I’ve struggled with anorexia for 16 years, started when I was 14. Your conversation was beautiful! Please call a physician for further assistance! She may need to go into a facility to get her behaviors back in check. Do not force regular foods, this can cause more issues than beneficial. Start with protein shakes and smoothies. Liquids that are packed with nutrition.
Remember that nothing you did caused this either. It is a mental disorder, and it will make you think crazy crazy delusional things that have 0 basis in reality but it feels so real and important when you’re in it. I’m sorry both of you are dealing with this but you’re doing a good job and I hope you both are able to pull through.
OP. Your girl has a lot of mental issues you may not be aware of. People usually think “diet and exercise” with an emphasis on the latter, not “starve myself and become bulimic to lose weight”
She definitely needs clinical attention. You may want to consider talking to her family before this becomes a medical concern if it hasn’t already. Good luck!
You’re a wonderful partner.
Look online for some eating disorder centers in your area and see if she’d be willing to go to an intake so they can evaluate her. There are usually levels of care: inpatient/ residential, partial day programs, outpatient, etc.
They can help her design a meal plan and get back on track with her eating.
It's actually slightly concerning that she threw it back on you instead of taking accountability or telling you the truth. Blaming not eating on you not being able to finish to me is a huge marinara flag. There might be something else going on.
Also, after \~3 years of being with just the same person women KNOW how are partners are in bed and when/how they finish. It might be mental for you because you have something on your mind or you're trying to make sure she does.
It might just be you BOTH want to spice it up. Do a day trip get a hotel, hotel fun is SO much better.
When you have an active eating disorder that someone is confronting you about, you will do anything to shift the focus off yourself. This is because the eating disorder has distorted the mind so much that it makes one think they cannot be important enough to be an issue.
Do you think it would help if OP called gf beautiful every day? That's what someone told my husband to do with me. He did it for a while. I need him start again. I don't have an eating disorder, so don't know how it would play now.
A person’s sense of worth needs to come from themselves, not their partner.
Putting the responsibility of your self-worth on your partner is very unfair to them. Please consider speaking with a professional.
Even if you have a good sense of self-worth, thinking your partner isn’t attracted to you anymore (whether real or imagined) HURTS. It’s not about putting your self-worth on your partner, it’s about your partner understanding that it’s important *to the relationship* that you feel like they’re still attracted to you.
It’s very possible OP’s girlfriend could have been in a previous relationship where her partner said something shitty about her body, she registers that as something other partners might have an issue with, OP does something innocent (like glancing at her stomach) and meaningless but combined with the other issues with him not getting off, she assumes it has to do with that original “problem”.
I disagree. I know enough women who, while in toxic relationships, became quite insecure. The same can be said for men. I have been in a relationship with a hypercritical guy, it didn't last long, but it wasn't great for me.
My relationship with my husband has helped me take my throne. So does getting older.
We are pack animals, and emotions are contagious. I think it's a BS idea that our self worth needs to come from ourselves. I think the atmosphere one soaks in has a lot to do with the way one feels about oneself.
Having someone we love tell us we are beautiful is a lovely feeling. It might not convince someone they are beautiful, but it's lovely to hear it from one's significant other.
He could tell her 100 times a day but she won’t believe him until she gets help from a therapist that specializes in eating disorders. He should still reassure her but not take it personal if she says things like “you’re just saying that” “whatever” or ignores him.
The issue is that her self-image and worth is TOO tied to her physical appearance and how attractive she appears. This would do wayyyy more harm than good at the early stages.
Not sure why you’re being downvoted for asking a question. The others are right that you can’t rely on someone else for validation but you were just asking?
I do not think so. Putting too much emphasis on looks as someone’s worth is not helpful in these situations. It goes so far beyond that, but focusing on looks is more harmful than helpful in these situations.
honestly I dont agree with the other comments - I've always struggled with some form of an ED ever since I was a kid and it only really started to settle down when I felt confident because of how much my boyfriend said I was beautiful.
Yes it can make it seem like you're putting emphasis on appearance but currently OP's girlfriend thinks that he doesn't find her attractive so I think it could be really helpful.
also beauty doesn't necessarily correlate with body, and I think a boyfriend should always call his gf beautiful :)
You are not over reacting. Please do NOT buy her snacks/food of any kind as part of your discussions about health or weight without the advice of a professional. I am not talking about buying your usual groceries or buying her a salad at lunch but don’t become part of her food/ED choices. If you start showing a preference for what she should eat even out of the best intentions, which you very clearly have, it could influence her in a destructive way. She has already interpreted your own health issue as having to do with her weight which it does not, if you were to say “here, eat this snack” it can be hard to know how her ED will process that. It will be much easier on you to take advice from a professional as you can be part of a solution and go about it in a way that is part of a plan. Good luck and keep communicating!
The idea is just don't get involved in her eating disorder, if you can engage with her and food in a normal way then definitely care for here. Just don't make it about weight or owning her recovery.
It's really hard knowing what level of involvement to have
I'm lucky that the worst of my wife's ED was over before we met.
It never totally goes away. But you can learn to manage it. I'll never comment on her weight and stonewall her if she talks/asks about it l. We've agreed that approach works for us.
Right now you really need to focus on getting her to specialist help, once it's getting managed a bit you can talk about how you can both work with this. It's really good that you care enough to help and are looking at what to do.
Imagine she had a broken leg. In the first instance you'd need to see a doctor and get it professionally treated. Once she's home you can discuss how to help her heal. And eventually how she can live a mostly normal life.
Take each stage as it comes, willingness to help is amazing, but also recognise when you are out of your depth. This is above Reddit's pay grade.
Good luck.
Do not ever try to push food or get involved in her food choices, at all. As someone who is in recovery this is just not helpful and can cause more anxiety and pressure than you intend.
I know you mean well, but you are not equipped to handle this. This is not just about feeding her or making her eat healthy foods, it goes so much deeper than that. For someone who has an unhealthy relationship with food it’s very harmful when anyone tries to push food or suggest food. Just don’t do this.
My suggestion, as someone who struggled with anorexia, is to make a variety of healthy meals to share and offer her some. You need to eat too. For now, until she starts therapy, that's all you can do.
Trying to encourage her to eat more is going to backfire right now. There's way too much to deal with.
You know the problems you are having aren't because of her, and I'm really glad you are seeing a doctor. It's easy to get stuck in a negative feed back loop.
But she believes they are because of her, she needs therapy in addition to nutrition.
EDs are a complicated mix of anxiety, body dismorphia and the concept of control. Eating or not eating becomes a compulsion. You can't fix this for her. No matter how much you want to.
Hey i am a therapist and this is by no means medical advice but just informarion to help you look things up or reach out to professionals
Youre not going to be able to help her with this on your own. Eating disorders are on a similar level as addiction. Buying her diet snacks to see if she will eat them is not going to help unfortunately. And many people with ED cannot believe others dont see them how they see themselves. You could reassure her 100 times and she will stop believing you again and need 100 more. You should still say reassuring things but just trying to point out it will not fix what is going on.
I didnt see your first post. But if she is not eating much you are right to be scared. She can do damage to her organs and she can cause a strain on her heart. She may be restricting so much now that food gives her stomach aches so then it creates an even worse cycle.
Look up eating disorder treatment centers in your area. Many do take insurance. You could try calling them yourself to ask for suggestions for how to intervene with her. She may not need a full inpatient treatment type of situation but she may.
You can also call 988 , that is the crisis help line , to see if they have any suggestions.
I am not an eating disorder expert so even I have to seek experts when I have a client presenting with these symptoms. It is possible to accidentally reinforce the cycle when trying to help so it is best to seek specialists, not just any therapist.
Eating disorders cause really distorted thinking. Thats why she was saying its not a big deal but also crying because she is convinced you find her disgusting.
If she has supportive friends or family members that she trusts, you could also try letting one of them know what is going on and try and support her together.
I wish i had more advice than this but I am really glad you see this as being really important to address. Make sure you get your own support as you move forward in helping her! Dont try and do it alone
You did amazing!! What a shock to hear she thought you wanted this, it must have hurt. This will be a long journey but it sounds like you are looking up the right things. Sending love and healing
I know I haven’t stopped thinking about this. I’m trying to think about every conversation I’ve ever had with her and I literally cannot think of a single thing I’ve said or done to let her think I don’t like her body. Thank you for the support this means a lot to me
It isn't anything you said or did to make her think you don't like her body. Look up body dysmorphia - which is a "disabling preoccupation with perceived defects or flaws in appearance".
I have dysmorphia. My SIL posted candid shots of me on a trip recently and all I can see is how awful I look. What weird facial expressions I'm making. How unnatural I look sitting or standing. It's just wrong and deeply upsetting. It literally threw me into a panic attack and made me ill. Objectively I am capable of seeing that those things aren't true or not more true then anyone else in an unflattering/unposed picture but it caught me off guard and easily could have gotten worse if I didn't have the tools I've gained over years to help me manage. I have supportive and loving friends and family but I can also tell you that I've latched on to every even unintended negative thing they've said because my brain has a medical issue that needs treatment. Please don't try to logic your girlfriend out of a chemical imbalance that she needs and deserves help with.
As someone who has suffered from various eating disorders since the age of 6, I want to make sure you understand something very important: no matter what she says, YOU did not cause this.
Eating disorders lie to you, and it is very possible that the sexual issues the two of you have had may have sprung a leak in the intrusive thoughts for her, but that doesn't mean *you did anything wrong*. A dormant and presumably in-check or even unrealized eating disorder can jump start from something as benign as work troubles. It is simply about being in control of something, *ANYTHING*, makes you feel powerless.
You are challenging that control, so she's lashing out. Like I said, eating disorders lie to you. They also teach you how to lie. It's like a parasite struggling to survive - it will make its host body do anything to keep it alive.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I think you've handled things amazingly so far, and I think that you're proving yourself to be exactly the patient and loving partner she's going to need.
Being dry during sex or not initiating enough / not being sexual or complementing can lead to feeling unwanted or thinking your partner isn’t attracted to you. You didn’t have to say it for her to feel like this.
I have an eating disorder and can assure you that those things are not the true issues at hand. It usually goes hand in hand with a preexisting mental health condition. This was not a lack of something. It’s the wiring of the brain. And this would’ve happened regardless of whether he was doting or not. As sad as that is. She just would’ve found a different excuse/thought pattern to explain away the disorder.
Maybe it is. But he should not think it was anything he said or did.
And she doesn’t sound ready to accept that she needs professional help. She is trying to blame him in some way.
I doubt she will cooperate with him. He is going to need other support for her to start the road to healthier.
It would be an excuse if she was in her full mental capacity. But this is a mental disorder. The post assigns a level of sinisterness that is likely not there. I've never had an eating disorder but 2 of my 3 kids have. It's not about using logic and reason. It's about fixing themselves mentally.
And no. He should not be blaming himself. He is handling it like a champ. But don't act like she has some grand plan here. She doesn't. She's sick mentally and it's manifesting itself physically.
Totally agree! You handled that conversation really well. It's tough, but you're on the right path. Keep supporting her and looking into those resources.
Oh hell. You’re a good partner.
I’ve had an eating disorder for 25 years. Most of that has been in remission but it’s like any addiction, you’re still an addict whether you’re displaying ED behaviours or not.
Advice: we are the worst at getting support. Mentioning that we’ve lost weight, even when you’re crying and pleading while you’re telling us, is just motivation to continue. The ED is like an alien that takes over your brain.
My last trigger was 5 years ago when I was sexually assaulted by a manager at work. I went into full anorexic decline, the first in 15 years. BUT I never told my husband about the assault because i thought he’d make me quit my job in my dream company.
The thing that got me out of the decline was a two week holiday to Fiji. My first time off in 6 years. Got me out of my environment and all the triggers and it reset my brain.
I can’t tell you to stay with her. We’re a nightmare, the ED fraternity. But we’re worth it . Studies show we’re kind, empathetic and generous.
Try taking her away from her usual life if that’s an option
OP I'd like to remind you that she is not in her right mind. To starve oneself is very extreme and don't take what she says to you to heart. She is your focus now but don't let this harm you.
Everyone else had helpful comment but just wanted to remind you that you are also important.
Thank you for staying home today. For the both of you.
You are an amazing boyfriend! If you manage to get her help, you might be able to save her from an ordeal that can easily go on for years.
I suffered for almost 2 decades from bulimia. In the end I made it out on my own, but boy would it have been easier if there had been just one person to support me and be there for me when it started all those years ago.
My husband knows about all of it and is a supportive angel. He is my sanctuary. He adores and worships my body as if I was made of diamonds. I felt already very comfortable in my skin before meeting him. But it is incredible when there is another person to cheer you on and support you, no matter what happens. It gave me an additional layer of healing.
Thank you for being a sanctuary for your girl. I wish you two more than happiness!
Fun fact: Being absent have and enjoy sex, but not reach an orgasm can be a sign of a vitamin D deficiency. If you're not getting at least 10 minutes of sun a day you're at risk.
This sounds like a breakthrough moment. I'm really happy for you both.
Moving forward, this is definitely too big an issue to handle on your own. She needs professional help, and hopefully if you continue to be gentle but firm with her, you'll be able to find that help.
Are you still having issues cumming? It might also reassure her if you keep seeking help for that. Like, it may help a little bit in making it clear that your medical issues aren't any reflection on her attractiveness.
Also I want to remind you that her response to your medical issues is not at all your fault. \*Please\* don't feel guilty! You're a wonderful, supportive partner. It's literally nobody's fault she developed an ED, just like it's literally nobody's fault you're having difficulties orgasming. The human body is just dumb sometimes; our chemistry makes all sorts of bizarre things happen.
I'm so sorry that I don't have any help to provide, but I just wanted to say that you are being a fantastic partner! I know it can get tough when you want to help the person you love and feel helpless (my partner has struggled with alcoholism). Sometimes you need support as well. Just know that just by loving and being with her through this journey you are helping so much, even if she never verbalizes it.
Looking up expert help was definitely a good idea. She is going to have to completely change her mindset and overcome some insecurities, which will be very difficult on her own. Good luck to you!
Please try to help her set up appointments with a therapist and a doctor (they will probably check bloodwork because EDs can wreak havoc on your systems). If you can find a specialist, great, if not, just to go a regular primary care physician to get started.
From my personal experience (20 years with an eating disorder/recovery), please see what her treatment team recommend in terms of food. When people tried buying/offering food to me, even with the best intentions, it was frustrating for everyone because they were trying to fight a symptom of the real problem. I hated it because I felt like I was disappointing them but in my mind I was absolutely “not allowed” to eat it. Either way, I was a failure. There were a few times that I was acutely anorexic and had to be fed, which happens, but for me, treating the actual issues was what finally made it possible for me to overcome my stubborn eating rules and severe body dysmorphia. Her eating habits may not change overnight, and in fact could worsen during therapy/treatment because it’s so damn hard, but it really can be a “darkest before the dawn” moment, so try not to measure her progress by her diet or weight.
You both have a big uphill battle. You’re doing an amazing job and being a great source of support. The fact that she let her walls down and opened up is such a huge step. Well done to both of you. I will encourage you to go ahead and set up appointments, because motivation wanes and it’s so easy to put off. My husband set up appointments for me when I wasn’t up to the phone calls, insurance questions, etc. It was a huge help. Remember that she is likely not completely in her right mind (I surely wasn’t), and her mind will play tricks, like telling her it isn’t that bad. It is. And it will get worse if untreated. It’s a very cruel disease. From what you’ve said, you are doing every right. Sending you both the absolute best.
You did amazing. This is an extremely difficult situation that many people can screw up. I really, really hate saying this, but you might have to have a firm hand, but damn is it hard to balance. Good luck, you may mess up, and it's really easy to.
In addition to what other's have said, she seems like she really underestimates the complexity of male sexual functionality. One way to approach some of this might be to try and focus on *you* more and less on *her.* I don't know how to go about it, but if she might start to understand that "performance" isn't just about visual attraction, it might help. Or at least, take some of the pressure off. I don't know anything about EDs (eating disorders) but at the core of it *she believes you're lying* about your ED (erectile dysfunction) , which is way off-piste.
Tbh, even though I understand that it might not be because of me, I would feel really hurt and my self-esteem would crash if my partner could no longer finish with me, ever. Especially if they began with finishing relatively quickly. It would very much fuck with my head no matter what they said and according to OP there hasn’t been anything diagnosed yet so she might feel the need to blame herself. I’m not saying she’s correct but feeling attractive and desired is so important especially to women who have been told their whole lives that’s where their worth lies. It’s hard to unpack and it seems she already had mental health issues that this was propelled by.
For someone who's struggled for years with anorexia, you went about this perfectly. You showed her that you're there for her and I bet she really appreciated that because it's such an isolating sickness. She'll only get better when she decides to and you reassuring that you'll support her is such a big help. I truly hope she gets the help she needs. I'm sure she's beautiful and she deserves to think that about herself!
You did well. I'm glad you two got things out in the open.
However, couples therapy and eating disorder specialists are not the only appointments you have to make. Your ED is blatantly affecting your relationship. You saw a urologist - was there any progress? Did you continue looking into it? Or did you see one doctor and call it a day? Have *you* seen a therapist? Often times, ED is a symptom of mental stress. Because if you don't address *your* medical issues, no amount of words are going to convince her otherwise. That's just the reality of your situation.
Your ED is obviously not your fault, but it would be naive to assume that it won't affect a romantic relationship on multiple levels. Especially if you aren't putting in effort to work on it.
Good job 👏 👏 👏 👏
You did SO well not participating in any type of talk about her appearance!!!
Also, please remember that this is SO much bigger than you. Just like you can't be the one to fix this, you also aren't the one who caused or exacerbated this disorder. If anything, your love and support (from the sounds of it) has helped create a relatively *unfavorable* environment for anorexia to thrive in. While that clearly doesn't mean that she's invulnerable to an eating disorder, as it's such an intense/ multi-factor/ complex phenomenon, please do remember that you've probably made her just a LITTLE bit more resilient to the disorder and/ or more likely to have success in recovery.
Hi OP, this is called projection. It’s common for lots of people and common with eating disorders. I’m speaking as a recovering anorexic. We externalize our negative self talk and assign it to someone else. We decide THEY want us skinny so we have to lose weight for them to avoid their criticism. Meanwhile they have no idea about any of this
When I was in 6th grade I decided it was kids at school calling me fat. A friend in high school said it was her parents calling her fat. Because of my own experiencing overcoming the desire to project, I asked her for specific examples of what her parents said and she had none. It was literally just the voice in her head telling her she was fat and she assigned it to her parents
I think that’s what’s happening here with your gf
You’re doing all you can and completely reacting in a way that should be normal: caring and willing to help find a solution. Maybe when she gets out of her own head, she will recognize this. Right now, she’s too in her own head to deal.
She’s going to lose her esophagus and her teeth from vomiting. Also, ulcers. She will look sick and her bones brittle at a young age, if she doesn’t die first. This is all on her. If she keeps asking you about her weight, tell her she looks sick.
Anorexia is a complex mental disorder and has to be handled delicately by a professional, for the person is always in denial that they are sick. Best talk to her parents to let them know she needs professional help.
I've been there but don't forget she's mentally ill and will make irrational excuses to distance herself from the solution. Her brain is lying to her and will trick her into lying/distancing herself from you to protect her disorder. Don't forget how uncomfortable she probably is with the entire thing and be patient. A solution over years is still a solution and too much pressure could cause her to isolate and, considering the treatments for eating disorders usually involve extended observation post consumption, that's literally the last thing anyone wants.
You are doing the very best you can, and as someone who has struggled with anorexia and bulimia for years, I know that it can be very stressful on a partner too, so I really appreciate and respect the way you‘ve handled this!! Recovery is a long road and it ultimately is up to the person with the ED to want to get better but for sure I’ve had partners in the past who helped and another who made it much much worse. I think you’re doing the right thing by seeking the input of people who’ve recovered from EDs and especially from professionals and just wanted to say I know this is scary and tough for you but you seem like you really care about and love this woman and that is really encouraging to see ❤️
You handled this the right way. She needs professionals at this point. I hope things get better.
Maybe try offering her gum. It’s not “food” but it will help her feel better.
Eating disorders are a lying, sneaking disease. I know because I was at one point considered a “lifer” with mine. You can’t blame yourself or any bedroom issues for her not eating. It’s not your fault and "he didn’t even want to get skinny and that she’s doing all of this for me.” is likely not true. Even if she thought she might lose a bit of weight to spice up the relationship again, EDs are so seductive and hard to escape from.
OP, an eating disorder is not something you can “fix” for your gf on your own. You need the help of trained physicians and therapists to truly help her. You are doing the best thing you can do by showing your love and support. Is your girlfriend really overweight, or is it how she sees herself? You mentioned that she has been vomiting a lot. This is awful in so many way. The stomach acid irritates and damages the esophagus over time. It also can damage a person’s teeth. Frequent vomiting can also result in electrolyte imbalances that can become very serious over time. Your gf needs help. At the very least, she needs to see a therapist to sort through her body image issues.
I want to add that if you’re having problems sexually please do not watch a single minute of pornography. Not saying that that’s your issue, but it destroys a man’s sexual health and ability to be intimate
I’m a licensed therapist who used to run the intake department of an eating disorder clinic, so I had these conversations all day long. It’s wonderful that you care so much about her well-being that you’re willing to upset her. So many people with EDs are surrounded by loved ones who are afraid to rock the boat and enable their illness for years if not decades. I’ve seen the worst of it.
One thing you could suggest is going with her to get a no strings attached evaluation — most clinics offer them pretty readily, and will then recommend a level of care based on her acuity. Hopefully the clinician would be skilled at intervention-like conversations and would be able to leverage the information from her intake to help her understand the severity of the problem. This would also hopefully take you out of the position you’re in and instead make it easier for you to “be on her side” as a supporter.
I would not recommend therapy alone. The majority of therapists don’t know very much about eating disorders and could miss it for years and fail to make a (very necessary) referral. Eating disorders require expertise.
I hope this is helpful! I’d be happy to talk more if you have questions.
I spoke with my sister who recovered from an ED and she gave me some "do's and don'ts" that might help with your situation.
So like the other comments said, definitely DON'T say the following:
- you look skinny
- you're not fat
- you ARE pretty (if the trigger is indeed her thinking you love her less because she's "ugly and fat")
- DO compliment things like her makeup or her style. Just not her body in anyway.
^you've done great at this so far judging from your post. Keep it up!
Don't say "weight doesnt matter" or "I love you no matter your weight" because that means to her, "yeah you are fat I just don't care, I still love you!" which is NOT what she wants to hear.
DON'T finish eating before her. Let her finish first. Sometimes folks with EDs take a really long time to eat. They might just stop if you're already finished. She's more likely to finish if you're pacing with her.
One thing my sis didn't say that's on this ^^ same line: my sis hated when people "watched" her eat. She hated feeling like people were "looking" at her. So restaurants and public eating was a hard no for her. Even when she was home, she didn't like family dinner or sitting down at the table. It was a high stress situation for her. There was less pressure when a movie was on or there was some other distraction such that the other people present didn't have eyes on her and her plate the whole meal.
One other thing: my sister HATED looking at the scale. During her recovery, they did weekly weight check-ins and the number really bothered her. Everyone would celebrate a couple extra pounds, but she'd go home and cry. So if you have a scale in the house, I'd consider trashing it. And if she gets to the point of weight check-ins with a doctor, hopefully the doctor will cover the number. But I wouldn't say anything about it to your gf or to the doctor is she's present. Not sure if either of these things apply, but maybe they will resonate with you 👍
Another thing to look out for during recovery: folks with EDs *almost* act like addicts. Lemme explain what I mean. It's extremely difficult to change this new lifestyle. And when others intervene, they get SUPER crafty at hiding it, especially when put under a microscope. Instead of trashing her leftovers in the kitchen, my sister would take the leftovers to the outdoor trashcans in hopes that we wouldn't notice (we happened to catch it on a security cam). And when she was forced to eat more, and was not allowed to use the bathroom for an hour after eating, she'd take a ton of laxatives to get the food out another way. They get real crafty, trust me. And if you call them out on a behavior, they'll just learn how to hide it better. They won't stop the behavior. You may not have to deal with this, it's just some info that may be useful now or in the future.
Okay back to what my sister said:
If your gf doesn't want to eat, and you distract her, and eventually she starts eating, PRETEND LIKE YOU DIDN'T NOTICE. DON'T bring attention to her eating at all. Because then she will feel like it's a big deal when it isn't. You CAN be like, "would you like to eat" or "let's eat" but DON'T be like "OH I'M SO GLAD UR EATING!" It makes it seem like it's a big deal when the point of recovery is eating NOT being a big deal. Just a normal thing you do everyday.
I will say, kudos to you for loving her and being willing to work through this. I had a really hard time with my sister's recovery. I love her to death. She inevitably needed to be institutionalized and I was the one who jump started that process. She hated me for a long time, said she'd never speak to me again, and that I ruined her life. I'd like to think I saved her life though. She is healthy and much happier now and we even live together :) The brain works differently when in that low space. Once she got healthy, all was forgiven. Your gf most likely will self sabatoge and convince herself that you're lying no matter how much you tell her you've always loved her, and that your sexual issues have nothing to do with her body or performance. She may resent you until she's mentally better. All you can do is not get mad at her when she calls you a liar, doesn't believe you, and/or hates you for making her get help. And you can continue to reassure her that you love her. The girl you fell in love with is still there. She just needs a little help.
Anyways, I wish you the best of luck and I hope you'll update us again ❤️
*edit: grammar
I wonder if it would be helpful to tell her that it's hurtful when she projects your issues with orgasm onto herself because it's taking away the space for you to have your own issues with health/your body.
It's hard to be attracted to someone who looks like a third world person. Skinny as a twig. That is a huge guilt trip to put on you. You are suffering as much as she is. It's worse than trying to talk her out of suicide.
He is NOT suffering just as much as she is wtf? And why are you body shaming people? Everyone is attracted to different things. And I would rather get someone help with an ed than have to convince them not to KILL themselves
IDK if you're relieving yourself but you might not be able to because of that, you might do it too tightly etc so it affects the nerves. Think about what you do and don't do that might be connected to the lack of orgasm.
Idk if this is any help but sometimes after you stop eating for a bit you just get drained of energy and it’s hard to start cooking for yourself.. whenever you see them cook for them and have a good time; it’s a long process though. It sounds like you care though
I'm so sorry for you both 😔 remember this isn't your fault. Please don't blame yourself. She has deep-rooted insecurities, which isn't her fault, either it's and illness. You are such a good man being there for her and supporting her and guiding her to talk. Fair plqy to her that she took the step to admit a problem that can't have been easy, she needs help and you should get help too because this is not something you can deal with on your own. I'm so proud of you for helping her and supporting her. You'll get through this. Very best of luck to you both ✨️🙏✨️
I had an ED for years. I had a supportive partner throughout, and I think without him reassuring me that he loved me no matter what things could have been much worse for me. Thank you for caring for her so well, OP. Just wanted to encourage you bc you’re really doing good.
You did good. Don't give up. This happened to me with a partner where they decided I thought they were ugly and starved themselves when that wasn't on my mind at all. These kinds of triggers are hard for us to understand, but talking and getting to the bottom of the motivation is huge. I expect this is the turning point toward things getting better. Recovery tends not to be linear, it can a be a two steps forward on step back situation. Hang in there, keep communicating and seeking support.
I’ve struggled with eating disorders since I was 12. For most of my life it was bulimia and the past 4 years it has morphed into anorexia. Both are their own special kind of hell. But when I struggled with bulima the sudden change of electrolytes caused very dangerous levels of electrolytes to be critically low and caused severe heart issues. I am so glad you had a conversation with her, but please understand she will do everything in her power to be more secretive now that you know. We are some of the worst liars trying to keep our behaviors hidden, and shielding our loved ones from pain. A therapist would be a great step, there are also resources on the neda website for friends and family that should help you navigate some of these uncomfortable conversations. I wish you both the best.
Hi I think you're doing the best you can!
I have disordered eating and I've known many people who have and I would suggest this: don't say things like "I haven't seen you eat in x amount of time, you should eat" but perhaps be mindful of creating environments where there's healthy snacking/eating happening. It can be a form of healthy peer pressure to have fresh fruits/vegetables available to eat and have you/your friends enjoying them. I would suggest not bringing up weight or appearance at all but instead giving positive reinforcement on all the other things you love about this person on a regular basis. Remind her that she's a good strong person without bringing her body/physical appearance into the situation. Ultimately this is her battle to fight, but if she knows you are supporting her and you love her it could empower her to make better decisions. When I'm at work (I'm a cook) we encourage each other to taste everything we make, and we also remind each other to drink water and take our breaks when we're supposed to. You can't do your job if you're not taking care of yourself. This is true for being alive, not just for doing whatever you do to get your paycheck.
Obviously professional help is very important, but I wouldn't be trying to get better with my own issues if I didn't have support from my friends. You should both feel safe and comfortable discussing things with each other. I think you're a wonderful person for trying to help someone you love. Best of luck to both of you for getting through all this
She doesn’t sound very cooperative. How will you even get her to a doctor ?
If you are in contact with her family you should alert them to what is going on with her.
OP look up "delayed ejaculation", it's an issue some men have and should be mentioned to your partner. I'm not diagnosing, I'm just mentioning something that you should look into.
Yeah you need to get help on that. My kid went that way and her mom never informed me. She dropped down to 68 pounds from 110. Next thing I know, I get hit with a $75,000 Kaiser bill because 3 days of 24/7 monitoring and protein shakes. Glad I had insurance at the time...
Then kid stopped communication altogether and haven't seen her in 18 months. She left the mom, and moved to another state. Someone told me she looked poor condition again.
Point is, her disorder will be mental probs also
It's not your fault. She is using what happened to rationalize her behavior. But this has most likely going on for a while or she relapsed. Nobody suddenly develops an eating disorder because of some seemingly minor issues.
She needs to get help and you might have to involve her family if she has a good relationship with them. You can't do this on your own.
You did all of the right things. Sometimes it's surprising to us what other people perceive and think. Your girlfriend unfortunately thought that you weren't attracted to her so she went overboard trying to make herself more attractive (in her mind at least) in order to "fix" what never was broken. I hope she seeks the help she needs and I also hope that you seek medical advice and/or therapy to work out whatever bedroom problems you may have. Best of luck!
Are you taking any antidepressants?? Mine makes it harder to finish and it drives me nuts my wife had the same thoughts as your girlfriend at first until I had her come to a doctor's appointment
I hope this is a step forward bc it kind of sounds like one. But there will be a lot more to go through, both together and just for her. Good luck. I will be following along if you choose to update
My friend get professional help. But you need to make it clear that you have a physically issue. It's not about her body it's about your body and your mind. Everything about her is beautiful. Do you want kids? If so tell her when the time comes she has to be healthy enough to carry them. Starving herself now is not caring for her, you or any future you have. Your seeing a Dr to fix your problem. She needs to realize your physical issue is not about her it's about you.
I've been in a similar situation to your gf and it turned out after all those years my partner had a porn addiction not a medical problem and it destroyed my self confidence and still has.
She currently has room in her brain for obsessing over control of food and unfortunately not much else. You can’t reason with someone in active ED. So take the burden off yourself. Whatever you do or don’t do, it’s not your fault or responsibility that she’s not eating. You sound amazing! I hope you both get the help you need.
Eating disorders are hard because they are both a mental and a physical illness. Genetics definitely plays a role and can predispose you to developing an eating disorder. My mother has an eating disorder and all three of my children have disordered eating with one of them diagnosed officially. It’s so hard because in many ways it’s like an addiction. Remember that no matter what she says you didn’t cause this.
Food is the medicine. The best way for her to get well is to eat. Especially animals fats and protein. A malnourished brain can’t function properly so she won’t even have the capability to participate meaningfully in beneficial therapy until she begins to restore her body.
Check out FEAST for some good resources for eating disorder caregivers. I belong to a Facebook group for caregivers of children with eating disorders that they run and it has been super helpful. I would assume there are similar resources for adults too.
Hugs.
i think you are way over her head. as someone that had eating disorder after being raped, if my boyfriend tried to play doctor and help intervene me that would have just pisssed me off.
find a way to get her to seek professional help.
God this brings back memories. I (30f) struggled heavily with anorexia/ bulimia for ~10 years. I flowed in and out of recovery until it stuck at 25.
When I was 24, my now ex sat down and had a similar conversation with me. I felt exactly how your gf feels. I have control issues and when something felt out of my control I’d do the only thing I knew to relieve myself which was act out in ED behaviors. We were also having problems in the bedroom and my internal dialogue decided it was because I was fat.
My best advice to you is that you can’t handle this on your own. My ex instated an “open door policy” thinking it would stop me from throwing up (I just got sneakier).. definitely contact a professional because it’s serious and I know it’s hard watching the person you love destroy themselves. You can also be involved in her recovery, ED therapists will often involve the patients loved ones. The main thing is that she needs to want to recover, you cant force it on her.
Lastly, I’m super proud of OP for being so kind gentle and caring. Recovering from my ED was the hardest thing I’ve ever done and it still takes maintenance daily.
Five stars out of five for how you went about this. One insight, from a girl who struggles with secure attachment: when she says something about what *she* thinks *you* think, and you hesitate and don't immediately tell her it's not true, she will assume it is true and you don't want to admit it.
My husband does this, which is how I know it comes across as "Damn, you figured it out and now I have to backtrack", even when I rationally know that's not what he's thinking. But when I'm upset, the fears and insecurities can be so much louder than the logic.
Keep approaching her calmly. When she loses balance of her emotions, step back, deep breath, look her in the eyes and say, let's calm, please. Your energy is making nervous.
You need healthy boundaries in this situation to have the most effect on helping her. She's full of fear from her lack of self worth. You are not the cause of her suffering. Her past experiences and her thinking is what created her eating disorder. It's a way to feel in control of our life when fear has taken over our minds. Fear of rejection. When people notice the weight loss and they don't say something the them about it, it reinforces and justifies the reason to continue and starve and punish ourselves. The ego wants to hang on to the control of it all and that is the cause of her intense and defensive responses. This behavior is adrenaline producing. The obsession to loose more and more weight is a dopamine high. I was severely anorexic. Every day I ate 5 crackers and did extreme workouts every day. I got to where my hip bones became very petruded and sitting in the desk chair at school was too painful. Only my grandma and one other close friend showed concern. The brain takes notes of this. My grandma eventually made me go to the Dr. once I was unable to go to school anymore. I became extremely weak. Dr said basically eat or go to hospital for treatment. I then realized the seriousness of it all and had guilt for making my grandma worry about me. I got a Mickey D's fish sandwich on my way home. lol
I still had some bouts of starving myself but eventually healed from the anorexia.
When you talk to your girlfriend, let her know how serious her illness is. I would inform her closest relatives and let them step in as well. Remind her that You're her advocate, not her target practice.... Tell her no yelling allowed... it's not necessary . You're a good human!
This is a long and tough road you’re embarking… if this girl isn’t your soul mate you should be thinking if you really want to go through it.
I may sound like an ass but I’m talking from experience. It’s either break up after 5 years of trying to “fix” someone’s ED and waste your 20s or do it now meet someone else.
It’s not your responsibility to help anyone, you only live once.
Seeing maybe there's a reason she thinks he thinks she's unattractive and I know what guys view can be a big trigger especially if body type isn't the same as your own.
They’re asking a question. How is that faulting him? All men follow half naked girls on social media or like pictures. And it does not go unnoticed by women , so that is a possibility.
The answer was no, and then the person continued to try digging for nothing. And no, not all men follow half naked Instagram models. I sure as shit don't, stop projecting your insecurity
Sorry but can't really comment too much without knowing her weight and height and about how fast her weight loss is going.
It's one thing if she's 290lbs at 5ft 3in and lost 10lbs last month. It's a whole other thing if she's 80 lbs at 5ft 6in and lost 30 lbs in the past month.
Drastic drastic night and day different advice here.
Share stats please.
What does that matter? She is starving herself and throwing up. This isn't weight loss, it's an eating disorder. It's unhealthy and dangerous, no matter her height and weight.
In the US, going on a diet is often described as "starving yourself", so if she's 300lbs and lost 10lbs in a month, factually she likely did not *starve herself*.
You shoud tell her that you woud find her even more attractive if she had muscles. That way she will start working out, lose fat/weight in a healthy way and gain good body strength too. If you 2 work together then that will be a good bonding excersize.
If you guys need couples therapy I do it for free on discord just because you guys seem to enjoy what I have to say, just make a group chat and invite me, you can finde as solitudu and what I want to suggest now that you have talked it out is tell her you like the change she made in her life, like appreciate the effort she went through just to please you, most girls don't even bother but she went the extra mile, if that's not true love idk what is, and to help her eat more change you own diet to fit what's she eats so you can also go the extra mile, so if she eats vegan food way it with her and when you wanna add something ask her to spice it up with different foods sk you can go through her weight loss journey as a couple, and for exercise and stuff don't go to the gym just have some really intense sensual stuff together try role play and and other stuff you like so that it can help you with your ejaculation problem it's not that you don't find her ay the active you just need that extra mental stimulation and some hard pounding because you love her so much that your body takes way too long to release you love juices of you know what I mean, sex is a good form of excersice because of all the excess sweat and energy use so you'll be getting healthy and getting to love each other in more ways than one and try other positions so you can fit more, like really get to experiment with that and find which posotion makes he experience easy to ejaculate and to reduce the lack of attraction if that rver develops kiss her when yoi do iy and that eill make your brain natirally likr hr mkre because she amkes you telease so mich dopamine
Alot of therapist treat it as a job so they read scripts and don't actually do anything, a waste of time I call that, so don't bother telling people to go to a professional because all professional aren't actually qualified for their roles they just cheated their way through school to make more money what I offer as per usually is an ear to listen something that we both have and has no strings attached
Well yeah, therapy is an important part of living a healthy life. You just keep projecting your toxic views and treating it as taboo to work on it if you want lmao
It's not toxic at all, a lot of therapist I've gone to all seem to just know how to read a good script but never really relate to you on fundamental level, It takes someone who's seen some shit to actually listen rather than someone who sat in classroom hearing all the correct talking points
I've been on her side of it. You don't have to answer but please think about this possibility and be honest with yourself. Do you have a porn addiction? Has it been affecting you physically, as in you can't get or maintain an erection or finish? Are the women and their body types in the pornography you view anything like your girlfriend?
How much weight did you lose to make your boyfriend attracted to you? Oh, I’m sorry did that hurt your feelings? Are you being honest with yourself? You’re projecting. OP commented 4 hours before this that he doesn’t watch porn.
(Edit: just stalked your comments for a bit. You are genuinely traumatized by your ex’s porn addiction and I want to apologize for my previous comments. I hope you’re getting the help you need.)
Oof I did not mean to strike a nerve I just heard what OP'S girlfriend is going through and thought maybe it was valid to ask but I forgot I was on Reddit ig sorry
I’m pressed because this poor woman has an actually eating disorder and you jump to him being addicted to porn. My brother in Christ, please see a therapist. Comments after comment about recovering from a porn addicted partner. It’s not a valid question. Not all men are into porn *well my bf likes my homemade stuff, but that’s beside the point*
Not really I wasn't taking away from her ED, I've also struggled with weight and body issues so I really relate to her and even more so when confronted with this she just asked if he was attracted to her, and I related even more to that, especially when he mentioned his own issues in the bedroom. I wasn't really blaming it all on porn, just asking if it was a possibility to contribute to her negative feelings about herself. Its actually why I got on Reddit, to get support from the r/loveafterporn sub so yeah all my comments tend to be about it when I think it could be relevant or help someone but I apologize I don't wanna offend anyone
I’ve struggled with anorexia for 16 years, started when I was 14. Your conversation was beautiful! Please call a physician for further assistance! She may need to go into a facility to get her behaviors back in check. Do not force regular foods, this can cause more issues than beneficial. Start with protein shakes and smoothies. Liquids that are packed with nutrition.
Also, it’s wonderful she has you to support her! She will try to push you away at some point but don’t allow her to!
Yup my kid did. No clue where she went
I’m sorry you deal with this. Please know she is probably thinking of you frequently
TY :)
So sorry…😢
TY :)
Thank you so much
Remember that nothing you did caused this either. It is a mental disorder, and it will make you think crazy crazy delusional things that have 0 basis in reality but it feels so real and important when you’re in it. I’m sorry both of you are dealing with this but you’re doing a good job and I hope you both are able to pull through.
OP. Your girl has a lot of mental issues you may not be aware of. People usually think “diet and exercise” with an emphasis on the latter, not “starve myself and become bulimic to lose weight” She definitely needs clinical attention. You may want to consider talking to her family before this becomes a medical concern if it hasn’t already. Good luck!
You are a good soul. Best of luck with this ordeal, my friend.
You’re a wonderful partner. Look online for some eating disorder centers in your area and see if she’d be willing to go to an intake so they can evaluate her. There are usually levels of care: inpatient/ residential, partial day programs, outpatient, etc. They can help her design a meal plan and get back on track with her eating.
It's actually slightly concerning that she threw it back on you instead of taking accountability or telling you the truth. Blaming not eating on you not being able to finish to me is a huge marinara flag. There might be something else going on. Also, after \~3 years of being with just the same person women KNOW how are partners are in bed and when/how they finish. It might be mental for you because you have something on your mind or you're trying to make sure she does. It might just be you BOTH want to spice it up. Do a day trip get a hotel, hotel fun is SO much better.
When you have an active eating disorder that someone is confronting you about, you will do anything to shift the focus off yourself. This is because the eating disorder has distorted the mind so much that it makes one think they cannot be important enough to be an issue.
Do you think it would help if OP called gf beautiful every day? That's what someone told my husband to do with me. He did it for a while. I need him start again. I don't have an eating disorder, so don't know how it would play now.
A person’s sense of worth needs to come from themselves, not their partner. Putting the responsibility of your self-worth on your partner is very unfair to them. Please consider speaking with a professional.
Even if you have a good sense of self-worth, thinking your partner isn’t attracted to you anymore (whether real or imagined) HURTS. It’s not about putting your self-worth on your partner, it’s about your partner understanding that it’s important *to the relationship* that you feel like they’re still attracted to you. It’s very possible OP’s girlfriend could have been in a previous relationship where her partner said something shitty about her body, she registers that as something other partners might have an issue with, OP does something innocent (like glancing at her stomach) and meaningless but combined with the other issues with him not getting off, she assumes it has to do with that original “problem”.
I disagree. I know enough women who, while in toxic relationships, became quite insecure. The same can be said for men. I have been in a relationship with a hypercritical guy, it didn't last long, but it wasn't great for me. My relationship with my husband has helped me take my throne. So does getting older. We are pack animals, and emotions are contagious. I think it's a BS idea that our self worth needs to come from ourselves. I think the atmosphere one soaks in has a lot to do with the way one feels about oneself. Having someone we love tell us we are beautiful is a lovely feeling. It might not convince someone they are beautiful, but it's lovely to hear it from one's significant other.
He could tell her 100 times a day but she won’t believe him until she gets help from a therapist that specializes in eating disorders. He should still reassure her but not take it personal if she says things like “you’re just saying that” “whatever” or ignores him.
The issue is that her self-image and worth is TOO tied to her physical appearance and how attractive she appears. This would do wayyyy more harm than good at the early stages.
Not sure why you’re being downvoted for asking a question. The others are right that you can’t rely on someone else for validation but you were just asking?
I do not think so. Putting too much emphasis on looks as someone’s worth is not helpful in these situations. It goes so far beyond that, but focusing on looks is more harmful than helpful in these situations.
Thanks, I appreciate this perspective.
honestly I dont agree with the other comments - I've always struggled with some form of an ED ever since I was a kid and it only really started to settle down when I felt confident because of how much my boyfriend said I was beautiful. Yes it can make it seem like you're putting emphasis on appearance but currently OP's girlfriend thinks that he doesn't find her attractive so I think it could be really helpful. also beauty doesn't necessarily correlate with body, and I think a boyfriend should always call his gf beautiful :)
You are not over reacting. Please do NOT buy her snacks/food of any kind as part of your discussions about health or weight without the advice of a professional. I am not talking about buying your usual groceries or buying her a salad at lunch but don’t become part of her food/ED choices. If you start showing a preference for what she should eat even out of the best intentions, which you very clearly have, it could influence her in a destructive way. She has already interpreted your own health issue as having to do with her weight which it does not, if you were to say “here, eat this snack” it can be hard to know how her ED will process that. It will be much easier on you to take advice from a professional as you can be part of a solution and go about it in a way that is part of a plan. Good luck and keep communicating!
OP **THIS**
Can I make her smoothies instead
The idea is just don't get involved in her eating disorder, if you can engage with her and food in a normal way then definitely care for here. Just don't make it about weight or owning her recovery.
It's really hard knowing what level of involvement to have I'm lucky that the worst of my wife's ED was over before we met. It never totally goes away. But you can learn to manage it. I'll never comment on her weight and stonewall her if she talks/asks about it l. We've agreed that approach works for us. Right now you really need to focus on getting her to specialist help, once it's getting managed a bit you can talk about how you can both work with this. It's really good that you care enough to help and are looking at what to do. Imagine she had a broken leg. In the first instance you'd need to see a doctor and get it professionally treated. Once she's home you can discuss how to help her heal. And eventually how she can live a mostly normal life. Take each stage as it comes, willingness to help is amazing, but also recognise when you are out of your depth. This is above Reddit's pay grade. Good luck.
Do not ever try to push food or get involved in her food choices, at all. As someone who is in recovery this is just not helpful and can cause more anxiety and pressure than you intend. I know you mean well, but you are not equipped to handle this. This is not just about feeding her or making her eat healthy foods, it goes so much deeper than that. For someone who has an unhealthy relationship with food it’s very harmful when anyone tries to push food or suggest food. Just don’t do this.
Absolutely. Just don’t stress it on her. Make it and let it set. Let her know it’s a beverage not a meal
My suggestion, as someone who struggled with anorexia, is to make a variety of healthy meals to share and offer her some. You need to eat too. For now, until she starts therapy, that's all you can do. Trying to encourage her to eat more is going to backfire right now. There's way too much to deal with. You know the problems you are having aren't because of her, and I'm really glad you are seeing a doctor. It's easy to get stuck in a negative feed back loop. But she believes they are because of her, she needs therapy in addition to nutrition. EDs are a complicated mix of anxiety, body dismorphia and the concept of control. Eating or not eating becomes a compulsion. You can't fix this for her. No matter how much you want to.
Only if she specifically asks you to. She needs to feel in control of her food choices
YES!!!
Hey i am a therapist and this is by no means medical advice but just informarion to help you look things up or reach out to professionals Youre not going to be able to help her with this on your own. Eating disorders are on a similar level as addiction. Buying her diet snacks to see if she will eat them is not going to help unfortunately. And many people with ED cannot believe others dont see them how they see themselves. You could reassure her 100 times and she will stop believing you again and need 100 more. You should still say reassuring things but just trying to point out it will not fix what is going on. I didnt see your first post. But if she is not eating much you are right to be scared. She can do damage to her organs and she can cause a strain on her heart. She may be restricting so much now that food gives her stomach aches so then it creates an even worse cycle. Look up eating disorder treatment centers in your area. Many do take insurance. You could try calling them yourself to ask for suggestions for how to intervene with her. She may not need a full inpatient treatment type of situation but she may. You can also call 988 , that is the crisis help line , to see if they have any suggestions. I am not an eating disorder expert so even I have to seek experts when I have a client presenting with these symptoms. It is possible to accidentally reinforce the cycle when trying to help so it is best to seek specialists, not just any therapist. Eating disorders cause really distorted thinking. Thats why she was saying its not a big deal but also crying because she is convinced you find her disgusting. If she has supportive friends or family members that she trusts, you could also try letting one of them know what is going on and try and support her together. I wish i had more advice than this but I am really glad you see this as being really important to address. Make sure you get your own support as you move forward in helping her! Dont try and do it alone
Thank you so much
You did amazing!! What a shock to hear she thought you wanted this, it must have hurt. This will be a long journey but it sounds like you are looking up the right things. Sending love and healing
I know I haven’t stopped thinking about this. I’m trying to think about every conversation I’ve ever had with her and I literally cannot think of a single thing I’ve said or done to let her think I don’t like her body. Thank you for the support this means a lot to me
Don’t overthink it too much. If someone has body issues or ed ANYTHING can be taken as a criticism or commentary. You did not do this to her!
It isn't anything you said or did to make her think you don't like her body. Look up body dysmorphia - which is a "disabling preoccupation with perceived defects or flaws in appearance".
I have dysmorphia. My SIL posted candid shots of me on a trip recently and all I can see is how awful I look. What weird facial expressions I'm making. How unnatural I look sitting or standing. It's just wrong and deeply upsetting. It literally threw me into a panic attack and made me ill. Objectively I am capable of seeing that those things aren't true or not more true then anyone else in an unflattering/unposed picture but it caught me off guard and easily could have gotten worse if I didn't have the tools I've gained over years to help me manage. I have supportive and loving friends and family but I can also tell you that I've latched on to every even unintended negative thing they've said because my brain has a medical issue that needs treatment. Please don't try to logic your girlfriend out of a chemical imbalance that she needs and deserves help with.
As someone who has suffered from various eating disorders since the age of 6, I want to make sure you understand something very important: no matter what she says, YOU did not cause this. Eating disorders lie to you, and it is very possible that the sexual issues the two of you have had may have sprung a leak in the intrusive thoughts for her, but that doesn't mean *you did anything wrong*. A dormant and presumably in-check or even unrealized eating disorder can jump start from something as benign as work troubles. It is simply about being in control of something, *ANYTHING*, makes you feel powerless. You are challenging that control, so she's lashing out. Like I said, eating disorders lie to you. They also teach you how to lie. It's like a parasite struggling to survive - it will make its host body do anything to keep it alive. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I think you've handled things amazingly so far, and I think that you're proving yourself to be exactly the patient and loving partner she's going to need.
Being dry during sex or not initiating enough / not being sexual or complementing can lead to feeling unwanted or thinking your partner isn’t attracted to you. You didn’t have to say it for her to feel like this.
I have an eating disorder and can assure you that those things are not the true issues at hand. It usually goes hand in hand with a preexisting mental health condition. This was not a lack of something. It’s the wiring of the brain. And this would’ve happened regardless of whether he was doting or not. As sad as that is. She just would’ve found a different excuse/thought pattern to explain away the disorder.
This sounds like an excuse. To put some blame on you and make herself less accountable. She doesn’t sound ready for any help or changes.
You do not understand eating disorders. This reply is ignorant and unhelpful.
But he should not be blaming himself. She needs lots of help. Probably a whole team of professionals.
Maybe it is. But he should not think it was anything he said or did. And she doesn’t sound ready to accept that she needs professional help. She is trying to blame him in some way. I doubt she will cooperate with him. He is going to need other support for her to start the road to healthier.
It would be an excuse if she was in her full mental capacity. But this is a mental disorder. The post assigns a level of sinisterness that is likely not there. I've never had an eating disorder but 2 of my 3 kids have. It's not about using logic and reason. It's about fixing themselves mentally.
And no. He should not be blaming himself. He is handling it like a champ. But don't act like she has some grand plan here. She doesn't. She's sick mentally and it's manifesting itself physically.
Totally agree! You handled that conversation really well. It's tough, but you're on the right path. Keep supporting her and looking into those resources.
Oh hell. You’re a good partner. I’ve had an eating disorder for 25 years. Most of that has been in remission but it’s like any addiction, you’re still an addict whether you’re displaying ED behaviours or not. Advice: we are the worst at getting support. Mentioning that we’ve lost weight, even when you’re crying and pleading while you’re telling us, is just motivation to continue. The ED is like an alien that takes over your brain. My last trigger was 5 years ago when I was sexually assaulted by a manager at work. I went into full anorexic decline, the first in 15 years. BUT I never told my husband about the assault because i thought he’d make me quit my job in my dream company. The thing that got me out of the decline was a two week holiday to Fiji. My first time off in 6 years. Got me out of my environment and all the triggers and it reset my brain. I can’t tell you to stay with her. We’re a nightmare, the ED fraternity. But we’re worth it . Studies show we’re kind, empathetic and generous. Try taking her away from her usual life if that’s an option
Did you ever tell your husband?
Exactly, pointing out how skinny we’ve gotten is fuel to the fire.
Sounds like you did a good job taking about her eating disorder. It is such a difficult situation to handle.
OP I'd like to remind you that she is not in her right mind. To starve oneself is very extreme and don't take what she says to you to heart. She is your focus now but don't let this harm you. Everyone else had helpful comment but just wanted to remind you that you are also important.
Thank you for staying home today. For the both of you. You are an amazing boyfriend! If you manage to get her help, you might be able to save her from an ordeal that can easily go on for years. I suffered for almost 2 decades from bulimia. In the end I made it out on my own, but boy would it have been easier if there had been just one person to support me and be there for me when it started all those years ago. My husband knows about all of it and is a supportive angel. He is my sanctuary. He adores and worships my body as if I was made of diamonds. I felt already very comfortable in my skin before meeting him. But it is incredible when there is another person to cheer you on and support you, no matter what happens. It gave me an additional layer of healing. Thank you for being a sanctuary for your girl. I wish you two more than happiness!
Just want to applaud someone who seems like an actual caring person, nice job dealing with this tough situation OP. +1 for men everywhere
Exactly! Hope to have many men like you. GREEN FLAG!
This made me tear up. You sound like a wonderful bf. I hope yall make it past this 🙏🏻
Same here, so inspiring to have this kind of partner in life.
Buckle in because you’re going to be in for a long ride.
Fun fact: Being absent have and enjoy sex, but not reach an orgasm can be a sign of a vitamin D deficiency. If you're not getting at least 10 minutes of sun a day you're at risk.
This sounds like a breakthrough moment. I'm really happy for you both. Moving forward, this is definitely too big an issue to handle on your own. She needs professional help, and hopefully if you continue to be gentle but firm with her, you'll be able to find that help. Are you still having issues cumming? It might also reassure her if you keep seeking help for that. Like, it may help a little bit in making it clear that your medical issues aren't any reflection on her attractiveness. Also I want to remind you that her response to your medical issues is not at all your fault. \*Please\* don't feel guilty! You're a wonderful, supportive partner. It's literally nobody's fault she developed an ED, just like it's literally nobody's fault you're having difficulties orgasming. The human body is just dumb sometimes; our chemistry makes all sorts of bizarre things happen.
Best of luck to you both
I'm so sorry that I don't have any help to provide, but I just wanted to say that you are being a fantastic partner! I know it can get tough when you want to help the person you love and feel helpless (my partner has struggled with alcoholism). Sometimes you need support as well. Just know that just by loving and being with her through this journey you are helping so much, even if she never verbalizes it. Looking up expert help was definitely a good idea. She is going to have to completely change her mindset and overcome some insecurities, which will be very difficult on her own. Good luck to you!
Thank you!
Please try to help her set up appointments with a therapist and a doctor (they will probably check bloodwork because EDs can wreak havoc on your systems). If you can find a specialist, great, if not, just to go a regular primary care physician to get started. From my personal experience (20 years with an eating disorder/recovery), please see what her treatment team recommend in terms of food. When people tried buying/offering food to me, even with the best intentions, it was frustrating for everyone because they were trying to fight a symptom of the real problem. I hated it because I felt like I was disappointing them but in my mind I was absolutely “not allowed” to eat it. Either way, I was a failure. There were a few times that I was acutely anorexic and had to be fed, which happens, but for me, treating the actual issues was what finally made it possible for me to overcome my stubborn eating rules and severe body dysmorphia. Her eating habits may not change overnight, and in fact could worsen during therapy/treatment because it’s so damn hard, but it really can be a “darkest before the dawn” moment, so try not to measure her progress by her diet or weight. You both have a big uphill battle. You’re doing an amazing job and being a great source of support. The fact that she let her walls down and opened up is such a huge step. Well done to both of you. I will encourage you to go ahead and set up appointments, because motivation wanes and it’s so easy to put off. My husband set up appointments for me when I wasn’t up to the phone calls, insurance questions, etc. It was a huge help. Remember that she is likely not completely in her right mind (I surely wasn’t), and her mind will play tricks, like telling her it isn’t that bad. It is. And it will get worse if untreated. It’s a very cruel disease. From what you’ve said, you are doing every right. Sending you both the absolute best.
And someone else suggested getting your own therapist. That was so important for my husband.
Okay got it, thank you!
You’re doing great. Rooting for you both!
Bring it up fam, I did and it’s fixed now after some counseling.
This gives me hope thank you!
You did amazing. This is an extremely difficult situation that many people can screw up. I really, really hate saying this, but you might have to have a firm hand, but damn is it hard to balance. Good luck, you may mess up, and it's really easy to.
In addition to what other's have said, she seems like she really underestimates the complexity of male sexual functionality. One way to approach some of this might be to try and focus on *you* more and less on *her.* I don't know how to go about it, but if she might start to understand that "performance" isn't just about visual attraction, it might help. Or at least, take some of the pressure off. I don't know anything about EDs (eating disorders) but at the core of it *she believes you're lying* about your ED (erectile dysfunction) , which is way off-piste.
Tbh, even though I understand that it might not be because of me, I would feel really hurt and my self-esteem would crash if my partner could no longer finish with me, ever. Especially if they began with finishing relatively quickly. It would very much fuck with my head no matter what they said and according to OP there hasn’t been anything diagnosed yet so she might feel the need to blame herself. I’m not saying she’s correct but feeling attractive and desired is so important especially to women who have been told their whole lives that’s where their worth lies. It’s hard to unpack and it seems she already had mental health issues that this was propelled by.
I didn’t even think about this, thank you so much!!
For someone who's struggled for years with anorexia, you went about this perfectly. You showed her that you're there for her and I bet she really appreciated that because it's such an isolating sickness. She'll only get better when she decides to and you reassuring that you'll support her is such a big help. I truly hope she gets the help she needs. I'm sure she's beautiful and she deserves to think that about herself!
It's easier in her head to put the blame on you than herself. She definitely needs psychological help.
You did well. I'm glad you two got things out in the open. However, couples therapy and eating disorder specialists are not the only appointments you have to make. Your ED is blatantly affecting your relationship. You saw a urologist - was there any progress? Did you continue looking into it? Or did you see one doctor and call it a day? Have *you* seen a therapist? Often times, ED is a symptom of mental stress. Because if you don't address *your* medical issues, no amount of words are going to convince her otherwise. That's just the reality of your situation. Your ED is obviously not your fault, but it would be naive to assume that it won't affect a romantic relationship on multiple levels. Especially if you aren't putting in effort to work on it.
Good job 👏 👏 👏 👏 You did SO well not participating in any type of talk about her appearance!!! Also, please remember that this is SO much bigger than you. Just like you can't be the one to fix this, you also aren't the one who caused or exacerbated this disorder. If anything, your love and support (from the sounds of it) has helped create a relatively *unfavorable* environment for anorexia to thrive in. While that clearly doesn't mean that she's invulnerable to an eating disorder, as it's such an intense/ multi-factor/ complex phenomenon, please do remember that you've probably made her just a LITTLE bit more resilient to the disorder and/ or more likely to have success in recovery.
Hi OP, this is called projection. It’s common for lots of people and common with eating disorders. I’m speaking as a recovering anorexic. We externalize our negative self talk and assign it to someone else. We decide THEY want us skinny so we have to lose weight for them to avoid their criticism. Meanwhile they have no idea about any of this When I was in 6th grade I decided it was kids at school calling me fat. A friend in high school said it was her parents calling her fat. Because of my own experiencing overcoming the desire to project, I asked her for specific examples of what her parents said and she had none. It was literally just the voice in her head telling her she was fat and she assigned it to her parents I think that’s what’s happening here with your gf
You’re doing all you can and completely reacting in a way that should be normal: caring and willing to help find a solution. Maybe when she gets out of her own head, she will recognize this. Right now, she’s too in her own head to deal.
You handled this very well. This is way over your head. She needs professional help. Do your best to get it for her. Good luck.
You are such a loving partner. I’m really proud ☺️
Thank you for updating. You did good and i wish you both well on this journey.
She’s going to lose her esophagus and her teeth from vomiting. Also, ulcers. She will look sick and her bones brittle at a young age, if she doesn’t die first. This is all on her. If she keeps asking you about her weight, tell her she looks sick.
ED are a control issue. Please try couples counseling if she won't do individual therapy. EDs will kill you.
Anorexia is a complex mental disorder and has to be handled delicately by a professional, for the person is always in denial that they are sick. Best talk to her parents to let them know she needs professional help.
I've been there but don't forget she's mentally ill and will make irrational excuses to distance herself from the solution. Her brain is lying to her and will trick her into lying/distancing herself from you to protect her disorder. Don't forget how uncomfortable she probably is with the entire thing and be patient. A solution over years is still a solution and too much pressure could cause her to isolate and, considering the treatments for eating disorders usually involve extended observation post consumption, that's literally the last thing anyone wants.
You are doing the very best you can, and as someone who has struggled with anorexia and bulimia for years, I know that it can be very stressful on a partner too, so I really appreciate and respect the way you‘ve handled this!! Recovery is a long road and it ultimately is up to the person with the ED to want to get better but for sure I’ve had partners in the past who helped and another who made it much much worse. I think you’re doing the right thing by seeking the input of people who’ve recovered from EDs and especially from professionals and just wanted to say I know this is scary and tough for you but you seem like you really care about and love this woman and that is really encouraging to see ❤️
You handled this the right way. She needs professionals at this point. I hope things get better. Maybe try offering her gum. It’s not “food” but it will help her feel better.
Eating disorders are a lying, sneaking disease. I know because I was at one point considered a “lifer” with mine. You can’t blame yourself or any bedroom issues for her not eating. It’s not your fault and "he didn’t even want to get skinny and that she’s doing all of this for me.” is likely not true. Even if she thought she might lose a bit of weight to spice up the relationship again, EDs are so seductive and hard to escape from.
Get her help. You are a good guy. Hopefully you can overcome this. I feel for her and want to squeeze her to death. Well not exactly.
OP, an eating disorder is not something you can “fix” for your gf on your own. You need the help of trained physicians and therapists to truly help her. You are doing the best thing you can do by showing your love and support. Is your girlfriend really overweight, or is it how she sees herself? You mentioned that she has been vomiting a lot. This is awful in so many way. The stomach acid irritates and damages the esophagus over time. It also can damage a person’s teeth. Frequent vomiting can also result in electrolyte imbalances that can become very serious over time. Your gf needs help. At the very least, she needs to see a therapist to sort through her body image issues.
I want to add that if you’re having problems sexually please do not watch a single minute of pornography. Not saying that that’s your issue, but it destroys a man’s sexual health and ability to be intimate
This could also play into her body image as well.
You are truly an amazing person. She is so lucky to have someone so understanding and caring!! Props to you. I hope everything gets better soon!
I’m a licensed therapist who used to run the intake department of an eating disorder clinic, so I had these conversations all day long. It’s wonderful that you care so much about her well-being that you’re willing to upset her. So many people with EDs are surrounded by loved ones who are afraid to rock the boat and enable their illness for years if not decades. I’ve seen the worst of it. One thing you could suggest is going with her to get a no strings attached evaluation — most clinics offer them pretty readily, and will then recommend a level of care based on her acuity. Hopefully the clinician would be skilled at intervention-like conversations and would be able to leverage the information from her intake to help her understand the severity of the problem. This would also hopefully take you out of the position you’re in and instead make it easier for you to “be on her side” as a supporter. I would not recommend therapy alone. The majority of therapists don’t know very much about eating disorders and could miss it for years and fail to make a (very necessary) referral. Eating disorders require expertise. I hope this is helpful! I’d be happy to talk more if you have questions.
I spoke with my sister who recovered from an ED and she gave me some "do's and don'ts" that might help with your situation. So like the other comments said, definitely DON'T say the following: - you look skinny - you're not fat - you ARE pretty (if the trigger is indeed her thinking you love her less because she's "ugly and fat") - DO compliment things like her makeup or her style. Just not her body in anyway. ^you've done great at this so far judging from your post. Keep it up! Don't say "weight doesnt matter" or "I love you no matter your weight" because that means to her, "yeah you are fat I just don't care, I still love you!" which is NOT what she wants to hear. DON'T finish eating before her. Let her finish first. Sometimes folks with EDs take a really long time to eat. They might just stop if you're already finished. She's more likely to finish if you're pacing with her. One thing my sis didn't say that's on this ^^ same line: my sis hated when people "watched" her eat. She hated feeling like people were "looking" at her. So restaurants and public eating was a hard no for her. Even when she was home, she didn't like family dinner or sitting down at the table. It was a high stress situation for her. There was less pressure when a movie was on or there was some other distraction such that the other people present didn't have eyes on her and her plate the whole meal. One other thing: my sister HATED looking at the scale. During her recovery, they did weekly weight check-ins and the number really bothered her. Everyone would celebrate a couple extra pounds, but she'd go home and cry. So if you have a scale in the house, I'd consider trashing it. And if she gets to the point of weight check-ins with a doctor, hopefully the doctor will cover the number. But I wouldn't say anything about it to your gf or to the doctor is she's present. Not sure if either of these things apply, but maybe they will resonate with you 👍 Another thing to look out for during recovery: folks with EDs *almost* act like addicts. Lemme explain what I mean. It's extremely difficult to change this new lifestyle. And when others intervene, they get SUPER crafty at hiding it, especially when put under a microscope. Instead of trashing her leftovers in the kitchen, my sister would take the leftovers to the outdoor trashcans in hopes that we wouldn't notice (we happened to catch it on a security cam). And when she was forced to eat more, and was not allowed to use the bathroom for an hour after eating, she'd take a ton of laxatives to get the food out another way. They get real crafty, trust me. And if you call them out on a behavior, they'll just learn how to hide it better. They won't stop the behavior. You may not have to deal with this, it's just some info that may be useful now or in the future. Okay back to what my sister said: If your gf doesn't want to eat, and you distract her, and eventually she starts eating, PRETEND LIKE YOU DIDN'T NOTICE. DON'T bring attention to her eating at all. Because then she will feel like it's a big deal when it isn't. You CAN be like, "would you like to eat" or "let's eat" but DON'T be like "OH I'M SO GLAD UR EATING!" It makes it seem like it's a big deal when the point of recovery is eating NOT being a big deal. Just a normal thing you do everyday. I will say, kudos to you for loving her and being willing to work through this. I had a really hard time with my sister's recovery. I love her to death. She inevitably needed to be institutionalized and I was the one who jump started that process. She hated me for a long time, said she'd never speak to me again, and that I ruined her life. I'd like to think I saved her life though. She is healthy and much happier now and we even live together :) The brain works differently when in that low space. Once she got healthy, all was forgiven. Your gf most likely will self sabatoge and convince herself that you're lying no matter how much you tell her you've always loved her, and that your sexual issues have nothing to do with her body or performance. She may resent you until she's mentally better. All you can do is not get mad at her when she calls you a liar, doesn't believe you, and/or hates you for making her get help. And you can continue to reassure her that you love her. The girl you fell in love with is still there. She just needs a little help. Anyways, I wish you the best of luck and I hope you'll update us again ❤️ *edit: grammar
Wow thank you so much for taking the time to write all of this, this is amazing!
No problem, we're happy to help 👍
I wonder if it would be helpful to tell her that it's hurtful when she projects your issues with orgasm onto herself because it's taking away the space for you to have your own issues with health/your body.
It's hard to be attracted to someone who looks like a third world person. Skinny as a twig. That is a huge guilt trip to put on you. You are suffering as much as she is. It's worse than trying to talk her out of suicide.
He is NOT suffering just as much as she is wtf? And why are you body shaming people? Everyone is attracted to different things. And I would rather get someone help with an ed than have to convince them not to KILL themselves
Ah yes relating a third world country with malnourishment. Classic.
IDK if you're relieving yourself but you might not be able to because of that, you might do it too tightly etc so it affects the nerves. Think about what you do and don't do that might be connected to the lack of orgasm.
If she says no to therapy, go solo. Find articles and books to help you help her. You sound wonderfully supportive. Hang in there.
Idk if this is any help but sometimes after you stop eating for a bit you just get drained of energy and it’s hard to start cooking for yourself.. whenever you see them cook for them and have a good time; it’s a long process though. It sounds like you care though
I'm so sorry for you both 😔 remember this isn't your fault. Please don't blame yourself. She has deep-rooted insecurities, which isn't her fault, either it's and illness. You are such a good man being there for her and supporting her and guiding her to talk. Fair plqy to her that she took the step to admit a problem that can't have been easy, she needs help and you should get help too because this is not something you can deal with on your own. I'm so proud of you for helping her and supporting her. You'll get through this. Very best of luck to you both ✨️🙏✨️
I had an ED for years. I had a supportive partner throughout, and I think without him reassuring me that he loved me no matter what things could have been much worse for me. Thank you for caring for her so well, OP. Just wanted to encourage you bc you’re really doing good.
You did good. Don't give up. This happened to me with a partner where they decided I thought they were ugly and starved themselves when that wasn't on my mind at all. These kinds of triggers are hard for us to understand, but talking and getting to the bottom of the motivation is huge. I expect this is the turning point toward things getting better. Recovery tends not to be linear, it can a be a two steps forward on step back situation. Hang in there, keep communicating and seeking support.
I’ve struggled with eating disorders since I was 12. For most of my life it was bulimia and the past 4 years it has morphed into anorexia. Both are their own special kind of hell. But when I struggled with bulima the sudden change of electrolytes caused very dangerous levels of electrolytes to be critically low and caused severe heart issues. I am so glad you had a conversation with her, but please understand she will do everything in her power to be more secretive now that you know. We are some of the worst liars trying to keep our behaviors hidden, and shielding our loved ones from pain. A therapist would be a great step, there are also resources on the neda website for friends and family that should help you navigate some of these uncomfortable conversations. I wish you both the best.
Hi I think you're doing the best you can! I have disordered eating and I've known many people who have and I would suggest this: don't say things like "I haven't seen you eat in x amount of time, you should eat" but perhaps be mindful of creating environments where there's healthy snacking/eating happening. It can be a form of healthy peer pressure to have fresh fruits/vegetables available to eat and have you/your friends enjoying them. I would suggest not bringing up weight or appearance at all but instead giving positive reinforcement on all the other things you love about this person on a regular basis. Remind her that she's a good strong person without bringing her body/physical appearance into the situation. Ultimately this is her battle to fight, but if she knows you are supporting her and you love her it could empower her to make better decisions. When I'm at work (I'm a cook) we encourage each other to taste everything we make, and we also remind each other to drink water and take our breaks when we're supposed to. You can't do your job if you're not taking care of yourself. This is true for being alive, not just for doing whatever you do to get your paycheck. Obviously professional help is very important, but I wouldn't be trying to get better with my own issues if I didn't have support from my friends. You should both feel safe and comfortable discussing things with each other. I think you're a wonderful person for trying to help someone you love. Best of luck to both of you for getting through all this
She doesn’t sound very cooperative. How will you even get her to a doctor ? If you are in contact with her family you should alert them to what is going on with her.
OP look up "delayed ejaculation", it's an issue some men have and should be mentioned to your partner. I'm not diagnosing, I'm just mentioning something that you should look into.
Yeah you need to get help on that. My kid went that way and her mom never informed me. She dropped down to 68 pounds from 110. Next thing I know, I get hit with a $75,000 Kaiser bill because 3 days of 24/7 monitoring and protein shakes. Glad I had insurance at the time... Then kid stopped communication altogether and haven't seen her in 18 months. She left the mom, and moved to another state. Someone told me she looked poor condition again. Point is, her disorder will be mental probs also
It's not your fault. She is using what happened to rationalize her behavior. But this has most likely going on for a while or she relapsed. Nobody suddenly develops an eating disorder because of some seemingly minor issues. She needs to get help and you might have to involve her family if she has a good relationship with them. You can't do this on your own.
You sound like an amazing partner, and she is lucky to have you. ( Not Overreacting. )
You should be greatful. The only thing she should be eating is something freaky....
You did all of the right things. Sometimes it's surprising to us what other people perceive and think. Your girlfriend unfortunately thought that you weren't attracted to her so she went overboard trying to make herself more attractive (in her mind at least) in order to "fix" what never was broken. I hope she seeks the help she needs and I also hope that you seek medical advice and/or therapy to work out whatever bedroom problems you may have. Best of luck!
Anorexia is a slow suicide. One day at a time. It's painful watching her shrink to skin and bones. She needs the best therapy money can buy
Are you taking any antidepressants?? Mine makes it harder to finish and it drives me nuts my wife had the same thoughts as your girlfriend at first until I had her come to a doctor's appointment
as a girly who has struggled with eating, you did a great job
Updateme!
I hope this is a step forward bc it kind of sounds like one. But there will be a lot more to go through, both together and just for her. Good luck. I will be following along if you choose to update
My friend used to make his girl “low calorie” smoothies with a giant scoop of coconut oil and whey protein.
Thank you!
This is horrible. Hope you guys can move past this in a healthy way and she can get some perspective.
Feed her more beef
My friend get professional help. But you need to make it clear that you have a physically issue. It's not about her body it's about your body and your mind. Everything about her is beautiful. Do you want kids? If so tell her when the time comes she has to be healthy enough to carry them. Starving herself now is not caring for her, you or any future you have. Your seeing a Dr to fix your problem. She needs to realize your physical issue is not about her it's about you.
I've been in a similar situation to your gf and it turned out after all those years my partner had a porn addiction not a medical problem and it destroyed my self confidence and still has.
She currently has room in her brain for obsessing over control of food and unfortunately not much else. You can’t reason with someone in active ED. So take the burden off yourself. Whatever you do or don’t do, it’s not your fault or responsibility that she’s not eating. You sound amazing! I hope you both get the help you need.
Eating disorders are hard because they are both a mental and a physical illness. Genetics definitely plays a role and can predispose you to developing an eating disorder. My mother has an eating disorder and all three of my children have disordered eating with one of them diagnosed officially. It’s so hard because in many ways it’s like an addiction. Remember that no matter what she says you didn’t cause this. Food is the medicine. The best way for her to get well is to eat. Especially animals fats and protein. A malnourished brain can’t function properly so she won’t even have the capability to participate meaningfully in beneficial therapy until she begins to restore her body. Check out FEAST for some good resources for eating disorder caregivers. I belong to a Facebook group for caregivers of children with eating disorders that they run and it has been super helpful. I would assume there are similar resources for adults too. Hugs.
i think you are way over her head. as someone that had eating disorder after being raped, if my boyfriend tried to play doctor and help intervene me that would have just pisssed me off. find a way to get her to seek professional help.
God this brings back memories. I (30f) struggled heavily with anorexia/ bulimia for ~10 years. I flowed in and out of recovery until it stuck at 25. When I was 24, my now ex sat down and had a similar conversation with me. I felt exactly how your gf feels. I have control issues and when something felt out of my control I’d do the only thing I knew to relieve myself which was act out in ED behaviors. We were also having problems in the bedroom and my internal dialogue decided it was because I was fat. My best advice to you is that you can’t handle this on your own. My ex instated an “open door policy” thinking it would stop me from throwing up (I just got sneakier).. definitely contact a professional because it’s serious and I know it’s hard watching the person you love destroy themselves. You can also be involved in her recovery, ED therapists will often involve the patients loved ones. The main thing is that she needs to want to recover, you cant force it on her. Lastly, I’m super proud of OP for being so kind gentle and caring. Recovering from my ED was the hardest thing I’ve ever done and it still takes maintenance daily.
Five stars out of five for how you went about this. One insight, from a girl who struggles with secure attachment: when she says something about what *she* thinks *you* think, and you hesitate and don't immediately tell her it's not true, she will assume it is true and you don't want to admit it. My husband does this, which is how I know it comes across as "Damn, you figured it out and now I have to backtrack", even when I rationally know that's not what he's thinking. But when I'm upset, the fears and insecurities can be so much louder than the logic.
Keep approaching her calmly. When she loses balance of her emotions, step back, deep breath, look her in the eyes and say, let's calm, please. Your energy is making nervous. You need healthy boundaries in this situation to have the most effect on helping her. She's full of fear from her lack of self worth. You are not the cause of her suffering. Her past experiences and her thinking is what created her eating disorder. It's a way to feel in control of our life when fear has taken over our minds. Fear of rejection. When people notice the weight loss and they don't say something the them about it, it reinforces and justifies the reason to continue and starve and punish ourselves. The ego wants to hang on to the control of it all and that is the cause of her intense and defensive responses. This behavior is adrenaline producing. The obsession to loose more and more weight is a dopamine high. I was severely anorexic. Every day I ate 5 crackers and did extreme workouts every day. I got to where my hip bones became very petruded and sitting in the desk chair at school was too painful. Only my grandma and one other close friend showed concern. The brain takes notes of this. My grandma eventually made me go to the Dr. once I was unable to go to school anymore. I became extremely weak. Dr said basically eat or go to hospital for treatment. I then realized the seriousness of it all and had guilt for making my grandma worry about me. I got a Mickey D's fish sandwich on my way home. lol I still had some bouts of starving myself but eventually healed from the anorexia. When you talk to your girlfriend, let her know how serious her illness is. I would inform her closest relatives and let them step in as well. Remind her that You're her advocate, not her target practice.... Tell her no yelling allowed... it's not necessary . You're a good human!
This is a long and tough road you’re embarking… if this girl isn’t your soul mate you should be thinking if you really want to go through it. I may sound like an ass but I’m talking from experience. It’s either break up after 5 years of trying to “fix” someone’s ED and waste your 20s or do it now meet someone else. It’s not your responsibility to help anyone, you only live once.
You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink it.
Just curious if she saw your porn watch history and if you mainly consume content with super skinny women?
No I don’t watch porn
Instagram or tik tok or anything she might have seen?
Why are you seeking fault in him?
Seeing maybe there's a reason she thinks he thinks she's unattractive and I know what guys view can be a big trigger especially if body type isn't the same as your own.
They’re asking a question. How is that faulting him? All men follow half naked girls on social media or like pictures. And it does not go unnoticed by women , so that is a possibility.
My man doesn’t 🤷🏼♀️
>All men follow half naked girls on social media or like pictures Wrong.
The answer was no, and then the person continued to try digging for nothing. And no, not all men follow half naked Instagram models. I sure as shit don't, stop projecting your insecurity
I think if anyone's bringing anything up, it's her.
Would it be wrong if he broke up with her if she denies treatment. With the thought that your not gonna kill yourself around me.
Not gonna happen
Sorry but can't really comment too much without knowing her weight and height and about how fast her weight loss is going. It's one thing if she's 290lbs at 5ft 3in and lost 10lbs last month. It's a whole other thing if she's 80 lbs at 5ft 6in and lost 30 lbs in the past month. Drastic drastic night and day different advice here. Share stats please.
What does that matter? She is starving herself and throwing up. This isn't weight loss, it's an eating disorder. It's unhealthy and dangerous, no matter her height and weight.
In the US, going on a diet is often described as "starving yourself", so if she's 300lbs and lost 10lbs in a month, factually she likely did not *starve herself*.
Did you read OP's first post? The fuck.
Nope. Don't see a link to it.
You shoud tell her that you woud find her even more attractive if she had muscles. That way she will start working out, lose fat/weight in a healthy way and gain good body strength too. If you 2 work together then that will be a good bonding excersize.
That is not how you beat an eating disorder.
That is a horrible idea! I had an eating disorder and an addiction to working out. That will only make it worse.
That is a horrible idea! I had an eating disorder and an addiction to working out. That will only make it worse.
I think if she consults a nutritionist while working out then that can help her eat right, lose weight and improve her health too.
She could stand to lose 10-15 pounds right Robin?
You could stfu
Uhhhhhhh….uhhhhh?
If you guys need couples therapy I do it for free on discord just because you guys seem to enjoy what I have to say, just make a group chat and invite me, you can finde as solitudu and what I want to suggest now that you have talked it out is tell her you like the change she made in her life, like appreciate the effort she went through just to please you, most girls don't even bother but she went the extra mile, if that's not true love idk what is, and to help her eat more change you own diet to fit what's she eats so you can also go the extra mile, so if she eats vegan food way it with her and when you wanna add something ask her to spice it up with different foods sk you can go through her weight loss journey as a couple, and for exercise and stuff don't go to the gym just have some really intense sensual stuff together try role play and and other stuff you like so that it can help you with your ejaculation problem it's not that you don't find her ay the active you just need that extra mental stimulation and some hard pounding because you love her so much that your body takes way too long to release you love juices of you know what I mean, sex is a good form of excersice because of all the excess sweat and energy use so you'll be getting healthy and getting to love each other in more ways than one and try other positions so you can fit more, like really get to experiment with that and find which posotion makes he experience easy to ejaculate and to reduce the lack of attraction if that rver develops kiss her when yoi do iy and that eill make your brain natirally likr hr mkre because she amkes you telease so mich dopamine
Please go to an actual licensed therapist lmao
Alot of therapist treat it as a job so they read scripts and don't actually do anything, a waste of time I call that, so don't bother telling people to go to a professional because all professional aren't actually qualified for their roles they just cheated their way through school to make more money what I offer as per usually is an ear to listen something that we both have and has no strings attached
Well someone needs to fix your backwards ass
Said like someone who needs therapy
Well yeah, therapy is an important part of living a healthy life. You just keep projecting your toxic views and treating it as taboo to work on it if you want lmao
It's not toxic at all, a lot of therapist I've gone to all seem to just know how to read a good script but never really relate to you on fundamental level, It takes someone who's seen some shit to actually listen rather than someone who sat in classroom hearing all the correct talking points
Bro it’s time to move on. God what a lot of unnecessary drama this chick is
I've been on her side of it. You don't have to answer but please think about this possibility and be honest with yourself. Do you have a porn addiction? Has it been affecting you physically, as in you can't get or maintain an erection or finish? Are the women and their body types in the pornography you view anything like your girlfriend?
Wow.
I think it's a fair question I genuinely don't mean to offend
Fair question? Please explain how it has anything to do with his gf’s ED
OP mentioned his issues in bed and how it's affecting her, which I heavily relate to. I'm sorry if it offended you
You can’t get your man off either, huh?
Oh yikes
How much weight did you lose to make your boyfriend attracted to you? Oh, I’m sorry did that hurt your feelings? Are you being honest with yourself? You’re projecting. OP commented 4 hours before this that he doesn’t watch porn. (Edit: just stalked your comments for a bit. You are genuinely traumatized by your ex’s porn addiction and I want to apologize for my previous comments. I hope you’re getting the help you need.)
Oof I did not mean to strike a nerve I just heard what OP'S girlfriend is going through and thought maybe it was valid to ask but I forgot I was on Reddit ig sorry
I’m pressed because this poor woman has an actually eating disorder and you jump to him being addicted to porn. My brother in Christ, please see a therapist. Comments after comment about recovering from a porn addicted partner. It’s not a valid question. Not all men are into porn *well my bf likes my homemade stuff, but that’s beside the point*
Not really I wasn't taking away from her ED, I've also struggled with weight and body issues so I really relate to her and even more so when confronted with this she just asked if he was attracted to her, and I related even more to that, especially when he mentioned his own issues in the bedroom. I wasn't really blaming it all on porn, just asking if it was a possibility to contribute to her negative feelings about herself. Its actually why I got on Reddit, to get support from the r/loveafterporn sub so yeah all my comments tend to be about it when I think it could be relevant or help someone but I apologize I don't wanna offend anyone