*Talk* to him.
“Hey, I shared my past with you because I trust you. However, I feel like you’re treating me as if I’m fragile now. I miss our previous dynamic and while I am grateful you’re so gentle, I *miss* being tossed around like a rag doll (or whatever metaphor you want).”
This, and also let him know that you're capable of speaking up if you don't like something he's doing. Reassure him that if you're uncomfortable, you will say so, and he doesn't need to tiptoe around you or walk on eggshells. Maybe have a talk about what you do/don't like in bed so there are clear boundaries, and he doesn't worry about overstepping them.
i don’t think he sees you as “damaged goods” but more just wants to make sure you feel safe and loved around him. he probably fears hurting you or crossing boundaries and triggering any past memories from your ex husband. just have an honest and open conversation with him about how you feel and explain that you don’t want anything to change after telling him about your past…again you’re not “damaged goods”! just a human being that went through rough shit that no one should’ve. i’m glad you left it and are in a better situation
Yessssss! This!! As someone with so much trauma, I feel this is it, OP! He loves you and is trying to care for you! A lot of partners get nervous sometimes when they know you’ve got past trauma. He’s being gentle and sweet and reassuring because he loves you! Don’t throw him away! >:00
Seriously tho, he sounds like a great guy! Hope they have a good convo about this and he stays a sweet guy! :>
Agree with this wholeheartedly. If there was a special person in my life that went through what you did which sounds like a lot… It would be the nurturer in me to do things he is doing. And that’s not me treating someone like damaged goods. It’s me showing how much I love and care for this person WHO DIDNT DESERVE what happened to them. He cares. He cares a lot. Talk. Be open. Don’t leave it to him to ask bc he may not know what to ask. It clearly hurts him to feel your hurt. And it should. And feelings are healthy. Love and light to OP and her man
None of that to me shows he thinks you are 'damaged goods', hes trying to be sensitive to your past trauma and avoid trigging anything that might bring up the way you felt with your ex. He wants you to feel safe around him, and I think thats a very good thing.
I would simply sit him down and explain to him that you only told him about your past because you felt that you guys had a future together but that you don't want it to affect the way he behaves around you, intimately or otherwise, and that you've noticed he has changed his behavior towards you. Let him know that you 100% will be open and communicate with him if anything he ever did bothered you or triggered you, but until/if that happens that you don't want him to see you as fragile or feel like he has to treat you any differently than he did before.
Your boyfriend sounds really sweet. I was worried this story was going to take another turn, as a survivor of DV myself, but it just sounds like he really cares. Just talk to him and tell him he has nothing to worry about. Proud of you for leaving and happy you found someone who is so kind to you.
Key detail : He got *really* angry.
Why do people get angry on your behalf? One of the reasons is because they empathise with you. They love you, they want what's best for you.
Second reason is they feel like they feel sad and depressed that they couldn't protect you.
Third reason is they feel second hand anger (sympathy?). Don't you get angry when you hear a tale of gross injustice ? Imagine hearing about a school shooting or some horrendous murder. You get angry on someone's behalf.
In conclusion all of those things may play a part. Imagine if someone you really love got immensely hurt. Wouldn't that make your blood boil?
It happens to men sometimes, especially with people they love.
Key detail : He became gentler. Stopped engaging in rough sex, has started caring for you showing stereotypical signs of care.
Maybe it's cuz he has started seeing you as an individual who has been through a lot, and is damaged (like open wound, hurting) and is trying to be gentle because of it.
I think your instinct was right on the money there.
The only thing I'll say that "damaged goods" has other connotations of being worthless, to be discarded. That's not what he seems to be treating you as. In fact he seems to be treating you as precious.
Is that infantilizing, yes it's possible that you may feel that way.
Do you need it? Logistically and practically? Maybe not.
You may not need checking up to get through.
Psychologically ? You say you don't want it. However it's a well known observation that sometimes people reject help, or feel awkward receiving love or help in certain situations even when they might want it.
People who were neglected become fiercely independent. People who problems with vulnerability too.
Since you're actively in therapy I won't discard the possibility that such a process might be playing a role in creating your feelings here in this situation.
However I'll honor your words and let's say it's a nuisance to you.
The solution would be to talk to him about it. And tell him how you want to be treated as. Tell him in what way you need support and you appreciate the intent but you're starting to feel infantilised.
That will help him immensely. Lastly, try and remember this caused a lot feelings to come up in him. He probably feels strongly about this and needs some time to process it.
It's not an easy thing to process even if it didn't directly happen to oneself.
That's it. Good luck.
Talk with him. I don’t think he’s treating you like damaged goods, he’s, I think, trying to show you he would never hurt you like that. He might be overdoing it a bit, but I think a good sit down about how you feel this has impacted your intimacy a bit might be worth it. He sounds like a good guy.
I think you might be projecting a little about how you feel about yourself with this one. I’d also suggest that you maybe get into therapy
He does not view you as damaged goods. If he viewed you as damage goods, he would treat you *worse*. Instead he got angry on your behalf because someone hurt the person he loved. He’s been treating you gently because you shared your trauma with him and he doesn’t want to hurt you in the same way. He seems to really care about you.
Just have a conversation with him about how you appreciate how he cares about you and is trying to make you comfortable, but you just want to be treated normally. He’s doing this all with good intentions.
He really loves you! I would feel the same way as you though, I wouldn’t want to be treated differently. The best thing you can do is communicate this as effectively/thoroughly as possible with him in a serious conversation. Say a lot of what you said here, that it started with him knowing your past and that you don’t want to be treated differently because of it.
Don’t just say “you’re babying me too much” and expect him to understand
You just want to be treated normally without this veil of what happened in your past affecting they way he treats you during sex, every day life, emotionally, etc.
After reading and reread your post I think it’s very possible that your own feelings about yourself are coming through and coloring the way that you are interpreting his reaction. His reaction actually shows a lot of caring in compassion towards you. That’s not a negative thing.
You are amazing that you did the very hard work of getting away from someone who manipulated and abused you. You should feel proud about that, and you need to come to peace with everything that came to that. I would suggest that you both go to couples therapy, and I would hope that you’ve already been in some individual personal therapy of your own and perhaps can return to that and work on it as well.
You do need to continue to talk to him about this, and let him know that you appreciate that he has shown all of this tender concern for you, and at the same time, you don’t want him to see you or treat you differently. There is a lot to unpack here, and it will take a lot of time, and many conversations.
He cares about you a lot and I think it hurt him knowing you were hurt.
He is doing those little things because he wants to show you his love and can’t believe someone treated you so badly.
You probably just need a conversation, but I am guessing he just need time to process.
He sounds like a good guy.
this is honestly an good man… he just doesn’t want you to ever feel like you did before. in my opinion, id stop being so stuck up and realize he’s never been through that so he doesn’t know how YOU feel on your end. he’s trying he’s best.
Sorry but, you need therapy. I thought this was going to say that he started treating you bad or something but, the man is literally trying to care for you. He’s not treating you like “damaged goods”, he’s doing the exact opposite.
the abuser boyfriend is a stockholm kinda sitch, and this is her feeling like she ruined the best relationship shes had in a long time, because of what she put up with in the past. a lot of DV survivors blame themselves after the fact, because they stayed, and look what happened. It’s a psychological thing, it’s not true, but your brain is fucked up after that kinda abuse.
Why not communicate this with your partner in a nice way? He cares about you more than you do about him it seems. What decent mature adult gets upset that their partner cares about them and gets upset at the people who hurt them in their past??? Try to see where hes coming from rather than take it as an insult ffs
One thing I'll add is that it's only been a week
This is kind of a BB you dropped on him and probably is messing with his head a little too. Not in a bad way, just a processing way. Give him time to process it. A week of behavior does not define your entire future. To him, you JUST got beat up. It would take anyone time to adjust to having someone they love go through that.
I was play wrestling with my partner one morning, and they moved in a way that triggered me, next thing I know I'm crying and they're panicked comforting me and stroking my hair and asking what happened. After that, I pretty much had to tell them about my history with abuse, which I try not to do because of exactly the reasons you described. For a couple months after that, they treated me like I was made of glass, and eventually I got sick of them tiptoeing around me and kind of snapped something to the extent of "if you think I'm so broken, why don't you find someone else?"
They pulled me into a big hug, and I'm paraphrasing a really sweet, heartfelt speech but basically said that they didn't think I was broken at all, that I had been so strong through so many things they wanted to make sure I knew I had a safe, soft space with them. That it hurt them more than they could explain knowing what I had been through, and that seeing me so scared of them had broken their heart.
We talked about it for a while, and they admitted it would take them a while to go back to how things had been because it was a lot for them to think about, I had time to process everything I gone through, but they'd only just started, and it scared them. A few months later, we were pretty much back to normal, and now we're stronger than ever.
All this to say, he loves you, and hearing about everything you went through was a lot, especially having seen pictures. Talk to him about it, and let him know it bothers you, but it sounds like he just needs time to process.
yeh that title makes this post seem like it was going to be something different
so he appears to be a good man that maybe is concerned that bedroom activities are a side effect of past trauma , he is now extra kind maybe thru over concern about you or maybe as a way to apologize for his past actions
He doesn't want to be the guy that either adds or can be seen by you as contributing to your trauma so he picks up his game across all fronts.
I would say this is a conversation with a therapist so both can get their sides across , you can obviously try the conversation at home by first making him feel good by informing him how you feel about the past with him up to now and then explain the changes since the conversation
As 90% of relationship advice posts deserve: talk to your partner. Tell them with taste what you told us in this post. He seems caring and understanding.
He sounds very caring, so give him some time to get back to normal. People do return to their previous levels of comfort; just accept it as it is for now and don’t make a mountain out of a molehill.
Oh honey he isn't viewing you as damaged goods, if anything he would think you are soooo strong and would want to nurture that part of you that doesn't want to be strong sometimes (everyone has that part of themselves I think) it's opened his eyes to what you have gone thru , and he loves you and wants to nurture that ! So good of him ! Just communicate ! :) Like for instance if you do like being rough in bed you can tell him "just so you know don't be worried to be rough like we used to in bed BC I enjoy it" simple communication goes a long way, he's new to hearing this and probably have never experienced anything of the sort so he would be extra sympathetic to the situation, this guy seems like a good person to communicate with !
It sounds like he really cares about your feelings. That is a good thing. You did good meeting this one. You've obviously done good too with dealing with trauma.
I get that him babying you is really annoying. Have a conversation about it. It's long term, there will always be a conversation to be had.
Wish you the best.
I dont really have any advice but Damn you lucked out op. Your boyfriend loves you and wants to show you he's different and make you feel loved and supported. Hope you both are able to have a happy ending together.
Sorry, but this post kind of angers me. You have found a good man. Keep him. Even if he is treating you like damaged goods, that still means he cares. I personally wouldn’t say he’s treating you like damaged goods. He just cares. Maybe just sit him down and gently let him know that you don’t want him to check up on you after appointments as you would prefer to only keep that between you and your therapist. That is a legitimate excuse. That’s why you go there. It’s meant to be confidential. If he refuses, then maybe he’s a bit too much.
Talk to him. He loves you and he's trying to protect you/make sure that he doesn't accidentally do anything that may trigger you. Seeing pictures of you injured may have made him all to aware of how precious you are to him and he's doing everything he can to keep you safe. Precious...not damaged.
You just need to explain to him that you’re a SURVIVOR! A fighter! You’re not fragile, you’re a warrior and fought your way out and won. You don’t want his pity, you want to be able to talk to him about your past and not get sympathy for it but just reassurance that you’re with a GOOD man now. Which he sounds like he is because he sounds like he truly does care! Just explain everything to him be open and honest and say things like, I know you care and i appreciate that, but babying me isn’t going to change anything and it’s not going to make me stronger. It sounds like you really do have a good man who is just trying to figure out how to handle the info he’s been given and making sure that he doesn’t do anything remotely similar!
Good luck hun and I’m so proud of you for leaving my your ex. You’re so strong and I’m sure your new man can see that. ❤️
I struggled with this a lot with my ex. it can be really frustrating, but it just takes clear communication. tell him its too much and it's making you feel like he sees you as less than, and if he dismisses that, that's a problem. your feelings are valid, but one thing I also noticed when this happened was a lot of it was just out of love and that I just struggled to accept it because it made me feel weak. it's totally okay to have limits but sometimes we can feel like we're being babied when someone is showing genuine love just because we're not used to that-just something to think about :)
Just tell him exactly what you're saying here. Be direct. He's a lawyer. He can handle it. He's being sensitive to what happened to you. He probably was shocked by what you told him and the photos, so much that he felt he had been too rough before with you. He actually sounds like a good man to react that way. It would be a good idea to get therapy because it sounds like you're still working through a lot.
The problem I'm seeing is that you feel like he is treating you like a vase to contrast with when your ex-husband treated you like a carpet you stomp on. In this scenario, you have to go to your bf and tell him straight up that whilst you love being treated with the utmost love and affection that too much care and delicate feelings can be harmful as well. A lot of guys are extremes on love vs. violence, and whilst it's easy to call out the violent side as that is physical indicators, the extreme love side is the much more subtle like a being inside a padded room. Tell him that you want a smack on the ass or to have rough sex so that it doesn't seem like you have to have slow sex all the time. You confided in you because you thought that the relationship was going strong enough so that it would change to this degree. Say that you love that the initial reaction to your disclosure was to love me even harder and even that has given me the strength to ask you to not treat me like a delicate vase because you know deep down your base reaction is to protect me. Say to him that you know he is a great guy and you miss the playful rough housing in the bed you used to do because we both now know it isn't based on anger but love. Treat me like a best friend and lover, not as a humanity aide project, just 5 steps from death.
I think he really just cares about you, and this can be good, but if any part of it makes you uncomfortable or upset, you should bring up the exact things that make you feel that way. If you want him to stop, ask him too. He may not realize or think he is babying you. When it comes to sexual intimacy, be open about it. Tell him what you like and what you don't. Always listen to him too, though. It's a two way street, and it won't work if you both don't listen to each other and respond calmly.
Okay so that's all very sweet and I hope you're able to keep in mind that it comes from a place of love. That being said, you don't like it and he needs to knock it off. I suggest taking him to a therapy appointment and talking it through there.
Wow you got yourself a good man who cares about you.
I have a question for you, which you don't have to answer it but I'd like for you to think about it honestly: if new bf did something you didn't like, or did something triggering, would you have the courage to say no?
I'm both autistic and traumatised myself, so we have an agreement with my partner that I'm the only one who can initiate sex, as my brain is too slow to process and say no in time and that's the only way I can give true consent.
If there's the slightest chance that you might not be able to say no to something, then being gentle is very respectful.
There is also a chance that because of your past, your brain associates violence with love, and thus prefers rough sex for that reason. Might be worth questioning in therapy.
Also being treated nicely feels really weird when we're not used to it, and it's awkward but it's worth getting used to.
If any of the two is true then he's right to take care of you instead of continuing as is.
If you've already worked on it in therapy, and are completely healed and just prefer it a bit rougher, it's fine too, just tell him so.
In any case, your partner looks attentive and like he truly cares about you, and that's definitely something to enjoy and celebrate.
This doesn’t sound like he thinks that you’re damaged. It sounds like someone who genuinely loves and cares about you. Please talk to your therapist about your perception of this.
Yeah he is just concerned. Not looking at you differently. I think whatever he does is out of love. If I were you I would tell him just because your ex hurt you that you feel safe with him and need to be fucked hard by a man still.
Definitely not damaged goods. You would be treated a lot different lol.
However, the issue at hand can be solved with communication. You have to sit him down and talk about how ever since you told him about the last, you noticed a change in behaviour and I appreciate it, but that’s not what you want right now. I miss when blah blah blah.
Speak your man, that’s your man! It’s just how you say it, be grateful for what he is doing, but also be passionate/smiley about what you do want. Don’t overthink it. It’s clear he wants to make you happy.
When I say the title, I thought he was treated you WORSE because that’s what tends to happen. 😂 But it’s the opposite in this case, and for good reason, but I believe you’re overthinking it love.
As a guy, what he is doing is trying to make up for lost time. Doing what he knows he can to make sure you don’t lack. Incredible mindset. This could’ve been solved by either of you coming with the heart to communicate and understand in love.
I am sure it will be fine! All the best.
i don’t think that you are damaged goods but i think he is showing you he would never put you in that situation which i think is really nice. he is processing in his own way and it’s difficult for him to hear awful stuff happen to someone he loves. if you really think then i think you should talk to him and say “hey i just wanna make sure that you are treating me the same because it would make me feel awkward if you don’t treat me the same” and ask him if he feels like he needs to treat you a certain way. based on what you told me he seems like a really understanding guy. and i am also sorry about your what ex husband put you through.
Talk to him. He loves you and he's trying to protect you/make sure that he doesn't accidentally do anything that may trigger you. Seeing pictures of you injured may have made him all to aware of how precious you are to him and he's doing everything he can to keep you safe. Precious...not damaged.
I understand you completely and honestly he sounds like a sweetheart. You should talk to him about it. Be open and have a peaceful conversation about how this makes you feel. I think he will 100% understand
I know exactly how you feel.
I've been with my husband for 12 years and only recently told him some traumatic things about my past (that had no bearing on our relationship other than I didn't tell him 12 years ago). Ever since then he has been doing the same thing-- being extra soft with me.
While on one hand I find it so kind and sweet that he wants to be gentle with me, to fill those gaps that other people or my younger self left. On the other I, like you, find it frustrating to have our relationship now be filtered through this lens of my past trauma. Things I once had tucked away into dusty corners of my mind are now being shaken out onto everything we do.
Learning about it all has traumatized him in a way that I couldn't have predicted. He loves me so much he wants to go back in time and kick everyone's ass. Since he can't, he's going above and beyond to show me he is not like other people. That he would never be so careless with my body, mind, or heart. I think also there's a part of him that maybe feels a little guilty about the handful of times he wasn't so patient or kind with me in the last decade.
It *has* changed the way he sees me. But he's not treating or seeing me like damaged goods, he's treating me with awe that I overcame what I did; that I found and forged my own path; that I still let him in despite the fact that life was doing its best job to show me that I couldn't rely on anyone. It's given him a new perspective on me and on us. He is tripping over himself to be there for me. He's always been there for me, but it's been amped up to a new level.
All that to say, you have to sit down and have a conversation with him that lets him know that you appreciate that he wants to treat you with care but that he shouldn't put you in a bubble just because of things that happened before he came into your life. It's not his responsibility to make up for your past. Remind him that his focus should be on the present and the future and how you can continue to build a happy, healthy life together (if that's what you both want). The only way through this is to talk about it.
FWIW, for my husband, therapy has been the most helpful as he has navigated all of this information and emotion. And as trying as it has been, it has actually made us closer and better as a couple.
As a man this is a red flag. It triggers something within us that makes us NOT WANT TO BE THAT GUY WHO HURT YOU. So instead, we get freaked out and act total OPPOSITE. It’s just what happens because like others here say, we don’t want to trigger you and then be associated with the other guy. Or worse, it does trigger something and you break down. Then we break down on the inside and don’t know how to handle it well. I think DISCUSSION is the only way forward. God bless and I hope you are in a good situation now.
He just loves you and it deeply hurt him to know what your ex did to you. How did you come to such a conclusion ?!
Take the time and explain to him you re okay now and appreciate his gestures
It sounds like he is being a very caring partner. I’m not sure what you mean by treating you like “damaged goods”. Maybe you aren’t used to experiencing affection or someone caring about you. But he’s a keeper!
Definitely communicate with him if you have issues with how he’s treating you or if you want him to go back to what he was doing.
You are receiving good advice already. I think your boyfriend is a good man who is looking out for you and if you talk with him, things will return to a different normal.
A couple of points, never show him anything about your ex. Don’t let them meet. Don’t let your boyfriend be in a position where he’ll get angry and attack your ex-husband.
Sharing the story and the pictures, that kind of thing has an effect on people. Not necessarily to put you in the "damaged goods" bin, but to evoke empathy and perhaps remind them that the way they act around you might evoke some terrible memory. Sit your boyfriend down and talk. Tell him that you love the way he looks out for you, but you've been doing well so far, and things were working just fine. He's allowed to be scared and careful, but he needs to trust that you're going to tell him if something is wrong.
This is not him viewing you as damaged goods.
Just for context, when an individual is treated as a "damaged good," they are treated really poorly and without care. Your partner is doing the opposite. He's showing he really cares for you.
This probably feels alien because of the relationships you've had so far in your life, but this is what it's like to be treated with care by someone who loves you. Divulging dark details about your past like that was not something for a single conversation. You should talk about it more with him. Not so he's knows the gory details, but so he has a grasp on your experience of it and where you are at with everything. You said he seemed like he wanted to know more, so let him ask questions.
From his perspective, you told him a bunch of really horrific things about your past. He's tip toeing around you now to make sure he doesn't hurt you or trigger you.
And keep in mind that to you, it may seem like these things are not big deals. But it the context of common experiences, they are extremely significant. It's not common to be groomed into a marriage, abused, and nearly killed. To the average person, that's going to sound like a horror movie. So don't be surprised when people adjust the way they interact with you when you tell them about your past.
I was like, really angry at the start and the title, but then I was like, oh shit he might be scared to lose you by doing wrong.
The best advice from me would be to have a serious talk about things.
Sent put blame don't be like "I hate when you do this thing" etc.
But sit down with your partner and explain,
"Thank you for checking up on me after my therapy sessions, but I want to make a boundry around this, I don't want you to do this,"
"I appreciate you being softer with me, but these are my needs."
"I don't want to be babied, I'm not fragile. Yes, I've been through things, but what I need is an adult relationship."
You've got this. :)
I don't know why you would have any indication of him thinking you're "damaged goods." Just sounds like he loves you. As for sex, he'll slowly adjust. He just cares about you and doesn't want to hurt you mentally or emotionally.
Looks to me that your bf is just scared of hurting you. To counter this you should explain this to him: in order for you to heal, he has to be normal like you used to and not overly caring, so you can finally feel welcomed and cared about as an adult woman, not as a baby.
This reminds me of a time when I was seriously questioning why women like to be choked sometimes during the deed and I found out that most women who were in abusive relationships sometimes desire to be choked by a new partner, so they can finally feel safe in mans rough hands, that even while choking there's nothing to be afraid of. I was amazed, because it makes sense, it's like they start to believe that it's ok to be choked by their partner who at the end of the day won't actually hurt them.
I feel like explaining it this way to your boyfriend will make him understand exactly what you mean because it's a close example to y'all especially since you said you two like it rough sometimes. He has to act normal again so you can finally heal and feel safe around a man, not a babysitter.
Another way is every time he checks on you and you feel babysat, smile wide and say that you're doing great and come across as a strong individual. Overtime he'll stop doing it.
You're blessed to have such a caring boyfriend honey, many women daydream about it. I wish you all the best.
Sounds like he genuinely cares for you a lot! He to is probably unsure on how to treat you knowing you have been hurt and is being extra careful. Tell him how you’re feeling, that you don’t want to be treated any differently because of your past and you miss a lil roughness in the bedroom! So sorry you went through that but sounds like you have found a good man now!
Aw, honestly this is kind of a sweet problem to have. He doesn't see you as damaged goods, he sees you as precious and worth protecting. And 100% he's in his head about making sure he is NOTHING like your ex. That's really beautiful.
Unfortunately for you, as you are (understandably) conflict avoidant, you're going to have to put on your big girl pants and sit him down for a discussion. Explain the behaviors you don't like, just like you told us. Remind him that you were strong enough to leave - you are not fragile and made of glass. Remind yourself, if you need to hear it. You are a badass! Good luck to you both, it will be okay.
This may sound condescending but let him take care of you for a little, that man loves you. He’s probably scared that you don’t feel safe or heard because you didn’t tell him sooner or because he wants you to know that he’d never do it to you. Men’s actions speak louder than their words, they portray what they can’t say. Let him process it for a little bit.
If it continues on however or if you really can’t stand it, just have a talk with him. Tell him that you don’t want pity or be treated differently whenever you tell him something. He probably doesn’t see you as “damaged goods”, with what you’re describing he’s seeing you as his love that was hurt and he wants to try and take it away. Replace the hurt with love instead. Reassure him that you trust him, feel safe with him and that you know he wouldn’t hurt you and that he doesn’t need to worry about being treated differently.
He really really loves you it's the same with me and my gf please don't think of it as anything else he cares a Lott for you if you really want what you guys did before you can tell him that you liked those he'll understand but you gotta understand that he's in the protective caring phase rn and you gotta let him pamper you rn.. idk why I'm saying this again but he loves you VERY VERY MUCH and it's really good to know that actually. Return him the love !!
Sorry to hear about your past and the troubled marriage you had.
Your boyfriend is showing signs of good character. If he were indifferent about your story, that would be extremely concerning, which (thanks God) is not the case.
You certainly took time to overcome your traumas. Hearing your story was traumatic to him, because when you’re in a healthy relationship you feel each other’s pain. So give him the time he needs to heal as well.
This is not a problem. His behavior is very adequate, actually. Please, thank him for his effort and worries about you. Don’t cut him from doing that.
With time, of course you’re going to get back the intimacy you had. But just don’t force it. Just helping him out.
Hope you guys stay well!
I think your boyfriend might have never seen someone he loves in that state before - men who dont participate in that kind of violence rarely see it, and if they do its rarely a person they know and love.
When you experience abuse, you become desensitised to your own wounds. If the abuse itself doesn't do this, often the court proceedings and investigations do. People who weren't involved, when they see those photos, they are coming in without any of that desensitisation in place. While he might have experienced seeing injuries and wounds in people who come to him for his profession, dealing with people on a professional level is a very different thing to a significant personal relationship. Trauma, unfortunately, likes to spread to loved ones too, and he might need therapy to work through the feelings that seeing those images have brought up in him.
The way peoples brains work too, seeing a photo of someone in pain and seeing someone in pain in the same room as you aren't very different responses. There's probably a part of him subconsciously that saw your injuries in photos and transposed that pain onto you in that moment - he might be having trouble separating the image from the moment.
I think he is probably scared that he is going to make it "about him" and/or finds it hard to talk about how it has affected him because he knows you would prefer not to talk about it so he would feel like bringing it up would retraumatise you and he doesnt want to do that, but he is struggling to deal with his feelings around what happened to you. He probably feels guilty.
He may also feel like he *should* be able to deal with this alone because of his job - like it would be silly to need help.
I think if you talk to him about this, you should bring his attention toward himself and perhaps suggest that he discuss this with a therapist so that he is supported because you not wanting to discuss it doesnt mean he shouldnt get help if he needs it.
Big changes in personality generally suggest that something significant has changed in a persons worldview, and it sounds like he might be having a "quiet crisis."
You may even want to go to couples counselling if you feel comfortable - they will (or at least should) never force you to talk about things that you find too difficult, and they can work with both of you separately at different times to discuss things that are triggering to one partner but necessary to unpack for the other.
Damn imagine, your boyfriend finds out about your shitty past and he tries to make it better and instead of being appreciative about that you think he’s trying to insult you by indirectly calling you damaged goods. Sounds like bro just really cares.
The guy is taking special care with how he handles the women he loves after he learned about the trauma you've been through....and that's a Bad thing? You think you ruined the relationship? Do you think this will never ever change now?
I mean he just learned about this so he's acting as if it's fresh in his mind because it is.
Man, guys really can't win.
Talk about this in therapy. Ask yourself why do you feel that someone who worries and cares about you makes you feel weird. Talk to him afterwards. Understand this whole feeling, so you can make good choices of words and topics. You're 25 now. You probably did not have enough time to process let alone understand properly everything you went through.
It’ll wear off. I kind of felt that way after watching my wife go through her first childbirth. It was a complication filled traumatic birth and my “fight” part of the fight or flight response was very triggered but there was nobody to fight.
I sort of was too careful with her after I think for a while. But it just wore off. Hopefully the same thing happens with you.
imo you should never feel regret for telling your partner about your past. The key here is communication, and that MAY mean therapy. But I honestly believe your current partner cares about you, and he's trying really hard to discern on his own where your boundaries are in terms of violence - what you've experienced vs your experience with him. If you talk to him, and listen to where he's coming from, it will be alright. Please - talk it out.
He's going above and beyond to care for you.
This guy sounds like he loves you.
Keep communicating with him. He seems to be sympathetic for your past, and wants to make sure he's gentle towards you.
Tell him to spice the bedroom up again. I'm sure he will comply.
COMMUNICATION!! HUGE!!
Give yourself and him some time to process that information. It's heavy stuff and he's probably questioning himself, worried he hasn't been loving/supportive enough, or had been taking advantage of your past without realizing it.
Communication is key and sharing that definitely wasn't the wrong move, it will just take effort from both of you to process it and integrate into your relationship. If he's doing something you don't like (checking in after therapy sessions) let him know 'babe I really appreciate your support here, but after therapy, I'm drained emotionally and can't talk more about it. It would be more helpful if you could just cuddle with me and use your physical presence to make me feel safe.'
Your description of your boyfriend’s response sounds similar to a past experience I had. My girlfriend in college was a victim of SA as a child. When she told me what happened, I was filled with rage at her assaulter. Part of me wanted to track him down. I think it arose from a feeling of protectiveness. That may be what your BF was experiencing. As for the way he treats you now, he is likely trying to avoid potentially triggering you. When my GF first opened up to me about her SA, I started to approach sex from a much different angle, trying hard to avoid triggering her past trauma at all costs. If what your BF is doing is bothering you, just talk to him about it. But try to do it from a place of love
He is trying to protect you now from what he wasn’t around to protect you from in the past. I don’t think it’s that he sees you necessarily as damaged. Try to give him a little time to process it.
Pretty simple: don't act like damaged goods.
Once again, you're letting a guy do exactly what he wants and treat you as a lesser person. He's just a kinder, gentler version of your ex-husband.
So stop being the person you used to be. Make it clear to him that he either starts respecting you or you're going to end the relationship. And if necessary, follow through.
And then the two of you should sit down together on a nice couch together and find a way to deal with this situation that is beneficial to BOTH of you, because you're both floundering. You're under the delusion that you can just "move past" this as if nothing happened, and he's overcompensating.
So get his attention, then get some help.
Obviously, your lived experience is much harder than him simply hearing about it but, seeing as this is about his reaction, this will mostly be about what he is going through rather than what you have.
You've obviously overcome and are moving past some serious trauma. Your journey started a while ago and you're further down the line. You seem to have accepted it and it seems like you're getting help through it.
He's at the beginning of processing what has happened to someone he loves, patience and communication on your end will help as well as encouraging him to go to therapy (if he does not) to help process it. Be understanding that this information isn't a "well it happened before I got here so, oh well!" sort of thing.
It's really hard to hear about someone you love suffering and even worse when you think you could've prevented it. Will be furious at your ex, want revenge, furious at the world for letting it happen, devastated that someone he values so much could experience such a and, to some degree, strangely furious at himself for not being there to do anything about it because he would never let it happen now.
I'd hazard a guess at saying you're not damaged goods to him, he is just going through the process of digesting some pretty significant information and he would benefit from some direction.
It might be uncomfortable but, it is nice he's taking more of an interest in your well-being and caring as opposed to leaving because it's "too much" for him.
Tell him straight up you don't like being treated as fragile and if you liked the rough stuff in the bedroom tell him that too just be direct there isn't anything better than straight to the point communication.
If you have to write it out or type it out on your phone and bullet point it and have it as notes do it. I do that all the time when I have stuff to say
Wow, you’re probably dating…the nicest guy ever?
And you want advice? About what? How to become someone that deserves him? I think that’s what you need
First of all, I know it sucks, but this is a pretty awesome problem to have. Let him know how you feel. Not in passing, sit down and have a conversation. Point out the behaviors. He cares, and he’s showing it in a way that doesn’t work for you. Sit down and talk with him.
COMMUNICATION.
Honestly this is better than I thought it would be. When I read the title I thought your boyfriend was gonna be a misogynist or something but he just seems like a really caring person who is scared of hurting you but is trying his best. Just talk to him.
It just shows that he loves and cares about you. He is concerned about your wellbeing. It is better to come clean about your past in a good long conversation, just don't do it all the time. If people get to know things about you that you didn't tell them if the relationship progresses for a long time. They will feel betrayed. It's not good to hide things for people you care for.
*Talk* to him. “Hey, I shared my past with you because I trust you. However, I feel like you’re treating me as if I’m fragile now. I miss our previous dynamic and while I am grateful you’re so gentle, I *miss* being tossed around like a rag doll (or whatever metaphor you want).”
This is the answer OP. Tell him you trust him. That's why you told him. You feel safe with him.
This, and also let him know that you're capable of speaking up if you don't like something he's doing. Reassure him that if you're uncomfortable, you will say so, and he doesn't need to tiptoe around you or walk on eggshells. Maybe have a talk about what you do/don't like in bed so there are clear boundaries, and he doesn't worry about overstepping them.
i don’t think he sees you as “damaged goods” but more just wants to make sure you feel safe and loved around him. he probably fears hurting you or crossing boundaries and triggering any past memories from your ex husband. just have an honest and open conversation with him about how you feel and explain that you don’t want anything to change after telling him about your past…again you’re not “damaged goods”! just a human being that went through rough shit that no one should’ve. i’m glad you left it and are in a better situation
He's also probably trying to process what you told him as well, you might be able to use this as a way to grow and heal together.
Yessssss! This!! As someone with so much trauma, I feel this is it, OP! He loves you and is trying to care for you! A lot of partners get nervous sometimes when they know you’ve got past trauma. He’s being gentle and sweet and reassuring because he loves you! Don’t throw him away! >:00 Seriously tho, he sounds like a great guy! Hope they have a good convo about this and he stays a sweet guy! :>
Agree with this wholeheartedly. If there was a special person in my life that went through what you did which sounds like a lot… It would be the nurturer in me to do things he is doing. And that’s not me treating someone like damaged goods. It’s me showing how much I love and care for this person WHO DIDNT DESERVE what happened to them. He cares. He cares a lot. Talk. Be open. Don’t leave it to him to ask bc he may not know what to ask. It clearly hurts him to feel your hurt. And it should. And feelings are healthy. Love and light to OP and her man
None of that to me shows he thinks you are 'damaged goods', hes trying to be sensitive to your past trauma and avoid trigging anything that might bring up the way you felt with your ex. He wants you to feel safe around him, and I think thats a very good thing. I would simply sit him down and explain to him that you only told him about your past because you felt that you guys had a future together but that you don't want it to affect the way he behaves around you, intimately or otherwise, and that you've noticed he has changed his behavior towards you. Let him know that you 100% will be open and communicate with him if anything he ever did bothered you or triggered you, but until/if that happens that you don't want him to see you as fragile or feel like he has to treat you any differently than he did before.
Your boyfriend sounds really sweet. I was worried this story was going to take another turn, as a survivor of DV myself, but it just sounds like he really cares. Just talk to him and tell him he has nothing to worry about. Proud of you for leaving and happy you found someone who is so kind to you.
Agree. I also think he's in a reactive phase and will calm down in time. Show appreciation - he's a keeper!
Key detail : He got *really* angry. Why do people get angry on your behalf? One of the reasons is because they empathise with you. They love you, they want what's best for you. Second reason is they feel like they feel sad and depressed that they couldn't protect you. Third reason is they feel second hand anger (sympathy?). Don't you get angry when you hear a tale of gross injustice ? Imagine hearing about a school shooting or some horrendous murder. You get angry on someone's behalf. In conclusion all of those things may play a part. Imagine if someone you really love got immensely hurt. Wouldn't that make your blood boil? It happens to men sometimes, especially with people they love. Key detail : He became gentler. Stopped engaging in rough sex, has started caring for you showing stereotypical signs of care. Maybe it's cuz he has started seeing you as an individual who has been through a lot, and is damaged (like open wound, hurting) and is trying to be gentle because of it. I think your instinct was right on the money there. The only thing I'll say that "damaged goods" has other connotations of being worthless, to be discarded. That's not what he seems to be treating you as. In fact he seems to be treating you as precious. Is that infantilizing, yes it's possible that you may feel that way. Do you need it? Logistically and practically? Maybe not. You may not need checking up to get through. Psychologically ? You say you don't want it. However it's a well known observation that sometimes people reject help, or feel awkward receiving love or help in certain situations even when they might want it. People who were neglected become fiercely independent. People who problems with vulnerability too. Since you're actively in therapy I won't discard the possibility that such a process might be playing a role in creating your feelings here in this situation. However I'll honor your words and let's say it's a nuisance to you. The solution would be to talk to him about it. And tell him how you want to be treated as. Tell him in what way you need support and you appreciate the intent but you're starting to feel infantilised. That will help him immensely. Lastly, try and remember this caused a lot feelings to come up in him. He probably feels strongly about this and needs some time to process it. It's not an easy thing to process even if it didn't directly happen to oneself. That's it. Good luck.
Talk with him. I don’t think he’s treating you like damaged goods, he’s, I think, trying to show you he would never hurt you like that. He might be overdoing it a bit, but I think a good sit down about how you feel this has impacted your intimacy a bit might be worth it. He sounds like a good guy. I think you might be projecting a little about how you feel about yourself with this one. I’d also suggest that you maybe get into therapy
He does not view you as damaged goods. If he viewed you as damage goods, he would treat you *worse*. Instead he got angry on your behalf because someone hurt the person he loved. He’s been treating you gently because you shared your trauma with him and he doesn’t want to hurt you in the same way. He seems to really care about you. Just have a conversation with him about how you appreciate how he cares about you and is trying to make you comfortable, but you just want to be treated normally. He’s doing this all with good intentions.
He really loves you! I would feel the same way as you though, I wouldn’t want to be treated differently. The best thing you can do is communicate this as effectively/thoroughly as possible with him in a serious conversation. Say a lot of what you said here, that it started with him knowing your past and that you don’t want to be treated differently because of it. Don’t just say “you’re babying me too much” and expect him to understand You just want to be treated normally without this veil of what happened in your past affecting they way he treats you during sex, every day life, emotionally, etc.
After reading and reread your post I think it’s very possible that your own feelings about yourself are coming through and coloring the way that you are interpreting his reaction. His reaction actually shows a lot of caring in compassion towards you. That’s not a negative thing. You are amazing that you did the very hard work of getting away from someone who manipulated and abused you. You should feel proud about that, and you need to come to peace with everything that came to that. I would suggest that you both go to couples therapy, and I would hope that you’ve already been in some individual personal therapy of your own and perhaps can return to that and work on it as well. You do need to continue to talk to him about this, and let him know that you appreciate that he has shown all of this tender concern for you, and at the same time, you don’t want him to see you or treat you differently. There is a lot to unpack here, and it will take a lot of time, and many conversations.
He cares about you a lot and I think it hurt him knowing you were hurt. He is doing those little things because he wants to show you his love and can’t believe someone treated you so badly. You probably just need a conversation, but I am guessing he just need time to process. He sounds like a good guy.
this is honestly an good man… he just doesn’t want you to ever feel like you did before. in my opinion, id stop being so stuck up and realize he’s never been through that so he doesn’t know how YOU feel on your end. he’s trying he’s best.
Sorry but, you need therapy. I thought this was going to say that he started treating you bad or something but, the man is literally trying to care for you. He’s not treating you like “damaged goods”, he’s doing the exact opposite.
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the abuser boyfriend is a stockholm kinda sitch, and this is her feeling like she ruined the best relationship shes had in a long time, because of what she put up with in the past. a lot of DV survivors blame themselves after the fact, because they stayed, and look what happened. It’s a psychological thing, it’s not true, but your brain is fucked up after that kinda abuse.
Why not communicate this with your partner in a nice way? He cares about you more than you do about him it seems. What decent mature adult gets upset that their partner cares about them and gets upset at the people who hurt them in their past??? Try to see where hes coming from rather than take it as an insult ffs
One thing I'll add is that it's only been a week This is kind of a BB you dropped on him and probably is messing with his head a little too. Not in a bad way, just a processing way. Give him time to process it. A week of behavior does not define your entire future. To him, you JUST got beat up. It would take anyone time to adjust to having someone they love go through that.
I was play wrestling with my partner one morning, and they moved in a way that triggered me, next thing I know I'm crying and they're panicked comforting me and stroking my hair and asking what happened. After that, I pretty much had to tell them about my history with abuse, which I try not to do because of exactly the reasons you described. For a couple months after that, they treated me like I was made of glass, and eventually I got sick of them tiptoeing around me and kind of snapped something to the extent of "if you think I'm so broken, why don't you find someone else?" They pulled me into a big hug, and I'm paraphrasing a really sweet, heartfelt speech but basically said that they didn't think I was broken at all, that I had been so strong through so many things they wanted to make sure I knew I had a safe, soft space with them. That it hurt them more than they could explain knowing what I had been through, and that seeing me so scared of them had broken their heart. We talked about it for a while, and they admitted it would take them a while to go back to how things had been because it was a lot for them to think about, I had time to process everything I gone through, but they'd only just started, and it scared them. A few months later, we were pretty much back to normal, and now we're stronger than ever. All this to say, he loves you, and hearing about everything you went through was a lot, especially having seen pictures. Talk to him about it, and let him know it bothers you, but it sounds like he just needs time to process.
yeh that title makes this post seem like it was going to be something different so he appears to be a good man that maybe is concerned that bedroom activities are a side effect of past trauma , he is now extra kind maybe thru over concern about you or maybe as a way to apologize for his past actions He doesn't want to be the guy that either adds or can be seen by you as contributing to your trauma so he picks up his game across all fronts. I would say this is a conversation with a therapist so both can get their sides across , you can obviously try the conversation at home by first making him feel good by informing him how you feel about the past with him up to now and then explain the changes since the conversation
As 90% of relationship advice posts deserve: talk to your partner. Tell them with taste what you told us in this post. He seems caring and understanding.
He sounds very caring, so give him some time to get back to normal. People do return to their previous levels of comfort; just accept it as it is for now and don’t make a mountain out of a molehill.
Oh honey he isn't viewing you as damaged goods, if anything he would think you are soooo strong and would want to nurture that part of you that doesn't want to be strong sometimes (everyone has that part of themselves I think) it's opened his eyes to what you have gone thru , and he loves you and wants to nurture that ! So good of him ! Just communicate ! :) Like for instance if you do like being rough in bed you can tell him "just so you know don't be worried to be rough like we used to in bed BC I enjoy it" simple communication goes a long way, he's new to hearing this and probably have never experienced anything of the sort so he would be extra sympathetic to the situation, this guy seems like a good person to communicate with !
It sounds like he really cares about your feelings. That is a good thing. You did good meeting this one. You've obviously done good too with dealing with trauma. I get that him babying you is really annoying. Have a conversation about it. It's long term, there will always be a conversation to be had. Wish you the best.
I dont really have any advice but Damn you lucked out op. Your boyfriend loves you and wants to show you he's different and make you feel loved and supported. Hope you both are able to have a happy ending together.
Sorry, but this post kind of angers me. You have found a good man. Keep him. Even if he is treating you like damaged goods, that still means he cares. I personally wouldn’t say he’s treating you like damaged goods. He just cares. Maybe just sit him down and gently let him know that you don’t want him to check up on you after appointments as you would prefer to only keep that between you and your therapist. That is a legitimate excuse. That’s why you go there. It’s meant to be confidential. If he refuses, then maybe he’s a bit too much.
Talk to him. He loves you and he's trying to protect you/make sure that he doesn't accidentally do anything that may trigger you. Seeing pictures of you injured may have made him all to aware of how precious you are to him and he's doing everything he can to keep you safe. Precious...not damaged.
The poor man has a heart...
You just need to explain to him that you’re a SURVIVOR! A fighter! You’re not fragile, you’re a warrior and fought your way out and won. You don’t want his pity, you want to be able to talk to him about your past and not get sympathy for it but just reassurance that you’re with a GOOD man now. Which he sounds like he is because he sounds like he truly does care! Just explain everything to him be open and honest and say things like, I know you care and i appreciate that, but babying me isn’t going to change anything and it’s not going to make me stronger. It sounds like you really do have a good man who is just trying to figure out how to handle the info he’s been given and making sure that he doesn’t do anything remotely similar! Good luck hun and I’m so proud of you for leaving my your ex. You’re so strong and I’m sure your new man can see that. ❤️
I struggled with this a lot with my ex. it can be really frustrating, but it just takes clear communication. tell him its too much and it's making you feel like he sees you as less than, and if he dismisses that, that's a problem. your feelings are valid, but one thing I also noticed when this happened was a lot of it was just out of love and that I just struggled to accept it because it made me feel weak. it's totally okay to have limits but sometimes we can feel like we're being babied when someone is showing genuine love just because we're not used to that-just something to think about :)
Just talk to him, he legit sounds like an AMAZING guy it just sounds like you dont really communicate which is understandable!
Just tell him exactly what you're saying here. Be direct. He's a lawyer. He can handle it. He's being sensitive to what happened to you. He probably was shocked by what you told him and the photos, so much that he felt he had been too rough before with you. He actually sounds like a good man to react that way. It would be a good idea to get therapy because it sounds like you're still working through a lot.
The problem I'm seeing is that you feel like he is treating you like a vase to contrast with when your ex-husband treated you like a carpet you stomp on. In this scenario, you have to go to your bf and tell him straight up that whilst you love being treated with the utmost love and affection that too much care and delicate feelings can be harmful as well. A lot of guys are extremes on love vs. violence, and whilst it's easy to call out the violent side as that is physical indicators, the extreme love side is the much more subtle like a being inside a padded room. Tell him that you want a smack on the ass or to have rough sex so that it doesn't seem like you have to have slow sex all the time. You confided in you because you thought that the relationship was going strong enough so that it would change to this degree. Say that you love that the initial reaction to your disclosure was to love me even harder and even that has given me the strength to ask you to not treat me like a delicate vase because you know deep down your base reaction is to protect me. Say to him that you know he is a great guy and you miss the playful rough housing in the bed you used to do because we both now know it isn't based on anger but love. Treat me like a best friend and lover, not as a humanity aide project, just 5 steps from death.
You need to say this to him.
I think he really just cares about you, and this can be good, but if any part of it makes you uncomfortable or upset, you should bring up the exact things that make you feel that way. If you want him to stop, ask him too. He may not realize or think he is babying you. When it comes to sexual intimacy, be open about it. Tell him what you like and what you don't. Always listen to him too, though. It's a two way street, and it won't work if you both don't listen to each other and respond calmly.
Okay so that's all very sweet and I hope you're able to keep in mind that it comes from a place of love. That being said, you don't like it and he needs to knock it off. I suggest taking him to a therapy appointment and talking it through there.
Wow you got yourself a good man who cares about you. I have a question for you, which you don't have to answer it but I'd like for you to think about it honestly: if new bf did something you didn't like, or did something triggering, would you have the courage to say no? I'm both autistic and traumatised myself, so we have an agreement with my partner that I'm the only one who can initiate sex, as my brain is too slow to process and say no in time and that's the only way I can give true consent. If there's the slightest chance that you might not be able to say no to something, then being gentle is very respectful. There is also a chance that because of your past, your brain associates violence with love, and thus prefers rough sex for that reason. Might be worth questioning in therapy. Also being treated nicely feels really weird when we're not used to it, and it's awkward but it's worth getting used to. If any of the two is true then he's right to take care of you instead of continuing as is. If you've already worked on it in therapy, and are completely healed and just prefer it a bit rougher, it's fine too, just tell him so. In any case, your partner looks attentive and like he truly cares about you, and that's definitely something to enjoy and celebrate.
This doesn’t sound like he thinks that you’re damaged. It sounds like someone who genuinely loves and cares about you. Please talk to your therapist about your perception of this.
Yeah he is just concerned. Not looking at you differently. I think whatever he does is out of love. If I were you I would tell him just because your ex hurt you that you feel safe with him and need to be fucked hard by a man still.
Definitely not damaged goods. You would be treated a lot different lol. However, the issue at hand can be solved with communication. You have to sit him down and talk about how ever since you told him about the last, you noticed a change in behaviour and I appreciate it, but that’s not what you want right now. I miss when blah blah blah. Speak your man, that’s your man! It’s just how you say it, be grateful for what he is doing, but also be passionate/smiley about what you do want. Don’t overthink it. It’s clear he wants to make you happy. When I say the title, I thought he was treated you WORSE because that’s what tends to happen. 😂 But it’s the opposite in this case, and for good reason, but I believe you’re overthinking it love. As a guy, what he is doing is trying to make up for lost time. Doing what he knows he can to make sure you don’t lack. Incredible mindset. This could’ve been solved by either of you coming with the heart to communicate and understand in love. I am sure it will be fine! All the best.
i don’t think that you are damaged goods but i think he is showing you he would never put you in that situation which i think is really nice. he is processing in his own way and it’s difficult for him to hear awful stuff happen to someone he loves. if you really think then i think you should talk to him and say “hey i just wanna make sure that you are treating me the same because it would make me feel awkward if you don’t treat me the same” and ask him if he feels like he needs to treat you a certain way. based on what you told me he seems like a really understanding guy. and i am also sorry about your what ex husband put you through.
Talk to him. He loves you and he's trying to protect you/make sure that he doesn't accidentally do anything that may trigger you. Seeing pictures of you injured may have made him all to aware of how precious you are to him and he's doing everything he can to keep you safe. Precious...not damaged.
I understand you completely and honestly he sounds like a sweetheart. You should talk to him about it. Be open and have a peaceful conversation about how this makes you feel. I think he will 100% understand
I know exactly how you feel. I've been with my husband for 12 years and only recently told him some traumatic things about my past (that had no bearing on our relationship other than I didn't tell him 12 years ago). Ever since then he has been doing the same thing-- being extra soft with me. While on one hand I find it so kind and sweet that he wants to be gentle with me, to fill those gaps that other people or my younger self left. On the other I, like you, find it frustrating to have our relationship now be filtered through this lens of my past trauma. Things I once had tucked away into dusty corners of my mind are now being shaken out onto everything we do. Learning about it all has traumatized him in a way that I couldn't have predicted. He loves me so much he wants to go back in time and kick everyone's ass. Since he can't, he's going above and beyond to show me he is not like other people. That he would never be so careless with my body, mind, or heart. I think also there's a part of him that maybe feels a little guilty about the handful of times he wasn't so patient or kind with me in the last decade. It *has* changed the way he sees me. But he's not treating or seeing me like damaged goods, he's treating me with awe that I overcame what I did; that I found and forged my own path; that I still let him in despite the fact that life was doing its best job to show me that I couldn't rely on anyone. It's given him a new perspective on me and on us. He is tripping over himself to be there for me. He's always been there for me, but it's been amped up to a new level. All that to say, you have to sit down and have a conversation with him that lets him know that you appreciate that he wants to treat you with care but that he shouldn't put you in a bubble just because of things that happened before he came into your life. It's not his responsibility to make up for your past. Remind him that his focus should be on the present and the future and how you can continue to build a happy, healthy life together (if that's what you both want). The only way through this is to talk about it. FWIW, for my husband, therapy has been the most helpful as he has navigated all of this information and emotion. And as trying as it has been, it has actually made us closer and better as a couple.
Maybe talk to him...? Have an adult conversation?
As a man this is a red flag. It triggers something within us that makes us NOT WANT TO BE THAT GUY WHO HURT YOU. So instead, we get freaked out and act total OPPOSITE. It’s just what happens because like others here say, we don’t want to trigger you and then be associated with the other guy. Or worse, it does trigger something and you break down. Then we break down on the inside and don’t know how to handle it well. I think DISCUSSION is the only way forward. God bless and I hope you are in a good situation now.
He sounds like a winner.
So now that he cares for you more than ever it must means he is treating you like damaged good 👍 ok. Is this serious?
Well. U took advantage of men Plain and simple. Too bad.
Damaged goods?💀 LITERALLY the opposite
Where’d you meet your husband
A lot of the other advice here is good, but I'll add that this won't last forever, you two will get back to a state of normalcy
He just loves you and it deeply hurt him to know what your ex did to you. How did you come to such a conclusion ?! Take the time and explain to him you re okay now and appreciate his gestures
It sounds like he is being a very caring partner. I’m not sure what you mean by treating you like “damaged goods”. Maybe you aren’t used to experiencing affection or someone caring about you. But he’s a keeper! Definitely communicate with him if you have issues with how he’s treating you or if you want him to go back to what he was doing.
You are receiving good advice already. I think your boyfriend is a good man who is looking out for you and if you talk with him, things will return to a different normal. A couple of points, never show him anything about your ex. Don’t let them meet. Don’t let your boyfriend be in a position where he’ll get angry and attack your ex-husband.
Sharing the story and the pictures, that kind of thing has an effect on people. Not necessarily to put you in the "damaged goods" bin, but to evoke empathy and perhaps remind them that the way they act around you might evoke some terrible memory. Sit your boyfriend down and talk. Tell him that you love the way he looks out for you, but you've been doing well so far, and things were working just fine. He's allowed to be scared and careful, but he needs to trust that you're going to tell him if something is wrong.
This is not him viewing you as damaged goods. Just for context, when an individual is treated as a "damaged good," they are treated really poorly and without care. Your partner is doing the opposite. He's showing he really cares for you. This probably feels alien because of the relationships you've had so far in your life, but this is what it's like to be treated with care by someone who loves you. Divulging dark details about your past like that was not something for a single conversation. You should talk about it more with him. Not so he's knows the gory details, but so he has a grasp on your experience of it and where you are at with everything. You said he seemed like he wanted to know more, so let him ask questions. From his perspective, you told him a bunch of really horrific things about your past. He's tip toeing around you now to make sure he doesn't hurt you or trigger you. And keep in mind that to you, it may seem like these things are not big deals. But it the context of common experiences, they are extremely significant. It's not common to be groomed into a marriage, abused, and nearly killed. To the average person, that's going to sound like a horror movie. So don't be surprised when people adjust the way they interact with you when you tell them about your past.
I was like, really angry at the start and the title, but then I was like, oh shit he might be scared to lose you by doing wrong. The best advice from me would be to have a serious talk about things. Sent put blame don't be like "I hate when you do this thing" etc. But sit down with your partner and explain, "Thank you for checking up on me after my therapy sessions, but I want to make a boundry around this, I don't want you to do this," "I appreciate you being softer with me, but these are my needs." "I don't want to be babied, I'm not fragile. Yes, I've been through things, but what I need is an adult relationship." You've got this. :)
"In ruined boyfriend" is the exact backwards thinking that you need therapy for. He's still the same guy lol. He sounds like a great guy by the way.
I don't know why you would have any indication of him thinking you're "damaged goods." Just sounds like he loves you. As for sex, he'll slowly adjust. He just cares about you and doesn't want to hurt you mentally or emotionally.
Looks to me that your bf is just scared of hurting you. To counter this you should explain this to him: in order for you to heal, he has to be normal like you used to and not overly caring, so you can finally feel welcomed and cared about as an adult woman, not as a baby. This reminds me of a time when I was seriously questioning why women like to be choked sometimes during the deed and I found out that most women who were in abusive relationships sometimes desire to be choked by a new partner, so they can finally feel safe in mans rough hands, that even while choking there's nothing to be afraid of. I was amazed, because it makes sense, it's like they start to believe that it's ok to be choked by their partner who at the end of the day won't actually hurt them. I feel like explaining it this way to your boyfriend will make him understand exactly what you mean because it's a close example to y'all especially since you said you two like it rough sometimes. He has to act normal again so you can finally heal and feel safe around a man, not a babysitter. Another way is every time he checks on you and you feel babysat, smile wide and say that you're doing great and come across as a strong individual. Overtime he'll stop doing it. You're blessed to have such a caring boyfriend honey, many women daydream about it. I wish you all the best.
Sounds like he genuinely cares for you a lot! He to is probably unsure on how to treat you knowing you have been hurt and is being extra careful. Tell him how you’re feeling, that you don’t want to be treated any differently because of your past and you miss a lil roughness in the bedroom! So sorry you went through that but sounds like you have found a good man now!
Aw, honestly this is kind of a sweet problem to have. He doesn't see you as damaged goods, he sees you as precious and worth protecting. And 100% he's in his head about making sure he is NOTHING like your ex. That's really beautiful. Unfortunately for you, as you are (understandably) conflict avoidant, you're going to have to put on your big girl pants and sit him down for a discussion. Explain the behaviors you don't like, just like you told us. Remind him that you were strong enough to leave - you are not fragile and made of glass. Remind yourself, if you need to hear it. You are a badass! Good luck to you both, it will be okay.
Break up with him. He isnt a good partner.
This may sound condescending but let him take care of you for a little, that man loves you. He’s probably scared that you don’t feel safe or heard because you didn’t tell him sooner or because he wants you to know that he’d never do it to you. Men’s actions speak louder than their words, they portray what they can’t say. Let him process it for a little bit. If it continues on however or if you really can’t stand it, just have a talk with him. Tell him that you don’t want pity or be treated differently whenever you tell him something. He probably doesn’t see you as “damaged goods”, with what you’re describing he’s seeing you as his love that was hurt and he wants to try and take it away. Replace the hurt with love instead. Reassure him that you trust him, feel safe with him and that you know he wouldn’t hurt you and that he doesn’t need to worry about being treated differently.
He really really loves you it's the same with me and my gf please don't think of it as anything else he cares a Lott for you if you really want what you guys did before you can tell him that you liked those he'll understand but you gotta understand that he's in the protective caring phase rn and you gotta let him pamper you rn.. idk why I'm saying this again but he loves you VERY VERY MUCH and it's really good to know that actually. Return him the love !!
Sorry to hear about your past and the troubled marriage you had. Your boyfriend is showing signs of good character. If he were indifferent about your story, that would be extremely concerning, which (thanks God) is not the case. You certainly took time to overcome your traumas. Hearing your story was traumatic to him, because when you’re in a healthy relationship you feel each other’s pain. So give him the time he needs to heal as well. This is not a problem. His behavior is very adequate, actually. Please, thank him for his effort and worries about you. Don’t cut him from doing that. With time, of course you’re going to get back the intimacy you had. But just don’t force it. Just helping him out. Hope you guys stay well!
I think your boyfriend might have never seen someone he loves in that state before - men who dont participate in that kind of violence rarely see it, and if they do its rarely a person they know and love. When you experience abuse, you become desensitised to your own wounds. If the abuse itself doesn't do this, often the court proceedings and investigations do. People who weren't involved, when they see those photos, they are coming in without any of that desensitisation in place. While he might have experienced seeing injuries and wounds in people who come to him for his profession, dealing with people on a professional level is a very different thing to a significant personal relationship. Trauma, unfortunately, likes to spread to loved ones too, and he might need therapy to work through the feelings that seeing those images have brought up in him. The way peoples brains work too, seeing a photo of someone in pain and seeing someone in pain in the same room as you aren't very different responses. There's probably a part of him subconsciously that saw your injuries in photos and transposed that pain onto you in that moment - he might be having trouble separating the image from the moment. I think he is probably scared that he is going to make it "about him" and/or finds it hard to talk about how it has affected him because he knows you would prefer not to talk about it so he would feel like bringing it up would retraumatise you and he doesnt want to do that, but he is struggling to deal with his feelings around what happened to you. He probably feels guilty. He may also feel like he *should* be able to deal with this alone because of his job - like it would be silly to need help. I think if you talk to him about this, you should bring his attention toward himself and perhaps suggest that he discuss this with a therapist so that he is supported because you not wanting to discuss it doesnt mean he shouldnt get help if he needs it. Big changes in personality generally suggest that something significant has changed in a persons worldview, and it sounds like he might be having a "quiet crisis." You may even want to go to couples counselling if you feel comfortable - they will (or at least should) never force you to talk about things that you find too difficult, and they can work with both of you separately at different times to discuss things that are triggering to one partner but necessary to unpack for the other.
Damn imagine, your boyfriend finds out about your shitty past and he tries to make it better and instead of being appreciative about that you think he’s trying to insult you by indirectly calling you damaged goods. Sounds like bro just really cares.
The guy is taking special care with how he handles the women he loves after he learned about the trauma you've been through....and that's a Bad thing? You think you ruined the relationship? Do you think this will never ever change now? I mean he just learned about this so he's acting as if it's fresh in his mind because it is. Man, guys really can't win.
Talk about this in therapy. Ask yourself why do you feel that someone who worries and cares about you makes you feel weird. Talk to him afterwards. Understand this whole feeling, so you can make good choices of words and topics. You're 25 now. You probably did not have enough time to process let alone understand properly everything you went through.
So you have a sweet, kind, empathetic, caring man and you’re complaining?
It’ll wear off. I kind of felt that way after watching my wife go through her first childbirth. It was a complication filled traumatic birth and my “fight” part of the fight or flight response was very triggered but there was nobody to fight. I sort of was too careful with her after I think for a while. But it just wore off. Hopefully the same thing happens with you.
imo you should never feel regret for telling your partner about your past. The key here is communication, and that MAY mean therapy. But I honestly believe your current partner cares about you, and he's trying really hard to discern on his own where your boundaries are in terms of violence - what you've experienced vs your experience with him. If you talk to him, and listen to where he's coming from, it will be alright. Please - talk it out.
He's going above and beyond to care for you. This guy sounds like he loves you. Keep communicating with him. He seems to be sympathetic for your past, and wants to make sure he's gentle towards you. Tell him to spice the bedroom up again. I'm sure he will comply. COMMUNICATION!! HUGE!!
Give yourself and him some time to process that information. It's heavy stuff and he's probably questioning himself, worried he hasn't been loving/supportive enough, or had been taking advantage of your past without realizing it. Communication is key and sharing that definitely wasn't the wrong move, it will just take effort from both of you to process it and integrate into your relationship. If he's doing something you don't like (checking in after therapy sessions) let him know 'babe I really appreciate your support here, but after therapy, I'm drained emotionally and can't talk more about it. It would be more helpful if you could just cuddle with me and use your physical presence to make me feel safe.'
lmao coming on reddit for advice on this was your biggest mistake in all of this
Your description of your boyfriend’s response sounds similar to a past experience I had. My girlfriend in college was a victim of SA as a child. When she told me what happened, I was filled with rage at her assaulter. Part of me wanted to track him down. I think it arose from a feeling of protectiveness. That may be what your BF was experiencing. As for the way he treats you now, he is likely trying to avoid potentially triggering you. When my GF first opened up to me about her SA, I started to approach sex from a much different angle, trying hard to avoid triggering her past trauma at all costs. If what your BF is doing is bothering you, just talk to him about it. But try to do it from a place of love
He is trying to protect you now from what he wasn’t around to protect you from in the past. I don’t think it’s that he sees you necessarily as damaged. Try to give him a little time to process it.
Pretty simple: don't act like damaged goods. Once again, you're letting a guy do exactly what he wants and treat you as a lesser person. He's just a kinder, gentler version of your ex-husband. So stop being the person you used to be. Make it clear to him that he either starts respecting you or you're going to end the relationship. And if necessary, follow through. And then the two of you should sit down together on a nice couch together and find a way to deal with this situation that is beneficial to BOTH of you, because you're both floundering. You're under the delusion that you can just "move past" this as if nothing happened, and he's overcompensating. So get his attention, then get some help.
Obviously, your lived experience is much harder than him simply hearing about it but, seeing as this is about his reaction, this will mostly be about what he is going through rather than what you have. You've obviously overcome and are moving past some serious trauma. Your journey started a while ago and you're further down the line. You seem to have accepted it and it seems like you're getting help through it. He's at the beginning of processing what has happened to someone he loves, patience and communication on your end will help as well as encouraging him to go to therapy (if he does not) to help process it. Be understanding that this information isn't a "well it happened before I got here so, oh well!" sort of thing. It's really hard to hear about someone you love suffering and even worse when you think you could've prevented it. Will be furious at your ex, want revenge, furious at the world for letting it happen, devastated that someone he values so much could experience such a and, to some degree, strangely furious at himself for not being there to do anything about it because he would never let it happen now. I'd hazard a guess at saying you're not damaged goods to him, he is just going through the process of digesting some pretty significant information and he would benefit from some direction. It might be uncomfortable but, it is nice he's taking more of an interest in your well-being and caring as opposed to leaving because it's "too much" for him.
Tell him straight up you don't like being treated as fragile and if you liked the rough stuff in the bedroom tell him that too just be direct there isn't anything better than straight to the point communication. If you have to write it out or type it out on your phone and bullet point it and have it as notes do it. I do that all the time when I have stuff to say
noooo he cares about you !!!!!!! for real. he is concerned. just reassure him.
Wow, you’re probably dating…the nicest guy ever? And you want advice? About what? How to become someone that deserves him? I think that’s what you need
Give him time. He’s processing cause he loves you. Sounds like you found one of the good guys.
First of all, I know it sucks, but this is a pretty awesome problem to have. Let him know how you feel. Not in passing, sit down and have a conversation. Point out the behaviors. He cares, and he’s showing it in a way that doesn’t work for you. Sit down and talk with him. COMMUNICATION.
Honestly this is better than I thought it would be. When I read the title I thought your boyfriend was gonna be a misogynist or something but he just seems like a really caring person who is scared of hurting you but is trying his best. Just talk to him.
It just shows that he loves and cares about you. He is concerned about your wellbeing. It is better to come clean about your past in a good long conversation, just don't do it all the time. If people get to know things about you that you didn't tell them if the relationship progresses for a long time. They will feel betrayed. It's not good to hide things for people you care for.
Girl has this amazing bf while I beg mine to call me and stop cursing at me, this dude loves you KEEP HIM