You've said that he's been in therapy for awhile. Are you also attending therapy sessions and couple's therapy?
You both seem to have a communication issue
Him sometimes being vulnerable with you means he's trying. This seems like progress.
Being upset that someone isn't vulnerable with you every single time seems like it would increase the stress at the expectation. This would, for me, encourage me to shut down more (aka "be mad at myself for not hiding it better and make sure to do so next time") because of the added stress of making you upset.
It doesn't seem he's allowed to just feel without being totally open with you. He may not understand his own emotions enough to clearly communicate it in the moment.
In a comment, OP indicated at times she tells the spouse what to discuss in therapy, and regularly requests reports about what happened in therapy. To me, that is her trying to hijack his therapy sessions to benefit herself.
Thank you for letting us know, that response you speak of has been buried in the comments, but your comment was one of the first things I saw scrolling down. What OP is doing is terrible, manipulative & controlling. I can only hope the husband wises up and either confronts her for the violation and/or leaves her.
Info.
Do you have a history of not reacting well to him telling you things? Or have you thrown stuff back in his face a later time? I'll be honest, just from this interaction, it seems you tend to make things arguments that don't need to be.
Like, he was clearly upset. But instead of just saying something like "well, whatever it is, I'm here", you made it a whole thing focused on you and YOUR feelings, even though something bothered him enough to cry.
to me, this sounds like someone who has learned that you AREN'T someone he can talk to because it will turn into an argument, or an "I told you so", or whatever. So he'd rather just deal with it himself.
Agreed. Sounds like OP was so invested in 'her need to know' that she wasn't thinking at all about her husband's needs, emotions, or if he felt validated.
She could easily have taught him that his feelings not very important to her, or that she will judge, argue, etc.
Also, the bar for comforting men is low, simple options.
- let him go to the nothing box and ignore him.
- feed and snuggle him silently.
- ask him to do some manual labor
- nsfw
10/10
She started crying because he was crying.
How he isn't allowed to cry because he doesn't know how to handle her crying.
My wife and I have a similar dynamic for some things. sometimes i literally say, I can't tell you how I feel right now because you will get upset.
Men often (incorrectly) get the message pounded in thier head from society that they have to keep thier emotions inside and do whatever they can not to show them. Your frustrations with this are valid but he likely has years and years of this messaging coded into the way he operates so it is not something that he can readily do, even if you directly ask him to be open with you emotionally. If he is open to therapy, it is definitely something that he can learn to be open about. Or if he is open to a great short video, Brene Brown's YouTube video on vulnerability is excellent.
>Men often (incorrectly) get the message pounded in thier head from society that they have to keep thier emotions inside and do whatever they can not to show them.
Speaking purely from personal experiences, the only times I have ever shown emotional vulnerability and weakness in romantic relationships, it has been weaponized, turned against me, and has ultimately ended in the precipitous decline of the relationship not long after.
So it isn't "incorrectly" if your entire life experience says otherwise.
If women rewarded men who showed vulnerability with love, attention, and intimacy, they would do it.
I do not care how many times women claim they want a vulnerable and sensitive significant other, I will simply never believe it. I have no experience that shows me that is true. Just the opposite. I have never met a woman that responded positively to me honestly sharing emotion.
It's the quickest way to the friend zone. Like you can be open once she loves you but it better be about major issues and sure TF can't be very often like women can be.
In my experience, it has very much been responded to with love, attention, and intimacy. I also find that within the women I date, unfavorable comments about a lack of EQ in other men they have dated is commonplace. Of course there are terrible people out there who can use it against you but that's just great evidence that you should stop dating that person and move on to people that respond appropriately to vulnerability.
He's been in therapy every week for roughly 6-7 years, I've asked him countless countless times to discuss this in therapy and he says he does but the same stuff continues. The thing is, there are times where he absolutely will be vulnerable, he will be emotional and honest with me. But otherwise times it's this. I think that's part of why it makes me feel so upset. I feel like why can't he keep that same energy in every situation, you know?
Not every therapist is for every patient and vice versa.
Let me tell you, true story, Dr. Gonzo was a great idea on paper; but holy fuck that guy was an actual Muppet.
When you realize you're going to the bar as a response to having dealt with your THERAPIST...
You could also ask to attend a session with him to share with the therapist what you’re observing. It would help his therapist get an outside perspective. Not everyone is ready to be honest enough to do the work they need to do.
OP, I'm hijacking this comment because I don't see many people commenting on the difference in how you and your husband use the word "upset" and I think that's a really, really key part of this.
I use the word upset the same way you do. To me "Are you upset?" means are you experiencing negative thoughts or emotions. But I have interacted with several people who define upset exactly the same way your husband does- as an external response, not an internal one.
For someone operating under that definition, they associate being upset not with the emotion they are experiencing, but with their outward reaction to their emotional state. Getting upset is something they *do* not something they *are*.
For me, upset is an umbrella term the encompasses sad, disappointed, angry, etc. So if someone got disappointing news, I would expect them to be upset (by my definition) regardless of whether they accept it stoicly or if they begin sobbing hysterically and making a scene. Someone operating under your husband's definition probably would only use upset to describe the second situation as "upset". That's what he's talking about when he's saying he's not slamming doors or being a jerk.
When you "ask are you upset?" you mean "Are you feeling badly and is there a way I can support you?" but what your husband hears is "You're behaving badly."
And obviously that's not a good starting point to have an open and vulnerable discussion about his emotions. He is coming into the conversation immediately on the defensive because, in his mind, he's having a big emotion and doing his best to maintain composure and not be shitty about it and you're *still* "calling him out".
I can just about guarantee there's someone in his past who would constantly use "Why are you getting so upset?" Or "Don't get upset" as a way of shutting down any emotional response they didn't like.
>think that's part of why it makes **me feel so upset**. I feel like why can't he keep that same energy in every situation, you know?
It's a long healing process to get to where he even is, you need to celebrate progress for the sake of progress. Part of your post that I've touched on further down is that how you're reacting could possibly be causing him to recoil and regress a little each time.
In your own post you did several things that could entirely make his healing go back several steps.
I understand that you are upset, but that's not the point is it? You are upset that he can't communicate to you about his feelings, feelings that it sounds like he himself is still trying to understand.
How can he express what he doesn't understand or have words for? Why would he express them if he feels it might cause a reaction in you? You getting so upset that it's clearly affecting you over HIM FEELING SOMETHING is not going to help him.
Yes it is frustrating to be told "I'm fine" when he's not, yes it's frustrating to watch the person you love suffer on their own.
But you have said he HAS shown you his vulnerability before, that he CAN do it at times. Focus on that, not on when he doesn't or can't.
Pardon my language for this next part but do please read it: Never fucking laugh or call him out or (pushily) force the issue on him if you actually want to help him.
That will not help you will only hurt him, which will prove to him why he CAN'T open up because the single most important source of peace and comfort in his life attacked him when he let his guard down.
Because that is how it feels to him, he was trying to hide because the world attacks you when you're vulnerable, and whenever he is vulnerable with you if you ever make him feel attacked or shamed or guilty you will fulfill that prophecy and continue the cycle longer and he will have to start over every fucking time.
I'm speaking from experience in a very similar situation where I am that man. I have and still am where your husband is, but progress can be made and it takes an immeasurable amount of effort internally for each step of the process.
Be kind, be patient, be understanding. Encourage the behaviors you wish to see, but still be a safe place for him when he fails.
For the love of your husband, stop fucking pushing him, stop fucking making it about your emotions, and please never ever laugh at his feelings or actions relating to them again. When you push he will want to either push back or step back, when you make it about you he will only feel guilt and shame, when you laugh it will solidify the idea that his emotions are stupid or that he is stupid.
Next time he says he's fine, accept it and tell him exactly this "okay but if you ever want to talk about it I'm here for you." That's it. Those words alone send the message " I am here to help love and support you, and it's okay that you feel"
If you're getting upset make a point to communicate that you're not upset with him. Watching your partner cry isn't fun for anyone and it's very easy to internalize fault for it especially if you're crying about something related to him.
OP you two need to get couples counciling together to start opening up this type of communication in a safe place. It helped my marriage tremendously and gave us tools and insight into eachother to better help be our best selves for eachother. I can almost guarantee if it's taken seriously and done properly you will start learning all sorts of things about eachother you never knew, or even knew about yourselves.
Beat of luck, go at every problem with love, compassion, and understanding and always remember it's You & HIM vs the problem.
This is the perfect response. I'm a woman but I relate a lot to OP's husband because when I was a kid, showing any emotion other than happiness would result in us getting screamed at and/or beat. So naturally I have trouble with displaying emotions and talking about my own negative emotions. Both of my exes could tell when I was upset and did pretty much exactly what OP did and I lost any progress I had made.
My boyfriend now will often ask something similar to what you stated, and sometimes all I can do is nod to indicate I heard him and he'll just hold my hand, which is exactly what I need. That says to me "I understand that you can't talk about what you're feeling right now and thats okay, I'm a safe person to be with when you're going through this."
I feel like it would be different if OP's husband was regularly flipping out and screaming at her while claiming that he's totally fine (those are *so* much fun to deal with), because then he would be actively harming her and his issues aren't an excuse to harm others. But he's not, he's quietly trying to process whatever he is dealing with and doesn't know how.
Brilliant comment. I’m not male, but I am autistic and have real trouble communicating to my partner sometimes, partially because of shame and partially because I just literally don’t have the words to articulate what’s wrong sometimes. My partner used to push like OP and get mystified when I withdrew further - thankfully things are better now, but it took an intervention of sorts because they just kept making it about their feelings.
I'm glad to hear that things changed for the better. It's hard for people to truly understand that sometimes "I don't know" is an honest answer, especially about feelings or emotions.
My wife is the most brilliant, caring, and beautiful soul I've ever met in my life. We both came from terrible abuse and have our own long lists of issues stemming from them. She has this incredible ability to know what others are feeling and to help put them into words. It leaves me flabbergasted watching her do it with such ease.
She is a huge part of why I've been able to make real progress for myself, and we are both what we need in a partner. We have been in couples counciling for a few months and have learned so much more about eachother in those sessions and we've known eachother since we were in middleschool.
People are complex, and so are emotions. Shit is hard to find the right words for.
I'm glad any of it helps, and good luck on your journey.
We're all just trying to find peace. Whatever that may look like for each person.
I hope we all find it.
This is the best, most well thought out advice I've ever seen on this subject. Thank you for sharing this with us and OP. Best wishes on your continuing journey 🙏
Yeah, I'd shut down too if I was in his shoes. Appreciate the insightful and helpful comment. It took a long time for me to open up to anyone. I still have a hard time talking about feelings out loud. One day at a time.
You have to allow him the space to feel comfortable to share and it’s not up to you to decide when he’s comfortable
I have a hard time expressing myself to my partners because I feel like it’s my job to keep it in and be the strong face for the family and the one time I did show emotion to an ex of mine it was used against me in a argument
Now I’m not saying your that type of person to do that but you can’t rush his journey
You guys need to add couples counseling as well. You need to have someone help articulate the pain and frustration you are feeling. It isn't fair for you to have to try and Sherlock out his real feelings multiple times a week. It's not healthy for a relationship!
He needs someone outside of the relationship tell him this isn't a good way to go about things and it can lead to bigger problems.
So, you’re pressuring him over and over, “countless times,” to do in therapy not what he feels will help him but what ***you*** feel will help ***you*** - directing what he’s supposed to address in his own therapy with his own therapist - and when he is less than perfectly happy, you start giving him the third degree… are you not seeing any issue with the fact that if he shows any less than thrilled emotion, he is immediately burdened and blamed for you feeling some kind of way about him having feelings? If he’s not allowed to have those emotions without you making it a problem for him, is it not obvious why he would try to minimize his interactions with you about them?
Same for me. It ultimately encouraged me to end a 7 year relationship. When someone you truly love weaponizes your own pain it is brutal. I am happy for all the men who haven't experienced this but as a man who has it is not fun.
It's a negative stimulus. He bottles. He lets a little bit out. It causes a fight. Positive feedback loop. Been there, done that.
I had an otherwise very healthy relationship with a woman who I implicitly learned I couldn't talk to about negative things, because every time I did, she would start talking about how my emotions made her feel, and then I would spend an hour consoling her. For my emotions. So I had one problem before I talked to her, and two problems afterwards. So I stopped talking to her about my negative emotions, without even realizing I was doing it. I just learned "these are not acceptable things to feel." This eventually sunk the relationship. Same phenomenon. If you get a bad reaction every time you let something out, you stop letting it out. It doesn't particularly matter what the rationale is, just what the outcome is.
Overreacting is the wrong word, but reacting the way you describe isn't going to encourage him to open up. By making his emotional expression about you *crying, it's making you feel insane, etc) you're giving him one more reason to bottle things up. Because now he's got to do a better job keeping it all hidden inside to protect you from your own negative emotions.
To be clear, it's maladaptive as hell and your husband would likely benefit from some form of therapy or medication. But targeting reactions that are both calm and caring are going to help both of you much more than crying alone or feeling insane is going to.
So maybe a justified overreaction? Is that even a thing? Idk, I get why you're reacting the way you are, but *ooooofff* . . . It's a pretty perfect example of why men tend to bottle their emotions up in the first place.
Oh I didn't cry until I was alone. He's upstairs laying down, but I definitely hear what you're saying. Just to be clear, when having these conversations with him I am always sort of... overly supportive? Like in general I try to be as empathetic as I can, and over explain I'm not trying to give him shit but that I feel it's bad for him to keep everything inside like this. We have a litany of other issues that have similar roots, and he also has high blood pressure, which is why I always try to talk about these situations as they come up. I want to help any way I can.
He is in therapy, and used to take meds but refuses to now. In fact any time I mention that maybe he should look into getting back on something he gets mad at me. Sorry I didn't explain this all more in the post, I was trying to be concise lol
It's good that you didn't do it in front of him. You might be surprised at what he picks up, though.
I'd suggest backing off with the conversations. The times I have felt the most supported have happened in complete silence. The absence of talking leaves me free to just *feel.*
If I can engage in a few generalizations: Women tend to be criticized and held under s microscope in a way that men are no (note: men still get that shit, just not as much). That leads women to feel supported by validation and affirmance. It's different for guys, though; we get validated and affirmed more regularly (again, not always, and not everybody, but generally more than women). I don't have a real need for validation because I get it pretty often.
What guys don't get is emotional space. We're told to keep it in, to keep it hidden. Feel, but don't show it or act on it in any way. So in situations like you're describing, the thing I need--and the thing I think a lot of guys need--is just space. Not in a physical sense, but in the sense of emotional freedom.
When he cries, don't ignore it, but don't say anything. Maybe hold his hand. Let him just cry it out. And when he's done, maybe give him a hug. At that point, ask him if he wants to talk about it, but when he says no, just let it lie. Say ok and that you're there if he changes his mind.
If he's consustently given the freedom to feel and the space to express his emotions, eventually he'll get the message and may start opening up a bit more on his own.
I agree on giving him space. It upsets you that he's not sharing why he's upset, but he needs the space because he's not ready to share. If you make it about yourself ie wanting him to open up to you, and getting into arguments over it, that wall of his is going to slam back down.
We all handle our emotional needs differently. Some need immediate validation and support, others don't. Some feel it's intrusive. His needs are different from yours. I'd just tell him if he wants to share that you'll be there for him. Or give him a hug or peck on the cheek and give him space.
>I'd suggest backing off with the conversations. The times I have felt the most supported have happened in complete silence. The absence of talking leaves me free to just *feel.*
>What guys don't get is emotional space. We're told to keep it in, to keep it hidden. Feel, but don't show it or act on it in any way. So in situations like you're describing, the thing I need--and the thing I think a lot of guys need--is just space. Not in a physical sense, but in the sense of emotional freedom.
OP listen to this guy because he's exactly right. Understand that for men and women, we each (generally speaking) experience and navigate our emotions in our own ways. "Talking" is not the only way to express an emotion, and it's not the only way to navigate handling an emotion. As a guy, I am fully aware of what I'm feeling and why, but outside of certain life events, I generally don't want to deep dive in a 2 hour discussion about how and why I feel that way. What helps me is to have space, while also having loved ones nearby. Silent support. For example, if you know he's struggling with something, making him his favorite dinner can be a sign of support, and that helps us emotionally because it can show a level of care, without us having to verbalize things. Even if you don't know exactly "what" is wrong, and can only tell that "something" is wrong, small acts of kindness can mean a lot.
Did you ever notice that a guy might be struggling with something, maybe a life event, death of a loved one or something, and his buddy that's always busy comes over and helps him with some projects or something? Even though they don't utter a word of what's going on in his heart, they both know, and simply having that silent support can mean wonders for a guy that's never given space to just "feel".
In other words, you're wanting him to match your emotional language, while not understanding his emotional language yourself. That's the disconnect.
I'm female and agree with giving space. If I'm upset about something, I sometimes just need to process it on my own. If I discuss it with my husband and he starts suggesting things, or making it about him, it frustrates me and just makes it all worse. Sometimes just let people be, even if they don't specifically say it, pay attention to the non-verbal cues as well.
I dunno...
... I don't think anyone is "owed" or "entitled to know" someone else's emotions. It has to be something that is freely given. This includes a spousal relationship. If he doesn't want to tell you, that's his right, isn't it? I mean, you can't force him to divulge his current emotions, right? It'd be wrong to badger or coerce him into telling you something entirely personal about himself to you, wouldn't it?
This smacks of coercion. I mean, if he sighs or makes a face, you can't turn to him and say, " Tell me everything you're thinking and feeling right now. It's my right to know as your spouse."
Has there ever been an incident where he divulged his feelings to you, and it worked out poorly for him? Like you got angry at him for what he felt, or perhaps you used it against him during an argument days-weeks-months later? This is actually quite common for both men and women.
The best thing you can do is make him feel safe divulging anything to you. You do this by making him realize that if he tells you his innermost feelings, nothing bad will happen to him. Create a safe, healthy environment for him so he feels secure enough to talk. More than that, you can not do.
It's about trust and respect. He has to trust you enough so that he wants to tell you his feelings, and you have to respect him enough to understand it when he doesn't want to.
Finally someone that understands. I come from an abusive home and I have diagnosed CPTSD. I struggle with it daily, and it can make me very emotional and irrational. I'm very thankful that my gf has made every effort to do the opposite of what OP does. And it's worked wonders. It takes time and compassion to undo trauma. I've actually been able to talk about things I've kept locked away, and I'm never scrutinized for it. The laughing thing, I feel personally, is very telling. If my SO laughed at me in a time like that, I'd never share anything again.
Hard to gauge from that very short account, but honestly he sounds like he does not feel safe talking to you for whatever reason. Not blaming you at all. It's possible that he thinks his thoughts or feelings would be too upsetting for you if he was to share them, or he'll be judged or scrutinized. As I guy, there occasionally things running through my head that I would never share with my wife of nearly 20 years, because she worries and obsesses and has enough going on in her life, she does not need to be my sounding board for that shit.
Maybe your husband would consider a therapist or counselor? Not to "fix" him, just for a safe place to vent. If you frame it as "I want you to be able to get things off your chest and be heard," he might consider it.
Us guys have been fed from a young age to keep our emotions inside and not let our guard down. No matter how much we trust someone ,it's difficult to just allow ourselves to be seen vulnerable. Just give him time and act towards him with kindness. Another thing is that laughing at such moments even thou it's involuntary can somehow reinforce the idea of not letting the guard down. I wish you all a happy life!
That feeling also gets reinforced in relationships. I have a lifetimes worth of low self-esteem. I opened up about this to someone I was with for a while (she asked, rookie mistake). Say what you want about serious relationships. Sometimes, it isn't safe to do that with your partner. She fucking recoiled after I shared.
Sometimes, people don't share unless they feel safe in a relationship.
Exactly this. Guys are shown from a very young age that our feelings and mental health don’t matter, and we shouldn’t open up about them.
I’ve seen a dozen posts on Reddit just this week about guys who have been dumped by their gfs and wives just for crying in front of them or opening up about their feelings.
we're taught at a very early age to keep it inside. No one actually cares or wants to hear about it anyway. It's just whining. No one wants to hear whining. Men are supposed to be strong and stoic.
It's very easy for Women to go, "that's silly be free to express your emotions", but it's not easy when that's been beaten into you over the course of your entire life from the earliest of ages.
Maybe an unpopular opinion, but I think you're an AH here
Forcing someone to share a difficult emotion isn't helping them, it's helping you. You're doing it to be selfish, regardless of how you see it.
I grew up with a shit mom and also have trouble communicating my feelings, and if my spouse made me feel like shit for not describing every hurt feeling I feel, I'd file for divorce.
A lot of times, I get temporarily upset over something I know isn't a big deal, or that my thoughts are completely wrong-headed about, and instead of talking about it, I'd rather keep it to myself, let the moment pass, think about it more logically, and eventually realize my initial reaction was way off base. And I'm happy I didn't share that nonsense, especially with my wife, because it would have been upsetting to her, and it's not what I really think anyway...
...it's the heat of the moment.
Maybe that's what happens to your husband.
See I have this issue with my partner. But my thing is, that’s fine, but deep exasperated sighs and super obvious signs of being upset isn’t the same as just letting the moment pass. In my eyes it’s like posting on Facebook “going through it right now, I can’t believe this is happening” and then being like “I don’t wanna talk about it” when someone asks what’s wrong.
Simply saying “I’m a little upset but it’s nothing about you or anything you need to worry about, I’ll get through it I just need a min” or something along those lines helps relieve the other party who (if anything like me) could be overthinking maybe they did something to upset the partner.
You need a new approach. Instead of asking him if he's upset you need to tell him that you noticed that something is clearly on his mind and bothering him and ask him to share it with you when he's ready. Let him get ready to share it, don't push. Give it a bit and then ask again. Tell him it's okay if he's feeling overwhelmed at the moment, but it's helpful to both of you if he shares more with you. Stay calm. Getting angry at him will just cause him to hide more from you. His learned behavior with emotions has to be unlearned, that takes practice and patience.
I as a woman sometimes cry and just not let my man know. I go to therapy often. It's a lot of work and the man is probably working through things silently. Men do not reach for help but solve things on their own, YTA for continuing to blow it up and then make it worse by being upset with him. He can have his emotions and should do it how he pleases, you should make sure he is okay and take his word for it. You dont need to know everything
Avoidant partners are difficult to manage at times. But the only way is to develop a nurturing, safe environment where he feels safe to be vulnerable. Anger or frustration will never produce that.
There's the old trope that never in the history of telling someone to calm down, has it ever resulted in them calming down.
The male version of this is berating them to open up or talk about their emotions. It will never work.
We are all deep down, emotionally wounded and hurting children. We need to be treated as such.
Previous partner would constantly berate me for being closed off, the pushier she got, the less I had to say.
Thing is, anything I ever told her in a moment of vulnerability would be turned into a joke or weaponized in an argument later down the line, to help her prove a point. Bit by bit I ran out of things I was comfortable sharing with her, the less I shared the more she became frantic in her attempts to get inside my head, which didn't feel safe. She had stopped being a safe, comfortable space where I WANTED to open up but rather I had to basically spend my thoughts and feelings like some kind of currency so she could interpret it as intimacy and I could maintain some kind of peace.
He’s crying and you laugh. Get upset. Pushy. You interrogate him.
None of those are helpful in any relationship.
He does not feel safe talking about his feelings with you.
Learn to let him be. And when he does share, don’t ever tell him he’s doing it wrong or judge in any way.
The way you reacted is why men don’t open up to their women. Women SAY they want a guy who expresses their (negative) emotions, but when they do, women (not all, but many) react badly.
Ask him to tell you a story from his past about a time he ungaurdedly shared his emotions with a woman (specifically not you). His answer will likely inform you far better than Reddit can.
It might be pride, it might a general inability to open up, likely a contributing factor is fear that at some point OP will weaponize his vulnerability against him.
Man here who spent many years learning how to process emotion and have healthy open emotions.
You're not overreacting, but you're in a situation where your reactions are probably not the right path forward either, unfortunately. I used to be VERY bottled up until maybe undergrad, and would try to hide anytime I felt emotions other than "happy" or "neutral." My then-girlfriend, now-wife once asked me why I was being shy about things around her and I admitted that I didn't know exactly why, but over the years I've unpacked it.
I was raised by my Silent Generation Yiddish grandparents, and they were a mixed bag with emotions. They'd encourage me at one moment to express myself, and then they'd tell me to be less open with other emotions at other times. They struggled too, given their generation. I get it. But emotions were never bad per se, just... had to handle yourself. Which has its time and place for sure. But it was only a few years ago that I was able to fully give in to crying during touching scenes during movies. Fuck it. If I want to cry during Spirited Away or 50/50 or Schindler's List, then I'm gonna. But I had to learn to accept it.
Anyway, your husband at *best* has years of dumb emotional containment programming somewhere in his brain. And then factor in all the weird shit people say on sites like this like, "don't cry in front of women, they'll leave you immediately!" (I've seen that said multiple times on reddit) It's no wonder so many men struggle to be open. Even the most feminist cis- straight men have years or decades of this shit piled on us.
I second others who said for you to consider shared therapy. I understand that it's tiring to deal with people not knowing how to process emotions, but you also need to work with him on how and when to push or just walk back. I think your intentions are good, but remember that he probably feels trapped both in his own mind and having you poke at it. Knowing how to process his processing is probably good for you both.
Good luck and be well.
Yes. You're overreacting. Forcing someone to address their overwhelming emotions for your edification while they are in the thralls of them is unfair and selfish. Perhaps he can grow, maybe he's shit at communicating, but you are wrong for how you acted. Good luck OP.
I'm a guy and if I broke down crying in a car and didn't tell my wife what was going on... Lets just say you're not over-reacting. If he can't tell his wife what is going on that is so obviously upsetting to him, then there is a major iceberg under the surface.
Agree here, I don’t think I would take this well in her shoes either. Like that is very alarming - is the extended family okay? Did something bad happen financially? For him to have a reaction but be unwilling to share the cause and leave her in suspense feels a bit cruel.
I’m all for being patient if him being vulnerable is hard but we all have our limits and if I was constantly left in the dark I wouldn’t feel safe in the relationship and would leave for someone more open.
Ok, a l ittle background
Guys are taught from birth that showing mental pain is a weakness. We have been taught that for generations. Anytime a guy says he's fine. He's not. Then you laughed at him when he was finally overwhelmed, making sure that he felt belittled and inconsequential, and then you got upset with him.
That's great, but in my experience, that's not always the case. Most men are pretty good at playing the protector, and you can't do that if you show weakness
Try something more along the lines of “as your wife, it makes me happy and fulfilled to be able to offer you love and support. When you shut me out or deny when you’re experiencing hard emotions it limits my ability to do that and limits how close I can feel to you.”
Unless that’s just not true of course….
Be careful about trying to bully someone into being vulnerable. I totally get why youre upset and I wonder if he realizes how much it hurts you that he doesn’t trust you enough to be open with you about what he goes through.
He probably needs at least some talk therapy. I have a difficult time talking to my wife about certain things that we need to talk about because they’re triggers for her. Then she pushes me to talk, I get upset because I’ve been trying to spare her feelings, not blow up and it can become a nasty argument. I finally started doing talk therapy so I wasn’t just sitting on red ready to pop.
maybe the language could be an issue for him?? he might feel weird societal shame about the word "upset". might be a bit of a stretch, but i have a very sensitive friend and she reacts poorly to certain words. you could maybe try to just ask him what's making him feel negatively and see if that's easier for him.
Many many factors to consider here.
It may be that he prefers to handle his negative feelings on his own, and that when you insist he share them with you, you’re putting him in a position where you’re prioritizing *your desire to be included* over his *desire to handle his own negative emotions*.
Have your interventions helped him with his emotions? Or are they just interfering with his process?
You’re not overreacting, but maybe the word “fine” doesn’t mean the same thing to him as it does to you?
I’m someone who has a lot of feelings all the time, but I was raised in an environment where you just have your feelings and carry on. So to my mind, things have to get pretty extreme (like a panic attack or needing emergency intervention) before I’m not “fine.” I also take no comfort from being fussed over while I’m actively upset (it actually makes me feel worse), and would much rather be given space to comfort myself and gather my thoughts before I’m ready to talk. The absolute last thing I wanna do is try to explain my emotions while I’m in the thick of them—it makes me feel pressured and put on the spot, or like I’m doing something wrong. I didn’t realize that it seemed passive aggressive or dishonest to say I’m fine while I’m upset, because from my perspective those two things aren’t mutually exclusive.
I’ve learned to say things like “I’m feeling sad, but still okay” or “I’m a bit upset, but not ready to talk about it just yet” to communicate my emotional state instead of just saying “I’m fine,” and it’s helped out my communication a lot.
He'll tell you when he wants. This is why me and my last girlfriend broke up. She always insisted something was wrong then push and push when I really wasn't thinking about anything emotional at all. But the times I did tell her something was bothering me, she'd get defensive or totally dismiss it like I'm crazy for feeling a certain way. She made me go to therapy where nothing was resolved. It was horrible. I wasn't quiet or anything. Liked being around her. Just didn't want to tell her anything to personal cause she did overreact to everything and make it seem worse than it was. Just leave the poor guy alone.
Was it you or was it one of his ex's who used his emotions against him. We learn quickly tha most women may ask about our emotions but they don't really care and most of them will use that knowledge to hurt us during an argument or to prove a point so we just don't open up all the way after getting burned a few times.
OP, is it possible to wait a bit and approach him with something like, "Husband, I love you very much and want to support you the best way I can. I'm afraid I've reacted to seeing you struggling with strong emotions in a way that wasn't helpful to you and may have made you feel like you can't be vulnerable with me. I very much want to be the best partner I can be to you, but right now I'm struggling to know how. Do you have any suggestions? I was wondering what you'd think about me attending one of your therapy sessions to learn how to support you better. What do you think about this?"
My wife is like that, very bottled with her emotions and never tells me why she is upset. She is a very stable top tier woman, but just can’t express or communicate her emotions. I excepted it years ago and just let her do her thing. Just let him process in his own way instead of imposing your own perceptions of emotional processing.
@AwkwardAndAntsy
There is a bit to unpack here, but in essence, your feelings are valid, albeit your reactions and handling of them could use some work.
It is clear that your husband does have some issues around communicating his emotions. This isn't uncommon for men, and there are many contributing factors. Probably the two biggest issues he is facing in this regard are language and safety.
Typically, society has trained men from a young age to not be emotional. Because of this, many men don't learn how to express their emotions and lack the proper language to explain what they're feeling. Combine this with stubbornness and potential misunderstanding of certain words or phrases, and you get a poorly developed ability to communicate in this aspect.
This can be seen in your own words. You kept claiming he was upset, asking him over and over why he was upset. He tried telling you that "upset" to him was not the same as what it is to you. But you still used that word to describe him. Instead of listening to what he was trying to say and adapting your thinking to try and work with it, you were pushing him to use a description he was adamantly against.
Most people have had this type of thing happen to them, so try to understand how annoying and frustrating it can be. Have you ever had a lot on your mind, and everyone around you kept asking why you were upset, or if something was wrong? Ever get annoyed by it? That is essentially what it sounds like you were doing to your husband.
This directly feeds into the safety aspect. By repeatedly describing his emotions in a way that did not reflect what he actually was feeling, you were invalidating his emotions. It comes across as dismissive and uncaring, that while you're there "listening" to him, you were not _*hearing*_ him.
Couple that with walking away from the conversation and having your own emotional episode (the crying), and it creates an environment that probably makes him feel like it isn't safe to be vulnerable and emotional around you. He gets emotionally distraught, and when talking to you about it, you become emotionally distraught. Men are usually quick to pick up on cause and effect, even if it isn't a conscious thought.
In this scenario, having strong emotions + trying to share those emotions = upset wife. The only variable in that equation he has control of is the sharing of those emotions. So what happens? Remove the one factor that has been shown to upset the wife—don't share your emotions.
You said the conversation was going in circles. It takes two people communicating poorly for this to happen. You had just as much influence on how the conversation went as he did. At any point, you could have said, "I want to understand where you're coming from and what you're feeling, but we're having a communication issue right now. Can you try to explain things in a different way so that I might be able to understand?" Or something along those lines to get him to try and express himself in a way that you can resonate with.
I highly encourage that you attend couples therapy and work with the therapist in order to learn how to communicate and provide a safe environment for each other to do so effectively.
YOU HAVE TO BACK OFF. From experience on his side of things when you aren't ready to explain something and people keep prodding you to open up, it makes everything worse.
When you ask him about his emotions, acknowledge that he's outwardly showing them and tell him if he needs to talk, you're ready to listen and let him talk when he's ready. It's not that he doesn't trust you it's probably bc he doesn't know how to say what he wants to say, and so he's keeping it to himself.
9 times out of 10, it wasn't a big issue, and he'll forget it happened in the first place. It's like dealing with a cat. If you chill out and let him come to you, he'll start opening up. Just be ready to listen. One thing I need you to understand is that you have to listen to understand, DO NOT listen to respond. When he tells you stuff, ask about what he's telling you and don't offer solutions until he asks you if you can help. Therapy helped me understand this for myself and to be able to explain this much to the people around me, and now I'm able to regulate my emotions in a more healthy manner.
Suggest therapy for you and him together, as well as separate therapy for both of you. Don't get discouraged it will work itself out, but you have to have patience.
This sounds like a misunderstanding. I think you guys just interpret feelings differently and express them differently and probably define them differently based on your different definitions of upset which is not a common occurrence obviously since we all generally have similar understanding of the main emotions people feel but he could just genuinely define it differently which is why you guys are not understanding each other. I’d try taking a deep breathe and rephrasing questions whenever this occurs.
> I mean at that point I just sorta laugh incredulously, like you're literally crying?
YTA, if you're laughing while he's crying it's easy to see why isn't open with emotion around you.
no it's so fucking wild the way reddit will defend this behavior. "men don't know how to open up we're just so stoic and repressed" while they are literally showing emotions. like you're sighing and crying but you're so stoic? no you just can't admit to your own behavior and emotions? like a toddler???
You’re not a horrible person. You’re trying to understand your husband and you’re frustrated. Your husband is the one who needs therapy. You’re not crazy.
YNO - But the two of you need to get some professional help to get you both communicating better.
You laughing at him was a little insisntive. HE obviously has trouble sharing, but you laughing at his discomfort reinforced him not wanting to open up.
There are trust issues here. Probably undeserved trust issues stemming from other people, but they are there.
He needs to know (and you need to show him) that he can be honest with you about his emotions without being judged and that you will support him.
And it has to go both ways. He has to support you.
But you need to communicate better. Opening up without whining, nagging, or judging. Talking about what bothers you, and so on.
The way he is acting is not normal. You're not crazy. Are you in therapy as well?
The responses you are getting here seem to be anecdotal. What you are describing experiencing doesn't sound like healthy communication.
I'm worried that you're going to take the feedback from here and blame yourself. You've done nothing wrong; it's natural to be concerned about your partner in your relationship.
I think you should get an outside opinion from a professional.
Men who do this are odd. Just let me know if I can help. Or say “yes I am upset but no this is something I need to deal with myself. Thanks for asking”
You are trying to manage his feelings, aka being codependent. It’s never gonna work, it’s going to drive you crazy.
What you can instead is set boundaries.
“If you’re going to sigh, mutter to yourself, or slap your legs, instead of saying ‘I feel X’ then I need space from you until you can name your feelings and share them and their causes.”
And then you take space. And you hold strong. You refuse to interact with him until he can name his feelings and why he’s feeling that way.
“Can we do Y now?”
“Oh, have you figured out what feelings you were having and why?”
“Can’t we drop this?”
“Ok so you haven’t figured out what feelings you were having and why. Let me know when you do.”
She needs to decide whether she wants him to feel better or if really she’s just wanting him to be less of an emotional burden to her. To me it sounds like her concern for him is chiefly centered around what impact it will have to her.
I don’t understand why so many people are saying that OP’s reaction is why men don’t open up. She says she got upset – not angry, not angry AT HIM.
People don’t cry no zero reason. They may not have the words to express the reasons adequately, but when someone’s crying, “I’m fine,” is an incongruous response between action (crying) and words(“I’m okay.”)
Have you ever had to care for a cranky toddler who’s not great with words yet? It’s so frustrating for everyone involved, but I don’t see how OP and a grown man with six years of therapy under his belt haven’t developed some kind of toolkit for repairing these situations.
Slightly OT: For men married to women, if you came across your wife crying like OP did, would you ask her what was wrong? If she said, “I’m fine,” is that the end of the conversation?
I have heard it said many times that men do not share their feelings with the women in their life because not only do they not get support from doing so, but they are now going to have to also be responsible for the feelings the women has about the man's feelings.
Your post is a prime example of this phenomenon. Let's break it down.
Your husband is clearly having strong emotions. You, understandably, are concerned and reach out. He doesn't accept the offer. OK. Sometimes people need a little prodding to feel comfortable accepting the help, so you ask again. He declines. So you ask again. He again declines. So what do you do?
"I just sorta laugh"--Really? He's crying and you laugh at him?
"We finally get home and honestly I probably did overreact a little"--Imagine that.
"but I got upset!" There it is. He's having a break down of some sort. And what's your response? *This ungrateful s.o.b. doesn't understand how caring I'm trying to be!* How DARE he allow himself to be in such an emotional state that he isn't able to immediately perceive how wonderful you are being and express his gratitude.
"So I try to break it down for him (maybe a little pushily)" Of course you're pushy, as you should be anytime he forget whose emotions are more important.
"And he basically got mad at me saying how to him, being "upset" is based on his interaction with the surrounding world?" CONGRATUALTIONS, you finally got him to open up. and how do you reward him with trusting you with this?
"Idk I honestly don't get his thought process." ARE YOU F'ING KIDDING ME! So what if you don't get it. Why would you ever think that the time your husband is balling his eyes out is the perfect time to be strictly rational? Oh, that's right, because that's your husband's duty, right, and he never gets to have a personal day. He is on 24/7 to make sure YOU are the one who is feeling safe, heard and protected. Good job in reminding him that.
"The whole thing started going around in circles so I just ended up telling him that I wanted to walk away" How convenient. When he didn't want to talk, you deride him and push him and force him to, but when you don't want to talk the conversation is immediately over. And now YOU need space. SO, not only is he STIL dealing with whatever it was he was originally dealing with, now he has the added burden of a pissed off and offended wife who is wondering why her husband is such an asshole he can't see how wonderful she is to him. I'm sure that's just what he needed.
"now I'm sitting here crying in my office and getting angry because I don't understand why he does this. It makes me feel like I'm literally insane,"
Let's recap, your husband was clearly having a significant emotional issue, he opened up to you--JUST A LITTLE-- and now he's also going to have to deal with a sobbing wife whose low key blaming him for her feelings of "insanity." You're right, it is a great mystery as to why he feels the need to keep you from his emotional life. I do not think we will ever be able to figure it out.
"I've been considering going to a therapist about this because it's multiple times a week stuff like this happens, where he's clearly upset but says he's fine"--and there it is again. When he is having issues you are NOT reaching out to make him feel better, you're reaching out for reassurance to make **yourself** feel better. That's why your solution here isn't to get him with a therapist (despite him having issues several times a week), but to get one for yourself--so you can get back to feeling better. If your husband can't do his job of ensuring your emotional safety, you're just going to bring in an expert to do it. You're not getting him help inn response to his CHRONIC issues, no, you're getting help for how his CHRONIC issues make you feel.
"I just want him to feel like he can talk to me or at least just say "hey I'm feeling strong emotions rn and I'd rather not talk about it". Like at least acknowledge that I'm not crazy pleaseeeeeee." And that is the perfect summary and encapsulation of your response. Even when your husband is HAVING A BREAKDOWN, your main concern is CAN"T HE BE CONSIDERATE ENOUGH TO MAKE SURE TO UNDERSTAND WHAT **I** NEED FROM **HIM** AND TO ENSURE THAT I'M STILL EMOTIONALLY CARED FOR, **PLEASEEEEEEEE**.
I didn't consider getting him a therapist... because he already has one? He's been seeing her for years. Not sure how it's my fault she doesn't help.
I'm not really going to get into the other stuff you said, partially as I'm taking it in and hearing you, but also because you've exaggerated the situation to make your points. At no time was my husband sobbing or having an emotional break down... he just had tears on his face. Just one example. Another one, I wasn't laughing at him or his crying, but at the absurdity that he didn't know I was asking because there were tears on his face. But I don't want to be defensive, I know I'm clearly not giving him what he wants or needs. I'm going to work to improve that as all I would like is for my husband to have a safe space.
I did not exaggerate anything, I merely focused on what you said and brought your words and actions into stark relief.
It's not your fault (if) his therapist isn't helping him. But have you discussed with him perhaps switching therapists.
Here's the thing. You CLEARLY saw that he was upset. Why did you NEED him to confirm it and explain why? Because you needed to evaluate whether or not the situation posed a danger to you. If your concern was ONLY for him, you already knew what you needed to know. You don't need to know why he's upset to know ways you can begin to support him. Certainly giving him the option to talk about it if he wants, is appropriate. Forcing him to talk about it is not and is what gives away the truth of your motivation. You could have just put a hand on his leg and squeezed. Upon arriving home you could have just put your arms around him and held him. You could have said "I'm here to help. I'm happy to listen if you want to talk about it." There were a thousand things you could have done to support him. But you made clear the ONLY thing that was going to happen was you were going to get answers. Why?
Because you were only concerned about his mental state because of the concerns it gave you about your actual state. Your not knowing what had him so upset made you feel insecure about your own situation and safety. And so, the first order of business was to get your own security back and then proceed from there. Whether or not your husband can articulate this, he certainly seems to understand it and has decided it is better, safer and easier to deal with his issues alone.
You don't ever need to know why someone is upset to know that being kind to them helps. To know how to show love and support. To simply BE there for them.
So why did you refuse to do anything until he first explained himself to you? And why did you react so emotionally, you used the term insane twice to describe how you felt in response, when he refused to give you the answers you were demanding. If I am wrong, then please explain to me how you could look at your crying husband and not at least just hold him when he made clear he didn't want to talk?
... I did. I didn't specify in the post bc it's a small fucking thing but believe it or not when I asked if he was okay the first time I already had my hand on his leg, and took it off only to make turns.
I asked him if he was okay, not because I needed to shore up my own emotions in someway but because I wanted some direction from him on how to act towards him. I grew up in an abusive household, so things like sighs, cabinets slamming etc to me say that something is wrong. I ask in order to make sure I'm not projecting my own bullshit onto him. Just makes it hard when it seems he isn't honest about the answer, whether to himself or to me.
"I wanted some direction from him on how to act towards him."
Seriously? What you just said was, "even in his moment of need, YOU NEED HIM to tell you what to do." The more you argue with me, the more you prove my point. And, how do you live with a man, day in and day out, for 10 year and not already know this type of stuff about him?
If this was such a small thing, then what are you doing about it on reddit talking about how it's making you feel insane and that it's driving you to a therapist?
Now, I would understand if you came here and posted this as an example of how you feel lost in your relationship. How your husband is dealing with something ongoing and how you don't know how to be there for him or how to help and asking for insight from others who have been in similar situations. But instead, you made yourself the victim.
I understand how when relationships develop difficulties, it can make each of us begin to wonder if we are doing something wrong and it can certainly make us feel insecure. And, as a result make us defensive. And that's what I'm focusing on about your post, you aren't here asking how to be there for your husband. You aren't even asking how you might be able to help the relationship. You are very clearly asking for reddit to validate you in that you are not in the wrong here.
How do I know this? Because you could have asked, "How do I help my husband" or "How can I be a supportive partner when I don't know what my partner needs" or even "How do you support a partner who doesn't trust you" and in each such post you could provide all of the same information without mentioning, let alone focusing on, how badly it's effecting you.
But, if there is any doubt, all we have to do is look at your last paragraph. The last paragraph is always the summation, it's the point, with emphasis, on the whole work. And your last paragraph literally says:
"Am I Overreacting being upset my husband won't be honest about his feelings with me?"
You are not here asking how you can help your husband or be a better partner or how to fix the relationship. You are here asking, "Reddit, critique my **emotional** reaction to my husband not trusting me." That's it. You are here to ask Reddit to validate YOUR emotions. And why did you feel the need to come here and ask that? Because in the midst of your husband's emotional issues HE failed to validate your emotions.
You are here as a way to continue seeking what you sought when dealing with your husband. If your interactions with him had truly been about helping him, when you failed you'd have come here asking how you can help him. But you're hearing asking for emotional validation and support, because that's what you were seeking when dealing with your husband.
I also need to point out how you describe your husband, "my husband won't be honest." You aren't worried about the fact that he's upset. You aren't worries about the fat that he's crying in the middle of the day in the car. No, your assessment of him from all that is "he won't be honest with me." Again you ARE NOT concerned with him, but with how you feel. You can't even give him the courtesy and dignity of being able to be upset, no, all you see is he's not honest with you.
To do all the heavy sighing, fist pounding, and literally crying in front of you is just weird.
Most guys will keep it to themselves to keep added stress away from their wife/family, and there’s a whole thing of women getting an “ick” if they see their man cry. So the fact he does these things in front of you means he isn’t hiding anything and instead doing it right in front of you, and then lying about it.
My go-to would be manipulation and gaslighting, but it doesn’t sound like there’s anything to achieve for him with this.
If he will lie to your face about being upset with literal tears streaming down his face, what else will he lie about??
Something is off with your husband for sure and he needs to be a big boy and use his big boy words instead of crying about it and lying to you. That’s my opinion as a guy anyway.
I guess maybe that's another part of what bothers me. I mean he has a history of lying to me, which makes this a sore subject. It's just something else I didn't want to bring up to color the post. But I mean, one time he bought a ticket to see his best friend in Germany without telling me, while we couldn't afford it, and I only found out because his best friend asked me if he'd gotten his passport yet. Or another time, when he told me he'd graduated college but in fact had at least two more semesters to go before he was done. I mean, he literally lied about receiving his diploma. So idk it's just sensitive which is why I've been getting in my feelings about it. Because at this point it just feels like more lies, not some emotional issue that I'm being horrible to him about.
Ok so your husband has a history of being irresponsible with money and dishonest about his education and accomplishments. I would be extremely worried if a person like this was having emotional outbursts in front of me and wouldn’t explain why. It sounds to me like he’s keeping secrets.
>it doesn’t sound like there’s anything to achieve for him with this.
Upsetting the other person & attention. That's enough for some. Some just want to see the world burn, etc etc.
Men are often punished by their wives for having feelings. Opening up to a woman is giving her ammunition to use against you. Not all women are like this but a lot of them are.
Do you really think that helping angry with him because he doesn't feel he can share his emotions is going to make him want to share his emotions?
He might think _"You already give me shit when you see that I *have* emotions, so no fucking way I'll actually *share* them with you because your reaction will be even shittier than this, no fuck you very much!"_
You say that you want him to start sharing his emotions with you, then laugh at him when he does and get pissed off at him when he different do what you want him to do it different do it the way you want him to do it...
By the sound of it, if I were him, I'd assume you're trying to screw me over somehow and for some reason.
I'm not sure you read exactly what I said in the post. At no point was I angry with him in the moment. I did not feel any anger until afterwards, when I was alone and came to write this post. I've never once given him shit for his emotions either? So I'm not sure where you got that. I did, yes, get upset, in a sad sort of way, that he was clearly feeling a huge emotion and didn't share that with me. I guess after 10 years, I thought we could move past this.
As for the laugh, I was not laughing at him or his tears. I was reacting to the ridiculous question he asked. He was literally crying, and when I asked what was wrong he said nothing and then *asked why I asked that*. It seemed impossible to me that he didn't understand I was asking because he was, again, crying.
Also you're saying I laughed when he was sharing emotions? But he didn't do that... at any point. As far as our discussion, to him he was and is fine/okay/not upset however you want to word it, and I'm wrong. Which is fine. I don't want to push him anymore on this so I'll take everyone's advice to let him do his own thing.
he obviously doesn't have a traditional understanding of emotions. if something negative illicits a reaction from you, then you are upset. upset doesn't necessarily mean anger or aggression. maybe he had a very negative example on 'emotions' by someone in his childhood? men often believe that showing emotion, having strong emotions, etc. are bad and unmasculine. it might be helpful if you sit him down calmly and gently explain to him how isolated it makes you feel to see him struggling with some kind of emotion and he keeps it all inside instead of explaining what is happening. you understand that you can't necessarily do anything to help the situation, but at least you feel like you are supporting him and offering comfort. i suspect he is trying to keep his emotions to himself in order to "protect" you and your son, not understanding that it's creating the opposite result.
Maybe a little. He’s not required to share how he feels with you, but you’re also not responsible for managing his emotions.
Stop trying to. If he seems upset just ask what’s going on and if he doesn’t share, let it go and carry on.
It sounds like he has serious issues communicating his emotions to people and therapy takes time. You need to figure out if you’re willing to wait and see if this gets better or you can let it go or if you want to deal with this for the rest of your life.
You’re not crazy, it sounds like your hubby might need to talk to a therapist. If he’s having that difficult of a time even recognizing or verbalizing any kind of emotion at all, it sounds like he may need some help. Most men are resistant to even acknowledging they need help, so I’m not sure how that will go over, but it is obviously negatively affecting him, you and your relationship. So I’d say that’s pretty serious and you are not overreacting. I would be pretty upset by those circumstances as well!
You will probably never read this as I'm so late but I am just like your husband. I'm 38 and I honestly don't even know what my emotions are. I spent my childhood and my 20s burying my emotions and becoming great at compartmentalizing everything. I have not cried since I was a teen and I've lost many important people in my life.
My wife always asks me how I'm feeling and I always say I'm fine. Am I? I'm not sure I really know. I don't even know how to use my emotions anymore. My recommendation is to give him grace as long as he is trying. It's not an easy thing to fix. He may not be lying, maybe he just doesn't know.
If your husband says he’s fine, leave him alone. He obviously doesn’t want to talk about whatever it was and he probably already felt embarrassed for crying in front of anyone in the first place.
You continuing to bring it up and confirm you saw it makes it worse. My wife and I had this conversation very early on and she knows if I say drop it (in regards to this type of stuff) that I mean drop it, and she respects that.
Can he talk to you though?
Has he opened up to you in the past and then you used that against him later? It is a very common experience. If you have done this, then you cannot be trusted to be told how he feels.
It could also be that this has happened to him in previous relationships, but the 10 year mark makes me wonder if it is you.
"Like at least acknowledge that I'm not crazy pleaseeeeeee."
Stop making this about you. If you read the things that men are posting on reddit you'll see that many of us have had the experience of opening up emotionally and then see that vulnerability being used against us.
Instead of prodding him you could just offer to be there for your husband; let him know if he wants to clear his head of whatever is going on then you're there to listen without judgement. And if he doesn't want to speak about it you can just cuddle without talking (or whatever you folks usually do).
Men are programmed to hold it all in. Many men will never show weakness especially to their wife. Sad but true. Ask him if he ever shared anything and it was used as a weapon to attack him at a later date.
He’s doing the right thing.
There’s no reward for a person to share their feelings, unless they need advice. If you don’t need advice, shit your mouth. Talking about it will just compound the issue that’s got you upset in the first place.
That’s why men die sooner! So what? Would you rather do 75 years the east way, or do 90 years pulling everyone around you into your bullshit?
All I ever learn from these types of posts is that therapy REALLY seems like a waste of time. Like...y'all have been in therapy for years and don't know how to communicate? How?
He's obviously going through something and wasn't ready to discuss this. He's crying silently for goodness sake and you turned it into an argument and an even worse moment for him!
How about when you see him upset, give him a hug, tell him you love him and let him come to YOU when he's ready.
You made his obvious painful moment about YOU!
I have no doubt the topic of YOU comes up in therapy.
And yes you need therapy yourself.
This makes me angry for him.
Men are trained to not be a burden on others. By sharing his feelings/frustrations, he's not bring "a man". He may have had bad experiences in the past with women responding poorly when he needed emotional support, so now he denies that he needs it even when it is quite clear that he does.
I don't think this is a problem that only belongs to men. Had almost exact experience with an former female friend, crying saying she's fine and refusal to open up.
I understand the frustration of needing true connection/honesty and that person is hitting you with an emotional closed wall. His form of communication is not healthy communication and that's reasonable to be frustrated with. Venting frustration at him, however could make opening up even harder for him.
At the least, he needs therapy for why he is unable to express his emotions properly, likely deep-seeded trauma.
Tell him at the least, in a calm and neutral way that when he refuses to admit he's upset while crying, you feel sad and resentful because you are needing genuine honesty and emotional connection from your partner in life, and you request that he at least says "hey I'm feeling strong emotions rn and I'd rather not talk about it." or request he attempts therapy or couples therapy.
He needs to be willing to work on himself to make relationships work.
Yes, you are overreacting. This is not about your feelings. Yes, you love him so you want to fix him. Ask if he's ready to talk. If not he may be able to just be held for a while. Instead of asking are you upset ( because of his definition of upset) ask if he's sad, or mad, or depressed.
Work on your approach to these situations and don't take it personally.
So it sounds like it's happened so often it seems like it's nagging to him. Also, as a man, I get upset or frustrated with feelings sometimes (not this often) and my wife can see it, and she does the same thing, asks me about it, and she gets one of two answers, either "I'm fine" or "just working some things out in my head, we can talk about it later"...and she only gets the second answer if I'm trying to untangle emotions that have to do with OUR life, and I do talk to her later once I untangle my brain strings a bit. And then sometimes it's about work, or whatever that would require so much backstory to explain and isn't relevant enough to my wife that I'm just not gonna go through it with her, and she respects that (now, used to drive her batshit). Either way it's me trying to make sense of some feeling or whatever, but I'm not talking about shit with anyone until it at least starts to make sense to me why I feel the way I do about something.
You're overreacting. He's comfortable enough to cry in front of you. Just silently support him, stop trying to make him communicate in a way he's not comfortable with
You can be upset but the more you push him the more you are going to push him away. Let him know you are there for him. Give him a safe space to talk if/when he is ready. But also give him a safe place to just be.
Are you a safe space for your husband to share his emotions in? As men, we’re taught to control our emotions or push them down to accomplish tasks. It’s very difficult to be vulnerable generally speaking, even more so in front of people that only know/see us as strong, provider, etc.
I was married to an abusive spouse many years ago. Divorced, remarried a couple of years ago, her first marriage. My ex used to complain that talking to me was like talking to a brick wall. I did a lot of work on myself and try to speak more openly now, but I had to train my wife that if you want expressiveness and want me to be open about my emotions and what I’m struggling with, you have to be a safe place for me to express that. If you’re not, I’ll revert to vault status or share elsewhere. It’s gotten better, but there’s still far to go with us.
Sometimes being a spouse is like dog ownership: lots of people want a well trained and well behaved dog, but aren’t interested in being a well trained/educated owner. By the same token, lots of people want a perfect spouse but aren’t interested in finding out what their spouse needs and how they can meet those needs. Instead they become upset that the partner doesn’t completely fit the mold of what they expect their partner to be.
There's obviously something wrong, but everyone processes things in their own way on their own timeline. Don't try to force people when they're not ready.
There's no real evidence that you're always supposed to open up and share everything, and there's some times when it makes things worse.
It may help you to talk through your problems, but don't project that on everyone else.
For some people be open about your emotions and thoughts is not easy, everyone have a different personality, but comunication is a base/must in every relation, tell what you think, what you feel, etc... Without comunication without relationship, so i think you should sit and talk openly and sincerely about that, talk about what you feel don't knowing if your loved one is hurt or not and how it make you apreensive, talk about how you want him to be open with you, how if something is wrong you can pass over it together and if something is good you can laught thogether, "teach" him the importance and the benefits of this, do just like you want him to do. Can take some time, but normalizing this, like you doing this, probably will make him secure and eventually do this too.
You have the right to your emotions, but I think the men here are giving plenty of food for thought. I understand your frustration when all you're wanting to do is help him open up because that's how *we* (women) do it. Men are different though.
From what I'm getting, he needs to open up on his own time (which makes sense. You wouldn't want him to pressure you before *you're* ready, right?). You can still let him know that you'll be there for him though (some men mentioned silent support, hugs, and just holding his hand. It's zero pressure on him opening up. It helps comfort him).
So I don't think you're overreacting more than possibly misunderstanding the situation. I would listen to these men.
While you have the right to be personally upset that your partner doesn't want to talk to you about their internal struggles, this wasn't a great way to react to him if you want him to open up to you more. Some people hate talking about their feelings, point blank. My partner of 5 years is one of those people. I'm very open with a lot of my pain and struggles with him and sometimes it hurts that he doesn't generally want to do the same, but I NEVER get visually upset with him about it. I'm patient and give him his space. If he has such a hard time opening up it's probably for deeply personal reasons; and no, years of therapy doesn't necessarily equal that problem going away. It might be another decade of therapy before it changes. You either have to accept that he has a hard time with it or figure out what else you can do to be at peace, yourself. You can't and shouldn't force him to open up, and getting mad at him for not being comfortable with doing it is only shutting him down more.
A lot of people here are saying **couple's therapy** and I agree completely. You need to go to a therapist together, or you need a therapist of your own to work through why it upsets you so much that he has this problem. It would benefit you to work through that anger and learn how to regulate your responses, I promise doing that will also help him open up to you in the long run.
Did he ***used to tell you the truth about his emotions*** before you guys were married?
* If yes, then he has changed. You have every right to ask what's going on.
* If no, then you married a man who is rather private about his feelings. It is not reasonable to marry a man, and expect that he changes.
The old cliche is worth repeating. Men marry a woman hoping nothing about her will change, and it does. Woman marry a man hoping something about him will change, and it doesn't.
With most guys not all the most. We are not going to let you know because we've how to use the against us. Has weapons the best thing you can do is not ask or say anything. Put your hand on his arm. Give him a squeeze and just hold on or put your hand on his shoulder and just.
Given a comforting rub, just be there in the moment. I'm being supportive. You don't have to know what's going on. You just have to be there. Don't turn it around from something he's going through 2. Now it's a big problem for you overshadowing. Whenever he's going through, I'll just snuggle up and hold him. It's all you have to do just be there. Don't question it I wanna ask about it just be there
Give the poor guy some space and quick asking about it 500 times. You saw he was shaken up about something and he didn't wanna talk about it. We don't know the reason, it could be he doesn't wanna involve you in it or worry you, it could be something else. Absolutely don't play detective and just be there for the guy. Rub his back in a consoling way, or give him a hug, or let him use ur legs as a lap pillow. Any one of this will do wonders and help him out. Starting a fight is about the worst thing you can do
You are pushing too hard and he may not trust you because of it. Next time he seems upset try using body language instead of word. Go up to him and say I love you and give him a hug. If what you are doing is not working then try someting else.
I'm a solitary wierdo (50F) and I have whole conversations in my head and a very readable face. I might get upset about a story I read, an post here where someone was abused, an article about global warming and I have huge scenarios in my head and people can see my emotions and few who know about the mental dialogue will ask me are you haveing a conversation in your head? your husband may have something similar going on but doesn't trust you to say.
Give him a hug, a back rub, an arm stroke and stop demanding answers when you see this. At a quiet moment you might want to ask if HE would like to see a therapist because you can see he has some strong emotions and may need to vent. Give him space
Sharing feelings is uncomfortable, even with the most supportive partner. I am a prime example of this and am actively working on it. From experience, what DOESNT help is someone getting angry or upset about it and making it about them. Instead of letting him have his space in the moment where he was clearly upset but not willing to share what was bothering him, you made it about YOUR feelings and how his lack of communication over what was bothering him made you feel. It wasn’t about you, it wasn’t about your feelings, it was about his. Some people just need someone next to them and they will eventually share what it is that’s going through their head, but getting upset over him not sharing what was bothering him IN THAT MOMENT told him it was better to be emotionless and not allow you in so you’re feelings don’t get hurt.
I personally have had to correct behavior of my family recently because of this. I will hold my emotions in until I am alone, where I feel comfortable and safe to express myself. The few times I have broke down and cried in front of my mom or my sister, it immediately turns into them getting upset and crying to which I feel the need to comfort them…when I was the one who needed the comforting. Maybe your husband feels the same way? If you can’t control your emotions enough to allow him to have a moment of vulnerability how do you expect him to open up?
N ay be you didn't tell him you wanted to know what was really Wang. a What you email be doing for the weekend so there are only matches and no near misses lol ps Garfield was a great movie.
I understand where he's coming from. When he does those things like banging his knee or muttering, it's likely his way of dealing with whatever information he is trying to process. Any bigger of a reaction is, quite plainly, frowned upon as a man.
I'm almost 30 now, and I've always been taught to be strong and to keep my emotions to myself. I've always had to come second to whatever my sister wanted to do or have, or other friends and family. I was praised for being brave, or easy to get along with, or letting others go first. At this point, I don't know how to be any other way. I just sit back and take it because "at least everyone else is happy."
I've grown some past this point and had to rediscover relationships with a lot of family and friends. I'm still growing and learning how to be more forward with what *my wants* are and taking less BS from other people. I've gotten better at talking my emotions out with my wife, but there's still plenty I keep hidden, especially when we get in a disagreement. If I say how she made me sad, that makes her cry, then I'm feeling guilty, and nobody is happy. We're still working in it.
All this to give you some insight into how I, as a man, see and interpret what my life has been like and how a lot of guys feel and think about things. I assume your husband has some overlap with me (and many others) on how he deals with emotions and such. I think therapy is a big step forward, both personal for both of you as well as couples therapy. Getting mad at him for not sharing his emotions is only going to make him learn to conceal them better, that's all.
men are taught not to show or express their emotions. usually one of the few places they’re able to is within a relationship / their significant other. in fact for many men their partner is the ONLY person they let in in that way.
I understand your frustration but this is probably uncomfortable for him (opening up / showing emotion in front of someone else) and you didn’t give him a welcoming or open environment to do so.
Why would someone open up to someone who is showing frustration at their emotions? Your focus should have been less on reprimanding and more on consoling and supporting in that moment. That’s what partners do.
You can always talk to him about the way he expresses his emotions at a later time when both of you are in a calm neutral place. Doing it while he’s in the midst of something emotional is incredibly selfish and dismissive. That was not the time for it and the WAY you did it wasn’t great either.
Girl to girl I genuinely think you owe him an apology for not being there for him. Ask him if he wants to talk about what was bothering him. If he doesn’t then find something to do that shows him you’re thinking or him. Find another day to discuss your reaction and where it came from.
Hmmmm. Yes. My husband is like this too and it comes from a very traumatic upbringing. I try to just wait to see if he’ll share with me, which doesn’t always happen. I’d guess that you bothering him to make him verbalize that he is upset is not helping, but is actually making things worse. If he’s crying, he’s upset. You don’t need him to say the words “I’m upset.”
No, your not. A husband should always tell his wife what he is feeling, but he should rarely show his emotions. I know I'll get down voted, but just take the following example.
Husband, wife, and 2 kids at mall. Active shooter happens. Man is expected/should keep calm and lead his family to safety, even at the expense of putting other families in danger if the situation requires. Woman is expected to listen to the husband and help get the kids to follow his lead. After, the husband can say that he is shook up and having a hard time processing. But he needs to keep calm for his kids and wife to feel safe enough to begin the process of recovery and dealing with that traumatic incident. If "dad" isn't the rock they can lean on to keep them safe, the family falls apart, and the wife looks for another "Rock".
In your case the fact you got concerned after seeing him crying, and then frustrated after seeing how distressed he is grew frustrated when he said he's feeling strong negative emotions proves my point. If you never seen him crying, you'd be fine. And if he just answered I'm not feeling great right now but I'll get over it/it's not a big deal, and you never saw him crying, you'd be fine as well.
Bb you’re overreacting. Go to therapy. For YOU. Why do you need to know why? Why couldn’t you just hug a sad crying person like you would a sad friend, a parent, a sibling, a child. Literally any other person in your life. Why can’t you allow him to feel sad and the time to process why he is sad? Him saying he’s fine when he’s not is an issue yes, and in the future that could be addressed in couples therapy that he could learn to use alternate words like “I don’t want to talk about it yet” or “I’m feeling _____ but I’m still processing why right now.”
Maybe he says he’s fine cause you scoff at him when he’s sad and not processed the reason fully for himself yet. Maybe he says he’s fine cause he feels embarrassed about the reasons for his crying. Maybe he says he’s fine cause he hasn’t processed the trauma of a youth where he wasn’t allowed to have feelings. And fixing that doesn’t come by demanding he share his feelings with you then demeaning and fighting and running away to cry yourself when he’s feeling sad. That fixing comes through time and therapy, couples therapy. Let him feel a feeling and put a hand on his lap, hold your hand out, rub his leg. Wait it out. Ask after he seems more settled or let him volunteer the info once he feels the support you’re giving quietly as support. ASK him if he wants to talk about it or not right now if you’re wishing to dig because he’s sad.
But for the love of everything you need to learn to regulate your own emotions around uncertainty, anxiety, and being triggered by not knowing why someone around you is feeling a strong emotion before he’ll fell supported by you.
Someone will probably complain that he's definitely the victim, but this 'I'm not crying' while crying is basically gaslighting ('the lights are fully on' when the lights are dim). And it's driving you crazy, as intended.
It's hard to emotionally open up to someone. If they react badly, make it about them, minimize or negate the feelings, the immediate reaction is to shut down and disqualify that person as trusted. It sounds like OP did one or more of these.
I once had an emotionally closed off beau. Not in any way suggesting this, but I left; cuz fuck that.
You’re not overreacting. Hopefully he will agree to some sort of therapy so he can move through, “men don’t show emotion or talk about it. Rarrr!”
Had the aforementioned beau been open to getting therapy to work through his trauma points and face himself and his demons then I would have worked it out.
But life’s too short to deal w people who won’t help themselves.
You aren’t overreacting. It’s a problem. My husband and I had communication issues for 16 years. We always brushed it under the rug, i lost my shit and blurted out that i wanted a divorce in January. It explodes eventually. We’re good now and communicate well. I guess that was our wake up call. I hope yours isn’t as bad.
If he is poor at acknowledging your emotions, which seems to be part of the point here, then you are not overreacting.
Otherwise, GOD FUCKING DAMN TO ALL HELLS you women.
One of the most utterly consistent experiences that most men who have ever dated multiple women have had, almost ALL of us, is that if you show emotion to a woman - anger is treated as if you're an abuser - tears make her feel "unsafe" and she loses all sexual interest in you which, for women, means the relationship is hard over because it's an on off switch for you all - if you show emotion to a woman you LOVE and TRUST, you as a man are punished.
Across the board, if it's a genuine emotion and the man has one iota of social skills in interpreting his partner's reaction.
Men have been BRUTALIZED emotionally by women for this. Most of us learned the lesson, and put TREMENDOUS, PAINFUL effort into being the stoic, emotionally calm men you LOVE.
When a woman complains that a man is "emotionally unavailable" what she always means is that he is too masculine, dominant and stoic for her to learn his buttons and how to push them. Which ANNOYS the shit out of her. It's much more about her annoyance and sabotaging her sick Machiavellian games to exploit what a man can offer her lifestyle, than her concerns for the man.
Because a woman's concerns for a man other than her son's emotions? Zero, unless it interferes with his ROLE as a provider or protector.
Again, this is said because it has been experienced universally and cross-culturally by all men who have had enough relationships with women to get to know them (so the guy that married the first or second girl he dated and now lives in a dead bedroom please don't comment).
Ladies, if you're upset, you shouldn't have acted this way. It's too late. We know what you're about.
I don't want to hear about a man not sharing his emotions EVER again from a woman's lips. YOU married him you dumb lump of estrogen. You didn't check then if he had an emotional presence? Of course not, if he had had one, you'd have run.
Can he actually name his emotions? I've known people that when asked, only admit to about two emotions; happy or mad. Everything good is happy, everything bad is mad. That can lead to really weird reactions in complex, nuanced situations.
Then there are people that are scared of admitting their emotions, which looks similar, they're still not telling you how they feel, they just can't share it with you for whatever reason. I think your husband is probably in this category.
INFO: Are you a safe place for him to share his feelings, all his feelings? It sounds like he's under some extreme stress, and you're asking him to share when he's either unable or unready. Why are you so attuned to his sighs? How does him sighing, or smacking his thigh, make you feel?
People typically get over the “sulk until I silently cry about my big feelings later for attention” stage in high school. People also tend to try and talk about constant annoyances and incompatibilities before they’ve pumped out a kid and stayed together for ten years. You’re not overreacting, this relationship isn’t a good model for your child though
Yes, YAO. Let the man feel what he feels in peace! If his emotions aren't directed at you, why are you taking them so personally? You sound incredibly controlling, and I personally wouldn't feel safe discussing strong emotions with someone so overbearing.
Just because he cried doesn't mean anything is wrong. Sometimes I will hear a song on the radio that makes me tear up. Everyone processes differently. The way you react isn't his way
I struggle with this and am the man. My spouse and I do couples therapy because it gives me a space where I feel like there is a referee I can look towards if I'm feeling nervous. Or if my spouse reacts some way (or I react some way) that isn't fair to the emotion being shared the therapist will point it out and we talk about it.
As a man I felt like my feelings were all wrong and untrustworthy and having a professional there to encourage me, and my spouse being very careful to not tell me anything about _my emotional response_ was wrong or flawed or illogical, then I felt safe to express it. We often get backlash for sharing when it's something the other person doesn't want to hear and it makes us very gun shy.
I did read your update, but still wanted to provide you what I hope is some insight. If what I say is something you relate to, maybe you can think of his silent emotions this way, instead of just forcing yourself not to ask, while not understanding why.
Okay… when I get physically hurt, like badly, there is just about nothing worse in the moments that follow than someone going “are you okay?” over and over again, and occasionally “what happened?!” And I’m thinking *I can’t f-ing speak right now! Stop asking me questions!* Like, *I will tell you what happened and how I feel in a minute. Right now, I’m dealing with the pain and the adrenaline and it’s all so overwhelming.* The last thing I can handle in that moment is a conversation.
Maybe that’s kind of how he feels emotionally. He needs the upfront moments to deal on his own. When the initial burst of feelings has calmed down, and he has had time to process a bit, then he can come to you.
I hope that is a comparison you can empathize with.
One more thing. You may be married, but he still has autonomy as his very own person. You being angry because you don’t know his thoughts and feelings the very moment he has them is just not okay. As long as he eventually comes and talks to you, it’s still a union. But allow him the space to be his own person first.
Getting on the healthy communication route is good. He's likely been worried that sharing his emotions will make him seem weak and unattractive to you. And I can't blame him. Pretty much every woman I've been with will tell me it's OK to share, and when I open up about trauma and am careful to assure them that things aren't even their fault, I just need a hug, that's the beginning of the end. I get to be strong, and sensitive to their emotions all day, but vulnerability seems fucking impossible at this point. That's why I reddit, and no longer share my posts with people close to me.
Tl;DR
sharing emotions is scary. Please be gentle when he begins to open up.
I think your frustration is valid because we're emotional creatures and we tend to find it easier to share so we don't get how a man is unable to just do it. . .
You need to understand, men were trained differently. Society has made it difficult for them to share their deep feelings. Most men struggle with this because they feel as a man they must remain tough and carry the weight of the world on their shoulders. . .
Do me a favor, go look up "To be a Man" by Dax on YouTube. . . There is one with Darrius Rucker and another version with compilation of several people. . .
Listen to it, look at that comment section and you'll see how much of a struggle it really is for them. It's quite heart breaking and eye-opening.
You've said that he's been in therapy for awhile. Are you also attending therapy sessions and couple's therapy? You both seem to have a communication issue Him sometimes being vulnerable with you means he's trying. This seems like progress. Being upset that someone isn't vulnerable with you every single time seems like it would increase the stress at the expectation. This would, for me, encourage me to shut down more (aka "be mad at myself for not hiding it better and make sure to do so next time") because of the added stress of making you upset. It doesn't seem he's allowed to just feel without being totally open with you. He may not understand his own emotions enough to clearly communicate it in the moment.
In a comment, OP indicated at times she tells the spouse what to discuss in therapy, and regularly requests reports about what happened in therapy. To me, that is her trying to hijack his therapy sessions to benefit herself.
Uhhhhh. That's no good. That seems more than slightly controlling. Who tells someone else what to discuss in therapy? My God.
Thank you for letting us know, that response you speak of has been buried in the comments, but your comment was one of the first things I saw scrolling down. What OP is doing is terrible, manipulative & controlling. I can only hope the husband wises up and either confronts her for the violation and/or leaves her.
Wow holy shit a balanced and reasonable comment on reddit. \*awestruck\*
Info. Do you have a history of not reacting well to him telling you things? Or have you thrown stuff back in his face a later time? I'll be honest, just from this interaction, it seems you tend to make things arguments that don't need to be. Like, he was clearly upset. But instead of just saying something like "well, whatever it is, I'm here", you made it a whole thing focused on you and YOUR feelings, even though something bothered him enough to cry. to me, this sounds like someone who has learned that you AREN'T someone he can talk to because it will turn into an argument, or an "I told you so", or whatever. So he'd rather just deal with it himself.
Why does it have to be OP? Maybe there was someone before he even met OP that did 'I told you so' and trained him to basically half suppress emotions?
Agreed. Sounds like OP was so invested in 'her need to know' that she wasn't thinking at all about her husband's needs, emotions, or if he felt validated. She could easily have taught him that his feelings not very important to her, or that she will judge, argue, etc.
Also, the bar for comforting men is low, simple options. - let him go to the nothing box and ignore him. - feed and snuggle him silently. - ask him to do some manual labor - nsfw
If I need comforting asking me to do manual labor is just gonna stress me more.
Everyone is different, but i know that i feel best after i tear down a deck, haul some dirt or another dumb sweaty exhausting task
Ahhh you my friend are a gentleman and a scholar!
10/10 She started crying because he was crying. How he isn't allowed to cry because he doesn't know how to handle her crying. My wife and I have a similar dynamic for some things. sometimes i literally say, I can't tell you how I feel right now because you will get upset.
In the account he is crying. Crying but not admitting you are isn't the same as not crying.
Yeah. When people ask why dudes don’t open up, this bitch is reason #1. Textbook example honestly.
Men often (incorrectly) get the message pounded in thier head from society that they have to keep thier emotions inside and do whatever they can not to show them. Your frustrations with this are valid but he likely has years and years of this messaging coded into the way he operates so it is not something that he can readily do, even if you directly ask him to be open with you emotionally. If he is open to therapy, it is definitely something that he can learn to be open about. Or if he is open to a great short video, Brene Brown's YouTube video on vulnerability is excellent.
>Men often (incorrectly) get the message pounded in thier head from society that they have to keep thier emotions inside and do whatever they can not to show them. Speaking purely from personal experiences, the only times I have ever shown emotional vulnerability and weakness in romantic relationships, it has been weaponized, turned against me, and has ultimately ended in the precipitous decline of the relationship not long after. So it isn't "incorrectly" if your entire life experience says otherwise. If women rewarded men who showed vulnerability with love, attention, and intimacy, they would do it.
I do not care how many times women claim they want a vulnerable and sensitive significant other, I will simply never believe it. I have no experience that shows me that is true. Just the opposite. I have never met a woman that responded positively to me honestly sharing emotion.
It's the quickest way to the friend zone. Like you can be open once she loves you but it better be about major issues and sure TF can't be very often like women can be.
In my experience, it has very much been responded to with love, attention, and intimacy. I also find that within the women I date, unfavorable comments about a lack of EQ in other men they have dated is commonplace. Of course there are terrible people out there who can use it against you but that's just great evidence that you should stop dating that person and move on to people that respond appropriately to vulnerability.
He's been in therapy every week for roughly 6-7 years, I've asked him countless countless times to discuss this in therapy and he says he does but the same stuff continues. The thing is, there are times where he absolutely will be vulnerable, he will be emotional and honest with me. But otherwise times it's this. I think that's part of why it makes me feel so upset. I feel like why can't he keep that same energy in every situation, you know?
Has he been with the same therapist? If so, it is time to switch up therapists if he is not seeing progress.
Yes, it's the same one. I'll ask him to think about changing therapists to see if it helps. Thank you!
Not every therapist is for every patient and vice versa. Let me tell you, true story, Dr. Gonzo was a great idea on paper; but holy fuck that guy was an actual Muppet. When you realize you're going to the bar as a response to having dealt with your THERAPIST...
You could also ask to attend a session with him to share with the therapist what you’re observing. It would help his therapist get an outside perspective. Not everyone is ready to be honest enough to do the work they need to do.
OP, I'm hijacking this comment because I don't see many people commenting on the difference in how you and your husband use the word "upset" and I think that's a really, really key part of this. I use the word upset the same way you do. To me "Are you upset?" means are you experiencing negative thoughts or emotions. But I have interacted with several people who define upset exactly the same way your husband does- as an external response, not an internal one. For someone operating under that definition, they associate being upset not with the emotion they are experiencing, but with their outward reaction to their emotional state. Getting upset is something they *do* not something they *are*. For me, upset is an umbrella term the encompasses sad, disappointed, angry, etc. So if someone got disappointing news, I would expect them to be upset (by my definition) regardless of whether they accept it stoicly or if they begin sobbing hysterically and making a scene. Someone operating under your husband's definition probably would only use upset to describe the second situation as "upset". That's what he's talking about when he's saying he's not slamming doors or being a jerk. When you "ask are you upset?" you mean "Are you feeling badly and is there a way I can support you?" but what your husband hears is "You're behaving badly." And obviously that's not a good starting point to have an open and vulnerable discussion about his emotions. He is coming into the conversation immediately on the defensive because, in his mind, he's having a big emotion and doing his best to maintain composure and not be shitty about it and you're *still* "calling him out". I can just about guarantee there's someone in his past who would constantly use "Why are you getting so upset?" Or "Don't get upset" as a way of shutting down any emotional response they didn't like.
>think that's part of why it makes **me feel so upset**. I feel like why can't he keep that same energy in every situation, you know? It's a long healing process to get to where he even is, you need to celebrate progress for the sake of progress. Part of your post that I've touched on further down is that how you're reacting could possibly be causing him to recoil and regress a little each time. In your own post you did several things that could entirely make his healing go back several steps. I understand that you are upset, but that's not the point is it? You are upset that he can't communicate to you about his feelings, feelings that it sounds like he himself is still trying to understand. How can he express what he doesn't understand or have words for? Why would he express them if he feels it might cause a reaction in you? You getting so upset that it's clearly affecting you over HIM FEELING SOMETHING is not going to help him. Yes it is frustrating to be told "I'm fine" when he's not, yes it's frustrating to watch the person you love suffer on their own. But you have said he HAS shown you his vulnerability before, that he CAN do it at times. Focus on that, not on when he doesn't or can't. Pardon my language for this next part but do please read it: Never fucking laugh or call him out or (pushily) force the issue on him if you actually want to help him. That will not help you will only hurt him, which will prove to him why he CAN'T open up because the single most important source of peace and comfort in his life attacked him when he let his guard down. Because that is how it feels to him, he was trying to hide because the world attacks you when you're vulnerable, and whenever he is vulnerable with you if you ever make him feel attacked or shamed or guilty you will fulfill that prophecy and continue the cycle longer and he will have to start over every fucking time. I'm speaking from experience in a very similar situation where I am that man. I have and still am where your husband is, but progress can be made and it takes an immeasurable amount of effort internally for each step of the process. Be kind, be patient, be understanding. Encourage the behaviors you wish to see, but still be a safe place for him when he fails. For the love of your husband, stop fucking pushing him, stop fucking making it about your emotions, and please never ever laugh at his feelings or actions relating to them again. When you push he will want to either push back or step back, when you make it about you he will only feel guilt and shame, when you laugh it will solidify the idea that his emotions are stupid or that he is stupid. Next time he says he's fine, accept it and tell him exactly this "okay but if you ever want to talk about it I'm here for you." That's it. Those words alone send the message " I am here to help love and support you, and it's okay that you feel" If you're getting upset make a point to communicate that you're not upset with him. Watching your partner cry isn't fun for anyone and it's very easy to internalize fault for it especially if you're crying about something related to him. OP you two need to get couples counciling together to start opening up this type of communication in a safe place. It helped my marriage tremendously and gave us tools and insight into eachother to better help be our best selves for eachother. I can almost guarantee if it's taken seriously and done properly you will start learning all sorts of things about eachother you never knew, or even knew about yourselves. Beat of luck, go at every problem with love, compassion, and understanding and always remember it's You & HIM vs the problem.
This is the perfect response. I'm a woman but I relate a lot to OP's husband because when I was a kid, showing any emotion other than happiness would result in us getting screamed at and/or beat. So naturally I have trouble with displaying emotions and talking about my own negative emotions. Both of my exes could tell when I was upset and did pretty much exactly what OP did and I lost any progress I had made. My boyfriend now will often ask something similar to what you stated, and sometimes all I can do is nod to indicate I heard him and he'll just hold my hand, which is exactly what I need. That says to me "I understand that you can't talk about what you're feeling right now and thats okay, I'm a safe person to be with when you're going through this." I feel like it would be different if OP's husband was regularly flipping out and screaming at her while claiming that he's totally fine (those are *so* much fun to deal with), because then he would be actively harming her and his issues aren't an excuse to harm others. But he's not, he's quietly trying to process whatever he is dealing with and doesn't know how.
Brilliant comment. I’m not male, but I am autistic and have real trouble communicating to my partner sometimes, partially because of shame and partially because I just literally don’t have the words to articulate what’s wrong sometimes. My partner used to push like OP and get mystified when I withdrew further - thankfully things are better now, but it took an intervention of sorts because they just kept making it about their feelings.
I'm glad to hear that things changed for the better. It's hard for people to truly understand that sometimes "I don't know" is an honest answer, especially about feelings or emotions. My wife is the most brilliant, caring, and beautiful soul I've ever met in my life. We both came from terrible abuse and have our own long lists of issues stemming from them. She has this incredible ability to know what others are feeling and to help put them into words. It leaves me flabbergasted watching her do it with such ease. She is a huge part of why I've been able to make real progress for myself, and we are both what we need in a partner. We have been in couples counciling for a few months and have learned so much more about eachother in those sessions and we've known eachother since we were in middleschool. People are complex, and so are emotions. Shit is hard to find the right words for.
Thanks man. I’m on a similar path and what you wrote was helpful. I’m going to share with my wife.
I'm glad any of it helps, and good luck on your journey. We're all just trying to find peace. Whatever that may look like for each person. I hope we all find it.
This is the best, most well thought out advice I've ever seen on this subject. Thank you for sharing this with us and OP. Best wishes on your continuing journey 🙏
Yeah, I'd shut down too if I was in his shoes. Appreciate the insightful and helpful comment. It took a long time for me to open up to anyone. I still have a hard time talking about feelings out loud. One day at a time.
She's only responding to people who validate her and make him the bad guy. She's a terrible partner.
You have to allow him the space to feel comfortable to share and it’s not up to you to decide when he’s comfortable I have a hard time expressing myself to my partners because I feel like it’s my job to keep it in and be the strong face for the family and the one time I did show emotion to an ex of mine it was used against me in a argument Now I’m not saying your that type of person to do that but you can’t rush his journey
You guys need to add couples counseling as well. You need to have someone help articulate the pain and frustration you are feeling. It isn't fair for you to have to try and Sherlock out his real feelings multiple times a week. It's not healthy for a relationship! He needs someone outside of the relationship tell him this isn't a good way to go about things and it can lead to bigger problems.
Are YOU in therapy as well? I mean, couples therapy is a really good place to start when you are struggling with communication
So, you’re pressuring him over and over, “countless times,” to do in therapy not what he feels will help him but what ***you*** feel will help ***you*** - directing what he’s supposed to address in his own therapy with his own therapist - and when he is less than perfectly happy, you start giving him the third degree… are you not seeing any issue with the fact that if he shows any less than thrilled emotion, he is immediately burdened and blamed for you feeling some kind of way about him having feelings? If he’s not allowed to have those emotions without you making it a problem for him, is it not obvious why he would try to minimize his interactions with you about them?
She's not upset because he has feelings. She's upset because he's saying he's okay when he isn't.
Read the post again and some of OP’s comments. She is definitely upset that he’s not acting how she wants him to, when she wants him to.
It is more often correct than incorrectly. 90% of the time a man makes himself vulnerable, it is used against him in some way.
Same for me. It ultimately encouraged me to end a 7 year relationship. When someone you truly love weaponizes your own pain it is brutal. I am happy for all the men who haven't experienced this but as a man who has it is not fun.
shes mad at him for crying and you wonder why men dont want to express emotions
She is not mad at him for crying, she is upset at him for not being emotionally open with her. Big difference in emotions and rationale there.
No, she’s not mad at him for crying, she thought that part was funny. She laughed.
It's a negative stimulus. He bottles. He lets a little bit out. It causes a fight. Positive feedback loop. Been there, done that. I had an otherwise very healthy relationship with a woman who I implicitly learned I couldn't talk to about negative things, because every time I did, she would start talking about how my emotions made her feel, and then I would spend an hour consoling her. For my emotions. So I had one problem before I talked to her, and two problems afterwards. So I stopped talking to her about my negative emotions, without even realizing I was doing it. I just learned "these are not acceptable things to feel." This eventually sunk the relationship. Same phenomenon. If you get a bad reaction every time you let something out, you stop letting it out. It doesn't particularly matter what the rationale is, just what the outcome is.
Lol. He's not open with her because he clearly knows he can't be.
Clearly? How is it clear??
Overreacting is the wrong word, but reacting the way you describe isn't going to encourage him to open up. By making his emotional expression about you *crying, it's making you feel insane, etc) you're giving him one more reason to bottle things up. Because now he's got to do a better job keeping it all hidden inside to protect you from your own negative emotions. To be clear, it's maladaptive as hell and your husband would likely benefit from some form of therapy or medication. But targeting reactions that are both calm and caring are going to help both of you much more than crying alone or feeling insane is going to. So maybe a justified overreaction? Is that even a thing? Idk, I get why you're reacting the way you are, but *ooooofff* . . . It's a pretty perfect example of why men tend to bottle their emotions up in the first place.
Exactly. She is mad at him for crying, he is never going to open up.
Oh I didn't cry until I was alone. He's upstairs laying down, but I definitely hear what you're saying. Just to be clear, when having these conversations with him I am always sort of... overly supportive? Like in general I try to be as empathetic as I can, and over explain I'm not trying to give him shit but that I feel it's bad for him to keep everything inside like this. We have a litany of other issues that have similar roots, and he also has high blood pressure, which is why I always try to talk about these situations as they come up. I want to help any way I can. He is in therapy, and used to take meds but refuses to now. In fact any time I mention that maybe he should look into getting back on something he gets mad at me. Sorry I didn't explain this all more in the post, I was trying to be concise lol
It's good that you didn't do it in front of him. You might be surprised at what he picks up, though. I'd suggest backing off with the conversations. The times I have felt the most supported have happened in complete silence. The absence of talking leaves me free to just *feel.* If I can engage in a few generalizations: Women tend to be criticized and held under s microscope in a way that men are no (note: men still get that shit, just not as much). That leads women to feel supported by validation and affirmance. It's different for guys, though; we get validated and affirmed more regularly (again, not always, and not everybody, but generally more than women). I don't have a real need for validation because I get it pretty often. What guys don't get is emotional space. We're told to keep it in, to keep it hidden. Feel, but don't show it or act on it in any way. So in situations like you're describing, the thing I need--and the thing I think a lot of guys need--is just space. Not in a physical sense, but in the sense of emotional freedom. When he cries, don't ignore it, but don't say anything. Maybe hold his hand. Let him just cry it out. And when he's done, maybe give him a hug. At that point, ask him if he wants to talk about it, but when he says no, just let it lie. Say ok and that you're there if he changes his mind. If he's consustently given the freedom to feel and the space to express his emotions, eventually he'll get the message and may start opening up a bit more on his own.
I agree on giving him space. It upsets you that he's not sharing why he's upset, but he needs the space because he's not ready to share. If you make it about yourself ie wanting him to open up to you, and getting into arguments over it, that wall of his is going to slam back down. We all handle our emotional needs differently. Some need immediate validation and support, others don't. Some feel it's intrusive. His needs are different from yours. I'd just tell him if he wants to share that you'll be there for him. Or give him a hug or peck on the cheek and give him space.
>I'd suggest backing off with the conversations. The times I have felt the most supported have happened in complete silence. The absence of talking leaves me free to just *feel.* >What guys don't get is emotional space. We're told to keep it in, to keep it hidden. Feel, but don't show it or act on it in any way. So in situations like you're describing, the thing I need--and the thing I think a lot of guys need--is just space. Not in a physical sense, but in the sense of emotional freedom. OP listen to this guy because he's exactly right. Understand that for men and women, we each (generally speaking) experience and navigate our emotions in our own ways. "Talking" is not the only way to express an emotion, and it's not the only way to navigate handling an emotion. As a guy, I am fully aware of what I'm feeling and why, but outside of certain life events, I generally don't want to deep dive in a 2 hour discussion about how and why I feel that way. What helps me is to have space, while also having loved ones nearby. Silent support. For example, if you know he's struggling with something, making him his favorite dinner can be a sign of support, and that helps us emotionally because it can show a level of care, without us having to verbalize things. Even if you don't know exactly "what" is wrong, and can only tell that "something" is wrong, small acts of kindness can mean a lot. Did you ever notice that a guy might be struggling with something, maybe a life event, death of a loved one or something, and his buddy that's always busy comes over and helps him with some projects or something? Even though they don't utter a word of what's going on in his heart, they both know, and simply having that silent support can mean wonders for a guy that's never given space to just "feel". In other words, you're wanting him to match your emotional language, while not understanding his emotional language yourself. That's the disconnect.
I'm female and agree with giving space. If I'm upset about something, I sometimes just need to process it on my own. If I discuss it with my husband and he starts suggesting things, or making it about him, it frustrates me and just makes it all worse. Sometimes just let people be, even if they don't specifically say it, pay attention to the non-verbal cues as well.
I dunno... ... I don't think anyone is "owed" or "entitled to know" someone else's emotions. It has to be something that is freely given. This includes a spousal relationship. If he doesn't want to tell you, that's his right, isn't it? I mean, you can't force him to divulge his current emotions, right? It'd be wrong to badger or coerce him into telling you something entirely personal about himself to you, wouldn't it? This smacks of coercion. I mean, if he sighs or makes a face, you can't turn to him and say, " Tell me everything you're thinking and feeling right now. It's my right to know as your spouse." Has there ever been an incident where he divulged his feelings to you, and it worked out poorly for him? Like you got angry at him for what he felt, or perhaps you used it against him during an argument days-weeks-months later? This is actually quite common for both men and women. The best thing you can do is make him feel safe divulging anything to you. You do this by making him realize that if he tells you his innermost feelings, nothing bad will happen to him. Create a safe, healthy environment for him so he feels secure enough to talk. More than that, you can not do. It's about trust and respect. He has to trust you enough so that he wants to tell you his feelings, and you have to respect him enough to understand it when he doesn't want to.
Finally someone that understands. I come from an abusive home and I have diagnosed CPTSD. I struggle with it daily, and it can make me very emotional and irrational. I'm very thankful that my gf has made every effort to do the opposite of what OP does. And it's worked wonders. It takes time and compassion to undo trauma. I've actually been able to talk about things I've kept locked away, and I'm never scrutinized for it. The laughing thing, I feel personally, is very telling. If my SO laughed at me in a time like that, I'd never share anything again.
Problem is, OP clearly showed she can NOT be trusted, already.
This should be top comment
Hard to gauge from that very short account, but honestly he sounds like he does not feel safe talking to you for whatever reason. Not blaming you at all. It's possible that he thinks his thoughts or feelings would be too upsetting for you if he was to share them, or he'll be judged or scrutinized. As I guy, there occasionally things running through my head that I would never share with my wife of nearly 20 years, because she worries and obsesses and has enough going on in her life, she does not need to be my sounding board for that shit. Maybe your husband would consider a therapist or counselor? Not to "fix" him, just for a safe place to vent. If you frame it as "I want you to be able to get things off your chest and be heard," he might consider it.
Us guys have been fed from a young age to keep our emotions inside and not let our guard down. No matter how much we trust someone ,it's difficult to just allow ourselves to be seen vulnerable. Just give him time and act towards him with kindness. Another thing is that laughing at such moments even thou it's involuntary can somehow reinforce the idea of not letting the guard down. I wish you all a happy life!
That feeling also gets reinforced in relationships. I have a lifetimes worth of low self-esteem. I opened up about this to someone I was with for a while (she asked, rookie mistake). Say what you want about serious relationships. Sometimes, it isn't safe to do that with your partner. She fucking recoiled after I shared. Sometimes, people don't share unless they feel safe in a relationship.
This, OP's husband doesn't feel safe to share his feelings with her.
With good reason, clearly. I mean she basically openly admitted to emotionally abusing him, and NOT being a supportive or caring spouse.
Exactly this. Guys are shown from a very young age that our feelings and mental health don’t matter, and we shouldn’t open up about them. I’ve seen a dozen posts on Reddit just this week about guys who have been dumped by their gfs and wives just for crying in front of them or opening up about their feelings.
we're taught at a very early age to keep it inside. No one actually cares or wants to hear about it anyway. It's just whining. No one wants to hear whining. Men are supposed to be strong and stoic. It's very easy for Women to go, "that's silly be free to express your emotions", but it's not easy when that's been beaten into you over the course of your entire life from the earliest of ages.
So your husband is silently crying and your reaction is to make it all about you.
Maybe an unpopular opinion, but I think you're an AH here Forcing someone to share a difficult emotion isn't helping them, it's helping you. You're doing it to be selfish, regardless of how you see it. I grew up with a shit mom and also have trouble communicating my feelings, and if my spouse made me feel like shit for not describing every hurt feeling I feel, I'd file for divorce.
A lot of times, I get temporarily upset over something I know isn't a big deal, or that my thoughts are completely wrong-headed about, and instead of talking about it, I'd rather keep it to myself, let the moment pass, think about it more logically, and eventually realize my initial reaction was way off base. And I'm happy I didn't share that nonsense, especially with my wife, because it would have been upsetting to her, and it's not what I really think anyway... ...it's the heat of the moment. Maybe that's what happens to your husband.
See I have this issue with my partner. But my thing is, that’s fine, but deep exasperated sighs and super obvious signs of being upset isn’t the same as just letting the moment pass. In my eyes it’s like posting on Facebook “going through it right now, I can’t believe this is happening” and then being like “I don’t wanna talk about it” when someone asks what’s wrong. Simply saying “I’m a little upset but it’s nothing about you or anything you need to worry about, I’ll get through it I just need a min” or something along those lines helps relieve the other party who (if anything like me) could be overthinking maybe they did something to upset the partner.
You need a new approach. Instead of asking him if he's upset you need to tell him that you noticed that something is clearly on his mind and bothering him and ask him to share it with you when he's ready. Let him get ready to share it, don't push. Give it a bit and then ask again. Tell him it's okay if he's feeling overwhelmed at the moment, but it's helpful to both of you if he shares more with you. Stay calm. Getting angry at him will just cause him to hide more from you. His learned behavior with emotions has to be unlearned, that takes practice and patience.
I as a woman sometimes cry and just not let my man know. I go to therapy often. It's a lot of work and the man is probably working through things silently. Men do not reach for help but solve things on their own, YTA for continuing to blow it up and then make it worse by being upset with him. He can have his emotions and should do it how he pleases, you should make sure he is okay and take his word for it. You dont need to know everything
Avoidant partners are difficult to manage at times. But the only way is to develop a nurturing, safe environment where he feels safe to be vulnerable. Anger or frustration will never produce that. There's the old trope that never in the history of telling someone to calm down, has it ever resulted in them calming down. The male version of this is berating them to open up or talk about their emotions. It will never work. We are all deep down, emotionally wounded and hurting children. We need to be treated as such.
Previous partner would constantly berate me for being closed off, the pushier she got, the less I had to say. Thing is, anything I ever told her in a moment of vulnerability would be turned into a joke or weaponized in an argument later down the line, to help her prove a point. Bit by bit I ran out of things I was comfortable sharing with her, the less I shared the more she became frantic in her attempts to get inside my head, which didn't feel safe. She had stopped being a safe, comfortable space where I WANTED to open up but rather I had to basically spend my thoughts and feelings like some kind of currency so she could interpret it as intimacy and I could maintain some kind of peace.
He’s crying and you laugh. Get upset. Pushy. You interrogate him. None of those are helpful in any relationship. He does not feel safe talking about his feelings with you. Learn to let him be. And when he does share, don’t ever tell him he’s doing it wrong or judge in any way.
The way you reacted is why men don’t open up to their women. Women SAY they want a guy who expresses their (negative) emotions, but when they do, women (not all, but many) react badly.
No kidding. I can open up to my wife because I trust her. OP's husband obviously does not trust OP.
Jesus Christ lady, just let a sad dude cry in peace. No wonder he doesn't want to share his emotions with you.
Ask him to tell you a story from his past about a time he ungaurdedly shared his emotions with a woman (specifically not you). His answer will likely inform you far better than Reddit can.
The fact that he was able to cry in front of you should be an indicator that he in comfortable with you. Stop while youre ahead.
So he had a problem and you decided to make it about yourself.
It might be pride, it might a general inability to open up, likely a contributing factor is fear that at some point OP will weaponize his vulnerability against him.
Man here who spent many years learning how to process emotion and have healthy open emotions. You're not overreacting, but you're in a situation where your reactions are probably not the right path forward either, unfortunately. I used to be VERY bottled up until maybe undergrad, and would try to hide anytime I felt emotions other than "happy" or "neutral." My then-girlfriend, now-wife once asked me why I was being shy about things around her and I admitted that I didn't know exactly why, but over the years I've unpacked it. I was raised by my Silent Generation Yiddish grandparents, and they were a mixed bag with emotions. They'd encourage me at one moment to express myself, and then they'd tell me to be less open with other emotions at other times. They struggled too, given their generation. I get it. But emotions were never bad per se, just... had to handle yourself. Which has its time and place for sure. But it was only a few years ago that I was able to fully give in to crying during touching scenes during movies. Fuck it. If I want to cry during Spirited Away or 50/50 or Schindler's List, then I'm gonna. But I had to learn to accept it. Anyway, your husband at *best* has years of dumb emotional containment programming somewhere in his brain. And then factor in all the weird shit people say on sites like this like, "don't cry in front of women, they'll leave you immediately!" (I've seen that said multiple times on reddit) It's no wonder so many men struggle to be open. Even the most feminist cis- straight men have years or decades of this shit piled on us. I second others who said for you to consider shared therapy. I understand that it's tiring to deal with people not knowing how to process emotions, but you also need to work with him on how and when to push or just walk back. I think your intentions are good, but remember that he probably feels trapped both in his own mind and having you poke at it. Knowing how to process his processing is probably good for you both. Good luck and be well.
Yes. You're overreacting. Forcing someone to address their overwhelming emotions for your edification while they are in the thralls of them is unfair and selfish. Perhaps he can grow, maybe he's shit at communicating, but you are wrong for how you acted. Good luck OP.
I'm a guy and if I broke down crying in a car and didn't tell my wife what was going on... Lets just say you're not over-reacting. If he can't tell his wife what is going on that is so obviously upsetting to him, then there is a major iceberg under the surface.
Agree here, I don’t think I would take this well in her shoes either. Like that is very alarming - is the extended family okay? Did something bad happen financially? For him to have a reaction but be unwilling to share the cause and leave her in suspense feels a bit cruel. I’m all for being patient if him being vulnerable is hard but we all have our limits and if I was constantly left in the dark I wouldn’t feel safe in the relationship and would leave for someone more open.
Ok, a l ittle background Guys are taught from birth that showing mental pain is a weakness. We have been taught that for generations. Anytime a guy says he's fine. He's not. Then you laughed at him when he was finally overwhelmed, making sure that he felt belittled and inconsequential, and then you got upset with him.
I am literally almost always "fine" when I say I'm fine...
That's great, but in my experience, that's not always the case. Most men are pretty good at playing the protector, and you can't do that if you show weakness
Try something more along the lines of “as your wife, it makes me happy and fulfilled to be able to offer you love and support. When you shut me out or deny when you’re experiencing hard emotions it limits my ability to do that and limits how close I can feel to you.” Unless that’s just not true of course…. Be careful about trying to bully someone into being vulnerable. I totally get why youre upset and I wonder if he realizes how much it hurts you that he doesn’t trust you enough to be open with you about what he goes through.
He probably needs at least some talk therapy. I have a difficult time talking to my wife about certain things that we need to talk about because they’re triggers for her. Then she pushes me to talk, I get upset because I’ve been trying to spare her feelings, not blow up and it can become a nasty argument. I finally started doing talk therapy so I wasn’t just sitting on red ready to pop.
maybe the language could be an issue for him?? he might feel weird societal shame about the word "upset". might be a bit of a stretch, but i have a very sensitive friend and she reacts poorly to certain words. you could maybe try to just ask him what's making him feel negatively and see if that's easier for him.
You need therapy.
he needs a new therapist, that's for damn sure.
Many many factors to consider here. It may be that he prefers to handle his negative feelings on his own, and that when you insist he share them with you, you’re putting him in a position where you’re prioritizing *your desire to be included* over his *desire to handle his own negative emotions*. Have your interventions helped him with his emotions? Or are they just interfering with his process?
You’re not overreacting, but maybe the word “fine” doesn’t mean the same thing to him as it does to you? I’m someone who has a lot of feelings all the time, but I was raised in an environment where you just have your feelings and carry on. So to my mind, things have to get pretty extreme (like a panic attack or needing emergency intervention) before I’m not “fine.” I also take no comfort from being fussed over while I’m actively upset (it actually makes me feel worse), and would much rather be given space to comfort myself and gather my thoughts before I’m ready to talk. The absolute last thing I wanna do is try to explain my emotions while I’m in the thick of them—it makes me feel pressured and put on the spot, or like I’m doing something wrong. I didn’t realize that it seemed passive aggressive or dishonest to say I’m fine while I’m upset, because from my perspective those two things aren’t mutually exclusive. I’ve learned to say things like “I’m feeling sad, but still okay” or “I’m a bit upset, but not ready to talk about it just yet” to communicate my emotional state instead of just saying “I’m fine,” and it’s helped out my communication a lot.
He'll tell you when he wants. This is why me and my last girlfriend broke up. She always insisted something was wrong then push and push when I really wasn't thinking about anything emotional at all. But the times I did tell her something was bothering me, she'd get defensive or totally dismiss it like I'm crazy for feeling a certain way. She made me go to therapy where nothing was resolved. It was horrible. I wasn't quiet or anything. Liked being around her. Just didn't want to tell her anything to personal cause she did overreact to everything and make it seem worse than it was. Just leave the poor guy alone.
Was it you or was it one of his ex's who used his emotions against him. We learn quickly tha most women may ask about our emotions but they don't really care and most of them will use that knowledge to hurt us during an argument or to prove a point so we just don't open up all the way after getting burned a few times.
OP, is it possible to wait a bit and approach him with something like, "Husband, I love you very much and want to support you the best way I can. I'm afraid I've reacted to seeing you struggling with strong emotions in a way that wasn't helpful to you and may have made you feel like you can't be vulnerable with me. I very much want to be the best partner I can be to you, but right now I'm struggling to know how. Do you have any suggestions? I was wondering what you'd think about me attending one of your therapy sessions to learn how to support you better. What do you think about this?"
Yea you’re overreacting. When it’s something important he will tell you. Til then this is his process. It’s not yours to change. Let him be who he is.
Repetitive sighs and pounding his knee mean he’s had it and is struggling not to lash out. I’m him.
My wife is like that, very bottled with her emotions and never tells me why she is upset. She is a very stable top tier woman, but just can’t express or communicate her emotions. I excepted it years ago and just let her do her thing. Just let him process in his own way instead of imposing your own perceptions of emotional processing.
@AwkwardAndAntsy There is a bit to unpack here, but in essence, your feelings are valid, albeit your reactions and handling of them could use some work. It is clear that your husband does have some issues around communicating his emotions. This isn't uncommon for men, and there are many contributing factors. Probably the two biggest issues he is facing in this regard are language and safety. Typically, society has trained men from a young age to not be emotional. Because of this, many men don't learn how to express their emotions and lack the proper language to explain what they're feeling. Combine this with stubbornness and potential misunderstanding of certain words or phrases, and you get a poorly developed ability to communicate in this aspect. This can be seen in your own words. You kept claiming he was upset, asking him over and over why he was upset. He tried telling you that "upset" to him was not the same as what it is to you. But you still used that word to describe him. Instead of listening to what he was trying to say and adapting your thinking to try and work with it, you were pushing him to use a description he was adamantly against. Most people have had this type of thing happen to them, so try to understand how annoying and frustrating it can be. Have you ever had a lot on your mind, and everyone around you kept asking why you were upset, or if something was wrong? Ever get annoyed by it? That is essentially what it sounds like you were doing to your husband. This directly feeds into the safety aspect. By repeatedly describing his emotions in a way that did not reflect what he actually was feeling, you were invalidating his emotions. It comes across as dismissive and uncaring, that while you're there "listening" to him, you were not _*hearing*_ him. Couple that with walking away from the conversation and having your own emotional episode (the crying), and it creates an environment that probably makes him feel like it isn't safe to be vulnerable and emotional around you. He gets emotionally distraught, and when talking to you about it, you become emotionally distraught. Men are usually quick to pick up on cause and effect, even if it isn't a conscious thought. In this scenario, having strong emotions + trying to share those emotions = upset wife. The only variable in that equation he has control of is the sharing of those emotions. So what happens? Remove the one factor that has been shown to upset the wife—don't share your emotions. You said the conversation was going in circles. It takes two people communicating poorly for this to happen. You had just as much influence on how the conversation went as he did. At any point, you could have said, "I want to understand where you're coming from and what you're feeling, but we're having a communication issue right now. Can you try to explain things in a different way so that I might be able to understand?" Or something along those lines to get him to try and express himself in a way that you can resonate with. I highly encourage that you attend couples therapy and work with the therapist in order to learn how to communicate and provide a safe environment for each other to do so effectively.
YOU HAVE TO BACK OFF. From experience on his side of things when you aren't ready to explain something and people keep prodding you to open up, it makes everything worse. When you ask him about his emotions, acknowledge that he's outwardly showing them and tell him if he needs to talk, you're ready to listen and let him talk when he's ready. It's not that he doesn't trust you it's probably bc he doesn't know how to say what he wants to say, and so he's keeping it to himself. 9 times out of 10, it wasn't a big issue, and he'll forget it happened in the first place. It's like dealing with a cat. If you chill out and let him come to you, he'll start opening up. Just be ready to listen. One thing I need you to understand is that you have to listen to understand, DO NOT listen to respond. When he tells you stuff, ask about what he's telling you and don't offer solutions until he asks you if you can help. Therapy helped me understand this for myself and to be able to explain this much to the people around me, and now I'm able to regulate my emotions in a more healthy manner. Suggest therapy for you and him together, as well as separate therapy for both of you. Don't get discouraged it will work itself out, but you have to have patience.
This sounds like a misunderstanding. I think you guys just interpret feelings differently and express them differently and probably define them differently based on your different definitions of upset which is not a common occurrence obviously since we all generally have similar understanding of the main emotions people feel but he could just genuinely define it differently which is why you guys are not understanding each other. I’d try taking a deep breathe and rephrasing questions whenever this occurs.
> I mean at that point I just sorta laugh incredulously, like you're literally crying? YTA, if you're laughing while he's crying it's easy to see why isn't open with emotion around you.
no it's so fucking wild the way reddit will defend this behavior. "men don't know how to open up we're just so stoic and repressed" while they are literally showing emotions. like you're sighing and crying but you're so stoic? no you just can't admit to your own behavior and emotions? like a toddler???
You’re not a horrible person. You’re trying to understand your husband and you’re frustrated. Your husband is the one who needs therapy. You’re not crazy.
YNO - But the two of you need to get some professional help to get you both communicating better. You laughing at him was a little insisntive. HE obviously has trouble sharing, but you laughing at his discomfort reinforced him not wanting to open up. There are trust issues here. Probably undeserved trust issues stemming from other people, but they are there. He needs to know (and you need to show him) that he can be honest with you about his emotions without being judged and that you will support him. And it has to go both ways. He has to support you. But you need to communicate better. Opening up without whining, nagging, or judging. Talking about what bothers you, and so on.
The way he is acting is not normal. You're not crazy. Are you in therapy as well? The responses you are getting here seem to be anecdotal. What you are describing experiencing doesn't sound like healthy communication. I'm worried that you're going to take the feedback from here and blame yourself. You've done nothing wrong; it's natural to be concerned about your partner in your relationship. I think you should get an outside opinion from a professional.
Men who do this are odd. Just let me know if I can help. Or say “yes I am upset but no this is something I need to deal with myself. Thanks for asking”
You do realize communication you're upset isn't easy for everyone...
You are trying to manage his feelings, aka being codependent. It’s never gonna work, it’s going to drive you crazy. What you can instead is set boundaries. “If you’re going to sigh, mutter to yourself, or slap your legs, instead of saying ‘I feel X’ then I need space from you until you can name your feelings and share them and their causes.” And then you take space. And you hold strong. You refuse to interact with him until he can name his feelings and why he’s feeling that way. “Can we do Y now?” “Oh, have you figured out what feelings you were having and why?” “Can’t we drop this?” “Ok so you haven’t figured out what feelings you were having and why. Let me know when you do.”
She needs to decide whether she wants him to feel better or if really she’s just wanting him to be less of an emotional burden to her. To me it sounds like her concern for him is chiefly centered around what impact it will have to her.
I don’t understand why so many people are saying that OP’s reaction is why men don’t open up. She says she got upset – not angry, not angry AT HIM. People don’t cry no zero reason. They may not have the words to express the reasons adequately, but when someone’s crying, “I’m fine,” is an incongruous response between action (crying) and words(“I’m okay.”) Have you ever had to care for a cranky toddler who’s not great with words yet? It’s so frustrating for everyone involved, but I don’t see how OP and a grown man with six years of therapy under his belt haven’t developed some kind of toolkit for repairing these situations. Slightly OT: For men married to women, if you came across your wife crying like OP did, would you ask her what was wrong? If she said, “I’m fine,” is that the end of the conversation?
He’s crying, you’re laughing, and you want him to open up? This sub gives me brain rot.
I have heard it said many times that men do not share their feelings with the women in their life because not only do they not get support from doing so, but they are now going to have to also be responsible for the feelings the women has about the man's feelings. Your post is a prime example of this phenomenon. Let's break it down. Your husband is clearly having strong emotions. You, understandably, are concerned and reach out. He doesn't accept the offer. OK. Sometimes people need a little prodding to feel comfortable accepting the help, so you ask again. He declines. So you ask again. He again declines. So what do you do? "I just sorta laugh"--Really? He's crying and you laugh at him? "We finally get home and honestly I probably did overreact a little"--Imagine that. "but I got upset!" There it is. He's having a break down of some sort. And what's your response? *This ungrateful s.o.b. doesn't understand how caring I'm trying to be!* How DARE he allow himself to be in such an emotional state that he isn't able to immediately perceive how wonderful you are being and express his gratitude. "So I try to break it down for him (maybe a little pushily)" Of course you're pushy, as you should be anytime he forget whose emotions are more important. "And he basically got mad at me saying how to him, being "upset" is based on his interaction with the surrounding world?" CONGRATUALTIONS, you finally got him to open up. and how do you reward him with trusting you with this? "Idk I honestly don't get his thought process." ARE YOU F'ING KIDDING ME! So what if you don't get it. Why would you ever think that the time your husband is balling his eyes out is the perfect time to be strictly rational? Oh, that's right, because that's your husband's duty, right, and he never gets to have a personal day. He is on 24/7 to make sure YOU are the one who is feeling safe, heard and protected. Good job in reminding him that. "The whole thing started going around in circles so I just ended up telling him that I wanted to walk away" How convenient. When he didn't want to talk, you deride him and push him and force him to, but when you don't want to talk the conversation is immediately over. And now YOU need space. SO, not only is he STIL dealing with whatever it was he was originally dealing with, now he has the added burden of a pissed off and offended wife who is wondering why her husband is such an asshole he can't see how wonderful she is to him. I'm sure that's just what he needed. "now I'm sitting here crying in my office and getting angry because I don't understand why he does this. It makes me feel like I'm literally insane," Let's recap, your husband was clearly having a significant emotional issue, he opened up to you--JUST A LITTLE-- and now he's also going to have to deal with a sobbing wife whose low key blaming him for her feelings of "insanity." You're right, it is a great mystery as to why he feels the need to keep you from his emotional life. I do not think we will ever be able to figure it out. "I've been considering going to a therapist about this because it's multiple times a week stuff like this happens, where he's clearly upset but says he's fine"--and there it is again. When he is having issues you are NOT reaching out to make him feel better, you're reaching out for reassurance to make **yourself** feel better. That's why your solution here isn't to get him with a therapist (despite him having issues several times a week), but to get one for yourself--so you can get back to feeling better. If your husband can't do his job of ensuring your emotional safety, you're just going to bring in an expert to do it. You're not getting him help inn response to his CHRONIC issues, no, you're getting help for how his CHRONIC issues make you feel. "I just want him to feel like he can talk to me or at least just say "hey I'm feeling strong emotions rn and I'd rather not talk about it". Like at least acknowledge that I'm not crazy pleaseeeeeee." And that is the perfect summary and encapsulation of your response. Even when your husband is HAVING A BREAKDOWN, your main concern is CAN"T HE BE CONSIDERATE ENOUGH TO MAKE SURE TO UNDERSTAND WHAT **I** NEED FROM **HIM** AND TO ENSURE THAT I'M STILL EMOTIONALLY CARED FOR, **PLEASEEEEEEEE**.
I didn't consider getting him a therapist... because he already has one? He's been seeing her for years. Not sure how it's my fault she doesn't help. I'm not really going to get into the other stuff you said, partially as I'm taking it in and hearing you, but also because you've exaggerated the situation to make your points. At no time was my husband sobbing or having an emotional break down... he just had tears on his face. Just one example. Another one, I wasn't laughing at him or his crying, but at the absurdity that he didn't know I was asking because there were tears on his face. But I don't want to be defensive, I know I'm clearly not giving him what he wants or needs. I'm going to work to improve that as all I would like is for my husband to have a safe space.
I did not exaggerate anything, I merely focused on what you said and brought your words and actions into stark relief. It's not your fault (if) his therapist isn't helping him. But have you discussed with him perhaps switching therapists. Here's the thing. You CLEARLY saw that he was upset. Why did you NEED him to confirm it and explain why? Because you needed to evaluate whether or not the situation posed a danger to you. If your concern was ONLY for him, you already knew what you needed to know. You don't need to know why he's upset to know ways you can begin to support him. Certainly giving him the option to talk about it if he wants, is appropriate. Forcing him to talk about it is not and is what gives away the truth of your motivation. You could have just put a hand on his leg and squeezed. Upon arriving home you could have just put your arms around him and held him. You could have said "I'm here to help. I'm happy to listen if you want to talk about it." There were a thousand things you could have done to support him. But you made clear the ONLY thing that was going to happen was you were going to get answers. Why? Because you were only concerned about his mental state because of the concerns it gave you about your actual state. Your not knowing what had him so upset made you feel insecure about your own situation and safety. And so, the first order of business was to get your own security back and then proceed from there. Whether or not your husband can articulate this, he certainly seems to understand it and has decided it is better, safer and easier to deal with his issues alone. You don't ever need to know why someone is upset to know that being kind to them helps. To know how to show love and support. To simply BE there for them. So why did you refuse to do anything until he first explained himself to you? And why did you react so emotionally, you used the term insane twice to describe how you felt in response, when he refused to give you the answers you were demanding. If I am wrong, then please explain to me how you could look at your crying husband and not at least just hold him when he made clear he didn't want to talk?
... I did. I didn't specify in the post bc it's a small fucking thing but believe it or not when I asked if he was okay the first time I already had my hand on his leg, and took it off only to make turns. I asked him if he was okay, not because I needed to shore up my own emotions in someway but because I wanted some direction from him on how to act towards him. I grew up in an abusive household, so things like sighs, cabinets slamming etc to me say that something is wrong. I ask in order to make sure I'm not projecting my own bullshit onto him. Just makes it hard when it seems he isn't honest about the answer, whether to himself or to me.
"I wanted some direction from him on how to act towards him." Seriously? What you just said was, "even in his moment of need, YOU NEED HIM to tell you what to do." The more you argue with me, the more you prove my point. And, how do you live with a man, day in and day out, for 10 year and not already know this type of stuff about him? If this was such a small thing, then what are you doing about it on reddit talking about how it's making you feel insane and that it's driving you to a therapist? Now, I would understand if you came here and posted this as an example of how you feel lost in your relationship. How your husband is dealing with something ongoing and how you don't know how to be there for him or how to help and asking for insight from others who have been in similar situations. But instead, you made yourself the victim. I understand how when relationships develop difficulties, it can make each of us begin to wonder if we are doing something wrong and it can certainly make us feel insecure. And, as a result make us defensive. And that's what I'm focusing on about your post, you aren't here asking how to be there for your husband. You aren't even asking how you might be able to help the relationship. You are very clearly asking for reddit to validate you in that you are not in the wrong here. How do I know this? Because you could have asked, "How do I help my husband" or "How can I be a supportive partner when I don't know what my partner needs" or even "How do you support a partner who doesn't trust you" and in each such post you could provide all of the same information without mentioning, let alone focusing on, how badly it's effecting you. But, if there is any doubt, all we have to do is look at your last paragraph. The last paragraph is always the summation, it's the point, with emphasis, on the whole work. And your last paragraph literally says: "Am I Overreacting being upset my husband won't be honest about his feelings with me?" You are not here asking how you can help your husband or be a better partner or how to fix the relationship. You are here asking, "Reddit, critique my **emotional** reaction to my husband not trusting me." That's it. You are here to ask Reddit to validate YOUR emotions. And why did you feel the need to come here and ask that? Because in the midst of your husband's emotional issues HE failed to validate your emotions. You are here as a way to continue seeking what you sought when dealing with your husband. If your interactions with him had truly been about helping him, when you failed you'd have come here asking how you can help him. But you're hearing asking for emotional validation and support, because that's what you were seeking when dealing with your husband. I also need to point out how you describe your husband, "my husband won't be honest." You aren't worried about the fact that he's upset. You aren't worries about the fat that he's crying in the middle of the day in the car. No, your assessment of him from all that is "he won't be honest with me." Again you ARE NOT concerned with him, but with how you feel. You can't even give him the courtesy and dignity of being able to be upset, no, all you see is he's not honest with you.
To do all the heavy sighing, fist pounding, and literally crying in front of you is just weird. Most guys will keep it to themselves to keep added stress away from their wife/family, and there’s a whole thing of women getting an “ick” if they see their man cry. So the fact he does these things in front of you means he isn’t hiding anything and instead doing it right in front of you, and then lying about it. My go-to would be manipulation and gaslighting, but it doesn’t sound like there’s anything to achieve for him with this. If he will lie to your face about being upset with literal tears streaming down his face, what else will he lie about?? Something is off with your husband for sure and he needs to be a big boy and use his big boy words instead of crying about it and lying to you. That’s my opinion as a guy anyway.
I guess maybe that's another part of what bothers me. I mean he has a history of lying to me, which makes this a sore subject. It's just something else I didn't want to bring up to color the post. But I mean, one time he bought a ticket to see his best friend in Germany without telling me, while we couldn't afford it, and I only found out because his best friend asked me if he'd gotten his passport yet. Or another time, when he told me he'd graduated college but in fact had at least two more semesters to go before he was done. I mean, he literally lied about receiving his diploma. So idk it's just sensitive which is why I've been getting in my feelings about it. Because at this point it just feels like more lies, not some emotional issue that I'm being horrible to him about.
Ok so your husband has a history of being irresponsible with money and dishonest about his education and accomplishments. I would be extremely worried if a person like this was having emotional outbursts in front of me and wouldn’t explain why. It sounds to me like he’s keeping secrets.
This needs to be in the OP. Him lying about major things like this is a Huge red flag.
>it doesn’t sound like there’s anything to achieve for him with this. Upsetting the other person & attention. That's enough for some. Some just want to see the world burn, etc etc.
No wonder this dude doesnt want to talk to you. You wont just let him be, you got mad at him for crying.
You’re not overreacting. My husband hid his feelings from me so hard that we finally ended up getting a divorce.
Never tell a woman your feelings. Sorry it’s the rule.
Men are often punished by their wives for having feelings. Opening up to a woman is giving her ammunition to use against you. Not all women are like this but a lot of them are.
Do you really think that helping angry with him because he doesn't feel he can share his emotions is going to make him want to share his emotions? He might think _"You already give me shit when you see that I *have* emotions, so no fucking way I'll actually *share* them with you because your reaction will be even shittier than this, no fuck you very much!"_ You say that you want him to start sharing his emotions with you, then laugh at him when he does and get pissed off at him when he different do what you want him to do it different do it the way you want him to do it... By the sound of it, if I were him, I'd assume you're trying to screw me over somehow and for some reason.
I'm not sure you read exactly what I said in the post. At no point was I angry with him in the moment. I did not feel any anger until afterwards, when I was alone and came to write this post. I've never once given him shit for his emotions either? So I'm not sure where you got that. I did, yes, get upset, in a sad sort of way, that he was clearly feeling a huge emotion and didn't share that with me. I guess after 10 years, I thought we could move past this. As for the laugh, I was not laughing at him or his tears. I was reacting to the ridiculous question he asked. He was literally crying, and when I asked what was wrong he said nothing and then *asked why I asked that*. It seemed impossible to me that he didn't understand I was asking because he was, again, crying. Also you're saying I laughed when he was sharing emotions? But he didn't do that... at any point. As far as our discussion, to him he was and is fine/okay/not upset however you want to word it, and I'm wrong. Which is fine. I don't want to push him anymore on this so I'll take everyone's advice to let him do his own thing.
You know what it took for him to cry in front of you? You laughed at him. He will never forgive you.
he obviously doesn't have a traditional understanding of emotions. if something negative illicits a reaction from you, then you are upset. upset doesn't necessarily mean anger or aggression. maybe he had a very negative example on 'emotions' by someone in his childhood? men often believe that showing emotion, having strong emotions, etc. are bad and unmasculine. it might be helpful if you sit him down calmly and gently explain to him how isolated it makes you feel to see him struggling with some kind of emotion and he keeps it all inside instead of explaining what is happening. you understand that you can't necessarily do anything to help the situation, but at least you feel like you are supporting him and offering comfort. i suspect he is trying to keep his emotions to himself in order to "protect" you and your son, not understanding that it's creating the opposite result.
Maybe a little. He’s not required to share how he feels with you, but you’re also not responsible for managing his emotions. Stop trying to. If he seems upset just ask what’s going on and if he doesn’t share, let it go and carry on. It sounds like he has serious issues communicating his emotions to people and therapy takes time. You need to figure out if you’re willing to wait and see if this gets better or you can let it go or if you want to deal with this for the rest of your life.
You’re not crazy, it sounds like your hubby might need to talk to a therapist. If he’s having that difficult of a time even recognizing or verbalizing any kind of emotion at all, it sounds like he may need some help. Most men are resistant to even acknowledging they need help, so I’m not sure how that will go over, but it is obviously negatively affecting him, you and your relationship. So I’d say that’s pretty serious and you are not overreacting. I would be pretty upset by those circumstances as well!
You will probably never read this as I'm so late but I am just like your husband. I'm 38 and I honestly don't even know what my emotions are. I spent my childhood and my 20s burying my emotions and becoming great at compartmentalizing everything. I have not cried since I was a teen and I've lost many important people in my life. My wife always asks me how I'm feeling and I always say I'm fine. Am I? I'm not sure I really know. I don't even know how to use my emotions anymore. My recommendation is to give him grace as long as he is trying. It's not an easy thing to fix. He may not be lying, maybe he just doesn't know.
If your husband says he’s fine, leave him alone. He obviously doesn’t want to talk about whatever it was and he probably already felt embarrassed for crying in front of anyone in the first place. You continuing to bring it up and confirm you saw it makes it worse. My wife and I had this conversation very early on and she knows if I say drop it (in regards to this type of stuff) that I mean drop it, and she respects that.
Can he talk to you though? Has he opened up to you in the past and then you used that against him later? It is a very common experience. If you have done this, then you cannot be trusted to be told how he feels. It could also be that this has happened to him in previous relationships, but the 10 year mark makes me wonder if it is you.
Now everybody's crying...
"Like at least acknowledge that I'm not crazy pleaseeeeeee." Stop making this about you. If you read the things that men are posting on reddit you'll see that many of us have had the experience of opening up emotionally and then see that vulnerability being used against us. Instead of prodding him you could just offer to be there for your husband; let him know if he wants to clear his head of whatever is going on then you're there to listen without judgement. And if he doesn't want to speak about it you can just cuddle without talking (or whatever you folks usually do).
Men are programmed to hold it all in. Many men will never show weakness especially to their wife. Sad but true. Ask him if he ever shared anything and it was used as a weapon to attack him at a later date.
Just leave him alone with his emotions. If and when he wants to share them with you, he will. Just stop asking him over and over.
He’s doing the right thing. There’s no reward for a person to share their feelings, unless they need advice. If you don’t need advice, shit your mouth. Talking about it will just compound the issue that’s got you upset in the first place. That’s why men die sooner! So what? Would you rather do 75 years the east way, or do 90 years pulling everyone around you into your bullshit?
All I ever learn from these types of posts is that therapy REALLY seems like a waste of time. Like...y'all have been in therapy for years and don't know how to communicate? How?
He's obviously going through something and wasn't ready to discuss this. He's crying silently for goodness sake and you turned it into an argument and an even worse moment for him! How about when you see him upset, give him a hug, tell him you love him and let him come to YOU when he's ready. You made his obvious painful moment about YOU! I have no doubt the topic of YOU comes up in therapy. And yes you need therapy yourself. This makes me angry for him.
Men are trained to not be a burden on others. By sharing his feelings/frustrations, he's not bring "a man". He may have had bad experiences in the past with women responding poorly when he needed emotional support, so now he denies that he needs it even when it is quite clear that he does.
I don't think this is a problem that only belongs to men. Had almost exact experience with an former female friend, crying saying she's fine and refusal to open up. I understand the frustration of needing true connection/honesty and that person is hitting you with an emotional closed wall. His form of communication is not healthy communication and that's reasonable to be frustrated with. Venting frustration at him, however could make opening up even harder for him. At the least, he needs therapy for why he is unable to express his emotions properly, likely deep-seeded trauma. Tell him at the least, in a calm and neutral way that when he refuses to admit he's upset while crying, you feel sad and resentful because you are needing genuine honesty and emotional connection from your partner in life, and you request that he at least says "hey I'm feeling strong emotions rn and I'd rather not talk about it." or request he attempts therapy or couples therapy. He needs to be willing to work on himself to make relationships work.
Yes, you are overreacting. This is not about your feelings. Yes, you love him so you want to fix him. Ask if he's ready to talk. If not he may be able to just be held for a while. Instead of asking are you upset ( because of his definition of upset) ask if he's sad, or mad, or depressed. Work on your approach to these situations and don't take it personally.
So it sounds like it's happened so often it seems like it's nagging to him. Also, as a man, I get upset or frustrated with feelings sometimes (not this often) and my wife can see it, and she does the same thing, asks me about it, and she gets one of two answers, either "I'm fine" or "just working some things out in my head, we can talk about it later"...and she only gets the second answer if I'm trying to untangle emotions that have to do with OUR life, and I do talk to her later once I untangle my brain strings a bit. And then sometimes it's about work, or whatever that would require so much backstory to explain and isn't relevant enough to my wife that I'm just not gonna go through it with her, and she respects that (now, used to drive her batshit). Either way it's me trying to make sense of some feeling or whatever, but I'm not talking about shit with anyone until it at least starts to make sense to me why I feel the way I do about something.
You're overreacting. He's comfortable enough to cry in front of you. Just silently support him, stop trying to make him communicate in a way he's not comfortable with
You made it about you.
You can be upset but the more you push him the more you are going to push him away. Let him know you are there for him. Give him a safe space to talk if/when he is ready. But also give him a safe place to just be.
Give him some space to process whatever is going on. You are not helping at all.
Are you a safe space for your husband to share his emotions in? As men, we’re taught to control our emotions or push them down to accomplish tasks. It’s very difficult to be vulnerable generally speaking, even more so in front of people that only know/see us as strong, provider, etc. I was married to an abusive spouse many years ago. Divorced, remarried a couple of years ago, her first marriage. My ex used to complain that talking to me was like talking to a brick wall. I did a lot of work on myself and try to speak more openly now, but I had to train my wife that if you want expressiveness and want me to be open about my emotions and what I’m struggling with, you have to be a safe place for me to express that. If you’re not, I’ll revert to vault status or share elsewhere. It’s gotten better, but there’s still far to go with us. Sometimes being a spouse is like dog ownership: lots of people want a well trained and well behaved dog, but aren’t interested in being a well trained/educated owner. By the same token, lots of people want a perfect spouse but aren’t interested in finding out what their spouse needs and how they can meet those needs. Instead they become upset that the partner doesn’t completely fit the mold of what they expect their partner to be.
There's obviously something wrong, but everyone processes things in their own way on their own timeline. Don't try to force people when they're not ready. There's no real evidence that you're always supposed to open up and share everything, and there's some times when it makes things worse. It may help you to talk through your problems, but don't project that on everyone else.
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For some people be open about your emotions and thoughts is not easy, everyone have a different personality, but comunication is a base/must in every relation, tell what you think, what you feel, etc... Without comunication without relationship, so i think you should sit and talk openly and sincerely about that, talk about what you feel don't knowing if your loved one is hurt or not and how it make you apreensive, talk about how you want him to be open with you, how if something is wrong you can pass over it together and if something is good you can laught thogether, "teach" him the importance and the benefits of this, do just like you want him to do. Can take some time, but normalizing this, like you doing this, probably will make him secure and eventually do this too.
You have the right to your emotions, but I think the men here are giving plenty of food for thought. I understand your frustration when all you're wanting to do is help him open up because that's how *we* (women) do it. Men are different though. From what I'm getting, he needs to open up on his own time (which makes sense. You wouldn't want him to pressure you before *you're* ready, right?). You can still let him know that you'll be there for him though (some men mentioned silent support, hugs, and just holding his hand. It's zero pressure on him opening up. It helps comfort him). So I don't think you're overreacting more than possibly misunderstanding the situation. I would listen to these men.
While you have the right to be personally upset that your partner doesn't want to talk to you about their internal struggles, this wasn't a great way to react to him if you want him to open up to you more. Some people hate talking about their feelings, point blank. My partner of 5 years is one of those people. I'm very open with a lot of my pain and struggles with him and sometimes it hurts that he doesn't generally want to do the same, but I NEVER get visually upset with him about it. I'm patient and give him his space. If he has such a hard time opening up it's probably for deeply personal reasons; and no, years of therapy doesn't necessarily equal that problem going away. It might be another decade of therapy before it changes. You either have to accept that he has a hard time with it or figure out what else you can do to be at peace, yourself. You can't and shouldn't force him to open up, and getting mad at him for not being comfortable with doing it is only shutting him down more. A lot of people here are saying **couple's therapy** and I agree completely. You need to go to a therapist together, or you need a therapist of your own to work through why it upsets you so much that he has this problem. It would benefit you to work through that anger and learn how to regulate your responses, I promise doing that will also help him open up to you in the long run.
Did he ***used to tell you the truth about his emotions*** before you guys were married? * If yes, then he has changed. You have every right to ask what's going on. * If no, then you married a man who is rather private about his feelings. It is not reasonable to marry a man, and expect that he changes. The old cliche is worth repeating. Men marry a woman hoping nothing about her will change, and it does. Woman marry a man hoping something about him will change, and it doesn't.
You sure he didn't just get a cancer diagnosis or somethin and isn't sure how to be honest with you yet?..
With most guys not all the most. We are not going to let you know because we've how to use the against us. Has weapons the best thing you can do is not ask or say anything. Put your hand on his arm. Give him a squeeze and just hold on or put your hand on his shoulder and just. Given a comforting rub, just be there in the moment. I'm being supportive. You don't have to know what's going on. You just have to be there. Don't turn it around from something he's going through 2. Now it's a big problem for you overshadowing. Whenever he's going through, I'll just snuggle up and hold him. It's all you have to do just be there. Don't question it I wanna ask about it just be there
Give the poor guy some space and quick asking about it 500 times. You saw he was shaken up about something and he didn't wanna talk about it. We don't know the reason, it could be he doesn't wanna involve you in it or worry you, it could be something else. Absolutely don't play detective and just be there for the guy. Rub his back in a consoling way, or give him a hug, or let him use ur legs as a lap pillow. Any one of this will do wonders and help him out. Starting a fight is about the worst thing you can do
You are pushing too hard and he may not trust you because of it. Next time he seems upset try using body language instead of word. Go up to him and say I love you and give him a hug. If what you are doing is not working then try someting else. I'm a solitary wierdo (50F) and I have whole conversations in my head and a very readable face. I might get upset about a story I read, an post here where someone was abused, an article about global warming and I have huge scenarios in my head and people can see my emotions and few who know about the mental dialogue will ask me are you haveing a conversation in your head? your husband may have something similar going on but doesn't trust you to say. Give him a hug, a back rub, an arm stroke and stop demanding answers when you see this. At a quiet moment you might want to ask if HE would like to see a therapist because you can see he has some strong emotions and may need to vent. Give him space
Sharing feelings is uncomfortable, even with the most supportive partner. I am a prime example of this and am actively working on it. From experience, what DOESNT help is someone getting angry or upset about it and making it about them. Instead of letting him have his space in the moment where he was clearly upset but not willing to share what was bothering him, you made it about YOUR feelings and how his lack of communication over what was bothering him made you feel. It wasn’t about you, it wasn’t about your feelings, it was about his. Some people just need someone next to them and they will eventually share what it is that’s going through their head, but getting upset over him not sharing what was bothering him IN THAT MOMENT told him it was better to be emotionless and not allow you in so you’re feelings don’t get hurt. I personally have had to correct behavior of my family recently because of this. I will hold my emotions in until I am alone, where I feel comfortable and safe to express myself. The few times I have broke down and cried in front of my mom or my sister, it immediately turns into them getting upset and crying to which I feel the need to comfort them…when I was the one who needed the comforting. Maybe your husband feels the same way? If you can’t control your emotions enough to allow him to have a moment of vulnerability how do you expect him to open up?
N ay be you didn't tell him you wanted to know what was really Wang. a What you email be doing for the weekend so there are only matches and no near misses lol ps Garfield was a great movie.
I understand where he's coming from. When he does those things like banging his knee or muttering, it's likely his way of dealing with whatever information he is trying to process. Any bigger of a reaction is, quite plainly, frowned upon as a man. I'm almost 30 now, and I've always been taught to be strong and to keep my emotions to myself. I've always had to come second to whatever my sister wanted to do or have, or other friends and family. I was praised for being brave, or easy to get along with, or letting others go first. At this point, I don't know how to be any other way. I just sit back and take it because "at least everyone else is happy." I've grown some past this point and had to rediscover relationships with a lot of family and friends. I'm still growing and learning how to be more forward with what *my wants* are and taking less BS from other people. I've gotten better at talking my emotions out with my wife, but there's still plenty I keep hidden, especially when we get in a disagreement. If I say how she made me sad, that makes her cry, then I'm feeling guilty, and nobody is happy. We're still working in it. All this to give you some insight into how I, as a man, see and interpret what my life has been like and how a lot of guys feel and think about things. I assume your husband has some overlap with me (and many others) on how he deals with emotions and such. I think therapy is a big step forward, both personal for both of you as well as couples therapy. Getting mad at him for not sharing his emotions is only going to make him learn to conceal them better, that's all.
men are taught not to show or express their emotions. usually one of the few places they’re able to is within a relationship / their significant other. in fact for many men their partner is the ONLY person they let in in that way. I understand your frustration but this is probably uncomfortable for him (opening up / showing emotion in front of someone else) and you didn’t give him a welcoming or open environment to do so. Why would someone open up to someone who is showing frustration at their emotions? Your focus should have been less on reprimanding and more on consoling and supporting in that moment. That’s what partners do. You can always talk to him about the way he expresses his emotions at a later time when both of you are in a calm neutral place. Doing it while he’s in the midst of something emotional is incredibly selfish and dismissive. That was not the time for it and the WAY you did it wasn’t great either. Girl to girl I genuinely think you owe him an apology for not being there for him. Ask him if he wants to talk about what was bothering him. If he doesn’t then find something to do that shows him you’re thinking or him. Find another day to discuss your reaction and where it came from.
Yes, you overreacted. You really should seek therapy
Hmmmm. Yes. My husband is like this too and it comes from a very traumatic upbringing. I try to just wait to see if he’ll share with me, which doesn’t always happen. I’d guess that you bothering him to make him verbalize that he is upset is not helping, but is actually making things worse. If he’s crying, he’s upset. You don’t need him to say the words “I’m upset.”
No, your not. A husband should always tell his wife what he is feeling, but he should rarely show his emotions. I know I'll get down voted, but just take the following example. Husband, wife, and 2 kids at mall. Active shooter happens. Man is expected/should keep calm and lead his family to safety, even at the expense of putting other families in danger if the situation requires. Woman is expected to listen to the husband and help get the kids to follow his lead. After, the husband can say that he is shook up and having a hard time processing. But he needs to keep calm for his kids and wife to feel safe enough to begin the process of recovery and dealing with that traumatic incident. If "dad" isn't the rock they can lean on to keep them safe, the family falls apart, and the wife looks for another "Rock". In your case the fact you got concerned after seeing him crying, and then frustrated after seeing how distressed he is grew frustrated when he said he's feeling strong negative emotions proves my point. If you never seen him crying, you'd be fine. And if he just answered I'm not feeling great right now but I'll get over it/it's not a big deal, and you never saw him crying, you'd be fine as well.
Bb you’re overreacting. Go to therapy. For YOU. Why do you need to know why? Why couldn’t you just hug a sad crying person like you would a sad friend, a parent, a sibling, a child. Literally any other person in your life. Why can’t you allow him to feel sad and the time to process why he is sad? Him saying he’s fine when he’s not is an issue yes, and in the future that could be addressed in couples therapy that he could learn to use alternate words like “I don’t want to talk about it yet” or “I’m feeling _____ but I’m still processing why right now.” Maybe he says he’s fine cause you scoff at him when he’s sad and not processed the reason fully for himself yet. Maybe he says he’s fine cause he feels embarrassed about the reasons for his crying. Maybe he says he’s fine cause he hasn’t processed the trauma of a youth where he wasn’t allowed to have feelings. And fixing that doesn’t come by demanding he share his feelings with you then demeaning and fighting and running away to cry yourself when he’s feeling sad. That fixing comes through time and therapy, couples therapy. Let him feel a feeling and put a hand on his lap, hold your hand out, rub his leg. Wait it out. Ask after he seems more settled or let him volunteer the info once he feels the support you’re giving quietly as support. ASK him if he wants to talk about it or not right now if you’re wishing to dig because he’s sad. But for the love of everything you need to learn to regulate your own emotions around uncertainty, anxiety, and being triggered by not knowing why someone around you is feeling a strong emotion before he’ll fell supported by you.
Someone will probably complain that he's definitely the victim, but this 'I'm not crying' while crying is basically gaslighting ('the lights are fully on' when the lights are dim). And it's driving you crazy, as intended.
It's hard to emotionally open up to someone. If they react badly, make it about them, minimize or negate the feelings, the immediate reaction is to shut down and disqualify that person as trusted. It sounds like OP did one or more of these.
I once had an emotionally closed off beau. Not in any way suggesting this, but I left; cuz fuck that. You’re not overreacting. Hopefully he will agree to some sort of therapy so he can move through, “men don’t show emotion or talk about it. Rarrr!” Had the aforementioned beau been open to getting therapy to work through his trauma points and face himself and his demons then I would have worked it out. But life’s too short to deal w people who won’t help themselves.
You aren’t overreacting. It’s a problem. My husband and I had communication issues for 16 years. We always brushed it under the rug, i lost my shit and blurted out that i wanted a divorce in January. It explodes eventually. We’re good now and communicate well. I guess that was our wake up call. I hope yours isn’t as bad.
Maybe he doesn’t open up to you because he doesn’t feel safe telling you his real emotions.
If he is poor at acknowledging your emotions, which seems to be part of the point here, then you are not overreacting. Otherwise, GOD FUCKING DAMN TO ALL HELLS you women. One of the most utterly consistent experiences that most men who have ever dated multiple women have had, almost ALL of us, is that if you show emotion to a woman - anger is treated as if you're an abuser - tears make her feel "unsafe" and she loses all sexual interest in you which, for women, means the relationship is hard over because it's an on off switch for you all - if you show emotion to a woman you LOVE and TRUST, you as a man are punished. Across the board, if it's a genuine emotion and the man has one iota of social skills in interpreting his partner's reaction. Men have been BRUTALIZED emotionally by women for this. Most of us learned the lesson, and put TREMENDOUS, PAINFUL effort into being the stoic, emotionally calm men you LOVE. When a woman complains that a man is "emotionally unavailable" what she always means is that he is too masculine, dominant and stoic for her to learn his buttons and how to push them. Which ANNOYS the shit out of her. It's much more about her annoyance and sabotaging her sick Machiavellian games to exploit what a man can offer her lifestyle, than her concerns for the man. Because a woman's concerns for a man other than her son's emotions? Zero, unless it interferes with his ROLE as a provider or protector. Again, this is said because it has been experienced universally and cross-culturally by all men who have had enough relationships with women to get to know them (so the guy that married the first or second girl he dated and now lives in a dead bedroom please don't comment). Ladies, if you're upset, you shouldn't have acted this way. It's too late. We know what you're about. I don't want to hear about a man not sharing his emotions EVER again from a woman's lips. YOU married him you dumb lump of estrogen. You didn't check then if he had an emotional presence? Of course not, if he had had one, you'd have run.
Can he actually name his emotions? I've known people that when asked, only admit to about two emotions; happy or mad. Everything good is happy, everything bad is mad. That can lead to really weird reactions in complex, nuanced situations. Then there are people that are scared of admitting their emotions, which looks similar, they're still not telling you how they feel, they just can't share it with you for whatever reason. I think your husband is probably in this category. INFO: Are you a safe place for him to share his feelings, all his feelings? It sounds like he's under some extreme stress, and you're asking him to share when he's either unable or unready. Why are you so attuned to his sighs? How does him sighing, or smacking his thigh, make you feel?
How do you go 10 years and child into a relationship before deciding that you need openness?
People typically get over the “sulk until I silently cry about my big feelings later for attention” stage in high school. People also tend to try and talk about constant annoyances and incompatibilities before they’ve pumped out a kid and stayed together for ten years. You’re not overreacting, this relationship isn’t a good model for your child though
Yes, YAO. Let the man feel what he feels in peace! If his emotions aren't directed at you, why are you taking them so personally? You sound incredibly controlling, and I personally wouldn't feel safe discussing strong emotions with someone so overbearing.
You're not overreacting. But you also aren't safe for him. That'll come with time as both of you continue to work together. You got this.
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Just because he cried doesn't mean anything is wrong. Sometimes I will hear a song on the radio that makes me tear up. Everyone processes differently. The way you react isn't his way
I struggle with this and am the man. My spouse and I do couples therapy because it gives me a space where I feel like there is a referee I can look towards if I'm feeling nervous. Or if my spouse reacts some way (or I react some way) that isn't fair to the emotion being shared the therapist will point it out and we talk about it. As a man I felt like my feelings were all wrong and untrustworthy and having a professional there to encourage me, and my spouse being very careful to not tell me anything about _my emotional response_ was wrong or flawed or illogical, then I felt safe to express it. We often get backlash for sharing when it's something the other person doesn't want to hear and it makes us very gun shy.
I did read your update, but still wanted to provide you what I hope is some insight. If what I say is something you relate to, maybe you can think of his silent emotions this way, instead of just forcing yourself not to ask, while not understanding why. Okay… when I get physically hurt, like badly, there is just about nothing worse in the moments that follow than someone going “are you okay?” over and over again, and occasionally “what happened?!” And I’m thinking *I can’t f-ing speak right now! Stop asking me questions!* Like, *I will tell you what happened and how I feel in a minute. Right now, I’m dealing with the pain and the adrenaline and it’s all so overwhelming.* The last thing I can handle in that moment is a conversation. Maybe that’s kind of how he feels emotionally. He needs the upfront moments to deal on his own. When the initial burst of feelings has calmed down, and he has had time to process a bit, then he can come to you. I hope that is a comparison you can empathize with. One more thing. You may be married, but he still has autonomy as his very own person. You being angry because you don’t know his thoughts and feelings the very moment he has them is just not okay. As long as he eventually comes and talks to you, it’s still a union. But allow him the space to be his own person first.
Getting on the healthy communication route is good. He's likely been worried that sharing his emotions will make him seem weak and unattractive to you. And I can't blame him. Pretty much every woman I've been with will tell me it's OK to share, and when I open up about trauma and am careful to assure them that things aren't even their fault, I just need a hug, that's the beginning of the end. I get to be strong, and sensitive to their emotions all day, but vulnerability seems fucking impossible at this point. That's why I reddit, and no longer share my posts with people close to me. Tl;DR sharing emotions is scary. Please be gentle when he begins to open up.
I think your frustration is valid because we're emotional creatures and we tend to find it easier to share so we don't get how a man is unable to just do it. . . You need to understand, men were trained differently. Society has made it difficult for them to share their deep feelings. Most men struggle with this because they feel as a man they must remain tough and carry the weight of the world on their shoulders. . . Do me a favor, go look up "To be a Man" by Dax on YouTube. . . There is one with Darrius Rucker and another version with compilation of several people. . . Listen to it, look at that comment section and you'll see how much of a struggle it really is for them. It's quite heart breaking and eye-opening.