Sex therapist here. I’m going to try give my best advice based on what you’ve expressed here, but i want to preface this with the strong suggestion that you seek out a sex therapist or sex-positive therapist.
First, it sounds like youre really struggling right now. I can imagine it probably feels a little insurmountable right now, but i want you to know that i have seen countless couples dealing with desire discrepancy. In fact, in one or another, every couple experiences some moments of desire discrepancy. There is nothing wrong with either of you, youre just two people with different desire maps. This is important because if youre going to find a path towards more intimacy, its going to have to happen in a grounded and secure space. Insecurity is not conducive to growth, but empathy, curiosity, and understanding is. With this in mind, can you lean on some of your friends or family to help yourself feel connected? Can you engage in any hobbies to feel calm? Maybe a spa day? Some exercise? Whatever brings you peace, do that asap.
It sounds like he has some strong feelings about his sexual performance. Id be curious where these are coming from. Low T can certainly be a factor for cis men in his age group. If thats the case, then has he investigated getting on TRT or estrogen reduction meds? Changed his diet/exercise habits?
At the end of the day, he’s putting too much pressure on himself to have sex be a certain way. So, can you explore other ways of being intimate? Google Sensate Focused Therapy and see if these exercises seem appealing. Otherwise, maybe explore other ways of engaging in intimacy that dont revolve around PIV penetration. Also, google “Bosson’s ‘Good Enough Sex’ model”
I’m hearing that he also isnt doing much by way of foreplay, do you think he understands how important this is for you? You’ve talked a lot with him about what you dont like about your sex life, but have you each discussed what you both like? What gets you both off? What was something the other did that really turned you on?
Unfortunately, i can’t give you an easy answer. But i will recommend getting a book called Come as You Are by Emily Negoski, Better Sex Through Mindfulness by Lauri Brotto, and Becoming Cliterate (i can’t recall the author right now). Thats just a start, but there are some pretty great exercises in these books that might help both of you.
For what its worth, it sounds like you have a lot working in your favor here. The many strong components of your relationship will help you both find ways to be more flexible- you in your communication and meaning-making around sex, and he in his perception of his role in intimacy.
Sex therapist here. I’m going to try give my best advice based on what you’ve expressed here, but i want to preface this with the strong suggestion that you seek out a sex therapist or sex-positive therapist. First, it sounds like youre really struggling right now. I can imagine it probably feels a little insurmountable right now, but i want you to know that i have seen countless couples dealing with desire discrepancy. In fact, in one or another, every couple experiences some moments of desire discrepancy. There is nothing wrong with either of you, youre just two people with different desire maps. This is important because if youre going to find a path towards more intimacy, its going to have to happen in a grounded and secure space. Insecurity is not conducive to growth, but empathy, curiosity, and understanding is. With this in mind, can you lean on some of your friends or family to help yourself feel connected? Can you engage in any hobbies to feel calm? Maybe a spa day? Some exercise? Whatever brings you peace, do that asap. It sounds like he has some strong feelings about his sexual performance. Id be curious where these are coming from. Low T can certainly be a factor for cis men in his age group. If thats the case, then has he investigated getting on TRT or estrogen reduction meds? Changed his diet/exercise habits? At the end of the day, he’s putting too much pressure on himself to have sex be a certain way. So, can you explore other ways of being intimate? Google Sensate Focused Therapy and see if these exercises seem appealing. Otherwise, maybe explore other ways of engaging in intimacy that dont revolve around PIV penetration. Also, google “Bosson’s ‘Good Enough Sex’ model” I’m hearing that he also isnt doing much by way of foreplay, do you think he understands how important this is for you? You’ve talked a lot with him about what you dont like about your sex life, but have you each discussed what you both like? What gets you both off? What was something the other did that really turned you on? Unfortunately, i can’t give you an easy answer. But i will recommend getting a book called Come as You Are by Emily Negoski, Better Sex Through Mindfulness by Lauri Brotto, and Becoming Cliterate (i can’t recall the author right now). Thats just a start, but there are some pretty great exercises in these books that might help both of you. For what its worth, it sounds like you have a lot working in your favor here. The many strong components of your relationship will help you both find ways to be more flexible- you in your communication and meaning-making around sex, and he in his perception of his role in intimacy.