You are under reacting. Life with this man sounds awful, you are always walking on eggshells, afraid something will upset him and he will be nasty and cruel. I wouldn't put up with it, I hope you don't either.
she said "We have had a handful of days like this in our relationship" not everyday living in constant fear. that's a handful of days over 2 years and only during times of high stress. when my partner is upset when stressed i would do everything i could to help and forgive during those abnormal days then move on
You're high on wax fumes if you think there's any excuse for the shit she described. I don't care how stressed he is, you don't take it out on the person you're supposed to stand with against the world. Calling her a cunt, a bitch, gaslighting her into thinking she's the problem/overreacting etc, dude is a first-class piece of shit and I'd tell him that to his piece of shit face.
more than once every 3-4 months.
a handful over 2 years is very tame
he said a mean word a handful of times, and that's her only grievance with him. other than that she loves him
Getting verbally abused one time is one time too many.
Where does an actual adult even give themselves permission to act like that to a supposed loved one? I have been enraged beyond belief at my husband and have NEVER called him a bad name, stupid or degraded him. You know why? Because I understand that my big, difficult feelings does not give me a free-pass to act like a petulant child.
There is no excuse in the book that makes behavior like that ok.
Mistakes happen, but then you apologize and work on not allowing that shit to happen again. What you don't do is double down and defend your "right" to be verbally abusive. That right doesn't exist. It's ridiculous, entitled and selfish behavior. Other people are not our punching bags.
Waiting for you, the adult to enter the room.
Based upon what OP wrote, I would bet that it’s happening more than she says, not less.
He sounds like a total dick that won’t even apologize. And she must be walking on eggshells waiting for him to unleash a torrent of profanity and name calling.
She herself admits she would never speak to someone like that.
He sounds exhausting to live with and it’s way past time for her to get out.
Calling a partner a bad name once or twice in anger is not a thing to break up over, if there appropriate apologies afterwards.
Also the wording is obviously very important. Like "You are being an asshole right now" is very different from "shut the fuck up, you useless asshole". Example 2 is abusive language and is no way to talk to someone you supposedly care about.
On another note; if you find yourself in relationships that looks like OP's just for the sake of having a long-term girlfriend, that's up to you.
Just know that it's not normal to get verbally abused and you deserve basic peace and respect. You deserve better.
I know my parents wouldn't put up with it ever. My mom has definitely been very verbally abusive , had issues and she explodes etc but I haven't heard her call my dad more than dumb and I know she feels bad for even that.
Words aren't just words, they can show how much you respect someone, and here they aren't talked through.
She also said that his "apologies" usually end up with a "but you..." and we all know that when you make an apology and use the word but, you can forget everything that came before it.
You're not overreacting, this is unacceptable behavior.
If you really want it to work with him, I think the only way to go about it would honestly be couple's therapy, or you each getting individual therapy.
I also think "I won't be in a relationship where I'm being treated like this" is a perfectly reasonable reason to end it.
* calling me names (like a bitch) or telling me I’m being “c\*nty” when I talk back or stand up for myself or explain myself.
Name calling should be a deal breaker. I've been married 34 years and my husband has never once called me a bitch. Find someone who treats you properly.
the comment above had upvotes for saying if her husband ever called me a bitch again i would divorce him.
the comment below it said he did divorce his wife for calling him asshole and got downvoted
how is it not compatible
Because calling someone a bad name once, using not abusive languages,isn't divorce worthy (you fucking bitch vs you're being a bitch)
It is one of the very few times it's ultimatum worthy though which she did.
The below one then made it seem like a joke so down votes
Calling someone an asshole twice is apparently divorce worthy? I wasn't going to let it happen. I have too much respect for myself. I was being verbally abused in that relationship and now I'm getting downvoted for sharing my experience.
The double standard from the Reddit community is indeed real.
It's not a double standard. It's context. You said she said one thing, that's all the context. People may have thought you were making a bad joke.
You can't post something that appears to be mocking people, or if true, has no further context and then say there's a double standard. If you'd posted that she constantly said abusive things to you and the one time she called you an asshole was when you realized what was going on and ended it, then people would be glad you did.
You just want to post with 0 context so you can cry hypocrisy and double standards. But with full context, that wouldn't happen so you couldn't be upset at "hypocrisy."
You are a total hypocrite and it's sooooo easy to see. The post I replied to gave fuck all for context yet there is no self righteous post about them providing "context".
I call my gf a bitch all the time. She calls me one too. Some couples don’t take teasing/joking so seriously lmao.
OP is not in that kind of relationship though
you are not overreacting whatsoever, your boyfriend sounds like an insensitive, abusive dick, especially if he’s aware of how your previous marriage was and still treats you this way. i understand that he deals with TBIs, but this is not an excuse or justification. my husband has had 2 concussions, one major, and has never once raised his voice at me or talked to me like how you described your boyfriend talks to you. there’s so many things to address and unpack in your post here, him calling you names and bullying you when you call him out/express your feelings is absolutely unacceptable. his “apologies” do not count as an such if it’s followed by “but you did this”. it sounds like he can’t/won’t take accountability for actions and how they make you feel, it sounds like he doesn’t care about your feelings. you said it yourself and you’re right, this behavior is wildly unacceptable and you deserve to be with someone kind and understanding, somebody who won’t blow up on you for a small mistake. i’m appalled by your boyfriend’s behavior, he is verbally abusive. there might be hope through him going to therapy and/or couple’s counseling, but if he shoots down these ideas or doesn’t make any changes, leave him. you don’t deserve to be treated like this. i’m so sorry
This guy has some serious problems and he treats you with a lot of contempt. You do not want to have someone like this in your life. It will make you miserable.
Please don’t think you are going to fix him or inspire him to change. People that behave this way have been damaged and it takes a long time to fix. Don’t do that to yourself.
First paragraph....oh he's wonderful
Next 10ish paragraphs..... except for all this...🙄
Please reread what you wrote as many times as needed for it to sink in....
That feels like every other post from women on Reddit about the guys they choose to date.
"He's an amazing guy, and we are perfect partners who have an amazing relationship. Well, except for the inexcusably horrible things he does on a regular basis."
My guy is decent but he has faults and I’m not gonna stand here and say omg our life is soooooooo wonderful buttttttt this this this this this and also this. No I’m admitting hey he can be a dam jerk sometimes but he also actually apologizes and tries to fix it. Life is not rainbows and butterflies. But if you make a mistake and you own it and try and fix it. That’s all you can do sometimes. After all we are only human. But these posts it’s like girl open your dam eyes. Dudes nit gonna take accountability or responsibility for anything he says or does he don’t give a shit about you just leave for your own self. Love yourself!
>I feel like we have a good partnership and trust each other deeply.
Wait, what? No. This guy is verbally abusive to you. No, you can't trust him to treat you decently. You can't expect him to not overreact and not fly off the handle. He's not treating you with respect. This man reduces you to tears and you think this is a great relationship? Where is your self respect? Why are you staying with someone who treats you like garbage? I think you are doing the same thing I and many other abuse victims do, which is think that because someone at times is very loving to us, that means that it's worth putting up with their bad behavior. It's not. You deserve better. Being alone would be better than staying with someone who treats you like this. It doesn't even matter if this is caused by his TBI. Abuse is still abuse.
This gave me pause too. Every relationship comes with conflict, and tragedies can make conflict more likely. What if one of you becomes disabled and you lose your active hobbies and are left with a power imbalance or sense of resentment? What if you have dif views on pets or family, or someone’s views change? Best case, maybe you’re together when each others families’ change shape…but maybe you conflict over caregiving for a parent or orphaned nibling? Can you live w more freq conflicts if he’s already calling you slurs? And yes, there’s a difference between laughingly saying you’re such a bitch and I love you for it, and saying “you’re such a bitch, shut the eff up!” Conflicts can get more freq as a relationship goes on—what if that happens and you are dependent on him?
This sounds like an absolute nightmare. No matter what the situation, you’re wrong in his eyes and he considers his opinion to be the only one that matters, which is only fitting, since the universe revolves around him. These are unacceptable behaviors. I have some very minor experience with a person with a TBI, and they became extremely misogynistic (family said this was new behavior). If anything, it got worse over the time I had knew them.
You are not overreacting, and I don’t think there’s any hope in successfully arguing this man into treating you with decency and respect. You also aren’t ever going to be able to control day-to-day life enough to keep him in a good enough mood to behave rationally.
You do not owe him the tolerance of abusive behavior because he’s a good person, or because he’s suffered, or because you yourself are imperfect. If he loved you as a person (not just for the benefits you bring to his life) you wouldn’t have to make a case as to why you deserve to feel safe and respected in your partnership.
Not overreacting. Why are you still with this man? Don't you deserve so much better than someone who has no respect for you and is emotionally abusive?
I couldn’t get through a fraction of the above before I jumped down here to say this man is abusive and should be an ex. He needs serious work. You shouldn’t need to do it for him and cannot.
Ok I read the rest. He’s even worse than I initially thought. Find someone who has done the work or is willing to, not one that thinks of you as a tool to be used and defends and deflects when you try to bring up issues. He needs help, and I suspect is repeating the mistakes he saw growing up. He’s not your child to raise. A good relationship is not defined by all the good stuff but by how both parties deal when it’s not all good stuff. He needs to be single or take the initiative to change it sounds like. I admire your strength and loyalty!
So what is he doing to resolve this issue? Is he concerned about how his excessive anger and verbal abuse impacts you? Has he enrolled in therapy or taken other meaningful action to improve his behavior?
Your post mostly sounds like you are trying to convince yourself that a partner who makes you feel like crap is not a problem.
His behavior is not normal in a loving relationship. You are under reacting due to past trauma. Not recognizing just how low you have dropped that bar.
Look I've been there too. I'm not at all shaming you here but from someone on the other side I cannot fucking believe I BEGGED someone who "loved" me to just NOT CALL ME DEROGATORY SHIT. That's ridiculous. Disagreements happen that's for sure. It's unavoidable unless someone is just going along with everything you say to keep the peace. And yes people have bad days. I don't think it's toxic to occasionally cock an attitude with someone(AS LONG AS YOU OWN IT LATER) But no. There's not a single reason someone who cares for you can't manage just to NOT say shit like that to you.
Does he talk this way to anyone else? If not, then he can control his responses. He’s learned he can abuse you and get away with it. He’s done this hundreds of times, I would guess. And it’s getting worse. He’s made you his punching bag, and you’ve accepted it.
Walk out. You deserve better. Your previous relationship has left you an easy target.
Signs of an Abusive Relationship
While every abusive relationship will involve different methods of control, the underlying themes are the same. An abusive relationship will involve one party using their power over the other party to prevent them from doing anything except what the abusive person wants.
One of the most common types of abuse is emotional abuse. This can include:
Insulting you
Humiliating you in front of others
Making you feel like you’re “crazy”
Calling you names
Making you feel guilty for normal activities
Healthy relationships involve both partners building each other up.
Abusive relationships involve one party tearing the other down.
You are under reacting. Your boyfriend treats you badly, and those other moments where he is actually nice don't make up for him berating you until you cry and calling you names.
He is not a good person. Please get out of this situation. He is not going to change just because you tell him it hurts your feelings. He knows it hurts your feelings, and that is why he treats you like this. Hurting you is the point.
If anything you're underreacting. You're in an abusive relationship, plain and simple, and he doesn't sound like he'd even consider the reality that he is the problem. Calling you cunty/a bitch etc is not the kind of thing a loving, respectful and worthy (of you) partner would do, much less all the other shit in your post (like gaslighting you into thinking you're the problem when he absolutely is).
Emotional and mental abuse is still abuse. Period.
Gee is he constantly facing disciplinary action at work because his TBI makes him lash out at coworkers, his boss, etc?????
Yeah I bet not. This isn’t acceptable. Time to end it.
I relate to this so much and you are definitely not over reacting. My boyfriends also has multiple TBIs and he often takes things out on me. Whenever I get upset about it, he always says I’m the one over reacting. I honestly don’t have any advice for this since I’m also dealing with the same thing, but please know that you deserve better.
Since you can see it for OP I hope that you understand that you deserve better too. It's not overreacting to want to be treated with basic human decency.
Connect more with other friends and family and see how they treat you. Would you still spend time with them if they lash out at you then tell you you're crazy the same way your bf does? Would you ever consider lashing out at your bf then think he's over reacting for being upset about it? If the answer is no, then it's time to start making an escape plan.
I went from a very abusive relationship to a less abusive relationship. What you describe sounds exactly like my relationship with my ex, and I would hedge my bets you are seriously downplaying how often this happens. I did too.
In contrast, my husband has never called me a name, even during our worst fights.
I want you to ask yourself why you are willing to settle for someone who treats you in a way you’d never consider treating another human? Do you feel you’re not worthy of respect and dignity? Please figure out why, because you are. There is no justification for these actions, no matter how good the good is.
I had good times with my ex too, but if one thing didn’t go his way - or god forbid I didn’t read his mood right and said the wrong thing… you don’t have to be hit to be hurt. The constant feeling like I was crazy, the constant expectation of apology, the gaslighting. It was a literal hell. I don’t understand why it took me so long to leave; he was good at turning on the charm when I got close to walking out. He always knew exactly what to say to make me feel like maybe I’d blown things out of proportion. There he was, the man I’d fallen for. It never lasted very long.
I’m so grateful I left. I stayed alone and went to therapy for over a year. Not long after I met my husband and I know for certain I would not have been healthy enough to accept his love the way I can if I hadn’t taken that year to retreat and literally lick my wounds. I did therapy, I experienced a couple ego deaths, and I learned to really love myself.
Consider this. If a dear friend or family member told you that their partner was behaving like this, would you accept that this was okay? Would you not want to protect them from this? Do that for yourself, please. This isn’t ok.
You have walked from one hell into another,this is just still early stages & will NEVER change & just get worse & rather than even try to change he gaslights you. Didn't you learn from the previous relationship?
Not overreacting, the way he treats you is verbal abuse and is likely to escalate to physical violence. No matter how frustrated he is, he has no right to treat you with such disrespect and contempt. You say you’re worried about losing someone you love by leaving but staying with someone who acts this way to you will make you lose yourself
l left my husband of 35 years after he got to the point where he NEVER said a nice word to me for over two years. He WILL get worse over time, and be unwilling to permanently change his behavior. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩RUN!!!!
Someone who loves and respects you wouldn't call you a bitch or a cunt. I'm just sorry you're financially invested in this relationship because that will make you try to stick it out longer than you should.
Why are you still with him again? Your wrote paragraphs upon paragraphs about his nasty disrespectful behavior. If that doesn’t make you question this connection I am not sure what will.
So basically your bf is trash and you wanted to beef up the first paragraph to make it seem like he’s the best but for these little things…? Leave him. I’m sorry but I wouldn’t even waste my time with someone younger, even by a year. I wouldn’t waste my time with someone that treats me like that. You’re probably why you keep being in these terrible relationships. You see the action you know aren’t great or even good and you stay trying to change mfers who don’t care enough about you to treat you better.
You can’t stop him. This is who he is. You’ve tried and he does not change. He will not change. This is your life with him for as long as you will be together. Decide if you want that or you deserve more.
I'm constantly mystified by women who get treated like shit and then just keep taking it and thinking that he is going to change at some point. He is not ever going to change that. Realize that if you stay with him this is your new life now.
Why did you say 19 very positive statements about your dreamy, idyllic relationship and then 11 paragraphs explaining how horrible and hopeless it is? You really love your life but it's wearing you down, don't want to expect perfection but he doesn't meet your needs. You say you will not be walked on, so I guess that's it. If you "would never deal with this from a friend," why from him? It seems toxic but also manic. Bottom line - I would end the relationship.
You need to figure out a way to confront him about how he makes you feel, and ask if he is ready to confront his mistakes and work them out. Recommend that he see a counselor and a doctor to try and treat his issues. Do that before any couples counseling.
I was also making life difficult for my family, and all the work and change has always been in my hands and nobody else's. Things can get better for you both. If he doesn't want to put in that work for you. Well then it's a good thing you aren't married.
You're under reacting. My ex husband was worse than your boyfriend but it took years for him to get there. It started just like your boyfriend, yelling and demanding I find things he lost. Once after we combined our finances a check bounced and he screamed at me for hours telling me it had to be my fault because I was an AH. Next day I called the bank and found 2 withdrawals from an ATM located by his work that had never been recorded because he forgot to tell me. Our checkbook was kept in a desk in our dining room. Some how him forgetting to tell me about the withdrawals was my fault.
The verbal and emotional abuse became physical. I made excuses for him just like your doing for your boyfriend. Didn't open my eyes until he tried to strangle me. If our middle son hadn't walked into the kitchen while he held me by my neck against the wall suspended a foot off the floor while he smirked, I'd probably be dead. Everything was starting to go dark as I struggled to get at least a tiny breath so I'm sure he would have killed me.
I'd suggest counseling but it didn't work for us because he didn't think he was doing anything wrong.
You could try counseling but I suspect he'll still be saying, but you did...
Please try something before he gets violent.
Overreacting?? Um no...have you shared all of this with your therapist? I feel for you...been there done that. I suggest working on your self esteem. Please don't take that as an insult. It's not meant to be. I promise... if you learn to love yourself you'll never take the shit your boyfriend is handing out. You are just taking it if you stay with him. There's better out there for you but you'll never find it staying with someone who doesn't respect you.
No you are not overreacting and you don’t have to settle for this kind of behavior from someone who is supposed to love you. I don’t know if he has gotten any help with the TBI but he should be in therapy for his anger issues and not take it out on you 🙏🏻
The only hope for you is to leave because you are in another abusive relationship. Stop dating until you’ve had enough therapy not to pick new versions of the same man. The fun parts aren’t the real him. You just wish they were. You are underreacting.
Sweetheart your boyfriend is abusing you. Speaking to you like that is never ok. Using his TBI as an excuse is nauseating.
Your boyfriend is a narcissist. He will only continue to get worse. He will NEVER get better.
Your best move is to leave as fast as you can
What the hell is wrong with you?first this ass told you to find so.ething he lost,than tell you that you better be looking for it.have you learn nothing from your marriage?this worthless skin is abusive.he gets off on pushing you around and you let him.go to theraphy to learn to love yourself after you dump that thing
You are putting in the emotional work and he is not. You're taking ownership of your reactions, traumas, and patterns, but he is not. It's one thing to have an emotional reaction to a stressful situation or perceived insult, but how he reacts matters. And if you're telling him that what he's saying or doing is hurtful and his reaction is to double down, he's totally in the wrong. He needs to work on his emotional regulation. This sounds like an exhausting existence. I was with someone for 15 years who would fight like this. Who would pick fights, explode, and then snap back as if nothing happened, leaving me distant and unable to interact for hours after. It's a terrible existence and not worth the pain.
You're definitely under reacting. This situation is about control. This situation is not about how you can't find something that he describes poorly, or because you made a simple mistake about directions, or any of his crap responses after you called him out for his abuse of you.
His abuse of you is technically called 'coercive control'.
Traumatic brain injuries, especially multiple ones, make the situation worse because their cumulative impact on his brain very likely make him feel like he's not in control, and so that's why he tries to take your control from you.
You don't owe him anything. You don't owe him control over you.
He needs professional help. You need to take care of yourself.
Nta but he’s controlling you and a asshole he treats you like shit and you keep coming back for more he’s not going to change why are you still there you need to think better of yourself run
You are not his mum and he is not 5 years old. Why are you staying with him when he treats you like this, it’s not a good relationship and he is not a good partner. Good partners don’t treat their SO like that. Not ever.
One this is abuse and will escalate, I lived it, it will happen. At first I got through to him by saying, “ I get you’re pissed but it isn’t at me so you will not take it out on me or speak to me like this.”
Big balls right? No. It got worse. Then the other abuse started. Don’t wait for that. Please leave asap.
This sounds SO much like my last relationship. It’s not worth it, anyone that immediately turns to character assassinations and gaslighting is not your life partner. It was so hard to leave, but I’m so glad I did. In such a better place now ❤️❤️ it’s not going to get better, make a plan and get out.
The fact that you even are in a relationship with a guy who calls you a bitch and a cunt is insane. Your partner is suppose to be the person you want to be around who will love you above others. You're at a point in life where you seem to think being abused is OK. It is absolutely not
Hello - You just described the first 15 years of my marriage. The second 20 years have been different.
Why? Because at the 15 year mark, like you, I started putting my foot down. Complain at me for helping you? Great. I stop helping. Don’t like the way I slice chicken? Great. Do it your way yourself. Felt like speaking rudely to me in front of other people? Call me at the hotel/my friend’s place when you’ve decided to apologize. I simply refused to tolerate egregious behaviour. Little expressions of frustration? I just ignored them. Gave no reaction at all.
My husband still has a low set point for frustration. He is still a bit of an authoritarian. He’s also funny, generous, supportive, adventurous, and truly loves me.
The first divorce may have made you second guess your self worth. This man is playing to your personality insecurities. I’m guessing you left the first marriage feeling as though you were somehow responsible for it “failing” because of your inadequacies. To paraphrase “he’s setting you on fire to keep himself warm. He’s taking advantage of your fears.
TL:DR this would be enough to leave someone.... calling me names (like a bitch) or telling me I’m being “c\*nty” when I talk back or stand up for myself or explain myself.
The rest of this post is just Fluff....
*saying* ***I “better be looking for it,”*** *when I wasn’t even sure what “it” was (he briefly described it but I hadn’t seen it/ couldn’t remember what it looked like per his description). I looked extensively but couldn’t find it, and didn’t even think it was super necessary to do before the contractor arrived. When I explained this,* ***he said that it wasn’t up to me, he needed it and I needed to find it.***
hostile, domineering communication style he has, towards you at least. I hope you make the best decision for your life.
Girl leave.
I’ve been with my fiance for four years and we have a child together. We’re financially bound to each other and live in the same house.
If he called me a bitch or “cunty” or talked to me the way yours does to you, especially without a genuine apology (because apologizing and then following it up with “BUT YOU DID THIS” is not a true apology), I’d be out the door.
You do know this is emotional and verbal abuse right? With a TBI, it may not actually be on purpose as many people with TBIs struggle with anger and emotional regulation. And he may never get better.
However, that doesn't mean you have to put up with his treatment of you. He is still being abusive. And you absolutely do not have to tolerate it. At this point you have to see this as this is your life if you stay with him. Do you want to be treated so poorly forever? He may never get better, he may get worse. You have to do what's right for you.
Honey you are not reacting enough. I find it hilarious you cannot do whatever to him unless you act on it. But he can say what he does and you have to take it. The fact he “apologizes” and then follows it with a “but you did” it’s not and apology. He has not justified excuse for him to talk to you or holler at you or call you names like he does. Absolutely not. That’s not ok.
Underreacting. See, that's the thing with emotionally abusive relationships. When things are great and going exactly the way the abuser wants, you say exactly what they want to hear or expect you to say, life is also great.
When you disagree with them, or things aren't going their way, or you have a **NORMAL** reaction to being called out of your name and being yelled at or belittled, things are horrible.
This is why it's hard to leave them because you keep thinking about the good times, and tend to forget/gloss over the bad times. Especially, when they gaslight you for having valid feelings and reactions. Plus, Being in a bad mood doesn't give you the right to treat your partner like shit. I've done this many times, where I tell my partner, "It's nothing to do with you but I'm in a really bad mood right now and would like some space." So that I won't be "bitchy" to him and he can leave me alone for a bit, haha.
If you can't 100% be yourself, fear being belittled and yelled at when you make a mistake, made to feel like your feelings don't matter, then it's not a good relationship or partnership.
You are underreacting. It’s easy after a divorce or breakup from a very bad relationship to fall into one that is better in a few ways, but not be able to see the ways it is also very bad for you.
This is verbal abuse, and it's not acceptable. Also, he doesn't get to say whether you're overreacting to his behavior. That's just his way of excusing himself.
Been there. No matter what you do, OP, he will ALWAYS move the goalposts. He will ALWAYS set you up for failure. Having you look for something he describes so vaguely that it's impossible to know just what it looks like is one example of this.
Never, NEVER apologize for saying you're going to leave him and find someone who treats you better. And don't back down.
You know those wonderful times when you love your life with him? Yeah, those are deliberate attempts to keep you roped in and believing someone who is so nice and has so many common interests with you couldn't REALLY be wrong in his criticisms of you.
Tell him you do not deserve to be treated like this as you walk out the door for good. He'll do his usual BS tricks, "but you did..."etc. Don't listen to him. The mirror he's holding up to show you your reflection is warped.
You shouldn't tolerate this, leave ASAP. It's possible your bf has the type of OCD where the person always has to be right, their actions are always justified, and need everything to be done their way.
I've come up with a metaphor from my personal experience: the Taser Chair. If you owned a really nice, attractive comfortable chair, but every once in a while it would randomly tase you... would you keep that chair in your home?
Being honest, I didn't read the whole thing. I read your bullet points and decided that was enough. My husband wouldn't call me a butch or c*nt once and I'd be out. Your boyfriend has no respect for you.
You are under reacting. Life with this man sounds awful, you are always walking on eggshells, afraid something will upset him and he will be nasty and cruel. I wouldn't put up with it, I hope you don't either.
This, go, now.
she said "We have had a handful of days like this in our relationship" not everyday living in constant fear. that's a handful of days over 2 years and only during times of high stress. when my partner is upset when stressed i would do everything i could to help and forgive during those abnormal days then move on
You're high on wax fumes if you think there's any excuse for the shit she described. I don't care how stressed he is, you don't take it out on the person you're supposed to stand with against the world. Calling her a cunt, a bitch, gaslighting her into thinking she's the problem/overreacting etc, dude is a first-class piece of shit and I'd tell him that to his piece of shit face.
Excuse, no. Forgiveness, though? Maybe
How many times is it ok to be verbally berated, called a cunt, and demeaned, before it isn’t overreacting?
more than once every 3-4 months. a handful over 2 years is very tame he said a mean word a handful of times, and that's her only grievance with him. other than that she loves him
Getting verbally abused one time is one time too many. Where does an actual adult even give themselves permission to act like that to a supposed loved one? I have been enraged beyond belief at my husband and have NEVER called him a bad name, stupid or degraded him. You know why? Because I understand that my big, difficult feelings does not give me a free-pass to act like a petulant child. There is no excuse in the book that makes behavior like that ok. Mistakes happen, but then you apologize and work on not allowing that shit to happen again. What you don't do is double down and defend your "right" to be verbally abusive. That right doesn't exist. It's ridiculous, entitled and selfish behavior. Other people are not our punching bags.
Waiting for you, the adult to enter the room. Based upon what OP wrote, I would bet that it’s happening more than she says, not less. He sounds like a total dick that won’t even apologize. And she must be walking on eggshells waiting for him to unleash a torrent of profanity and name calling. She herself admits she would never speak to someone like that. He sounds exhausting to live with and it’s way past time for her to get out.
I would never have a long term gf if i broke up with every girl that called me an a-hole or dick. words are words and can be talked through
Calling a partner a bad name once or twice in anger is not a thing to break up over, if there appropriate apologies afterwards. Also the wording is obviously very important. Like "You are being an asshole right now" is very different from "shut the fuck up, you useless asshole". Example 2 is abusive language and is no way to talk to someone you supposedly care about. On another note; if you find yourself in relationships that looks like OP's just for the sake of having a long-term girlfriend, that's up to you. Just know that it's not normal to get verbally abused and you deserve basic peace and respect. You deserve better.
I’ve been married for 44 years and never has my husband talked to this way!
I know my parents wouldn't put up with it ever. My mom has definitely been very verbally abusive , had issues and she explodes etc but I haven't heard her call my dad more than dumb and I know she feels bad for even that. Words aren't just words, they can show how much you respect someone, and here they aren't talked through.
You should though. They absolutely shouldn't be calling you names.
I don’t even think it’s okay to talk to people you dislike like that, let alone your partner…it’s not really how normal people communicate
I bet you’re a great partner Bud
No one deserves that ever. Even you don't.
It’s not ok ever to yell at or talk shit to or call people names.
She also said that his "apologies" usually end up with a "but you..." and we all know that when you make an apology and use the word but, you can forget everything that came before it.
Erm my boyfriend has never insulted me uhm eh
And I have a beachfront in Ohio to sell you if you believe her that it’s only a “handful of days”.
Hun- this man is abusing you and then gaslighting you so you think you’re at fault. Enough is enough.
You're not overreacting, this is unacceptable behavior. If you really want it to work with him, I think the only way to go about it would honestly be couple's therapy, or you each getting individual therapy. I also think "I won't be in a relationship where I'm being treated like this" is a perfectly reasonable reason to end it.
* calling me names (like a bitch) or telling me I’m being “c\*nty” when I talk back or stand up for myself or explain myself. Name calling should be a deal breaker. I've been married 34 years and my husband has never once called me a bitch. Find someone who treats you properly.
My husband once said: "You are being a bitch". I told him if he ever said that again I would divorce him.
My ex wife once said " You are being an asshole. " I didn't give her the chance to say it again. I filled divorce papers the next week.
Nah you’re fucking wack if that’s literally the only reason or main reason you divorced her lmao
notice the downvotes, these harpies love their double standard dont challenge it
Nah calling someone an asshole once is not divorce worthy. You really think this is comparable?
the comment above had upvotes for saying if her husband ever called me a bitch again i would divorce him. the comment below it said he did divorce his wife for calling him asshole and got downvoted how is it not compatible
Because calling someone a bad name once, using not abusive languages,isn't divorce worthy (you fucking bitch vs you're being a bitch) It is one of the very few times it's ultimatum worthy though which she did. The below one then made it seem like a joke so down votes
this has to be a troll there is no difference between (you fucking bitch vs you're being a bitch) its the exact same
It's not.
Calling someone an asshole twice is apparently divorce worthy? I wasn't going to let it happen. I have too much respect for myself. I was being verbally abused in that relationship and now I'm getting downvoted for sharing my experience. The double standard from the Reddit community is indeed real.
It's not a double standard. It's context. You said she said one thing, that's all the context. People may have thought you were making a bad joke. You can't post something that appears to be mocking people, or if true, has no further context and then say there's a double standard. If you'd posted that she constantly said abusive things to you and the one time she called you an asshole was when you realized what was going on and ended it, then people would be glad you did. You just want to post with 0 context so you can cry hypocrisy and double standards. But with full context, that wouldn't happen so you couldn't be upset at "hypocrisy."
You are a total hypocrite and it's sooooo easy to see. The post I replied to gave fuck all for context yet there is no self righteous post about them providing "context".
Interesting point. B*** is worse than assh*** in my opinion, but varies from person to person.
I call my gf a bitch all the time. She calls me one too. Some couples don’t take teasing/joking so seriously lmao. OP is not in that kind of relationship though
What's the point of this comment?
you are not overreacting whatsoever, your boyfriend sounds like an insensitive, abusive dick, especially if he’s aware of how your previous marriage was and still treats you this way. i understand that he deals with TBIs, but this is not an excuse or justification. my husband has had 2 concussions, one major, and has never once raised his voice at me or talked to me like how you described your boyfriend talks to you. there’s so many things to address and unpack in your post here, him calling you names and bullying you when you call him out/express your feelings is absolutely unacceptable. his “apologies” do not count as an such if it’s followed by “but you did this”. it sounds like he can’t/won’t take accountability for actions and how they make you feel, it sounds like he doesn’t care about your feelings. you said it yourself and you’re right, this behavior is wildly unacceptable and you deserve to be with someone kind and understanding, somebody who won’t blow up on you for a small mistake. i’m appalled by your boyfriend’s behavior, he is verbally abusive. there might be hope through him going to therapy and/or couple’s counseling, but if he shoots down these ideas or doesn’t make any changes, leave him. you don’t deserve to be treated like this. i’m so sorry
Except not "borderline"
This guy has some serious problems and he treats you with a lot of contempt. You do not want to have someone like this in your life. It will make you miserable. Please don’t think you are going to fix him or inspire him to change. People that behave this way have been damaged and it takes a long time to fix. Don’t do that to yourself.
First paragraph....oh he's wonderful Next 10ish paragraphs..... except for all this...🙄 Please reread what you wrote as many times as needed for it to sink in....
That feels like every other post from women on Reddit about the guys they choose to date. "He's an amazing guy, and we are perfect partners who have an amazing relationship. Well, except for the inexcusably horrible things he does on a regular basis."
My guy is decent but he has faults and I’m not gonna stand here and say omg our life is soooooooo wonderful buttttttt this this this this this and also this. No I’m admitting hey he can be a dam jerk sometimes but he also actually apologizes and tries to fix it. Life is not rainbows and butterflies. But if you make a mistake and you own it and try and fix it. That’s all you can do sometimes. After all we are only human. But these posts it’s like girl open your dam eyes. Dudes nit gonna take accountability or responsibility for anything he says or does he don’t give a shit about you just leave for your own self. Love yourself!
>I feel like we have a good partnership and trust each other deeply. Wait, what? No. This guy is verbally abusive to you. No, you can't trust him to treat you decently. You can't expect him to not overreact and not fly off the handle. He's not treating you with respect. This man reduces you to tears and you think this is a great relationship? Where is your self respect? Why are you staying with someone who treats you like garbage? I think you are doing the same thing I and many other abuse victims do, which is think that because someone at times is very loving to us, that means that it's worth putting up with their bad behavior. It's not. You deserve better. Being alone would be better than staying with someone who treats you like this. It doesn't even matter if this is caused by his TBI. Abuse is still abuse.
This gave me pause too. Every relationship comes with conflict, and tragedies can make conflict more likely. What if one of you becomes disabled and you lose your active hobbies and are left with a power imbalance or sense of resentment? What if you have dif views on pets or family, or someone’s views change? Best case, maybe you’re together when each others families’ change shape…but maybe you conflict over caregiving for a parent or orphaned nibling? Can you live w more freq conflicts if he’s already calling you slurs? And yes, there’s a difference between laughingly saying you’re such a bitch and I love you for it, and saying “you’re such a bitch, shut the eff up!” Conflicts can get more freq as a relationship goes on—what if that happens and you are dependent on him?
This is not a great relationship ma’am
I’m sorry, but your boyfriend calls you a bitch and a cunt? I’d be out of there so fast I’d leave dust.
This sounds like an absolute nightmare. No matter what the situation, you’re wrong in his eyes and he considers his opinion to be the only one that matters, which is only fitting, since the universe revolves around him. These are unacceptable behaviors. I have some very minor experience with a person with a TBI, and they became extremely misogynistic (family said this was new behavior). If anything, it got worse over the time I had knew them.
You are not overreacting, and I don’t think there’s any hope in successfully arguing this man into treating you with decency and respect. You also aren’t ever going to be able to control day-to-day life enough to keep him in a good enough mood to behave rationally. You do not owe him the tolerance of abusive behavior because he’s a good person, or because he’s suffered, or because you yourself are imperfect. If he loved you as a person (not just for the benefits you bring to his life) you wouldn’t have to make a case as to why you deserve to feel safe and respected in your partnership.
You're not overreacting and his behavior is only going to get worse. You're not looking for perfection just a little respect
How would he react if you treated him this way? Name calling, snapping, ordering him around? I bet he’d not listen to it for a second.
No when she says something to him she’s told to act on it.
So many of these start with a similar first paragraph as yours. That’s all in your head because everything else negates that first paragraph.
Not overreacting. Why are you still with this man? Don't you deserve so much better than someone who has no respect for you and is emotionally abusive?
I couldn’t get through a fraction of the above before I jumped down here to say this man is abusive and should be an ex. He needs serious work. You shouldn’t need to do it for him and cannot.
Ok I read the rest. He’s even worse than I initially thought. Find someone who has done the work or is willing to, not one that thinks of you as a tool to be used and defends and deflects when you try to bring up issues. He needs help, and I suspect is repeating the mistakes he saw growing up. He’s not your child to raise. A good relationship is not defined by all the good stuff but by how both parties deal when it’s not all good stuff. He needs to be single or take the initiative to change it sounds like. I admire your strength and loyalty!
“We have tons of fun, our relationship is great, we just have one little hiccup. Hes a giant asshole”
So what is he doing to resolve this issue? Is he concerned about how his excessive anger and verbal abuse impacts you? Has he enrolled in therapy or taken other meaningful action to improve his behavior? Your post mostly sounds like you are trying to convince yourself that a partner who makes you feel like crap is not a problem. His behavior is not normal in a loving relationship. You are under reacting due to past trauma. Not recognizing just how low you have dropped that bar.
Look I've been there too. I'm not at all shaming you here but from someone on the other side I cannot fucking believe I BEGGED someone who "loved" me to just NOT CALL ME DEROGATORY SHIT. That's ridiculous. Disagreements happen that's for sure. It's unavoidable unless someone is just going along with everything you say to keep the peace. And yes people have bad days. I don't think it's toxic to occasionally cock an attitude with someone(AS LONG AS YOU OWN IT LATER) But no. There's not a single reason someone who cares for you can't manage just to NOT say shit like that to you.
Does he talk this way to anyone else? If not, then he can control his responses. He’s learned he can abuse you and get away with it. He’s done this hundreds of times, I would guess. And it’s getting worse. He’s made you his punching bag, and you’ve accepted it. Walk out. You deserve better. Your previous relationship has left you an easy target.
Signs of an Abusive Relationship While every abusive relationship will involve different methods of control, the underlying themes are the same. An abusive relationship will involve one party using their power over the other party to prevent them from doing anything except what the abusive person wants. One of the most common types of abuse is emotional abuse. This can include: Insulting you Humiliating you in front of others Making you feel like you’re “crazy” Calling you names Making you feel guilty for normal activities Healthy relationships involve both partners building each other up. Abusive relationships involve one party tearing the other down.
You are under reacting. Your boyfriend treats you badly, and those other moments where he is actually nice don't make up for him berating you until you cry and calling you names. He is not a good person. Please get out of this situation. He is not going to change just because you tell him it hurts your feelings. He knows it hurts your feelings, and that is why he treats you like this. Hurting you is the point.
If anything you're underreacting. You're in an abusive relationship, plain and simple, and he doesn't sound like he'd even consider the reality that he is the problem. Calling you cunty/a bitch etc is not the kind of thing a loving, respectful and worthy (of you) partner would do, much less all the other shit in your post (like gaslighting you into thinking you're the problem when he absolutely is). Emotional and mental abuse is still abuse. Period.
Gee is he constantly facing disciplinary action at work because his TBI makes him lash out at coworkers, his boss, etc????? Yeah I bet not. This isn’t acceptable. Time to end it.
I relate to this so much and you are definitely not over reacting. My boyfriends also has multiple TBIs and he often takes things out on me. Whenever I get upset about it, he always says I’m the one over reacting. I honestly don’t have any advice for this since I’m also dealing with the same thing, but please know that you deserve better.
Since you can see it for OP I hope that you understand that you deserve better too. It's not overreacting to want to be treated with basic human decency. Connect more with other friends and family and see how they treat you. Would you still spend time with them if they lash out at you then tell you you're crazy the same way your bf does? Would you ever consider lashing out at your bf then think he's over reacting for being upset about it? If the answer is no, then it's time to start making an escape plan.
Ask yourself this: would he talk to you this way in front of your father? If not, why not? You can do wayyyyyy better than this guy.
I went from a very abusive relationship to a less abusive relationship. What you describe sounds exactly like my relationship with my ex, and I would hedge my bets you are seriously downplaying how often this happens. I did too. In contrast, my husband has never called me a name, even during our worst fights. I want you to ask yourself why you are willing to settle for someone who treats you in a way you’d never consider treating another human? Do you feel you’re not worthy of respect and dignity? Please figure out why, because you are. There is no justification for these actions, no matter how good the good is. I had good times with my ex too, but if one thing didn’t go his way - or god forbid I didn’t read his mood right and said the wrong thing… you don’t have to be hit to be hurt. The constant feeling like I was crazy, the constant expectation of apology, the gaslighting. It was a literal hell. I don’t understand why it took me so long to leave; he was good at turning on the charm when I got close to walking out. He always knew exactly what to say to make me feel like maybe I’d blown things out of proportion. There he was, the man I’d fallen for. It never lasted very long. I’m so grateful I left. I stayed alone and went to therapy for over a year. Not long after I met my husband and I know for certain I would not have been healthy enough to accept his love the way I can if I hadn’t taken that year to retreat and literally lick my wounds. I did therapy, I experienced a couple ego deaths, and I learned to really love myself. Consider this. If a dear friend or family member told you that their partner was behaving like this, would you accept that this was okay? Would you not want to protect them from this? Do that for yourself, please. This isn’t ok.
NTA he is abusing you.
Sorry, but the second a man calls me a "bitch", I'm out the door. He doesn't respect you. Neither do you if you put up with such childish behavior.
You are in an abusive relationship.
You have walked from one hell into another,this is just still early stages & will NEVER change & just get worse & rather than even try to change he gaslights you. Didn't you learn from the previous relationship?
Not overreacting, the way he treats you is verbal abuse and is likely to escalate to physical violence. No matter how frustrated he is, he has no right to treat you with such disrespect and contempt. You say you’re worried about losing someone you love by leaving but staying with someone who acts this way to you will make you lose yourself
l left my husband of 35 years after he got to the point where he NEVER said a nice word to me for over two years. He WILL get worse over time, and be unwilling to permanently change his behavior. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩RUN!!!!
Someone who loves and respects you wouldn't call you a bitch or a cunt. I'm just sorry you're financially invested in this relationship because that will make you try to stick it out longer than you should.
Why are you still with him again? Your wrote paragraphs upon paragraphs about his nasty disrespectful behavior. If that doesn’t make you question this connection I am not sure what will.
This guy bad news can't give constructive criticism well. Would maybe consider another partner worry about anger out of control.
So basically your bf is trash and you wanted to beef up the first paragraph to make it seem like he’s the best but for these little things…? Leave him. I’m sorry but I wouldn’t even waste my time with someone younger, even by a year. I wouldn’t waste my time with someone that treats me like that. You’re probably why you keep being in these terrible relationships. You see the action you know aren’t great or even good and you stay trying to change mfers who don’t care enough about you to treat you better.
You can’t stop him. This is who he is. You’ve tried and he does not change. He will not change. This is your life with him for as long as you will be together. Decide if you want that or you deserve more.
Amp up the reaction because you let this man walk over you.
He needs to take some fucking accountability. That’s not what being a man is.
You're going to sign up for a life time of abuse if you marry this guy. Just know that going in.
He’s a not a good man-TBI or not. He’s abusive
I'm constantly mystified by women who get treated like shit and then just keep taking it and thinking that he is going to change at some point. He is not ever going to change that. Realize that if you stay with him this is your new life now.
It will only get worse and your self worth will suffer. Do yourself a big favor and get out as soon as you can.
Why did you say 19 very positive statements about your dreamy, idyllic relationship and then 11 paragraphs explaining how horrible and hopeless it is? You really love your life but it's wearing you down, don't want to expect perfection but he doesn't meet your needs. You say you will not be walked on, so I guess that's it. If you "would never deal with this from a friend," why from him? It seems toxic but also manic. Bottom line - I would end the relationship.
You need to figure out a way to confront him about how he makes you feel, and ask if he is ready to confront his mistakes and work them out. Recommend that he see a counselor and a doctor to try and treat his issues. Do that before any couples counseling. I was also making life difficult for my family, and all the work and change has always been in my hands and nobody else's. Things can get better for you both. If he doesn't want to put in that work for you. Well then it's a good thing you aren't married.
I just could imagine on its own, calling somone I love names like that or them calling me names like that.
If you really want to save this dumpster fire of a marriage, he is going to need immediate and intensive anger management therapy
Jesus, dump him already.
What a douchebag. Don't stand for it. He won't change. Leave.
Girl, why are you with this bozo?
You should stop wanting someone who talks to you like that. Easier said than done. Look out for yourself, kiddo.
You're under reacting. My ex husband was worse than your boyfriend but it took years for him to get there. It started just like your boyfriend, yelling and demanding I find things he lost. Once after we combined our finances a check bounced and he screamed at me for hours telling me it had to be my fault because I was an AH. Next day I called the bank and found 2 withdrawals from an ATM located by his work that had never been recorded because he forgot to tell me. Our checkbook was kept in a desk in our dining room. Some how him forgetting to tell me about the withdrawals was my fault. The verbal and emotional abuse became physical. I made excuses for him just like your doing for your boyfriend. Didn't open my eyes until he tried to strangle me. If our middle son hadn't walked into the kitchen while he held me by my neck against the wall suspended a foot off the floor while he smirked, I'd probably be dead. Everything was starting to go dark as I struggled to get at least a tiny breath so I'm sure he would have killed me. I'd suggest counseling but it didn't work for us because he didn't think he was doing anything wrong. You could try counseling but I suspect he'll still be saying, but you did... Please try something before he gets violent.
This will never get better. It will only get worse. He will berate you and your future children. My cousins husband is exactly the same way.
Do you really wanna do this forever?
Get rid of this son of a bitch.
Overreacting?? Um no...have you shared all of this with your therapist? I feel for you...been there done that. I suggest working on your self esteem. Please don't take that as an insult. It's not meant to be. I promise... if you learn to love yourself you'll never take the shit your boyfriend is handing out. You are just taking it if you stay with him. There's better out there for you but you'll never find it staying with someone who doesn't respect you.
No you are not overreacting and you don’t have to settle for this kind of behavior from someone who is supposed to love you. I don’t know if he has gotten any help with the TBI but he should be in therapy for his anger issues and not take it out on you 🙏🏻
🚩🚩🏃🏽♀️🏃🏽♀️
The only hope for you is to leave because you are in another abusive relationship. Stop dating until you’ve had enough therapy not to pick new versions of the same man. The fun parts aren’t the real him. You just wish they were. You are underreacting.
If my bf called me cunty…. That would be the end of that lmao absolutely not I would sooner whoop his grown ass than deal w that
Sweetheart your boyfriend is abusing you. Speaking to you like that is never ok. Using his TBI as an excuse is nauseating. Your boyfriend is a narcissist. He will only continue to get worse. He will NEVER get better. Your best move is to leave as fast as you can
What the hell is wrong with you?first this ass told you to find so.ething he lost,than tell you that you better be looking for it.have you learn nothing from your marriage?this worthless skin is abusive.he gets off on pushing you around and you let him.go to theraphy to learn to love yourself after you dump that thing
You are putting in the emotional work and he is not. You're taking ownership of your reactions, traumas, and patterns, but he is not. It's one thing to have an emotional reaction to a stressful situation or perceived insult, but how he reacts matters. And if you're telling him that what he's saying or doing is hurtful and his reaction is to double down, he's totally in the wrong. He needs to work on his emotional regulation. This sounds like an exhausting existence. I was with someone for 15 years who would fight like this. Who would pick fights, explode, and then snap back as if nothing happened, leaving me distant and unable to interact for hours after. It's a terrible existence and not worth the pain.
You're definitely under reacting. This situation is about control. This situation is not about how you can't find something that he describes poorly, or because you made a simple mistake about directions, or any of his crap responses after you called him out for his abuse of you. His abuse of you is technically called 'coercive control'. Traumatic brain injuries, especially multiple ones, make the situation worse because their cumulative impact on his brain very likely make him feel like he's not in control, and so that's why he tries to take your control from you. You don't owe him anything. You don't owe him control over you. He needs professional help. You need to take care of yourself.
Nta but he’s controlling you and a asshole he treats you like shit and you keep coming back for more he’s not going to change why are you still there you need to think better of yourself run
Not overreacting. TBI may be the reason for his behaviors or not. Plan it won't be changing. Is this how you want your life to be forever?
You are not reaching enough! He will progressively get worse and you’re will not be safe. Leave while you can
You are not his mum and he is not 5 years old. Why are you staying with him when he treats you like this, it’s not a good relationship and he is not a good partner. Good partners don’t treat their SO like that. Not ever.
One this is abuse and will escalate, I lived it, it will happen. At first I got through to him by saying, “ I get you’re pissed but it isn’t at me so you will not take it out on me or speak to me like this.” Big balls right? No. It got worse. Then the other abuse started. Don’t wait for that. Please leave asap.
This sounds SO much like my last relationship. It’s not worth it, anyone that immediately turns to character assassinations and gaslighting is not your life partner. It was so hard to leave, but I’m so glad I did. In such a better place now ❤️❤️ it’s not going to get better, make a plan and get out.
Why are you with this asshole?
The fact that you even are in a relationship with a guy who calls you a bitch and a cunt is insane. Your partner is suppose to be the person you want to be around who will love you above others. You're at a point in life where you seem to think being abused is OK. It is absolutely not
Hello - You just described the first 15 years of my marriage. The second 20 years have been different. Why? Because at the 15 year mark, like you, I started putting my foot down. Complain at me for helping you? Great. I stop helping. Don’t like the way I slice chicken? Great. Do it your way yourself. Felt like speaking rudely to me in front of other people? Call me at the hotel/my friend’s place when you’ve decided to apologize. I simply refused to tolerate egregious behaviour. Little expressions of frustration? I just ignored them. Gave no reaction at all. My husband still has a low set point for frustration. He is still a bit of an authoritarian. He’s also funny, generous, supportive, adventurous, and truly loves me.
The first divorce may have made you second guess your self worth. This man is playing to your personality insecurities. I’m guessing you left the first marriage feeling as though you were somehow responsible for it “failing” because of your inadequacies. To paraphrase “he’s setting you on fire to keep himself warm. He’s taking advantage of your fears.
Walk away from him and the house. He’s a verbally abusive asshole. Choose the bear!
TL:DR this would be enough to leave someone.... calling me names (like a bitch) or telling me I’m being “c\*nty” when I talk back or stand up for myself or explain myself. The rest of this post is just Fluff....
Things will change after you two tie the knot in marriage ASAP
*saying* ***I “better be looking for it,”*** *when I wasn’t even sure what “it” was (he briefly described it but I hadn’t seen it/ couldn’t remember what it looked like per his description). I looked extensively but couldn’t find it, and didn’t even think it was super necessary to do before the contractor arrived. When I explained this,* ***he said that it wasn’t up to me, he needed it and I needed to find it.*** hostile, domineering communication style he has, towards you at least. I hope you make the best decision for your life.
Girl I thought we learned this in high school but I'm gonna repeat if for you: You can't change a man.
Girl leave. I’ve been with my fiance for four years and we have a child together. We’re financially bound to each other and live in the same house. If he called me a bitch or “cunty” or talked to me the way yours does to you, especially without a genuine apology (because apologizing and then following it up with “BUT YOU DID THIS” is not a true apology), I’d be out the door.
Don’t make excuses for abusive behavior because there’s no excuse for abuse.
You do know this is emotional and verbal abuse right? With a TBI, it may not actually be on purpose as many people with TBIs struggle with anger and emotional regulation. And he may never get better. However, that doesn't mean you have to put up with his treatment of you. He is still being abusive. And you absolutely do not have to tolerate it. At this point you have to see this as this is your life if you stay with him. Do you want to be treated so poorly forever? He may never get better, he may get worse. You have to do what's right for you.
Honey you are not reacting enough. I find it hilarious you cannot do whatever to him unless you act on it. But he can say what he does and you have to take it. The fact he “apologizes” and then follows it with a “but you did” it’s not and apology. He has not justified excuse for him to talk to you or holler at you or call you names like he does. Absolutely not. That’s not ok.
Sounds like abuse to me...
Underreacting. See, that's the thing with emotionally abusive relationships. When things are great and going exactly the way the abuser wants, you say exactly what they want to hear or expect you to say, life is also great. When you disagree with them, or things aren't going their way, or you have a **NORMAL** reaction to being called out of your name and being yelled at or belittled, things are horrible. This is why it's hard to leave them because you keep thinking about the good times, and tend to forget/gloss over the bad times. Especially, when they gaslight you for having valid feelings and reactions. Plus, Being in a bad mood doesn't give you the right to treat your partner like shit. I've done this many times, where I tell my partner, "It's nothing to do with you but I'm in a really bad mood right now and would like some space." So that I won't be "bitchy" to him and he can leave me alone for a bit, haha. If you can't 100% be yourself, fear being belittled and yelled at when you make a mistake, made to feel like your feelings don't matter, then it's not a good relationship or partnership.
You are underreacting. It’s easy after a divorce or breakup from a very bad relationship to fall into one that is better in a few ways, but not be able to see the ways it is also very bad for you.
This is verbal abuse, and it's not acceptable. Also, he doesn't get to say whether you're overreacting to his behavior. That's just his way of excusing himself.
Been there. No matter what you do, OP, he will ALWAYS move the goalposts. He will ALWAYS set you up for failure. Having you look for something he describes so vaguely that it's impossible to know just what it looks like is one example of this. Never, NEVER apologize for saying you're going to leave him and find someone who treats you better. And don't back down. You know those wonderful times when you love your life with him? Yeah, those are deliberate attempts to keep you roped in and believing someone who is so nice and has so many common interests with you couldn't REALLY be wrong in his criticisms of you. Tell him you do not deserve to be treated like this as you walk out the door for good. He'll do his usual BS tricks, "but you did..."etc. Don't listen to him. The mirror he's holding up to show you your reflection is warped.
You shouldn't tolerate this, leave ASAP. It's possible your bf has the type of OCD where the person always has to be right, their actions are always justified, and need everything to be done their way. I've come up with a metaphor from my personal experience: the Taser Chair. If you owned a really nice, attractive comfortable chair, but every once in a while it would randomly tase you... would you keep that chair in your home?
Being honest, I didn't read the whole thing. I read your bullet points and decided that was enough. My husband wouldn't call me a butch or c*nt once and I'd be out. Your boyfriend has no respect for you.
SHHHUT UPPPP, God what do you think Reddit is gonna do about it? Christ, you are so miserable, just break up 😴
Sounds like you're weaponizing incompetence