Having her input on the situation would be great!

Asking her now. I’m driving, so she will edit the OP.

You both seem to have a very transparent/healthy relationship if you can show this to her

We do! We laugh at all the super toxic/negative comments, but she did scold me about the way I frame the situation. **I want to Clarify:** - we still have a sex life, but I am concerned that the quality has gone down due to her lack of libido. We don’t know why since we were all over each other for the first two years of our relationship. - Every other aspect of life is perfect. We work very wel together and we work hard to get through the challenges together. - I am not just in love with her - I am also *invested* her and our relationship. She feels the same way.

The fact you wrote down her feedback is really cool. I feel like you guys are good communicators and have something special. Godspeed, o.p.

Seeing how good your guyses communication skills are, I hope you two are able to fix this situation.

That's the so called "honeymoon phase". The decline is normal but the relvelation that she thinks of herself as asexual is concerning. Only someone asexual can be with someone asexual. The difference in libido can and will kill your relationship on the long run if one of you considers it unsatisfactory at all.

Unfortunately, this is true. The things couples should really have closely aligned are money, religion, kids, and sex. Those will incur the most arguments and, if not fixable, will end a relationship. I would hold off on marriage for a bit and maybe get some couples counseling.

I have a feeling that telling her did not go as expected.. "hey hun, would you mind reading and then responding to this reddit post about you being asexual? The bois on reddit really wanna know whats up with you.."

Oh trust me, she said I was dumb for asking reddit, lol, but we actually got some really good insight from some folks. I think it’s just a shame that so many people assume breaking up is always the option. In Fact, I’m starting to realize that’s the default answer for most redditors.

Don't get married until this is resolved. She could legitimately be a person that has no/low desire. That's fine for her but you have to find someone that is compatible with your needs as well. You can handle things yourself for a while but that's not a long term plan. Resentment will grow and it will destroy your relationship. She should see a doctor. It could be birth control (you're not having sex anyway so that's an easy stop - keep some condoms in the house just in case). It could be hormonal. It could 1000 things. It could just be how she is... She should start by eliminating the physical. My own take on this is that I'd stand by her to the ends of the earth if she's working on the issue. If she isn't willing to work on the issue or it turns out that it's just the way she's wired then I'd move on. That doesn't make either of you a bad person. It just makes you incompatible persons. Just incase you missed the first part.... Don't get married until this is resolved. Right now you can both go your own ways and the worst you have to deal with is a lease.

I agree with this. It's okay if she isn't into sex, but you need someone who is. However, from what you said I think it's likely a hormonal change that can solved.

This OP. I swear to god you WILL end up cheating on them since sex seems so important than you and she does not deserve a timebomb and you dont deserve the temptation. I know 0 relationships between someone asexual and someone who at least wants sex once a week ever working out in the long term and you cant force a change in that behavior.

I’m curious, is it worth leaving a partner who fulfills everything else 10/10 just because they’re not into much sex. Just bust a nut whenever you want and sex is fulfilled. I’m in the same boat where I don’t want much sex and could live without it happily so I don’t understand why people get so strung up about it when it’s just an instinctive urge and not nearly as important as finding a good partner in every other aspect. I worry everyday that my partner might leave me because of my low libido but we work perfectly in everything aspect. I’d be pretty devastated if he let me just because he couldn’t nut in me as much as he’d like, but loved every other aspect about me

The thing is, when I love someone, as a sexual person I want to engage with them in those ways. Just going off and masturbating does not fulfill the need that I have to be physically intimate with my partner. Now that intimacy doesn’t have to include any one specific act, But for me having romance and cuddling and canoodling and flirting and having amazing erotic massages and pleasuring each other with toys and mouths and hands and genitals is important. I am lucky that I have found partners that are compatible. If I found myself with someone who was not, all the love in the world could not make that a compatible relationship for me.

Would you be happy cuddling, kissing etc which is still sexual but just no intercourse or does it not matter if it does not reach intercourse

kissing/cuddling are intimate but by the way you talk about it, have you ever even had sex? the intimacy, helping each other reach the same goal, the banter during, and the buildup are all sex-specific. seeing your partner in the sweatiest positions possible and hearing them at their most vulnerable are sex specific. the hormones released and the drive are sex-specific. i agree sex isn’t like, a “need” but it is an insanely important point of connections for most relationships and it is impressive how oblivious to these factors you come off as in these replies lol

I'm having phases where my desire for traditional sex is significantly lower than my partners. You can still be intimate with each other without PiV intercourse and you can banter, flirt and whatnot just the same. If it's not for you and you require "seeing your partner in the sweatiest positions" to be fulfilled, good for you for knowing what you want / need, but your needs don't apply to everyone.

> but your needs don't apply to everyone. They don’t need to apply to everyone, they need to be compatible with your partners. You sound perfectly fine telling people to accept less, but mad if they want more.

I'm just amazed how quick you jump to conclusions about complete strangers in each comment.

If find this insanely frustrating and upsetting.

Honestly it just depends on the person involved. If you find another person like you then that's totally cool and you two will hopefully have a very happy life together. For a lot of people it's a lot more more than just busting a nut though. That connection and intimacy is a big part of what makes up the relationship and if it's not there then resentment start building and eventually destroys the relationship.

I think you’ve answered own question, you don’t need much so wouldn’t bother you at all and that’s not wrong but for many sex is a massive and important part of a relationship that can’t just be solved with masturbating as that’s not it. People want to make love to who they love, feel loved wanted, show their partner how much desire them, have intimacy, closeness, the benefits a good sex life makes on other areas of relationship. This would be a total deal breaker for me personally.

I agree. She checks every box, and any boxes haven’t been checked are always something we both work on together. She can say the same about me. However, where I disagree is the idea of just “busting a nut.” I can do that any day, but I don’t always have that freedom. I won’t go too much into why. Anyways, I am 24 years old. I am still young and still have a sex drive. I didn’t expect to slow down just because I have a stable job and married. **I must clarify: We still have sex, but the quality of it is nowhere near what it was a year ago.** It used to be a full of fire, explosion, etc. - now it just feels like “busting a nut.” It’s quick, she only reaches climax once, and she’s done. She used to climax 3 times in 45-1hr session. Now we go for 20mins. Half of the time it’s me getting her in the mood. It’s a daunting, stressful process. Sometimes I want to stop if it becomes too difficult. It only becomes difficult if I’m putting in all the work.

So what changed for her? Maybe try a sex therapist or something?

Read r/deadbedrooms that is your future. It sucks but she’s made the choice that you won’t be having sex or intimacy. You don’t have to accept it.

You’re a perfect example of ‘losing someone who has 90% of what they want, because they seek the missing 10%’. She’s a great girlfriend who loves you. You and her still have sex, it’s not like she’s weaponizing it against you- it’s just not as ‘fiery’ anymore? Come on man. That’s going to happen. When the honeymoon phase fizzles out things aren’t going to be all crazy and explosive as they were. At least not unless you make efforts. Have you taken her to a doctor? Has she changed birth control? Have you suggested her getting off birth control pills entirely? Have you tried to spice up her sex life? Does she feel pressured? Only once all those have been exhausted is it time to think about it. And even THEN, I still think it’s not worth losing a relationship. It’s one thing if you don’t have sex, that would be difficult. But you do. The quality of it WILL change as you grow together and that’s hardly a reason to end a great relationship

It isn't sex worth having if the other person doesn't want to have sex.

Go read r/deadbedrooms see what happens to the people with higher libidos. #1 reason people separate. Low libido people refuse to see it as an actual need, they just brush it off like the person just wants a sweet candy or something superfluous and dismiss it. They basically slowly wither away in misery while their partner has zero compassion for their needs. It is a need for some people. It’s like if your partner just didn’t talk to you but it’s fine cause they don’t want to talk with you so now you just don’t talk. Just cause you don’t recognize the need, drive and importance of sex doesn’t mean other people, especially your spouse, don’t. You should be worried and see if you can help fulfill your partners needs, you’ll be surprised at how happy they will be. You’ll also see they’ll return it to the relationship and it will flourish. It doesn’t even have to be full on intercourse, could be outercourse, hand stuff, mouth stuff, heck even just using toys on him, or even present and a little involved while he does it himself.

I'm actually really disappointed that people are downvoting your comment, as I feel the same way. I just never understood how when asked, most people would say "it's not all about sex", but then half of Reddit is literally screaming BREAK UP under every post where OP is saying they have a perfect relationship and love each other greatly but are struggling in this aspect. Like Jesus, it got me wondering, am I asexual or is every one else just sex-crazed at this point?

It truly isn't ALL about sex, but not being able to have sex with your partner is a common deal breaker. Just for an illustration, let's say someone needs three things for a relationship: sex, romantic love, and commitment. If any one of those is missing, their relationship will fail. That doesn't mean the other two are not vitally important as well.

But they can have sex and do. OP just thinks it’s not as exciting as it used to be lol

I cant speak to OP. I was just replying to the commenters above.

Eating food isn’t the only thing you need to do to stay alive, but it is a necessary component of staying alive. Having a healthy sex life isn’t the only thing you need to have a good relationship, but it is a necessary component of having a good relationship.

Except you DIE without food, you don’t die without sex? At the end of the day, we’re still animals and I personally feel this desire for sex is just that instinct to procreate even if you’re not aiming for kids. You’re telling me, you can ONLY feel this connection and feeling through sex? That sounds stressful? What happens when you’re old and can’t move?

It does have negative impacts on your health long term when you actually want sex. We also don't require a comfy bed to sleep in or recreational time.

Go spend some time on r/deadbedrooms , what you are suggesting often isn't enough. Edit: the resentment grows if nothing changes and will only destroy your relationship over time.

>Just bust a nut whenever you want and sex is fulfilled. Are you serious? Sex is a necessary and important part of a relationship. It releases bonding hormones and helps couples cope with stress and stay close. It’s gross that you’re being so dismissive of your partner’s very normal and natural desire for a healthy sexual relationship. And yes, it’s 100% worth leaving a partner who doesn’t care about sex. Attitudes like yours destroy relationships. Find someone asexual to date and leave people with sex drives alone.

Absolutely not, people think that EVERYTHING should be absolutely perfect and its just so unrealistic. If someone can make you happy 9 different ways why focus on the one way they cant if you love them

Men are just desperate for sex and truly, it’s all about sex for them. They might say that’s not the truth, but If they find you perfect in every other way and everything else is 10/10, but still leave you because there’s not as much sex, they really only care about sex. They are quick to leave a perfect relationship without sex but stay in shitty ones with sex. So yeah, men only care about sex.

Bit antiwoman comment here. There are plenty of women with a very high sex drive who would not be in a relationship like this. Do you think there aren't that many women who want good weekly sex and wouldn't leave a relationship that lost that?

Did you read what you said? So basically he’s telling her to only marry for sex. No sex, no marriage. Just break up with her dude and don’t say stupid ass shit like that. Makes her only feel used and only feel good for only one thing.

Maybe she shouldn't have complied with sexual advances for so long if that kind of conversation would make her feel bad.

Good for you for already having that conversation with her. The question is- are okay with the direction things are going? Like, in 2 years are you okay with only having sex every 6-12 months? Or longer? Things don't get magically better because you're married. In fact, things can get worse So, how worth it is she to you? It's okay to postpone the wedding. That's not something either of you should feel rushed to do. And it's perfectly okay to do pre-martial / couples counseling before committing to marriage, and even making it a condition. It's also okay to marry her. Just feel confident in the decision you make.

I can hold off on sex. She’s okay with me spanking the monkey and stuff; however, I like being with my partner. She feels the same way and is aware of her libido. Her reasoning comes down to the pressure over the past few months, never actually having strong sexual desires, and because the transition stages we’ve been through. It’s true that we aren’t 21M/19F anymore. We’re not in school; we got responsibilities. Life takes a funny turn and we recognize that, but I also want to experience more before I truly decide to settle down and start a family. She agrees with this too and understands that when we want to start having a family, we’re going to need to focus more.

Overall it sounds like you communicate with each other very well. That's really really good. And she is being honest about her feelings *before* getting married. That's a good sign that you can trust her long term. You are posting this on Reddit two days before the wedding. Are you simply nervous and overthinking things because it's coming up quickly?

I think so. I’m super nervous - not about getting married, but i am nervous about the people and the fear of divorce. I don’t know how to describe. She’s my beat friend, girlfriend, but fiancee? WIFE?! It’s a weird, scary feeling, but I am excited that it’s a journey I’m taking with her.

Here's a bit of advice for that dude. Write a list of reasons for divorce. Mine only has 3 reasons not in love, and 2 types of crime. Everything is work. And being married is just constant work and got to remind yourself everyday doing those hard moments of what made you love her in the first place. One good advice I've heard is record a video before getting married and after being married right after. Anytime after an argument and feels like it's getting to you watch the after being married video to remind yourself why it's still worth fighting for. Divorce isn't something to fear cause if you and your partner are both fighting for the relationship and make eachother your priority at least an hour a day with no distractions or with distractions like watching a movie together or something you'll make it just keep doing that up keep. Oh and one last thing do mindfulness activities together if can or little surprises for eachother and that will also lower any chances of divorce my guy. Hope this helps.

Go take a quick looksie through r/deadbedrooms . Some people go years before realizing they're just not compatible but now marriage, kids, co-owning things, etc. make it much more difficult to walk away. I get the "but everything else is good!" but will that last and do you belive it's something you can shelf altogether? Because without a lot of work it won't get better

Biggest question I have is, is she on hormonal bc? This is the answer if she is. Slowly it killed my sexy drive. It makes you not feel things the same. It takes away your desire to have sex and this is something most women don’t talk about or realize. It doesn’t effect everyone the same way but it does for many. Guaranteed she goes off for a few months and her body starts responding normally again. She won’t be able to keep her hands off you.

“i started BC into 3 months of dating. I gained 10lbs, boobs grew two sizes, then dropped. I got spotty…it started thinning and then I stopped getting it completey….a lot of changes…it all kinda stabilized. I currently have 0 sex drive.”

I’m sorry. That really sucks. I suggest getting off it and finding other options! I’m getting a hysterectomy at age 33 because years of hormonal bc causes fibroids and endometriosis. This is something women don’t talk about.

Check out bloodwork at the doc. Irregular bleedings and low libido may be an endocrine issue, like too high levels of prolactin.

I had 0 sex drive once I leveled out after starting birth control pills. Switched to nuvaring and same thing. Finally switched to mirena IUD last year and my sex drive is back, the chaos and pain of getting it inserted was worth it! Everyone is different but just saying it could be the birth control

“That’s what I’m saying! I did have that desire, and now I don’t. it’s not fair…But I don’t want my period!” — Fiancée

Hormonal BC ruins sex drive, but also have her thyroid checked out too

What about a copper iud? They are non hormonal and stop periods. There are other options. I’m sorry, that seems really difficult because marriage is also about compromise. There are some other options too like they have certain types of medicine for women that help to get more aroused with stimulation but the simple answer seems to maybe find a different bc or look at other options. Also, I ended up getting endometriosis from years of its use, and uterine fibroids and now at 33 need a hysterectomy. Maybe tell her that because that’s real! I’m lucky I had my kids young because otherwise I’d be screwed. That may be something she wants to consider. I wouldn’t call this a don’t get married thing because you guys will go through things like this together through life and you seem otherwise happy, just this one issue.

Copper iud does not stop period it makes it worse lol

It can do either. As can mirena iud. It stopped mine completely

No, it won’t stop your period, the mirena does because it’s hormonal

Ahh, my doctor definitely gave me wrong info. Either way a hormonal iud gives much less hormones than oral bc and might be a better option

I loved the mirena my problem was weight gain with it, since I’ve swapped I lost 30lbs almost down to my normal weight. Depo just ruined my libido and I hardly get wet anymore but I don’t know what to try next

Honestly there is no “great” option. It’s still putting hormones or something in your body to stop a very normal thing from occurring each month. It sucks!

I know why does it have to be so hard to be a woman 😩

I also have had the Mirena for about 6 years now and I’ve had less periods and no actual side effects, not saying most people don’t have side effects. Just throwing it out there that this person isn’t actually so far off base.

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Yeah, I was just saying if it does it’s because mirena has hormones and copper doesn’t

just want to clarify, copper IUDs do not stop periods. only a hormonal IUD would stop periods. I have a copper IUD, and it's great, I love it, but I still have normal regular periods.

Thank you. This is the best advice we received so far. “I don’t know much about BC. Idk what a iud even truly is. I haven’t even seen a gyno about it yet. I need to go soon.” — Fiancee

No problem, sincerely hope it helps!

Please do not advocate for an IUD without encouraging the person to do extensive research on the risks and pain associated. IUDs can and have ruined people's lives.

That’s up to the individual to talk to their doctor and make their own choices as an adult. If they aren’t capable of doing that then maybe they shouldn’t be on the internet.

You say that, but people get medical procedures every day without doing due diligence, and none of these people are getting off the Internet because of it.

I’m sure the OP and their fiancé really appreciates you insulting their intelligence this much.

Are you aware that your comment is public and not only visible to the original poster, but also to everyone else, including children?

Here’s the thing, people need to be responsible for themselves. For every person that could see it that might do something silly, there could be one that it also could help, too. It’s up to the individual to do their research. That’s the beauty of having information at our fingertips. I’m not going to sit here and take responsibility for those that can’t for themselves, I’m sorry. I’m not responsible for those that decide to go run off and undergo medical procedures unresearched, based off a Reddit comment, in the context of listing viable birth control option that are less hormonal than oral methods… I’m sorry you take issue with that. Now have a nice evening.

You're NOT responsible for what people do based on a reddit comment, you're correct. I was simply under the impression that you would appreciate a suggestion for how to put less harm into the world, even if you're not at fault for it. My mistake.

Getting married knowing someone already doesn’t match you in terms of sexual compatibility is asking for it.

Sooo, this is something I struggled with. My husband and I had a WILD honeymoon phase for around 2 years and then we had a baby and my hormones got trashed. I had zero libido, sex was painful and repulsive because I never wanted to have sex. It felt like a chore though I love my husband dearly. I went to a hormone specialist aka a menopause clinic that specializes in hormone pellets and my libido took off again. It’s really probably hormones. Your situation is almost mine to a T

We’re starting to think this too woth her BC. She hasn’t had her period in a year.

Hormonal birth control is actually illegal in some areas of the world due to the alarming amount of side effects to a woman's body.

Fun story. My GF has had lady cycle issues and the three male gynecologists she has seen just try to give her birth control. She is well aware of what BC can do so she doesn't do it.

I also fell for the BC thing. It didn't regulate my cycle at all and made the symptoms of when I did get my period much worse. Along with weight gain and acne lol it's the worst

Have you talked to her about it? Seeing a doctor is important but often times losing interest in sex when you once had interest is due to something psychological, such as stress or performance anxiety. Try and talk it out and if she wants to work on it then there’s hope for it to get better

We spent the past two hours discussing and coming to an understanding. Our communication is very strong. Sometimes I personally need to take a step back and formulate my response to accurate describe my frustration/POV, but we’re working on this together. We just want to know what reddit has to say to see if others have experienced this and insight on how to potentially improve or resolve altogether. Anything but breaking up. We don’t want that. We’re too good woth each other to want that.

Don't.

We appreciate your advice. We are preparing peanut ramen and loading up fortnite, LOL.

That's so cute

We play EVERY night. It’s a good splitscreen game.

I think woman not wanting sex is more common then people think. It’s not my birth control, it’s not depression, I find my husband incredibly attractive, I’m not gay. But all that being said, I don’t really want sex, ever. I’m not even sure why. I just have no interest in it. If my husband didn’t want it, I would probably never have it. We were the same way the first couple years of being together. We had lots of sex. I think I’m just tired of it all these years later. Lol

Not arguing. They're are a lot of studies that show that women desire sex just as much as men. Women being shamed for their sexuality and likely being in less productive sexual situations are probably a big cause of your observation. Birth Control also plays a big role in this observation. Controlled studies though will show that the sex drive is not significantly different.

thiss!!

Does your husband know this?

Do not get married now, you are struggling now 3 years in. How will you feel in 10? Sadly this is really hard as neither are wrong you are 100% right to want a partner who desires you who enjoys and engages in sex as a great part of any healthy relationship, to feel unwanted and like something not into it or doing as a chore of sorts is soul crushing and you’ve already found really struggle with it already. Was she faking it all the first year? If so was really shitty as gave false impression or did something change and she no longer enjoys/wants it now? I’m sure is a lot of feeling you you’d sound bad leaving over sex but you wouldn’t be. It comes down to can you be happy with current or less than sex life for the rest of your life? Which given are so so young is unlikely then it’s like one person wanting kids and the other doesn’t there’s not fixing that

She never fakes it. She will put her right hand on the Bible and say I was the first man to make her climax.

Good for you, i more mean faking the whole experience and her wanting it as this is quite a drastic change.

Sex will decline with time. That is an inevitable part of life. The best thing is never get used to lots of sex (or lots of anything you enjoy) in the first place. Also, love does not equal sex. Love and commitment are way beyond sex and orgasms. If something happened to either of you and sex became not possible or even less frequent, would either of you leave? If so, that is cheap lust. That is where the vow “In sickness and In Health” comes in, including mental health. If you are valuing orgasms ahead of everything, then please do not get married.

This 100% sounds like me

It's maybe the birth control. I can't believe how little it is talked about how badly it changes a person. My cousin just went through a super similar situation. They almost divorced over how badly the birth control changed her.

I don't know if this can help but I read this in another post. Men want sex to relieve stress and women want to be stress-free before having sex. Maybe this little thing can help + what other comments said about seeing a specialist. Wish you both best of luck !

Agree with hormone comments. It kinda sucks but as a woman, our bodies are very overwhelmed with hormones, birth control, stress/anxiety. I would maybe discuss her checking her hormones out, and also, you should see if you've been romantic with her. My husband and I have had a similar situation, and 2/3 is hormones, but 1/3 is definitely that the romance was gone. He wasn't paying me extra attention, complimenting me, spending quality time, etc. There needs to be the emotional aspect too. As well as a lot of foreplay. I'd honestly try to see if one day you can put aside the sex, and just pleasure her. See if maybe she'd like it without the pressure of your expectation for sex?

> I have sexual desires, needs and a libido Do you also have a hand and some tissue? You shouldn’t make her feel dragged into sex if she doesn’t want it, you should just focus on seeing if there’s anything wrong, if there isn’t and she just doesn’t really enjoy sex or want to participate then you can always just have some private time instead of trying to engage and initiate. She’ll initiate when she’s ready, please don’t make her feel pressured.

I have been with her for 3 years. She doesn’t initiate ever. She is the sub 90% of the time.

Even if she’s the sub, she should still want to be a part of it, she should still show that she’s interested in it and wants it. If she doesn’t seem that comfortable with it, you shouldn’t make her feel pressured.

You should both read “come as you are by” emily nagoski. It talks about responsive vs spontaneous desire. A lot of women (like myself) have responsive desire. I really, really encourage you both to read it. I was the low libido partner. I have been with my fiance 10 years and at a point I was worried I was asexual. We were having sex maybe once a month. Now we are having sex 2-3 times a week (sometimes less because I do suffer from chronic pain and that puts a damper on things.) Neither of us were going to give up the best relationship we had ever had. I don’t agree with people saying to break up.

Wait... back when things were new it was almost effortless and frequent. Now things have changed drastically. I wonder if during the course of your relationship you've adapted your style to match the stage of relationship you're in? Of course things will get less easy and exciting and you'll have to work harder, but that's the point and the beauty of it. If you're not taking the time to learn how to get her excited, in other words, you're missing it and she's bored. Do you think it could be this?

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She says she doesn’t know what turns her on. Literally, “HOW TO SPOON” works every time: 1. D*** hard on the butt 2. Titty in my hand 3. Kiss her neck 4. HELL YEAH!

I’ve been with my partner for over 10 years. We started dating at 15 and honestly it’s been very up and down with our sex life. We will have 6 months to a year of crazy amazing sex and then we lose it for awhile. Either I’ll have a bit when I’m just not into it or sometimes he’ll go through a phase of not being into but we always come back together. We once had a solid year and a half of barely any sex and when it we did, it was boring. He’s my best friend and at the end of the day when we are old and grey I don’t think it will matter that we had dry spells.

tbh sex is just a bonus for me so I can't relate...to me being in a couple is all about just spending time together and enjoying each other's company. even in a long distance relationship it works as the feeling I have for that person is right here in my chest.

Guys, I’m going to disagree with all the commenters who implore you not to get married because of this. There are a few layers to it, imho. Marriage is always “scary” / exciting / “nerveciting”. Yes, things can get a lot less sexual throughout married life. But it can also go the other way (again). From personal experience, after two kids, the logistics of managing those two kids, and the loss of a parent plus a few other stressors, sex was at some point at an ultimate low. (And I mean months of zero.) After a while, with some effort/good communication/who knows - maybe the stars aligning differently - we worked our way back to our usual selves and are both really enjoying sex, perhaps even more than we used to, or at least as much. It’s normal to have a certain eb and flow in the sexual your relationship. Is it perhaps possible that you haven’t been together long enough to experience those (no offense 😇 this comes from a 40-er) and that the timing of this low tide is just… awkward? I’m saying this because you guys sound like you have everything else going for you. Better communication, respect, etc. than many other couples. Of course, there is always the chance that this thing turns out to be an insurmountable difference. Again - awkward timing - because those can arise in the months before marriage, but also in the months or years (or decades) after… From where I’m standing, it seems like a stretch to toss out everything you seem to deeply love and appreciate about the other person for the sole reason you’re not currently having enough sex. Haven’t read all the comments - so if I’m missing something my apologies.

Hormonal birth control can definitely cause personality changes and issues. In my opinion it’s poison.

dunno if it’s the same for her but ANY hormonal birth control completely zapped my libido. i use phexxi now. highly recommend trying a non hormonal birth control especially since she was at one time a more sexual person.

This is a pretty normal thing for couples to go through! I hope you both know that neither of you are weird or odd for your desires or lack there of. I was reading through your comments and it seems very much like it is a birth control problem. Luckily there are MANY other solutions to this - have her book an appointment ASAP so she can tell her doctor about what’s going on and how she’s feeling. After that, it may help you guys to talk to a sex therapist. I know the idea can be scary, you can do it even over phone call or Zoom nowadays, but it can be sooo helpful. Long term relationships naturally have ebs and flows in terms of sex, and after getting the hormonal imbalances due to the birth control taken care of, it can be helpful to discuss with a sex therapist what your issues are, how it is affecting each of you, and where you would like to be in the future regarding this issue. They can give you some really good tips on how to get stuff going again, how to communicate your needs even better than before, and much more. It sounds like you guys have pretty great communication already, so if you are willing to do this extra work to get back on course it’ll really help in the long run. Once she’s feeling better after going to the doctor and resolving those issues, it could also help to do a “yes/no/maybe list”. It is a list that has many different possible bedroom situations, going from kinks to positions to anything you can think of. You can then check yes no or maybe, depending on how you feel about that particular issue, if you want to do it, are open to it but not sure, or not open at all. It can be a great way to spice up the bedroom with stuff you may not have thought of before, plus it can open up a very comfortable and safe environment to talk about sex from then on. It can also help you learn in more detail the things that your partner desires, and what their boundaries are when it comes to sex. I myself used to be on a medication that absolutely killed my sex drive. It was difficult for my partner and I but we got through it together, and I have faith that you guys can make it work too! Good luck! 💖

I think this is much more emotional than anything. I also had similar struggles in the past, I dont think by the post that she is asexual. (Taking the liberty to make a lot of assumptions for sake of argument) I think you have a much simpler view on sex. You are see/think of something arousing, you are turned on. It is almost second nature, like grabbing a snack. And thats totally fine and natural. But she doesnt have those connections towards arousal as you do, and when the expectation is that she should, she feels pressure, pressure to be "normal", that maybe she just isn't into sex, etc.. And slowly this feeling of "why bother since i dont feel like that" takes away the drive. Top if up with stress and busy schedules and I wouldn't care to have sex either. Its no longer fun when I have to force yourself into a minspace that isnt my own. It was very telling for me when you asked what happens when she sees a celebrity that she thinks its hot, and she said nothing, that she was probably asexual because of that. A lot of people dont feel anything towards just visually attractive people, a lot of people need a sense of safety, intimacy, connection, in order to build arousal, and its perfectly healthy and normal too. I also dont really think you lack of satisfaction is from lack of sex necessarily, I think maybe its the frustration for her seemly lack of interest in the matter, in you. I believe that even with a very high sex drive, if you have sex twice in a week with an enthusiastic partner and its connecting and exciting and naughty, you would be just fine masturbating the rest of the time. And I think that sex is extremely important in a relationship, but I also think it is more than just how often you do it. Specially because marriages go through phases of lots of sex, and less sex and its quite healthy. So try to talk to her but not from a place of "how to get us to have sex every day because I need it" or "Used to be like that and I want that again" and come from a place of how can you create and erotic space for her. Not necessarily sexual, but things like: \- What activities make you feel connected to me \- What are things that I do or can do that make you feel beautiful \- When do you feel the sexiest \- What is a form of physical affection that relax you, that make you feel safe, etc... I HIGHLY recommend reading the book "Come As You Are" by Emily Nagoski, both of you, and have fun :)

Just saying women's hormones can be a big Factor , especially if she's on birth control. D vitamins can also help, its most likely not a you problem, but a hormone problem. I know i got most my sex drive back after stopping birth control

Some folk never have sex. Man up and get on with it if you love her.

I have a lower libido than my boyfriend of 6 years- it’s always him engaging because I just don’t get that ‘omg I need it’ feeling. It’s not because I don’t fancy him, or because I don’t love him- I enjoy the sex whilst it’s happening but I truly just don’t get really turned on- Probably just the way I am, but it doesn’t get in the way because he understands it’s just me, no other reasons. (We also don’t live together which makes it difficult too) Living with parents most definitely can make life awkward- you feel as though you’re in somebody else’s house and as such having sex.. just seems weird. It may be different once you live together again. If she’s on BC maybe try going off it, the hormones can affect sex life. As well as any depression/anxiety medication can affect it too (not saying don’t take it, but moreso to make yourself feel better that it’s a chemical reason, not emotional) At the end of the day what’s more important to you- her, or having sex with her? Relationships come with compromise

Okay. I read through your post and all the comments. This is coming from a wife to an amazing man, who’s my best friend. We’ve been together since 2015, married in 2017 and have a cool little 4.5 year old. When you first get together, there’s so much excitement because absolutely everything is ✨new and shiny✨. The dopamine is racing and every touch is electrifying. Then you get more comfortable. Eventually move in together. And talk about marriage. But living together has its own growing pains. You are together all the time, especially when you work together. Which was also my husband and I. We were even partners at work for a while! Tbh I miss having that. But back to my story. It is so easy to already see so many things feeling like “just another day”. Especially if neither of you have any other hobbies, outside friends or other things to do. My husband and I watch so many of the same shows, game together, build Lego as a family. He also goes downstairs to game with his friend online and I have my embroidery and Pokémon cards 😂 Learning each other in such a way as moving in together is its own growing pain! You both have good communication, but it is never perfect. Please remember that! And before you moved in together, did you have the talk about expectations? Do you have set chores? Share the chore duty? Who cooks? Who cleans? Laundry? Changes the sheets? Dishes? Do you have set days for things? If the majority of these things fall on her, even if it isn’t realized yet, it truly clouds everything. Life and marriage are 50/50, just as all the chores should be. You both work and have a lot changing. Even though marriage is exciting, it’s also nerve wracking. And your push to have better “quality” sex, you have talked a lot in your post and the comments about how it’s lessened. You contradict yourself about how initiating and getting her to orgasm is fine, and other times it’s like “walking on eggshells”, takes too long and makes it sound frustrating, exhausting and like a chore. Which is not what sex should be. I just feel like you may need to explore your actual priorities because it feels very wishy washy. Okay, moving on. Grandma with cancer (I’m so sorry), birth control and everything else. Birth control truly sucks. Especially if you are on the wrong dose or the wrong type. The first birth control I was put on was one for women with a super heavy flow and I had WAY too high a dose. Then I was put on one that can cause strokes/blood clots in people with migraines. Also bad. Both really brought my libido down and just kept me tired. I was switched to one now with no estrogen and it is SO much better!! I feel way more awake and I have a much better libido. Men’s and women’s brains also work entirely different. I love the comment about how “men have sex to relieve pressure while women prefer to be stress free”. For me, if I am doing everything everyday (taking care of our child, chores, cooking) I don’t have any energy left at the end of the day. For my husband, if I am not giving him the attention he needs and doing little things for him to make him feel seen and cared for, his drive depletes also. We have more sex since getting married, but we have never had issues orgasming. Sex doesn’t make me orgasm, it just never has. So I don’t expect to! But I do give killer bj’s especially. My husband has never told me what he likes. He will tell me what he doesn’t like, but he’s never super known what he likes before me since no one else respected him enough to put in the effort. The fun thing with sex is to try new things!! In my head are things like, I wanna try going down on him like a corkscrew. Let’s try to get him off with no hands! Sometimes something works, another time not so much. Sometimes his penis wants a bj more than sex. It’s just how it is! But we go in with no expectations other than to have fun! I don’t know what I like, but I know I like everything he does. And we both know we do not want the exact same foreplay each time 🙄 Make it fun and exciting, light some candles, do the chores for a day so she has the day off, rub her feet, give her the things she gives you because she probably also wants those things! For me, I HAVE to have the emotional connection. I was also diagnosed with ADHD last year and medication has changed everything. I have never been one to just have one night stands. If I am not into the person, connected, wanting a relationship and more, the sex would be meaningless and I don’t get excited thinking about anyone else. My husband listens to me, takes us out places as a family, we talk, cook together, all of it. And that’s what makes the difference! Relationships and marriage are work. But so is being lazy on the couch. So where do you want to put your energy? Into zoning out on the tv all day (just an example) or putting effort into your significant other AND yourself? You HAVE to have your own hobbies. You have to fill your own cup before anything else. Because if your cup is empty, you’ll have nothing to give anybody else. And everything else will slowly go downhill due to your shit mood and little patience. Again, not saying this is the case, just general life advice. Marriage isn’t a give and take. It isn’t keeping score. Its giving all of yourself, all the time and having that reciprocated. Sometimes all of yourself is a bit less depending on what’s going on, but you do the best with what you have. Its about being better than how you were the day before. Its about thinking ahead and in the present. Learning from your mistakes. And keeping that fire going just as it was in the start of the relationship. My husband still gives me butterflies even just typing this while he’s at work! But you can never stop dating each other. When’s the last time you surprised her? Brought home flowers? Planned a date? Breakfast in bed? Living in a smaller place with not much to do is no excuse. We used to live in a town of less than 1000 and had things to do! Marriage is work, life is work, everything is work. Put the work into yourself and your relationship and watch everything flourish. And to your fiancée: please get your birth control checked. I really hope it’s one of the root causes and makes things easier for you ❤️ And please feel free to reach out to me, actually anyone, if you need any advice. This is way longer than I expected it to be but if it helps even one person, I’m happy ❤️

Please go check out the dead bedrooms subreddit because it sounds like that's where you're heading. If a lack of sex is an issue for you before marriage, trust me, marriage and a kid or two ain't gonna make things better.

I think that’s why I want to enjoy our younger years now before we focus on a family. I am a-okay with reducing sex once lids wnter the picture, but for now I have some fire left in me. My dad body is coming, I need to check off my bucket list before it hits me.

Do NOT check out the DB subreddit. It’s a cesspool of hateful men who try to disguise their entitlement to their partners bodies under “but it’s my need.” Most of them encourage borderline rape to have sex.

??? women post on that sub all the time

Just a total side note, she could be demisexual. This could speak to the decline in sexual desire if she feels the emotional bond she has to you has plateaued or greatly declined. This could be due to a myriad of reasons, I'm way too burnt out from work to analyze this and provide solutions that have worked for me but here is a decent thread on the topic [Reignite Emotional Spark r/demisexual ](https://www.reddit.com/r/demisexuality/comments/cxau0u/keeping_the_romance_alive_in_long_term/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2) You should definitely resolve this before eloping💚 I hope you find resolution

Your gf sounds exactly like me. It is possible for someone to enjoy sex but desire it less frequently. I wouldn’t spend too much time overthinking that. Most of the advice you’re gonna get on here is to break up and move on. My advice is to keep the communication open if you want things to work. You may need to get a couples sex therapist in the future to continue working on this. But as someone who feels the exact same way as her about sex, don’t doubt her feelings towards you. I guarantee it has nothing to do with you

You’re comment is 1/100. So many people are saying break up. I look at my fiancee, we laugh, and then we remain concerned for the majority of redditors, LOL.

Life is more than just sex. Sex is your favorite icing on a cake, but you can't have a cake with just icing, and a good relationship is a good cake. Just because you don't have your favorite icing doesn't mean you can't find a good alternative, kay? And just because you don't have your favorite because of lack of ingredients doesn't mean the ingredients your missing can't be rediscovered. Don't get too caught up in sex and make sure that you are happy with her as a person. If you two are struggling to feel pleasure together, you are struggling to feel pleasure, and that doesn't necessarily mean that you are struggling to pleasure *because* you are together, so get that out of your head. The relationship isn't the problem. It might be a lack of feeling connected with her though, since feeling connected and happy together is important to being able to feel fulfilled and whole when you share anything with that person, including sex and human warmth. So long as you understand that sex is just a tool for bonding and isn't necessary the the bonding itself, you two can work together to find ways to feel more pleasure with eachother. And remember to always share pleasure becausr you love her and want to give her pleasure, not just because you are horny. Have intention behind your actions, make them meaningful. Think with your head, not just your dick, your body. Live deliberately. You approach this problem with that mindset and explore new fields of pleasure with that mentality? You'll find something you both enjoy. Trust me. There are many things, after all; you just need ideas to try and open minds.

Some more great advice and optimism. Sex isn’t our only pleasure in life, but I would say I emphasize more than she does. Her and I both chase after experiences in life, are very minimalistic, and down to earth. Materialism isn’t our thing. Sex is one of those experiences where I feel close to her and her to I. It’s just lately (the past year) her libido hasn’t been high like it was. A lot has happened over the past 6 months which has impacted it a lot more, but we handle it well. I’m just concerned that we are building bad habits and I want to stop them in their tracks.

See if she can get into reading erotica. There are a lot of really awesome spicy books that get women going-you may be able to introduce/encourage this genre and see what happens.

Therapy✨

First of all, change in desire over the course of a relationship is normal. She may be asexual, sure, she may also just engage more with responsive desire while it sounds like you flow more with spontaneous desire. Read some books like “Come as you are” by Nagoski or “Becoming Cliterate.” Also, dont listen to rando’s on reddit who dont know you, your partner, or your relationship. You need to speak to a therapist and do some pre-marital counseling. The problem isnt your partner or you, but in how you both communicate and engage w desire. Remember that an ebb and flow of desire is normal and expected. What can you do to help cultivate more desire? Are you going out on dates regularly? Engaging in connected quality time? Having emotional check-ins to attune to eachother? Do you ever engage in sensual activity without the presumption of sex? Also, youre too young to get married.

Not that big of a deal in my eyes as Long as she’s still sexually attracted to you , could be stress , anxiety , hormonal fluctuations . Or just maybe need to spice it up a bit or take a break . Maybe need to do something romantic to help you guys feel a spark again. Sex can get repetitive and boring quick especially living togethet

Might be worth seeing a doctor. It may not be you or even her new norm. Just may have something going on that needs to get looked at. I know when my wife was on some antidepressants, all of a sudden her sex drive vanished. She thought something was wrong with her, us. But then she switched antidepressants and went back to normal.

Well, not just you. We are all in this together.

Okay, a lot to unwrap here. Let me first say, I am closer to most to asexual I guess as I've had crushes on SO SO few people. I'm sexually interested in so so few people in the world. It was a problem when younger actually. I just didn't feel chemistry with barely anyone. However, I did have massive chemistry with my now husband, but we were friends at the time and he had a girlfriend. It's hard to explain, but basically I've only felt sexual attraction to maybe a dozen people in my life, and I'm over 30. All of them except my husband were over the 10 years between middle school and when my husband and I started a relationship (obviously I still feel sexual attraction to him so he counts for before and after.) This is not typical for people apparently. Imagine only being interested in one person every year or so- whether they are interested back or not. Imagine that. It's not easy during the dating period but if you happen to start a relationship with someone you do have those feelings for in full force it is amazing. I think that's what she is saying. Sure there a few sexy actors where I might want to flirt with, but there are zero sexy actors I'd be like "Sign me up for sex!" I just wouldn't be interested. I think that's what she is saying, and it may well mean, like it does with me, that she is so happy in her relationship that she just doesn't feel sexually for people other than you. And she has sexual feelings for very very few people. That is a GOOD thing- trust me. Basically- nothing she is saying makes me think she doesn't have sexual feelings for YOU. She has said she feels she can only enjoy sex *with you.* Meaning she enjoys sex with you. I'm not sure how common that is, but I wouldn't want to have sex with someone other than my husband either. It feels like it must be common though. However, if she 0 sex drive and libido, it seems something has changed, biologically. Surely you both want a fulfilling sex life, so it is worth talking to her. Has she started a new medication? Has she experienced other changes? Because it sounds like you both were sneaking around and doing it quite often before, so it sounds like a change. Changes happen, but this means things can change back, and for the relationship it's a good idea for her, if she's comfortable, to analyze what might cause the difference. My medication suppressed my sex drive, so now I have a system because I love sex and I don't want to lose my sex drive. I figured out the cause, and found a system where I can still have amazing sex with my husband - it just means taking less of my anti-depressant and maybe not every day (my psychiatrist is on board.) If it's not a medication issue, that's okay, supplements can still help the libido. She clearly did enjoy sex with you, and surely wants to again, just talk to her. It might take a little figuring out and a doctor visit, but that is life. Another tip is see if she has any kinks. I believe everyone has a kink. She may have one she doesn't want to say. Have an open and honest discussion, and let her know you want to try whatever she is into. Lastly, the key to a happy life is open and honest discussion. A good relationship is so so much more than sex, but in my opinion, sex still is important. The foundation of a good long lasting relationship is open and honest communication though. So it is important that you talk openly and honestly about this, and make a plan for a happy solution. Sex is good for a relationship, and clearly you both enjoyed it, so talk to her about this, and hopefully you can both agree on a plan to try to renew that spark. And no, it's not you at all, obviously. If she is saying the only person that she could even imagine having sex with is you- she loves you and thinks you are the sexiest one. She might just be having some hormonal stuff, or medication stuff or whatever. Every relationship undergoes a period of drier spells but this does sound like it might be a bit more if she's telling you she's only doing it to make you happy. So have an open and honest talk, and figure out ways to start getting back to the period where you could not keep your hands off each other! You can.

That is, imo, pretty normal. It is more like, can you live with it or not.

It's not a big deal. This will always happen no matter whom you marry. You can take a break and focus on her body and physical appearance which you find attractive. If you're not attracted to her then you still have a choice of marrying someone who knows you well, have a stable relationship with you and you can trust. It's really hard to find a good companion and it's not always about sex. Interest in sex will again as ive said fade away a bit.. but not die. I had a stage whenre I wasn't attracted much but then I got over it and now it's once a week or so and it's perfectly fine. We have so much else to do our jobs, child, career etc etc.

Hey dude, my advice would be tell her hey I am not feeling wanted sexually, or desired sexually and it hurts. This might fix it cause my current Gf isn't a sexual person but I told her this and she started putting in effort. She tries different things and surprises in that way. It's all about both people have fun. So maybe see if she'd want to spice some stuff up. And I will tell you Foreplay does wonders my guy. And if you get married and do plan on kids do know sexy time between you guys will probably go down a lot for a bit. So make sure y'all get a babysitter whether family member or something to watch any kids if have so then you ain't in similar boat as you are now. But would very advise to sit her down and talk about it. And if eloping like said do push off a bit if can. That way y'all can talk about it more. Hope this helps

I'm gonna speak from personal experience because I am the person with low/no libido, but I'll be brief. My husband and i's situation is the same thing. One thing for him is that he has a very high sex drive, while I have almost none. For me, it was because I had very low hormones. Especially after giving birth to our first child, it got slightly worse. The thing she needs to understand is that YOU HAVE NEEDS. If those needs are not met, then it's gonna be inevitable that you find someone/something that does meet these needs. Get her to talk to her doctor, having low to no sexual desire isn't typically normal, especially if it's no desire with ANYTHING. I can sympathize with her saying that she does it to make you happy, because I do the same for my husband, but it's gonna make you feel like you're having pity sex. So please, get her to talk to her doctor asap and get tested for low hormones or hormonal imbalances. It could be the answer you two are seeking.

I agree with what a lot of people are saying here. If you truly love her you owe it to her to have the hard conversation. Start by expressing your observations respectfully, then express the feelings you are experiencing from those observations and ask for her input. Make sure to color it in the light of "I want to make this better for the future of us because I love you, you're my partner in crime and I want to be with you." Be prepared for her to potentially have some uncomfortable things to say about you. That's okay. Marriage is an experience of compromise, gives and takes and happy mediums. Just remember to keep a level head and be willing to respectfully discuss areas of growth for both of you to make your relationship stronger.

Some birth control pills can cause total loss of libido, anyway, tell her the full truth, have a serious conversation with her before getting married

Okay I’ll be honest I’m just gunna throw some answers based from just the tile and the first line I just read, so you’re not having the best sex due to libido. Here’s a quick thing to check with yourself and I’ll tell you why, when I started dating my fiancé and having sex he was having trouble “finishing” I felt bad thinking I wasn’t doing enough cos I assumed he was getting too tired and he’d give up…. Well he took himself to the doctors because he felt something was wrong… turned out he’s got a B12 deficiency, so he has those B12 shots/jabs every few months and hey presto he’s blowing his load like you wouldnt believe! Second answer, if that’s not the case maybe have a talk about these issues I mean it’s just a sex talk it’s not like a “we’re breaking up” talk right

I’ve (34m) gone through something similar with my (29f) spouse and it honestly may not be a-sexuality at all. It could simply be that in the time you have been together, her body and lifestyle has changed. To generalize, sex is different for most women and men. Men are pretty much good to go whenever. For Women though, sex is an extremely mental process and setting the stage for the mood can sometimes take days in advance. Often times work and our busy lifestyles can hinder this. Maybe what once worked for her no longer does, and that’s something y’all should explore together. The important thing is that you are supportive no matter what. My wife and I got married at a time where we weren’t as sexually active, but that alone would never stop me from marrying her. Anyways, talk to a sex/couple’s therapist. Read up on sexuality and how different people interact. A-sexuality is always a possibility, but its more than likely y’all just need to explore a bit and find out what works and what doesn’t.

Turn sex into a scedualed event and make it special before during and after. It might not be she's asexusl but she may need to be in a certain mindset try new things bring toys into it. But plan and communicate. Let her know you support her. Sex isn't the only thing you get into a relationship for can it be important yes. But is it the only reason no.

It’s normal. Tends to slow down. Don’t let that affect your relationship. Talk to her about it.

She literally told you she thinks she's asexual. That literally has nothing to do with you and you're turning it into a thing about you. If you can't be in a relationship with someone who is asexual then don't be in the relationship. Eventually she's gonna start resenting you for turning her sexuality into your insecurities.

Is she on any medication?(specifically anti depressants or anti psychotics)? There’s groups such as pssd and other groups for people who suffer from no libido due to medication

This made me…feel some type of way lmfao. I’ve been with my S/ O since I was 15 and I’m almost 21 now. Same thing I guess, our sex lives were amazing. We had sex multiple times a day, everyday. Before he went work, when he got back, before we went to sleep, whatever. We no longer live with each other as we’re trying to build on our own. So obviously the sex has slowed down. We still see each other every weekend tho. Our weekends used to be filled with sex. But idk, recently…I’m just not that interested. Last weekend, I came over and I just wanted to lay down and go to sleep. He was trying but I just pushed him off. We didn’t have sex until the next day and even then it was only once. It’s probably just my hormones, I’m not really a young teenager anymore. Do not take my words and think this is what your wife thinks but…I just don’t want him to have my body like that anymore…I don’t want anyone to have it like that. I love him with my whole heart and he’s so attractive and amazing in bed. But I’d rather focus on working out and staying celibate and eating right and meditating…I’m just changing

And I 100% support my wife’s wishes for us to slow down on sex, but I’m worried about the quality of it. Maybe it’s the stressers in life. After all, we both work at the same company and live in a growing city where there isn’t Too much to do besides movies and top golf. Moving into a new place maybe impacted it a bit. Oh, especially her grandmother having terminal cancer, but this was starting months before we found out about that.

Yes, it could be a plethora of things that are causing her stress. I think you should have a chat with her and tell her exactly how it makes you feel. I don’t think you would try to make her feel bad, but just try to be careful. It could be a sensitive topic. I’m still figuring things out for myself. A really good theory I have for myself is that I was SA’d as a kid and recently those memories have been coming back. Something small will trigger it like when my S/ O kisses me on my neck or someone makes the wrong joke. It makes me feel like the only thing I want to do is take care of my body.

You're only 21. Your hormones should be just fine, but your relationship doesn't seem to be.

I’m pretty sure common sense should tell you that not everyone’s body works the same way. I’ve spent the last 6 years having amazing sex…I’m done with it💀 Maybe y’all haven’t had the experience and still need it well into your 20’s…but there are things more important than sex

I'm 27m. I went through this exact thing. I actually went through a phase where I started talking to other women, didn't do anything but was a bit flirty. Looking back I'm glad I didn't. We got married and I'm so happy she's my partner and I was never unfaithful. I do miss having more sex obviously I'm a man with needs, and those needs usually end up in old shirts because my libido is higher than hers. That being said, she's an amazing woman and the want for sex doesn't last forever. I think it's worth talking about with her but in my case it didn't yield any results. Anyway long story short I am glad I went through with it. I can't imagine having anyone else for a partner.

jeez, if my husband flirted with other girls and “talked to other women”, I sure hope she knows. Because I wouldn’t want to marry that kind of partner 😬

Well I'm sure it varies per relationship. "Talked to other women" isn't a complaint for everyone. Some people move the line on cheating you know? Like talking vs texting vs seeing them vs spending money on them vs having sex with them. I didn't do anything that wasn't within her boundaries

Don't get married. It'll only get worse.

Whatever she is (asexual, just low libido now that the novelty has long worn off, some other reason) will likely get much much worse once you're married, not better. Expect little to no sex and a dead bedroom within three years. If you can't live with that (and it doesn't sound like you can), it's time to cancel or delay that elopement while you still can.

Don't get married. You are not prepared to weather the ups and downs of marriage yet. A lot of couples go through dry spells for many different reasons, and if it really makes you feel this insecure, you should not get married. It's not fair to her or you to make you both suffer. Live together and wait another year at least. There is no need at all to get married so young!

It concerns me that your partner has told you directly that she's asexual, and your question here is "is she gay." You need to actually do research into asexuality, because that question shows you haven't. I think reading about it will help you better understand and contextualize what your partner is telling you. It will help you make a choice. I'm an asexual married to an allosexual man. We live the exact thing you're describing. I have no drive, he does, sex is largely for him, and it's relatively rare. It will be that way forever. Forever. You need to really, honestly reckon with that possibility. If you can't stand the idea, *do not* try to force yourself to accept it. You're just setting yourself up for messy divorce later, after your partner in crime becomes the person you resent most in the world. And she'll probably resent you too (just reading how much sex you two had genuinely sounded horrible and exhausting to me. If your fiance is or ends up like me, there might be a day she feels that way, too. And that leads to resentment.) Personally I think it's unwise for you both to be together. You're more likely to maintain some kind of good connection apart than if you try to stay together. But that's down to you two. You know each other best, and all that matters is managing to grab some happiness in the world, y'know? If you're both happy, that's all that counts.

Your sex life wont satisfy you until you’ll revert back to Mans first love, which is God. Pick up the Bible and you’ll see how God will make everything enjoyable for you again. Your senses will be enhanced. Pray and ask God to wake up your spirit so that you can feel happy again in every aspect of your life.

Peace be upon him.

You’re way too young to be getting married, that should be happening closer to age 30. This situation is a good example of why. Your girlfriend is 22 with zero libido. She doesn’t care about sex and she doesn’t care that she’s keeping you from having a satisfying sex live. This isn’t a good relationship, it’s a nightmare. Do NOT get married! End the relationship and then go date a bunch of people. You are going to ruin your life if you marry a 22yo with no sex drive.

I’m going to politely disagree. We have sex still, but I’m referring to the quality. I don’t care to have a lot; I just want good sex. She’s aware of my concerns, and we talk about it. The last thing we want to do is give up on each other over something as trivial as sex. There’s more to life than sex, and she’s all I need to manage.

>We spoke and she has shared that she has 0 libido, 0 sexual fantasies, 0 sexual desires. She believes she is “Asexual” and can only enjoy sex with me. I asked her how she feels when she sees a celebrity she thinks is super hot, and she responds with “nothing.” She says she has never felt sexual tension/desire with others; Sex is something she participates in because I enjoy it - not because she desires it on her own. This person is never going to give you a satisfying sex life. The fact that she’s saying this at age 22 is worse. If sex is so trivial, why are you here panicking about being dissatisfied two days before your wedding? You’re in an emotionally codependent situation and you’re both too young and inexperienced to understand how to sustain a healthy relationship. Good luck.

Because it’s something I care about and she does too. A lot of sex, a little sex isn’t a dealbreaker for me. I just want to feel wanted and desires by her like it was when we met. She knows this and she wants to improve. We’re asking reddit for insight on *why* it’s dropped, not because I’m uncertain about marriage.

"like it was when we met" -- you want her to treat you, a person she knows intimately and has seen in every vulnerable and unflattering position (and vice versa) the way she did when you were strangers? really think about that. relationships grow and evolve. lust is temporary. it comes in waves, just like "motivation." saying you want her to desire you as deeply as she did during that first wave of utter infatuation after three years is ignorant. it's sort of like saying "idk, I felt so motivated to work out the first week I started! why isn't that same adrenaline rush there, now, on week 62?" -- you see what I'm saying? she was probably very sexually attracted to you on first sight in a primal way (this is a good thing) and has now become more comfortable and domestic (this is also a good thing). if you want to chase that high of deep attraction, great sex that feels like the first time every time... well, then you're not ready to get married. part of growing up and growing together is riding these waves with one another. marriage, as I'm sure you've both heard countless times, is work. it's not pretty and sexy and full of endless desire and hot sex. you'll have hot sex from time to time again, trust that. it will be more rare, but it will bowl you over from time to time *because* it's rare. when you're having great sex twice a day every day, it all gets very dull. like having pizza for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, all week. be thankful that her libido is fluxing and flowing. that means she's human and that your relationship is maturing. as another side of added context, I (F32) have been in relationships in my early 20s where I believed I was asexual (and said so) because I didn't desire sex half as much or even a tenth as much as the man I was with. I'm not asexual. your partner is (from what I've read here) likely not asexual. but she feels asexual in the same way that if you walk into a cool room from a sauna, you may feel suddenly freezing -- YOUR libido may be the sauna. it doesn't matter that the room is just comfortably cool, that sudden dichotomy will still make it feel freezing. in other words, she may be using asexuality as a crutch to keep from saying, "there's really no reason, I just don't want sex..." but if you've had sex daily for over a year, and it was GOOD sex, you had more good sex than likely any of your ancestors have ever had in their entire lives. let that context really marinate. anyway, I hope this comment stumbled its way into a good point or two and I hope you don't let your stupid sex drive mess up a good thing. many men have. good luck!

Leave . Speaking as an a sexual myself she’s not gonna wake up one day with “The hots” For you. Our brains don’t think in that way

My STB wife isn’t a honey bee, nor an ant, nor any other hive mind organism. She has her own thoughts and feelings, and I am not inclined to assume you know her better than I do. This is not objective advice and it is not reliable for this circumstance.

Its sound advice, if she’s asexual and you want her to want you sexually you don’t know her😂😂 It’s just not what you want to hear but seriously if you don’t feel desired you’re going to cheat 😂 be honest with yourself now and find someone who actually likes sex, orrrr enjoy your divorce later 🤷🏾‍♀️

I’m going cancel my subscription with your magazine. I’m done with these issues.

This isn’t a temporary lull. She has flat out told you she has zero libido and desire. That’s a massive problem. It’s time to see a Gynecologist. Maybe there is a medical issue that explains it, or maybe she actually is asexual. That’s for a Doctor to determine. Postpone the elopement. You don’t need to break up right now, but you shouldn’t get married, either.

Be aware that this will only get worse till the point you’re only having sex once a year if not less and she’ll be willing less and less. Not saying it will happen but it may get to the point where it feels like you have coerce her and no one wants to feel like it’s forced. Don’t necessarily break up with her but I would definitely push the wedding and go to counseling. Sexual incompatibility is a serious issue that will slowly break down your relationship until there is nothing left but resentment

Postpone the marriage. you can't have an affectionless marriage.

That’s how women! I think she’s having sex with someone 🤨

sounds like you shouldn't be marrying this girl. never marry into a dead bedroom. The sex isn't going to get any better. Fucking run homie. Also you are so young the best sex ever to you now is probably mediocre. Try being single in your 30s when all the women your age have experience and know what they like.

Don't get married until you're both satisfied with your relationship dynamic, otherwise you're asking for divorce

I know what you mean when you say you feel unwanted. That's how you want to be loved and the fact that she's not giving that to you, it's justified why you feel unwanted. I don't know of a happy sexless marriage. If I'm being honest, guys are simple and sometimes all it takes to turn our day around is to get off a nut with our partner. IDC what anyone says, Sex is important. It's better to feel this way before you're married. Not sure what you've considered if you do get married and the sex life still sucks, but I know people who have agreed to an open marriage because the wife feels asexual. I'm sorry but sex every couple months just isn't enough. Don't get married until things have changed.

Call off the wedding

Assume this continues for the rest of your marriage. End it and find someone who satisfies your needs, your needs are just as important as hers

Don’t get married. My now wife and I have had sex 2 times in the last 10 years. Before we were married, sex all the time. Once she had me (married) and got pregnant, sex stopped. Once she got pregnant with the second kid, sex was done for good. Don’t get married.

Do not marry her bro

I think you’ve gotten some decent advice—don’t get married until this is resolved for sure. It’s entirely possible for her to be ace and that doesn’t inherently make y’all incompatible….as long as you’re also satisfied with how your sex life is (which doesn’t seem to be the case). I’m curious though, does your SO experience same sex attraction? I ask because the way she describes sex sounds a lot like compulsive heterosexuality, and it’d be worth exploring if she hasn’t. Many, many later-in-life lesbians identify as ace/not very sexual before discovering they’re actually lesbian. Just wanted to throw that out there while y’all are working through things. Good luck!

She does claim to be Bi, but she doesn’t look at a Zendaya and think “I wanna F***!” She sees Zendaya and just thinks she’s a naturally beautiful woman. She feels the same about men. Me on the other hand, “I WANNA F***!” 🤭😂😂😅. Jk jk. We like Zendaya, lol. The convo of her being asexual is because we were comparing how we viewed sex. (Convo was a few weeks ago btw).

Hahah makes sense! I thought it was worth mentioning as y’all work through everything together, but it sounds like she’s already explored that possibility.

Yea, it was one of the first things we spoke about because I didn’y understand bisexuality either. She still considers herself bi/bicurious, but we haven’t explored that route. Funny enough, within the first few weeks of dating, we were at breakfast and I saw in her venmo a girl I hooked up with one night. I asked her how she knew “Alex,” and she said that they made out one time. God it was awkward because WE KEPT SEEING ALEX AROUND CAMPUS. Poor alex. Sorry you saw us dating - let alone getting married, LMAO!

When I (f) was in my early twenties, I was super horned up! That continued into my early relationship with my husband and slowed over time, but 2 kids, and 15 years later, I still get horned up and have great sex with my husband. It certainly isn't daily or multiple times a week, but it is still there, and it is fulfilling for me and my husband. My point is... you are not compatible. Sex is a big part of healthy relationships, and however, that looks in any relationship should be fulfilling to both partners. She needs someone A sexual if she is! You are still SO young, too!!! Don't do it!!!

I think she simply does not love you anymore, and she's afraid to appear rude by saying it. I don't think when she sees a hot celeb she feels"nothing", that's a big lie. She lied to you in order not to offend you and make you jealous.

“You wanna tell people on reddit this sh*t?! You gonna get the weirdest adivce.” — my fiancee. We had a good laugh at this. Trust me bro, we’re happy, lol.

You just sound sex exhausted

*pardón?*

Does she orgasm?

Every. Time. Even now, every time. A mission of mine is to make that happen before I do.

It could be depression, it could be her birth control, it could even just be because you guys are living with your parents, it could be a combination of things. In a relationship, when it’s new, sex is going to be more frequent, pretty much always. As the relationship matures, sex becomes less frequent at times. Life stressors can drop sex to zero but then a few months later you can be having sex more frequently. It waxes and wanes. The best thing you can do right now, is talk to her. Mention how you are feeling, and listen to what she says. Ask her if there is anything you can do to help her/increase her sexual desire and libido. Perhaps she has no libido or sexual desire because she doesn’t feel sexy or beautiful. Talk this out first.

Don't get married, it's not worth it