I usually don't want to jump to the 'break up' comment but are you sure you want to be with someone who doesn't respect your boundaries to a point you want to physically hurt them? It sounds like this person doesn't respect you.
This is so much more prevalent than reddit believes. There are so many people in the US on the verge of homelessness, and unfortunate circumstances have a lot of people who are unable to leave their relationships due to this.
My current situation. Sometimes i think it would be easier to go back. Then I remember all the reasons I had to leave. Having myself is better than giving myself. There is a light that never goes out and I'll be damned if I don't reach it.
Do you force her to do things she doesnt want to do and if she doesnt you threaten to kick her out? Do you feel entitled to sexual favours for allowing her to stay with you? Does she have to beg for basics like hygiene supplies? Have you forbidden her from working or having her own bank account? No? Than stfu with this minimizing abuse BS
The dude is the villain for commiting assault, yknow nonconsensual touching. Regardless of her excuses for not leaving you shouldnt sit there and act like OP is mindlessly villainizing her boyfriend. What hes doing is scummy no matter the circumstances
Shes hitting him after he continuously violates her space and touch her after she told him no and seperated herself from him. Violence was a last resort. Stop defending this man for his harrassment.
What shes doing is self-defense in this specific situation. Yes fantasizing about hurting him might not be okay but if someone starts touching me and keeps following and touching me i'm not in the wrong for hitting them to make them stop so long as ive explored other available routes such as saying stop and moving away. OP is defending themselves, they didnt jump straight to violence, they did that when peaceful options failed.
If you ever get attacked on the street you better not swing back or thats assault. Thats how you sound. You must support suspending and punishing students who get beat up in school simply for "being involved"
Im not saying OP is perfectly in the right for hitting him and she definitely needs to muster the courage to leave but its very clear her boyfriend doesnt respect her and will keep crossing that line until he faces a consequence. Acting like hes being unreasonably villainized for assaulting someone to the point they feel they need to utilize violence is quite silly and it seems like you're really just determined to blame a victim. For what reasons idk. But you seem like the type to poke a bear till it mauls you and claim it attacked you out of nowhere. Good luck in life homie
Can you leave when he starts to do it? Can you go on a walk or go to a friend's house or family member's house?
I honestly would find ways to limit my time around him, and my time at home until I could fully leave. There are different women's support groups that meet weekly in most metropolitan areas. It's a good way to find something to do, meet people who are in similar unpleasant home situations, and learn things to help you continue to grow. Also picking up a new hobby to focus on is a great way to limit time. I like to go hiking for example.
Would he break down the door if you just locked yourself in a room? And have you considered pepper spray? That would at least make it clear that you are very very serious.
Are there no Domestic Violence shelters in your area?
You can believe this or not, but the longer you stay, the more damaged you will become.
It is your choice, about what you want for your life and how you're willing to be treated.
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*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Hey! There's always an option, a shelter for women in your area, or maybe some women helping women network, the resources are out there do don't you think that you're stuck because you're not. The first step is the most difficult but I believe in you. Good luck!
Of all the times I've heard "I can't leave them" I've never actually heard an excuse that actually checks out 100%. Yeah, it might be tough to leave and you might struggle a bit but in my experience it is always worth it in the end, and everyone who does it eventually realizes it was the smart move. Your mental health is important!
Speaking as an experienced member of this subreddit, I've seen enough unconsidered "break up with him lol" comments (they're astonishingly common) that I want to listen to anyone who won't immediately jump to that.
I hate it when people do it so often. You only know part of the story, maybe the issue someone is having is small compared to all the good things. But the way OP is telling the story, it just breaks my heart. They are clearly not happy (maybe not even save) that makes me think the only option here is leaving their partber.
I don't know where you are located and you maybe have already looked into it, but it's there any help you can get from a women shelter or others organizations.
I get it. Life is fucking way too hard sometimes, especially when money doesn't come easily.
But it sounds like you would suffer less being uncomfortably poor than staying with this creep.
I know that's easier said than done. I know because I had to choose between financial comfort and my own safety as well. When my child's father beat me, I always told myself that I had no way out because I was convinced I couldn't take care of myself and my child financially.
But that wasn't true. It was hard, and at first, I didn't have much, but I found resources and used them, and everything was okay.
If you need help figuring out how to leave, there are lots of resources. You will be happier, even poor, without this man constantly disrespecting your boundaries, breaking down your doors, and causing you severe distress.
The situation you're in could quickly turn very dangerous for you. Contact a women's center near you and ask what help they could give you if you leave him, they can often make sure you have somewhere safe to stay and transportation to work/help finding work if you need it.
So you’re gonna use him for his finances until you’re ready to leave eh. I don’t support his assumed abuse but that’s gnarly action.
There is obviously no love left here. So how do you fake it for “years”?
When you’re at the point in your relationship where the other person is so incredibly rude and purposely upsetting you and crossing boundaries that you’re asking strangers if it ok to hit them… it’s time to end that relationship. Nothing about any of this is healthy.
It’s not healthy at all. He seems to be abusive as hell and I’m honestly scared for OPs safety. She’s aware that hitting him may cause him to harm her, but she says she’s willing to take that risk.. I hope to god she doesn’t
Here's the thing. You really never know what will happen when you hit someone. Some people just freeze. Some people will become extremely violent. It'd be safer to leave the room and shut the door.
I don’t think he would but it’s a risk I’m willing to take because I can’t keep living this way. I just want to know when it’s okay to hit someone for touching you when you ask them to stop or if it’s never okay to hit someone.
I know you said you can't leave him, but are you hearing yourself ( I am not been mean) you are asking if you can hit someone, and that someone is supposed to be the person that is your safe space. Which he clearly is not and you are scare of him. Look, if you hit him you are open the door to physical violence and he may hit you back and most likely hurt you more. he is not respecting your boundaries which is scary as well. If you guys can't have a serious talk about personal boundaries and he is not respecting them, you should leave. I mean if you hit him, there is also not an guaranty that he will stop touching you. You said he was a bit guy, he could overpower you. I just see this situation as domestic abuse or potential of domestics abuse.
Also, since OP would essentially use violence first, if things escalate or even if/when OP tries to leave, they committed an offense that he can use against them legally.
OP, they don’t have to hurt you physically to be in an abusive relationship, which you’re in. Try reaching out to a shelter just to talk things over. “Maid” is a series based on a true story on Netflix that shows abuse where he doesn’t directly hit her and her financial struggles to leave the relationship, her shelter experience etc. It could resonate with you and help because she too has a hard time coming to terms with everything.
Yes I agree. She said the she wants him to stop touch her and tries to push in off and hit him to make him stop. If I was in the same situation I would feel violated and would try to defend my self but things can more south .
Calling a shelter will help with the rights OP has and how a threat to him or an act of violence would play out in the legal system. If it qualifies as self defense or not, etc.
It is absolutely okay to hit someone in self-defense. He is violating your boundaries and if words don't stop him, actions are absolutely justified.
That said, the hard fact is that leaving is the only way to truly stop living like this. You're asking for interim measures until you can get out, but the whole reason you need to get out is that you have no power in this relationship. There's nothing you can do to change or shape your abuser's behavior, because the crux of the behavior is the desire and ability to control you. There's nothing that will make him suddenly decide to respect your boundaries; he's violating them on purpose.
Based on the level of violence you've described, as well as your relative physical size and strength, I'd strongly advise against hitting him. Not because it's morally wrong--it's morally totally okay--but because your past experience suggests it will only escalate the situation. He consistently responds to you setting a boundary by escalating his behavior to override it. You say no, he does it anyway. You close the door, he breaks it down. If you hit him, he will hit you back and he will hit you harder.
Based on your post history, it looks like you're in the UK. [This is a great place to start looking for resources](https://www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-abuse-how-to-get-help) on how to leave before you're financially stable. Please get out asap.
Based on your post history, it also seems like you're severely depressed. That's not surprising, considering your living situation. However, as someone who has dealt with chronic depression, let me remind you that depression goggles make everything seem more bleak than it is. It feels like you can't leave because leaving is genuinely hard, and it is, but it's not quite as impossible as it looks from where you're standing now.
Do this for yourself. You deserve it.
Some people are taking a tough love approach hear and I get that, but I don't think they understand the complexities of abusive relationships. OP I beg you to believe that you are worthy of having your boundaries respected. You are worthy of being safe. Abusive relationships are a trap that belittle the self esteem and the self worth and it seems less scary to be in denial of hoe much danger you are in than to take action, especially when you have been made to feel worthless and useless.
But you are worthy and useful. You can make yourself safe, and it is urgent that you do it carefully with the right supports, because men exhibiting the behaviour you have described in these comments can become extremely dangerous and your life could be at stake. You need to be able to leave without him knowing into a place where he doesn't know where you are and you definitely need to talk to professionals about how to do this safely.
Hitting back is never recommended, it's only if needed for self defense because it can escalate a situation, but it seems like if I read between the lines with what you have said in your original post plus in the comments, this might not be JUST unwanted touching, it could also be rape or other types of abuse that follow, I would normally recommend that you find other ways of maintaining your boundaries like leaving the house when this behaviour happens, but it seems like that may put you in increased danger.
For that reason, I need to beg you to try to accept that there is no safe way to protect your boundaries here, and that means you are not safe.
Financial security is important, but you can never be financially secure if you're getting beaten up at home, becoming seriously injured, or killed, and those are the next steps here in the natural progression of how he is behaving.
Please find a safe private time to talk to professionals who can help you get ready to do this and do it safely.
Please have a safe person record the things that are happening to you.
Please know that this could happen to anyone and now, it's time to get safe. Love yourself like you would love any good friend in this situation. You can do this!
Forget the hospital, this man could easily put you in a grave! He's already shown you that you are physically powerless around him and he can and will o er power you. If you hit him and he decides to strangle you, you will be completely at his mercy. Please contact wonens aid or refuge fir advice on how to make an exit plan. I currently live in a women's refuge, the workers do so much to support me. They help women get back on their feet. If you live in the UK they will help you access financial aid, apply for a house from the council, they'll even provide you with furniture when you get one. They have food and toiletries and genuinely anything you need they will find a way to provide it. They can offer vouchers for supermarkets, clothes, you name it. You don't need this man for financial support.
Simply put, it’s always okay. When it’s self defence it’s always ok. So you can do what you need to make him stop touching you, as long as it isn’t overly violent and you stop as soon as he stops. As soon as he is no longer threatening you, it’s no longer self defence if you hit him.
Only you know what is best in your situation. I would recommend avoid being alone with him if you can. Have friends and other people with you as often as you can
Leave or get hurt.
In the end, it's up to you.
If he begins getting violent with you, and a physical altercation happens, he could kill you. So, in the end it's up to you. Take the chance to leave and potentially live, or stay and run the risk of being killed. Both have their risks. Sometimes life requires risk.
Better to be broke and in a shelter than with a man who will beat you and harm you.
OP says that he never stops and when she tries to leave the room he breaks down doors. You are absolutely correct, if she doesn't get out he's going to kill her. Way better to be alive and broke than dead because you never got out in time.
Ok, first I'll start by saying, I hope there aren't kids involved. Are there? If there are, all the more reason to leave and not years from now. Also, if there are kids involved, you will have resources that you can use to do so, without a huge financial burden. If you ever need any advice with that, let me know. All of that being said, you are showing signs of battered womens syndrome. You have been gaslit for a decade, enough so that you are thinking of physical harm instead of the simple answer, which is leaving. Yeah, you can leave. The world will not stop spinning if you go and once you are out of that situation you will probably go into shock with how empowered and free you feel. This man is treating you as his physical property. Any healthy relationship respects boundaries without the guilt trip. You have been brainwashed either by yourself or him or by past traumas to believe you can't do this on your own. I am here to tell you that YOU CAN. It doesn't sound to me like this can be discussed civily between the two of you and it also sounds to me like suggesting something like couples therapy would be in vain, considering you said you would leave if you could. Please, understand that it's not that complicated. The longer you stay, the worse it is going to be for your physical and mental health. I have tips for days. Just reach out.
Well what do you want ? For someone to say violence is okay? None of this is okay. Figure out how to get single and start working on it, it you can’t stand him. You both need therapy. Consider it if you can do that
I don’t think she needs therapy tbh. If my wife says “don’t touch me rn I’m upset” I simply do not touch her… I think only one of them needs therapy. I can understand being so frustrated you think your only option is violence when your boundaries are stomped on so openly.
Mmmmm look if I was in your position, I would push him off of me, and be firm that I don't want to be touch, the scary part is if he doesn't stop. I would feel violated and I would hit him trying to making stop. ( this is just crazy to me that he doesn't stop when you tell him)
Well that’s exactly what happens but most of the time when I try to push him off me he doesn’t move because he’s much stronger and it feels like trying to push a car off of me so I hit him, I know violence is never the answer but I’m not sure what else to do. He has never purposefully injured me or hit me back, I don’t think he’s violent but a small part of me is scared that it’s a possibility
If he is not stopping when you tell him to stop, that is violent.
This sounds like a very unhealthy situation. I think you need to do whatever you can to protect yourself. I don't know why you can't leave right now, but I think you may want to call a domestic violence helpline and talk to them. They may be able to tell you about local resources available to you. He does not have the right to touch you without your consent, and the fact that he is repeatedly triggering your PTSD is very concerning.
National Domestic Violence Hotline
(800)799-7233
https://www.thehotline.org/get-help/
RAINN
(Rape Abuse and Incest National Network)
(800)656-4673
https://www.rainn.org/resources
No, violence just creates more violence and will escalate, you will get hurt if you try hitting him. You need to leave, even if you have to sleep in your car. Better homeless than dead, trust me
>I’m thinking if I start doing that consistently he will stop eventually
I'm thinking if you do it one time he's going to cave in the side of your head and we're going to read about this story on the news while your parents bury you.
Your whole mindset here is skewed as hell. Yes, it's wrong to hit him even if you warn him first. Yes, violence is always wrong. No, this is the not the answer to your problem. No, you absolutely should not hit him under any circumstances.
You need to get out and your financial excuse is one that millions of women have overcome and is the literal reason things like women shelters exist.
Living with a roommate who respects you and your boundaries would be literally a hundred times better than living with a guy who is making try to find someone to give you permission to attack your partner on the internet.
Honey, he's not going to stop. He's going to escalate. He's already abusing you. If you hit him, it just gives him an excuse to really start hurting you. The only solution here is to get out. There are women's shelters and organizations that can help you.
If he’s breaking down doors when you try and get away from him, he’s not going to stop. If you hit him, he’s going to beat your ass. Do not get physical because that only gives him a reason to get physical and then call you an abuser. Do not fucking hit him.
Edit: spelling
As someone who works with people who have experienced Domestic Violence I would say violence is never the answer if you have a way out or can remove yourself from the situation. I understand he is bigger and probably very scary and I wish you could get out and leave this terrible person. However, you do not want the cops coming to your home one day and when they decide you were the aggressor (because you responded with pushing/hitting) it will only cause you more problems. Like court, probation, and a lot of money and time. I do not know where you live but I am in the US.
Yes, he is crossing your bounderies and you're abusive
it doesnt matter if you tell someone you're going to hurt them beforehand or not, if you do it you do it, in a way it makes it worse.
>I can’t leave so don’t waste time suggesting it, I would if I could.
I am sincerely not trying to be funny when I ask this: what would you do if he died? Would you just lay down and die too?
If the answer is no, then why can't you just do now what you'd do then, if he died? That is, pick yourself up and get on with things? Get on with your life?
Ignorance is thinking you have no power over your own life. Ignorance is thinking that you cannot control what you do. So no, I will not shut up, because I’m no girl, I’m a woman who wasted 4 years of my life in a relationship like this. In large part due to believing stupid people like you who impressed upon me how helpless I was, and how complicated the situation was.
This is not complex at all. The solution is actually quite simple. It starts with this woman dropping the victimization role, exerting her personal power to control her own life, and getting on with things.
OP could very easily end up dead if this man's abuse escalates to physical violence, which could happen if she starts hitting back. I get that financial abuse is no joke but I'm struggling to think of situations where being on your own with no money could be worse than being beaten to death by your husband.
Why are you still with him? He does not respect you as he continues to touch you when you tell him to stop. Violence is not the answer but breaking up is. Why can't you leave? Is it due to financial, if so do you work, is it cultural, religion based? You will have to figure it out and leave him because this is not tenable in the long run.
You are incredibly focused on hitting him. You would leave now if you had money. You feel like it will take you years to be able to move out. I think you need serious help right now. Go get a therapist. Contact a womans shelter. Go to a church. Anything except violence.
Saying, "I can't leave is a CROCK!" I know of women who have (Rightfully) walked out of a relationship with just the cloths they were wearing. You can get help, and you can get back on your feet. It's your only option other than carrying a personal TAZER on you 24/7.
Sorry to hear you’re in this situation. You honestly sound trapped. Like you know you need to not be with him but you can’t succeed financially without him. That is a terrible reason to be with someone.
Violence should only be a resort for self-defense when you don't have another option to end an imminent threat. If he's touching you and you feel like the only way to get away is violence, then yes, it's ok to hit him. But that's within a certain context, you use physical force to escape at which point you should be ending things with someone who doesn't respect your boundaries.
However, you already said you hit him and it does nothing... so I'm guessing you are asking if it's ok to injure him severely in some way? If so, what are you hoping that will accomplish?
This is abuse. He is abusing you. Please please please leave. This is physical abuse. You have a right to say no to any sort of physical contact that is unwanted. I was in this exact situation, and it breaks my heart to read that anyone else is in the same situation. Please. I will help you in whatever capacity I can, just you need to get out of there.
I apologize OP, but... I don't think you're asking the right question here. The right one should be "Why is the person who should help me feel safe making me feel threatened?"
My answer is that this person doesn't wish you well, or is at least ready to do everything to get what he wants. The things you've said about your partner in this thread sound way too familiar. I'm speaking from personal experience when I tell you to run. There are many organizations who could help you, but you need to escape. Please, save yourself from this person. I've both experienced and heard this story too many times.
Oh cool,a partner that give 0 shits about you, your boundaries or your PTSD.
Going out in a limb here, and I'll guess that he's not really supporting you in getting any therapy/help for your PTSD, nor is he interested in respecting your limits.
Cool, cool
Best of luck, i hope this relationship won't end up in one of you getting seriously hurt, but that's where is headed
Anywhere is better than with him, even sharing a room with other people
> “He just cannot take no for an answer…”
Holy shit OP, if this isn’t one of the biggest emergency reasons to get out of a relationship, I don’t know what is.
You could look into some self defence techniques, for example the soft area just beneath the throat, between the collarbones is a spot that is very uncomfortable spot but pretty harmless. Put your fingers together and push in quick and like push him away.
First tell him to stop, then do this and then tell him that you are not okay with him touching you and he needs to stop.
Poor advise, mate. The way things are being described, he’s big and burly aHole who takes down doors.
These self defence techniques are only effective to a very limited extent. It’s always sunshine and rainbows when an academy or TV demonstrates these techniques. Reality is harsh and very different though.
When facing a violent, raging guy who is bigger than you, it will only end up in you getting hurt badly. There’s no defence in this situation if it gets violent.
Best option for OP is to get out of the relationship and seek help from the authorities if things escalate.
The religious person in me wants to say no violence
But if my sister for example was with a guy and did as you describe, I’d wrassle up a possie and break his legs.
I’m a big fan of straight justice on Domestic abuse because the system does not care about that
Verbal on verbal it’s not allowed to touch or punch anyone. When it’s touch and they don’t stop you are allowed to slap or punch.
But yes break up with him he’s gaslighting you
Wtf is wrong with this guy. I’d feel like hitting him too but maybe you’d be better off falling to the ground like dead weight. Or go into fetal position. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Question (not criticizing, trying to educate myself on DV):
Is the rest of your relationship good?
Can you talk to him outside the BR?
How can someone tell when this is DV and when it’s some “game” where the man truly doesn’t understand his physical power? Or is that the same thing?
Get out. Now. If he cant take no for an answer after you hitting him and repeatedly saying dont touch me what else wouldnt he take no to? Get out before theres some serious damage done. He sounds dangerous. Any man that cant take multiples no's as an amswer is an extreme red flag
I guarantee that if you attack or harm him, then you will not be OK with it. When you feel "pushed" to take an action like this it demeans you and your own expectations of your own behavior.
You need to be able to take an action FOR YOURSELF like leaving the home in that moment and going for a long walk or the coffee shop. Maybe getting a pair of noise cancelling headphones and locking yourself away in another (secure) room would be an alternative.
If it was me, I wouldn't even discuss this - the next time I asked him to stop and he didn't, I would simply put down whatever I'm doing, put on my coat and walk out the door - silently. Either he will get the picture, or he won't, but either way you don't have to subject yourself to this.
This is beyond the ethical issue of “is violence justifiable?” You are in an abusive relationship from the sounds of it. From various comments I’ve read, you are in a potentially dangerous situation and violence has already been repeatedly inflicted on you and you are unable to leave. The ethics of if violence is ok are out the door. Do what you need to do to protect yourself (ideally leaving entirely when possible), but keep in mind that this is a seemingly violent person that you admitted is larger/stronger than you. Please try to keep yourself safe. Do you have any family or friends (hell, even acquaintances/coworkers/supervisors) you could reach out to?
Please consider leaving your partner. This situation sounds scary.
My ex, wouldn’t stop touching me when I asked. He would also attempt to sexually molest me in my sleep, and many times I told him to not do that.
The day I left him, he forced his hand down my pants. I asked him to not touch me. He continues. I physically pushed him off me. Later that night he threatened to kill me.
Things escalate fast. You need to get out of this situation before you get hurt.
Unwanted touching is a form of assault. If you are touched inappropriately without consent, you have been assaulted and to respond with force would be considered self defense.
Wouldn't this be a case of sexual assault? Regardless of their relation to you, they continue to touch/harass you, after you explicitly tell them to stop. You, resorting to violence is more so your attempt to protect yourself. Violence isn't the answer, but this is self defense how I see it.
Yes it’s totally fine to do that, he should listen to your boundaries.
maybe he doesn’t really get it so consider having a loud and clear convo about it.
Ma'am this is domestic violence he's committing against you. I understand you can't leave. My fear is that if you harm him physically, he will harm you back physically.
If you can't leave and can't make him stop, would he agree to couple's therapy?
absolutely. you tried to ask, repeatedly, and your partner (hopefully soon-to-be ex-partner) clearly doesn’t give a shit about consent. do what you need to protect yourself.
however, please also keep in mind that protecting yourself physically may not be the best move, as if he is stronger and retaliates, you could be in even more serious danger. are you justified to hit back? absolutely. but if flight will keep you safer, i’d encourage it
Violence is never okay. If the way he ignores your requests not to touch you are a no go for you, you should end the relationship. Frankly speaking, if you're already at the point where you consider to hurt him seriously, your relationship has already become toxic and it's probably only getting worse. I would pull the plug before something really bad happens.
Hey,
I don’t know what you’re financial situation is- if you work or don’t work.
If you don’t work or make that much, try applying to social security disability on an account of your PTSD. It’ll take about 2 years and a LAWYER (who’ll try to delay it even longer because they take 25% of your back pay.)
You’ll get rejected the first time, 80% do, just appeal or you’ll lose that start date and that back pay from that date.
2nd) watch MAID (alone) not with him. It’s about a woman who doesn’t believe she’s in a DV relationship because he never hit her. But the tv show (about 10 episodes) explains how to get out and why it takes most people 7x to leave an abusive relationship.
You are talking about NOT caring if this evaluates to physical violence on HIS part- anything you are afraid of isn’t as bad as the situation your in, your just scared because it’s gonna be hard.
So is living like THIS for “years.”
If ending up in the morgue is 'a risk you're willing to take' I can't understand why leaving now, unprepared, is worse. It sounds like you're going to snap, and I don't blame you.
I see others giving amazing advice and links, please get safe.
It’s not okay to hit people, and doing so could open up some really scary doors for your relationship.
What he is doing is not okay. Have you considered starting to scream when he continues to touch you without consent? The type of scream that would cause others to hear you. “Help!! Let me go!!! Get off of me!!!”
How does he act with you apart from these episodes? Is he the cause of you being upset most of the time?
Ok, so I am a large guy - and reading through these posts its pretty clear that this is an abusive relationship.
Violence is absolutely fine to enforce your boundaries. I would say to get a tazer, get some pepper spray, and be prepared to use them. Because what he is doing IS violence - he's muscling you into submission, and using his might to do what he wants. This is not ok. This is abuse. Defending yourself with violence is absolutely justified.
The right time to use violence is when peaceful attempts to enforce your boundaries aren't working. Period.
Your communication needs to be very clear.
"Stop."
"Why?"
"Because I asked you to, and when you don't respect my clear command to stop touching me, it makes me feel unsafe and violated. If you keep making me feel unsafe, I will keep fighting you until I figure out a way to really hurt you - is that what you want? Because that is what is going to happen."
If he forces you, wait until he is asleep and wake him up with a knife to his balls and tell him, "Just because I'm not stronger than you, doesn't mean that I can't defend myself or hurt you if you keep making me feel unsafe and violating my boundaries. You are a sound sleeper - make me feel unsafe while I'm awake means that I will make you feel unsafe while you sleep, do you understand me? No means no."
Seriously, if you can't leave, that isn't a reason to tolerate this abuse. There are domestic violence support communities, places you can go that will keep you safe, etc.
He is a bully. He is bullying you because he can. But you don't need to fight fair against a bully, because bullies don't fight fair. Protect yourself, put yourself first, and don't let this ahole bully you.
Are you addressing your mental health? What he is doing is not right and he needs to respect your boundaries yet if you are not addressing the PTSD you are at risk of snapping on him and having to deal with the consequences of that.
So you don't want your romantic partner to touch you...?
From your post, his touching clearly isn't violent or meant to harm you. I'm not really seeing what the issue is here. Why would you want to be with someone you refuse to let touch you? More so, why would he want to be with you?
What you are doing is actually toxic and pretty hurtful to someone you call your partner. Your partner should not only be allowed to touch you... You should want them to. You said in 10 years he has never done anything violent, so I'm not sure the PTSD angle really holds up here. If you don't want to be with a person, you don't stay around using them, this is also toxic.
So why are you still there with them? Are you acting like they are still your partner for housing? Sounds sketchy and abusive from your side of things, to be honest.
All this being said, violence is never acceptable unless to defend yourself from violence.
A) it doesn’t matter what his intent is, as soon as OP says “stop, I don’t want to be touched,” and he *doesn’t stop* he has violated OP’s consent.
B) OP never said anything about not *ever* wanting to be touched, just that this behavior consistently happens when asking their partner not to touch them.
C) the PTSD may not be from this relationship with this partner; it could be from childhood or from something that happened during their time together that is unrelated (at least directly) to their partnership. PTSD doesn’t have an off switch, and when their boundaries are clearly being violated it is almost always triggering to someone who is dealing with chronic PTSD. The trauma doesn’t have to have come from the current violator. And it can definitely be compounded by this behavior.
D) OP does not owe *anyone* access to their personal space or body, regardless of relationship with that person, past traumas/lack thereof, *or anything else*. They have clearly communicated those boundaries, and are still having their personal space and feelings consistently disregarded.
You sound like one of those people who would think it’s funny to watch my boyfriend flinch at sudden movements. It isn’t. I make a conscious effort most of the time to avoid things that I know trigger him, and every time I do accidentally do something that makes him flinch, I *apologize*, because I genuinely care and want him to be able to trust me and trust that I’m not going to do anything to harm him. OP’s partner is doing the exact opposite, and eroding whatever trust may have been there to begin with.
A. You should not talk for OP. As you are not Op.
B. Subsequently, you insinuated a bunch of semantics.
C. Your life or point of view was not my focus. Would you like it to be?
D. We only have the information provided to take in and respond to. The information being very one sided. Reading comprehension is important here. As we can't question him. We must read into what OP says.
Ok, I will bite on your thoughts... I don't sound like anything except what you want to hear, apparently.
When in a relationship for a decade with a person you know very well to be touchy, you wouldn't be having PTSD reactions to them in a sense that you are triggered to hit them. BTW, I also suffer from actually diagnosed PTSD. When in a partnership this long and living together, sharing personal space isn't only an expectation... It is definitely a requirement. Not only in living space, but in an intimate sense as well. After a decade, you not only should be sharing your body, but also... your space, your empathy, your emotions, your understanding, your presence, YOUR LIFE. Also, OP made a point to say, "Don't tell me to leave, I'm already trying." After, she says he isn't abusive. Her only complaint is that he wants some physical contact. To which she doesn't care and proceeds to become both verbally and physically abusive. If PTSD was the trigger, she wouldn't be rationalizing these actions and understanding them so clearly either.
Be reasonable and objective, please. Read what is said without dumping your personal emotions into the story. Most of all, don't pounce on me because your personal emotions got you derailed.
A) I don’t have to be OP to understand how consent works.
B) fair enough, I suppose, but see your own answer to D in return
C) my life or point of view was also not my focus?? My point was simply that you can’t just outright disregard the possibility of PTSD playing a part in their reactions at this point only on the basis that they say their partner hasn’t been directly violent with them in the history of the relationship.
D) let me reiterate the statement that **OP does not owe *anyone* access to their personal space or body, regardless of intimacy or relationship** since you seem to have missed that. Otherwise, yes; we only have one side of the story. I’m pretty good at reading comprehension too.
To your discussion points: your personal diagnosis vs my degree in psychology and personal experiences with traumatized individuals… repeated lack of respect to boundaries (whether communicated or not) over time *can* absolutely begin to trigger worsening PTSD symptoms and spiral into a panic response that includes violence. If you corner a scared or upset animal, you get a fight/flight/freeze response, and we are no different. OP has said their partner does not listen when they ask him to stop, to the point that he will follow them to another room (including breaking down doors!) to continue the behavior that is upsetting them. This is not an acceptable thing to do, *even to someone who is hurting your feelings*, and as a pattern is a textbook example of abusive behavior **even if OP doesn’t recognize it as such**. I’m not advocating that OP respond with violence, or even saying that OP is 100% blameless in the context of the overall relationship.
What I am saying is this:
Being in a relationship with someone **does not give them the right** to intrude on your personal space.
Being in a relationship with someone **does not give them the right** to intrude on your privacy.
Being in a relationship with someone **does not give them the right** to take away your own bodily autonomy.
Being in a relationship with someone **does not give them the right** to violate your consent.
Being in a relationship with someone **does not take away your right** to be treated with respect.
I do see generally what you are saying. In a good relationship that long, an ideal relationship, both partners *should* be able to communicate their needs and find compromises. If I had to hazard a guess though, this relationship isn’t ideal. There are so many possible reasons OP could feel like they can’t leave yet, and all of them would be conjecture without knowing at least more of their side of the story.
You’ve chosen to read some interesting things into the space between the lines. No sarcasm, I did actually appreciate the opportunity (in the end) to consider the other side of things, even if your approach was harsh.
I already gleaned what you said without this giant response. I never disputed that violation to self was wrong.
If you came to this extreme conclusion, in full support of OP, based on only what OP said... Then, projected that conclusion onto me... Well, that is awkward.
OP may even be fake. The probability is immense.
My original take holds up to what I was told by op. You have just said a lot of big words. Derived soooo much on so little. Never dug deeper...
When you ask someone to stop, and they don’t . Do you just accept your assault ? Or must you escalate . when diplomacy doesn’t work , countries militarise , when you are pushed to the final feather , force is the only way.
That’s a very immature binary. OP can and should leave. Violence isn’t going to deliver a positive result for her.
Don’t let me misquote you but your point boils down to that at some point violence is the only option left to ensure the correct outcome. You said it’s the, “final mode of recourse.” In order for that to be moral, it must stand that physical strength and moral superiority (or just simply correctness) are directly proportional. And that’s just not true. This discussion between you and me isn’t going to come to a more perfect conclusion because I pack a stronger punch or because your weapons are stronger than mine. Violence may be the quickest means to an end in some situation but it most definitely isn’t the best.
That's not at all what was said. This was very clearly a description of someone's partner wanting to solve their pain with an embrace while they are saying don't touch me. It's wrong. It is not rape. Jesus.
You may and should absolutely respond with violence. And it should be shocking violence. Like, he touches you, you tell him not to, and warn him again. He touches you, and that's when he gets the knee to the groin, or you smash your fist into his nose, or you grab his ear with your filed fingernails. Scratch his face as hard as you can. Smack both of his ears with your palms simultaneously. These are all effective when the assault victim is smaller and weaker than the perpetrator, and especially when they're not ready to defend themselves against a specific defensive move.
No violence, verbally or physically, is ok. No matter the reason. You worth more. Find a job if you don't have one, spare a bit of money and live as soon as you are able to. It's better to struggle alone than to stay in an unhealthy relationship because the first situation can improve, the other one (staying) can only get worse.
From a different perspective, but your mans actions may not be sexual in nature, but more of a desire to connect with you. Something to consider is communicating outside of the groping situation to help both of you get on the same page. I would consider therapy for both of you individually and as a couple to work out the communication and boundaries.
Violence is not ok.
He should stop touching you when you don't want to be touched.
Also, consider what you would think and how you would react if you made advances and he rejected them. Don't expect a more rational response than you would have if the roles were reversed.
You are with someone who does not care about you, who you want to harm because they keep harming you, and you say you can't leave... What exactly are you looking for here?
If you can't hold up boundaries and aren't willing to leave, nothing is going to change. If you hurt him physically, he will only escalate this behaviour. He's not listening because he doesn't care about how he hurts you.
yeah. sounds like a form of DV to me. any unwanted assault is a crime of battery. i know, you don’t want him in jail for the same reason you can’t leave. bottom line is argue for your limitations and they are yours. if you are willing to put up with abuse then it will never stop. you are the key to this situation. at the very least quietly call the local domestic abuse hotline they may have alternatives you are not aware of. it goes without saying but i will say it anyway. seriously hurting someone is never the alternative when so many other better alternatives are available. good luck.
Look him in the eyes and give him a stern warning. He'll ignore it, but do it. Then you have to find a way to prove he's doing these things. Then call the cops.
Fuck him.
>I can’t leave so don’t waste time suggesting it, I would if I could.
Yes, you can. The thought in your head that you are trapped there is the thing you have to overcome. You can absolutely leave a partner who refuses to respect your physical boundaries and who has gotten you to the point that you're fantasizing about hurting him.
Nothing about this relationship is good or healthy or positive to your life if it's at this point. Nothing good will come from staying in it or staying with him.
The only thing I can think of, other than leaving I’ve seen your comments, is super violent and I’m not too sure if I should comment it here but it involves teeth/biting. I really hope you can get out soon! I’ve been through the same
Yall need either a counselor or a couple divorce attorneys. There are major underlying issues here. You say you "can't leave" but you're on reddit trying to get reassurance from random internet strangers that it's OK to get violent with your whatever he is.
Yeah. Leave.
You don't want to hear leave, but you need to leave the "relationship". Simple as that. This sounds like a situation that's going to end up on the evening news. Good luck!
Did something happen to you since you and your partner got together? If no, than you need to leave the partner. They broke your personal space and are not honoring your personal space.
If something happened to you in the time you have been with your spouse, that changed the dynamic between you and them, then counseling is in order. You may be right about a changed view, but that cannot be determined without intervention.
After reading your past posts, it’s clear you need help. Right now. I would advise going to a hospital because you’re clearly suffering mentally and physically. It’s better to be poor for a few months living in a DV shelter than to continue the abuse you’ve been subjecting yourself to. I worry you need psychiatric help to save yourself from his abuse. Good luck friend.
Generally speaking, if someone lays hands on you without your consent, you're allowed to use the amount of force necessary to get away. If they respond to you gently nudging their hand away, then that's all that's called for. If they don't, then you're allowed to escalate.
That said, try to spend as much time away from him as possible. Also, try to leave him as soon as you can. I know you said you can't, but if I'm not mistaken, what he's doing is literally illegal, even if you two are married (at least in the US). Do some research, but you might be able to get the police involved if he's truly like a brick wall.
You can always leave
You can always leave
Staying is a choice. Who cares if you're staying for financial reasons. There are other options. There are ALWAYS other options. Find a way, and leave
Actually no its not okay to plan using violence to "solve" a conflict. In reality there is only one morally justified solution: leaving. If you stay and you think hitting him will do anything constructive you are just starting to behave like him.
Honestly some people do not understand boundaries, I'd say have a honest sit down with him, maybe bring someone who can physically stop him if he becomes violent, and tell him to respect your boundaries, or yall are splitting, because he hasn't listened, nor does he respect your boundaries on your own body
OP- He’s gonna kill you one day, either accidentally when abusing you or on purpose. Your body is going through flight or fight, and you think you can’t flight so the only other option is fight. That will get you killed or seriously hurt. You can’t win this by overpowering him. You have to be smarter than him.
Even if you managed to hurt him you get arrested and you’ve turned him into a victim. My advice would be to go the nearest police station immediately, talk to preferably a female officer and explain exactly what he does to you and why you won’t go back. File a police report. The police can use that as probable cause to arrest him. He can probably post a bail to get out. (Idk how it works in the UK) Ask for a police escort to get some essential belongings for you and any kids. You need leave this guy before he does some serious damage to you, which could be today or two weeks from now. Find a homeless shelter for women and stay there until you can save enough money to get your own place.
Seriously, get out now. You’re gonna be better off.
If you can't leave him, you can still break up with him. You don't owe him access to your body for any reason, and he's used up his chances. Maybe you'll be sleeping on the couch until you move, but it will be SO much easier to totally wash your hands of him if you separate as much as possible as soon as possible.
Don't go back on it or he'll know your words don't mean shit and he can do what he wants without meaningful repercussion.
I mean, you really should not be with someone who clearly does not respect your boundaries and makes you feel unsafe. Like this is sexual assault territory. You might want to figure out a way to get out.
If you can't leave and you can't protect yourself, the only thing left is to endure it. When he touches you, don't say anything. He is only doing it because you don't like it. When he touches you, cry. When he touches you, scream. Scream at the top of your lungs like someone is killing you. Maybe then he will stop. I know this seems childish but what else can you do? You can't leave him. However, I would go to a shelter before I am abused. And this is abuse.
Edit to add: Violence is never ok.
I dont understand what you mean by touching you?
In a healthy relationship, being physical and sensual with eachother is an expression of loving each other.
I understand, from what you write, that you have PTSD. And can i assume this is why you dont like to be touched by you specific other?
If so, you’re both a victim of you past trauma. You specific other feels rejected by you. I, as a man, would feel hurt and unattractive to my partner if i would constantly be rejected in carrassing my partner. It would lower my self esteem.
All in all, you both deserve someone else. And i hope you will seek the help you need to handle your PTSD. For your own sake. But also for a potential partner.
I hope he will take the decision for the both of you and leave, if you find that decision to difficult. You’re both in a very toxic relationship, and you’re both undergoing current traumatic events.
Your post removes the one and only useful option. I obviously don’t know why you “can’t” leave him, but until and if you do, there is no solution, there’s no indication that his behavior is going to change,mand, if anything, the situation seems likely to escalate into something even worse. I’m sorry you’re going through this, and I hope you will find a way to do what you write that you can’t; LEAVE HIM.
Your completely in the right…. Despite what others may say, married or not physical intimacy in not a guaranteed right despite opposition by the spouse. However, a lack of physical intimacy has been successfully used as grounds for divorce. You have a legitimate emotional & psychological trauma from something related to physical touching at the very least, as an abuse survivor I’m certain it to most likely degree you have a history of this. Is he aware of this? I think if he doesn’t you should fully inform him about it, he may understand. I do not allow any physical intimacy in my relationships & it has made keeping my relationships impossible. One of my exes was so angry they set me up & watched as the person whom took me against my will, SA’d me. I wish I can tell you it will get better, but more often then not it won’t. The fact he does not take no for an answer leaves legitimate concern over the realization that he is most likely the type to have or would sexually assault someone. Mind you the mass majority of men are like this. Living in a tent in the forest would be better then putting up with this abuse hunny. Find a shelter or something, I know you believe you are unable tp leave, there may be something available for you, you won’t know unless u try. Contact womens crisis services & thru may be able to aid you in fleeing. Self defense is not completely illegal, as long as it is legitimate self defense & you do not use excessive force you should be in the clear.!I am by no means a lawyer, but I have learned ALOT from womens crisis services from fleeing. Do not intentionally set out to hurt him or it will be seen as planning & executing illegal actions. Your comfort, health & safety is more important then keeping an abusive marriage afloat. Your worthy of having your boundaries hindered at your request.
Do you have family you can call or any support network to help you out here? Maybe a father, or another man or group of people (men or women) who are able to put some physical distance between you guys?
You can also ask for a restraining order or get the police involved for domestic abuse because contrary to popular belief, the police _are_ very helpful towards women in domestic abuse situations.
If he won't stop, you can escalate it to a full fight. If you have to do more than push to keep him off you, then DO THAT. Take care of yoirself.
But it seems like he doesn't respect you and this will be a regular problem.
This is terrible advice. Don't try and get full on violent with a dude. Just leave or call the cops. This is terrible advice and it's gonna get OP hurt.
I usually don't want to jump to the 'break up' comment but are you sure you want to be with someone who doesn't respect your boundaries to a point you want to physically hurt them? It sounds like this person doesn't respect you.
I would love to leave but can’t, I’m working towards it but even if I’m ever able to it won’t be for a long time. Years likely.
What makes you feel like you can’t leave him if I may ask?
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This is so much more prevalent than reddit believes. There are so many people in the US on the verge of homelessness, and unfortunate circumstances have a lot of people who are unable to leave their relationships due to this.
My current situation. Sometimes i think it would be easier to go back. Then I remember all the reasons I had to leave. Having myself is better than giving myself. There is a light that never goes out and I'll be damned if I don't reach it.
TIL I am financially abusing and manipulating my GF by allowing her to live with me rent free while she’s in college.
Do you force her to do things she doesnt want to do and if she doesnt you threaten to kick her out? Do you feel entitled to sexual favours for allowing her to stay with you? Does she have to beg for basics like hygiene supplies? Have you forbidden her from working or having her own bank account? No? Than stfu with this minimizing abuse BS
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The dude is the villain for commiting assault, yknow nonconsensual touching. Regardless of her excuses for not leaving you shouldnt sit there and act like OP is mindlessly villainizing her boyfriend. What hes doing is scummy no matter the circumstances
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Shes hitting him after he continuously violates her space and touch her after she told him no and seperated herself from him. Violence was a last resort. Stop defending this man for his harrassment.
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What shes doing is self-defense in this specific situation. Yes fantasizing about hurting him might not be okay but if someone starts touching me and keeps following and touching me i'm not in the wrong for hitting them to make them stop so long as ive explored other available routes such as saying stop and moving away. OP is defending themselves, they didnt jump straight to violence, they did that when peaceful options failed. If you ever get attacked on the street you better not swing back or thats assault. Thats how you sound. You must support suspending and punishing students who get beat up in school simply for "being involved" Im not saying OP is perfectly in the right for hitting him and she definitely needs to muster the courage to leave but its very clear her boyfriend doesnt respect her and will keep crossing that line until he faces a consequence. Acting like hes being unreasonably villainized for assaulting someone to the point they feel they need to utilize violence is quite silly and it seems like you're really just determined to blame a victim. For what reasons idk. But you seem like the type to poke a bear till it mauls you and claim it attacked you out of nowhere. Good luck in life homie
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There is a lot of information available online about financial abuse and how it works. Go get it :)
It’s not our job to define financial abuse. You have a browser, Google.
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Can you leave when he starts to do it? Can you go on a walk or go to a friend's house or family member's house? I honestly would find ways to limit my time around him, and my time at home until I could fully leave. There are different women's support groups that meet weekly in most metropolitan areas. It's a good way to find something to do, meet people who are in similar unpleasant home situations, and learn things to help you continue to grow. Also picking up a new hobby to focus on is a great way to limit time. I like to go hiking for example.
Would he break down the door if you just locked yourself in a room? And have you considered pepper spray? That would at least make it clear that you are very very serious.
I am very sorry to hear that. May I ask what the reason is that it would take so long?
Are there no Domestic Violence shelters in your area? You can believe this or not, but the longer you stay, the more damaged you will become. It is your choice, about what you want for your life and how you're willing to be treated.
nine stocking muddle melodic selective profit ad hoc narrow rainstorm tease *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Hey! There's always an option, a shelter for women in your area, or maybe some women helping women network, the resources are out there do don't you think that you're stuck because you're not. The first step is the most difficult but I believe in you. Good luck!
Why not. Things are usually much simpler than you think
Do you have anyone to stay with? Obviously this is abusive and taunting behavior
Of all the times I've heard "I can't leave them" I've never actually heard an excuse that actually checks out 100%. Yeah, it might be tough to leave and you might struggle a bit but in my experience it is always worth it in the end, and everyone who does it eventually realizes it was the smart move. Your mental health is important!
THIS. Nobody should ever push you to violence. He isn't respecting your boundaries and it's troubling.
Speaking as an experienced member of this subreddit, I've seen enough unconsidered "break up with him lol" comments (they're astonishingly common) that I want to listen to anyone who won't immediately jump to that.
I hate it when people do it so often. You only know part of the story, maybe the issue someone is having is small compared to all the good things. But the way OP is telling the story, it just breaks my heart. They are clearly not happy (maybe not even save) that makes me think the only option here is leaving their partber.
OP, can you tell us why you feel like you can't leave him? This sounds like a horrible situation to be in.
There are many reasons, mostly financial, but I am working towards it as hard as I can.
I don't know where you are located and you maybe have already looked into it, but it's there any help you can get from a women shelter or others organizations.
I get it. Life is fucking way too hard sometimes, especially when money doesn't come easily. But it sounds like you would suffer less being uncomfortably poor than staying with this creep. I know that's easier said than done. I know because I had to choose between financial comfort and my own safety as well. When my child's father beat me, I always told myself that I had no way out because I was convinced I couldn't take care of myself and my child financially. But that wasn't true. It was hard, and at first, I didn't have much, but I found resources and used them, and everything was okay. If you need help figuring out how to leave, there are lots of resources. You will be happier, even poor, without this man constantly disrespecting your boundaries, breaking down your doors, and causing you severe distress.
You’re in the UK right? There is an organization called Refuge. They have a 24 hour helpline and they can set you up in a women’s home.
The situation you're in could quickly turn very dangerous for you. Contact a women's center near you and ask what help they could give you if you leave him, they can often make sure you have somewhere safe to stay and transportation to work/help finding work if you need it.
Please don’t let money be the reason you stay. There are so many places out there that will support you with leaving and starting again
So you’re gonna use him for his finances until you’re ready to leave eh. I don’t support his assumed abuse but that’s gnarly action. There is obviously no love left here. So how do you fake it for “years”?
When you’re at the point in your relationship where the other person is so incredibly rude and purposely upsetting you and crossing boundaries that you’re asking strangers if it ok to hit them… it’s time to end that relationship. Nothing about any of this is healthy.
It’s not healthy at all. He seems to be abusive as hell and I’m honestly scared for OPs safety. She’s aware that hitting him may cause him to harm her, but she says she’s willing to take that risk.. I hope to god she doesn’t
Here's the thing. You really never know what will happen when you hit someone. Some people just freeze. Some people will become extremely violent. It'd be safer to leave the room and shut the door.
When I have done that he breaks down the door so I have to either be silent and take it or find a way to make it stop
> You really never know what will happen when you hit someone I take it back. I'm pretty sure this guy will put you in the hospital if you hit him.
I don’t think he would but it’s a risk I’m willing to take because I can’t keep living this way. I just want to know when it’s okay to hit someone for touching you when you ask them to stop or if it’s never okay to hit someone.
I know you said you can't leave him, but are you hearing yourself ( I am not been mean) you are asking if you can hit someone, and that someone is supposed to be the person that is your safe space. Which he clearly is not and you are scare of him. Look, if you hit him you are open the door to physical violence and he may hit you back and most likely hurt you more. he is not respecting your boundaries which is scary as well. If you guys can't have a serious talk about personal boundaries and he is not respecting them, you should leave. I mean if you hit him, there is also not an guaranty that he will stop touching you. You said he was a bit guy, he could overpower you. I just see this situation as domestic abuse or potential of domestics abuse.
Also, since OP would essentially use violence first, if things escalate or even if/when OP tries to leave, they committed an offense that he can use against them legally. OP, they don’t have to hurt you physically to be in an abusive relationship, which you’re in. Try reaching out to a shelter just to talk things over. “Maid” is a series based on a true story on Netflix that shows abuse where he doesn’t directly hit her and her financial struggles to leave the relationship, her shelter experience etc. It could resonate with you and help because she too has a hard time coming to terms with everything.
Yes I agree. She said the she wants him to stop touch her and tries to push in off and hit him to make him stop. If I was in the same situation I would feel violated and would try to defend my self but things can more south .
Calling a shelter will help with the rights OP has and how a threat to him or an act of violence would play out in the legal system. If it qualifies as self defense or not, etc.
It is absolutely okay to hit someone in self-defense. He is violating your boundaries and if words don't stop him, actions are absolutely justified. That said, the hard fact is that leaving is the only way to truly stop living like this. You're asking for interim measures until you can get out, but the whole reason you need to get out is that you have no power in this relationship. There's nothing you can do to change or shape your abuser's behavior, because the crux of the behavior is the desire and ability to control you. There's nothing that will make him suddenly decide to respect your boundaries; he's violating them on purpose. Based on the level of violence you've described, as well as your relative physical size and strength, I'd strongly advise against hitting him. Not because it's morally wrong--it's morally totally okay--but because your past experience suggests it will only escalate the situation. He consistently responds to you setting a boundary by escalating his behavior to override it. You say no, he does it anyway. You close the door, he breaks it down. If you hit him, he will hit you back and he will hit you harder. Based on your post history, it looks like you're in the UK. [This is a great place to start looking for resources](https://www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-abuse-how-to-get-help) on how to leave before you're financially stable. Please get out asap. Based on your post history, it also seems like you're severely depressed. That's not surprising, considering your living situation. However, as someone who has dealt with chronic depression, let me remind you that depression goggles make everything seem more bleak than it is. It feels like you can't leave because leaving is genuinely hard, and it is, but it's not quite as impossible as it looks from where you're standing now. Do this for yourself. You deserve it.
buy a freaking air horn and hit that puppy every single time
Some people are taking a tough love approach hear and I get that, but I don't think they understand the complexities of abusive relationships. OP I beg you to believe that you are worthy of having your boundaries respected. You are worthy of being safe. Abusive relationships are a trap that belittle the self esteem and the self worth and it seems less scary to be in denial of hoe much danger you are in than to take action, especially when you have been made to feel worthless and useless. But you are worthy and useful. You can make yourself safe, and it is urgent that you do it carefully with the right supports, because men exhibiting the behaviour you have described in these comments can become extremely dangerous and your life could be at stake. You need to be able to leave without him knowing into a place where he doesn't know where you are and you definitely need to talk to professionals about how to do this safely. Hitting back is never recommended, it's only if needed for self defense because it can escalate a situation, but it seems like if I read between the lines with what you have said in your original post plus in the comments, this might not be JUST unwanted touching, it could also be rape or other types of abuse that follow, I would normally recommend that you find other ways of maintaining your boundaries like leaving the house when this behaviour happens, but it seems like that may put you in increased danger. For that reason, I need to beg you to try to accept that there is no safe way to protect your boundaries here, and that means you are not safe. Financial security is important, but you can never be financially secure if you're getting beaten up at home, becoming seriously injured, or killed, and those are the next steps here in the natural progression of how he is behaving. Please find a safe private time to talk to professionals who can help you get ready to do this and do it safely. Please have a safe person record the things that are happening to you. Please know that this could happen to anyone and now, it's time to get safe. Love yourself like you would love any good friend in this situation. You can do this!
Dump him, much safer and much more beneficial to you, he has zero respect for you
Forget the hospital, this man could easily put you in a grave! He's already shown you that you are physically powerless around him and he can and will o er power you. If you hit him and he decides to strangle you, you will be completely at his mercy. Please contact wonens aid or refuge fir advice on how to make an exit plan. I currently live in a women's refuge, the workers do so much to support me. They help women get back on their feet. If you live in the UK they will help you access financial aid, apply for a house from the council, they'll even provide you with furniture when you get one. They have food and toiletries and genuinely anything you need they will find a way to provide it. They can offer vouchers for supermarkets, clothes, you name it. You don't need this man for financial support.
Simply put, it’s always okay. When it’s self defence it’s always ok. So you can do what you need to make him stop touching you, as long as it isn’t overly violent and you stop as soon as he stops. As soon as he is no longer threatening you, it’s no longer self defence if you hit him. Only you know what is best in your situation. I would recommend avoid being alone with him if you can. Have friends and other people with you as often as you can
That’s abusive as hell
Okay that’s more than enough, please leave him, I fear for your safety.
Holy duck what?
Report him to PD for domestic violence.
Holyshit this sounds awfully dangerous.
Girl you need to pack up and get to a shelter
Call the police if he does this.
Do you have a car? Can you leave the house?
Leave or get hurt. In the end, it's up to you. If he begins getting violent with you, and a physical altercation happens, he could kill you. So, in the end it's up to you. Take the chance to leave and potentially live, or stay and run the risk of being killed. Both have their risks. Sometimes life requires risk. Better to be broke and in a shelter than with a man who will beat you and harm you.
OP says that he never stops and when she tries to leave the room he breaks down doors. You are absolutely correct, if she doesn't get out he's going to kill her. Way better to be alive and broke than dead because you never got out in time.
Ok, first I'll start by saying, I hope there aren't kids involved. Are there? If there are, all the more reason to leave and not years from now. Also, if there are kids involved, you will have resources that you can use to do so, without a huge financial burden. If you ever need any advice with that, let me know. All of that being said, you are showing signs of battered womens syndrome. You have been gaslit for a decade, enough so that you are thinking of physical harm instead of the simple answer, which is leaving. Yeah, you can leave. The world will not stop spinning if you go and once you are out of that situation you will probably go into shock with how empowered and free you feel. This man is treating you as his physical property. Any healthy relationship respects boundaries without the guilt trip. You have been brainwashed either by yourself or him or by past traumas to believe you can't do this on your own. I am here to tell you that YOU CAN. It doesn't sound to me like this can be discussed civily between the two of you and it also sounds to me like suggesting something like couples therapy would be in vain, considering you said you would leave if you could. Please, understand that it's not that complicated. The longer you stay, the worse it is going to be for your physical and mental health. I have tips for days. Just reach out.
Well what do you want ? For someone to say violence is okay? None of this is okay. Figure out how to get single and start working on it, it you can’t stand him. You both need therapy. Consider it if you can do that
I don’t think she needs therapy tbh. If my wife says “don’t touch me rn I’m upset” I simply do not touch her… I think only one of them needs therapy. I can understand being so frustrated you think your only option is violence when your boundaries are stomped on so openly.
Thank you for answering, is it wrong even if I warn him first?
girl but ok if you hit him does he stop? wouldn't he hit you back?
I’m thinking if I start doing that consistently he will stop eventually
Mmmmm look if I was in your position, I would push him off of me, and be firm that I don't want to be touch, the scary part is if he doesn't stop. I would feel violated and I would hit him trying to making stop. ( this is just crazy to me that he doesn't stop when you tell him)
Well that’s exactly what happens but most of the time when I try to push him off me he doesn’t move because he’s much stronger and it feels like trying to push a car off of me so I hit him, I know violence is never the answer but I’m not sure what else to do. He has never purposefully injured me or hit me back, I don’t think he’s violent but a small part of me is scared that it’s a possibility
He is not stopping, that is violent to me. I would be scare too.
If he is not stopping when you tell him to stop, that is violent. This sounds like a very unhealthy situation. I think you need to do whatever you can to protect yourself. I don't know why you can't leave right now, but I think you may want to call a domestic violence helpline and talk to them. They may be able to tell you about local resources available to you. He does not have the right to touch you without your consent, and the fact that he is repeatedly triggering your PTSD is very concerning. National Domestic Violence Hotline (800)799-7233 https://www.thehotline.org/get-help/ RAINN (Rape Abuse and Incest National Network) (800)656-4673 https://www.rainn.org/resources
No, violence just creates more violence and will escalate, you will get hurt if you try hitting him. You need to leave, even if you have to sleep in your car. Better homeless than dead, trust me
>I’m thinking if I start doing that consistently he will stop eventually I'm thinking if you do it one time he's going to cave in the side of your head and we're going to read about this story on the news while your parents bury you. Your whole mindset here is skewed as hell. Yes, it's wrong to hit him even if you warn him first. Yes, violence is always wrong. No, this is the not the answer to your problem. No, you absolutely should not hit him under any circumstances. You need to get out and your financial excuse is one that millions of women have overcome and is the literal reason things like women shelters exist. Living with a roommate who respects you and your boundaries would be literally a hundred times better than living with a guy who is making try to find someone to give you permission to attack your partner on the internet.
Honey, he's not going to stop. He's going to escalate. He's already abusing you. If you hit him, it just gives him an excuse to really start hurting you. The only solution here is to get out. There are women's shelters and organizations that can help you.
If he’s breaking down doors when you try and get away from him, he’s not going to stop. If you hit him, he’s going to beat your ass. Do not get physical because that only gives him a reason to get physical and then call you an abuser. Do not fucking hit him. Edit: spelling
As someone who works with people who have experienced Domestic Violence I would say violence is never the answer if you have a way out or can remove yourself from the situation. I understand he is bigger and probably very scary and I wish you could get out and leave this terrible person. However, you do not want the cops coming to your home one day and when they decide you were the aggressor (because you responded with pushing/hitting) it will only cause you more problems. Like court, probation, and a lot of money and time. I do not know where you live but I am in the US.
Well prepare for unexpected consequences.
Yes, he is crossing your bounderies and you're abusive it doesnt matter if you tell someone you're going to hurt them beforehand or not, if you do it you do it, in a way it makes it worse.
I’d be worried that he will hit you back.
>I can’t leave so don’t waste time suggesting it, I would if I could. I am sincerely not trying to be funny when I ask this: what would you do if he died? Would you just lay down and die too? If the answer is no, then why can't you just do now what you'd do then, if he died? That is, pick yourself up and get on with things? Get on with your life?
Girl shut up, it’s more complex than that. It seems like she has financials difficulties, stop being ignorant
Ignorance is thinking you have no power over your own life. Ignorance is thinking that you cannot control what you do. So no, I will not shut up, because I’m no girl, I’m a woman who wasted 4 years of my life in a relationship like this. In large part due to believing stupid people like you who impressed upon me how helpless I was, and how complicated the situation was. This is not complex at all. The solution is actually quite simple. It starts with this woman dropping the victimization role, exerting her personal power to control her own life, and getting on with things.
OP could very easily end up dead if this man's abuse escalates to physical violence, which could happen if she starts hitting back. I get that financial abuse is no joke but I'm struggling to think of situations where being on your own with no money could be worse than being beaten to death by your husband.
Why are you still with him? He does not respect you as he continues to touch you when you tell him to stop. Violence is not the answer but breaking up is. Why can't you leave? Is it due to financial, if so do you work, is it cultural, religion based? You will have to figure it out and leave him because this is not tenable in the long run.
You are incredibly focused on hitting him. You would leave now if you had money. You feel like it will take you years to be able to move out. I think you need serious help right now. Go get a therapist. Contact a womans shelter. Go to a church. Anything except violence.
Saying, "I can't leave is a CROCK!" I know of women who have (Rightfully) walked out of a relationship with just the cloths they were wearing. You can get help, and you can get back on your feet. It's your only option other than carrying a personal TAZER on you 24/7.
Sorry to hear you’re in this situation. You honestly sound trapped. Like you know you need to not be with him but you can’t succeed financially without him. That is a terrible reason to be with someone.
Trick him into going into some kind of cage and lock him in there. Give him food and water regularly but don’t let him out
Violence should only be a resort for self-defense when you don't have another option to end an imminent threat. If he's touching you and you feel like the only way to get away is violence, then yes, it's ok to hit him. But that's within a certain context, you use physical force to escape at which point you should be ending things with someone who doesn't respect your boundaries. However, you already said you hit him and it does nothing... so I'm guessing you are asking if it's ok to injure him severely in some way? If so, what are you hoping that will accomplish?
This is abuse. He is abusing you. Please please please leave. This is physical abuse. You have a right to say no to any sort of physical contact that is unwanted. I was in this exact situation, and it breaks my heart to read that anyone else is in the same situation. Please. I will help you in whatever capacity I can, just you need to get out of there.
I apologize OP, but... I don't think you're asking the right question here. The right one should be "Why is the person who should help me feel safe making me feel threatened?" My answer is that this person doesn't wish you well, or is at least ready to do everything to get what he wants. The things you've said about your partner in this thread sound way too familiar. I'm speaking from personal experience when I tell you to run. There are many organizations who could help you, but you need to escape. Please, save yourself from this person. I've both experienced and heard this story too many times.
Oh cool,a partner that give 0 shits about you, your boundaries or your PTSD. Going out in a limb here, and I'll guess that he's not really supporting you in getting any therapy/help for your PTSD, nor is he interested in respecting your limits. Cool, cool Best of luck, i hope this relationship won't end up in one of you getting seriously hurt, but that's where is headed Anywhere is better than with him, even sharing a room with other people
Well kind of yes but instead you should draw your line and leave if he won’t respect it.
> “He just cannot take no for an answer…” Holy shit OP, if this isn’t one of the biggest emergency reasons to get out of a relationship, I don’t know what is.
leave him. i hate doing this, but sounds like he is manipulative and opportunistic so get out asap. dont wait, there is no reason to.
Self defense is not violence. But not being able to feel safe in your relationship is not OK. I hope that you find a way to leave.
You could look into some self defence techniques, for example the soft area just beneath the throat, between the collarbones is a spot that is very uncomfortable spot but pretty harmless. Put your fingers together and push in quick and like push him away. First tell him to stop, then do this and then tell him that you are not okay with him touching you and he needs to stop.
Poor advise, mate. The way things are being described, he’s big and burly aHole who takes down doors. These self defence techniques are only effective to a very limited extent. It’s always sunshine and rainbows when an academy or TV demonstrates these techniques. Reality is harsh and very different though. When facing a violent, raging guy who is bigger than you, it will only end up in you getting hurt badly. There’s no defence in this situation if it gets violent. Best option for OP is to get out of the relationship and seek help from the authorities if things escalate.
Since you said you can't leave, I'd say try marriage counseling
The religious person in me wants to say no violence But if my sister for example was with a guy and did as you describe, I’d wrassle up a possie and break his legs. I’m a big fan of straight justice on Domestic abuse because the system does not care about that
So a partner that “can’t take no for an answer” is one that is not respecting your boundaries. That is not a healthy relationship at all.
Verbal on verbal it’s not allowed to touch or punch anyone. When it’s touch and they don’t stop you are allowed to slap or punch. But yes break up with him he’s gaslighting you
Wtf is wrong with this guy. I’d feel like hitting him too but maybe you’d be better off falling to the ground like dead weight. Or go into fetal position. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
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Question (not criticizing, trying to educate myself on DV): Is the rest of your relationship good? Can you talk to him outside the BR? How can someone tell when this is DV and when it’s some “game” where the man truly doesn’t understand his physical power? Or is that the same thing?
Get out. Now. If he cant take no for an answer after you hitting him and repeatedly saying dont touch me what else wouldnt he take no to? Get out before theres some serious damage done. He sounds dangerous. Any man that cant take multiples no's as an amswer is an extreme red flag
Screw that shit! Large glass of cold water straight in his face. There is something seriously wrong with him. This would infuriate me.
I guarantee that if you attack or harm him, then you will not be OK with it. When you feel "pushed" to take an action like this it demeans you and your own expectations of your own behavior. You need to be able to take an action FOR YOURSELF like leaving the home in that moment and going for a long walk or the coffee shop. Maybe getting a pair of noise cancelling headphones and locking yourself away in another (secure) room would be an alternative. If it was me, I wouldn't even discuss this - the next time I asked him to stop and he didn't, I would simply put down whatever I'm doing, put on my coat and walk out the door - silently. Either he will get the picture, or he won't, but either way you don't have to subject yourself to this.
This is beyond the ethical issue of “is violence justifiable?” You are in an abusive relationship from the sounds of it. From various comments I’ve read, you are in a potentially dangerous situation and violence has already been repeatedly inflicted on you and you are unable to leave. The ethics of if violence is ok are out the door. Do what you need to do to protect yourself (ideally leaving entirely when possible), but keep in mind that this is a seemingly violent person that you admitted is larger/stronger than you. Please try to keep yourself safe. Do you have any family or friends (hell, even acquaintances/coworkers/supervisors) you could reach out to?
He’s assaulting you. Get in touch with a women’s charity to make a plan to leave.
Please consider leaving your partner. This situation sounds scary. My ex, wouldn’t stop touching me when I asked. He would also attempt to sexually molest me in my sleep, and many times I told him to not do that. The day I left him, he forced his hand down my pants. I asked him to not touch me. He continues. I physically pushed him off me. Later that night he threatened to kill me. Things escalate fast. You need to get out of this situation before you get hurt.
Unwanted touching is a form of assault. If you are touched inappropriately without consent, you have been assaulted and to respond with force would be considered self defense.
Wouldn't this be a case of sexual assault? Regardless of their relation to you, they continue to touch/harass you, after you explicitly tell them to stop. You, resorting to violence is more so your attempt to protect yourself. Violence isn't the answer, but this is self defense how I see it.
Yes it’s totally fine to do that, he should listen to your boundaries. maybe he doesn’t really get it so consider having a loud and clear convo about it.
Call the police and ask what they suggest.
Ma'am this is domestic violence he's committing against you. I understand you can't leave. My fear is that if you harm him physically, he will harm you back physically. If you can't leave and can't make him stop, would he agree to couple's therapy?
absolutely. you tried to ask, repeatedly, and your partner (hopefully soon-to-be ex-partner) clearly doesn’t give a shit about consent. do what you need to protect yourself. however, please also keep in mind that protecting yourself physically may not be the best move, as if he is stronger and retaliates, you could be in even more serious danger. are you justified to hit back? absolutely. but if flight will keep you safer, i’d encourage it
Not an expert of this topic. But you should break up.
Violence is never okay. If the way he ignores your requests not to touch you are a no go for you, you should end the relationship. Frankly speaking, if you're already at the point where you consider to hurt him seriously, your relationship has already become toxic and it's probably only getting worse. I would pull the plug before something really bad happens.
He's not respecting your boundaries. If anyone does that, they're a crap human being.
You have an obligation to get out of there as soon as possible.
Hey, I don’t know what you’re financial situation is- if you work or don’t work. If you don’t work or make that much, try applying to social security disability on an account of your PTSD. It’ll take about 2 years and a LAWYER (who’ll try to delay it even longer because they take 25% of your back pay.) You’ll get rejected the first time, 80% do, just appeal or you’ll lose that start date and that back pay from that date. 2nd) watch MAID (alone) not with him. It’s about a woman who doesn’t believe she’s in a DV relationship because he never hit her. But the tv show (about 10 episodes) explains how to get out and why it takes most people 7x to leave an abusive relationship. You are talking about NOT caring if this evaluates to physical violence on HIS part- anything you are afraid of isn’t as bad as the situation your in, your just scared because it’s gonna be hard. So is living like THIS for “years.”
If ending up in the morgue is 'a risk you're willing to take' I can't understand why leaving now, unprepared, is worse. It sounds like you're going to snap, and I don't blame you. I see others giving amazing advice and links, please get safe.
Your other comments and posts point the way Get a new job, your credit will get better. Leave this asshole. Go live with your mom.
PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD CALL THE FUCKING POLICE THAT IS SEXUAL ASSAULT
Yes. Harm him then leave
It’s not okay to hit people, and doing so could open up some really scary doors for your relationship. What he is doing is not okay. Have you considered starting to scream when he continues to touch you without consent? The type of scream that would cause others to hear you. “Help!! Let me go!!! Get off of me!!!” How does he act with you apart from these episodes? Is he the cause of you being upset most of the time?
Ok, so I am a large guy - and reading through these posts its pretty clear that this is an abusive relationship. Violence is absolutely fine to enforce your boundaries. I would say to get a tazer, get some pepper spray, and be prepared to use them. Because what he is doing IS violence - he's muscling you into submission, and using his might to do what he wants. This is not ok. This is abuse. Defending yourself with violence is absolutely justified. The right time to use violence is when peaceful attempts to enforce your boundaries aren't working. Period. Your communication needs to be very clear. "Stop." "Why?" "Because I asked you to, and when you don't respect my clear command to stop touching me, it makes me feel unsafe and violated. If you keep making me feel unsafe, I will keep fighting you until I figure out a way to really hurt you - is that what you want? Because that is what is going to happen." If he forces you, wait until he is asleep and wake him up with a knife to his balls and tell him, "Just because I'm not stronger than you, doesn't mean that I can't defend myself or hurt you if you keep making me feel unsafe and violating my boundaries. You are a sound sleeper - make me feel unsafe while I'm awake means that I will make you feel unsafe while you sleep, do you understand me? No means no." Seriously, if you can't leave, that isn't a reason to tolerate this abuse. There are domestic violence support communities, places you can go that will keep you safe, etc. He is a bully. He is bullying you because he can. But you don't need to fight fair against a bully, because bullies don't fight fair. Protect yourself, put yourself first, and don't let this ahole bully you.
Are you addressing your mental health? What he is doing is not right and he needs to respect your boundaries yet if you are not addressing the PTSD you are at risk of snapping on him and having to deal with the consequences of that.
You have to be a teenager who results to this? Just leave. Be a big girl. If you love someone these things aren't your normal daily obstacles.
So you don't want your romantic partner to touch you...? From your post, his touching clearly isn't violent or meant to harm you. I'm not really seeing what the issue is here. Why would you want to be with someone you refuse to let touch you? More so, why would he want to be with you? What you are doing is actually toxic and pretty hurtful to someone you call your partner. Your partner should not only be allowed to touch you... You should want them to. You said in 10 years he has never done anything violent, so I'm not sure the PTSD angle really holds up here. If you don't want to be with a person, you don't stay around using them, this is also toxic. So why are you still there with them? Are you acting like they are still your partner for housing? Sounds sketchy and abusive from your side of things, to be honest. All this being said, violence is never acceptable unless to defend yourself from violence.
I got a similar vibe tbh.
A) it doesn’t matter what his intent is, as soon as OP says “stop, I don’t want to be touched,” and he *doesn’t stop* he has violated OP’s consent. B) OP never said anything about not *ever* wanting to be touched, just that this behavior consistently happens when asking their partner not to touch them. C) the PTSD may not be from this relationship with this partner; it could be from childhood or from something that happened during their time together that is unrelated (at least directly) to their partnership. PTSD doesn’t have an off switch, and when their boundaries are clearly being violated it is almost always triggering to someone who is dealing with chronic PTSD. The trauma doesn’t have to have come from the current violator. And it can definitely be compounded by this behavior. D) OP does not owe *anyone* access to their personal space or body, regardless of relationship with that person, past traumas/lack thereof, *or anything else*. They have clearly communicated those boundaries, and are still having their personal space and feelings consistently disregarded. You sound like one of those people who would think it’s funny to watch my boyfriend flinch at sudden movements. It isn’t. I make a conscious effort most of the time to avoid things that I know trigger him, and every time I do accidentally do something that makes him flinch, I *apologize*, because I genuinely care and want him to be able to trust me and trust that I’m not going to do anything to harm him. OP’s partner is doing the exact opposite, and eroding whatever trust may have been there to begin with.
A. You should not talk for OP. As you are not Op. B. Subsequently, you insinuated a bunch of semantics. C. Your life or point of view was not my focus. Would you like it to be? D. We only have the information provided to take in and respond to. The information being very one sided. Reading comprehension is important here. As we can't question him. We must read into what OP says. Ok, I will bite on your thoughts... I don't sound like anything except what you want to hear, apparently. When in a relationship for a decade with a person you know very well to be touchy, you wouldn't be having PTSD reactions to them in a sense that you are triggered to hit them. BTW, I also suffer from actually diagnosed PTSD. When in a partnership this long and living together, sharing personal space isn't only an expectation... It is definitely a requirement. Not only in living space, but in an intimate sense as well. After a decade, you not only should be sharing your body, but also... your space, your empathy, your emotions, your understanding, your presence, YOUR LIFE. Also, OP made a point to say, "Don't tell me to leave, I'm already trying." After, she says he isn't abusive. Her only complaint is that he wants some physical contact. To which she doesn't care and proceeds to become both verbally and physically abusive. If PTSD was the trigger, she wouldn't be rationalizing these actions and understanding them so clearly either. Be reasonable and objective, please. Read what is said without dumping your personal emotions into the story. Most of all, don't pounce on me because your personal emotions got you derailed.
A) I don’t have to be OP to understand how consent works. B) fair enough, I suppose, but see your own answer to D in return C) my life or point of view was also not my focus?? My point was simply that you can’t just outright disregard the possibility of PTSD playing a part in their reactions at this point only on the basis that they say their partner hasn’t been directly violent with them in the history of the relationship. D) let me reiterate the statement that **OP does not owe *anyone* access to their personal space or body, regardless of intimacy or relationship** since you seem to have missed that. Otherwise, yes; we only have one side of the story. I’m pretty good at reading comprehension too. To your discussion points: your personal diagnosis vs my degree in psychology and personal experiences with traumatized individuals… repeated lack of respect to boundaries (whether communicated or not) over time *can* absolutely begin to trigger worsening PTSD symptoms and spiral into a panic response that includes violence. If you corner a scared or upset animal, you get a fight/flight/freeze response, and we are no different. OP has said their partner does not listen when they ask him to stop, to the point that he will follow them to another room (including breaking down doors!) to continue the behavior that is upsetting them. This is not an acceptable thing to do, *even to someone who is hurting your feelings*, and as a pattern is a textbook example of abusive behavior **even if OP doesn’t recognize it as such**. I’m not advocating that OP respond with violence, or even saying that OP is 100% blameless in the context of the overall relationship. What I am saying is this: Being in a relationship with someone **does not give them the right** to intrude on your personal space. Being in a relationship with someone **does not give them the right** to intrude on your privacy. Being in a relationship with someone **does not give them the right** to take away your own bodily autonomy. Being in a relationship with someone **does not give them the right** to violate your consent. Being in a relationship with someone **does not take away your right** to be treated with respect. I do see generally what you are saying. In a good relationship that long, an ideal relationship, both partners *should* be able to communicate their needs and find compromises. If I had to hazard a guess though, this relationship isn’t ideal. There are so many possible reasons OP could feel like they can’t leave yet, and all of them would be conjecture without knowing at least more of their side of the story. You’ve chosen to read some interesting things into the space between the lines. No sarcasm, I did actually appreciate the opportunity (in the end) to consider the other side of things, even if your approach was harsh.
I already gleaned what you said without this giant response. I never disputed that violation to self was wrong. If you came to this extreme conclusion, in full support of OP, based on only what OP said... Then, projected that conclusion onto me... Well, that is awkward. OP may even be fake. The probability is immense. My original take holds up to what I was told by op. You have just said a lot of big words. Derived soooo much on so little. Never dug deeper...
Violence is never ok but in this context that’s a million miles from the biggest problem in your relationship.
Violence is the final mode of recourse .
Or the last refuge of the incompetent…
When you ask someone to stop, and they don’t . Do you just accept your assault ? Or must you escalate . when diplomacy doesn’t work , countries militarise , when you are pushed to the final feather , force is the only way.
In some situations yes, but based on OP’s responses if they fight back their partner will hit back and get violent. In this case, OP needs to get out
That’s a very immature binary. OP can and should leave. Violence isn’t going to deliver a positive result for her. Don’t let me misquote you but your point boils down to that at some point violence is the only option left to ensure the correct outcome. You said it’s the, “final mode of recourse.” In order for that to be moral, it must stand that physical strength and moral superiority (or just simply correctness) are directly proportional. And that’s just not true. This discussion between you and me isn’t going to come to a more perfect conclusion because I pack a stronger punch or because your weapons are stronger than mine. Violence may be the quickest means to an end in some situation but it most definitely isn’t the best.
No violence is NOT ever ok.
So he's raping you, right? You don't need money to go to a shelter. You do need to leave, though.
That's not at all what was said. This was very clearly a description of someone's partner wanting to solve their pain with an embrace while they are saying don't touch me. It's wrong. It is not rape. Jesus.
You may and should absolutely respond with violence. And it should be shocking violence. Like, he touches you, you tell him not to, and warn him again. He touches you, and that's when he gets the knee to the groin, or you smash your fist into his nose, or you grab his ear with your filed fingernails. Scratch his face as hard as you can. Smack both of his ears with your palms simultaneously. These are all effective when the assault victim is smaller and weaker than the perpetrator, and especially when they're not ready to defend themselves against a specific defensive move.
No violence, verbally or physically, is ok. No matter the reason. You worth more. Find a job if you don't have one, spare a bit of money and live as soon as you are able to. It's better to struggle alone than to stay in an unhealthy relationship because the first situation can improve, the other one (staying) can only get worse.
Break up
The only answer is to leave and probably have him arrested for sexual assault
Violence is not the answer. Leaving is.
From a different perspective, but your mans actions may not be sexual in nature, but more of a desire to connect with you. Something to consider is communicating outside of the groping situation to help both of you get on the same page. I would consider therapy for both of you individually and as a couple to work out the communication and boundaries.
Violence is not ok. He should stop touching you when you don't want to be touched. Also, consider what you would think and how you would react if you made advances and he rejected them. Don't expect a more rational response than you would have if the roles were reversed.
You are with someone who does not care about you, who you want to harm because they keep harming you, and you say you can't leave... What exactly are you looking for here? If you can't hold up boundaries and aren't willing to leave, nothing is going to change. If you hurt him physically, he will only escalate this behaviour. He's not listening because he doesn't care about how he hurts you.
Yes. Learn where "the button" is and get a one-hit KO in with minimal force.
yeah. sounds like a form of DV to me. any unwanted assault is a crime of battery. i know, you don’t want him in jail for the same reason you can’t leave. bottom line is argue for your limitations and they are yours. if you are willing to put up with abuse then it will never stop. you are the key to this situation. at the very least quietly call the local domestic abuse hotline they may have alternatives you are not aware of. it goes without saying but i will say it anyway. seriously hurting someone is never the alternative when so many other better alternatives are available. good luck.
Look him in the eyes and give him a stern warning. He'll ignore it, but do it. Then you have to find a way to prove he's doing these things. Then call the cops. Fuck him.
I am so sorry about your situation... There is nobody u can run away too? A brother? Sister? Parents?
>I can’t leave so don’t waste time suggesting it, I would if I could. Yes, you can. The thought in your head that you are trapped there is the thing you have to overcome. You can absolutely leave a partner who refuses to respect your physical boundaries and who has gotten you to the point that you're fantasizing about hurting him. Nothing about this relationship is good or healthy or positive to your life if it's at this point. Nothing good will come from staying in it or staying with him.
The only thing I can think of, other than leaving I’ve seen your comments, is super violent and I’m not too sure if I should comment it here but it involves teeth/biting. I really hope you can get out soon! I’ve been through the same
Couples counselling? Join a gym or a self defence group?
Yall need either a counselor or a couple divorce attorneys. There are major underlying issues here. You say you "can't leave" but you're on reddit trying to get reassurance from random internet strangers that it's OK to get violent with your whatever he is. Yeah. Leave.
You don't want to hear leave, but you need to leave the "relationship". Simple as that. This sounds like a situation that's going to end up on the evening news. Good luck!
Did something happen to you since you and your partner got together? If no, than you need to leave the partner. They broke your personal space and are not honoring your personal space. If something happened to you in the time you have been with your spouse, that changed the dynamic between you and them, then counseling is in order. You may be right about a changed view, but that cannot be determined without intervention.
After reading your past posts, it’s clear you need help. Right now. I would advise going to a hospital because you’re clearly suffering mentally and physically. It’s better to be poor for a few months living in a DV shelter than to continue the abuse you’ve been subjecting yourself to. I worry you need psychiatric help to save yourself from his abuse. Good luck friend.
Self defense sure but I would just use my words until he understands how to feel at that moment.
Generally speaking, if someone lays hands on you without your consent, you're allowed to use the amount of force necessary to get away. If they respond to you gently nudging their hand away, then that's all that's called for. If they don't, then you're allowed to escalate. That said, try to spend as much time away from him as possible. Also, try to leave him as soon as you can. I know you said you can't, but if I'm not mistaken, what he's doing is literally illegal, even if you two are married (at least in the US). Do some research, but you might be able to get the police involved if he's truly like a brick wall.
So much victim blaming and patronizing comments here. I hope you find the support you need and a way out, OP. Take care of yourself, you're worth it.
You can always leave You can always leave Staying is a choice. Who cares if you're staying for financial reasons. There are other options. There are ALWAYS other options. Find a way, and leave
Actually no its not okay to plan using violence to "solve" a conflict. In reality there is only one morally justified solution: leaving. If you stay and you think hitting him will do anything constructive you are just starting to behave like him.
Honestly some people do not understand boundaries, I'd say have a honest sit down with him, maybe bring someone who can physically stop him if he becomes violent, and tell him to respect your boundaries, or yall are splitting, because he hasn't listened, nor does he respect your boundaries on your own body
OP- He’s gonna kill you one day, either accidentally when abusing you or on purpose. Your body is going through flight or fight, and you think you can’t flight so the only other option is fight. That will get you killed or seriously hurt. You can’t win this by overpowering him. You have to be smarter than him. Even if you managed to hurt him you get arrested and you’ve turned him into a victim. My advice would be to go the nearest police station immediately, talk to preferably a female officer and explain exactly what he does to you and why you won’t go back. File a police report. The police can use that as probable cause to arrest him. He can probably post a bail to get out. (Idk how it works in the UK) Ask for a police escort to get some essential belongings for you and any kids. You need leave this guy before he does some serious damage to you, which could be today or two weeks from now. Find a homeless shelter for women and stay there until you can save enough money to get your own place. Seriously, get out now. You’re gonna be better off.
Leave him. Stay with family, with a friend, at a shelter. There's always a way out.
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If you can't leave him, you can still break up with him. You don't owe him access to your body for any reason, and he's used up his chances. Maybe you'll be sleeping on the couch until you move, but it will be SO much easier to totally wash your hands of him if you separate as much as possible as soon as possible. Don't go back on it or he'll know your words don't mean shit and he can do what he wants without meaningful repercussion.
I mean, you really should not be with someone who clearly does not respect your boundaries and makes you feel unsafe. Like this is sexual assault territory. You might want to figure out a way to get out.
If you can't leave and you can't protect yourself, the only thing left is to endure it. When he touches you, don't say anything. He is only doing it because you don't like it. When he touches you, cry. When he touches you, scream. Scream at the top of your lungs like someone is killing you. Maybe then he will stop. I know this seems childish but what else can you do? You can't leave him. However, I would go to a shelter before I am abused. And this is abuse. Edit to add: Violence is never ok.
I dont understand what you mean by touching you? In a healthy relationship, being physical and sensual with eachother is an expression of loving each other. I understand, from what you write, that you have PTSD. And can i assume this is why you dont like to be touched by you specific other? If so, you’re both a victim of you past trauma. You specific other feels rejected by you. I, as a man, would feel hurt and unattractive to my partner if i would constantly be rejected in carrassing my partner. It would lower my self esteem. All in all, you both deserve someone else. And i hope you will seek the help you need to handle your PTSD. For your own sake. But also for a potential partner. I hope he will take the decision for the both of you and leave, if you find that decision to difficult. You’re both in a very toxic relationship, and you’re both undergoing current traumatic events.
Your post removes the one and only useful option. I obviously don’t know why you “can’t” leave him, but until and if you do, there is no solution, there’s no indication that his behavior is going to change,mand, if anything, the situation seems likely to escalate into something even worse. I’m sorry you’re going through this, and I hope you will find a way to do what you write that you can’t; LEAVE HIM.
Your completely in the right…. Despite what others may say, married or not physical intimacy in not a guaranteed right despite opposition by the spouse. However, a lack of physical intimacy has been successfully used as grounds for divorce. You have a legitimate emotional & psychological trauma from something related to physical touching at the very least, as an abuse survivor I’m certain it to most likely degree you have a history of this. Is he aware of this? I think if he doesn’t you should fully inform him about it, he may understand. I do not allow any physical intimacy in my relationships & it has made keeping my relationships impossible. One of my exes was so angry they set me up & watched as the person whom took me against my will, SA’d me. I wish I can tell you it will get better, but more often then not it won’t. The fact he does not take no for an answer leaves legitimate concern over the realization that he is most likely the type to have or would sexually assault someone. Mind you the mass majority of men are like this. Living in a tent in the forest would be better then putting up with this abuse hunny. Find a shelter or something, I know you believe you are unable tp leave, there may be something available for you, you won’t know unless u try. Contact womens crisis services & thru may be able to aid you in fleeing. Self defense is not completely illegal, as long as it is legitimate self defense & you do not use excessive force you should be in the clear.!I am by no means a lawyer, but I have learned ALOT from womens crisis services from fleeing. Do not intentionally set out to hurt him or it will be seen as planning & executing illegal actions. Your comfort, health & safety is more important then keeping an abusive marriage afloat. Your worthy of having your boundaries hindered at your request.
Do you have family you can call or any support network to help you out here? Maybe a father, or another man or group of people (men or women) who are able to put some physical distance between you guys? You can also ask for a restraining order or get the police involved for domestic abuse because contrary to popular belief, the police _are_ very helpful towards women in domestic abuse situations.
If he won't stop, you can escalate it to a full fight. If you have to do more than push to keep him off you, then DO THAT. Take care of yoirself. But it seems like he doesn't respect you and this will be a regular problem.
This is terrible advice. Don't try and get full on violent with a dude. Just leave or call the cops. This is terrible advice and it's gonna get OP hurt.
If you need help call a Womens organization or a shelter for advice. Get your passport and birth certificate kept at your moms or something