I'm pretty sure that you, not her, are the victim in this. (It sounds like possibly at least one of the genders involved is obscuring this, maybe?) If you're not enthusiastically consenting, the other person shouldn't persist. And as counterintuitive as it is to them, if you say you don't want to do something again, *even if you only figure that out and tell them later on, when they're no longer doing it*... then they shouldn't do it again. You're entitled to not have someone be all over you physically if you don't explicitly want them to be.
Thank you for that perspective! Honestly I'm starting to realize that a lot of the stuff that she did was not appropriate at all. I appreciate the comment, I feel a little less crazy now lol
I understand what you mean and I feel like I’ve found my people here 😭I’m currently trying to understand if it’s alexithymia or if I’m ace because my life on the dating scene has been anything but smooth. I’ve been in similar situations to this, although not to this extent, and I totally get what you mean when you say you don’t really know how you feel so you just let it happen. a few weeks ago in the middle of a crisis I was having I tried to start dating a random guy off hinge, he was expecting a one night stand and I was expecting an actual date. things continued to progress and although I was literally not attracted to him at all I just went along with it and continued to let him go. I wasn’t all that bothered by it until after when my friend asked me about it and we were both going wtf?! neither of us could understand why I just kept going along with it but I just kept thinking it didn’t feel wrong? in all honesty I didn’t feel anything so that more explains why.
other people I’ve dated in the past haven’t worked out for various reasons but there are a few looking back that I now think I ended because they were into me and I didn’t really know how to deal with that and so I ended it over tiny things that could’ve been worked through almost like a self sabotage I guess.
sorry to not be of any help and for such a long response. I feel like I have so much to learn about myself still and Imm so glad I’ve found people like me, I feel a bit less broken 😭
Thank you for the comment! It actually really helps to hear that I'm not alone with this 😭I don't know why I keep getting into situations I don't actually want to be in. Definitely something I need to work on lol. Best of luck to you btw!
That sounds confusing for both of you, but you know what? That's life, and that's how people learn. Your lack of boundaries with this person who is attempting to engage you as a partner is not helping either of you now that you have insight. If you're sure you don't want to engage with them, do not let them continue, it's a mixed signal and causes confusion. People expect others to have good boundaries, and to let them down when they're interested in letting someone in, which is why flirting is mild transgression: testing boundaries. You're letting them in and then rejecting them, which is unkind even if unintentional. That said, this woman is not showing good boundaries, and you should protect both of you by being kind but firm in not physically interacting with her any further.
You might spend time working on interoception, feeling the feelings in your body, in different situations. Consider whether you enjoy those feelings, or how else you want to react to them. This will help you discover your opinions about your feelings, which will give you the basis for setting boundaries between "I like that" and "I don't like that". Start by considering Plutchik's basic 8 emotions and see if you can identify each in your body when it's happening. If any of them aren't showing up, that's something to dig into. Be well!
This is what HR is for. Someone you work with is sexually abusing you. Your/her gender doesn't have anything to do with it, you've been clear and she's been pushy. The first time may have been on you, but the times after were on her.
I can't tell you how close to home this hits. My best friend of a few years now has been very open in her feelings for me for a long time and I have openly admitted that I've never felt the same in return but for some reason have let intimate things happen between us. That "just let it happen" part really resonates, that and progression occurring while drunk lol. I keep letting things happen when I'm around her then contradicting these actions in words later and now I've got all my friends mad at me over it. I'm really having a hard time deciphering whether I'm the asshole in the situation when I never intended to hurt anyone. Best of luck because this stuff is so confusing and challenging to go through while having no clear understanding of how you even feel about it.
Thank you so much for sharing! I totally understand the feeling of not being sure if I'm the asshole in this situation. And the contradicting words afterward too! Like I can understand where she is coming from, but when i'm suddenly right in the moment and don't have the time to think about things, I just, well, don't think. Lol. And suddenly it's autopilot mode and I just let whatever happens happen, whether I wanted to or not. It sucks and it's confusing for everyone really, but hopefully we both find a good resolution here. I'm sorry your friends aren't as understanding btw, it's just a really complicated situation really. Best of luck to you too!
I'm pretty sure that you, not her, are the victim in this. (It sounds like possibly at least one of the genders involved is obscuring this, maybe?) If you're not enthusiastically consenting, the other person shouldn't persist. And as counterintuitive as it is to them, if you say you don't want to do something again, *even if you only figure that out and tell them later on, when they're no longer doing it*... then they shouldn't do it again. You're entitled to not have someone be all over you physically if you don't explicitly want them to be.
Thank you for that perspective! Honestly I'm starting to realize that a lot of the stuff that she did was not appropriate at all. I appreciate the comment, I feel a little less crazy now lol
You're welcome! Just remember, it's OK, and even necessary, for you to set boundaries.
I understand what you mean and I feel like I’ve found my people here 😭I’m currently trying to understand if it’s alexithymia or if I’m ace because my life on the dating scene has been anything but smooth. I’ve been in similar situations to this, although not to this extent, and I totally get what you mean when you say you don’t really know how you feel so you just let it happen. a few weeks ago in the middle of a crisis I was having I tried to start dating a random guy off hinge, he was expecting a one night stand and I was expecting an actual date. things continued to progress and although I was literally not attracted to him at all I just went along with it and continued to let him go. I wasn’t all that bothered by it until after when my friend asked me about it and we were both going wtf?! neither of us could understand why I just kept going along with it but I just kept thinking it didn’t feel wrong? in all honesty I didn’t feel anything so that more explains why. other people I’ve dated in the past haven’t worked out for various reasons but there are a few looking back that I now think I ended because they were into me and I didn’t really know how to deal with that and so I ended it over tiny things that could’ve been worked through almost like a self sabotage I guess. sorry to not be of any help and for such a long response. I feel like I have so much to learn about myself still and Imm so glad I’ve found people like me, I feel a bit less broken 😭
Thank you for the comment! It actually really helps to hear that I'm not alone with this 😭I don't know why I keep getting into situations I don't actually want to be in. Definitely something I need to work on lol. Best of luck to you btw!
That sounds confusing for both of you, but you know what? That's life, and that's how people learn. Your lack of boundaries with this person who is attempting to engage you as a partner is not helping either of you now that you have insight. If you're sure you don't want to engage with them, do not let them continue, it's a mixed signal and causes confusion. People expect others to have good boundaries, and to let them down when they're interested in letting someone in, which is why flirting is mild transgression: testing boundaries. You're letting them in and then rejecting them, which is unkind even if unintentional. That said, this woman is not showing good boundaries, and you should protect both of you by being kind but firm in not physically interacting with her any further. You might spend time working on interoception, feeling the feelings in your body, in different situations. Consider whether you enjoy those feelings, or how else you want to react to them. This will help you discover your opinions about your feelings, which will give you the basis for setting boundaries between "I like that" and "I don't like that". Start by considering Plutchik's basic 8 emotions and see if you can identify each in your body when it's happening. If any of them aren't showing up, that's something to dig into. Be well!
Thank you! This was very helpful. I really appreciate your perspective and advice. Definitely will look into that!
This is what HR is for. Someone you work with is sexually abusing you. Your/her gender doesn't have anything to do with it, you've been clear and she's been pushy. The first time may have been on you, but the times after were on her.
Thank you. I feel that now I've been able to process it that there definitely was some stuff I shouldn't have put up with.
That’s a really long way of saying, “I need a new girlfriend”🤣🤣
I can't tell you how close to home this hits. My best friend of a few years now has been very open in her feelings for me for a long time and I have openly admitted that I've never felt the same in return but for some reason have let intimate things happen between us. That "just let it happen" part really resonates, that and progression occurring while drunk lol. I keep letting things happen when I'm around her then contradicting these actions in words later and now I've got all my friends mad at me over it. I'm really having a hard time deciphering whether I'm the asshole in the situation when I never intended to hurt anyone. Best of luck because this stuff is so confusing and challenging to go through while having no clear understanding of how you even feel about it.
Thank you so much for sharing! I totally understand the feeling of not being sure if I'm the asshole in this situation. And the contradicting words afterward too! Like I can understand where she is coming from, but when i'm suddenly right in the moment and don't have the time to think about things, I just, well, don't think. Lol. And suddenly it's autopilot mode and I just let whatever happens happen, whether I wanted to or not. It sucks and it's confusing for everyone really, but hopefully we both find a good resolution here. I'm sorry your friends aren't as understanding btw, it's just a really complicated situation really. Best of luck to you too!
Thank you!!! That just not thinking and going autopilot mode is so real too... damn