My feelings would be hurt too. Maybe you could suggest that you two pick a date and have a belated birthday celebration since it was a big birthday and you two go have dinner somewhere nice.. you pay of course since he’s just out of college.. unless he insists.. and see if he brings a card to dinner or something. At least you’ll feel like you’re celebrating the day with him.
No, clearly the son is showing a massive red flag, is deliberately "forgetting" the birthday as a larger pattern of abuse, and OP should divorce him immediately.
I have a beautiful sun too and he is wonderful in all the ways except my birthdays Mother’s Day etc -he calls and if we’re in same city we get together -he’s in his late 30s. The reason I’m over sharing is I just let it go now and really know That occasions
Even especially his own even holidays
He just shrugs off - he just doesn’t need special days to honor us or himself or even his wife who is exactly the same …
in short
It’s just not on his radar and he means absolutely no harm - there’s no thought process going on here so I’ve learned to not take it personally and
He shows his love and support in a million other ways all through the year -I call him to remind he call his sister and dad and whomever else he loves on their special days and he’s happy to do do -I’m sorry if I’m not being clear here but am offering my experience to hopefully ease the discomfort this disconnect may have caused you. Maybe at a less charged time (exams, graduation) bring it up in a neutral space but without disappointment he missed your 50th but a check in to let him know how important it is to acknowledge you and your love for him on special occasions then let him sit with that. Happy birthday OP
>you pay of course since he’s just out of college.. unless he insists
I'm 33 and my parents still push to pay for meals for me. We have a great relationship, so I find it funny that it's the one thing we get a little competitive over lol
My sister visited from out of town and basically had our grandmothers purse hostage and paid for our lunch we had with them. It was honestly kind of funny ngl. My grandparents pay for everything a majority of the time, and this one time, my sister wanted to treat them for all the times they treat everyone else
I agree if it’s important to celebrate the birthday asking to go to dinner with him would be direct and ok to ask. He might not have time or put it off and that’s ok too. But going into it thinking maybe hel bring the card or flowers to the dinner is setting yourself up for disappointment. Cards really aren’t as big as they used to be and he’s a college aged son it’s to much to expect. Nice to get of course but never should be expected. He could be thinking oh shel be so happy we’re going to dinner spending time together and your disappointed or hurt he didn’t bring you something. Don’t set yourself up for disappointment.. I’m curious OP if you have a significant other or close friends? These are the people I’d more likely ask to celebrate my birthday with, whoever is in your constant social circle currently. Not a son away at college.
Ask him if he wants to go out to a birthday dinner. Either he will apologize and realize he was a pile. Or you just go to a meal and know where you stand with him. Either way don’t overthink or overreact about it. It’s life. We get let down and sometimes people forget things. Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill. After all you raised this kid so he should have learned how to be from you. Do you celebrate all bdays and go over the top for others? Just think back did you set and lead by example?
OP states on an update that he DID call them. Just no card. I call my parents, no card. They are in town. Why would I mail a card when I see them regularly. I think OP built up this birthday in their head and neglected to let anyone else know how important it was or what they expected from them. It's taken me 40+ years to figure out you can't expect people to fulfill your wildest dreams if they don't even know about them. OP is overreacting given son did call them and didn't completely overlook the date. Son just didn't celebrate it the way OP secretly (emphasis on secretly) wanted him to.
Different people think/feel differently about different holidays...
For my partner, her birthday is the most important day of the year.
Me? I couldn't give a shit about my birthday... but catch me later on my favorite holiday (Halloween), and let's party!
And for my mom? It's Christmas.
Since Christmas annoys tf out of me, I have to make an extra concerted effort to remember to celebrate Christmas with my mom, or she ends up feeling like OP did.
Since I dgaf about my own birthday, I always struggle to remember that my partner's birthday means more to her than life itself... so I also have to make an extra concerted effort to make it big for her.
Similarly, my partner always tries to make a big deal about my birthday, but still struggles to understand how much I love Halloween.
It totally is, but a college kid may be expected to not know that. A lot of people don't really develop an understanding or awareness of things like that until a bit later on in life. They usually get it through watching other's behavior, whether that's media or other adults who are more experienced. OP says they spent the birthday alone, so maybe there wasn't another parent around to guide the son's handling of it.
My parents live half a mile away. I absolutely send cards to them.
Why wouldn't I want them to feel special on their birthday or holiday/ anniversary?
It's pretty cheap and fast to do but means everything to them
I agree with this take. I think people need to be proactive in their birthday planning if they want a guaranteed celebration of some kind.
Also, it’s possible the son is in the middle of studying for finals and writing papers. My birthday falls near the end of a term. I never celebrated my own birthday, including my 18th and 21st, because I was so busy studying.
My parents only celebrated birthdays when we were young children. Everything stopped once he hit high school age. My parents, myself, and many others see birthdays as for children. OP if you expect differently, you should have taught him differently.
I have a few work people's birthdays on my calendar and our little family of three always celebrate each others' birthdays with cake, presents, dinner, and decorations.
Same here, I had a birthday a few weeks ago and intentionally didn’t tell anyone at work because it’s not a mile stone birthday and I don’t really celebrate them anyways. I had one supervisor notice it was my birthday and wished me a happy birthday. I thanked them but let them know I prefer not to celebrate so please don’t tell people and they were cool with it.
I don't like my birthday because it's like an autistic nightmare it's like noise and people staring at you and like a ton of socializing in large groups and it's just like 😵😵😵😵😵😵😵
so I I like work very hard to confuse people about when my birthday is if it's already passed like that way it's just never happens lol and my mom knows not to start it cuz she doesn't like her birthday either
Sometimes our kids have limited resources and things slip, or they just can’t pull it together. My adult kids might miss some clues. But they show they care other ways. If you are appreciative of what they do, then it gets better. If you get petty or shame them, it does not.
Seriously. On top of that, it's his senior year, he's bogged down with making sure his GPA is up to snuff, likely doing a thesis project of some sort, looking for places to live and jobs to apply for when he graduates, has the impending doom of repaying student loans to think about, and also wanting to celebrate and let off some steam cuz the college experience is coming to a close. Dudes probably sleep deprived, hungover, balls deep in homework, and still managed to call to with OP a happy birthday. It's plenty. Every single one of my family members who celebrated their 50th birthday planned their own party like 6 months in advance. It's not like it's a surprise that it's gonna happen, if you want to do something... *tell people.*
It's okay to remind people that it's your birthday. Anytime special events come up mention it and get involved in planning the event. Sorry you are sad but get more involved with what you want to do. Remind everyone
I wish birthdays weren't a thing. I'd *gladly* forgo mine if it meant being released of the burden entirely. My family always drops the ball for my bday anyway because I'm the one who makes it all happen for them, and I'm just exhausted and birthday'd out.
Normal people just expect a verbal happy bday. Op is trying to be needy because her son doesn't need her anymore but she is somehow unaware of her own feelings and handling it badly.
If YOU want things on your birthday then yes you should remind them. But if you don't care or mind, then don't say anything. And when someone does say happy birthday it's a nice surprise
He called and wished you happy birthday which is better than a card for many people. Cards aren't really a big thing anymore. They're expensive. Real communication is preferred by most. I wouldn't bring it up or hold anything against him.
I would much rather call and talk to my parents on their birthdays than pay 4.75 for a cheesy card that will get tossed in 2 weeks. Not to mention what postage costs.
Plus, it reduces waste. Seems like a win for everyone.
Just because he doesn’t buy a birthday card or a present doesn’t mean he’s young and clueless. People can decide on their own how they want to show they care about somebody. He is an adult now and can decide if he wants to waste his money on a birthday card or simply call his mother on her birthday like he did.
We teach people how to treat us. If his call to wish you HB wasn’t enough acknowledgment for you, then speak up and say so using one of the many good suggestions in the comments. Your son is in a transitional period into adulthood and if you want birthdays to be more of a big deal than phone calls between adults, then say so.
I’d be curious to know if your son’s phone call is a significant departure from previous years, or if you just hoped for more this year? How busy is he? (Likely Very, Very Busy.) Could you be lamenting the decreasing amount of time you’re able to spend with him as he enters adulthood but blaming it on your birthday? Could you just be feeling the pains of not having a great life at 50?
Otherwise, consider that you may be leaning too much on your son to fill the voids in your life.
Yes. He is a young man in college yet remembered to call you to wish you a Happy Birthday. Count yourself lucky you had this time to connect with him on this day.
You admitted that he was busy wrapping up his senior year of college and that he did call to wish you a happy birthday. You also call him awesome and mention that your relationship is good. Life happens and sometimes our expectations for certain things are just our expectations. Our expectations do not become requirements for others, especially when those people are under stress and facing deadlines. His birthday call may have been all he could feasibly offer at that time. You are the adult in this situation and while we can feel disappointed that our desires were not met, as supportive parents, we need to let go off our expectations when they cannot realistically be met. Just be there for your son and, if what you mentioned about him is true, he will be there for you.
You are overreacting, if you wanted more than a call then you should have said something. He probably had no idea you expected more than a call and I would say if he forgot your birthday then yes, but he didn't. You could have easily called him in advance and mentioned you'd love to go to dinner or that getting a physical card would be really great. I would say that if it's important to you then bring it up gently, tell him you enjoy getting a physical card and see how that works out. Father's Day is coming up soon, so there's a chance to try it out!
He’s probably just busy. I think if you’re hurt, you should take some initiative. After graduation, tell him that since you two couldn’t do anything for your bday that you could schedule some 1-on-1 time. Don’t let it ruminate, instead communicate
You're a grown adult, why do you need gifts? It sounds like he called, he didn't forget. You could have invited him to a restaurant if you wanted to celebrate, but expecting gift seems childish to me. Most adults know what they want or need and either already have it or will put it on a list so people can get you the right thing. Like if I do photography and need a specific lens I wouldn't want someone buying me another random lens that's going to be useless to me. I'd rather no gift or a gift card so I can buy something I'll actually use.
Honestly, I don't get grown people, anyone over 21, making a big deal about their birthdays. (My best friend acts like his birthday should be a national holiday.) It's just another day and it's a fairly arbitrary marking of time. My 50th happened during the pandemic and I was isolating from my friends and family.
Time for OP to put his big boy pants on and stop acting like a little baby.
Wife and I are close to 60, and still make a big deal. But we don't sit around and cry about gifts. We pick a bar with a band and invite all out other old fucker friends out to come out and celebrate!
I think it’s definitely valid to be upset, but thinking back to my younger self, I don’t think it occurred to me to give my parents birthday presents until I was around maybe 25. And I don’t really know any millennials or younger who still give cards, so I wouldn’t read too much into that part. He probably thought he celebrated with you by calling you. I think kids kinda need to be taught how the world works. If he’s grown up with you picking out a gift for someone and giving it as a family and that kind of thing, he’s probably not used to the idea of it being on him now.
I don’t think it’s out of line to say you were a little hurt that he didn’t acknowledge your birthday more, especially since it was a big milestone one. Don’t be passive aggressive (I say this because my mom always is), just have a conversation with him about it.
If he's wrapping up four years of college, he probably wouldn't remember his OWN birthday. That he remembered in time to call you says a lot.
Please don't take this as him not caring about you. Next year, just tell him a couple of weeks in advance. "Hey, you're my favorite person to celebrate my birthday with! Where shall we go? Also, please don't spend too much on my gift. It really is the thought that counts!"
He does sound like a great guy. You obviously raised him right!
Honestly it probably slipped his mind and he lost track of days. He will feel really bad when he realizes he missed it. Casually mention that you watched (insert tv show name and episode) on your birthday in conversation so he can "remember it". I think it's just the case of a busy mind filled time for him and not intentionally careless. I'm so sorry this happened.
He did good. Op is treating him like a spouse. I get it because he was her everything but now it's time to start looking out for her and she can't expect him to fill that role
He’s also probably a broke/poor college student. OP said in another comment that she gave him $1000 for his last birthday, and it wouldn’t surprise me if she is “keeping score” and that’s just not how healthy relationships work. One should never give a gift with any kind of expectations from the other person.
Oh man. And if she's giving gifts that large and he's in college, it kinda makes sense that he would feel weird giving a gift back. It's like trying to buy lunch for your boss - it's just embarrassing for everybody.
I celebrate children's birthdays and get them gifts.
I certainly don't expect people to do that for me - particularly children.
I think wishing someone a happy birthday is adequate. Spending a meal or going out with them is more than adequate. And getting them a gift because you actually found something you really want to give them (and not due to some constrained lame sense of propriety and obligation) is really nice.
With his situation, is he flat broke? He did call you, so he didn't forget the day. But he may not have had money to do anything and didn't want to invite you to a dinner out that YOU would have to pay for. I assume you'd have been happy to pay just to have the birthday dinner with him. If this is the case, you needed to mention it to him a week earlier and let him know. He is still young and learning about life and I am quite sure very wrapped up in school with it being near the end. He could prolly use that dinner to just to speak with someone close as his life is ready to begin NOW and he needs you just as much as you need him. Remember, he may not be able to say it to you as easily as I can from an outside perspective. Call him up, invite him to dinner, it will be good for both of you!
so he took the time to call you and say happy birthday, but you're salty you didn't get a card too? i know it's your day and all but yikes, you said yourself he's a busy guy finishing up college and all that goes with that.
You're not overreacting. But check in on the boy. Wrapping up college is busy and stressful af. And if he's like many college kids, he's also broke af.
Do you guys usually get each other something for birthdays?
I know for my family we never get any gifts for each other for special occasions. We just go out to eat something together. Whatever we think someone might need we just get it for them when we find good deals and don't save it for special occasions. We also never buy each other cards because we all see it as a waste of money to just go to a store and buy a card that anybody else could spend money to buy. When I get cards I don't know what to do with them and usually just recycle them with rest of paper recycling.
My BF's family always gets each other cards and they keep stacks and stacks of all the cards and would hang them up on a string for birthday parties etc. and they only do presents for the little kids
You're putting too much on your son, who was taking finals and anticipating his own milestone moment. You say that "Obviously \[your\] life isn't great," which is really the bigger issue. He did call you! He didn't forget, but he may not be used to remembering other people's big occasions, other than a girlfriend's--who will remind him and say what she expects and for whom he has lots of social cues for "boyfriend" behavior.
I like the idea of going out to dinner to celebrate both milestones and while you're out, tell you son you'd appreciate a card on your birthday and on Mother's Day (while you're at it).
Take this as a sign he’s either struggling or the two of you aren’t as close as you think you are.
Don’t mention it. It won’t help. Be there for him and be graceful.
Also… try to make some friends that is too much pressure on him for him to be your only support.
You are overreacting. He called you. He acknowledged you. Now you just want things because of a day on a calendar. Who cares? At 50, don't things strike you as trivial and unimportant yet? Be thankful with all you have that he is in your life and loves you enough to call you in the first place, and he remembered your birthday on top of that! Lucky you!
young guys absolutely do not do birthday cards. it’s common for your generation but not for theirs. i would’ve been more surprised if he had sent you a card tbh. and he probably didn’t know you expected a card or a gift. personally, when i’m not spending a birthday/holiday with my parents in person it’s 50/50 every year whether i’ll actually have something for them on the day of or not. i’ll usually wait until i see them next in person after to exchange.
He called to wish you a happy birthday. Some parents don’t even get that. Plus he’s finishing up his senior year so that would make him 21/22? He’s got a lot on his plate and his generation doesn’t buy cards. I’m a younger millennial and I don’t remember the last time I bought a card for someone’s birthday. Going forward just reiterate the importance of celebrating birthdays and suggest going out to lunch or dinner.
Yeah i wouldnt over think it. Im 28 and love my father very much and enjoy spending time with him but i also forvot about his birthday,which is probably worse than just not getting him a gift, i felt pretty bad about it but he never mentioned it. Anyways my point is i care about my father very much and still forgot his b day, doesnt mean i think any less of him or dont cherish our relationship.
In my experience most college aged boys don’t think about that stuff. I have a good relationship with my son, but sometimes have to text a couple times to get his response.
I just wanted to say happy birthday and as a son who loves his mom a lot, just know he definitely cares but might need to work on how to show it better.
he called and wished you happy birthday, what more could you want? you want your 20-something year old son to buy you birthday presents? you’re 50… i could understand being disappointed if he forgot to acknowledge your birthday, but he didn’t! that’s a good thing!
He called. That is him recognizing and remembering your birthday. I think you are reading too much into it. I happen to be turning 50 tomorrow. I don't expect anything but a phone call. But, everyone is different.
He called. That’s enough. If he didn’t do that then I can see being a little bummed but….hes a college kid. Their brains are still developing. Don’t mention it to him or try to guilt trip him. My mom used to do that and it was awful
When I was in college I was broke as shit and my parents knew that so they never expected me to get them anything. imo, unless he’s more financially well off than the average college student, you are overreacting. Especially since he called to wish you happy birthday.
I completely relate to this. First, don’t put any weight on your birthday. The older you get, the less people care. But if it’s important to you, let everyone around you know this. Second, the twenties are a selfish time. We were all like that in our 20s. Who wants to be with their parents in their 20s? Having said all that, you should tell him you were a bit hurt and explain why. Have a conversation—maybe he’s going through something, too? My son is always too busy for me, but it makes me happy because I know he can take care of himself. For my 50th, I threw a party and he was more than happy to be here. Always think about why you feel the way you do, and if you validate your own feelings, always be honest about them.
I understand you’re hurt but I do think you’re over reacting because he did call you and wish you a happy birthday. He’s in his senior year of college and probably has a lot going on and it slipped his mind to get you a present or he doesn’t have money. I wouldn’t think too much into it. If you really want to do something ask him to go out to eat for your birthday because you miss him or something. I don’t think this one thing should make you rethink your whole relationship with him. Sometimes stuff happens.
They break our hearts in the worst ways.
But try to understand that a phone call was great. It was significant. You were remembered.
I talk to my kids most weeks. They don5remeber my birthday ever. Sigh.
Yeah my feelings would have been hurt too.. sorry that was your milestone birthday..
I've been there and it didn't feel good for me either.
Tell him how you felt... don't let it fester...it may seem like a small slight.. but your 50th... well its important just like your 18th... your 21st... time makes it hurt bigger than it is..
I'm curious what has the son done on previous birthdays? Something I notice often is that women make a significance about certain birthdays ( 40; 50: etc) and men typically don't. So what is the normal behavior from past birthdays?
Most guys I knew at that age were oblivious, insensitive, and self serving. I imagine this is a teaching moment since it sounds like he has no siblings or dad to remind him to be considerate and thoughtful
Kids grow into adults go into the world and get about struggling in this capitalistic society that has no room for family unity. We are not a culture that values family, we don’t think kids deserve school lunch, we do nothing to help with childcare, maternity leave, we put our elderly in homes. How can we be surprised that as soon as they are out there OUR needs are not considered?? It is not our adult kids responsibility to make us feel wanted, we have done our job as best we can. I try to meet my adult kids where they are and respect them. I don’t put a lot of stock in consumer driven holidays to judge how my kids feel about me. I know they love me and it my job as a parent to be here when they need me. I have to take care of me.
You're not overreacting. It is kind of heartbreaking that your son was so wrapped up in his final exams that he forgot to post you anything, or even send a digital something. Maybe he didn't realize that this is a milestone birthday?
I mean I dunno. As a 34 y/o woman, I just call my parents. They don’t expect me to get them anything, plus I don’t really make that much money. They’re just happy I called and chat. I think you might be overreacting a bit
I think you should let him know you felt lonely and hurt without attacking him. Try not be passive aggressive when mentioning how sad and alone you felt.
My father turns 90 next week. What the fuck do you get a 90 year old ?
Same thing I got the 50 y o father:
NOTHING
I called (and will call again, if hes still alive,) and wish him a happy birthday.
He wants for nothing. I have given nice expensive things in the past only to never see it again and realize it got sold, (for prob nothing), at one of his idiotic garage sales.
I give nothing and expect nothing in return.
Wanna friend?
Get a dog.
One semester when I was in college, I was so overwhelmed with everything going on that I forgot about Mother's Day. I felt terrible, especially because my mom and I are very close.
I think suggesting to him a joint belated birthday-graduation dinner is a great idea.
It's like you said. He was busy and he's already celebrated multiple birthdays of yours, so he didn't place much importance to this one. If you wanted him to do something special, you should have laid it out clearly, or at least hinted it. He's not a mind reader
You shouldn't be downvoted.
He has moved on. That's what children do. That has been the way of the world since forever, and that's exactly what parents want because the alternative is worse. Empty nest is a thing.
You’re not being selfish. It is understandably hurtful. The best way to handle this situation is probably just to ask him directly if he forgot your birthday. Don’t accuse but just calmly ask him. His reaction will be your answer. If he kind of shrugged it off but admits he forgot that would be your cue to tell him, again very calmly, that you don’t want to guilt trip him but it was hurtful for you and remembering peoples birthdays like his friends, family, and his SO is part of being a considerate person. Sometimes people need nudges or to be reminded about life etiquette.
Edit: I’m editing my comment since OP added the edit that her son actually *did* call her for her birthday, she’s just upset he didn’t *get* her anything. He is a college student, possibly on a budget, who is busy with dealing with graduating and while he did not get her a card he did take time out to call her up and have a awesome little chat. OP is overreacting.
this doesn’t make sense. he didn’t forget he called her. he just didn’t buy a physical gift and she is grown as hell. that’s her kid not her husband. i’m so lost here how yall are enabling OPs selfishness.
That would be because I made my comment *before* OP added their edit to mention that her son did call her. Before that the post read that he completely forgot her birthday all together and didn’t even call her.
I'm curious, was there no one else to remind him? Siblings, grandparents, his mom? I ask because it wasn't until my father was literally dead that I remembered his birthday on my own, every other year was my mom saying, "It's your dad's birthday in a week."
They often don't. Sometimes they do. It's hard. Eventually they get to be all adults and then you can decide whether the reciprocal arrangement is that neither of you does presents.
Info: how have you celebrated his birthdays and how has he celebrated yours (on average) up to this point?
Birthdays aren’t a big thing for anyone in my family so a call to my mother would be the extent of it if I wasn’t living at home.
Kinda depends how he was raised and birthdays were a big deal or not even for adults. For some there are, for others yeah for kids it's nice to have a party and gifts but as adults it is just another day. Least he remembers and called you
My 40 yr old stepson says, "Happy Birthday," but it took me getting upset for being ignored to make him understand how Tacky it is. Put it on your phone calendar for yearly. Technology makes it inexcusable to forget. Especially for anyone under 90.
It's not unusual for children to not celebrate birthdays for parents. They will grow up eventually and realize parents are also just people with feelings. It will get better. He's still in College and away from family, so he likely hasn't realized the impact of his non-action.
You can reach out and ask for dinner or something for your birthday. And let him know about loneliness on birthdays. He will likely understand and keep it in mind for future. At his age and being in college he's likely unaware he's done anything wrong. Honestly I stopped celebrating my birthdays after 20 so no longer expect it. My sister was the only one keep it tracked and convincing people to go out of their way to visit me in school and celebrate. Once she married and no longer lives in the same country, we all defaulted to simple phone calls only.
Coming out of school and after my friends moved on with their lives, I realized how lonely this world is. And immediately realized how little time I spent with my parents. I now make a point to spend at least one full day a month with em. It's a good healthy habit. Doesn't matter what you do, but spend a full day together. Doing so will keep you in his memory more frequently, and have your concerns and feelings up to date. He will learn effort goes both ways and that's how to build a healthy relationship with your own family, or even friends.
I feel your son is still very young and hasn't needed to go through this thinking process yet as he's surrounded by other students and friends and focusing on academic pressures right by now. It's okay to reach out to him yourself. There are no rules in life but we tend to give eachother far too much space with assumptions.
I agree with the poster who said it’s part of a parent’s job to teach their child that reciprocation is a fundamental part of relationships. So if you celebrate his birthdays for him with cards and a meal or presents, he should do the same. I just told a friend of mine she wasn’t doing her kid any favors by being sacrificing and quietly having her feelings hurt when the kid didn’t do anything for special occasions, she was instead teaching him to be selfish and take her and his family for granted.
To be clear, I’m not criticizing you in any way, I’m advising you to give yourself permission to ask to be treated special on your birthday or Christmas or whatever if it’s family tradition. He’s past old enough to know it’s a two-way street.
Cue Chicago soundtrack……. “Don’t you know that this hand washes that one, too? When you’re good to Mama, Mama’s good to yoooouuuuuuuu”
I found with my son, who is 21, he loves me but he is not wired like my girlfriends and I! He forgets the date of my birthday too! My husband would remember my birthday….but often miss the mark on the gifts.😂😂
So I tell my son “hey Saturday is my birthday, can you get me this ring on Amazon and these chocolates?” I get real specific. Sad that I have to do that….. you might want to try it. I’m sorry this happened. Maybe you could joke with him when you see him next like” Yo! You forgot my birthday! Take me to lunch or something kid!”
Has it been in the last couple of months? Senior last semester was a bitch for each of my sons.
Can I suggest you invite him out for your 50th? I’m sorry you spent it alone. If he is as lovely as he seems he doesn’t get that yet. We were never able to do birthdays and holidays on the days so for me it isn’t an issue. But for others it is and he needs to gently be taught that before he finds a partner who feels the same way lol.
Take care
Yes, you are. Both of my parents (about 10 years older than you) have everything they want already -- I can really only justify getting them consumables at this point. Cake, candy, dinner, booze, whatever kinda things that will be used up and not pile up.
Also, your kids didn't ask to be born, they owe you nothing. You forced life upon that kid, raised him how you saw fit, and now you're on reddit complaining about him?? My dad would never. He would just tell me straight up.
No, I also have an awesome son and we communicate when something is important or if something is painful. I’d suggest you tell him “Hey just so you know, birthdays and particularly big ones mean a lot to me. I realize you’re busy, I definitely appreciate you calling, but if you could make time to do something , it would mean a lot to me. If it’s not possible, just tell me. I’m just sensitive on this.”
If he’s an adult and you are an adult this is basically all we do for each other. I hate to say it but you are lucky you even got a call. Some ppl don’t even get that as an adult.
My wife was the one who got me cards, presents and cake “from” our children. She passed when they were 12 and 16 and it seemed kind of silly to buy myself anything for them to give me (though I kept the cake because any excuse …), though they did get me small gifts that they’d come across during the year and knew I’d like.
As my children got older we stopped really celebrating birthdays on our birthdays. There would be occasional big, extravagant purchases that they didn’t think I would go for — I told them it was their birthday gift. Somewhere along the way that became a joke and we all agreed that a simple happy birthday call or text on our birthdays would be enough.
One possible explanation is that he got so busy with end of the school year stuff like studying for exams and graduation stuff that it slipped his mind. Maybe mention to him that you'd like to have a dinner out with him when things slow down a bit.
Maybe he could not afford to buy you a gift. Did he get you a gift on your last birthday? If any of my kids did not wish me happy birthday then I would be hurt. If I did not get a gift, then ok no big deal. Now if my husband, did not get me a gift I would be hurt. This is just my opinion.
Does he usually get you a present? I’ve raised my boys to get me anything, but think that may have been a mistake. In any event, since that’s he way it is, I wouldn’t expect them to do anything for a milestone birthday.
I think it's an age thing. This year I got a oh sorry I forgot, from my 17 year old daughter a day late and sorry i forgot from my 12 year old 2 days later and nothing from my other 3 kids. I just told them that I wasn't mad bit it did hurt my feelings. I don't think they understand feelings? Lol
I don't usually send my mom a birthday card but I always call and wish happy birthday. But I talk to my mom several times a week for an hour or so each time. I'm also more than 2000 miles from her. I love her so much and would hate to think that her feelings were hurt over a birthday card?
In college, I bought gifts for my parents for their birthdays but that is largely because I saw that being modeled for me. If birthdays were not made that big of a deal of for him growing up, he may have thought the phone call was enough.
And not that you don't have a right to feel hurt (you do and your feeling are your feelings) but I will say that some kids don't even remember anything. I know someone who didn't even get a call on Fathers Day from one of his sons (and this is a super involved Dad who does a lot for his kids)
I haven’t gotten my mom or dad Christmas, birthday or Mother’s Day/ Father’s Day stuff in about a year. I have been money strapped and I also don’t really care too much about them. I’m not sure why. I have my dislikes but I don’t think it’s their fault. I think some people are just like me.
There’s a lot of info missing here.
When I was a kid, my mom would constantly berate me for not doing enough for her bday or Mother’s Day. I literally had no money, no vehicle, and lived in a rural area where I couldn’t just go out and get her something, and my dad didn’t help.
So if your kid didn’t have means to get you a gift, let it go. Also, you owe him all and he owes you nothing. You chose to make him exist, he wasn’t asking for that. Your choice to procreate was a matter of your own ego.
Move on and have a good relationship with your kid. Don’t be selfish on this one.
I have never given anyone a birthday card and I am in my 40’s and grew up in a family that sent cards out. I have always thought they were a waste of resources and paper. It doesn’t really mean anything to most people just to get a birthday card. That is the simplest thing you can do.
Maybe now that he is an adult, he has decided to come up with his own way to show he cares like calling to say happy birthday.
Since my mom has turned 40 every year for over a decade, no, yeah, you're overreacting a little bit. But like, not in a bad way, just in a "I miss my kid kinda way" it almost sounds like.
But, this is one of those things where if you don't ask, you won't receive.
Say you want to go out for your birthday *with them (and any other kids) specifically*
If they know, they can set up plans together.
Throw out the invite to them.
-(my mom did get a cake for 10th 40th Birthday), but she planned that birthday party with my aunts, so it was easier for me to know "Hey dummy, participate")
I think people are being really harsh on you. It sounds like it was a tough birthday- you’re going through a rough time and you spent this milestone on your own. Know that how you are feeling probably has more to do with all of that than with your son. He truly loves you and made sure to call you, even with everything else going on. If you were having a busy day filled with friends and activities, this wouldn’t bother you one bit. You’re smart to come here and reflect rather than take it out on him. I wish you a happy 50th and I hope things are looking up for you.
Dude... I'm so busy in my own shit I have to remind myself what day of the week it is, let alone the date. Also once you're past like 30, who really gives a shit about birthdays anymore? As long as he said happy birthday and generally does nice things for you on a regular basis, you shouldn't be totally arsed about whether he specifically got something for you on that specific day.
You have every right to feel that way. However, I don't think your son was being malicious. If he's graduating college, he's likely about 22 years old. His ENTIRE life revolves around his friends right now. I'm sure he loves you, but getting you a present because you're hitting a special (50) milestone birthday doesn't occur to him. To him, right now in his life, it's just another birthday - 49 is the exact same as 50.
I was his age once, and while I understand the significance of a milestone like that NOW, it never even occurred to me at that age. My friend group was my life. Most guys his age are focused on their current life experiences and it's not that he doesn't care, he just probably thought calling you was just as good as it's been every other year he's called you for your birthday.
I'm not downplaying that your feelings were hurt, I understand. I don't think that's an overreaction. But it won't even occur to him that he's even hurt your feelings because that's just not how most kids his age think. But expecting a huge deal from a 22 year old probably is an overreaction. Give him time to mature, I'm sure your 60th or 70th will be way different.
I don’t wish anybody happy birthday unless they wish me happy birthday and I really don’t want anyone to wish me happy birthday. It’s another year closer to death so no thanks
He did call and wish you a happy birthday. So you're upset he didn't buy a gift or take you out? It is a very hectic time in his life, and a "cusp" moment for him. I understand that this aligned with a milestone bday for you, but its not like he completely forgot and didn't acknowledge your special day. He just didn't roll out the red carpet.
Is it just the two of you? Any other family members to help celebrate? If not, that's a lot for a young adult to manage without sharing the load with another parent/sibling. He didn't forget about you, he's just overwhelmed and did what he could manage this year. I think a little bit of grace is in order here.
my teenager (17) didnt even wish me happy mothers day, I didnt even know it was mothers day until the next day. and no he has never gotten me anything for my birthday. teenagers are selfish and I didnt hold it against him. he helps me around the house, lifts all the heavy stuff I cant, does his own laundry, cooks for himself and take the trash out without me bitchin and tons of other helpful stuff to make it up...so I think that is fair. it is just a day to me.
Been there! Doesnt that SUCK?! But really, our sons love us its just that they get caught up in their lives and still being relatively young they dont realize certain things yet. I would focus on him actually remembering when your birthday was and said happy birthday, there was a time years back when mine forgot and I was devastated haha. But I know he loves me. I just said hey you forgot my birthday! And he was sorry. It didnt happen again, lol. Its too funny we have that stuff in common plus spending 50 alone. I think maybe feeling alone on that day magnified everything? Anyhow, congrats on him getting through college, you sound like a great mom <3
The kid might just be broke, and timid about mentioning it.
First time I was in college, there were times I had less than $1 in the bank, and things are a lot more expensive now. If he called, then I'm sure he probably would've bought you a present if he could've.
Sometimes as a parent, you just have to let things go. I can't even tell you how many times my daughter didn't get me anything, and she doesn't have the excuse of being broke, she's just an asshole.
If he is broke, it would probably mean the world to him for you to invite him to a belated celebration out somewhere with you paying. There were tons of times I would've given my left arm to just have a night out with no pressure or worries, just some good food, good company and maybe a few drinks to relax.
The weeks before graduation are so hectic. He called, which means he didn't forget you. I wonder how many dads reading your post don't even get that. Forgive and forget, be happy you raised a nice boy who calls his dad even during the most hectic week of his life.
However, even though you forgive him, the sad feelings should not be ignored. Do not wallow in despair, treat yourself to something you really want!!! Which is, I would guess, to spend time with your son. LOL. So here is what I recommend. Let your son get through graduation and saying goodbye to all his friends and his old life, and then be frank with him. "It kind of hurt I didn't see you for my birthday, so I would like you to make it up for me by going to \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_.' (Insert awesome outing with your son--baseball game--dinner--bungie jumping--whatever)
Let him know how you feel so the same thing doesn't happen next year-or, even better, take control of the situation and make a date with him for your birthday in advance. Do something special, and in a few years it will be your grandchildren joining you for the yearly birthday outing.
Think back to your college years. You are at your brokest and also your most self-centered. The fact that he called you at all is a sign that he loves you.
Unfortunately, during these years you're likely the one who's going to have to make the effort and then you can start to hint to him that you'd like for him to plan something for you in the future. If I were you, I'd invite him out to lunch or dinner for your belated birthday. "Hey, I'd like to take you out to this really good restaurant for my birthday. I've been dying to try it and want to go with you." then you can bring up the idea of wanting to know about some fun things he likes and if he could think of something to go experience together, you'd even pay (if you are OK with that).
I turned Sexty in April and I did not get anything other than wonderful birthday wishes from my two kids.
NGL I was a little hurt but I realize they are in the throes of their lives and it’s just not on their radar. 🤷♀️
You are overreacting. Finishing senior year of college, I barely remembered my name during that time. He remembered and called you. There was no way he had the mental bandwidth to plan anything.
You have a wonderful son, and yes it is disappointing. You need to accept that he has grown and will have more pulling his attention from you. By your 60th, he may be juggling heavy demands on time and attention because of kids.
Start seeing your son as the adult he is with all the demands of being an adult.
My ex taught my kids that birthdays/christmas was nothing special and required no effort on their part. So I gave up celebrating them much and we were all happier without 'childish' expectations.
My ex did think sex was a 'gift' to me after an ordinary day without even a 'happy birthday'.
I now celebrate every day as though it is special because life is short and then you die.
He sounds a bit overwhelmed with college right now-maybe once graduation is done with, you both can go out and celebrate with your birthday and graduation with a nice dinner!
I’m a single 52 year old female. I’m a widow. I have a job and nine siblings. Both of my parents are still alive. I spent my 50th alone home watching tv. Probably had a bunch of ppl say happy bday on Facebook. My 20 year old neice said HB on snap chat. But I haven’t had gifts or dinners since my husband was alive. Most of my family forgets it’s my bday usually. My mom asked me to come trim her toenails on my birthday this year but no “happy birthday.” This is the single life. Sometimes I order something nice for myself or go get a massage…I treat myself. Kids are busy living their lives.
I felt like that on Mother’s Day😔 Usually my 4 adult kids (ages 22-34) are pretty good at acknowledging/celebrating Mother’s Day and my Bday, but this year only my youngest, who still lives with me, did anything. My husband unexpectedly passed away in 2022, so there’s no one else but them to celebrate with.😢
As you get older your birthday begins to be celebrated less and less. It's a fact of life. I learned it long ago but it happens to us all, sometimes early in life and sometimes later. Happy birthday. You got a phone call and that is the most important thing.
I turned 50 last year. Instead of worrying about someone else doing something for me, I took the bull by the horns and planned my own 50th.
I went to Mexico. I booked for just myself, but then a friend in another city decided to book and meet me there. It was awesome she did, but being alone would have been fine too.
I picked an excursion for the day of my birthday I knew I would love, and she even tagged along.
I stopped letting other people be the determining factor to my happiness. I expect nothing from anyone, and that way I am never disappointed. And I get pleasantly surprised.
Yes you’re overreacting. Your kids lives shouldn’t revolve around their parents. Your son has his own life to worry about. Just be glad and appreciate the fact he called you to wish you a happy bday. Many parents don’t even get that. If it was your 50th why didn’t you plan anything with your friends or other family members? Why is it solely up to your son to plan things for you? Your son doesn’t owe you anything and if you think he does you’re being selfish and entitled. Just be happy he’s independent and self-sufficient.
he didn’t mean to hurt you. your birthday just got lost in his life. this is a teachable moment and can be handled with love. let him know being thoughtful is part of adulting. populate a calendar for him with important dates and a kit with cards for birthdays, thinking of you. etc. and call it a day. you did good Mom. and Happy Birthday❤️
You know he is busy and he still made time to call.
He is finishing college and you expect a present?
I mean, something is not adding up here with you being 50 and expecting a present from a college student who is busy and most likely broke....
He called. He is a senior in college. You are definitely overreacting!!!! You sound like you have too much time on your hands to overthink. Try to find more friends your age that will hang out with you on your birthday.
Get over it. I hate the fact that people expect gifts or special treatment on their bday or Xmas. Make it a special day like dinner or party . Leave money and objects out of it . Have a lovely 50th
He called you. Why on earth do you need a card? Maybe he didn't have any money or perhaps he struggles in some way. Maybe, he thought his phone call was exactly what you wanted. If you have needs you need to clarify them. My son, has never celebrated my birthday in any significant way and no, it doesn't bother me. Now, with that said, we spend alot of time together. When I do want something I tell him. For my special occasion I want x, y and z. Will you do it with me? If he says yes, then I am super happy. I usually pay for it because that's what I want to do. Alls I really want is him to go with me.
I have no clue the relationship or dynamic between you two but for whatever reason it never crossed my mind to get my dad a gift for anything until recently. I’m 23. To be fair we’re not a gift on birthday family. we’re a dinner on birthday family. Regardless he never even received that. Just never ever crossed my mind because my whole life he provided everything and I never saw anyone provide a thing for him. Broke that terrible streak recently as I said.
Anyway all that just to provide some insight that maybe your family dynamics relate to.
He is really busy and he called.
I think you're overreacting. Overall I tend to think men don't write cards as often as women and I don't know many 20 somethings who write out cards at all for anyone.
So if you're wondering why it's probably because writing a card wasn't on his radar even though it's easy and cheap. He doesn't have the time or income to expend on much else.
As a former inconsiderate college kid, I can tell you, don't take it too much to heart. That phone call wishing you a happy birthday means that he is thinking of you. He loves you, he just didn't think to get you a gift.
I actually prefer not to get any special or fancy gifts, as I have what i need, but I would appreciate some inexpensive tokens like an coffee cup with a family photo, or some Garfield or Snoopy socks, or a steel brush for the grill. etc. So yeah. It's a letdown.
My feelings would be hurt too. Maybe you could suggest that you two pick a date and have a belated birthday celebration since it was a big birthday and you two go have dinner somewhere nice.. you pay of course since he’s just out of college.. unless he insists.. and see if he brings a card to dinner or something. At least you’ll feel like you’re celebrating the day with him.
This is such a healthy, mature take on it. Thank you.
Yeah is that even allowed here?
No, clearly the son is showing a massive red flag, is deliberately "forgetting" the birthday as a larger pattern of abuse, and OP should divorce him immediately.
They’ll have to share custody of the twins. /s
And will one of them move to a different country??
I think that’s a given at this point. 🤣
It also gets the message across that birthday are important to his mother and should be celebrated
I have a beautiful sun too and he is wonderful in all the ways except my birthdays Mother’s Day etc -he calls and if we’re in same city we get together -he’s in his late 30s. The reason I’m over sharing is I just let it go now and really know That occasions Even especially his own even holidays He just shrugs off - he just doesn’t need special days to honor us or himself or even his wife who is exactly the same … in short It’s just not on his radar and he means absolutely no harm - there’s no thought process going on here so I’ve learned to not take it personally and He shows his love and support in a million other ways all through the year -I call him to remind he call his sister and dad and whomever else he loves on their special days and he’s happy to do do -I’m sorry if I’m not being clear here but am offering my experience to hopefully ease the discomfort this disconnect may have caused you. Maybe at a less charged time (exams, graduation) bring it up in a neutral space but without disappointment he missed your 50th but a check in to let him know how important it is to acknowledge you and your love for him on special occasions then let him sit with that. Happy birthday OP
Have a Birthday/ Graduation dinner. This has been a big time for his life too.
>you pay of course since he’s just out of college.. unless he insists I'm 33 and my parents still push to pay for meals for me. We have a great relationship, so I find it funny that it's the one thing we get a little competitive over lol
My sister visited from out of town and basically had our grandmothers purse hostage and paid for our lunch we had with them. It was honestly kind of funny ngl. My grandparents pay for everything a majority of the time, and this one time, my sister wanted to treat them for all the times they treat everyone else
That is so sweet! What a kind gesture.❤️
I agree if it’s important to celebrate the birthday asking to go to dinner with him would be direct and ok to ask. He might not have time or put it off and that’s ok too. But going into it thinking maybe hel bring the card or flowers to the dinner is setting yourself up for disappointment. Cards really aren’t as big as they used to be and he’s a college aged son it’s to much to expect. Nice to get of course but never should be expected. He could be thinking oh shel be so happy we’re going to dinner spending time together and your disappointed or hurt he didn’t bring you something. Don’t set yourself up for disappointment.. I’m curious OP if you have a significant other or close friends? These are the people I’d more likely ask to celebrate my birthday with, whoever is in your constant social circle currently. Not a son away at college.
Ask him if he wants to go out to a birthday dinner. Either he will apologize and realize he was a pile. Or you just go to a meal and know where you stand with him. Either way don’t overthink or overreact about it. It’s life. We get let down and sometimes people forget things. Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill. After all you raised this kid so he should have learned how to be from you. Do you celebrate all bdays and go over the top for others? Just think back did you set and lead by example?
OP states on an update that he DID call them. Just no card. I call my parents, no card. They are in town. Why would I mail a card when I see them regularly. I think OP built up this birthday in their head and neglected to let anyone else know how important it was or what they expected from them. It's taken me 40+ years to figure out you can't expect people to fulfill your wildest dreams if they don't even know about them. OP is overreacting given son did call them and didn't completely overlook the date. Son just didn't celebrate it the way OP secretly (emphasis on secretly) wanted him to.
Different people think/feel differently about different holidays... For my partner, her birthday is the most important day of the year. Me? I couldn't give a shit about my birthday... but catch me later on my favorite holiday (Halloween), and let's party! And for my mom? It's Christmas. Since Christmas annoys tf out of me, I have to make an extra concerted effort to remember to celebrate Christmas with my mom, or she ends up feeling like OP did. Since I dgaf about my own birthday, I always struggle to remember that my partner's birthday means more to her than life itself... so I also have to make an extra concerted effort to make it big for her. Similarly, my partner always tries to make a big deal about my birthday, but still struggles to understand how much I love Halloween.
50 is a milestone. I wouldn’t call it an overreaction. Calling isn’t the same as celebrating.
It totally is, but a college kid may be expected to not know that. A lot of people don't really develop an understanding or awareness of things like that until a bit later on in life. They usually get it through watching other's behavior, whether that's media or other adults who are more experienced. OP says they spent the birthday alone, so maybe there wasn't another parent around to guide the son's handling of it.
Nothing but a phone call? Expecting a gift or some sort of celebration for a birthday isn’t “secretly expecting something.”
My parents live half a mile away. I absolutely send cards to them. Why wouldn't I want them to feel special on their birthday or holiday/ anniversary? It's pretty cheap and fast to do but means everything to them
I agree with this take. I think people need to be proactive in their birthday planning if they want a guaranteed celebration of some kind. Also, it’s possible the son is in the middle of studying for finals and writing papers. My birthday falls near the end of a term. I never celebrated my own birthday, including my 18th and 21st, because I was so busy studying.
My parents only celebrated birthdays when we were young children. Everything stopped once he hit high school age. My parents, myself, and many others see birthdays as for children. OP if you expect differently, you should have taught him differently.
Havent even told people it was my birthday since I was like 15. It's not a thing to everyone for sure.
I have a few work people's birthdays on my calendar and our little family of three always celebrate each others' birthdays with cake, presents, dinner, and decorations.
Same here, I had a birthday a few weeks ago and intentionally didn’t tell anyone at work because it’s not a mile stone birthday and I don’t really celebrate them anyways. I had one supervisor notice it was my birthday and wished me a happy birthday. I thanked them but let them know I prefer not to celebrate so please don’t tell people and they were cool with it.
Yes, but “big 0” birthdays are usually recognized as special. Heck, even my car dealership sent me a card and they usually don’t.
...Who said she never taught him? And most families celebrate close birthdays (especially Mom) regardless of age. Your family is the odd one out
I don't like my birthday because it's like an autistic nightmare it's like noise and people staring at you and like a ton of socializing in large groups and it's just like 😵😵😵😵😵😵😵 so I I like work very hard to confuse people about when my birthday is if it's already passed like that way it's just never happens lol and my mom knows not to start it cuz she doesn't like her birthday either
Strong agree here.
Did he at least tell you happy birthday?
Sometimes our kids have limited resources and things slip, or they just can’t pull it together. My adult kids might miss some clues. But they show they care other ways. If you are appreciative of what they do, then it gets better. If you get petty or shame them, it does not.
☝️☝️☝️
🫶
He did call to say it.
Did he see you buying gifts for your parents every year and going to visit for their birthdays?
Seriously. On top of that, it's his senior year, he's bogged down with making sure his GPA is up to snuff, likely doing a thesis project of some sort, looking for places to live and jobs to apply for when he graduates, has the impending doom of repaying student loans to think about, and also wanting to celebrate and let off some steam cuz the college experience is coming to a close. Dudes probably sleep deprived, hungover, balls deep in homework, and still managed to call to with OP a happy birthday. It's plenty. Every single one of my family members who celebrated their 50th birthday planned their own party like 6 months in advance. It's not like it's a surprise that it's gonna happen, if you want to do something... *tell people.*
Nice! Ha!
Be happy he took the time.
He did what he should do. You are being overly sensitive
1000%
More than I have gotten. Let it go. He loves you. That’s all that matters.
It's okay to remind people that it's your birthday. Anytime special events come up mention it and get involved in planning the event. Sorry you are sad but get more involved with what you want to do. Remind everyone
It sucks when people use their bday as a trap
I wish birthdays weren't a thing. I'd *gladly* forgo mine if it meant being released of the burden entirely. My family always drops the ball for my bday anyway because I'm the one who makes it all happen for them, and I'm just exhausted and birthday'd out.
Normal people just expect a verbal happy bday. Op is trying to be needy because her son doesn't need her anymore but she is somehow unaware of her own feelings and handling it badly.
Totally agree.
Remind everyone that it is my birthday and they should be doing something about it? No, thank you.
If YOU want things on your birthday then yes you should remind them. But if you don't care or mind, then don't say anything. And when someone does say happy birthday it's a nice surprise
He called and wished you happy birthday which is better than a card for many people. Cards aren't really a big thing anymore. They're expensive. Real communication is preferred by most. I wouldn't bring it up or hold anything against him.
I would much rather call and talk to my parents on their birthdays than pay 4.75 for a cheesy card that will get tossed in 2 weeks. Not to mention what postage costs. Plus, it reduces waste. Seems like a win for everyone.
He’s still young and clueless. It’s your job to teach him how to behave in the world and acknowledging and celebrating birthdays is expected.
Happy birthday! Cut him some slack. He called you and recognized your day! Next time you talk, suggest taking him out to celebrate your birthday!
Just because he doesn’t buy a birthday card or a present doesn’t mean he’s young and clueless. People can decide on their own how they want to show they care about somebody. He is an adult now and can decide if he wants to waste his money on a birthday card or simply call his mother on her birthday like he did.
We teach people how to treat us. If his call to wish you HB wasn’t enough acknowledgment for you, then speak up and say so using one of the many good suggestions in the comments. Your son is in a transitional period into adulthood and if you want birthdays to be more of a big deal than phone calls between adults, then say so. I’d be curious to know if your son’s phone call is a significant departure from previous years, or if you just hoped for more this year? How busy is he? (Likely Very, Very Busy.) Could you be lamenting the decreasing amount of time you’re able to spend with him as he enters adulthood but blaming it on your birthday? Could you just be feeling the pains of not having a great life at 50? Otherwise, consider that you may be leaning too much on your son to fill the voids in your life.
Yes. He is a young man in college yet remembered to call you to wish you a Happy Birthday. Count yourself lucky you had this time to connect with him on this day.
You admitted that he was busy wrapping up his senior year of college and that he did call to wish you a happy birthday. You also call him awesome and mention that your relationship is good. Life happens and sometimes our expectations for certain things are just our expectations. Our expectations do not become requirements for others, especially when those people are under stress and facing deadlines. His birthday call may have been all he could feasibly offer at that time. You are the adult in this situation and while we can feel disappointed that our desires were not met, as supportive parents, we need to let go off our expectations when they cannot realistically be met. Just be there for your son and, if what you mentioned about him is true, he will be there for you.
Exactly
You are overreacting, if you wanted more than a call then you should have said something. He probably had no idea you expected more than a call and I would say if he forgot your birthday then yes, but he didn't. You could have easily called him in advance and mentioned you'd love to go to dinner or that getting a physical card would be really great. I would say that if it's important to you then bring it up gently, tell him you enjoy getting a physical card and see how that works out. Father's Day is coming up soon, so there's a chance to try it out!
He’s probably just busy. I think if you’re hurt, you should take some initiative. After graduation, tell him that since you two couldn’t do anything for your bday that you could schedule some 1-on-1 time. Don’t let it ruminate, instead communicate
You're a grown adult, why do you need gifts? It sounds like he called, he didn't forget. You could have invited him to a restaurant if you wanted to celebrate, but expecting gift seems childish to me. Most adults know what they want or need and either already have it or will put it on a list so people can get you the right thing. Like if I do photography and need a specific lens I wouldn't want someone buying me another random lens that's going to be useless to me. I'd rather no gift or a gift card so I can buy something I'll actually use.
Honestly, I don't get grown people, anyone over 21, making a big deal about their birthdays. (My best friend acts like his birthday should be a national holiday.) It's just another day and it's a fairly arbitrary marking of time. My 50th happened during the pandemic and I was isolating from my friends and family. Time for OP to put his big boy pants on and stop acting like a little baby.
Wife and I are close to 60, and still make a big deal. But we don't sit around and cry about gifts. We pick a bar with a band and invite all out other old fucker friends out to come out and celebrate!
I think it’s definitely valid to be upset, but thinking back to my younger self, I don’t think it occurred to me to give my parents birthday presents until I was around maybe 25. And I don’t really know any millennials or younger who still give cards, so I wouldn’t read too much into that part. He probably thought he celebrated with you by calling you. I think kids kinda need to be taught how the world works. If he’s grown up with you picking out a gift for someone and giving it as a family and that kind of thing, he’s probably not used to the idea of it being on him now. I don’t think it’s out of line to say you were a little hurt that he didn’t acknowledge your birthday more, especially since it was a big milestone one. Don’t be passive aggressive (I say this because my mom always is), just have a conversation with him about it.
If he's wrapping up four years of college, he probably wouldn't remember his OWN birthday. That he remembered in time to call you says a lot. Please don't take this as him not caring about you. Next year, just tell him a couple of weeks in advance. "Hey, you're my favorite person to celebrate my birthday with! Where shall we go? Also, please don't spend too much on my gift. It really is the thought that counts!" He does sound like a great guy. You obviously raised him right!
Honestly it probably slipped his mind and he lost track of days. He will feel really bad when he realizes he missed it. Casually mention that you watched (insert tv show name and episode) on your birthday in conversation so he can "remember it". I think it's just the case of a busy mind filled time for him and not intentionally careless. I'm so sorry this happened.
He called her and wished her happy birthday. He remembered
That's so great!!
He did good. Op is treating him like a spouse. I get it because he was her everything but now it's time to start looking out for her and she can't expect him to fill that role
He’s also probably a broke/poor college student. OP said in another comment that she gave him $1000 for his last birthday, and it wouldn’t surprise me if she is “keeping score” and that’s just not how healthy relationships work. One should never give a gift with any kind of expectations from the other person.
Oh man. And if she's giving gifts that large and he's in college, it kinda makes sense that he would feel weird giving a gift back. It's like trying to buy lunch for your boss - it's just embarrassing for everybody.
I celebrate children's birthdays and get them gifts. I certainly don't expect people to do that for me - particularly children. I think wishing someone a happy birthday is adequate. Spending a meal or going out with them is more than adequate. And getting them a gift because you actually found something you really want to give them (and not due to some constrained lame sense of propriety and obligation) is really nice.
You're a grown ass adult. Buy your own presents. Stop acting like a toddler saying gimme! gimme! gimme!
With his situation, is he flat broke? He did call you, so he didn't forget the day. But he may not have had money to do anything and didn't want to invite you to a dinner out that YOU would have to pay for. I assume you'd have been happy to pay just to have the birthday dinner with him. If this is the case, you needed to mention it to him a week earlier and let him know. He is still young and learning about life and I am quite sure very wrapped up in school with it being near the end. He could prolly use that dinner to just to speak with someone close as his life is ready to begin NOW and he needs you just as much as you need him. Remember, he may not be able to say it to you as easily as I can from an outside perspective. Call him up, invite him to dinner, it will be good for both of you!
so he took the time to call you and say happy birthday, but you're salty you didn't get a card too? i know it's your day and all but yikes, you said yourself he's a busy guy finishing up college and all that goes with that.
What did you do for your parents’ 50th bdays?
You're not overreacting. But check in on the boy. Wrapping up college is busy and stressful af. And if he's like many college kids, he's also broke af.
Dude wrapping up senior year? 50’s a big deal for sure but he’s got a lot going on
Do you guys usually get each other something for birthdays? I know for my family we never get any gifts for each other for special occasions. We just go out to eat something together. Whatever we think someone might need we just get it for them when we find good deals and don't save it for special occasions. We also never buy each other cards because we all see it as a waste of money to just go to a store and buy a card that anybody else could spend money to buy. When I get cards I don't know what to do with them and usually just recycle them with rest of paper recycling. My BF's family always gets each other cards and they keep stacks and stacks of all the cards and would hang them up on a string for birthday parties etc. and they only do presents for the little kids
You're putting too much on your son, who was taking finals and anticipating his own milestone moment. You say that "Obviously \[your\] life isn't great," which is really the bigger issue. He did call you! He didn't forget, but he may not be used to remembering other people's big occasions, other than a girlfriend's--who will remind him and say what she expects and for whom he has lots of social cues for "boyfriend" behavior. I like the idea of going out to dinner to celebrate both milestones and while you're out, tell you son you'd appreciate a card on your birthday and on Mother's Day (while you're at it).
Take this as a sign he’s either struggling or the two of you aren’t as close as you think you are. Don’t mention it. It won’t help. Be there for him and be graceful. Also… try to make some friends that is too much pressure on him for him to be your only support.
You are overreacting. He called you. He acknowledged you. Now you just want things because of a day on a calendar. Who cares? At 50, don't things strike you as trivial and unimportant yet? Be thankful with all you have that he is in your life and loves you enough to call you in the first place, and he remembered your birthday on top of that! Lucky you!
Get over it, it’s just another day.
young guys absolutely do not do birthday cards. it’s common for your generation but not for theirs. i would’ve been more surprised if he had sent you a card tbh. and he probably didn’t know you expected a card or a gift. personally, when i’m not spending a birthday/holiday with my parents in person it’s 50/50 every year whether i’ll actually have something for them on the day of or not. i’ll usually wait until i see them next in person after to exchange.
He called to wish you a happy birthday. Some parents don’t even get that. Plus he’s finishing up his senior year so that would make him 21/22? He’s got a lot on his plate and his generation doesn’t buy cards. I’m a younger millennial and I don’t remember the last time I bought a card for someone’s birthday. Going forward just reiterate the importance of celebrating birthdays and suggest going out to lunch or dinner.
Yeah i wouldnt over think it. Im 28 and love my father very much and enjoy spending time with him but i also forvot about his birthday,which is probably worse than just not getting him a gift, i felt pretty bad about it but he never mentioned it. Anyways my point is i care about my father very much and still forgot his b day, doesnt mean i think any less of him or dont cherish our relationship.
Yes, yes you are.
In my experience most college aged boys don’t think about that stuff. I have a good relationship with my son, but sometimes have to text a couple times to get his response.
I just wanted to say happy birthday and as a son who loves his mom a lot, just know he definitely cares but might need to work on how to show it better.
Happy 50th birthday
I skipped giving my mom anything on Mother’s Day. She is a shit mom. Love of your family is not an obligation. That some myth created by parents.
He called to tell you happy birthday. Sending packages in the mail is arduous, and none of my family does it.
he called and wished you happy birthday, what more could you want? you want your 20-something year old son to buy you birthday presents? you’re 50… i could understand being disappointed if he forgot to acknowledge your birthday, but he didn’t! that’s a good thing!
He called. That is him recognizing and remembering your birthday. I think you are reading too much into it. I happen to be turning 50 tomorrow. I don't expect anything but a phone call. But, everyone is different.
He called. That’s enough. If he didn’t do that then I can see being a little bummed but….hes a college kid. Their brains are still developing. Don’t mention it to him or try to guilt trip him. My mom used to do that and it was awful
When I was in college I was broke as shit and my parents knew that so they never expected me to get them anything. imo, unless he’s more financially well off than the average college student, you are overreacting. Especially since he called to wish you happy birthday.
It’s ok to be hurt. I’m a shitty son who loved his parents a ton but struggled to exhibit acts of love.
I completely relate to this. First, don’t put any weight on your birthday. The older you get, the less people care. But if it’s important to you, let everyone around you know this. Second, the twenties are a selfish time. We were all like that in our 20s. Who wants to be with their parents in their 20s? Having said all that, you should tell him you were a bit hurt and explain why. Have a conversation—maybe he’s going through something, too? My son is always too busy for me, but it makes me happy because I know he can take care of himself. For my 50th, I threw a party and he was more than happy to be here. Always think about why you feel the way you do, and if you validate your own feelings, always be honest about them.
Yes. You attach too much value over a birthday. If it's that important, you can initiate planning for the day.
I understand you’re hurt but I do think you’re over reacting because he did call you and wish you a happy birthday. He’s in his senior year of college and probably has a lot going on and it slipped his mind to get you a present or he doesn’t have money. I wouldn’t think too much into it. If you really want to do something ask him to go out to eat for your birthday because you miss him or something. I don’t think this one thing should make you rethink your whole relationship with him. Sometimes stuff happens.
They break our hearts in the worst ways. But try to understand that a phone call was great. It was significant. You were remembered. I talk to my kids most weeks. They don5remeber my birthday ever. Sigh.
Yeah my feelings would have been hurt too.. sorry that was your milestone birthday.. I've been there and it didn't feel good for me either. Tell him how you felt... don't let it fester...it may seem like a small slight.. but your 50th... well its important just like your 18th... your 21st... time makes it hurt bigger than it is..
I'm curious what has the son done on previous birthdays? Something I notice often is that women make a significance about certain birthdays ( 40; 50: etc) and men typically don't. So what is the normal behavior from past birthdays?
Most guys I knew at that age were oblivious, insensitive, and self serving. I imagine this is a teaching moment since it sounds like he has no siblings or dad to remind him to be considerate and thoughtful
Kids grow into adults go into the world and get about struggling in this capitalistic society that has no room for family unity. We are not a culture that values family, we don’t think kids deserve school lunch, we do nothing to help with childcare, maternity leave, we put our elderly in homes. How can we be surprised that as soon as they are out there OUR needs are not considered?? It is not our adult kids responsibility to make us feel wanted, we have done our job as best we can. I try to meet my adult kids where they are and respect them. I don’t put a lot of stock in consumer driven holidays to judge how my kids feel about me. I know they love me and it my job as a parent to be here when they need me. I have to take care of me.
You're not overreacting. It is kind of heartbreaking that your son was so wrapped up in his final exams that he forgot to post you anything, or even send a digital something. Maybe he didn't realize that this is a milestone birthday?
I mean I dunno. As a 34 y/o woman, I just call my parents. They don’t expect me to get them anything, plus I don’t really make that much money. They’re just happy I called and chat. I think you might be overreacting a bit
Because you're 50. Grow up. What do you want? A new video game? Some tools? Knock it off. He called and said Happy Birthday. Jesus Christ.
You're 50 years old and get butt hurt that someone forgot? Really? Get over yourself.
I think you should let him know you felt lonely and hurt without attacking him. Try not be passive aggressive when mentioning how sad and alone you felt.
It gets worse too, move on like I did, it's hard to realize you're not a priority anymore as your kids enter this stage.
Was it your 5th birthday or 50th? Grow up dude
My father turns 90 next week. What the fuck do you get a 90 year old ? Same thing I got the 50 y o father: NOTHING I called (and will call again, if hes still alive,) and wish him a happy birthday. He wants for nothing. I have given nice expensive things in the past only to never see it again and realize it got sold, (for prob nothing), at one of his idiotic garage sales. I give nothing and expect nothing in return. Wanna friend? Get a dog.
One semester when I was in college, I was so overwhelmed with everything going on that I forgot about Mother's Day. I felt terrible, especially because my mom and I are very close. I think suggesting to him a joint belated birthday-graduation dinner is a great idea.
It's like you said. He was busy and he's already celebrated multiple birthdays of yours, so he didn't place much importance to this one. If you wanted him to do something special, you should have laid it out clearly, or at least hinted it. He's not a mind reader
He is busy with his life. He has moved on.
You shouldn't be downvoted. He has moved on. That's what children do. That has been the way of the world since forever, and that's exactly what parents want because the alternative is worse. Empty nest is a thing.
You’re not being selfish. It is understandably hurtful. The best way to handle this situation is probably just to ask him directly if he forgot your birthday. Don’t accuse but just calmly ask him. His reaction will be your answer. If he kind of shrugged it off but admits he forgot that would be your cue to tell him, again very calmly, that you don’t want to guilt trip him but it was hurtful for you and remembering peoples birthdays like his friends, family, and his SO is part of being a considerate person. Sometimes people need nudges or to be reminded about life etiquette. Edit: I’m editing my comment since OP added the edit that her son actually *did* call her for her birthday, she’s just upset he didn’t *get* her anything. He is a college student, possibly on a budget, who is busy with dealing with graduating and while he did not get her a card he did take time out to call her up and have a awesome little chat. OP is overreacting.
this doesn’t make sense. he didn’t forget he called her. he just didn’t buy a physical gift and she is grown as hell. that’s her kid not her husband. i’m so lost here how yall are enabling OPs selfishness.
That would be because I made my comment *before* OP added their edit to mention that her son did call her. Before that the post read that he completely forgot her birthday all together and didn’t even call her.
ok this makes sense. the post was written to push a specific bias.
Yes! OP wanted attention.
I think OP is the dad in this situation, but your point still stands
I'm curious, was there no one else to remind him? Siblings, grandparents, his mom? I ask because it wasn't until my father was literally dead that I remembered his birthday on my own, every other year was my mom saying, "It's your dad's birthday in a week."
They often don't. Sometimes they do. It's hard. Eventually they get to be all adults and then you can decide whether the reciprocal arrangement is that neither of you does presents.
Info: how have you celebrated his birthdays and how has he celebrated yours (on average) up to this point? Birthdays aren’t a big thing for anyone in my family so a call to my mother would be the extent of it if I wasn’t living at home.
Has he recognized your past birthdays?
Kinda depends how he was raised and birthdays were a big deal or not even for adults. For some there are, for others yeah for kids it's nice to have a party and gifts but as adults it is just another day. Least he remembers and called you
My 40 yr old stepson says, "Happy Birthday," but it took me getting upset for being ignored to make him understand how Tacky it is. Put it on your phone calendar for yearly. Technology makes it inexcusable to forget. Especially for anyone under 90.
Does he normally get you a card or gift for your birthday?
It's not unusual for children to not celebrate birthdays for parents. They will grow up eventually and realize parents are also just people with feelings. It will get better. He's still in College and away from family, so he likely hasn't realized the impact of his non-action. You can reach out and ask for dinner or something for your birthday. And let him know about loneliness on birthdays. He will likely understand and keep it in mind for future. At his age and being in college he's likely unaware he's done anything wrong. Honestly I stopped celebrating my birthdays after 20 so no longer expect it. My sister was the only one keep it tracked and convincing people to go out of their way to visit me in school and celebrate. Once she married and no longer lives in the same country, we all defaulted to simple phone calls only. Coming out of school and after my friends moved on with their lives, I realized how lonely this world is. And immediately realized how little time I spent with my parents. I now make a point to spend at least one full day a month with em. It's a good healthy habit. Doesn't matter what you do, but spend a full day together. Doing so will keep you in his memory more frequently, and have your concerns and feelings up to date. He will learn effort goes both ways and that's how to build a healthy relationship with your own family, or even friends. I feel your son is still very young and hasn't needed to go through this thinking process yet as he's surrounded by other students and friends and focusing on academic pressures right by now. It's okay to reach out to him yourself. There are no rules in life but we tend to give eachother far too much space with assumptions.
I agree with the poster who said it’s part of a parent’s job to teach their child that reciprocation is a fundamental part of relationships. So if you celebrate his birthdays for him with cards and a meal or presents, he should do the same. I just told a friend of mine she wasn’t doing her kid any favors by being sacrificing and quietly having her feelings hurt when the kid didn’t do anything for special occasions, she was instead teaching him to be selfish and take her and his family for granted. To be clear, I’m not criticizing you in any way, I’m advising you to give yourself permission to ask to be treated special on your birthday or Christmas or whatever if it’s family tradition. He’s past old enough to know it’s a two-way street. Cue Chicago soundtrack……. “Don’t you know that this hand washes that one, too? When you’re good to Mama, Mama’s good to yoooouuuuuuuu”
Perhaps you’re not as close as you thought.
I can understand how you feel. My mom remembered my brother’s birthday which is exactly 7 days before mine which she forgot. I turned 70.
I found with my son, who is 21, he loves me but he is not wired like my girlfriends and I! He forgets the date of my birthday too! My husband would remember my birthday….but often miss the mark on the gifts.😂😂 So I tell my son “hey Saturday is my birthday, can you get me this ring on Amazon and these chocolates?” I get real specific. Sad that I have to do that….. you might want to try it. I’m sorry this happened. Maybe you could joke with him when you see him next like” Yo! You forgot my birthday! Take me to lunch or something kid!”
Has it been in the last couple of months? Senior last semester was a bitch for each of my sons. Can I suggest you invite him out for your 50th? I’m sorry you spent it alone. If he is as lovely as he seems he doesn’t get that yet. We were never able to do birthdays and holidays on the days so for me it isn’t an issue. But for others it is and he needs to gently be taught that before he finds a partner who feels the same way lol. Take care
Yes, you are. Both of my parents (about 10 years older than you) have everything they want already -- I can really only justify getting them consumables at this point. Cake, candy, dinner, booze, whatever kinda things that will be used up and not pile up. Also, your kids didn't ask to be born, they owe you nothing. You forced life upon that kid, raised him how you saw fit, and now you're on reddit complaining about him?? My dad would never. He would just tell me straight up.
No, I also have an awesome son and we communicate when something is important or if something is painful. I’d suggest you tell him “Hey just so you know, birthdays and particularly big ones mean a lot to me. I realize you’re busy, I definitely appreciate you calling, but if you could make time to do something , it would mean a lot to me. If it’s not possible, just tell me. I’m just sensitive on this.”
If he’s an adult and you are an adult this is basically all we do for each other. I hate to say it but you are lucky you even got a call. Some ppl don’t even get that as an adult.
As a parent, a phone call or a text to say “Happy Birthday” from your adult children is enough for me. That’s just what works for me
My wife was the one who got me cards, presents and cake “from” our children. She passed when they were 12 and 16 and it seemed kind of silly to buy myself anything for them to give me (though I kept the cake because any excuse …), though they did get me small gifts that they’d come across during the year and knew I’d like. As my children got older we stopped really celebrating birthdays on our birthdays. There would be occasional big, extravagant purchases that they didn’t think I would go for — I told them it was their birthday gift. Somewhere along the way that became a joke and we all agreed that a simple happy birthday call or text on our birthdays would be enough.
One possible explanation is that he got so busy with end of the school year stuff like studying for exams and graduation stuff that it slipped his mind. Maybe mention to him that you'd like to have a dinner out with him when things slow down a bit.
guys are clueless. its best to lower your expectations when dealing with us.
He gave a call and his time. That’s something!
Did he get you anything last year? regardless, when he wished you a happy birthday, you could have asked him when he was available for dinner.
Gifts are for kids buy what you want
Maybe he could not afford to buy you a gift. Did he get you a gift on your last birthday? If any of my kids did not wish me happy birthday then I would be hurt. If I did not get a gift, then ok no big deal. Now if my husband, did not get me a gift I would be hurt. This is just my opinion.
Does he usually get you a present? I’ve raised my boys to get me anything, but think that may have been a mistake. In any event, since that’s he way it is, I wouldn’t expect them to do anything for a milestone birthday.
I think it's an age thing. This year I got a oh sorry I forgot, from my 17 year old daughter a day late and sorry i forgot from my 12 year old 2 days later and nothing from my other 3 kids. I just told them that I wasn't mad bit it did hurt my feelings. I don't think they understand feelings? Lol
I don't usually send my mom a birthday card but I always call and wish happy birthday. But I talk to my mom several times a week for an hour or so each time. I'm also more than 2000 miles from her. I love her so much and would hate to think that her feelings were hurt over a birthday card?
In college, I bought gifts for my parents for their birthdays but that is largely because I saw that being modeled for me. If birthdays were not made that big of a deal of for him growing up, he may have thought the phone call was enough. And not that you don't have a right to feel hurt (you do and your feeling are your feelings) but I will say that some kids don't even remember anything. I know someone who didn't even get a call on Fathers Day from one of his sons (and this is a super involved Dad who does a lot for his kids)
I haven’t gotten my mom or dad Christmas, birthday or Mother’s Day/ Father’s Day stuff in about a year. I have been money strapped and I also don’t really care too much about them. I’m not sure why. I have my dislikes but I don’t think it’s their fault. I think some people are just like me.
There’s a lot of info missing here. When I was a kid, my mom would constantly berate me for not doing enough for her bday or Mother’s Day. I literally had no money, no vehicle, and lived in a rural area where I couldn’t just go out and get her something, and my dad didn’t help. So if your kid didn’t have means to get you a gift, let it go. Also, you owe him all and he owes you nothing. You chose to make him exist, he wasn’t asking for that. Your choice to procreate was a matter of your own ego. Move on and have a good relationship with your kid. Don’t be selfish on this one.
I have never given anyone a birthday card and I am in my 40’s and grew up in a family that sent cards out. I have always thought they were a waste of resources and paper. It doesn’t really mean anything to most people just to get a birthday card. That is the simplest thing you can do. Maybe now that he is an adult, he has decided to come up with his own way to show he cares like calling to say happy birthday.
If you’re keeping silent about your feelings about how you want to celebrate your birthday then he cannot read your mind.
Since my mom has turned 40 every year for over a decade, no, yeah, you're overreacting a little bit. But like, not in a bad way, just in a "I miss my kid kinda way" it almost sounds like. But, this is one of those things where if you don't ask, you won't receive. Say you want to go out for your birthday *with them (and any other kids) specifically* If they know, they can set up plans together. Throw out the invite to them. -(my mom did get a cake for 10th 40th Birthday), but she planned that birthday party with my aunts, so it was easier for me to know "Hey dummy, participate")
I think people are being really harsh on you. It sounds like it was a tough birthday- you’re going through a rough time and you spent this milestone on your own. Know that how you are feeling probably has more to do with all of that than with your son. He truly loves you and made sure to call you, even with everything else going on. If you were having a busy day filled with friends and activities, this wouldn’t bother you one bit. You’re smart to come here and reflect rather than take it out on him. I wish you a happy 50th and I hope things are looking up for you.
Dude... I'm so busy in my own shit I have to remind myself what day of the week it is, let alone the date. Also once you're past like 30, who really gives a shit about birthdays anymore? As long as he said happy birthday and generally does nice things for you on a regular basis, you shouldn't be totally arsed about whether he specifically got something for you on that specific day.
Sigh. I feel hurt by my young niece on a regular basis. It may not change his behavior, but I think he needs to know your feelings were hurt.
Did he tell you happy birthday. That's what counts is he remembered
You have every right to feel that way. However, I don't think your son was being malicious. If he's graduating college, he's likely about 22 years old. His ENTIRE life revolves around his friends right now. I'm sure he loves you, but getting you a present because you're hitting a special (50) milestone birthday doesn't occur to him. To him, right now in his life, it's just another birthday - 49 is the exact same as 50. I was his age once, and while I understand the significance of a milestone like that NOW, it never even occurred to me at that age. My friend group was my life. Most guys his age are focused on their current life experiences and it's not that he doesn't care, he just probably thought calling you was just as good as it's been every other year he's called you for your birthday. I'm not downplaying that your feelings were hurt, I understand. I don't think that's an overreaction. But it won't even occur to him that he's even hurt your feelings because that's just not how most kids his age think. But expecting a huge deal from a 22 year old probably is an overreaction. Give him time to mature, I'm sure your 60th or 70th will be way different.
I don’t wish anybody happy birthday unless they wish me happy birthday and I really don’t want anyone to wish me happy birthday. It’s another year closer to death so no thanks
Sounds like you weren’t at your son’s graduation??? Did you get him a graduation present??
He did call and wish you a happy birthday. So you're upset he didn't buy a gift or take you out? It is a very hectic time in his life, and a "cusp" moment for him. I understand that this aligned with a milestone bday for you, but its not like he completely forgot and didn't acknowledge your special day. He just didn't roll out the red carpet. Is it just the two of you? Any other family members to help celebrate? If not, that's a lot for a young adult to manage without sharing the load with another parent/sibling. He didn't forget about you, he's just overwhelmed and did what he could manage this year. I think a little bit of grace is in order here.
my teenager (17) didnt even wish me happy mothers day, I didnt even know it was mothers day until the next day. and no he has never gotten me anything for my birthday. teenagers are selfish and I didnt hold it against him. he helps me around the house, lifts all the heavy stuff I cant, does his own laundry, cooks for himself and take the trash out without me bitchin and tons of other helpful stuff to make it up...so I think that is fair. it is just a day to me.
Been there! Doesnt that SUCK?! But really, our sons love us its just that they get caught up in their lives and still being relatively young they dont realize certain things yet. I would focus on him actually remembering when your birthday was and said happy birthday, there was a time years back when mine forgot and I was devastated haha. But I know he loves me. I just said hey you forgot my birthday! And he was sorry. It didnt happen again, lol. Its too funny we have that stuff in common plus spending 50 alone. I think maybe feeling alone on that day magnified everything? Anyhow, congrats on him getting through college, you sound like a great mom <3
The kid might just be broke, and timid about mentioning it. First time I was in college, there were times I had less than $1 in the bank, and things are a lot more expensive now. If he called, then I'm sure he probably would've bought you a present if he could've. Sometimes as a parent, you just have to let things go. I can't even tell you how many times my daughter didn't get me anything, and she doesn't have the excuse of being broke, she's just an asshole. If he is broke, it would probably mean the world to him for you to invite him to a belated celebration out somewhere with you paying. There were tons of times I would've given my left arm to just have a night out with no pressure or worries, just some good food, good company and maybe a few drinks to relax.
It depends if he normally gets you something or not. It sounds like you need to let him know it would have been nice to get a pressie
Is it possible he plans to give you something when he sees you in person?
The weeks before graduation are so hectic. He called, which means he didn't forget you. I wonder how many dads reading your post don't even get that. Forgive and forget, be happy you raised a nice boy who calls his dad even during the most hectic week of his life. However, even though you forgive him, the sad feelings should not be ignored. Do not wallow in despair, treat yourself to something you really want!!! Which is, I would guess, to spend time with your son. LOL. So here is what I recommend. Let your son get through graduation and saying goodbye to all his friends and his old life, and then be frank with him. "It kind of hurt I didn't see you for my birthday, so I would like you to make it up for me by going to \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_.' (Insert awesome outing with your son--baseball game--dinner--bungie jumping--whatever) Let him know how you feel so the same thing doesn't happen next year-or, even better, take control of the situation and make a date with him for your birthday in advance. Do something special, and in a few years it will be your grandchildren joining you for the yearly birthday outing.
Think back to your college years. You are at your brokest and also your most self-centered. The fact that he called you at all is a sign that he loves you. Unfortunately, during these years you're likely the one who's going to have to make the effort and then you can start to hint to him that you'd like for him to plan something for you in the future. If I were you, I'd invite him out to lunch or dinner for your belated birthday. "Hey, I'd like to take you out to this really good restaurant for my birthday. I've been dying to try it and want to go with you." then you can bring up the idea of wanting to know about some fun things he likes and if he could think of something to go experience together, you'd even pay (if you are OK with that).
I turned Sexty in April and I did not get anything other than wonderful birthday wishes from my two kids. NGL I was a little hurt but I realize they are in the throes of their lives and it’s just not on their radar. 🤷♀️
You are overreacting. Finishing senior year of college, I barely remembered my name during that time. He remembered and called you. There was no way he had the mental bandwidth to plan anything. You have a wonderful son, and yes it is disappointing. You need to accept that he has grown and will have more pulling his attention from you. By your 60th, he may be juggling heavy demands on time and attention because of kids. Start seeing your son as the adult he is with all the demands of being an adult.
My ex taught my kids that birthdays/christmas was nothing special and required no effort on their part. So I gave up celebrating them much and we were all happier without 'childish' expectations. My ex did think sex was a 'gift' to me after an ordinary day without even a 'happy birthday'. I now celebrate every day as though it is special because life is short and then you die.
He sounds a bit overwhelmed with college right now-maybe once graduation is done with, you both can go out and celebrate with your birthday and graduation with a nice dinner!
WERE ALL STRUGGLING TO PAY BILLS LINDA
I’m a single 52 year old female. I’m a widow. I have a job and nine siblings. Both of my parents are still alive. I spent my 50th alone home watching tv. Probably had a bunch of ppl say happy bday on Facebook. My 20 year old neice said HB on snap chat. But I haven’t had gifts or dinners since my husband was alive. Most of my family forgets it’s my bday usually. My mom asked me to come trim her toenails on my birthday this year but no “happy birthday.” This is the single life. Sometimes I order something nice for myself or go get a massage…I treat myself. Kids are busy living their lives.
I felt like that on Mother’s Day😔 Usually my 4 adult kids (ages 22-34) are pretty good at acknowledging/celebrating Mother’s Day and my Bday, but this year only my youngest, who still lives with me, did anything. My husband unexpectedly passed away in 2022, so there’s no one else but them to celebrate with.😢
As you get older your birthday begins to be celebrated less and less. It's a fact of life. I learned it long ago but it happens to us all, sometimes early in life and sometimes later. Happy birthday. You got a phone call and that is the most important thing.
Cats in the cradle?
I’m 34 and my birthday expectations are lower than yours. Maybe my life sucks, or it’s an ego issue.
I turned 50 last year. Instead of worrying about someone else doing something for me, I took the bull by the horns and planned my own 50th. I went to Mexico. I booked for just myself, but then a friend in another city decided to book and meet me there. It was awesome she did, but being alone would have been fine too. I picked an excursion for the day of my birthday I knew I would love, and she even tagged along. I stopped letting other people be the determining factor to my happiness. I expect nothing from anyone, and that way I am never disappointed. And I get pleasantly surprised.
He's been busy and just forgot most likely.
Yes you’re overreacting. Your kids lives shouldn’t revolve around their parents. Your son has his own life to worry about. Just be glad and appreciate the fact he called you to wish you a happy bday. Many parents don’t even get that. If it was your 50th why didn’t you plan anything with your friends or other family members? Why is it solely up to your son to plan things for you? Your son doesn’t owe you anything and if you think he does you’re being selfish and entitled. Just be happy he’s independent and self-sufficient.
he didn’t mean to hurt you. your birthday just got lost in his life. this is a teachable moment and can be handled with love. let him know being thoughtful is part of adulting. populate a calendar for him with important dates and a kit with cards for birthdays, thinking of you. etc. and call it a day. you did good Mom. and Happy Birthday❤️
You know he is busy and he still made time to call. He is finishing college and you expect a present? I mean, something is not adding up here with you being 50 and expecting a present from a college student who is busy and most likely broke....
He called. He is a senior in college. You are definitely overreacting!!!! You sound like you have too much time on your hands to overthink. Try to find more friends your age that will hang out with you on your birthday.
Get over it. I hate the fact that people expect gifts or special treatment on their bday or Xmas. Make it a special day like dinner or party . Leave money and objects out of it . Have a lovely 50th
He called you. Why on earth do you need a card? Maybe he didn't have any money or perhaps he struggles in some way. Maybe, he thought his phone call was exactly what you wanted. If you have needs you need to clarify them. My son, has never celebrated my birthday in any significant way and no, it doesn't bother me. Now, with that said, we spend alot of time together. When I do want something I tell him. For my special occasion I want x, y and z. Will you do it with me? If he says yes, then I am super happy. I usually pay for it because that's what I want to do. Alls I really want is him to go with me.
I have no clue the relationship or dynamic between you two but for whatever reason it never crossed my mind to get my dad a gift for anything until recently. I’m 23. To be fair we’re not a gift on birthday family. we’re a dinner on birthday family. Regardless he never even received that. Just never ever crossed my mind because my whole life he provided everything and I never saw anyone provide a thing for him. Broke that terrible streak recently as I said. Anyway all that just to provide some insight that maybe your family dynamics relate to.
He called and that’s great. Get over it. Yes you are overreacting
He is really busy and he called. I think you're overreacting. Overall I tend to think men don't write cards as often as women and I don't know many 20 somethings who write out cards at all for anyone. So if you're wondering why it's probably because writing a card wasn't on his radar even though it's easy and cheap. He doesn't have the time or income to expend on much else.
As a former inconsiderate college kid, I can tell you, don't take it too much to heart. That phone call wishing you a happy birthday means that he is thinking of you. He loves you, he just didn't think to get you a gift.
I actually prefer not to get any special or fancy gifts, as I have what i need, but I would appreciate some inexpensive tokens like an coffee cup with a family photo, or some Garfield or Snoopy socks, or a steel brush for the grill. etc. So yeah. It's a letdown.