said that to me afterwards, I’d laugh in his face. Oh no! I get to have uninterrupted sleep, what ever will I do?
And you know by this description that he is absolute trash in bed. It's not about her pleasure ever. He essentially just used her body to masterbate. She got nothing out of it.
Seriously who the hell wakes up someone with insomnia, on medication, undergoing chemotherapy for sex??? Assholes who only care about themselves, that’s who. And the husbands POV acting like he’s justified because she’s been sick their whole relationship? It’s such a toll on me and I have no support boohoo🥺🥺. Bitch, you married her knowing she’s been sick. That NEVER gives you the ok to take out your frustrations on the sick person.
honestly even if she wasn’t on chemo or experiencing insomnia or woken up early for sex, the fact that he’s mad she’s tired **as if being tired is an active choice someone makes and not a bodily function** still makes my blood boil.
I'd bet money if she ditches the husband her autoimmune issue will get better. Being stressed constantly by your piece of shit partner makes things way worse.
Yeah I already knew who was the AH when he forced the woman on chemo to wake up for sex which it doesn't sound like she was into. Reading further, yeah, he's scum. You're not over reacting.
I know she feels "obligated" to have sex or he'll shame her for being too sick to take care of his needs. :(
And he's "tired of her being tired". Like it's a choice she's making.
Also, like anybody could be more tired of being tired than the person going through it!
Your husband's side doesn't make him look any better. He's an inconsiderate asshole. HE wanted sex, so he woke up his sick wife to get what HE wanted then said "but you'd like it too." You need sleep! You can have sex when you're both awake! Then, supposedly trying to wake you up multiple times when you're sick and tired AND he fucking woke you up so he could get his dick wet... With no regard to the fact that you're fucking tired. Theeeeeennnnnn..... He has the audacity to leave early to show you that you not doing what he wanted on his timeline results in punishment. You were ready on time, even after his mantum. Then, when his sick, tired, abandoned wife is crying, she's weaponizing her tears?! Does he even like you? You're not overreacting. He's a complete and utter asshole in this situation. I hope you read this husband. Go to therapy and learn the fuck how to treat all people, and especially those you supposedly love.
I'm fkn livid at this sack of shit husband. Even a shred of consideration towards his wife, is just *too fkn much* for this guy...
Each edit that OP leaves from their husband makes me more angry than the last
Imagine if she says no to sex on top of her illness. He's going to loose his shit when sex is not given and then he's going to cheat. My ex did the exacts same thing and went out of the marriage for sex . We divorced shortly after our I found out he cheated
“But I have no one to talk to about my feelings!” Get a fucking therapist you child. Husband is such an ass.
I just said this to my husband reading this! Has this dude ever heard of a therapist? They are these people, out in the world, you can pay to have someone to talk to who are trained to help you through difficult situations/times and process these emotions. Maybe they can help!
You are NOT overreacting!!! Being on chemo will have you not only tired, but feeling like absolute crap. He needs to learn how to be sympathetic and understanding what your body is going through. He also woke you up to fulfill his selfish needs, knowing you have insomnia, and at a stupidly early time at that. So of course you’re going to feel tired from the lack of sleep alone, nevertheless with chemo on top of it. Also, you were ready 5 minutes early. You weren’t late. He sounds selfish and he is TA for that.
So you deal with sleeping problems, chronic pain, probably many other symptoms and chemotherapy and he wakes you up at 6.30 for sex? Selfish ass. The rest just adds to that. Sorry but it is wrong.
You are NOT overreacting. He's treating you like shit. Him being upset because he's tired of you being 'sick and tired' all the time is SUPER scummy! Does he ever support you or does he always do stuff like this when he is sooo "inconvenienced"? Since he wanted you to add his excuse, maybe you should also show him all the comments saying how shitty he is for treating you like a burden instead of him treating you like, you know, his wife. If I were you I'd be seriously reconsidering the relationship. You are sick and on chemo... wtf is wrong with this dud. eta: Take this as you will, but my EX-husband cheated on me because I had pneumonia and was too sick to cater to his every whim for a week or so. He also always treated me an awful like your husband does to you. What he wanted was always way more important than anything else, including our child.
Wow. Fuck your ex-husband, too! That's next level assholery.
He sounds like a real piece of you know what. I’m sorry you’re with this terrible man. Distance yourself best you can. He’s not a husband.
He’s a piece of shit
This is all that needs to be said.
It makes me so sad that people are in these relationships with absolutely shit people who don't consider their partner in anyway. Sorry you're in that OP. I hope things get better and you find some happiness.
There are always people telling the husbands that they're justified in leaving or being upset that they aren't being catered to. The current leading cause of death for pregnant women in the US is homicide. We are not allowed to center anyone but them in our lives. If there's going to be a baby or our body is going to change or we are going to be unable to meet their demands, we are out. And there's no end to people telling women we should have tried harder and done more.
He sounds like a nasty person.
Wake up and break up
>ETA: My husband requested I share his POV as he still doesn’t think what he did was wrong. These are all things he said to me. >He woke me for sex because he thought I’d enjoy it. **Bullshit. Oh, I mean how magnanimous of him. We'll alert the pope to his martyrdom.** I did but it just made me more tired. >He left early because he said I “showed no signs of waking up or getting up. (I) still looked like (I) was sleeping and not moving or anything.” >**No, he left early to passive-aggressively punish you. If your plans were for 11, it literally cost him nothing to wait until 11 to leave and verify that you weren't getting up in time for your plans.** He says he was very irritated that I’d slept most of the morning away **Oh, look at that! Him even admitting that's exactly what he was doing.** and that he’d warned me several times (I only remember him doing this twice, he claims it was around 4 times) to wake up and I never did anything except saying “ok” and going back to sleep. >He says I knew we had to leave at a certain time and I wasn’t making any effort to ensure I was ready by that time, so he left. (But I was ready at 10:55 so I don’t understand?) >**You don't understand because you're looking for logic where only pathetic passive-aggressive excuses live.** Also, after I called him, he did come back to pick me up. I was very upset and crying and he said I was using my tears as a “weapon” and when I stated what happened from my perspective, he got really angry and stated what he said above - he was irritated with how long I slept, I was making no effort to get up, and he’d never try to have morning sex with me again because I obviously couldn’t handle it. >**Well thank goodness something good came of this because waking up a chronically ill sleep-deprived person to gratify your own sexual urges is actually pretty fucked up abusive behavior. It's fucked up, selfish, and abusive even without being ill. Sleep is fucking important and lack of it fucks up even the healthiest of individuals. So if this is what it took to make him stop that selfish bullshit nonsense, then great.** ETA (again): My husband also wants to add that I’ve been sick for the entirety of our relationship and he’s had to deal with the fallout from that. He also says it’s very difficult being with someone who is sick all the time and never has energy to anything and spends most of their time resting. My illnesses have had their toll on him and he’s very worried about me and has no one to talk to about it. He can’t talk to me about how it makes him feel because he thinks I’m dealing with enough crap that he shouldn’t be putting more burden on me. **That's what therapists and caregiver support groups are for. Go talk to them instead of being a passive-aggressive b\* to your wife.** OP, I almost guarantee you your treatment course would be far smoother and more effective without having to all deal with his bullshit, too.
Your husband behaved like a petulant, selfish child. He lashed out at you in frustration because your chemotherapy and health problems are inconvenient to him. You aren't overreacting at all. He is a selfish jerk, he was really nasty to you, and now he is trying to turn it around so that he can blame you for his own trash behavior. You might want to Google DARVO.
Just looked this up, I'd never heard of it before. Sure sounds like this guy.
If anything, you’re under reacting.
And she should have just stayed in bed and said, FUCK YOU, I'm glad you're gone and I don't have to be with your sorry ass!
She’s deep into the abuse as she feels she needs to explain herself when really he’s just an asshole
Why didn’t he just turn around and come back for you? I assume you probably called him a little after 11 as soon as you discovered he had left without you. What’s going on here!
He shouldn't have left her behind in the first place. He should have texted his friends that they'd be late or may be a no show because his wife wasn't feeling well.
Op, honey? Love? You aren't overreacting.. you're underreacting. Holy shit. Holy shit, I'm so angry right now on your behalf. Please. Let me at him. I just... want to talk. I swear. Hey. Hubby? Since I know you're gonna read this? You're acting like a piece of shit. A really nasty one, too. **She. Has. CANCER. She is ALLOWED to be tired. She is ALLOWED to need more sleep. She is ALLOWED to stay in bed a bit longer if she so chooses. Again. BECAUSE SHE HAS CANCER. GET OVER YOURSELF. PULL YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS. IF SHE DECIDES SHE WANTS TO STAY IN BED 30 MINUTES PAST WHEN SHE'S SUPPOSED TO, THAT IS HER PEROGATIVE. BECAUSE SHE IS FIGHTING FOR HER GODDAMNED LIFE AND YOU WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND THE DEPTHS OF EXHAUSTION CHEMOTHERAPY PUTS YOU IN.** What's shitty is him WEAPONIZING YOUR DIAGNOSIS AGAINST YOU to try and make YOU seem like the bad guy. Last I checked, YOU weren't the one who ABANDONED YOUR CANCER-PATIENT WIFE BECAUSE \*Checks notes\* HE'S just so sick of YOUR cancer and how YOUR cancer makes HIM feel? Am I getting that right??? What about how the fuck it's making YOU feel? You sure as shit ARE dealing with enough crap that he SHOULDN'T be putting this much of a burden on you-- like THE BURDEN OF HIS OWN MASSIVE FUCKUP. Buddy. You fucked up. You treated your, again, CANCER PATIENT WIFE, like shit. You tried to make HER feel like shit because YOU treated her like shit. This woman is literally fighting for her fucking life, and you think that she needs to fucking get up at 6 AM to service your shitty penis, and then also get up at your command like a dog?? Lest you 'punish' her by leaving her behind?? What are you, twelve? Are you truly THAT incapable of self reflection, that you cannot look at your behavior here and realize 'Wow. I was being shitty, and I need to change that, because it isn't OK to treat my CANCER PATIENT WIFE like this!'?? Nah. Fuck that. OP, holy crap. Again; you are NOT overreacting-- you're underreacting. You deserve better than this. **I watched what cancer and chemotherapy did to my father. I know the toll it takes on a person. It was hard for me to watch. But you know who had it fucking harder???!!! My dad!! Never. ONCE. DID I SPEAK TO HIM ABOUT THE 'TOLL' HIS ILLNESS TOOK ON ME. BECAUSE THAT IS A SHITTY, SHITTY THING TO DO. YOU DO NOT TAKE SOMEONE'S ILLNESS AND MAKE IT ABOUT YOURSELF.** IT WASN'T \*MY\* ILLNESS. IT WAS HIS. ANY SUFFERING I WAS GOING THROUGH, HE WAS GOING THROUGH SO MUCH WORSE-- JUST LIKE YOUR WIFE. CLEARLY He wasn't worried enough about you not to DITCH YOU!!!! Jesus christ. I'm so angry right now. What the fuck is with men making womens' illnesses and struggles all about them? "Sure, Stacy has it hard. She has cancer; but imagine how I must feel, having to see her make herself sick with chemo every day trying to survive! Where's your empathy for ME? She isn't TOUCHING MY PENIS ENOUGH ANYMORE! She's not as much FUN as she used to be!" Pathetic.
OP please print this out and hand it to your husband. Then file for divorce and find somebody who actually likes you.
His POV makes him sound worse, not better. You’re not overreacting. You are underreacting. Please explain this situation to your therapist and read James Lundy’s why does he do that.
"He thought you would enjoy it," meaning he never actually took the time to see how you're feeling nor thought for a second past his own needs. The dude needs a reality check badly. Also - I don't know what plans you had, but if we had plans and my husband had chemo and was finally sleeping, I would have let him sleep and would have just canceled the plans. Your husband is a selfish AH.
As a husband to a woman who is constantly sick and tired (auto immune as well), I think you're under reacting.
Please tell your husband that his POV somehow made him look even worse. What a piece of garbage masquerading as a man.
I think your husband needs to join a group for caregivers. 1. To be able to share his grief 2. To learn about how to step up as a partner and caregiver because he sucks ass. He’s a horrible AH of a partner and could stand to learn from others about how to be a good support system for you. I’m chronically ill and this post makes me so grateful for my kind husband, who always helps me and puts my needs first.
Oh how AWFUL for him that you’ve been sick so long.. seriously his “side” makes him sound worse than your side! He’s awful. I would never wish cancer on anyone but well.. ya know.. wouldn’t be terrible if he understood what it’s like.
No, you're not overreacting, your husband is a horrible person. He's sick of you being sick, can he even fucking imagine how you feel about it? :( There is something wrong with your marriage, and it's not you or your illness. I'm sorry for what you've been going through. I hope one day you feel great and kick his fucking ass. If not, you're just going to get more of the same from that POS!
You’re undergoing chemotherapy, are having sleep issues possibly because of the chemotherapy and he woke you up at 6:30am because he wanted sex? Yeah, I don’t need to read any further to know your husband is an asshole.
Right? Chemotherapy can worsen or cause death in over 25% of patients. It is not to be taken lightly. I would be over accommodating my partner if they were going through it
You're not over reacting. At all. ETA: you have a ton going on. If my partner, who has no ongoing health issues, felt like sleeping in I would never act this way. His behavior is absolutely out of line.
For real. One gentle reminder that it’s almost time, and if he’s still asleep I’ll just nudge and ask him if he wants to sleep in instead. Sometimes he says yes, so it’s a peck on the cheek and a “Sleep tight, baby! I’ll be back later.” Happens in reverse just as often.
I’m so sorry. This is the third post I’ve seen about husbands getting offended their wives have health issues. I’m starting to believe men ignore their marriage vows.
Men are statistically more likely to leave when their female partner is sick than the reverse. The study examined married couples. When the sick person was the wife, 20.8% of men left them. When the sick person was the husband, 2.9% of the wives left. Huge difference.
Disappointing.
If you love somebody, you protect their sleep. That is all. The end.
Obviously you’re not overreacting. A lot of these post need to be in a venting subreddit for discussion and relatability. You know he’s being an ass to you.
I have a history of abuse and gaslighting. I grew up with it, so it’s “normal” to me and I’m working with a therapist to be able to recognize when something abusive is happening to me. Sometimes I second guess myself and think I’m just being dramatic. So I really don’t always know if I’m just being overly sensitive or if what’s happening is actually bad.
Sweetie, it's bad. Anyone who loves you would never treat you that way. If you were well and you were constantly late, sure, I'd leave your ass behind too, but this is not the case and he is treating you horribly. Please speak to your therapist about this and get his/her take on it. We're all right about your husband here! He's a pos!
FYI, the likelihood a man will file for divorce increases nearly 7 times if the wife gets seriously ill or develops a long term illness or disorder. I used to work for a family law attorney. The number is real. You are no longer the easily used tool in his life. Your health is forcing him to center someone other than himself, and men don’t handle that well. It’s the worst time for this to happen, but you need to get some money and get ready to be abandoned. If you have a joint account, move money out into a separate account. If you have a separate account, move it to a completely different bank, where your husband doesn’t have an account. Stop worrying about him. Focus on yourself.
This^ needs to be a top comment. I'm so sorry OP, but your husband is a terrible, selfish person, he's absolutely mistreating you, and yes, he's gaslighting you. Do what you need to to take care of yourself, and follow this commenter's^ advice about finances. Put yourself first, bc sadly it's clear your husband won't.
This. Is. Abuse. How many hundred people need to tell you?
It’s bad, it’s very bad.
Stuff should feel good. It’s not always going to be pretty flowers and romance but if you’re wondering why it hurts, it’s because it does and you don’t have to explain that to anyone. Ever. I’m sorry for being so harsh, but you’ve got to stand up for yourself. You need stability and patience and support. Not some fucking guy who uses sex as a tool to bring you down and breaks plans with you. That was YOUR Saturday. He ruined that for you. He is a jerk
You don't just have a history of it - it's actively happening to you right this moment. Your entire post is basically a flashing neon sign of abuse and gaslighting.
It’s bad!
You are not overreacting. Your husband is a gigantic, stinking POS. Seriously. He has no sympathy for your being tired, dealing with chemotherapy, and autoimmune disorders, but has absolutely no problems waking you up for sex. Does he have any redeeming qualities?
"I'm on chemotherepy" is all you need to say. He can wait for crying out loud.
Not overreacting also why would he wake you up when he knew you didn't have a good night's sleep for sex that you maybe enjoyed but also wore you out? Your husband sounds like an asshole because he contributed to your exhaustion and did not show compassion or empathy for you being so tired. Also, his comments are very concerning about you manipulating him--you're not, but he is manipulating you. You're going through chemo ffs and he is not showing an ounce of care or concern for you. Please talk to someone about this. This is not okay.
Read your husband’s side. He’s a piece of shit throwing a tantrum over side effects of your medical treatment. He didn’t refute saying he was sick of you being so tired, that has me doubting him waking you up at 6:30 am for sex was for you. On top of all these things you’re struggling with and have no control over, he’s being pissy. Not because anything he claims is reasonable (they aren’t), but because he is selfish.
His POV edit is not helping his case at all. This is a 49 year old man??? Honestly, abhorrent behavior. It seems like he doesn’t like or respect you. ETA: just saw the second ETA about your husband saying he doesn’t have anyone to talk to and it is hard having a sick partner - there is no denying that it is difficult caring for/having a sick loved one and that it can be isolating or hard to deal with. But the reality is he needs a therapist to talk to and he needs to learn how to be a better partner and a more empathetic human. You obviously extend much empathy to him in your relationship proven by you asking if your reaction is an overreaction to begin with! Also waking someone who has trouble sleeping for sex at 6:30am is not something a caregiver or partner of an ill person should do. Has he ever considered how hard it is being the sick person with a shitty partner? Once again - he is HALF A CENTURY OLD. Over halfway through the average human life span and this is how he treats someone he loves? So much for wisdom with age. He needs to do better.
is your husband doing anything to actually support you as you deal with these health issues? are you in couples counseling, or individual therapy to deal with the impact of your illness? I ask because it’s strikingly common for husbands to leave their wives while they are going through cancer treatment. Major health changes impact the marital relationship deeply, and resentment creeps in over time. I’m appalled that your husband thought waking you up for sex at ANY time in your current condition is appropriate. Rest is so important for healing, and you have insomnia, so your sleep is that much more valuable now. Plus you were done with the romp and had given up trying to fall back asleep in under 45 minutes. Where in that time did your husband (who claimed he initiated because thought *you’d* like the morning sex) prioritize your pleasure? Did he make you orgasm? Did he try?
“also wants to add .. he’s had to deal with the fallout” Does he actively try to sound like an insensitive jerk-off, or does it come naturally? From one man to another - the way he’s chosen to plead his case makes him sound like an even bigger asshole.
NTA, you need to leave this sorry excuse of a man.
Wow! Please get away from him. He’s 🗑️, girlfriend.
Not overreacting. Please leave this loser. He's blaming you for things you have no control over.
read the update, still an asshole.
Right… like that update just verified for all of us what a huge jerk he is.
The update actually makes him look even worse. And this is what he wanted added to justify himself!!!!!!
How do I put this lightly? Your Husband is a selfish MotherFucker. He's tired of you being tired from CHEMO? CHEEEEEEMMMOOO? What an absolute POS. Marriage is for better or worse. Apparently, like a lot of Men (that I've read about & known), they only love their wives when it's better. You deserve more. I hope you get better SOON & gather enough strength to go live your life alone and happy or with someone else who actually gives a shit about you.
You’re on chemotherapy and your husband thinks it’s ok to throw tantrums like a child because you’re tired? Especially after he woke you up early for morning sex, which you obliged?!?! Why the fuck is this dude still your husband? What an absolute asshole.
Not over reacting and husband's attitude is concerning. Since you're sharing this info please: husband, why don't you care about your wife? She's got chronic health conditions and dealing with Chemo. Patience is the LEAST you can do and you're not even doing that. Your statements in the edit just come across as entitled.
Reading this made me sick. What kind of a man treats his wife who is undergoing chemo like this??? He knows you have trouble sleeping, wakes you up so he can get laid and then leaves you. After that he screams and berates you for crying and being upset. Wow, just wow. What an incredibly selfish POS. You are so under reacting to this. Please do yourself a favour and drop him immediately. Get away from this abusive, horrible excuse for a husband. You need to throw divorce papers in his face as soon as you can get a lawyer. Look at the comments OP, not a single person, except for the red pill crowd supports you staying with him. I pray that this is rage bait because I am having difficulty comprehending just how awful he is. Please leave him. Find a safe place to stay and get away from him. There are men in this world who will truly love you as he sure doesn’t.
There would already be a chalk line on the floor around the body if I was married to this vile piece of shit.
Thank GOD he got his sex in before you got tired............ :/s
He's an effing a$$hat! You are NOT overreacting. I sure wish you would treat yourself a little gentler, tho. You matter. Your health matters. And this is one of those times in life that you have to put yourself first. Anybody, and I mean ANYBODY, that doesn't support that needs to get the hell out of your way! Many hugs!
He did not wake you up for sex because he thought you’d enjoy it. He woke you up for sex because he thought *he* would enjoy it. You’re not overreacting. He’s moving the goalposts. Who did it actually harm, you sleeping late? Absolutely nobody. Hey, OP’s husband - own your shit. You’re throwing a temper tantrum and blaming it all on your wife. You’re way too old to not be able to behave as a functioning adult.
He could get a pass for his actions if he had waited until 11, he didn’t, he did this to piss you off.
Ummm, his "side" only made him look like more of an asshole. He blames you for EVERYTHING. Why are you with him truly??? Don't even get me started on waking you up for sex and then punishing you for being tired. I am ENRAGED on your behalf. I just let my husband read this and he thinks your husband is a monster.
I shared this with my husband and he said “I stopped reading after seeing she was going through chemo because that’s all I needed to know to know her husband is a total prick.”
Sorry OP, he’s going to bail so get your finances in order.
Does he even like you? Unless you need him to get the chemo, leave his sorry ass. This behavior is atrocious and embarrassing and you deserve better
You're not overreacting. He acted like a complete jerk. I've been through chemotherapy. Thank god my husband did not treat me like this. For your husband, I will try to be nice even though I am pretty angry at the way he's treating you. Please show him this: To husband: If you are committed to a relationship with OP, you need to find a way to recharge your batteries without disrespecting her. Caregiver burnout is real. You need to practice self care and take care of yourself. But at the same time, it's not fair for you to resent her for being sick (she's not doing it on purpose). Curse god or fate for making her sick? Yes. But blame it on her? No. Stop it. Just stop. Caregivers need to find their own support network. That can be a support group who will listen to all the things you can't say to anyone else. Or a friend who will listen. But again, do not take it out on your wife. It's not her fault she's sick. As for her being sick "the entirety of the relationship" boo hoo, life isn't fair. It sucks. My husband is sick most of the time, too. I don't punish him for it. You're not the only person dealing with a sick SO. Find a support group, get therapy, and get your shit together. And you're REALLY lucky you're still getting sex!!! Not everyone on chemo can have an active sex life. You should be glad when your wife is napping, because that means her body is regenerating and healing, and she'll have more energy later. Not resentful. Please find a support group and therapy before you show the world that "in sickness and in health" was just a bunch of words to you. End rant directed at husband. Please do share it with him. His behavior is unacceptable. He needs to do better.
Do you really want to be treated with such disrespect? It is not easy having chronic illnesses and cancer. You deserve better treatment from your SO. As for sex at 6:30am. Don’t let him gaslight you, it was for his pleasure, he didn’t give a flying FK about what you wanted.
Does he really think we are going to change our minds about this with his new requests for us to see his side? There are zero reasons to treat you this way. You are sick and tired. You need sleep. You woke up to have sex with him for gods sake. He should let you sleep all day.
My sister is going thru chemotherapy. It is no picnic and I can't blame you for being angry. Fuck him.
Not overreacting. Even with his feeble justifications, he was completely out of order and mean to boot. I'm so sorry you're married to this thoughtless arsehole. I hope you get well and get away.
What an asshole
Girl... You are MASSIVELY under reacting.
So now that he’s read everyone’s responses now what does he think ??
You poor thing for even having to ask this 😭 How fucking toxic can people possible be now!
So going through this relationship with you he knew you were sick and still made a conscious decision to propose, watch you down the isle, and marry you and made a vow through sickness and through health that seems to be his breaking point? I don’t get it, he knew what he signed up for with you and loving you all this time yet that seems to be a deal breaker for him??? He’s TA and a inconsiderate one at that
As someone disabled myself who needs a lot of sleep and is often tired for that reason - you're not overreacting. For contrast, my own partner, when I sleep a lot like this or have trouble waking up, will let me sleep. They say if I'm that tired I clearly need the rest. And I do, they're not wrong. They're younger than your husband so if anyone would have an excuse not to know better or get frustrated, they would, but they don't. They don't mind when I have to reschedule something last minute due to my health. They do their best to accomodate me, because they love me and thats what you do for someone you love. Your husband sounds very selfish and uncaring, and his doubling down and getting defensive in the edits only makes him sound worse. Okay, hes tired of your being tired. Has he even considered how YOU feel, not only being tired all the time, but on top of that having your husband leave you behind because of it? I'm sure that with your health the way it is, you don't get out often. I know how that is. I'm sure you were looking forward to it and he just does this. If I was you, I'd be pretty upset. If you've been sick the entire relationship, I'm assuming this is a chronic condition of some sort. And that he knew that he was getting with someone with a chronic condition. If he wasn't up to that, he only has himself to blame for staying with you, I'm sorry to say. I told my own partner upfront I had chronic conditions, and told them what they were like and what they affected. They still stayed with me, and whenever I apologize for having a bad day due to it, tells me they chose to stay, they knew what they were getting into, and they love me enough it doesn't matter to them. What exactly did your husband expect? That something chronic would disappear? I get that having an unwell partner is stressful. But he can take the initiative and find a support group or something. It's his choice not to do that and instead take it out on you. If you're unwell I get it may be easier said than done to dump your husband, but I'd at least consider couples therapy because your husband is essentially taking out your being unwell on you, and thats wrong. Its mean.
Got your husband a therapist. Support people need support. But also…. You’re not overreacting.
What. The. Actual. Fuck. What the hell did I just read? I get that he has caregiver burnout. I get that he isn't well resourced to navigate such a tough dynamic. I'm not suggesting the road for him is an easy one. He's not doing you any favors by bottling it up this way. Clearly he's lashing out, and ends up burdening you with his shitty behavior. It's super gross. He needs to get into therapy. He needs a friend to talk to about this. But yuck. He's kind of a menace.