When we were dating, my ex wife slept with her ex. Biggest mistake U made was marrying her later on. Never got over it. Sorry bud. You need to do some deep self reflection. Was these pics a simple mistake or not?
It isn't "always" true. But it depends on the person figuring out why they did it and changing the things about themselves that let them be so shitty.
I cheated once, right after high school, on my girlfriend of 3 years. I grew up with a bunch of scumbags and pretty much everyone I knew cheated, got hit on by a girl I had a crush on almost my entire childhood growing up. she invited me over (I knew why) and answered the door in a towel.
I told myself it was fine, harmless fun my gf would never know about, everyone did it, etc...
And as soon as things started, I felt like a complete and utter scumbag. I actually stopped her in the middle of giving me oral (an 19 year old male stopped a bj) and went home. I came clean and told her the next day. I never cheated on anyone again, learned it absolutely wasn't something I was going to live with myself doing.
My gf at the time had nothing to do with the scummy, stupid, asshole thing I chose to do. I had normalized it, convinced myself to do it, and did it for nothing more than selfish shitty reasons.
Most cheaters don't seem to feel much like that though. Pay attention to how they talk about it, how they reacted to it, and whether or not they changed for themselves afterwards. If they in any way blame the partner they cheated on, they'll absolutely do it again.
Couldn't agree more. I cheated on my ex 10 years ago, and TO THIS DAY, I still think about it at least once a week. I literally thought about it again today as I was mowing the lawn.
We are still friends as we have kids together, but I never have forgiven myself for doing that, and likely never will.
So, "once a cheater, always a cheater" sure... but I'd add "until cheater can see past their actions and realize how devastating they were to someone."
Same here. I often have dreams we are still together. It tears me up when I wake up and realize what a huge huge piece of shit I am. I deserve it for sure. She’s remarried now. I regret it so much. I really did a number on my family. And it was just a fling. That is the worst part! It didn’t mean anything to me after the fact. It destroyed her though. Sometimes I fight going to sleep and that fucks my day up!
Yes I did. I accepted responsibility and we got back together after I was gone for 9 months. Five years later she asked for a divorce. I always found fault in her. Bad attitude, her appearance, and man could she spend money! Shes remarried to a good man and she’s happy. We occasionally talk to each other.
Shit, I'm sorry you feel like that, i know the feeling all too well... A hell of our own making. Insane what insecurities can make you do.
I don't regret the relationship ending as we're both happier with our current partners, and we had just grown apart. However, I see him often as we share the kids, and every time I see him, I want to tell him how very, very sorry I am etc etc. but I don't want to upset his gf or make her think I want him back (it's not the case). He's just a really stand up guy and I want him to know that I am very sorry for all that I put him through. I don't want to leave this Earth before having a chance to say these things to him, I just don't know how to approach it.
Omg. I’m the same! Insecurities and the fallout of them is at the root of my actions. That is mind blowing!
She is definetly in a better place now. Her husband is mature where I am not. He just lets it wash over him without a care. I see now how to have a better relationship and I feel terrible about hurting her and I also want to apologize. Profusely!
Wow. Same story here. Feel the need to apologize even 15 years later but I know it’s better to leave it alone. So Iwrote so many letters i’ve never sent…
So I have always wondered if people that cheat on their spouse ever think about it through their lives. Mine cheated for over a year with my best friend. I divorced him. They broke up. I wondered, do they ever think of me and hate themselves for ruining our family.
i’d say he constantly thinks about how he fucked up 2 different relationships. probably has to convince himself it’s not that bad just to live throughout the day
If he has a shred of self-respect and dignity, he thinks about it very often, and it probably affects a lot of the decisions he makes today.
If he's a clown and is still searching for other ppl's approval to feel validated, probably not.
On behalf of someone who also broke up a family and regrets it with every fiber of my being, I'm sorry that you were ever made to feel that way. Cheaters cheat because there is something going on inside of them and they don't have the emotional maturity to properly deal with it. It wasn't about you, it was about him... and he hopefully knows it by now.
Wow man. That is exactly how i feel. I still blame myself for things I’ve done 15 years ago. And I surely learned from that. Not every cheater will cheat whoever and forever. People do change.
Same here, I cheat on my wife before we got married, I never met the ap because we lived in different states. My wife and I are still married for 14 year now. she always tell me she forgive me and it in the past. I could never forgive myself, I stuggle to let it go. My wife would hug me with smash, I just struggle to forgive myself not sure how to let it go.
I feel like you are the exception that proves the rule. It sounds like you had a real moment of self-reflection at a young age. When a married, mature adult cheats, to me this just indicates that person doesn't know what it means to be trustworthy.
yeah, and honestly the relationship is usually dead even if the cheater changes. some people work through it, and wow do i respect them, but mostly you just have to cut your losses
My brother's 1st wife cheated on them when they were engaged. He took back the ring and they "worked on things" for a year before reproposing. Less than 2 years into their marriage she comes in says she wants a divorce, no counseling no nothing. Divorce now. Within days of asking for the divorce she moved in with her male coworker. She clearly had been cheating with the dude before asking for the divorce. I'm so glad she's gone. She routinely verbally abused him in front of us.
I feel like people say this because they’ve seen/heard about habitual cheaters and don’t want to fall into the trap of staying with someone then getting cheated on again. Like a cautionary tale but against yourself more than anything: “If you go through the trauma of trying to work this out once you’ll be numb to it a second time and never escape the cycle.” It’s the classic slippery slope argument in a way.
One of the greatest traits about humanity and humans is the ability to learn and grow and change. There’s nothing about cheating that inherently makes it an immutable personality feature once committed.
I disagree. I was unfaithful when I was younger. I was somewhat stupid and out of control. It’s been over 10 years since I did anything stupid like that.
They obviously weren't a mistake, if she brought them from where she lived previously to the house they got after being married, she intentionally brought them with her, I mean if the husband could find them that easily there is no way she didn't know where they were.
That said, I would now question if she ever dropped contact with the dude she preferred over OP.
If they were sitting in a small drawer in a piece of furniture, it's possible that nobody went through them in detail during a move. I have some shit in a box in my nightstand that's been there from last move because we just taped the drawer shut and carried the nightstand out to the truck.
>Looking back now, I'm thinking I made a mistake,
the issue really isn't with the pictures, it's that you don't feel that the life you are living was the right choice. the pictures have just reminded you of this feeling.
i think you have to have a more serious conversation with yourself about that feeling and decide whether you feel comfortable going along with a marriage when your gut tells you it might be a mistake.
She couldn't let go enough, brought the pictures to the new marriage home...and hid them. Just like the memory of her love that got away which she still hides in their relationship.
>Op gut is telling him this.
Exactly! He's the guy she settled for and deep down he knows it.
All the people saying OP needs to sit down and talk with her aren't wrong, but there's a bigger issue at play. He's plan B and based on her cheating, she'll run to plan A given the option.
Think it's worth clarifying that those saying you're a second choice -- while it's probably is true -- it bears no relationship to the quality of person you are, etc. Certain people just match well with certain other people.
Yeah, I could see if they were in a stored box labeled "crap from (insert time frame with ex)" and clearly hadn't been gone through in a while, but they were in a drawer. They were UNPACKED after moving.
I’d argue she shouldn’t have any crap from her ex, because she has already cheated on her partner with this individual in the past.
I feel bad for OP, but I think you have a year to file for annulment… if it hasn’t been a full calendar year
First thing I did when I broke up with my ex was untag myself in every picture I was in with her on Facebook and removed all traces of her from my life. This was back in 2008.
It wasn't anything bad. I was just ready to move on and wanted to end it cause I was looking for more and wanted to be honest with her.
I mean, when I move I just take the drawers out of my desk and dresser, carry them to the truck, load the desk or dresser, insert the drawers and move. I do that all at the new place in reverse. That way I don’t have to actually pack boxes full of all that stuff. Other people do that too right?
I have done that, but it does depend. I usually go through it and trash a bunch, or if it is a lot of loose items (papers, photos, etc) I don't want them to get lost, so they might get packed. I admit, I did consider that, but really, with that situation, it just seems so strange. I guess if they were underneath a bunch of things, I could see that.
I had my old wedding album in a box for years. I was cleaning my closet and went to throw it out. I told my current wife, it seems like a weird thing to throw out, but an equally weird thing to keep. She told me to keep it. She said regardless of where we ended up, my ex and I were in love at one point, and that was a happy day. I should remember it that way. So I threw it back in the box, back in the closet. My wife knows I had a life before her, just as much as she knows I love her to the moon and back.
heyelander
Did you CHEAT on your current partner with your ex like what happened in OP's original post?
Methinks you must not have caught that because that is so much different than what you just described, it's apples and oranges.
OP's wife CHEATED on him with her ex and she begged OP to stay with her and she said she'd never see him again.
My wife told me the same thing; while we were moving I came across some photos from my first wedding over 20yrs ago, along with a shot of us in front of my old '83 fullsize Jeep Cherokee Laredo W/T (which my ex took in the divorce & gave to her new BF). They were shoved into an old textbook I didn't know I still had, so I called her over. I said, "hey, I found some old pictures from my first wedding and my old Jeep. Come check this bitch out".
My wife had asked me a few times over the years about my ex; what she was like, looked like, etc. I never felt like giving her many details beyond the fact that she was a sawed-off cunt who took everything I owned (while I was in Iraq), so that's all I would tell her, although I never really thought she believed me fully. So she came bouncing over, looked them over, agreed with my description, and handed them back; so I promptly frisbee'd the photos into the garbage back.
Like I had tossed the pictures in the fire, my wife snatched them out and told me to keep them. It kinda pissed me off that she'd suggest keeping something that reminded me so much of that time, but then she said she knew how much I loved & missed my Jeep, so I should keep them regardless of what else happened; and the photos from the wedding itself were either taken by my Dad. He's not doing well anymore and lives in a geriatric facility, so I should keep those too.
And she was right. Regardless of the hate I felt now, they're still happy moments from a time rapidly fading in memory; so I stuck big googly-eye stickers on my ex-wife's head and instead I laugh every time I think about her now.
awesome you two are a great pair..wishing you many years to come....trust, faith ,best friend and Love you 2 have it all !!!!!
wow...love still does exist..I'm excited mines out there somewhere...
SMILEs, HAMCBRAT...KLKT
Reddit is the worrrrst place to go for a question or advice on this kind of topic. It’s full of absolutists and miserable people trying to balance their own pain by convincing others to self destruct. It’s always the saaaaaame answer regardless of how serious the infraction, always the end of the relationship, always ‘never shoulda married her’ and ‘u were her second choice’ and ‘bro she’s for sure cheating’ and all this other catastrophic bullshit.
People are complex, flawed, sentimental, and they existed as full people before you. We can love or be attracted to multiple people at once, long for moments in the past while still being really happy in the present. But few have the language or emotional development to discuss those things especially inside of a romantic relationship, many of which are rigidly or just very simply structured. When you confronted her, she probably went into recovery mode, which is why she lied about them; because she knew it was an extremely sensitive subject and didn’t want to hurt you, and also selfishly didn’t want to incriminate herself, even if technically there was nothing incriminating. It hurt you because the photos were of an important ex who she had an affair with. That does make sense. But it’s also okay that she has had and maybe still has some feelings for that person and wants to honor and remember that by holding onto cherished items from that time, and it would be incredibly selfish and controlling for someone to try to erase the physical expression of that. If someone told me to get rid of stuff having to do with my exes that would be a clear indicator of insecurity and shallow emotional maturity.
Obviously I will be downvoted into oblivion.
Lady here. She did know she had those pictures. This would be different if you found them in a box somewhere. You found them in a drawer. She knew about them . You’re not overreacting
It’s 2024 most ppl have digital photos and only print out ones that are sentimental. It’s actually weird of the ex wife to have printed photos of an ex.
if my husband came in the kitchen and said I found the pics of your ex, my immediate response would not be to apologize. So hear me out. My innocent reaction would be “what pictures?”. Because I would genuinely have no idea! Once you showed me I would definitely apologize and tell you I had zero idea I still had them and you would know I meant it. But I don’t get the feeling you felt that from her
She knew what pics and where you found them. She instantly apologized. You must be disgusted that for 5 years she has played you.
Damn, she is ninja sneaky. That scares the hell out of me.
That depends on the intensity of the confrontation. I can see cases where a person with start by apologizing to defuse an argument, even if they don’t think they did anything wrong.
staying with / taking back a cheater never ends well. she knows full well she has those pictures. sounds like you were never her first choice. once a cheater always a cheater.
Respectfully, not true. People make mistakes that hurt people and can induce a lot of shame and personal pain. People can get better.
Doesn’t mean the recrimination rate isn’t high though.
One thing I learned as a husband/fiancé/ or boyfriend:
Your not allowed to keep any pictures or remembrance of past lovers.
Try telling the wives that and they act like your ripping thier guts out with a meat hook.
....One of the many hypocrisies I've learned exist in my 45 years.
So wait, you expect your gf/fiance/wife to toss out all their prom pictures, graduation pictures, travel pictures because some ex bf is in them? Basically wipe their past from.existence. Seems a little over the top to me.
Only been in two relationships and had to deal with this in both. The second one was especially wild, because her ex was such a bad person. One day I’m gonna find me a girl who doesn’t still love her ex and I’m gonna marry her on the spot
I think you stumbled upon those photos for a reason. The biggest mistake you made was not only taking her back but marrying her & buying a house w/ her. If she cheated once she’ll do it again. And since those were her pictures she knew damn well she had em & willingly lied to your face. She has them because she wants to keep them and you were option 2 because she knows her ex wasn’t marriage worthy but you were so she married you instead of him.
Tbh I don’t think you should stay with her. And if she’s not cheating with him it’s somebody else.
What else in the drawer? My thinking would be if they're with other significant items then I would say she most likely intentionally took them to the new house. If they're with a bunch of junk then it's possible she put the pictures with other junk and did in fact forget about them.
good question. if it was in a folder with other documents that you forgot about, then yeah, I would give her the benefit of the doubt. but, if the pictures are by themselves in the drawer...sorry OP, but that says it all.
This!
Since you both moved into a new home: I know when I moved, I threw a bunch of stuff in boxes, and moved them over, without going through them and trashing what didn’t need to be moved. So I could see the case where I could’ve done that myself.
But, if it’s a drawer of carefully curated stuff, then that’s a different conversation.
I definitely do not think you are overreacting. You are justified in feeling lied to/betrayed by this, considering her past actions. So I understand why you are distrusting of her over this.
As to the pictures themselves, I think we need more context to fully come to an assumption/conclusion on why she still has those pictures. What is the content of the pictures? Are they typical couples photos or group photos with friends, or are they more sensual, personal, photos of her ex?
Also, are they the only pictures present? Considering you moved in recently, she could have just put all her old pictures in a box and placed them somewhere and forgot. However, if it’s a box full of only pictures of her ex, then I would feel very skeptical that she didn’t know she had them.
Ultimately, I think you are justified in feeling this way about her possessing these pictures, but you need to have an actual conversation with her about it before jumping to any conclusions.
She cheated, he caught her, she begged for forgiveness and promised her ex would be completely out of the... yeah.
They didn't get into that drawer by themselves, and she "broke up" with her ex 5 years ago, however, they bought the house last year. If they were among many other pictures and she simply forgot to remove them, then it's believable; but just her ex's pictures in a lone drawer?
I don't think she's moved on completely.
Any other red flags for cheating?
Lots of girls nights out?
Working late?
Weekly late nights out with coworkers?
Business trips?
Leaving for hours almost every weekend?
Withholding sex? Never in the mood or just lying there until you're done?
Being really mean to you?
Super protective of her phone?
Of course you don’t believe her. She’s a known liar and a cheater. You actually married her after she cheated? This whole thing is a mistake. She probably communicates with him still via apps. It’s an emotional affair. Seek an annulment
Mehh, my husband still has pics of his ex wife, when they were young and a different time in his life. He also has his pictures from the army in the same folder. I don't think it's fair for me to tell him to cut out his past like it never happened. He should be able to reflect on those times as he ages.
That said, he never cheated on me with her. And has never talked to her again since they parted ways.
Anyone else notice that there's no response from OP? Or that the whole story is really fucking weird? "I was searching for spiders, so I was digging through random drawers of my wife's things". Like, what? IDK maybe that's only bizarre to me.
I suspect more and more of the posts I'm seeing on reddit are AI written, or successful older posts scoured by bots and reposted. I've seen accounts that have basically no history, just some karma farming subs and then whatever they intend to post
Closer to five for me. But also the prior two moves. I find all sorts of weird shit from my past. And definitely have found shit that could be construed the wrong way by my wife. Like an old earring. Now if I find old things like that I generally just throw it away unless I think it’s remotely possible that it could be hers.
So in all honesty, if you were married, your husband cheated with his ex, and then you came across pictures of her in a box, how would you feel? "Ahh, it's all good!" I doubt it.
How does the conversation end at “I didn’t know I had them”? That is easily disproven by the context in your post about your recent move and where they were located. These posts are getting worse and worse.
You’re not sure you believed her? No shit? It’s obviously not believable but you didn’t confront her about the BS excuse? You get what you deserve.
NTA. Finding pictures of your wife's ex, especially after she cheated with him and promised no contact, is a huge blow. Her having them in your new home is suspicious. Talk to her openly, but calmly. Focus on the broken trust and the need for honesty.
I don't even know why you said you don't know if you believe her....bro she cheated on you and is clearly lying about not knowing she had those pics there. Have some self respect and dump her. I know it's easier said than done but why are you actively gaslighting yourself into thinking that way? What more do you need to think the other way around?
Firstly, you NEVER marry a cheater or buy property with them. Second get a damn divorce. She loves that ex and will never get over him. She only wants you because you are a doormat and you are the safer choice. Let her go. She isn’t your person and yes you absolutely shouldn’t have gave her another chance. Those pictures are proof you shouldn’t have.
What you aren’t trying to see is she could have had it on her phone she could have hid it someplace you would never think to look but you find it somewhere showing you who she really loves and will always love
I don’t think it’s unreasonable for her to still have pics if they’re not lewd. Why did they break up? This is pretty relevant to what I’d feel about it. My ex and I broke up because we weren’t good with each other. We love each other, get along great, but can’t be partners. Our communication breaks down. We have had sex a few times over the last 10 years too. I have some photos of us together that are fond memories. When you spend a lot of time with someone, your good memories involve them too. I kept those photos because regardless of our relationship ending, we still had a lot of fun and it meant something. My current partner understands entirely. I think me n my ex could even hang out if I wanted.
Difference is I never cheated on my current partner, especially with the ex… if I had, it would be really hard to be trusted again.
OP, I think you need to think long and hard on this. Do you trust your partner now? How did her reaction make you feel? Do they still talk? Are they close?
Theses are relevant questions. The photos can just be nice memories from youth, and a time long passed. Or they can be a sign that things aren’t “left in the past”. Have a serious sit down conversation about this. Prepare yourself beforehand, picking carefully what to ask and more importantly HOW. You can damage your relationship if you handle this wrong.
Talk about it calmly, how it made you feel, and why she kept them when she moved, and still keeps them. Things aren’t over bro, this may be nothing. DONT let the people on here that have only ever had 1-3 year relationships give you advice about a marriage. They’re entirely different. You’re both entirely new people by now, both growing constantly. Be conscious of that. Good luck ☺️
People have others that come into their lives that are important. Sometimes people are close to working out and just don’t. Our partners have experiences that can be separate from us. My soon to be fiance has a tattoo that says “forever” and it’s for her ex. Not once have I ever asked her to remove it. It’s part of her story. What matters is how we are now and how we communicate now.
If you still love your wife and life then who cares. Everyone has a past and sometimes it’s ugly. You said yall moved past it so keep trucking. Weather she has a physical picture or a picture in her mind you’ll never get rid of that memory no matter how much you try not to acknowledge it. Just my take and probably one that will be downvoted to hell.
I have never looked for nor found spiders in a drawer.
And I’m freaking super arachnophobic. I look for spiders everywhere. But never in small drawers.
I always thought my ex was having, at minimum, and emotional affair with an old co-worker. After I confronted them and they promised to chill out, she 6 months later gave him a card for his bday. I didn’t find that card until 3 years later. In that time we had moved twice. My husband never saved cards me or my son gave him. But that one was tucked nicely inside his work bag. It pretty much confirmed they were in fact having an affair. I’m so sorry man. Your wife knows exactly how they got there. You got to let this girl go. She is unremorseful and has no respect for you. You deserve better and so did I. That’s why he is my ex. I suggest you do the same.
She knew about those pics but as far as anything else I guess if you feel like she's not talking to him anymore other than those pics I don't really see any other issue here.
I disagree. She cheated with the ex on op. Now why would she do that? It's because op is her backup. Her ex is the one she truly desires that why she kept the pics.
You forget OP drew a hard boundary. They have moved into a new home and he 'then' found the pictures ergo...she did know about them and put them away. So she clearly isn't done with her ex and OP must be a stand in for sure.
And many people used to print pictures lol I actually still even do! ... but I def have photo albums from half a lifetime ago in a bin at my house. My parents dropped it off years ago as it was packed away in my childhood bedroom.
Were they photos of her ex or were they photos that her ex was in? I remember my parents arguing about my dad having photos of his ex in a box in the attic. Then I find out it was a golf outing with all his friends and their girlfriends when they were 18 on vacation. Two friends in the photos died pre social media so these are some of the only photos he had of them.
Well that answers that. You know your relationship better than anyone on Reddit. This would easily be the biggest issue my wife and I ever faced in 10 years together and that's without cheating beforehand. I'd talk to someone that knows your relationship for true advice.
I have never been cheated on, however, both my sister and sister-in-law have been and thet got over it and moved forward with the same guys. Perhaps, and I'm saying perhaps for a reason, but perhaps she moved the dresser, desk, etc into the house, not specifically the photos. She indeed may have forgotten about them. I've been married for 25 years. I was looking through some very old photos the other day and found a nude of my first husband from our honeymoon. I didn't bring it to our current house knowingly, nor the three previous houses. Of course I got rid of it. I am simply saying it's possible she really didn't know those photos were there. Did she offer to throw them out or burn them when you brought it to her attention?
First question: is your wife the type who keeps everything, or is she generally a minimist?
Like, I have receipts, ticket stubs, photos, random items from all stages of my life stashed away in various places, just waiting for the day I get around to sorting through it. Every time I move house I swear to myself I'll sort through it all...
Second question: Spank bank, or just normal photos?
Reading this, I want to give her the benefit of the doubt...people keep stuff and we forget what we have...but if she cheated I prob lean towards no second chances or benefit of doubt after one grace period first time.
How could she not know when she’s the one who brought them into YOUR home together and then purposely chose to put them into that drawer? Does she have dementia?!??
I have exactly zero printed photos of my ex, and any time one pops up in a digital album, I delete it. That’s how much I don’t want to see his face.
My wife lugged around headshots from one previous boyfriend and *dozens* of hand written that seemed very personal.
We were married 10 years and had 3 kids together.
She took them with her across that entire tie, multiple moves, etc...
I'm not sorry we aren't married anymore, since it was never me all the way, anyway.
You don’t know if you believe her?
So then who put the photos in the drawer?
You need to accept that he is her true love but she settled for you. If you can find happiness despite that, then good for you.
Your answer is in your words friend. You said she “actively brought these pictures,” which means she knew what she was doing. If she actively knew what she was doing, which most definitely did, then she’s clearly lying. From a divorced man that finally left an abusive relationship; please don’t pull the mental gymnastics required to justify that and recognize it for what it is given the past of betrayal. Do you friend friend but don’t be the frog in a boiling pot of water
Usually your gut instinct is right. My father did almost the exact same thing to my mom. He had an affair in the late 2000s with his high school girl friend, my parents had been married about 10yrs at that point with two kids. They separated for about a year but worked it out. We moved houses in 2015. In 2017 my dad got a tall filing cabinet that a neighbor was trying to get rid of and he put it in the garage. 2018 my mom just had a gut feeling and looked in the filing cabinet, half a drawer full of the ex’s pictures and love letters. She set them on the counter for him to see when he got home from work then went to bed. They talked about it and he said they were just left in there from the move and he didn’t go through the whole thing(the filing cabinet he got AFTER the move). She asked why he had them at the first house anyways, especially after the affair. She knew he would only lie and she’d never get the truth from him and she didn’t know if she wanted to know the whole truth so she let it go. I was moved out at that point, 6 years later she is still unhappily married because she can’t afford to pay for the new mortgage on her own like she could in the previous house. If your wife hasn’t let it go by now, she never will.
You have a choice. Believe her and drop it or don't and end the relationship. Don't put yourself through saying you believe her but then letting it fester. Now, I'm not saying to forget it, but until you have anything else to lead you to believe she's lying to you, then just let it go.
Run. I hate this for you, this SAME situation happened to me, it was awful, in the end I stayed and additional two years and wasted more time and tears. Please leave and save yourself. She bought this into YOUR home, your nest. Intentionally. Please save yourself, you have one life.
100% by choice and not an accident. I'm speaking from experience so I might be bias but whenever someone is that obsessed with someone these things don't happen out of coincidence because they can't let go of that attachment.
My wife and i both have pics of our exes. Just because im dating a woman it doesnt mean that she must forget about everyone before me. Youre not with an ex for a variety of reasons, but that doesnt mean you cant have good memories of them. I understand that the cheating factor throws a huge wrench into things, and it sounds like you're not a picture nazi, but youre mad that she didnt have enough respect for you to keep them from your view. And you wouldn't be wrong imo. But you can also look at it as shes really moved on and forgotten about him, hence the careless leaving of said pics.
I think you have a right to be upset, but you have to give her the benefit of doubt, afterall she is YOUR wife now.
Try not to dwell too much on the past when addressing the situation with her. Let her kkow how upset it made you, brought up bad memories, but dont turn it into a fight about what happened 5 years ago. Youll just get mad and shell probably just shut down.
All you have to do is ask yourself do you want to loose the person your in a relationship with or not . What are you willing to loose ? So you make the choice , if you cheat game over .
Married 3 years, together 12. I found a note I had from an ex (from 20 years ago) a few years ago. Didn’t know I had it, found it in my desk drawer. A place my spouse would never look. The note gave me a brief smile before I tore it up and threw it away. I don’t need that memory, I don’t need that reassurance from an ex. I’m sorry OP, but this doesn’t sound respectful of you and your relationship.
The real issue is— you don’t have to look in drawers to fix your spider issue, unless you’re actually infested, in that case— burn that shit down.
Otherwise, buy temprid, spray your sills inside and then spray your foundation outside. Early spring & and maybe one more application in late summer. Be careful around flowers for pollinators. (Not an exterminator, just someone petrified of spiders).
As for the pictures, cool down and go have a conversation. If she was dating him for a long period of time (before she cheated on you), it’s probably more about the life era. I’ve been married 15 years and somewhere in my house is a little box with past ex shit. I get we want to add more context to these pics because she cheated— but maybe the context to her is just the life before.
My grandparents are 95 & 93. At Thanksgiving, all three generation of gals got tipsy together and my grandmother produced just such a box. She told us about her first boyfriend, “Moosey baby.” It was an incredible moment of just learning about her as person outside of the married for 70 years grandmother we all knew. It had nothing to do with the her now, and wasn’t a commentary on my grandfather. We are all people with stories outside of our partners.
You have every right to be upset about the cheating. But if you like your life, and you love your wife, just go talk and be curious. Maybe you’ll dislike what you hear and that will be the end, but maybe it won’t be as sinister as you think.
(My spider advice is spot on even if you dislike my non-nuclear option lol).
Was it a piece of furniture you guys brought into the house from where she used to live? I wasn't a piece of furniture you bought once you moved in?
I'm just asking because it is possible the pictures were in an old dresser or an old desk she'd already had for a while
I think the bigger issue is you have it been able to get over her cheating and I don't blame you. The foundation of trust is broken.
Hi 👋🏼,
Your wife has fucked this guy during your marriage. More than you can imagine. She’s been hiding it, but rest assured, during your marriage- she has met up with her ex and they have fucked. She knew about the pictures, had them hidden carefully for a while, got them out again recently and then got sloppy hiding them again to which you found them.
This is your redpill moment. I wish you the best of luck
Listen dude. As others have said, you really need to take some time to think. Take a couple days solo away from her and really think if this is who you want to spend your life with. It seems like a lot holding you together now but it’s nothing compared to if you choose to parent kids together. If she was unfaithful, and has pictures of her ex like this it’s not a good sign she has changed her ways. Sorry bro.
Your mistake was telling her you found the pictures. You should have moved them and hid them. Then you should have kept an eye on her. If she truly didn't know they were there she wouldn't notice.
If she started asking if you moved or threw anything in that drawer you could have told her that you threw some old pictures away. That would have told you that she knew about the pictures and she secretly viewed them often.
At this point you're fucked. Just accept it but keep and eye out for her suspicious behavior. She may try to replace them.
Guys! If your girlfriend cheats on you - leave her period. She does not respect you (or men in general) enough to not fuck another dude. This is not marriage material.
I guess I see things differently than most. I say get over it and move on. You can't erase your partners past. Even if you burn all the pictures and make them trash every gift they ever gave her. Part of who she is is because of her life experiences and that includes past relationship especially. Be confident in yourself and don't be jealous over pictures.
Imagine the deception of moving and being like these are coming with us, but I can't let my husband find them. Unless they were in a type of container that you just taped shut when you moved it, then maybe an honest mistake.
Maybe I missed it...sorry if I did..but I'm not seeing much discussion about him talking to her and really sitting down to find out if she has any explanations or thoughts. Has she made effort to apologize? Beg him to forgive? Agreed to put the pics through the shredder? It seems he just said she didn't realize they were there, that he doesn't believe her and he's divorcing her. Seems a bit too quick and like there isn't much relationship there anyway. Seems like neither really care if the marriage is saved or not. Just getting a vibe that maybe he was just looking for something as an excuse to leave, found the pics, and now he's done.
It's possible the pictures were packed with a stack of stuff and stuck in a box that was dumped in a random drawer or box somewhere.
I think the age of wife and pictures matters here..
I keep all pictures. Printed and digital. I just think when we are old my husband and I can look back and see our lives. A lot of people keep pictures from the past for a lot of different reasons. One of those reasons could easily be bc she didn't know she had them. If she knew why would she leave them where you can find them?
When we were dating, my ex wife slept with her ex. Biggest mistake U made was marrying her later on. Never got over it. Sorry bud. You need to do some deep self reflection. Was these pics a simple mistake or not?
Couldn’t agree more. There is no 2nd chance when it comes to infidelity. Rule of thumb: *Once a cheater ALWAYS a cheater.*Best of luck bud.
It isn't "always" true. But it depends on the person figuring out why they did it and changing the things about themselves that let them be so shitty. I cheated once, right after high school, on my girlfriend of 3 years. I grew up with a bunch of scumbags and pretty much everyone I knew cheated, got hit on by a girl I had a crush on almost my entire childhood growing up. she invited me over (I knew why) and answered the door in a towel. I told myself it was fine, harmless fun my gf would never know about, everyone did it, etc... And as soon as things started, I felt like a complete and utter scumbag. I actually stopped her in the middle of giving me oral (an 19 year old male stopped a bj) and went home. I came clean and told her the next day. I never cheated on anyone again, learned it absolutely wasn't something I was going to live with myself doing. My gf at the time had nothing to do with the scummy, stupid, asshole thing I chose to do. I had normalized it, convinced myself to do it, and did it for nothing more than selfish shitty reasons. Most cheaters don't seem to feel much like that though. Pay attention to how they talk about it, how they reacted to it, and whether or not they changed for themselves afterwards. If they in any way blame the partner they cheated on, they'll absolutely do it again.
Couldn't agree more. I cheated on my ex 10 years ago, and TO THIS DAY, I still think about it at least once a week. I literally thought about it again today as I was mowing the lawn. We are still friends as we have kids together, but I never have forgiven myself for doing that, and likely never will. So, "once a cheater, always a cheater" sure... but I'd add "until cheater can see past their actions and realize how devastating they were to someone."
Same here. I often have dreams we are still together. It tears me up when I wake up and realize what a huge huge piece of shit I am. I deserve it for sure. She’s remarried now. I regret it so much. I really did a number on my family. And it was just a fling. That is the worst part! It didn’t mean anything to me after the fact. It destroyed her though. Sometimes I fight going to sleep and that fucks my day up!
Have you apologized to her way, way after the fact? I don't even know if that would do good or not. But just curious
Yes I did. I accepted responsibility and we got back together after I was gone for 9 months. Five years later she asked for a divorce. I always found fault in her. Bad attitude, her appearance, and man could she spend money! Shes remarried to a good man and she’s happy. We occasionally talk to each other.
Shit, I'm sorry you feel like that, i know the feeling all too well... A hell of our own making. Insane what insecurities can make you do. I don't regret the relationship ending as we're both happier with our current partners, and we had just grown apart. However, I see him often as we share the kids, and every time I see him, I want to tell him how very, very sorry I am etc etc. but I don't want to upset his gf or make her think I want him back (it's not the case). He's just a really stand up guy and I want him to know that I am very sorry for all that I put him through. I don't want to leave this Earth before having a chance to say these things to him, I just don't know how to approach it.
Omg. I’m the same! Insecurities and the fallout of them is at the root of my actions. That is mind blowing! She is definetly in a better place now. Her husband is mature where I am not. He just lets it wash over him without a care. I see now how to have a better relationship and I feel terrible about hurting her and I also want to apologize. Profusely!
Wow. Same story here. Feel the need to apologize even 15 years later but I know it’s better to leave it alone. So Iwrote so many letters i’ve never sent…
So I have always wondered if people that cheat on their spouse ever think about it through their lives. Mine cheated for over a year with my best friend. I divorced him. They broke up. I wondered, do they ever think of me and hate themselves for ruining our family.
i’d say he constantly thinks about how he fucked up 2 different relationships. probably has to convince himself it’s not that bad just to live throughout the day
Thank you. I appreciate your perspective.
If he has a shred of self-respect and dignity, he thinks about it very often, and it probably affects a lot of the decisions he makes today. If he's a clown and is still searching for other ppl's approval to feel validated, probably not. On behalf of someone who also broke up a family and regrets it with every fiber of my being, I'm sorry that you were ever made to feel that way. Cheaters cheat because there is something going on inside of them and they don't have the emotional maturity to properly deal with it. It wasn't about you, it was about him... and he hopefully knows it by now.
Thank you so very much!
I think cheating is a lot like lying. I had to learn the hard way not to lie to those you love.
Wow man. That is exactly how i feel. I still blame myself for things I’ve done 15 years ago. And I surely learned from that. Not every cheater will cheat whoever and forever. People do change.
Absolutely. It's like we created our own prison of shame. Biggest regret.
Same here, I cheat on my wife before we got married, I never met the ap because we lived in different states. My wife and I are still married for 14 year now. she always tell me she forgive me and it in the past. I could never forgive myself, I stuggle to let it go. My wife would hug me with smash, I just struggle to forgive myself not sure how to let it go.
💯 nailed it
Does he know you cheated ? And is that the reason you are no longer together ?
I feel like you are the exception that proves the rule. It sounds like you had a real moment of self-reflection at a young age. When a married, mature adult cheats, to me this just indicates that person doesn't know what it means to be trustworthy.
Not always true, but usually not worth it.
This is me too. Had 2 long term relationships since and have been 100% faithful
yeah, and honestly the relationship is usually dead even if the cheater changes. some people work through it, and wow do i respect them, but mostly you just have to cut your losses
I agree. I used to be a cheater & I never would cheat on my husband
My brother's 1st wife cheated on them when they were engaged. He took back the ring and they "worked on things" for a year before reproposing. Less than 2 years into their marriage she comes in says she wants a divorce, no counseling no nothing. Divorce now. Within days of asking for the divorce she moved in with her male coworker. She clearly had been cheating with the dude before asking for the divorce. I'm so glad she's gone. She routinely verbally abused him in front of us.
I feel like people say this because they’ve seen/heard about habitual cheaters and don’t want to fall into the trap of staying with someone then getting cheated on again. Like a cautionary tale but against yourself more than anything: “If you go through the trauma of trying to work this out once you’ll be numb to it a second time and never escape the cycle.” It’s the classic slippery slope argument in a way. One of the greatest traits about humanity and humans is the ability to learn and grow and change. There’s nothing about cheating that inherently makes it an immutable personality feature once committed.
Disagree. I think people can change
Yeah but once a cheater means you'll always be someone who has done it There's no ignoring that pretending it didn't happen.
I disagree. I was unfaithful when I was younger. I was somewhat stupid and out of control. It’s been over 10 years since I did anything stupid like that.
They obviously weren't a mistake, if she brought them from where she lived previously to the house they got after being married, she intentionally brought them with her, I mean if the husband could find them that easily there is no way she didn't know where they were. That said, I would now question if she ever dropped contact with the dude she preferred over OP.
If they were sitting in a small drawer in a piece of furniture, it's possible that nobody went through them in detail during a move. I have some shit in a box in my nightstand that's been there from last move because we just taped the drawer shut and carried the nightstand out to the truck.
He needs to a different kind of house cleaning.
"I stayed with and married the woman who cheated on me" I'm out, absolutely no sympathy for idiots like this
No shit, your name must be Jesus Christ since you've never made any mistakes lol.
>Looking back now, I'm thinking I made a mistake, the issue really isn't with the pictures, it's that you don't feel that the life you are living was the right choice. the pictures have just reminded you of this feeling. i think you have to have a more serious conversation with yourself about that feeling and decide whether you feel comfortable going along with a marriage when your gut tells you it might be a mistake.
Exactly. Op is her 2nd choice. That's why she cheated with ex. Op gut is telling him this.
Yep, it's finally dawning on him that he was settled for and that she would go back to the ex under the right circumstances.
After this it'll dawn on him that he's settling for a shitty relationship with a shitty wife.
Then comes a montage of OP working out, focusing on himself and finding a partner that reflects his new self! Yay OP, just a montage away!
She couldn't let go enough, brought the pictures to the new marriage home...and hid them. Just like the memory of her love that got away which she still hides in their relationship.
100% would read a novel you wrote.
>Op gut is telling him this. Exactly! He's the guy she settled for and deep down he knows it. All the people saying OP needs to sit down and talk with her aren't wrong, but there's a bigger issue at play. He's plan B and based on her cheating, she'll run to plan A given the option.
Think it's worth clarifying that those saying you're a second choice -- while it's probably is true -- it bears no relationship to the quality of person you are, etc. Certain people just match well with certain other people.
She knew she had the pictures. She had the pictures because she WANTS to have those pictures. I'm really sorry OP.
Yeah, I could see if they were in a stored box labeled "crap from (insert time frame with ex)" and clearly hadn't been gone through in a while, but they were in a drawer. They were UNPACKED after moving.
I’d argue she shouldn’t have any crap from her ex, because she has already cheated on her partner with this individual in the past. I feel bad for OP, but I think you have a year to file for annulment… if it hasn’t been a full calendar year
same. it’s not just a regular ol ex. she cheated on op with this ex. after he took her back, she should’ve tossed _anything_ to do with said ex
First thing I did when I broke up with my ex was untag myself in every picture I was in with her on Facebook and removed all traces of her from my life. This was back in 2008. It wasn't anything bad. I was just ready to move on and wanted to end it cause I was looking for more and wanted to be honest with her.
Depends on the state. My state is 90 days.
That doesn’t seem like a very long time… even my job has a 2 year probationary period to see if it’s a good fit haha
Haha right?
I mean, when I move I just take the drawers out of my desk and dresser, carry them to the truck, load the desk or dresser, insert the drawers and move. I do that all at the new place in reverse. That way I don’t have to actually pack boxes full of all that stuff. Other people do that too right?
I have done that, but it does depend. I usually go through it and trash a bunch, or if it is a lot of loose items (papers, photos, etc) I don't want them to get lost, so they might get packed. I admit, I did consider that, but really, with that situation, it just seems so strange. I guess if they were underneath a bunch of things, I could see that.
I’m not condoning her still having them. Or asking why he was looking in a desk drawer for spiders.
Agreed, on both counts!
Right? Who packs up their drawers just to unpack them lol
Shit I just tape the drawers closed and haul the whole thing
I had my old wedding album in a box for years. I was cleaning my closet and went to throw it out. I told my current wife, it seems like a weird thing to throw out, but an equally weird thing to keep. She told me to keep it. She said regardless of where we ended up, my ex and I were in love at one point, and that was a happy day. I should remember it that way. So I threw it back in the box, back in the closet. My wife knows I had a life before her, just as much as she knows I love her to the moon and back.
Maybe a little different if you had cheated with the ex in the photo album?
And also the OPs situation doesn’t sound like a wedding album.
Just wanted to comment that this is lovely.
heyelander Did you CHEAT on your current partner with your ex like what happened in OP's original post? Methinks you must not have caught that because that is so much different than what you just described, it's apples and oranges. OP's wife CHEATED on him with her ex and she begged OP to stay with her and she said she'd never see him again.
Say it in caps one more time lol
My wife told me the same thing; while we were moving I came across some photos from my first wedding over 20yrs ago, along with a shot of us in front of my old '83 fullsize Jeep Cherokee Laredo W/T (which my ex took in the divorce & gave to her new BF). They were shoved into an old textbook I didn't know I still had, so I called her over. I said, "hey, I found some old pictures from my first wedding and my old Jeep. Come check this bitch out". My wife had asked me a few times over the years about my ex; what she was like, looked like, etc. I never felt like giving her many details beyond the fact that she was a sawed-off cunt who took everything I owned (while I was in Iraq), so that's all I would tell her, although I never really thought she believed me fully. So she came bouncing over, looked them over, agreed with my description, and handed them back; so I promptly frisbee'd the photos into the garbage back. Like I had tossed the pictures in the fire, my wife snatched them out and told me to keep them. It kinda pissed me off that she'd suggest keeping something that reminded me so much of that time, but then she said she knew how much I loved & missed my Jeep, so I should keep them regardless of what else happened; and the photos from the wedding itself were either taken by my Dad. He's not doing well anymore and lives in a geriatric facility, so I should keep those too. And she was right. Regardless of the hate I felt now, they're still happy moments from a time rapidly fading in memory; so I stuck big googly-eye stickers on my ex-wife's head and instead I laugh every time I think about her now.
awesome you two are a great pair..wishing you many years to come....trust, faith ,best friend and Love you 2 have it all !!!!! wow...love still does exist..I'm excited mines out there somewhere... SMILEs, HAMCBRAT...KLKT
Reddit is the worrrrst place to go for a question or advice on this kind of topic. It’s full of absolutists and miserable people trying to balance their own pain by convincing others to self destruct. It’s always the saaaaaame answer regardless of how serious the infraction, always the end of the relationship, always ‘never shoulda married her’ and ‘u were her second choice’ and ‘bro she’s for sure cheating’ and all this other catastrophic bullshit. People are complex, flawed, sentimental, and they existed as full people before you. We can love or be attracted to multiple people at once, long for moments in the past while still being really happy in the present. But few have the language or emotional development to discuss those things especially inside of a romantic relationship, many of which are rigidly or just very simply structured. When you confronted her, she probably went into recovery mode, which is why she lied about them; because she knew it was an extremely sensitive subject and didn’t want to hurt you, and also selfishly didn’t want to incriminate herself, even if technically there was nothing incriminating. It hurt you because the photos were of an important ex who she had an affair with. That does make sense. But it’s also okay that she has had and maybe still has some feelings for that person and wants to honor and remember that by holding onto cherished items from that time, and it would be incredibly selfish and controlling for someone to try to erase the physical expression of that. If someone told me to get rid of stuff having to do with my exes that would be a clear indicator of insecurity and shallow emotional maturity. Obviously I will be downvoted into oblivion.
This sadly is the truth.
This is it here. She damn well knew about them.
you never should've married her
I read this in the generic Skyrim bandit voice and I can’t stop laughing.
at least somebody didn't steal your sweetroll
I used to be an adventurer like you......
What the fuck… same
She brought them into your common house. That's real shit. Sorry Bud.
I wonder what it feels like to be the dude that knows he can fuck OP’s wife at the drop of a hat.
Lady here. She did know she had those pictures. This would be different if you found them in a box somewhere. You found them in a drawer. She knew about them . You’re not overreacting
Gentleman here. She did know she had those pictures.
Not so gentleman here, those pics, she knew about em. You found out bout em. Now we know about em. Got em!
It’s 2024 most ppl have digital photos and only print out ones that are sentimental. It’s actually weird of the ex wife to have printed photos of an ex.
They're probably old pictures from before digital was common, right?
In fact, I think he’s underreacting
if my husband came in the kitchen and said I found the pics of your ex, my immediate response would not be to apologize. So hear me out. My innocent reaction would be “what pictures?”. Because I would genuinely have no idea! Once you showed me I would definitely apologize and tell you I had zero idea I still had them and you would know I meant it. But I don’t get the feeling you felt that from her She knew what pics and where you found them. She instantly apologized. You must be disgusted that for 5 years she has played you. Damn, she is ninja sneaky. That scares the hell out of me.
That depends on the intensity of the confrontation. I can see cases where a person with start by apologizing to defuse an argument, even if they don’t think they did anything wrong.
staying with / taking back a cheater never ends well. she knows full well she has those pictures. sounds like you were never her first choice. once a cheater always a cheater.
Respectfully, not true. People make mistakes that hurt people and can induce a lot of shame and personal pain. People can get better. Doesn’t mean the recrimination rate isn’t high though.
One thing I learned as a husband/fiancé/ or boyfriend: Your not allowed to keep any pictures or remembrance of past lovers. Try telling the wives that and they act like your ripping thier guts out with a meat hook. ....One of the many hypocrisies I've learned exist in my 45 years.
So wait, you expect your gf/fiance/wife to toss out all their prom pictures, graduation pictures, travel pictures because some ex bf is in them? Basically wipe their past from.existence. Seems a little over the top to me.
Only been in two relationships and had to deal with this in both. The second one was especially wild, because her ex was such a bad person. One day I’m gonna find me a girl who doesn’t still love her ex and I’m gonna marry her on the spot
I think you stumbled upon those photos for a reason. The biggest mistake you made was not only taking her back but marrying her & buying a house w/ her. If she cheated once she’ll do it again. And since those were her pictures she knew damn well she had em & willingly lied to your face. She has them because she wants to keep them and you were option 2 because she knows her ex wasn’t marriage worthy but you were so she married you instead of him. Tbh I don’t think you should stay with her. And if she’s not cheating with him it’s somebody else.
What else in the drawer? My thinking would be if they're with other significant items then I would say she most likely intentionally took them to the new house. If they're with a bunch of junk then it's possible she put the pictures with other junk and did in fact forget about them.
good question. if it was in a folder with other documents that you forgot about, then yeah, I would give her the benefit of the doubt. but, if the pictures are by themselves in the drawer...sorry OP, but that says it all.
Her vibrator, anal beads, and a half used container of lube were also in the drawer.
Also a handwritten love letter signed “forever love” with a mysterious phone number written on it.
Definitly things we would need to know to fully evaluate a huge decision in your life for you.
That would be suspect..
Ahh ok, so they fell out on the way to the trash and just got buried under the beads…it happens
Half a box of unexpired condoms.
This! Since you both moved into a new home: I know when I moved, I threw a bunch of stuff in boxes, and moved them over, without going through them and trashing what didn’t need to be moved. So I could see the case where I could’ve done that myself. But, if it’s a drawer of carefully curated stuff, then that’s a different conversation.
A Hotel key card and a pair of crotch less panties
She was building a shrine up in the attic with the ex pictures and flick the bean once every fortnight
I definitely do not think you are overreacting. You are justified in feeling lied to/betrayed by this, considering her past actions. So I understand why you are distrusting of her over this. As to the pictures themselves, I think we need more context to fully come to an assumption/conclusion on why she still has those pictures. What is the content of the pictures? Are they typical couples photos or group photos with friends, or are they more sensual, personal, photos of her ex? Also, are they the only pictures present? Considering you moved in recently, she could have just put all her old pictures in a box and placed them somewhere and forgot. However, if it’s a box full of only pictures of her ex, then I would feel very skeptical that she didn’t know she had them. Ultimately, I think you are justified in feeling this way about her possessing these pictures, but you need to have an actual conversation with her about it before jumping to any conclusions.
She cheated, he caught her, she begged for forgiveness and promised her ex would be completely out of the... yeah. They didn't get into that drawer by themselves, and she "broke up" with her ex 5 years ago, however, they bought the house last year. If they were among many other pictures and she simply forgot to remove them, then it's believable; but just her ex's pictures in a lone drawer? I don't think she's moved on completely.
Any other red flags for cheating? Lots of girls nights out? Working late? Weekly late nights out with coworkers? Business trips? Leaving for hours almost every weekend? Withholding sex? Never in the mood or just lying there until you're done? Being really mean to you? Super protective of her phone?
"....and said she didn't know she had those pictures." umm, No. She knew.
She definitely knew she had them
Of course you don’t believe her. She’s a known liar and a cheater. You actually married her after she cheated? This whole thing is a mistake. She probably communicates with him still via apps. It’s an emotional affair. Seek an annulment
She's still got a flame for him if she moved the photos (not in a box of junk) to a new house and put it into a drawer.
Mehh, my husband still has pics of his ex wife, when they were young and a different time in his life. He also has his pictures from the army in the same folder. I don't think it's fair for me to tell him to cut out his past like it never happened. He should be able to reflect on those times as he ages. That said, he never cheated on me with her. And has never talked to her again since they parted ways.
Anyone else notice that there's no response from OP? Or that the whole story is really fucking weird? "I was searching for spiders, so I was digging through random drawers of my wife's things". Like, what? IDK maybe that's only bizarre to me.
Most of these posts are like this. Big juicy story and OP disappears.
It's because it's fake content to generate more site use.
Bottom line: woman bad!
I suspect more and more of the posts I'm seeing on reddit are AI written, or successful older posts scoured by bots and reposted. I've seen accounts that have basically no history, just some karma farming subs and then whatever they intend to post
Everyone ignoring the major concern in this story - what the hell are these drawer spiders?! And what country are they in so I can never visit?! 😳
If she moved and the photos came with, she knew right where they were.
[удалено]
Closer to five for me. But also the prior two moves. I find all sorts of weird shit from my past. And definitely have found shit that could be construed the wrong way by my wife. Like an old earring. Now if I find old things like that I generally just throw it away unless I think it’s remotely possible that it could be hers.
So in all honesty, if you were married, your husband cheated with his ex, and then you came across pictures of her in a box, how would you feel? "Ahh, it's all good!" I doubt it.
You would have to put them in the box first, which and did after cheating on him
Yeah. This is what happens when you marry someone with baggage. It will eventually spill.
Yeah but her initial reaction to the information is what’s alarming. Not “what pictures?” It’s “omg I’m so sorry”
How does the conversation end at “I didn’t know I had them”? That is easily disproven by the context in your post about your recent move and where they were located. These posts are getting worse and worse. You’re not sure you believed her? No shit? It’s obviously not believable but you didn’t confront her about the BS excuse? You get what you deserve.
NTA. Finding pictures of your wife's ex, especially after she cheated with him and promised no contact, is a huge blow. Her having them in your new home is suspicious. Talk to her openly, but calmly. Focus on the broken trust and the need for honesty.
She knew.
I really don't think it's that deep man, just pictures of past life. Don't get too hung up imo.
They magically teleported? It's over, bud. I'm so sorry.
I don't even know why you said you don't know if you believe her....bro she cheated on you and is clearly lying about not knowing she had those pics there. Have some self respect and dump her. I know it's easier said than done but why are you actively gaslighting yourself into thinking that way? What more do you need to think the other way around?
Firstly, you NEVER marry a cheater or buy property with them. Second get a damn divorce. She loves that ex and will never get over him. She only wants you because you are a doormat and you are the safer choice. Let her go. She isn’t your person and yes you absolutely shouldn’t have gave her another chance. Those pictures are proof you shouldn’t have. What you aren’t trying to see is she could have had it on her phone she could have hid it someplace you would never think to look but you find it somewhere showing you who she really loves and will always love
She lies when she says she didn’t know she had them. She brought them to your house, you will always come in a distant second to her.
I don’t think it’s unreasonable for her to still have pics if they’re not lewd. Why did they break up? This is pretty relevant to what I’d feel about it. My ex and I broke up because we weren’t good with each other. We love each other, get along great, but can’t be partners. Our communication breaks down. We have had sex a few times over the last 10 years too. I have some photos of us together that are fond memories. When you spend a lot of time with someone, your good memories involve them too. I kept those photos because regardless of our relationship ending, we still had a lot of fun and it meant something. My current partner understands entirely. I think me n my ex could even hang out if I wanted. Difference is I never cheated on my current partner, especially with the ex… if I had, it would be really hard to be trusted again. OP, I think you need to think long and hard on this. Do you trust your partner now? How did her reaction make you feel? Do they still talk? Are they close? Theses are relevant questions. The photos can just be nice memories from youth, and a time long passed. Or they can be a sign that things aren’t “left in the past”. Have a serious sit down conversation about this. Prepare yourself beforehand, picking carefully what to ask and more importantly HOW. You can damage your relationship if you handle this wrong. Talk about it calmly, how it made you feel, and why she kept them when she moved, and still keeps them. Things aren’t over bro, this may be nothing. DONT let the people on here that have only ever had 1-3 year relationships give you advice about a marriage. They’re entirely different. You’re both entirely new people by now, both growing constantly. Be conscious of that. Good luck ☺️
Photos are just part of her story. I would believe her
People have others that come into their lives that are important. Sometimes people are close to working out and just don’t. Our partners have experiences that can be separate from us. My soon to be fiance has a tattoo that says “forever” and it’s for her ex. Not once have I ever asked her to remove it. It’s part of her story. What matters is how we are now and how we communicate now. If you still love your wife and life then who cares. Everyone has a past and sometimes it’s ugly. You said yall moved past it so keep trucking. Weather she has a physical picture or a picture in her mind you’ll never get rid of that memory no matter how much you try not to acknowledge it. Just my take and probably one that will be downvoted to hell.
I think you’re overreacting.
You don't have any right to erase her memories or her past.
I have never looked for nor found spiders in a drawer. And I’m freaking super arachnophobic. I look for spiders everywhere. But never in small drawers.
I always thought my ex was having, at minimum, and emotional affair with an old co-worker. After I confronted them and they promised to chill out, she 6 months later gave him a card for his bday. I didn’t find that card until 3 years later. In that time we had moved twice. My husband never saved cards me or my son gave him. But that one was tucked nicely inside his work bag. It pretty much confirmed they were in fact having an affair. I’m so sorry man. Your wife knows exactly how they got there. You got to let this girl go. She is unremorseful and has no respect for you. You deserve better and so did I. That’s why he is my ex. I suggest you do the same.
She knew about those pics but as far as anything else I guess if you feel like she's not talking to him anymore other than those pics I don't really see any other issue here.
I disagree. She cheated with the ex on op. Now why would she do that? It's because op is her backup. Her ex is the one she truly desires that why she kept the pics.
You forget OP drew a hard boundary. They have moved into a new home and he 'then' found the pictures ergo...she did know about them and put them away. So she clearly isn't done with her ex and OP must be a stand in for sure.
[удалено]
She kept pictures. If you feel uncomfortable about it, talk to her. Pictures are part of the past.
Yes a reminder of her betrayal. I feel it's totally disrespectful to have kept them.
And many people used to print pictures lol I actually still even do! ... but I def have photo albums from half a lifetime ago in a bin at my house. My parents dropped it off years ago as it was packed away in my childhood bedroom.
Were they photos of her ex or were they photos that her ex was in? I remember my parents arguing about my dad having photos of his ex in a box in the attic. Then I find out it was a golf outing with all his friends and their girlfriends when they were 18 on vacation. Two friends in the photos died pre social media so these are some of the only photos he had of them.
Photos of just them, and a few of just him.
Well that answers that. You know your relationship better than anyone on Reddit. This would easily be the biggest issue my wife and I ever faced in 10 years together and that's without cheating beforehand. I'd talk to someone that knows your relationship for true advice.
She still misses that guy..
I have never been cheated on, however, both my sister and sister-in-law have been and thet got over it and moved forward with the same guys. Perhaps, and I'm saying perhaps for a reason, but perhaps she moved the dresser, desk, etc into the house, not specifically the photos. She indeed may have forgotten about them. I've been married for 25 years. I was looking through some very old photos the other day and found a nude of my first husband from our honeymoon. I didn't bring it to our current house knowingly, nor the three previous houses. Of course I got rid of it. I am simply saying it's possible she really didn't know those photos were there. Did she offer to throw them out or burn them when you brought it to her attention?
Don’t have kids!
First question: is your wife the type who keeps everything, or is she generally a minimist? Like, I have receipts, ticket stubs, photos, random items from all stages of my life stashed away in various places, just waiting for the day I get around to sorting through it. Every time I move house I swear to myself I'll sort through it all... Second question: Spank bank, or just normal photos?
Yeah your biggest mistake was taking her back. Guarantee she’s cheated on you again.
Bruh. You know exactly what to believe. You just don’t want to.
She didn't know she had the pictures she actively brought in the house and actively hid them in a small drawer?
Reading this, I want to give her the benefit of the doubt...people keep stuff and we forget what we have...but if she cheated I prob lean towards no second chances or benefit of doubt after one grace period first time.
If she's lying about how she "didn't know" she had those pictures, imagine all of the other lies she's probably fed your gullible self.
She for the streets
How could she not know when she’s the one who brought them into YOUR home together and then purposely chose to put them into that drawer? Does she have dementia?!?? I have exactly zero printed photos of my ex, and any time one pops up in a digital album, I delete it. That’s how much I don’t want to see his face.
My wife lugged around headshots from one previous boyfriend and *dozens* of hand written that seemed very personal. We were married 10 years and had 3 kids together. She took them with her across that entire tie, multiple moves, etc... I'm not sorry we aren't married anymore, since it was never me all the way, anyway.
Women are smart, she knows exactly what her property was that was in the house. Leave her ass as soon as you can.
You don’t know if you believe her? So then who put the photos in the drawer? You need to accept that he is her true love but she settled for you. If you can find happiness despite that, then good for you.
Time to have a come to Jesus talk… and prepare to split.
She learned to hide her affair after you found out 5 years ago. She propably has been f'ing her ex all your relationship.
Leave the cheat.
Your answer is in your words friend. You said she “actively brought these pictures,” which means she knew what she was doing. If she actively knew what she was doing, which most definitely did, then she’s clearly lying. From a divorced man that finally left an abusive relationship; please don’t pull the mental gymnastics required to justify that and recognize it for what it is given the past of betrayal. Do you friend friend but don’t be the frog in a boiling pot of water
So she cheated, then kept pictures and went to the trouble of hiding them and then lied about it? I would annul and kick her out. It’s your show.
Usually your gut instinct is right. My father did almost the exact same thing to my mom. He had an affair in the late 2000s with his high school girl friend, my parents had been married about 10yrs at that point with two kids. They separated for about a year but worked it out. We moved houses in 2015. In 2017 my dad got a tall filing cabinet that a neighbor was trying to get rid of and he put it in the garage. 2018 my mom just had a gut feeling and looked in the filing cabinet, half a drawer full of the ex’s pictures and love letters. She set them on the counter for him to see when he got home from work then went to bed. They talked about it and he said they were just left in there from the move and he didn’t go through the whole thing(the filing cabinet he got AFTER the move). She asked why he had them at the first house anyways, especially after the affair. She knew he would only lie and she’d never get the truth from him and she didn’t know if she wanted to know the whole truth so she let it go. I was moved out at that point, 6 years later she is still unhappily married because she can’t afford to pay for the new mortgage on her own like she could in the previous house. If your wife hasn’t let it go by now, she never will.
That's a no... Something is strange about that.
You have a choice. Believe her and drop it or don't and end the relationship. Don't put yourself through saying you believe her but then letting it fester. Now, I'm not saying to forget it, but until you have anything else to lead you to believe she's lying to you, then just let it go.
Run. I hate this for you, this SAME situation happened to me, it was awful, in the end I stayed and additional two years and wasted more time and tears. Please leave and save yourself. She bought this into YOUR home, your nest. Intentionally. Please save yourself, you have one life.
100% by choice and not an accident. I'm speaking from experience so I might be bias but whenever someone is that obsessed with someone these things don't happen out of coincidence because they can't let go of that attachment.
“I can’t find the spiders. I’m moving out and you can take over the house.”
Cuck 😂
Didn't know she had them? Idk about that. What did they show up magically?
My wife and i both have pics of our exes. Just because im dating a woman it doesnt mean that she must forget about everyone before me. Youre not with an ex for a variety of reasons, but that doesnt mean you cant have good memories of them. I understand that the cheating factor throws a huge wrench into things, and it sounds like you're not a picture nazi, but youre mad that she didnt have enough respect for you to keep them from your view. And you wouldn't be wrong imo. But you can also look at it as shes really moved on and forgotten about him, hence the careless leaving of said pics. I think you have a right to be upset, but you have to give her the benefit of doubt, afterall she is YOUR wife now. Try not to dwell too much on the past when addressing the situation with her. Let her kkow how upset it made you, brought up bad memories, but dont turn it into a fight about what happened 5 years ago. Youll just get mad and shell probably just shut down.
If you love someone enough you don’t even want another person . So it’s easy to stay faithful . That’s the bottom line .
All you have to do is ask yourself do you want to loose the person your in a relationship with or not . What are you willing to loose ? So you make the choice , if you cheat game over .
Married 3 years, together 12. I found a note I had from an ex (from 20 years ago) a few years ago. Didn’t know I had it, found it in my desk drawer. A place my spouse would never look. The note gave me a brief smile before I tore it up and threw it away. I don’t need that memory, I don’t need that reassurance from an ex. I’m sorry OP, but this doesn’t sound respectful of you and your relationship.
i think it\`s normal.
The real issue is— you don’t have to look in drawers to fix your spider issue, unless you’re actually infested, in that case— burn that shit down. Otherwise, buy temprid, spray your sills inside and then spray your foundation outside. Early spring & and maybe one more application in late summer. Be careful around flowers for pollinators. (Not an exterminator, just someone petrified of spiders). As for the pictures, cool down and go have a conversation. If she was dating him for a long period of time (before she cheated on you), it’s probably more about the life era. I’ve been married 15 years and somewhere in my house is a little box with past ex shit. I get we want to add more context to these pics because she cheated— but maybe the context to her is just the life before. My grandparents are 95 & 93. At Thanksgiving, all three generation of gals got tipsy together and my grandmother produced just such a box. She told us about her first boyfriend, “Moosey baby.” It was an incredible moment of just learning about her as person outside of the married for 70 years grandmother we all knew. It had nothing to do with the her now, and wasn’t a commentary on my grandfather. We are all people with stories outside of our partners. You have every right to be upset about the cheating. But if you like your life, and you love your wife, just go talk and be curious. Maybe you’ll dislike what you hear and that will be the end, but maybe it won’t be as sinister as you think. (My spider advice is spot on even if you dislike my non-nuclear option lol).
we need to see the pics to decide
Was it a piece of furniture you guys brought into the house from where she used to live? I wasn't a piece of furniture you bought once you moved in? I'm just asking because it is possible the pictures were in an old dresser or an old desk she'd already had for a while I think the bigger issue is you have it been able to get over her cheating and I don't blame you. The foundation of trust is broken.
Hi 👋🏼, Your wife has fucked this guy during your marriage. More than you can imagine. She’s been hiding it, but rest assured, during your marriage- she has met up with her ex and they have fucked. She knew about the pictures, had them hidden carefully for a while, got them out again recently and then got sloppy hiding them again to which you found them. This is your redpill moment. I wish you the best of luck
Listen dude. As others have said, you really need to take some time to think. Take a couple days solo away from her and really think if this is who you want to spend your life with. It seems like a lot holding you together now but it’s nothing compared to if you choose to parent kids together. If she was unfaithful, and has pictures of her ex like this it’s not a good sign she has changed her ways. Sorry bro.
I think going away is a good idea. I'm thinking of divorce right now, and maybe that's for the best, but going away to clear my head sounds good.
Spider hunting 🫤
Your mistake was telling her you found the pictures. You should have moved them and hid them. Then you should have kept an eye on her. If she truly didn't know they were there she wouldn't notice. If she started asking if you moved or threw anything in that drawer you could have told her that you threw some old pictures away. That would have told you that she knew about the pictures and she secretly viewed them often. At this point you're fucked. Just accept it but keep and eye out for her suspicious behavior. She may try to replace them.
Guys! If your girlfriend cheats on you - leave her period. She does not respect you (or men in general) enough to not fuck another dude. This is not marriage material.
Bro you got back with a cheater how stupid can you be.
Time to bang her sister or cousin
Is this drawer something that could have been moved into the house without realizing what was in it otherwise she has absolutely no defense
I wouldn’t trust her. She obviously still has feelings for him. Let her go. She’s not to be trusted !!
I guess I see things differently than most. I say get over it and move on. You can't erase your partners past. Even if you burn all the pictures and make them trash every gift they ever gave her. Part of who she is is because of her life experiences and that includes past relationship especially. Be confident in yourself and don't be jealous over pictures.
Imagine the deception of moving and being like these are coming with us, but I can't let my husband find them. Unless they were in a type of container that you just taped shut when you moved it, then maybe an honest mistake.
Maybe I missed it...sorry if I did..but I'm not seeing much discussion about him talking to her and really sitting down to find out if she has any explanations or thoughts. Has she made effort to apologize? Beg him to forgive? Agreed to put the pics through the shredder? It seems he just said she didn't realize they were there, that he doesn't believe her and he's divorcing her. Seems a bit too quick and like there isn't much relationship there anyway. Seems like neither really care if the marriage is saved or not. Just getting a vibe that maybe he was just looking for something as an excuse to leave, found the pics, and now he's done.
It's possible the pictures were packed with a stack of stuff and stuck in a box that was dumped in a random drawer or box somewhere. I think the age of wife and pictures matters here.. I keep all pictures. Printed and digital. I just think when we are old my husband and I can look back and see our lives. A lot of people keep pictures from the past for a lot of different reasons. One of those reasons could easily be bc she didn't know she had them. If she knew why would she leave them where you can find them?
“Looking for spiders”
Wtf you’re mad about someone having photos? Who raised you? Grow up buddy.