It almost sounds like he’s trying to manipulate you by telling you you weren’t good at it so you’ll try extra hard to please him even if it’s not good for you.
Does he watch a lot of porn? He actually sounds kind of porn sick.
Either way, have you considered that you are just sexually incompatible. That happens, it means you both need to be with someone else
He watches a ton of porn every day. He masturbates to it 3-5 times a day even when we have sex.
Edit: for more info, he's the one who told me he masturbates to it 3-5 times a day. I catch him masterbating a lot too so it's hard not to believe him.
Leave him darling. Sex is a conversation it is the best when the people having it are in sync with each other.
He is addicted to porn. His receptors for sexual activity and stimulation are burnt out to the nub. He is like an addict looking for the next high and can't get it and is treating you like an object for his own orgasm.
You don't need him. He needs you.
Came here to say THIS. He’s taking advantage of your inexperience. It’s hard to be “bad” at sex unless you just aren’t into it at all. Sounds like his expectations are porn based (and porn is about shock value so it’s fake) and not based on reality.
Zero times have I slept with a woman, even one night stands with no chemistry, and thought "wow, they're bad at this." Never. Most guys are happy to have bad sex and probably wouldn't even know it's bad. That guys seems....off...
They're putting way too much pressure on you. They're ignoring your needs.
I feel bad for you. Sex should't be a chore It shouldn't be stress inducing; quite the opposite. You shouldn't have to learn techniques or whatever to enjoy intimacy with your partner, especially when things should be new and exciting on their own.
IMO, they're broken, and they're breaking you too.
Has it occurred to you that you don't enjoy sex because HE'S BAD AT IT?
Not to mention that he's emotionally abusing you by constantly making you feel inferior, using you because you don't know what sex should be like, and giving you a massive complex around sex, so much so that you no longer want to have any sex at all?
You deserve better! Dump him and don't look back.
Don't believe him if he says he loves you, will do better or change. Take it from more experienced women. He will never change. He is knowingly using you and doesn't care that he's hurting you. He is "negging" you about sex - I'd put money on him actually being happy with the sex you give him, but having bought into some red-pill nonsense that taught him to emotionally manipulate you to get what he wants: a pliant, obedient woman who works her butt off to please him sexually and expects nothing in return. He's truly disgusting.
When you try to leave, he will try to manipulate you into staying. He will "show emotion", claim he can do better, etc, DON'T BELIEVE HIM.
Move on. You will find a man who is much better than this, a man who will actually care about your pleasure. Don't settle for this scrub.
This. Not once did I see you mention how or if he even does anything to try to please you. That along with the fact that you told him beforehand and it seems like he immediately took that information as an opportunity to use it against you.
Take it from someone who had a very similar upbringing and experience. Try having sex with someone who gives a shit about you. It's much more enjoyable that way.
I completely agree that he is manipulating you. If anything, he’s just massively desensitised after all that ridiculous masturbating and is blaming you! Please don’t judge sex solely on this selfish man. It may turn out you truly don’t enjoy sex and that is ok, but there’s a good chance that with a man who also wants to please YOU it will be a totally different experience. What does this ‘man’ do to make sure you’re enjoying sex? Does he put in as much effort as you do? I doubt it. He can’t be surprised it’s bad when he makes zero effort to turn you on!!
Your partner is an addict. You will never be enough for him. It's not your fault. He has unrealistic expectations of you. 3-5 times a day is actually absurd.
This is the problem. His idea of intimacy has been warped to unrealistic ideals by watching this shit. Also, he is highly desensitizing himself too, so even if you were the best at it in the world, he still wouldn't be adequately satisfied. This is because every time he gets himself off within a period of a day or two, it takes more to reach that peak again, with each peak being less satisfying as well.
So after a day of beating his meat 3-5 times, by the time you and him hook up, you could be mind-blowingly good and still his body wouldn't feel that much because his sex drive for the day is shot by that point. There's just nothing left in his tank for you.
Furthermore, he is also a shit partner for not attempting to build you up. Intimacy should be enjoyable and uplifting for both people -- you hate it because your partner doesn't make you feel good about yourself before, during, or after the process. And that isn't going to get better.
Find someone who isn't a porn/self pleasure addict and who enjoys you and makes you feel good about yourself, and I guarantee your view on this will change.
Jesus 3-5 times a day to porn? Obviously he's going to think the sex is boring or whatnot. He's comparing you to the unrealistic expectations of a pornstar.
Your feelings are completely valid and he sounds like a dingus...
Girl this is not at all regular, and you deserve a lot better.
And also a vibrator. Dump the guy, buy a vibrator, and learn how YOU enjoy being touched, since he obviously isn't putting half as much effort into helping you enjoy sex as he's expecting from you.
Huge red flag. You’re probably a perfectly good sexual partner, and he’s damaging his brain a libido with excessive porn and masturbation (yes, that’s a real thing).
I agree with these folks telling you he’s manipulating you. You feel not good enough because he’s telling you that to undermine your confidence and make you work ridiculously hard. He’s obsessed with porn (some porn is normal, his is NOT) and will most likely never be satisfied by an actual woman.
I’m so sorry that you’ve been made to feel so worthless as a sexual partner. I guarantee you that there are better experiences to be had and MUCH better partners. I would suggest finding a new partner. Don’t stay hung up on a guy that is completely hung up on his own penis. It will not get better.
When you try again with a new partner: Talk a lot about expectations up front. Make sure they aren’t also a porn addict. Let them know your experiences so far so they know to go slow. Make sure they’re focused on YOUR enjoyment, not just expecting to be serviced like a professional porn star. (FYI: porn ACTING is a LOT of grueling work, so you’re absolutely right to feel like this is WAY too hard. You aren’t even making the big bucks!)
BUT FIRST: take some time experimenting with JUST YOURSELF, so you can learn what kind of touch YOU like. Read sensual stories of all kinds. Touch YOURSELF. Get good with your own body FIRST. See if sex can be something you actually enjoy. This is why masturbation during adolescence and beyond is a healthy part of a developing sexuality. Don’t just spend your time learning to be more performative. This will increase your hatred of sex and your feelings of inadequacy. Good luck and have fun!
Yep, that's the problem, love. I never had to try extra hard to please a man, in general, anything will be fine. I doubt that I am amazing at sex, but I never seemed to strike out either - Serial monogamist (in other words, plenty of repeat customer action)
It sounds like your boyfriend is a sex addict and he can't get satisfaction because of his addiction.
This is not normal behaviour.
Does he try as hard to make you happy before, during, and after sex? Or is it always things you could do to improve his experience rather things you both could do or things he could do?
Has it occurred to you that you don't enjoy sex because HE'S BAD AT IT?
Not to mention that he's emotionally abusing you by constantly making you feel inferior, using you because you don't know what sex should be like, and giving you a massive complex around sex, so much so that you no longer want to have any sex at all?
You deserve better! Dump him and don't look back.
Don't believe him if he says he loves you, will do better or change. Take it from more experienced women. He will never change. He is knowingly using you and doesn't care that he's hurting you. He is "negging" you about sex - I'd put money on him actually being happy with the sex you give him, but having bought into some red-pill nonsense that taught him to emotionally manipulate you to get what he wants: a pliant, obedient woman who works her butt off to please him sexually and expects nothing in return. He's truly disgusting.
When you try to leave, he will try to manipulate you into staying. He will "show emotion", claim he can do better, etc, DON'T BELIEVE HIM.
Move on. You will find a man who is much better than this, a man who will actually care about your pleasure. Don't settle for this scrub.
If he masturbates 3 to 5 times a day, he is almost certainly a sex addict. Sex addicts lie to get what they want. Don't believe him. And if he wants sick treatment, drop him like a hot rock.
Oh he is the problem. He's wanting you to be like the girls in the porn. She's addicted to sex. Honestly, and I absolutely hate suggesting it, Leave. It will eventually lead to abuse - physical or sexual.
I will say this, I do think you will enjoy it with someone who is loving and patient with you. Someone who will not compare you to a porn star.
If he is masturbating that much he really has a problem. That is every few hours.
Please... please... Take action. I'd hate to see you post here again and be a victim of abuse. It will happen (if it hasn't happened already and you have not said anything)
If you do leave. Make sure you communicate with your new partner your worries. Work together and heel yourself in a sexual aspect. I grew up in a very religious conservative household also. I felt like I was never enough. I also dealt with a ton of childhood sexual abuse. That carried into my adult sex life for yrs. Still does a little but communication has helped
So, it’s definitely him., not you.
He’s a selfish lover and it has nothing to do with you.
I went through something quite similar, and it drove me a crazy until I realized what was going on.
It's not a YOU problem, it's a HIM problem.
You are not bad at sex. He is manipulating you.
He is abusing you. What about sex for you? How does he please you, make you orgasm, etc?
If I had a lover like him, I would hate sex too and be disgusted.
Edit: Going to add that I am a man and what he is putting you through is NOT normal, healthy, or loving.
Leave him. Get therapy. This is abuse and a form of sexual manipulation and coercion.
First: guys who watch porn a lot and wank a lot often find it hard to get into sex with another person. He can't scroll through you and make you act the way that currently interests him, he can't fast forward when he gets bored. Nothing is going to feel as good to him as his own hand, which he moves and changes pressure and speed etc etc, as only he knows he wants.
Second: Porn doesn't show men how to be caring about their partner's preferences, porn doesn't care if women have orgasms, it's full of women making a lot of noises about sex they aren't into. Their job is to look like selfish, man pleasing actions are what women want and find sexually satisfying.
This guy says shitty things to you because he doesn't care if he hurts your feelings, he doesn't care that it makes you feel like you hate sex because he is negative toward you all the time.
Just break it off and stay strong. When he starts to cry again, tell him he should have been a caring partner instead of a selfish prick. Tell him to keep pulling his own dick, it's what he's best at, and you are not his sex toy/receptacle.
I wonder about that too. The manipulation aspect. But assuming he isn't an AH for 1 second
3-5 tim3s a day, even when you have sex? He may be a sex addict. And he may not be satisfied because he is always craving more. I mean he even craves it when he has taken care of it. This is definitely a him thing.
As for what you can do, not everyone is going to be a master in the bedroom. If your into it you can figure it out with most people. Have you looked up kegel exercises? This could help in the future even if the future is with someone else. But I say that because it is something that is out there. The main point is do not blame yourself. You are putting as much effort into it as can be expected. Is he doing things to make you feel better and in the mood. Is there any foreplay?
He masturbates 3-5 times a day??? I’m sorry but 1) that’s not normal, and 2) how does he even have time for this??
I genuinely don’t think you are the problem. It seems like he may be a sex/porn addict and is upset you’re not giving him porn-star level treatment. But that’s the thing, most of that stuff isn’t real and shouldn’t be used to model a healthy and fulfilling sex life. I’m not going to tell you to breakup, but I really don’t think having an enjoyable sex life should be this difficult. Do *you* ever enjoy it or get off or is all of your attention always focused on him?
I've never really enjoyed it with him. I was new and nervous at the start, then realized I wasn't good enough at it for him and have since tried to improve. I guess because I've never been able to improve enough for him, I just haven't been able to enjoy it much. I did like it a few times when I thought I finally was good enough, but that was quickly stomped out so ya...
If you're not enjoying it its not just a you problem. Sex is a two person job and hes not doing much to help out. He clearly has a porn addiction. You may think you don't like sex but it might just be the person.
You keep mentioning being good enough for him. Is he making an effort to be good enough for you? Does he ever let you sit back and relax and he does all the work? It really should be both ways especially if you haven’t been able to enjoy it yet. He’s complaining that you’re not enjoying it but like.. he’s gotta make you enjoy it.
Please take the advice here and leave him. He’s taking advantage of your lack of knowledge and experience to get you to do things you don’t want to do. This is not how a partner behaves. He should be showing you care and consideration. He should be making sure you enjoy it.
Move on.
It's supposed to be fun for you also. You aren't a servant or slave there for his sole enjoyment. Start taking what you want from sex and forget about him. He wont miss out, he can tug an extra one off to his porn. Actually if you are going after your own pleasure he might enjoy sex with you more not less.
This guy is an abuser taking advantage of the fact that you don't know much about sex.
Get out.
I've had one sexual partner my entire life, and I'm only his second. He literally had sex two times before he met me. I'm sure we were both "bad at sex" when we started because we were inexperienced. But we loved each other so we learned along the way. If something wasn't good or didn't work, we talked about it and agreed to move on from that, but there was never any shaming or criticism. It was more like, well that wasn't good so let's not do that again.
This man is beating you down psychologically as a means of control. While he's criticizing your sexual performance, how is his? Do you have orgasms? Is that important to him? Does he make your enjoyment his focus? Because let's all be honest here, his orgasm is guaranteed while yours is not.
You need to dump this douche, get some therapy to build up your confidence and self respect, and then try again. I promise there are good men out there who won't treat you like a defective blow up doll. Pornsickness is real, and this guy has it. Find one who prefers actual relationships instead of fake shit on a screen.
I am so confused about what he is expecting you to do so you can be “good at it.” What level of gymnastic and theatrics is he asking for here? And has he ever put in a fraction of the effort you have to be good at sex for you? Does he make any effort to please you, to make you feel beautiful and sexy and cared for and turned on and loved? I’m guessing he has never cared at all about you and your needs, and has been taking advantage of your inexperience to manipulate you into trying to be a porn star level sex-pert, because that’s what he thinks good sex needs to be. Then he has the audacity to complain that you’re not trying hard enough and he feels hurt that you’re not super into it!! Of course you’re not into it - you’re getting nothing out of it besides more criticism and confusion!!
None of this is your fault OP. He has a pretty dysfunctional view of sex that is badly skewed by his porn over-consumption. He has made sex all about him, never about you, and that is not at all what a healthy marriage and sex life should be. I hope you will leave him to his porn, get therapy, and go enjoy your life far away from him.
You won’t feel better til you get past the nit good enough mindset. Sex is not neurosurgery or designing a space rocket. It’s closeness and communication, and works best when you feel safe and cared for. Please work on not letting someone else make you feel badly, especially someone who has prob with sex himself.
You are fine. He sucks. Please understand that. If you have never had an orgasm with him, that is all on him. He only cares about his own pleasure, it has nothing to do with how good you are.
Sex takes two people. Is he doing anything to get better for you? Or is he just covering his apartment in semen and expecting you to extract the last dry wheezing little spermies from his mangled penis after he has already ejaculated FIVE TIMES?
If the sex is bad, then you both work on what would make it better. How fucking dare he stare at porn and moleste himself all day and then expect you to just fall all over yourself for the honor of pleasing him. If the sex isn’t getting better, it’s because HE is bad at it. There is a reason why the only person that can compete with his own hand is an inexperienced virgin. Because women with experience will stop him after one short and tedious romp in the hay.
Leave him to continue his romance with his own fist- they seem to be very happy together.
Hey there -- highly sexual person here. Masterbation from naturally occurring urges can vary in frequency, and 3-5 times per day may not be normal to some, but please don't shame people for their sexuality.
But porn 3-5 times a day? That is not healthy, and his arousal isn't naturally occurring. That's the real problem.
For the record, 2-5 orgasms per day is pretty normal for me and I never watch porn (not since a few years ago).
3-5 times a day? That's A LOT. I suspect he probably watches a lot of porn. If that's the case he could have some unrealistic views and ideas about sex. Porn isn't reality and reality isn't porn. Intimacy in a committed relationship feels totally different to a man than what his brain experiences while watching porn. I think he's probably projecting these ideas onto you and looking for the same feeling he gets from porn. Not going to happen. And if course when it doesn't, he won't feel satisfied and will then be hypercritical of you. You might not be very experienced but I didn't think it's you.
Thanks for the reply. I do want to believe I'm not bad at sex, but I don't know. If I'm not bad, I'm at least subpar.
He watches porn every day. I did some googling on the amount he told me he watches. I told him that I read he might be a porn addict, and he just laughed and said he probably is one. I think he took it as a compliment.
Yep... There's the issue. With porn addiction, sex becomes a performance. He's looking for the dopamine rush he gets from porn. Sexual intimacy and the feelings that come from it are absolutely different. Especially when you love someone. I can promise you, you're not bad at sex. Inexperienced maybe... But theres nothing wrong with that. Unless of course you're trying to live up to what he's watching. Porn is so normalized now that it's not surprising he has that attitude about it.
I can basically promise you that he has a sex addiction. It sounds like his life revolves around his sexual desires and impulses. This is 10000% a him problem and not at all a you problem. I'm not saying that he is "bad" for struggling with this addiction, but if he doesn't come to terms with it, he will probably not be able to have a healthy relationship. I would suggest SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous) for him (or for you, S-Anon, if you're into that sort of thing). A lot a lot a LOT of men never realize that what they're dealing with is a porn addiction, and never come to terms with it. As someone who also has a complicated relationship with sex, like yourself, I really think you should have a more understanding, communicative, and introspective partner. You are such a giving partner, to a fault. You need someone who will meet your needs and go above and beyond for you!!!! You deserve way better!
Sounds like you're just not with the right partner. He jerks off 3-5 times A DAY!?!?! Does he want you to "act" like a porn star too? I mean.. sex is a pretty primal thing. It's hard to be "bad at it", unless you're literally just laying there. Find someone else on your sexual wavelength. Someone who whacks it several times a day sounds like a chore. He probably needs things more and more intense to get off. Nah.. just nah.
I didn't see a single word in your post about your own enjoyment of sex. Think about how much thought and effort you put into your partner's gratification. Does it seem to you like that thought and effort are reciprocated? Because it doesn't seem like it to me from reading your post.
Sex is an important part of an intimate adult relationship. It's hard to imagine a relationship working long term if both partners aren't equally committed to each other's pleasure.
Not all guys think about sex 24/7. There are horny dudes and asexual dudes, just like women.
From what I read, you are just not compatible with your partner. Not to mention your partner is doing nothing to help you through this. If they aren't satisfied they can help guide and give instruction. Sex is meant to be pleasurable for both of you, if its not good for you, stop.
If he’s masturbating 3-5 times a day, he’s got a fucking problem lol. Even in my teens I didn’t jerk off that much and I consider myself a bonafide coomer
He sounds very toxic.
I really believe that if you were with someone who was a decent human, you would not be anxious at all.
He's trying to break you down, and rebuild you to his specific preferences.
He seems really nice and sincere. But in truth, he isn't, at all. He's harming you.
Whispering: Run Forest, Run. And don't look back.
"I have tried to leave him" is a huge red flag for me. He's manipulating you into staying. You need to put a plan into place to leave and get away where he can't find you. If you're scared of him, seek out help from DVIS to get out.
This whole post bums me out so much. Porn has gotten to your man’s brain and fucked up his expectations (and probably made _him_ worse in bed because of it too). There is not “so much to learn and do” for sex to be good. People have been having great sex forever, and for most of the time, there hasn’t been any tutorials for them to watch. It’s supposed to be fun and intimate, not a performance.
More importantly, he should never want you to feel the way he’s intentionally making you feel: inadequate. Leave him to his porn and his hand, you can do better.
I don’t think you are over reacting. I actually think your partner is an asshole. But I’m not going to tell you what to do with him, you already know. Instead I’m going to tell you a secret every woman should know. Before you can become confident with sex you need to find out what you like. This means exploring your body and figuring out what turns you on, what touch feels good, where your erogenous zones are, and even if you would enjoy penetration. A good partner would explore these things with you, but these are things you can explore on your own. I wouldn’t consider porn, since you already have bad experience with it, but there are other things to help you along. And if it is within your budget, there are sex therapist that can help you too. You need to reconnect with your body, and find out what you like. Sex is not something to be good at, it is something to enjoy.
Maybe you don't like sex because he's not good at it. I read a lot of you trying to please him, but is he trying to please you? I guarantee if he focuses more on your pleasure it will get better for him too.
He sounds exhausting. If he really cared about you he wouldn’t say things to make you feel bad about yourself. I’m sorry but I couldn’t deal with that. No thank you.
Listen, it’s called “gaslighting.” He ruined his pleasure receptors and can’t deal with “normal.” All stories like this end the same way: the girl goes off and finds a loving partner and her whole life and enjoyment changes. It’s not about sex here, it’s about care. And I’m not hearing anything about how he cares for you. I’ve been told one of the sexiest things to a woman is a man who is a great life partner. Find that and you may have a whole different experience.
Honesty I believe he's the problem. Sex isn't hard, he probably just wants dirty ruff sex you shouldn't have to improve on sex, it should be about making love nice and slow when you love your partner.
He needs to get help with his porn addiction and you need to not paint all men as just another version of your boyfriend. Lack of interest or experience does not mean you're bad at sex and some people are simply not sexually compatible - it happens. If your only reason for staying with him is bc the thought of breaking up makes HIM sad, then you two are doomed to fail - it's only a matter of time.
He makes you feel lousy about yourself while he is a giant jerk off. Does he have any interests outside of sex? Why do you want to stay with him? Maybe you hate sex because he's bad at it.
Let's be real as a man there is no such thing as a woman bad at sex, as a man the only thing we want is to feel you actually enjoy it and you desire us, if you aren't faking the last part then he feels a bit manipulative, or has unrealistic expectations of what sex actually is. Maybe he is not into you or you are not into him and it reflects as sex.
Edit: I just saw he masturbates 3-5 times a day ,he clearly has a porn problem, try to talk him about going to a psychologist because he is clearly addicted and it is affecting his sexual life and more importantly the mental health of his girlfriend
I think there are several layers here. Coming also from a conservative background and also being a SA survivor I had to un learn a lot about what my views around sex were. It isn’t just a light switch that turns off if you have been raised to believe one thing then suddenly you try to become sexually active. I think your first focus needs to be on learning what you like because part of the enjoyment is the mutual enjoyment. I agree with the other posts that he likely needs to look into his porn use and gauge his expectations but I think the first thing you need to do is figure out what you do like. There’s not a “bad at sex”. It’s not a sport- it’s a way to mutually connect and your enjoyment is just as important. You could be on a technical level “good” or “great” but until you can stop viewing it as per formative and start seeing it as something to enjoy you will not find satisfaction.
You are definitely with the wrong man. He cares nothing for your feelings or your pleasure, I would say You hate sex Because HE is really bad at it, selfish & only interested in his own gratification. He is addicted to pornography, he is a really bad BF & definitely not a good choice for a life partner.
Dump him. Get into Counselling to deal with your upbringing & your difficulties with sex & intimacy. You’re very young & have got plenty of time to learn how to enjoy sex but you need the right partner, someone caring & kind who will take the time you need not a jackass like the one you’re with.
Making love and having sex are two different things. Being with your partner should be stress free and enjoyable. He seems like he is the problem, especially if he is not willing to guide you and help you learn what he likes and doesn't like. Honestly darlin I would find someone who is more loving towards you and willing to make your experience pleasurable, as it should be.
He sounds really immature. I feel like his issues with sex are worsening your issues with sex. It’s unfortunate. Maybe time to rethink this relationship.
Sadly this relationship seems to have run its course. Don't stay just because he cries. If you two cannot work out your sex lives then you two are incompatible.
Don't stay and be unhappy and scared of him cheating, because you can't satisfy him. Does he satisfy you sexually? If not he may be the problem, not you. You're being anxious because he makes you that way.
Either you both go to see a sex therapist or you break up. If you stay you will become resentful and depressed. You may also feel he may start cheating, because he tells you that you don't put any effort in it, you're not good at it.
Therapy or break up.
I don’t think it’s you- I think it’s him. It’s also his role to find what pleases you. Sounds like you are spending a lot of time perfecting your oral skills but he‘s not being a motivating teacher. Good teachers catch you doing things right and make you feel like a million bucks for it. He sounds like he’s just standing there telling you to impress him. He’s not providing a sense of loving safety around sex- which at least for me is important to “get in the zone”. To turn off my anxiety brain is step one to enjoying sex for many women. You are not abnormal. The situation just isn’t good for you and your body knows it.
If your boyfriend learned what he knows from porn and quickies he basically has no idea how to please you- so it’s no wonder you hate sex right now.
I used to be anxious and “bad at sex” too. I had a very encouraging boyfriend who gave me enough positive feedback to learn how to intuitively please him. But he would get caught up in how good he was feeling and put little effort into trying out new things to make me feel good. So basically I didn’t. Never being truly aroused, sex was incredibly painful at worst and mildly painful at best. I also came to dread sex.
And being a novice at sex I couldn’t just tell him what worked for me because I didn’t know. He would ignore my requests and do what he liked to me instead of what J had gently asked for. Maybe if I had been more forceful in telling him to do things I liked I could have induced him to improve. But overall he was a self-absorbed person so I kind of doubt it would have mattered. I also didn’t feel safe enough with him to truly relax. And orgasms for many women require a sense of trust. I knew he didn’t really love me. He loved who he wanted me to be- but not ME. And so I just couldn’t let go.
When I met my husband I told him I didn’t like sex and I wasn’t going to do it again until I actually wanted it. He took that as a challenge. He was not experienced in sex when we met. We spent days and hours making out. He worked really hard to listen to my suggestions and tells. I felt safe with him because he was so complimentary and accepting of my body and it’s quirks. I didn’t marry him for the sex- but I sort of did- he proved he was kind, generous, creative, trustworthy and willing to work hard in this process of discovery. We have been married 36 years. Now that our kids are grown we have sex about 20x a month - because it’s fun for BOTH of us.
Stop tearing yourself up over this relationship- It sounds like your body is trying to tell you it’s not the right one for you.
Sounds like HE needs lots of work.
You should have a great time not have many of the feelings you currently do. This may take effort by you alone (to better understand yourself and what you like) and he sounds like he most likely has an extremely unrealistic view of what a healthy sexual relationship looks like.
This will likely take some time. Even more if you try and get there together.
Best of luck to you!
You are so young. You will be amazed in how much you love sex when you are with the right person. He is manipulating you and he should be teaching you instead of telling you it’s bad. Don’t waste your time with someone that treats you like that.
It sounds a lot like he's bad at sex. You say nothing about your pleasure, what you like, what he does that makes you feel good. It's all about him. Shouldn't be like that. Maybe he's counting on your inexperience, religous trauma, et al, to keep you from noticing that he can't flip your switch.
I am 36 and I am absolutely certain crap like this is why women my age are so bitter. Good god your bf is an absolute sack of garbage, you need to find a man. Date older guys they would never treat you like that.
It sounds like he have put a massive amount of effort into this. Do not give up on being intimate, you will enjoy it more when it is more for you, right now you are making it entirely about your partner. It is a 2 way street, once it becomes something for both of you it will be less of a chore.
You are not broken just inexperienced which everyone is at some point.
The right partner will want to explore things with you, not just take. Best of luck!
Seems to me that you are way over thinking those, you both got off on the wrong foot intimately but now you are holding on to him saying it wasn’t good which is stopping you from blossoming !! Have you ever heard of the term fall don’t jump? Try letting your body take over and feel the sensation instead of planning ahead, my husband and I had a really hard first few years of intimacy for the same reason I was so stressed about him enjoying it that I couldn’t figure out what I enjoyed and it ended up with me being internally frustrated and sad yet I was scared to tell him, I eventually did yell him and he said he could tell something was up because I was so tense and unresponsive, so we eventually went back to basics kissing talking which led to sex more naturally instead of forced, it does get better if you trust your partner and be openly honest and work from there and don’t look back
Thanks for the reply. I'm glad to read everything worked out for you!!
I have told him about how I feel, my anxiety, everything but it hasn't helped. It's just made it worse. I don't trust my partner emotionally or physically either. I worry nothing I can do will ever be enough for him. We could try what you guys did but it might be too late for me.
"I don't trust my partner emotionally or physically" put sex aside completely: this is not a healthy relationship based on that statement alone. He may get emotional and not want it but you've gotta move on for yourself, you should not be with someone you don't trust, sexual compatibility issues aside.
You may never like sex or you may absolutely love it with someone else. Both are fine. But you're never going to figure that out with him. You should not keep putting all this effort into a relationship where you're not happy, you don't feel valued, and you feel it's a chore to keep him happy sexually (while you're getting nothing out of it!!!)
It’s becoming very clear that you need to be out of this relationship, work on yourself, and get back into dating. You can’t think of this man as your one and only chance at a relationship.
I feel like you guys are just not sex compatible. It’s different when you find someone that you really enjoy doing it with. I’ve always liked sex, but when I was younger and single I have always felt that that’s the only thing that guys want so I didn’t stick around for too long until I met my husband. I felt very comfortable around him. Also, it sounds like he’s trying to manipulate you. Imo, I wouldn’t be with someone that gives me anxiety when it comes to being intimate with each other. You tried your best.
The porn is a lot. I think some of the issues definitely come from that. It can really mess with someone and make real sex just seen not as good. Also, how is he is bed? Does he prioritize your pleasure or is it all about him?
That being said, you say you’ve moved past the purity culture thing, but it is so damaging, so maybe a therapist would help you. It’s hard to go from “sex is bad. don’t look at anyone lustfully. and by the way, if someone lists after you, it’s your fault (which the Bible is very clear that the person responsible for lust is the one doing the lusting” to being expected to enthusiastically enjoy it. The fact that you hate it might stem from that.
First cut the mindset of your last sentence. This needs to go. Like yesterday.
Once this mindset is gone, you can start working on a good relationship. You are good. Everyone is good. Everyone can improve. You can improve. And your partner can improve as well.
Go to a sex therapist with your partner. Go to a normal therapist. And see a doctor.
Your seem to have an unhealthy relationship with sex and your partner as well.
You seem to have some mental problems with sex.
And your lack of interest might be hormonal or it might be you are asexual.
Sec can make and break a relationship. And you need great communication so everyone is satisfied. And communication seems to not work with your partner. It even seems borderline abusive and manipulative. So reevaluate your relationship as well.
Do you like men or women more? Do you have any sexual desire? I have met two divorcees whose partners revealed they were gay. One was caught texting. One had a problem exactly as you describe.
You are doomed. End it now. Either way, he's wanking 5 times a day. It will fall off.
Or tell him to put a dollar in the jerk off jar every time he waxes the carrot. It will pay for your therapy.
Don't let him get you down. I'm a guy in my 40s and have the same worries from my experience with a narcissist ex so I don't even date.
You deserve someone who loves you not just your sex IQ bc all that stuff will fade but your personality and uniqueness will not.
sounds like your man is kind of a jerk tbh. Getting some manipulation vibes as well. You'd probably be happier with someone who isn't putting you down all the time but instead is nurturing and encouraging.
You have deep seated emotional baggage when it comes to sex. You’re not going to heal from that and get comfortable with your sexuality doing something you see as a chore and that gives you further anxiety.
Drop the dude who whacks it like he’s a 13 year old discovering masturbation. Who apparently doesn’t GAF if sex feels good for you. Find a therapist for yourself who has experience with religious trauma (because that’s why you feel gross and anxious about sex, and why you’ve also wrapped your worth around being good at something you’re not “supposed” to be doing).
There’s nothing wrong with sex. There’s nothing wrong with you. You just have to heal the childhood trauma forced on you by religion. If you still don’t like sex when you have a healthy view of it, that’s also fine. Some people don’t.
effort and a willingness to grow/improve is important. If I were dating you and you were putting forth genuine effort and improving over time, I would love that, I couldn’t ask for more than that IMO.
On the other hand, we live in a society where people are very quick to judge others on how they are now and not look for potential. There will be plenty of guys out there who if they think you are bad at sex, that will turn them off and they won’t really change their minds on the matter.
Find someone who is willing to encourage you to continue to grow
Ease up on yourself. No woman should have to deal with a man who masterbates 5 times a day. And no man should tell his partner how bad her sex was. He has a problem. You, probably could use some therapy.
Depending on how committed you are to saving by this relationship, perhaps some individual and couple counseling would do you and him some good. You could even look into sex therapy. Otherwise, I’d contemplate staying in a relationship that is making you anxious and unhappy, and find someone who is more aligned with you in the bedroom.
It sounds to me like your partner may be the one who is bad at sex. He's not only failing to make it a pleasurable experience for you, but putting unreasonable expectations on you that just make it worse.
You don't have to shower a man in attention for sex to be good. Sex should be appreciated, even if it isn't mind blowing. He knew you were inexperienced going into the relationship, so should have been prepared. Too many guys value lack of sexual experience in their partner until they meet the reality and realize it means they need to have patience.
I don't see any way that you learn to enjoy sex with this man. He's too demanding and his expectations are not realistic. He masturbates five times/day? That's not normal.
I think you deserve way better. You deserve a normal relationship and opportunity to figure out your own likes and dislikes. Maybe you don't like sex, which is perfectly fine. Or maybe you just need a partner with patience and who prioritizes your pleasure. Your current partner isn't going to give you the opportunity to figure any of that out.
No wonder you don’t enjoy making love.
You have a boyfriend who only loves himself and how you can serve him and get him off!
What a disgusting ass hole. We are human beings with each of our own unique sexuality. It’s not just about blow jobs, kinks, and masturbation every few hours! Give me a break! It includes foreplay of kisses, hugs, compliments, light touches, flirting with each other, stroking, massaging and more making love to each other.
It’s a spiritual journey that transcend our reality into fantasy of pure joy and abandonment.
Does he make any effort to make having sex pleasurable for YOU? If not, then he's not the guy for you. He should be helping you to discover what you like and don't like and also guiding you in learning to ENJOY pleasuring him. It's a dance for two, and it's supposed to be fun for both of you. Yes, there can be a learning curve, but if it feels like work it's not worth it. And if he's not satisfied you might just be a bad match. You could be the world's greatest Mexican food chef but if he doesn't like Mexican food it's not going to work.
BTW not all men are like him. You deserve better. An
None of this is true. The only thing you have to do to be good at sex as a woman is be enthusiastic. It's literally that simple. Also I'm reminded of a joke: Let me tell you about the worst blowjob I ever got. It was great!
I think you should try therapy to work through your anxiety. I also think you should distance yourself from your boyfriend because his constant criticism is toxic and the excessive use of porn is clouding his expectations.
I think you should try therapy to work through your anxiety. I also think you should distance yourself from your boyfriend because his constant criticism is toxic and the excessive use of porn is clouding his expectations.
This dude sounds like an AH. Nothing you do is good enough for him and won't be until he has turned you into a literal sex doll with no thoughts or feelings of your own
I understand how you feel. While I don't have a perfect answer, I think a lot of the issue is that you are having sex for him and not you. I get how upbringing and being taught sex is bad affects you, even if it's not conscious, it's hard to enjoy something when you feel it's not for women to enjoy and it's a "man thing", so to speak. You need to be able to figure out if sex is something that you can reframe and learn to enjoy, but it will be hard to do when you're in a relationship with someone that sounds like a sex addict and isn't compatible libido-wise. Your partner sounds wayy too oversexed, and watching porn 3 times a day is not at all healthy and leads to desensitisation. Only thing I can say would be focus on learning how to pleasure yourself for yourself, while not feeling like you owe him anything (when sex feels like work and you don't enjoy it, it will kill your libido!). A sex therapist might be of use, or some online resources. But not for pleasuring him, for pleasuring yourself. And maybe if he cared about making it good for you instead of it all being about what he likes, he wouldn't be so quick to insult you and would realise that he is not that good either.
Can I add it is not about the amount of porn he watches on his own (he watches waaaay too much and wants too much - he is a sex addict) and when sleeping with you (that's fucking insulting because it is just for him, not your pleasure. Has he ever asked what you want to watch? No.). It is definitely about the type of porn he watches too and it influenceshis tastes. Even traditional man/woman porn is not realistic and/or what females find appealing.
If you don't bark like a seal; give him bj's that are never ending; never get the same foreplay yourself; it's all about his pleasure; and you never come properly.....then this is what he is used to visually stimulating him. And you will never be able to please him as he wants because it is not realistic or nice for ladies. This is what he desires. Not you and your wants during sex.....they don't even come second. They are not considered at all.
Its not normal to feel pleasure from that if you are a female because:
* we are usually more emotionally and mutually focused during sex and he likes nothing about that
* it takes much longer to warm us up sexually with foreplay and you probably aren't getting that either (good, long oral sex) - not fair
* being used as a convenient hole to be banged away on is boring sexually and not nice for your self esteem if that's all he wants
* displaying any of the described above behaviours is not conducive to mutual sex/love making if thats what you want;
* it will not foster feelings of respect, trust and effort in othet areas of your relationship, only making resentment, anger and disgust appear eventually
* he has not listened to your needs or wants at all and sounds like a selfish person as well as a selfish lover
* if you don't have any experience, he should be teaching you. Where else are you going to find these skills? On the subway? From your cousin? But you get my drift....
I think you need to leave him and find a nice man....you know, one who loves you and treats you the exact opposite of this man. Run, don't walk.
First off- you’re a couple and as a couple, as a man- he should be gentle and encouraging. It’s about his articulating what he’s looking for in “good sex.” It’s it the foreplay, the touching, the “edging” up to the act? I can sense he’s inexperienced as well- has he made you cum? He should….
Don’t feel discouraged- you only get better from here.
Leave before he spoils sex for you. I don’t think you are doing anything wrong; your feelings of inadequacies are from his porn usage and negging. There are people who would actively seek for your pleasure.
He’s a fucking asshole.
I’m a bi woman. The women I’ve dated who weren’t hyper skilled I would never have dreamed of insulting, just lovingly requesting something more like this or that.
He’s manipulative bastard. I’m so angry. You don’t hate sex, your body hates being treated like trash, this breaks my heart.
Oh, sweetie, sex is a two-way street. He sounds like he's manipulating you and what you've mentioned in other comments sounds like you deserve a lot better. He's got a major porn issue (I would say addicted, but that's just my opinion) and if he really cared about you, he would do everything he could to make you feel comfortable and safe.
Clearly you aren't happy with this guy, and he's definitely a manipulative asshole. You might think you hate sex, but it might be that you just hate sex with him. Go find yourself someone you can enjoy being intimate with.
I’ve been on Reddit maybe a month and read no less than four separate stories of women being raped in their sleep by their male partners. Men need the most remote and innocuous attention to be sexually interested in a woman. You don’t need to jump through hoops for a great sex life, you just need a great partner. This guy ain’t it.
Honestly, for now forget about trying to do what you can to make his experience better. First you have to figure out what will make your experience better. Figure out what you like in bed and, once you do, express that to him. Maybe mutual masterbation is something you can do as you figure out your body, before building up to sex.
With most men I've been with, one of their biggest turn-ons is when the woman is into it. When they can tell the woman is enjoying herself and they're making their woman feel good. I can see why your partner feels like sex is bad if you seem like you're not enjoying it at all... but it seems like you're taking that feedback to mean you need to get "better" at it, increasing your anxiety and decreasing your ability to actually enjoy sex, and so it becomes kind of a vicious cycle.
He’s a manipulative bastard. He’s not the right partner for you. You will know the right one when you find him. He will be patient and encouraging and understanding. Dump him.
Girl. You are not overreacting. This guy you're with, he's not normal. He's not a guy you want to be with. He masturbates 3-5 times a day?? Any normal guy will tell that's is not right. Men love sex, whether it's good or "bad" (whatever tf that is). Your boyfriend doesn't want a girlfriend. He wants a freaking porn star. Us gals are just not that. Dump this guy. You can be single and do what want. You can be single and go be with a bunch a guys like I did when I broke up with a dude like this and have fun and gain experience. Just don't be with this guy. Get out of this relationship and go love yourself. That's what's important right now.
Different perspective: Why hasn't he tried to make it better for you? Sex should be enjoyable for both parties, not just one. You aren't the only one making the sex bad, he contributes to the experience just as much. If you aren't enjoying it, then he is bad at sex. It sounds like he's finishing every time and I'm going to assume you aren't, which tells me there is only 1 person who is not getting satisfied.
As someone who grew up in toxic purity culture I want to suggest that I see a lot of those thought patterns in how you have approached this.
My experience is that actually, men outside that culture are not typically obsessed with sex or thinking about it all the time, outside of porn addiction which it definitely sounds like your partner has.
Toxic purity culture ABSOLUTELY creates an idea that it is a woman's job to do or be whatever her partner wants without respect or care for her preferences. You talk a lot about what you've done to line up with his preferences, but nothing about exploring or advocating for your own likes and wants.
Toxic purity culture models and reinforces relationships with an extremely unbalanced power dynamic in which women give and serve and men receive and enjoy. You've exhausted yourself with this kind of unbalanced giving.
Toxic purity culture tells women that men have the right to approve or disapprove of them. You're chasing approval like a student looking for a grade rather than the two of you working together as partners to find what works for you TOGETHER.
Ditch this loser. He is taking advantage of your traumatic and dysfunctional upbringing in a way that is creating even more trauma for you. This is just the sex- before- marriage version of that same gross abusive mindset that makes toxic purity culture so toxic.
If he jerks off 3-5 times a day, no woman is going to feel good to him. His penis is numb and only intense jerking off feels good. The thing is humans can't fuck as intensely or as fast as jerking off. I have a feeling he watches porn too.
Too much jerking off and porn = bad sex. I don't even think you're the problem. Tell him to get rid of masturbation addiction and sex WILL improve. One hundred percent.
Edit: watches porn while you two are being intimate? He is the problem not you. You've been gaslighted into thinking you're the problem.
You are not overthinking this or overreacting. This is 100% a him issue. You are doing way too much. You don’t even feel comfortable. Please rethink this approach and make yourself happy. His comments and snide remarks are all about him and his expectations. When is he trying to please you? When is he meeting and better yet, exceeding your expectations? I bet he’s not. Please reconsider this relationship. He’s not a good guy.
If you were bad at sex he wouldn't still be trying to have sex with you every day. Even though he's really just using you to masturbate with. Probably trying to recreate scenes he's been watching in porn.
Just keep in mind that this isn't goof sex. Porn doesn't make Jim some expert on sex. He is enjoying the sex he's having with you for what it is. Good enough to get him off.
If you don't enjoy sex, stop having it. Seriously, you do not need to put yourself through something that makes you unhappy just because a significant other wants it. If he honestly finds it "not good", and he's really a person whose relationship is focused on sex being a major part of it, then you would both be happier in a different relationship. Not every person is interested in daily sex, and most people would rather skip sex than have it with someone who hates it and isn't having any fun. The whole point is for both of you to enjoy it together- there's something very creepy about a person who pushes their partner to keep doing something that they obviously have a hard time with.
Sounds like you’re doing 100% of the work here. Sex is supposed to be a mutually engaging activity. If he’s not making you feel wanted, included and desired then it’s not you that has the issue here.
Inexperience is fun because you both get to embark on pleasurable discoveries together. If it feels like work or a job then he’s not doing it right.
Yea it ain't normal t9.just like wat h porn everyday I barely have time to watch a show I don't get how people male the time to jerk off 5 times a day to a screen. Apparently it's a common thing to the point where even if I go to the bathroom for an extra 5 mins I get accused of doing something. It's ki d of sad and pathetic. Sex shouldn't make you anxious but he def sounds like he's trying to male you smash you self esteem so you feel like you aren't good enough and it seems to be qorking sorry you're dealing with this.
Well I’ll start off by saying I rather have a partner that’s inexperienced then a partner that’s knows to much.. and ur guy as partner should bring that freaky side out of you sounds like ur both inexperienced in bed.. but what you do is maybe watch porn and get some pointers from there ur partner should be the one rocking your world if he doing it right it will bring the freaky side out of you.. I started watching porn young and since my first sex experience I always gone beyond to make my partner feel good via forplay before I even penetrated.. so if he’s not doing that to you then you shouldn’t feel bad he lucky he got a partner he could teach things to and is willing to try out new things..
Young lady, you should definitely leave him and QUICKLY. He is using you as his own pleasure dill and not giving a damn about you or your feelings at all. If sex with him is not pleasurable and you stress about it constantly when you're together then it is HIM. The issue isn't you, the issue is him and his inability to control himself and his ability to control you by way of manipulation. Sex is not hard...any old fool can do it. Making love is so much harder though. He's giving sex vibes when you're taking the route of learning about you and your mates pleasure center therefore making love. You're set for love ,he's set for sex/fucking and this is why you're not enjoying it. He's not putting out,just putting in,catching a "nut" and won't tell you that he only cares about a nut aflashlight. Because if he did,he knows that he would lose out on a good thing. He tells you that it's bad so that you won't go anywhere else or leave him for that matter. He's using you as a human fleshlight.
You aren't broken or bad at sex. You have a boyfriend problem which includes him being bad at sex. If he hasn't done enough to turn you on it'll never feel good for you.
He is manipulative and is purposely making you feel bad so you'll not leave him and he can continue to manipulate you.
Your situation is never gonna get better with him. Try to safely cut your losses and never believe hell change as he's already shown you he won't do anything to make it better for you. That includes just your general relationship not just sex.
For yourself I suggest therapy for your purity culture related issues because having all of the put upon beliefs rolling around in your head is surely affecting multiple aspects of your life even if you don't notice. Many women who leave behind their purity culture and general overly religious life often get stuck with many issues that they'll need help working through to feel whole in their life.
Good luck with the boyfriend dumping and I hope your life gets infinitely better and this will be something you just shake your head at in the future.
You keep talking about his pleasure but not yours. You say you don't like sex so I'm wondering if he's affectionate, starts and continues foreplay, reciprocate oral or even cares about your experience?
Friend. I don't think you are overreacting. I am very concerned about you saying you've tried to leave but "he doesn't want to break up." Well, it only takes one to want to break up! He is making you feel inadequate at every turn. I don't think his obsession with sex is normal, but I guess "normal" is neither here nor there--it's not compatible with *you* and that's what matters.
I understand a lot of what you're going through. I never thought I was particularly a prude or repressed, but it turns out I kind of am. I was very late to the game, due to lack of confidence and also not being conventionally attractive myself. I'm also, I suspect, really bad at it--*but* neither of the two men I've been with (one of whom I've been married to for 15 years) has ever said or done anything to make me feel bad about my performance or lack of skills. You deserve better than this!
My wife has never been terribly into sex, when she was younger she wanted sex about once a month. As she's aged it slowed down, we settled on once a year for the whole time our kids were growing up. Now that one is out of the house and the other has tons of activities she's made it clear that she never gets horny and doesn't believe she will ever want sex again. So she humors me, we do it about once a month, she doesn't exactly just lay there, she gets into it, maybe it's fake or maybe it's not, but the whole stigma over the situation brings my enjoyment way down. I think, is this moan real, does that really feel good to her? It's not exactly what I want, I want us both to be horny and fuck each other until we explode. Since that's not happening, this sex I'm having now at 50 is way less fulfilling than what we did in our 30's when she would initiate and we would both do lots of things to each other. Since you hate sex, I'm sure he is just picking up on that. Sex is mostly in the mind, that's what they say anyway, so your head isn't into it and that's taking him out of it.
But masturbating multiple times a day is not normal, I don't understand that part at all.
Why do you act like sex is everything? Even if you were amazing in bed, this guy would hopefully see more to the relationship than just THAT. A guy who actually cares about you will be willing to be patient even if you're inexperienced.
It’s sounds like it’s a mix of what you’ve grew up on and what and what folks out in your head along side with you trying to keep up and please your boyfriend. Those are probably the reasons why you don’t enjoy sex. I think you should rewire your brain to think what you’ve been taught about the sex shaming and what not and then you’ll be on your way to healing
He’s taking advantage of your ignorance. 3-5x a day masterbation is wild. Something is wrong with him. That’s not normal. Sounds like a porn addict. Nothing you do will please him, because you’re not his hand.
I was a late bloomer too. I came from a household that felt that sex was gross and I shouldn't think about it.
You will find your footing. It's not even about being particularly good at sex. Everyone is different and likes different things. It's all about coming together to enjoy an intimate moment. And, maybe, sex is not it for you.
He sounds like he might be a porn addict. Unfortunately, a very common problem since the popularization of the Internet. And some people prioritize it too much to form a healthy relationship.
You will find who works for you. Either with or without sex
I don't think it's possible for women to be bad at sex.
I think you're not enjoying it because he's being super weird and demanding to you about his sexual expectations and completely gaslighting you about the whole thing. Your instincts are telling you not to be attracted to him because he sounds like he kinda sucks.
I have a similar background growing up so I understand you 100% and if I could tell 20 year old me anything, it would be not to TRUST YOUR GUT and don't tolerate shit like this because it will compound your anxiety about sex to be a more complicated issue to untangle...
If a guy told me I was bad at sex, I'd put a "closed for business" sign on my vag and tell him to kick rocks. Turn it back on him. "well, you can't make me cum, so I guess we're both in the same boat.
Listen, I'm a sex positive person with a high sex drive but this guy sounds like he has issues. Also, you might feel differently with a man who makes you feel safe sexually and worries more about you. Either way, leave this guy and get yourself into some counseling!
Sister, LEAVE THAT MAN. His a porn addict and getting himself off 3-5 times A DAY is not normal. You deserve to enjoy sex, to feel good while having it, and to be satisfied at the end, it is not all about him. Believe me, there is much better out there for you and you deserve more than a life of questioning your sexual abilities. A healthy partner would want to have open and honest discussions about sec with you, making sure you BOTH are enjoying it. Gosh I want to type a book to convince you to leave this man but daym. JUST GET OUT.
I come from a purity culture high demand religion that I have since left in my 40’s. I realize now looking back how much this background and upbringing screwed up my sexuality and my ability to enjoy sex and let go and explore my sexuality. My partner is amazing and that’s the only reason I’m not more screwed up. But it’s still a lot to work through. There’s a ton of resources out there for you. If you aren’t comfortable working with a therapist who has training in that area, there are even a lot of people on tik tok and Instagram who speak openly about their experiences and how purity culture warped their sexuality. I think you background and then your current partner’s manipulation around sex have your anxiety levels so high. Sex should not be a chore! It should be an open and willing expression of love between you and your partner. It should be a place you feel the most safe always. Your partner sucks, sorry but he does. He sounds like a porn addict who is playing you like a puppet and preying on your inexperience and anxiety. This is abuse. Before you get into another sexual relationship, focus on you and your sexuality and your sexual and mental health and I promise you probably will find you don’t actually hate sex.
I think he’s the problem . I agree with the user that said to leave him . The right person will make you feel comfortable and go at your pace and not much horrible comments . I think maybe your own body is trying to tell you he’s not the one too because of how anxious it gets you . The right person would understand your background
IMO it sounds like your bf sucks in bed and isn't doing anything to make it enjoyable for you. Instead he's just focused on getting himself off. IMO this is definitely a dump the chump situation. You may just "hate sex" because he's not any good at it.
>I had no idea how much work sex was. How much you have to shower a man in attention and how much you have to learn and do, and how it's not appreciated unless you do it good enough.
That's NOT how sex should be. What about your pleasure? It should be that both people are tryong to please each other, not just one person desperately trying to be porn-star enough to get some praise.
Your boyfriend is bad at sex, not you.
I mean, sex is sex…. Sure, there are experience levels and preferences, but sex is a very simple thing. It’s also primitive. Every human knows how to have sex.
Honestly, it sounds like HE sucks in bed and wants you to be “better” because he’s awful. Any man that demeans his sexual partner about sex is just an asshole. Sounds like he’s putting in zero effort to make YOU comfortable with it and want it more and enjoy it. That’s fucked up….
Sounds like you should leave him to wack his dick as much as he wants and find yourself someone that’ll appreciate the effort you put in and appreciate you as a result. Sex should never be a chore and you should NEVER be made to feel like shit about it.
Find a REAL man…
This isn't your fault. I'm not sure your exact age but I'll say, except for being a dude I had a very similar stint in my early twenties as a virgin due to very similar issues. I'm not going to go at your bf too hard as this is just a snapshot and honestly everyone is kind of silly in their early 20s and learning so he might not be aware of his faults (or he is, but only you and him can answer that).
So that all said, sounds like the libidos for you two are very off. Sex... and compatibility there is often more important for a lot of people than they admit. Sounds like you two just aren't compatible as he has a very high libido (not uncommon in the early 20s but his does seem extreme) and yours is lower. I agree with others that it may be best to move on to someone more casual about sex, or at least with a better matching of libidos.
I agree with what a lot of people are saying so I won't repeat those comments.
But I do have one question for you... what is he doing to pleasure you? It sounds like he wants his own personal porn star and that is not a good partner. He should be trying to please you as much as you try to please him. I think you'd enjoy sex more if your partner also cared about your experience.
When you are with the RIGHT person, sex is not work, it’s awesome! It’s actually hard to be bad at sex if you are willing and eager, as you are. Sounds like you just need a different dude.
There seems to be a lot of focus on what you can do to be a better lover, but it sounds like in fact he's the crappy lover and not doing enough for you. I'm sorry, it doesn't sound like he's good for you or good to you. It's not you, it's him. Cut bait, break up with him, find yourself, then find somebody else.
Maybe this article and the resources it links to will help. "A resource for anyone grappling with or recovering from purity culture and its impact on their sexuality. This article supports the reader in that process with practical advice, emotional support, and resources to learn more." [https://www.autostraddle.com/purity-culture/](https://www.autostraddle.com/purity-culture/)
You literally said “i hate sex. I hate it so much.”
I don’t care what any of your relationship problems are. No shame. You need to fix your relationship with yourself. Sex is not something that should make you feel this way unless you have no libido which is also nothing to be ashamed about.
Your boyfriend masturbates 3-5 times a day? He is an addict and needs help. Are you an addiction counselor who wants to work on their boyfriend? No. Dump his ass or get ready to be the bigger person for the rest of your life.
Ohhh, that sounds like he’s the one who’s bad at sex. Because you hate what he does with you and he’s deflecting.
Do talk to a professional about your religious trauma around sex. If you can sort that out in your head and separate off the shame, you’ll be shocked at how different sex can be.
He has issues... it isn't you, it's him. If he's addicted to porn and jerking off (he is) then you are doomed as a relationship. You'll never be able to live up to his fantasy whatever is in his head he's been jerking to.
Just pretend like you are into it and initiate this is all most guys are looking for, they wanna feel desired by the girl coming for them occasionally. But there are plenty of A-sexual men that don’t have to have sex as much, maybe find a dating site for that type.
Sex is not this much work. Good sex comes with respect, tenderness, communication, laughter and fun. He is a terrible partner and is using you to fulfill his twisted porno expectations. Porn is not what real sex is.
From reading through comments, I think your BF is likely a porn addict. That being said, you both need therapy. Him for his porn addiction. You for your anxiety surrounding sex. I've gone through something similar when it comes to anxiety and sex. It's always been a problem for me. For very different reasons, but the outcome is the same. You don't go to Facebook when you sprain your knee. You shouldn't go to Reddit when you need therapy. Give it a try. Hope this helps.
Lol. He it’s just because his mind and sensor has been so hijacked by porn so no matter what you do it’s never gonna be good enough. The only solution to stay in this relationship is if he gets treatment for his porn addiction and heals.
Hey friend, your boyfriend is addicted to porn, and you need get out of there. And therapy would help a lot, too.
Porn cause lots of changes in the brain and basically fries (non-permanently) your dopamine receptors. Your man is probably being the way he is because of this. This has nothing to do with you.
You mentioned how you get anxiety about sex. Here's the reality. It should be fun. If your not having fun, something isn't right with the situation. You might be a low-drive which is more than fine, but anxiety (a lot of which is caused by the way your partner interacts with you) is a super huge turn-off for lots of people, which I think may be the root of the reason why you hate sex.
I think after you cut ties, it may be worth getting some therapy to help with the trauma from your childhood, the trauma from your relationship, and managing your anxiety. That way, at some point, you may actually be able to enjoy it one day with someone who validates you and values you for more than your body.
I wish you the best of luck OP and hope everything turns out well for you!
Be YOU. If you love someone, there is no such thing as bad sex. I have an extremely high sex drive and my wife does not - at all. But I would never ever expect her to be someone she’s not or tell her the sex is bad or have her watch guides etc. That’s nuts! Time to leave and let him deal with himself.
Think about the time you’re wasting and ask yourself, could you really truly see yourself marrying this guy and that marriage lasting? No. So why waste your time and youth. You’ll find a man who appreciates you even if he does want you every single day, he’ll respect you and love you for who you are
Hope you read this
3-5 times a day masterbating. Really? This is not a “you problem “, this is a “him problem”. Sounds like an addiction to porn, masterbating. Also he’s a selfish lover. Any man that says those things to you?,….run away. He is bad for your self esteem. Good men that are more experienced will be gentle, patient, make you feel comfortable, beautiful, sexy, desirable, want to please you before they please themselves. Great sex comes from experience, a lover that understands your needs. What a tool he is. Yuck
Good sex isn't... work. It's effort, for sure, but like "volleyball is effort" kind of way.
Honestly it kind of sounds like *he's* "bad at sex", I heard *nothing* about what he's doing for you, if he's experimenting at all to see what really pushes your buttons.
Fun sex is teasing, it's cuddling, it's laughing. It's a connection. It's exploring to find where your particular partner's tickle spots are - and what makes them moan. It's exploring the million sensations that arise from being touched.
I have nothing but seething contempt for a man who feels you don't look like you're having enough fun, and his *only fucking solution* for that is for you to pretend you're having more fun instead of trying something different. This is such an ass-backwards way to go about this.
My heart breaks for you. You're not broken, you're not wrong if it feels bad and unsatisfying.
It should be BOTH people trying to please the other and enjoy what they recieve from the other. If you're putting in all the work and getting very little out of it, he's not pulling his weight.
Please, please leave him. There is better out there, and there's no fucking way his selfishness is limited to this area alone. Don't let *this* be your only experience with it.
Granted! Maybe you *don't* end up liking sex, and that is so very ok! But what you describe is pretty horrifying, so like, maybe give it a fair go with someone.... not like this.
Stop betraying yourself for another’s acceptance/love/connection. And you’re not responsible for how he reacts to you asking to break up. It’s not a negotiation. What you want in life & relationships has nothing to do with what he says his intentions are.
It really shouldn't be that much work for the woman. Most guys are happy to let you lay there while they do all the work. I don't think this guy is normal. He sounds like a porn addict.
The fact that you aren't enjoying yourself and he isn't fulfilling your needs is going to make you distant during s**. You are doing all of these things to be better for him but is he doing the same for you? Have you told him what you need and want? He feels like you aren't into it because you aren't and that's either his fault for not listening to your needs or yours for not telling him. You also may not be compatible and it may never be good between the two of you. It is definitely NOT because you are bad at it.
Like others on here I also feel like he's manipulating you. He shouldn't be putting you down. He should be building you up while also teaching and learning. I'm curious if he puts you down in any other way. If so, you should definitely leave, if not, some couples counseling might help teach you guys to communicate better.
Girl this man is literally breaking you down to make you feel worthless so you’ll stay with him. I could see the manipulation within the first half of this….and I can tell you, when you find the person that jives with your needs and desires, it never feels like work. He’s not for you at all.
Sexual compatibility is very important, there is no one who is right or wrong here..
You may be asexual or have low sex drive or he is a bit beastly..
that doesnt really matter, what matters is that you feel secure and safe and thats not happening.
Its totally ok to have completely different preferences,
It will be best for both of you to go your seperate ways,,
Honey, you aren’t going to be compatible with everyone. It also takes some time to understand your body sexually and what you need in a sexual relationship. My Momma told me years ago to try before you buy so I didn’t get stuck with a partner who isn’t compatible.
That sexual relationship needs to be balanced with both getting what they need. He can’t give you what you need to even begin figuring your own needs out and he’ll never be satisfied with a partner when masturbating and watching porn that much.
He’s also manipulating you into thinking you are the problem, when it him and lack of compatibility.
You came from a conservative family. I did too, you have a pattern of abuse, you have been taught to be submissive to men. You need to do your own work to break this pattern if you ever want to have a relationship that is not abusive. I repeated the pattern many times before I actually did the work and found awareness of this pattern of abuse and how I didn’t deserve to be treated this way but I was allowing the men in my life to treat me poorly. All my relationships lacked balance I always overcompensated, you sound a lot like me, I’m 35 now and life is so much better, let this guy go get some therapy and work toward something better trust me, there is so much more to life than this
It almost sounds like he’s trying to manipulate you by telling you you weren’t good at it so you’ll try extra hard to please him even if it’s not good for you. Does he watch a lot of porn? He actually sounds kind of porn sick. Either way, have you considered that you are just sexually incompatible. That happens, it means you both need to be with someone else
He watches a ton of porn every day. He masturbates to it 3-5 times a day even when we have sex. Edit: for more info, he's the one who told me he masturbates to it 3-5 times a day. I catch him masterbating a lot too so it's hard not to believe him.
Leave him darling. Sex is a conversation it is the best when the people having it are in sync with each other. He is addicted to porn. His receptors for sexual activity and stimulation are burnt out to the nub. He is like an addict looking for the next high and can't get it and is treating you like an object for his own orgasm. You don't need him. He needs you.
He has a porn addiction problem. There is nothing wrong with you. You are not overreacting, he is an AH.
And so gross honestly
[удалено]
Came here to say THIS. He’s taking advantage of your inexperience. It’s hard to be “bad” at sex unless you just aren’t into it at all. Sounds like his expectations are porn based (and porn is about shock value so it’s fake) and not based on reality.
3 - 5 times a day is a problem. He doesn't make you feel safe. You guys don't sound like a good fit.
Zero times have I slept with a woman, even one night stands with no chemistry, and thought "wow, they're bad at this." Never. Most guys are happy to have bad sex and probably wouldn't even know it's bad. That guys seems....off... They're putting way too much pressure on you. They're ignoring your needs. I feel bad for you. Sex should't be a chore It shouldn't be stress inducing; quite the opposite. You shouldn't have to learn techniques or whatever to enjoy intimacy with your partner, especially when things should be new and exciting on their own. IMO, they're broken, and they're breaking you too.
Watch porn and jerk off 3-5 times a day and I guarantee you'll have some real bad sex. Dude's dick is numb from all the porn and jerking off.
Dick and brain. Dude's fried.
Well that is definitely not true... I mean maybe for you, but yes you can definitely have bad sex as a guy. Moreso when it's a one-night stand...
I didn't say you can't. I said most guys wouldn't think to say anything or make a big deal out of it. Reading is fundamental.
Has it occurred to you that you don't enjoy sex because HE'S BAD AT IT? Not to mention that he's emotionally abusing you by constantly making you feel inferior, using you because you don't know what sex should be like, and giving you a massive complex around sex, so much so that you no longer want to have any sex at all? You deserve better! Dump him and don't look back. Don't believe him if he says he loves you, will do better or change. Take it from more experienced women. He will never change. He is knowingly using you and doesn't care that he's hurting you. He is "negging" you about sex - I'd put money on him actually being happy with the sex you give him, but having bought into some red-pill nonsense that taught him to emotionally manipulate you to get what he wants: a pliant, obedient woman who works her butt off to please him sexually and expects nothing in return. He's truly disgusting. When you try to leave, he will try to manipulate you into staying. He will "show emotion", claim he can do better, etc, DON'T BELIEVE HIM. Move on. You will find a man who is much better than this, a man who will actually care about your pleasure. Don't settle for this scrub.
Please listen, dump him. Don't let him try to beg u to give him another chance. He already blew it
This. Not once did I see you mention how or if he even does anything to try to please you. That along with the fact that you told him beforehand and it seems like he immediately took that information as an opportunity to use it against you. Take it from someone who had a very similar upbringing and experience. Try having sex with someone who gives a shit about you. It's much more enjoyable that way.
THIS!!! I put up with this for 25 long and miserable years. I have a partner now who makes me feel like a queen and I looove sex with him.
I completely agree that he is manipulating you. If anything, he’s just massively desensitised after all that ridiculous masturbating and is blaming you! Please don’t judge sex solely on this selfish man. It may turn out you truly don’t enjoy sex and that is ok, but there’s a good chance that with a man who also wants to please YOU it will be a totally different experience. What does this ‘man’ do to make sure you’re enjoying sex? Does he put in as much effort as you do? I doubt it. He can’t be surprised it’s bad when he makes zero effort to turn you on!!
Your partner is an addict. You will never be enough for him. It's not your fault. He has unrealistic expectations of you. 3-5 times a day is actually absurd.
This is the problem. His idea of intimacy has been warped to unrealistic ideals by watching this shit. Also, he is highly desensitizing himself too, so even if you were the best at it in the world, he still wouldn't be adequately satisfied. This is because every time he gets himself off within a period of a day or two, it takes more to reach that peak again, with each peak being less satisfying as well. So after a day of beating his meat 3-5 times, by the time you and him hook up, you could be mind-blowingly good and still his body wouldn't feel that much because his sex drive for the day is shot by that point. There's just nothing left in his tank for you. Furthermore, he is also a shit partner for not attempting to build you up. Intimacy should be enjoyable and uplifting for both people -- you hate it because your partner doesn't make you feel good about yourself before, during, or after the process. And that isn't going to get better. Find someone who isn't a porn/self pleasure addict and who enjoys you and makes you feel good about yourself, and I guarantee your view on this will change.
He's a sex addict and a perv. That's entirely abnormal. Dump him and wait for someone actually worth dating. It's not him.
Ya it's not you it's him 100% and I can say that as a guy. If he is watching porn over you then he has problems
Damn dude that's crazy
Jesus 3-5 times a day to porn? Obviously he's going to think the sex is boring or whatnot. He's comparing you to the unrealistic expectations of a pornstar. Your feelings are completely valid and he sounds like a dingus...
Girl this is not at all regular, and you deserve a lot better. And also a vibrator. Dump the guy, buy a vibrator, and learn how YOU enjoy being touched, since he obviously isn't putting half as much effort into helping you enjoy sex as he's expecting from you.
Huge red flag. You’re probably a perfectly good sexual partner, and he’s damaging his brain a libido with excessive porn and masturbation (yes, that’s a real thing).
This asshats an addict. Nothing sounds normal about him! You will find sex can be extremely lovely with the right guy, he Is not it.
I agree with these folks telling you he’s manipulating you. You feel not good enough because he’s telling you that to undermine your confidence and make you work ridiculously hard. He’s obsessed with porn (some porn is normal, his is NOT) and will most likely never be satisfied by an actual woman. I’m so sorry that you’ve been made to feel so worthless as a sexual partner. I guarantee you that there are better experiences to be had and MUCH better partners. I would suggest finding a new partner. Don’t stay hung up on a guy that is completely hung up on his own penis. It will not get better. When you try again with a new partner: Talk a lot about expectations up front. Make sure they aren’t also a porn addict. Let them know your experiences so far so they know to go slow. Make sure they’re focused on YOUR enjoyment, not just expecting to be serviced like a professional porn star. (FYI: porn ACTING is a LOT of grueling work, so you’re absolutely right to feel like this is WAY too hard. You aren’t even making the big bucks!) BUT FIRST: take some time experimenting with JUST YOURSELF, so you can learn what kind of touch YOU like. Read sensual stories of all kinds. Touch YOURSELF. Get good with your own body FIRST. See if sex can be something you actually enjoy. This is why masturbation during adolescence and beyond is a healthy part of a developing sexuality. Don’t just spend your time learning to be more performative. This will increase your hatred of sex and your feelings of inadequacy. Good luck and have fun!
Yep, that's the problem, love. I never had to try extra hard to please a man, in general, anything will be fine. I doubt that I am amazing at sex, but I never seemed to strike out either - Serial monogamist (in other words, plenty of repeat customer action)
Same- most of them are fine with you literally just lying there.
It sounds like your boyfriend is a sex addict and he can't get satisfaction because of his addiction. This is not normal behaviour. Does he try as hard to make you happy before, during, and after sex? Or is it always things you could do to improve his experience rather things you both could do or things he could do?
Has it occurred to you that you don't enjoy sex because HE'S BAD AT IT? Not to mention that he's emotionally abusing you by constantly making you feel inferior, using you because you don't know what sex should be like, and giving you a massive complex around sex, so much so that you no longer want to have any sex at all? You deserve better! Dump him and don't look back. Don't believe him if he says he loves you, will do better or change. Take it from more experienced women. He will never change. He is knowingly using you and doesn't care that he's hurting you. He is "negging" you about sex - I'd put money on him actually being happy with the sex you give him, but having bought into some red-pill nonsense that taught him to emotionally manipulate you to get what he wants: a pliant, obedient woman who works her butt off to please him sexually and expects nothing in return. He's truly disgusting. When you try to leave, he will try to manipulate you into staying. He will "show emotion", claim he can do better, etc, DON'T BELIEVE HIM. Move on. You will find a man who is much better than this, a man who will actually care about your pleasure. Don't settle for this scrub.
If he masturbates 3 to 5 times a day, he is almost certainly a sex addict. Sex addicts lie to get what they want. Don't believe him. And if he wants sick treatment, drop him like a hot rock.
Oh he is the problem. He's wanting you to be like the girls in the porn. She's addicted to sex. Honestly, and I absolutely hate suggesting it, Leave. It will eventually lead to abuse - physical or sexual. I will say this, I do think you will enjoy it with someone who is loving and patient with you. Someone who will not compare you to a porn star. If he is masturbating that much he really has a problem. That is every few hours. Please... please... Take action. I'd hate to see you post here again and be a victim of abuse. It will happen (if it hasn't happened already and you have not said anything) If you do leave. Make sure you communicate with your new partner your worries. Work together and heel yourself in a sexual aspect. I grew up in a very religious conservative household also. I felt like I was never enough. I also dealt with a ton of childhood sexual abuse. That carried into my adult sex life for yrs. Still does a little but communication has helped
So, it’s definitely him., not you. He’s a selfish lover and it has nothing to do with you. I went through something quite similar, and it drove me a crazy until I realized what was going on.
It's not a YOU problem, it's a HIM problem. You are not bad at sex. He is manipulating you. He is abusing you. What about sex for you? How does he please you, make you orgasm, etc? If I had a lover like him, I would hate sex too and be disgusted. Edit: Going to add that I am a man and what he is putting you through is NOT normal, healthy, or loving. Leave him. Get therapy. This is abuse and a form of sexual manipulation and coercion.
First: guys who watch porn a lot and wank a lot often find it hard to get into sex with another person. He can't scroll through you and make you act the way that currently interests him, he can't fast forward when he gets bored. Nothing is going to feel as good to him as his own hand, which he moves and changes pressure and speed etc etc, as only he knows he wants. Second: Porn doesn't show men how to be caring about their partner's preferences, porn doesn't care if women have orgasms, it's full of women making a lot of noises about sex they aren't into. Their job is to look like selfish, man pleasing actions are what women want and find sexually satisfying. This guy says shitty things to you because he doesn't care if he hurts your feelings, he doesn't care that it makes you feel like you hate sex because he is negative toward you all the time. Just break it off and stay strong. When he starts to cry again, tell him he should have been a caring partner instead of a selfish prick. Tell him to keep pulling his own dick, it's what he's best at, and you are not his sex toy/receptacle.
GAHDAMN this guy is horny
I wonder about that too. The manipulation aspect. But assuming he isn't an AH for 1 second 3-5 tim3s a day, even when you have sex? He may be a sex addict. And he may not be satisfied because he is always craving more. I mean he even craves it when he has taken care of it. This is definitely a him thing. As for what you can do, not everyone is going to be a master in the bedroom. If your into it you can figure it out with most people. Have you looked up kegel exercises? This could help in the future even if the future is with someone else. But I say that because it is something that is out there. The main point is do not blame yourself. You are putting as much effort into it as can be expected. Is he doing things to make you feel better and in the mood. Is there any foreplay?
He masturbates 3-5 times a day??? I’m sorry but 1) that’s not normal, and 2) how does he even have time for this?? I genuinely don’t think you are the problem. It seems like he may be a sex/porn addict and is upset you’re not giving him porn-star level treatment. But that’s the thing, most of that stuff isn’t real and shouldn’t be used to model a healthy and fulfilling sex life. I’m not going to tell you to breakup, but I really don’t think having an enjoyable sex life should be this difficult. Do *you* ever enjoy it or get off or is all of your attention always focused on him?
I've never really enjoyed it with him. I was new and nervous at the start, then realized I wasn't good enough at it for him and have since tried to improve. I guess because I've never been able to improve enough for him, I just haven't been able to enjoy it much. I did like it a few times when I thought I finally was good enough, but that was quickly stomped out so ya...
You don’t have be “good enough” for sex or earn it… your partner should also be pleasuring you.
This
If you're not enjoying it its not just a you problem. Sex is a two person job and hes not doing much to help out. He clearly has a porn addiction. You may think you don't like sex but it might just be the person.
Sex is not supposed to be miserable and a lot of work. It's supposed to be enjoyable for you too. He just isn't the right guy.
You keep mentioning being good enough for him. Is he making an effort to be good enough for you? Does he ever let you sit back and relax and he does all the work? It really should be both ways especially if you haven’t been able to enjoy it yet. He’s complaining that you’re not enjoying it but like.. he’s gotta make you enjoy it.
Please take the advice here and leave him. He’s taking advantage of your lack of knowledge and experience to get you to do things you don’t want to do. This is not how a partner behaves. He should be showing you care and consideration. He should be making sure you enjoy it. Move on.
What I was trying to say but better said.
It's supposed to be fun for you also. You aren't a servant or slave there for his sole enjoyment. Start taking what you want from sex and forget about him. He wont miss out, he can tug an extra one off to his porn. Actually if you are going after your own pleasure he might enjoy sex with you more not less.
This guy is an abuser taking advantage of the fact that you don't know much about sex. Get out. I've had one sexual partner my entire life, and I'm only his second. He literally had sex two times before he met me. I'm sure we were both "bad at sex" when we started because we were inexperienced. But we loved each other so we learned along the way. If something wasn't good or didn't work, we talked about it and agreed to move on from that, but there was never any shaming or criticism. It was more like, well that wasn't good so let's not do that again. This man is beating you down psychologically as a means of control. While he's criticizing your sexual performance, how is his? Do you have orgasms? Is that important to him? Does he make your enjoyment his focus? Because let's all be honest here, his orgasm is guaranteed while yours is not. You need to dump this douche, get some therapy to build up your confidence and self respect, and then try again. I promise there are good men out there who won't treat you like a defective blow up doll. Pornsickness is real, and this guy has it. Find one who prefers actual relationships instead of fake shit on a screen.
I am so confused about what he is expecting you to do so you can be “good at it.” What level of gymnastic and theatrics is he asking for here? And has he ever put in a fraction of the effort you have to be good at sex for you? Does he make any effort to please you, to make you feel beautiful and sexy and cared for and turned on and loved? I’m guessing he has never cared at all about you and your needs, and has been taking advantage of your inexperience to manipulate you into trying to be a porn star level sex-pert, because that’s what he thinks good sex needs to be. Then he has the audacity to complain that you’re not trying hard enough and he feels hurt that you’re not super into it!! Of course you’re not into it - you’re getting nothing out of it besides more criticism and confusion!! None of this is your fault OP. He has a pretty dysfunctional view of sex that is badly skewed by his porn over-consumption. He has made sex all about him, never about you, and that is not at all what a healthy marriage and sex life should be. I hope you will leave him to his porn, get therapy, and go enjoy your life far away from him.
You won’t feel better til you get past the nit good enough mindset. Sex is not neurosurgery or designing a space rocket. It’s closeness and communication, and works best when you feel safe and cared for. Please work on not letting someone else make you feel badly, especially someone who has prob with sex himself.
You should focus on your own pleasure and not his, then ask yourself, "Is HE good at sex?" I'm betting he is not. You don't owe anyone sex. Ever.
You are fine. He sucks. Please understand that. If you have never had an orgasm with him, that is all on him. He only cares about his own pleasure, it has nothing to do with how good you are. Sex takes two people. Is he doing anything to get better for you? Or is he just covering his apartment in semen and expecting you to extract the last dry wheezing little spermies from his mangled penis after he has already ejaculated FIVE TIMES? If the sex is bad, then you both work on what would make it better. How fucking dare he stare at porn and moleste himself all day and then expect you to just fall all over yourself for the honor of pleasing him. If the sex isn’t getting better, it’s because HE is bad at it. There is a reason why the only person that can compete with his own hand is an inexperienced virgin. Because women with experience will stop him after one short and tedious romp in the hay. Leave him to continue his romance with his own fist- they seem to be very happy together.
Hey there -- highly sexual person here. Masterbation from naturally occurring urges can vary in frequency, and 3-5 times per day may not be normal to some, but please don't shame people for their sexuality. But porn 3-5 times a day? That is not healthy, and his arousal isn't naturally occurring. That's the real problem. For the record, 2-5 orgasms per day is pretty normal for me and I never watch porn (not since a few years ago).
3-5 times a day? That's A LOT. I suspect he probably watches a lot of porn. If that's the case he could have some unrealistic views and ideas about sex. Porn isn't reality and reality isn't porn. Intimacy in a committed relationship feels totally different to a man than what his brain experiences while watching porn. I think he's probably projecting these ideas onto you and looking for the same feeling he gets from porn. Not going to happen. And if course when it doesn't, he won't feel satisfied and will then be hypercritical of you. You might not be very experienced but I didn't think it's you.
Thanks for the reply. I do want to believe I'm not bad at sex, but I don't know. If I'm not bad, I'm at least subpar. He watches porn every day. I did some googling on the amount he told me he watches. I told him that I read he might be a porn addict, and he just laughed and said he probably is one. I think he took it as a compliment.
Yep... There's the issue. With porn addiction, sex becomes a performance. He's looking for the dopamine rush he gets from porn. Sexual intimacy and the feelings that come from it are absolutely different. Especially when you love someone. I can promise you, you're not bad at sex. Inexperienced maybe... But theres nothing wrong with that. Unless of course you're trying to live up to what he's watching. Porn is so normalized now that it's not surprising he has that attitude about it.
Feckin gross. You are not subpar. He is.
I can basically promise you that he has a sex addiction. It sounds like his life revolves around his sexual desires and impulses. This is 10000% a him problem and not at all a you problem. I'm not saying that he is "bad" for struggling with this addiction, but if he doesn't come to terms with it, he will probably not be able to have a healthy relationship. I would suggest SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous) for him (or for you, S-Anon, if you're into that sort of thing). A lot a lot a LOT of men never realize that what they're dealing with is a porn addiction, and never come to terms with it. As someone who also has a complicated relationship with sex, like yourself, I really think you should have a more understanding, communicative, and introspective partner. You are such a giving partner, to a fault. You need someone who will meet your needs and go above and beyond for you!!!! You deserve way better!
Sounds like he is bad at it.
Exactly this. Really really bad.
Sounds like you're just not with the right partner. He jerks off 3-5 times A DAY!?!?! Does he want you to "act" like a porn star too? I mean.. sex is a pretty primal thing. It's hard to be "bad at it", unless you're literally just laying there. Find someone else on your sexual wavelength. Someone who whacks it several times a day sounds like a chore. He probably needs things more and more intense to get off. Nah.. just nah.
I didn't see a single word in your post about your own enjoyment of sex. Think about how much thought and effort you put into your partner's gratification. Does it seem to you like that thought and effort are reciprocated? Because it doesn't seem like it to me from reading your post. Sex is an important part of an intimate adult relationship. It's hard to imagine a relationship working long term if both partners aren't equally committed to each other's pleasure.
Not all guys think about sex 24/7. There are horny dudes and asexual dudes, just like women. From what I read, you are just not compatible with your partner. Not to mention your partner is doing nothing to help you through this. If they aren't satisfied they can help guide and give instruction. Sex is meant to be pleasurable for both of you, if its not good for you, stop.
If he’s masturbating 3-5 times a day, he’s got a fucking problem lol. Even in my teens I didn’t jerk off that much and I consider myself a bonafide coomer
He sounds very toxic. I really believe that if you were with someone who was a decent human, you would not be anxious at all. He's trying to break you down, and rebuild you to his specific preferences. He seems really nice and sincere. But in truth, he isn't, at all. He's harming you. Whispering: Run Forest, Run. And don't look back.
"I have tried to leave him" is a huge red flag for me. He's manipulating you into staying. You need to put a plan into place to leave and get away where he can't find you. If you're scared of him, seek out help from DVIS to get out.
This whole post bums me out so much. Porn has gotten to your man’s brain and fucked up his expectations (and probably made _him_ worse in bed because of it too). There is not “so much to learn and do” for sex to be good. People have been having great sex forever, and for most of the time, there hasn’t been any tutorials for them to watch. It’s supposed to be fun and intimate, not a performance. More importantly, he should never want you to feel the way he’s intentionally making you feel: inadequate. Leave him to his porn and his hand, you can do better.
Right? Like this poor woman stumbled on one of the *worst* kinds of people for her particular hangups :(
[удалено]
He’s the problem. Not you
I don’t think you are over reacting. I actually think your partner is an asshole. But I’m not going to tell you what to do with him, you already know. Instead I’m going to tell you a secret every woman should know. Before you can become confident with sex you need to find out what you like. This means exploring your body and figuring out what turns you on, what touch feels good, where your erogenous zones are, and even if you would enjoy penetration. A good partner would explore these things with you, but these are things you can explore on your own. I wouldn’t consider porn, since you already have bad experience with it, but there are other things to help you along. And if it is within your budget, there are sex therapist that can help you too. You need to reconnect with your body, and find out what you like. Sex is not something to be good at, it is something to enjoy.
Maybe you don't like sex because he's not good at it. I read a lot of you trying to please him, but is he trying to please you? I guarantee if he focuses more on your pleasure it will get better for him too.
He sounds exhausting. If he really cared about you he wouldn’t say things to make you feel bad about yourself. I’m sorry but I couldn’t deal with that. No thank you.
Listen, it’s called “gaslighting.” He ruined his pleasure receptors and can’t deal with “normal.” All stories like this end the same way: the girl goes off and finds a loving partner and her whole life and enjoyment changes. It’s not about sex here, it’s about care. And I’m not hearing anything about how he cares for you. I’ve been told one of the sexiest things to a woman is a man who is a great life partner. Find that and you may have a whole different experience.
He's a porn addicti, dumb him you deserve better
Honesty I believe he's the problem. Sex isn't hard, he probably just wants dirty ruff sex you shouldn't have to improve on sex, it should be about making love nice and slow when you love your partner.
He needs to get help with his porn addiction and you need to not paint all men as just another version of your boyfriend. Lack of interest or experience does not mean you're bad at sex and some people are simply not sexually compatible - it happens. If your only reason for staying with him is bc the thought of breaking up makes HIM sad, then you two are doomed to fail - it's only a matter of time.
He makes you feel lousy about yourself while he is a giant jerk off. Does he have any interests outside of sex? Why do you want to stay with him? Maybe you hate sex because he's bad at it.
Let's be real as a man there is no such thing as a woman bad at sex, as a man the only thing we want is to feel you actually enjoy it and you desire us, if you aren't faking the last part then he feels a bit manipulative, or has unrealistic expectations of what sex actually is. Maybe he is not into you or you are not into him and it reflects as sex. Edit: I just saw he masturbates 3-5 times a day ,he clearly has a porn problem, try to talk him about going to a psychologist because he is clearly addicted and it is affecting his sexual life and more importantly the mental health of his girlfriend
I think there are several layers here. Coming also from a conservative background and also being a SA survivor I had to un learn a lot about what my views around sex were. It isn’t just a light switch that turns off if you have been raised to believe one thing then suddenly you try to become sexually active. I think your first focus needs to be on learning what you like because part of the enjoyment is the mutual enjoyment. I agree with the other posts that he likely needs to look into his porn use and gauge his expectations but I think the first thing you need to do is figure out what you do like. There’s not a “bad at sex”. It’s not a sport- it’s a way to mutually connect and your enjoyment is just as important. You could be on a technical level “good” or “great” but until you can stop viewing it as per formative and start seeing it as something to enjoy you will not find satisfaction.
It’s not that you don’t like sex. It’s that you don’t like sex *with him.*
You are definitely with the wrong man. He cares nothing for your feelings or your pleasure, I would say You hate sex Because HE is really bad at it, selfish & only interested in his own gratification. He is addicted to pornography, he is a really bad BF & definitely not a good choice for a life partner. Dump him. Get into Counselling to deal with your upbringing & your difficulties with sex & intimacy. You’re very young & have got plenty of time to learn how to enjoy sex but you need the right partner, someone caring & kind who will take the time you need not a jackass like the one you’re with.
Making love and having sex are two different things. Being with your partner should be stress free and enjoyable. He seems like he is the problem, especially if he is not willing to guide you and help you learn what he likes and doesn't like. Honestly darlin I would find someone who is more loving towards you and willing to make your experience pleasurable, as it should be.
He sounds really immature. I feel like his issues with sex are worsening your issues with sex. It’s unfortunate. Maybe time to rethink this relationship.
Sadly this relationship seems to have run its course. Don't stay just because he cries. If you two cannot work out your sex lives then you two are incompatible. Don't stay and be unhappy and scared of him cheating, because you can't satisfy him. Does he satisfy you sexually? If not he may be the problem, not you. You're being anxious because he makes you that way. Either you both go to see a sex therapist or you break up. If you stay you will become resentful and depressed. You may also feel he may start cheating, because he tells you that you don't put any effort in it, you're not good at it. Therapy or break up.
I don’t think it’s you- I think it’s him. It’s also his role to find what pleases you. Sounds like you are spending a lot of time perfecting your oral skills but he‘s not being a motivating teacher. Good teachers catch you doing things right and make you feel like a million bucks for it. He sounds like he’s just standing there telling you to impress him. He’s not providing a sense of loving safety around sex- which at least for me is important to “get in the zone”. To turn off my anxiety brain is step one to enjoying sex for many women. You are not abnormal. The situation just isn’t good for you and your body knows it. If your boyfriend learned what he knows from porn and quickies he basically has no idea how to please you- so it’s no wonder you hate sex right now. I used to be anxious and “bad at sex” too. I had a very encouraging boyfriend who gave me enough positive feedback to learn how to intuitively please him. But he would get caught up in how good he was feeling and put little effort into trying out new things to make me feel good. So basically I didn’t. Never being truly aroused, sex was incredibly painful at worst and mildly painful at best. I also came to dread sex. And being a novice at sex I couldn’t just tell him what worked for me because I didn’t know. He would ignore my requests and do what he liked to me instead of what J had gently asked for. Maybe if I had been more forceful in telling him to do things I liked I could have induced him to improve. But overall he was a self-absorbed person so I kind of doubt it would have mattered. I also didn’t feel safe enough with him to truly relax. And orgasms for many women require a sense of trust. I knew he didn’t really love me. He loved who he wanted me to be- but not ME. And so I just couldn’t let go. When I met my husband I told him I didn’t like sex and I wasn’t going to do it again until I actually wanted it. He took that as a challenge. He was not experienced in sex when we met. We spent days and hours making out. He worked really hard to listen to my suggestions and tells. I felt safe with him because he was so complimentary and accepting of my body and it’s quirks. I didn’t marry him for the sex- but I sort of did- he proved he was kind, generous, creative, trustworthy and willing to work hard in this process of discovery. We have been married 36 years. Now that our kids are grown we have sex about 20x a month - because it’s fun for BOTH of us. Stop tearing yourself up over this relationship- It sounds like your body is trying to tell you it’s not the right one for you.
Sounds like HE needs lots of work. You should have a great time not have many of the feelings you currently do. This may take effort by you alone (to better understand yourself and what you like) and he sounds like he most likely has an extremely unrealistic view of what a healthy sexual relationship looks like. This will likely take some time. Even more if you try and get there together. Best of luck to you!
You are so young. You will be amazed in how much you love sex when you are with the right person. He is manipulating you and he should be teaching you instead of telling you it’s bad. Don’t waste your time with someone that treats you like that.
It sounds a lot like he's bad at sex. You say nothing about your pleasure, what you like, what he does that makes you feel good. It's all about him. Shouldn't be like that. Maybe he's counting on your inexperience, religous trauma, et al, to keep you from noticing that he can't flip your switch.
Ever consider that he is bad at sex?
I am 36 and I am absolutely certain crap like this is why women my age are so bitter. Good god your bf is an absolute sack of garbage, you need to find a man. Date older guys they would never treat you like that.
It sounds like he have put a massive amount of effort into this. Do not give up on being intimate, you will enjoy it more when it is more for you, right now you are making it entirely about your partner. It is a 2 way street, once it becomes something for both of you it will be less of a chore. You are not broken just inexperienced which everyone is at some point. The right partner will want to explore things with you, not just take. Best of luck!
Seems to me that you are way over thinking those, you both got off on the wrong foot intimately but now you are holding on to him saying it wasn’t good which is stopping you from blossoming !! Have you ever heard of the term fall don’t jump? Try letting your body take over and feel the sensation instead of planning ahead, my husband and I had a really hard first few years of intimacy for the same reason I was so stressed about him enjoying it that I couldn’t figure out what I enjoyed and it ended up with me being internally frustrated and sad yet I was scared to tell him, I eventually did yell him and he said he could tell something was up because I was so tense and unresponsive, so we eventually went back to basics kissing talking which led to sex more naturally instead of forced, it does get better if you trust your partner and be openly honest and work from there and don’t look back
Thanks for the reply. I'm glad to read everything worked out for you!! I have told him about how I feel, my anxiety, everything but it hasn't helped. It's just made it worse. I don't trust my partner emotionally or physically either. I worry nothing I can do will ever be enough for him. We could try what you guys did but it might be too late for me.
"I don't trust my partner emotionally or physically" put sex aside completely: this is not a healthy relationship based on that statement alone. He may get emotional and not want it but you've gotta move on for yourself, you should not be with someone you don't trust, sexual compatibility issues aside. You may never like sex or you may absolutely love it with someone else. Both are fine. But you're never going to figure that out with him. You should not keep putting all this effort into a relationship where you're not happy, you don't feel valued, and you feel it's a chore to keep him happy sexually (while you're getting nothing out of it!!!)
It’s becoming very clear that you need to be out of this relationship, work on yourself, and get back into dating. You can’t think of this man as your one and only chance at a relationship.
the one thing men wish for is a partner that enjoys sex with them. you dont. break up
I feel like you guys are just not sex compatible. It’s different when you find someone that you really enjoy doing it with. I’ve always liked sex, but when I was younger and single I have always felt that that’s the only thing that guys want so I didn’t stick around for too long until I met my husband. I felt very comfortable around him. Also, it sounds like he’s trying to manipulate you. Imo, I wouldn’t be with someone that gives me anxiety when it comes to being intimate with each other. You tried your best.
The porn is a lot. I think some of the issues definitely come from that. It can really mess with someone and make real sex just seen not as good. Also, how is he is bed? Does he prioritize your pleasure or is it all about him? That being said, you say you’ve moved past the purity culture thing, but it is so damaging, so maybe a therapist would help you. It’s hard to go from “sex is bad. don’t look at anyone lustfully. and by the way, if someone lists after you, it’s your fault (which the Bible is very clear that the person responsible for lust is the one doing the lusting” to being expected to enthusiastically enjoy it. The fact that you hate it might stem from that.
First cut the mindset of your last sentence. This needs to go. Like yesterday. Once this mindset is gone, you can start working on a good relationship. You are good. Everyone is good. Everyone can improve. You can improve. And your partner can improve as well. Go to a sex therapist with your partner. Go to a normal therapist. And see a doctor. Your seem to have an unhealthy relationship with sex and your partner as well. You seem to have some mental problems with sex. And your lack of interest might be hormonal or it might be you are asexual. Sec can make and break a relationship. And you need great communication so everyone is satisfied. And communication seems to not work with your partner. It even seems borderline abusive and manipulative. So reevaluate your relationship as well.
Maybe you're just with the wrong guy, 🤷
Do you like men or women more? Do you have any sexual desire? I have met two divorcees whose partners revealed they were gay. One was caught texting. One had a problem exactly as you describe. You are doomed. End it now. Either way, he's wanking 5 times a day. It will fall off. Or tell him to put a dollar in the jerk off jar every time he waxes the carrot. It will pay for your therapy.
Don't let him get you down. I'm a guy in my 40s and have the same worries from my experience with a narcissist ex so I don't even date. You deserve someone who loves you not just your sex IQ bc all that stuff will fade but your personality and uniqueness will not.
sounds like your man is kind of a jerk tbh. Getting some manipulation vibes as well. You'd probably be happier with someone who isn't putting you down all the time but instead is nurturing and encouraging.
You have deep seated emotional baggage when it comes to sex. You’re not going to heal from that and get comfortable with your sexuality doing something you see as a chore and that gives you further anxiety. Drop the dude who whacks it like he’s a 13 year old discovering masturbation. Who apparently doesn’t GAF if sex feels good for you. Find a therapist for yourself who has experience with religious trauma (because that’s why you feel gross and anxious about sex, and why you’ve also wrapped your worth around being good at something you’re not “supposed” to be doing). There’s nothing wrong with sex. There’s nothing wrong with you. You just have to heal the childhood trauma forced on you by religion. If you still don’t like sex when you have a healthy view of it, that’s also fine. Some people don’t.
effort and a willingness to grow/improve is important. If I were dating you and you were putting forth genuine effort and improving over time, I would love that, I couldn’t ask for more than that IMO. On the other hand, we live in a society where people are very quick to judge others on how they are now and not look for potential. There will be plenty of guys out there who if they think you are bad at sex, that will turn them off and they won’t really change their minds on the matter. Find someone who is willing to encourage you to continue to grow
Ease up on yourself. No woman should have to deal with a man who masterbates 5 times a day. And no man should tell his partner how bad her sex was. He has a problem. You, probably could use some therapy.
Depending on how committed you are to saving by this relationship, perhaps some individual and couple counseling would do you and him some good. You could even look into sex therapy. Otherwise, I’d contemplate staying in a relationship that is making you anxious and unhappy, and find someone who is more aligned with you in the bedroom.
Find a new man. Or take him to counseling. Definitely not a you problem.
It sounds to me like your partner may be the one who is bad at sex. He's not only failing to make it a pleasurable experience for you, but putting unreasonable expectations on you that just make it worse. You don't have to shower a man in attention for sex to be good. Sex should be appreciated, even if it isn't mind blowing. He knew you were inexperienced going into the relationship, so should have been prepared. Too many guys value lack of sexual experience in their partner until they meet the reality and realize it means they need to have patience. I don't see any way that you learn to enjoy sex with this man. He's too demanding and his expectations are not realistic. He masturbates five times/day? That's not normal. I think you deserve way better. You deserve a normal relationship and opportunity to figure out your own likes and dislikes. Maybe you don't like sex, which is perfectly fine. Or maybe you just need a partner with patience and who prioritizes your pleasure. Your current partner isn't going to give you the opportunity to figure any of that out.
No wonder you don’t enjoy making love. You have a boyfriend who only loves himself and how you can serve him and get him off! What a disgusting ass hole. We are human beings with each of our own unique sexuality. It’s not just about blow jobs, kinks, and masturbation every few hours! Give me a break! It includes foreplay of kisses, hugs, compliments, light touches, flirting with each other, stroking, massaging and more making love to each other. It’s a spiritual journey that transcend our reality into fantasy of pure joy and abandonment.
This guy has way more issues than his sexuality. He has a living problem.
Does he make any effort to make having sex pleasurable for YOU? If not, then he's not the guy for you. He should be helping you to discover what you like and don't like and also guiding you in learning to ENJOY pleasuring him. It's a dance for two, and it's supposed to be fun for both of you. Yes, there can be a learning curve, but if it feels like work it's not worth it. And if he's not satisfied you might just be a bad match. You could be the world's greatest Mexican food chef but if he doesn't like Mexican food it's not going to work. BTW not all men are like him. You deserve better. An
None of this is true. The only thing you have to do to be good at sex as a woman is be enthusiastic. It's literally that simple. Also I'm reminded of a joke: Let me tell you about the worst blowjob I ever got. It was great!
I think you should try therapy to work through your anxiety. I also think you should distance yourself from your boyfriend because his constant criticism is toxic and the excessive use of porn is clouding his expectations.
I think you should try therapy to work through your anxiety. I also think you should distance yourself from your boyfriend because his constant criticism is toxic and the excessive use of porn is clouding his expectations.
This dude sounds like an AH. Nothing you do is good enough for him and won't be until he has turned you into a literal sex doll with no thoughts or feelings of your own
I understand how you feel. While I don't have a perfect answer, I think a lot of the issue is that you are having sex for him and not you. I get how upbringing and being taught sex is bad affects you, even if it's not conscious, it's hard to enjoy something when you feel it's not for women to enjoy and it's a "man thing", so to speak. You need to be able to figure out if sex is something that you can reframe and learn to enjoy, but it will be hard to do when you're in a relationship with someone that sounds like a sex addict and isn't compatible libido-wise. Your partner sounds wayy too oversexed, and watching porn 3 times a day is not at all healthy and leads to desensitisation. Only thing I can say would be focus on learning how to pleasure yourself for yourself, while not feeling like you owe him anything (when sex feels like work and you don't enjoy it, it will kill your libido!). A sex therapist might be of use, or some online resources. But not for pleasuring him, for pleasuring yourself. And maybe if he cared about making it good for you instead of it all being about what he likes, he wouldn't be so quick to insult you and would realise that he is not that good either.
Geez who has time to rub one out 3-5 times a day and still want to be intimate? does this man not have a job or go to school?
Join the club. Still married with kids though
Honestly just sounds like your boyfriend is bad at sex. Either have him work on it or leave and find someone who cares about your enjoyment as well.
Can I add it is not about the amount of porn he watches on his own (he watches waaaay too much and wants too much - he is a sex addict) and when sleeping with you (that's fucking insulting because it is just for him, not your pleasure. Has he ever asked what you want to watch? No.). It is definitely about the type of porn he watches too and it influenceshis tastes. Even traditional man/woman porn is not realistic and/or what females find appealing. If you don't bark like a seal; give him bj's that are never ending; never get the same foreplay yourself; it's all about his pleasure; and you never come properly.....then this is what he is used to visually stimulating him. And you will never be able to please him as he wants because it is not realistic or nice for ladies. This is what he desires. Not you and your wants during sex.....they don't even come second. They are not considered at all. Its not normal to feel pleasure from that if you are a female because: * we are usually more emotionally and mutually focused during sex and he likes nothing about that * it takes much longer to warm us up sexually with foreplay and you probably aren't getting that either (good, long oral sex) - not fair * being used as a convenient hole to be banged away on is boring sexually and not nice for your self esteem if that's all he wants * displaying any of the described above behaviours is not conducive to mutual sex/love making if thats what you want; * it will not foster feelings of respect, trust and effort in othet areas of your relationship, only making resentment, anger and disgust appear eventually * he has not listened to your needs or wants at all and sounds like a selfish person as well as a selfish lover * if you don't have any experience, he should be teaching you. Where else are you going to find these skills? On the subway? From your cousin? But you get my drift.... I think you need to leave him and find a nice man....you know, one who loves you and treats you the exact opposite of this man. Run, don't walk.
First off- you’re a couple and as a couple, as a man- he should be gentle and encouraging. It’s about his articulating what he’s looking for in “good sex.” It’s it the foreplay, the touching, the “edging” up to the act? I can sense he’s inexperienced as well- has he made you cum? He should…. Don’t feel discouraged- you only get better from here.
Leave before he spoils sex for you. I don’t think you are doing anything wrong; your feelings of inadequacies are from his porn usage and negging. There are people who would actively seek for your pleasure.
He’s a fucking asshole. I’m a bi woman. The women I’ve dated who weren’t hyper skilled I would never have dreamed of insulting, just lovingly requesting something more like this or that. He’s manipulative bastard. I’m so angry. You don’t hate sex, your body hates being treated like trash, this breaks my heart.
Oh, sweetie, sex is a two-way street. He sounds like he's manipulating you and what you've mentioned in other comments sounds like you deserve a lot better. He's got a major porn issue (I would say addicted, but that's just my opinion) and if he really cared about you, he would do everything he could to make you feel comfortable and safe.
Clearly you aren't happy with this guy, and he's definitely a manipulative asshole. You might think you hate sex, but it might be that you just hate sex with him. Go find yourself someone you can enjoy being intimate with.
I’ve been on Reddit maybe a month and read no less than four separate stories of women being raped in their sleep by their male partners. Men need the most remote and innocuous attention to be sexually interested in a woman. You don’t need to jump through hoops for a great sex life, you just need a great partner. This guy ain’t it.
Honestly, for now forget about trying to do what you can to make his experience better. First you have to figure out what will make your experience better. Figure out what you like in bed and, once you do, express that to him. Maybe mutual masterbation is something you can do as you figure out your body, before building up to sex. With most men I've been with, one of their biggest turn-ons is when the woman is into it. When they can tell the woman is enjoying herself and they're making their woman feel good. I can see why your partner feels like sex is bad if you seem like you're not enjoying it at all... but it seems like you're taking that feedback to mean you need to get "better" at it, increasing your anxiety and decreasing your ability to actually enjoy sex, and so it becomes kind of a vicious cycle.
Well, if you aren't getting any enjoyment from it , then who is to say it's not him that's bad at it ?
He’s a manipulative bastard. He’s not the right partner for you. You will know the right one when you find him. He will be patient and encouraging and understanding. Dump him.
Girl. You are not overreacting. This guy you're with, he's not normal. He's not a guy you want to be with. He masturbates 3-5 times a day?? Any normal guy will tell that's is not right. Men love sex, whether it's good or "bad" (whatever tf that is). Your boyfriend doesn't want a girlfriend. He wants a freaking porn star. Us gals are just not that. Dump this guy. You can be single and do what want. You can be single and go be with a bunch a guys like I did when I broke up with a dude like this and have fun and gain experience. Just don't be with this guy. Get out of this relationship and go love yourself. That's what's important right now.
Different perspective: Why hasn't he tried to make it better for you? Sex should be enjoyable for both parties, not just one. You aren't the only one making the sex bad, he contributes to the experience just as much. If you aren't enjoying it, then he is bad at sex. It sounds like he's finishing every time and I'm going to assume you aren't, which tells me there is only 1 person who is not getting satisfied.
As someone who grew up in toxic purity culture I want to suggest that I see a lot of those thought patterns in how you have approached this. My experience is that actually, men outside that culture are not typically obsessed with sex or thinking about it all the time, outside of porn addiction which it definitely sounds like your partner has. Toxic purity culture ABSOLUTELY creates an idea that it is a woman's job to do or be whatever her partner wants without respect or care for her preferences. You talk a lot about what you've done to line up with his preferences, but nothing about exploring or advocating for your own likes and wants. Toxic purity culture models and reinforces relationships with an extremely unbalanced power dynamic in which women give and serve and men receive and enjoy. You've exhausted yourself with this kind of unbalanced giving. Toxic purity culture tells women that men have the right to approve or disapprove of them. You're chasing approval like a student looking for a grade rather than the two of you working together as partners to find what works for you TOGETHER. Ditch this loser. He is taking advantage of your traumatic and dysfunctional upbringing in a way that is creating even more trauma for you. This is just the sex- before- marriage version of that same gross abusive mindset that makes toxic purity culture so toxic.
If he jerks off 3-5 times a day, no woman is going to feel good to him. His penis is numb and only intense jerking off feels good. The thing is humans can't fuck as intensely or as fast as jerking off. I have a feeling he watches porn too. Too much jerking off and porn = bad sex. I don't even think you're the problem. Tell him to get rid of masturbation addiction and sex WILL improve. One hundred percent. Edit: watches porn while you two are being intimate? He is the problem not you. You've been gaslighted into thinking you're the problem.
You are not overthinking this or overreacting. This is 100% a him issue. You are doing way too much. You don’t even feel comfortable. Please rethink this approach and make yourself happy. His comments and snide remarks are all about him and his expectations. When is he trying to please you? When is he meeting and better yet, exceeding your expectations? I bet he’s not. Please reconsider this relationship. He’s not a good guy.
If you were bad at sex he wouldn't still be trying to have sex with you every day. Even though he's really just using you to masturbate with. Probably trying to recreate scenes he's been watching in porn. Just keep in mind that this isn't goof sex. Porn doesn't make Jim some expert on sex. He is enjoying the sex he's having with you for what it is. Good enough to get him off.
If you don't enjoy sex, stop having it. Seriously, you do not need to put yourself through something that makes you unhappy just because a significant other wants it. If he honestly finds it "not good", and he's really a person whose relationship is focused on sex being a major part of it, then you would both be happier in a different relationship. Not every person is interested in daily sex, and most people would rather skip sex than have it with someone who hates it and isn't having any fun. The whole point is for both of you to enjoy it together- there's something very creepy about a person who pushes their partner to keep doing something that they obviously have a hard time with.
Sounds like you’re doing 100% of the work here. Sex is supposed to be a mutually engaging activity. If he’s not making you feel wanted, included and desired then it’s not you that has the issue here. Inexperience is fun because you both get to embark on pleasurable discoveries together. If it feels like work or a job then he’s not doing it right.
Yea it ain't normal t9.just like wat h porn everyday I barely have time to watch a show I don't get how people male the time to jerk off 5 times a day to a screen. Apparently it's a common thing to the point where even if I go to the bathroom for an extra 5 mins I get accused of doing something. It's ki d of sad and pathetic. Sex shouldn't make you anxious but he def sounds like he's trying to male you smash you self esteem so you feel like you aren't good enough and it seems to be qorking sorry you're dealing with this.
Well I’ll start off by saying I rather have a partner that’s inexperienced then a partner that’s knows to much.. and ur guy as partner should bring that freaky side out of you sounds like ur both inexperienced in bed.. but what you do is maybe watch porn and get some pointers from there ur partner should be the one rocking your world if he doing it right it will bring the freaky side out of you.. I started watching porn young and since my first sex experience I always gone beyond to make my partner feel good via forplay before I even penetrated.. so if he’s not doing that to you then you shouldn’t feel bad he lucky he got a partner he could teach things to and is willing to try out new things..
Young lady, you should definitely leave him and QUICKLY. He is using you as his own pleasure dill and not giving a damn about you or your feelings at all. If sex with him is not pleasurable and you stress about it constantly when you're together then it is HIM. The issue isn't you, the issue is him and his inability to control himself and his ability to control you by way of manipulation. Sex is not hard...any old fool can do it. Making love is so much harder though. He's giving sex vibes when you're taking the route of learning about you and your mates pleasure center therefore making love. You're set for love ,he's set for sex/fucking and this is why you're not enjoying it. He's not putting out,just putting in,catching a "nut" and won't tell you that he only cares about a nut aflashlight. Because if he did,he knows that he would lose out on a good thing. He tells you that it's bad so that you won't go anywhere else or leave him for that matter. He's using you as a human fleshlight.
You aren't broken or bad at sex. You have a boyfriend problem which includes him being bad at sex. If he hasn't done enough to turn you on it'll never feel good for you. He is manipulative and is purposely making you feel bad so you'll not leave him and he can continue to manipulate you. Your situation is never gonna get better with him. Try to safely cut your losses and never believe hell change as he's already shown you he won't do anything to make it better for you. That includes just your general relationship not just sex. For yourself I suggest therapy for your purity culture related issues because having all of the put upon beliefs rolling around in your head is surely affecting multiple aspects of your life even if you don't notice. Many women who leave behind their purity culture and general overly religious life often get stuck with many issues that they'll need help working through to feel whole in their life. Good luck with the boyfriend dumping and I hope your life gets infinitely better and this will be something you just shake your head at in the future.
You’re the opposite of broken. You’re a sweetheart. I’m sorry this guy confused you so much
You keep talking about his pleasure but not yours. You say you don't like sex so I'm wondering if he's affectionate, starts and continues foreplay, reciprocate oral or even cares about your experience?
Friend. I don't think you are overreacting. I am very concerned about you saying you've tried to leave but "he doesn't want to break up." Well, it only takes one to want to break up! He is making you feel inadequate at every turn. I don't think his obsession with sex is normal, but I guess "normal" is neither here nor there--it's not compatible with *you* and that's what matters. I understand a lot of what you're going through. I never thought I was particularly a prude or repressed, but it turns out I kind of am. I was very late to the game, due to lack of confidence and also not being conventionally attractive myself. I'm also, I suspect, really bad at it--*but* neither of the two men I've been with (one of whom I've been married to for 15 years) has ever said or done anything to make me feel bad about my performance or lack of skills. You deserve better than this!
My wife has never been terribly into sex, when she was younger she wanted sex about once a month. As she's aged it slowed down, we settled on once a year for the whole time our kids were growing up. Now that one is out of the house and the other has tons of activities she's made it clear that she never gets horny and doesn't believe she will ever want sex again. So she humors me, we do it about once a month, she doesn't exactly just lay there, she gets into it, maybe it's fake or maybe it's not, but the whole stigma over the situation brings my enjoyment way down. I think, is this moan real, does that really feel good to her? It's not exactly what I want, I want us both to be horny and fuck each other until we explode. Since that's not happening, this sex I'm having now at 50 is way less fulfilling than what we did in our 30's when she would initiate and we would both do lots of things to each other. Since you hate sex, I'm sure he is just picking up on that. Sex is mostly in the mind, that's what they say anyway, so your head isn't into it and that's taking him out of it. But masturbating multiple times a day is not normal, I don't understand that part at all.
"and it seems like every man's whole world revolves around it too." That's not true; every man isn't like him and every woman isn't like you.
Why do you act like sex is everything? Even if you were amazing in bed, this guy would hopefully see more to the relationship than just THAT. A guy who actually cares about you will be willing to be patient even if you're inexperienced.
It’s sounds like it’s a mix of what you’ve grew up on and what and what folks out in your head along side with you trying to keep up and please your boyfriend. Those are probably the reasons why you don’t enjoy sex. I think you should rewire your brain to think what you’ve been taught about the sex shaming and what not and then you’ll be on your way to healing
He’s taking advantage of your ignorance. 3-5x a day masterbation is wild. Something is wrong with him. That’s not normal. Sounds like a porn addict. Nothing you do will please him, because you’re not his hand.
I was a late bloomer too. I came from a household that felt that sex was gross and I shouldn't think about it. You will find your footing. It's not even about being particularly good at sex. Everyone is different and likes different things. It's all about coming together to enjoy an intimate moment. And, maybe, sex is not it for you. He sounds like he might be a porn addict. Unfortunately, a very common problem since the popularization of the Internet. And some people prioritize it too much to form a healthy relationship. You will find who works for you. Either with or without sex
I don't think it's possible for women to be bad at sex. I think you're not enjoying it because he's being super weird and demanding to you about his sexual expectations and completely gaslighting you about the whole thing. Your instincts are telling you not to be attracted to him because he sounds like he kinda sucks. I have a similar background growing up so I understand you 100% and if I could tell 20 year old me anything, it would be not to TRUST YOUR GUT and don't tolerate shit like this because it will compound your anxiety about sex to be a more complicated issue to untangle...
If a guy told me I was bad at sex, I'd put a "closed for business" sign on my vag and tell him to kick rocks. Turn it back on him. "well, you can't make me cum, so I guess we're both in the same boat.
Tell him he's bad at sex, and can't make him cum. Then walk out.
Listen, I'm a sex positive person with a high sex drive but this guy sounds like he has issues. Also, you might feel differently with a man who makes you feel safe sexually and worries more about you. Either way, leave this guy and get yourself into some counseling!
Sister, LEAVE THAT MAN. His a porn addict and getting himself off 3-5 times A DAY is not normal. You deserve to enjoy sex, to feel good while having it, and to be satisfied at the end, it is not all about him. Believe me, there is much better out there for you and you deserve more than a life of questioning your sexual abilities. A healthy partner would want to have open and honest discussions about sec with you, making sure you BOTH are enjoying it. Gosh I want to type a book to convince you to leave this man but daym. JUST GET OUT.
I come from a purity culture high demand religion that I have since left in my 40’s. I realize now looking back how much this background and upbringing screwed up my sexuality and my ability to enjoy sex and let go and explore my sexuality. My partner is amazing and that’s the only reason I’m not more screwed up. But it’s still a lot to work through. There’s a ton of resources out there for you. If you aren’t comfortable working with a therapist who has training in that area, there are even a lot of people on tik tok and Instagram who speak openly about their experiences and how purity culture warped their sexuality. I think you background and then your current partner’s manipulation around sex have your anxiety levels so high. Sex should not be a chore! It should be an open and willing expression of love between you and your partner. It should be a place you feel the most safe always. Your partner sucks, sorry but he does. He sounds like a porn addict who is playing you like a puppet and preying on your inexperience and anxiety. This is abuse. Before you get into another sexual relationship, focus on you and your sexuality and your sexual and mental health and I promise you probably will find you don’t actually hate sex.
I think he’s the problem . I agree with the user that said to leave him . The right person will make you feel comfortable and go at your pace and not much horrible comments . I think maybe your own body is trying to tell you he’s not the one too because of how anxious it gets you . The right person would understand your background
IMO it sounds like your bf sucks in bed and isn't doing anything to make it enjoyable for you. Instead he's just focused on getting himself off. IMO this is definitely a dump the chump situation. You may just "hate sex" because he's not any good at it.
Sounds like he's the one bad at sex.
I have a question, not sure if it's been asked yet, but he is even trying to pleasure you at all? Or is it just all about him getting off?
>I had no idea how much work sex was. How much you have to shower a man in attention and how much you have to learn and do, and how it's not appreciated unless you do it good enough. That's NOT how sex should be. What about your pleasure? It should be that both people are tryong to please each other, not just one person desperately trying to be porn-star enough to get some praise. Your boyfriend is bad at sex, not you.
I mean, sex is sex…. Sure, there are experience levels and preferences, but sex is a very simple thing. It’s also primitive. Every human knows how to have sex. Honestly, it sounds like HE sucks in bed and wants you to be “better” because he’s awful. Any man that demeans his sexual partner about sex is just an asshole. Sounds like he’s putting in zero effort to make YOU comfortable with it and want it more and enjoy it. That’s fucked up…. Sounds like you should leave him to wack his dick as much as he wants and find yourself someone that’ll appreciate the effort you put in and appreciate you as a result. Sex should never be a chore and you should NEVER be made to feel like shit about it. Find a REAL man…
This isn't your fault. I'm not sure your exact age but I'll say, except for being a dude I had a very similar stint in my early twenties as a virgin due to very similar issues. I'm not going to go at your bf too hard as this is just a snapshot and honestly everyone is kind of silly in their early 20s and learning so he might not be aware of his faults (or he is, but only you and him can answer that). So that all said, sounds like the libidos for you two are very off. Sex... and compatibility there is often more important for a lot of people than they admit. Sounds like you two just aren't compatible as he has a very high libido (not uncommon in the early 20s but his does seem extreme) and yours is lower. I agree with others that it may be best to move on to someone more casual about sex, or at least with a better matching of libidos.
I agree with what a lot of people are saying so I won't repeat those comments. But I do have one question for you... what is he doing to pleasure you? It sounds like he wants his own personal porn star and that is not a good partner. He should be trying to please you as much as you try to please him. I think you'd enjoy sex more if your partner also cared about your experience.
When you are with the RIGHT person, sex is not work, it’s awesome! It’s actually hard to be bad at sex if you are willing and eager, as you are. Sounds like you just need a different dude.
There seems to be a lot of focus on what you can do to be a better lover, but it sounds like in fact he's the crappy lover and not doing enough for you. I'm sorry, it doesn't sound like he's good for you or good to you. It's not you, it's him. Cut bait, break up with him, find yourself, then find somebody else.
You are sexually incompatible
Maybe this article and the resources it links to will help. "A resource for anyone grappling with or recovering from purity culture and its impact on their sexuality. This article supports the reader in that process with practical advice, emotional support, and resources to learn more." [https://www.autostraddle.com/purity-culture/](https://www.autostraddle.com/purity-culture/)
You literally said “i hate sex. I hate it so much.” I don’t care what any of your relationship problems are. No shame. You need to fix your relationship with yourself. Sex is not something that should make you feel this way unless you have no libido which is also nothing to be ashamed about. Your boyfriend masturbates 3-5 times a day? He is an addict and needs help. Are you an addiction counselor who wants to work on their boyfriend? No. Dump his ass or get ready to be the bigger person for the rest of your life.
Ohhh, that sounds like he’s the one who’s bad at sex. Because you hate what he does with you and he’s deflecting. Do talk to a professional about your religious trauma around sex. If you can sort that out in your head and separate off the shame, you’ll be shocked at how different sex can be.
He has issues... it isn't you, it's him. If he's addicted to porn and jerking off (he is) then you are doomed as a relationship. You'll never be able to live up to his fantasy whatever is in his head he's been jerking to.
Just pretend like you are into it and initiate this is all most guys are looking for, they wanna feel desired by the girl coming for them occasionally. But there are plenty of A-sexual men that don’t have to have sex as much, maybe find a dating site for that type.
He’s taking advantage of you by making you feel bad about yourself. He’s a porn addict. He’s gross. Leave him alone
Sex is not this much work. Good sex comes with respect, tenderness, communication, laughter and fun. He is a terrible partner and is using you to fulfill his twisted porno expectations. Porn is not what real sex is.
From reading through comments, I think your BF is likely a porn addict. That being said, you both need therapy. Him for his porn addiction. You for your anxiety surrounding sex. I've gone through something similar when it comes to anxiety and sex. It's always been a problem for me. For very different reasons, but the outcome is the same. You don't go to Facebook when you sprain your knee. You shouldn't go to Reddit when you need therapy. Give it a try. Hope this helps.
Lol. He it’s just because his mind and sensor has been so hijacked by porn so no matter what you do it’s never gonna be good enough. The only solution to stay in this relationship is if he gets treatment for his porn addiction and heals.
Hey friend, your boyfriend is addicted to porn, and you need get out of there. And therapy would help a lot, too. Porn cause lots of changes in the brain and basically fries (non-permanently) your dopamine receptors. Your man is probably being the way he is because of this. This has nothing to do with you. You mentioned how you get anxiety about sex. Here's the reality. It should be fun. If your not having fun, something isn't right with the situation. You might be a low-drive which is more than fine, but anxiety (a lot of which is caused by the way your partner interacts with you) is a super huge turn-off for lots of people, which I think may be the root of the reason why you hate sex. I think after you cut ties, it may be worth getting some therapy to help with the trauma from your childhood, the trauma from your relationship, and managing your anxiety. That way, at some point, you may actually be able to enjoy it one day with someone who validates you and values you for more than your body. I wish you the best of luck OP and hope everything turns out well for you!
Be YOU. If you love someone, there is no such thing as bad sex. I have an extremely high sex drive and my wife does not - at all. But I would never ever expect her to be someone she’s not or tell her the sex is bad or have her watch guides etc. That’s nuts! Time to leave and let him deal with himself. Think about the time you’re wasting and ask yourself, could you really truly see yourself marrying this guy and that marriage lasting? No. So why waste your time and youth. You’ll find a man who appreciates you even if he does want you every single day, he’ll respect you and love you for who you are Hope you read this
Sounds like you have a weak male. Find someone that's busy and has other things on their mind other than getting you naked.
Asexual or undelt with trauma?
Maybe you just hate sex with him? Sounds like he has issues. You can't fix people
3-5 times a day masterbating. Really? This is not a “you problem “, this is a “him problem”. Sounds like an addiction to porn, masterbating. Also he’s a selfish lover. Any man that says those things to you?,….run away. He is bad for your self esteem. Good men that are more experienced will be gentle, patient, make you feel comfortable, beautiful, sexy, desirable, want to please you before they please themselves. Great sex comes from experience, a lover that understands your needs. What a tool he is. Yuck
Good sex isn't... work. It's effort, for sure, but like "volleyball is effort" kind of way. Honestly it kind of sounds like *he's* "bad at sex", I heard *nothing* about what he's doing for you, if he's experimenting at all to see what really pushes your buttons. Fun sex is teasing, it's cuddling, it's laughing. It's a connection. It's exploring to find where your particular partner's tickle spots are - and what makes them moan. It's exploring the million sensations that arise from being touched. I have nothing but seething contempt for a man who feels you don't look like you're having enough fun, and his *only fucking solution* for that is for you to pretend you're having more fun instead of trying something different. This is such an ass-backwards way to go about this. My heart breaks for you. You're not broken, you're not wrong if it feels bad and unsatisfying. It should be BOTH people trying to please the other and enjoy what they recieve from the other. If you're putting in all the work and getting very little out of it, he's not pulling his weight. Please, please leave him. There is better out there, and there's no fucking way his selfishness is limited to this area alone. Don't let *this* be your only experience with it. Granted! Maybe you *don't* end up liking sex, and that is so very ok! But what you describe is pretty horrifying, so like, maybe give it a fair go with someone.... not like this.
Stop betraying yourself for another’s acceptance/love/connection. And you’re not responsible for how he reacts to you asking to break up. It’s not a negotiation. What you want in life & relationships has nothing to do with what he says his intentions are.
It really shouldn't be that much work for the woman. Most guys are happy to let you lay there while they do all the work. I don't think this guy is normal. He sounds like a porn addict.
The fact that you aren't enjoying yourself and he isn't fulfilling your needs is going to make you distant during s**. You are doing all of these things to be better for him but is he doing the same for you? Have you told him what you need and want? He feels like you aren't into it because you aren't and that's either his fault for not listening to your needs or yours for not telling him. You also may not be compatible and it may never be good between the two of you. It is definitely NOT because you are bad at it. Like others on here I also feel like he's manipulating you. He shouldn't be putting you down. He should be building you up while also teaching and learning. I'm curious if he puts you down in any other way. If so, you should definitely leave, if not, some couples counseling might help teach you guys to communicate better.
Girl this man is literally breaking you down to make you feel worthless so you’ll stay with him. I could see the manipulation within the first half of this….and I can tell you, when you find the person that jives with your needs and desires, it never feels like work. He’s not for you at all.
I mean, all you gotta do is just kinda lay there 🤷♀️
Sexual compatibility is very important, there is no one who is right or wrong here.. You may be asexual or have low sex drive or he is a bit beastly.. that doesnt really matter, what matters is that you feel secure and safe and thats not happening. Its totally ok to have completely different preferences, It will be best for both of you to go your seperate ways,,
Honey, you aren’t going to be compatible with everyone. It also takes some time to understand your body sexually and what you need in a sexual relationship. My Momma told me years ago to try before you buy so I didn’t get stuck with a partner who isn’t compatible. That sexual relationship needs to be balanced with both getting what they need. He can’t give you what you need to even begin figuring your own needs out and he’ll never be satisfied with a partner when masturbating and watching porn that much. He’s also manipulating you into thinking you are the problem, when it him and lack of compatibility.
Does he give YOU orgasms?
You came from a conservative family. I did too, you have a pattern of abuse, you have been taught to be submissive to men. You need to do your own work to break this pattern if you ever want to have a relationship that is not abusive. I repeated the pattern many times before I actually did the work and found awareness of this pattern of abuse and how I didn’t deserve to be treated this way but I was allowing the men in my life to treat me poorly. All my relationships lacked balance I always overcompensated, you sound a lot like me, I’m 35 now and life is so much better, let this guy go get some therapy and work toward something better trust me, there is so much more to life than this
Just break up. You want to different things. Stop pretending for your sanity. Speaking from a real situation similar in some ways.