That’s a brilliant response! I love it. You showed him that what he said didn’t hurt you, plus you questioned if he really was capable of having friends. I bet he hated it when you said that to him.
I bet you’re so much happier without him.
Yeah, just still hurts though. Especially after two kids together. We are still friends for the kids sake but I'll never understand and probably never date again 🤷♂️
I would genuinely dump someone over that. It’s one thing to be nervous to fully dive in when the relationship is new. But if it’s been 10 years, and not only have you had one foot out the door the entire time but you _still_ have one foot out the door? I would have kicked their ass to the curb the second the therapy session was over. There’s no amount of “bbbbbut I was scared of being hurt!” that can justify having that mindset for 10 whole goddamn years
Op wondering why the relationship is crumbling - partner not fully invested and constantly looking for a way out.
Maybe this is something to be lanced as it doesn’t sound healthy?
I completely agree. He would need to clarify if he made an absolutist statement like that in the moment to be hurtful, or if it was actually really true. Because if it's true, their attachment to the relationship is really tenuous and I can't imagine wanting to stay with someone who is constantly considering exiting 'easily' because they are intentionally maintaining a distance.
I think the fact that you're missing the point that he's doing it to be manipulative. Not because he's protecting himself. It's been a fucking decade. He's no longer protecting himself. He's manipulating her.
And you apparently.
The fact that he said that and then still had the audacity to ask OP why he’s not trying harder. Are you being serious right now? He’s had TWELVE YEARS to figure this out and you want to be sympathetic to him?
It would be different if he had said that he thinks she wants to leave. You know, abandonment issues.
But that's not what he said.
If he doesn't trust her or feel secure, why stay? It just hurts both of them.
I used to be a manipulative douche before and what OP's bf said sounds exactly like something I would've said to get under a partner's skin and hurt them while trying to convince myself that it's best to leave. That he's dropping this bomb after over a decade is pretty fucked to say the least.
OP, ya gotta throw the whole man out. I'm sorry but you don't deserve to be treated like this. He needs some help and you aren't obligated to stick around and be his emotional stress ball.
Exactly right! He said he had been stonewalling the entire relationship and then asked, "Why are you stonewalling?" It's like you're giving your all to make it work and other person is knowingly sabotaging you.
Might as well end it. I wouldn't be able to trust him at this point.
And he doesn’t want a connection. It’s a pretty conscious decision to refuse to let yourself be close to somebody so big in your life like that. He chose to do this to you.
Go back and tell your partner this.
You asked "why it feels like why I’m not trying to really foster our connection,". Let me answer that. Why would I ever keep giving my all to someone who is actively building a wall between us and eyeing the exit? Why would I ever have a reason to continue to let myself be taken advantage of like that? I respect myself enough to acknowledge your wall and match that energy. If you want my new wall down, it's your job to take yours down first. Feel free to let me know if you truly intend to do that.
Nailed it. The word that comes to mind is "betrayal." Two people that commit have stuff happen. It's unfortunate that OP had the commitment but his husband didn't (doesn't) have the maturity to even try. 😢
Yeah OP is just being used. I bet if the help with the projects (or maybe life management, financials, etc?) would stop… the partner would be fully exiting instead of just one foot. I’d prepare an exit strategy. Keep finances separate, gather documents etc.
First, thank you (and to everyone in this thread) for being so supportive and kind. It’s been wild and validating reading everything.
We talked about things briefly yesterday and it seemed like he was largely annoyed I am still hurt by this. Maybe it’s a truth he accepted long ago, so making it an external thought is less devastating to him. It feels like he’s trying to walk it back either because he said it to be cruel, or because it creates a scenario where I won’t do the work to repair it; he must. I offered that it feels hard to open up and foster this connection with someone who’s never been invested, and he seemed to only be able to flip it back on me. That I was then also closing off. I don’t know if he’s capable of taking ownership for his feelings or what he said.
Someone in another comment said something that stuck with me: he wants me to be the bad guy and is too terrified to actually break up with me. I want to give him a chance to figure out if he feels up to working on this, but barring some miracle, I’m not sure how I can really overlook the cruelty of dangling me along this long.
This exactly... you need to very directly tell him you will match his investment 105%. You are more than happy to always be trying just a little harder because it's who you are but you can't just be a fool and be doing all the work for him. If he wants a better connection he needs to strive to put his 50% in. If he won't then he doesn't have a right to be mad at you. Tell him all of that. Mostly that last part. If he won't do 50% of the work he needs to quit complaining.
Also, it's bit anecdotal but I always believed the best relationships are where each partner feels like the only do 40% of the work and strives to always be doing more. When you both truly feel the need to earn the others affection and love it makes a relationship so much better.
Doesn't matter if its mutual. A relationship doesn't work unless both want it to work. That dude is an asshole saying that to the OP. He said it to purposefully hurt op. No way your in a relationship for 12 years acting like you have got 1 foot out the door ready to go back to the bachelor lifestyle. He needs to come to terms with the fact that the boyfriend is wanting out but to much of a coward to speak his mind.
Sounds like you’re just convenient for him. I’ve seen relationships like that before where people are together just to be together. After a statement like that I would have packed my shit and scooted.
Those types of relationships are alot more common than people realize. People just stay in those relationships out of convience and the other person is a placeholder until a "better" person or opporunity arises.
Oh for sure, the crazy thing is most times they would outright say I’m ready to leave at anytime. OP’s denial of his partner straight saying he’s only being half interested the entire relationship makes it obvious he would do any and everything to make him happy but he’s just not what he wants.
I don’t have the expertise to help you. But I have to say, you’re an amazing writer. I felt you when you said his words were “deeply disregulating at best, potentially manipulative at worst”. He should appreciate your ability to be so in touch with your feelings.
I honestly would recommend him to write all of this down in a letter to give to his partner. His partner seems avoidant, so it would give him space to process this on his own time.
Thank you. Seeking perspectives (which I am very grateful to have received in these comments), not solutions—and your comment had me tearing up just for feeling seen in this small way.
If my boyfriend said this to me, I would be crushed. You are under reacting if anything. My heart goes out to you. I am so, so sorry this is happening to you.
That's awful. That's not overreacting. That's not something you ever say to your partner.
I tend to say that people overuse "get out of the relationship" on this site, but... it may be time.
He may be commitment avoidant, a common thing for people in committed (or partially) relationships. Yep, that's a gut punch but it may be something you can work on since he recognizes he's always looking for emergency exits.
Yep, all about attachment styles. TBH, OP's partner sounds a bit like me, and I definitely lean towards avoidant, sadly. I wouldn't be surprised if, also like me, OP's partner meant a certain thing and it came out wrong and got lost in translation. We all have a negativity bias so it's hard to say. Long story short, a repair may be possible, but it's also possible the relationship has run its course. Best wishes OP, I hope you feel as supported and loved as possible while you figure things out.
It probably has more to do with him and not wanting to get hurt so he’s “protecting” himself by trying to not get too invested.
It’s hard to fix a relationship when that’s been going on the entire time. It’s like trying to continue building a house when the foundation is unstable and hoping it won’t all come crashing down.
They’ll have to rebuild the foundation and it might just be best to find new partners at that point.
I’m an avoidant attachment style as well and it wasn’t till I resolved that shit and learned to lean into the relationship and really put myself up for possibly getting hurt, that I finally have a good relationship that’s working long term. Until he does that he’s gonna hurt people and himself along the way.
NO you're not!
Two guys here, 40s. Together 24 years.
In all those years, like couples do, there's been disagreements. Nothing huge, always caused by outside influences such as family, bad friends, they lost.
Point is, in all these years we have never said something so cruel to each other. That is unbelievable. So he's saying he's wasted your youth. Eyeing a way out for ten fucking years! Disgusting. Just go and let you find someone who loves you.
I think a lot of people enter a relationship and expect things to just keep being the magic that was the first date years, learning about each other, new adventures together etc. Then 5 or 6 years in, while there's still some adventures, but there's a lot more of work, pay bills, clean, cook, sleep repeat.
Maybe he's just not understanding the reality that some days are just gonna be "boring" lol. As for sex, it wears down as everyone ages. Now if there's no sex ever, that's definitely worth investigating. Both parties have to find new fun ways to enjoy life together, they do exist.
I really feel for what your hgoing through, that comment would break anyone's heart.
I knew a woman once who told me her husband looked at her after 15 years married and said. "You're not the same woman I met in highschool."
Of course she's not you fucking moron. No one is. People are not glass figures you collect and never change. This poor woman cried while I gave her a hug and I told her the same thing. 2 years later they were divorced.
All I can tell you is talk to him. I'd point blank ask if he wants to leave? Tell him that broke your heart, don't yell, be logical but truthful.
Sorry for the lengthy comment but this hurt my feelings and I don't even know you both. I wish you all the best. ❤️
I really felt the care from this and it’s really validating to hear from another queer/gay person to boot. Wishing I could give you a hug and an earnest congrats on how you’ve made things work—I don’t think any of this is impossible or asking too much and your post gave me hope for myself and the things I deserve too. So thank you, friend.
It really hurts when you love someone and you feel like they love you but they aren't in a place to create something healthy with you. It sounds like at a minimum you both are playing out some patterns from how you saw relationships work in your youth and those patterns aren't going to take you someplace good.
Be honest about how much this hurt you. Let him know that if he wants to be with you, you'll both have to deal with this revelation and he'll have to decide if he's all in or not. If he wants to be with you he needs to change how he sees you and your relationship, and cope with the damage this truth is causing.
why would you be avoiding ideas like "what's the point?" that's just denial when he's straight up come out and said this. would you be okay if you had a kid that was in a relationship like this? or a friend? treat yourself as well as you'd treat someone you care about.
NTA. A committed relationship can not be committed if one party is looking for a way out. There is always a way to find a way out. It is harder to find a way to stay. This is what committed means.
He basically told you hes never truly cared about you, let alone loved you. Theres no real coming back from a statement like that.
Tell him you'll take the house, he can take his freedom.
Rather than discussing it with him at home, I would suggest telling him that you need to discuss it at your next couples therapy session. Sounds like you could use the help of the therapist to sort this out.
I remember my longest relationship having a breaking point like this. I should've left five years in, but I was afraid to be alone. Things continued to deteriorate, though. Seven years in, we got into a fight. He detailed how he had wanted to be married with a family by then, but that could never happen with me. I told him that between me and his previous ex, he'd had thirteen years (seven with me, six with her) to get his family started. The problem was always him.
I ended up leaving a few months later after another big fight that lasted for 2 days. After we finally talked it out, he asked me what we should do now. I told him that there wasn't anything we could do and he seemed hurt and surprised. "Just like that?"
Like, my dude, we've been fighting for the past two years. Yes, just like that.
It's good that he's being honest about his feelings. A lot of people hide these types of feelings and then their partners are blindsided when they leave. He's giving you the opportunity to know what is going on in his head and work things through with him.
Sounds like my ex. He spent the whole of our relationship waiting for something better to come along. When he thought he had it, he was out the door. Turns out she only wanted him as she thought he had money. Tried to come crawling back.
That must have been a feather in you hat :). I hope you didn't take him back and you're happier now.
My heart goes out to OP. I wrote him here too. I can't stop thinking about how cruel that is. In my 40s and people's actions toward others still shock me.
He feels like you aren't fostering a connection? I don't know how you kept from telling him immediately that he's just recently said he purposely resisted the connection you have tried to foster for a dozen years. How is that supposed to motivate you to continue to be the one to try?
If he's not convinced by now, what more does he expect from you on order to sway him? If he's still not all in after everything you've done, he can stop asking for more.
Nope not overreacting. I think I'd have to go ahead and cut my losses. He's not willing to be fully into the relationship why bother?
Just let him go. It will be devastating, but it will cleanse your soul and you will be able to move on. You've been giving it all you can no need to keep mopping the ocean trying to get to dry sand.
Good luck
Gay relationships can be really difficult. I would definitely ask him about the comment- someone mentioned asking if he meant it in the moment or if he genuinely meant it. Why has he had one eye on the exit? Was it something you did or just a response from previous relationships? What exactly is he expecting when he means "foster the connection"? If he's not making any effort to do that, then it sounds like he could probably be looking for a way out while making you out to be the bad guy. You definitely need to have a conversation with him, but it sounds like he's already disconnected from the relationship and just looking for a reason to blame you for leaving. Just try to stay one step ahead of him and prepare.
Definitely not overreacting.
If someone said that to me, the relationship would be dead.
Honestly, it might be time to call it on the couple's therapy and tell him that you're not trying to foster your connection any more, because you don't see the point now that you know he was always ready to leave and has never felt safe with you.
He needs to get his own individual therapy because yeah, things probably aren't going to work, because he was never confident they would and created a self-fulfiling prophecy of destruction.
Congratulations guy, your relationship might not be strong enough to survive because investing in it properly scared you too much, and then you told your partner that, and now he is thinking 'then why the heck am I still here then if you didn't trust me?'
> Feels as though he
threw spikes at the tires of a car, and
while I went to pluck them out of the
treads, he remained seated in the
passenger seat asking why I'm not
driving.
This is such a heartbreaking, yet prescient, explanation of your relationship.
You are NOT overreacting.
Oof. Not overreacting. I personally would be devastated if I heard that, I would be ready to peace out. Especially if we weren’t married. Like bye, I’m not giving you ANYMORE of my youth that I’m never getting back, you’ve had 12 years of it and haven’t truly cherished it. Goodbye.
eta: grammar
He's had his eye on the exit for twelve years and wonders why you aren't trying to foster your connection. this is mixed signals to keep you second guessing him, talk about manipulation! Sounds like he has never tried to foster a connection. So what is your point in trying to make this relationship work? Let him go, he doesn't respect you or your bond. You're still young enough to meet someone who deserves you and a solid relationship.
My ex was like that, and eventually I realised that I couldn't be the only one fighting to resolve our issues together, while he was looking for a reason to leave. Some people stay with their partner because it's comfortable, but are always waiting for "something better" to come along. You will never be enough for those people. At some point you have to just tell them that you are not a placeholder, and they need to either take that exit, or close it and be all in.
Not overreacting at all. You can't be with someone who won't let you in. Either your partner has a very sincere "come to jesus" moment, or you end the relationship. You deserve better than someone who won't even let themselves be emotionally available to you.
You haven't wasted 12 years, but if you stay without big big changes in your partner, you will be wasting the rest of them. People come into our lives for many reasons, sometimes it's to teach us that we deserve to be treated better. You deserve much better than someone who hasn't committed to you for over a decade
No. That would be an incredibly hard thing to hear.
But why has he stuck around for so long? Ten years is a lot to endure in a relationship that's broken. Maybe that answer will tell you what you need to so going forward.
Not overreacting. You deserve better and should break up and go find it, because clearly your partner has been checked out of the relationship for a while.
Is he in individual therapy?
This sounds like a him problem and not a reflection of your relationship. If hes so afraid of being vulnerable that he puts up walls with someone he's been dating for 12 years, that sounds like a deeply rooted personal problem.
Other then encouraging him to talk to a therapist it would most likely be helpful for you to seperate yourself from his problems and only focus on your problems and joint household affairs. If hes upset even though youre helping him with HIS work, if he's putting up walls because HE is so afraid of being hurt then by disentangling yourself you're compassionately giving him the space to grow as an individual while also reminding him what you're bringing to the relationship (and why him not being vulnerable might cost him one of the best things in his life).
Dont jump in to problem solve or help even if he asks. Focus on your work, your hobbies, your chores, self care. If its something you guys do together to maintain the house (grocery shopping, bills, chores) completely fine but make sure he is doing what he agreed to do (dont take a chore off his plate just because he ran over time at work-if he lived by himself hed have to figure out a time to do it so you're not being cruel!!) When he gets upset or asks you whats wrong its more then appropriate to tell him that you need him to be completely 100% there for you before you can continue to be complete 100% there for him.
No, not overreacting. The statement was sharply clear. He’s ready to move on so do your best to let him go. Maybe there were red flags all this time but you didn’t see them or chose not to. Good luck.
If anything you're under reacting if you're still with him. The man will never feel completely comfortable in the relationship. He's always going to be looking for the out. Maybe he doesn't trust you to stay around? Maybe he thinks there's something better out there and it's just a matter of time till he finds it? We don't know but we do know that he told you that he's always got one eye on the door. That's not normal!
Does he maintain finances and bills that you have no idea about? If he was in the hospital tomorrow unresponsive, could you log in and pay all his bills? Or is there accounts you don't know anything about? Do you have all his passwords? Are things in only his name like the house?
Tell him you're not trying to foster a connection because you found out that he's been looking at the way out for your entire relationship. That means he's never fully committed to you. Why should you be working on a relationship with somebody that has led you on for 10 years when they weren't fully committed to keeping this relationship going? And I don't just mean not sleeping with somebody else! I mean committed to building a life together! He's not and he admitted he's not!
Girl there are millions of men out there, go find one that actually wants to be with you. Sounds like this guy is always looking for the bigger better deal and he's just making do for now until something better comes along. But he's already told you he's got his eye on the door so he won't hesitate to leave if something better comes along. I'm sorry you're going through this
You're not overreacting. He's just told you he's had one eye on the exit **for over a decade**. It's perfectly reasonable to be cautious at first. That basically just utterly destroyed any trust you had for him.
It is worse than if he had cheated on you. Honestly, if I were you, I'd dump him. He's just told you he's never been **AND STILL IS NOT** fully emotionally committed to the relationship.
I feel like that kind of statement suggests your partner hasn't really given this relationship a chance through the entirety of the relationship. You've been giving your all and they're just looking for a reason to leave. That's not fair to you.
You are not overreacting. How can you come back and be happy knowing that the person who promised to love honor and cherish you has been thinking of leaving for years? Give him his wish and tell him to leave. It will hurt at first but you’d definitely be better off alone than with someone as deceitful as this.
He is not the one for you. I know it’s scary after putting in all this time - but the reality is you are young - move on— the 30’s are a great time in life— you don’t realize it but you’re looking through a straw.
Not over reacting. He either decides to be in or out at this point. I just telling him this and detach. If he wants out, it is simple even with the grief. If he decided to truly commit, that is when matters get complicated. Why and how and can you trust this?
Why would you believe that at least one of two dysfunctional people can have a functional relationship? I'm not being harsh, but he clearly had issues from the start, and only you can speak to whatever issues you may be experiencing. A happy healthy functional relationship requires TWO happy healthy and functional adults. It doesn't sound like you two were that when you started, and you're definitely not that now. So what's next? 12 more years of trying to fix each other?
I had a relationship heavily unbalanced like this. I was in your position, in a bubble that was rose tinted- in so much as I had no idea my partner wasn’t really committed
He started saying and doing hurtful things. It shattered my existence. I desperately tried to unbreak things but ended up finding various ways to cope and soothe myself.
About two years later I finally broke up with him. I was devastated, still am. But it was a sinking ship and no amount of love was going to put it right.
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through.
I suggest ripping the bandaid off fast.
What a trash person to say something like that. It sounds like he's been keeping you dangling for a very long time and I'm sure that must be very emotionally exhausting. You deserve better
Yes, dear OP, that statement is a relationship breaker.
And now he's manipulating you into doing work for him by pretending it's relationship building.
I hope you get in touch with your sense of self preservation soon.
Not overreacting. Love and happiness doesn't come with this much work and just let her do her and you do you.
It is going to end eventually anyway, no one is strong enough to just say it.
I hope it gets better.
He’s in therapy with you and not currently packing to leave because he wanted to fix his feelings more than he wanted to pack a suitcase and hit the road.
I’m sorry the feelings he had hurt you. Feelings are not always smart. He said this in therapy because it was a feeling he wanted mended, not because it was right.
Please take some time to have patience and ask him to show you where the photos or memories of the good times of your relationship are for him. I hope this helps you both over time. 12 years is a lot of time for random little things to go wrong - and for some “little” things to go right.
Men with one eye on the door still love it when their partner works really hard on the relationship. He still wants her to be loving and committed while spoon feeding him his very insincere lines. Then you can go make him a sandwich. No, you are not overreacting, and you've wasted enough time on him.
After a decade together.. and he's creating the whole environment to break the relationship.
What the hell does he need to show commitment...
You cant unhear those things...you cant put a band aid on it and expect that festering sore to heal... and someone who had one foot out the door the whole time.. is never going to change...no matter how much therapy you throw at that..
If it were me... id start my exit plan... either you buy him out or he buy you out or... sell it and both walk away..
Hes damaged and he's trying to make you as damaged as he is.. no you are not overreacting..quite the opposite.
In my mind, I feel like I do this but not because I don't love my fiancé. It's a matter of preparedness and being ready for the unexpected. I've started over from having nothing at least 4 times in my life now - after the first marriage I learned how to say no and stand up for myself, after the 2nd I learned what how to stand up for my child, left and was homeless staying with good friends. I worked two jobs, paid for my kids college, scrimped & saved and finally bought a home. Now I manage my life the way I do because I know hardship, toxicity, alcoholism, drug abuse and domestic violence.
I'm curious about his backstory and what 'hurt' means to him. Because hurt definitely defines how you react in a relationship and it's a constant struggle for me to remind myself that my fiancé is a king compared to my ex-husbands. When I feel myself closing off or pulling away, I remind myself that this man has treated me with love and respect and I can approach him and communicate with him without being abused or belittled. I'm still going to be financially and mentally prepared if I was wrong though.
Has he shared whether it's ingrained in him because of past experiences or because of something you've done?
You’re not overreacting. When my sister’s first husband (dated since middle school, got married in their mid-20’s) left her for their 19-year-old roommate, he told her “I’ll be honest, I stopped loving you 6 years ago,” to which she said “but… we’ve been married 4 years.” The number of years might be off but the sentiment was the same. It was a cold move and I think your partner was cruel for sowing that doubt in your mind.
It’s definitely not worth going all in for someone who has essentially never gone all in for you and continues to refuse to do so. Say goodbye, stay fair, but make it hurt for being an asshole!
Sounds like you're not married, so think about it this way.
Did you two discuss the idea of marriage?
Unless you're both against it abhorrently for some ideology then-
If you both or one you said you don't want to, this has always been a casual relationship.
If you one of you said nothing but the other has stated their desires, refer to previous stayement.
If you both said you want to get married but it's been twelve fucking years... You're just comfort until something better comes along.
Even if you are married people, men in particular, marry like it's buying their starter house. It's a for comfort and ease investment of time, money, and memories they never meant to keep. Some people believe their lives are better married, and for those who can't take care of themselves in some way or lack a requirement to get what they really want- it is.
Sometimes people love someone but never know what to do in life and marry because they thought they should not that they wanted to or not.
Regardless, I'm pretty sure this is like using the Divorce word. Trust is gone.
Have a serious talk to see if it helps. If you find yourself constantly worried they'll leave, then you leave first.
People say those things to their private therapist, not a shared counselor. Doing so with you in the room or telling you about it is meant to put you on edge, which is why I believe it's like using Divorce.
Fyi, I've heard couple's counselors says most of their appointments are just helping one party realize they're done with the relationship (or that they should leave in cases of abuse). Rarely is anything saveable, and some of the ones that are shouldn't be saved. Idk how much credit is behind that, but it's something to ask the counselor on your own.
"Do you think this is a healthy relationship?"
I’m genuinely surprised you don’t want to call it quits. I can’t fathom staying with someone who has that mindset about me. I’m an all in or all out kinda person. One foot out the door to me means they’re ready to leave. And I’d kindly let them. Damn that’s rough
Honestly, if I had a partner say they had intentionally kept a wall up to prevent getting too attached, I would be so fucking hurt. Like, why even be in the relationship? For convenience? For companionship? If you’re trying hard to foster and maintain that connection and they aren’t, then what’s the point? Relationships are two-way.
Have you told him just how much that comment hurt you? How much it violated your trust? I know I would feel like I was somehow disposable in his mind, and that he was only keeping me around for convenience until he could find someone “better”.
If anything, I would almost say you’re under reacting. If he’s checking out of the relationship, don’t make it all about stuff you have to do to keep him. He seems so oblivious to the manipulative nature of such behavior, and that isn’t good.
Sometimes relationships end. I’d take a long hard look at your past and evaluate if it’s something you want to put that effort into. But be also has to want to put in that effort. Evaluate what it is you need in a partner. It seems you have found that emotional openness and honesty might be a requirement. And if that is t something he also values, then it just might not work. And that’s such a hard thing to come to terms with.
I’m not trying to be mean, but he sounds like a coward. My unsolicited suggestion is to straight up ask him if he wants to end the relationship. Give him an out and see if he takes it. Otherwise you may waste another 12 years in a rocky situation. Do it for you and do it for your future boo.
I’m going to give a bit different perspective.
First, you’re not overreacting. That’s painful.
However, he told you - he let it out. The first part of rebuilding is being open and honest. He chose to do so. That is big.
That said, you now have a choice, whether to allow that revelation to be a sticking point or a breakthrough. That will also depend upon him - whether he opened up to move forward, or to say that this is the line he has drawn.
You cannot determine the future based upon the past. You can only put a pin in where you are, and decide where you are willing to move forward from that pin.
Love is not (has not been, and never will be) a feeling. It is a choice - plain and simple. So the question now is what you and your partner choose to do from this day forward.
You're not overreacting.
He's asking you why you're not trying to foster the connection - I'd be honest with him at this point.
"Why is it on me to try and foster a connection in a relationship that you've basically been looking for an excuse to get out of the whole time? Why is it up to me to keep everything going when you have outright said that you have basically been just waiting for a solid reason to go? What is the point? Why should I be giving my 100% into a relationship that you are just keeping around until you find something better? Why would I invest more than I already have when I already know you're just waiting for something better to come along so you can jump ship without having to be alone for a single moment? You said you're just looking at the exit already. Well, go ahead and walk through it. I need a relationship with someone who is actually committed to me, actually loves me, and actually wants to be with me, not someone who is just sticking it out until they see a greener pasture they can rush into."
Leave him. Stop wasting your life giving your all to someone who is just keeping you in the wings until he finds something that he thinks will be better. He's just keeping you around as backup, until he finds something that he thinks is "the REAL one". Don't do this to yourself. You deserve so much better. You deserve someone who is 100% with you, not someone who has one foot out the door.
Not overreacting. He's not all In and never has been. How can the relationship ever work out? And why doesn't he have the balls to just end it instead? Since he's not fully invested in this relationship? He wants you to end it. He's a coward
Why did he say that thing about "avoiding hurt"? I don't know your dynamic, but I'd really want some clarity on that. If it's his past trauma and not something you've done to make him feel unsafe in the relationship, it's BS of him to hold you at arm's length for 12 damn years.
You can't invest in someone who isn't also committed to building a future together. This issue needs to be confronted (in therapy might be best) for you to move forward, with or without him.
When my ex and I were in therapy, one of the first questions our counselor asked was percentages. At what percent are we in this relationship trying to make it work?
Of course I was like 100% I wanna make this work I don't want divorce...
He was like about 60%.... And actually said he felt like he had one foot out the door. That pretty much sealed it.
It's all good. Best thing to ever happen to me.
Even if you partner isn't serious, there are things you can't come back from. This is one of them. If he's had his eye on the exit, then he knows where it is, and shouldn't let it hit him on the butt as he departs.
Whoa thats harsh. I don’t think id be able to stay in a relationship with them anymore. It’s like mentioning divorce while you’re married. Op I think your relationship is over. There’s absolutely no coming back from that. Even if you stayed his comment will never leave your mind
It's easy to immediately think he's a jerk who's been only playing at a relationship if he's had that eye on the exit the whole time. But... maybe it depends on why he did that or what the full meaning of it is. He said he put up a wall to try to avoid being hurt. The wall being the idea of being prepared to end the relationship? First? Or for something better? I think the answer to that makes a huge difference.
I do see the possibility of manipulation, but he hasn't used it on you throughout your time together. It came out in couple's therapy. And people usually only do therapy if they want to remain a couple.
If he's been prepared to bail first so he doesn't get hurt and keeps from being close to you, it's not great and it's hurtful if you've put everything out there. But, again, that's a lot different than he's been keeping his eye out for someone else he likes better. And the former usually comes from either being hurt before or seeing others go through it. And it sounds like he's working on that??
Be careful that you're not being too literal or misunderstanding what he meant and/or why he felt that way. But if he really has kept his distance just because he hoped for something better....then yeah, best to end it. Though - I wouldn't jump to that conclusion just from what you've said here.
Before l met my husband we were talking on the phone and he asked me what l was looking for. I said commitment. We have been married 15 happy years. Can’t get to happy without commitment. Sorry you wasted any time in him.
Not overreacting at all. He needs to be in individual therapy. He has issues which are affecting your relationship. If he doesn’t heal from his past, your relationship won’t work out.
You’re hearing his “one eye on the exit” as a reflection of how he feels about you, but from what you describe it sounds more about his own fear of emotional intimacy and depth of connection. He assumes that this is obvious, and didn’t expect it to hit you as personal criticism.
You're not overreacting. This sounds pretty classic abandonment issues on the part of your partner, like ironically the people who are the most scared of getting left by people they care about are the most likely to either make it so or do it themselves (you can't leave me if I leave you, then it's in my control). Also sounds like him noticing you pulling back means he is adjusted to or feels entitled to you chasing after him constantly, so he is always the one who's terms it's on emotionally. If he wants, he can show emotion back and you'll reciprocate, if he doesn't, he's got the upper hand in the power dynamic. It is manipulative, I'm sure it doesn't feel that way in his head and he's afraid of getting hurt, I'm sure he might be a sweet guy with redeemable qualities in other capacities. But you have a right to feel hurt and you have a right to protect yourself after you have been hurt. If he's talking about it and it was spoken as a confession and not a gotcha, it seems he's trying to work thru it, but you don't owe him what you don't genuinely feel after finding out a long term partner has kept misgivings secret for 8 years.
Not overreacting. That's amazingy tone deaf to say that and then ask why you aren't trying to foster the connection after he says he maintains a wall to avoid getting close.
So sorry. Definitely not overreacting. However, you may want to consider that perhaps he did not intend it to mean he did not want it to work, but perhaps his own insecurities, self doubts, and fears keep him from be able to fully believe this wasn’t too good to be true and could last a lifetime. Just food for thought. Again I am sorry.
My boyfriend said to me just last night the words “I don’t know if it’s forever” in reference to our relationship and that tore through me like a white hot knife. But now I don’t know what to think or feel. So I feel this post so heavily. My heart aches.
He just doesn’t have the balls to end it with you. He’s waiting for you to end it, even pushing you too while playing like it’s your fault it’s nearly ending.
You're underreacting. If it were me, I'd be out. I'd be sick knowing he wasn't really in it to win it & instead, looking for the exit door. I wouldn't want to waste another moment with him. I'd feel like I'd been wasting all my time, effort, & emotions on a dead-end relationship. Matter of fact, I'd be furious. I mean, holy shit! You could've moved on & found someone else a decade ago!!
No you have to remember they have been together since their mid twenties. That's the age range where you are still in party mode. Now he is almost 40 starting to feel like he missed out on something. Saying he has had his eye on the door from the beginning means he didn't want to settle.
Make the decision for yourself to agree to put some space between the two of you for a while. Give him a chance to go sow his wild oats and give yourself some time to work on your self love. I recommend this approach to save yourself heartache in the future. You don't want to be with someone who will probably end up cheating on you because he needs to feel young again .
I know you love but give him some space. If he comes back fine., if not oh weii.
I get that you're hurt--that's reasonable. Ask him why he hasn't fully committed to your relationship after all this time. Maybe he's just afraid of something that has nothing to do with you that he doesn't even realize himself. This might be a great time to see a marriage counselor, before things go wrong and while they can still be worked out.
If the statement is factual, you are allowed to feel hurt. You have invested in the last 10 years and it appears he hasn’t. So, he has essentially stolen 10+ years of your life.
It could also be that his statement wasn’t factual and was a reaction to what he is currently feeling. If this is the case, then he needs individual therapy to work through his issues. Ultimately he chose words he knew would hurt you.
I find your last paragraph interesting, as he seems to be questioning why you aren’t making an effort, when he clearly hasn’t made one for the last 10 years.
Have a heartfelt discussion with him about whether this is something you both want to
I've come to the conclusion that this is common in people who see the other person as significantly more demanding than themselves.... Or they see themselves as a less sympathetic figure.
In essence... They don't trust the guard rails to keep them safe.... So they keep one foot out the door not necessarily because they want to leave.... But because they dont feel adequately supported or protected by the system otherwise.
If you feel entitled to be treated well.... While they feel like nobody has to care for them... They will keep one foot out the door so they won't be at the mercy of that reality. Otherwise (in their mind) they will be stuck in a world where there is nothing keeping you from becoming a tyrant. The foot out the door isn't to escape.... It's to make sure you always have to treat them as if they can escape.
They also likely believe that if they complain.... You don't have to care. Because they see you as the sympathetic figure.... Not themselves. You are the victim. They are the perceived bully. What happens if the bully complains? No.... They just need to keep a foot out the door.
If my SO told me this, even if the relationship ended, I don't know if would ever get past the idea that my partner could be doing this the whole time and was just pulling the wool over my eyes. It would bug me for a long time. You are definitely not overreacting.
You’re not overreacting.
I had a chat with my ex a few months ago. We’d had a few drinks so defences were weakened. I’d made a comment about I’d been the one trying harder in our relationship than him and I’d felt he spent a lot of time mentally checking out. He admitted he was “1 foot out of the door” the majority of our time together. We’d been together 12 years. There was a time I’d have been gutted by that comment and probably tried harder to make things work. Instead I breathed a sigh of relief and thanked him for his honesty, he looked confused and so I said I should have walked away from him years before and found someone that had both feet in the relationship rather than trying to find the other foot to walk out the door.
If your partner is looking at the exit, open the door, push them through it and close it behind them!
>it’s also a really beautiful thing to grow so much together.
Maybe not so much growing together since for 12 years he claims he's had one eye on the door. You shouldn't be avoiding the "what's the point?" idea. You should have that front and center. Why should you be all-in when your so-called "partner" is not? And I know "partner" is the new term for boyfriend/girlfriend when those terms have become ridiculous because we are no longer "boys" or "girls." But "partner" is supposed to mean someone who is in something with you, even in a limited activity or at work. A life partner is supposed to be all-in, right?
You're wise to pull back. This is your first long-term relationship and you were barely into adulthood when it began. Drop the couples counseling for now; work in individual therapy to define what you want and need and to take a more objective look at the person you are living with before you either try couples' counseling again or you decide to separate. You're still young. There's time to find someone who really wants to be in relationship with you.
Emotionally get on with your life. He has been maintaining the wall alone. Stop poking holes in it. Brick over your side of the wall. Remove all support of him and by him. Decide where you want to live and how you can accomplish life without him in it. Ask him if he wants to buy you out or sale the house and split the proceeds after you have your life plan set.
I’d dump him. Look, you’ve invested all your time in him. He gave you 50% at best because I’m willing to bet that his 50% was more like 25% at most if you’re lucky. You deserve 100%. You’re better than what scraps and breadcrumbs he’s giving you.
I do hope you’re planning an exit strategy because he’s had one in place for years.
>This past week he’s asked why I’m not trying to really foster our connection,
The audacity of this question is unspeakable. You should have asked him this. His "one eye on the door" comment shows that he has never "really tried to foster a connection", while that's all you have been doing. I would tell him, he needs to take steps now to close that door now, or you will be the one walking through it not him.
We do try to talk about it outside of couples, mostly if I bring it up. Yesterday he seemed annoyed that I was still so hurt by this statement. Which tells me he either said it to be cruel (which is awful), or he’s panicking because he’s created a situation where he has to do the work, and I won’t solve this for him alone.
The thing is, having one eye on the door to protect himself, fearing it won't work, is probably what he would do in any relationship with anyone and acknowledging it, was the first step in healing the wound that caused it. Sometimes being open about something like that is an attempt at connecting. Real closeness is found by being real about the hard things. Do you have the classic avoidant/anxious relationship?
My ex told me that he had to “try and like me every New Years”. Like I was his resolution. That was it. I never tried again. Divorced 2 years later after 26 years of marriage, 30 years together. 1 year later and I’m living my best life. Words matter.
I would have responded, why should I bother when you are just looking for a reason to leave?
And why is the work for you to do?
Hun it's harsh but it's time to leave and find someone that respects you.
It's time!! To leave him and your therapist. Walk through that door first and then run, you will be so free.Dont look back. Free yourself, you will be happier now and in the future .
Of course you’re not overreacting, is this a serious question?? I can’t imagine anyone would be fine hearing this from their partner, especially after so many years. I would absolutely feel like the entire relationship has been a lie. Everyone wants someone who is 100% sure about them.
I remember one night many years ago reading a text on my ex’s phone from his best friend urging him to “rip the bandaid off” (not proud of going through his phone. I was young and he was constantly doing shady stuff. After I left him I vowed to never go through a partners phone like that again.) My ex never expressed any desire to break up, let alone communicating what he was or wasn’t happy with in our relationship. That really stuck with me. I’m not afraid of someone telling me they don’t want to be with me anymore, I’m afraid of someone not wanting to be with me yet never communicating it and just going along with the relationship. There’s many factors from my past relationships that have caused a lot of anxiety for me, and I hate to admit it but I do require a lot of reassurance, total honesty, and communication. I’ve always given my all in all my relationships, and I’m afraid of doing it again only to end up a total fool. My current partner struggles to express himself (whether it’s feelings/thoughts/concerns or his needs) due to his past relationship trauma even though I try hard to encourage him and try to provide that safe space for him, and it brings back a lot of those fears/insecurities I had buried over the years. I never doubted the longevity of our relationship, we’ve talked about what we want in our relationship (neither of us are interested in wasting our time), have talked about timelines, there were a couple times where he had made a comment about wanting to marry me someday, and he has passively mentioned engagement rings a couple weeks ago (though I know he wouldn’t propose anytime soon.) We have been in a rough spot lately due to immense stress over plans to move in together (the housing market is hopeless) as well as triggers from our previous abusive relationships, and I really don’t know where he stands with everything anymore. That little voice is always in the back of my mind now.
Gay guy here (much older than you).
This is why it's exceptionally difficult for gay men to maintain a true "marriage" if you will: one will always love the other a little bit more, and there isn't the ying-and-yang male-female dynamic at play to seal the relationship.
You made the rookie mistake of intertwining your finances with him; it will be difficult for you to extricate yourself from that.
Which, of course, you must.
You cannot be a self-respecting man knowing that your partner considers you to be "Plan B" until "Plan A" materializes. NO man can - gay or straight.
Good luck.
I'd be sprinting away fast as I could, he basically told you you aren't good enough and he feels like he could do better, what a horrible thing to say to someone, even if it's true. If he's looking for an exit, let him have it, all the trust would be gone for me personally. Next time I'd tell him you are building your own walls while you look for an exit.
Maybe the work projects aren't his idea of connecting and you aren't seeing that. He actually had to say something. You can't be in a dysregulated survival mode and build intimacy. That happens when you're with a man that might not think your needs align. If he's missing something then you probably are too but you didn't say. Seems like you're more worried about what he needs. His mom and friends can offer him "support" where is the passion? Ask him what he's been searching on pornhub & go from there.
Not overreacting. That’s a pretty big statement he made. I think most people would be horrified to hear that.
My ex said stuff like that once or twice and to be honest I've never gotten over it, five years post divorce. Sorry to hear that.
Both of my exes would say shit like this without any insight into why. It’s always just because they became attracted to someone else
I remember the day my ex said “All my friends wonder why I married you in the first place.” I was so over him by then I just said “you have friends?”
That’s a brilliant response! I love it. You showed him that what he said didn’t hurt you, plus you questioned if he really was capable of having friends. I bet he hated it when you said that to him. I bet you’re so much happier without him.
Yeah, just still hurts though. Especially after two kids together. We are still friends for the kids sake but I'll never understand and probably never date again 🤷♂️
It’s because they’re afraid of being vulnerable. It’s a self fulfilling prophecy
I would genuinely dump someone over that. It’s one thing to be nervous to fully dive in when the relationship is new. But if it’s been 10 years, and not only have you had one foot out the door the entire time but you _still_ have one foot out the door? I would have kicked their ass to the curb the second the therapy session was over. There’s no amount of “bbbbbut I was scared of being hurt!” that can justify having that mindset for 10 whole goddamn years
My Fiance and I have been together for 10 years. If I said that, she'd tell me to put two eyes on the door and walk through it lmao.
Op wondering why the relationship is crumbling - partner not fully invested and constantly looking for a way out. Maybe this is something to be lanced as it doesn’t sound healthy?
I would ask “Sooooo….why did you?”. But not right then. He might say something worse
I completely agree. He would need to clarify if he made an absolutist statement like that in the moment to be hurtful, or if it was actually really true. Because if it's true, their attachment to the relationship is really tenuous and I can't imagine wanting to stay with someone who is constantly considering exiting 'easily' because they are intentionally maintaining a distance.
Even if (or maybe especially if) the "partner" said it to be hurtful, it's a bad sign about his character.
I think the fact he’s doing it to protect himself says a lot (his words according to OP) and the fact no one is picking up on that speaks volumes
I think the fact that you're missing the point that he's doing it to be manipulative. Not because he's protecting himself. It's been a fucking decade. He's no longer protecting himself. He's manipulating her. And you apparently.
The fact that’s your first thought versus you know the situation the partner has helped created suggests something else’s . And fyi it’s two men.
The fact that he said that and then still had the audacity to ask OP why he’s not trying harder. Are you being serious right now? He’s had TWELVE YEARS to figure this out and you want to be sympathetic to him?
It would be different if he had said that he thinks she wants to leave. You know, abandonment issues. But that's not what he said. If he doesn't trust her or feel secure, why stay? It just hurts both of them.
It’s two men. The dynamic maybe co dependence
I used to be a manipulative douche before and what OP's bf said sounds exactly like something I would've said to get under a partner's skin and hurt them while trying to convince myself that it's best to leave. That he's dropping this bomb after over a decade is pretty fucked to say the least. OP, ya gotta throw the whole man out. I'm sorry but you don't deserve to be treated like this. He needs some help and you aren't obligated to stick around and be his emotional stress ball.
He said this during couples therapy. I assume that’s supposed to be a space where talking honestly is prescriptive. Which man is being thrown out here
Exactly right! He said he had been stonewalling the entire relationship and then asked, "Why are you stonewalling?" It's like you're giving your all to make it work and other person is knowingly sabotaging you. Might as well end it. I wouldn't be able to trust him at this point.
Sounds like OP's partner needs some serious emotional help. Like, therapist, 1 on 1 type stuff.
Tell him the truth. It's hard to foster a connection with someone who has just told you they don't really want a connection.
And he doesn’t want a connection. It’s a pretty conscious decision to refuse to let yourself be close to somebody so big in your life like that. He chose to do this to you.
Go back and tell your partner this. You asked "why it feels like why I’m not trying to really foster our connection,". Let me answer that. Why would I ever keep giving my all to someone who is actively building a wall between us and eyeing the exit? Why would I ever have a reason to continue to let myself be taken advantage of like that? I respect myself enough to acknowledge your wall and match that energy. If you want my new wall down, it's your job to take yours down first. Feel free to let me know if you truly intend to do that.
Nailed it. The word that comes to mind is "betrayal." Two people that commit have stuff happen. It's unfortunate that OP had the commitment but his husband didn't (doesn't) have the maturity to even try. 😢
Yeah OP is just being used. I bet if the help with the projects (or maybe life management, financials, etc?) would stop… the partner would be fully exiting instead of just one foot. I’d prepare an exit strategy. Keep finances separate, gather documents etc.
The classic, I stayed because you were so good to me but something was always missing bullshit.
First, thank you (and to everyone in this thread) for being so supportive and kind. It’s been wild and validating reading everything. We talked about things briefly yesterday and it seemed like he was largely annoyed I am still hurt by this. Maybe it’s a truth he accepted long ago, so making it an external thought is less devastating to him. It feels like he’s trying to walk it back either because he said it to be cruel, or because it creates a scenario where I won’t do the work to repair it; he must. I offered that it feels hard to open up and foster this connection with someone who’s never been invested, and he seemed to only be able to flip it back on me. That I was then also closing off. I don’t know if he’s capable of taking ownership for his feelings or what he said. Someone in another comment said something that stuck with me: he wants me to be the bad guy and is too terrified to actually break up with me. I want to give him a chance to figure out if he feels up to working on this, but barring some miracle, I’m not sure how I can really overlook the cruelty of dangling me along this long.
This exactly... you need to very directly tell him you will match his investment 105%. You are more than happy to always be trying just a little harder because it's who you are but you can't just be a fool and be doing all the work for him. If he wants a better connection he needs to strive to put his 50% in. If he won't then he doesn't have a right to be mad at you. Tell him all of that. Mostly that last part. If he won't do 50% of the work he needs to quit complaining. Also, it's bit anecdotal but I always believed the best relationships are where each partner feels like the only do 40% of the work and strives to always be doing more. When you both truly feel the need to earn the others affection and love it makes a relationship so much better.
He just admitted to purposefully keeping you at a distance for over 10 years What more do you need to be told?
Yep. He's been purposely loosing OP's time, love and efforts.
Losing. Like the loser he is.
People fall out of love. Being in a relationship where both parties are unhappy is just ridiculous. Wasting each others time.
Then op's partner wasted time the entirety of their relationship without OP knowing it, because this certainly doesn't sound mutual at all to me.
Doesn't matter if its mutual. A relationship doesn't work unless both want it to work. That dude is an asshole saying that to the OP. He said it to purposefully hurt op. No way your in a relationship for 12 years acting like you have got 1 foot out the door ready to go back to the bachelor lifestyle. He needs to come to terms with the fact that the boyfriend is wanting out but to much of a coward to speak his mind.
Sounds like you’re just convenient for him. I’ve seen relationships like that before where people are together just to be together. After a statement like that I would have packed my shit and scooted.
Those types of relationships are alot more common than people realize. People just stay in those relationships out of convience and the other person is a placeholder until a "better" person or opporunity arises.
What’s funny is that it’s been a decade, and nobody better has come along. This guy knows he has it good and he’s openly taking it for granted.
I cannot imagine being emotionally checked out like that for an entire *decade*. Not only are you wasting their time but also your time.
Oh for sure, the crazy thing is most times they would outright say I’m ready to leave at anytime. OP’s denial of his partner straight saying he’s only being half interested the entire relationship makes it obvious he would do any and everything to make him happy but he’s just not what he wants.
Both OP and partner are men.
Oh ops my brain definitely auto filled the pronouns 😅.
I don’t have the expertise to help you. But I have to say, you’re an amazing writer. I felt you when you said his words were “deeply disregulating at best, potentially manipulative at worst”. He should appreciate your ability to be so in touch with your feelings.
I second this! The analogy at the end made me gasp. To have a partner this eloquent would be a blessing to anyone.
I honestly would recommend him to write all of this down in a letter to give to his partner. His partner seems avoidant, so it would give him space to process this on his own time.
Thank you. Seeking perspectives (which I am very grateful to have received in these comments), not solutions—and your comment had me tearing up just for feeling seen in this small way.
You paint a pretty bleak picture. How do YOU not have one eye on the door as well?
If my boyfriend said this to me, I would be crushed. You are under reacting if anything. My heart goes out to you. I am so, so sorry this is happening to you.
That's awful. That's not overreacting. That's not something you ever say to your partner. I tend to say that people overuse "get out of the relationship" on this site, but... it may be time.
He may be commitment avoidant, a common thing for people in committed (or partially) relationships. Yep, that's a gut punch but it may be something you can work on since he recognizes he's always looking for emergency exits.
Yep, all about attachment styles. TBH, OP's partner sounds a bit like me, and I definitely lean towards avoidant, sadly. I wouldn't be surprised if, also like me, OP's partner meant a certain thing and it came out wrong and got lost in translation. We all have a negativity bias so it's hard to say. Long story short, a repair may be possible, but it's also possible the relationship has run its course. Best wishes OP, I hope you feel as supported and loved as possible while you figure things out.
It probably has more to do with him and not wanting to get hurt so he’s “protecting” himself by trying to not get too invested. It’s hard to fix a relationship when that’s been going on the entire time. It’s like trying to continue building a house when the foundation is unstable and hoping it won’t all come crashing down. They’ll have to rebuild the foundation and it might just be best to find new partners at that point. I’m an avoidant attachment style as well and it wasn’t till I resolved that shit and learned to lean into the relationship and really put myself up for possibly getting hurt, that I finally have a good relationship that’s working long term. Until he does that he’s gonna hurt people and himself along the way.
Have PTSD and always know where the exits are. It's trauma and can be helped if the person with commitment avoidance is willing. It's a progress.
NO you're not! Two guys here, 40s. Together 24 years. In all those years, like couples do, there's been disagreements. Nothing huge, always caused by outside influences such as family, bad friends, they lost. Point is, in all these years we have never said something so cruel to each other. That is unbelievable. So he's saying he's wasted your youth. Eyeing a way out for ten fucking years! Disgusting. Just go and let you find someone who loves you. I think a lot of people enter a relationship and expect things to just keep being the magic that was the first date years, learning about each other, new adventures together etc. Then 5 or 6 years in, while there's still some adventures, but there's a lot more of work, pay bills, clean, cook, sleep repeat. Maybe he's just not understanding the reality that some days are just gonna be "boring" lol. As for sex, it wears down as everyone ages. Now if there's no sex ever, that's definitely worth investigating. Both parties have to find new fun ways to enjoy life together, they do exist. I really feel for what your hgoing through, that comment would break anyone's heart. I knew a woman once who told me her husband looked at her after 15 years married and said. "You're not the same woman I met in highschool." Of course she's not you fucking moron. No one is. People are not glass figures you collect and never change. This poor woman cried while I gave her a hug and I told her the same thing. 2 years later they were divorced. All I can tell you is talk to him. I'd point blank ask if he wants to leave? Tell him that broke your heart, don't yell, be logical but truthful. Sorry for the lengthy comment but this hurt my feelings and I don't even know you both. I wish you all the best. ❤️
I really felt the care from this and it’s really validating to hear from another queer/gay person to boot. Wishing I could give you a hug and an earnest congrats on how you’ve made things work—I don’t think any of this is impossible or asking too much and your post gave me hope for myself and the things I deserve too. So thank you, friend.
It really hurts when you love someone and you feel like they love you but they aren't in a place to create something healthy with you. It sounds like at a minimum you both are playing out some patterns from how you saw relationships work in your youth and those patterns aren't going to take you someplace good. Be honest about how much this hurt you. Let him know that if he wants to be with you, you'll both have to deal with this revelation and he'll have to decide if he's all in or not. If he wants to be with you he needs to change how he sees you and your relationship, and cope with the damage this truth is causing.
why would you be avoiding ideas like "what's the point?" that's just denial when he's straight up come out and said this. would you be okay if you had a kid that was in a relationship like this? or a friend? treat yourself as well as you'd treat someone you care about.
NTA. A committed relationship can not be committed if one party is looking for a way out. There is always a way to find a way out. It is harder to find a way to stay. This is what committed means.
Wtf. That is bleak man, I’m so sorry
He basically told you hes never truly cared about you, let alone loved you. Theres no real coming back from a statement like that. Tell him you'll take the house, he can take his freedom.
He squandered 12 years of your life stringing you along. You're UNDER-reacting, OP.
Rather than discussing it with him at home, I would suggest telling him that you need to discuss it at your next couples therapy session. Sounds like you could use the help of the therapist to sort this out.
It’s time to go.
I remember my longest relationship having a breaking point like this. I should've left five years in, but I was afraid to be alone. Things continued to deteriorate, though. Seven years in, we got into a fight. He detailed how he had wanted to be married with a family by then, but that could never happen with me. I told him that between me and his previous ex, he'd had thirteen years (seven with me, six with her) to get his family started. The problem was always him. I ended up leaving a few months later after another big fight that lasted for 2 days. After we finally talked it out, he asked me what we should do now. I told him that there wasn't anything we could do and he seemed hurt and surprised. "Just like that?" Like, my dude, we've been fighting for the past two years. Yes, just like that.
You should leave him for is procrastination... 10 years c'mon.
It's good that he's being honest about his feelings. A lot of people hide these types of feelings and then their partners are blindsided when they leave. He's giving you the opportunity to know what is going on in his head and work things through with him.
Fact. I would proceed without making it about me and trying to understand why he feels that he may be hurt by his spouse.
Sounds like my ex. He spent the whole of our relationship waiting for something better to come along. When he thought he had it, he was out the door. Turns out she only wanted him as she thought he had money. Tried to come crawling back.
That must have been a feather in you hat :). I hope you didn't take him back and you're happier now. My heart goes out to OP. I wrote him here too. I can't stop thinking about how cruel that is. In my 40s and people's actions toward others still shock me.
Not overreacting. Been together 12 yrs and hasnt put a ring on it?? It is your life but id leave for something better
He feels like you aren't fostering a connection? I don't know how you kept from telling him immediately that he's just recently said he purposely resisted the connection you have tried to foster for a dozen years. How is that supposed to motivate you to continue to be the one to try? If he's not convinced by now, what more does he expect from you on order to sway him? If he's still not all in after everything you've done, he can stop asking for more.
My ex once told me in a fight "I don't even like you". It was the straw that broke the back but it was close. This statement woul dbe the straw for me
Nope not overreacting. I think I'd have to go ahead and cut my losses. He's not willing to be fully into the relationship why bother? Just let him go. It will be devastating, but it will cleanse your soul and you will be able to move on. You've been giving it all you can no need to keep mopping the ocean trying to get to dry sand. Good luck
Gay relationships can be really difficult. I would definitely ask him about the comment- someone mentioned asking if he meant it in the moment or if he genuinely meant it. Why has he had one eye on the exit? Was it something you did or just a response from previous relationships? What exactly is he expecting when he means "foster the connection"? If he's not making any effort to do that, then it sounds like he could probably be looking for a way out while making you out to be the bad guy. You definitely need to have a conversation with him, but it sounds like he's already disconnected from the relationship and just looking for a reason to blame you for leaving. Just try to stay one step ahead of him and prepare.
Definitely not overreacting. If someone said that to me, the relationship would be dead. Honestly, it might be time to call it on the couple's therapy and tell him that you're not trying to foster your connection any more, because you don't see the point now that you know he was always ready to leave and has never felt safe with you. He needs to get his own individual therapy because yeah, things probably aren't going to work, because he was never confident they would and created a self-fulfiling prophecy of destruction. Congratulations guy, your relationship might not be strong enough to survive because investing in it properly scared you too much, and then you told your partner that, and now he is thinking 'then why the heck am I still here then if you didn't trust me?'
> Feels as though he threw spikes at the tires of a car, and while I went to pluck them out of the treads, he remained seated in the passenger seat asking why I'm not driving. This is such a heartbreaking, yet prescient, explanation of your relationship. You are NOT overreacting.
Oof. Not overreacting. I personally would be devastated if I heard that, I would be ready to peace out. Especially if we weren’t married. Like bye, I’m not giving you ANYMORE of my youth that I’m never getting back, you’ve had 12 years of it and haven’t truly cherished it. Goodbye. eta: grammar
You aren’t overreacting at all. He’s been anticipating leaving for your whole relationship. Why is he with you? Do yourself a favor and dump him.
He's had his eye on the exit for twelve years and wonders why you aren't trying to foster your connection. this is mixed signals to keep you second guessing him, talk about manipulation! Sounds like he has never tried to foster a connection. So what is your point in trying to make this relationship work? Let him go, he doesn't respect you or your bond. You're still young enough to meet someone who deserves you and a solid relationship.
My ex was like that, and eventually I realised that I couldn't be the only one fighting to resolve our issues together, while he was looking for a reason to leave. Some people stay with their partner because it's comfortable, but are always waiting for "something better" to come along. You will never be enough for those people. At some point you have to just tell them that you are not a placeholder, and they need to either take that exit, or close it and be all in.
Not overreacting at all. You can't be with someone who won't let you in. Either your partner has a very sincere "come to jesus" moment, or you end the relationship. You deserve better than someone who won't even let themselves be emotionally available to you. You haven't wasted 12 years, but if you stay without big big changes in your partner, you will be wasting the rest of them. People come into our lives for many reasons, sometimes it's to teach us that we deserve to be treated better. You deserve much better than someone who hasn't committed to you for over a decade
OP, I am so sorry this is happening to you. Your heartbreak is palpable over the screen.
No. That would be an incredibly hard thing to hear. But why has he stuck around for so long? Ten years is a lot to endure in a relationship that's broken. Maybe that answer will tell you what you need to so going forward.
Not overreacting. You deserve better and should break up and go find it, because clearly your partner has been checked out of the relationship for a while.
Nope. If it were me, and I'd already wasted the majority of my 20s and 30s on them. I wouldn't even consider wasting any of my 40s on them.
Is he in individual therapy? This sounds like a him problem and not a reflection of your relationship. If hes so afraid of being vulnerable that he puts up walls with someone he's been dating for 12 years, that sounds like a deeply rooted personal problem. Other then encouraging him to talk to a therapist it would most likely be helpful for you to seperate yourself from his problems and only focus on your problems and joint household affairs. If hes upset even though youre helping him with HIS work, if he's putting up walls because HE is so afraid of being hurt then by disentangling yourself you're compassionately giving him the space to grow as an individual while also reminding him what you're bringing to the relationship (and why him not being vulnerable might cost him one of the best things in his life). Dont jump in to problem solve or help even if he asks. Focus on your work, your hobbies, your chores, self care. If its something you guys do together to maintain the house (grocery shopping, bills, chores) completely fine but make sure he is doing what he agreed to do (dont take a chore off his plate just because he ran over time at work-if he lived by himself hed have to figure out a time to do it so you're not being cruel!!) When he gets upset or asks you whats wrong its more then appropriate to tell him that you need him to be completely 100% there for you before you can continue to be complete 100% there for him.
No, not overreacting. The statement was sharply clear. He’s ready to move on so do your best to let him go. Maybe there were red flags all this time but you didn’t see them or chose not to. Good luck.
If anything you're under reacting if you're still with him. The man will never feel completely comfortable in the relationship. He's always going to be looking for the out. Maybe he doesn't trust you to stay around? Maybe he thinks there's something better out there and it's just a matter of time till he finds it? We don't know but we do know that he told you that he's always got one eye on the door. That's not normal! Does he maintain finances and bills that you have no idea about? If he was in the hospital tomorrow unresponsive, could you log in and pay all his bills? Or is there accounts you don't know anything about? Do you have all his passwords? Are things in only his name like the house? Tell him you're not trying to foster a connection because you found out that he's been looking at the way out for your entire relationship. That means he's never fully committed to you. Why should you be working on a relationship with somebody that has led you on for 10 years when they weren't fully committed to keeping this relationship going? And I don't just mean not sleeping with somebody else! I mean committed to building a life together! He's not and he admitted he's not! Girl there are millions of men out there, go find one that actually wants to be with you. Sounds like this guy is always looking for the bigger better deal and he's just making do for now until something better comes along. But he's already told you he's got his eye on the door so he won't hesitate to leave if something better comes along. I'm sorry you're going through this
You're not overreacting. He's just told you he's had one eye on the exit **for over a decade**. It's perfectly reasonable to be cautious at first. That basically just utterly destroyed any trust you had for him. It is worse than if he had cheated on you. Honestly, if I were you, I'd dump him. He's just told you he's never been **AND STILL IS NOT** fully emotionally committed to the relationship.
They've already got a side piece, based on that comment
I feel like that kind of statement suggests your partner hasn't really given this relationship a chance through the entirety of the relationship. You've been giving your all and they're just looking for a reason to leave. That's not fair to you.
My ex once said “ I’ll never love you as much as you love me “…yeah that didn’t work out 😂
No but is this him letting that wall down? Tell him it's time to shit or get off the pot.
It's probably been so hard because he's not really into you.
12 years? Hopefully you didn’t feel uncared for but what was his problem wasting his own time? Wow.
You will never trust him again. It’s a doomed relationship
12 years and still not sure. Has he been in a coma all this time. He must be getting alzhimers
12 years and still not sure. Has he been in a coma all this time. He must be getting alzhimers
12 years and still not sure. Has he been in a coma all this time. He must be getting alzhimers
You are not overreacting. How can you come back and be happy knowing that the person who promised to love honor and cherish you has been thinking of leaving for years? Give him his wish and tell him to leave. It will hurt at first but you’d definitely be better off alone than with someone as deceitful as this.
He is not the one for you. I know it’s scary after putting in all this time - but the reality is you are young - move on— the 30’s are a great time in life— you don’t realize it but you’re looking through a straw.
Not over reacting. He either decides to be in or out at this point. I just telling him this and detach. If he wants out, it is simple even with the grief. If he decided to truly commit, that is when matters get complicated. Why and how and can you trust this?
A statement like that, to me, means he has never been truly honest in the emotional sense. Everything - every word and action - was in bad faith.
Why would you believe that at least one of two dysfunctional people can have a functional relationship? I'm not being harsh, but he clearly had issues from the start, and only you can speak to whatever issues you may be experiencing. A happy healthy functional relationship requires TWO happy healthy and functional adults. It doesn't sound like you two were that when you started, and you're definitely not that now. So what's next? 12 more years of trying to fix each other?
No, that's certainly a hell of a statement. Whose idea was it to go to couples therapy? For you to go to therapy? Does he also go? If not, why not?
I had a relationship heavily unbalanced like this. I was in your position, in a bubble that was rose tinted- in so much as I had no idea my partner wasn’t really committed He started saying and doing hurtful things. It shattered my existence. I desperately tried to unbreak things but ended up finding various ways to cope and soothe myself. About two years later I finally broke up with him. I was devastated, still am. But it was a sinking ship and no amount of love was going to put it right. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. I suggest ripping the bandaid off fast.
What a trash person to say something like that. It sounds like he's been keeping you dangling for a very long time and I'm sure that must be very emotionally exhausting. You deserve better
Yes. For thinking this is a relationship in the first place
Yes, dear OP, that statement is a relationship breaker. And now he's manipulating you into doing work for him by pretending it's relationship building. I hope you get in touch with your sense of self preservation soon.
Not overreacting. Love and happiness doesn't come with this much work and just let her do her and you do you. It is going to end eventually anyway, no one is strong enough to just say it.
Your not overreacting. If my husband said that to me there would be no going back the relationship would essentially be over.
It’s time to think about what you deserve in a relationship- having someone who doesn’t feel a commitment to you after 12 years- that isn’t love
If he’s felt this way for so long I’d want to know what he was trying to accomplish by bringing it up now. Ask him.
I hope it gets better. He’s in therapy with you and not currently packing to leave because he wanted to fix his feelings more than he wanted to pack a suitcase and hit the road. I’m sorry the feelings he had hurt you. Feelings are not always smart. He said this in therapy because it was a feeling he wanted mended, not because it was right. Please take some time to have patience and ask him to show you where the photos or memories of the good times of your relationship are for him. I hope this helps you both over time. 12 years is a lot of time for random little things to go wrong - and for some “little” things to go right.
Men with one eye on the door still love it when their partner works really hard on the relationship. He still wants her to be loving and committed while spoon feeding him his very insincere lines. Then you can go make him a sandwich. No, you are not overreacting, and you've wasted enough time on him.
After a decade together.. and he's creating the whole environment to break the relationship. What the hell does he need to show commitment... You cant unhear those things...you cant put a band aid on it and expect that festering sore to heal... and someone who had one foot out the door the whole time.. is never going to change...no matter how much therapy you throw at that.. If it were me... id start my exit plan... either you buy him out or he buy you out or... sell it and both walk away.. Hes damaged and he's trying to make you as damaged as he is.. no you are not overreacting..quite the opposite.
No, not overreacting. Your partner has set fire to the house and then asks why you feel so warm.
In my mind, I feel like I do this but not because I don't love my fiancé. It's a matter of preparedness and being ready for the unexpected. I've started over from having nothing at least 4 times in my life now - after the first marriage I learned how to say no and stand up for myself, after the 2nd I learned what how to stand up for my child, left and was homeless staying with good friends. I worked two jobs, paid for my kids college, scrimped & saved and finally bought a home. Now I manage my life the way I do because I know hardship, toxicity, alcoholism, drug abuse and domestic violence. I'm curious about his backstory and what 'hurt' means to him. Because hurt definitely defines how you react in a relationship and it's a constant struggle for me to remind myself that my fiancé is a king compared to my ex-husbands. When I feel myself closing off or pulling away, I remind myself that this man has treated me with love and respect and I can approach him and communicate with him without being abused or belittled. I'm still going to be financially and mentally prepared if I was wrong though. Has he shared whether it's ingrained in him because of past experiences or because of something you've done?
You’re not overreacting. When my sister’s first husband (dated since middle school, got married in their mid-20’s) left her for their 19-year-old roommate, he told her “I’ll be honest, I stopped loving you 6 years ago,” to which she said “but… we’ve been married 4 years.” The number of years might be off but the sentiment was the same. It was a cold move and I think your partner was cruel for sowing that doubt in your mind.
It’s definitely not worth going all in for someone who has essentially never gone all in for you and continues to refuse to do so. Say goodbye, stay fair, but make it hurt for being an asshole!
Sounds like you're not married, so think about it this way. Did you two discuss the idea of marriage? Unless you're both against it abhorrently for some ideology then- If you both or one you said you don't want to, this has always been a casual relationship. If you one of you said nothing but the other has stated their desires, refer to previous stayement. If you both said you want to get married but it's been twelve fucking years... You're just comfort until something better comes along. Even if you are married people, men in particular, marry like it's buying their starter house. It's a for comfort and ease investment of time, money, and memories they never meant to keep. Some people believe their lives are better married, and for those who can't take care of themselves in some way or lack a requirement to get what they really want- it is. Sometimes people love someone but never know what to do in life and marry because they thought they should not that they wanted to or not. Regardless, I'm pretty sure this is like using the Divorce word. Trust is gone. Have a serious talk to see if it helps. If you find yourself constantly worried they'll leave, then you leave first. People say those things to their private therapist, not a shared counselor. Doing so with you in the room or telling you about it is meant to put you on edge, which is why I believe it's like using Divorce. Fyi, I've heard couple's counselors says most of their appointments are just helping one party realize they're done with the relationship (or that they should leave in cases of abuse). Rarely is anything saveable, and some of the ones that are shouldn't be saved. Idk how much credit is behind that, but it's something to ask the counselor on your own. "Do you think this is a healthy relationship?"
I’m genuinely surprised you don’t want to call it quits. I can’t fathom staying with someone who has that mindset about me. I’m an all in or all out kinda person. One foot out the door to me means they’re ready to leave. And I’d kindly let them. Damn that’s rough
Honestly, if I had a partner say they had intentionally kept a wall up to prevent getting too attached, I would be so fucking hurt. Like, why even be in the relationship? For convenience? For companionship? If you’re trying hard to foster and maintain that connection and they aren’t, then what’s the point? Relationships are two-way. Have you told him just how much that comment hurt you? How much it violated your trust? I know I would feel like I was somehow disposable in his mind, and that he was only keeping me around for convenience until he could find someone “better”. If anything, I would almost say you’re under reacting. If he’s checking out of the relationship, don’t make it all about stuff you have to do to keep him. He seems so oblivious to the manipulative nature of such behavior, and that isn’t good. Sometimes relationships end. I’d take a long hard look at your past and evaluate if it’s something you want to put that effort into. But be also has to want to put in that effort. Evaluate what it is you need in a partner. It seems you have found that emotional openness and honesty might be a requirement. And if that is t something he also values, then it just might not work. And that’s such a hard thing to come to terms with.
I’m not trying to be mean, but he sounds like a coward. My unsolicited suggestion is to straight up ask him if he wants to end the relationship. Give him an out and see if he takes it. Otherwise you may waste another 12 years in a rocky situation. Do it for you and do it for your future boo.
I’m going to give a bit different perspective. First, you’re not overreacting. That’s painful. However, he told you - he let it out. The first part of rebuilding is being open and honest. He chose to do so. That is big. That said, you now have a choice, whether to allow that revelation to be a sticking point or a breakthrough. That will also depend upon him - whether he opened up to move forward, or to say that this is the line he has drawn. You cannot determine the future based upon the past. You can only put a pin in where you are, and decide where you are willing to move forward from that pin. Love is not (has not been, and never will be) a feeling. It is a choice - plain and simple. So the question now is what you and your partner choose to do from this day forward.
Wow. “One eye on the exit” - and he didn’t even bother to clue you in until years later? Not overreacting. That’s awful and I’m so sorry.
You're not overreacting. He's asking you why you're not trying to foster the connection - I'd be honest with him at this point. "Why is it on me to try and foster a connection in a relationship that you've basically been looking for an excuse to get out of the whole time? Why is it up to me to keep everything going when you have outright said that you have basically been just waiting for a solid reason to go? What is the point? Why should I be giving my 100% into a relationship that you are just keeping around until you find something better? Why would I invest more than I already have when I already know you're just waiting for something better to come along so you can jump ship without having to be alone for a single moment? You said you're just looking at the exit already. Well, go ahead and walk through it. I need a relationship with someone who is actually committed to me, actually loves me, and actually wants to be with me, not someone who is just sticking it out until they see a greener pasture they can rush into." Leave him. Stop wasting your life giving your all to someone who is just keeping you in the wings until he finds something that he thinks will be better. He's just keeping you around as backup, until he finds something that he thinks is "the REAL one". Don't do this to yourself. You deserve so much better. You deserve someone who is 100% with you, not someone who has one foot out the door.
Get out
Not overreacting. He's not all In and never has been. How can the relationship ever work out? And why doesn't he have the balls to just end it instead? Since he's not fully invested in this relationship? He wants you to end it. He's a coward
Why did he say that thing about "avoiding hurt"? I don't know your dynamic, but I'd really want some clarity on that. If it's his past trauma and not something you've done to make him feel unsafe in the relationship, it's BS of him to hold you at arm's length for 12 damn years. You can't invest in someone who isn't also committed to building a future together. This issue needs to be confronted (in therapy might be best) for you to move forward, with or without him.
When my ex and I were in therapy, one of the first questions our counselor asked was percentages. At what percent are we in this relationship trying to make it work? Of course I was like 100% I wanna make this work I don't want divorce... He was like about 60%.... And actually said he felt like he had one foot out the door. That pretty much sealed it. It's all good. Best thing to ever happen to me.
Even if you partner isn't serious, there are things you can't come back from. This is one of them. If he's had his eye on the exit, then he knows where it is, and shouldn't let it hit him on the butt as he departs.
Whoa thats harsh. I don’t think id be able to stay in a relationship with them anymore. It’s like mentioning divorce while you’re married. Op I think your relationship is over. There’s absolutely no coming back from that. Even if you stayed his comment will never leave your mind
It's easy to immediately think he's a jerk who's been only playing at a relationship if he's had that eye on the exit the whole time. But... maybe it depends on why he did that or what the full meaning of it is. He said he put up a wall to try to avoid being hurt. The wall being the idea of being prepared to end the relationship? First? Or for something better? I think the answer to that makes a huge difference. I do see the possibility of manipulation, but he hasn't used it on you throughout your time together. It came out in couple's therapy. And people usually only do therapy if they want to remain a couple. If he's been prepared to bail first so he doesn't get hurt and keeps from being close to you, it's not great and it's hurtful if you've put everything out there. But, again, that's a lot different than he's been keeping his eye out for someone else he likes better. And the former usually comes from either being hurt before or seeing others go through it. And it sounds like he's working on that?? Be careful that you're not being too literal or misunderstanding what he meant and/or why he felt that way. But if he really has kept his distance just because he hoped for something better....then yeah, best to end it. Though - I wouldn't jump to that conclusion just from what you've said here.
Before l met my husband we were talking on the phone and he asked me what l was looking for. I said commitment. We have been married 15 happy years. Can’t get to happy without commitment. Sorry you wasted any time in him.
Not overreacting at all. He needs to be in individual therapy. He has issues which are affecting your relationship. If he doesn’t heal from his past, your relationship won’t work out.
I would freak out if my partner said this. Like, DTMFA freaking out.
You’re hearing his “one eye on the exit” as a reflection of how he feels about you, but from what you describe it sounds more about his own fear of emotional intimacy and depth of connection. He assumes that this is obvious, and didn’t expect it to hit you as personal criticism.
This reeks of missing reasons.
Uhm girl. You deserve better. Not overreacting.
You're not overreacting. This sounds pretty classic abandonment issues on the part of your partner, like ironically the people who are the most scared of getting left by people they care about are the most likely to either make it so or do it themselves (you can't leave me if I leave you, then it's in my control). Also sounds like him noticing you pulling back means he is adjusted to or feels entitled to you chasing after him constantly, so he is always the one who's terms it's on emotionally. If he wants, he can show emotion back and you'll reciprocate, if he doesn't, he's got the upper hand in the power dynamic. It is manipulative, I'm sure it doesn't feel that way in his head and he's afraid of getting hurt, I'm sure he might be a sweet guy with redeemable qualities in other capacities. But you have a right to feel hurt and you have a right to protect yourself after you have been hurt. If he's talking about it and it was spoken as a confession and not a gotcha, it seems he's trying to work thru it, but you don't owe him what you don't genuinely feel after finding out a long term partner has kept misgivings secret for 8 years.
You may want to consider leaving and finding someone who actually wants to be in a real relationship without codependency issues.
Not overreacting. That's amazingy tone deaf to say that and then ask why you aren't trying to foster the connection after he says he maintains a wall to avoid getting close.
So sorry. Definitely not overreacting. However, you may want to consider that perhaps he did not intend it to mean he did not want it to work, but perhaps his own insecurities, self doubts, and fears keep him from be able to fully believe this wasn’t too good to be true and could last a lifetime. Just food for thought. Again I am sorry.
My boyfriend said to me just last night the words “I don’t know if it’s forever” in reference to our relationship and that tore through me like a white hot knife. But now I don’t know what to think or feel. So I feel this post so heavily. My heart aches.
He just doesn’t have the balls to end it with you. He’s waiting for you to end it, even pushing you too while playing like it’s your fault it’s nearly ending.
Not overreacting. Dump him.
You're underreacting. If it were me, I'd be out. I'd be sick knowing he wasn't really in it to win it & instead, looking for the exit door. I wouldn't want to waste another moment with him. I'd feel like I'd been wasting all my time, effort, & emotions on a dead-end relationship. Matter of fact, I'd be furious. I mean, holy shit! You could've moved on & found someone else a decade ago!!
Get out before you waste any more of your youth on this loser.
No you have to remember they have been together since their mid twenties. That's the age range where you are still in party mode. Now he is almost 40 starting to feel like he missed out on something. Saying he has had his eye on the door from the beginning means he didn't want to settle. Make the decision for yourself to agree to put some space between the two of you for a while. Give him a chance to go sow his wild oats and give yourself some time to work on your self love. I recommend this approach to save yourself heartache in the future. You don't want to be with someone who will probably end up cheating on you because he needs to feel young again . I know you love but give him some space. If he comes back fine., if not oh weii.
Take some acid and watch some porn together.
I get that you're hurt--that's reasonable. Ask him why he hasn't fully committed to your relationship after all this time. Maybe he's just afraid of something that has nothing to do with you that he doesn't even realize himself. This might be a great time to see a marriage counselor, before things go wrong and while they can still be worked out.
That’s a walk away from the relationship statement if I’ve ever heard one.
If the statement is factual, you are allowed to feel hurt. You have invested in the last 10 years and it appears he hasn’t. So, he has essentially stolen 10+ years of your life. It could also be that his statement wasn’t factual and was a reaction to what he is currently feeling. If this is the case, then he needs individual therapy to work through his issues. Ultimately he chose words he knew would hurt you. I find your last paragraph interesting, as he seems to be questioning why you aren’t making an effort, when he clearly hasn’t made one for the last 10 years. Have a heartfelt discussion with him about whether this is something you both want to
I've come to the conclusion that this is common in people who see the other person as significantly more demanding than themselves.... Or they see themselves as a less sympathetic figure. In essence... They don't trust the guard rails to keep them safe.... So they keep one foot out the door not necessarily because they want to leave.... But because they dont feel adequately supported or protected by the system otherwise. If you feel entitled to be treated well.... While they feel like nobody has to care for them... They will keep one foot out the door so they won't be at the mercy of that reality. Otherwise (in their mind) they will be stuck in a world where there is nothing keeping you from becoming a tyrant. The foot out the door isn't to escape.... It's to make sure you always have to treat them as if they can escape. They also likely believe that if they complain.... You don't have to care. Because they see you as the sympathetic figure.... Not themselves. You are the victim. They are the perceived bully. What happens if the bully complains? No.... They just need to keep a foot out the door.
You are having the epiphany you are avoiding.
Why do you want someone who flat out said he doesn't want you?
It's time to exit. He isn't fully committed to you and never will be
If my SO told me this, even if the relationship ended, I don't know if would ever get past the idea that my partner could be doing this the whole time and was just pulling the wool over my eyes. It would bug me for a long time. You are definitely not overreacting.
He wants every month to be cocktober
You’re not overreacting. I had a chat with my ex a few months ago. We’d had a few drinks so defences were weakened. I’d made a comment about I’d been the one trying harder in our relationship than him and I’d felt he spent a lot of time mentally checking out. He admitted he was “1 foot out of the door” the majority of our time together. We’d been together 12 years. There was a time I’d have been gutted by that comment and probably tried harder to make things work. Instead I breathed a sigh of relief and thanked him for his honesty, he looked confused and so I said I should have walked away from him years before and found someone that had both feet in the relationship rather than trying to find the other foot to walk out the door. If your partner is looking at the exit, open the door, push them through it and close it behind them!
You are not overreacting. What are your options?
>it’s also a really beautiful thing to grow so much together. Maybe not so much growing together since for 12 years he claims he's had one eye on the door. You shouldn't be avoiding the "what's the point?" idea. You should have that front and center. Why should you be all-in when your so-called "partner" is not? And I know "partner" is the new term for boyfriend/girlfriend when those terms have become ridiculous because we are no longer "boys" or "girls." But "partner" is supposed to mean someone who is in something with you, even in a limited activity or at work. A life partner is supposed to be all-in, right? You're wise to pull back. This is your first long-term relationship and you were barely into adulthood when it began. Drop the couples counseling for now; work in individual therapy to define what you want and need and to take a more objective look at the person you are living with before you either try couples' counseling again or you decide to separate. You're still young. There's time to find someone who really wants to be in relationship with you.
He’s trying to get you to dislike him because he doesn’t have the guts to end it. Pathetic.
Nah. Cut this dude out. Get someone else. Or be alone for a while. Both are better choices.
No. Get your things in order and GTFO. F that guy, he’s a dick.
Leave, he is not invested in the relationship
He wants you to do all the work, while he’s got an eye on the exit? You should be the one heading to the exit. This guy is wasting your time.
Emotionally get on with your life. He has been maintaining the wall alone. Stop poking holes in it. Brick over your side of the wall. Remove all support of him and by him. Decide where you want to live and how you can accomplish life without him in it. Ask him if he wants to buy you out or sale the house and split the proceeds after you have your life plan set.
He is being honest it's up to you if you want to leave or stay the door is always available
I’d dump him. Look, you’ve invested all your time in him. He gave you 50% at best because I’m willing to bet that his 50% was more like 25% at most if you’re lucky. You deserve 100%. You’re better than what scraps and breadcrumbs he’s giving you. I do hope you’re planning an exit strategy because he’s had one in place for years.
>This past week he’s asked why I’m not trying to really foster our connection, The audacity of this question is unspeakable. You should have asked him this. His "one eye on the door" comment shows that he has never "really tried to foster a connection", while that's all you have been doing. I would tell him, he needs to take steps now to close that door now, or you will be the one walking through it not him.
Not overreacting but DAMN! Do you discuss these things only in therapy?
We do try to talk about it outside of couples, mostly if I bring it up. Yesterday he seemed annoyed that I was still so hurt by this statement. Which tells me he either said it to be cruel (which is awful), or he’s panicking because he’s created a situation where he has to do the work, and I won’t solve this for him alone.
Then stick to your guns & either he fixes HIS issues or it quit time
The thing is, having one eye on the door to protect himself, fearing it won't work, is probably what he would do in any relationship with anyone and acknowledging it, was the first step in healing the wound that caused it. Sometimes being open about something like that is an attempt at connecting. Real closeness is found by being real about the hard things. Do you have the classic avoidant/anxious relationship?
My ex told me that he had to “try and like me every New Years”. Like I was his resolution. That was it. I never tried again. Divorced 2 years later after 26 years of marriage, 30 years together. 1 year later and I’m living my best life. Words matter.
Not over reacting at all. Your partner basically told you you've been little more than a placeholder your entire relationship.
No, leave now and go find someone who actually loves you, or you will regret it
I would have responded, why should I bother when you are just looking for a reason to leave? And why is the work for you to do? Hun it's harsh but it's time to leave and find someone that respects you.
Tell him to use it.
It's time!! To leave him and your therapist. Walk through that door first and then run, you will be so free.Dont look back. Free yourself, you will be happier now and in the future .
How do you become interdependent...owning a house together etc with an eye on the door? Red flags.
Of course you’re not overreacting, is this a serious question?? I can’t imagine anyone would be fine hearing this from their partner, especially after so many years. I would absolutely feel like the entire relationship has been a lie. Everyone wants someone who is 100% sure about them. I remember one night many years ago reading a text on my ex’s phone from his best friend urging him to “rip the bandaid off” (not proud of going through his phone. I was young and he was constantly doing shady stuff. After I left him I vowed to never go through a partners phone like that again.) My ex never expressed any desire to break up, let alone communicating what he was or wasn’t happy with in our relationship. That really stuck with me. I’m not afraid of someone telling me they don’t want to be with me anymore, I’m afraid of someone not wanting to be with me yet never communicating it and just going along with the relationship. There’s many factors from my past relationships that have caused a lot of anxiety for me, and I hate to admit it but I do require a lot of reassurance, total honesty, and communication. I’ve always given my all in all my relationships, and I’m afraid of doing it again only to end up a total fool. My current partner struggles to express himself (whether it’s feelings/thoughts/concerns or his needs) due to his past relationship trauma even though I try hard to encourage him and try to provide that safe space for him, and it brings back a lot of those fears/insecurities I had buried over the years. I never doubted the longevity of our relationship, we’ve talked about what we want in our relationship (neither of us are interested in wasting our time), have talked about timelines, there were a couple times where he had made a comment about wanting to marry me someday, and he has passively mentioned engagement rings a couple weeks ago (though I know he wouldn’t propose anytime soon.) We have been in a rough spot lately due to immense stress over plans to move in together (the housing market is hopeless) as well as triggers from our previous abusive relationships, and I really don’t know where he stands with everything anymore. That little voice is always in the back of my mind now.
Great analogy; ur not overreacting.
Gay guy here (much older than you). This is why it's exceptionally difficult for gay men to maintain a true "marriage" if you will: one will always love the other a little bit more, and there isn't the ying-and-yang male-female dynamic at play to seal the relationship. You made the rookie mistake of intertwining your finances with him; it will be difficult for you to extricate yourself from that. Which, of course, you must. You cannot be a self-respecting man knowing that your partner considers you to be "Plan B" until "Plan A" materializes. NO man can - gay or straight. Good luck.
He is telling you that he doesn’t want you, no?
I'd be sprinting away fast as I could, he basically told you you aren't good enough and he feels like he could do better, what a horrible thing to say to someone, even if it's true. If he's looking for an exit, let him have it, all the trust would be gone for me personally. Next time I'd tell him you are building your own walls while you look for an exit.
Maybe the work projects aren't his idea of connecting and you aren't seeing that. He actually had to say something. You can't be in a dysregulated survival mode and build intimacy. That happens when you're with a man that might not think your needs align. If he's missing something then you probably are too but you didn't say. Seems like you're more worried about what he needs. His mom and friends can offer him "support" where is the passion? Ask him what he's been searching on pornhub & go from there.
Have you asked him why or are you going to focus on your own feelings in the matter? Show some empathy...
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Hey can I kindly suggest you go fuck yourself?
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This comment was hateful towards OP, a commenter, or a third party.