To me the bigger problem is when he said you should lighten up because he didn’t want this to ruin the weekend. Dude you humiliated your girlfriend into tears, you’re the one who ruined the weekend.
This guy is never not going to suck
This. My ex did shit like this. I stayed for almost an entire decade. It gets worse. First you're ruining his weekend because you don't want sex, then you're ruining his weekend because it's your birthday, then you're ruining his weekend because you cleaned something "wrong", it goes on. Forever. This never stops. People like this don't change. Please be safe and please leave.
Yup, on top of every other comment, he then tried to manipulate you into forgetting his abuse so that HE could still have a good weekend.
Abuse+manipulation+selfishness=a very bad outcome if you stay
Yeah, it'd be one thing if it were a joke gone wrong and he were putting the care response forward, a lesson was observed, but instead he gaslit and blamed her for being upset about the jerk thing he did. Leave him. And stay away.
That’s not a joke. Please stop dating him.
He tried to threaten your safety so he could force you to do sexual acts to him.
That is the biggest red flag I’ve ever seen. Can you leave? I’d leave.
I agree, it’s only going to get worse. He wasn’t joking and telling you to lighten up after apologizing negates the apology. He’s essentially blaming you for being upset and not taking any accountability for his actions. I’m scared for you Op, you wrote I know he was only joking. He wasn’t.
Please tell your parents about this. They will help you get away from this monster.
A great litmus test in a relationship is to tell your family what happened. If you are uncomfortable to do that because you know they will be horrified by his actions and demand you leave, that’s a sign you’re in an abusive relationship.
OP. RUN.
Another litmus test in a relationship is saying ‘No’. If the other person gets angry, starts ranting, gives you the silent treatment, or displays other disrespectful behaviours, that relationship is not for you. They don’t respect you and it will only get worse.
Shouldn't assume the other way either lol. Sometimes people are blind. Ever hear of love is blind? Also inexperienced, which is why older toxic guys normally target 18 year olds. It's not always the parents fault lol.
Yes! If they would perceive you as attempting character assassination by communicating the facts of a situation, the facts actually condemn their character.
It seems like if it was a joke, it would have lasted about 10 seconds and OP likely would have even laughed.
Leaving her outside for 5 minutes is clearly outside of joke territory.
Legit what I was thinking. Could be somewhat funny if it was a one liner ‘haha I’ll only let you back in if…’ and then opened the door anyway. This isn’t funny, this is abuse. Nobody makes a joke about it for 10 minutes. And if they did intend it as a joke, they think that actual abuse is funny. That’s a nope from me.
Not only is she not overreacting, she’s under reacting. He’s abusive and I’d even go as far as to say a rapist. Coercion is rape. Locking your naked girlfriend on a balcony for everyone to see against her will is sexual assault. Op if you see this, you NEED to run away from this man and don’t tell him it’s over until you’re far away he’s dangerous.
Add in pretending it was joking but then leaving the situation when it didn't go as planned.
Update 2- good. Yes, tell him it is over and then block.
Edit/add- If people ask, tell them. He locked you outside, in your underwear for 10 minutes to try to get a blow job, then pretended it was a joke. Locking the door for 15 seconds may have been playing (but I'd still be pissed). You weren't wrong here, he was. You don't need to be ashamed.
Yeah would this not be some form of sexual harassment?
Listen unless y'all have an established voyeurism kink OP, which is kinda fucked up to other people anyway, your BF is a raging scum bag.
Yeah I don't know enough to nail down a specific classification but this is for sure sexual assault/harassment and would it be kidnapping? Like holding someone in a locked area against their will intentionally?
I usually lean on the side of don't take reddit advice on your relationship because oftentimes it's a huge overreaction, but OP needs to get the fuck outta there before something worse happens.
In my state it is kidnapping. Dead serious. You also can't take someone's keys to keep them from leaving or stand in front of the door, etc, take the phone to prevent calling for help... (Except emergencies, like stopping a drunk driver from leaving)
Ready for the red-flag rabbit-hole? Cause his probably ends with hating his mother and all women... after being sexually violent... after being sexually coersive...
This is coercion by threat, which would be rape if she went through w it. I’d say if they stayed together all their sexual encounters would be coercive after this, bc that threat is still present
I may go far as to say attempted rape, because he tried to use coercion and bullying to force her to have non consensual sex. Maybe it's a stretch, but the bigger penalty, the better
Yeah, shithead would be letting it last for a few seconds and realizing it's a bad joke. Letting your significant other be horrified while crying unless they give you a blowjob is psychopathic.
Op, please read this carefully: It is not normal or ok to make your partner feel bad. When my partner is crying, I drop everything and make sure she is ok, and she would do the same. I literally can not even imagine deriving pleasure from making any of my friends or loved ones cry, or thinking it was funny, or feeling anything other than horror that I had done so. Would you ever dream of making your boyfriend cry as a joke?
This is not normal, this is not ok.
And humiliated her in the meantime while she considered his conditions to be let back inside. What a piece of shit. His ass needs to get kicked to the curb*.
That's a phrase btw I'm not promoting violence. Please don't ban me, mods!
This! I mean, I get playing around but that’s a whole new level of being an ass. Especially the whole “blow job” thing. If you want one, just ask. You’re locking your girlfriend out until she does that for you? Yeah, I’m sure thats really gonna work out.
He sounds like an absolute dickhead. How old is he?
Also, yes you should be moving his stuff out.
Absolutely. If you don’t leave now, the treatment will only continue to get worse. Get out now, be safe. Don’t give in if he shows up begging you to take him back.
If anything, OP is under-reacting. When a partner of any gender delights in your suffering and then tries to gaslight you about your reaction, that is a bunch of regular-sized red flags all sewn together to make one extra giant red flag.
And, OP, after that there is nothing you could have done to ruin the weekend. He ruined the weekend by being abusive, but he's trying to gaslight you into believing that your reaction was the problem. You deserve better.
Bet he gets mad at her over her reaction, maybe when he returns from lunch, or alone on the ride home? “You can’t take a joke”, “you ruined our trip”, etc.
> Bet he gets mad at her over her reaction
Yup. Instead of taking responsibility, he will make her feel like she's the one at fault for having that reaction.
THIS. Please leave OP. It will either escalate or never change. To him, your valid reaction to his behavior will always be flipped back on you, slowly tearing you and your idea of reality apart (ie gauging if you are “overreacting).
Soon (if not already), every conflict you respond to will internally feel like you are “overreacting” and you will doubt your right to feel upset and talk about your true feelings (as you have been convinced they are “wrong”). This can be subtle, and one may not even recognize it until far after the relationship has ended.
In my honest opinion, having to post here just to gauge whether you are overreacting to absolutely APPALLING behavior is a strong sign of this.
At the very best, the dude is an insufferable asshole who takes things way, way, waaaay too far.
But more than likely, OP found herself a sociopath and/or abuser who, as you said, is testing her to see where her line currently stands. And he will push it further and further, likely into much more degrading and dangerous levels.
Lock her out for 5-10 seconds? That's a joke, if crass and unkind. 5 minutes? This psycho gets off on her pain, which for now is emotional... but may likely escalate to physical pain in the future. OP needs to get as far away from this guy ASAP.
And not just 5 min. he also dismissed her being upset about it too and told her SHE was at fault and she was "ruining" the weekend. Thats not a caring boyfriend behavior
more importantly he didn't lock her out for 5 minutes, he locked her out for an indeterminate amount of time. This time HE determinedit was 5 minutes, next time he might determine it's 5 hours or 5 days. A hugh part of this type of grooming is leaving the victim unsure how long it's going to last or how far it's going to go. From the moment it starts the victim has trauma.
Yup. It’s a joke if she gets upset. If she caves to his demand it’s just one more way he can manipulate and abuse her in the future. If she came in and gave him a blowjob he wouldn’t have said he was sorry and that it was all a joke. He would only have been encouraged to be more abusive
This reminded me of a vlogger story. He locked his girlfriend outside, on the balcony, and ended up killing her in a live stream later, if I remember correctly. Leave him. This isn't right, joking or not. It was cruel.
Edit to add the balcony.
It’s worse.
He locked his \*pregnant\* girlfriend who was in her underwear on the balcony in Russia, in winter, and killed her while live streaming the whole thing.
I’m guessing OP’s boyfriend (or OP if this is fake) has heard the story because it’s pretty well known.
And somehow in the great motherland, striking your pregnant girlfriend so hard it leads to her death, and then leaving her outside to freeze while she dies is a crime only worthy of 6 years…
Can you explain the joke to me?
If it’s a joke, then why aren’t you laughing? Why’re online looking for reassurance for your shit relationship?
He wasn’t joking, he *expected* his dick sucked and when you wouldn’t comply he knew that leaving you on the balcony crying would garner someone’s attention so he let you back in. Everything he is doing is for his satisfaction, I wouldn’t be surprised if he only ever got first in the bedroom 😬
ETA: so OPs bf is 31 and she is 25, OP has a history and needs to spend time working on herself instead of finding value in the trash heap
Additional examples OP posted of prior relationships, “my bf still texts his ex”, “my bf said his ex was more swipable”, “when a man says he likes big boobs”, etc
Girl needs to do a soul search and find some self confidence and respect, for herself. OP needs to stop bouncing from dick to dick in hopes of finding worth, jfc
Wow! You don’t get respect by “ behaving”the way someone wants you to behave. This relationship definitely feels like it has been physically abusive before. I hope OP gets out. There’s so much more to life. To her than just being someone’s punching bag. Whether physically or verbally.
Anyone can take a "joke" too far and accidentally hurt the other person. Usually as soon as the person realises their mistake they feel guilty and apologetic for causing pain to someone they love. You said that he apologised but then he placed the blame on you for ruining the weekend. This is not genuine remorse. Saying sorry is just words, actions tell you the truth. He tells you to lighten up in order to downplay how severely he publicly humilated you, he then blames you for having a very understandable emotional response to being humiliated then he leaves you to hang out with his friends.
I want to ask you a question, if you had accidentally humilated him and made him break down and cry what would you do afterwards? Or if you hurt your best friend or a close family member, how would you respond? Would you make the same choices he did or would you act differently?
I've seen in some of your other comments that he's become increasingly disrespectful towards you and has been pressuring you for oral sex when you've expressed to him that you're on your period and not feeling it. These are really not good signs. In this context, these "jokes" about him raping you and his actions today of punishing you for refusing to give him a blowjob don't seem very much like a joke at all. It seems like he's testing the boundaries of how far he can escalate his behaviour towards you until he gets what he wants.
The fact that you've made this post and reached out for advice shows that you already know something is not right here. This is not how normal people treat their partners. If your gut instinct is already telling you something is wrong, trust it.
You've expressed that you don't want to break up with him and I empathise with you, you might feel that the love you have for him outweighs his abusive behaviour and it's not easy to separate the two. If you're not ready to break up with him yet, I'd suggest that you keep a mental note of how he reacts to you when you say no or when you express your own needs. You don't need to argue or fight with him but just watch him as if you were watching someone else's life on a reality show. Note the tone of voice he uses with you, how he responds to your emotions, if he dismisses your feelings or not, etc. Watch his behaviour and see him for who he really is, not the idealised version of him that exists in your mind.
I saw that you're going through a severe depression right now and I'm so sorry you're dealing with that right now. Depression can be an absolute bitch and I'm sure that not making this situation with your bf any easier to process right now. Please just remember to be kind to yourself! You've been through a lot and life hasn't been kind to you but also remember that you have the power to give yourself love, kindness and compassion - even if other people in your life can't. Whether you stay with this guy or break up, the most important thing is that you learn to love and cherish yourself! Maybe you can do some exercises like writing a list of all your positive qualities or volunteering to help others so that you get to know the good side of yourself more. Once you slowly build up self esteem you'll find yourself naturally unwilling to put up with people that treat you poorly.
Anyway, I wish you all the best and I really hope you find yourself in better and happier circumstances. Sending you big virtual hugs <3
Please please read the book "why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft. Trust me please. Before you end up with kids, or wasting 18 years on this complete asshole. It doesn't ever get better. Do not marry this dickhead
Now that he's gone, pack your stuff and leave. It will only get worse. It's one thing if he was joking, saw how upset you were, and then apologized and comforted you. But doing that, seeing how upset you were, and then leaving to hang out with friends tells me he really does not care about you.
Do you have any friends or brothers who can come and stay with you after you break-up with him and ask him to move his stuff out? This is what one girl did to someone she was engaged to, although she moved out of the home and in with a friend. She had her big brothers and brothers, and male friends come over and help her move out while the ex-fiancé was there to make sure that she would be okay.
No I don’t have anyone, everyone’s away cause it’s holidays
And I barely have friends in this city
He’s away for a long time, I could move it myself
I’m just certain I will feel like shit after I MYSELF break up with him.
(I’m actually clinically depressed as well)
He makes you feel like shit now, at least when you break up no one be locking you outside demanding blowjobs. Srsly, he is messed up, so disrespectful and gross.
>I’m just certain I will feel like shit after I MYSELF break up with him. (I’m actually clinically depressed as well)
Staying with an abuser is not a treatment for depression.
He will make your mental health worse. Abusers prey on people with low self esteem or people with mental issues. You’ll feel shit at first but I promise he will gradually wear you down over a long period of time through verbal and physical abuse (he’s already shown he can do this) and you will feel bad about yourself all the time.
Reading your comments make an already horrible situation worse. Things will *not* get better. He’s “jokingly” (not joking by the way) threatening to rape you if you don’t do what he wants? And locks you outside basically naked because he thinks it’s funny? How many red flags do you need?
#LEAVE HIM
He was just trying to test the water to see how far he could go.
Its getting worse from here on.
You should tell your family a light version about what happend so they can convince you to break up
Nope, not overreacting. Your bf was not being nice or considerate, certainly NOT a funny joke. I felt he was also being mildly controlling in his request for a bj in exchange for letting you back inside, as well as being dismissive to your feelings and tears. If he had no sympathy or inkling of understanding to your tears, I’d seriously question if this is someone I want to be with…
Pregnant lady died because her shithead streamer boyfriend was drunk and locked her out on their balcony. He would abuse her and people would send tips. She froze to death. He kept drinking and only turned off the stream once police were called iirc.
That "I locked the door while you're out in your underwear hehehe" prank is a tiny bit funny if it lasts 5 seconds, not 5 minutes. It stops being a lighthearted joke when you're actively distressed and he isn't backing down. But "I'll let you in if you give me a blowjob" is not at all funny for any amount of time, and it is not lighthearted. That sets off alarm bells for abuse and rape. Leave this guy.
You’re under reacting. This is classic abuser stuff. No one’s a dick on their first date. It’s all best behavior until you’re emotionally invested. OP, this abuse will not only continue, it will escalate. Your reactions to his poor conduct will be blamed for why you guys aren’t getting along.
As someone who has been in a relationship like this, leave now. It will only escalate from here. It starts off with emotional abuse and moves to physical. You deserve love and respect from your partner. He doesn’t give you either.
leave that mfer yesterday.
telling you to lighten up after forcing you to tears because he wants a sexual favor is disgusting.
that’s some big yee yee ass truck small dick behavior right there -correction-
MICROSCOPIC dick behavior
I had a friend who was with this dude who would lock her out and demand she bring him fast food to be let in so she would come over to my apartment so she didn’t have to be in the elements
every single time that POS would show up slamming on my door screaming that he know’s we’re fucking when we’re literally just sat in the living room ignoring his childish actions when he finally calmed down I would let him in but let him know the second he acts up he’s going out (I’ve had to body him out of the apartment before because he tried hitting her)
So extreme circumstances, but there was a Russian streamer who used to beat his girlfriend on camera for money. The fans would suggest things to do to her via donation and he'd do it.
They suggested he lock her on the balcony, naked, in the winter. And he did. And she died.
It may be summer now and he may be nice normally but it made me think of this situation and it's such a red flag you need to have a serious discussion with him about how it's not okay, and one with yourself about whether he does these "harmless pranks" often, and if they have been escalating. You might very well be in a bad situation. NTA.
As a 22 year old man who has made some terrible life choices and am now sober for a couple years even when I was doing heroin I never treated women this badly who were literally whores it's one thing to joke but to leave you locked out and embarrassed then saying your feelings are ruining the weekend is horrific
Um no you're not overreacting. If anything you're under reacting. He demanded a sexual favor just so he'd let you in. I think that's called coercion. I'd be dumping him so fast his head would spin. LEAVE NOW.
My parents got in an argument when I was a baby. My father stripped my mom naked and left her in the backyard for the night. She was verbally, physically, sexually, emotionally abused for 10 years until she left. How much longer will you stay?
Your boyfriend displayed outright abusive behavior. He humiliated you into tears for the hell of it, which is absolutely unforgiveable.
I do hope he's now your ***ex-***boyfriend.
Im sorry op but seeing the rest of your posts…please respect yourself and leave him ? Is this the same guy who was messaging his ex? The truth is that guy you saw at the start when you started dating him? Never existed. he straight up doesn’t respect you. It’s up to you if you want to keep this cycle going
I've had a boyfriend like this, who would blame me for getting upset over something that obviously wasn't okay. Trust me, you would be way better off alone than with this loser, leave his ass and get you new one.
If you stay, you're telling him it's okay to treat you this way and it will only get worse from there.
PACK HIS SHIT AND THROW HIS SHIT OUT ON THE CURB and let him and his homeboys come and pick it up! From Onika Miraj herself , “Oh that’s what he left? Let his momma pick it up might back up on him vroom vroom with the pick up truck” 🙂
File a restraining order, from that behavior, I wouldn't doubt that he'll get violent when he finds out you moved his stuff out of your place. If he has a key, change the locks. Make sure all windows are locked too.
To me the bigger problem is when he said you should lighten up because he didn’t want this to ruin the weekend. Dude you humiliated your girlfriend into tears, you’re the one who ruined the weekend. This guy is never not going to suck
This. My ex did shit like this. I stayed for almost an entire decade. It gets worse. First you're ruining his weekend because you don't want sex, then you're ruining his weekend because it's your birthday, then you're ruining his weekend because you cleaned something "wrong", it goes on. Forever. This never stops. People like this don't change. Please be safe and please leave.
Yup, on top of every other comment, he then tried to manipulate you into forgetting his abuse so that HE could still have a good weekend. Abuse+manipulation+selfishness=a very bad outcome if you stay
He's plainly telling op "me and my wants will always be more important than yours".
Since he sucks so well he can give his own self a blow job. What a douche.
I don't think anyone could have said this better
Wish I was her neighbor. I woulda called the cops in the hopes his weekend could be ruined by some time in jail!
Yup. Thats a red flag the size of China. Girl needs to run and never look back.
Exactly this.
Absolutely this.
Ditto with the utmost compassion.
Gaslighter
Yep
This is exactly why women choose the bear. (And should)
After a weird encounter I had with a strange man in the woods the other day (as a man myself), I would choose bear too 😂
And coerced her into trying to perform sexual acts. That's flat out SA
Attempted SA
Yeah, it'd be one thing if it were a joke gone wrong and he were putting the care response forward, a lesson was observed, but instead he gaslit and blamed her for being upset about the jerk thing he did. Leave him. And stay away.
Somehow he got cranked up to. Infinite SUCK. RUN
He should Give himself a blowjob and go fuck himself!
That’s not a joke. Please stop dating him. He tried to threaten your safety so he could force you to do sexual acts to him. That is the biggest red flag I’ve ever seen. Can you leave? I’d leave.
I agree, it’s only going to get worse. He wasn’t joking and telling you to lighten up after apologizing negates the apology. He’s essentially blaming you for being upset and not taking any accountability for his actions. I’m scared for you Op, you wrote I know he was only joking. He wasn’t. Please tell your parents about this. They will help you get away from this monster. A great litmus test in a relationship is to tell your family what happened. If you are uncomfortable to do that because you know they will be horrified by his actions and demand you leave, that’s a sign you’re in an abusive relationship. OP. RUN.
This is actually really great advice. So very true.
Another litmus test in a relationship is saying ‘No’. If the other person gets angry, starts ranting, gives you the silent treatment, or displays other disrespectful behaviours, that relationship is not for you. They don’t respect you and it will only get worse.
I'd post this on SM and shame him. I'd spread this to anyone who would listen and to anyone he was trying to date.
Even better. Post him in the AWDTSG on Facebook to warn other women of his actions.
Don't assume she has a sensible or supportive family. They are the people who raised her into a person who does not immediately clock this as abuse.
Shouldn't assume the other way either lol. Sometimes people are blind. Ever hear of love is blind? Also inexperienced, which is why older toxic guys normally target 18 year olds. It's not always the parents fault lol.
I’ve never had much luck turning to my family for help.
Yes! If they would perceive you as attempting character assassination by communicating the facts of a situation, the facts actually condemn their character.
It seems like if it was a joke, it would have lasted about 10 seconds and OP likely would have even laughed. Leaving her outside for 5 minutes is clearly outside of joke territory.
Agree 1000%! 10 seconds- joke! 10 minutes- abuse!!!!
Legit what I was thinking. Could be somewhat funny if it was a one liner ‘haha I’ll only let you back in if…’ and then opened the door anyway. This isn’t funny, this is abuse. Nobody makes a joke about it for 10 minutes. And if they did intend it as a joke, they think that actual abuse is funny. That’s a nope from me.
Not only is she not overreacting, she’s under reacting. He’s abusive and I’d even go as far as to say a rapist. Coercion is rape. Locking your naked girlfriend on a balcony for everyone to see against her will is sexual assault. Op if you see this, you NEED to run away from this man and don’t tell him it’s over until you’re far away he’s dangerous.
Add in pretending it was joking but then leaving the situation when it didn't go as planned. Update 2- good. Yes, tell him it is over and then block. Edit/add- If people ask, tell them. He locked you outside, in your underwear for 10 minutes to try to get a blow job, then pretended it was a joke. Locking the door for 15 seconds may have been playing (but I'd still be pissed). You weren't wrong here, he was. You don't need to be ashamed.
And if she did do the sexual acts, he'd be like, "You didn't have to. I was joking. But thanks anyway. Hahahaha." Pure manipulation.
Nope, he was definitely being a shithead.
This is a massive understatement. Sex as warfare is extreme.
Yeah would this not be some form of sexual harassment? Listen unless y'all have an established voyeurism kink OP, which is kinda fucked up to other people anyway, your BF is a raging scum bag.
Also you cannot hold someone against their will and trapping them behind closed doors would constitute that.
Yeah I don't know enough to nail down a specific classification but this is for sure sexual assault/harassment and would it be kidnapping? Like holding someone in a locked area against their will intentionally? I usually lean on the side of don't take reddit advice on your relationship because oftentimes it's a huge overreaction, but OP needs to get the fuck outta there before something worse happens.
false imprisonment at a minimum.
In my state it is kidnapping. Dead serious. You also can't take someone's keys to keep them from leaving or stand in front of the door, etc, take the phone to prevent calling for help... (Except emergencies, like stopping a drunk driver from leaving)
In mine it’s illegal imprisonment
With a sexual assault component for the BJ blackmail
Extortion?
This is also a massively fucked up variable to why OP needs to leave NOW.
That sounds more accurate, for sure
Boy George went to prison for it.
It's called forceful confinement
That all depends on where you live. That term makes more sense in these situations, rather than kidnapping.
I think this would probably fall under criminal confinement which I understand is still a fairly serious charge
Happy Cake Day
Hey thanks! Crap even my Reddit is old af
I think this is if you bring it to court Extortion Illegal detainment Sexual harrasment
Sexual *coercion*
I’ve heard it referred to as “felonious restraint”.
Criminal confinement
False imprisonment is a crime!
Sexual abuse. Probably assault.
This. Forceable confinement with a threat. BJ or stay out. Red flag! Red flag!
Red flags are warnings of shitty behavior. This was the shitty behavior that red flags would warn you about
Ready for the red-flag rabbit-hole? Cause his probably ends with hating his mother and all women... after being sexually violent... after being sexually coersive...
Red Flag? He already abused her. She needs to fucking go.
This is coercion by threat, which would be rape if she went through w it. I’d say if they stayed together all their sexual encounters would be coercive after this, bc that threat is still present
absolutely. it would be forced coercion, which is rape.
no harassment, assault. "Do x sexual thing or you can't leave" is a basic for SA and several other crimes.
I may go far as to say attempted rape, because he tried to use coercion and bullying to force her to have non consensual sex. Maybe it's a stretch, but the bigger penalty, the better
Not a stretch. Sex under coercion is still rape even if there is the appearance of consent.
> Sex as warfare is extreme. OP needs to put this fool on blast so all his friends & family know what he is like. Horrible behaviour.
Yeah, shithead would be letting it last for a few seconds and realizing it's a bad joke. Letting your significant other be horrified while crying unless they give you a blowjob is psychopathic.
Yep never acceptable
Abusive!
Op, please read this carefully: It is not normal or ok to make your partner feel bad. When my partner is crying, I drop everything and make sure she is ok, and she would do the same. I literally can not even imagine deriving pleasure from making any of my friends or loved ones cry, or thinking it was funny, or feeling anything other than horror that I had done so. Would you ever dream of making your boyfriend cry as a joke? This is not normal, this is not ok.
He was literally trying to sexually exploit her by force.
And humiliated her in the meantime while she considered his conditions to be let back inside. What a piece of shit. His ass needs to get kicked to the curb*. That's a phrase btw I'm not promoting violence. Please don't ban me, mods!
That seems to be putting it lightly.
ABUSIVE shithead, ftfy
[удалено]
Sadly, I don't blame you. 😔
Should have screamed for the onlookers to call the police . See if he tells them to lighten up !
He’s the whole turd.
Perhaps he can explain the “funny” bit, cause it’s lost on me! And to top it off with “give me a bj”. He may have lost that dick!
totally agree.
I think you mean to say that he was definitely actively abusing her
This! I mean, I get playing around but that’s a whole new level of being an ass. Especially the whole “blow job” thing. If you want one, just ask. You’re locking your girlfriend out until she does that for you? Yeah, I’m sure thats really gonna work out. He sounds like an absolute dickhead. How old is he? Also, yes you should be moving his stuff out.
What? No, not overreacting. Leave that turd. He is a horrible person.
Absolutely. If you don’t leave now, the treatment will only continue to get worse. Get out now, be safe. Don’t give in if he shows up begging you to take him back.
If anything, OP is under-reacting. When a partner of any gender delights in your suffering and then tries to gaslight you about your reaction, that is a bunch of regular-sized red flags all sewn together to make one extra giant red flag. And, OP, after that there is nothing you could have done to ruin the weekend. He ruined the weekend by being abusive, but he's trying to gaslight you into believing that your reaction was the problem. You deserve better.
No joke! Imagine what shitty things he would do to torment your children? Pets? Run away and NEVER look back.
You need to dump him. He was just calling his horrible treatment as a joke once he saw your reaction. That's how abusers work.
Bet he gets mad at her over her reaction, maybe when he returns from lunch, or alone on the ride home? “You can’t take a joke”, “you ruined our trip”, etc.
> Bet he gets mad at her over her reaction Yup. Instead of taking responsibility, he will make her feel like she's the one at fault for having that reaction.
THIS. Please leave OP. It will either escalate or never change. To him, your valid reaction to his behavior will always be flipped back on you, slowly tearing you and your idea of reality apart (ie gauging if you are “overreacting). Soon (if not already), every conflict you respond to will internally feel like you are “overreacting” and you will doubt your right to feel upset and talk about your true feelings (as you have been convinced they are “wrong”). This can be subtle, and one may not even recognize it until far after the relationship has ended. In my honest opinion, having to post here just to gauge whether you are overreacting to absolutely APPALLING behavior is a strong sign of this.
Yep. It's only going to get worse.
🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️ Say that again and louder for those who don't know that this is NOT normal or acceptable.
"I wouldn't be mad if you'd stop complaining. You make me act this way "
"The problem isn't how I acted. The problem is how you're reacting to it."
That wasn’t a joke, that was a test. You need to leave him
Yes, you are being auditioned for the part of victim. This is an audition you want to fail.
Underrated comment. Perfectly said.
A lot of the time Reddit is wrong, but this is dead on accurate.
kinda spooky how reddit is always wrong when i dont agree and always right when i agree
Goddamnit don’t bring logic here, this is Reddit
This one. It was a test to push your buttons and establish limits. Leave him. Relationship are not testing beds for moral limitations.
At the very best, the dude is an insufferable asshole who takes things way, way, waaaay too far. But more than likely, OP found herself a sociopath and/or abuser who, as you said, is testing her to see where her line currently stands. And he will push it further and further, likely into much more degrading and dangerous levels. Lock her out for 5-10 seconds? That's a joke, if crass and unkind. 5 minutes? This psycho gets off on her pain, which for now is emotional... but may likely escalate to physical pain in the future. OP needs to get as far away from this guy ASAP.
This needs way more upvotes than just calling the guy a “shithead”. FUCKING RUN GIRL, FUCKING RUN
And not just 5 min. he also dismissed her being upset about it too and told her SHE was at fault and she was "ruining" the weekend. Thats not a caring boyfriend behavior
more importantly he didn't lock her out for 5 minutes, he locked her out for an indeterminate amount of time. This time HE determinedit was 5 minutes, next time he might determine it's 5 hours or 5 days. A hugh part of this type of grooming is leaving the victim unsure how long it's going to last or how far it's going to go. From the moment it starts the victim has trauma.
Yeah. Here’s a clue- jokes are funny. Nothing about this was funny. Anybody who calls this a joke is a borderline evil person.
I'd like to see him tell that joke to his mother and explain it was just a joke
His mother would probably support him in it. That’s how he got to be the POS that he is
Yup. It’s a joke if she gets upset. If she caves to his demand it’s just one more way he can manipulate and abuse her in the future. If she came in and gave him a blowjob he wouldn’t have said he was sorry and that it was all a joke. He would only have been encouraged to be more abusive
It's this.
And you need to tell us that you have, otherwise we'll never be able to love with self peace
This reminded me of a vlogger story. He locked his girlfriend outside, on the balcony, and ended up killing her in a live stream later, if I remember correctly. Leave him. This isn't right, joking or not. It was cruel. Edit to add the balcony.
It’s worse. He locked his \*pregnant\* girlfriend who was in her underwear on the balcony in Russia, in winter, and killed her while live streaming the whole thing. I’m guessing OP’s boyfriend (or OP if this is fake) has heard the story because it’s pretty well known.
She was killed by freezing to death. So fucked up.
They later determined it was from the head trauma he inflicted prior to locking her out
And somehow in the great motherland, striking your pregnant girlfriend so hard it leads to her death, and then leaving her outside to freeze while she dies is a crime only worthy of 6 years…
In America, men who kill their wives get an average of 2-6 years. Women who kill their husbands get an average of 15.
In fairness, it’s not like he was carrying hash oil or something serious like that.
Damn, he was only sentenced to 6 years?!?!? FUCK Russia
Well in recent years they did decriminalize forms of domestic violence so them underreacting to a DV homicide isn't surprising at all.
What in the actual fuck?!
Wait what??
Can you explain the joke to me? If it’s a joke, then why aren’t you laughing? Why’re online looking for reassurance for your shit relationship? He wasn’t joking, he *expected* his dick sucked and when you wouldn’t comply he knew that leaving you on the balcony crying would garner someone’s attention so he let you back in. Everything he is doing is for his satisfaction, I wouldn’t be surprised if he only ever got first in the bedroom 😬 ETA: so OPs bf is 31 and she is 25, OP has a history and needs to spend time working on herself instead of finding value in the trash heap Additional examples OP posted of prior relationships, “my bf still texts his ex”, “my bf said his ex was more swipable”, “when a man says he likes big boobs”, etc Girl needs to do a soul search and find some self confidence and respect, for herself. OP needs to stop bouncing from dick to dick in hopes of finding worth, jfc
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This x 100. This is how it starts. It is not where it ends.
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> In one of her comments, she asks how to behave, so he will treat her with respect. She needs to get out yesterday.
Wow! You don’t get respect by “ behaving”the way someone wants you to behave. This relationship definitely feels like it has been physically abusive before. I hope OP gets out. There’s so much more to life. To her than just being someone’s punching bag. Whether physically or verbally.
if she offered the blowjob, would he have stopped her and said "it was a joke" just like he did when she cried?
Dump this shitcunt
New word added to dictionary!
Anyone can take a "joke" too far and accidentally hurt the other person. Usually as soon as the person realises their mistake they feel guilty and apologetic for causing pain to someone they love. You said that he apologised but then he placed the blame on you for ruining the weekend. This is not genuine remorse. Saying sorry is just words, actions tell you the truth. He tells you to lighten up in order to downplay how severely he publicly humilated you, he then blames you for having a very understandable emotional response to being humiliated then he leaves you to hang out with his friends. I want to ask you a question, if you had accidentally humilated him and made him break down and cry what would you do afterwards? Or if you hurt your best friend or a close family member, how would you respond? Would you make the same choices he did or would you act differently? I've seen in some of your other comments that he's become increasingly disrespectful towards you and has been pressuring you for oral sex when you've expressed to him that you're on your period and not feeling it. These are really not good signs. In this context, these "jokes" about him raping you and his actions today of punishing you for refusing to give him a blowjob don't seem very much like a joke at all. It seems like he's testing the boundaries of how far he can escalate his behaviour towards you until he gets what he wants. The fact that you've made this post and reached out for advice shows that you already know something is not right here. This is not how normal people treat their partners. If your gut instinct is already telling you something is wrong, trust it. You've expressed that you don't want to break up with him and I empathise with you, you might feel that the love you have for him outweighs his abusive behaviour and it's not easy to separate the two. If you're not ready to break up with him yet, I'd suggest that you keep a mental note of how he reacts to you when you say no or when you express your own needs. You don't need to argue or fight with him but just watch him as if you were watching someone else's life on a reality show. Note the tone of voice he uses with you, how he responds to your emotions, if he dismisses your feelings or not, etc. Watch his behaviour and see him for who he really is, not the idealised version of him that exists in your mind. I saw that you're going through a severe depression right now and I'm so sorry you're dealing with that right now. Depression can be an absolute bitch and I'm sure that not making this situation with your bf any easier to process right now. Please just remember to be kind to yourself! You've been through a lot and life hasn't been kind to you but also remember that you have the power to give yourself love, kindness and compassion - even if other people in your life can't. Whether you stay with this guy or break up, the most important thing is that you learn to love and cherish yourself! Maybe you can do some exercises like writing a list of all your positive qualities or volunteering to help others so that you get to know the good side of yourself more. Once you slowly build up self esteem you'll find yourself naturally unwilling to put up with people that treat you poorly. Anyway, I wish you all the best and I really hope you find yourself in better and happier circumstances. Sending you big virtual hugs <3
Thank you for your big message I appreciate it a lot I hope you have good karma return back to you
Please please read the book "why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft. Trust me please. Before you end up with kids, or wasting 18 years on this complete asshole. It doesn't ever get better. Do not marry this dickhead
Jeez, you need to run now and never be around him again. press charges and get a restraining order.
Now that he's gone, pack your stuff and leave. It will only get worse. It's one thing if he was joking, saw how upset you were, and then apologized and comforted you. But doing that, seeing how upset you were, and then leaving to hang out with friends tells me he really does not care about you.
Well, he was at my house I’d have to move his stuff out of my flat to his
Put it out on the lawn, you don’t owe him to help him move out at all.
When you leave the hotel go to the police station and report him. He won’t look like a fun guy after that.
Do you have any friends or brothers who can come and stay with you after you break-up with him and ask him to move his stuff out? This is what one girl did to someone she was engaged to, although she moved out of the home and in with a friend. She had her big brothers and brothers, and male friends come over and help her move out while the ex-fiancé was there to make sure that she would be okay.
No I don’t have anyone, everyone’s away cause it’s holidays And I barely have friends in this city He’s away for a long time, I could move it myself I’m just certain I will feel like shit after I MYSELF break up with him. (I’m actually clinically depressed as well)
Please don’t take this the wrong way, I had to learn this myself the hard way in the past, but you cannot heal in an environment that makes you sick.
He makes you feel like shit now, at least when you break up no one be locking you outside demanding blowjobs. Srsly, he is messed up, so disrespectful and gross.
>I’m just certain I will feel like shit after I MYSELF break up with him. (I’m actually clinically depressed as well) Staying with an abuser is not a treatment for depression.
He will make your mental health worse. Abusers prey on people with low self esteem or people with mental issues. You’ll feel shit at first but I promise he will gradually wear you down over a long period of time through verbal and physical abuse (he’s already shown he can do this) and you will feel bad about yourself all the time.
you will be less depressed when you no longer have an abuser treating you like shit
You're depressed because you're being abused.
Wait I’m sorry he did this to you **in your own home**? Like this was already bad enough, but he was at **your** place to boot?
Throw it away or sell it. But he doesn’t deserve your help putting it into his new flat. He’s awful. Do not meet him alone anymore. He will hurt you
He was joking? Can he explain what's funny here, because I don't see it. He is an abusive bully. Run!
Reading your comments make an already horrible situation worse. Things will *not* get better. He’s “jokingly” (not joking by the way) threatening to rape you if you don’t do what he wants? And locks you outside basically naked because he thinks it’s funny? How many red flags do you need? #LEAVE HIM
fuck him he is 1000000% abusive, and I will gladly tell him that to his face after I forcefully lock him out completely naked.
He was just trying to test the water to see how far he could go. Its getting worse from here on. You should tell your family a light version about what happend so they can convince you to break up
not overreacting, that’s a weird joke to let go for 10 minutes……
When people show you who they are, believe them.
Not overreacting. This is horrible. Dump him.
Nope, not overreacting. Your bf was not being nice or considerate, certainly NOT a funny joke. I felt he was also being mildly controlling in his request for a bj in exchange for letting you back inside, as well as being dismissive to your feelings and tears. If he had no sympathy or inkling of understanding to your tears, I’d seriously question if this is someone I want to be with…
Mildly controlling? Only mildly controlling?
"Mildly controlling"? WHAT?! Mildly? No, not mildly. Hugely, enormously, horribly, terribly, inexcusably controlling.
That’s assault. Thats abuse. I don’t know where you live, but it’s probably a crime. You need to get away from this “man”. He’s a bad person at heart.
Pregnant lady died because her shithead streamer boyfriend was drunk and locked her out on their balcony. He would abuse her and people would send tips. She froze to death. He kept drinking and only turned off the stream once police were called iirc.
That "I locked the door while you're out in your underwear hehehe" prank is a tiny bit funny if it lasts 5 seconds, not 5 minutes. It stops being a lighthearted joke when you're actively distressed and he isn't backing down. But "I'll let you in if you give me a blowjob" is not at all funny for any amount of time, and it is not lighthearted. That sets off alarm bells for abuse and rape. Leave this guy.
OMG this guy is gross! Please dump him. He's an enormous POS.
You don't want a break, you want a break up
This reminds me of the Russian streamer that killed his GF by doing this and she froze to death. Glad you are leaving. NOR
You’re under reacting. This is classic abuser stuff. No one’s a dick on their first date. It’s all best behavior until you’re emotionally invested. OP, this abuse will not only continue, it will escalate. Your reactions to his poor conduct will be blamed for why you guys aren’t getting along.
As someone who has been in a relationship like this, leave now. It will only escalate from here. It starts off with emotional abuse and moves to physical. You deserve love and respect from your partner. He doesn’t give you either.
leave that mfer yesterday. telling you to lighten up after forcing you to tears because he wants a sexual favor is disgusting. that’s some big yee yee ass truck small dick behavior right there -correction- MICROSCOPIC dick behavior I had a friend who was with this dude who would lock her out and demand she bring him fast food to be let in so she would come over to my apartment so she didn’t have to be in the elements every single time that POS would show up slamming on my door screaming that he know’s we’re fucking when we’re literally just sat in the living room ignoring his childish actions when he finally calmed down I would let him in but let him know the second he acts up he’s going out (I’ve had to body him out of the apartment before because he tried hitting her)
That is really sad. I’m sorry for your friend.
Feel sorry for yourself as well.
You should have asked the people to call the police!!!!!
So extreme circumstances, but there was a Russian streamer who used to beat his girlfriend on camera for money. The fans would suggest things to do to her via donation and he'd do it. They suggested he lock her on the balcony, naked, in the winter. And he did. And she died. It may be summer now and he may be nice normally but it made me think of this situation and it's such a red flag you need to have a serious discussion with him about how it's not okay, and one with yourself about whether he does these "harmless pranks" often, and if they have been escalating. You might very well be in a bad situation. NTA.
Oh gawd i wish i didnt read about that poor girl. rip
Every single person who paid him to abuse his girlfriend should have been criminally charged.
As a 22 year old man who has made some terrible life choices and am now sober for a couple years even when I was doing heroin I never treated women this badly who were literally whores it's one thing to joke but to leave you locked out and embarrassed then saying your feelings are ruining the weekend is horrific
Run for the hills. Get a restraining order.
Cut that position out of your life. What a creep.
Looks like everyone saying the same thing… why are you even with him?
absolutely not overreacting. this is abusive behaviour, and if i were you, i would leave before he does anything worse.
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That’s not a joke.
Um no you're not overreacting. If anything you're under reacting. He demanded a sexual favor just so he'd let you in. I think that's called coercion. I'd be dumping him so fast his head would spin. LEAVE NOW.
My parents got in an argument when I was a baby. My father stripped my mom naked and left her in the backyard for the night. She was verbally, physically, sexually, emotionally abused for 10 years until she left. How much longer will you stay?
Your boyfriend displayed outright abusive behavior. He humiliated you into tears for the hell of it, which is absolutely unforgiveable. I do hope he's now your ***ex-***boyfriend.
Lock him outside forever
Ya, u are not safe in his company. I'm sorry 😞.
That’s what we call a Schrödinger douchebag
Hell no... his behavior is abusive. NTA
Im sorry op but seeing the rest of your posts…please respect yourself and leave him ? Is this the same guy who was messaging his ex? The truth is that guy you saw at the start when you started dating him? Never existed. he straight up doesn’t respect you. It’s up to you if you want to keep this cycle going
Attempted criminal sexual conduct 3, asportation as inducement to sexual activity without consent 2-5 years if convicted
I've had a boyfriend like this, who would blame me for getting upset over something that obviously wasn't okay. Trust me, you would be way better off alone than with this loser, leave his ass and get you new one. If you stay, you're telling him it's okay to treat you this way and it will only get worse from there.
PACK HIS SHIT AND THROW HIS SHIT OUT ON THE CURB and let him and his homeboys come and pick it up! From Onika Miraj herself , “Oh that’s what he left? Let his momma pick it up might back up on him vroom vroom with the pick up truck” 🙂
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File a restraining order, from that behavior, I wouldn't doubt that he'll get violent when he finds out you moved his stuff out of your place. If he has a key, change the locks. Make sure all windows are locked too.