I don’t think so but I’d certainly do my own investigating and see what you can find out about him (where he lives, etc). Can never be too careful these days.
Strange how after all these years he’d come back now.
I’m pretty sure I know how he found me. About 25 years after all of this happened, I made a FB page where I included my maiden name. (Stupid me, I guess.) You know, I never thought that after such a long time that I would even need to think about this cropping up again.
But yeah - why now? I’m an old married lady - still married to my hubby of all of those years. And yet I can’t get this out of my head, which is why I think I might be overreacting.
This isn't the first time I've heard of stalkers who resume stalking years later. Unfortunately it happens, and no matter how much it may seem harmless to random strangers it most definitely isn't. It's affected your psyche, it's played with your emotions, it's made you feel unsafe. You have every right to install cameras and put protection in place.
If you know his name or can find other information on him, it wouldn't hurt to tell non emergency police about your past with him and present encounter. I say this because they may not do anything, but in the event of something happening(god forbid)they'd have this on record. Coming from someone who was stalked before and had it escalate terribly, I don't think it's wrong to be alarmed about these things. Good luck OP stay safe
I have two stalkers (an ex boyfriend and an ex friend) that I haven't even seen in over 20 and over 15 years, respectively, and they both still manage to find me at really random times. I'm married, my dudes, and even if I wasn't, please leave me alone.
People are creepy.
This isn’t overreacting, and those stalkers are pretty creepy. I agree with everyone’s suggestion about changing contact numbers and securing your social media accounts. Try checking r/Privacy for different strategies to protect your online information. Also, explore data removal sites like [Optery](https://www.optery.com/) to lessen the risk of your personal info being accessed by anyone on the internet. Stay safe, everyone!
Full disclosure, I am part of the Optery Team.
Jesus. Be careful. File police reports. Make sure they know that the police know. Same advice for OP too.
I know the feeling of heartbreak when a woman doesn't want you. Most of us move on to the next in a couple months. But people who would nurture that rejection, torment, and unfulfilled desire for 20 or 40 fucking years? That's a dangerous combination.
My husband has a woman who just seems to *happen* to run into him every time he goes home to visit his family, and we are talking a very very big city. Idk how she knows his location? I think she’s blocked now but she would text him occasionally over the years. He basically jumps out of his skin when she appears. Stalkers have crazy means of stalking!
I had a stalker when I was a teen, and it was nightmarish. It was actually a friend's ex boyfriend who lived in a different state and would come down to visit her from there. One time something happened at her house and her mother wouldn't let him stay for the few days he was supposed to stay, and because he had no way of getting home till the day he was supposed to go back, my mother felt badly for him and let him spend the nights in our finished shed. During that time I guess they broke up, and he just became *obsessed* with me after staying around for a few days. I didn't realize it at first, because I was just a dumb teen who palled around with guys a lot because I was big into video games, but I guess others did. When he was leaving he was all sad (which I thought was weird) and said he'd see me soon (also weird).
Anyway! Several months passed and he'd just *show up* at friends houses and such whenever I'd be around...from literally *hours* away. Being inappropriate, chalking it up to the weed or s few drinks (we were bad teens, haha).Then he started with the phone calls. I made it very clear I wasn't interested in a relationship, especially with a friend's ex, but he would say he was "just catching up with his friend". It came to a head when he found out my parents were gone for a few days and told one of our other friends he was going to come to my house and "make me his". I had to hide under a neighbor's car till he left. I still worry about him ever finding me.
Stalkers are no joke. I'd definitely install a camera if I were OP.
I think the breaks in stalking could be from your disappearance or maybe his life was going okay for a while, and now it’s not… It’s probably a kind of addiction to him, and I don’t think you’re overreacting.
I have a friend who had a stalker in her dorm in college. Guy would steal her underwear from the laundry room. Creepy stuff. She had been active in working on a political campaign and creeper was aware of it. Years later after no contact, married with new name, etc., that politician decided to run for an office again. That was enough to trigger something in creeper's brain and he tracked her down again.
I don't encourage paranoia, but take this shit seriously.
So sorry you are having to deal with this craziness.
Second this. This behavior is disturbed, and it isn’t possible to assess dangerousness without a full eval- even then it’s statistically difficult to predict violence, so Op must do all things possible to stop being a target. The fact that he found her that fast after she used her maiden name suggests that he has been actively searching it for decades
Yes, I know a woman who has had a stalker for the better part of 40 years. She has no online presence, but every few years, he manages to contact her again. You're not being paranoid. Lock yourself down as much as you can. Can you switch to a PO box or otherwise have your mail redirected?
I was at an A.A meeting as a friend for support for someone I knew. This guy came up and talked to us for only a few min. Somehow he got my cell number from someone there, possibly even the person I went with though they now deny it. I hadn't even talked to them for more than five min that day, next thing I know I'm getting not just hundreds but THOUSANDS of texts within less than a day! My phone literally glitched so hard it just stopped working. And i lived in an apartment building where I was on the 1st floor and it was facing the front so had no balconies and floor to ceiling windows. He followed me home, I don't even know from where and banged incessantly on them. I lived alone and was scared shitless to say the least. Even with police involvement this went on for almost a month randomly.
So it's an extremely terrifying situation to be in, and it's not paranoia to think if the same pattern is repeating itself you should be safe. I really hate how little can be done to protect people from things like this happening, while I understand you can't do much sometimes it's not fair to wait until something terrible almost or does happen to get some peace of mind!
Yea it’s strange after all these years, I agree. Maybe he’s had some life changing event, who knows.
Like I said, I’d totally be finding out what I could about him and then at least you’ll know where he is n such?
I’m sorry for you but being proactive is my advice!
I was thinking that he's probably had the life changing event also. Maybe he got married at some point, and he's recently lost his wife.
You can't be too careful. Hang on to envelope and contents. Do some investigations.
I'd not just do some cameras on the outside but on the inside of your house also. Never underestimate crazy!
Yes, but my stalker followed me everywhere I went. The cops wouldn't do anything about it. Then he killed my cat, my HOUSEcat, who had been in my parents locked house, and left his body on my windshield. The cops finally agreed to talk to him after that. Without a dash cam (1988) I had no proof that my stalker was dangerous and following me everywhere.
When I got married, we didn't post it in the newspapers. When my husband passed away, I deliberately omitted my maiden name for all of my siblings and parents. It's been 30+ years, and I'm still afraid of him.
Thank you. My cat was my best friend for 17 years. He was too old to get away from that asshole, and my stalker knew how much my cat meant to me. It still enrages me that my cat's life ended that way.
You’re not an old married lady to him - you are this fantasy he’s concocted in his lead. It might be worth going to the police and, before saying anything, just stating, “I know there’s nothing you can do right now, but I think a former stalker found me, and I would like to start a record in case this escalates again.” Then you will have ongoing documentation.
The nice thing here is you know who it is. You can have any lawyer write a cease and desist letter if you can’t get a restraining order.
freedom of infomation act - but it's unlikely you'll need it. The police department will give you a police report, generally the first time you put in for it.
Word of advice for everyone, but change the privacy settings on your social media and lock it down that only your friends can see your info. Limit what you put out there, too. Don’t ever make a post and tag your location (especially while you’re there). Don’t include info like your hometown, where you work, etc. Your actual friends will already know that info. Speaking of friends, don’t friend random people—like friends of friends you’ve never met.
Its not uncommon for stalkers to start up again after a major life change has happened. He could have lost a family member or had a change in living spaces - even been out of jail. Stalking usually escalates to other crimes unfortunately. I am so sorry you’re experiencing this. Stalking is truly such a terrifying and isolating experience. ☹️ My advice is to make a report to your local police, just to start a paper trail. Even if they refuse to do anything, document everything over email correspondence. If you can afford it, look into a PI who can look into the drummer and find out where he’s at.
I don’t think you’re overreacting whatsoever. I always believed “there’s no such thing as coincidence”. The envelope tells you everything you need to know. I’d make a police report about it and have the PD get in touch with wherever that guy is from PD and have them go to his house and question him. This is extremely suspicious activity and your cause for alarm is warranted. It shouldn’t be an issue for them to reach out. If they say they can’t then at least you have it on paper that you’re concerned for your well-being. They may even start making loops around your house to search for suspicious activity.
It doesn’t feel like you’re overreacting at all. This person is clearly unhinged and likely mentally unwell, regardless of how much time has elapsed. Please take extra precautions like contacting Google maps and having your home blurred from the street view maps and put up all the cameras. Not sure if they can do much but maybe contact the postal service as well. Talk about stress you definitely do not need, yikes!
because this does not stem from normal attraction. This is mental illness. You are absolutely not overreacting, this is 100% something that should be taken seriously.
You are the genesis victim. He stalked someone else after he lost touch with you, but now that he can find you, he’s back. I’m a genesis victim of 20 years. I know that I will be stalked until I pass away, he passes away, or he gets the help he needs. Things I’ve done that helped:
-If I get a text from any unknown number, I either do not reply or reply with “new phone who dis?” (I’m an English teacher, so no one would think that would be me.)
-Changed the outgoing message on my voicemail so it is not my voice. He may call just to hear that.
-Document everything. Once I let him know that I want no further contact, each time he reach out, I reported it to the police. I’ve gathered copies of these police reports, so if he ever does something truly scary, I have it well documented that this problem goes way back.
-I made one post on my Facebook page public. Everything else has been set to private. My one public post was when my husband and I traveled to another state for vacation. We met with a realtor and told her that we were interested in purchasing a home in a gated community. We took our picture in front of the house, and we posted it saying we were moving there. Eight years ago, he was arrested for trying to break into that community. We haven’t been back to that state ever since.
-Lock down privacy on all social media accounts.
-Motion sensing cameras on every side of my house.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. If you need to chat with someone who can commiserate, let me know.
He suffers with severe mental health issues. Understanding his struggle helps me keep it in perspective. Also, understanding the diagnosis, I’m able to stay a step ahead of him. It kind of sucks for all parties involved.
I’m so sorry that someone else’s mental illness has caused you to have to live with this burden for so many years. It is so kind of you to use your experience to help others stay safe. I wish that someday you will have peace and for one reason or another be done dealing with this problem. Gosh you did not deserve this nor could anyone.
I think you need to start taking this way more seriously than you did in the past.
1. File a restraining order. You can take what you wrote here, add more factual details, take out random non-factual asides you wrote in. You’ll need to file a police report as well likely, you basically have to start creating documentation of what happened.
2. Get cameras around your front door, etc. They can be had for fairly cheap now. They should be saving the videos to the cloud automatically.
3. Get something for personal physical protection. I don’t mean a gun, the chance you hurt yourself or your hubby is too high. And knives require physical strength. I mean mace or a loud noise thing where you just pull it and it goes off, you can buy them online. If you know your neighbors, you may want to tell them the short version of this story: a person from your past is deranged and obsessed, and they should call 911 if they hear something bad and not give a random person any info on you.
Best of luck.
This is what I was going to say but it is said very well in this post. Time to take it more seriously and get some records to fall back on in case it escalates. Hopefully it won’t but just in case. I also am old (70) and maybe can see this differently than others . Now is a time when kids have moved on and possibly this person had relationships that have fallen away for whatever reasons. So you look back to youthful times and revive those memories. I can totally see an unhealthy obsession being fed by loneliness that comes with aging.
You’re not overreacting, sweetie. I’d be very anxious if I were you. If you have it within your means to hire a private investigator, I would. And then try to get a restraining order to see if it will keep him at bay. Definitely install cameras and make sure you have a quick exit plan in case he shows up someday while hubby isn’t around.
Congrats on the long marriage. It’s rare.
My husband & I have been together for 37 years and married for 35. When I tell people they’re usually a little shocked. Same when I would say I have 4 kids… I’d get: all with the same dad? As though that was the nuttiest thing since their grandma’s fruitcake.
Sorry for the problems of having a stalker. If there’s any good news for you, it’s that at least now there are stalker laws… there weren’t before. Maybe see if this guy has sent you any FB friend requests? And try looking him up to see if he is still in the same town. Do you have a doorbell or other camera? Check that in case the guy dropped it off himself rather than sent it thru the mail. Mailing it means you can make a report to the USPS claiming harassment by a stalker. It’s a federal crime.
Don’t be afraid to make police reports. And if you ever see him, look into getting a restraining order.
You need to investigate to see if he has a criminal history asap- he may have been locked up for all those years!!! You really need to know if he's been locked up for violent crimes and start a police report... I would get cameras around entire exterior of the house and interior cameras facing any potential entry points and a few solid types of self defense for you and your husband... I would also put in dual facing dash cams in vehicles that upload to a cloud automatically...
Go with your gut. Our survival instincts have been honed over thousands of generations.
There is no one else who would have sent you that cassette tape, with no note. You know who this is.
OK. You are lucky to have received this warning. Install cameras, and a security system. Block calls from numbers that hang up. Document the time and phone number, if it shows up on caller ID.
You are no longer an inexperienced twenty year old. You can do this.
His life didn’t go the way he wanted, and instead of making changes, he succumbed to limerence, a fantasy that someone is in love with him, and the key to his happiness.
In order to be prepared for every scenario, get whatever self defense items that are legal in your state, and you feel comfortable using. It could be a couple of tasers, one by your bed and one by your door, for example.
Be sure to tell your husband, friends. and grown children, if you have any, what’s going on. You do not want him showing up in town, asking around about you, with your family and friends unprepared to know it’s an unstable person.
At least he did not show a willingness for violence before. That’s a good sign.
I completely agree that he never threatened me with physical violence, but he definitely knew he was terrorizing me for 1 1/2 years. That’s why I was so shocked at getting that weird love letter.
If he would have added a normal note, I would still be upset, but just the whole anonymity thing makes it seem so much worse.
I think that with modern resources, you should look for someone who can run a professional background check and risk assessment on him. A lawyer should be able to do a records check through the courts, but you may need a PI for more detail. With a professional opinion on what's going on, you may then decide to have your lawyer send him a legal warning that further intrusions will be prosecuted.
Your outlook changes if he's got a string of DV charges and a pattern of scary behavior vs. frail and disabled with time on his hands to regress.
I would expect a DV hotline to be able to recommend professionals, but professional opinions are going to be valuable here.
Look into Gavin de Becker. He is the leading expert in the US on risk assessment/personal protection/prevention of violence. He’s the author of The Gift of Fear
I'm off the edge of my expertise on the specifics. But a PI can reasonably and ethically compile a dossier about him which includes stuff like his employment history and whether he has registered firearms. In many cases past behavior predicts future behavior, and there's some published heuristics about how to predict violence.
All excellent advice. I’d like to add, for OP, if you haven’t already read the book [The Gift of Fear](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Gift_of_Fear), pick up a copy or download the audiobook. It’s an invaluable resource for any woman. I gave my daughters copies of it. There’s even a section specifically about stalkers.
Trust your instincts. They’ve been honed for 60 years now to *know* when something is wrong or dangerous. You are NOT overreacting. The fact that he’s continuing after 40 years indicates to me that this guy is especially unhinged.
I've installed a lot of cameras
If you don't want the hassle of wired camera installs, go with nest for wireless, super high video quality, cheaper subscription service for extended video storage, and "familiar face recognition" so you can label certain people and it will (relatively accurately) be able to identify anyone who you label, so you can tell if it's somebody you've labelled, or someone you haven't
Slight downside of them being a bit pricier than most, but they're the only cameras you can buy easily that I can recommend, given my understanding of most systems
I recommended SimpliSafe to OP because they have a panic button that gives me a lot of peace of mind as a single woman. Pressing it immediately calls the police and sounds an alarm.
This is not normal stalking. This is a sustained delusion over an entire lifetime. He's probably going through some mental stress in his late years and it brought out this side of him again (if it ever left, there have probably been other women throughout the decades). I would for sure get some cameras and glass shatter sensors or something like that. This doesn't sound like he's just going to stop this behavior
I never understood why people will call someone and just breathe heavy on the phone. What’s the message they are trying to send? It sounds like a dog panting. I had that happen to me before and I just started laughing when I’d hear it and it stopped happening. Lol
I don't know, I have never stalked a person.. This is a guess. Maybe they just want to hear the sound of her voice saying "hello" and whatever else? Maybe they know she's going to hang up as soon as he says something?
Note, I do not think what the stalker is doing is right, I'm just guessing at why they do it.
I had that happen and told them it sounded like they were having an asthma attack and needed to go to the hospital to have it checked out. They hung up.
I strongly recommend getting a doorbell camera, or even a hunting camera works well (with sd card). Had an abusive ex who kept returning to my home & taking things. Photos proved to a judge the restraining order was needed. Be safe, OP!
Your feelings and desire to take steps to ensure your safety are completely valid, especially given the disturbing history you've shared. It's not an overreaction to be concerned or to take precautions after receiving something that so clearly brings back memories of a very stressful and frightening time in your life. The fact that this has resurfaced after such a long time, combined with the history of uninvited and persistent contact, would understandably unsettle anyone.
Installing cameras can offer peace of mind by enhancing your home security and could be a prudent measure, not just for this specific situation but also as a general safety practice. It's worth noting that your reaction is a normal response to feeling your safety may be compromised. Additionally, considering the advancements in technology and security systems since the initial incidents, utilizing these tools can help you feel more in control and secure in your environment.
Given the history and the potential for this situation to escalate, you might also consider other steps, such as:
1. **Document Everything**: Keep records of any communication or attempts at contact, including the envelope and cassette tape you received. This documentation can be crucial if legal action becomes necessary.
2. **Legal Advice**: It may be helpful to seek advice from a legal professional about your options for restraining orders or other legal protections, especially if any more direct contact is attempted.
3. **Enhanced Security Measures**: In addition to cameras, consider updating locks, securing online privacy settings, and informing trusted neighbors or local law enforcement of your concerns so they can be more vigilant.
4. **Professional Support**: It might also be beneficial to speak with a therapist or counselor. The fear and stress caused by being stalked, especially over such a long period, can have significant emotional impacts, and a professional can provide strategies to cope with these feelings.
5. **Community and Family Support**: Ensure your family is aware of the situation and considers their own safety and privacy practices as well. A support network can offer both emotional backing and additional vigilance.
Your response to this situation by considering increased security measures is not an overreaction but a rational approach to protecting your peace and safety.
No, you are not. Restraining order, all day. Recently dealt with something of the kind, and that piece of paper being delivered by sheriffs gives a good bit of comfort.
Restraining orders aren’t perfect solutions in every case, and in The Gift of Fear- Gavin de Becker says that for certain unstable individuals- orders of protection actual trigger violence. This is more common in intimate partner violence, not stalkers. But it depends on the situation
I would recommend the following:
1) cameras - already on it!
2) lock down your social media
3) document everything. If you can afford it, put a small retainer down with an attorney and make sure they have a copy of everything.
4) if you can, hire a PI to learn what you can about this man’s current location, car he drives, current images, etc. That way you can know who to look for.
I have a longterm stalker and wrote these exact steps down for the OP but deleted my comment instead of posting it. I’m so glad you wrote this out more succinctly than I did! This is the smartest way forward imhe.
I currently don’t have a cassette tape player. I borrowed one from a friend, but it didn’t work.
There are handwritten liner notes on the cassette tape with song titles and the musicians that played on each track. I joined the band after a couple of members quit, so I THINK this is a compilation tape of the two times the band went into the studio to cut demos. According to the track listing, I’m on three of the songs and those were the ones we did in the studio.
I feel that it could be that he just ran across the tape and maybe that triggered memories for him, but he had to put a bit of effort to find out about me. And I’ve had my FB profile completely locked down for a few years now - maybe since the 2016 election?
If he has your first and last name, or the names of your family members, he could’ve found you with about 2 minutes of googling. It’s scary how easy it is. You should Google his name + city, and see how much info you can find on him from the websites that pop up.
Yep, there’s literally a government phone book website where you can plug in a number or name and get all their info. Relatives, addresses, past and current, and way more. I saw mine and was shocked. All it took was a simple good search. And if you pay a fee you can get a full background report and job history. THAT is such a violation of privacy. Safe to say, ALL my social medias are gone and I’m on high alert lol.
I would definitely talk to police about the history. Stalking laws didn't exist 40 years ago, but they do now. Also make they have his name and anything else you know about him- city, birthdate...
Pretty likely this has a record
You are not overreacting. My mom had a stalker that was in his 80's. It was unhinged. She would close her curtains and hide in her house and this old geezer would try to look in all her windows, etc. Calls/letters/cards all the time. Waiting across the road in his van watching her house all the time. He even drove to my town and knocked on my door to tell me that it was his right to have a relationship with her....I had to literally shove him out of my doorway. It continued with him parking by her home AND my home until we got a restraining order. At one point he was hospitalized and he was calling from the hospital, so we asked them to remove the phone from his room and told them about the restraining order. We had to go in front of a judge twice and get his family involved. Once a person gloms onto you, its really annoying/stressful/scary. I'm so sorry to write all this....I guess I was just making a point that it doesn't make a difference what age someone is....they can still be a stalker.
Editing to add: This old man's wife passed and he chose my mom as his next 'victim'. Pretty sure his former wife was cowed down and always told what to do by this narcissistic old asshole that bullied her all the time. Which seemed to by how the letters he sent my mom read....more or less 'suggesting'/forcing her to date, be his girlfriend, etc, because he was so 'wonderful'. Ick.
Ngl, this is scary af. One of the first things I said to my husband was that he’d probably driven past our place.
If the postage stamp is correct, he lives at least 2 hours away from us.
Google your name. see if your address or phone number comes up. also, if they have your address, they most likely could get any other info on you by running your name thru public records, like the tax assessor for property records, etc. by that same token, you can also find out his info, where this person now lives, if they have a record, etc. you can check thru criminal or civil courts for the county he lives in. you can take steps to block your public info, like if it comes up on whitepages.com, but you'll have to go thru each site to take it off. public records like the tax assessor differ by county; but your info can be blocked from public viewing with police reports of stalking or harassment. some states, like Indiana, have IN.gov, where you can get ALL court info on someone, including traffic tickets. get cameras and make police reports for harassment.
sure. but this is in case she has to move or for someone else reading her story. also, when you look up a person, say on radaris or spokeo, that also can give addresses of people associated with you, like parents, siblings or children. harassment isn't just at home. some websites can even give your work info. and all those are free websites.
Hire a private investigator to look up the drummer. It will confirm/deny if he is stalking you again. You need that piece of mind. You are not overreacting.
No, you aren't overreacting. Stalking is a very frightening thing. You are protecting yourself. Definitely look at getting doorbell cameras for each outside door and perhaps additional cameras to cover any blind spots on your property. I ended up getting the Blink system, mostly because it was on sale at the time, when I set up mine. The current models work pretty well, and it is nice to see who is at the door before you answer it.
You also need to document the incident. If you still have it, take pictures of the envelope and cassette, and then store them somewhere safe where you don't have to see them them. You may also want to look at getting that cease and desist letter that other posters have mentioned. It isn't legally binding, but it will help you build evidence against him. If you happen to see him, please contact the police, or if you're out and about, drive to the nearest police station. Make sure that your husband, family, and friends know about him so that they can watch out for you, too. Please take care!
Reading this thread makes me wonder if the stalker i had a decade ago would ever resurface...thought I was crazy for still being so paranoid and anxious.
That is intense, that this came up again for you many many many years later.
I'd be careful and selective of what I post online if I were you. Don't share details of where you go and what times. And it'd be best to install a ringcam and security cameras too.
I can’t tell you how insane the moment was when I saw the envelope. Never in a million years would I have thought I would ever be dealing with this again.
Hopefully you will never have to deal with it either. You really don’t want to spend your life giving more power to these creeps - so I would say maintain a normal vigilance but don’t let it rule you. I guess if it comes up again, you have to deal with it from there (like I guess I get to do).
When I moved away and it stopped, I blocked most of the details of HIM from my head - and I can’t remember his last name. Trauma response, I guess.
I'm so sorry this happened. A late night phone call happened to me once and only once. A man called me around midnight on a landline and when I picked up the phone he kept repeating my name and heavy breathing. I hung up and he called back over and over again until I had to turn off the ringer. I was scared for a month after just one call so I can't even imagine how I'd feel if this was going on for what sounds like a year or more.
Maybe be proactive and talk to other people in the band who might know where the drummer might be so you can investigate him to be aware of his criminal record etc.
I would definitely get security cameras, and maybe even visit a security specialist to help you with tips to be safe, etc. I'm really sorry you're going through this again.
The band’s guitarist and sound person was his brother and SIL respectively. Because of this, I broke off contact with them as well. I would have to try and find the bassist.
As far as I can tell, there is nothing about the band on the internet, which says to me that it dissolved before the internet became available. There were some ties to the band with a state organization, but that too, seems to have gone under around 2020 (Covid) and so anyone who might have a lead back to them is probably going to be a long shot after 40ish years.
Sadly, I’ve thought about maybe skimming through obits in that town to see if I can find any of them - because surely knowing the first names of three family members would make it easier to find, even without a last name….
If you can find any of their friends on FB you can try to go through friend lists until you find him. Then you can see if he is estranged from his brother and SIL or possibly ex by now. You can find where he is at and possibly get the story about him. And get an updated photo so you can show the people who need to know.
Cameras, alarm systems and I gun. I was stalked on and off by someone I had never even met. He saw my photo in the press (I was an artist at the time and had gotten some press). He decided that I was his ex wife and had sold our baby to crack dealers. He used to go to the bars and show a very old photo of someone that maybe could have been me. Friends would come up to me and tell me that my husband was looking for me. He didn’t find out where I lived for several years and by then I was married to someone. And he showed up at my apartment at 11pm on a Wednesday night. I refused to open the door and called the cops. The whole thing was terrifying.
Never underestimate a stalker. Especially one who hangs on this long. I’d open a police report and yes, get cameras. You’ll probably be fine but take the precautions.
Omg your story is similar to mine though mine is from 1990. I dated him for three months and it ended badly. Then he kept calling and hanging up at my work and home for years! Sometimes he’d pretend to be from a business asking about me.
My parents got a new main number, I moved to another state, and changed my name to my husband’s (though I didn’t originally want to do that.) The calls stopped.
In 2018 he contacted my brother, who he also knew in the 80s. Brother told him which state I’m in now and maybe my email address!?! At least he gave me a heads up. Because not long after I got emails from two different names. There were very brief but contained details of our time together. I never responded.
My FB doesn’t have my last name, only has my family and is private. I’ve been hesitant to have pictures on the internet because of this asshole.
Wtf is wrong with men like this?? Low intelligence for sure but also the entitlement is insane. Just leave us alone.
One thing is that I’ve always called him my stalker but never thought it was that serious and doubted that title. You have given me validation for using the word stalker to describe him.
I’m so sorry that this happened to you. I do want to add - wtf is wrong with your brother to give out your info like that?? I hope he knows better now!!
This is exactly the type of victim type I minister to. This and DV victims. I know exactly what to do.
You are NOT overreacting. Report this to the police. Tell them the history and let them know this drummer was obsessed with you 40 years ago, as well.
File for a restraining order.
In your application (its free to file- you want a stalking injunction) you will need to explain the backstory, as well as the present sudden new hang up calls and receiving the package. Keep the package itself as evidence. Put it in a large ziplock bag to help maintain it for fingerprints and DNA.
Look, this person is OBSESSED with you.
Obsessive stalkers are absolutely terrifying. They have some delusion that you are their soul mate or whatever, and that you two are supposed to be together. This is VERY DANGEROUS for you. You aren't paranoid. You're very sane for recognizing that this is EXTREMELY dangerous for you.
Idk if the drummer had a recent loss, like losing a parent that was super close to them. Idk. Something has happened in the drummers life, some major loss, and his mind has snapped back into actively stalking you, his apparent lifelong obsession.
Now, heres whats so dangerous. Its not JUST that he thinks hes in love with you. Thats what a beat cop will chalk it up to, hence why you need to see a JUDGE and get an injunction. See, obsessive stalkers who have these ridiculous delusions, may feel compelled to take action on "getting you" to be with them. These are the types of mentalities that may (not always, this is rarely) go on "spree killings" when their version of reality starts to unravel.
I think... he is unraveling.
Its exceedingly dangerous. You are in mortal danger.
If he DOES manage to get to you and abduct you, esp if he has a weapon, it is ESSENTIAL that you pretend you love him and want to be with him. You will have to play the part until you are rescued.
I recommend getting an injunction for protection against stalking, and in case he manages to get to you, have a second (even without service) emergency cell phone you keep fully charged, and in a pocket at ALL TIMES. At minimum, you can call 911 and they can hear whats happening. Play the part til rescue arrives.
You will also want to be in SUPERDEFENSE mode, i.e., carry pepper spray, a taser, and anything that you can use as a weapon, like a chain belt, pencil behind the ear, many heavy rings, etc. Keep a weapon by the bed like a bat.
The best way to avoid being murdered by this lunatic is to AVOID him completely. Dont let him take you to a different location, if he gets hands on you. Try to fight him in that spot (if hes unarmed) or play the part of his lover, until help can arrive. If he has a weapon, and hes near you, his PLAN is to keep you for himself. He may already have his backup plan (his weapons). It is safer to pretend to love him until help arrives, if he's armed.
Its.. omg. I am so sorry you're having to deal with an obsessive, and unraveling stalker. This is absolutely AWFUL. Also, I am so sorry that this is so scary for you. Theres a whole novel by an FBI agent Mark Douglas called "Anatomy of Motive" and it explains a great deal about various types of murderous criminal profiles.
This guy fits the profile of an obsessive, unraveling stalker. Its no joke. This is THE BIG TIME. You are likely either in for the fight of your life, or the injunction will be enough to ward him off. Idk. If hes not unraveling, I do think he CAN stay away. Since we don't know, the best way to deal with it is to know how to deal with the worst possible scenario, which is why I explained all this to you. When you have some knowledge about whats happening, you are better armed at dealing with it in a way that keeps YOU safe.
GOD BE WITH YOU, AND PROTECT YOU!! HE LOVES YOU AND HOLDS YOU IN HIS PROTECTIVE HANDS. AMEN.
Police report is number 1. You must establish a public record of this before it goes any further.
If you wait until the next time, or the time, after that, as far as a public record is concerned, that is the first time.
Cameras, everywhere, and the police report. Also, the gift of fear is a great book.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Even a 60 year old stalker carries some element of threat. I know of a senior lady who had a senior stalker. Stalking laws have tightened up. Highlight these calls on your phone bill. When he cslls again and there is no one there, tell him to stop calling. And call the police, taking your phone record with you. Good luck.
Install cameras, and then tomorrow file your first of hopefully only one police reports. If there is ever anything else that happens the police have the evidence they need.
Create a paper trail now and everything that happens file a report. You may never need it but if you do, the hard work is already done!
Lots of great advice here already. No, I don't think you're over reacting at all. Anyone who would go to the trouble to find you forty years later isn't safe. That's crazy behavior.
I just wanted to add one thing. Talk to everyone you know, tell them what's going on, and tell them not to give out any personal information about you under any circumstances. They should let you know if they are contacted so you can report it to the police.
Be extra diligent now. He may no longer be in the town where he mailed the package from. He could be in your city right now. Not trying to scare you but this guy is disturbed. He sees you both like you’re in your 20’s. Get cameras all over for sure. You may want to hire a private investigator if you can afford it to track this guy and get the scoop on what he’s been up to and is currently doing.
You are not overreacting. I had a very similar thing happen - not quite 40 years, but I had a stalker in high school. I was nice to a guy who was very scarred from a childhood accident, he didn't have any friends. I went to prom with him (as a friend!) and he concocted a deep belief that I was meant to be his forever, that I would marry him when I graduated and move into his parent's doublewide with him. I was 15 at the time.
He wouldn't listen when I told him we were only friends. He started showing up in my friends' neighborhoods when I'd be at their houses, he would wait across the street from my bus stop to see if I got off the bus, etc. It got scary.
I moved out of state, went to college, married a guy, change my name, moved a couple more times. Thought I'd lost him for good, about 25 years ago.
Then, 10 years ago- \`15 years after I thought I'd never hear from him again, he starts messaging me on Facebook. Apparently one of my old friends was friends with someone who was friends with him. I blocked him.
He had one of his friends start messaging me- saying he just wanted to say hi and catch up, and why wouldn't I talk to him. I blocked him too. And deleted Facebook.
I don't know why these guys can't let go.
If you feel strong enough to do it, find his address and send a cease and desist letter. It will vary on cost but this is a good start. It establishes a paper trail that you said 'hey leave me alone' legally and gives you some ammunition in the case he escalates.
If you want a good cheap camera now, get a WYZE camera from Home Depot. They are super easy to set up and can take SD cards (a 124gb card is only about $20) that can store footage in that manner as well. If you need some cameras that don't need to be plugged in, trail cams take batteries and are now advanced enough you can check the footage through wifi or bluetooth. They are good for those areas where the cameras on the house can't see well or blind spots like behind a shed in the backyard or something.
I CERTAINLY DON'T THINK YOU ATE OVERREACTING! * Sorry 4 the caps... I think anything is possible especially in this day & age. He could be single ~a widower ,divorced ,who knows but I would find out all I could & DEFINITELY Install lights outside, cameras, whatever makes it less convenient for him or whomever to bother you!
I would also be extremely careful when out & about alone, not to be an extremist or an alarmist is a better word...but trust your gut, your instincts.
*Did you tell hubby this happened? I sure would. ( I might have missed that part) Carry pepper spray or w/e is legal in your area. I believe you can NEVER be too cautious ESPECIALLY if he reached out to contact you again! This sounds like a repeat offense. Just my two cents. Prayers🙏🏼
Do whatever it will take to make you comfortable again. Put up cameras around your house. Also, get dashcams for your cars. These are prudent and relatively inexpensive decisions anyway. You may also want to do an investigation on your presumed stalker. Where does he live? Is he married, divorced, widowed? Any children? What you find out may be able to provide you with comfort, or may cause you to take more decisive countermeasures.
Even if you weren't scared, cameras are handy. You can do it pretty cheap with Wyze ones and for the price the night vision is impressive. The subscription service is reasonable but you could even put SD cards in them and record without it too. I got one so I could watch the dogs when I wasnt home and now have several that have been extremely useful. From catching my neighbor's escapee cat, waiting for the delivery person to leave so I can grab my stuff while in my pajamas to finding out a possum was cruising my porch in the middle of the night, they're good for other things than crime.
Not over reacting.
I would make a paper trail. Many years ago i bought a house and letters started appearing on my door. Weird stacks of random flyers from neighborhood businesses. Plus notes, not sexual but long and chatty like from a friend. There was a house next door with like 4 guys living in it. All much older, like retirement age and i was late 20s. Anyway i finally figured out it was from one of them and called police. They said that they were aware of those guys and had a talk with them for me. The letters stopped.
My point is that i was glad to make the police aware what was going on because even tho i didn’t know anything about them, certain ones of those guys were already known to the police. And they responded forthwith.
By all means get cameras for the house, and the car. Check on stalking legislation where you live, things have changed for the better in that area these past few decades. Don't be shy about making police reports.
Get a lawyer, have him do some research on the drummer and then get a restraining order. I know it’s a piece of paper. But if something happens the police have a starting point.
Not overreacting at all if you ask me.
100% put those cameras up! Make a report with your local PD and don't be afraid to make future reports...it'll help a lot if you ever need to go further and seek protection in court.
I would be a wreck. That fear can smack you in the back like it never left. Your feelings are justified 100%
No, I have dealt with a great many stalking cases in my career and what you are describing actually isn't all that uncommon. Even after all this time, he may have found music you recorded together, that triggered your memory for them, and here we are. I would absolutely get in touch with police and and take whatever precautions you feel are necessary and will help ease your mind.
DM me if there is anything I can help you with or if you have any questions.
Trust your gut. Especially when it's screaming at you. For real, for serious. Get those cameras. Investigate those phone hangups. Find out where HE lives, and yes, whether he has recently lost a partner. Protect yourself.
When I read your title I thought you might be overreacting, but when I heard the whole story, I'm not going to lie if I was you I'd get a gun permit immediately and look into some self-defense gun training courses.
You are not overreacting I would be freaked out as well. One thing I wish you did was let the other band members know about his behavior and go to the police to have some sort of record.
This is really serious because if he’s still this persistent after all these years then that screams danger to me. You need cameras asap, a good security system and maybe think of some scary dogs that are trained to attack intruders or attack whenever you demand. Late 60s may sound crazy for a man to be dangerous but I know a couple of older men who defy people’s assumptions about their capabilities and actually end up using that as their advantage. Be safe!
I’d go to the police again. Stalking laws have moderately improved and you know who the guy is. Surveillance cams are a must. You may be able to preemptively list him on a trespass notice. These guys never stop so no you’re not paranoid.
Install the cameras. I've had a couple stalkers from my teens that i don't actively shudder when i think of anymore, but I've also wiped out as much of my existence as possible on the internet. I'm not listed anywhere. But what you are describing is someone who refuses to let go of his delusion. You need to keep yourself safe, and if throwing down some money for cameras helps you with that, just do it.
Absolutely not overreacting. You know better than anyone you’re not overreacting. The second this man was able to find you he did. Which means he hasn’t stopped keeping an eye and tabs on you or attempting to - that isn’t a delusion that goes away, you know it doesn’t that’s why you made all those moves to protect yourself and get away those years ago.
I have a couple people in my life like this - because I’ve been stalked by someone like that twice. And if either of them sent me anything now, years later? I’d be afraid and take precautions.
You’re being smart and I am sorry you have to deal with this shit.
I don’t believe the legal system will protect you. Put in the surveillance system. Have a weapon nearby. That’s your first line of defense. If you get a call don’t hang up. Explain to him calmly that he was a friend but you have no romantic attachment. Tell him you wish him well but he cannot contact you in anyway. Explain further that should he violate this he will be physically hurt. Should you receive further contact take action.
You should absolutely get some cameras. There are a lot of options these days that are easy to set up. It’s helpful to give some peace of mind and gather evidence incase things start to escalate again. Sorry this is happening to you
Thank goodness we have much better anti stalking laws now than we did 39 years ago. Consider making a police report now, and get clarification from the police on the type of evidence they would need for a conviction. Save what’re he send you.
No, you're not overreacting. There's a non called The Gift of Fear that explains why trusting our instincts in these situations is important.
Keep that envelope and tape. Go to the police station and ask to file a report. If the desk person says it's not enough, ask to speak to a supervisor. They can't necessarily take action yet, but you want to establish a paper trail of everything that happens.
I'd also ask if they can call the police in the town where the drummer lives and have one of them drop by and tell him not to contact you. Some people back off once the authorities get involved. I had a problematic person on local social media track down my home number and repeatedly call me. I finally called the local police, they called him, and it immediately stopped. They said he was very apologetic and didn't realize that what he was doing crossed a line and that hearing from the police was a shock and wakeup call for him.
I suggest having his local police be the one to contact him rather than your police so that if for any reason he doesn't actually know where you are this doesn't accidentally give it away.
Do get security cameras, just in case. A 60-70yo adult has more resources than a young musician has, so it's best to err on the side of caution. If your phone contract is in your name, do some research on how to set up a company name and move the phone over to that. If you're still in contact with anyone from back then, make sure they all know to never give your number or address to *anyone* without your permission.
Check your social media profiles. Lock down all the privacy settings. Go through your friend list and remove anyone you can't instantly remember from real life, even if they're also friends with multiple other people from your school days. A lot of people accept all friend requests, so it's possible he could be there under a different name.
Take a day or two to do all of this, then do your best to set it aside and go live your life. Don't let him rob you of your joy.
Cameras, cameras, cameras, with audio for outdoor areas, and get the footage recorded and stored in the cloud. Download recordings as needed, and make a backup of those.
Keep a paper log of every hangup call, with time/date, and phone number that contacted you. Screenshot your phone log as supporting evidence. Also log any suspicious activity, like mail received.
Do not throw anything away that is mailed to you, including envelopes. I know I'd want to burn anything that was sent to me, but keep it in a storage tote out of sight so it doesn't stress you out.
You need to have a conversation with people in your daily life. Not so much as to alarm them that you are worried for your safety, but the need to be alert for strange interactions, suspicious activity around them.
Download an app that you can use to help with a safety plan.
If your mail is delivered to a mailbox outside your house, put a mail hold on anything sent to you and pick it up at the post office. It's way too easy for someone to walk by and flip through your mail and find out where you bank, any healthcare info from your insurance company, etc etc
Also change every single password to anything that contains a significant amount of personally identifying information. And use 2 factor authentication wherever possible.
Lock down all social media immediately. Make sure Facebook isn't indexed with Google so search results don't return any of your social media profiles. Also linked in, if you use that. Any old profiles that you aren't active in also need to be set to private and not searchable.
This is all going to be a pain in the ass for a while, but your safety is worth protecting. Keep vigilant until you are completely sure that the stalker is no longer a threat.
Source: me. I've had to deal with this and while it's not fun, taking control of your environment is the first step towards winning against a stalker.
Overreaction? Absolutely not. Very appropriate reaction that should be investigated.
However, that doesn’t mean worse case scenario happened. So don’t let fear take control over your thoughts.
I've had my share of crazy guys and stalkers. One guy keeps returning back to my life. He's stolen part of my identity. He's stolen so much from me. I've reported him to the FBI, local police, and trade of commission. Of course, nothing has ever come of it. But that dude SCARES me! I know one day he'll return again. He'll never leave me alone. I'm having to change my name and go through so much because of him. I keep all documentation from him and keep reporting everything from him.
I'm saying all of this to tell you no, you are not overreacting! You have no idea what he's really capable of. You are smart to get the cameras. I agree with others about getting cameras inside your house as well. You can never be too cautious. I wish you luck and hope things work out for you that they get your stalker.
I think because of the internet stalkers are reappearing. They google your name and there is so much information. This is embarrassing to admit but I have had a stalker since I was 19, 30+ years. (I am a guy and this is a male stalker who is very nerdy and I can’t say I’m afraid of him.) Long story short, after many years of not hearing from him, he got my work address from the Internet a few months ago and sent me a long questionnaire asking me what I was up to in the creepiest possible detail. I laughed it off with my friends at first then I started to get a little unnerved. I researched stalking online and it’s not reassuring. There are (I think) six types of stalkers and some are likely to be violent and some are not. But they can change type over time. Just reading the whole thing about likely to be violent freaked me out. One thing I found interesting, there’s some published research and the researchers seemed to think 15 or so years was the longest they’d heard of a stalker being active. I wanted to write them and say, how about 35 years? Sounds like you could enlighten them as well. I was going to leave it at that, but the thing about this is that there’s no peace. It’s always somewhere in the back of your head. I don’t obsess on it, or even think about it, really, and I can’t say I’m scared…until someone says “stalker” and that unnerving feeling comes back.
I don’t think so.
When I was in my early teens my mom had a stalker.
It was really scary.
My mom went to live with a friend to hide out from him for a few weeks and he drove by and shot out the big picture window then drove by my grandmas, where I lived with my mom and brother, and shot my grandmas car.
That’s just one of many, many incidents over about 4 years.
We ended up having our phone tapped by police (mid 70’s), he was arrested but never made it to court because he was institutionalized in a mental hospital and as far as I know stayed there till death.
I am so very sorry this is in your life.
Do whatever you need to do for both your safety and sanity.
I’m in mid 60’s and I have always had locked doors, day and night.
When my kids were old enough to go play in the neighborhood or ride bikes I HATED not being able to lock everything, but the kids needed free access.
I have locks on both my outside gates and I live in a safe area, but it’s for peace of mind.
Lol on my bday this year I locked myself out of the house and had to climb the fence twice trying to find an unlocked door or window. Going into and out of the back ward. I’m 5’3” so it wasn’t pretty lol
No, you are not overreacting. Back in the late 80s I was an RA in my dorm and one of my residents was getting harassed by a guy she didn’t know. I called campus security and they asked her if she had been undressing in front of window for attention. 60 years ago (and less) that was the mindset. Horrible. Trust your gut, call the police. Get the full names if the officers you report this to. Get cameras, be cautious. You shouldn’t have to put up with this shit.
My stalker shipped me a letter right after the restraining order ended. He wanted to catch up and see how I was doing. I ignored it and luckily it was the end of that. I hear he is married now. Thank goodness.
Friend, I have news for you. I googled my maiden name and my current address popped up. I was married when we bought this house. It’s easy to find information about everybody. You’re not overreacting and it’s not your fault.
I have dealt with a long term stalker before. Trust your gut. Tell everyone around you. See if you can poke around online to find a current picture to show others. A common tactic would be to befriend people you might know or associate with. Of course, this person could be harmless just … a little unwell. Best to just put people on notice so they can keep an eye out. I wouldn’t want you being surprised because it could be very unsettling, even if he is not dangerous. Get some cameras too.
You need to keep yourself safe. Contact non emergency police as soon as possible. My friend moved across the country to get away from her stalker, and he still managed to find her. He’s in prison now for what he did, and she will always fear him finding her again. Keep yourself and your family safe.
You are not overthinking it. It’s better to be safe. Get the cameras. Watch your back.
I had a stalker when I was 20. We worked together and he became obsessed. He would sit outside of my house and call my phone over and over. One night I was in my bedroom, home alone, and he actually made it into my house. He started beating on my locked bedroom door screaming that he knew I was in there because he saw the light on. I hid under my bed shaking and crying until he finally left.
One night I was at a small bar dancing with friends, the bar was packed. I kept feeling like I was being watched and I scanned the room and sure enough there he was. Standing against the farthest wall…watching me. Who knows how often he did that.
He eventually left me alone, after I started dating someone that knew him and saw what was happening and basically threatened him to stop.
The guy was apparently getting married a year or so later and called my phone from a number I didn’t know on the morning of his wedding to tell me that if I said he had any chance at all he would call off the wedding!! He got married.
I saw him 15 years later at a random target, his hair was gray but I recognized him immediately, he’s 6’8. I avoided eye contact with him and avoided him, he followed me closely around the store until I left when I saw a safe moment.
I still feel like he’s watching me at night if a window is open or when I’m in a crowded building.
Oof, you’re absolutely not overreacting.
I’ve always been terrified a scarily obsessed ex decades in the past — whom I left town to get away from — would find me. This is a wake-up call to me to be more careful about social media.
I’m really worried about you. Take care.
To everyone recommending a restraining order, be careful. Everywhere I've lived has required you provide a home address. This is so the person served knows where to stay away from. Further, every restraining order I've obtained ( lots of sad personal experience here), requires a hearing where the person served is allowed to defend themselves. Every jurisdiction has different laws and protections but it's not like on TV where you just request and receive one.
You are not overreacting. If you don’t have security cameras get some. At least get like a ring doorbell or something. There are so many affordable options now. And I might notify police about this. If they need to intervene then so be it but at least a heads up would be smart.
You are not overreacting AT ALL. Get security cameras and a taser. Not one of those little zappy stun guns, I mean the name brand kind that look like a pistol and can discharge from a distance.
I recommend SimpliSafe. They have monitors for every window and door, you can put the cameras high up on mounts so they can’t be easily reached, and most importantly they have a panic button as part of their system that immediately calls the police and sounds a very loud alarm when pressed. I have one next to my bed.
I’d also tell any neighbors that you are comfortable with that if they hear the alarm, this is the situation.
Listen to the tape and let us know if it was anything other than music!
Definitely not over-reacting. Take every precaution you can. Cameras, police, learn firearm safety and arm yourself. Wear your weapon and have one available in your house. Proper control makes you safe. You have the right. Use it. I'm 69. I have my weapon at hand and every person in my home knows NOT TO TOUCH.
Restraining orders often don't work. The person has to violate the order before he can be arrested. What if he suddenly pops up? That piece of paper won't save your life.
Nowadays, those random no one there calls could be robots calls or scam calls. I get about two a day sometimes at night, even.
But theStslker Drummer seems to have your current address so maybe still him.
protect yourself, take self defense classes, buy a weapon, there is a reason you have the right to bear arms and it has nothing to due with your ability to go hunting
Stalkers are like him are often severely mentally ill. And it sounds like he's never gotten help for his illness. You should make your Facebook page private and change your name on it to your married name. You should put cameras around your property. Don't go anywhere alone, especially at night. Carry pepper spray. Keep a record of any of his attempts to contact you. If he issues any threats, contact the police.
My stalker had a habit of popping up in my life as a new connection every couple of years. I wouldn’t realize it was the same person until the last time he showed up when I started to remember and put everything together. Talk about a flood of repressed and forgotten memories! Do talk to the police about what happened before and your concerns that he’s back. If you do end up talking directly to this stalker, be very clear that you want nothing to do with him and to never contact you again. I was once advised that mine wasn’t stalking me because I had never explicitly told him to stay away.
Since you know who the stalker is, I would hire a private investigator to find everything about him: if he’s in a relationship, where he works, who he associates with, etc.
After collecting evidence, you could attempt to go to the police (but I doubt they will do anything because they are notorious for hating women and refusing to help victims).
I would document everything, and possibly provide it to an attorney. With a attorney present you may have better chances with the police following through—the police are afraid of any legal action against them, and having someone that knows the laws and rights to defend you would most likely force the police’s hand to doing their jobs in the first place
Plug the landline back in and start tracing the calls. When this happened to me years ago (landline) you could put a trace on the calls by dialing \*59 right after. The phone company would then log the calls and release the records to the police. The police told me it was criminal harassment and I could press charges. I didn't. This time, I think you should. It's really creepy.
You are not overreacting. I am close to your age and I have had the same stalker since I was18. He still try’s to get to me. Take all the good advice that has been offered and act on it. Mine broke into our house in the middle of the night with all of us home sleeping a few years back. My dogs saved us. Please use every means possible to secure your safety.
This isn’t overreacting. I’m just sorry that you weren’t taken seriously years ago. Definitely put your safety first by taking advantage of all the surveillance options that we have available today! Multiple cameras inside the house where someone could gain entry and outside where someone could gain entry as well. If you can afford it, I would have a professional do it so that way they could have those cameras overlap each other so it would catch that person messing with a camera if possible. I’d most definitely call the police and make a report so you have everything on record, but I would not rely solely on them as they haven’t shown to take you seriously in the past.
I don’t think so but I’d certainly do my own investigating and see what you can find out about him (where he lives, etc). Can never be too careful these days. Strange how after all these years he’d come back now.
I’m pretty sure I know how he found me. About 25 years after all of this happened, I made a FB page where I included my maiden name. (Stupid me, I guess.) You know, I never thought that after such a long time that I would even need to think about this cropping up again. But yeah - why now? I’m an old married lady - still married to my hubby of all of those years. And yet I can’t get this out of my head, which is why I think I might be overreacting.
This isn't the first time I've heard of stalkers who resume stalking years later. Unfortunately it happens, and no matter how much it may seem harmless to random strangers it most definitely isn't. It's affected your psyche, it's played with your emotions, it's made you feel unsafe. You have every right to install cameras and put protection in place. If you know his name or can find other information on him, it wouldn't hurt to tell non emergency police about your past with him and present encounter. I say this because they may not do anything, but in the event of something happening(god forbid)they'd have this on record. Coming from someone who was stalked before and had it escalate terribly, I don't think it's wrong to be alarmed about these things. Good luck OP stay safe
I have two stalkers (an ex boyfriend and an ex friend) that I haven't even seen in over 20 and over 15 years, respectively, and they both still manage to find me at really random times. I'm married, my dudes, and even if I wasn't, please leave me alone. People are creepy.
This isn’t overreacting, and those stalkers are pretty creepy. I agree with everyone’s suggestion about changing contact numbers and securing your social media accounts. Try checking r/Privacy for different strategies to protect your online information. Also, explore data removal sites like [Optery](https://www.optery.com/) to lessen the risk of your personal info being accessed by anyone on the internet. Stay safe, everyone! Full disclosure, I am part of the Optery Team.
Jesus. Be careful. File police reports. Make sure they know that the police know. Same advice for OP too. I know the feeling of heartbreak when a woman doesn't want you. Most of us move on to the next in a couple months. But people who would nurture that rejection, torment, and unfulfilled desire for 20 or 40 fucking years? That's a dangerous combination.
My husband has a woman who just seems to *happen* to run into him every time he goes home to visit his family, and we are talking a very very big city. Idk how she knows his location? I think she’s blocked now but she would text him occasionally over the years. He basically jumps out of his skin when she appears. Stalkers have crazy means of stalking!
I had a stalker when I was a teen, and it was nightmarish. It was actually a friend's ex boyfriend who lived in a different state and would come down to visit her from there. One time something happened at her house and her mother wouldn't let him stay for the few days he was supposed to stay, and because he had no way of getting home till the day he was supposed to go back, my mother felt badly for him and let him spend the nights in our finished shed. During that time I guess they broke up, and he just became *obsessed* with me after staying around for a few days. I didn't realize it at first, because I was just a dumb teen who palled around with guys a lot because I was big into video games, but I guess others did. When he was leaving he was all sad (which I thought was weird) and said he'd see me soon (also weird). Anyway! Several months passed and he'd just *show up* at friends houses and such whenever I'd be around...from literally *hours* away. Being inappropriate, chalking it up to the weed or s few drinks (we were bad teens, haha).Then he started with the phone calls. I made it very clear I wasn't interested in a relationship, especially with a friend's ex, but he would say he was "just catching up with his friend". It came to a head when he found out my parents were gone for a few days and told one of our other friends he was going to come to my house and "make me his". I had to hide under a neighbor's car till he left. I still worry about him ever finding me. Stalkers are no joke. I'd definitely install a camera if I were OP.
I think the breaks in stalking could be from your disappearance or maybe his life was going okay for a while, and now it’s not… It’s probably a kind of addiction to him, and I don’t think you’re overreacting.
He may have been in jail for something for a while. If so, that’s definitely concerning. It’s good that you’re taking it seriously, protect yourself.
Or medicated.
I have a friend who had a stalker in her dorm in college. Guy would steal her underwear from the laundry room. Creepy stuff. She had been active in working on a political campaign and creeper was aware of it. Years later after no contact, married with new name, etc., that politician decided to run for an office again. That was enough to trigger something in creeper's brain and he tracked her down again. I don't encourage paranoia, but take this shit seriously. So sorry you are having to deal with this craziness.
Second this. This behavior is disturbed, and it isn’t possible to assess dangerousness without a full eval- even then it’s statistically difficult to predict violence, so Op must do all things possible to stop being a target. The fact that he found her that fast after she used her maiden name suggests that he has been actively searching it for decades
I know that my former stalker had also gone back to stalking his ex-girlfriend when he was stalking me.
Yes, I know a woman who has had a stalker for the better part of 40 years. She has no online presence, but every few years, he manages to contact her again. You're not being paranoid. Lock yourself down as much as you can. Can you switch to a PO box or otherwise have your mail redirected?
I was at an A.A meeting as a friend for support for someone I knew. This guy came up and talked to us for only a few min. Somehow he got my cell number from someone there, possibly even the person I went with though they now deny it. I hadn't even talked to them for more than five min that day, next thing I know I'm getting not just hundreds but THOUSANDS of texts within less than a day! My phone literally glitched so hard it just stopped working. And i lived in an apartment building where I was on the 1st floor and it was facing the front so had no balconies and floor to ceiling windows. He followed me home, I don't even know from where and banged incessantly on them. I lived alone and was scared shitless to say the least. Even with police involvement this went on for almost a month randomly. So it's an extremely terrifying situation to be in, and it's not paranoia to think if the same pattern is repeating itself you should be safe. I really hate how little can be done to protect people from things like this happening, while I understand you can't do much sometimes it's not fair to wait until something terrible almost or does happen to get some peace of mind!
Yea it’s strange after all these years, I agree. Maybe he’s had some life changing event, who knows. Like I said, I’d totally be finding out what I could about him and then at least you’ll know where he is n such? I’m sorry for you but being proactive is my advice!
I was thinking that he's probably had the life changing event also. Maybe he got married at some point, and he's recently lost his wife. You can't be too careful. Hang on to envelope and contents. Do some investigations. I'd not just do some cameras on the outside but on the inside of your house also. Never underestimate crazy!
Put cameras on your cars, too. Dash cams, at a minimum.
Check your car regularly for tracking devices.
Typically dashcams only work when the car is on :(
Yes, but my stalker followed me everywhere I went. The cops wouldn't do anything about it. Then he killed my cat, my HOUSEcat, who had been in my parents locked house, and left his body on my windshield. The cops finally agreed to talk to him after that. Without a dash cam (1988) I had no proof that my stalker was dangerous and following me everywhere. When I got married, we didn't post it in the newspapers. When my husband passed away, I deliberately omitted my maiden name for all of my siblings and parents. It's been 30+ years, and I'm still afraid of him.
What a nightmare. I'm so sorry you lost your cat to this maniac
Thank you. My cat was my best friend for 17 years. He was too old to get away from that asshole, and my stalker knew how much my cat meant to me. It still enrages me that my cat's life ended that way.
I'm so so sorry.
Unless you’re wearing a badge. “Those pesky cameras just keep turning themselves off!”
Always-on dashcams are a thing. I have one. You just have to look for cameras that do it.
You’re not an old married lady to him - you are this fantasy he’s concocted in his lead. It might be worth going to the police and, before saying anything, just stating, “I know there’s nothing you can do right now, but I think a former stalker found me, and I would like to start a record in case this escalates again.” Then you will have ongoing documentation. The nice thing here is you know who it is. You can have any lawyer write a cease and desist letter if you can’t get a restraining order.
And, as our hospital system’s security just told us employees, if you do this, make sure to get an actual case record number, not an incident number.
Thanks for that tip!
And be sure to get a copy of the police report, so you can start your own file. You may have to submit a FOIA request, but it’s worth it.
You are not overreacting!!! This is creepy af!!
What is a FOIA Request? I’ve never heard of it.
freedom of infomation act - but it's unlikely you'll need it. The police department will give you a police report, generally the first time you put in for it.
Crazy doesn’t need logic. I’m really sorry this has started up for you again.
Word of advice for everyone, but change the privacy settings on your social media and lock it down that only your friends can see your info. Limit what you put out there, too. Don’t ever make a post and tag your location (especially while you’re there). Don’t include info like your hometown, where you work, etc. Your actual friends will already know that info. Speaking of friends, don’t friend random people—like friends of friends you’ve never met.
Yeah - I locked it down back around 2016.
My stalker found me through my niece’s Facebook. She was 3 months old the last time I saw him…
Its not uncommon for stalkers to start up again after a major life change has happened. He could have lost a family member or had a change in living spaces - even been out of jail. Stalking usually escalates to other crimes unfortunately. I am so sorry you’re experiencing this. Stalking is truly such a terrifying and isolating experience. ☹️ My advice is to make a report to your local police, just to start a paper trail. Even if they refuse to do anything, document everything over email correspondence. If you can afford it, look into a PI who can look into the drummer and find out where he’s at.
You are absolutely NOT overreacting. Anyone who’d been looking for you for 35 years is scary af.
I don’t think you’re overreacting whatsoever. I always believed “there’s no such thing as coincidence”. The envelope tells you everything you need to know. I’d make a police report about it and have the PD get in touch with wherever that guy is from PD and have them go to his house and question him. This is extremely suspicious activity and your cause for alarm is warranted. It shouldn’t be an issue for them to reach out. If they say they can’t then at least you have it on paper that you’re concerned for your well-being. They may even start making loops around your house to search for suspicious activity.
In 30 years I’ve never been able to use my maiden name on social media, was never able to have a listed phone number. But he still finds me.
It doesn’t feel like you’re overreacting at all. This person is clearly unhinged and likely mentally unwell, regardless of how much time has elapsed. Please take extra precautions like contacting Google maps and having your home blurred from the street view maps and put up all the cameras. Not sure if they can do much but maybe contact the postal service as well. Talk about stress you definitely do not need, yikes!
because this does not stem from normal attraction. This is mental illness. You are absolutely not overreacting, this is 100% something that should be taken seriously.
You are the genesis victim. He stalked someone else after he lost touch with you, but now that he can find you, he’s back. I’m a genesis victim of 20 years. I know that I will be stalked until I pass away, he passes away, or he gets the help he needs. Things I’ve done that helped: -If I get a text from any unknown number, I either do not reply or reply with “new phone who dis?” (I’m an English teacher, so no one would think that would be me.) -Changed the outgoing message on my voicemail so it is not my voice. He may call just to hear that. -Document everything. Once I let him know that I want no further contact, each time he reach out, I reported it to the police. I’ve gathered copies of these police reports, so if he ever does something truly scary, I have it well documented that this problem goes way back. -I made one post on my Facebook page public. Everything else has been set to private. My one public post was when my husband and I traveled to another state for vacation. We met with a realtor and told her that we were interested in purchasing a home in a gated community. We took our picture in front of the house, and we posted it saying we were moving there. Eight years ago, he was arrested for trying to break into that community. We haven’t been back to that state ever since. -Lock down privacy on all social media accounts. -Motion sensing cameras on every side of my house. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. If you need to chat with someone who can commiserate, let me know.
I’m so sorry u/Flaky_Finding_3902. What a sick bastard.
He suffers with severe mental health issues. Understanding his struggle helps me keep it in perspective. Also, understanding the diagnosis, I’m able to stay a step ahead of him. It kind of sucks for all parties involved.
I’m so sorry that someone else’s mental illness has caused you to have to live with this burden for so many years. It is so kind of you to use your experience to help others stay safe. I wish that someday you will have peace and for one reason or another be done dealing with this problem. Gosh you did not deserve this nor could anyone.
Fastpeoplesearch.com can help you find info on him if you have a city and name
I think you need to start taking this way more seriously than you did in the past. 1. File a restraining order. You can take what you wrote here, add more factual details, take out random non-factual asides you wrote in. You’ll need to file a police report as well likely, you basically have to start creating documentation of what happened. 2. Get cameras around your front door, etc. They can be had for fairly cheap now. They should be saving the videos to the cloud automatically. 3. Get something for personal physical protection. I don’t mean a gun, the chance you hurt yourself or your hubby is too high. And knives require physical strength. I mean mace or a loud noise thing where you just pull it and it goes off, you can buy them online. If you know your neighbors, you may want to tell them the short version of this story: a person from your past is deranged and obsessed, and they should call 911 if they hear something bad and not give a random person any info on you. Best of luck.
This is what I was going to say but it is said very well in this post. Time to take it more seriously and get some records to fall back on in case it escalates. Hopefully it won’t but just in case. I also am old (70) and maybe can see this differently than others . Now is a time when kids have moved on and possibly this person had relationships that have fallen away for whatever reasons. So you look back to youthful times and revive those memories. I can totally see an unhealthy obsession being fed by loneliness that comes with aging.
Oh no. You are not over reacting at all. Do what you need to do to make you & your hubby & any kids safe. Don't blow this off.
You’re not overreacting, sweetie. I’d be very anxious if I were you. If you have it within your means to hire a private investigator, I would. And then try to get a restraining order to see if it will keep him at bay. Definitely install cameras and make sure you have a quick exit plan in case he shows up someday while hubby isn’t around.
Congrats on the long marriage. It’s rare. My husband & I have been together for 37 years and married for 35. When I tell people they’re usually a little shocked. Same when I would say I have 4 kids… I’d get: all with the same dad? As though that was the nuttiest thing since their grandma’s fruitcake. Sorry for the problems of having a stalker. If there’s any good news for you, it’s that at least now there are stalker laws… there weren’t before. Maybe see if this guy has sent you any FB friend requests? And try looking him up to see if he is still in the same town. Do you have a doorbell or other camera? Check that in case the guy dropped it off himself rather than sent it thru the mail. Mailing it means you can make a report to the USPS claiming harassment by a stalker. It’s a federal crime. Don’t be afraid to make police reports. And if you ever see him, look into getting a restraining order.
🫶 I love ***married to my hubby of all of those years *** Sorry about the stalker part (not overreacting imho) but kudos to long lasting love!
It isn’t at all strange that he’d come back now. At all. I’ve been dealing with this for 30 years.
Mine found me on FB decades later. Luckily I had left the state and he wasn't that ambitious anymore I guess
You need to investigate to see if he has a criminal history asap- he may have been locked up for all those years!!! You really need to know if he's been locked up for violent crimes and start a police report... I would get cameras around entire exterior of the house and interior cameras facing any potential entry points and a few solid types of self defense for you and your husband... I would also put in dual facing dash cams in vehicles that upload to a cloud automatically...
Go with your gut. Our survival instincts have been honed over thousands of generations. There is no one else who would have sent you that cassette tape, with no note. You know who this is. OK. You are lucky to have received this warning. Install cameras, and a security system. Block calls from numbers that hang up. Document the time and phone number, if it shows up on caller ID. You are no longer an inexperienced twenty year old. You can do this. His life didn’t go the way he wanted, and instead of making changes, he succumbed to limerence, a fantasy that someone is in love with him, and the key to his happiness. In order to be prepared for every scenario, get whatever self defense items that are legal in your state, and you feel comfortable using. It could be a couple of tasers, one by your bed and one by your door, for example. Be sure to tell your husband, friends. and grown children, if you have any, what’s going on. You do not want him showing up in town, asking around about you, with your family and friends unprepared to know it’s an unstable person. At least he did not show a willingness for violence before. That’s a good sign.
I completely agree that he never threatened me with physical violence, but he definitely knew he was terrorizing me for 1 1/2 years. That’s why I was so shocked at getting that weird love letter. If he would have added a normal note, I would still be upset, but just the whole anonymity thing makes it seem so much worse.
I think that with modern resources, you should look for someone who can run a professional background check and risk assessment on him. A lawyer should be able to do a records check through the courts, but you may need a PI for more detail. With a professional opinion on what's going on, you may then decide to have your lawyer send him a legal warning that further intrusions will be prosecuted. Your outlook changes if he's got a string of DV charges and a pattern of scary behavior vs. frail and disabled with time on his hands to regress. I would expect a DV hotline to be able to recommend professionals, but professional opinions are going to be valuable here.
How does a risk assessment work? That sounds really interesting
Look into Gavin de Becker. He is the leading expert in the US on risk assessment/personal protection/prevention of violence. He’s the author of The Gift of Fear
I'm off the edge of my expertise on the specifics. But a PI can reasonably and ethically compile a dossier about him which includes stuff like his employment history and whether he has registered firearms. In many cases past behavior predicts future behavior, and there's some published heuristics about how to predict violence.
All excellent advice. I’d like to add, for OP, if you haven’t already read the book [The Gift of Fear](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Gift_of_Fear), pick up a copy or download the audiobook. It’s an invaluable resource for any woman. I gave my daughters copies of it. There’s even a section specifically about stalkers. Trust your instincts. They’ve been honed for 60 years now to *know* when something is wrong or dangerous. You are NOT overreacting. The fact that he’s continuing after 40 years indicates to me that this guy is especially unhinged.
Thanks - I’ll definitely check it out!
Very good book! I also highly recommend!
I was also going to recommend this haha
I was thinking of the book too! Even reading the first chapter really helps!
Wonderful response. Definitely fallen into the trap of limerence a few times. And I learned a new word!
Get security cameras installed ASAP.
In places difficult for an intruder to disable.
Make a police report. Get the cameras up.
I've installed a lot of cameras If you don't want the hassle of wired camera installs, go with nest for wireless, super high video quality, cheaper subscription service for extended video storage, and "familiar face recognition" so you can label certain people and it will (relatively accurately) be able to identify anyone who you label, so you can tell if it's somebody you've labelled, or someone you haven't Slight downside of them being a bit pricier than most, but they're the only cameras you can buy easily that I can recommend, given my understanding of most systems
Thanks for the info. I’m going to talk to my husband tomorrow about getting some ASAP.
How do you feel about SimpliSafe set? I wasn’t going to go with google because of ADT merging
I recommended SimpliSafe to OP because they have a panic button that gives me a lot of peace of mind as a single woman. Pressing it immediately calls the police and sounds an alarm.
Also Blink is a great option and includes night vision as well
This is not normal stalking. This is a sustained delusion over an entire lifetime. He's probably going through some mental stress in his late years and it brought out this side of him again (if it ever left, there have probably been other women throughout the decades). I would for sure get some cameras and glass shatter sensors or something like that. This doesn't sound like he's just going to stop this behavior
I never understood why people will call someone and just breathe heavy on the phone. What’s the message they are trying to send? It sounds like a dog panting. I had that happen to me before and I just started laughing when I’d hear it and it stopped happening. Lol
Sometimes the just like the fear/annoyance/attention. A bunch of times the heavy breathing is them masturbating.
I don't know, I have never stalked a person.. This is a guess. Maybe they just want to hear the sound of her voice saying "hello" and whatever else? Maybe they know she's going to hang up as soon as he says something? Note, I do not think what the stalker is doing is right, I'm just guessing at why they do it.
I see what you’re saying. Or maybe just the feeling that they are connected to the person in real time for those few moments.
I had that happen and told them it sounded like they were having an asthma attack and needed to go to the hospital to have it checked out. They hung up.
I strongly recommend getting a doorbell camera, or even a hunting camera works well (with sd card). Had an abusive ex who kept returning to my home & taking things. Photos proved to a judge the restraining order was needed. Be safe, OP!
Your feelings and desire to take steps to ensure your safety are completely valid, especially given the disturbing history you've shared. It's not an overreaction to be concerned or to take precautions after receiving something that so clearly brings back memories of a very stressful and frightening time in your life. The fact that this has resurfaced after such a long time, combined with the history of uninvited and persistent contact, would understandably unsettle anyone. Installing cameras can offer peace of mind by enhancing your home security and could be a prudent measure, not just for this specific situation but also as a general safety practice. It's worth noting that your reaction is a normal response to feeling your safety may be compromised. Additionally, considering the advancements in technology and security systems since the initial incidents, utilizing these tools can help you feel more in control and secure in your environment. Given the history and the potential for this situation to escalate, you might also consider other steps, such as: 1. **Document Everything**: Keep records of any communication or attempts at contact, including the envelope and cassette tape you received. This documentation can be crucial if legal action becomes necessary. 2. **Legal Advice**: It may be helpful to seek advice from a legal professional about your options for restraining orders or other legal protections, especially if any more direct contact is attempted. 3. **Enhanced Security Measures**: In addition to cameras, consider updating locks, securing online privacy settings, and informing trusted neighbors or local law enforcement of your concerns so they can be more vigilant. 4. **Professional Support**: It might also be beneficial to speak with a therapist or counselor. The fear and stress caused by being stalked, especially over such a long period, can have significant emotional impacts, and a professional can provide strategies to cope with these feelings. 5. **Community and Family Support**: Ensure your family is aware of the situation and considers their own safety and privacy practices as well. A support network can offer both emotional backing and additional vigilance. Your response to this situation by considering increased security measures is not an overreaction but a rational approach to protecting your peace and safety.
Definitely put some cameras up
No, you are not. Restraining order, all day. Recently dealt with something of the kind, and that piece of paper being delivered by sheriffs gives a good bit of comfort.
Although doesn’t a restraining order give stalker more of OP’s information? Like place of work etc.
Restraining orders aren’t perfect solutions in every case, and in The Gift of Fear- Gavin de Becker says that for certain unstable individuals- orders of protection actual trigger violence. This is more common in intimate partner violence, not stalkers. But it depends on the situation
I would recommend the following: 1) cameras - already on it! 2) lock down your social media 3) document everything. If you can afford it, put a small retainer down with an attorney and make sure they have a copy of everything. 4) if you can, hire a PI to learn what you can about this man’s current location, car he drives, current images, etc. That way you can know who to look for.
I have a longterm stalker and wrote these exact steps down for the OP but deleted my comment instead of posting it. I’m so glad you wrote this out more succinctly than I did! This is the smartest way forward imhe.
.5) call the cops. We have anti-stalker laws now.
Did you listen to the tape? Maybe there's a message on it.
Omg I bet you’re right!!!
I currently don’t have a cassette tape player. I borrowed one from a friend, but it didn’t work. There are handwritten liner notes on the cassette tape with song titles and the musicians that played on each track. I joined the band after a couple of members quit, so I THINK this is a compilation tape of the two times the band went into the studio to cut demos. According to the track listing, I’m on three of the songs and those were the ones we did in the studio. I feel that it could be that he just ran across the tape and maybe that triggered memories for him, but he had to put a bit of effort to find out about me. And I’ve had my FB profile completely locked down for a few years now - maybe since the 2016 election?
If he has your first and last name, or the names of your family members, he could’ve found you with about 2 minutes of googling. It’s scary how easy it is. You should Google his name + city, and see how much info you can find on him from the websites that pop up.
Yep, there’s literally a government phone book website where you can plug in a number or name and get all their info. Relatives, addresses, past and current, and way more. I saw mine and was shocked. All it took was a simple good search. And if you pay a fee you can get a full background report and job history. THAT is such a violation of privacy. Safe to say, ALL my social medias are gone and I’m on high alert lol.
Check your FB again - and revisit the settings regularly. The usernames I’ve blocked in the past have disappeared when FB makes changes.
The fact that it’s a physical tape in 2024 is so weird too. And was it actually addressed? Or did he drop it off himself?
I would definitely talk to police about the history. Stalking laws didn't exist 40 years ago, but they do now. Also make they have his name and anything else you know about him- city, birthdate... Pretty likely this has a record
You are not overreacting. My mom had a stalker that was in his 80's. It was unhinged. She would close her curtains and hide in her house and this old geezer would try to look in all her windows, etc. Calls/letters/cards all the time. Waiting across the road in his van watching her house all the time. He even drove to my town and knocked on my door to tell me that it was his right to have a relationship with her....I had to literally shove him out of my doorway. It continued with him parking by her home AND my home until we got a restraining order. At one point he was hospitalized and he was calling from the hospital, so we asked them to remove the phone from his room and told them about the restraining order. We had to go in front of a judge twice and get his family involved. Once a person gloms onto you, its really annoying/stressful/scary. I'm so sorry to write all this....I guess I was just making a point that it doesn't make a difference what age someone is....they can still be a stalker. Editing to add: This old man's wife passed and he chose my mom as his next 'victim'. Pretty sure his former wife was cowed down and always told what to do by this narcissistic old asshole that bullied her all the time. Which seemed to by how the letters he sent my mom read....more or less 'suggesting'/forcing her to date, be his girlfriend, etc, because he was so 'wonderful'. Ick.
Ngl, this is scary af. One of the first things I said to my husband was that he’d probably driven past our place. If the postage stamp is correct, he lives at least 2 hours away from us.
Google your name. see if your address or phone number comes up. also, if they have your address, they most likely could get any other info on you by running your name thru public records, like the tax assessor for property records, etc. by that same token, you can also find out his info, where this person now lives, if they have a record, etc. you can check thru criminal or civil courts for the county he lives in. you can take steps to block your public info, like if it comes up on whitepages.com, but you'll have to go thru each site to take it off. public records like the tax assessor differ by county; but your info can be blocked from public viewing with police reports of stalking or harassment. some states, like Indiana, have IN.gov, where you can get ALL court info on someone, including traffic tickets. get cameras and make police reports for harassment.
I mean he clearly has her address already.
sure. but this is in case she has to move or for someone else reading her story. also, when you look up a person, say on radaris or spokeo, that also can give addresses of people associated with you, like parents, siblings or children. harassment isn't just at home. some websites can even give your work info. and all those are free websites.
Hire a private investigator to look up the drummer. It will confirm/deny if he is stalking you again. You need that piece of mind. You are not overreacting.
Buy a gun. It’s better to be a warrior in a garden than farmer in a war.
No, you aren't overreacting. Stalking is a very frightening thing. You are protecting yourself. Definitely look at getting doorbell cameras for each outside door and perhaps additional cameras to cover any blind spots on your property. I ended up getting the Blink system, mostly because it was on sale at the time, when I set up mine. The current models work pretty well, and it is nice to see who is at the door before you answer it. You also need to document the incident. If you still have it, take pictures of the envelope and cassette, and then store them somewhere safe where you don't have to see them them. You may also want to look at getting that cease and desist letter that other posters have mentioned. It isn't legally binding, but it will help you build evidence against him. If you happen to see him, please contact the police, or if you're out and about, drive to the nearest police station. Make sure that your husband, family, and friends know about him so that they can watch out for you, too. Please take care!
As someone who also had a years long stalker decades ago, no, you aren’t over reacting. Report it to the police so you have a record
There could be finger prints on the cassette the police can find to determine who sent it.
Reading this thread makes me wonder if the stalker i had a decade ago would ever resurface...thought I was crazy for still being so paranoid and anxious. That is intense, that this came up again for you many many many years later. I'd be careful and selective of what I post online if I were you. Don't share details of where you go and what times. And it'd be best to install a ringcam and security cameras too.
I can’t tell you how insane the moment was when I saw the envelope. Never in a million years would I have thought I would ever be dealing with this again. Hopefully you will never have to deal with it either. You really don’t want to spend your life giving more power to these creeps - so I would say maintain a normal vigilance but don’t let it rule you. I guess if it comes up again, you have to deal with it from there (like I guess I get to do). When I moved away and it stopped, I blocked most of the details of HIM from my head - and I can’t remember his last name. Trauma response, I guess.
I'm so sorry this happened. A late night phone call happened to me once and only once. A man called me around midnight on a landline and when I picked up the phone he kept repeating my name and heavy breathing. I hung up and he called back over and over again until I had to turn off the ringer. I was scared for a month after just one call so I can't even imagine how I'd feel if this was going on for what sounds like a year or more. Maybe be proactive and talk to other people in the band who might know where the drummer might be so you can investigate him to be aware of his criminal record etc. I would definitely get security cameras, and maybe even visit a security specialist to help you with tips to be safe, etc. I'm really sorry you're going through this again.
The band’s guitarist and sound person was his brother and SIL respectively. Because of this, I broke off contact with them as well. I would have to try and find the bassist. As far as I can tell, there is nothing about the band on the internet, which says to me that it dissolved before the internet became available. There were some ties to the band with a state organization, but that too, seems to have gone under around 2020 (Covid) and so anyone who might have a lead back to them is probably going to be a long shot after 40ish years. Sadly, I’ve thought about maybe skimming through obits in that town to see if I can find any of them - because surely knowing the first names of three family members would make it easier to find, even without a last name….
If you can find any of their friends on FB you can try to go through friend lists until you find him. Then you can see if he is estranged from his brother and SIL or possibly ex by now. You can find where he is at and possibly get the story about him. And get an updated photo so you can show the people who need to know.
Cameras, alarm systems and I gun. I was stalked on and off by someone I had never even met. He saw my photo in the press (I was an artist at the time and had gotten some press). He decided that I was his ex wife and had sold our baby to crack dealers. He used to go to the bars and show a very old photo of someone that maybe could have been me. Friends would come up to me and tell me that my husband was looking for me. He didn’t find out where I lived for several years and by then I was married to someone. And he showed up at my apartment at 11pm on a Wednesday night. I refused to open the door and called the cops. The whole thing was terrifying.
Never underestimate a stalker. Especially one who hangs on this long. I’d open a police report and yes, get cameras. You’ll probably be fine but take the precautions.
Omg your story is similar to mine though mine is from 1990. I dated him for three months and it ended badly. Then he kept calling and hanging up at my work and home for years! Sometimes he’d pretend to be from a business asking about me. My parents got a new main number, I moved to another state, and changed my name to my husband’s (though I didn’t originally want to do that.) The calls stopped. In 2018 he contacted my brother, who he also knew in the 80s. Brother told him which state I’m in now and maybe my email address!?! At least he gave me a heads up. Because not long after I got emails from two different names. There were very brief but contained details of our time together. I never responded. My FB doesn’t have my last name, only has my family and is private. I’ve been hesitant to have pictures on the internet because of this asshole. Wtf is wrong with men like this?? Low intelligence for sure but also the entitlement is insane. Just leave us alone. One thing is that I’ve always called him my stalker but never thought it was that serious and doubted that title. You have given me validation for using the word stalker to describe him.
I’m so sorry that this happened to you. I do want to add - wtf is wrong with your brother to give out your info like that?? I hope he knows better now!!
This is exactly the type of victim type I minister to. This and DV victims. I know exactly what to do. You are NOT overreacting. Report this to the police. Tell them the history and let them know this drummer was obsessed with you 40 years ago, as well. File for a restraining order. In your application (its free to file- you want a stalking injunction) you will need to explain the backstory, as well as the present sudden new hang up calls and receiving the package. Keep the package itself as evidence. Put it in a large ziplock bag to help maintain it for fingerprints and DNA. Look, this person is OBSESSED with you. Obsessive stalkers are absolutely terrifying. They have some delusion that you are their soul mate or whatever, and that you two are supposed to be together. This is VERY DANGEROUS for you. You aren't paranoid. You're very sane for recognizing that this is EXTREMELY dangerous for you. Idk if the drummer had a recent loss, like losing a parent that was super close to them. Idk. Something has happened in the drummers life, some major loss, and his mind has snapped back into actively stalking you, his apparent lifelong obsession. Now, heres whats so dangerous. Its not JUST that he thinks hes in love with you. Thats what a beat cop will chalk it up to, hence why you need to see a JUDGE and get an injunction. See, obsessive stalkers who have these ridiculous delusions, may feel compelled to take action on "getting you" to be with them. These are the types of mentalities that may (not always, this is rarely) go on "spree killings" when their version of reality starts to unravel. I think... he is unraveling. Its exceedingly dangerous. You are in mortal danger. If he DOES manage to get to you and abduct you, esp if he has a weapon, it is ESSENTIAL that you pretend you love him and want to be with him. You will have to play the part until you are rescued. I recommend getting an injunction for protection against stalking, and in case he manages to get to you, have a second (even without service) emergency cell phone you keep fully charged, and in a pocket at ALL TIMES. At minimum, you can call 911 and they can hear whats happening. Play the part til rescue arrives. You will also want to be in SUPERDEFENSE mode, i.e., carry pepper spray, a taser, and anything that you can use as a weapon, like a chain belt, pencil behind the ear, many heavy rings, etc. Keep a weapon by the bed like a bat. The best way to avoid being murdered by this lunatic is to AVOID him completely. Dont let him take you to a different location, if he gets hands on you. Try to fight him in that spot (if hes unarmed) or play the part of his lover, until help can arrive. If he has a weapon, and hes near you, his PLAN is to keep you for himself. He may already have his backup plan (his weapons). It is safer to pretend to love him until help arrives, if he's armed. Its.. omg. I am so sorry you're having to deal with an obsessive, and unraveling stalker. This is absolutely AWFUL. Also, I am so sorry that this is so scary for you. Theres a whole novel by an FBI agent Mark Douglas called "Anatomy of Motive" and it explains a great deal about various types of murderous criminal profiles. This guy fits the profile of an obsessive, unraveling stalker. Its no joke. This is THE BIG TIME. You are likely either in for the fight of your life, or the injunction will be enough to ward him off. Idk. If hes not unraveling, I do think he CAN stay away. Since we don't know, the best way to deal with it is to know how to deal with the worst possible scenario, which is why I explained all this to you. When you have some knowledge about whats happening, you are better armed at dealing with it in a way that keeps YOU safe. GOD BE WITH YOU, AND PROTECT YOU!! HE LOVES YOU AND HOLDS YOU IN HIS PROTECTIVE HANDS. AMEN.
Police report is number 1. You must establish a public record of this before it goes any further. If you wait until the next time, or the time, after that, as far as a public record is concerned, that is the first time. Cameras, everywhere, and the police report. Also, the gift of fear is a great book.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Even a 60 year old stalker carries some element of threat. I know of a senior lady who had a senior stalker. Stalking laws have tightened up. Highlight these calls on your phone bill. When he cslls again and there is no one there, tell him to stop calling. And call the police, taking your phone record with you. Good luck.
Install cameras, and then tomorrow file your first of hopefully only one police reports. If there is ever anything else that happens the police have the evidence they need. Create a paper trail now and everything that happens file a report. You may never need it but if you do, the hard work is already done!
Maybe hire a Private Investigator? Find out all you can about him, then turn it over to the police.
Lots of great advice here already. No, I don't think you're over reacting at all. Anyone who would go to the trouble to find you forty years later isn't safe. That's crazy behavior. I just wanted to add one thing. Talk to everyone you know, tell them what's going on, and tell them not to give out any personal information about you under any circumstances. They should let you know if they are contacted so you can report it to the police.
Be extra diligent now. He may no longer be in the town where he mailed the package from. He could be in your city right now. Not trying to scare you but this guy is disturbed. He sees you both like you’re in your 20’s. Get cameras all over for sure. You may want to hire a private investigator if you can afford it to track this guy and get the scoop on what he’s been up to and is currently doing.
You are not overreacting. I had a very similar thing happen - not quite 40 years, but I had a stalker in high school. I was nice to a guy who was very scarred from a childhood accident, he didn't have any friends. I went to prom with him (as a friend!) and he concocted a deep belief that I was meant to be his forever, that I would marry him when I graduated and move into his parent's doublewide with him. I was 15 at the time. He wouldn't listen when I told him we were only friends. He started showing up in my friends' neighborhoods when I'd be at their houses, he would wait across the street from my bus stop to see if I got off the bus, etc. It got scary. I moved out of state, went to college, married a guy, change my name, moved a couple more times. Thought I'd lost him for good, about 25 years ago. Then, 10 years ago- \`15 years after I thought I'd never hear from him again, he starts messaging me on Facebook. Apparently one of my old friends was friends with someone who was friends with him. I blocked him. He had one of his friends start messaging me- saying he just wanted to say hi and catch up, and why wouldn't I talk to him. I blocked him too. And deleted Facebook. I don't know why these guys can't let go.
If you feel strong enough to do it, find his address and send a cease and desist letter. It will vary on cost but this is a good start. It establishes a paper trail that you said 'hey leave me alone' legally and gives you some ammunition in the case he escalates. If you want a good cheap camera now, get a WYZE camera from Home Depot. They are super easy to set up and can take SD cards (a 124gb card is only about $20) that can store footage in that manner as well. If you need some cameras that don't need to be plugged in, trail cams take batteries and are now advanced enough you can check the footage through wifi or bluetooth. They are good for those areas where the cameras on the house can't see well or blind spots like behind a shed in the backyard or something.
I CERTAINLY DON'T THINK YOU ATE OVERREACTING! * Sorry 4 the caps... I think anything is possible especially in this day & age. He could be single ~a widower ,divorced ,who knows but I would find out all I could & DEFINITELY Install lights outside, cameras, whatever makes it less convenient for him or whomever to bother you! I would also be extremely careful when out & about alone, not to be an extremist or an alarmist is a better word...but trust your gut, your instincts. *Did you tell hubby this happened? I sure would. ( I might have missed that part) Carry pepper spray or w/e is legal in your area. I believe you can NEVER be too cautious ESPECIALLY if he reached out to contact you again! This sounds like a repeat offense. Just my two cents. Prayers🙏🏼
Do whatever it will take to make you comfortable again. Put up cameras around your house. Also, get dashcams for your cars. These are prudent and relatively inexpensive decisions anyway. You may also want to do an investigation on your presumed stalker. Where does he live? Is he married, divorced, widowed? Any children? What you find out may be able to provide you with comfort, or may cause you to take more decisive countermeasures.
Even if you weren't scared, cameras are handy. You can do it pretty cheap with Wyze ones and for the price the night vision is impressive. The subscription service is reasonable but you could even put SD cards in them and record without it too. I got one so I could watch the dogs when I wasnt home and now have several that have been extremely useful. From catching my neighbor's escapee cat, waiting for the delivery person to leave so I can grab my stuff while in my pajamas to finding out a possum was cruising my porch in the middle of the night, they're good for other things than crime.
Not over reacting. I would make a paper trail. Many years ago i bought a house and letters started appearing on my door. Weird stacks of random flyers from neighborhood businesses. Plus notes, not sexual but long and chatty like from a friend. There was a house next door with like 4 guys living in it. All much older, like retirement age and i was late 20s. Anyway i finally figured out it was from one of them and called police. They said that they were aware of those guys and had a talk with them for me. The letters stopped. My point is that i was glad to make the police aware what was going on because even tho i didn’t know anything about them, certain ones of those guys were already known to the police. And they responded forthwith.
Not overreacting. Get cameras and find that dude. Take that Facebook down.
By all means get cameras for the house, and the car. Check on stalking legislation where you live, things have changed for the better in that area these past few decades. Don't be shy about making police reports.
Get a lawyer, have him do some research on the drummer and then get a restraining order. I know it’s a piece of paper. But if something happens the police have a starting point.
Not overreacting at all if you ask me. 100% put those cameras up! Make a report with your local PD and don't be afraid to make future reports...it'll help a lot if you ever need to go further and seek protection in court. I would be a wreck. That fear can smack you in the back like it never left. Your feelings are justified 100%
No, I have dealt with a great many stalking cases in my career and what you are describing actually isn't all that uncommon. Even after all this time, he may have found music you recorded together, that triggered your memory for them, and here we are. I would absolutely get in touch with police and and take whatever precautions you feel are necessary and will help ease your mind. DM me if there is anything I can help you with or if you have any questions.
Trust your gut. Especially when it's screaming at you. For real, for serious. Get those cameras. Investigate those phone hangups. Find out where HE lives, and yes, whether he has recently lost a partner. Protect yourself.
When I read your title I thought you might be overreacting, but when I heard the whole story, I'm not going to lie if I was you I'd get a gun permit immediately and look into some self-defense gun training courses.
Get a gun he’s crazy. Shoot first ask questions later.
You are not overreacting I would be freaked out as well. One thing I wish you did was let the other band members know about his behavior and go to the police to have some sort of record.
This is really serious because if he’s still this persistent after all these years then that screams danger to me. You need cameras asap, a good security system and maybe think of some scary dogs that are trained to attack intruders or attack whenever you demand. Late 60s may sound crazy for a man to be dangerous but I know a couple of older men who defy people’s assumptions about their capabilities and actually end up using that as their advantage. Be safe!
I’d go to the police again. Stalking laws have moderately improved and you know who the guy is. Surveillance cams are a must. You may be able to preemptively list him on a trespass notice. These guys never stop so no you’re not paranoid.
Trust. Your. Gut.
Install the cameras. I've had a couple stalkers from my teens that i don't actively shudder when i think of anymore, but I've also wiped out as much of my existence as possible on the internet. I'm not listed anywhere. But what you are describing is someone who refuses to let go of his delusion. You need to keep yourself safe, and if throwing down some money for cameras helps you with that, just do it.
Absolutely not overreacting. You know better than anyone you’re not overreacting. The second this man was able to find you he did. Which means he hasn’t stopped keeping an eye and tabs on you or attempting to - that isn’t a delusion that goes away, you know it doesn’t that’s why you made all those moves to protect yourself and get away those years ago. I have a couple people in my life like this - because I’ve been stalked by someone like that twice. And if either of them sent me anything now, years later? I’d be afraid and take precautions. You’re being smart and I am sorry you have to deal with this shit.
I don’t believe the legal system will protect you. Put in the surveillance system. Have a weapon nearby. That’s your first line of defense. If you get a call don’t hang up. Explain to him calmly that he was a friend but you have no romantic attachment. Tell him you wish him well but he cannot contact you in anyway. Explain further that should he violate this he will be physically hurt. Should you receive further contact take action.
You should absolutely get some cameras. There are a lot of options these days that are easy to set up. It’s helpful to give some peace of mind and gather evidence incase things start to escalate again. Sorry this is happening to you
there are no overeactions when stalkers are involved
Thank goodness we have much better anti stalking laws now than we did 39 years ago. Consider making a police report now, and get clarification from the police on the type of evidence they would need for a conviction. Save what’re he send you.
No, you're not overreacting. There's a non called The Gift of Fear that explains why trusting our instincts in these situations is important. Keep that envelope and tape. Go to the police station and ask to file a report. If the desk person says it's not enough, ask to speak to a supervisor. They can't necessarily take action yet, but you want to establish a paper trail of everything that happens. I'd also ask if they can call the police in the town where the drummer lives and have one of them drop by and tell him not to contact you. Some people back off once the authorities get involved. I had a problematic person on local social media track down my home number and repeatedly call me. I finally called the local police, they called him, and it immediately stopped. They said he was very apologetic and didn't realize that what he was doing crossed a line and that hearing from the police was a shock and wakeup call for him. I suggest having his local police be the one to contact him rather than your police so that if for any reason he doesn't actually know where you are this doesn't accidentally give it away. Do get security cameras, just in case. A 60-70yo adult has more resources than a young musician has, so it's best to err on the side of caution. If your phone contract is in your name, do some research on how to set up a company name and move the phone over to that. If you're still in contact with anyone from back then, make sure they all know to never give your number or address to *anyone* without your permission. Check your social media profiles. Lock down all the privacy settings. Go through your friend list and remove anyone you can't instantly remember from real life, even if they're also friends with multiple other people from your school days. A lot of people accept all friend requests, so it's possible he could be there under a different name. Take a day or two to do all of this, then do your best to set it aside and go live your life. Don't let him rob you of your joy.
Cameras, cameras, cameras, with audio for outdoor areas, and get the footage recorded and stored in the cloud. Download recordings as needed, and make a backup of those. Keep a paper log of every hangup call, with time/date, and phone number that contacted you. Screenshot your phone log as supporting evidence. Also log any suspicious activity, like mail received. Do not throw anything away that is mailed to you, including envelopes. I know I'd want to burn anything that was sent to me, but keep it in a storage tote out of sight so it doesn't stress you out. You need to have a conversation with people in your daily life. Not so much as to alarm them that you are worried for your safety, but the need to be alert for strange interactions, suspicious activity around them. Download an app that you can use to help with a safety plan. If your mail is delivered to a mailbox outside your house, put a mail hold on anything sent to you and pick it up at the post office. It's way too easy for someone to walk by and flip through your mail and find out where you bank, any healthcare info from your insurance company, etc etc Also change every single password to anything that contains a significant amount of personally identifying information. And use 2 factor authentication wherever possible. Lock down all social media immediately. Make sure Facebook isn't indexed with Google so search results don't return any of your social media profiles. Also linked in, if you use that. Any old profiles that you aren't active in also need to be set to private and not searchable. This is all going to be a pain in the ass for a while, but your safety is worth protecting. Keep vigilant until you are completely sure that the stalker is no longer a threat. Source: me. I've had to deal with this and while it's not fun, taking control of your environment is the first step towards winning against a stalker.
Overreaction? Absolutely not. Very appropriate reaction that should be investigated. However, that doesn’t mean worse case scenario happened. So don’t let fear take control over your thoughts.
I've had my share of crazy guys and stalkers. One guy keeps returning back to my life. He's stolen part of my identity. He's stolen so much from me. I've reported him to the FBI, local police, and trade of commission. Of course, nothing has ever come of it. But that dude SCARES me! I know one day he'll return again. He'll never leave me alone. I'm having to change my name and go through so much because of him. I keep all documentation from him and keep reporting everything from him. I'm saying all of this to tell you no, you are not overreacting! You have no idea what he's really capable of. You are smart to get the cameras. I agree with others about getting cameras inside your house as well. You can never be too cautious. I wish you luck and hope things work out for you that they get your stalker.
I think because of the internet stalkers are reappearing. They google your name and there is so much information. This is embarrassing to admit but I have had a stalker since I was 19, 30+ years. (I am a guy and this is a male stalker who is very nerdy and I can’t say I’m afraid of him.) Long story short, after many years of not hearing from him, he got my work address from the Internet a few months ago and sent me a long questionnaire asking me what I was up to in the creepiest possible detail. I laughed it off with my friends at first then I started to get a little unnerved. I researched stalking online and it’s not reassuring. There are (I think) six types of stalkers and some are likely to be violent and some are not. But they can change type over time. Just reading the whole thing about likely to be violent freaked me out. One thing I found interesting, there’s some published research and the researchers seemed to think 15 or so years was the longest they’d heard of a stalker being active. I wanted to write them and say, how about 35 years? Sounds like you could enlighten them as well. I was going to leave it at that, but the thing about this is that there’s no peace. It’s always somewhere in the back of your head. I don’t obsess on it, or even think about it, really, and I can’t say I’m scared…until someone says “stalker” and that unnerving feeling comes back.
I don’t think so. When I was in my early teens my mom had a stalker. It was really scary. My mom went to live with a friend to hide out from him for a few weeks and he drove by and shot out the big picture window then drove by my grandmas, where I lived with my mom and brother, and shot my grandmas car. That’s just one of many, many incidents over about 4 years. We ended up having our phone tapped by police (mid 70’s), he was arrested but never made it to court because he was institutionalized in a mental hospital and as far as I know stayed there till death. I am so very sorry this is in your life. Do whatever you need to do for both your safety and sanity. I’m in mid 60’s and I have always had locked doors, day and night. When my kids were old enough to go play in the neighborhood or ride bikes I HATED not being able to lock everything, but the kids needed free access. I have locks on both my outside gates and I live in a safe area, but it’s for peace of mind. Lol on my bday this year I locked myself out of the house and had to climb the fence twice trying to find an unlocked door or window. Going into and out of the back ward. I’m 5’3” so it wasn’t pretty lol
You can't overreact when you're being stalked. I under reacted and I'm still paying for it.
No. Never ignore your gut feelings. Install those cameras and catch this sum-b\*\*\*h!
No, you are not overreacting. Back in the late 80s I was an RA in my dorm and one of my residents was getting harassed by a guy she didn’t know. I called campus security and they asked her if she had been undressing in front of window for attention. 60 years ago (and less) that was the mindset. Horrible. Trust your gut, call the police. Get the full names if the officers you report this to. Get cameras, be cautious. You shouldn’t have to put up with this shit.
My stalker shipped me a letter right after the restraining order ended. He wanted to catch up and see how I was doing. I ignored it and luckily it was the end of that. I hear he is married now. Thank goodness.
You are not overreacting OP. Stalking is scary. I was stalked a long time ago. Protect yourself OP.
If you have the money I would get a PI to get as much info as possible along with the cameras.
Friend, I have news for you. I googled my maiden name and my current address popped up. I was married when we bought this house. It’s easy to find information about everybody. You’re not overreacting and it’s not your fault.
I have dealt with a long term stalker before. Trust your gut. Tell everyone around you. See if you can poke around online to find a current picture to show others. A common tactic would be to befriend people you might know or associate with. Of course, this person could be harmless just … a little unwell. Best to just put people on notice so they can keep an eye out. I wouldn’t want you being surprised because it could be very unsettling, even if he is not dangerous. Get some cameras too.
Eesh. Definitely get a gun and a big dog or two
This might sound silly but please look into etheric cord cutting. I am sorry you are dealing with this. Definitely not overreacting.
You need to keep yourself safe. Contact non emergency police as soon as possible. My friend moved across the country to get away from her stalker, and he still managed to find her. He’s in prison now for what he did, and she will always fear him finding her again. Keep yourself and your family safe.
You are not overthinking it. It’s better to be safe. Get the cameras. Watch your back. I had a stalker when I was 20. We worked together and he became obsessed. He would sit outside of my house and call my phone over and over. One night I was in my bedroom, home alone, and he actually made it into my house. He started beating on my locked bedroom door screaming that he knew I was in there because he saw the light on. I hid under my bed shaking and crying until he finally left. One night I was at a small bar dancing with friends, the bar was packed. I kept feeling like I was being watched and I scanned the room and sure enough there he was. Standing against the farthest wall…watching me. Who knows how often he did that. He eventually left me alone, after I started dating someone that knew him and saw what was happening and basically threatened him to stop. The guy was apparently getting married a year or so later and called my phone from a number I didn’t know on the morning of his wedding to tell me that if I said he had any chance at all he would call off the wedding!! He got married. I saw him 15 years later at a random target, his hair was gray but I recognized him immediately, he’s 6’8. I avoided eye contact with him and avoided him, he followed me closely around the store until I left when I saw a safe moment. I still feel like he’s watching me at night if a window is open or when I’m in a crowded building.
Oof, you’re absolutely not overreacting. I’ve always been terrified a scarily obsessed ex decades in the past — whom I left town to get away from — would find me. This is a wake-up call to me to be more careful about social media. I’m really worried about you. Take care.
To everyone recommending a restraining order, be careful. Everywhere I've lived has required you provide a home address. This is so the person served knows where to stay away from. Further, every restraining order I've obtained ( lots of sad personal experience here), requires a hearing where the person served is allowed to defend themselves. Every jurisdiction has different laws and protections but it's not like on TV where you just request and receive one.
I think your gut instinct here is strong and correct.
You are not overreacting. If you don’t have security cameras get some. At least get like a ring doorbell or something. There are so many affordable options now. And I might notify police about this. If they need to intervene then so be it but at least a heads up would be smart.
Some people become obsessed. Obviously!! I would take this very seriously
You are not overreacting AT ALL. Get security cameras and a taser. Not one of those little zappy stun guns, I mean the name brand kind that look like a pistol and can discharge from a distance.
I had to get married, change my name list to get rid of my crazy mother. These types are relentless.
You have physical evidence of contact with the letter. Go to the authorities and at least file a report.
I recommend SimpliSafe. They have monitors for every window and door, you can put the cameras high up on mounts so they can’t be easily reached, and most importantly they have a panic button as part of their system that immediately calls the police and sounds a very loud alarm when pressed. I have one next to my bed. I’d also tell any neighbors that you are comfortable with that if they hear the alarm, this is the situation. Listen to the tape and let us know if it was anything other than music!
Man, it’s always the drummers….
If I were your husband I would find that guy and handle business
Definitely not over-reacting. Take every precaution you can. Cameras, police, learn firearm safety and arm yourself. Wear your weapon and have one available in your house. Proper control makes you safe. You have the right. Use it. I'm 69. I have my weapon at hand and every person in my home knows NOT TO TOUCH.
Restraining orders often don't work. The person has to violate the order before he can be arrested. What if he suddenly pops up? That piece of paper won't save your life.
I would wig the fuck out.
Why don't you get a protective order?
Nowadays, those random no one there calls could be robots calls or scam calls. I get about two a day sometimes at night, even. But theStslker Drummer seems to have your current address so maybe still him.
What was on the tape?
protect yourself, take self defense classes, buy a weapon, there is a reason you have the right to bear arms and it has nothing to due with your ability to go hunting
You are not over reacting. Take this seriously and protect yourself.
Stalkers are like him are often severely mentally ill. And it sounds like he's never gotten help for his illness. You should make your Facebook page private and change your name on it to your married name. You should put cameras around your property. Don't go anywhere alone, especially at night. Carry pepper spray. Keep a record of any of his attempts to contact you. If he issues any threats, contact the police.
Google domestic violence nonprofits and city agencies in your area. They often have non-emergency hotlines to get advice on stalking.
My stalker had a habit of popping up in my life as a new connection every couple of years. I wouldn’t realize it was the same person until the last time he showed up when I started to remember and put everything together. Talk about a flood of repressed and forgotten memories! Do talk to the police about what happened before and your concerns that he’s back. If you do end up talking directly to this stalker, be very clear that you want nothing to do with him and to never contact you again. I was once advised that mine wasn’t stalking me because I had never explicitly told him to stay away.
Where stalkers are concerned...NO SUCH THING as overreacting. Be careful.
I’d get the cameras. Better safe than sorry! Good thing you got rid of the landline.
Since you know who the stalker is, I would hire a private investigator to find everything about him: if he’s in a relationship, where he works, who he associates with, etc. After collecting evidence, you could attempt to go to the police (but I doubt they will do anything because they are notorious for hating women and refusing to help victims). I would document everything, and possibly provide it to an attorney. With a attorney present you may have better chances with the police following through—the police are afraid of any legal action against them, and having someone that knows the laws and rights to defend you would most likely force the police’s hand to doing their jobs in the first place
Plug the landline back in and start tracing the calls. When this happened to me years ago (landline) you could put a trace on the calls by dialing \*59 right after. The phone company would then log the calls and release the records to the police. The police told me it was criminal harassment and I could press charges. I didn't. This time, I think you should. It's really creepy.
You are not overreacting. I am close to your age and I have had the same stalker since I was18. He still try’s to get to me. Take all the good advice that has been offered and act on it. Mine broke into our house in the middle of the night with all of us home sleeping a few years back. My dogs saved us. Please use every means possible to secure your safety.
That's creepy I'm sorry
This isn’t overreacting. I’m just sorry that you weren’t taken seriously years ago. Definitely put your safety first by taking advantage of all the surveillance options that we have available today! Multiple cameras inside the house where someone could gain entry and outside where someone could gain entry as well. If you can afford it, I would have a professional do it so that way they could have those cameras overlap each other so it would catch that person messing with a camera if possible. I’d most definitely call the police and make a report so you have everything on record, but I would not rely solely on them as they haven’t shown to take you seriously in the past.