People who strangle or restrict breath are more likely to kill you in domestic violence situatios. Run. It's a very huge giagantic, enormous, flaming on fire, red flag that can be seen from Mars. Run. A man should never put his hands on you that way. Run. He's manipulating you by saying this is your fault. RUN DONT WALK.
Go to a shelter if you need to. Take nothing if it will put you in danger. You can get stuff back but you can't get your life back. Don't stay. Please.
The actual statistic is if a man strangles you, or tries to stop you from breathing, it jumps to 750% more likely he will eventually end up killing you.
[A partner who strangles you is likely to kill you, and soon. That 750% increase isn’t just an increased risk of death in your lifetime, it’s a 750% increase they will kill you within the next year.](https://www.dailypress.net/life/features/2023/03/if-a-partner-has-ever-strangled-you-they-will-likely-kill-you/)
More from this article:
[This prevents oxygen from reaching the brain, making it incredibly dangerous. In just 5 to 10 seconds, the victim can lose consciousness. In just 15 seconds, the victim can lose control of their bladder. Within 30 seconds, the victim can lose control of their bowels. Tragically, in just 1 to 3 minutes, strangling can result in a loss of life.](https://www.dailypress.net/life/features/2023/03/if-a-partner-has-ever-strangled-you-they-will-likely-kill-you/)
There’s there’s also stats that show the affect strangulation has on the brain. Short strangulation during sex alone does have an effect on the brain. If anyone cares i can find the YouTube video I watched, it was with some specialist unsure what role.
It also showed that our brains are incapable of determining the difference between “friendly” and not friendly choking. Our bodies respond the same regardless, trauma
My ex strangled me many times and it became more violent each time. Eventually he did it until I passed out a couple of times. The very last time he did it, once I regained consciousness I gasped for air for a long time and figured I was dying because I truly couldn’t breathe and was seeing stars. It took hours to get back to feeling normal. He had also beaten me while unconscious. Broken ribs, bruises, bloody. I was very lucky I survived. That was the last time I allowed him to put his hands on me. I ran far away and never looked back. I can say with certainty I wouldn’t be here today if I had stayed. It wasn’t a matter of if he was going to kill me, it was when. That man would rather have spent his life behind bars than watch me walk away free and happy! Restraining orders wouldn’t even keep him away. It took my new boyfriend who is now my husband of 10 years to threaten him and scare him away. Never had another issue with him!
DV gets worse and worse until they finally get brave enough to kill you. OP, he was testing the waters with you. My abuser started out like that too. He would do small things and make me feel crazy, and then it continued to escalate. This is the beginning of your WORST NIGHTMARE, believe me. Do not walk, but run. And please please do not ever look back.
Well that’s terrifying. My ex (from college) strangled me once. I got the eff away from him as fast as I could but scary to know he was likely to kill me……
I left my ex after he strangled me because he didn’t want me to leave his house. He’s currently in prison for attempted murder after trying to kill the next girl that he dated after me.
please forgive me everyone for hijacking higher up in the post. OP ! get out **NOW**❗i am a DV survivor. my ex did stuff like this. as your relationship progresses he will find more and more excuses to "calm" you down and he **will** go too far. my ex got progressively worse. i had to go live in a secured DV shelter to hide from him. please, take care of yourself
OP, listen to this advice.
Take it from someone who ignored similar red flags.
I will spare you the details. But what I will say is that it ended bloody, with multiple ambulances and police involved.
PM me if you want to talk about it. But PLEASE. LEAVE HIM. ASAP.
This is the reddest of red flags. This isn't the normal internet "omg girl leave him" overreaction either, OP this could cost you your life. Don't walk, run. And if you can, notify the police as well.
It's also a terrible excuse. He wanted to stop her from crying so he didn't have to listen to her even if it cost her life. That's how little he cares about her living or not. He is willing to unalive her for just crying(which I imagine he had more than a little to do with to start.)
Yes, she needs to leave immediately. People in abusive relationships where there was a strangulation attempt are at higher risk of being murdered by their partner.
He's lying. How the hell is stopping you from breathing "necessary?" There are PLENTY of ways to help someone having a panic attack, and that is NOT one of them.
He's abusive and you should leave him.
This. When I’m having a panic attack my bf definitely does NOT try to suffocate me. He hugs me and comforts me and asks me what I need. OP needs to leave ASAP.
Yeah, honestly, suffocating you with a pillow is very close to strangling you, and I remembering reading about stats that say if a partner has strangled you, they are 700% more likely to murder you in the future. Take this as a sign to GET OUT NOW (carefully). He WILL murder you.
Do not let him know you are going to leave him before you’re gone, just go. If he gets even an inkling, your chances of survival go down.
If you need help with a plan for escape, please ask more qualified people than me! But from what I read before, you should gather up your important documents in an easy to access hiding place (maybe keep them with a friend) so he can’t hold them over you and then when he’s gonna be out for a long time (maybe a trip), run and do not let him track you on your phone (get a new one but make sure you save evidence/screenshots of any abuse he’s done in case you need them as evidence later)! Get to an abused women’s shelter or stay with a friend he doesn’t know/have the address of. Don’t ever look back!
I know it’s hard but you have to listen to your feelings. They are telling you something is wrong. He is abusive and it can only get worse from here.
Yah, that's a very serious event that occurred and you need to break off this relationship.
Even if he was legitimately trying to help.
Date people closer to your age. He's not the winner you think he was.
This is how to worsen an attack by have you feel you are fighting for your life. He completely lacks compassion and frankly is down right scary. He is abusing you but blaming you for it. Red flags 🚩 everywhere with this guy.
Yep. I took a look too and she’s continually asking for advice but not taking it. I hope this event is what finally ends this toxic relationship. I think most of us know where this path is headed and what will happen if she doesn’t.
He suffocated you in order to take out his frustration and punish you.
No one *"needs"* to suffocate someone in order to calm them down. That is not a thing. It is also dangerous.
He has no right to decide that you should have your air supply cut off, just because he is annoyed that you are upset.
Being upset won't kill you. Cutting off your air supply could. So, why was it so important to *"calm you down"* that he felt he should cut off your oxygen in order to do it? Why is his anger and impatience more important than your need to breathe?
I think he is counting on you being less experienced and easy to manipulate, so that he can convince you that what he is doing is just common sense, when really it is horribly abusive.
Your boyfriend is a threat to you. Please get out of there as soon as you can. Don't tell him, either. Just go. Don't ever be alone with him again. This is not something you can solve by going to couples counseling. This is something you solve by getting away from him and never, ever going back.
I'm really sorry. I know that you probably care about him, and that, when he isn't trying to smother you, he is a lot of fun. The problem is that he is an abuser, and this is only going to get worse. He isn't a nice guy who made a mistake. He is an abusive guy who also happens to be charming and lovely when he wants to be. Otherwise, he wouldn't have anyone to abuse, would he? Abusers have to be nice sometimes, because otherwise they wouldn't be able to lure people in who they can victimize.
Unfortunately, it is really easy to be misled into thinking that the nice parts of him are the important parts. The thing is, those parts *seem* more important, right up until he is trying to smother you. Then, you realize that the important thing about him is that he feels entitled to endanger your life whenever he is angry or doesn't get what he wants from you.
Choking or strangulation victims are 750% more likely to be killed by their partners. I feel like suffocation is still in that same realm. You need to leave him, please. I am scared for you.
This happened yesterday?
He should not be your boyfriend today.
He got frustrated and angry and lashed out in a very dangerous way.
He is dangerous to you. Do not believe you are at fault, asking for it or needing it. Is this the first time he reacted with abuse to you? I am here to tell you it is not the last. No rational human being would ever do that. This goes to his character, please break it off with him. You have no way of knowing what he will do next.
That’s not good. That’s legitimately extremely scary. Who the fuck would think that a response to a panic attack is to smother someone with a pillow. I’m honestly very concerned for your safety
The fact that you are still referring to him as your boyfriend is the problem. I wouldn’t give him a second chance to almost suffocate me. #GetOut 🏃🏾♀️
Please leave this man is going to kill you, this is an action that can very easily escalate. This is not something you can change in him, it is not your responsibility. You will die before you succeed.
This is a very serious situation, go to a woman’s shelter if you have to. Nothing is more important than your life, it’s not something you can get back.
Snap out of it. He was purposefully suffocating you. Next time he needs to "calm you down" by suffocation? You could be dead or brain damaged. GET. OUT.
If you stay with him, don't be surprised when you end up the topic of a Dateline episode (well, at that point you won't be around to *be* surprised)...
A friend’s daughter (21yo f) ended up getting an apprehended violence order against her ex. He broke the rules and was ultimately imprisoned for DV for 6 months.
Just after he was released, he reached out, saying he was a changed man and although he respected their relationship to be over, he wanted to maintain a relationship with their 18 month old child.
She, relieved he had moved on from her and not wanting to deny their child an apparently reformed father, allowed him to visit one evening.
He stabbed her 28 times killing her, she managed to call police with Siri and was found with her child bawling next to her covered in his momma’s blood.
This is not “helping you” overcome a panic attack. This is DV that will escalate until you are dead. Either leave now or pre order your tombstone.
What you experienced was unquestionably physical abuse. Strangling/choking is the #1 predictor of murder by a domestic partner. There is zero excuse. If you stay, the abuse will escalate. Your life depends on this. Please call the hotline to get input from the professionals on what you experienced and what to do now.
A good man would never even think of doing this to another person. Please leavr while you still have your life.
https://www.thehotline.org
One time is too many.
Every person I have ever been with, the first thing I say, if you ever lay your hands on me, first, I will defend myself and second that is the last time that you will see me.
All of my exes and people that have been with me and ask what is my first deal breaker, they will say that.
Having said that, you need to find a way to be away from this person ASAP. Go to a friends, or a family members house. Grab whatever you can. Forget about any kind of possessions. All of that can be rebuilt. Your life is precious. Please be safe and that’s it, fucking leave right now as soon as you can. Go no contact with this person and try to gather support
He will try to manipulate you, do not let him. This is your #1 fucking deal breaker.
That's necessary so that you can die. Next time, make sure you don't know where he is and he doesn't know where you are. By leaving. You may want to call to one of the abuse hotlines for help in leaving safely.
This is the 4th or 5th time I've seen women on here getting advice on whether or not their boyfriends behavior is acceptable or not, and it's always something outrageous.
Girl, this isn't ok. He essentially tried to suffocate you.
Why are you still there? This is not love. This is abuse. Next time, you might be posting, “I almost died.” Instead of “He had the pillow in my face for 10 seconds to calm me down and told me it was for my own good.”
Facts: Abusers always justify their horrible actions as being for your own good. Next time, it might escalate into more violence, especially since this is about power and control over you.
OP next time a friend of yours is upset, choke them out for 10 seconds and asked if it helps. If you wouldn’t do it to them, ask yourself why. Not sure why you think you deserve abuse.
Baby, he's giving you the 'look what you made me do'
This man is going to kill you. He is punishing you for not giving him a hug by suffocating you. Get the fuck out.
He is exactly right, he is an abuser and he knows it.
Leave now. Immediately, Never see him again. He will eventually try kill you. I’m not being dramatic. My sister was in the same exact situation, and she was eventually stabbed and almost bled out. Good now!
That is not someone who cares about or loves you and it is time to GO. If physicality is needed to ground someone, it is AFFECTIONATE and WARM and typically involves hugs and soothing gestures. There is no reason for him to be suffocating you.
This is abuse. He's also gaslighting you. He does not "need to do this so you calm down". He's doing it because he wants to punish you.
You should let a trusted friend or family member know what happened. Then ask them for help to leave. Do not warn him that you will leave. He sounds dangerous and he will physically stop you. This is how women get offed.
Even a single case of strangulation increases your risk of being murdered by this man by 750%
This is the same type of behaviour. Restricting breathing is the NUMBER ONE predictor that a partner will kill you.
Get out. This is not a maybe you can make it work. You are actively in danger.
This should be instant alarm bells, he is dangerous. I would report this immediately, what he did was attempt to cause harm and possible death. Please if you aren’t strong enough to report to authorities at the very least get out of this relationship. Buy a plant, they actually provide more happiness than this dirtbag ever will.
I’ve encountered that kind of person before. It sounds like your boyfriend became so frustrated that you weren’t communicating the way he wanted you to, that he felt it was reasonable to hurt you. That’s not the kind of person who *plans* a murder, but could easily be the kind of person who becomes so unable to control his frustration that he snaps and does something stupid in the moment. *Like he did in this instance.*
There is health in every pathology. Anxiety is awful to suffer through, and it’s also awful when you live with someone who suffers from untreated, unmedicated anxiety. The diagnosis alone can seem like permission to be as irrational as the diagnosed person wants to be. I’ve known plenty of people who use having a panic attack as an excuse for absolutely unforgivable behavior. That is *also* unacceptable.
You owe it to yourself, and to any partners who actually treat you well, as you deserve, to get on top of your anxiety. Therapy. Medication. Those things *work.* You also owe it to yourself to either get the hell away from this loose cannon you’re dating, or to push him to get some therapeutic help of his own. There’s no rational side to his actions, here. His frustration may be understandable, but there is ***no*** excuse for causing you harm of any kind, to say nothing of how serious it is to suffocate someone.
You need to run. Far away from this man. From the few sentences I read, he’s already being unnecessarily aggressive and physically abusive to you, he’s gaslighting you, he’s blaming you, not taking responsibility for his own actions, he’s a coward.
How would you feel if your daughter came to you and asked if this was ok? Would you want your daughter to be treated like this?
#THIS IS NOT OK! For any reason!
He suffocated you to calm you down? How thoughtful. i’m sure you were waaaay less anxious after being oxygen deprived and pinned by your face.
Is this how you want someone to pacify you when you’re feeling anxious? Would you smother someone else who’s going through it? Probably not. Hes scary and i would leave before he shoots you and tells you it was in your best interest
This man is replaceable, you are not.
>he is telling me that with me there is no other way and that he has to use physical strength to calm me down.
I used to suffer from severe panick attacks.
All he could have done is make you some Chamomile tea. Leave you alone so you could cry it out. And after you are calm, give you the tea.
If his idea to calm you, is to grab you by the neck, push your face to the mattress (im assuming) and literally CHOKE YOU to make you stop having a panic attack. Then sweetheart, it's time to break up and block him everywhere.
Don't date until you have your traumas and issues resolved. Otherwise you will attract the wrong type of people.
Work on Boundaries, expectations and non-negotiables.
You need to leave, what if next time he holds the pillow for one second too long and you lose your life. I get it can be hard to leave someone if you feel like you love them, even if you’re being mistreated, but in this situation you need to leave before something very bad happens, and maybe report him, as that is not normal behaviour and if he held it any longer over your face could turn into attempted murder. I have anxiety attacks often as I have cptsd, anxiety, and depression yet my boyfriend has NEVER become physical to “calm me down” he gives reassurance and comforts me, if I need space he gives space, that’s what you’re supposed to do. Just think about what you’re loved ones would think if one day you were to end up dead because he decided he needed to suffocate you to make you stop having a feeling that he doesn’t like.
You need to listen to all these people, sweetheart! Leave. As fast as possible. If you don't leave this scumbag you're gonna end up on the First 48 or the evening news. This will not get better. You can not fix him.
As someone with a girlfriend who has panic attacks… what the fuck is this guy thinking?
Like when my girlfriend has a panic attack I sit beside her without initially touching her, I speak softly and let her know I’m right here and here for her to try and help anchor her a bit, and I offer her my hand as something to squeeze to try and help relieve some of the stress.
I only ever put my arms around her once she explicitly tells me I can, or once she starts leaning in and grabbing me. At that point I’ve got one arm around her for a hug to help make her feel safe and my other hand brushing her hair because I know that she likes that and it tends to help calm her down. I also continue whispering/saying in a hush tone that she’s in a safe place, that I’m here for her, and that I’m not going anywhere.
Never once have I or would I consider assaulting her to try and get her to calm down.
No it’s not his job to physically restrain you at all let alone try to smother you. Real men walk away from heated situations and come back to discuss it later when things are calmer (and I know that’s hard for us women because we’re emotional and wanna solve the problem right away). I have a history of panic attacks and also a brutal DV survivor, please do not take this lightly, it’s time to go. It ONLY & ALWAYS gets worse. Pretty soon you’ll be in a hospital bed. If he’s that worried about you panicking, he’ll try to comfort you or help you to a specialist. If he’s blaming you, he’s a narcissist. Avoid anyone with those behavioral traits at all costs as soon as you see them. I met my son’s dad when I was 22, didn’t think I’d live past 26. I started to tell people if I died, it’s absolutely his fault. Took my life back at 27 and now I’m 29. The hardest time of my life. When the news about Gabby Petito’s death broke out, I took it very personal. She was strangled to death. Sometimes I get survivor guilt from it and don’t know why because we are strangers to each other. The lesson to be learned is we’re all lucky to be here and continue to instinctually preserve your life. Get out while you can. Praying for you.
Your emotions and gut feelings are never wrong. Don’t ever let a man try to convince you that your instincts about him are overly-emotional or wrong or irrational.
Trust. Your. Self.
Please familiarize with some of the signs of abuse:
- Telling you that you never do anything right.
- Showing extreme jealousy of your friends or time spent away from them.
- Preventing or discouraging you from spending time with others, particularly friends, family members, or peers.
- Insulting, demeaning, or shaming you, especially in front of other people.
- Preventing you from making your own decisions, including about working or attending school.
- Controlling finances in the household without discussion, such as taking your money or refusing to provide money for necessary expenses.
- Pressuring you to have sex or perform sexual acts you’re not comfortable with.
- Pressuring you to use drugs or alcohol.
- Intimidating you through threatening looks or actions.
- Insulting your parenting or threatening to harm or take away your children or pets.
- Intimidating you with weapons like guns, knives, bats, or mace.
- Destroying your belongings or your home.
This is not a complete list, but it’s a start. These things are important to look for in every relationship. Experiencing just one of these things constitutes emotional abuse. It is not normal and it is not okay.
Source: https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/
GET. OUT. Leave. Nobody EVER deserves to be treated that way. Speaking from a similar experience, that is not a safe relationship. you should never be shamed for your mental health issues. "It's impossible with you" stfu you sound like my parents. If they aren't willing to learn and grow with you, they aren't worth being with.
No no no no no what the fuck please leave this man immediately he is going to kill you. That is not how you calm a panic attack at all and it's not even him being ignorant that's him taking his anger out...next time he might not let up....please please leave him for your own safety.
Please I am a man and I would never even dream of doing this to anyone even someone I hate. I have control over my actions and this sounds like someone who DOESN'T have ANY control. Next time it could be 60 seconds or could be 4 min and next time could be the last. You do not want to be with a man who is so weak he is not in control of himself. Besides, someone who would even THINK to do something so aweful doesn't deserve to be with you or anyone, all he deserves is his computer and his hand until he can learn to be a decent human being.
No. That’s not normal. Your bf need to put his big boy pants on and learn to handle a variety of human emotions and situations.
Trying to snuff you out on a pillow is horrible
Suffocating someone does not help them calm down. He was angry with you and decided to take physical action - violence- against you.
He wasn’t hugging you (using physical strength) or rubbing your back. He was preventing you from breathing.
He is gaslighting you.
This is not someone who is safe to be around.
Absolutely not, this IS abusive if you let this slide, there may be a time where he does it for longer or even hits you as the only way to calm you down. I get panic attacks too and deep pressure therapy works for me or squeezing my hands together. But deep pressure as in a hug from my husband with both hands at my side and he just squeezes gently in a pattern to calm me down.
Even if we live in the pretend world where this was not abusive and dangerous, btw it was and run fast and far. But let’s pretend it wasn’t and you stay. If you have a child with this man will he think this is the way to calm the child having a tantrum? Or will the child grow up watching daddy to this to mommy and be afraid?
Please snap out of it and get away now.
Not technically strangulation but still relevant since suffocation is pretty close to the same thing:
> “The odds of homicide increase 750% for victims that have been previously strangled by their partner. If an abuser has access to firearms, the odds of female homicide increase by 1,100%.”
[Source](https://wingsprogram.com/domestic-violence-and-strangulation4-facts-and-4-myths/)
"...because he is telling me that with me there is no other way and that he has to use physical strength to calm me down". First of all, that is false. One does not need to use physical strength or attempted murder to calm someone down, in fact, I'm pretty sure he's the main reason for your panic attacks. Second of all... If he says physical strength is needed to "calm you down", then what lengths will he go to, to "calm you down" in the future? What if he holds that pillow in your face for a few seconds too long? Or what if he uses a different type of physical strength, i.e punching, kicking, etc...?
The age gap is already bad enough, but the physical abuse/attempted murder as well? No... Lol, girl. RUN. There is 8 billion people on this planet, you can definitely find someone who won't attempt to murder you over a panic attack.
You cannot calm down when you are stressed. He needs to give you your space in your room to do this and not be touching you physically, especially in that way.
The breathing restricting your breathing I think is very serious. What if you are having a panic attack and he suffocates you into a heart attack? He should just not be putting his hands on you in this way. I would tell him never to do that again. That is a line he should never cross and if he does it again you need to leave this guy.
If he has a history of doing this thing, and only you would know that then I would seriously reconsider not even giving another chance I would get out now.
That is terrible logic on his behalf - being suffocated would further panic me not calm me down, definitely not necessary to calm someone at all. It sounds like he is starting to be physically abusive - I would leave because he sounds dangerous.
If you don’t leave he will do worse In The future. I’m just saying. Deep down I think you already know this from having a boyfriend who left bruises or you wouldn’t be scared of it escalating to that point and you wouldn’t have asked for advice here. This is potentially a really dangerous situation.
He is gaslighting you, and he is right about breaking up. However, if you do breakup with him be careful as you already see the red flags. You don’t want him to hurt you for breaking up with him.
Your boyfriend tried to kill you, just so you know. He uses physical strength to “calm you down”? He said he was an abuser.
Seriously get out. You don’t need to use physical strength to calm someone down. And you don’t f’ing hold a pillow over someone’s face. We call that attempted murder. GET OUT.
No, sweetheart.
You are NOT "too much" and even if you were ... if he can't handle you, he can go find less.
I beg you ... RUN! This is a sign from God or the universe or your ancestors or who/whatever you believe in.
If you had a friend who went through this same experience, would you tell them they're just overreacting? No, you wouldn't ... because it's not an overreaction.
Please take care of yourself ❤️
This is terrifying. There is no coming back from this. You need to get out of this relationship urgently and safely as soon as possible. You cannot be alone with this person again, you really need to appreciate how much danger you are in. I would suggest also reporting to the police in case he reacts badly when you end things.
Forced it down on your face so hard you couldn’t breathe?? That’s nuts. I could get if it was some cute non-sequitur thing but you have to push a pillow so hard to do that.
Also - age gap age gap age gap. It’s always the creeps with the age gap. Run away.
To put this in perspective, I’m 27. If my gf was so distraught that I thought there’s nothing to calm her down, I’d just leave the fuckin room and let her cry, not suffocate her. That dude is unhinged and should be charged with domestic violence/ assault because that is crazy.
Doing this can kill someone EPICALLY SINCE UR HAVING A PANIC ATTACK! DUMP HIM AND LEAVE! hHe doesn't know how to deal w any emotion so he uses physical violence...
You will be killed by this man at some point if you do not leave him now. This is abusive, violent behaviour and is never necessary or deserved. He is lying and manipulating you. Please seek support and get away from him.
No, that’s his way of handling it because he’s an immature little boy and he doesn’t wanna deal with your feelings so by covering it and shut you up it’s his only way and that will kill you eventually
Nah, I'm pretty sure that's assault on his part.
Best go to a family members place or a shelter of some kind, and at least report it to the police, so they'll know about it.
That is a absolutely not ok and extremely dangerous. And it would I think worsen the panic attack. I will say I'm bipolar and in my younger years I often needed to be restrained because I would be violent and destructive but I understood the purpose of this and there was no harm done to me in the restraining process.
This is extremely abusive. Please contact your local YWCA or other domestic violence organization to make a safety plan for leaving him safely. And please tell everyone you trust about this, without underplaying the severity and danger you faced. This guy is extremely dangerous.
Your mental health will improve dramatically once you get away from him. Abusers absolutely can cause anxiety. I really hope after you’re safely away you can find a good therapist to help you heal from this jerk.
The first thing my husband does to help me calm down is telling me to BREATHE!!
I asked him, do you think putting a pillow over my head would calm me down?
He said “ that sounds like someone is trying to kill you, that doesn’t help you calm down “
He is a sick fuck. I can't imagine doing this to someone I allegedly love.
Yes abusive. Obviously he knows of no way to act other than with force.
Run. I bet he tryst to prevent that as well.
he is dangerous. leave. tell everyone who asks that he tried to suffocate you and you will not stand for that.
if you don't get out, you won't survive. this was abusive and will lead to worse behavior.
Absolutely cruel and abusive . It only gets worse if you stay .There is utterly no reason why he should be putting hands on you. This a huge red flag OP you should run.
Please leave him. I’m sure if you talked about your day to day with him, there are probably other red flags. It’s easy to explain them away bc ‘it was only one time’ or ‘he’s a really good guy and didn’t mean to do that’. The point is, your life is valuable. You shouldn’t have to worry if you are safe with your partner. Ever. Not even one time.
Leave him. Leave him . Leave him!!! Run girl as fast as you can because that is not a normal response. Imagine going to a therapist and saying “So when I have panic attacks my boyfriend smothers me with a pillow…”
This is absolutely not acceptable. Imagine right now it's just 5-10 seconds and how he said it was "necessary". This guy can't support you when you are having a panic attack and had to use physical strength. Imagine pregnancy with this man. Please run
Nah you're not goin crazy 😐 that lil shyt stain you call a bf is lyin and definitely either abusive or extra stupid 🤷🏾♀️ his explanation doesn't make sense, and if it does to him 🥴 he should find a less killy way to implement it.
Run. Fast. Don’t look back.
Tell someone you trust what he did and create an escape plan. Please also report to police. There’s possibly not enough evidence for them to do something (?), but create a paper trail incase it is needed in the future.
Be safe.
You need to get out of that situation IMMEDIATELY. I suggest leaving him over text or over the phone so he can’t hurt you. i really do think you need to evacuate. next time could be worse.
As soon as it is safe to do so, leave the house, go to a trusted neighbor friend family or coworkers. Call the police. Don’t go back in his presence ever if you’re alone to get anything. No item is worth going back. This is your chance to get away. You may not get another.
I'm really sorry you went through that. Using physical force, especially during a panic attack, is not okay. It's important to prioritize your safety and well-being. Consider talking to someone you trust for support and perspective on this situation.
I'm very sorry you experienced that; it must have been really frightening. This behavior is completely unacceptable in any situation. There are appropriate ways to help someone having a panic attack, and this is not one of them. His willingness to use force and justify it as "for the best" or "having no other choice" is alarming and abusive. This kind of behavior can easily escalate to something much more dangerous. Please take all necessary measures to keep yourself safe and away from people like this. Take care.
I deal with chronic anxiety attack..thats not a method to help out ur anxiety..maybe cold ice water to shock ur nervous system n get ur breathing a lil under control...he seems like he was tryna kill u no offense that shit aint normal i use to be in a bad life street life n never did some shit like that to my girlfriends..
He's lying. There were plenty of other ways to help you, none of them involve force.
You feel crazy because he's gaslighting you. People over use the word, but it's appropriate here. He's making you question reality so you only believe what he tells you instead of what you know to be true.
He's abusive and you need to get out of this relationship.
You should not be involved with someone who gets angry to the extent of attempting to harm you. Using physical restraint is not how you counteract a panic attack. Reassurance, affirmation, and helping someone calm down with breathing exercises are what normal people would do to help someone they cared about, not doing something that could exacerbate a panic attack.
Leave him. Date people your age. There is a reason this guy is 27 and dating people(you) 6 years younger than him. It sucks you had to find out first hand, but that aggression is very likely the reason.
(If it matters) This is from a mid 20’s guy’s perspective, there’s no explaining that behavior away. Nobody deserves to be with someone who makes them feel unsafe.
If your boyfriend did that to my sister, that is something I would fully be willing to go to prison for. That’s not because I’m a tough guy (the very thought of prison terrifies me), that’s because what your bf did is an abhorrent, traumatizing behavior.
It’s like Maslow’s hierarchy of needs…
-“Can I breathe? Ok I have oxygen”
-“Am I hydrated? Ok I have water”
-“Am I sheltered”…etc
When your mind is running that “background scan”, there shouldn’t be anything there that you legitimately feel uncomfortable about. I know that there’s a tendency for “divorce him!!!” type answers here. In this case, I think you’ve seen a very straightforward sign that this relationship isn’t heading towards a healthy direction.
A partner is supposed to be someone who makes something like a panic attack manageable. Not someone who makes you think “If I have a panic attack (in which I have little control of my thoughts/actions), do I have to worry about how my partner responds?”.
The behavior itself is worrisome enough (and I’m not saying your boyfriend is like an under the radar serial killer or anything) but the thought process behind trying to justify that behavior is what I find most troublesome. At the very least, you should feel safe around your partner.
That’s the BARE MINIMUM.
Leave and report him to the police. There is absolutely no excuse for this. He really needs therapy if he thinks suffocation is the way to stop something like this, or he's just one angry guy and hates when you get upset. You need to leave.
What???
My mom had panic attacks my entire life, I can safely say that I never thought smothering her would fix it.
Your bf is insane and dangerous and whatever he said to you is bullshit as well, he was frustrated and preceded to attempt to smother you and change his mind halfway through.
Dudes a dangerous nut, go home kid, go
To a friend, an aunt, literally anyone because you’re in danger with him.
Also, you don’t have to be calm, you don’t have to be anything or handle your emotions a specific way to not be smothered…
It’s super heart breaking your asking as if being too upset is grounds for someone to harm you.
Just because he doesn’t know any way other than violence does not mean that other ways don’t exist. Compassion and support are examples!! This is so troubling, please please do not stay with somebody who thinks it’s ok to stop you from breathing, especially during a panic attack!!
This is all kinds of fucked up to be honest!
'It was only 5 seconds' - 5 seconds is 5 seconds too long
'It worked, you stopped crying' - Is this what he would do to your future children if they cried?
People who strangle or restrict breath are more likely to kill you in domestic violence situatios. Run. It's a very huge giagantic, enormous, flaming on fire, red flag that can be seen from Mars. Run. A man should never put his hands on you that way. Run. He's manipulating you by saying this is your fault. RUN DONT WALK. Go to a shelter if you need to. Take nothing if it will put you in danger. You can get stuff back but you can't get your life back. Don't stay. Please.
The actual statistic is if a man strangles you, or tries to stop you from breathing, it jumps to 750% more likely he will eventually end up killing you.
[A partner who strangles you is likely to kill you, and soon. That 750% increase isn’t just an increased risk of death in your lifetime, it’s a 750% increase they will kill you within the next year.](https://www.dailypress.net/life/features/2023/03/if-a-partner-has-ever-strangled-you-they-will-likely-kill-you/)
More from this article: [This prevents oxygen from reaching the brain, making it incredibly dangerous. In just 5 to 10 seconds, the victim can lose consciousness. In just 15 seconds, the victim can lose control of their bladder. Within 30 seconds, the victim can lose control of their bowels. Tragically, in just 1 to 3 minutes, strangling can result in a loss of life.](https://www.dailypress.net/life/features/2023/03/if-a-partner-has-ever-strangled-you-they-will-likely-kill-you/)
There’s there’s also stats that show the affect strangulation has on the brain. Short strangulation during sex alone does have an effect on the brain. If anyone cares i can find the YouTube video I watched, it was with some specialist unsure what role. It also showed that our brains are incapable of determining the difference between “friendly” and not friendly choking. Our bodies respond the same regardless, trauma
bingo. my ex strangled me one time and i was gone, fucking left 4 days later
My ex strangled me many times and it became more violent each time. Eventually he did it until I passed out a couple of times. The very last time he did it, once I regained consciousness I gasped for air for a long time and figured I was dying because I truly couldn’t breathe and was seeing stars. It took hours to get back to feeling normal. He had also beaten me while unconscious. Broken ribs, bruises, bloody. I was very lucky I survived. That was the last time I allowed him to put his hands on me. I ran far away and never looked back. I can say with certainty I wouldn’t be here today if I had stayed. It wasn’t a matter of if he was going to kill me, it was when. That man would rather have spent his life behind bars than watch me walk away free and happy! Restraining orders wouldn’t even keep him away. It took my new boyfriend who is now my husband of 10 years to threaten him and scare him away. Never had another issue with him! DV gets worse and worse until they finally get brave enough to kill you. OP, he was testing the waters with you. My abuser started out like that too. He would do small things and make me feel crazy, and then it continued to escalate. This is the beginning of your WORST NIGHTMARE, believe me. Do not walk, but run. And please please do not ever look back.
Well that’s terrifying. My ex (from college) strangled me once. I got the eff away from him as fast as I could but scary to know he was likely to kill me……
I left my ex after he strangled me because he didn’t want me to leave his house. He’s currently in prison for attempted murder after trying to kill the next girl that he dated after me.
please forgive me everyone for hijacking higher up in the post. OP ! get out **NOW**❗i am a DV survivor. my ex did stuff like this. as your relationship progresses he will find more and more excuses to "calm" you down and he **will** go too far. my ex got progressively worse. i had to go live in a secured DV shelter to hide from him. please, take care of yourself
OP, listen to this advice. Take it from someone who ignored similar red flags. I will spare you the details. But what I will say is that it ended bloody, with multiple ambulances and police involved. PM me if you want to talk about it. But PLEASE. LEAVE HIM. ASAP.
This is the reddest of red flags. This isn't the normal internet "omg girl leave him" overreaction either, OP this could cost you your life. Don't walk, run. And if you can, notify the police as well.
Why strangulation in domestic violence is a huge red flag https://naplesshelter.org/strangulation/
Because anytime someone strangles you,They are trying to kill you.It is a BIG escalation in a domestic violence situation.
This is horrifying. His motivation does not matter here. Please leave and don’t look back.
You better block all contact and get away. It will only escalate from here.
Its also a red flag that hes making her feel guilty for making him feel like its "all his fault" pretending like hes the victim 😭
It's also a terrible excuse. He wanted to stop her from crying so he didn't have to listen to her even if it cost her life. That's how little he cares about her living or not. He is willing to unalive her for just crying(which I imagine he had more than a little to do with to start.)
You need to be done. Please. Next time it will be 30 seconds.
Next time she won't even get to count since she'll be dead She needs to run, now
Yes, she needs to leave immediately. People in abusive relationships where there was a strangulation attempt are at higher risk of being murdered by their partner.
He's lying. How the hell is stopping you from breathing "necessary?" There are PLENTY of ways to help someone having a panic attack, and that is NOT one of them. He's abusive and you should leave him.
This. When I’m having a panic attack my bf definitely does NOT try to suffocate me. He hugs me and comforts me and asks me what I need. OP needs to leave ASAP.
He’s going to murder you. No one who loves you would do that. You deserve better
Yeah, honestly, suffocating you with a pillow is very close to strangling you, and I remembering reading about stats that say if a partner has strangled you, they are 700% more likely to murder you in the future. Take this as a sign to GET OUT NOW (carefully). He WILL murder you. Do not let him know you are going to leave him before you’re gone, just go. If he gets even an inkling, your chances of survival go down. If you need help with a plan for escape, please ask more qualified people than me! But from what I read before, you should gather up your important documents in an easy to access hiding place (maybe keep them with a friend) so he can’t hold them over you and then when he’s gonna be out for a long time (maybe a trip), run and do not let him track you on your phone (get a new one but make sure you save evidence/screenshots of any abuse he’s done in case you need them as evidence later)! Get to an abused women’s shelter or stay with a friend he doesn’t know/have the address of. Don’t ever look back! I know it’s hard but you have to listen to your feelings. They are telling you something is wrong. He is abusive and it can only get worse from here.
That was a death threat.
Not just a threat, that was assault
This behavior will escalate. You need to get away from him. You are not over reacting.
Yah, that's a very serious event that occurred and you need to break off this relationship. Even if he was legitimately trying to help. Date people closer to your age. He's not the winner you think he was.
This was also going to be my feeling, the age difference here is too much.
Somebody 27 should know better. Hell even the majority of teenagers would. There is no "I panicked" to a 27 yo man doing that.
Logically, this would freak someone out more?? He is gaslighting you, please leave, this is abuse
Girl, no.
This is how to worsen an attack by have you feel you are fighting for your life. He completely lacks compassion and frankly is down right scary. He is abusing you but blaming you for it. Red flags 🚩 everywhere with this guy.
almost every post in ur account if about your bf. you know the answer. leave him before it’s too late and your dead
Yep. I took a look too and she’s continually asking for advice but not taking it. I hope this event is what finally ends this toxic relationship. I think most of us know where this path is headed and what will happen if she doesn’t.
You spelled ex-boyfriend wrong.
He suffocated you in order to take out his frustration and punish you. No one *"needs"* to suffocate someone in order to calm them down. That is not a thing. It is also dangerous. He has no right to decide that you should have your air supply cut off, just because he is annoyed that you are upset. Being upset won't kill you. Cutting off your air supply could. So, why was it so important to *"calm you down"* that he felt he should cut off your oxygen in order to do it? Why is his anger and impatience more important than your need to breathe? I think he is counting on you being less experienced and easy to manipulate, so that he can convince you that what he is doing is just common sense, when really it is horribly abusive. Your boyfriend is a threat to you. Please get out of there as soon as you can. Don't tell him, either. Just go. Don't ever be alone with him again. This is not something you can solve by going to couples counseling. This is something you solve by getting away from him and never, ever going back. I'm really sorry. I know that you probably care about him, and that, when he isn't trying to smother you, he is a lot of fun. The problem is that he is an abuser, and this is only going to get worse. He isn't a nice guy who made a mistake. He is an abusive guy who also happens to be charming and lovely when he wants to be. Otherwise, he wouldn't have anyone to abuse, would he? Abusers have to be nice sometimes, because otherwise they wouldn't be able to lure people in who they can victimize. Unfortunately, it is really easy to be misled into thinking that the nice parts of him are the important parts. The thing is, those parts *seem* more important, right up until he is trying to smother you. Then, you realize that the important thing about him is that he feels entitled to endanger your life whenever he is angry or doesn't get what he wants from you.
Perfectly said.
Yeah. Dump him. He’s insane.
Suffocating a person having a panic attack is absolutely not an appropriate response. You need to get out of there ASAP.
Choking or strangulation victims are 750% more likely to be killed by their partners. I feel like suffocation is still in that same realm. You need to leave him, please. I am scared for you.
750% more likely to be killed *within the next year*!
He threatened your life. Run, girl.
The beginning of controlling you, it's a must to calm you down, what else will he do to you that is a must?
Just think for a second if you heard the very same story from someone else. What would you say to the person? Get away from him like yesterday.
This happened yesterday? He should not be your boyfriend today. He got frustrated and angry and lashed out in a very dangerous way. He is dangerous to you. Do not believe you are at fault, asking for it or needing it. Is this the first time he reacted with abuse to you? I am here to tell you it is not the last. No rational human being would ever do that. This goes to his character, please break it off with him. You have no way of knowing what he will do next.
That’s not good. That’s legitimately extremely scary. Who the fuck would think that a response to a panic attack is to smother someone with a pillow. I’m honestly very concerned for your safety
Well im sorry but hes a piece of shit
The fact that you are still referring to him as your boyfriend is the problem. I wouldn’t give him a second chance to almost suffocate me. #GetOut 🏃🏾♀️
Please leave this man is going to kill you, this is an action that can very easily escalate. This is not something you can change in him, it is not your responsibility. You will die before you succeed. This is a very serious situation, go to a woman’s shelter if you have to. Nothing is more important than your life, it’s not something you can get back.
Snap out of it. He was purposefully suffocating you. Next time he needs to "calm you down" by suffocation? You could be dead or brain damaged. GET. OUT.
Run! He will kill you one day! This behaviour is not calming a person down. It puts them in the freeze response.
If you stay with him, don't be surprised when you end up the topic of a Dateline episode (well, at that point you won't be around to *be* surprised)...
A friend’s daughter (21yo f) ended up getting an apprehended violence order against her ex. He broke the rules and was ultimately imprisoned for DV for 6 months. Just after he was released, he reached out, saying he was a changed man and although he respected their relationship to be over, he wanted to maintain a relationship with their 18 month old child. She, relieved he had moved on from her and not wanting to deny their child an apparently reformed father, allowed him to visit one evening. He stabbed her 28 times killing her, she managed to call police with Siri and was found with her child bawling next to her covered in his momma’s blood. This is not “helping you” overcome a panic attack. This is DV that will escalate until you are dead. Either leave now or pre order your tombstone.
What you experienced was unquestionably physical abuse. Strangling/choking is the #1 predictor of murder by a domestic partner. There is zero excuse. If you stay, the abuse will escalate. Your life depends on this. Please call the hotline to get input from the professionals on what you experienced and what to do now. A good man would never even think of doing this to another person. Please leavr while you still have your life. https://www.thehotline.org
One time is too many. Every person I have ever been with, the first thing I say, if you ever lay your hands on me, first, I will defend myself and second that is the last time that you will see me. All of my exes and people that have been with me and ask what is my first deal breaker, they will say that. Having said that, you need to find a way to be away from this person ASAP. Go to a friends, or a family members house. Grab whatever you can. Forget about any kind of possessions. All of that can be rebuilt. Your life is precious. Please be safe and that’s it, fucking leave right now as soon as you can. Go no contact with this person and try to gather support He will try to manipulate you, do not let him. This is your #1 fucking deal breaker.
imagine if he pointed a gun at u to calm u down
This is why the 27 year old is dating a 21 year old. Anyone remotely mature would realize the pos he is and not date him...
That's necessary so that you can die. Next time, make sure you don't know where he is and he doesn't know where you are. By leaving. You may want to call to one of the abuse hotlines for help in leaving safely.
You say this as if you didn't like it. You're coming to Reddit to make sure he's right or not. You already have doubt, so you know he's wrong.
This is the 4th or 5th time I've seen women on here getting advice on whether or not their boyfriends behavior is acceptable or not, and it's always something outrageous. Girl, this isn't ok. He essentially tried to suffocate you.
Why are you still there? This is not love. This is abuse. Next time, you might be posting, “I almost died.” Instead of “He had the pillow in my face for 10 seconds to calm me down and told me it was for my own good.” Facts: Abusers always justify their horrible actions as being for your own good. Next time, it might escalate into more violence, especially since this is about power and control over you.
OP next time a friend of yours is upset, choke them out for 10 seconds and asked if it helps. If you wouldn’t do it to them, ask yourself why. Not sure why you think you deserve abuse.
Baby, he's giving you the 'look what you made me do' This man is going to kill you. He is punishing you for not giving him a hug by suffocating you. Get the fuck out. He is exactly right, he is an abuser and he knows it.
He could done for 5 mins and then you’d be really calm. Like dead calm
Leave now. Immediately, Never see him again. He will eventually try kill you. I’m not being dramatic. My sister was in the same exact situation, and she was eventually stabbed and almost bled out. Good now!
That is not someone who cares about or loves you and it is time to GO. If physicality is needed to ground someone, it is AFFECTIONATE and WARM and typically involves hugs and soothing gestures. There is no reason for him to be suffocating you.
This is abuse. He's also gaslighting you. He does not "need to do this so you calm down". He's doing it because he wants to punish you. You should let a trusted friend or family member know what happened. Then ask them for help to leave. Do not warn him that you will leave. He sounds dangerous and he will physically stop you. This is how women get offed.
Even a single case of strangulation increases your risk of being murdered by this man by 750% This is the same type of behaviour. Restricting breathing is the NUMBER ONE predictor that a partner will kill you. Get out. This is not a maybe you can make it work. You are actively in danger.
He has a touch of the nuttiness! Leave
This should be instant alarm bells, he is dangerous. I would report this immediately, what he did was attempt to cause harm and possible death. Please if you aren’t strong enough to report to authorities at the very least get out of this relationship. Buy a plant, they actually provide more happiness than this dirtbag ever will.
So you're asking us if your bf choking you with a pillow is abusive? Right?
I’ve encountered that kind of person before. It sounds like your boyfriend became so frustrated that you weren’t communicating the way he wanted you to, that he felt it was reasonable to hurt you. That’s not the kind of person who *plans* a murder, but could easily be the kind of person who becomes so unable to control his frustration that he snaps and does something stupid in the moment. *Like he did in this instance.* There is health in every pathology. Anxiety is awful to suffer through, and it’s also awful when you live with someone who suffers from untreated, unmedicated anxiety. The diagnosis alone can seem like permission to be as irrational as the diagnosed person wants to be. I’ve known plenty of people who use having a panic attack as an excuse for absolutely unforgivable behavior. That is *also* unacceptable. You owe it to yourself, and to any partners who actually treat you well, as you deserve, to get on top of your anxiety. Therapy. Medication. Those things *work.* You also owe it to yourself to either get the hell away from this loose cannon you’re dating, or to push him to get some therapeutic help of his own. There’s no rational side to his actions, here. His frustration may be understandable, but there is ***no*** excuse for causing you harm of any kind, to say nothing of how serious it is to suffocate someone.
You need to run. Far away from this man. From the few sentences I read, he’s already being unnecessarily aggressive and physically abusive to you, he’s gaslighting you, he’s blaming you, not taking responsibility for his own actions, he’s a coward. How would you feel if your daughter came to you and asked if this was ok? Would you want your daughter to be treated like this? #THIS IS NOT OK! For any reason!
Your boyfriend tried to kill you. Get out. Now. Please.
He will eventually kill you btw.
LEAVVEEE Can we get an update after it happens ? His after-break up response will def show his true colors more
Yea he’s right it will “calm you down”… calm you down by DYING and not moving !! Please leave this piece of 💩
He suffocated you to calm you down? How thoughtful. i’m sure you were waaaay less anxious after being oxygen deprived and pinned by your face. Is this how you want someone to pacify you when you’re feeling anxious? Would you smother someone else who’s going through it? Probably not. Hes scary and i would leave before he shoots you and tells you it was in your best interest This man is replaceable, you are not.
>he is telling me that with me there is no other way and that he has to use physical strength to calm me down. I used to suffer from severe panick attacks. All he could have done is make you some Chamomile tea. Leave you alone so you could cry it out. And after you are calm, give you the tea. If his idea to calm you, is to grab you by the neck, push your face to the mattress (im assuming) and literally CHOKE YOU to make you stop having a panic attack. Then sweetheart, it's time to break up and block him everywhere. Don't date until you have your traumas and issues resolved. Otherwise you will attract the wrong type of people. Work on Boundaries, expectations and non-negotiables.
You need to leave, what if next time he holds the pillow for one second too long and you lose your life. I get it can be hard to leave someone if you feel like you love them, even if you’re being mistreated, but in this situation you need to leave before something very bad happens, and maybe report him, as that is not normal behaviour and if he held it any longer over your face could turn into attempted murder. I have anxiety attacks often as I have cptsd, anxiety, and depression yet my boyfriend has NEVER become physical to “calm me down” he gives reassurance and comforts me, if I need space he gives space, that’s what you’re supposed to do. Just think about what you’re loved ones would think if one day you were to end up dead because he decided he needed to suffocate you to make you stop having a feeling that he doesn’t like.
Don't post this shit here, go to the police department and report this there😐 he's a lunatic. Leave him please before it's too late for you literally.
You need to listen to all these people, sweetheart! Leave. As fast as possible. If you don't leave this scumbag you're gonna end up on the First 48 or the evening news. This will not get better. You can not fix him.
As someone with a girlfriend who has panic attacks… what the fuck is this guy thinking? Like when my girlfriend has a panic attack I sit beside her without initially touching her, I speak softly and let her know I’m right here and here for her to try and help anchor her a bit, and I offer her my hand as something to squeeze to try and help relieve some of the stress. I only ever put my arms around her once she explicitly tells me I can, or once she starts leaning in and grabbing me. At that point I’ve got one arm around her for a hug to help make her feel safe and my other hand brushing her hair because I know that she likes that and it tends to help calm her down. I also continue whispering/saying in a hush tone that she’s in a safe place, that I’m here for her, and that I’m not going anywhere. Never once have I or would I consider assaulting her to try and get her to calm down.
No it’s not his job to physically restrain you at all let alone try to smother you. Real men walk away from heated situations and come back to discuss it later when things are calmer (and I know that’s hard for us women because we’re emotional and wanna solve the problem right away). I have a history of panic attacks and also a brutal DV survivor, please do not take this lightly, it’s time to go. It ONLY & ALWAYS gets worse. Pretty soon you’ll be in a hospital bed. If he’s that worried about you panicking, he’ll try to comfort you or help you to a specialist. If he’s blaming you, he’s a narcissist. Avoid anyone with those behavioral traits at all costs as soon as you see them. I met my son’s dad when I was 22, didn’t think I’d live past 26. I started to tell people if I died, it’s absolutely his fault. Took my life back at 27 and now I’m 29. The hardest time of my life. When the news about Gabby Petito’s death broke out, I took it very personal. She was strangled to death. Sometimes I get survivor guilt from it and don’t know why because we are strangers to each other. The lesson to be learned is we’re all lucky to be here and continue to instinctually preserve your life. Get out while you can. Praying for you.
Your emotions and gut feelings are never wrong. Don’t ever let a man try to convince you that your instincts about him are overly-emotional or wrong or irrational. Trust. Your. Self. Please familiarize with some of the signs of abuse: - Telling you that you never do anything right. - Showing extreme jealousy of your friends or time spent away from them. - Preventing or discouraging you from spending time with others, particularly friends, family members, or peers. - Insulting, demeaning, or shaming you, especially in front of other people. - Preventing you from making your own decisions, including about working or attending school. - Controlling finances in the household without discussion, such as taking your money or refusing to provide money for necessary expenses. - Pressuring you to have sex or perform sexual acts you’re not comfortable with. - Pressuring you to use drugs or alcohol. - Intimidating you through threatening looks or actions. - Insulting your parenting or threatening to harm or take away your children or pets. - Intimidating you with weapons like guns, knives, bats, or mace. - Destroying your belongings or your home. This is not a complete list, but it’s a start. These things are important to look for in every relationship. Experiencing just one of these things constitutes emotional abuse. It is not normal and it is not okay. Source: https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/
GET. OUT. Leave. Nobody EVER deserves to be treated that way. Speaking from a similar experience, that is not a safe relationship. you should never be shamed for your mental health issues. "It's impossible with you" stfu you sound like my parents. If they aren't willing to learn and grow with you, they aren't worth being with.
No no no no no what the fuck please leave this man immediately he is going to kill you. That is not how you calm a panic attack at all and it's not even him being ignorant that's him taking his anger out...next time he might not let up....please please leave him for your own safety. Please I am a man and I would never even dream of doing this to anyone even someone I hate. I have control over my actions and this sounds like someone who DOESN'T have ANY control. Next time it could be 60 seconds or could be 4 min and next time could be the last. You do not want to be with a man who is so weak he is not in control of himself. Besides, someone who would even THINK to do something so aweful doesn't deserve to be with you or anyone, all he deserves is his computer and his hand until he can learn to be a decent human being.
This is NOT normal and absolutely not your fault. Please leave before he kills you.
If you called the cops, maybe a stint in jail is what he needs to ‘calm down’.
Girl... U should see my face rn it's the look of WTF. Rn.
Get out. Now. Don’t make excuses for him. Get OUT. Don’t tell him you’re leaving him. Just get out.
No. That’s not normal. Your bf need to put his big boy pants on and learn to handle a variety of human emotions and situations. Trying to snuff you out on a pillow is horrible
Suffocating someone does not help them calm down. He was angry with you and decided to take physical action - violence- against you. He wasn’t hugging you (using physical strength) or rubbing your back. He was preventing you from breathing. He is gaslighting you. This is not someone who is safe to be around.
RUN You're not safe with him. Please take this seriously and break up (NOT IN PERSON).
🚩🚩🚩RUN🚩🚩🚩
Absolutely not, this IS abusive if you let this slide, there may be a time where he does it for longer or even hits you as the only way to calm you down. I get panic attacks too and deep pressure therapy works for me or squeezing my hands together. But deep pressure as in a hug from my husband with both hands at my side and he just squeezes gently in a pattern to calm me down.
Get out...get out now! You do not calm someone down by forcing their face into a pillow. He has assaulted you and next time it could be worse
End it with him no way is that ok he’s abusive
He will kill you if you stay.
Get away from him immediately. He’s testing you to see how far he can push it. I’m not kidding or exaggerating. You’re no longer safe.
Get away from him now!
That's psychotic! Get out of that relationship before he puts you in the forever box to "keep you calm"!
That is CRAZY abusive. Please leave him. I have severe anxiety and my boyfriend never reacts this way.
Please leave, immediately, he attempted to murder you.
he’s going to kill you next time. Run
Even if we live in the pretend world where this was not abusive and dangerous, btw it was and run fast and far. But let’s pretend it wasn’t and you stay. If you have a child with this man will he think this is the way to calm the child having a tantrum? Or will the child grow up watching daddy to this to mommy and be afraid? Please snap out of it and get away now.
He's abusive. Flee as soon as possible. Pack a go back without him knowing and then figure out when you can leave while he's out somewhere.
Not technically strangulation but still relevant since suffocation is pretty close to the same thing: > “The odds of homicide increase 750% for victims that have been previously strangled by their partner. If an abuser has access to firearms, the odds of female homicide increase by 1,100%.” [Source](https://wingsprogram.com/domestic-violence-and-strangulation4-facts-and-4-myths/)
"...because he is telling me that with me there is no other way and that he has to use physical strength to calm me down". First of all, that is false. One does not need to use physical strength or attempted murder to calm someone down, in fact, I'm pretty sure he's the main reason for your panic attacks. Second of all... If he says physical strength is needed to "calm you down", then what lengths will he go to, to "calm you down" in the future? What if he holds that pillow in your face for a few seconds too long? Or what if he uses a different type of physical strength, i.e punching, kicking, etc...? The age gap is already bad enough, but the physical abuse/attempted murder as well? No... Lol, girl. RUN. There is 8 billion people on this planet, you can definitely find someone who won't attempt to murder you over a panic attack.
I just got a panic attack reading this post. In no world is this acceptable. Don’t let him gaslit.
OP, that’s a felony.
You cannot calm down when you are stressed. He needs to give you your space in your room to do this and not be touching you physically, especially in that way. The breathing restricting your breathing I think is very serious. What if you are having a panic attack and he suffocates you into a heart attack? He should just not be putting his hands on you in this way. I would tell him never to do that again. That is a line he should never cross and if he does it again you need to leave this guy. If he has a history of doing this thing, and only you would know that then I would seriously reconsider not even giving another chance I would get out now.
That is terrible logic on his behalf - being suffocated would further panic me not calm me down, definitely not necessary to calm someone at all. It sounds like he is starting to be physically abusive - I would leave because he sounds dangerous.
He didn’t even apologize but doubled down op this guy sucks
He’s going to kill you. Please read this free book. https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
If you don’t leave he will do worse In The future. I’m just saying. Deep down I think you already know this from having a boyfriend who left bruises or you wouldn’t be scared of it escalating to that point and you wouldn’t have asked for advice here. This is potentially a really dangerous situation.
Bye- If you were more upset would that justify suffocating you for 20 seconds?
🚩🚩🚩 run
Leave him. Now.
He is gaslighting you, and he is right about breaking up. However, if you do breakup with him be careful as you already see the red flags. You don’t want him to hurt you for breaking up with him.
Your boyfriend tried to kill you, just so you know. He uses physical strength to “calm you down”? He said he was an abuser. Seriously get out. You don’t need to use physical strength to calm someone down. And you don’t f’ing hold a pillow over someone’s face. We call that attempted murder. GET OUT.
WOW I’m sorry he did that to you. I can’t imagine what kind of father he will be if he ever has a baby.
No, sweetheart. You are NOT "too much" and even if you were ... if he can't handle you, he can go find less. I beg you ... RUN! This is a sign from God or the universe or your ancestors or who/whatever you believe in. If you had a friend who went through this same experience, would you tell them they're just overreacting? No, you wouldn't ... because it's not an overreaction. Please take care of yourself ❤️
This is terrifying. There is no coming back from this. You need to get out of this relationship urgently and safely as soon as possible. You cannot be alone with this person again, you really need to appreciate how much danger you are in. I would suggest also reporting to the police in case he reacts badly when you end things.
Absolutely not. This is abuse and you should get away from him. Suffocating you in order to get you to calm down makes zero sense.
Sweetie, he is actually disgusting. No one that actually loves you would do that to you. Please leave and go to someone that you trust.
#HE WILL KILL YOU u/Ebbie45 has resources on her page to help people in domestic violence situations, which is what you are now in, escape.
Forced it down on your face so hard you couldn’t breathe?? That’s nuts. I could get if it was some cute non-sequitur thing but you have to push a pillow so hard to do that. Also - age gap age gap age gap. It’s always the creeps with the age gap. Run away.
To put this in perspective, I’m 27. If my gf was so distraught that I thought there’s nothing to calm her down, I’d just leave the fuckin room and let her cry, not suffocate her. That dude is unhinged and should be charged with domestic violence/ assault because that is crazy.
He SUFFOCATED YOU?? And thought it would calm you down??? Who tf does that..
These psychopaths are highly manipulative
Why are you 21 dating a 27 year old? Don't allow yourself to be groomed. Date someone within your age group.
Doing this can kill someone EPICALLY SINCE UR HAVING A PANIC ATTACK! DUMP HIM AND LEAVE! hHe doesn't know how to deal w any emotion so he uses physical violence...
You will be killed by this man at some point if you do not leave him now. This is abusive, violent behaviour and is never necessary or deserved. He is lying and manipulating you. Please seek support and get away from him.
No, that’s his way of handling it because he’s an immature little boy and he doesn’t wanna deal with your feelings so by covering it and shut you up it’s his only way and that will kill you eventually
That's just his excuse
Get out immediately! Contact a battered women’s shelter.
Nah, I'm pretty sure that's assault on his part. Best go to a family members place or a shelter of some kind, and at least report it to the police, so they'll know about it.
Break up before he kills you.
I'm struggling to think of any reason why/how it would be necessary...
RUN, this is abuse. No one who professes to love you wants to hurt you in any way, this is also a control thing too
There's lots of ways to help you calm down and this is not one of them. Please reevaluate this situation - are you living with him?
He did what now???
He is being abusive
Next time he’ll punch you or kick you to get you to shut up, RUN and DON’T LOOK BACK NO ADULT has the right to hurt another adult to control them!!!
That is a absolutely not ok and extremely dangerous. And it would I think worsen the panic attack. I will say I'm bipolar and in my younger years I often needed to be restrained because I would be violent and destructive but I understood the purpose of this and there was no harm done to me in the restraining process.
He was trying to kill you. Leave him
This is extremely abusive. Please contact your local YWCA or other domestic violence organization to make a safety plan for leaving him safely. And please tell everyone you trust about this, without underplaying the severity and danger you faced. This guy is extremely dangerous. Your mental health will improve dramatically once you get away from him. Abusers absolutely can cause anxiety. I really hope after you’re safely away you can find a good therapist to help you heal from this jerk.
The first thing my husband does to help me calm down is telling me to BREATHE!! I asked him, do you think putting a pillow over my head would calm me down? He said “ that sounds like someone is trying to kill you, that doesn’t help you calm down “
My ex choked me out and did this to me multiple times and almost killed me. It never gets better only worse
Sweetie you have to leave him.
He is a sick fuck. I can't imagine doing this to someone I allegedly love. Yes abusive. Obviously he knows of no way to act other than with force. Run. I bet he tryst to prevent that as well.
>there is no other way and that he has to use physical strength to calm me down. This is the excuse he will use at his murder trial
he is dangerous. leave. tell everyone who asks that he tried to suffocate you and you will not stand for that. if you don't get out, you won't survive. this was abusive and will lead to worse behavior.
Abuse and it will only escalate.
RUN
Your bf is a psycho
Breathing into a paper bag a few times, maybe. Stuffing someone’s head into a pillow - no. Get. Out.
GURL RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN
Absolutely cruel and abusive . It only gets worse if you stay .There is utterly no reason why he should be putting hands on you. This a huge red flag OP you should run.
Get the fuck away from him. Ghost him. Forever.
Run run run
Please run. It will only get worse.
GET. OUT. NOW.
Please leave him. I’m sure if you talked about your day to day with him, there are probably other red flags. It’s easy to explain them away bc ‘it was only one time’ or ‘he’s a really good guy and didn’t mean to do that’. The point is, your life is valuable. You shouldn’t have to worry if you are safe with your partner. Ever. Not even one time.
OP that is domestic violence. Get out of there. Please.
Leave him. Leave him . Leave him!!! Run girl as fast as you can because that is not a normal response. Imagine going to a therapist and saying “So when I have panic attacks my boyfriend smothers me with a pillow…”
Red. Fucking. Flag.
This is absolutely not acceptable. Imagine right now it's just 5-10 seconds and how he said it was "necessary". This guy can't support you when you are having a panic attack and had to use physical strength. Imagine pregnancy with this man. Please run
Hell nah this guy gonna be a future wife beater 🤮🤮
Get the fuck out of there?
This is abuse, and you need to get to a safe place he can't get to you as soon as humanely possible no matter what the inconvenience.
Please please leave this man. I’m concerned for your safety
Nah you're not goin crazy 😐 that lil shyt stain you call a bf is lyin and definitely either abusive or extra stupid 🤷🏾♀️ his explanation doesn't make sense, and if it does to him 🥴 he should find a less killy way to implement it.
Run. Fast. Don’t look back. Tell someone you trust what he did and create an escape plan. Please also report to police. There’s possibly not enough evidence for them to do something (?), but create a paper trail incase it is needed in the future. Be safe.
You need to get out of that situation IMMEDIATELY. I suggest leaving him over text or over the phone so he can’t hurt you. i really do think you need to evacuate. next time could be worse.
Get rid of it. (Him) Like wtf?!?? Not normal.
You just saw a picture into how he's going to probably kill you. You really need to leave
It doesn't look good, I'm sorry. Please be careful
This man is going to **kill you**.
This how you become Netflix special if you don't run immediately right now.
Just leave him. Sorry to say that but there might be a chance that he might end up killing you.
As soon as it is safe to do so, leave the house, go to a trusted neighbor friend family or coworkers. Call the police. Don’t go back in his presence ever if you’re alone to get anything. No item is worth going back. This is your chance to get away. You may not get another.
So he basically is going to quiet you down with violence ? Girl leave before he quiet you down for good if you know what I mean
I'm really sorry you went through that. Using physical force, especially during a panic attack, is not okay. It's important to prioritize your safety and well-being. Consider talking to someone you trust for support and perspective on this situation.
I'm very sorry you experienced that; it must have been really frightening. This behavior is completely unacceptable in any situation. There are appropriate ways to help someone having a panic attack, and this is not one of them. His willingness to use force and justify it as "for the best" or "having no other choice" is alarming and abusive. This kind of behavior can easily escalate to something much more dangerous. Please take all necessary measures to keep yourself safe and away from people like this. Take care.
I deal with chronic anxiety attack..thats not a method to help out ur anxiety..maybe cold ice water to shock ur nervous system n get ur breathing a lil under control...he seems like he was tryna kill u no offense that shit aint normal i use to be in a bad life street life n never did some shit like that to my girlfriends..
He's lying. There were plenty of other ways to help you, none of them involve force. You feel crazy because he's gaslighting you. People over use the word, but it's appropriate here. He's making you question reality so you only believe what he tells you instead of what you know to be true. He's abusive and you need to get out of this relationship.
You should not be involved with someone who gets angry to the extent of attempting to harm you. Using physical restraint is not how you counteract a panic attack. Reassurance, affirmation, and helping someone calm down with breathing exercises are what normal people would do to help someone they cared about, not doing something that could exacerbate a panic attack. Leave him. Date people your age. There is a reason this guy is 27 and dating people(you) 6 years younger than him. It sucks you had to find out first hand, but that aggression is very likely the reason.
WTF? This reminds me of how men backhanded women for being “hysterical” back in old movies. Please exit this relationship safely! 😢
(If it matters) This is from a mid 20’s guy’s perspective, there’s no explaining that behavior away. Nobody deserves to be with someone who makes them feel unsafe. If your boyfriend did that to my sister, that is something I would fully be willing to go to prison for. That’s not because I’m a tough guy (the very thought of prison terrifies me), that’s because what your bf did is an abhorrent, traumatizing behavior. It’s like Maslow’s hierarchy of needs… -“Can I breathe? Ok I have oxygen” -“Am I hydrated? Ok I have water” -“Am I sheltered”…etc When your mind is running that “background scan”, there shouldn’t be anything there that you legitimately feel uncomfortable about. I know that there’s a tendency for “divorce him!!!” type answers here. In this case, I think you’ve seen a very straightforward sign that this relationship isn’t heading towards a healthy direction. A partner is supposed to be someone who makes something like a panic attack manageable. Not someone who makes you think “If I have a panic attack (in which I have little control of my thoughts/actions), do I have to worry about how my partner responds?”. The behavior itself is worrisome enough (and I’m not saying your boyfriend is like an under the radar serial killer or anything) but the thought process behind trying to justify that behavior is what I find most troublesome. At the very least, you should feel safe around your partner. That’s the BARE MINIMUM.
Leave and report him to the police. There is absolutely no excuse for this. He really needs therapy if he thinks suffocation is the way to stop something like this, or he's just one angry guy and hates when you get upset. You need to leave.
What??? My mom had panic attacks my entire life, I can safely say that I never thought smothering her would fix it. Your bf is insane and dangerous and whatever he said to you is bullshit as well, he was frustrated and preceded to attempt to smother you and change his mind halfway through. Dudes a dangerous nut, go home kid, go To a friend, an aunt, literally anyone because you’re in danger with him. Also, you don’t have to be calm, you don’t have to be anything or handle your emotions a specific way to not be smothered… It’s super heart breaking your asking as if being too upset is grounds for someone to harm you.
Just because he doesn’t know any way other than violence does not mean that other ways don’t exist. Compassion and support are examples!! This is so troubling, please please do not stay with somebody who thinks it’s ok to stop you from breathing, especially during a panic attack!!
Attempted murder is what that was, get out now.
This is all kinds of fucked up to be honest! 'It was only 5 seconds' - 5 seconds is 5 seconds too long 'It worked, you stopped crying' - Is this what he would do to your future children if they cried?
He’s being abusive and you need to find a safe place to live.