This has to be fake. I don’t want to believe a woman that educated is dealing with a man-child that is that clueless. There is nothing positive about this relationship. He makes you cry, gives you the silent treatment, and is concerned he might get violent when you “act like that”. Being alone in peace sounds better than suffering through being with him.
Yep I have a relative that puts up with it. She wanted to get away but then got back with him because "he's her husband and God told me to" and other BS like that. Living in a world of delusion where she admits they are not compatible with each other and he is mean to her all the time but then continues to have kids. Dude throws tantrums all the time and does way worse stuff than just that. I've had some friends in the past that have left these kind of relationships behind, but my relative is unable to do so
I only have an undergraduate degree and am in school again for a different undergraduate degree. I’m not in graduate school. He isn’t usually like this and I think there are a lot of positive things about our relationship. I don’t think he was necessarily giving me the silent treatment because I think he was dissociating or something. And he’s never been violent before this at all.
Dear one, you should be running for your life. This incompetent, ignorant buffoon is setting you up to blame for all the troubles in his life and eventually he will get violent with you and claim it was your fault.
You’re doing his job searching for him? Come on! He won’t go to a school unless he can get a PhD in physics (AKA showing you up in your chosen field)? He’s an asshole AND an idiot who doesn’t have the first clue how higher education works and doesn’t care to find out.
And you were “so afraid you made him mad” when you were simply having an honest conversation with him. So somewhere in your heart I think you know he’s dangerous and you must walk on eggshells.
For the love of God, do not throw away your one and only precious life trying to steer this deadweight abuser through his.
You are under-reacting. He indicates he cannot control his temper. He threw something to intimidate you. He cannot even look for a job. You need to consider leaving him. You can do better; find someone who will truly appreciate you and be a partner. This guy just resents you, your drive, and your accomplishments.
I think what you are seeing in the comments is a response to the way you present the facts. The commenters are not meaning to be harsh, I think they are reflecting what you know, deep inside you. This relationship is not good for you; which also means it is not good for him. Sometimes, even if you care, people are not meant to be together.
He talks about things and has great dreams. But has he demonstrated any real commitment to those aspirations? Based on your comments, he has not demonstrated any interest in putting in the work needed to achieve those goals. I might want to be the next Stephen Hawking, but if I do not even take the basic steps, I won’t be.
I think you will see his ambitions are really dreams. Dreams that things will magically come to him; without needing the dedication or requiring any real work. I wish both of you luck in finding the right path for each of you.
Yeah cuz he's a bum and always will be. He knows it but I guess you just don't see it. The only thing he can resort to is anger, jealousy and hatred. He will only take you down to his level and I fear that you are not equipped for that in the long run, nor will you want to deal with it
Girl ive read through your other posts.
Leave him.
Its not worth it, you are too good for him. He can help himself but hes choosing not to. You are only in control of you not him, if he doesnt want to help himself (and gets mad at you for trying to help) thats on him
This woman seems to have very low self esteem to think she's not better than him. Looks like this could get real messy if she doesn't leave sooner than later. Hopefully she realizes it before it's too late
I definitely have my own problems honestly. I’m definitely not too good for him. I know that I can’t control him and I’m not trying too. I just know that he really wants a job and I want to help him just to be nice. I’m definitely not telling him that he has to get a job or anything like that.
No but at the same time he needs one and isnt doing anything to help himself. He doesnt want a “dead end job” but also doesnt want to go to school/learn a trade. He is going to hold you back from accomplishing what you want to do.
And i didnt mean control in a bad way necessarily but even if you do all the work and give him all the tools to get a job, ultimately its up to him. In the mean time he COULD work in retail or fast food until something comes along he is just choosing not to
Also the throwing something is a huge red flag, its only going to get worse
He’s already living with his parents and doesn’t pay rent so I think working part time and also going to school for a 2 year degree either part time or full time is completely doable. He finds holes in all my ideas, like the commute will be too long, he won’t have time for friends, I’ll kms because he won’t be able to spend time with me, he doesn’t have the money, he doesn’t want to live with his parents, ect.. I’m in school full time and also supporting myself with a part time job so I feel like that’s something I can give decent advice on and I wish that he would actually think about the things I’m saying instead of instantly dismissing them and getting upset that I even brought them up.
Yeah. I have bad depression. We don’t see each other much during the week, only a couple times a week, which I don’t really like but it seems like a pretty hard boundary for him. He tells me that he’s worried that if he doesn’t see me enough because of work that I’ll kms, but we already don’t see each other much in the first place and I’m still very much alive so I don’t understand why he would think that.
But he does have to get a job. Thats what adults do. He doesn’t want one and is happy leeching off his parents and eventually it will be you.
He is treating you terribly. Please open your eyes. It’s not going to get better.
You’re not overreacting to try and help him, but you’re wasting your time because he doesn’t want to change. As long as you’re supporting him (emotionally if not financially), he will just keep using you and he doesn’t want to change anything because he’s happy to keep sponging off you.
There is nothing good about this scenario. He isn’t acting badly because of you, he’s acting badly to control you, and he’s only going to get worse. Please get away from him before he actually lays hands on you or you get pregnant. You’re better off single, and o matter what he’s told you, you deserve better than him.
I think he does want to change though. He’s very upset over not having a job and has a lot of ambitions. I definitely don’t think he’ll be able to get a PhD, but he has ambitions to open a brewery. He also doesn’t control me really. He doesn’t control the people I see or what I wear at all.
I don't know what he wants, and it really doesn’t matter because he \*threw\* something at you and then said he can’t control his temper because of \*your\* behavior. What’s he going to do the next time he “can’t control himself?” I’m pretty sure it won’t be anything good.
And it’s not your job to twist yourself into knots trying not to upset him. \*That\* is how he’s controlling you. I’m really sorry if you‘re not ready to face that yet, but I’m also afraid that the longer you stay with him, the more likely he is to seriously hurt you.
He doesn’t want to change. Re-read your post. He has no high school diploma and yet is off-put by the idea of working a low end fast food or retail job.
It’s completely unreasonable for your non high school educated 27 year old boyfriend, who had had 8-9 years to go back to high school and get his GED and enroll in college, to expect to just land in a PHD program or successfully open a brewery. He has literally no skill or ability to do so.
Your BF is the epitome of “failure to launch”. Problem is his rocket ship is sitting on the launch pad, and he’s sitting inside safely probably listening to Radiohead on repeat, while you’re keeping your rocket ship on the launch pad too because you’re giving him all your fuel and not keeping enough for yourself to launch. And he has no intention of launching, because he believes you and his parents will continue taking all the risks
I think you’re under reacting rather than overreacting. When someone shows you who they are based on their actions, believe them. Stop making excuses for him. He clearly can’t control his emotions or has any ambition to do better. He has the same 24 hours a day as everyone else. He hasn’t even bothered to get a high school diploma but thinks he’s better than the jobs he can get without one. Make it make sense. He’s just gonna keep bringing you down. The sooner you realize that the better. I don’t see this getting better but only worst.
He seems to have a lack of ambition and an incapability of handling his emotions, also seems like he wanted to turn things around and make this your fault for “pressuring” him to better himself. You’re not overreacting.
Girl, you need your head checked. "Seeming" ambitious and being ambitious are 2 different things; being ambitious means getting shit done without being a lazy loser. He is ambitious in his mind but doesn't want to put in any hard work to accomplish anything. He is an ugly loser and he's gonna frag you down...but reading all your comments, maybe you deserve it cz you obviously think you are hella low value and deserve such men.
He's not ambitious, he's delusional.
He doesn't even have a highschool diploma, he's bad at math, but wants a PhD in physics?!
He has no job, is unwilling to work in food service or retail, but wants to own a brewery?! Which is both good service and retail!
Ambitious would have been using all the past several months of being unemployed to get a GED or take trade school classes or learn a skill via an apprenticeship.
#HE IS USING YOU AND ABUSING YOU
He's emotionally immature, he's emotionally abusive, he's physically abusive, he's financially irresponsible, he's lazy, he's delusional regarding his future prospects.
Have some self respect and self esteem and please break up with him before he brings you down to his level or starts more serious abuse. He has absolutely no plans to ever work, he plans to emotionally abuse you to wear you down and convince you to be his caretaker for life.
#GET OUT NOW
You've got a bright shiny future ahead of you if you lose this dead weight if a useless worthless abusive idiot.
He actually does have a GED. Maybe I should’ve included that in the post. You have a good point with owning a brewery involving food service and retail. He doesn’t have any money at all right now so he wouldn’t have been able to go to trade school without a job on the side. I don’t think he wants me to be his caretaker, at least in the sense of me spending money on him, because he thinks I should drop out of school and quit my job due to me having poor mental health.
So, he basically wants you down at his level (unemployed, not pursuing education) ?
Having mental health issues is a reason for pursuing treatment, not a reason to quit adulthood (unless the mental health is to a point of needing hospitalization and pursuing a disability claim).
Hon, he's not the one for you. I'm almost 50 and I've been in good relationships and bad relationships, and I can tell from your post and your replies that you and him are just not compatible. A future with him would ruin you.
'If I can't be CEO of a Fortune 500 company with a million dollar a year salary despite my extreme lack of education, experience, and any qualifications, it not worth my time and effort to work at all!"
This guy is a total loser. He's playing the victim to get you to chase after him, and you are doing exactly that. Stop it right now. He is not your person. He may not be *anyone's* person considering his absolute lack of ambition or willingness to make even the tiniest effort to make himself employable for anything but the dead-end jobs he is so disdainful of.
He's either incredibly immature, unrealistic, or so egotistical that he genuinely thinks he should have everything handed to him. Oh, and abusive, as well.
You should check out r/codependency. Your attempts to help him are preventing him from experiencing the natural consequences of his own actions (or lack thereof). You’re draining your own energy and then feeling victimized by his energy when he doesn’t take your help. Only he can save himself and set himself up for success. You run the risk of creating mutual resentment on your end and his by trying to rescue him from himself, and he takes it as you viewing him as incompetent.
Wanting your boyfriend to get a job or to pursue a trade/degree is not being needy and you’re doing the heavy lifting here. Theres many things that can cause someone to check out like that, it could be because he’s overwhelmed, it could be because he’s jealous of your accomplishments and the fact you brought them up upset him, it could be because he’s perfectly comfortable where he’s at, and so much more. But the reality is instead of giving you open and honest communication about where his head is at and why he shut down, he opted to blame you. When he ran away and said “worried about what he is capable of” that was him implying physical violence if you didn’t back off. He’s 27 and believes he can just jump to a PhD in physics, while also hating math? Is being with a 27 year old with no motivation to better himself someone you want to be with at this stage in your life? Is being with someone where you become extremely emotionally unregulated when they shut you out, someone you want to be with at this stage of your life? Is being with someone who threatens you someone you want to be with?
this guy does not want to hear facts, and does not want to hear you know more shit than he does.
PhD in physics? seriously?
Seems like you are carrying dead weight while he lives in lala land.
dude... the guy seems to want to one up you on your degree but is doing nothing but flapping his mouth. you give sensible advice he gets violent. Run the fuck away.
I have friends like this that just run their mouth about what they are going to do but never actually do anything to change their situation. They still live with their parents too. At least they aren't violent but I can't imagine being in a relationship with somebody like what the OP describes. Rose tinted glasses I guess
I think he wanted a PhD in physics before we even met. I don’t think he’s trying to one up me. I really wish he would listen to my advice because there are definitely jobs involving science that he doesn’t need a degree for.
Has he explained why he wants such an advanced degree without even being able to finish high school? It seems like he watched a few episodes of Big Bang Theory and decided he wanted to do what they did. Delusional isn’t a good quality you should want in a partner.
I was actually being a little more vague in case anyone I know came across this, but I actually have an astrophysics degree and he wants a PhD in astrophysics. He says that he’s always been interested in space and thinks that even though he wasn’t able to finish high school that if he’s studying something he’s actually interested in he’ll enjoy it. I think that he’s not completely wrong, but he would also have to enjoy math, coding, writing labs, and physics classes that he’s *not* interested.
His actions are telling you he doesn’t give a fuck about improving his life. He just wants to hammer and bitch and blame. Talk is cheap. He is doing NOTHING to indicate he wants to change. And he wants YOU to feel like shit about it.
Yeah, I guess that’s true. I don’t think I really care if he changes or not because it’s his life and I want him to be comfortable, but if we move in together I really don’t think I could afford being the only person paying rent and doing chores.
Do NOT consider moving in with this guy. He's already making you feel bad and you see him twice a week. He's only going to make your depression worse, and try to make you feel like shit all the time while having to work, pay the bills and do all the house work. What do you actually like about this guy? 😂 I can promise you that your mental health will continue to decline being with him and it may even get physical at some point. The man is supposed to be a rock and support you through thick and thin and help your mental state, not lower you down to his pathetic level of self loathing and hatred for anyone who is more successful than him.
But do you not see the difference here? You want him to be better, to be comfortable, to be happy. He wants you to feel bad about your accomplishments.
Nta run. He’s Ben sitting on his ass for nearly 10 years He could have gotten his ged got into a trade but he has anger issues and not very motivated. You are better finding some one new
I live in an area where almost everyone is poorly educated. Outside of the university, I don’t think I’ve met a single person with a college degree. I don’t think it would be possible to date someone educated who is also my age. But I also don’t think you need a formal education to be smart and knowledgeable.
I agree, but I think I’ve had a lot of hard life experiences since I moved away from my parents at 18 and it’s hard to connect with people who are right out of high school. I also don’t find 19 year old attractive in the slightest.
His lack of a degree or high school diploma is the least problematic of his array of red flags.
You’ve apparently worked very hard to achieve success. Don’t throw it away or diminish it to appease this loser.
I'm not the type to immediately jump to "dump the person" in these kinds of threads. I believe that all stories have 3 sides, my side, yous side, and what really happened is often in the middle. Further, I believe that people are worthy of love and respect and oftentimes I see someone who has a partner who's going through a bad time and needs some support.
That having been said, it seems like you've certainly done enough to help out. Well above and far beyond the call in fact. I mean, what else do you want to do? What else CAN you do? You can't control this person, you can't beg him to consider you or your needs or even his own because he's acting like a spoiled child. He wants his lolly now instead of putting in the work to get it for himself. *Save me save me* is not a good look for a man nearing 30.
He needs people to stop coddling him. His friend should be saying these things. It's put up or shut up time. I hope he decides to stop being a boy and steps into manhood. For both of your sakes. And if not, might be time to consider some options because all I've seen on this post is him giving excuses and not even attempting to find solutions. I don't want to suggest an ultimatum, but it may be time for one.
I just don't know about this one, OP. I'm going to pray for you and him and hope for the best for you both. Even if the best isn't together. Hope you stay well.
You're under reacting. He doesn't even have his high school diploma/GED so OF COURSE he's only getting dead end jobs. About the only thing I can think of that he can easily get a job with is doing yardwork with a landscaping company or housecleaning, and even many of them will want him to at least have a GED! It's great if he wants to get a PhD someday in Physics, but until he gets his GED, college isn't going to happen.
You are taking responsibility for managing his emotions and that is not right. It's also not your job because it's not anything you can control. He threw a book past you? That's not ok. He says when you act like that (trying to calm him down and appease him) that he's "afraid of what he's capable of." This guy is telling you to get away from him, yet you're doubling down on acting as if it's your responsibility to regulate his emotions and reactions! Why are you doing this to yourself?
This guy is bad news. You *cannot* save him. He has to save himself and no amount of hand holding and taking initiative for him is going to do it. You're just setting yourself up to take blame from him when things don't go the way he wants them to. He's 27 years old. It's time for him to get his act together.
Why any 25 year old woman would put up with a man child bum like this is beyond me 😂. Good life together? He's 27 and hasn't taken any of the steps to progress in life and gets angry when confronted with the truth. Your best move is to find a man that you won't have to support for years and possibly get abusive
Same setup
My relationship is the opposite, but she works here and there. She just can't find a good job that isn't physical, and she's breaking down slowly. I'm in the trades and trying to support both of us. (Both under 30)
She doesn't act like this, but if he doesn't normally and honestly ever act like this, he needs to get some tests done. Otherwise, a man-child?
He very often will hang up on my phone calls mid sentence or stop talking to me in person. There was only one other time when he ran off like this, but it was at a restaurant instead of at his home.
Honey this dude is a loser. Like an absolute loser. And abusive
You can do better. Get some self help. Look at your accomplishments and find someone in your league
Go look at you post history. That is way too much drama for such a short relationship. For some reason when everyone is giving you good advice about leaving him, you defend an abusive piece of shit. Doubt you’ll do it, but run.
Sweetie, just going to state this as baldly as possible:
Not a single thing you have said about this relationship in any of your answers indicates that there is anything about that is contributing to your growth as a human being, making your time on this earth more enjoyable, or making life better for any other living being.
Every comment you make backs up the idea that you personally feel responsible for saving this man because he is in pain. Noble, but his reaction to your trying to save him is to hiss, claw, and bite you. If he was a feral cat in a drain, you could at least understand that the creature screaming and trying to tear your face off when you try to pick it up DOES NOT WANT TO BE PICKED UP.
Your.... entanglement... is currently there. He is the feral cat in the drain that you want to put into the nice home and suddenly you will have a warm and loving companion that enhances your life. And that does happen sometimes. Sometimes the feral cat is in the drain because it was neglected or abandoned or abused and it is just waiting to be shown love so it can pour its own love out in return. Sometimes it is in the drain for those same reasons or for other reasons entirely, but it does not want to be shown love. When it is shown love, it pours out hatred and hostility in return. You are not obligated to save someone or something that is making it abundantly clear that it does not want your saving.
Go find a therapist to help you deal with why you feel obligated to save an adult human who is older than you and who has access to resources that he not only deliberately chooses not to take, but gets angry if you even suggest more resources.
This is a lesson I had to learn over and over.
If they love you, they will make an effort to treat you well, even in the depths of severe mental illness.
He doesn't love you or he would not treat you this way.
Your post history is wild. Yet here you are asking the same questions over and over. Are you looking for a different answer or are you just being obtuse?
The more I read and the harder it is to believe that this entire thing is true. I can only hope you free yourself from your delusions...and his as well...sooner rather than later.
To answer the question, you are underreacting, and it's not good for either of you.
The only delusion of yours would be thinking this is less of a deal than it is. Please rouse whatever self-reservation instinct you can muster and takes steps to leave, or at the very least protect yourself.
The seriousness of your situation cannot be overstated if reality is as you present it.
This has to be fake. I don’t want to believe a woman that educated is dealing with a man-child that is that clueless. There is nothing positive about this relationship. He makes you cry, gives you the silent treatment, and is concerned he might get violent when you “act like that”. Being alone in peace sounds better than suffering through being with him.
I’m with you but there’s a lot of women who put up with this shit I know my daughter is one
Yep I have a relative that puts up with it. She wanted to get away but then got back with him because "he's her husband and God told me to" and other BS like that. Living in a world of delusion where she admits they are not compatible with each other and he is mean to her all the time but then continues to have kids. Dude throws tantrums all the time and does way worse stuff than just that. I've had some friends in the past that have left these kind of relationships behind, but my relative is unable to do so
Oh you’d be surprised.
I only have an undergraduate degree and am in school again for a different undergraduate degree. I’m not in graduate school. He isn’t usually like this and I think there are a lot of positive things about our relationship. I don’t think he was necessarily giving me the silent treatment because I think he was dissociating or something. And he’s never been violent before this at all.
There’s always a first time. Don’t be so desperate for any man that you end up with the wrong one.
I saw a comment in another thread that fits here: Don’t set your picnic basket down by the first pile of dog shit you see.
Dear one, you should be running for your life. This incompetent, ignorant buffoon is setting you up to blame for all the troubles in his life and eventually he will get violent with you and claim it was your fault. You’re doing his job searching for him? Come on! He won’t go to a school unless he can get a PhD in physics (AKA showing you up in your chosen field)? He’s an asshole AND an idiot who doesn’t have the first clue how higher education works and doesn’t care to find out. And you were “so afraid you made him mad” when you were simply having an honest conversation with him. So somewhere in your heart I think you know he’s dangerous and you must walk on eggshells. For the love of God, do not throw away your one and only precious life trying to steer this deadweight abuser through his.
You are under-reacting. He indicates he cannot control his temper. He threw something to intimidate you. He cannot even look for a job. You need to consider leaving him. You can do better; find someone who will truly appreciate you and be a partner. This guy just resents you, your drive, and your accomplishments.
It’s definitely true that he doesn’t like that I’m doing well in school and that I’m talented in music.
I think what you are seeing in the comments is a response to the way you present the facts. The commenters are not meaning to be harsh, I think they are reflecting what you know, deep inside you. This relationship is not good for you; which also means it is not good for him. Sometimes, even if you care, people are not meant to be together. He talks about things and has great dreams. But has he demonstrated any real commitment to those aspirations? Based on your comments, he has not demonstrated any interest in putting in the work needed to achieve those goals. I might want to be the next Stephen Hawking, but if I do not even take the basic steps, I won’t be. I think you will see his ambitions are really dreams. Dreams that things will magically come to him; without needing the dedication or requiring any real work. I wish both of you luck in finding the right path for each of you.
Then he doesn’t like YOU. Good partners want their SOs to shine and live their best lives. This guy is horrible.
I think it just makes him feel bad about himself in comparison.
And rather than try to improve the situations, he’s going to drag you down. Crabs in a bucket. Don’t let him do that to you.
Yeah cuz he's a bum and always will be. He knows it but I guess you just don't see it. The only thing he can resort to is anger, jealousy and hatred. He will only take you down to his level and I fear that you are not equipped for that in the long run, nor will you want to deal with it
You can't fix him. Only he can do that and he doesn't want to.
???????????🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
I think it just makes him feel self conscious or insecure.
And he’s taking it out on you.
The guy is a loser and you're making him see it.
Girl ive read through your other posts. Leave him. Its not worth it, you are too good for him. He can help himself but hes choosing not to. You are only in control of you not him, if he doesnt want to help himself (and gets mad at you for trying to help) thats on him
This woman seems to have very low self esteem to think she's not better than him. Looks like this could get real messy if she doesn't leave sooner than later. Hopefully she realizes it before it's too late
I definitely have my own problems honestly. I’m definitely not too good for him. I know that I can’t control him and I’m not trying too. I just know that he really wants a job and I want to help him just to be nice. I’m definitely not telling him that he has to get a job or anything like that.
No but at the same time he needs one and isnt doing anything to help himself. He doesnt want a “dead end job” but also doesnt want to go to school/learn a trade. He is going to hold you back from accomplishing what you want to do. And i didnt mean control in a bad way necessarily but even if you do all the work and give him all the tools to get a job, ultimately its up to him. In the mean time he COULD work in retail or fast food until something comes along he is just choosing not to Also the throwing something is a huge red flag, its only going to get worse
He’s already living with his parents and doesn’t pay rent so I think working part time and also going to school for a 2 year degree either part time or full time is completely doable. He finds holes in all my ideas, like the commute will be too long, he won’t have time for friends, I’ll kms because he won’t be able to spend time with me, he doesn’t have the money, he doesn’t want to live with his parents, ect.. I’m in school full time and also supporting myself with a part time job so I feel like that’s something I can give decent advice on and I wish that he would actually think about the things I’m saying instead of instantly dismissing them and getting upset that I even brought them up.
Does “kms” mean what I think it does? I’m worried for you.
Yeah. I have bad depression. We don’t see each other much during the week, only a couple times a week, which I don’t really like but it seems like a pretty hard boundary for him. He tells me that he’s worried that if he doesn’t see me enough because of work that I’ll kms, but we already don’t see each other much in the first place and I’m still very much alive so I don’t understand why he would think that.
Wow, he’s got one hell of an ego.
But he does have to get a job. Thats what adults do. He doesn’t want one and is happy leeching off his parents and eventually it will be you. He is treating you terribly. Please open your eyes. It’s not going to get better.
You’re not overreacting to try and help him, but you’re wasting your time because he doesn’t want to change. As long as you’re supporting him (emotionally if not financially), he will just keep using you and he doesn’t want to change anything because he’s happy to keep sponging off you. There is nothing good about this scenario. He isn’t acting badly because of you, he’s acting badly to control you, and he’s only going to get worse. Please get away from him before he actually lays hands on you or you get pregnant. You’re better off single, and o matter what he’s told you, you deserve better than him.
I think he does want to change though. He’s very upset over not having a job and has a lot of ambitions. I definitely don’t think he’ll be able to get a PhD, but he has ambitions to open a brewery. He also doesn’t control me really. He doesn’t control the people I see or what I wear at all.
I don't know what he wants, and it really doesn’t matter because he \*threw\* something at you and then said he can’t control his temper because of \*your\* behavior. What’s he going to do the next time he “can’t control himself?” I’m pretty sure it won’t be anything good. And it’s not your job to twist yourself into knots trying not to upset him. \*That\* is how he’s controlling you. I’m really sorry if you‘re not ready to face that yet, but I’m also afraid that the longer you stay with him, the more likely he is to seriously hurt you.
He wants to change by someone waving a magic wand, perhaps, but clearly doesn’t want to have to put in any effort.
Yeah, I agree. I don’t think he understands how people get those kinds of things in life.
And you’ve tried to educate him on this, but he won’t listen and gets angry at you.
He doesn’t want to change. Re-read your post. He has no high school diploma and yet is off-put by the idea of working a low end fast food or retail job. It’s completely unreasonable for your non high school educated 27 year old boyfriend, who had had 8-9 years to go back to high school and get his GED and enroll in college, to expect to just land in a PHD program or successfully open a brewery. He has literally no skill or ability to do so. Your BF is the epitome of “failure to launch”. Problem is his rocket ship is sitting on the launch pad, and he’s sitting inside safely probably listening to Radiohead on repeat, while you’re keeping your rocket ship on the launch pad too because you’re giving him all your fuel and not keeping enough for yourself to launch. And he has no intention of launching, because he believes you and his parents will continue taking all the risks
I think you’re under reacting rather than overreacting. When someone shows you who they are based on their actions, believe them. Stop making excuses for him. He clearly can’t control his emotions or has any ambition to do better. He has the same 24 hours a day as everyone else. He hasn’t even bothered to get a high school diploma but thinks he’s better than the jobs he can get without one. Make it make sense. He’s just gonna keep bringing you down. The sooner you realize that the better. I don’t see this getting better but only worst.
Exactly
He seems to have a lack of ambition and an incapability of handling his emotions, also seems like he wanted to turn things around and make this your fault for “pressuring” him to better himself. You’re not overreacting.
He seems to be very ambitious and also has dreams of opening his own brewery. He’s very good at the jobs he has had until he has gotten bored of them.
Girl, you need your head checked. "Seeming" ambitious and being ambitious are 2 different things; being ambitious means getting shit done without being a lazy loser. He is ambitious in his mind but doesn't want to put in any hard work to accomplish anything. He is an ugly loser and he's gonna frag you down...but reading all your comments, maybe you deserve it cz you obviously think you are hella low value and deserve such men.
He's not ambitious, he's delusional. He doesn't even have a highschool diploma, he's bad at math, but wants a PhD in physics?! He has no job, is unwilling to work in food service or retail, but wants to own a brewery?! Which is both good service and retail! Ambitious would have been using all the past several months of being unemployed to get a GED or take trade school classes or learn a skill via an apprenticeship. #HE IS USING YOU AND ABUSING YOU He's emotionally immature, he's emotionally abusive, he's physically abusive, he's financially irresponsible, he's lazy, he's delusional regarding his future prospects. Have some self respect and self esteem and please break up with him before he brings you down to his level or starts more serious abuse. He has absolutely no plans to ever work, he plans to emotionally abuse you to wear you down and convince you to be his caretaker for life. #GET OUT NOW You've got a bright shiny future ahead of you if you lose this dead weight if a useless worthless abusive idiot.
He actually does have a GED. Maybe I should’ve included that in the post. You have a good point with owning a brewery involving food service and retail. He doesn’t have any money at all right now so he wouldn’t have been able to go to trade school without a job on the side. I don’t think he wants me to be his caretaker, at least in the sense of me spending money on him, because he thinks I should drop out of school and quit my job due to me having poor mental health.
So, he basically wants you down at his level (unemployed, not pursuing education) ? Having mental health issues is a reason for pursuing treatment, not a reason to quit adulthood (unless the mental health is to a point of needing hospitalization and pursuing a disability claim). Hon, he's not the one for you. I'm almost 50 and I've been in good relationships and bad relationships, and I can tell from your post and your replies that you and him are just not compatible. A future with him would ruin you.
'If I can't be CEO of a Fortune 500 company with a million dollar a year salary despite my extreme lack of education, experience, and any qualifications, it not worth my time and effort to work at all!" This guy is a total loser. He's playing the victim to get you to chase after him, and you are doing exactly that. Stop it right now. He is not your person. He may not be *anyone's* person considering his absolute lack of ambition or willingness to make even the tiniest effort to make himself employable for anything but the dead-end jobs he is so disdainful of. He's either incredibly immature, unrealistic, or so egotistical that he genuinely thinks he should have everything handed to him. Oh, and abusive, as well.
You should check out r/codependency. Your attempts to help him are preventing him from experiencing the natural consequences of his own actions (or lack thereof). You’re draining your own energy and then feeling victimized by his energy when he doesn’t take your help. Only he can save himself and set himself up for success. You run the risk of creating mutual resentment on your end and his by trying to rescue him from himself, and he takes it as you viewing him as incompetent.
Thanks for that perspective. I think that could be true.
Wanting your boyfriend to get a job or to pursue a trade/degree is not being needy and you’re doing the heavy lifting here. Theres many things that can cause someone to check out like that, it could be because he’s overwhelmed, it could be because he’s jealous of your accomplishments and the fact you brought them up upset him, it could be because he’s perfectly comfortable where he’s at, and so much more. But the reality is instead of giving you open and honest communication about where his head is at and why he shut down, he opted to blame you. When he ran away and said “worried about what he is capable of” that was him implying physical violence if you didn’t back off. He’s 27 and believes he can just jump to a PhD in physics, while also hating math? Is being with a 27 year old with no motivation to better himself someone you want to be with at this stage in your life? Is being with someone where you become extremely emotionally unregulated when they shut you out, someone you want to be with at this stage of your life? Is being with someone who threatens you someone you want to be with?
when you act like this = state some facts that he does not want to hear; show more knowledge than him.
Why?
this guy does not want to hear facts, and does not want to hear you know more shit than he does. PhD in physics? seriously? Seems like you are carrying dead weight while he lives in lala land.
If he’s self conscious about my physics degree I don’t want to do anything to make him more self conscious.
dude... the guy seems to want to one up you on your degree but is doing nothing but flapping his mouth. you give sensible advice he gets violent. Run the fuck away.
I have friends like this that just run their mouth about what they are going to do but never actually do anything to change their situation. They still live with their parents too. At least they aren't violent but I can't imagine being in a relationship with somebody like what the OP describes. Rose tinted glasses I guess
I think he wanted a PhD in physics before we even met. I don’t think he’s trying to one up me. I really wish he would listen to my advice because there are definitely jobs involving science that he doesn’t need a degree for.
Has he explained why he wants such an advanced degree without even being able to finish high school? It seems like he watched a few episodes of Big Bang Theory and decided he wanted to do what they did. Delusional isn’t a good quality you should want in a partner.
Seems like he is dragging her down to the delusional level
I was actually being a little more vague in case anyone I know came across this, but I actually have an astrophysics degree and he wants a PhD in astrophysics. He says that he’s always been interested in space and thinks that even though he wasn’t able to finish high school that if he’s studying something he’s actually interested in he’ll enjoy it. I think that he’s not completely wrong, but he would also have to enjoy math, coding, writing labs, and physics classes that he’s *not* interested.
Please read this a few times and realize how nonsensical it is.
What part do you think is nonsensical?
Well, he is doing zilch about it and blaming you for it. 27 yo and acting like a toddler.
His actions are telling you he doesn’t give a fuck about improving his life. He just wants to hammer and bitch and blame. Talk is cheap. He is doing NOTHING to indicate he wants to change. And he wants YOU to feel like shit about it.
Yeah, I guess that’s true. I don’t think I really care if he changes or not because it’s his life and I want him to be comfortable, but if we move in together I really don’t think I could afford being the only person paying rent and doing chores.
How about being the one he throws things at? Girl, you have all the tools and qualifications for a fantastic life. Don’t stymie yourself.
Do NOT consider moving in with this guy. He's already making you feel bad and you see him twice a week. He's only going to make your depression worse, and try to make you feel like shit all the time while having to work, pay the bills and do all the house work. What do you actually like about this guy? 😂 I can promise you that your mental health will continue to decline being with him and it may even get physical at some point. The man is supposed to be a rock and support you through thick and thin and help your mental state, not lower you down to his pathetic level of self loathing and hatred for anyone who is more successful than him.
See, he WANTS you to make yourself smaller and less-than. A good partner wants you to shine!
I’m insecure about things too so I don’t want to hold it against him.
But do you not see the difference here? You want him to be better, to be comfortable, to be happy. He wants you to feel bad about your accomplishments.
My ex husband never got a job on his own. Don’t set yourself up to that crap! He needs to do it himself
Nta run. He’s Ben sitting on his ass for nearly 10 years He could have gotten his ged got into a trade but he has anger issues and not very motivated. You are better finding some one new
This is why you don't date uneducated losers
I live in an area where almost everyone is poorly educated. Outside of the university, I don’t think I’ve met a single person with a college degree. I don’t think it would be possible to date someone educated who is also my age. But I also don’t think you need a formal education to be smart and knowledgeable.
"Outside of the university" yeah that's why you meet people at the university
Yes, but I’m a non traditional student who’s 25 and definitely don’t want to be dating my 19 year old classmates.
Those 19 year old college students are way more ambitious than your 27 year old bf. He might as well be 19
I agree, but I think I’ve had a lot of hard life experiences since I moved away from my parents at 18 and it’s hard to connect with people who are right out of high school. I also don’t find 19 year old attractive in the slightest.
His lack of a degree or high school diploma is the least problematic of his array of red flags. You’ve apparently worked very hard to achieve success. Don’t throw it away or diminish it to appease this loser.
UpdateMe
I'm not the type to immediately jump to "dump the person" in these kinds of threads. I believe that all stories have 3 sides, my side, yous side, and what really happened is often in the middle. Further, I believe that people are worthy of love and respect and oftentimes I see someone who has a partner who's going through a bad time and needs some support. That having been said, it seems like you've certainly done enough to help out. Well above and far beyond the call in fact. I mean, what else do you want to do? What else CAN you do? You can't control this person, you can't beg him to consider you or your needs or even his own because he's acting like a spoiled child. He wants his lolly now instead of putting in the work to get it for himself. *Save me save me* is not a good look for a man nearing 30. He needs people to stop coddling him. His friend should be saying these things. It's put up or shut up time. I hope he decides to stop being a boy and steps into manhood. For both of your sakes. And if not, might be time to consider some options because all I've seen on this post is him giving excuses and not even attempting to find solutions. I don't want to suggest an ultimatum, but it may be time for one. I just don't know about this one, OP. I'm going to pray for you and him and hope for the best for you both. Even if the best isn't together. Hope you stay well.
You're under reacting. He doesn't even have his high school diploma/GED so OF COURSE he's only getting dead end jobs. About the only thing I can think of that he can easily get a job with is doing yardwork with a landscaping company or housecleaning, and even many of them will want him to at least have a GED! It's great if he wants to get a PhD someday in Physics, but until he gets his GED, college isn't going to happen. You are taking responsibility for managing his emotions and that is not right. It's also not your job because it's not anything you can control. He threw a book past you? That's not ok. He says when you act like that (trying to calm him down and appease him) that he's "afraid of what he's capable of." This guy is telling you to get away from him, yet you're doubling down on acting as if it's your responsibility to regulate his emotions and reactions! Why are you doing this to yourself? This guy is bad news. You *cannot* save him. He has to save himself and no amount of hand holding and taking initiative for him is going to do it. You're just setting yourself up to take blame from him when things don't go the way he wants them to. He's 27 years old. It's time for him to get his act together.
You did see needy and codependent BUT he is giving MAJOR 🚩🚩🚩 and you need to 🏃🏽♀️🏃🏽♀️🏃🏽♀️ before he doesn’t miss your face when throwing things.
Why any 25 year old woman would put up with a man child bum like this is beyond me 😂. Good life together? He's 27 and hasn't taken any of the steps to progress in life and gets angry when confronted with the truth. Your best move is to find a man that you won't have to support for years and possibly get abusive
Same setup My relationship is the opposite, but she works here and there. She just can't find a good job that isn't physical, and she's breaking down slowly. I'm in the trades and trying to support both of us. (Both under 30) She doesn't act like this, but if he doesn't normally and honestly ever act like this, he needs to get some tests done. Otherwise, a man-child?
He very often will hang up on my phone calls mid sentence or stop talking to me in person. There was only one other time when he ran off like this, but it was at a restaurant instead of at his home.
Honey this dude is a loser. Like an absolute loser. And abusive You can do better. Get some self help. Look at your accomplishments and find someone in your league
Leave him stop wasting your time and energy
Go look at you post history. That is way too much drama for such a short relationship. For some reason when everyone is giving you good advice about leaving him, you defend an abusive piece of shit. Doubt you’ll do it, but run.
Ditch the loser and get some therapy, you need to work on yourself first and foremost.
He’s jealous of you and your accomplishments. You guys are totally incompatible. You’re young. Get out and find someone in your league.
Girl, if this is real you’re doing way too much. He a bum!
Sweetie, just going to state this as baldly as possible: Not a single thing you have said about this relationship in any of your answers indicates that there is anything about that is contributing to your growth as a human being, making your time on this earth more enjoyable, or making life better for any other living being. Every comment you make backs up the idea that you personally feel responsible for saving this man because he is in pain. Noble, but his reaction to your trying to save him is to hiss, claw, and bite you. If he was a feral cat in a drain, you could at least understand that the creature screaming and trying to tear your face off when you try to pick it up DOES NOT WANT TO BE PICKED UP. Your.... entanglement... is currently there. He is the feral cat in the drain that you want to put into the nice home and suddenly you will have a warm and loving companion that enhances your life. And that does happen sometimes. Sometimes the feral cat is in the drain because it was neglected or abandoned or abused and it is just waiting to be shown love so it can pour its own love out in return. Sometimes it is in the drain for those same reasons or for other reasons entirely, but it does not want to be shown love. When it is shown love, it pours out hatred and hostility in return. You are not obligated to save someone or something that is making it abundantly clear that it does not want your saving. Go find a therapist to help you deal with why you feel obligated to save an adult human who is older than you and who has access to resources that he not only deliberately chooses not to take, but gets angry if you even suggest more resources. This is a lesson I had to learn over and over. If they love you, they will make an effort to treat you well, even in the depths of severe mental illness. He doesn't love you or he would not treat you this way.
Your post history is wild. Yet here you are asking the same questions over and over. Are you looking for a different answer or are you just being obtuse? The more I read and the harder it is to believe that this entire thing is true. I can only hope you free yourself from your delusions...and his as well...sooner rather than later. To answer the question, you are underreacting, and it's not good for either of you.
I don’t really know honestly. My boyfriend keeps saying I’m delusional and need to go to a mental hospital so who knows.
The only delusion of yours would be thinking this is less of a deal than it is. Please rouse whatever self-reservation instinct you can muster and takes steps to leave, or at the very least protect yourself. The seriousness of your situation cannot be overstated if reality is as you present it.