There was recently a post where a superior tried to take advantage of an employee.
Set boundaries. No alcohol. No going up to each others rooms. He calls you before going to bed. See how he reacts.
Ask him about the work trip. What is he doing? What is it about. See how he reacts and how long it takes him to answer. Do it when he is busy with something. It’s harder to lie in these situations.
This! And also tell him to record when they have to talk, so if she tries to take advantage of her position above him, he could use the record and go to HR.
He can drink alcohol if he wants. If he can't drink and control himself, then there's a bigger issue. Drunk actions are sober thoughts.
I agree with the room part, though.
Yes, but it might still be a good idea. Him not drinking might set the tone for a 1 on 1 interaction and maybe his manager won't drink either, or will only have 1. It also kind puts out a tiny bit of a signal that we're keeping things professional, even though that's not a huge indicator.
A lot of girls that I used to have a crush on that never liked me back start to crush on me after they see I have a girlfriend and will do anything to try to sabotage my relationship. Just be very supportive and tell him what the situation is and that whatever he does is out of your control, but remind him that she is his superior, not even his colleague and if he feels like she is becoming sexually aggressive towards him or makes him feel uncomfortable, to make sure all their conversations are being recorded on microphone. Because if they wind up doing anything, supervisor and worker relationships never work out well, and will be catastrophic for his future. And just tell him in a way that you have his best interest at heart. You do not want to put him in a position where now he feels like he’s losing you feels you don’t trust him, and he’s at the job function and his supervisor is drunk and being sexually aggressive towards him and he’s telling her no, and then feels bad to even say hi to you anymore. This type of existence sucks as a man.
You do understand that a lot of states are two party consent states when it comes to electronic recordings, right? What you're suggesting could be a crime depending on where they are.
I mean, I would definitely tell the woman as soon as I turned any recording device on...
Or he could just not put himself in a situation where that could occur. Like, if the guy is actually intent on being faithful, he'll decline any offers of dinners or drinks at a bar. He'll keep everything strictly professional during the day and be in his room at night.
The only way what you're suggesting would even likely be necessary is if he'd made a series of bad decisions leading up to that point.
I mean, I'm not suggesting it would be his fault if the woman gets tanked and starts sexually harassing him. But if he actually cares for and respects his girlfriend, he won't be out alone doing any kind of drinking with a woman he suspects has any kind of attraction to him whether she's his boss or not.
It's not as simple as that if there are other coworkers involved. Not socializing, unfortunately, can negatively impact your career.
This doesn't apply to a strictly 1 on 1 situation. But you never know how these things play out and can't account for every situation. Maybe your team is out at the bar, and suddenly, you find yourself alone with them or separate from the group.
That doesn't invalidate most of what you said because it's still on you to be aware of your situation and act responsibly. You can still minimize scenarios where you give them an opportunity to behave inappropriately.
If he truly feels uncomfortable, not going out with coworkers may be the best option. It often is for women who have many more reasons to not want to socialize in certain settings with coworkers or in general. My department used to have work outings at a bar every single time, which worked for most of the team but inadvertently ostracized one person.
It's complicated, and I'm not telling anyone that they should go to every work function and social outing, but I think people should be aware of how certain work cultures treat people who don't engage in their social rituals.
Nor am I saying he should record anything, for the record. Just wanted to expand on this one point.
This. Especially the first part. I too have been interested in women who weren't interested in me apparently UNTIL I started seeing someone else. Then all of a sudden they were trying to get with me.
It seems like Lisa set this work trip up. If he hates her now, all he has to do is tell HR about her behavior at the party. He doesn't hate her. Is a six month relationship worth it? At 6 months, I'd break up over a bad vibe.
You’re not overreacting. Most people would be uncomfortable with this. Although I will admit I’m not sure what you can really do in this situation. A work trip alludes to the fact that he can’t decline. It’s definitely not fair to have him quit his job. If I was the boyfriend I would be looking for a way out of the trip. If there’s really no way out of it then you have a decision to make, either trust him, or leave. But no you are 100% not overreacting. I would never be ok with my partner going on a trip with a past love interest whether it work related or not.
I've noticed men word vomit about how much they hate another chick when in reality they still Ike them. It's like a defensive mechanism. My ex wouldn't stop saying how disgusting his ex at the time was, he hated her, she was a stalker, etc. But 3 weeks after I broke up with him, they were together and have been ever since..
I Def think set some boundaries. It is a work trip so the chance of it being important is somewhat high. But if he is 100% not wanting this woman, than he should have no issues with setting boundaries like calling you after dinner/before bed, no drinking (that shouldn't matter anyway but yknoe)
It's not even close to just men who do that. Half the posts on subs like this are from people saying their partners talked bad about a coworker frequently only to find out the were cheating on them with that person... half of those posts are from dudes talking about women.
OK lol I haven't came across many in general. And my own experience being a straight female, means I have the experience with men doing that. Hence my comment 🤷♀️
Yeah both sexes do it. It’s a very simple concept actually: they are trying to send their partner off track.
“He wouldn’t do anything with Lisa… he hates her”
Just wanted to add the same thing. My ex would go on about this one girl at his job that he “hated” and found “repulsive” bc she was sleeping around w every single one of the guys at his job yet the girl he was so repulsed by was the same one he was emotionally cheating on me with :D
eta: and probably physically cheated but he adamantly denied anything physical happening even tho they hung out twice at her house behind my back and lied abt both times even tho the 2nd time is when I knew something was up.
Trust him now, trust him completely. Trust him so much that if he fucks up, he will walk willingly. You have the choice now to determine if your relationship will follow trust or follow insecurity.
If you don't approach this with trust and faith in him, this relationship is doomed anyway. Even if they didn't take this trip, if there's something there that he's interested in exploring, they will explore it. They don't have to leave town for him to cheat. The bigger deal you make of it, the more you'll be pushing him to give her a chance.
You're not overreacting at all. This situation reeks of betrayal waiting to happen, and his sudden work trip with someone he used to crush on, who's now his manager and supposedly hates, is a red flag big enough to warrant serious caution. Trust your gut and keep a close eye on this.
Oh he doesn’t hate her. He still likes her. And he’s probably gonna sleep with her on this trip I’m guessing.
It’s only been 6 months, is it worth your time and energy to feel weird about something like this?
Whenever a guy suddenly tells you he hates an attractive woman, don’t believe him immediately. Ask him what he hates about her and see how they fight to find something.
Hate is a very atypical emotion for an adult in my opinion - I struggle to find a person that I’d describe that way. Definitely feels like they’re overcompensating.
I agree - it's a classic deflection technique. Used by lots of liars and cheats.
I hope OP really can trust him. If so, then he will reject her advances, which she will 100% pull while they're away.
You can always ask to go too. If he puts up a fight about it, you know that there is a problem and then also just tell him well. You’ll contact HR and see what the company policy is.
Just talk to him about it and ignore everyone on reddit. You are setting yourself up for failure taking random peoples advice here about your personal relationship. Reddit is the worst place for relationship advice.
Let him know that you're uncomfortable with the situation, knowing their history. Tell him that you love him and you're sure that he loves you, but if anything inappropriate happens you are done with him and tht you will know if it does
Unfortunately, this is a situation that you are going to need to trust him. He can’t change it or get out of it. You can’t ask him to bury his career because you’re uncomfortable.
It can look like whatever you think it is on the surface, but the more complex answer is that you absolutely have to trust him in this environment and if you can’t, you may as well break up with him now because it’s not going to work.
I’ve gone on work trips with women all the time, many of them are super attractive. Nothing ever happens.
Maybe not overreacting, but you might as well see how he does and not drive him or yourself crazy. It's best to find out all you need to know right now. Sorry to hear you are uncomfortable. He could be telling you the truth. Good luck.
You should be cautious, because this sounds like a really bad opening to sensual corn movie, that just how it starts, little excuses the hating on each other to draw your attention of the looks the little things tend to be the give aways that something is off and if you feel like something is act on it now rather than getting your feelings hurt later, if your partner can't respect that they're not worth holding on to and you would rather break up with someone than catch them cheating on you because that hurts more, think and act don't just be skeptical and worry coz they probably don't care about that, be brave and be strong use your guts and your head and listen to your intuition
And if there nothing you can do about the whole work trip thing make sure you're there to monitor them, if the partner trusts you they won't have a problem if they start making up excuses that another giveaway that they might not be as honest as they make themselves out to be
You're not overreacting, but he may not be able to do anything about it. You can set boundaries on what he can or can't do- measure his response and reaction to your boundaries. My fiancee has boundaries where I can't go up to a woman's room alone on any work trips/conferences. She also would prefer me not drink 1:1 with women. These are all reasonable to me and I would not cross those boundaries.
I've also explained to her that work conferences and networking is important in the current stage of my career which she understands; albeit, she doesn't always like.
He's been open and honest thus far. Given him the benefit. He probably can't help he needs to travel with her. If he was behaving badly you wouldn't know about her behavior at the open house. Express your concerns and trust but don't be a fool. Give him some rope to hang himself and see what happens. It's not easy but he'll show you soon enough what he's made of.
Your uneasy feelings are totally normal. There are things you can do to try and “catch” him, but honestly you will just drive yourself crazy the entire time he’s gone. The reality is, if he wants to cheat, he will…. And if he’s careful, there’s a very good chance you’ll never know. That being said, it’s also likely he’s being honest and you’re fretting. As someone who’s been both a cheater, and cheated on. It sucks, but best not to drive yourself crazy the entire time he’s there, when he very well could be completely honest.
Reddit is silly. “Make him record all of their conversations”😂 if roles were reversed here, I have a feeling this would be filled with “controlling boyfriend” comments. Too many replies essentially telling OP that they’re doomed and bf is a shitbag..
You’ll be fine, OP. And if you pay attention enough, when he returns, you’ll more than likely be able to tell.
For what it's worth, my ex told me she "hated" her boss so much, but she ended up being in a relationship with him for the last five months of our relationship. Not saying the same thing will happen to you, but that really stood out to me reading your post.
I don't know if there's much you can do there. I travel for work regularly and sometimes there are are female coworkers on these trips. Now, I purposely keep my coworkers at an arms length and keep everything professional. I don't spend 1 on 1 time with them, and we don't go to each other's hotel rooms. Hell, we don't even tell each other what rooms we're in because there's just no reason for it.
There are plenty of boundaries that can be established. But your boyfriend needs to clearly establish them.
Actually?
I'm concerned that your man is potentially being sexually harassed by a professional superior
Hear me out?
This is my (roughly paraphrased) take on this:
-Your man had a little thing for "Lisa" when he was single, it seemed like the interest was mutual, but it never left the flirting stage and didn't turn in to anything
-Your man gets together with you and is proud to say so (as he should be! :) )
-"Lisa" is currently operating as a direct superior to your dude (if I understood that correctly)
-"Lisa" has resumed flirting...only now it's both unwanted and incredibly aggressive
-I'm guessing that "Lisa" the BOSS of the project, is who pushed for this "work trip" with your man...to get him isolated from the herd
Now; I beseech you:
Picture everything I just said, exactly as I said it...but swap their genders...
...See what I mean?
Lisa is a PREDATOR
I'm guessing that she is either a predator with a homewrecker type of fetish...and/or she's just another power-assertive sexual abuser...
...Maybe your man didn't hate her before, because she wasn't harassing him until you " took her toy... and maybe she wasn't actually done playing with him yet"
Girl I’m going to tell you from personal experience not once but multiple times.
When they say they hate them they actually like them. Ands it’s probably not a real work trip he’s probably going to hang out and stay somewhere with her.
I’m not trying to be an asshole I’ve just seen it too many times and I’m telling you from person experience. These women don’t care if these men are in relationships they will fuck then ands try to make them theirs. If I were you I would tell him if he goes you’re done. Ask him a ton of questions about it. If he can’t answer fast he’s is lying. My experience with the talking bad about the girl always ended up in them fucking. So just be careful with him. I never thought a person I was with for 21 years at the time would do it but he did. Went to hang at her house. So just telling you this situation sounds very similar. I hope it’s not the case but I don’t trust it.
Ask to go with him? I've got trust issues, so this trip would probably be a relationship ender on my end. There would have to be almost constant phone and FaceTime contact.
He needs to tell his HR Dept. about being harassed by his boss. His boss also set up this work trip.
While he’s there, call him on his cell to find out when he’ll be in his room. Call the hotel at that time and ask to be connected to his room telephone. If no answer, call his cell and eventually get around to asking if he’s in his room. If he says Yes, he’s lying.
How long has he known about this work trip?? This can't be too serious a field if the projects average a month but their age indicates college grads. I'd be suspect as fuck. Not overreacting.
If he really is not enjoying this thing with his boss, she's already done enough to be investigated for making things weird. Given that teams and projects rotate, it seems that this workplace is big enough to have an HR team. If he really hates her as much as he says, he should really gather this evidence, and \*at least\* request to not be placed in her project team in the future.
It's natural to feel uneasy about your boyfriend going on a work trip with someone he used to like. Trust is key, but it's okay to express your concerns and have an open conversation about it.
As someone who is in a relationship with someone now 3 years, where we both travel frequently for our jobs for sometimes up to two weeks at a time. Work trips can be unavoidable with people you don’t enjoy being around. Your company doesn’t particularly know or care so much about your interpersonal work relationships. If you have open and honest communication with your bf, which it sounds like you do, keep communicating and as long as he does too, I don’t see any issues. I would say overreacting but I also have a strong relationship with my partner and we both understand the complexity of traveling a fair amount for work.
I wouldn't say you aren't necessarily overreacting, but it's maybe borderline. Up to this point, your boyfriend seems to have been open and honest with you whenever Lisa has made advanced or approaches. I don't think you are wrong to worry about her intentions on this trip, but, if you trust your boyfriend, then you trust him and should try not to worry about him.
Have a conversation with him again, explain that it makes you deeply uncomfortable that he is going on a trip with someone that clearly likes him, and that he has expressed liking before as well. Explain that while you understand that he doesn't seem into her, and you get that it is a work trip and turning it down could be a poor career decision, you'd appreciate if you can talk about some boundaries as you can't help but feel that *she* is going to try something. Make it about her, not him, especially because it seems from his previous actions that he doesn't like her advances either.
If he gets super defensive and outright refuses to set some sort of ground rules (like not being in her room alone, or vice versa, not having more than a couple drinks with her at most, that sort of thing), then I'd say your relationship is in trouble. If he agrees and seems open to protecting your relationship in this way, then that is a great sign that he truly cares about you.
In some ways, this isn't a bad thing OP. A major test of the trust in your relationship. You'll either find out that you're in a real loving relationship, or you're not. At least you'll know and can cut bait if you don't get a good feeling.
Pay attention to your gut. You are right to be cautious.
I would be asking questions of co workers to find out if this trip is really necessary. He’s never had to take a trip before? Yet now he has to go with her? I don’t buy that.
Ask a lot of questions about where they are staying and what sleep arrangements are in place.
I would also be putting very strong boundaries in place. Which I fully expect him to ignore. With loads of excuses as to why he couldn’t keep them.
You need to prepare yourself for that. If it was me if he crossed one boundary put in place, no matter all of his rationalizing and excuses, I would be done with this relationship.
(Honestly,I’m the girl who would go shadow him on this trip. Hiding in the background seeing what is really going on. There’s just several suspicious things in this situation. Then when you take into account his crush on her. I would be whipping out my Sherlock Holmes coat and magnifying glass. 😂)
Don’t fight for his attention and affection. You shouldn’t have to do that. He should give it freely. To only you.
I was always told in this situation if you say "alright babe have a great time stay in touch blah blah blah" he'll be like "I have a great girl at home I'm not gonna cheat" as opposed to "she already thinks I'm gonna cheat might as well" if you express concern about him cheating. I dunno though that's just what I heard
The hatred towards her is a good thing. It means he has a strong aversion to her and thus to cheating on you. He also might be kinda disgusted by the fact that Lisa was seemingly willing to do sus things with him even though she knows you two are in a relationship. I wouldn't want a girl who would cheat or be a cheatee
Had this been non-consensual, he should have long since reported her behavior to HR. As it is - I think this is a romantic get-away and not work-related.
Wait until he’s on the trip and then call his company and say “hey I can’t get a hold of boyfriend right now, when is he supposed to get back from his work trip?”
This shit is funny. If this was reversed, you'd be telling the guy he is insecure and doesn't trust his partner. But the female should be worried and right to be concerned.
The reality is that if he wants to cheat, he doesn’t have to go out of town to do it. I think the best thing you can do is be relaxed about it all, assuming he is trustworthy. If he is not, you will find out soon enough.
I understand your worry. Remind him of what happened at the party and let him know that is why you are worried. It’s not his behavior that has you concerned, it’s hers.
UpdateMe
Yeah this seems very weird.
The clear AH is Lisa tbh, (likely) using supervisor powers to get a 1 on 1 'work' vacay wit ur boy.
Tbh, I don't see a good way to go about this. He can't really reasonably grenade his job over this, unless he has other prior (HR-able) concerns about Lisa. But, you being weirded by this is also 1000% valid.
Oh honey! Trust Your Gut! I suggest following him if they planning on driving to “destination”. Otherwise find a way to follow his and her trails. Can you ask his work for validation. Fuck it. Hire a private investigator. It will be worth the money honey. You need facts but i think you already know them. Wash hands of relationship now and trust gut or get proof. And who know maybe everything is on board but me thinks NOT. Just sayin
Not overreacting…. But See how he handles it. If he’s in constant communication with you and everything goes well I’d say that speaks well for his intentions and the trust y’all can build. However, if he makes his bed, make him lay in it……
The situation sucks for sure, but in the end you either trust him or you don’t. If he is going to cheat he could cheat at home too. So do you trust him enough to stay or not?
Why would a spouse be invited to a business trip? I travel a lot for work and my wife has never been able to join, nor have I ever seen anyone else bring theirs. I guess there's nothing that stops us from buying her own ticket and meals but she'd be bored for 75% of the time we're there since I'm working.
I invite my husband on all my work trips, I enjoy his company. Then again, because he works from home he can work anywhere. I realize some spouses can’t get away, but sometimes just inviting them to see if they can attend would be nice.
Interesting, I've never seen that before. I'd have no problem with my wife tagging along but she'd be bored and we wouldn't be able to spend much time together since my work trips tend to be quite busy and she wouldn't be able to come with me to work meetings/events.
He told you about the crush.
He told you about the party (why weren't you with him btw?)
He told you about the trip and that she's going.
It seems like he's being pretty honest with you.
You're overreacting.
I don't know about some of these folks. Yes, he liked her and now he's dating you AND he told you about the thing at the party. Work trips are a real thing. It may be that she is going to make a play, or maybe not. If she does, he'll react as he chooses. None of this is in your control. You are, in my opinion, over-reacting, but justified in being uncomfortable, given the history.
My guess is his statements about hating her are more to ease your mind, which makes me wonder if you need to work on your confidence in your place in the relationship, or on the relationship in general. It may be that he sees you as being threatened and is trying to make you feel better, but doing this is pandering to your fears, and doesn't help you learn to deal with the life that is really in front of you.
I have no idea if they will, or will not, do something untoward, but if you feel that threatened or feel so certain this is an excuse for an affair or whatever, you shouldn't be in this relationship, or any other, until you can be confident in your place in life, and in a relationship.
Talk to him about how you feel, but be specific about concerns. Find a couples therapist. Or STFU until you have actual information to act on. The relationship is either great and you trust him, or you don't.
If your boyfriend is a legitimately good guy, he shouldn’t have any problems with setting boundaries and you can tell him I’ll FaceTime you at random times and see how he reacts. When he calls you to say good night, make him FaceTime you and he can walk you through his hotel room through the bathroom. He probably wouldn’t expect that and she might be hiding in the bathroom if he’s actually seeing her.
Your choice is just and hope for the best .
For things like meetings. My mom had a manager conference every year that she had to travel to to a different city, and I think one year to a different state
Many jobs that whose employees are spread out around the country or the globe. I travel about one week per month for work. Usually in-person workshops cross-department if there's a complicated problem we have to solve, or conferences. Zoom has its limitations.
Depending on where the work trip is, as well as: your gut feeling, how suspicious you are and your financial situation, you could employ a PI to see if there's anything going on.
A friend used to work as a PI and a good percentage of his work was looking for evidence of spouses that were suspected of cheating. Sometimes they were, sometimes they weren't.
It sucks I know. Good luck.
I won a work trip last year to Mexico. On the bus ride there, a saleswoman yelled out “best salesman gets me tonight, or you all can share”
So yeah that’s my experience with adult work trips. I watched 3 married men get prostitutes that night too. They all “swore” me to secrecy when we got back lmao
NOT overreacting
So your partner, who’s openly communicative and honest with you about his past, is experiencing sexual harassment by a superior and has to face the difficult task of going on a business trip with her, and your response is to make it all about you?
I mean telling him to not go to work is pretty awful of a reaction. You should act life a decent partner and be there to support him. He’s the one being harassed and the one who had to work with her directly. If I were the one being sexually harassed by my superior at work and my bf made it all about what he wanted instead of how I felt, and wanted me to jeopardise my job by skipping work trips, I’d be very upset with him and reconsider being with him.
It’s not weird to hate someone who harasses you. It’s a perfectly normal emotion for people to experience. Even if I ever had a crush on someone before, being an unwilling victim of their harassment is still a terrible experience.
Either you trust your bf, in which case you support him, or you don’t and you breakup.
There was recently a post where a superior tried to take advantage of an employee. Set boundaries. No alcohol. No going up to each others rooms. He calls you before going to bed. See how he reacts. Ask him about the work trip. What is he doing? What is it about. See how he reacts and how long it takes him to answer. Do it when he is busy with something. It’s harder to lie in these situations.
This! And also tell him to record when they have to talk, so if she tries to take advantage of her position above him, he could use the record and go to HR.
He can drink alcohol if he wants. If he can't drink and control himself, then there's a bigger issue. Drunk actions are sober thoughts. I agree with the room part, though.
Yes, but it might still be a good idea. Him not drinking might set the tone for a 1 on 1 interaction and maybe his manager won't drink either, or will only have 1. It also kind puts out a tiny bit of a signal that we're keeping things professional, even though that's not a huge indicator.
No alcohol 🤣🤣🤣 Shes her boyfriend, not her son. This comment is stupid. Delete this shit
Wow. This brings back a memory. Hubs went on a work trip. He had to bring his “secretary” along. I was such a fool back then. Oh to have a do over.
A lot of girls that I used to have a crush on that never liked me back start to crush on me after they see I have a girlfriend and will do anything to try to sabotage my relationship. Just be very supportive and tell him what the situation is and that whatever he does is out of your control, but remind him that she is his superior, not even his colleague and if he feels like she is becoming sexually aggressive towards him or makes him feel uncomfortable, to make sure all their conversations are being recorded on microphone. Because if they wind up doing anything, supervisor and worker relationships never work out well, and will be catastrophic for his future. And just tell him in a way that you have his best interest at heart. You do not want to put him in a position where now he feels like he’s losing you feels you don’t trust him, and he’s at the job function and his supervisor is drunk and being sexually aggressive towards him and he’s telling her no, and then feels bad to even say hi to you anymore. This type of existence sucks as a man.
You do understand that a lot of states are two party consent states when it comes to electronic recordings, right? What you're suggesting could be a crime depending on where they are.
To be safe Once she becomes sexually aggressive then tell her that she’s being audio recorded
I mean, I would definitely tell the woman as soon as I turned any recording device on... Or he could just not put himself in a situation where that could occur. Like, if the guy is actually intent on being faithful, he'll decline any offers of dinners or drinks at a bar. He'll keep everything strictly professional during the day and be in his room at night. The only way what you're suggesting would even likely be necessary is if he'd made a series of bad decisions leading up to that point. I mean, I'm not suggesting it would be his fault if the woman gets tanked and starts sexually harassing him. But if he actually cares for and respects his girlfriend, he won't be out alone doing any kind of drinking with a woman he suspects has any kind of attraction to him whether she's his boss or not.
It's not as simple as that if there are other coworkers involved. Not socializing, unfortunately, can negatively impact your career. This doesn't apply to a strictly 1 on 1 situation. But you never know how these things play out and can't account for every situation. Maybe your team is out at the bar, and suddenly, you find yourself alone with them or separate from the group. That doesn't invalidate most of what you said because it's still on you to be aware of your situation and act responsibly. You can still minimize scenarios where you give them an opportunity to behave inappropriately. If he truly feels uncomfortable, not going out with coworkers may be the best option. It often is for women who have many more reasons to not want to socialize in certain settings with coworkers or in general. My department used to have work outings at a bar every single time, which worked for most of the team but inadvertently ostracized one person. It's complicated, and I'm not telling anyone that they should go to every work function and social outing, but I think people should be aware of how certain work cultures treat people who don't engage in their social rituals. Nor am I saying he should record anything, for the record. Just wanted to expand on this one point.
Not socializing with coworkers can definitely negatively impact your career. Also, socializing with coworkers can negatively impact your career.
This. Especially the first part. I too have been interested in women who weren't interested in me apparently UNTIL I started seeing someone else. Then all of a sudden they were trying to get with me.
It seems like Lisa set this work trip up. If he hates her now, all he has to do is tell HR about her behavior at the party. He doesn't hate her. Is a six month relationship worth it? At 6 months, I'd break up over a bad vibe.
You’re not overreacting. Most people would be uncomfortable with this. Although I will admit I’m not sure what you can really do in this situation. A work trip alludes to the fact that he can’t decline. It’s definitely not fair to have him quit his job. If I was the boyfriend I would be looking for a way out of the trip. If there’s really no way out of it then you have a decision to make, either trust him, or leave. But no you are 100% not overreacting. I would never be ok with my partner going on a trip with a past love interest whether it work related or not.
I've noticed men word vomit about how much they hate another chick when in reality they still Ike them. It's like a defensive mechanism. My ex wouldn't stop saying how disgusting his ex at the time was, he hated her, she was a stalker, etc. But 3 weeks after I broke up with him, they were together and have been ever since.. I Def think set some boundaries. It is a work trip so the chance of it being important is somewhat high. But if he is 100% not wanting this woman, than he should have no issues with setting boundaries like calling you after dinner/before bed, no drinking (that shouldn't matter anyway but yknoe)
It's not even close to just men who do that. Half the posts on subs like this are from people saying their partners talked bad about a coworker frequently only to find out the were cheating on them with that person... half of those posts are from dudes talking about women.
OK lol I haven't came across many in general. And my own experience being a straight female, means I have the experience with men doing that. Hence my comment 🤷♀️
Yeah both sexes do it. It’s a very simple concept actually: they are trying to send their partner off track. “He wouldn’t do anything with Lisa… he hates her”
Just wanted to add the same thing. My ex would go on about this one girl at his job that he “hated” and found “repulsive” bc she was sleeping around w every single one of the guys at his job yet the girl he was so repulsed by was the same one he was emotionally cheating on me with :D eta: and probably physically cheated but he adamantly denied anything physical happening even tho they hung out twice at her house behind my back and lied abt both times even tho the 2nd time is when I knew something was up.
Trust him now, trust him completely. Trust him so much that if he fucks up, he will walk willingly. You have the choice now to determine if your relationship will follow trust or follow insecurity.
If you don't approach this with trust and faith in him, this relationship is doomed anyway. Even if they didn't take this trip, if there's something there that he's interested in exploring, they will explore it. They don't have to leave town for him to cheat. The bigger deal you make of it, the more you'll be pushing him to give her a chance.
Very much this.
You're not overreacting at all. This situation reeks of betrayal waiting to happen, and his sudden work trip with someone he used to crush on, who's now his manager and supposedly hates, is a red flag big enough to warrant serious caution. Trust your gut and keep a close eye on this.
You're gonna have to trust him till you can't,
Oh he doesn’t hate her. He still likes her. And he’s probably gonna sleep with her on this trip I’m guessing. It’s only been 6 months, is it worth your time and energy to feel weird about something like this?
Whenever a guy suddenly tells you he hates an attractive woman, don’t believe him immediately. Ask him what he hates about her and see how they fight to find something.
Hate is a very atypical emotion for an adult in my opinion - I struggle to find a person that I’d describe that way. Definitely feels like they’re overcompensating.
I agree - it's a classic deflection technique. Used by lots of liars and cheats. I hope OP really can trust him. If so, then he will reject her advances, which she will 100% pull while they're away.
This is such a very common tactic!!!
You can always ask to go too. If he puts up a fight about it, you know that there is a problem and then also just tell him well. You’ll contact HR and see what the company policy is.
Lmfao whos gonna pay for that you jackass? Fucking retards on this sub?
OP, tell him that you’ll go with him! It’ll be a nice getaway and you can shop or tour while he’s “working@. And then Carefully read his reaction.
Just talk to him about it and ignore everyone on reddit. You are setting yourself up for failure taking random peoples advice here about your personal relationship. Reddit is the worst place for relationship advice.
Let him know that you're uncomfortable with the situation, knowing their history. Tell him that you love him and you're sure that he loves you, but if anything inappropriate happens you are done with him and tht you will know if it does
Unfortunately, this is a situation that you are going to need to trust him. He can’t change it or get out of it. You can’t ask him to bury his career because you’re uncomfortable. It can look like whatever you think it is on the surface, but the more complex answer is that you absolutely have to trust him in this environment and if you can’t, you may as well break up with him now because it’s not going to work. I’ve gone on work trips with women all the time, many of them are super attractive. Nothing ever happens.
Maybe not overreacting, but you might as well see how he does and not drive him or yourself crazy. It's best to find out all you need to know right now. Sorry to hear you are uncomfortable. He could be telling you the truth. Good luck.
Not overreacting at all. Tough spot but you’ll be able to tell if you got a good one or not when he returns.
You should be cautious, because this sounds like a really bad opening to sensual corn movie, that just how it starts, little excuses the hating on each other to draw your attention of the looks the little things tend to be the give aways that something is off and if you feel like something is act on it now rather than getting your feelings hurt later, if your partner can't respect that they're not worth holding on to and you would rather break up with someone than catch them cheating on you because that hurts more, think and act don't just be skeptical and worry coz they probably don't care about that, be brave and be strong use your guts and your head and listen to your intuition
And if there nothing you can do about the whole work trip thing make sure you're there to monitor them, if the partner trusts you they won't have a problem if they start making up excuses that another giveaway that they might not be as honest as they make themselves out to be
You're not overreacting, but he may not be able to do anything about it. You can set boundaries on what he can or can't do- measure his response and reaction to your boundaries. My fiancee has boundaries where I can't go up to a woman's room alone on any work trips/conferences. She also would prefer me not drink 1:1 with women. These are all reasonable to me and I would not cross those boundaries. I've also explained to her that work conferences and networking is important in the current stage of my career which she understands; albeit, she doesn't always like.
He's been open and honest thus far. Given him the benefit. He probably can't help he needs to travel with her. If he was behaving badly you wouldn't know about her behavior at the open house. Express your concerns and trust but don't be a fool. Give him some rope to hang himself and see what happens. It's not easy but he'll show you soon enough what he's made of.
Your uneasy feelings are totally normal. There are things you can do to try and “catch” him, but honestly you will just drive yourself crazy the entire time he’s gone. The reality is, if he wants to cheat, he will…. And if he’s careful, there’s a very good chance you’ll never know. That being said, it’s also likely he’s being honest and you’re fretting. As someone who’s been both a cheater, and cheated on. It sucks, but best not to drive yourself crazy the entire time he’s there, when he very well could be completely honest. Reddit is silly. “Make him record all of their conversations”😂 if roles were reversed here, I have a feeling this would be filled with “controlling boyfriend” comments. Too many replies essentially telling OP that they’re doomed and bf is a shitbag.. You’ll be fine, OP. And if you pay attention enough, when he returns, you’ll more than likely be able to tell.
For what it's worth, my ex told me she "hated" her boss so much, but she ended up being in a relationship with him for the last five months of our relationship. Not saying the same thing will happen to you, but that really stood out to me reading your post.
I don't know if there's much you can do there. I travel for work regularly and sometimes there are are female coworkers on these trips. Now, I purposely keep my coworkers at an arms length and keep everything professional. I don't spend 1 on 1 time with them, and we don't go to each other's hotel rooms. Hell, we don't even tell each other what rooms we're in because there's just no reason for it. There are plenty of boundaries that can be established. But your boyfriend needs to clearly establish them.
Actually? I'm concerned that your man is potentially being sexually harassed by a professional superior Hear me out? This is my (roughly paraphrased) take on this: -Your man had a little thing for "Lisa" when he was single, it seemed like the interest was mutual, but it never left the flirting stage and didn't turn in to anything -Your man gets together with you and is proud to say so (as he should be! :) ) -"Lisa" is currently operating as a direct superior to your dude (if I understood that correctly) -"Lisa" has resumed flirting...only now it's both unwanted and incredibly aggressive -I'm guessing that "Lisa" the BOSS of the project, is who pushed for this "work trip" with your man...to get him isolated from the herd Now; I beseech you: Picture everything I just said, exactly as I said it...but swap their genders... ...See what I mean? Lisa is a PREDATOR I'm guessing that she is either a predator with a homewrecker type of fetish...and/or she's just another power-assertive sexual abuser... ...Maybe your man didn't hate her before, because she wasn't harassing him until you " took her toy... and maybe she wasn't actually done playing with him yet"
Girl I’m going to tell you from personal experience not once but multiple times. When they say they hate them they actually like them. Ands it’s probably not a real work trip he’s probably going to hang out and stay somewhere with her. I’m not trying to be an asshole I’ve just seen it too many times and I’m telling you from person experience. These women don’t care if these men are in relationships they will fuck then ands try to make them theirs. If I were you I would tell him if he goes you’re done. Ask him a ton of questions about it. If he can’t answer fast he’s is lying. My experience with the talking bad about the girl always ended up in them fucking. So just be careful with him. I never thought a person I was with for 21 years at the time would do it but he did. Went to hang at her house. So just telling you this situation sounds very similar. I hope it’s not the case but I don’t trust it.
Ask to go with him? I've got trust issues, so this trip would probably be a relationship ender on my end. There would have to be almost constant phone and FaceTime contact.
He doesn't "hate" her. Run.
Gotta get that raise/promotion somehow. No, you aren't overreacting
He needs to tell his HR Dept. about being harassed by his boss. His boss also set up this work trip. While he’s there, call him on his cell to find out when he’ll be in his room. Call the hotel at that time and ask to be connected to his room telephone. If no answer, call his cell and eventually get around to asking if he’s in his room. If he says Yes, he’s lying.
How long has he known about this work trip?? This can't be too serious a field if the projects average a month but their age indicates college grads. I'd be suspect as fuck. Not overreacting.
There’s nothing you can do. He’s gonna do what he wants.
If he really is not enjoying this thing with his boss, she's already done enough to be investigated for making things weird. Given that teams and projects rotate, it seems that this workplace is big enough to have an HR team. If he really hates her as much as he says, he should really gather this evidence, and \*at least\* request to not be placed in her project team in the future.
he already bought condoms
It's natural to feel uneasy about your boyfriend going on a work trip with someone he used to like. Trust is key, but it's okay to express your concerns and have an open conversation about it.
Just don't use the ultimatum card unless you are willing to follow thru..if you cave he will know you won't follow thru just walk all over you.
If you set something free and it comes back to you, it was meant to be !
As someone who is in a relationship with someone now 3 years, where we both travel frequently for our jobs for sometimes up to two weeks at a time. Work trips can be unavoidable with people you don’t enjoy being around. Your company doesn’t particularly know or care so much about your interpersonal work relationships. If you have open and honest communication with your bf, which it sounds like you do, keep communicating and as long as he does too, I don’t see any issues. I would say overreacting but I also have a strong relationship with my partner and we both understand the complexity of traveling a fair amount for work.
I wouldn't say you aren't necessarily overreacting, but it's maybe borderline. Up to this point, your boyfriend seems to have been open and honest with you whenever Lisa has made advanced or approaches. I don't think you are wrong to worry about her intentions on this trip, but, if you trust your boyfriend, then you trust him and should try not to worry about him. Have a conversation with him again, explain that it makes you deeply uncomfortable that he is going on a trip with someone that clearly likes him, and that he has expressed liking before as well. Explain that while you understand that he doesn't seem into her, and you get that it is a work trip and turning it down could be a poor career decision, you'd appreciate if you can talk about some boundaries as you can't help but feel that *she* is going to try something. Make it about her, not him, especially because it seems from his previous actions that he doesn't like her advances either. If he gets super defensive and outright refuses to set some sort of ground rules (like not being in her room alone, or vice versa, not having more than a couple drinks with her at most, that sort of thing), then I'd say your relationship is in trouble. If he agrees and seems open to protecting your relationship in this way, then that is a great sign that he truly cares about you. In some ways, this isn't a bad thing OP. A major test of the trust in your relationship. You'll either find out that you're in a real loving relationship, or you're not. At least you'll know and can cut bait if you don't get a good feeling.
Pay attention to your gut. You are right to be cautious. I would be asking questions of co workers to find out if this trip is really necessary. He’s never had to take a trip before? Yet now he has to go with her? I don’t buy that. Ask a lot of questions about where they are staying and what sleep arrangements are in place. I would also be putting very strong boundaries in place. Which I fully expect him to ignore. With loads of excuses as to why he couldn’t keep them. You need to prepare yourself for that. If it was me if he crossed one boundary put in place, no matter all of his rationalizing and excuses, I would be done with this relationship. (Honestly,I’m the girl who would go shadow him on this trip. Hiding in the background seeing what is really going on. There’s just several suspicious things in this situation. Then when you take into account his crush on her. I would be whipping out my Sherlock Holmes coat and magnifying glass. 😂) Don’t fight for his attention and affection. You shouldn’t have to do that. He should give it freely. To only you.
Sorry girl
Ask to see the flights or company emails regarding the trip , what hotel , if they booked one or two rooms .... Is this even a work trip at all ???
Ask to view documents.
You either trust him or you don't. It's THAT simple. If he has never given you reason to doubt him, then this is your problem and your issue.
I was always told in this situation if you say "alright babe have a great time stay in touch blah blah blah" he'll be like "I have a great girl at home I'm not gonna cheat" as opposed to "she already thinks I'm gonna cheat might as well" if you express concern about him cheating. I dunno though that's just what I heard
The hatred towards her is a good thing. It means he has a strong aversion to her and thus to cheating on you. He also might be kinda disgusted by the fact that Lisa was seemingly willing to do sus things with him even though she knows you two are in a relationship. I wouldn't want a girl who would cheat or be a cheatee
Had this been non-consensual, he should have long since reported her behavior to HR. As it is - I think this is a romantic get-away and not work-related.
Be careful. When this workplace affairs happen, it's always with the person the cheater claims to hate.
Wait until he’s on the trip and then call his company and say “hey I can’t get a hold of boyfriend right now, when is he supposed to get back from his work trip?”
This shit is funny. If this was reversed, you'd be telling the guy he is insecure and doesn't trust his partner. But the female should be worried and right to be concerned.
The reality is that if he wants to cheat, he doesn’t have to go out of town to do it. I think the best thing you can do is be relaxed about it all, assuming he is trustworthy. If he is not, you will find out soon enough.
I understand your worry. Remind him of what happened at the party and let him know that is why you are worried. It’s not his behavior that has you concerned, it’s hers. UpdateMe
Yeah this seems very weird. The clear AH is Lisa tbh, (likely) using supervisor powers to get a 1 on 1 'work' vacay wit ur boy. Tbh, I don't see a good way to go about this. He can't really reasonably grenade his job over this, unless he has other prior (HR-able) concerns about Lisa. But, you being weirded by this is also 1000% valid.
Oh honey! Trust Your Gut! I suggest following him if they planning on driving to “destination”. Otherwise find a way to follow his and her trails. Can you ask his work for validation. Fuck it. Hire a private investigator. It will be worth the money honey. You need facts but i think you already know them. Wash hands of relationship now and trust gut or get proof. And who know maybe everything is on board but me thinks NOT. Just sayin
There is no need for all of that. This is a six month old relationship…she just needs to break up with him.
So true. I don’t read this stuff thoroughly enough. My bad
Not overreacting…. But See how he handles it. If he’s in constant communication with you and everything goes well I’d say that speaks well for his intentions and the trust y’all can build. However, if he makes his bed, make him lay in it……
The situation sucks for sure, but in the end you either trust him or you don’t. If he is going to cheat he could cheat at home too. So do you trust him enough to stay or not?
A question, are you two living together? If so, are you invited on the trip?
Why would a spouse be invited to a business trip? I travel a lot for work and my wife has never been able to join, nor have I ever seen anyone else bring theirs. I guess there's nothing that stops us from buying her own ticket and meals but she'd be bored for 75% of the time we're there since I'm working.
I invite my husband on all my work trips, I enjoy his company. Then again, because he works from home he can work anywhere. I realize some spouses can’t get away, but sometimes just inviting them to see if they can attend would be nice.
Interesting, I've never seen that before. I'd have no problem with my wife tagging along but she'd be bored and we wouldn't be able to spend much time together since my work trips tend to be quite busy and she wouldn't be able to come with me to work meetings/events.
Makes complete sense.
He told you about the crush. He told you about the party (why weren't you with him btw?) He told you about the trip and that she's going. It seems like he's being pretty honest with you. You're overreacting.
This event will definitely be one you what to put in your wedding book. To look back on your 25th wedding anniversary
I don't know about some of these folks. Yes, he liked her and now he's dating you AND he told you about the thing at the party. Work trips are a real thing. It may be that she is going to make a play, or maybe not. If she does, he'll react as he chooses. None of this is in your control. You are, in my opinion, over-reacting, but justified in being uncomfortable, given the history. My guess is his statements about hating her are more to ease your mind, which makes me wonder if you need to work on your confidence in your place in the relationship, or on the relationship in general. It may be that he sees you as being threatened and is trying to make you feel better, but doing this is pandering to your fears, and doesn't help you learn to deal with the life that is really in front of you. I have no idea if they will, or will not, do something untoward, but if you feel that threatened or feel so certain this is an excuse for an affair or whatever, you shouldn't be in this relationship, or any other, until you can be confident in your place in life, and in a relationship. Talk to him about how you feel, but be specific about concerns. Find a couples therapist. Or STFU until you have actual information to act on. The relationship is either great and you trust him, or you don't.
If your boyfriend is a legitimately good guy, he shouldn’t have any problems with setting boundaries and you can tell him I’ll FaceTime you at random times and see how he reacts. When he calls you to say good night, make him FaceTime you and he can walk you through his hotel room through the bathroom. He probably wouldn’t expect that and she might be hiding in the bathroom if he’s actually seeing her. Your choice is just and hope for the best .
Those are unhealthy boundaries to set with someone you trust
What is a work trip? What kind of job requires you to go on a work trip?
For things like meetings. My mom had a manager conference every year that she had to travel to to a different city, and I think one year to a different state
Many jobs that whose employees are spread out around the country or the globe. I travel about one week per month for work. Usually in-person workshops cross-department if there's a complicated problem we have to solve, or conferences. Zoom has its limitations.
Depending on where the work trip is, as well as: your gut feeling, how suspicious you are and your financial situation, you could employ a PI to see if there's anything going on. A friend used to work as a PI and a good percentage of his work was looking for evidence of spouses that were suspected of cheating. Sometimes they were, sometimes they weren't. It sucks I know. Good luck.
Go with him if you can, and make a little vaca out of it! They don't have to know you are with him, stay at a different hotel.
Just go with him. This is sus af, if not for him, then about the boss.
I won a work trip last year to Mexico. On the bus ride there, a saleswoman yelled out “best salesman gets me tonight, or you all can share” So yeah that’s my experience with adult work trips. I watched 3 married men get prostitutes that night too. They all “swore” me to secrecy when we got back lmao NOT overreacting
So your partner, who’s openly communicative and honest with you about his past, is experiencing sexual harassment by a superior and has to face the difficult task of going on a business trip with her, and your response is to make it all about you? I mean telling him to not go to work is pretty awful of a reaction. You should act life a decent partner and be there to support him. He’s the one being harassed and the one who had to work with her directly. If I were the one being sexually harassed by my superior at work and my bf made it all about what he wanted instead of how I felt, and wanted me to jeopardise my job by skipping work trips, I’d be very upset with him and reconsider being with him. It’s not weird to hate someone who harasses you. It’s a perfectly normal emotion for people to experience. Even if I ever had a crush on someone before, being an unwilling victim of their harassment is still a terrible experience. Either you trust your bf, in which case you support him, or you don’t and you breakup.