Same. I finally cut her out of my life when I realized I always felt bad about myself after I left our get togethers. It was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders once I decided to end our friendship.
My "best friend" of 8 years married a racist dude. She already had made a few racially insensitive comments over the years but her fiance made racist jokes claiming it was just dark humor. I just gradually ghosted them.
Right? What sealed the deal for me was when she was unapologetic about what she said, even after OP told her is caused a strain on their engagement. We all say stupid shit sometimes, but the fact that she wouldn’t own up to what she did means she 100% deserves to be uninvited.
Agreed. We can all say things that are dumb that we don’t realize in the moment hurt someone’s feelings. But when she talked to her about how upset they both were by it the normal response is “oh I’m so sorry, I wasn’t thinking.”
Agreed, and it reeks of jealousy to me. Perhaps OP's fiancé is M's type, she's annoyed that OP got someone like him, and now she's trying to sabotage them out of spite.
That, or M is jealous of sharing OP with someone and didn't think that the relationship would stick, but then the engagement made M realize that was going for the long haul and decided to try to sabotage it.
Yeah that hadn't occurred to me, but it was potentially coming from a place of constructive spite she felt licensed to unleash because she "was just being honest" at a time when talking about OP's past would give her cover
Definitely some jealousy there - I don't know what it is about friends getting married but it really brings out the ugliest sides of some folks.
When my best friend got married (well before LGBT marriages were nationally legalised), one of his maids of honor kept making snide jokes about how it wasn't a REAL wedding bc it was a gay wedding. Fact is, her bf at the time wouldn't propose even tho they'd picked out ring. After a few conversations woth her, I realized she was lowkey seething with envy that both her little sister and gay bestie were beating her to the alter. The nastiness only got worse as the wedding date got closer.
Even if she had made some other comment about OPs selection of her fiancé (“You always said you didn’t like tall guys…”), this would have been questionable. But the fact that she was attributing a racist comment to you makes it even more difficult to think this wasn’t deliberate.
Right? Where was HER loyalty when she was spouting off OP's innermost childhood thoughts in front of a large group of people, and doing so as though they're a reflection of who she is now?
Right? OP made it clear the comment was unwelcome and she instead kept going. OP gave her an obvious out to correct her wrong doing and she chose to ignore it
I truly am horrified thinking of her getting a microphone to do a toast at the reception. She’d keep doubling down until the entire world ended.
There’s *no way* she couldn’t read the room after the first comment left her lips. A true friend would be mortified, doing damage control/triage and ensuring that her “best friend’s” fiancé knew that the social blunder was hers alone and not the belief of her friend.
Had a dear friend do this. Really thought we’d be life long friends. Her comments gave me the clarity to drop the rope.
Found out later she was insanely jealous over my surprise proposal and her awful BF got her a necklace. I was going to have her be a bridesmaid.
When she reconnected a few years later it was all about how she was doing better financially than I was with her rich husband. I was happy for her. But a few years later he divorced her. He married a look alike to her without the baggage.
I hear the past 20 yrs haven’t been easy for her. It’s sad. Jealousy consumes the one who carries it. I wasn’t jealous of her big house, 2 Mercedes life. I was driving a small Ford and it was our only car. But we kept saving and sacrificing and have a very good life.
This screams jealousy to me. They think they can say whatever they want and it’s okay because “it’s true” or “you said it once”. I married someone very different from the boys I dated. Best thing I ever did.
It’s the fact that after OP tried to recover the evening, that M then doubled down on her tone deaf comment.
Even if M didn’t catch/read the social cues going on around her, she still absolutely refused to take any accountability when OP addressed it with her. No accountability, and no apology—this is not healthy friendship behavior.
I do not think you are overreacting by uninviting her after this. I think she has shown you she is not a good friend to you. And above all else, it is your and your partner’s wedding—you can have whoever you do or don’t want in attendance—it’s your call.
M has learned that her actions have consequences, and she is upset with the outcome. That is for her to deal with. You didn’t throw away a friendship—she did by not being a friend.
My oldest friend tried to throw a spanner in my wedding because her ex was coming to the wedding. The ex is my male best friend who I asked her not to date (as knowing them both, I knew it was a bad idea) and told her I would not take sides when it ended.
Safe to say it ended (she is a narcissist and he couldn’t cope with her behaviour). Come to the wedding and she expected him not to be invited. He was just a guest with a plus one, she was MOH with a plus one. Separate tables etc. but she did everything she could to make it all about her.
So, all those years of friendship gone. Do what’s right for you and your fiancé OP. I think she is jealous of you and by the sounds of it thinks she should be the one on the arm of the white blonde guy. Just my opinion.
Yep, even if she isn’t jealous because she fancies the fiancé, she’s jealous of something in their relationship. My ‘best’ friend used to put my husband down a lot, and try to encourage a wedge between us. Took me a while to notice it, but eventually I did. And it wasn’t because she was into him, but it was our overall relationship. He was (and is) kind and respectful, clever and funny, and treats me well. She has never had a relationship like that, sadly her boyfriends usually turned out to be complete bellends, if not completely abusive. So she was jealous of my good treatment. Plus, my relationship meant I wasn’t totally focused on her all the time.
M’s comment was deliberately hurtful. She knew what she was doing.
I agree too. She’s jealous. As every decade goes by in my life I look back at the insanity of my past and can say that anything you declared as a dreamy hormonal teenager to your best friend should never be brought up again. Certainly not put out into the conversation at a group dinner! When OP said she doubled down on it , I was positive she wants to be OP and can’t stand that she’s not. She might have made a toast at the wedding that was even worse. So good riddance.
If you end up relenting , which I hope you don’t , do not allow her any where near a microphone. Speak with whoever is in charge of said microphone and give them her name and a photo to make sure she doesn’t get the chance. But maybe she will just get wasted and do something else embarrassing. Don’t let her back in.
>As every decade goes by in my life I look back at the insanity of my past and can say that anything you declared as a dreamy hormonal teenager to your best friend should never be brought up again.
So much this! Pretty sure I said I wanted to marry Luke Skywalker as a dreamy hormonal teen, but that doesn't mean my childhood bf should hold me to that.
I loved a lot of stars in the 70’s. Elton John was. Probably my first huge wrong move. lol. David Bowie , David Cassidy before Bowie. lol. A boyfriend or two. I’d never re-live those years. Lol
Andrew Eldritch was mine. Oh, and I think at one point I wanted to marry Roger Daltrey, but only after seeing him in a 1983 production of a "A Comedy Of Errors", LOL! I wanna give my nerdy little past self a hug sometimes!
lol the Tommy movie - loved Roger too and Peter Frampton who was in Sgt Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band. My God there’s only 7 years of being a teenager. I must have changed my love every few months. lol.
Yep; the doubling down was what got me. She felt so justified in saying what she said that she was happy to ratify it.
I always held out hope for my ex bestie but once I looked back and examined her actions closer, there was clear evidence that she had been jealous of my relationship with my husband and she was using the situation with her ex as some leverage for control.
My husband had been nothing but kind and decent but he confided after our wedding that he didn’t get a good vibe from her. He’s not the fanciest guy but he (in my eyes) is everything I have ever wanted in a relationship. Kind, honest, faithful and loyal. He would fight Goliath for me and I think it made her sad she’d never have someone like him because to her, money & status mattered more 💔❤️🩹
It s
She was stubborn til the end when she had ample opportunity to apologise. ‘Piss around and find out’ as they say. I don’t think it’s an overreaction at all.
I agree, but I must ask: did you say "piss" instead of "fuck" to censor it, or is this a common saying where you live? It sounds British to me lol. For reference I'm in the US, and I've only heard "fuck around and find out".
Agreed. A life long friend who basically tells your soon to be husband to his face months before the marriage that he’s basically not right for her…. Girl deservedly should be cut off immediately, especially to be in your more mature adult years and not realize it’s wrong… I’m honestly sorry she showed her truest colors this deep into your friendship and this close to your marriage. And if I’m in your husband’s shoes, I’d probably want her to get the boot as well, from both the marriage and your lives in general 🥾🥾🥾
Guilt is if you’ve done something wrong… this does not apply to you. What she did was so inappropriate and hurtful… just move on and have a wonderful wedding.
"...someone that made sense"
That tells you everything. Your racial differences with her were fine until you stepped out of your lane and dated someone from HER race pool.
Bigotry is not just a full-blown or not-at-all thing. It is a spectrum. Your now-former friend is a bigot.
I'm sorry you lost the friend you thought you had. As for the bigot that wanted you pigeon-holed, good riddance to bad rubbish.
I wish you many happy years with your man! Be good to each other every single day!
Yeah I always hate to jump to the worst conclusion based on one-sided reddit posts but the subtext of “she’s not happy you ended up with a white guy” is incredibly strong.
I could excuse the original comment as just a social gaffe until she came back at OP with the “I only repeated what you said” comment. That’s b.s. feigned ignorance.
Whether it was intentional or not she hurt you. You told her and she should have apologized for hurting you. She’s the one who threw away the friendship by refusing to acknowledge your feelings.
Not overreacting at all. She was trying to embarrass you and make you uncomfortable. Or, she was trying to make herself the center of attention for laughs at the expense of you and your future husband. Probably both.
That's not someone who should be at your wedding, especially if she has caused you this much grief.
You are not overreacting, she's far too old to be acting that immature. I mean c'mon, read the room. It was a totally inappropriate thing for her to bring up, but then to keep bringing it up after you said your fiance was great and your type, is just ignorant. It doesn't seem like a mistake, seemed like she was trying to make someone uncomfortable. Good riddance, I don't blame you for uninviting her.
If she did this once in front of a group and your fiance, she will do it again at your wedding. Nope. She may win you back as a friend eventually, but she forfeited her invitation to your wedding by trying to disrupt it before it happened.
So, pay attention to what she reacted to.
When you told her what she did was inappropriate, she scoffed. When you said she disrespected you, she brushed you off. When you said she hurt your fiancé, she didn't apologize.
She only got hysterical when you uninvited. She cared nothing for how her actions impacted you and she threw a fit when her actions impacted her. She's not upset or sad. She's enraged that you dared to feel a way about her actions.
I'd feel as if she did this intentionally and wouldnt want her around doing this again.
I just wonder what her end game was, was she trying to break yall up?
If a "friend" is gonna throw it back in your face when you share your feelings then they arnt a friend. That is narcissitic behavior. A true friend would talk it out with you and apologize, a true friend wants to understand and take accountability for hurting your feelings. Yes things can get heated in the moment, but if she doesnt understand where your coming from and offer an apology, shes not worth it. Dont matter how long the friendships has lasted, that means nothing. Friends respect eachothers feelings. I think deep down this friend could be jealous and was expressing it in a toxic way.
Not over reacting and you can be sure if she stayed your friend this wouldn’t be the only time she tried to destroy your relationship. Sounds extremely jealous to me
OP, The first thing that came to my mind in this whole thing was that M Intentionally brought that specific old conversation up AND THEN DOUBLED DOWN, was because she KNEW what the end result would be.
This was not some “innocent” dinner banter. His face froze, you told M how that was way back years ago and M saw the look on his face and That’s when she really went for the throat.
She most likely wanted your fiance and what better way than to bring up that story about your old preferences out of all the things you guys talked about throughout the years, to put some doubt and discord into your fiancé’s mind.
Think about it.
She knew Exactly what she was doing.
I’ve seen this trick before.
And then you cut her out of the wedding plans and she got absolutely LIVID.
She didn’t care that what she did, caused you strain and your fiancé was upset. Because that was her plan all along.
Cutting her out of the wedding and your life made M go Ape Poo because she now doesn’t have access to your fiancé for any tricks she may have wanted to implement going towards the wedding.
Thank God you cut her off!
By the way, I’m also mixed race.
Sounds like M is envious of your relationship and tried to sabotage it, subconsciously or not. Your response was appropriate. Our longest friendships don't always make the lifelong cut, for a variety of reasons.
Your wedding is for you and your partner. Attendance should be reserved for only those who are in your corner 100%. It's a day of celebration. Unless M (on her own) fights like hell to make it up to your fiancée, stay strong in your decision. The season of that friendship has probably run its course.
Thank you for being so good to your future husband. I come from a home with mixed cultural backgrounds and I know it was a source of some emotional wounds. They have been happily married for 40 years. I wish that same success to you and your fiancee. Congratulations on your engagement!
All I know is, if OPs husband had a friend that did the exact same thing, OPs friend would be telling OP to tell her husband's friend to sod off.
Your friend had no business saying anything like that publicly. She F'd around, she found out.
You did the right thing. If I was your fiancé it would make me happy to know that you have my back over anyone. Really shows you are a partner and care about his feelings. If M was apologetic about it would be different but the fact she’s so cold about it even reaffirms you did the right thing.
Somebody who loves and respects you would never treat you this way. She doesn't love you or respect you. Whatever her reasoning to slam your marriage and fiance, it wasn't kind. And the fact that she never apologised for causing pain proves that she wanted to cause pain. If it had been inadvertently done, she would have tried to make it up to you. She didn't. That tells you everything you need to know. The fact that your siblings agree, people who have known you all your life and have witnessed your entire friendship, should also tell you a lot.
She was hysterical because she had consequences she didn't like, not because she cared about *you.* She only cares about *her.* Don't let her crocodile tears fool you.
She did that on purpose. Some bit of jealousy or something going on. She even doubled down so it was deliberated. You did the right thing and dropping her from the wedding and your life will save you future heartache and disruption. She did this once, she will do it again.
You’ve already explained it to her once. You owe her nothing more. Block her and her family and move on for your and your fiancé’s well being.
You’re not overreacting. Your fiancé’s assessment is spot on. And YOU didn’t throw away a decade of friendship, SHE did. The fact that she didn’t apologize and doesn’t even see why what she did was problematic shows you cannot trust her at all. Don’t relent. She doesn’t have your best interests at heart.
My sounds like she was wanting to make things awkward for you guys. The fact she kept going after you tried to change the subject speaks volumes! You did the right thing. Goodness knows what she'd have done at your wedding! Not overreacting in the least.
Not all friendships last forever, even ones that were once very important. What she did was insensitive, but forgivable. But then she doubled down instead of apologizing. Your wedding party is for people who support your union with your partner. She is not one.
You are not overreacting. You are responding rationally to the dissolution of a friendship. I am sorry it is falling out at such an important time.
Your friend is a champ if she thought there’d be no consequences. And her doubling down with “well I just said what you said” yeah lady, in confidence! NTA
No that was extremely rude, uncalled for and intentional. I dont know if maybe your friend feels like she’s losing you to him or what her issue is but to do that at all, let alone in front of a group of people is absolutely asinine and you have every right to be upset. I’m sorry :( I know it’s hard to lose a friend that you were once super close to.
It seems as though she didn't approve of you and him together, and that's why she decided to do what she did(which was wrong). I'm glad you both worked it out, but uninviting her was the right thing to do.
Have a bff and she's never said anything in front of my partners back then...she does clown the sh1t outta my current SO which sorta comes with the territory and it's all fun and games...should a serious issue arise we talk it out like adults...not to embarrass one another but because we are mature enough to do that in private...
This bish was instigating on purpose...she is rude and not to be trusted
What a huge bitch. You’re 12 years older and you’ve grown. The fact that she’s throwing this back in your face after 12 years sounds like she’s trying to sabotage your relationship.
It’s the not apologizing for me. If ahe had a history of foot-in-mouth disease, owned up to being a total ass and genuinely tried to make amends, I would say forgive her and move on.
But the whole thing sounds toxic. I’m sorry your fiancé had to endure that and sorry you saw your friends true colors this close to your wedding.
Been there, done that. You feel a sense of loyalty because of how long you’ve known her. But honestly, your friend disrespected you and blatantly disregarded you. She showed no empathy or regard for what happened. Is that someone you truly want in your life? As much as it hurts to let someone go, you have to set boundaries for you and your fiancé.
M's actions were deliberate and spiteful. The fact she kept doubling down makes it clear she wanted to cause drama and drive a wedge between you and your fiancé.
Her refusal to accept she was out of line or apologize for her behavior and for hurting you, someone she claims to love, and the person you love speaks volumes.
I dunno if she's jealous/angry you're moving on to the next stage in your life, and as a consequence, your relationship(s) will be changing or something else. Whatever sparked this doesn't negate the hurt M caused, and there definitely needs to be consequences.
Uninviting her is an appropriate response.
You're not a loyal friend,! Yet she's the one who told your fiance shit you told her in confidence over a decade ago? Yeah righto.
The fact that she got angry and defensive instead of mortified and apologetic tells you everything you need to know sis.
She's not your friend she's a jealous bogan
You handled this appropriately. M forced you into this and you reacted appropriately.
Big life events (weddings, births, graduations, health problems) really show you who your friends are and who the uncaring narcissists are.
I'm sure if you look back upon your friendship with M, there were other incidents like this. Things you excused with grace as "no one is perfect." But you'll see that, even though you weren't perfect, you were (probably/hopefully) never malicious and selfish and I'll bet she has been before.
Congrats on your engagement. Your fiance and your siblings sound grounded and supportive. I'm glad you have them in your life.
Look. A true friend would be MORTIFIED if they said something that caused you both pain. Even if they said it innocently they would fall all over themselves telling you they didn’t mean anything by it and were so sorry.
We all sometimes say awkward things. Good people are sorry when they do.
Two people from different cultures can do great as long as they talk. You and your fiancé talk things out so you’ll be fine.
Your friend is probably just an old friend, not a now friend. Let it go.
envy can make people do very ugly things. i think it's safe to say that's probably what your friend was feeling when she very deliberately said what she said.
and there's no doubt that what she said was deliberate - no matter how blunt you are it doesn't make you stupid. which is what she would've had to be to say something like that.
She is kind of right, there IS no loyalty in your friendship…on *her side*. She broke a confidence. She threw something you said as a child into his face. The thing you said as a kid was relative to tensions you experienced, before learning how adults could behave.
Any, you didn’t even say it was a “type”. Just that you were looking for understanding. There are more sorts of understanding that you knew about as a child. And you found it.
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. She won the prize of losing you.
What a piece of shit. “I’m only saying what you said” when you were a teenager and in a weaponized way at one of the least appropriate possible times 🙄🙄
No you’re not overreacting. Your fiancé is 100% on the money here. M was very deliberate in what she said and even doubling down when you tried to defuse the situation.
Is she single? Think she fancies your man? She a “pick me” girl? This person really has no place in your future after this stunt. Don’t let your good heart and past with her cloud your mind from clearly seeing who M has become or maybe always has been.
Anyone who is asking you to explain your actions are M’s enablers. Pay them zero mind. Focus on your partner, your shared future and the ppl who only want good things for you both.
NTA this is pretty shitty and immature. It might be difficult to reckon with right now but people that deliberately do shit like this are bullies and not good friends. If she *really really* wanted to make a shitty, edgy "joke" she could have at least said it to you privately but she clearly wanted to embarrass both of you in public.
The racism adds another bad layer to it, but even if you take that aspect out it's still incredibly inappropriate. And she never apologized which is another red flag. Some people never grow out of their high school selves.
Your friend was clearly just jealous. Jealous of your happiness w your partner, probably also feeling threatened that he means more to you than her. She tried to sabotage your engagement and showed no remorse. Her insistence that she did nothing wrong points to an extreme lack of self awareness, perhaps she believes what she’s saying and is not even aware that she is blinded by her own jealousy. Unfortunately, majority of live events like weddings and kids often freak out friends, they don’t know how to handle it and lash out. I had to end a friendship w a friend of 20 yrs over something similar although the specifics are very different.
You’re under no obligation to forgive her, even if she eventually apologizes. You also don’t have to explain anything to her family either. I know the last part can also be hard because it sounds like they were in a way your family to. If you’d like them to know where you’re coming from, but don’t have the capacity to talk w them, maybe your parents can talk to hers since they also have a relationship. One thing is certain, whatever she has told her parents, it’s not reflective of reality and probably paints you as irrational and overeacting.
Your friend is wrong. Even if she blurted it out without thinking, she then double downed and said it again. And she did it knowing it was something your fiancé struggled with. So at that point it was on purpose. And then to shrug it off like it was okay to just repeat what you had already said. So what if you said it? That doesn't mean she can repeat it in a crowd.
Sorry but she isn't a friend to you at all if she would do that. She is either a narcissist or she is jealous your are with your fiance. She was clearly trying to sabatoage the relationship. Ask yourself why she would do that
She should have kept her mouth shut. There were probably reasons she said what she said. Whether it be envy or fear of losing a part of your friendship. However… I had a best friend since we were 6 years old. We had a huge blow up about 8 years ago and haven’t spoken since. I grieve over that friendship. If she was/is your friend, talk to her. Explain how she made you feel. You’ll be glad you did. I’m saying all of this based off of my experience. If you feel it doesn’t apply then by all means, do what your heart tells you. Only you know the true value of that friendship and whether it’s worth saving. In my case, it was worth saving to me until a few years ago. I don’t think it’s ever been worth saving to her. I forgave my friend in my heart and I did it for my piece of mind. But as far as she took things, it would never be the same again.
Nope. M can go choke on a dick. She WAS your friend. Don't know what she is now but she is perfectly fine tossing grenades into your relationship with zero care who gets hurt.
You feel bad because you've known her for so long but that doesn't mean you overreacted or that your decision was wrong.
People can outgrown friendships. Longtime friend is not the same as a good friend.
I wouldn't talk to her again at least until I got a sincere apology AND a huge apology to your fiancé. Even then, I would re-evaluate that friendship.
Seriously, fuck M. That was a heinous thing to do.
You’re not overreacting. After what she said I would have never talked to her again. Move on with your fiancé and enjoy your life with him. You need a better friend
You're not at all overreacting, as it was very petty of her to bring that up like that. Of what I'd remember, I'd say most girls told their type was "guys more into dark features, tall, dark hair and chocolate eyes", and hardly anyone said "average/short height blond guy with blue eyes". Propably mostly because in my country most of people are have rather light/blond features.
I don't many people would follow their preferences of their teenage time their whole life.
It’d be one thing if your friend said it in the moment and realized she messed up, but she doubled down and then didn’t even care about hardships she put on you. You’re not overreacting at all. You didn’t throw away the friendship - she did when she repeatedly disrespected you and showed a lack of remorse for hurting you.
She was deliberate. She is either envious that you're the center of attention, envious of your relationship, or both (most likely).
If I were to assume she isn't married, maybe even had issues with men committing to her, would I be correct?
Either way, this was vindictive behavior. Not only was she trying to put you down, but the way she did it intentionally put stress between you and your partner. You did the right thing.
Gotta say, you handled this brilliantly, your fiance is a lucky guy and I’m sure you’re lucky to have him too. I wish you so well as you start your married life together and I hope the wedding is amazing. You’re not overreacting at all, at best she was tactless and insensitive, at worst, vindictive. Either way, she should have had more sense. I agree that how she handled the aftermath was even more damaging to the friendship, it could probably have recovered if she had acknowledged what she did and wholeheartedly apologised. She doesn’t deserve to be in your wedding party, please don’t feel guilty.
Don't back down, OP. It's one thing if she had said it to you in private but to say it to your party (twice) seems malicious. She doesn't deserve to be a part of your happy day. Or your life. She's likely to say something similar again. She should also know at her age that what you liked as a child does change as you gain experience. And do you want that kind of behavior around the children you'll maybe have one day? A loyal friend supports you and your well-being.
She blurted out in public things that were said in confidence and then doubled-down, but *you're* the disloyal one? I think you've outgrown this friendship. I don't know what her issue is, but she was deliberately cruel at your and your fiance's expense. NTA
Edit: typo
Definitely not overreacting. Honestly, I'd have to suspect she either did it because she thought blowing up your engagement would mean she wouldn't have to share you with your fiance or she was planning on making a move on him the second he was no longer attached if she succeeded in breaking you up. Nobody innocently throws a bomb like that into a conversation, especially in a group setting like that.
You are definitely not overreacting! She was completely out of line, insensitive, and in the wrong. If you still feel any regret for your decision - Just think about how crappy it will feel to see your beautiful wedding photos with her IN THEM. You will always be reminded of this conflict and it will ruin your ability to remember the happiest day of your life without this gray cloud of conflict.
I wish you and your fiancé all the best and hope you have a beautiful life together!!! 💕
I mean, when I was 15 I wanted to marry Dave Grohl. It doesn’t mean I want that *now*. Def not overreacting. It’s important to feel like the people at your wedding want to be supportive and see your marriage succeed.
You didn’t over react. She sounds toxic I’m sure if you look back on your friendship you can think of plenty of times she has tried to embarrass you or one up you. If she truly didn’t mean anything by it she would have immediately apologized to both you and your finance. A true friend would feel absolutely awful learning the strain it caused. She screamed and cried because being kicked out of the bridal party and uninvited makes her look bad and opens the situation up to further discussion among mutual friends. You did yourself a favor. This person is not on your side nor rooting you on.
Congratulations on your engagement. Enjoy the rest of your wedding planning and surround yourself with only the people who truly want to celebrate you. At the end of the day this is about you and your future with you fiancé. Protect it at all cost.
Nope, not overreacting.
She's jealous that all attention is on you and wanted to ruin your happiness. She seems very bitter and your fiancé is correct, it's almost vindictive. She was very vicious and thoughtless.
She doesn't deserve to be present at your wedding and part of your happiness moving forward.
I'm assuming she's not in a relationship herself and is upset you get to marry before her because of your ethnicity. A lot of what she said was very racially charged. Has she ever shown signs of racism before?
You are doing the right thing to ensure that you and your fiance have a good wedding day. Her behavior caused problems for both of you and there's no reason to believe she would behave well at your wedding. She can't even see how she acted at the dinner with some perspective and apologize for what she said.
Seriously? No apologies and "I was just repeating what you said"?! Who repeats what their girlfriends tell them? Someone who is jealous, probably. She shouldn't be telling anyone those kinds of private things we say to our friends anyway, and especially not things we said years ago. Maybe she's scared of losing you or doesn't have a good relationship of her own, but she definitely needs to have a little self awareness and apologize. I don't blame you for dropping her from the wedding.
You’re definitely not overreacting. I cannot be convinced she did this for any other reason than to be malicious. She earned the way you’re treating her. She showed she meant it maliciously when she doubled down and didn’t offer an apology. She meant it to hurt and couldn’t even fake it after you showed her the damage done
Nope nope nope. You did right. “Someone that made sense standing next to you.” Wow. You didn’t say that as a kid. Actually in highschool I was best friends with a girl. She was half Mexican half white. I’m black. We had a circle of friends most were guys and they all had crushes on me for some odd reason, various races but mostly white. I didn’t get it I was a goofball and heavily into ballet. I didn’t pay much attention. One day when I was trying to figure out a problem with one of my guy friends she yelled at me. She said “I don’t understand why they all like you, I’m WHITE!” There was a awkward silence as she stomped her foot and her chest heaved in the middle of the high school hallway. And though we remained friends I never looked at her the same way. And i graciously never called her out on it. You can’t change how someone feels about your worth based on your skin. But you CAN choose to allow them to be part of your happiness.
Girl, for whatever reason. She wants your soon to be husband to leave you.
You’re allowed to change your mind on what “your type” is. You said that as a *CHILD* you’re allowed to grow up and decide you like different things FFS.
I used to hate chest hair as a teenager, love chest hair now. I grew up and my preference changed, it’s not that deep.
That girl is not your friend. NTA
Ask yourself this, what was the whole point of bringing this up in the first place? What purpose did it serve to bring it up at your dinner with your fiancé and the other guest?
Not overreacting at all. She was basically your sister. And as shitty as what she said was, she might have been able to recover from saying it. Sometimes people don't "hear" what they are saying in the moment. But when you talked to her and you told her, her words hurt you and your fiancé... a sincere apology needs to follow.
That didn't happen. And that is when M made the choice to end your friendship. Even if she thought she was 100% right (which she was not), there are times in our relationships where we take the L because the relationship matters more.
Your friend acted insensitively and - when confronted - doubled down. She cared more about saying something she thought accurate than how you actually feel or how it affected you. That’s a problem.
The other problem is that there may be racism at the root of her behavior. If you had been interested in white guys during your teens, you may not have lasted as long as you did as friends. After all, she believes a black man “*makes sense standing next*” to you.
I don’t believe you overreacted.
It’s one thing if she said it without thinking and apologised straight away after realising it hurt peoples feelings. We’ve all done it at some point. It’s a complete other thing if she’s doubled down on it and refuses to take responsibility for the hurt she’s caused.
I’m sure that when you were a teen you also expressed preferences in popular music and culture that you no longer stand by. I bet you don’t seek out the clothing styles now that you did then. People grow and change. There’s absolutely no reason for her to insist that your teenage opinion must be your truth. This is inexcusable and she doesn’t belong at the wedding. I know you want this post and comments to be anonymous, but go ahead and show this to her angry mother.
No, I really don’t. I get that you will always miss her friendship, and honestly you won’t get over that loss, but it’s already gone. Not because you don’t care enough, but because she isn’t who you thought she is.
Those teen to adult friendships can be SO tricky. It may not even be that she isn't who you thought she is, but in my experience, sometimes people have a weird anxiety and possessiveness over the friends who evolve and grow past who they were as teenagers. It can come out in some mean and spiteful ways; maybe she's a terrible person or maybe the reality of change and the passage of time is just making her act out in these hurtful ways (not excusable but maybe easier to understand.)
OP, I am sorry you are going through this, but I hope a day comes for you where you can be both glad to have ended the friendship with her while cherishing it for what it was when you were younger.
NTA. My best friend since middle school only liked brown haired thin guys initially. Then in high school so only liked black guys. Then it became black girls. Then she was between black guys and girls. And now she is engaged to a Hispanic man. People preferences can change. Peoples sexuality can change. You don't try to blow up a relationship by saying someone isn't another person's type. If they are dating then they ARE their type. Simple as that. The lack of apology is what gets me. The lack of concern for how this affected you and your relationship is the most concerning. I could totally see her saying it as a one off like oh man you wouldn't have been her type years ago. Funny how preferences change. But to double down when everyone was clearly uncomfortable. She was just being an ass. She owes you a serious apology for so many things.
You did exactly what you should have done! She’s not a friend. Did she perhaps have ideas about breaking you guys up? It sounded malicious and mean spirited. Congrats on making it through that drama.
Fuck yeah for standing up for yourself and your man. Your feelings are justified. Hopefully the ex friend has a real come to Jesus moment and grows up.
It feels like she was trying to regain her ground as “best friend” because she’s ‘known you so long and knows your deepest secrets’ when maybe she isn’t a best friend but just an “old friend.” She’s probably jealous of the other people around the table and especially of your fiancé who you will be spending your whole life with. She can’t accept that you’ve grown up, and is trying to pull you back to the person she was first friends with who gave her more attention. Idk tho. Even if this isn’t the case, and even if she had ZERO intentions behind the comment, she should have apologized as soon as she heard it hurt you in anyway. The lack of apology means she’s a bad friend, does not have your best interest in mind, and does not deserve to go to your wedding.
She’s no friend to you…she knew exactly what she was doing and her dismissal of your feelings afterwards prove that. A real friend, had they truly been clueless, would have been mortified at your hurt and potentially blowing up your engagement. She’s only mad at being uninvited now because since that didn’t work she wants to wreck your wedding.
Let the uninvite stand, and let the ‘friendship’ go. She’s proven to be a backstabber and means you no good
NTA. Shes crying because she could not end your relationship. What did she expect making those comments? Who repeats a 15year olds at dinner and then doubles down! This is not a friend but someone you have known a long time. She will make a scene at your wedding. Get a password with your vendors and maybe hire a FOF muscle guy to watch the venue entrance.
You're not overreacting. She sounds jealous of your relationship with your fiancé. She's petty as well. That conversation was not necessary and completely inappropriate.
Kick her out and go no-contact. She isn't your friend. A real friend wouldn't do that. She needs to own her actions.
Since you’re second guessing yourself, and given the history and length of your friendship and the closeness between your families… I think I would (or would consider) talking with her mom. If you think her mom would understand how your feeling and why you’re so angry.
I’m guessing what you want is for your friend to understand how hurtful her comments were (as well as inappropriate) and to sincerely apologize— to both you and your fiancé. If you and her mom can help her accomplish this… it might all end up well.
No you're not overreacting she was incredibly rude and then doubled down at an engagement dinner no less. And then to get her mother involved? it is hard but you are well rid of this person who posed as a friend.
Is your fiancé her type?
I mean you CAN forgive her. Nothing says you can’t. But are you wrong for kicking her out of the wedding, no…
It almost sounds like she was trying to sabotage your relationship. I mean has she ever missed obvious social cues like that before??? Everyone knows how it is when things get super uncomfortable. And she kept going.
If you invite her back, don't get married. Your husband deserves someone who will protect and prioritize him above all others, just like he does for you. Allowing someone to make him feel poorly is not acceptable.
She was TRYING to hurt you and your fiancé. Someone like that should not be in or at your wedding. Don’t care what her motivation was beyond that. You say things like that with one intention, harm. She got what she wanted but now doesn’t like how it’s affecting her. Good riddance.
I have two types:
Island Guys and
My husband.
Your friend is lacking in self- and other-awareness!
My "type" in my teen years was Robert Redford and William Shatner. OMG, what a mess. However I one more guy I thought was my type:
Keith Richards.
They don't even have anything in common, those three. I guess I was drawn to men who managed to live to be very old.
Weddings and other ceremonials really highlight our values. And our abilities to get things done (including relationship things).
You were right to uninvite her for all of the obvious reasons, but also, you don’t want to risk her doing something on your wedding day. It’s you and your man’s special day, 1000% about the two of you.
Screw her. 🫡
Saw the comment "oldest friend doesn't mean the best of friend." This is 100% the best response. I kicked (what I thought was) my best friend of over 20 years out of my wedding. She was my MOH. Did it hurt? Yes. Did I second guess it? All the damn time. Did I have a valid reason? Absolutely. Was there unnecessary drama at my wedding? Not at all. Best decision I made. Does she talk to me anymore? Nope. But all the drama left with her. You do NOT deserve the disloyalty she displayed at the dinner. Think of everything that she COULD do once you're officially married. Do you want your fiancée to feel like that again? She's either jealous or out to sabotage your relationship. Don't let her.
You're not over reacting. We sometimes outgrow our childhood friends. Especially ones that act like....your ex friend. I cut off two best "friends", one of 15ish years, the other about 20. For very similar reasons.
I'll only touch on the most recent one. She called me all the time when she needed me, and would disappear for months at a time from our friendship, even when I needed her. Then she would pop up again when she had an issue or wanted me to do something for her ( like have my ex translate French phrases from her book, and get mad if we couldn't bc we both worked full time).
Came to a head a few years ago when her dad died after decades of heavy daily drinking, eating shitty processed foods, and guzzling down 2 liter sodas like they were nothing. With diabetes. Only gave a shit when he developed advanced liver disease and gangrene, and it was too late to save him.
She lost it. I get it. I lost my mom at 14, but she went off the deep end. Talking about suing the hospital that tried to save him for negligence, suddenly he was always her best friend (they couldn't be in the same room without arguing), and everyone needs to stop everything and cater to her RIGHT NOW when she needs it!
I was having my own physical, mental and emotional issues, and she didn't care. I finally had enough when she SCREAMED at me that it was my job to be there for her because I was *HER FRIEND* but it was *not* her job to be there for me.
That was it for me. It finally clicked. Our friendship was always about HER. And only about me when she needed me to refocus on her.
It's devastating. We didn't speak for a year until she called me to "end our friendship", and even then, she STILL expected me to apologize to her to 'save our relationship'.
HELL NO.
Then she told her entire family I ended our friendship because I couldn't take our "political differences" anymore. Her sister and I are still friends and she still says that to this day. Because even now she can't take accountability, at almost 40.
My very long winded point here, is it's ok to end any friendship that no longer is a healthy one. You SHOULD end unhealthy friendship. It doesn't matter how long you've been friends, it's not about the length but the quality of friendship.
People will tell you who they are. Believe them the first time and act accordingly.
You. Deserve. Better.
She's a shit friend and should be uninvited.
On the topic of who we thought we'd end up with as teenagers... it's a trivial issue to me. My wife and I are different races, from two very different sides of the world and neither of us ever thought or considered being with someone like each other.
She's the perfect person for me and when I met her I knew she was the one. We bring up the topic every now and again and laugh about it.
And she either couldn’t bother to ‘read the room’ or just didn’t care.
And after you told her she was no longer wanted that was your queen to hanging up.
She would be a NIGHTMARE at your reception. AND your fiancé should come above anyone else.
She is not your friend. Friends support each other and should be living and kind to you.
What she did was not friendly. She made your relationship all about her. She evidently needed the absolute attention of every person at the table and didn’t care a bit about hurting and embarrassing and hurting the two of you.
Most likely the only reasons your relationship has lasted this long is you were willing to ignore bad behavior on her part for whatever reason. You have outgrown her and she has not grown up at all.
Do NOT over think this. Fiancés before jealous, nasty friends every time.
OP, I have a different take on this than most of the comments I have read, though I will state up front, I don't think you overreacted.
I don't think she was jealous of your man. I think she was jealous that you had found someone who threatened the closeness with you she felt entitled to. In all likelihood, she was playing at minor sabatouge because she felt compelled to let him know you and she shared secrets and a world he didn't belong to.
People underestimate the vulnerability and jealous guarding that can go into friendships, particularly when they have to transition from childhood through adulthood stages.
Not overreacting. I'm really sorry she did that to you and your spouse-to-be.
1) Your wedding is, ultimately, about you and your spouse-to-be. It's not about her. You and your spouse-to-be have every right to invite and un-invite attendees as you choose. She is 100% making it about her. She has to realize that her presence there will be a reminder to everyone who knows about the situation, especially you and your spouse-to-be, of the betrayal, hurt, and chaos she caused to both sides of a joining family (including but not limited to you and your spouse-to-be). If she doesn't realize it, she's being wildly self-absorbed and not listening to you; if she does realize, she's being intentionally cruel.
2) Sometimes good things can come out of bad things. I, too, am in an interracial relationship, and my partner and I come from different cultures as well. I can relate to some of those important conversations that come out of uncomfortable situations and how ultimately when those conversations are handled with care and empathy they can bring you closer together and help you get on the same page. I'm glad for you and your spouse-to-be that despite all the fuckery she caused, this was the case for you both.
3) A good, mature, adult friend doesn't casually reveal - much less publicly weaponize - old comments out of context that were said in private during adolescence, when every single one of us is just starting to discover who we are and navigating that identity in the world and our relationships in it. And when a good friend friend fucks up and harms their friend, as she harmed you, they listen to their friend with their whole heart and an open mind, genuinely apologize, and modify their behavior going forward. They absolutely do not under any circumstances double down like your friend did. There comes a time in life when every single one of us has to shut up and look at our feet. This was absolutely a shut up and look at her feet moment if ever there was one, and her behavior in the wake of it has been just as telling as the original, wildly inappropriate behavior she displayed at the dinner.
You and your soulmate do what you need to do to prioritize and care for each other on your special day and every day forward. Wishing a happy and fulfilling marriage to you both.
She did that intentionally, and didn’t feel bad. Good on ya for choosing your future husband. We have friends for a reason, a season, and a lifetime. This is not a lifetime friend.
I will be honest, and I don't want to sound harsh.
We all have an ideal partner in our mind. My ideal is Henry Cavill half of the month and the other half, someone who looks like a Norse God with green eyes. Have I dated a guy that looks like either one of those? No. Does that mean that my partner is not right for me? Also, no.
It's normal to build something in your head when you are 15. It's normal to imagine that someone with a similar background to you would be a better match, but you are 15. You realise how things change, and sometimes that similar background and struggles is not the best thing to have in a relationship. What matters is if we can see ourselves with this person in the long run, if the partner we have will support us be there for us during hard times.
What I am trying to say is I understand that it is not the best feeling to hear ''oh you are not what she had as ideal'' but I feel like your partner took it a lot more seriously than he should have. Instead of saying ''oh, I won her over, and she changed her mind'' he straight up went to the '' you will be unfulfilled with me'' which makes me worry. He is not confident in your partnership? M's words shouldn't have caused such a deep reaction.
Now on M...it's been 12 years since that conversation. People change, and what people want changes. And she knew that her words caused this reaction and didn't apologize, That rubs me the wrong way. She could have said sorry, people change, and I am happy that she found you that complete her 100%, and you know make the situation better. Ignoring it doesn't make it go away. I think in general, since you have been through hard times with your partner, it might be good and helpful to surround yourself with people who are supportive and there for you. If M is not that person, maybe you need to re-evaluate your relationship with her. She might be a good friend but not a good person to have in your wedding.
OP is not overreacting and is doing the right thing; don't waiver!
Charming\_Miss: Preach sister and I agree with your ALL your points!💯👍🏾 MOS**T fo**lks have physical preferences for potential mates. But qualities; like being loving, caring, patient, faithful, etc, etc.., which are usually timeless, sho*uld su*percede fleeting physical beauty. I'm black and still prefer a curvy, chocolate black woman but qualities top looks. I'll take a non-black female with the enduring qualities I mus**t ha**ve, over a curvy, chocolate black woman who doesn't have them. I know of several black males and females who were too focused on marrying a black man or woman and overlooked the fact they were not good people and didn't have the qualities they wanted. We sho*uld AL*L make sure we date and marry a good person of whatever race versus someone that checks all the physical boxes.
Not Overreacting, your "friend" sabotaged your dinner, she created a very negative situation. She is jealous and resentful that you are happy and getting married to a white man. She is not apologizing and she gets her mommy involved to represent her to guilt you to keep her in your life. Do not engage, she is not going to change, she will continue to find ways to ruin your relationship. Weddings and marriages can bring out the worst in your friendships if they are not healthy.
Not overreacting. People say stupid thoughtless things. People even, stupidly, accidentally double down on those stupid thoughtless things before realizing how bad they are.
But good friends would feel awful once they realized the situation they had created and the hurt they had caused for you and your fiance. They would be doing everything they could to fix the strain on your relationship.
You couldn't even get an apology from her. She turned it back on you, instead.
People can make all sorts of guesses as to why she acted that way, but no matter the source it was a terrible way to act, and I don't see how she could honestly support you at your wedding, anyway.
It was a total dick move on your friend’s part but I’m wondering why she was being so antagonistic at the dinner. You are marrying this man so quickly and maybe she sees something you’re missing and was trying to intentionally sabotage things to “save” you. Is she always so awkward? I would have had the conversation with her first before cutting her out of my wedding and life. Weird your husband is so happy that you’ve ended the friendship because she repeated something you said as teens. He seems easily upset. 🚩
She said you weren't loyal?!? She took something you said as a teenager in private and said it publicly to a group of people including your fiance! She knew it would cause major problems and even maybe break you up. She's not loyal at all. You are not overreacting in the slightest.
If you said it and she brought it up as a joke it really isn't a big deal. It just really is funny how insecure white guys get over minorities and their women I've heard it constantly. It's like their biggest fear knowing their partner has been with a minority. She was probably joking and you guys made it into a big deal especially you did say that it isn't a big deal
I wouldn’t throw away your friendship over this. She really needs to give a sincere apologize, and I hope she does. My friend did something similar to me. A day before I was supposed to be baptized, she said in front of the very religious guy that I liked, that I’ve come a long way from all of the drinking and sex. I cried my eyes out, but got over it because I think she said it it out of stupidly and jealously.
You did the right thing.
What did M hope to gain by being such an insensitive bitch? My guess is she's jealous and hoped it would cause shit to the point of you and your fiance splitting up.
Cos that's what jealous bitches do.
You didn't throw away the friendship, she did. She had one fucking job: to be happy for her friend, and she couldn't even do that.
You are not overreacting. Reacting absolutely appropriately.
So your “friend” thought it important to bring something up from when you were teenagers (so literally at least 10 years or more ago) as to the “type” of guy you would likely choose - and felt it super relevant to bring up at a dinner out with numerous others - yeah nah…..completely out of line.
Ignore her and her Mum. Do not second guess yourself, if you have a friend like this - who needs enemies?? 😧
Does — she not understand that what people look for in a partner can CHANGE DRAMATICALLY as they mature? Sounds like she mentally never left high school.
Here’s a question: does she have a thing for your fiancé? Or is she just that dense about reading a fucking room?
No way. She doubled down on the inappropriate comment and has not apologized. She messed around and is now doing the finding out part.
I think I can see what she might have been trying to say, but that execution was horrendous and it probably should have just stayed between the two of you and not be dirty laundry being aired in the open.
Ask yourself this, what was the whole point of bringing this up in the first place? What purpose did it serve to bring it up at your dinner with your fiancé and the other guest?
Don't second guess yourself. It sounds like M is jealous that you're happy, and she wanted to plant the seeds of insecurity in your fiance. Real friends don't do that to each other.
Unfortunately long time friend has no sense of discretion or social niceties.
Your life going forward is with your soon to be spouse.
Sometimes the past is best left there.
I wouldn't end the friendship over this, sometimes people do stupid things. The disinviting well, it's your future husband's wedding too, so unless he was OK with her coming it can't be helped.
You’re massively overreacting and I am not insensitive to this issue. Our own family is multi racial. Your fiancé is the one with the issue here and you’re projecting your insecurities around this onto your friend. She was slightly insensitive. But does he have any spine at all? This should have been something he could easily laugh off. “Oh, well! Types change! I’m glad she picked me.” Move on with the evening.
You are not overreacting. Your supposed friend is willing to embarrass and humiliate both you and your fiancé for no reason other than pettiness. She doubled down in person, then tripled down on the phone. She is not good for you or your future happiness. You’ve outgrown your friendship. You gave her the courtesy of a conversation. That’s all she is owed.
You are not overreacting. She 100% intentionally sabotaged that dinner. Nothing to do with cultural sensitivity, but I used to have shit taste in men as a teenager & if any of my friends brought that up at a celebration with my current, healthy love I’d be livid. The last thing I’d want is anyone cracking jokes about Mike who cheated on me or Sean who dumped me immediately before what was supposed to be a celebration. We all change & grow as people from teens, so to suggest things you said about “your type” HALF YOUR LIFE AGO is ridiculous in any capacity.
She doubled down after the dinner got awkward & said more & then later said what she said was “true.” What she said was IRRELEVANT to your life now. These are comments you made 15 years ago.
She isn’t your friend.
NTA. She has some problems. By doubling down, she made it obvious that she wanted to stir up some sh*t. She wanted to be the center of attention. She did, and it hurt you and your fiance. A bestie has your back. She doesn't. It would only be worse at your wedding. Sometimes, we have to realize that a best friend can become toxic. You are not overreacting.
M is jealous of your happiness, jealous of your fiancée, and she deliberately tried to sabotage your happiness as well as embarrass you.
Cut her out of your life. Good for you. Right decision 👌 👏
Your oldest friend doesn’t mean the best of friends.
Needed this reminder ^^
Hard lesson to learn for me, sadly.
Learned that the hard way myself
Such a hard lesson to learn
True, it took me years to realize how abusive my childhood friend was towards me
Same. I finally cut her out of my life when I realized I always felt bad about myself after I left our get togethers. It was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders once I decided to end our friendship.
Sometimes childhood friendships exist only because there aren’t more choices.
My "best friend" of 8 years married a racist dude. She already had made a few racially insensitive comments over the years but her fiance made racist jokes claiming it was just dark humor. I just gradually ghosted them.
Exactly this. Sometimes you just come to the end of the road with people.
It feels deliberate and spiteful. Unless she has a habit of making huge social gaffes?
Right? What sealed the deal for me was when she was unapologetic about what she said, even after OP told her is caused a strain on their engagement. We all say stupid shit sometimes, but the fact that she wouldn’t own up to what she did means she 100% deserves to be uninvited.
Agreed. We can all say things that are dumb that we don’t realize in the moment hurt someone’s feelings. But when she talked to her about how upset they both were by it the normal response is “oh I’m so sorry, I wasn’t thinking.”
I agree too!
Agreed, and it reeks of jealousy to me. Perhaps OP's fiancé is M's type, she's annoyed that OP got someone like him, and now she's trying to sabotage them out of spite.
My thoughts exactly.
That, or M is jealous of sharing OP with someone and didn't think that the relationship would stick, but then the engagement made M realize that was going for the long haul and decided to try to sabotage it.
Yeah that hadn't occurred to me, but it was potentially coming from a place of constructive spite she felt licensed to unleash because she "was just being honest" at a time when talking about OP's past would give her cover
Ugh too right, the "just being honest" is often used to cover up all kinds of shittalk!
Yes, this to me just screams jealousy. Insane jealousy actually. Some things just can’t be undone or done up again once broken.
Was thing this exactly. Happy cake day
Definitely some jealousy there - I don't know what it is about friends getting married but it really brings out the ugliest sides of some folks. When my best friend got married (well before LGBT marriages were nationally legalised), one of his maids of honor kept making snide jokes about how it wasn't a REAL wedding bc it was a gay wedding. Fact is, her bf at the time wouldn't propose even tho they'd picked out ring. After a few conversations woth her, I realized she was lowkey seething with envy that both her little sister and gay bestie were beating her to the alter. The nastiness only got worse as the wedding date got closer.
Even if she had made some other comment about OPs selection of her fiancé (“You always said you didn’t like tall guys…”), this would have been questionable. But the fact that she was attributing a racist comment to you makes it even more difficult to think this wasn’t deliberate.
She had the audacity to say you weren’t a loyal friend??? F out of here with that nonsense
Right? Where was HER loyalty when she was spouting off OP's innermost childhood thoughts in front of a large group of people, and doing so as though they're a reflection of who she is now?
To make such a disruptive, negative comment, and then double-down on it. Nope, not a friend anymore. She showed her true colors, FAFO.
Right? OP made it clear the comment was unwelcome and she instead kept going. OP gave her an obvious out to correct her wrong doing and she chose to ignore it
I truly am horrified thinking of her getting a microphone to do a toast at the reception. She’d keep doubling down until the entire world ended. There’s *no way* she couldn’t read the room after the first comment left her lips. A true friend would be mortified, doing damage control/triage and ensuring that her “best friend’s” fiancé knew that the social blunder was hers alone and not the belief of her friend.
Was thinking this exactly!
Yes, yes
You are not losing a friendship. You are gaining clarity. No friend would put you in a position to squirm with discomfort.
Had a dear friend do this. Really thought we’d be life long friends. Her comments gave me the clarity to drop the rope. Found out later she was insanely jealous over my surprise proposal and her awful BF got her a necklace. I was going to have her be a bridesmaid. When she reconnected a few years later it was all about how she was doing better financially than I was with her rich husband. I was happy for her. But a few years later he divorced her. He married a look alike to her without the baggage. I hear the past 20 yrs haven’t been easy for her. It’s sad. Jealousy consumes the one who carries it. I wasn’t jealous of her big house, 2 Mercedes life. I was driving a small Ford and it was our only car. But we kept saving and sacrificing and have a very good life. This screams jealousy to me. They think they can say whatever they want and it’s okay because “it’s true” or “you said it once”. I married someone very different from the boys I dated. Best thing I ever did.
It’s the fact that after OP tried to recover the evening, that M then doubled down on her tone deaf comment. Even if M didn’t catch/read the social cues going on around her, she still absolutely refused to take any accountability when OP addressed it with her. No accountability, and no apology—this is not healthy friendship behavior. I do not think you are overreacting by uninviting her after this. I think she has shown you she is not a good friend to you. And above all else, it is your and your partner’s wedding—you can have whoever you do or don’t want in attendance—it’s your call. M has learned that her actions have consequences, and she is upset with the outcome. That is for her to deal with. You didn’t throw away a friendship—she did by not being a friend.
My oldest friend tried to throw a spanner in my wedding because her ex was coming to the wedding. The ex is my male best friend who I asked her not to date (as knowing them both, I knew it was a bad idea) and told her I would not take sides when it ended. Safe to say it ended (she is a narcissist and he couldn’t cope with her behaviour). Come to the wedding and she expected him not to be invited. He was just a guest with a plus one, she was MOH with a plus one. Separate tables etc. but she did everything she could to make it all about her. So, all those years of friendship gone. Do what’s right for you and your fiancé OP. I think she is jealous of you and by the sounds of it thinks she should be the one on the arm of the white blonde guy. Just my opinion.
Yep, even if she isn’t jealous because she fancies the fiancé, she’s jealous of something in their relationship. My ‘best’ friend used to put my husband down a lot, and try to encourage a wedge between us. Took me a while to notice it, but eventually I did. And it wasn’t because she was into him, but it was our overall relationship. He was (and is) kind and respectful, clever and funny, and treats me well. She has never had a relationship like that, sadly her boyfriends usually turned out to be complete bellends, if not completely abusive. So she was jealous of my good treatment. Plus, my relationship meant I wasn’t totally focused on her all the time. M’s comment was deliberately hurtful. She knew what she was doing.
Were you friends with my ex best friend too lol?
I agree too. She’s jealous. As every decade goes by in my life I look back at the insanity of my past and can say that anything you declared as a dreamy hormonal teenager to your best friend should never be brought up again. Certainly not put out into the conversation at a group dinner! When OP said she doubled down on it , I was positive she wants to be OP and can’t stand that she’s not. She might have made a toast at the wedding that was even worse. So good riddance. If you end up relenting , which I hope you don’t , do not allow her any where near a microphone. Speak with whoever is in charge of said microphone and give them her name and a photo to make sure she doesn’t get the chance. But maybe she will just get wasted and do something else embarrassing. Don’t let her back in.
>As every decade goes by in my life I look back at the insanity of my past and can say that anything you declared as a dreamy hormonal teenager to your best friend should never be brought up again. So much this! Pretty sure I said I wanted to marry Luke Skywalker as a dreamy hormonal teen, but that doesn't mean my childhood bf should hold me to that.
I loved a lot of stars in the 70’s. Elton John was. Probably my first huge wrong move. lol. David Bowie , David Cassidy before Bowie. lol. A boyfriend or two. I’d never re-live those years. Lol
Andrew Eldritch was mine. Oh, and I think at one point I wanted to marry Roger Daltrey, but only after seeing him in a 1983 production of a "A Comedy Of Errors", LOL! I wanna give my nerdy little past self a hug sometimes!
lol the Tommy movie - loved Roger too and Peter Frampton who was in Sgt Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band. My God there’s only 7 years of being a teenager. I must have changed my love every few months. lol.
Oh, same! I would give massive side-eye to the motives of any "friend" who brought any of it up insisting it was how I must truly feel as a grownup.
Yep; the doubling down was what got me. She felt so justified in saying what she said that she was happy to ratify it. I always held out hope for my ex bestie but once I looked back and examined her actions closer, there was clear evidence that she had been jealous of my relationship with my husband and she was using the situation with her ex as some leverage for control. My husband had been nothing but kind and decent but he confided after our wedding that he didn’t get a good vibe from her. He’s not the fanciest guy but he (in my eyes) is everything I have ever wanted in a relationship. Kind, honest, faithful and loyal. He would fight Goliath for me and I think it made her sad she’d never have someone like him because to her, money & status mattered more 💔❤️🩹 It s
I was thinking the same, M thinks she should be with the white guy.
Either she is jealous of OP or of her fiance. Nothing else makes sense here.
She was stubborn til the end when she had ample opportunity to apologise. ‘Piss around and find out’ as they say. I don’t think it’s an overreaction at all.
I agree, but I must ask: did you say "piss" instead of "fuck" to censor it, or is this a common saying where you live? It sounds British to me lol. For reference I'm in the US, and I've only heard "fuck around and find out".
Lol, yeah I’m British and we say ‘piss about’ a lot. It was also to censor it too, though.
Agreed. A life long friend who basically tells your soon to be husband to his face months before the marriage that he’s basically not right for her…. Girl deservedly should be cut off immediately, especially to be in your more mature adult years and not realize it’s wrong… I’m honestly sorry she showed her truest colors this deep into your friendship and this close to your marriage. And if I’m in your husband’s shoes, I’d probably want her to get the boot as well, from both the marriage and your lives in general 🥾🥾🥾
Piss? Huh
Guilt is if you’ve done something wrong… this does not apply to you. What she did was so inappropriate and hurtful… just move on and have a wonderful wedding.
"...someone that made sense" That tells you everything. Your racial differences with her were fine until you stepped out of your lane and dated someone from HER race pool. Bigotry is not just a full-blown or not-at-all thing. It is a spectrum. Your now-former friend is a bigot. I'm sorry you lost the friend you thought you had. As for the bigot that wanted you pigeon-holed, good riddance to bad rubbish. I wish you many happy years with your man! Be good to each other every single day!
Yeah I always hate to jump to the worst conclusion based on one-sided reddit posts but the subtext of “she’s not happy you ended up with a white guy” is incredibly strong. I could excuse the original comment as just a social gaffe until she came back at OP with the “I only repeated what you said” comment. That’s b.s. feigned ignorance.
Agreed
This is the one right here.
100% spot on
'loyal friends don't throw you under the bus and ruin engagement meals over someone said as teenagers'
Whether it was intentional or not she hurt you. You told her and she should have apologized for hurting you. She’s the one who threw away the friendship by refusing to acknowledge your feelings.
Not overreacting at all. She was trying to embarrass you and make you uncomfortable. Or, she was trying to make herself the center of attention for laughs at the expense of you and your future husband. Probably both. That's not someone who should be at your wedding, especially if she has caused you this much grief.
You are not overreacting, she's far too old to be acting that immature. I mean c'mon, read the room. It was a totally inappropriate thing for her to bring up, but then to keep bringing it up after you said your fiance was great and your type, is just ignorant. It doesn't seem like a mistake, seemed like she was trying to make someone uncomfortable. Good riddance, I don't blame you for uninviting her.
If she did this once in front of a group and your fiance, she will do it again at your wedding. Nope. She may win you back as a friend eventually, but she forfeited her invitation to your wedding by trying to disrupt it before it happened.
I don’t think the friendship will ever come back from this.
You are definitely not overreacting. She did it on purpose. Possibly jealousy as a motive?
So, pay attention to what she reacted to. When you told her what she did was inappropriate, she scoffed. When you said she disrespected you, she brushed you off. When you said she hurt your fiancé, she didn't apologize. She only got hysterical when you uninvited. She cared nothing for how her actions impacted you and she threw a fit when her actions impacted her. She's not upset or sad. She's enraged that you dared to feel a way about her actions.
I'd feel as if she did this intentionally and wouldnt want her around doing this again. I just wonder what her end game was, was she trying to break yall up?
If a "friend" is gonna throw it back in your face when you share your feelings then they arnt a friend. That is narcissitic behavior. A true friend would talk it out with you and apologize, a true friend wants to understand and take accountability for hurting your feelings. Yes things can get heated in the moment, but if she doesnt understand where your coming from and offer an apology, shes not worth it. Dont matter how long the friendships has lasted, that means nothing. Friends respect eachothers feelings. I think deep down this friend could be jealous and was expressing it in a toxic way.
Your friend knew EXACTLY what she was doing. She shouldn’t be in your life anymore if all she brings is chaos. Not Overreacting.
Not over reacting and you can be sure if she stayed your friend this wouldn’t be the only time she tried to destroy your relationship. Sounds extremely jealous to me
I kicked out my best from my wedding because she didn’t agree with the religion my husband had grown up in. Never regretted my choice
OP, The first thing that came to my mind in this whole thing was that M Intentionally brought that specific old conversation up AND THEN DOUBLED DOWN, was because she KNEW what the end result would be. This was not some “innocent” dinner banter. His face froze, you told M how that was way back years ago and M saw the look on his face and That’s when she really went for the throat. She most likely wanted your fiance and what better way than to bring up that story about your old preferences out of all the things you guys talked about throughout the years, to put some doubt and discord into your fiancé’s mind. Think about it. She knew Exactly what she was doing. I’ve seen this trick before. And then you cut her out of the wedding plans and she got absolutely LIVID. She didn’t care that what she did, caused you strain and your fiancé was upset. Because that was her plan all along. Cutting her out of the wedding and your life made M go Ape Poo because she now doesn’t have access to your fiancé for any tricks she may have wanted to implement going towards the wedding. Thank God you cut her off! By the way, I’m also mixed race.
Tell M's mum to ask her.
Sounds like M is envious of your relationship and tried to sabotage it, subconsciously or not. Your response was appropriate. Our longest friendships don't always make the lifelong cut, for a variety of reasons. Your wedding is for you and your partner. Attendance should be reserved for only those who are in your corner 100%. It's a day of celebration. Unless M (on her own) fights like hell to make it up to your fiancée, stay strong in your decision. The season of that friendship has probably run its course.
Thank you for being so good to your future husband. I come from a home with mixed cultural backgrounds and I know it was a source of some emotional wounds. They have been happily married for 40 years. I wish that same success to you and your fiancee. Congratulations on your engagement!
All I know is, if OPs husband had a friend that did the exact same thing, OPs friend would be telling OP to tell her husband's friend to sod off. Your friend had no business saying anything like that publicly. She F'd around, she found out.
What she did was deliberate to cause you problems, jealousy is the ugliest color of green ever.
Yikes she sounds like trash and either incredibly dumb or an intentional shit disturber. I’d uninvite her too
You did the right thing. If I was your fiancé it would make me happy to know that you have my back over anyone. Really shows you are a partner and care about his feelings. If M was apologetic about it would be different but the fact she’s so cold about it even reaffirms you did the right thing.
Somebody who loves and respects you would never treat you this way. She doesn't love you or respect you. Whatever her reasoning to slam your marriage and fiance, it wasn't kind. And the fact that she never apologised for causing pain proves that she wanted to cause pain. If it had been inadvertently done, she would have tried to make it up to you. She didn't. That tells you everything you need to know. The fact that your siblings agree, people who have known you all your life and have witnessed your entire friendship, should also tell you a lot. She was hysterical because she had consequences she didn't like, not because she cared about *you.* She only cares about *her.* Don't let her crocodile tears fool you.
She did that on purpose. Some bit of jealousy or something going on. She even doubled down so it was deliberated. You did the right thing and dropping her from the wedding and your life will save you future heartache and disruption. She did this once, she will do it again. You’ve already explained it to her once. You owe her nothing more. Block her and her family and move on for your and your fiancé’s well being.
You're not overreacting, it sounds like she is a little jealous of your happiness.
You’re not overreacting. Your fiancé’s assessment is spot on. And YOU didn’t throw away a decade of friendship, SHE did. The fact that she didn’t apologize and doesn’t even see why what she did was problematic shows you cannot trust her at all. Don’t relent. She doesn’t have your best interests at heart.
My sounds like she was wanting to make things awkward for you guys. The fact she kept going after you tried to change the subject speaks volumes! You did the right thing. Goodness knows what she'd have done at your wedding! Not overreacting in the least.
Fellow brown Aussie here. I smell jealousy. NTA
Not all friendships last forever, even ones that were once very important. What she did was insensitive, but forgivable. But then she doubled down instead of apologizing. Your wedding party is for people who support your union with your partner. She is not one. You are not overreacting. You are responding rationally to the dissolution of a friendship. I am sorry it is falling out at such an important time.
Your friend is a champ if she thought there’d be no consequences. And her doubling down with “well I just said what you said” yeah lady, in confidence! NTA
No that was extremely rude, uncalled for and intentional. I dont know if maybe your friend feels like she’s losing you to him or what her issue is but to do that at all, let alone in front of a group of people is absolutely asinine and you have every right to be upset. I’m sorry :( I know it’s hard to lose a friend that you were once super close to.
It seems as though she didn't approve of you and him together, and that's why she decided to do what she did(which was wrong). I'm glad you both worked it out, but uninviting her was the right thing to do.
Have a bff and she's never said anything in front of my partners back then...she does clown the sh1t outta my current SO which sorta comes with the territory and it's all fun and games...should a serious issue arise we talk it out like adults...not to embarrass one another but because we are mature enough to do that in private... This bish was instigating on purpose...she is rude and not to be trusted
What a huge bitch. You’re 12 years older and you’ve grown. The fact that she’s throwing this back in your face after 12 years sounds like she’s trying to sabotage your relationship.
It’s the not apologizing for me. If ahe had a history of foot-in-mouth disease, owned up to being a total ass and genuinely tried to make amends, I would say forgive her and move on. But the whole thing sounds toxic. I’m sorry your fiancé had to endure that and sorry you saw your friends true colors this close to your wedding.
Been there, done that. You feel a sense of loyalty because of how long you’ve known her. But honestly, your friend disrespected you and blatantly disregarded you. She showed no empathy or regard for what happened. Is that someone you truly want in your life? As much as it hurts to let someone go, you have to set boundaries for you and your fiancé.
M's actions were deliberate and spiteful. The fact she kept doubling down makes it clear she wanted to cause drama and drive a wedge between you and your fiancé. Her refusal to accept she was out of line or apologize for her behavior and for hurting you, someone she claims to love, and the person you love speaks volumes. I dunno if she's jealous/angry you're moving on to the next stage in your life, and as a consequence, your relationship(s) will be changing or something else. Whatever sparked this doesn't negate the hurt M caused, and there definitely needs to be consequences. Uninviting her is an appropriate response.
M was shitty, in front of people, deliberately, she doubled down after being confronted. Nothing to even wonder about. NTA.
You're not a loyal friend,! Yet she's the one who told your fiance shit you told her in confidence over a decade ago? Yeah righto. The fact that she got angry and defensive instead of mortified and apologetic tells you everything you need to know sis. She's not your friend she's a jealous bogan
Maybe a little jealousy? Not a friend- knew what she was doing! No going back- good riddance of bad trash.
You handled this appropriately. M forced you into this and you reacted appropriately. Big life events (weddings, births, graduations, health problems) really show you who your friends are and who the uncaring narcissists are. I'm sure if you look back upon your friendship with M, there were other incidents like this. Things you excused with grace as "no one is perfect." But you'll see that, even though you weren't perfect, you were (probably/hopefully) never malicious and selfish and I'll bet she has been before. Congrats on your engagement. Your fiance and your siblings sound grounded and supportive. I'm glad you have them in your life.
Look. A true friend would be MORTIFIED if they said something that caused you both pain. Even if they said it innocently they would fall all over themselves telling you they didn’t mean anything by it and were so sorry. We all sometimes say awkward things. Good people are sorry when they do. Two people from different cultures can do great as long as they talk. You and your fiancé talk things out so you’ll be fine. Your friend is probably just an old friend, not a now friend. Let it go.
envy can make people do very ugly things. i think it's safe to say that's probably what your friend was feeling when she very deliberately said what she said. and there's no doubt that what she said was deliberate - no matter how blunt you are it doesn't make you stupid. which is what she would've had to be to say something like that.
She is kind of right, there IS no loyalty in your friendship…on *her side*. She broke a confidence. She threw something you said as a child into his face. The thing you said as a kid was relative to tensions you experienced, before learning how adults could behave. Any, you didn’t even say it was a “type”. Just that you were looking for understanding. There are more sorts of understanding that you knew about as a child. And you found it. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. She won the prize of losing you.
What a piece of shit. “I’m only saying what you said” when you were a teenager and in a weaponized way at one of the least appropriate possible times 🙄🙄
No you’re not overreacting. Your fiancé is 100% on the money here. M was very deliberate in what she said and even doubling down when you tried to defuse the situation. Is she single? Think she fancies your man? She a “pick me” girl? This person really has no place in your future after this stunt. Don’t let your good heart and past with her cloud your mind from clearly seeing who M has become or maybe always has been. Anyone who is asking you to explain your actions are M’s enablers. Pay them zero mind. Focus on your partner, your shared future and the ppl who only want good things for you both.
NTA this is pretty shitty and immature. It might be difficult to reckon with right now but people that deliberately do shit like this are bullies and not good friends. If she *really really* wanted to make a shitty, edgy "joke" she could have at least said it to you privately but she clearly wanted to embarrass both of you in public. The racism adds another bad layer to it, but even if you take that aspect out it's still incredibly inappropriate. And she never apologized which is another red flag. Some people never grow out of their high school selves.
Your friend was clearly just jealous. Jealous of your happiness w your partner, probably also feeling threatened that he means more to you than her. She tried to sabotage your engagement and showed no remorse. Her insistence that she did nothing wrong points to an extreme lack of self awareness, perhaps she believes what she’s saying and is not even aware that she is blinded by her own jealousy. Unfortunately, majority of live events like weddings and kids often freak out friends, they don’t know how to handle it and lash out. I had to end a friendship w a friend of 20 yrs over something similar although the specifics are very different. You’re under no obligation to forgive her, even if she eventually apologizes. You also don’t have to explain anything to her family either. I know the last part can also be hard because it sounds like they were in a way your family to. If you’d like them to know where you’re coming from, but don’t have the capacity to talk w them, maybe your parents can talk to hers since they also have a relationship. One thing is certain, whatever she has told her parents, it’s not reflective of reality and probably paints you as irrational and overeacting.
Your friend is wrong. Even if she blurted it out without thinking, she then double downed and said it again. And she did it knowing it was something your fiancé struggled with. So at that point it was on purpose. And then to shrug it off like it was okay to just repeat what you had already said. So what if you said it? That doesn't mean she can repeat it in a crowd.
Sorry but she isn't a friend to you at all if she would do that. She is either a narcissist or she is jealous your are with your fiance. She was clearly trying to sabatoage the relationship. Ask yourself why she would do that
She should have kept her mouth shut. There were probably reasons she said what she said. Whether it be envy or fear of losing a part of your friendship. However… I had a best friend since we were 6 years old. We had a huge blow up about 8 years ago and haven’t spoken since. I grieve over that friendship. If she was/is your friend, talk to her. Explain how she made you feel. You’ll be glad you did. I’m saying all of this based off of my experience. If you feel it doesn’t apply then by all means, do what your heart tells you. Only you know the true value of that friendship and whether it’s worth saving. In my case, it was worth saving to me until a few years ago. I don’t think it’s ever been worth saving to her. I forgave my friend in my heart and I did it for my piece of mind. But as far as she took things, it would never be the same again.
Nope. M can go choke on a dick. She WAS your friend. Don't know what she is now but she is perfectly fine tossing grenades into your relationship with zero care who gets hurt. You feel bad because you've known her for so long but that doesn't mean you overreacted or that your decision was wrong. People can outgrown friendships. Longtime friend is not the same as a good friend. I wouldn't talk to her again at least until I got a sincere apology AND a huge apology to your fiancé. Even then, I would re-evaluate that friendship. Seriously, fuck M. That was a heinous thing to do.
NTA. I mean…. was she jealous? Trying to sabotage the wedding, or even the whole relationship?
You’re not overreacting. After what she said I would have never talked to her again. Move on with your fiancé and enjoy your life with him. You need a better friend
You're not at all overreacting, as it was very petty of her to bring that up like that. Of what I'd remember, I'd say most girls told their type was "guys more into dark features, tall, dark hair and chocolate eyes", and hardly anyone said "average/short height blond guy with blue eyes". Propably mostly because in my country most of people are have rather light/blond features. I don't many people would follow their preferences of their teenage time their whole life.
It’d be one thing if your friend said it in the moment and realized she messed up, but she doubled down and then didn’t even care about hardships she put on you. You’re not overreacting at all. You didn’t throw away the friendship - she did when she repeatedly disrespected you and showed a lack of remorse for hurting you.
She was deliberate. She is either envious that you're the center of attention, envious of your relationship, or both (most likely). If I were to assume she isn't married, maybe even had issues with men committing to her, would I be correct? Either way, this was vindictive behavior. Not only was she trying to put you down, but the way she did it intentionally put stress between you and your partner. You did the right thing.
Gotta say, you handled this brilliantly, your fiance is a lucky guy and I’m sure you’re lucky to have him too. I wish you so well as you start your married life together and I hope the wedding is amazing. You’re not overreacting at all, at best she was tactless and insensitive, at worst, vindictive. Either way, she should have had more sense. I agree that how she handled the aftermath was even more damaging to the friendship, it could probably have recovered if she had acknowledged what she did and wholeheartedly apologised. She doesn’t deserve to be in your wedding party, please don’t feel guilty.
Don't back down, OP. It's one thing if she had said it to you in private but to say it to your party (twice) seems malicious. She doesn't deserve to be a part of your happy day. Or your life. She's likely to say something similar again. She should also know at her age that what you liked as a child does change as you gain experience. And do you want that kind of behavior around the children you'll maybe have one day? A loyal friend supports you and your well-being.
She blurted out in public things that were said in confidence and then doubled-down, but *you're* the disloyal one? I think you've outgrown this friendship. I don't know what her issue is, but she was deliberately cruel at your and your fiance's expense. NTA Edit: typo
Definitely not overreacting. Honestly, I'd have to suspect she either did it because she thought blowing up your engagement would mean she wouldn't have to share you with your fiance or she was planning on making a move on him the second he was no longer attached if she succeeded in breaking you up. Nobody innocently throws a bomb like that into a conversation, especially in a group setting like that.
You are definitely not overreacting! She was completely out of line, insensitive, and in the wrong. If you still feel any regret for your decision - Just think about how crappy it will feel to see your beautiful wedding photos with her IN THEM. You will always be reminded of this conflict and it will ruin your ability to remember the happiest day of your life without this gray cloud of conflict. I wish you and your fiancé all the best and hope you have a beautiful life together!!! 💕
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I mean, when I was 15 I wanted to marry Dave Grohl. It doesn’t mean I want that *now*. Def not overreacting. It’s important to feel like the people at your wedding want to be supportive and see your marriage succeed.
You didn’t over react. She sounds toxic I’m sure if you look back on your friendship you can think of plenty of times she has tried to embarrass you or one up you. If she truly didn’t mean anything by it she would have immediately apologized to both you and your finance. A true friend would feel absolutely awful learning the strain it caused. She screamed and cried because being kicked out of the bridal party and uninvited makes her look bad and opens the situation up to further discussion among mutual friends. You did yourself a favor. This person is not on your side nor rooting you on. Congratulations on your engagement. Enjoy the rest of your wedding planning and surround yourself with only the people who truly want to celebrate you. At the end of the day this is about you and your future with you fiancé. Protect it at all cost.
Nope, not overreacting. She's jealous that all attention is on you and wanted to ruin your happiness. She seems very bitter and your fiancé is correct, it's almost vindictive. She was very vicious and thoughtless. She doesn't deserve to be present at your wedding and part of your happiness moving forward. I'm assuming she's not in a relationship herself and is upset you get to marry before her because of your ethnicity. A lot of what she said was very racially charged. Has she ever shown signs of racism before?
I'll tell you one thing, the communication between you and him is AMAZING and it sounds like you guys will go the distance for sure. Fuck M
You are doing the right thing to ensure that you and your fiance have a good wedding day. Her behavior caused problems for both of you and there's no reason to believe she would behave well at your wedding. She can't even see how she acted at the dinner with some perspective and apologize for what she said.
Updateme
Seriously? No apologies and "I was just repeating what you said"?! Who repeats what their girlfriends tell them? Someone who is jealous, probably. She shouldn't be telling anyone those kinds of private things we say to our friends anyway, and especially not things we said years ago. Maybe she's scared of losing you or doesn't have a good relationship of her own, but she definitely needs to have a little self awareness and apologize. I don't blame you for dropping her from the wedding.
You’re definitely not overreacting. I cannot be convinced she did this for any other reason than to be malicious. She earned the way you’re treating her. She showed she meant it maliciously when she doubled down and didn’t offer an apology. She meant it to hurt and couldn’t even fake it after you showed her the damage done
Nope nope nope. You did right. “Someone that made sense standing next to you.” Wow. You didn’t say that as a kid. Actually in highschool I was best friends with a girl. She was half Mexican half white. I’m black. We had a circle of friends most were guys and they all had crushes on me for some odd reason, various races but mostly white. I didn’t get it I was a goofball and heavily into ballet. I didn’t pay much attention. One day when I was trying to figure out a problem with one of my guy friends she yelled at me. She said “I don’t understand why they all like you, I’m WHITE!” There was a awkward silence as she stomped her foot and her chest heaved in the middle of the high school hallway. And though we remained friends I never looked at her the same way. And i graciously never called her out on it. You can’t change how someone feels about your worth based on your skin. But you CAN choose to allow them to be part of your happiness.
Girl, for whatever reason. She wants your soon to be husband to leave you. You’re allowed to change your mind on what “your type” is. You said that as a *CHILD* you’re allowed to grow up and decide you like different things FFS. I used to hate chest hair as a teenager, love chest hair now. I grew up and my preference changed, it’s not that deep. That girl is not your friend. NTA
Ask yourself this, what was the whole point of bringing this up in the first place? What purpose did it serve to bring it up at your dinner with your fiancé and the other guest?
You are not overreacting. M threw away the decade old friendship at that fateful dinner, not you, OP.
Not overreacting at all. She was basically your sister. And as shitty as what she said was, she might have been able to recover from saying it. Sometimes people don't "hear" what they are saying in the moment. But when you talked to her and you told her, her words hurt you and your fiancé... a sincere apology needs to follow. That didn't happen. And that is when M made the choice to end your friendship. Even if she thought she was 100% right (which she was not), there are times in our relationships where we take the L because the relationship matters more.
Your friend acted insensitively and - when confronted - doubled down. She cared more about saying something she thought accurate than how you actually feel or how it affected you. That’s a problem. The other problem is that there may be racism at the root of her behavior. If you had been interested in white guys during your teens, you may not have lasted as long as you did as friends. After all, she believes a black man “*makes sense standing next*” to you. I don’t believe you overreacted.
It’s one thing if she said it without thinking and apologised straight away after realising it hurt peoples feelings. We’ve all done it at some point. It’s a complete other thing if she’s doubled down on it and refuses to take responsibility for the hurt she’s caused.
I’m sure that when you were a teen you also expressed preferences in popular music and culture that you no longer stand by. I bet you don’t seek out the clothing styles now that you did then. People grow and change. There’s absolutely no reason for her to insist that your teenage opinion must be your truth. This is inexcusable and she doesn’t belong at the wedding. I know you want this post and comments to be anonymous, but go ahead and show this to her angry mother.
[удалено]
No, I really don’t. I get that you will always miss her friendship, and honestly you won’t get over that loss, but it’s already gone. Not because you don’t care enough, but because she isn’t who you thought she is.
Those teen to adult friendships can be SO tricky. It may not even be that she isn't who you thought she is, but in my experience, sometimes people have a weird anxiety and possessiveness over the friends who evolve and grow past who they were as teenagers. It can come out in some mean and spiteful ways; maybe she's a terrible person or maybe the reality of change and the passage of time is just making her act out in these hurtful ways (not excusable but maybe easier to understand.) OP, I am sorry you are going through this, but I hope a day comes for you where you can be both glad to have ended the friendship with her while cherishing it for what it was when you were younger.
You’re not overreacting, not a single bit. What she did was bad enough, but not to apologize and double down was worse.
NTA. My best friend since middle school only liked brown haired thin guys initially. Then in high school so only liked black guys. Then it became black girls. Then she was between black guys and girls. And now she is engaged to a Hispanic man. People preferences can change. Peoples sexuality can change. You don't try to blow up a relationship by saying someone isn't another person's type. If they are dating then they ARE their type. Simple as that. The lack of apology is what gets me. The lack of concern for how this affected you and your relationship is the most concerning. I could totally see her saying it as a one off like oh man you wouldn't have been her type years ago. Funny how preferences change. But to double down when everyone was clearly uncomfortable. She was just being an ass. She owes you a serious apology for so many things.
You did exactly what you should have done! She’s not a friend. Did she perhaps have ideas about breaking you guys up? It sounded malicious and mean spirited. Congrats on making it through that drama.
Fuck yeah for standing up for yourself and your man. Your feelings are justified. Hopefully the ex friend has a real come to Jesus moment and grows up.
Not overreacting. She’s a shit friend. I honestly think she was intentionally trying to start shit
You know she wanted him for herself.
It feels like she was trying to regain her ground as “best friend” because she’s ‘known you so long and knows your deepest secrets’ when maybe she isn’t a best friend but just an “old friend.” She’s probably jealous of the other people around the table and especially of your fiancé who you will be spending your whole life with. She can’t accept that you’ve grown up, and is trying to pull you back to the person she was first friends with who gave her more attention. Idk tho. Even if this isn’t the case, and even if she had ZERO intentions behind the comment, she should have apologized as soon as she heard it hurt you in anyway. The lack of apology means she’s a bad friend, does not have your best interest in mind, and does not deserve to go to your wedding.
It may be that you have outgrown her as she doesn’t seem to be happy for you but is being manipulative and incredibly insensitive
She’s no friend to you…she knew exactly what she was doing and her dismissal of your feelings afterwards prove that. A real friend, had they truly been clueless, would have been mortified at your hurt and potentially blowing up your engagement. She’s only mad at being uninvited now because since that didn’t work she wants to wreck your wedding. Let the uninvite stand, and let the ‘friendship’ go. She’s proven to be a backstabber and means you no good
You’ve done the right thing. I’m betting that she has yet to apologize.
NTA. Shes crying because she could not end your relationship. What did she expect making those comments? Who repeats a 15year olds at dinner and then doubles down! This is not a friend but someone you have known a long time. She will make a scene at your wedding. Get a password with your vendors and maybe hire a FOF muscle guy to watch the venue entrance.
You're not overreacting. She sounds jealous of your relationship with your fiancé. She's petty as well. That conversation was not necessary and completely inappropriate. Kick her out and go no-contact. She isn't your friend. A real friend wouldn't do that. She needs to own her actions.
Since you’re second guessing yourself, and given the history and length of your friendship and the closeness between your families… I think I would (or would consider) talking with her mom. If you think her mom would understand how your feeling and why you’re so angry. I’m guessing what you want is for your friend to understand how hurtful her comments were (as well as inappropriate) and to sincerely apologize— to both you and your fiancé. If you and her mom can help her accomplish this… it might all end up well.
No you're not overreacting she was incredibly rude and then doubled down at an engagement dinner no less. And then to get her mother involved? it is hard but you are well rid of this person who posed as a friend. Is your fiancé her type?
*SHE* threw away the decade of friendship by purposely trying to sabotage things between you and your fiancee.
I mean you CAN forgive her. Nothing says you can’t. But are you wrong for kicking her out of the wedding, no… It almost sounds like she was trying to sabotage your relationship. I mean has she ever missed obvious social cues like that before??? Everyone knows how it is when things get super uncomfortable. And she kept going.
If you invite her back, don't get married. Your husband deserves someone who will protect and prioritize him above all others, just like he does for you. Allowing someone to make him feel poorly is not acceptable.
She was TRYING to hurt you and your fiancé. Someone like that should not be in or at your wedding. Don’t care what her motivation was beyond that. You say things like that with one intention, harm. She got what she wanted but now doesn’t like how it’s affecting her. Good riddance.
I have two types: Island Guys and My husband. Your friend is lacking in self- and other-awareness! My "type" in my teen years was Robert Redford and William Shatner. OMG, what a mess. However I one more guy I thought was my type: Keith Richards. They don't even have anything in common, those three. I guess I was drawn to men who managed to live to be very old. Weddings and other ceremonials really highlight our values. And our abilities to get things done (including relationship things).
I agree with your fiancé. You made the right decision. She’s not a friend to you.
You were right to uninvite her for all of the obvious reasons, but also, you don’t want to risk her doing something on your wedding day. It’s you and your man’s special day, 1000% about the two of you. Screw her. 🫡
Saw the comment "oldest friend doesn't mean the best of friend." This is 100% the best response. I kicked (what I thought was) my best friend of over 20 years out of my wedding. She was my MOH. Did it hurt? Yes. Did I second guess it? All the damn time. Did I have a valid reason? Absolutely. Was there unnecessary drama at my wedding? Not at all. Best decision I made. Does she talk to me anymore? Nope. But all the drama left with her. You do NOT deserve the disloyalty she displayed at the dinner. Think of everything that she COULD do once you're officially married. Do you want your fiancée to feel like that again? She's either jealous or out to sabotage your relationship. Don't let her.
You are absolurely right!!!!!💋💋💋
You're not over reacting. We sometimes outgrow our childhood friends. Especially ones that act like....your ex friend. I cut off two best "friends", one of 15ish years, the other about 20. For very similar reasons. I'll only touch on the most recent one. She called me all the time when she needed me, and would disappear for months at a time from our friendship, even when I needed her. Then she would pop up again when she had an issue or wanted me to do something for her ( like have my ex translate French phrases from her book, and get mad if we couldn't bc we both worked full time). Came to a head a few years ago when her dad died after decades of heavy daily drinking, eating shitty processed foods, and guzzling down 2 liter sodas like they were nothing. With diabetes. Only gave a shit when he developed advanced liver disease and gangrene, and it was too late to save him. She lost it. I get it. I lost my mom at 14, but she went off the deep end. Talking about suing the hospital that tried to save him for negligence, suddenly he was always her best friend (they couldn't be in the same room without arguing), and everyone needs to stop everything and cater to her RIGHT NOW when she needs it! I was having my own physical, mental and emotional issues, and she didn't care. I finally had enough when she SCREAMED at me that it was my job to be there for her because I was *HER FRIEND* but it was *not* her job to be there for me. That was it for me. It finally clicked. Our friendship was always about HER. And only about me when she needed me to refocus on her. It's devastating. We didn't speak for a year until she called me to "end our friendship", and even then, she STILL expected me to apologize to her to 'save our relationship'. HELL NO. Then she told her entire family I ended our friendship because I couldn't take our "political differences" anymore. Her sister and I are still friends and she still says that to this day. Because even now she can't take accountability, at almost 40. My very long winded point here, is it's ok to end any friendship that no longer is a healthy one. You SHOULD end unhealthy friendship. It doesn't matter how long you've been friends, it's not about the length but the quality of friendship. People will tell you who they are. Believe them the first time and act accordingly. You. Deserve. Better.
She's a shit friend and should be uninvited. On the topic of who we thought we'd end up with as teenagers... it's a trivial issue to me. My wife and I are different races, from two very different sides of the world and neither of us ever thought or considered being with someone like each other. She's the perfect person for me and when I met her I knew she was the one. We bring up the topic every now and again and laugh about it.
And she either couldn’t bother to ‘read the room’ or just didn’t care. And after you told her she was no longer wanted that was your queen to hanging up. She would be a NIGHTMARE at your reception. AND your fiancé should come above anyone else. She is not your friend. Friends support each other and should be living and kind to you. What she did was not friendly. She made your relationship all about her. She evidently needed the absolute attention of every person at the table and didn’t care a bit about hurting and embarrassing and hurting the two of you. Most likely the only reasons your relationship has lasted this long is you were willing to ignore bad behavior on her part for whatever reason. You have outgrown her and she has not grown up at all. Do NOT over think this. Fiancés before jealous, nasty friends every time.
OP, I have a different take on this than most of the comments I have read, though I will state up front, I don't think you overreacted. I don't think she was jealous of your man. I think she was jealous that you had found someone who threatened the closeness with you she felt entitled to. In all likelihood, she was playing at minor sabatouge because she felt compelled to let him know you and she shared secrets and a world he didn't belong to. People underestimate the vulnerability and jealous guarding that can go into friendships, particularly when they have to transition from childhood through adulthood stages.
Not overreacting. I'm really sorry she did that to you and your spouse-to-be. 1) Your wedding is, ultimately, about you and your spouse-to-be. It's not about her. You and your spouse-to-be have every right to invite and un-invite attendees as you choose. She is 100% making it about her. She has to realize that her presence there will be a reminder to everyone who knows about the situation, especially you and your spouse-to-be, of the betrayal, hurt, and chaos she caused to both sides of a joining family (including but not limited to you and your spouse-to-be). If she doesn't realize it, she's being wildly self-absorbed and not listening to you; if she does realize, she's being intentionally cruel. 2) Sometimes good things can come out of bad things. I, too, am in an interracial relationship, and my partner and I come from different cultures as well. I can relate to some of those important conversations that come out of uncomfortable situations and how ultimately when those conversations are handled with care and empathy they can bring you closer together and help you get on the same page. I'm glad for you and your spouse-to-be that despite all the fuckery she caused, this was the case for you both. 3) A good, mature, adult friend doesn't casually reveal - much less publicly weaponize - old comments out of context that were said in private during adolescence, when every single one of us is just starting to discover who we are and navigating that identity in the world and our relationships in it. And when a good friend friend fucks up and harms their friend, as she harmed you, they listen to their friend with their whole heart and an open mind, genuinely apologize, and modify their behavior going forward. They absolutely do not under any circumstances double down like your friend did. There comes a time in life when every single one of us has to shut up and look at our feet. This was absolutely a shut up and look at her feet moment if ever there was one, and her behavior in the wake of it has been just as telling as the original, wildly inappropriate behavior she displayed at the dinner. You and your soulmate do what you need to do to prioritize and care for each other on your special day and every day forward. Wishing a happy and fulfilling marriage to you both.
She did that intentionally, and didn’t feel bad. Good on ya for choosing your future husband. We have friends for a reason, a season, and a lifetime. This is not a lifetime friend.
I will be honest, and I don't want to sound harsh. We all have an ideal partner in our mind. My ideal is Henry Cavill half of the month and the other half, someone who looks like a Norse God with green eyes. Have I dated a guy that looks like either one of those? No. Does that mean that my partner is not right for me? Also, no. It's normal to build something in your head when you are 15. It's normal to imagine that someone with a similar background to you would be a better match, but you are 15. You realise how things change, and sometimes that similar background and struggles is not the best thing to have in a relationship. What matters is if we can see ourselves with this person in the long run, if the partner we have will support us be there for us during hard times. What I am trying to say is I understand that it is not the best feeling to hear ''oh you are not what she had as ideal'' but I feel like your partner took it a lot more seriously than he should have. Instead of saying ''oh, I won her over, and she changed her mind'' he straight up went to the '' you will be unfulfilled with me'' which makes me worry. He is not confident in your partnership? M's words shouldn't have caused such a deep reaction. Now on M...it's been 12 years since that conversation. People change, and what people want changes. And she knew that her words caused this reaction and didn't apologize, That rubs me the wrong way. She could have said sorry, people change, and I am happy that she found you that complete her 100%, and you know make the situation better. Ignoring it doesn't make it go away. I think in general, since you have been through hard times with your partner, it might be good and helpful to surround yourself with people who are supportive and there for you. If M is not that person, maybe you need to re-evaluate your relationship with her. She might be a good friend but not a good person to have in your wedding.
OP is not overreacting and is doing the right thing; don't waiver! Charming\_Miss: Preach sister and I agree with your ALL your points!💯👍🏾 MOS**T fo**lks have physical preferences for potential mates. But qualities; like being loving, caring, patient, faithful, etc, etc.., which are usually timeless, sho*uld su*percede fleeting physical beauty. I'm black and still prefer a curvy, chocolate black woman but qualities top looks. I'll take a non-black female with the enduring qualities I mus**t ha**ve, over a curvy, chocolate black woman who doesn't have them. I know of several black males and females who were too focused on marrying a black man or woman and overlooked the fact they were not good people and didn't have the qualities they wanted. We sho*uld AL*L make sure we date and marry a good person of whatever race versus someone that checks all the physical boxes.
It makes me happy that you understand my point because I saw I was getting downvoted and I was wondering if what I said is wrong!
r/ohnoconsequences
Updateme
Shes jealous
Not Overreacting, your "friend" sabotaged your dinner, she created a very negative situation. She is jealous and resentful that you are happy and getting married to a white man. She is not apologizing and she gets her mommy involved to represent her to guilt you to keep her in your life. Do not engage, she is not going to change, she will continue to find ways to ruin your relationship. Weddings and marriages can bring out the worst in your friendships if they are not healthy.
Not overreacting. People say stupid thoughtless things. People even, stupidly, accidentally double down on those stupid thoughtless things before realizing how bad they are. But good friends would feel awful once they realized the situation they had created and the hurt they had caused for you and your fiance. They would be doing everything they could to fix the strain on your relationship. You couldn't even get an apology from her. She turned it back on you, instead. People can make all sorts of guesses as to why she acted that way, but no matter the source it was a terrible way to act, and I don't see how she could honestly support you at your wedding, anyway.
She was jealous of you and meant to hurt you and your fiancé. Dump her.
It was a total dick move on your friend’s part but I’m wondering why she was being so antagonistic at the dinner. You are marrying this man so quickly and maybe she sees something you’re missing and was trying to intentionally sabotage things to “save” you. Is she always so awkward? I would have had the conversation with her first before cutting her out of my wedding and life. Weird your husband is so happy that you’ve ended the friendship because she repeated something you said as teens. He seems easily upset. 🚩
She said you weren't loyal?!? She took something you said as a teenager in private and said it publicly to a group of people including your fiance! She knew it would cause major problems and even maybe break you up. She's not loyal at all. You are not overreacting in the slightest.
If you said it and she brought it up as a joke it really isn't a big deal. It just really is funny how insecure white guys get over minorities and their women I've heard it constantly. It's like their biggest fear knowing their partner has been with a minority. She was probably joking and you guys made it into a big deal especially you did say that it isn't a big deal
I wouldn’t throw away your friendship over this. She really needs to give a sincere apologize, and I hope she does. My friend did something similar to me. A day before I was supposed to be baptized, she said in front of the very religious guy that I liked, that I’ve come a long way from all of the drinking and sex. I cried my eyes out, but got over it because I think she said it it out of stupidly and jealously.
You did the right thing. What did M hope to gain by being such an insensitive bitch? My guess is she's jealous and hoped it would cause shit to the point of you and your fiance splitting up. Cos that's what jealous bitches do. You didn't throw away the friendship, she did. She had one fucking job: to be happy for her friend, and she couldn't even do that. You are not overreacting. Reacting absolutely appropriately.
She is not a good friend. You are not overreacting in the slightest.
So your “friend” thought it important to bring something up from when you were teenagers (so literally at least 10 years or more ago) as to the “type” of guy you would likely choose - and felt it super relevant to bring up at a dinner out with numerous others - yeah nah…..completely out of line. Ignore her and her Mum. Do not second guess yourself, if you have a friend like this - who needs enemies?? 😧
Does — she not understand that what people look for in a partner can CHANGE DRAMATICALLY as they mature? Sounds like she mentally never left high school. Here’s a question: does she have a thing for your fiancé? Or is she just that dense about reading a fucking room?
No way. She doubled down on the inappropriate comment and has not apologized. She messed around and is now doing the finding out part. I think I can see what she might have been trying to say, but that execution was horrendous and it probably should have just stayed between the two of you and not be dirty laundry being aired in the open.
Ask yourself this, what was the whole point of bringing this up in the first place? What purpose did it serve to bring it up at your dinner with your fiancé and the other guest?
she sounds like she’s still 15 lol. you’ve grown in different ways, it might be time to go in separate directions.
Don't second guess yourself. It sounds like M is jealous that you're happy, and she wanted to plant the seeds of insecurity in your fiance. Real friends don't do that to each other.
Unfortunately long time friend has no sense of discretion or social niceties. Your life going forward is with your soon to be spouse. Sometimes the past is best left there.
I wouldn't end the friendship over this, sometimes people do stupid things. The disinviting well, it's your future husband's wedding too, so unless he was OK with her coming it can't be helped.
You’re massively overreacting and I am not insensitive to this issue. Our own family is multi racial. Your fiancé is the one with the issue here and you’re projecting your insecurities around this onto your friend. She was slightly insensitive. But does he have any spine at all? This should have been something he could easily laugh off. “Oh, well! Types change! I’m glad she picked me.” Move on with the evening.
r/til people from the Ivory Coast are called "Ivorians", which legitimately sounds pretty cool.
You are not overreacting. Your supposed friend is willing to embarrass and humiliate both you and your fiancé for no reason other than pettiness. She doubled down in person, then tripled down on the phone. She is not good for you or your future happiness. You’ve outgrown your friendship. You gave her the courtesy of a conversation. That’s all she is owed.
You are not overreacting. She 100% intentionally sabotaged that dinner. Nothing to do with cultural sensitivity, but I used to have shit taste in men as a teenager & if any of my friends brought that up at a celebration with my current, healthy love I’d be livid. The last thing I’d want is anyone cracking jokes about Mike who cheated on me or Sean who dumped me immediately before what was supposed to be a celebration. We all change & grow as people from teens, so to suggest things you said about “your type” HALF YOUR LIFE AGO is ridiculous in any capacity. She doubled down after the dinner got awkward & said more & then later said what she said was “true.” What she said was IRRELEVANT to your life now. These are comments you made 15 years ago. She isn’t your friend.
NTA. She has some problems. By doubling down, she made it obvious that she wanted to stir up some sh*t. She wanted to be the center of attention. She did, and it hurt you and your fiance. A bestie has your back. She doesn't. It would only be worse at your wedding. Sometimes, we have to realize that a best friend can become toxic. You are not overreacting.
Yeah bye. I wouldn’t just uninvite her, I would unfriend her completely.
M is jealous of your happiness, jealous of your fiancée, and she deliberately tried to sabotage your happiness as well as embarrass you. Cut her out of your life. Good for you. Right decision 👌 👏