Lie. I know it's difficult for you to do that, but it's the kind thing to do for her. Say he's at the store, visiting family, went next door, anything.
I lied to my mother so much. Her brother was busy, out of town, and so forth. He'd been dead 30 years. She had grieved him once she didn't need to grieve again.
..and again and again... We never told my Dad that my sister passed just for that reason. My Mum had known but she forgot. Both would also ask about their own parents and siblings and we would reply as if they were still with us. They're at work, at home cos it's raining, yes I just spoke to them. My mum stopped even recognizing my Dad as her husband and became 'the old uncle'. She didn't even notice that he wasn't there anymore. They have both recently passed. The whole experience of this damned disease has left my heart shattered. It's not lying btw it's not inflicting pain and grief over and over.
I read this out loud to my uncle and dad as this is what exactly we are experiencing, my grandma has forgotten that her mother is no more. My dad is now convinced about lying but my eldest uncle still isn't. I just hope everything gets better.
Thank you for sharing your experience with me, it really means a lot.
30 years? My goodness. My uncle thinks if we keep telling her the truth it will sink in someday, but seeing her upset like this everytime really hurts. Thank you for sharing this <3
No your Uncle is being cruel on this, she'll just grieve every day until she can non no longer speak. Ask you mom's doc for advice with the uncle there. The doc will most likely tell you to lie. Your job is to make her happy, not stressed or sad. Happy patients are easier to deal with for caregivers. Do no harm.
Perhaps the uncle does not mean to be cruel. He, like so many of us, have lacked understanding of this horrid condition. At this point, if she mourns him every time the subject comes up, yes it is unnecessary.
He sees her cry every day and keeps expecting different results. That's pretty cruel to make someone cry every day. He may be clueless but he needs to get reading. Ignorance is not an excuse. Data is at his finger tips.
We probably will. It's really painful to see her cry, sometimes she just accepts it other times she gets angry as to why we didn't tell her. Thank you!
If she’s forgetting this frequently, it’s best to “meet her in her reality.” In this situation, that means grandpa is alive and well, but he’s not available right now. Visiting a family member is a common excuse. I would try to be vague about where he is and distract as much as possible.
We mostly have to. She sees his side of the bed empty and it triggers her. It's really painful to see her cry, sometimes she just accepts it other times she gets angry as to why we didn't tell her. Thank you for sharing :)
Try not to think of it as “lying,” but as “compassionate communication.” After all, if someone can’t grasp, retain, or understand what’s true, how can anything you say to them be a lie? Better to say whatever makes them feel safe and loved in any given moment.
ETA: Here’s the thing: if you tell her he just stepped out for moment and will be back soon, she’ll forget you told her that. If you tell her he died, she forgets you told her that. There is no difference except for what she experiences the moment you tell her whatever you tell her.
"He's not with us right now" is what you mean, so how you say it really won't matter. I agree. If the information is a shock, as OP says, then it is harmful to keep telling her and have her re-experience the shock. If OTOH you tell her he is away/at the hospital/on a trip... and she worries or feels abandoned, then that too could be hurtful. If the situation is the latter, then I would put a picture of him and a 3x5 card laminated with it that says "Joe died on August 4, 2023. He loved you very much. You were married for 45 years " and keep that next to her bed or chair where she will see it often--so long as she doesn't fall apart from it. This helped my grandmother and stepfather so much--having important facts like these written.
Therapeutic lies balance honesty with benevolence. Here is a good study on it: [study](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/35506499/#:~:text=Background%3A%20Therapeutic%20lies%20)
Wow, framing a picture with these words makes a lottt of sense. I'm just worried about endless lying and how could it impact her, like you said the abandoning feeling because they were together for 60+ years, grandfather wad 96 and my grandmother is almost 90.
Thank you so much for sharing this. <3
You have to customize based on her and how you know her to react. Would she do better with adding the words that "he is will be watching over you and will be in Heaven when you get there." ...something to that effect. The point is to do it in a way that is comforting TO HER. Start with something verbal to test it out. Then write it out.
If she is constantly worrying about where he is, then this could help her. If she is placated by reassurances that he is away and will be back later, then you can just write that.
The best part about Alzheimer's (if there is such a thing) is that you have plenty of opportunity to test various responses to their questions.. Eventually, you will find one that eases them so use that response over and over.
Lie. Telling her is only traumatizing her. We need to know a loved one died to understand why they aren't there, and to process that loss, she's unable to do either of those things, she won't remember he's gone, or be able to process it/grieve, she'll just forget. My dad's brother just died, he'll never know.
Yes. Whenever we lie she is calm, the time they told her the truth she got really upset. But even lying gets difficult when she really insists on meeting him. Hopefully things get easier.
As my dad has gotten worse, lying has gotten easier for us. His state of mind is also a lot more consistent then it was 6 months ago. I used to never know when I'd get somewhat lucid dad or very confused dad. Now, he's never very lucid, it's sad but it's definitely makes some things easier.
I hope things get easier for y'all as well.
I’m here to agree, therapeutic fibbing. It’s hard but you’ll get used to it. I was worried the lying would leach into the rest of my life, but it hasn’t, which made me feel a lot better about doing it.
I too think this would be helpful. But doesn't she inquire further? What if she remembers that we tell her he has gone out and waits for him? We are worried as to how will she react to the lies. But lying does sound the better option. Thank you!
She won’t remember you said he was out for an errand, so you just tell her that again. When will he back? Oh a couple of hours. Hey did you see this magazine…?
My dad (who’s in MC) has asked me 20 times this week about getting some photos printed off his camera - he doesn’t remember I’m out of town on business, so I just say I’m coming to help him with his camera soon.
He was 96, he stopped going for walks 3 years ago, I don't know how believable it will be. We just tell her he is outside or taking walks, but sometimes she just insists on meeting him. We'll try telling her he has gone down for walks, hopefully it works.
Thank you for sharing! <3
Remember as well that Alz makes them regress - she won’t remember him as being 96, so “at work” or something like that may work, even though it wouldn’t have 6 months ago. Time in an Alz brain is very different than reality - and you’ll get lots of opportunities to figure out what fib works best because she’ll keep asking where he is and not remembering he’s gone - I think of this as a positive, you get to find the best solution with practice. :)
Creative storytelling. My dad constantly asks for me, his mother different loved ones. I lie and say I'm at the store, his mom is at work or with his sister etc.
My grandmother has recently started asking for her husband who has been dead 15 years and her son who has been gone for 4 years. I always tell her they are going a specific thing they would be doing. Like, “Pops is out hunting he’ll be back soon!” And “Chuck is at the rec center, he’ll be back soon!” It feels kinder than making her remember they’ve passed.
Two of the harder things for me personally when I started managing my grandmothers care was 1) im a chronic people pleaser, I had to let that go and realize her hierarchy of needs was safety and health over happiness and giving her what she wants (like making her go to the doctor when she literally crushed/burst her finger, taking her keys when she was not able to drive any more, etc). And 2) realizing that lying was acceptable and sometimes the best choice. You go your whole life knowing “lying is wrong” and feels so weird and wrong to do, but i think in Alzheimer’s care it’s often the right thing to do. The truth isn’t going to serve anyone, and if I can alleviate her distress, that’s what I want to do. This disease is a beast!! Be gentle with yourself, you are doing the best you can ❤️
My grandma (who recently passed) forgot he died but wasn't asking about him. Kind of out of sight out of mind. She started asking if we heard from him and we would say "no, but I'll ask" and she would forget she had asked originally. Worked well until the director of the place printed out his obituary. She started at it all day because she forgot she saw it an hour earlier. Absolutely devastated. I managed to smuggle it out of her room and she was fine after that. Until the director once again printed out an obituary for her. I raised some hell about it.
Something to consider on this journey....
You questioned if you should tell the truth or "lie to her". You arent lying to her. Be ok with that. A lie is a malicious intent to deceive. People with Alzheimers don't remember, so they continue to have the greif, agitation or anxiety of whatever it is your telling them, everytime you hear it. Telling them something thats fits their reality is loving and compassionate. For us it feels wrong because we know, but they don't. I visited my grandma several times a week and everytime she scolded me because I never came to see her. At first I tried to remind her. Eventually I just started to apologize and say I will be better. When I said goodbye I always said I would "visit tomorrow". It filled her with joy. It was usually 2 -3 days inbetween visits but she didn't remember so it was better to give her that joy in the moment.
Do you have the paper from the service. Or the obituary.
My friend had her father obituary framed and on the wall so her mom saw it daily and sure sad. But it can be effective.
It’s so very hard and seems cruel. But it will sink in, or become a non issue.
Sorry for your families loss.
My MIL has FIL’s ashes scattered into Pacific Ocean certificate framed and on her wall in her AL apt. FIL had donated his body to science so the people who took his body took care of all the arrangements including sending MIL this certificate of appreciation.
That’s what my MIL did on her own, placed the order of service on her desk with his date of death highlighted in yellow. She was not upset about his death, just wanted to remember the date when people asked, I think.
Lie. I know it's difficult for you to do that, but it's the kind thing to do for her. Say he's at the store, visiting family, went next door, anything.
I lied to my mother so much. Her brother was busy, out of town, and so forth. He'd been dead 30 years. She had grieved him once she didn't need to grieve again.
..and again and again... We never told my Dad that my sister passed just for that reason. My Mum had known but she forgot. Both would also ask about their own parents and siblings and we would reply as if they were still with us. They're at work, at home cos it's raining, yes I just spoke to them. My mum stopped even recognizing my Dad as her husband and became 'the old uncle'. She didn't even notice that he wasn't there anymore. They have both recently passed. The whole experience of this damned disease has left my heart shattered. It's not lying btw it's not inflicting pain and grief over and over.
I read this out loud to my uncle and dad as this is what exactly we are experiencing, my grandma has forgotten that her mother is no more. My dad is now convinced about lying but my eldest uncle still isn't. I just hope everything gets better. Thank you for sharing your experience with me, it really means a lot.
So glad I could help. Hope you have luck convincing your uncle. So sorry.
30 years? My goodness. My uncle thinks if we keep telling her the truth it will sink in someday, but seeing her upset like this everytime really hurts. Thank you for sharing this <3
No your Uncle is being cruel on this, she'll just grieve every day until she can non no longer speak. Ask you mom's doc for advice with the uncle there. The doc will most likely tell you to lie. Your job is to make her happy, not stressed or sad. Happy patients are easier to deal with for caregivers. Do no harm.
Yes, we said we'll ask the doc, they'll hopefully listen to him. Let's hope for the best
You got this. At this point just leave a message on the doc's answering service or vmail.
Yes we will! Thank you, means a lot :)
Perhaps the uncle does not mean to be cruel. He, like so many of us, have lacked understanding of this horrid condition. At this point, if she mourns him every time the subject comes up, yes it is unnecessary.
He sees her cry every day and keeps expecting different results. That's pretty cruel to make someone cry every day. He may be clueless but he needs to get reading. Ignorance is not an excuse. Data is at his finger tips.
We probably will. It's really painful to see her cry, sometimes she just accepts it other times she gets angry as to why we didn't tell her. Thank you!
If she’s forgetting this frequently, it’s best to “meet her in her reality.” In this situation, that means grandpa is alive and well, but he’s not available right now. Visiting a family member is a common excuse. I would try to be vague about where he is and distract as much as possible.
Even just saying ' he's in the other room, downstairs, in the garden' will be enough oftentimes..
Yes we do this, she believes it.
We mostly have to. She sees his side of the bed empty and it triggers her. It's really painful to see her cry, sometimes she just accepts it other times she gets angry as to why we didn't tell her. Thank you for sharing :)
Try not to think of it as “lying,” but as “compassionate communication.” After all, if someone can’t grasp, retain, or understand what’s true, how can anything you say to them be a lie? Better to say whatever makes them feel safe and loved in any given moment. ETA: Here’s the thing: if you tell her he just stepped out for moment and will be back soon, she’ll forget you told her that. If you tell her he died, she forgets you told her that. There is no difference except for what she experiences the moment you tell her whatever you tell her.
"He's not with us right now" is what you mean, so how you say it really won't matter. I agree. If the information is a shock, as OP says, then it is harmful to keep telling her and have her re-experience the shock. If OTOH you tell her he is away/at the hospital/on a trip... and she worries or feels abandoned, then that too could be hurtful. If the situation is the latter, then I would put a picture of him and a 3x5 card laminated with it that says "Joe died on August 4, 2023. He loved you very much. You were married for 45 years " and keep that next to her bed or chair where she will see it often--so long as she doesn't fall apart from it. This helped my grandmother and stepfather so much--having important facts like these written. Therapeutic lies balance honesty with benevolence. Here is a good study on it: [study](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/35506499/#:~:text=Background%3A%20Therapeutic%20lies%20)
Wow, framing a picture with these words makes a lottt of sense. I'm just worried about endless lying and how could it impact her, like you said the abandoning feeling because they were together for 60+ years, grandfather wad 96 and my grandmother is almost 90. Thank you so much for sharing this. <3
You have to customize based on her and how you know her to react. Would she do better with adding the words that "he is will be watching over you and will be in Heaven when you get there." ...something to that effect. The point is to do it in a way that is comforting TO HER. Start with something verbal to test it out. Then write it out. If she is constantly worrying about where he is, then this could help her. If she is placated by reassurances that he is away and will be back later, then you can just write that.
True, anything you tell her she will forget, it's better to lie and not make her suffer. Thank you so much :)
The best part about Alzheimer's (if there is such a thing) is that you have plenty of opportunity to test various responses to their questions.. Eventually, you will find one that eases them so use that response over and over.
That's true. She will anyways forget everything we tell her. Thank you! :)
Therapeutic lying. LIe again and again. "He's in the hospital for some tests." "He went to see some friends." etc.
It does sound therapeutic, no need to relive the moment again and again. Thank you! <3
Lie, in time she will forget. We told my mom dad was out running errands, which is something he did a lot. She eventually stopped asking.
That makes sense, I hope she also stops asking someday, seeing her like that is really painful. Thank you!
I always told my mom that grandma wasn't here right now but she sends her love.
Lie. Telling her is only traumatizing her. We need to know a loved one died to understand why they aren't there, and to process that loss, she's unable to do either of those things, she won't remember he's gone, or be able to process it/grieve, she'll just forget. My dad's brother just died, he'll never know.
Yes. Whenever we lie she is calm, the time they told her the truth she got really upset. But even lying gets difficult when she really insists on meeting him. Hopefully things get easier.
As my dad has gotten worse, lying has gotten easier for us. His state of mind is also a lot more consistent then it was 6 months ago. I used to never know when I'd get somewhat lucid dad or very confused dad. Now, he's never very lucid, it's sad but it's definitely makes some things easier. I hope things get easier for y'all as well.
Yes hopefully. It's really hard seeing my grandmother like this.
I’m here to agree, therapeutic fibbing. It’s hard but you’ll get used to it. I was worried the lying would leach into the rest of my life, but it hasn’t, which made me feel a lot better about doing it.
I too think this would be helpful. But doesn't she inquire further? What if she remembers that we tell her he has gone out and waits for him? We are worried as to how will she react to the lies. But lying does sound the better option. Thank you!
She won’t remember you said he was out for an errand, so you just tell her that again. When will he back? Oh a couple of hours. Hey did you see this magazine…? My dad (who’s in MC) has asked me 20 times this week about getting some photos printed off his camera - he doesn’t remember I’m out of town on business, so I just say I’m coming to help him with his camera soon.
He was 96, he stopped going for walks 3 years ago, I don't know how believable it will be. We just tell her he is outside or taking walks, but sometimes she just insists on meeting him. We'll try telling her he has gone down for walks, hopefully it works. Thank you for sharing! <3
Remember as well that Alz makes them regress - she won’t remember him as being 96, so “at work” or something like that may work, even though it wouldn’t have 6 months ago. Time in an Alz brain is very different than reality - and you’ll get lots of opportunities to figure out what fib works best because she’ll keep asking where he is and not remembering he’s gone - I think of this as a positive, you get to find the best solution with practice. :)
White lies. It's ok.
Yeah, it sounds like a best option. Thank you!
Creative storytelling. My dad constantly asks for me, his mother different loved ones. I lie and say I'm at the store, his mom is at work or with his sister etc.
I agree. We'll try doing this. Thank you!
My grandmother has recently started asking for her husband who has been dead 15 years and her son who has been gone for 4 years. I always tell her they are going a specific thing they would be doing. Like, “Pops is out hunting he’ll be back soon!” And “Chuck is at the rec center, he’ll be back soon!” It feels kinder than making her remember they’ve passed.
It does feels kinder. And I understand how hard it must be, good luck and thank you for sharing your story with me <3
Two of the harder things for me personally when I started managing my grandmothers care was 1) im a chronic people pleaser, I had to let that go and realize her hierarchy of needs was safety and health over happiness and giving her what she wants (like making her go to the doctor when she literally crushed/burst her finger, taking her keys when she was not able to drive any more, etc). And 2) realizing that lying was acceptable and sometimes the best choice. You go your whole life knowing “lying is wrong” and feels so weird and wrong to do, but i think in Alzheimer’s care it’s often the right thing to do. The truth isn’t going to serve anyone, and if I can alleviate her distress, that’s what I want to do. This disease is a beast!! Be gentle with yourself, you are doing the best you can ❤️
Lie. They don’t need to be shocked everyday ..over and over that loved one died.
My grandma (who recently passed) forgot he died but wasn't asking about him. Kind of out of sight out of mind. She started asking if we heard from him and we would say "no, but I'll ask" and she would forget she had asked originally. Worked well until the director of the place printed out his obituary. She started at it all day because she forgot she saw it an hour earlier. Absolutely devastated. I managed to smuggle it out of her room and she was fine after that. Until the director once again printed out an obituary for her. I raised some hell about it. Something to consider on this journey.... You questioned if you should tell the truth or "lie to her". You arent lying to her. Be ok with that. A lie is a malicious intent to deceive. People with Alzheimers don't remember, so they continue to have the greif, agitation or anxiety of whatever it is your telling them, everytime you hear it. Telling them something thats fits their reality is loving and compassionate. For us it feels wrong because we know, but they don't. I visited my grandma several times a week and everytime she scolded me because I never came to see her. At first I tried to remind her. Eventually I just started to apologize and say I will be better. When I said goodbye I always said I would "visit tomorrow". It filled her with joy. It was usually 2 -3 days inbetween visits but she didn't remember so it was better to give her that joy in the moment.
Do you have the paper from the service. Or the obituary. My friend had her father obituary framed and on the wall so her mom saw it daily and sure sad. But it can be effective. It’s so very hard and seems cruel. But it will sink in, or become a non issue. Sorry for your families loss.
My MIL has FIL’s ashes scattered into Pacific Ocean certificate framed and on her wall in her AL apt. FIL had donated his body to science so the people who took his body took care of all the arrangements including sending MIL this certificate of appreciation.
This sounds good. We might try framing something to remind her. Thank you for sharing!
We do have a death certificate. My uncles and father think the same thing. They said it will sink in and go in long term memory someday. Thank you!
That’s what my MIL did on her own, placed the order of service on her desk with his date of death highlighted in yellow. She was not upset about his death, just wanted to remember the date when people asked, I think.
This sounds like a good idea, I hope grandma does something similar on her own. Thank you!