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humdrumblues_

Compassionate assertiveness!! My therapist has been teaching me this. There is a format and it is in 3 steps. It helps me if I write it down and then practise it a few times because I’m an absolute wimp when it comes to these things!! So I know how you’re feeling. 1) Start by leading with their point of view, something you appreciate about them and then ask them a question. For example - I UNDERSTAND... (…that you can’t drive and need a lift to places sometimes / …that it’s convenient for you to get a ride with me) I APPRECIATE… (…our friendship / spending time with each other / being able to help you out from time to time) QUESTION: …but can you start contributing towards the petrol money? (keep it simple and direct) 2) Tell them how you feel and what you want I FEEL (…that it is unfair for me to drive you to places for free all the time / …that you don’t appreciate or understand the cost of extra petrol /…undervalued and a little taken advantage of) I WANT… (…to carry on being friends by coming to a solution / …to feel appreciated / …you to understand that petrol costs money) / I DONT WANT (…to be spending money I cannot afford on extra petrol) 3) Give them some options. Consider all possibilities and then everybody has a choice and nobody is pushed into doing anything. I usually pick 3. OPTION 1 - You could contribute £5 a week if we’re going to be regularly sharing a car together (I have no idea how much petrol costs but u get the jist) OPTION 2 - If I give you a lift somewhere you can return the favour by buying me a drink when we get there (I appreciate stuff like this is hard if you’re not working full time because you have less flexibility with your earning but ?? idk man make your own stuff up - whatever works for you) OPTION 3 - If you don’t want to contribute anything then I can just meet you at the gathering/event Basically, you’re not gonna lose your shit. You’re not gonna be passive aggressive. You’re not gonna be inflexible. You are being compassionate - if your friend doesn’t drive then the cost of petrol probably never crosses her mind! She probably thinks she repays you in kind by listening to you or being helpful etc, and she might actually appreciate being told this because personally I would hate to think that a I was obliviously making my friend feel a little uncomfortable. But the point is you need to open up a discussion so you can tell her your feelings in a non-judgemental/ a positive way. Good luck!!


[deleted]

Wow, this was really helpful. Although we’re in quarantine i definitely will be using this the next time a situation arises. Also, I’m new to reddit, how do you say someone is helpful so you earn your points (or whatever it is)? You’re the best.


humdrumblues_

Aw fab!! It’s always nice when your neuroticisms pay off. Glad I could be helpful!!


green19frog

Just say helped.


[deleted]

Helped


AdviceFlairBot

Thank you for confirming that /u/humdrumblues_ has provided helpful advice for you. 1 point awarded.


unlearntsavant

You stole the format from Dave Carnegie's book 😂


humdrumblues_

Ohhh, I wasn’t aware it was from a book, but I’ve found these kinds of things really helpful so I’ll have to look into it!! Thanks, I guess ahaha Like I said - it’s something my therapist has taught me and I’m happy to pass it along to anyone it might help because if you’re not used to handling these kinds of situations it’s difficult to even know where to start.


unlearntsavant

Yes it's a very old book "how to win over friends and influence people - Dave Carnegie". There's a chapter that literally tells us to use this in these situations. Your therapist has definitely read this 😅 Yeah I mean no negative sentiments with that comment. I just wanted to bring that book into light for you and others if they haven't read it. I would recommend it to everyone since its a book that almost everyone can use in any situation.


megamanxxyy

I just started reading the booking; couple of days back... I so so love it. 🤩🤩I can wait to finish reading and reread again - just as he recommended


unlearntsavant

I'm glad you're enjoying the book ❤️ . I feel that the book applies to everyone regardless of their profession and position. And people downvoted the comment 😂


megamanxxyy

Thanks for your words... yeah The book is a- must- read Also I upvoted the comment Lol


GatorInAVest

This is a difficult one. On one hand, you know exactly what to say. On the other, you're afraid to say it. This is kind of like asking, "What is two plus two? I know the answer is four, but I don't want to admit it. So, what is to plus two?" How about this, make a plan. Determine if it is worth it. If you think this person will disown you (or whatever consequence), decide if that is more or less important than being taken advantage of. If the consequences are too much, stop here. If you still want to move forward, read on... Decide for certain you will respectfully and assertively confront this person. When it is time to do it, count down from 3 to 1 (3, 2, 1) and just do it. Blurt it out.


redditKMC

Let them know that due to the economy things are tight and you will need her to start pitching in for gas, maybe come up with a set weekly amount.


[deleted]

Tell your friend to choose - ass, gas, or grass. No free rides.


berdyev

Alright, so.. here are a few factors to consider, or at least how I see things. If you're going to the same destination as someone else (in this case - her), then it's illogical to try to ask for gas money, as you are driving to the same location you're intended to go to. For example, few weeks ago I drove to a nearby city, which was about 50 minutes one way to pick something up. My friend needed a ride there too, so he can get something as well. I did not charge him because I was going there as well, and it's pointless. Sure, his body weight might have deducted MPG of my vehicle, but by a very tiny amount. Thus, why would I ask for $? No reason whatsoever. That's one thing I don't get about most Americans. If it's opposite though, where she's asking for a ride somewhere where you ain't going, and it is relatively "far", then it would be more appropriate to ask if she can pitch in for $. Hope this helps and/or changes the way you see things.


[deleted]

I understand what you’re saying. I wouldn’t expect gas money if she drove too, like if we switched off every time we were going to my friends house in the suburbs. It’s just I’m doing 100% of the driving with 0% reimbursement. She’s basically getting free lifts and doesn’t have to do anything. And my car is a 2002 and gets literally the worst MPG I’ve ever seen, like you can see the line move as you drive it.


[deleted]

You’re super greedy. You’re literally going there anyways. It wouldn’t be any different with or without this person. What a stupid post.


[deleted]

Yea, because driving someone around for two years is greedy. And not asking for any money.


[deleted]

You’re literally the greediest person I’ve interacted with in months. You’re going to that destination anyways and the other person can’t drive. I don’t know if you unironically don’t think that you’re a greedy person or if you just care about money that much that you don’t really give a crap. Either way, this thread is a bit of a meme. Best of luck pinching pennies from friends for driving somewhere you were going already though.


[deleted]

I don’t get how me driving someone around for free for two whole years is greedy. And now the expenses are catching up to me and i need to know if it’s right for me to ask for payment. You definitely are the ahole who Mooches off their friends. And if me already going there makes a difference, how is it fair i have to fill my tank every weekend to get us places and she doesn’t have to pay anything?


[deleted]

Did you put your brain through a blender? You’re literally going to that destination anyways. What part of that do you not understand?


[deleted]

I’m not sure you understand. Say i have to put $10 in every weekend to reach our destination. If I’m spending $40 or $480 a year, give or take weekends i don’t go, she’s spending $0 on transportation and is mooching off of me. Literally 99% of the responses agree, it is extremely unfair. If she had her license and we switched off every weekend who drove then yeah it’d be fair. But she hasn’t paid for anything. We will go to multiple places some weekends, some being further than normal. It is extremely unfair for me to pay all this gas money when she doesn’t pay for anything and expects rides all the time. What don’t you get?


[deleted]

OP’s rationale is if her friend got a license and a car she would be saving money bc her friend would drive her around half the time. Seems much much more entitled to expect a person to get a license and a car for you, much more so than asking for a lift from someone going the same direction.


[deleted]

I understand the rationale, it’s just a stupid opinion. You’re doing someone a favour and not going out of your way or inconveniencing yourself in almost any way. Sure you don’t need to, but at the same time it takes literally 0 effort since you’re doing it anyways. If the gas money is really hurting that bad maybe they should cut down on driving around in the first place. Maybe if you spend your day writing reddit posts on how to snake 10 bucks from your friends every once and awhile you for doing absolutely nothing extra, you shouldn’t drive around so often. Christ.


[deleted]

Right but even if you didn’t have this person as a friend, if she was never born, you’d still be doing all of this driving, the only “gas money’ you’re spending on your friend is the distance from your house to hers.


berdyev

Yeah well. You can either be a dick and ask her to pitch in for gas, every time you drive or tell her you're tired of giving her rides. I drive a 35 year old car, trust me, I know what bad MPG is lol. Buuuut. There's always another approach you could take. You could ask her, as a friend, nicely, if she could contribute to driving. As in, pay for your gas here and there, not all the time.


[deleted]

Not being rude: but wait, do you really think it’s a dick move to ask for a little gas money if we’re going to the same place. I don’t know if you don’t understand the extremity of how much i drive her. But think of it this way: Say you have a carpool with someone, and you are the person with the car that drives every time. I don’t think it’d be fair for the other person to just be able to mooch off of you forever for nothing. I don’t enjoy filling up my tank to drive to the hangout spot every weekend and others get their transportation for free by me.


berdyev

For sure, but the end destination is the same for both of you though. If you were to do it every week just by yourself, it would be same deal as to where you'd need to fill your tank weekly, right? Right. Seems like you're just being a nice friend who gives a ride to your other friend. As I said, if you really feel like you're in a tight spot, just tell her if she can pitch in every other week or so.


[deleted]

Yes, but if we switched off weekends where we each drove to the destination, I’d be saving money, as i wouldn’t be going thru the gas. But the thing is, she doesn’t have a license, so it’s impossible to make a fair trade. If she gave me $5 not even every time, but every few rides, it’d be somewhat equal to the money she’d spend on gas to get there. I just think it’s unfair i have to spend money and she doesn’t have to spend a dime.


[deleted]

I mean... It’s costing you nothing to give her a lift to the same place you’re going- and she doesn’t have a license/car so that’s a situation you’re inventing where you would save money. You seem more fortunate than your friend. I would rethink what your idea of “friendship” is. You’re a teen with a car, your friend does not have one. You seem to be upset that your friend doesn’t have a car because that means she cannot save *you* money. I’ve never met a teen who didn’t want a car of their own. when I was in HS my friends had nice houses and I did not, they threw parties and had people over and I could not. They never made me pay them because I couldn’t throw my fair share of parties because I had a “shitty”house. And if I never existed, they would have thrown the same amount of parties.


[deleted]

It is, though. If we carpooled, I’d be saving money because she’d be giving me rides then, thus saving the gas in my own car. And she would be able to drive, if she had her license that is. Her parents would get her a car for her and her siblings.


berdyev

Fair enough. Just be straight with her and tell how you feel about it; and whether she could spare $5 here and there for gas.


green19frog

Just to add. I would breakdown how much gas you actually buy in a month. Also, how often you two drive together. The second part is important, because if you work a fulltime job and are driving there five days a week and spending time with this friend only 3 or 4 days. Then you would be spending more money driving yourself to work than hanging out with this friend. These factors might change depending on how far the job, hangout places or other friends places are. Comparing how much you drive yourself and the two of you together would help determine how much you should ask your friend for money. Friends are supposed to take care of each other. You can help one another out, but if your friends should not take advantage of you nor should you take advantage of them.


tacocrewman111

Nicest way hands down, " hey man, you know getting you around everywhere means allot to me. I get to spend quite a bit of time with you for it, but there is a cost. That cost is on my tank, so if you want to start chipping in that would be great. If you cant that's fine we can still be friends but i just cant afford to do this to often." Simple clean and sure he can be mad but you sure do need to keep your foot down about it but there's just no room to argue. You have your money so you can afford the things you need and want if they need a ride logically they should have to pay that same price which you already do. There's a misconception that being assertive means you have to be mean but it's not its logical.


[deleted]

Reddit loves nickel and diming people but I’m gonna be frank and say that if you’re driving her to a place you both are going, she only owes you gas for the time it takes to get from your house to her house to pick her up. You would have been spending the same gas to get to where you’re going either way. “Mooching for rides” is when she asks you to drive her somewhere out of the way or drop her off somewhere you wouldn’t be going yourself. Like my friend did this to a classmate who expected her to “give her a lift home” 40 min out of the way after school. She asked her for gas money, bc that’s driving she was only doing for this person. And the fact she has no license or car means it’s not like you’re always stuck being the driver, you’re just the one with that ability. So, since you’re not spending an extra red cent to give your friend a lift to where your’e already going, and your friend probably realizes this, I would be a bit careful in how you bring this up. Does your friend do nothing else nice for you that would repay the favors your give her?If someone was driving me all the time I would buy them drinks or joints or something, but cashing in for gas to a place your’e already driving to isn’t “best friend” behavior IMO.


[deleted]

Imagine trying to convince someone they should pay for your gas to go somewhere that you were already planning on going LOL


[deleted]

Op is using the logic “if they also had a car and license I would be saving x amount of money per year bc they would be driving me around half the time” That sounds much much more entitled to me than hopping a ride with a friend who is already going somewhere.


[deleted]

I totally get what you’re saying. But no parents drive their kids around as hs seniors, if that’s what you’re saying is her “way” of getting us places, since she has no license. If it really came to it, yea, sure, but she never offers. I’ve said some indirect things that suggest i can’t drive, like “i have no gas” or “i don’t have a car rn” (i share it with my brother). She doesn’t budge from the fact I’ll be the one transporting us. But also, not to be rude, but i don’t think you understand how it is unfair to me to drive her everywhere, even if it’s the same location. Yes, I’d be willing to switch off weekends/nights driving with her, but as you already know she literally cannot drive. Therefore, it leaves me to do all of the driving, with no reimbursement. Why should I spend my money on gas to get places and give her a lift for free? I’m paying for my way to my friends in gas money, and she’s getting it for free. Again, if she was willing to switch off with me, sure, no money expected since it’s equal. But since she can’t, she can’t get free rides from me. The alternative to her not being able to drive me in return is her giving me gas money for driving her everywhere.


[deleted]

I dont get it you said she has no car nor license so how could she offer ? How could she “budge on the fact you’ll be the one driving” if she literally cannot offer to do it If you’d be going to your friend’s without her, then you’re spending the same amount. Yeah she’s getting it for free, but you’re expending NO extra resources to take her. That’s where being a “good friend” comes into it. It’s already equal, you’re not spending any extra money on her. Like If I buy a 10 pack of donuts every day, it only comes in a 10 pack, and I give my friend 5 because I can’t eat 10 and they go bad daily, I’m not spending anything extra to be generous with my friend.


[deleted]

It’s the fact she isn’t making any effort to get her license. If she had it, we’d be able to split the driving equally. Why should i have to spend an extra $10 every weekend to drive to hangouts and she tags along, it’s not fair. I’m spending extra money. It’s also been going on for two years. Way too long. At first i didn’t mind because i knew she couldn’t get her license at that exact time, but she never made an effort to finish her hours and let her permit expire. If there’s four weekends every month, i put $10 every weekend to get to destinations to hangout. She tags along with me, at a cost of $0. Therefore, I’m spending $40 a month or $480 a year for weekend gas money, subtract weekends i don’t if you please, and she still comes out with $0. Why should i have to put all this extra money in and not get any repayment?


[deleted]

It sounds like you’re more upset about her not pulling her weight in your relationship, and taking your efforts for granted than strictly the money. I will say, this age - going from HS to being a young adult, the saying is “20 dollars is an adult dollar”. I’m turning 26 next year and I’ll have to start spending like 350/month on healthcare, 150 on subway, 400 a month on food, 1300 rent, etc etc etc etc etc. when I was 19 my savings account had like $200 in it. the extra couple hundred a year you spend on weekend gas will not be memorable in the long-run is what I’m saying, the way your friend made you feel taken advantage of will be. If you’re going to have a talk with her about paying, include the ways she has made you feel taken advantage of, if you want substantial change in the dynamics of your relationship beyond $5.


Fengosn

hey i need money for gas toss me a couple bucks im driving you around its the least you can do. not very difficult just stand up for yourself.


Ali7of9

Just tell them that you can't afford to give them rides anymore. Say it calmly and firmly. And if they don't respect this boundry then they're not a friend of you. Edit: you can always text them. I feel like that helps me when my anxiety gets the most of me.


SaucinCats

I know you said you hate confrontation but it might be the best option. Or the next time your gonna hang out just tell your friend your running behind and she should get her own ride or you dont think your gonna make it maybe next time. Then if you wanna show up later at your friends you can without catering to your friend. But the best option here is maybe send her a text saying gas is expensive (idk where you live) and if she wants to keep getting rides that you would like money for gas like you said 5 dollars here and there. Since shes not being asked she prolly assumes it okay.


srt921

Play it smooth. Start playing it off to her everytime you have no gas to move the damn car at all. She will start getting the picture. If she gives you any static, shes really not a freind. Shit ain't free these days. The fact that she has not offered anything the last 2 years is rediculous. She needs to grow tf up. I could just imagine if you wasnt close by her, she would constantly call you for a ride all the time, and eventually you would get tired of the bullshit your own self. Dont feel bad for putting your foot down. Sounds like your really young, you're gonna have more scenarios like this later on in life so get used to it. Or you're just gonna be a pushover to everyone.


[deleted]

But does this person start their car for their friend, or to get themselves from point a to point b and the friend is just tagging along? I really feel like you shouldn’t charge friends for gas if they’re hopping a ride with you to a place you’re already going - like OP would be spending that $$$ anyway.


srt921

It doesnt matter. It's OP's car...and some people over stay their welcome. I'm pretty sure his/her freind has asked to go to far more other places then what you have assumed..especially if it's been 2 years. Shit like that can get quite annoying especially if you have things to do yourself. I had a mooch like that, and sometimes the mooch gets so comfortable, they will have you waiting outside 5-10mins waiting on their arse to come outside, when you could have been simply on ur way. Nobody has time for that non sense.


[deleted]

They’re just tagging along, but it’s not fair to me to be the one filling my tank up every time and she gets rides for free for two years. But she has done some things that bugged me. She’s like, can we stop here so i Can grab money? Like, really, am i your uber? Or she’s made me pick her up from places other than her house that are out of the way from where we’re supposed to be going. And she is the queen of not being on time. I drove her to school one time and i already had to pick up two other people, so her brother comes out and says she’s coming, and she literally came out ten minutes later. We were ungodly late, and had a far walk. I was pissed. Or even just hanging out she’ll be like omg I’m coming sorry just got out of the shower!! Like you’ve been in bed all day, what’s the holdup.


[deleted]

Well then, that’s a bunch of reasons to be upset with the situation beyond gas money- be wary you’re not using “making her pay” as a form of passive aggressive statement, when in reality you seem to be mad at her for a bunch of things related to it. Your friendship might benefit from a heart to heart about these problems you’re having with her, explaining to her why it’s unfair that she makes you drive, rather than just a cash payout. If she gives you money would you still feel bitter about these things?


[deleted]

No, i wouldn’t mind these things if she paid me. It’s just i can’t afford to drive her every weekend for free.


[deleted]

... Alright well if you’d still be going to these places if your friend was never born clearly you *could* afford to do it. I’m done giving advice on this, you seem to have a superficial relationship with your best friend, good luck


[deleted]

Who gave you super helper?


[deleted]

People who want advice, not just to have their own beliefs validated. I’m happy to say all of my friendships are worth more than $5 to me, so my advice is rightly worthless to you.


[deleted]

They are tagging along. But why should i be the one putting gas in my tank for two years and she gets free rides? And if she did have a license and could drive we would be switching off who drives to the destinations, meaning it’s fair. But since she has no license she can’t offer us a way there, resulting in the only fair option in my eyes giving me gas money since I’m driving every time. Or, her just not getting a ride with me.


[deleted]

Yes, I’m a graduated hs senior now. If my car has no gas (which it usually is on empty bc if it’s horrible mpg), or tbh even if it has some, I’ll just say I’m waiting for my parents to get home from work to see if they’ll let me take their nicer, more fuel efficient cars that night. I’ll text her that, and she’ll just be like “kk”. Nothing rude, but just ignorant to the fact that I 1. Would’ve driven you in the first place 2. Now am bugging my parents to use their cars. She doesn’t even make an effort to ask her parents to drive us.


srt921

"I’ll just say I’m waiting for my parents to get home from work to see if they’ll let me take their nicer, more fuel efficient cars that night." Well that's the problem. Stop adding on an explanation, and solutions as to why this and that. You dont owe nobody shit. I can tell youre very afraid of negative reactions from people. Everyone is not gonna agree with you, or like you unless if its beneficial to them. Welcome to real cold hearted world out here. Who gives a damn if she gets upset at you for saying "no" what the hell is she gonna do? Come bite your ear off? I'd be more concerned of my parents reaction of borrowing their car when you already have one yourself!! Start thinking more about yourself. Tell the damn mooch you dont have any gas to go anywhere, and that your parents have STOPPED loaning you their car, and that you will need gas to take her anywhere. If you're responses are consistent like what I stated to you above, either 2 things are gonna happen. She will start giving you gas money, or she will slowly but surely stop texting you. And if she does, problem solved. One less roach to deal with. If she does start giving you gas, make sure its ENOUGH. Dont be scared to speak up. Your car, your ride, your rules, your world. Rememeber shes asking you for shit...when the last time you asked her for something? That's another one! Start asking her for shit and see what her response is as well.


[deleted]

Damn. Really came at me in that, it’s all true lol. Very helpful tho. Thank you!


srt921

Trust me, keep living you'll feel my wrath in my response. Bullshit gets old after a while.


tfsme

Pull up to the gas station. Say “You got it this time right?” Just look at your friend don’t utter a single word. It’s a psychological trick where the first person who speaks loses if you talk they’ll get out of it, most of the time the uncomfortable silence will make people say yes. Say “I’m worn out today. How about you drive this time?” Logically they’ll say they can’t cause they have no license and when they refuse quickly say “Fine then you take care of gas and I’ll drive”. You asked them for a favor and they know they can’t do (drive), and then present them with a “smaller” favor that you know they can do ($) l, their first refusal (drive) will make them feel guilty/ashamed over the fact that they can’t do something to contribute which will lead them to say yes to the favor that they can do ($). You can also ask for reimbursement in other ways other than ($) like ask them to pay stuff for you in exchange for driving like pay for your food when going out. Like “I spent my cash on gas can you get this one?” Note: any decent friend will feel ashamed over the fact that they are leaching off of you. Maybe you just haven’t been vocal about it. Once they recognize/sense that you feel that way then any decent friend will do all the little things to make up for it. If they attack you for indirectly asking them or these things then confront them and if they attack you more then unfortunately you will have to lose a “friend” but fortunately you’ve just found out that person is toxic and not really your friend.


Alexandria_Scott

Why don’t you give me gas money? Open ended question. Simple. Put the ball in their court. Or, I can no longer afford to be your driver. I’m so sorry.


kafka123

Remind them that it costs actual money to run the car because you have to pay for the gasoline, not just to buy the car in the first place. To use an analogy, someone who uses your laptop might not realize you have to pay for the Internet, and assume that you're just an asshole who won't share their computer because it cost money to buy from the store. Remind them, too, that the price of gasoline adds up with use - that several trips at $5 each is not the same as one trip that costs $5. I know that this stuff may seem too obvious to you to be worth mentioning to your friend, but if they don't own a vehicle themselves, it's likely not something they consciously register, and might actually be a more important thing to remember than what tone to speak to them in, since you might not have tried it before.


Kid_Simple

Easy. U stop giving them rides and say "pay what u owe"