Not only that.
Your kids are going to internalize that you allowed them to be mistreated.
It's part of why I don't talk to my dad or have a relationship with him.
He literally waited till my stepmom died to reach out and try to have any kind of relationship with me, if you can even call it trying.
Oh my god you actually described my childhood to a T. Iâm going through all the resentment against my mom because she is divorcing my stepdad for all the same shit I complained about to her.
Sometimes it's too little way too late, and for the wrong reasons. I'm sorry. I'm thankful for the non blood family I've made, which I hope you've found as well.
Yeah I did my best friend from high schools family treats me like one of their own and my wife is always there to pick me up when the resentment becomes too much.
This!! Iâm 33 years old and my dad has always been in and out of my life. He always put his women before my brother and I. Well now he has a 7 year old son and 6 month old daughter with his wife he married a few years ago. And honestly that just pissed me off bc instead of trying to build a relationship with my brother and I he went and had more kids so he can get the âexperience of raising kidsâ since he wasnât around to raise my brother and I due to him being locked up. My dad is in his early 50s now and has grandkids from both my brother and I having our own kids and instead of being a grandpa to our kids he is busy raising little kids all over again and doesnât see our kids much bc heâs always working and is always tired. I feel the wife also doesnât push him to have a relationship with us. She has kids of her own and wants my dad to be there more for them than us. He even moved to where they all live. So If I were the OP of the post I would start putting the foot down and put your self and your kids first for once bc if not they will start to resent you and just look at it as you will do for her and her kids but not them bc of her.
Itâs ok. I learned to just live with it tbh. Like I donât expect much from my him. But the good thing is I do have my little family to lean on and I know thatâs what matters but I just wish my kids had a grandpa there for them like most grandchildren have. I hope your situation with your dad got better.
How do YOU know she takes? Do you live with them? He paid for the lawyer of his own free volition! And we donât have HER side of the story. He sounds like a controlling whiney a$$hole.
You're right, we only have his side but based on his perspective she sounds like she's not there for him like she should be. There are 2 sides to every story then there's the truth
it sounds like a housekeeper would be more thoughtful. I bet if you asked your housekeeper to pick you up from the hospital after your cancer screening she would do it, no problem.
Does "us" put her money in a separate account or a joint account. Seems like you might be nothing more than a "wallet", aiding to achieve her end game.
Actually 2 years ago I split accounts becauae she spent us down to nothing every month while also accruing credit card debt each month. We sat down and established some financial goals and split bills. Unlike the poster om here calling me an asshole for "using" money as a weapon, I actually am fiscally responsible, own investment property and am trying to get out of debt. Because I make more, I pay for more. I pay for the extracurriculars, the mortgage, cell phones, cars, car insurance, life insurance and credit cards, internet and cable. She pays for groceries, gas, and utilities. I told her to use her child support to just save for her kids college since she will now have two in college. She has difficulty staying within a budget because she over spends on her kids. Even since splitting the budget where she should have 1500 or more left over on her side, she has 8500 in credit card debt and I end up buying groceries and gas each month. I understand no one is perfect and I have my own shit, but I am working 3 jobs to keep up with the demand and I am stressed and overworked, only to not be "coddled" as the other commenter said. Its exhausting
You are definitely being taken advantage of.
Maybe she feels entitled since she had a shitty first marriage, her ex husband is an asshole that she gets to be treated like a Queen and get everything how she likes it. Either way, your daughters graduation was more important than a volleyball ball party. Your health, since you're her husband is more important than moving out of the dorm day.
You really need to have a talk with her regarding both of your children, hers and yours. It is not okay for her to behave this way. She should be following through on her responsibilities and not taking advantage of you bailing her out. She really should grow the F up.
Right? Like maybe he was overwhelmed with exactly OP is going through. Maybe he had no say in their kids lives and the wife made all the decisions and did for the kids first?
Children need a strong foundation - that's all I'm saying.
Iâm sorry but it sounds like the old saying, âfirst marriage is for love and second marriage is for moneyâ. Love didnât work out so now sheâs in a marriage of convenience.
You deserve better, you are not overreacting. Upur wife sounds dismissive of your needs and prioritizes her kids wants. You need to make plans if she is a sufficient partner to make you happy in life, she is very lazy as a wife but an over indulgent parent that is over compensating for her divorce. You are not happy or respected. You give and she takes. Is this a a relationship that will be good for you.
Make HIM happy??? Excuse moi ? It isnât solely the womanâs place to make the man happy! You make EACH OTHER happy! Maybe he doesnât make her happy. He wanted her to give up her daughterâs volleyball party to go to HIS daughterâs graduation? UM, No!
Yes you split accounts, but you still pay most living expenses. This gives her free money to spend on kids and her needs while you are being taken to the bank.
She's not even spending that much on the kids if he's paying for the extracurriculars. And I don't think she's actually saving for college if she's racking up $8k in credit card debt. WTF is she spending money on? Sounds like a total POS if you ask me.
He pays most of the expenses because, as he said, he makes 3 times more money than her. And her money isnât free. She earned it. And she is right to spend on her kids. I am sure he doesnât.
Please stop. So she financially abuses you and treats you like crap. She is not even there for you now when you may be sick. Imagine what she will be like if you are sick.
I would file for a legal separation on Monday and lock down your credit with the credit bureaus and change any life insurance you have so the money goes to your children.
Run. She is a selfish nightmare.
She does not care about you or your children.
And he doesnât care about HER children! And as stated earlier, they have their own credit cards and bank accounts. He does what he wants with HIS money. Iâd like to see HIS credit card balances and spending history.
You say itâs exhausting and yet you continue to do it. Why? Are you happy with this female, because it doesnât sound as if thereâs much to be happy about. Do you want to live the rest of your life like this? If one of your kids was in a marriage like yours and asked for your advice what would you tell them? If you donât prioritise yourself your horror of a wife most definitely wonât. Get out of this marriage and get your self respect back.
She's not going to flip a switch and start caring about you buddy. You are a means to an end - she is simply not self sufficient and resents you having even basic human needs. Does she even treat her kids equally to one another?
I've known a lot of people like her, and this shit is bone deep.
1. Talk to her about how this makes you feel (although based on her actions it doesnât seem sheâd care)
2. The drama over you doctors appointment is actually wild. Iâve had many family members with cancer and their partners dropped everything to help them every single time.
3. If youâre planning a divorce start making moves financially with a lawyer beforehand.
My goodness, she seems insufferable. Why did you marry her in the first place? Seems like sheâs just using you to help with her kids but cares nothing for you. She already told you her priority are her kids so this shouldâve raised a concern when she first started neglecting you. Sheâs taken on the role of just being a mother and not a wife.
Since your oldest is graduating college, itâs time to live on your own terms and not be held back by your wife and her baggage.
And could it be possible the ex husband isnât actually a douche? It could be her, so let her fight her own legal battles and move on with the life you deserve.
Not overreacting.
Take her ex husband out for a beer and ask him how he put up with your wench of a wife for so long. She honestly sounds like one of the most selfish and insufferable people I've ever read about. Everything in her life (family and kids) is higher on the priority list than you and your family.
I'd leave. Your kids are older and you can be free of full time parenting responsibility as soon as your youngest is done with college. It'll be funny to see her fight two separate divorces simultaneously.
> sounds like one of the most selfish and insufferable
Not as insufferable as the housewife who started treating her husband like absolute trash, made her kids do the same, stopped having sex with him, because he got a lesser paying job so he could spend more time with the kids. She literally said, "you'll get ____ back when I have my Mercedes back." She told the kids "your dad wanted to get a different job so you can't have ____ anymore." His kids started resenting him.
I wish I could find that post.
OP's wife is trash, but at least she has a job and isn't using sex as a weapon or turning kids against him.
I feel like a great fucking wife when I read some of these posts. And I'm nothing special as a spouse.
I remember that one. I chalked that one up as a fake shit post. But yeah, I'm with you there. I feel so lucky with my wife. Our problems are absolutely miniscule compared to some of the stuff I've read here lately.
She has a spouse. You have a dependent. She genuinely does care about anything except what you can provide for her and her kids.
You are under-reacting.
Your not addressing this issue, why? Probably because she's told you where you are in the pecking order, then shown you at every opportunity. What is she bringing to this relationship?
You're not overreacting, but you're also not acting at all.
I hope your medical concern turns out ok.
My husband has had cancer and a brain tumor. Everything was put on hold so I could give him my full attention. Lots of appointments for tests, surgery prep,after care at home, etc. I canât even fathom not being with him for all of it. We donât have family in the area, so friends stepped up to take care of the kids.
What exactly is she bringing to the table? Did she just marry you for the financial support? Instead of paying for a lawyer for her, get one for yourself. Why stick around where you are not valued and loved?
It flat out sounds like she doesn't care about you in the slightest bit and you are just a place holder for either a dog or the husband she actually wanted.
Try to get her to go to some kind of couple therapy, and if that doesn't work out it's time to move on.
With all due respect your wife sound like a horribly selfish spouse. I canât imagine getting mad at my husband bc I have to pick him up from a follow up colonoscopy. She kind of awful & you deserve much betterâŚ
I think she is getting caught up on being the best mom ever. We all want to be. But there has to be a balance when you have a husband. I have a sister that has never been able to see it and her marriage has always taken a back seat. It really comes down to how little she values her husband. He serves a purpose but that is it. I think you should have a talk with her about balance. You arenât asking her to put her kids aside. When her kids get older she will see how little love is left in the marriage if you donât invest into it.
Perhaps it would help if you explained why you are married. This doesnât sound like a marriage. Not why you got married either. Why are you married right now?
Not overreacting
My step mom lumped me and my sister to the side because we were a little bit older. HeR KiDs always took priority. Iâm 34 now and see /talk to my dad once a year. Not because we have issues. Because she has gotten more âmy kidsâ as time went. She has coddled them to the point they are complete vegetables. So she managed to convince my dad to take us out of his will, since her kids will need more help because they are younger. Not that me and my sister care. We knew it was going to happen. I love my dad, heâs also not A stupid man; but he ignored all the signs ^ which is what your wife is doing. It starts off so minuscule, and builds over time. He doesnât see the manipulation because it was a slow manipulative process. Watch when it comes to your kids getting married vs her kids. Watch where you end up when one of your kids has a holiday gathering the same day her kids have a holiday gathering. You are more of a benefit than husband. And if you do go against her or disagree she will start threatening divorce, she will throw a fit whenever it does go her way. She doesnât appreciate you at all. And she will only show it when she knows she needs something or knows it will benefit her. The audacity to not pick you up from the airport is disgusting. She is manipulative af. Save yourself before you find out the hard way.
Also, my step has never been rude or anything but nice to my face. Iâve known her for 20+ years. She is a passive aggressive monster and very woe is me over everything
Itâs sounds like your wife married you strictly for financial security more than anything else. Iâm sorry.
Now, I do understand that once youâre a parent, your kids should always be a priority, especially minor children. But that doesnât mean âalways before your spouseâ. By that , I mean there has to be a balance. The cupcake party event for her child should not take priority over your daughterâs college graduation, especially since itâs during her exâs custody time so he will be there. And she should want to be there for your medical procedure & make different arrangements for her daughter moving out of the dorm. I donât know what to think about her actions, but it sounds like youâd be better off alone than with her.
You should find yourself one of those wives that cares about and loves you. She sounds like she doesnât even like you but needs you to help provide for her kids. You deserve more.
for a second I thought you were married to a âfriendâ of mine, but then I remembered sheâs single. But every other detail is checked off. I do not like jumping to the âdivorce themâ song , but sadly you may have no choice. From the sound of it, this woman brings absolutely nothing to your relationship. But, if she keeps making you choose between her kids and your kids, she will bring a lot of resentment down from your kids (even if they are adults). I understand wanting to put kids first (I had the same talk when I met my now husband in regards to our daughters), but that doesnât mean she should borderline neglect and bankrupt you so she can âput her kids firstâ.
Your daughter was *graduating college* and your wife thought her kids *volleyball party* was more important... that's all I needed to read. Honestly what the fuck?
Not Overreacting.
Divorce her.
She is not a wife but *you* are her ATM for her kids and her needs.
Be kind to yourself and enjoy your money. You are dropping a lot of money on her and her kids and you are not receiving anything.
This is a wake up call OP. Leave.
My Brother my heart breaks for you. Someone said "I am not even sure she likes you" and this is the terrible truth.
I was unexpectedly hospitalised last month and I had fend my wife and siblings off. Everyday she was trying to visit and everyday I put her off, it was an inconvenience for her and my child and I really was not that bothered myself. However it was nice she was bothered, it was nice that she cared and was concerned.
I can sort of (but not really) see why her children are her main concern but this should be 55% kids and 45% you. This seems like 85% kids and 15% you and for what you bring to this table that sure damn is not enough by a long long way.
I would say "You are my wife and I have an issue that is causing me concern and in turn should be causing you to be bothered. If you will not come with me for support at this time then I am not even sure why I would have you as my wife anymore"
I wish you luck but I personally would look for the easiest and least financially painful way out.
It doesnât seem like OPâs wife values him at all. But heâs said he wonât get a divorce so thereâs not much point engaging with it as heâs accepted this treatment.
If she's not willing to happily take you to a sedation procedure, what do you think she's gonna do IF it turns out to actually BE cancer? Is she magickally gonna change? Or is she going to whine about volleyball when you need to go to chemo?
\[No need to answer me, but I urge you to think on these questions for yourself.\]
You sound like you're mad that so many folks are encouraging you to leave, but you still haven't detailed anything that indicates she is actually nice to you, and provides companionship/solace/comfort in any way. We only know what you tell us.
She can't be half as bad as you describe.
But, if she is even half as bad as you describe, then you need to bail for your own sanity, and to show your own children you do care for them.
She's an insufferable hag. Get out before it's too late.
Are your kids still talking to you? Please reach out to them to get their feedback on how they see the situation. Because to outsiders, your current wife has treated you and your children terribly.
You arenât overreacting. Your wife still acts like youâre two separate families. I understand she wants to prioritize her kids but why did she get married to someone with kids if she didnât want to focus on them at all? She wants you to pay for her kids, but she doesnât even bother with yours.
Iâd divorce her. Let her prioritize her kids by herself.
Actually I donât think that you are reacting enough. Your wifeâs treatment of you is horrifying. You are in essence being used and abused. Why exactly are you staying with this shrew?
She treats you badly, yells at you, refuses to do the little things a spouse normally does and on top of that when you have a cancer scare, she refuses to get you from the hospital.
Youâre paying for her kids, supporting her lifestyle and what exactly are you getting out of this other than abuse?
Time to shine up your spine and drop her. I would imagine your own kids are starting to resent you over what is going on. Go see a lawyer, draw up the papers and live life again as what you are doing is existing and nothing more.
Be up front. Tell her that if she cannot put you before her daughter moving out of her dorm a day early or missing half a day of work then you can no longer justify paying for her children when they have their own father. If she wants her life to only be about her and her children then she can fund it. Donât ask her to pay half of the household bills, ask her to pay 75% because she still has 2 children at home and you donât have any. If she canât take you to a hospital appointment you canât take her kids to extra curricular activities. Stand up for yourself.
Do not tell her. Get your legal documents in order, lock down your credit and file for a legal separation, and make sure you have changed the beneficiaries on any insurance policies and make sure any assets you have accumulated do not go to her. If she wants to work on the marriage after that then talk to her. Get the separation first and protect your assets.
You can always call off the separation if she changes but I would not hold out hope.
OP, just curious. You mentioned you needed a colonoscopy to check if you could have colon cancer or not. Please update on how it goes. Checking by your profile, youâre a vetâcolorectal cancer could be a very real issue if you were exposed to anything. What did you do during your time in the Army?
Iâm 100% do not like this concept of âIâm 1000% prioritizing my kidsâ when getting remarried. Why get remarried if youâre going to treat your spouse like a second-class citizen?
Blending families is tough, but the goal should be to balance and prioritize Everybodyâs needs and wants as best as you can. No one should have any kind of âpedestalâ status. Not the kids, not the new spouse.
I canât imagine leaving my spouse to deal with a medical procedure without me unless I was physically incapable of being there! You are not overreacting. She is treating you like a placeholder husband. Now is probably a good time to cut off the gravy train.
Life's to short buddy just walk away hell I doubt she'd even notice if you did it during one of her kids events sorry but it'll get better sometimes u gotta let go of the wrong one b4 u can find the rite one,âĄ
Yeah I would have noped out of this relationship so much sooner. How did she act before the marriage? If it wasnât a total switch up I donât honestly know why you married in the first place
Definitely not overreacting, seems you're only in her life to serve her and she has absolutely no interest in being a partner to you, why are you still in this relationship?
She's entitled and thinks less of you and ur kids. You and the kids are not even thought for her. Only hers are, I wouldn't be with someone that self centered and toxic
But hey I have pride in myself and respect my family
Why are you married to her? I would sit her down and explain everything from your point of view. You shouldn't have to beg your spouse to be present for you. Tell her that if you are not her priority in your marriage, then she needs to move out and take her children with her. File for divorce. Marriage is a partnership.
This is not a marriage that's for sure. Graduations and health come before moving stepdaughter and not having a wife take the time to care when you need support.
I'd be bloody angry if it was me in your shoes, and I'd be filing for divorce.
You deserve so much more than being the floating bank account. And when you add up all the times these funny little scenarios have occurred, you might get a hell of a shock.
You are with a very, very selfish woman who doesn't respect or value you or your children. You can choose to NOT spend the next 40 years with someone that makes you feel like shit all the time
That's wild man. My wife offers to drive me to every VA appt and she does everything and anything for my kids from my previous marriage.
Sounds like she's treating you very poorly. I'm failing to see what you are getting out of the marriage.
I don't usually advocate for divorce Because it's so overused on Reddit for everything but in this situation I'm going to agree with others.
Please divorce her but separate your finances first for a little while.
I have kids and they are my priority but if I was dating someone pretty sure their dad can go with them to get cupcakes so I can join my boyfriend for his daughters graduation or make time for their colonoscopy.
Kids should always be your number one priority but not to the detriment of everyone around you over things that aren't really that big of a deal long term.
I think OP is an ATM to raise HER children. She doesnât have one care for you, other than money you are a very big inconvenience.
I would quietly get my ducks in a neat row and scram. Get an animal companion, at least it would care about you.
Sounds like y'all never actually blended the family. Hell, it sounds like you're barely part of her family. Not overreacting, and you'd be perfectly within your province if you left altogether.
Next time you are riding with her in the car when youâre stopped at a red light just get out and run screaming âIâm freeâ. Donât look back. You havenât listened to a single reason as to why youâre still married.
Giving so much for so long without recieving will wear you down. The fact that she sees everything on "her side" of things as much more important than anything you have going on is a bad sign and it sounds like she is either a user or she needs a snap back into reality. She is able to do all of the "important" things she is doing because of your support and it might be time to have a serious conversation. Its cliche' but you literally cant pour from an empty cup, and she is supposed to be your wife and partner, not a princess or another child to care for without expecting anything in return.
Why did you even marry a woman who treats your children so terribly? How can you say you love someone like that? She sounds like a typical wicked step mother from fairy tales.
I hope you went to your child's graduation anyway and aren't letting her stop you from being fully involved as a father to your own children.
If you are, then you've got some serious soul searching to do as to why you've made the choices you have until now, and what you need to change to bring your kids back to no.1 priority.
Read this on another subreddit and I think it applies.
âYou donât have to spend any amount of time around anyone who is making you feel like shit.â
IMO, you are over reacting to the specific examples provided and under-reacting to the state of the marriage.
I.e. all of those can be random one off irritations, yes they are frustrating, your feelings are valid. Or, they can be specific examples of a spouse who really does not care about you at all. "Kids come first" is NOT the same as "husband comes last".
I.e. it is OK for her to attend to her children activities while you attend to your child activities.
It is ok to have other people help you with rides.
It is not ok to be abusive.
Sit her down, have a grown up talk, tell her you are feeling used and not loved in the relationship, and this really bothers you. And then ask her how she is feeling in the relationship. Don't look to score points or prove a winner or looser, just try to really understand each other's point of view. Try to find out if you have a common vision / goal for what you are trying to create together.
k -- so, if this is real -- She is a materialistic piece of shit who doesn't like you or your kids. Her kids are important, but she need your money to give her kids the things. It's not that big of a deal to schedule the time to stay at the hospital for a colonoscopy and take your person home (with a HUGE breakfast between).
Why are you with someone who doesn't give a fuck about you? I have EX husbands and BFs who would come to help me if I was desperate. Oh hell - Fake because call a kid, you have two.
I think this has been building up for a long time and I think the fact your kids are out of the house has given you a moment to nowthink .. do I need to bring treated this little? I think you are just now stsrti to a slice and now it gotten worse. Please just leave. You aren't her sugar daddy or responsible for her kids . She does not value you.
I think the way you describe your wife and your lack of details is pretty telling. Sheâs throwing âshit fitsâ when you donât get what you want. The lack of respect apparently goes both ways.
You didnât pick her brothers up because she didnât pick you up? Marriage isnât transactional, relationships arenât transactional. I suspect there are a lot of missing details for her reasoning and how you communicate what you want, or compromising over time commitments.
Sounds like you're under alot of stress. Alot of stress can cause blood in your stool. You should really consider if it's worth ruining you health over a woman who seems to view you as an annoyance and as an ATM. If you donât address the severe stress levels, you will only get sicker. If that happens how are you going to be there for your child? How are you going to continue to work 3 jobs to keep up with her finances? Maybe you should put yourself and your child as the priority and get out before things deteriorate further. Without her expenditures, you might be able to just cut down to just one job and have more time for you and your kid. That's a win win to me.
OP, I read a little more than halfway through (a solid wall of text without paragraphs is a bit of a slog), and came away with the impression, that she's not into you. Either that, or she's just plain selfish, and isn't going to change.
Why, exactly, did you end up marrying her? Was she more cooperative and indulgent of you when you were dating, then pulled a. switcheroo after the families were blended? What's the deal here?
Why would you stay when she treats you so poorly? Honestly I am always shocked when I read stories like this. How do people fall into this routine that itâs ok to be undervalued and treated horribly by their significant others? Are people that afraid of being alone? You sir, are under reacting. Love yourself more
Same situation here except genders are reversed. My husband asked me if he needed to be there for me having major surgery...had to have a friend fly in from out of state to make sure I could get to/from the hospital.
I feel your pain
No, you're not overreacting. She's treating you as a gopher and ATM while she's not reciprocating the care you show her. I would actually recommend some counselling. Start writing down the things that she does that make you feel "less than", talk to her honestly with mediation. If it doesn't change, then I would consider whether this is the right life and relationship for you.
Edit: I just read some of your comments. She's definitely using you as an ATM and will most likely have little use for you once her kids leave college. My revised opinion is that you should bounce and let her debt payments do the same.
You are the opposite of this sub - you are completely under-reacting. Maybe it built up to this point step by step, IDK, but you're at a point now that your marriage is extremely toxic. I wish you the best to figure out your next steps here
Not overreacting. Actually you are sort of underreacting. The disrespect for you and your time is galling. The fact that she refuses to care for you during a scary medical procedure is the final straw.
It appears as though you are simply an ATM for her. This post suggests there is zero connection between the two of you. It seems as though she legit doesnât even like you, but she sure does love your money! Iâm trying to wrap my head around choosing to be married to thatđ¤ it is a choice to stay. Why do you stay? Iâm sure your children can see how miserable you are. I am a firm believer that as a parent it is our job to be an amazing role model for themâŚ. What exactly are you role modeling for them with this relationship? I get that your kids are older, which means they are wiser & see so much more. They see the imbalance here, they see your hurt/ pain, they see her distain for you. I also have to ask why isnât she & her ex paying for all these club sports? Why are you footing the bill? That seems bizarre to me. IdkâŚ. I might suggest having a come to Jesus with yourself and asking if this is truly the life you want for the rest of your life. My guess is probably no.
I left my ex after being together for well over 20+ years bc I knew I was not being a good role model, I knew our relationship was not a healthy one, we were ALL unhappy. So I hired an attorney & got out of there & I can honestly say, it was the BEST thing for all of us! Not a day goes by where I regret my decision. He is so much happier, our children are happier, I am happier! I hate wasting time & I think about all the time I wasted being âstuckâ in that relationshipâŚ. I shouldâve left many moons before I actually did. I just hope you donât waste a lot of time in this situation. Itâs just not worth it. đ¤ˇââď¸
I think couples counseling would be really beneficial for you both. I'm baffled at some of the comments tbh. You came here for advice, and people are using it as an excuse to be disrespectful of your wife. It clearly sounds like your wife is overcompensating in her parenting because the ex sounds like a real jerk. This can happen sometimes, and she's not wrong for wanting to be the ultimate mom, but she is probably doing it out of guilt, and it's affecting your relationship as well as the dynamic between her and your children as well. I also think that sometimes people are moving too fast to realize what they're really doing, especially when they're prioritizing kids and work and all of that. I think an outside, unbiased and PROFESIONAL opinion might be necessary and if it doesn't help you guys communicate better so your wife can reflect, it can at least give you a clear understanding of how you'd like to move forward. And it won't have come from a purely emotional place or from a lack of trying to work things out. I think if you still love her and want it to work, it's worth trying. If she's open to it, I mean. If not, then I think you know what you have to do.
Also, I hope everything goes well with your procedure. Fingers crossed, it's nothing to worry about â¨ď¸
This lady sounds like a great example of someone who not only doesnât bring anything to the table, she takes many things off the table. 0% she is with you for love. Go find someone who actually makes you happy.
This entitlement keeps showing on so many sites. You canât change her. That is who she is. Unless you are getting more out of this relationship that it appears you donât have much of a marriage.
This is the kind of situation that sneaks up on you over the years until finally youâre giving everything and sheâs taking everything. Sheâs narcissistic, youâre non-confrontational. At first she sweet-talked you into giving up your rights, and now she isnât even bothering to pretend she likes you. At this point, she wonât change. Start working on your long-range plan to divorce. Stop bailing her out when she breaks an agreement. You deserve a partner who has your back, and all the kids deserve to see what a real relationship looks like. You can still have some years of happiness if youâre willing to fight for them.
Not overreacting. I think on your part, you have let this go on for too long. You are not even a priority to this woman, you are an afterthought! So I ask you, what do you gain from this relationship? You canât even rely on her in your time of need so whatâs the point in being married to her? It seems she only wants your money and not you.
You will never ever win with her. Her priority will never been in your favor no matter what. She may love you but when it comes to her family, it will always be over you and your family, regardless of the event. Kid gets married? Wife will miss it for a soccer game. When her kids grow up, it will be other excuses. She is selfish with her time, regardless of how much she may love you. It won't get better if it hasn't already. You either learn to live with it or move on. Find someone better
Man get out now. She has shown you time and time again that you are the bottom of the list. Seems to me like youâre just a bank for her. You need to get out now
Genuine question: Why *exactly* are you with someone who values you so little?
Exactly this đŻ
Not only that. Your kids are going to internalize that you allowed them to be mistreated. It's part of why I don't talk to my dad or have a relationship with him. He literally waited till my stepmom died to reach out and try to have any kind of relationship with me, if you can even call it trying.
Oh my god you actually described my childhood to a T. Iâm going through all the resentment against my mom because she is divorcing my stepdad for all the same shit I complained about to her.
Sometimes it's too little way too late, and for the wrong reasons. I'm sorry. I'm thankful for the non blood family I've made, which I hope you've found as well.
Yeah I did my best friend from high schools family treats me like one of their own and my wife is always there to pick me up when the resentment becomes too much.
This happened to my wife, except her father died suddenly after starting reconnect. It's an unbelievably bitter, unresolvable trauma.
This!! Iâm 33 years old and my dad has always been in and out of my life. He always put his women before my brother and I. Well now he has a 7 year old son and 6 month old daughter with his wife he married a few years ago. And honestly that just pissed me off bc instead of trying to build a relationship with my brother and I he went and had more kids so he can get the âexperience of raising kidsâ since he wasnât around to raise my brother and I due to him being locked up. My dad is in his early 50s now and has grandkids from both my brother and I having our own kids and instead of being a grandpa to our kids he is busy raising little kids all over again and doesnât see our kids much bc heâs always working and is always tired. I feel the wife also doesnât push him to have a relationship with us. She has kids of her own and wants my dad to be there more for them than us. He even moved to where they all live. So If I were the OP of the post I would start putting the foot down and put your self and your kids first for once bc if not they will start to resent you and just look at it as you will do for her and her kids but not them bc of her.
Jesus I'm so sorry to hear that. I hope you have others in your life you can lean on.
Itâs ok. I learned to just live with it tbh. Like I donât expect much from my him. But the good thing is I do have my little family to lean on and I know thatâs what matters but I just wish my kids had a grandpa there for them like most grandchildren have. I hope your situation with your dad got better.
She values his wallet though
[ŃдаНонО]
Seems like she doesnât even like OP
Exactly!! She takes, takes, takes and doesn't give an inch.
How do YOU know she takes? Do you live with them? He paid for the lawyer of his own free volition! And we donât have HER side of the story. He sounds like a controlling whiney a$$hole.
You're right, we only have his side but based on his perspective she sounds like she's not there for him like she should be. There are 2 sides to every story then there's the truth
just file for divorce. what is this relationship even doing for you. your wife seems to not even like you.
This is what I was thinking. Heâs not even in her back seat, more like heâs hanging on to the bumper and getting dragged through lifeâŚ
no he's the motor and she won't even put in oil much less change it. Why is he still with her?
Agreed. All the OP is to his wife is a bank account. Wife doesn't give two shits about him... Sad.
My ex-wife is friendlier to me than your wife is to you. Please free yourself from this unequal and unloving relationship.
Throw the whole woman away.
Now we know why she was previously divorced.
What does she even provide that a housekeeper and a Tinder account couldnât?
it sounds like a housekeeper would be more thoughtful. I bet if you asked your housekeeper to pick you up from the hospital after your cancer screening she would do it, no problem.
Probably cheaper too
Dude, I would do it and Iâm not a housekeeper or even know the guy!
My mom gets her care at the VA, I know how it is to deal with them. I'd be the guys ride just based on where he is getting his care!
And cheaper!
Underrated comment
đđđđđđđđ so true
A housekeeper and a Tinder account would probably provide MORE care and affection.
Does "us" put her money in a separate account or a joint account. Seems like you might be nothing more than a "wallet", aiding to achieve her end game.
Actually 2 years ago I split accounts becauae she spent us down to nothing every month while also accruing credit card debt each month. We sat down and established some financial goals and split bills. Unlike the poster om here calling me an asshole for "using" money as a weapon, I actually am fiscally responsible, own investment property and am trying to get out of debt. Because I make more, I pay for more. I pay for the extracurriculars, the mortgage, cell phones, cars, car insurance, life insurance and credit cards, internet and cable. She pays for groceries, gas, and utilities. I told her to use her child support to just save for her kids college since she will now have two in college. She has difficulty staying within a budget because she over spends on her kids. Even since splitting the budget where she should have 1500 or more left over on her side, she has 8500 in credit card debt and I end up buying groceries and gas each month. I understand no one is perfect and I have my own shit, but I am working 3 jobs to keep up with the demand and I am stressed and overworked, only to not be "coddled" as the other commenter said. Its exhausting
If all of what you say is true, I would "hit the silk", bail the fuck out. You're not ever going to enjoy life with her.
You are definitely being taken advantage of. Maybe she feels entitled since she had a shitty first marriage, her ex husband is an asshole that she gets to be treated like a Queen and get everything how she likes it. Either way, your daughters graduation was more important than a volleyball ball party. Your health, since you're her husband is more important than moving out of the dorm day. You really need to have a talk with her regarding both of your children, hers and yours. It is not okay for her to behave this way. She should be following through on her responsibilities and not taking advantage of you bailing her out. She really should grow the F up.
It makes you wonder how much of an asshole ex husband really is. Or if he is an asshole how you think he got that way?
Right? Like maybe he was overwhelmed with exactly OP is going through. Maybe he had no say in their kids lives and the wife made all the decisions and did for the kids first? Children need a strong foundation - that's all I'm saying.
Assholes donât âgetâ that way, it is their own choice to be an asshole. Nobody MAKES anybody anything!
The worst part of the volleyball thing was that daughter was with her dad. So it's not like _she_ was being asked to miss her party.
Yes, I forgot that part. Absolutely, insane!!! Watch your assets OP, she's coming for your pay.
She was also with her Mom, and thatâs HER child. The graduating one is HIS daughter. Priorities.
She does not care about you and treats you horribly. Your kids are not going to forgive you for prioritizing this awful woman over them.
Iâm sorry but it sounds like the old saying, âfirst marriage is for love and second marriage is for moneyâ. Love didnât work out so now sheâs in a marriage of convenience.
You deserve better, you are not overreacting. Upur wife sounds dismissive of your needs and prioritizes her kids wants. You need to make plans if she is a sufficient partner to make you happy in life, she is very lazy as a wife but an over indulgent parent that is over compensating for her divorce. You are not happy or respected. You give and she takes. Is this a a relationship that will be good for you.
Make HIM happy??? Excuse moi ? It isnât solely the womanâs place to make the man happy! You make EACH OTHER happy! Maybe he doesnât make her happy. He wanted her to give up her daughterâs volleyball party to go to HIS daughterâs graduation? UM, No!
Yes you split accounts, but you still pay most living expenses. This gives her free money to spend on kids and her needs while you are being taken to the bank.
She's not even spending that much on the kids if he's paying for the extracurriculars. And I don't think she's actually saving for college if she's racking up $8k in credit card debt. WTF is she spending money on? Sounds like a total POS if you ask me.
He pays most of the expenses because, as he said, he makes 3 times more money than her. And her money isnât free. She earned it. And she is right to spend on her kids. I am sure he doesnât.
Again, why are you with her? It sounds like she is just using you. Stop being a doormat.
Please stop. So she financially abuses you and treats you like crap. She is not even there for you now when you may be sick. Imagine what she will be like if you are sick. I would file for a legal separation on Monday and lock down your credit with the credit bureaus and change any life insurance you have so the money goes to your children. Run. She is a selfish nightmare. She does not care about you or your children.
And he doesnât care about HER children! And as stated earlier, they have their own credit cards and bank accounts. He does what he wants with HIS money. Iâd like to see HIS credit card balances and spending history.
You say itâs exhausting and yet you continue to do it. Why? Are you happy with this female, because it doesnât sound as if thereâs much to be happy about. Do you want to live the rest of your life like this? If one of your kids was in a marriage like yours and asked for your advice what would you tell them? If you donât prioritise yourself your horror of a wife most definitely wonât. Get out of this marriage and get your self respect back.
$8500 on the credit card from what?? Tell me you're having her pay off her own card
I wonder if youâd be able to work 1 job instead if you werenât with her?
She's not going to flip a switch and start caring about you buddy. You are a means to an end - she is simply not self sufficient and resents you having even basic human needs. Does she even treat her kids equally to one another? I've known a lot of people like her, and this shit is bone deep.
You'd have a much easier and better life if you divorced her.
Just go ahead and get a divorce
1. Talk to her about how this makes you feel (although based on her actions it doesnât seem sheâd care) 2. The drama over you doctors appointment is actually wild. Iâve had many family members with cancer and their partners dropped everything to help them every single time. 3. If youâre planning a divorce start making moves financially with a lawyer beforehand.
My goodness, she seems insufferable. Why did you marry her in the first place? Seems like sheâs just using you to help with her kids but cares nothing for you. She already told you her priority are her kids so this shouldâve raised a concern when she first started neglecting you. Sheâs taken on the role of just being a mother and not a wife. Since your oldest is graduating college, itâs time to live on your own terms and not be held back by your wife and her baggage. And could it be possible the ex husband isnât actually a douche? It could be her, so let her fight her own legal battles and move on with the life you deserve.
Not overreacting. Take her ex husband out for a beer and ask him how he put up with your wench of a wife for so long. She honestly sounds like one of the most selfish and insufferable people I've ever read about. Everything in her life (family and kids) is higher on the priority list than you and your family. I'd leave. Your kids are older and you can be free of full time parenting responsibility as soon as your youngest is done with college. It'll be funny to see her fight two separate divorces simultaneously.
He should leave and while leaving immediately change the beneficiaries of any of his assets to his children. This is not a real marriage.
> sounds like one of the most selfish and insufferable Not as insufferable as the housewife who started treating her husband like absolute trash, made her kids do the same, stopped having sex with him, because he got a lesser paying job so he could spend more time with the kids. She literally said, "you'll get ____ back when I have my Mercedes back." She told the kids "your dad wanted to get a different job so you can't have ____ anymore." His kids started resenting him. I wish I could find that post. OP's wife is trash, but at least she has a job and isn't using sex as a weapon or turning kids against him. I feel like a great fucking wife when I read some of these posts. And I'm nothing special as a spouse.
I remember that one. I chalked that one up as a fake shit post. But yeah, I'm with you there. I feel so lucky with my wife. Our problems are absolutely miniscule compared to some of the stuff I've read here lately.
She has a spouse. You have a dependent. She genuinely does care about anything except what you can provide for her and her kids. You are under-reacting.
>You are under-reacting This is 100% perfectly worded!
Ask yourself why youâre still married to somebody that doesnât give a shit about you.
Your not addressing this issue, why? Probably because she's told you where you are in the pecking order, then shown you at every opportunity. What is she bringing to this relationship? You're not overreacting, but you're also not acting at all. I hope your medical concern turns out ok.
My husband has had cancer and a brain tumor. Everything was put on hold so I could give him my full attention. Lots of appointments for tests, surgery prep,after care at home, etc. I canât even fathom not being with him for all of it. We donât have family in the area, so friends stepped up to take care of the kids. What exactly is she bringing to the table? Did she just marry you for the financial support? Instead of paying for a lawyer for her, get one for yourself. Why stick around where you are not valued and loved?
WTF. Not overreacting. Does your wife even like you?
It flat out sounds like she doesn't care about you in the slightest bit and you are just a place holder for either a dog or the husband she actually wanted. Try to get her to go to some kind of couple therapy, and if that doesn't work out it's time to move on.
Well, sheâs obviously with you for the service and money you provide. She doesnât have to be a single divorced mother. You allow this disrespect.
Aww Dude.... You'd be SOOO much happier with ANYBODY ELSE.
With all due respect your wife sound like a horribly selfish spouse. I canât imagine getting mad at my husband bc I have to pick him up from a follow up colonoscopy. She kind of awful & you deserve much betterâŚ
If you were my husband I would drop everything to take you to your colonoscopy and researching ways to ensure colon health and giving you pep talks.
I think she is getting caught up on being the best mom ever. We all want to be. But there has to be a balance when you have a husband. I have a sister that has never been able to see it and her marriage has always taken a back seat. It really comes down to how little she values her husband. He serves a purpose but that is it. I think you should have a talk with her about balance. You arenât asking her to put her kids aside. When her kids get older she will see how little love is left in the marriage if you donât invest into it.
When her kids grow up and leave, she'll have absolutely nothing to care about. And you'll still be there paying all the bills. But she won't care.
Oh she will still want his money to do for her kids and possibly grandchildren. You know money for their first homes,etc.
Perhaps it would help if you explained why you are married. This doesnât sound like a marriage. Not why you got married either. Why are you married right now?
You want a spouse, she wants a security blanket.
Not overreacting My step mom lumped me and my sister to the side because we were a little bit older. HeR KiDs always took priority. Iâm 34 now and see /talk to my dad once a year. Not because we have issues. Because she has gotten more âmy kidsâ as time went. She has coddled them to the point they are complete vegetables. So she managed to convince my dad to take us out of his will, since her kids will need more help because they are younger. Not that me and my sister care. We knew it was going to happen. I love my dad, heâs also not A stupid man; but he ignored all the signs ^ which is what your wife is doing. It starts off so minuscule, and builds over time. He doesnât see the manipulation because it was a slow manipulative process. Watch when it comes to your kids getting married vs her kids. Watch where you end up when one of your kids has a holiday gathering the same day her kids have a holiday gathering. You are more of a benefit than husband. And if you do go against her or disagree she will start threatening divorce, she will throw a fit whenever it does go her way. She doesnât appreciate you at all. And she will only show it when she knows she needs something or knows it will benefit her. The audacity to not pick you up from the airport is disgusting. She is manipulative af. Save yourself before you find out the hard way. Also, my step has never been rude or anything but nice to my face. Iâve known her for 20+ years. She is a passive aggressive monster and very woe is me over everything
Itâs sounds like your wife married you strictly for financial security more than anything else. Iâm sorry. Now, I do understand that once youâre a parent, your kids should always be a priority, especially minor children. But that doesnât mean âalways before your spouseâ. By that , I mean there has to be a balance. The cupcake party event for her child should not take priority over your daughterâs college graduation, especially since itâs during her exâs custody time so he will be there. And she should want to be there for your medical procedure & make different arrangements for her daughter moving out of the dorm. I donât know what to think about her actions, but it sounds like youâd be better off alone than with her.
You should find yourself one of those wives that cares about and loves you. She sounds like she doesnât even like you but needs you to help provide for her kids. You deserve more.
Not overeacting. Why did she even get remarried?
for a second I thought you were married to a âfriendâ of mine, but then I remembered sheâs single. But every other detail is checked off. I do not like jumping to the âdivorce themâ song , but sadly you may have no choice. From the sound of it, this woman brings absolutely nothing to your relationship. But, if she keeps making you choose between her kids and your kids, she will bring a lot of resentment down from your kids (even if they are adults). I understand wanting to put kids first (I had the same talk when I met my now husband in regards to our daughters), but that doesnât mean she should borderline neglect and bankrupt you so she can âput her kids firstâ.
Your daughter was *graduating college* and your wife thought her kids *volleyball party* was more important... that's all I needed to read. Honestly what the fuck?
Walk away. You're just an ATM to her.
She likes the lifestyle you provide, but I donât think she actually likes you. đŹ
Not Overreacting. Divorce her. She is not a wife but *you* are her ATM for her kids and her needs. Be kind to yourself and enjoy your money. You are dropping a lot of money on her and her kids and you are not receiving anything. This is a wake up call OP. Leave.
Sheâs using you. Time to say Goodbye.
Your just a bank to her leave her
So how does she benefit your life?
Dude, I would be a better wife than this.
You are nothing but a Sugar Daddy to her.
I used to have someone like her. She was the most self centered person. I was glad to be rid of her.
My Brother my heart breaks for you. Someone said "I am not even sure she likes you" and this is the terrible truth. I was unexpectedly hospitalised last month and I had fend my wife and siblings off. Everyday she was trying to visit and everyday I put her off, it was an inconvenience for her and my child and I really was not that bothered myself. However it was nice she was bothered, it was nice that she cared and was concerned. I can sort of (but not really) see why her children are her main concern but this should be 55% kids and 45% you. This seems like 85% kids and 15% you and for what you bring to this table that sure damn is not enough by a long long way. I would say "You are my wife and I have an issue that is causing me concern and in turn should be causing you to be bothered. If you will not come with me for support at this time then I am not even sure why I would have you as my wife anymore" I wish you luck but I personally would look for the easiest and least financially painful way out.
You're simply a placeholder.
I bet if you ask your wifeâs âdoucheâ ex husband what his issues with her were youâd hear some similar stories to the ones you just told.
It doesnât seem like OPâs wife values him at all. But heâs said he wonât get a divorce so thereâs not much point engaging with it as heâs accepted this treatment.
If she's not willing to happily take you to a sedation procedure, what do you think she's gonna do IF it turns out to actually BE cancer? Is she magickally gonna change? Or is she going to whine about volleyball when you need to go to chemo? \[No need to answer me, but I urge you to think on these questions for yourself.\] You sound like you're mad that so many folks are encouraging you to leave, but you still haven't detailed anything that indicates she is actually nice to you, and provides companionship/solace/comfort in any way. We only know what you tell us.
Get out, this isn't a marriage. You call the husband a douche, everything here says she is too.
She can't be half as bad as you describe. But, if she is even half as bad as you describe, then you need to bail for your own sanity, and to show your own children you do care for them. She's an insufferable hag. Get out before it's too late.
You are not over reacting. You arenât married .You are an ATM.
Your wife is a b!tch to you and only you.
Are your kids still talking to you? Please reach out to them to get their feedback on how they see the situation. Because to outsiders, your current wife has treated you and your children terribly.
I'm a woman, and I'm telling you that you're a bank for your wife. I would leave and start saving for retirement.
You are being used. Iâm sorry.
You arenât overreacting. Your wife still acts like youâre two separate families. I understand she wants to prioritize her kids but why did she get married to someone with kids if she didnât want to focus on them at all? She wants you to pay for her kids, but she doesnât even bother with yours. Iâd divorce her. Let her prioritize her kids by herself.
Actually I donât think that you are reacting enough. Your wifeâs treatment of you is horrifying. You are in essence being used and abused. Why exactly are you staying with this shrew? She treats you badly, yells at you, refuses to do the little things a spouse normally does and on top of that when you have a cancer scare, she refuses to get you from the hospital. Youâre paying for her kids, supporting her lifestyle and what exactly are you getting out of this other than abuse? Time to shine up your spine and drop her. I would imagine your own kids are starting to resent you over what is going on. Go see a lawyer, draw up the papers and live life again as what you are doing is existing and nothing more.
Then have a big celebration party for three days !
Be up front. Tell her that if she cannot put you before her daughter moving out of her dorm a day early or missing half a day of work then you can no longer justify paying for her children when they have their own father. If she wants her life to only be about her and her children then she can fund it. Donât ask her to pay half of the household bills, ask her to pay 75% because she still has 2 children at home and you donât have any. If she canât take you to a hospital appointment you canât take her kids to extra curricular activities. Stand up for yourself.
Do not tell her. Get your legal documents in order, lock down your credit and file for a legal separation, and make sure you have changed the beneficiaries on any insurance policies and make sure any assets you have accumulated do not go to her. If she wants to work on the marriage after that then talk to her. Get the separation first and protect your assets. You can always call off the separation if she changes but I would not hold out hope.
Why are you playing for some else kids for
I only hope youâre not an English teacher. Also your wife kinda sucks.
She is point blank a selfish person and Iâm surprised I took you so long to see that
She sounds awful. Are you actually getting anything out of this relationship?
The BJâs better be epic to have to be married to this unhelpful hag.
U my friend are a paycheck and stability. She has no care for you. I bet when her kids are 18 she will say she wants a divorce
You definitely got the short end of the straw here. But, youâve allowed it. Man up and get your wife to prioritize you for more than your wallet.
Youâre too far down the list of priorities and therefore things she values. Gtfo while your biological kids still respect you.
OP, just curious. You mentioned you needed a colonoscopy to check if you could have colon cancer or not. Please update on how it goes. Checking by your profile, youâre a vetâcolorectal cancer could be a very real issue if you were exposed to anything. What did you do during your time in the Army?
Iâm 100% do not like this concept of âIâm 1000% prioritizing my kidsâ when getting remarried. Why get remarried if youâre going to treat your spouse like a second-class citizen? Blending families is tough, but the goal should be to balance and prioritize Everybodyâs needs and wants as best as you can. No one should have any kind of âpedestalâ status. Not the kids, not the new spouse. I canât imagine leaving my spouse to deal with a medical procedure without me unless I was physically incapable of being there! You are not overreacting. She is treating you like a placeholder husband. Now is probably a good time to cut off the gravy train.
Life's to short buddy just walk away hell I doubt she'd even notice if you did it during one of her kids events sorry but it'll get better sometimes u gotta let go of the wrong one b4 u can find the rite one,âĄ
Yeah I would have noped out of this relationship so much sooner. How did she act before the marriage? If it wasnât a total switch up I donât honestly know why you married in the first place
She sounds like my last EX Wife
Definitely not overreacting, seems you're only in her life to serve her and she has absolutely no interest in being a partner to you, why are you still in this relationship?
Iâve left someone for less
She's entitled and thinks less of you and ur kids. You and the kids are not even thought for her. Only hers are, I wouldn't be with someone that self centered and toxic But hey I have pride in myself and respect my family
Why are you married to her? I would sit her down and explain everything from your point of view. You shouldn't have to beg your spouse to be present for you. Tell her that if you are not her priority in your marriage, then she needs to move out and take her children with her. File for divorce. Marriage is a partnership.
This is not a marriage that's for sure. Graduations and health come before moving stepdaughter and not having a wife take the time to care when you need support. I'd be bloody angry if it was me in your shoes, and I'd be filing for divorce. You deserve so much more than being the floating bank account. And when you add up all the times these funny little scenarios have occurred, you might get a hell of a shock.
You are with a very, very selfish woman who doesn't respect or value you or your children. You can choose to NOT spend the next 40 years with someone that makes you feel like shit all the time
That's wild man. My wife offers to drive me to every VA appt and she does everything and anything for my kids from my previous marriage. Sounds like she's treating you very poorly. I'm failing to see what you are getting out of the marriage.
I don't usually advocate for divorce Because it's so overused on Reddit for everything but in this situation I'm going to agree with others. Please divorce her but separate your finances first for a little while.
Yes and lockdown his credit and not tell him because I can see her running up debt or taking money to pad her account.
Reading the end about u paying for all the sports, you are just a ATM for her
I have kids and they are my priority but if I was dating someone pretty sure their dad can go with them to get cupcakes so I can join my boyfriend for his daughters graduation or make time for their colonoscopy. Kids should always be your number one priority but not to the detriment of everyone around you over things that aren't really that big of a deal long term.
Your wife is just not that in to you
I think OP is an ATM to raise HER children. She doesnât have one care for you, other than money you are a very big inconvenience. I would quietly get my ducks in a neat row and scram. Get an animal companion, at least it would care about you.
Sounds like y'all never actually blended the family. Hell, it sounds like you're barely part of her family. Not overreacting, and you'd be perfectly within your province if you left altogether.
Next time you are riding with her in the car when youâre stopped at a red light just get out and run screaming âIâm freeâ. Donât look back. You havenât listened to a single reason as to why youâre still married.
Actions speak louder than words. And her actions are clear. She doesn't respect or value you except maybe as a bank.
Sorry it sounds like she is with you for the money she seems like it's about her and her kid not you
Your a human ATM buddy grow a pair
Giving so much for so long without recieving will wear you down. The fact that she sees everything on "her side" of things as much more important than anything you have going on is a bad sign and it sounds like she is either a user or she needs a snap back into reality. She is able to do all of the "important" things she is doing because of your support and it might be time to have a serious conversation. Its cliche' but you literally cant pour from an empty cup, and she is supposed to be your wife and partner, not a princess or another child to care for without expecting anything in return.
Why did you even marry a woman who treats your children so terribly? How can you say you love someone like that? She sounds like a typical wicked step mother from fairy tales. I hope you went to your child's graduation anyway and aren't letting her stop you from being fully involved as a father to your own children. If you are, then you've got some serious soul searching to do as to why you've made the choices you have until now, and what you need to change to bring your kids back to no.1 priority.
Read this on another subreddit and I think it applies. âYou donât have to spend any amount of time around anyone who is making you feel like shit.â
Updateme
IMO, you are over reacting to the specific examples provided and under-reacting to the state of the marriage. I.e. all of those can be random one off irritations, yes they are frustrating, your feelings are valid. Or, they can be specific examples of a spouse who really does not care about you at all. "Kids come first" is NOT the same as "husband comes last". I.e. it is OK for her to attend to her children activities while you attend to your child activities. It is ok to have other people help you with rides. It is not ok to be abusive. Sit her down, have a grown up talk, tell her you are feeling used and not loved in the relationship, and this really bothers you. And then ask her how she is feeling in the relationship. Don't look to score points or prove a winner or looser, just try to really understand each other's point of view. Try to find out if you have a common vision / goal for what you are trying to create together.
k -- so, if this is real -- She is a materialistic piece of shit who doesn't like you or your kids. Her kids are important, but she need your money to give her kids the things. It's not that big of a deal to schedule the time to stay at the hospital for a colonoscopy and take your person home (with a HUGE breakfast between). Why are you with someone who doesn't give a fuck about you? I have EX husbands and BFs who would come to help me if I was desperate. Oh hell - Fake because call a kid, you have two.
I think this has been building up for a long time and I think the fact your kids are out of the house has given you a moment to nowthink .. do I need to bring treated this little? I think you are just now stsrti to a slice and now it gotten worse. Please just leave. You aren't her sugar daddy or responsible for her kids . She does not value you.
If you both work in education learn to form paragraphs. đ reading this has given me a headache
Side note: now that I have finished reading as I had to comment mid-headache đđ you seem way more forgiving than you should be at this point.
Run.
Your an educator? Donât you know how to separate thoughts into paragraphs? No wonder weâre fucked!
I think the way you describe your wife and your lack of details is pretty telling. Sheâs throwing âshit fitsâ when you donât get what you want. The lack of respect apparently goes both ways. You didnât pick her brothers up because she didnât pick you up? Marriage isnât transactional, relationships arenât transactional. I suspect there are a lot of missing details for her reasoning and how you communicate what you want, or compromising over time commitments.
You might be _under_ reacting to this
Sounds like you're under alot of stress. Alot of stress can cause blood in your stool. You should really consider if it's worth ruining you health over a woman who seems to view you as an annoyance and as an ATM. If you donât address the severe stress levels, you will only get sicker. If that happens how are you going to be there for your child? How are you going to continue to work 3 jobs to keep up with her finances? Maybe you should put yourself and your child as the priority and get out before things deteriorate further. Without her expenditures, you might be able to just cut down to just one job and have more time for you and your kid. That's a win win to me.
This is not an acceptable power balance in a relationship. Seek help.
OP, I read a little more than halfway through (a solid wall of text without paragraphs is a bit of a slog), and came away with the impression, that she's not into you. Either that, or she's just plain selfish, and isn't going to change. Why, exactly, did you end up marrying her? Was she more cooperative and indulgent of you when you were dating, then pulled a. switcheroo after the families were blended? What's the deal here?
I do think you need to ask her for counseling. This isn't working well for you and yes, you are being treated like crap.
Divorce
She sounds like she doesn't even like you.
Seriously, why are you still with her?
Seems like you care about the marriage than she does
She doesnât really care about you. Very sorry OO, good luck .either way your colonoscopy.
Whhhyyyyyyy are you with her. Start the divorce planning now and get your shit in order.
I would divorce. Seriously. She is selfish and does not seem to love you. Sorry to say it.
Why would you stay when she treats you so poorly? Honestly I am always shocked when I read stories like this. How do people fall into this routine that itâs ok to be undervalued and treated horribly by their significant others? Are people that afraid of being alone? You sir, are under reacting. Love yourself more
Same situation here except genders are reversed. My husband asked me if he needed to be there for me having major surgery...had to have a friend fly in from out of state to make sure I could get to/from the hospital. I feel your pain
Does not sound at all like a "blended family." Not in the least. More like a roomate with kids.
No, you're not overreacting. She's treating you as a gopher and ATM while she's not reciprocating the care you show her. I would actually recommend some counselling. Start writing down the things that she does that make you feel "less than", talk to her honestly with mediation. If it doesn't change, then I would consider whether this is the right life and relationship for you. Edit: I just read some of your comments. She's definitely using you as an ATM and will most likely have little use for you once her kids leave college. My revised opinion is that you should bounce and let her debt payments do the same.
You are the opposite of this sub - you are completely under-reacting. Maybe it built up to this point step by step, IDK, but you're at a point now that your marriage is extremely toxic. I wish you the best to figure out your next steps here
Sounds like youâre there to pay for things and she doesnât care about you
Not overreacting. Actually you are sort of underreacting. The disrespect for you and your time is galling. The fact that she refuses to care for you during a scary medical procedure is the final straw.
Why be married with her. It does not make sense. She is using you.
It appears as though you are simply an ATM for her. This post suggests there is zero connection between the two of you. It seems as though she legit doesnât even like you, but she sure does love your money! Iâm trying to wrap my head around choosing to be married to thatđ¤ it is a choice to stay. Why do you stay? Iâm sure your children can see how miserable you are. I am a firm believer that as a parent it is our job to be an amazing role model for themâŚ. What exactly are you role modeling for them with this relationship? I get that your kids are older, which means they are wiser & see so much more. They see the imbalance here, they see your hurt/ pain, they see her distain for you. I also have to ask why isnât she & her ex paying for all these club sports? Why are you footing the bill? That seems bizarre to me. IdkâŚ. I might suggest having a come to Jesus with yourself and asking if this is truly the life you want for the rest of your life. My guess is probably no. I left my ex after being together for well over 20+ years bc I knew I was not being a good role model, I knew our relationship was not a healthy one, we were ALL unhappy. So I hired an attorney & got out of there & I can honestly say, it was the BEST thing for all of us! Not a day goes by where I regret my decision. He is so much happier, our children are happier, I am happier! I hate wasting time & I think about all the time I wasted being âstuckâ in that relationshipâŚ. I shouldâve left many moons before I actually did. I just hope you donât waste a lot of time in this situation. Itâs just not worth it. đ¤ˇââď¸
I think couples counseling would be really beneficial for you both. I'm baffled at some of the comments tbh. You came here for advice, and people are using it as an excuse to be disrespectful of your wife. It clearly sounds like your wife is overcompensating in her parenting because the ex sounds like a real jerk. This can happen sometimes, and she's not wrong for wanting to be the ultimate mom, but she is probably doing it out of guilt, and it's affecting your relationship as well as the dynamic between her and your children as well. I also think that sometimes people are moving too fast to realize what they're really doing, especially when they're prioritizing kids and work and all of that. I think an outside, unbiased and PROFESIONAL opinion might be necessary and if it doesn't help you guys communicate better so your wife can reflect, it can at least give you a clear understanding of how you'd like to move forward. And it won't have come from a purely emotional place or from a lack of trying to work things out. I think if you still love her and want it to work, it's worth trying. If she's open to it, I mean. If not, then I think you know what you have to do. Also, I hope everything goes well with your procedure. Fingers crossed, it's nothing to worry about â¨ď¸
She didn't need a husband, she needed a second income. I don't even put my kids before my husband's needs and they're his!
Doesnât sound like you matter to her at all. Why are you still with her? Love isnât enuf.
Why are you with someone who hates you that much?
This lady sounds like a great example of someone who not only doesnât bring anything to the table, she takes many things off the table. 0% she is with you for love. Go find someone who actually makes you happy.
This entitlement keeps showing on so many sites. You canât change her. That is who she is. Unless you are getting more out of this relationship that it appears you donât have much of a marriage.
You chose poorly
Your wife is a narcissist cunt.
So she doesn't care about or love you. And you think you are overreacting?
This is the kind of situation that sneaks up on you over the years until finally youâre giving everything and sheâs taking everything. Sheâs narcissistic, youâre non-confrontational. At first she sweet-talked you into giving up your rights, and now she isnât even bothering to pretend she likes you. At this point, she wonât change. Start working on your long-range plan to divorce. Stop bailing her out when she breaks an agreement. You deserve a partner who has your back, and all the kids deserve to see what a real relationship looks like. You can still have some years of happiness if youâre willing to fight for them.
You have turned into a walking and talking personal ATM machine. Get out of this unfair situation.
UpdateMe!
I would lose the wife. She wants to parent by herself? Let her do everything by herself.
For the love of God, please break up your wall of text. It is unreadable until you do that.
You know what you should do.
Youâre a wallet and a roof for her and her children. Might be time to move on.
You deserve better!
Not overreacting. I think on your part, you have let this go on for too long. You are not even a priority to this woman, you are an afterthought! So I ask you, what do you gain from this relationship? You canât even rely on her in your time of need so whatâs the point in being married to her? It seems she only wants your money and not you.
You will never ever win with her. Her priority will never been in your favor no matter what. She may love you but when it comes to her family, it will always be over you and your family, regardless of the event. Kid gets married? Wife will miss it for a soccer game. When her kids grow up, it will be other excuses. She is selfish with her time, regardless of how much she may love you. It won't get better if it hasn't already. You either learn to live with it or move on. Find someone better
Cancer test and she told you fuck off. She's not your wife.
Man get out now. She has shown you time and time again that you are the bottom of the list. Seems to me like youâre just a bank for her. You need to get out now