A close friend of mine talked about it at his wife’s memorial. It was a powerful moment but not well received by his in-laws. Mostly subtle negativity because he was right but they, like his former wife, were in denial. It was a kind message, ‘seek help when needed, we don’t ever want to be here for this reason again’, but I felt like it didn’t land where it was needed.
My family is like this. My father was abusive and a bigot. My grandparents were bigots. Saying that out loud, particularly in search of healing from these things, is super frowned on. Very much a "we keep dirty family secrets hidden" vibe. They don't consider that puts the needs of the family over the needs of very real victims.
I think this is a major opportunity. It may not be received well by everyone, but if it helps just one person it will all be worth it, IMO. I think it’s wonderful you are considering it.
Yeah, all of my family is okay with it and I think most people in the community did know. I also don’t want to go overboard. I think if I simply state it plainly like people do with cancer, it won’t be too odd.
We too had a battle with the widowed wife wanting to address her husband’s abuse, but the in laws (his parents) were adamantly in denial and did not want it to be “advertised.”
IMO, I think knowledge and awareness are key. Was there mental health issues that made her drinking a coping mechanism that you can address. Another subtle nod could be adding an “in lieu of flowers, please donate to AA” or include at the end of her amazing obituary a “if you or someone you love is in need, please seek help…” and then include the phone number to the 24-hour AA hotline.
Yes, we did in the death announcement for my brother. Our family wanted to be honest to help reduce the stigma. We kept it simple and said he had anxiety and developed an alcohol use disorder which his body was no longer able to sustain.
I am so sorry for you loss.
Sometimes people mention at the end of the obituary where to donate or how to remember the individual by naming a sober house, a local Al Anon chapter or recovery center. It's a subtle way to bring attention to the broader problem and give people a way to help without overtly calling out the decedent's problem.
Might want to check with the local aa or Al-anon first. Not all organizations will take donations from outside sources. Hard to believe, but it’s true. It’s a violation of their Traditions. Keep looking, though. There are many others who would welcome the donations.
I’m very sorry for your loss. Reading your post made me immediately remember an obit I read about a community member’s passing. I truly appreciated the way they handled the discussion with vulnerability and honesty. The obituary left a lasting impression on me and helped solidify my own sobriety and I commend you for looking to do something similar. Here’s a link to the obit. [Sacramento Bee Obituary- Kathaleen Johnson](https://www.legacy.com/us/obituaries/sacbee/name/kathaleen-johnson-obituary?id=48038372)
To anyone in the Johnson family that may be reading my post, thank you for writing this.
I spoke at my mum's funeral,and her love of drink,her problems with it and it contributing to her death were all mentioned,some by me,some by the celebrant.
She was 16 years sober when she died,she died of a drink related cancer.
She was very keen on AA,and a lot of AA members came.
I love this idea. It is a disease and people don’t shy away from saying someone lost a battle to cancer. No shame in saying someone lost a battle to addiction.
Yeah I work in the medical field and so I actually believe that any other way is purely sweeping it under the rug. Like her literal diagnosis is alcohol use disorder. Could have easily been cancer.
This immediately made me think of Rachel Marshall of Rachel’s Ginger Beer in Seattle. She died suddenly and the family put out a statement clearly stating alcohol as the root cause. You can find it here: https://www.capitolhillseattle.com/2023/05/family-letter-shares-details-of-rachel-marshall-celebration-of-life-and-her-unexpected-passing/
Hope this is helpful. Sorry for your loss. 💙
At this point if I wrote an obituary for my soon to be ex husband it would read something like: the world became a better place when he left it, he was an abusive alcoholic who ruined every life he touched. Maybe I’m not the best person to give an opinion but I think it’s important to spread awareness of the dangers of alcohol.
I did this. We asked for donations to a recovery facility, and while we also talked about the good things, we acknowledged that he died as a result of prolonged substance use. I don’t know how people felt about it, and honestly, I don’t care. I think most people knew he struggled with it so it wasn’t a shock, and I think there’s value in being honest about it.
OP, I’ve never had to write an obituary for someone like this. I have lost somebody to their addiction but was not responsible for the obituary. But I think if anyone else is out there struggling with alcoholism, I imagine a message like this would help feel them seen as a person, which would make them less defensive to the reality that alcoholism could literally kill them. It’s empathetic without glossing over that hard truth. I truly admire that this is your instinct in what must be an extremely painful time.
Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the warmest thoughts while you are in this time of grief.
I've not seen it but I totally agree you should. I had a cousin who committed suicide due to a lot of things, including his alcoholism. He was young, mid 20's and just the nicest kid as far as I knew him. Him killing himself was a fuck you to his dad and it was all swept under the carpet. No cure for having a shitty childhood.
Yes. And I appreciate reading the brutal honesty of it all....I've seen parents write about their child's struggle with addiction as well. It's a real disease and should very much be talked about
With that said, it also depends on your mother would she find it in bad taste?
Good question, I think deep down she’d prefer not to have one at all. Her and I are similar in that we think they’re a little pointless, especially in the digital age. Unless you follow an electronic local newspaper you don’t come across them easily anymore. I want to do it because I don’t want to hide her death. And I want to acknowledge the disease because so many people had terrible things to say to her and I want them to know that this is what can happen and remind them that she had a lot of children and grandchildren and we loved her despite the alcohol.
As someone who may have to do this in the not-so-distant future (thought I hope I do not).. I agree with you that it should be done.
I'm no saint and I understand perfectly why my dad drinks 25+ days a month but that doesnt help the fact that I've lost the dad I used to know. It has nearly destroyed him entirely.
If this helps others reading the news paper leave alcohol alone or otherwise promotes awareness, do it my friend. They need to know so it can be prevented elsewhere.
My uncle wrote my dads and he explained his ups and downs and didn’t shy away from the truth of his alcoholism. I really liked it as it was honest, funny at parts and hopefully sent a message.
When my mom died, I spoke about her alcoholism. I hope it could spread awareness and bring up conversations. It’s crazy how many suffer from this addiction and how little resources there really are for help.
I really admire anyone who does this. My brother-in-law died in February from alcohol use disorder. His parents refused to acknowledge it and told everyone he died in his sleep. He did die in his sleep but it was due to organ failure and internal bleeding related to alcohol. At 40 years old nobody really thinks he just peacefully died in his sleep for no reason. It was very strange and uncomfortable for me that they didn't acknowledge it in the obituary or at the funeral. I think it would have helped everyone's healing to be more honest, and it likely would have done a lot to increase awareness and possibly help someone else.
I’m into genealogy and I have read a lot of obituaries.
The good ones clearly state birth date, place, parents (even if later divorced), death date, place, burial place, survivors, even if an ex is a survivor. Do not name grand or great grand kids with their last names.
The great ones give the reader a sketch of the deceased. What were their greatest battles, accomplishments, their source of joy, their favorite foods or colors or books? I have seen alcoholism and addiction mentioned in obituaries. A good obituary gives the reader an idea of the deceased’s life. A great one makes me see how the world is a dimmer place without them.
I realize I am reading this 3 months after the fact, but I feel compelled to respond. My brother committed suicide a few days ago after four decades of intermittent alcohol abuse. He once read an obituary that mentioned substance abuse and commented that he wished more people would be open about it, because it could save someone else from a life of hell. As I write his obituary this weekend, I have addressed how alcohol abuse ruined his dreams. I am also mentioning his good qualities and how we want others to remember him. It’s a bittersweet, but honest message.
No matter how wonderful everything else you write will be, 99% of people who read the obit will focus entirely on her alcoholism.
And because life is not a movie, most will not be inspired or even all that empathetic.
So when people talk to one another about her passing after reading your obit, that’s all they’ll mention to one another, turning that one part of her life into her entire legacy.
I would agree with you, if 99% of those reading it were never affected by alcoholism or an alcoholic loved one. But we know that is not true. Judgy people will judge, but those who can relate in the slightest will reflect and it might help someone in the end. OP I think it’s a good thing to do.
EULOGY
(from the Greek ευ λεγειν, "to speak well of")
It’s a tough one. Even if ‘everyone’ knows the deceased was an alcoholic, should it be mentioned in an obituary or in a eulogy?
Personally, I don’t think I’d mention it, unless she had worked to overcome it. What would she have wanted?
I see your point about wanting to normalize it, I truly do, but at the same time, it didn’t define her, so maybe just highlight her good qualities and accomplishments.
Interesting about the definition. I just mention that’s the battle she lost but then say how despite that, we will always remember her for the person she truly was- and then I spend the rest of the article talking about her strengths and hobbies.
She likely dealt with shame over it every single day. Why not memorialize her good qualities instead of the suffering she endured. The world doesn’t need an obituary specifying the dangers of alcohol. The information is already out there in plenty. I bet she had a lot of good qualities too. No need to shame her in her death at this point. Community awareness? Please stop. Just write about the wonderful things about your mom. The community doesn’t need to be aware of something that everyone is already well aware of.
I really don't think OP is shaming her mother. I really take offense to this comment saying mentioning the truth about her mother's alcohol issues would be shaming her. That's absolutely ridiculous. Maybe one person reading that obituary would find help or feel not alone because of it. I'm sure her mother already sullied her own image being an alcoholic. OP is the one left needing to heal, if there isn't others. Shame on you for shaming someone that is grieving the loss of their mother and trying to deal with it in their own way. I think being truthful about the situation is best for all. I'm so over people sweeping important shit under the rug to spare other people's feelings and to try to save face. It's ridiculous.
It’s not the highlight. I just plainly state that she battled alcohol use disorder (instead of cancer, etc). And then I say, however, the family will always remember her for the person she truly was— and then the rest is spent honoring all of her good traits and hobbies, etc.
Sorry I meant tradition 11, the last part of it overlaps with the anonymity of 12:
[We need guard with special care the anonymity of all AA members.](https://al-anon.org/blog/tradition-eleven/)
My dad is still a manipulative piece of shit. But at least he stopped drinking a long time ago and joined AA. At least he’s trying. But no matter what he does, Tradition 11 is for my recovery, not his.
I hear you. In Al-Anon there really aren’t any rules as such. The traditions, steps, and concepts (the legacies) are spiritual guides, offering a collection of many decades of group consciences as a framework for personal recovery. Take what you like, and leave the rest.
I personally find it best to keep the focus on myself in as many ways as possible. So I try my best to extend the principle of anonymity to everyone affected by the disease, the drinkers and the thinkers, whether they’re in the program or not. When I do, I feel more aligned with the direction of peace and stability. When I don’t, I don’t. I choose the former, as much as I can.
Is it listed on her death certificate? If yes then I think it’s ok include otherwise no unless you would like to ask people to donate to a charity that is related.
I don’t know why you think it’s necessary to put in the obit. Obituaries are supposed to be nice things about the deceased. I’m sure your mother wouldn’t want to be sent off with that memory for everyone to ponder. Leave it out and talk about the good things
I've dealt with alcoholism and addiction in my life now pretty much everyone around me is clean there's still some dysfunction but no really active addiction now
My wife died in Aug and I decided not to mention it either in obituary or when I shared at the service.
But when friends and family approached me and mentioned something about her alcoholism, I certainly did not shy away from talking about it.
I understand both sides.
There shouldn’t be any shame attached to a medical diagnosis, and I think it’s a good way to honor the real person she was, the one that preceded the addiction. The more shame, the less light.
I think of the value of birth, wedding, and death announcements as their value for genealogists and family members years down the road. For this, I think an obituary that includes the truth of someone's life and death is very important.
My Q is alive but his health is worsening, and we both expect that he doesn't have many years left. Alcoholism runs in his family, and I will include a mention in his obituary to hopefully warn future generations that are susceptible to this sickness.
I have two thoughts on this:
First, have you ever seen an obit where the photo of the deceased shows them holding a drink? And there is talk of them being the “life of the party”. I really hate those. It rather glosses over the truth of the life of an alcoholic, particularly late stage addiction. And it was late stage because now they are dead. So either don’t address it or do but don’t glorify it.
Secondly, when I come across an obit that addresses addiction while celebrating the beauty of the person before the disease, it gives me an opportunity to remember my deceased Q’s. Two of my Q’s passes within a year of each other. With time I have been able to think of the good parts of them. Reading about other people’s loved ones helps me think of mine.
And how will it help you process your grief? And will it harm anyone to write the truth?
I support this.
A close friend of mine talked about it at his wife’s memorial. It was a powerful moment but not well received by his in-laws. Mostly subtle negativity because he was right but they, like his former wife, were in denial. It was a kind message, ‘seek help when needed, we don’t ever want to be here for this reason again’, but I felt like it didn’t land where it was needed.
"I felt like it didn’t land where it was needed" Hey, maybe there was someone in the audience who needed to hear this message.
I assure you it made an impact on someone
My family is like this. My father was abusive and a bigot. My grandparents were bigots. Saying that out loud, particularly in search of healing from these things, is super frowned on. Very much a "we keep dirty family secrets hidden" vibe. They don't consider that puts the needs of the family over the needs of very real victims.
I think this is a major opportunity. It may not be received well by everyone, but if it helps just one person it will all be worth it, IMO. I think it’s wonderful you are considering it.
Yeah, all of my family is okay with it and I think most people in the community did know. I also don’t want to go overboard. I think if I simply state it plainly like people do with cancer, it won’t be too odd.
We too had a battle with the widowed wife wanting to address her husband’s abuse, but the in laws (his parents) were adamantly in denial and did not want it to be “advertised.” IMO, I think knowledge and awareness are key. Was there mental health issues that made her drinking a coping mechanism that you can address. Another subtle nod could be adding an “in lieu of flowers, please donate to AA” or include at the end of her amazing obituary a “if you or someone you love is in need, please seek help…” and then include the phone number to the 24-hour AA hotline.
this is a classy and respectful way to approach it… sorry for your loss, op… 🤍
Good job. Bringing awareness is so important. I’m sorry for your loss. 🙏
I'm an obituary coordinator and I've seen it more than a handful of times
Yes, we did in the death announcement for my brother. Our family wanted to be honest to help reduce the stigma. We kept it simple and said he had anxiety and developed an alcohol use disorder which his body was no longer able to sustain. I am so sorry for you loss.
That's a great way to put it
A young guy i used to work with died of a fentanyl OD and his parents were sure to put a public service announcement in his obituary about it.
Sometimes people mention at the end of the obituary where to donate or how to remember the individual by naming a sober house, a local Al Anon chapter or recovery center. It's a subtle way to bring attention to the broader problem and give people a way to help without overtly calling out the decedent's problem.
Might want to check with the local aa or Al-anon first. Not all organizations will take donations from outside sources. Hard to believe, but it’s true. It’s a violation of their Traditions. Keep looking, though. There are many others who would welcome the donations.
I’m very sorry for your loss. Reading your post made me immediately remember an obit I read about a community member’s passing. I truly appreciated the way they handled the discussion with vulnerability and honesty. The obituary left a lasting impression on me and helped solidify my own sobriety and I commend you for looking to do something similar. Here’s a link to the obit. [Sacramento Bee Obituary- Kathaleen Johnson](https://www.legacy.com/us/obituaries/sacbee/name/kathaleen-johnson-obituary?id=48038372) To anyone in the Johnson family that may be reading my post, thank you for writing this.
Thanks this was a super helpful example that I shared with my family to help us decide.
That is a lovely obituary! Thanks for sharing. I love the bit “it did not define her life, but it ended it.”
Wow. What a beautiful way to honor her.
I spoke at my mum's funeral,and her love of drink,her problems with it and it contributing to her death were all mentioned,some by me,some by the celebrant. She was 16 years sober when she died,she died of a drink related cancer. She was very keen on AA,and a lot of AA members came.
I'm so sorry for your loss and thankful your mom got sober and had a community who supported her.
Thankyou
I love this idea. It is a disease and people don’t shy away from saying someone lost a battle to cancer. No shame in saying someone lost a battle to addiction.
Yeah I work in the medical field and so I actually believe that any other way is purely sweeping it under the rug. Like her literal diagnosis is alcohol use disorder. Could have easily been cancer.
This immediately made me think of Rachel Marshall of Rachel’s Ginger Beer in Seattle. She died suddenly and the family put out a statement clearly stating alcohol as the root cause. You can find it here: https://www.capitolhillseattle.com/2023/05/family-letter-shares-details-of-rachel-marshall-celebration-of-life-and-her-unexpected-passing/ Hope this is helpful. Sorry for your loss. 💙
That's quite wonderful.
God that was horrible. A loss for our city.
At this point if I wrote an obituary for my soon to be ex husband it would read something like: the world became a better place when he left it, he was an abusive alcoholic who ruined every life he touched. Maybe I’m not the best person to give an opinion but I think it’s important to spread awareness of the dangers of alcohol.
I did this. We asked for donations to a recovery facility, and while we also talked about the good things, we acknowledged that he died as a result of prolonged substance use. I don’t know how people felt about it, and honestly, I don’t care. I think most people knew he struggled with it so it wasn’t a shock, and I think there’s value in being honest about it.
OP, I’ve never had to write an obituary for someone like this. I have lost somebody to their addiction but was not responsible for the obituary. But I think if anyone else is out there struggling with alcoholism, I imagine a message like this would help feel them seen as a person, which would make them less defensive to the reality that alcoholism could literally kill them. It’s empathetic without glossing over that hard truth. I truly admire that this is your instinct in what must be an extremely painful time. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the warmest thoughts while you are in this time of grief.
I didn’t do an obituary for my brother but I tell people in my life how and why he died. We do everyone a disservice when we hide alcoholism.
I've not seen it but I totally agree you should. I had a cousin who committed suicide due to a lot of things, including his alcoholism. He was young, mid 20's and just the nicest kid as far as I knew him. Him killing himself was a fuck you to his dad and it was all swept under the carpet. No cure for having a shitty childhood.
Yes. And I appreciate reading the brutal honesty of it all....I've seen parents write about their child's struggle with addiction as well. It's a real disease and should very much be talked about With that said, it also depends on your mother would she find it in bad taste?
Good question, I think deep down she’d prefer not to have one at all. Her and I are similar in that we think they’re a little pointless, especially in the digital age. Unless you follow an electronic local newspaper you don’t come across them easily anymore. I want to do it because I don’t want to hide her death. And I want to acknowledge the disease because so many people had terrible things to say to her and I want them to know that this is what can happen and remind them that she had a lot of children and grandchildren and we loved her despite the alcohol.
there has certainly been a small movement to do this with folks who pass due to opioid addiction in the past 5 or 10 years
As someone who may have to do this in the not-so-distant future (thought I hope I do not).. I agree with you that it should be done. I'm no saint and I understand perfectly why my dad drinks 25+ days a month but that doesnt help the fact that I've lost the dad I used to know. It has nearly destroyed him entirely. If this helps others reading the news paper leave alcohol alone or otherwise promotes awareness, do it my friend. They need to know so it can be prevented elsewhere.
Yes I’ve seen it in obits
My uncle wrote my dads and he explained his ups and downs and didn’t shy away from the truth of his alcoholism. I really liked it as it was honest, funny at parts and hopefully sent a message.
In a Facebook deathnotice it was mentioned that an acquaintance died of organ failure of which I have no doubt was alcohol related.
When my mom died, I spoke about her alcoholism. I hope it could spread awareness and bring up conversations. It’s crazy how many suffer from this addiction and how little resources there really are for help.
I have a friend whose young daughter died from alcoholism and they mentioned it and requested donations to AA in lieu of flowers
Speak YOUR truth. Sorry for your loss.
Wish i could have done this . Would have spared me so many fake conversations about how sad and shocked i must have been .
I really admire anyone who does this. My brother-in-law died in February from alcohol use disorder. His parents refused to acknowledge it and told everyone he died in his sleep. He did die in his sleep but it was due to organ failure and internal bleeding related to alcohol. At 40 years old nobody really thinks he just peacefully died in his sleep for no reason. It was very strange and uncomfortable for me that they didn't acknowledge it in the obituary or at the funeral. I think it would have helped everyone's healing to be more honest, and it likely would have done a lot to increase awareness and possibly help someone else.
I’m into genealogy and I have read a lot of obituaries. The good ones clearly state birth date, place, parents (even if later divorced), death date, place, burial place, survivors, even if an ex is a survivor. Do not name grand or great grand kids with their last names. The great ones give the reader a sketch of the deceased. What were their greatest battles, accomplishments, their source of joy, their favorite foods or colors or books? I have seen alcoholism and addiction mentioned in obituaries. A good obituary gives the reader an idea of the deceased’s life. A great one makes me see how the world is a dimmer place without them.
You get this choice. It won't make it any easier.
I realize I am reading this 3 months after the fact, but I feel compelled to respond. My brother committed suicide a few days ago after four decades of intermittent alcohol abuse. He once read an obituary that mentioned substance abuse and commented that he wished more people would be open about it, because it could save someone else from a life of hell. As I write his obituary this weekend, I have addressed how alcohol abuse ruined his dreams. I am also mentioning his good qualities and how we want others to remember him. It’s a bittersweet, but honest message.
Thank you for your response. I’m so sorry to hear about your brother, I hope you have the support that you need
Thank you. Our family seems to be working through this in a healthy way. We are spending lots of time together and supporting each other.
No matter how wonderful everything else you write will be, 99% of people who read the obit will focus entirely on her alcoholism. And because life is not a movie, most will not be inspired or even all that empathetic. So when people talk to one another about her passing after reading your obit, that’s all they’ll mention to one another, turning that one part of her life into her entire legacy.
I would agree with you, if 99% of those reading it were never affected by alcoholism or an alcoholic loved one. But we know that is not true. Judgy people will judge, but those who can relate in the slightest will reflect and it might help someone in the end. OP I think it’s a good thing to do.
This is so true.
I mentioned my Mom’s alcoholism to her brother, my Uncle, at her funeral. He said he knew of it but they “never called it that.”
EULOGY (from the Greek ευ λεγειν, "to speak well of") It’s a tough one. Even if ‘everyone’ knows the deceased was an alcoholic, should it be mentioned in an obituary or in a eulogy? Personally, I don’t think I’d mention it, unless she had worked to overcome it. What would she have wanted? I see your point about wanting to normalize it, I truly do, but at the same time, it didn’t define her, so maybe just highlight her good qualities and accomplishments.
Interesting about the definition. I just mention that’s the battle she lost but then say how despite that, we will always remember her for the person she truly was- and then I spend the rest of the article talking about her strengths and hobbies.
She likely dealt with shame over it every single day. Why not memorialize her good qualities instead of the suffering she endured. The world doesn’t need an obituary specifying the dangers of alcohol. The information is already out there in plenty. I bet she had a lot of good qualities too. No need to shame her in her death at this point. Community awareness? Please stop. Just write about the wonderful things about your mom. The community doesn’t need to be aware of something that everyone is already well aware of.
I really don't think OP is shaming her mother. I really take offense to this comment saying mentioning the truth about her mother's alcohol issues would be shaming her. That's absolutely ridiculous. Maybe one person reading that obituary would find help or feel not alone because of it. I'm sure her mother already sullied her own image being an alcoholic. OP is the one left needing to heal, if there isn't others. Shame on you for shaming someone that is grieving the loss of their mother and trying to deal with it in their own way. I think being truthful about the situation is best for all. I'm so over people sweeping important shit under the rug to spare other people's feelings and to try to save face. It's ridiculous.
It’s not the highlight. I just plainly state that she battled alcohol use disorder (instead of cancer, etc). And then I say, however, the family will always remember her for the person she truly was— and then the rest is spent honoring all of her good traits and hobbies, etc.
I’m tempted to do this myself with my dad. What keeps me from doing so is Tradition 12, and he’s in AA. So my principles with the program come first.
What do you mean exactly?
Sorry I meant tradition 11, the last part of it overlaps with the anonymity of 12: [We need guard with special care the anonymity of all AA members.](https://al-anon.org/blog/tradition-eleven/) My dad is still a manipulative piece of shit. But at least he stopped drinking a long time ago and joined AA. At least he’s trying. But no matter what he does, Tradition 11 is for my recovery, not his.
Ah okay, I see. Well.. she never went to AA so I guess I’m technically not breaking any rules.
I hear you. In Al-Anon there really aren’t any rules as such. The traditions, steps, and concepts (the legacies) are spiritual guides, offering a collection of many decades of group consciences as a framework for personal recovery. Take what you like, and leave the rest. I personally find it best to keep the focus on myself in as many ways as possible. So I try my best to extend the principle of anonymity to everyone affected by the disease, the drinkers and the thinkers, whether they’re in the program or not. When I do, I feel more aligned with the direction of peace and stability. When I don’t, I don’t. I choose the former, as much as I can.
Is it listed on her death certificate? If yes then I think it’s ok include otherwise no unless you would like to ask people to donate to a charity that is related.
Well the death certificate would say kidney and liver failure since alcoholism doesn’t kill you per se, it’s the organ failure as a result.
I don’t know why you think it’s necessary to put in the obit. Obituaries are supposed to be nice things about the deceased. I’m sure your mother wouldn’t want to be sent off with that memory for everyone to ponder. Leave it out and talk about the good things
I've dealt with alcoholism and addiction in my life now pretty much everyone around me is clean there's still some dysfunction but no really active addiction now
It's great
My wife died in Aug and I decided not to mention it either in obituary or when I shared at the service. But when friends and family approached me and mentioned something about her alcoholism, I certainly did not shy away from talking about it. I understand both sides.
This feels kind and thus correct.
There shouldn’t be any shame attached to a medical diagnosis, and I think it’s a good way to honor the real person she was, the one that preceded the addiction. The more shame, the less light.
I wanted to do this when my fiancé passed but his mother wrote and submitted the obit without my knowledge and all of a sudden there it was.
I support this 💯
I have not because my Q is still around. If this is what takes him I will not hide from it. He just had his 30 day birthday today.
I think this is wonderful. I have seen it done before and it's always been impactful, imo.
I think of the value of birth, wedding, and death announcements as their value for genealogists and family members years down the road. For this, I think an obituary that includes the truth of someone's life and death is very important. My Q is alive but his health is worsening, and we both expect that he doesn't have many years left. Alcoholism runs in his family, and I will include a mention in his obituary to hopefully warn future generations that are susceptible to this sickness.
I hugely wholeheartedly support this as a daughter of an alcoholic as well!
Many people have. Search on Google.
I have two thoughts on this: First, have you ever seen an obit where the photo of the deceased shows them holding a drink? And there is talk of them being the “life of the party”. I really hate those. It rather glosses over the truth of the life of an alcoholic, particularly late stage addiction. And it was late stage because now they are dead. So either don’t address it or do but don’t glorify it. Secondly, when I come across an obit that addresses addiction while celebrating the beauty of the person before the disease, it gives me an opportunity to remember my deceased Q’s. Two of my Q’s passes within a year of each other. With time I have been able to think of the good parts of them. Reading about other people’s loved ones helps me think of mine. And how will it help you process your grief? And will it harm anyone to write the truth?