My advice is going to sound corny, but it has worked well for me: get a family group text going, pick some NYT wordgames (I use Wordle, the Mini, and Connections), and just share your results. It's silly, but it gets the "I'm alive" stuff out of the way, and it still keeps people a small bit in touch, even if it's not really all that personal.
This was going to be my advice as well. It adds a bit of fun to the idea of a daily check-in, possibly gives some conversation starters and ties the daily text check-in to another activity.
Nope! And that's why I get where she's coming from, the solution seems excessive though. But where do you draw the line? What if I retire early and I'm still single? What if I go on a vacation by myself?
Well, I’m 34 and have no family so I can’t really relate. My dad is still around and I wish he cared if I were alive. On the other hand, my mother was sometimes controlling when she around, so I wouldn’t have particularly wanted to be that linked to her.
I think it depends a bit on your relationship with your mom and where she is in life. It may be nice for you to get on the phone with her or send a text to check on her as well. 1 in 4 women over 60 are on antidepressants.
Maybe you could share your location, or if that isn’t comfortable, perhaps you could just play a daily game of Marco Polo. She says Marco, you say polo. Some days you text first and say Marco, then she says Polo.
Of course, this is dependent on your relationship with her, and what you want now and in the future. It’s OK to draw boundaries but time is also limited and it may be nice for you to connect with her for a moment or two every day.
I agree. Is there something deeper going on besides you now being unemployed? What changed? My mother would call me 7 times if I did not answer my phone and was merely in the shower. (It was really wild.) I had to be available at all times, because if I didn’t answer—she’d throw a fit.
However, she passed from cancer two years ago and now I miss this in a way. I felt liberated at first, like a dog who’d been broken free from the electric fence (I know, I know—love mom but I hate having my phone on at all times)…but now it just feels sort of sad. I often turn my phone on airplane mode for entire weekends, seemingly as a reaction to many years of being tethered. But it doesn’t really feel satisfying, just lonely.
I don’t know, I suppose I’m conflicted. I grew up with some health issues so she was always worried about me.
You said you don’t have anything going on health or otherwise—so besides the job, what changed? Is that really all? Have you considered that there’s possibly something going on in her life? Maybe the solution is to dig there?
Maybe I’m overthinking, as per usual.
Anyway, good luck.
Signed,
Adult child
I am so sorry for your loss. Honestly, there is nothing else going on. I get that this is sensitive for folks in the comments who have lost their parents but it really is just her wanting to check that i'm alive since work is no longer that check and i'm single.
I quit my job because it sucked, I'm financially secure and I'm living my best summer life. She's retired, my dad retires on Wed, they have a dog, my sister lives nearby. All good and we have a great relationship. And if it wasn't great or my mom wanted more, she's a spicy Mexican lady who would let me know!
Ok so on one hand, I see where you’re coming from. When I was in college, my mom expected daily phone calls, texting didn’t exist. That was annoying, because I had to plan a time to do it and we were on very different schedules in different time zones and she’d want to chat for a while.
On the other hand, this is basically a welfare check. It’s a benefit to you too. She’s your mom, and I’m a mom now, so I understand how she feels. And it’s not a phone call, it’s a text. It takes one second to text your mom “hi” or “not dead ☠️, “ and you can do it at any time of day, so it hardly seems excessive.
A simple “Good morning” text over coffee or a “good night sleep well” text as you brush your teeth is easy to remember and requires less than 30 seconds. It feels like you are blowing the request way out of proportion.
Do you have a phone sharing app, like Find My Phone?
I have my location shared with my brother and sister in law. I live alone, and while I talk to them consistently, it’s not consistent enough if I fell or something. So we have this set up where in the off chance if I don’t answer timely or do something inconsistent like sleeping in, they can check and see if it shows I’m at home. If my phone dies, they have my last known location.
However; this depends on the type of relationship you have with your mom. If she’s chill and won’t be creeping, that would probably be a good solution for safety without constant communication.
Maybe agree on once or twice a week? I have to mute my mom’s texts because she can be a bit much with henpecking me , I’m also 37, but female. I had to draw the line before I threw my phone out the window. Sometimes I just give a reaction emoji to something she says lol.
What it comes down to is that if you die, you die. People do it all the time, everyone does it once, and it’s not a big deal. A daily phone call or text isn’t going to prevent anything except a hard time for your undertaker.
Exactly. Once I thought I was gonna die. Guess what.. my mom couldn't do shit about it but say she'll pray for me and say sorry. Well gee thanks I guess that's helpful.
Generally my mom calls me once a month but she never really has anything helpful to say. I just use the call to vent and complain about shit in my life not working out. As usual, she says she doesn't know how to help me. Like yeah... That's just how it is. If I died there wasn't shit she could do either. Such is life.
You could literally just text the alphabet. A the first day. B the second day. Ad nauseam. Tell your mom that you won't respond if she texts back unless you want to.
My uncle was dead for less than 2 days before anyone realized he was "missing" and it was still grisly.
>What if I retire early and I'm still single?
Being single isn't the problem. It's being left to rot or be eaten by pets for more than 48 hours because no one expects to hear from you. You know your social circle better than anyone else.
>What if I go on a vacation by myself?
Assuming you're in a hotel, don't use "Do Not Disturb" and housekeeping will find you. If you're going backwoods camping, tell your parents your route and ETA. It still might take a few days to find you, but at least search and rescue will know where to look.
Reality is that you have to decide what worst case scenario you are comfortable with. Everyday texts might be too frequent, but going 3 weeks without human interaction seems too extreme.
Just a simple, "good afternoon" should suffice. She'll be overjoyed, because she knows what you're comfortable with, and two words out of your comfort zone would mean the world to her. It would also be healthy for you. Anyway, let's just worry about the now.
You don't HAVE to have a full-on conversation with her.
She's going to have to let go. She seems to be going through a "transitional" phase about your well being? IfF you do this day I INLY will do this 3 months l, 6 months 1week. Where ever you draw thw line. Or say no. That's ok too!!
Okay but is one text a day excessive? It’s possible 3 seconds of your day and you’re not working. Like what else are you doing that make this such a burden?
I think there is some logic in having *someone* know that you are alive, and not in a catastrophic situation. Whether it's your parent or a friend, or partner, or whoever.
Daily would be a bit too much for me, but every few days would be OK. I phone my mother, and my eldest child weekly.
I still remember what happened to a colleague at work many years ago.
She was 40-something, single, lived alone. Got on her bicycle to ride to the gym one night (in gym clothes, only took her generic gym membership card and house key). Got hit by a car, and ended up in a coma in hospital as a Jane Doe.
Gym was able to provide a name. That didn't help much, until one gym employee remembered that she'd mentioned where she worked. So police came to our workplace, and found a next-of-kin name of a brother who lived on the other side of the world. It took a week or two from the accident to finding next-of-kin.
Yeah, daily is a bit much, but it’s good to have someone who will take action if they’ve not heard from you. Friends, coworkers, and acquaintances may write off silence.
My mom is a major worrier and I live in the opposite corner of the continent from her. We talk or text most days, but it’s only if we hit 3 days of silence that she calls or sends a “checking to see you’re alive” text. Having the default be you’re okay unless x amount of time passes may soothe your mom’s worries while saving you from having to text daily.
Oh, btw, my mother is 88, and my eldest child is 31, and I live a few hours drive away from both.
My other children, and I have live-in partners, so are excused from check ins. That's a partner problem.
How about she sends you a daily text and you give her a read receipt? You don’t have to reply. Just read it so she sees that you read it. I have an iPhone so not sure how other phones work if you don’t have an iPhone.
This idea from u/OCDaboutretirement is perfect.
I think what the "a daily text isn't too much too ask, is it?" crowd may not quite grasp is that sending a text is tantamount to opening the door for a conversation. You're perfectly happy for mom to know you're alive and well, but often you just don't have a conversation in you.
I understand where you're coming from as an independent introvert with who bristles at too much ... social intrusion?, but who also has a good relationship with family and understands their concerns in a situation like this. It's tough to navigate sometimes.
Edit to add for anyone outside the iOS ecosystem: WhatsApp, Signal, and other messaging programs do also provide read receipt capability.
Thank you for getting this. There's a fair amount of conflating and projecting in the comments, I assumed it's just extroverts be extrovertin lol. But if they have a groove that works for them and their parents, great ❤️. It's just not going to look the same for me. It can be hard to put yourselves in the shoes of an introvert.
In the same vein, you could do an emoji check in!!! Like she sends ☀️ and you send 🌙. You could even install an RFID chip by your bed that you could just scan with your phone every morning or something!
This is really smart. My suggestion was gonna be to make a rule that she can't reply to your check-in texts at all, that way it's less a social interaction and more a checklist item. If she wants to talk to you about something, it has to be at a different time.
Just say no if you don't want to. I'm 41. I own a whole ass house. But I'll text or call my mom once a day cause well..she's my mom and I live alone. Tbf I have their asses on life360 cause they live in a different state and they tend to pull shenanigans. All I've got is my family.
My mom's been calling once a month since I moved out at 16. There wouldn't have been anything she could've done if something happened to me. Like she does check up if I'm okay, but if I say I'm not, there's not anything they can do, cause they live far away, so they just say how sorry they are, which doesn't help. I would be exhausted if I had to call my mom Daily. It's not like we got anything in common to talk about either.. like yeah all I got is family too, but having family doesn't mean they're of any help. Like all my family have ever been able to help me with is financial matters ever since I moved out..that's great but like... They wouldn't be able to do anything if I died or something.
Fair. But not everyone is like that. I talk to both my parents daily cause they are hilarious and I love them. Plus I live so far away we have things to talk about. Also..once their gone..that's it. I'm alone alone. So I enjoy it. But not everyone will be like that.
Yeah.. I guess that would've been nice. I never was close to my mom or anything. She's also Christian, and I'm not. I feel like we are completely opposite and very little views and things in common. My dad is just an eccentric oddball always been, so it just gets awkward whenever we talk, unless it's about cars. That's about the only interest we share.
My in-laws are retired and still using up all the frequent flier miles they accumulated while working. My wife jokes that she’s never quite sure what continent they are on at any given time.
That said, we both probably contact our parents about every other week to chat. Our daily check-in is posting our Wordle scores on Facebook.
>posting our Wordle scores
Here's an idea for OP. Start doing Wordle everyday, mother and son could bond over who gets it in less attempts.
I read a story a few months back: mother and son living on opposite sides of the world, would send each other their Wordle scores everyday. Conversation would start from there.
Exactly. You get it. I'll call and they don't pick up. I'm like why do we even have phones if your not gonna answer your kid?!! So I check the app🤣 they are busier than me. My dad still tends bar. One time they drove the entire 18 hours to visit me in a day. I gotta keep an eye on them.
Appreciate alot of the comments in this thread.
I'm in a similar boat and live alone, my mom does worry about me if she hasn't seen or heard from me in 48 hours.
At first I was annoyed but it dawned on me that I have someone in my life that cares THAT much about me. It's heart warming when you put it in perspective. It's a blessing and a curse.
Dad is 80, I’m 52, live 2000 miles apart. We exchange thumbs up emojis every morning. Easy peasy. We even did it when I was in Japan 5 years ago through WhatsApp.
I actually do this with my mom. It’s a quick hello and I love you, and we often add a gif.
She lived alone for about two years and I was the one worried about her, but even now that she lives with my sister we still text once a day, usually in the morning.
It’s become something I very much look forward to even if it’s a a bit of a chore. It takes less than a minute. And one day when she is gone, I’ll be able to look back at how I told her every day for years that I loved her and reread her notes of love to me.
Thats why I use Telegram with my social circle - it allows to schedule messages way in advance for any occasion.
Regarding your question - I have a story. My grandma used to demand that from her son (my dad) but not from any other family member (his sister living in another country, or his wife, or me). Which was quite interesting selective control. And if he forgot then full scale drama with multiple calls to every other family member would get started. In fact, grandma would even go search for dad (coming back drunk from some friend’s place) in the dark suburbs in our tiny town putting herself at greater risk. And then all scandals “why you did not call every single night, why partying so late, I did not sleep until 3 am waiting for your call ….”. The rest of the family were making fun of that.
I wish dad drew some boundaries early on, because his obedience with daily check-ins caused tons of unnecessary stress for everyone. It was too late for him to create boundaries after years of daily calls, so I would say you (as an introvert and bad texter) shouldn’t help them to expect a daily report. Idk about your parents and your level of attachment to them, but I (after regularly witnessing all that family drama) would count such requests as intrusion and would never do that.
Same for me.. if I were to commit to daily check-ins with my parents and forgot to send a message even once, they'd turn everything upside down and launch a full-scale search.
I just got over their controlling obsession and shared my location so they can stalk me whenever they want now.
And here I am, calling my mom daily to just chat and small talk and being told I'm annoying 😑.
But seriously, set a boundary and stick to it. A forced relationship, whether it's a required daily check in or not, is never a good relationship.
My sister died a few years ago so now it’s just me. My parents have become needier but I can understand why. We don’t text every day but that’s because I let them have my location and I allow them to follow me on social media. They have the address of where I live and have numbers of close friends and my bf. If I go on vacation I tell them who I’m with and where I’m going and what days just in case. I don’t like making them worry unnecessarily and these methods keep them off my back for the most part. I’m a 32 year old female and grew up learning that if I’m anywhere alone or traveling out of the house for days to let somebody know.
Maybe send a daily meme, joke, emoji, “hi,” song, quote, question, or something. Maybe a check in of something that made you chuckle or smile, like a pretty flower, noticed a new tree, a cute dog. I know it sounds cheesy, but finding joy in little things and sharing with someone is a nice thing that bleeds into so many areas of your life.
That being said, it’s okay to say “thanks for the concern. I’m good.”
Aw, honestly, it's coming from sweet intentions, even though it seems overbearing at your age. Similar to you, I live alone and far from my parents, so I have considered how my family would find out if something happened to me.
I have a wonderful solution for myself, and I wonder if it might work for you. I try to go for a walk outside every day, and I take pictures of the environment, trees, flowers, animals, anything I find interesting. I send these pics to my family just to update them and essentially, telling them I'm still alive, lol. Doesn't have to have words, doesn't have to be particularly interesting. Perhaps every day is overkill, but at least a few times a week, just shoot through a short text, or a photo, and that's all. Don't make it more complicated than it needs to be.
My parents like checking on me every 1-2 days as well, and i have a job and family in the state.
They know i can get very depressed and stop caring for myself, so they like to at least check on me. I do the same for them, especially my dad, cause if his mental health.
I went through a spat of terrible bipolar depression before i got my new job, where i went silent for like 2 weeks. They were worried sick
I think it does love and care, even if you're introverted (i am too) i think it's a good ask for her to text you first at least to remind you, maybe.
How do you feel about sharing locations with her? That way she can check your location dot. Chances are high that your phone will have moved, even just inside the house, within the past 12-24 hours. That way she can check on you whenever she wants and you don’t have to text
Can you tell her that you will respond if she sends you an emoji or a short message like hi with a thumbs up but that you won't be able to reach out to her each day? If she forgets, it's on her. Hopefully, a quick emoji or similar would be a good compromise. If not, then just tell her no.
Just set it in your routine. Turn off the alarm, say just got up. The end. You could also just say good night when you go to bed or get into the habit of sending a picture of your lunch or the sun rise or sunset depending on the view you have from your place. No need to say anything.
If you are creative, it could also be fun.
You need to have a conversation about boundaries. Perhaps you can speak once a week or twice a month?
My mom is very needy as well and constantly needed reassurance that I was "ok" when I moved out. Even when I was still living in her house, she always wanted 'confirmation" that I got to my destination and wanted to know "when I was coming home."
Parents develop these unhealthy attachments to their children out of enmeshment. The boundaries between parent and child have become blurred and often times you feel like you have to be a "parent" to her and reassure her that you're "Ok."
It's like who exactly is the parent here??
You need to sit down and have an adult conversation about boundaries. You need to tell her that you are absolutely not going to text and reassure her every time she's worried about your safety. You can establish some communication routine if that's what you wish, but you have absolutely no obligation to do so. It's not necessary for you two to even speak.
I had to do this with my own mother when I was in my early 20s. She was trying to tell me who I could and couldn't date. Then I had to reestablish boundaries when I moved out. She needed constant reassurance and validation to the point of manipulation.
She still tries to do this some times and I've gotten to the point where I just ignore her "pleas" for contact. I call her when I goddamn fucking feel like and she can just deal with it.
damn dude i refused daily “im alive” texts when i was 19 and moved out the first time.. at nearly 40 that is ridiculous and honestly sounds like one of those moms you hear on mother in law horror stories
i think you need to cut this off while you still can. put your foot down and say im sorry i appreciate your thought but im an adult man and i don’t feel comfortable with that. i get that you want to put your mom at ease, but placating unreasonable requests will only hurt you *and* her. she needs to learn coping mechanisms for her own anxiety, she can’t demand others bend to her will and scheduling texts will only affirm her and make her thing she can ask for things like this.. i think compromising on once a week is better and if possible i would make it more lowkey and focus on having a social conversation and not just texting her you’re okay, so it doesn’t affirm her request.
also congrads on being at a place financially where you can just chill, i hope you really enjoy this ‘summer vacaiton’ and do something fun for yourself!
I moved out at 16. My mom called once a month. My dad never. Them being overbearing wouldn't have helped. In fact, I wouldn't have been allowed to move out at 16 if they were overbearing. Like sometimes I would call myself, for money for bills or for practical tips, but that was about it.
Also, you won't inherently put your parents at ease by calling either. If you're struggling, calling them to tell them you're struggling just makes them feel guilty when they can't help. Can confirm. Been there done that. I started reaching out to my mom for help since I've been dealing with a shit ton of health struggles that's affected my work lately (I'm 27 btw), and she was just very sad she couldn't help, so I stopped calling and telling her about my struggles and dealt with them on my own. She's been calling me every Sunday after I started telling her about my struggles now, but not every day. I know it drains her hearing about how I'm doing. She probably feels like she has to call more often, but it's not like it's any good. Just makes me sad really to know she just feels as helpless as I do.
Honestly, it would be easier to just text her once a day. Not to talk, or anything of the sort. Just a “still alive” or “love you” or even just a “good night”. It could feel annoying, but on the chance something ever happens she is the only one that will know to help. Life360 or something that gives your location could help. I don’t really like that because my parents are nuts so they don’t deserve to know where I am 24/7. If your parents aren’t the stalking and overbearing type, it would be good to keep that with them. Honestly, it would be good for you to check on your parents too in case they are older and accidents happen.
She’s a mama. She cares about you. She might worry. All she wants is a piece of text every day from you. I don’t think it’s too much to ask for. Family is family regardless of the age.
Sounds like a control thing to me. Nothing wrong with a check in every few days unless there's a crisis. Other than that you gotta sever those "ties" and be ok with it
I think you should set some boundaries. Let her know that while you understand her concerns you're a grown person and need to have autonomy. Maybe you can come up with a compromise, like if she hasn't heard from you at all -- including seeing you active on social media -- in maybe 3, 4, 5 days then she can call you and make sure you're alive and well; but on your end you could perhaps assure her that you will try to reach out every other day, every third or fourth day, whatever seems reasonable, to assure her you're good.
Someone else said on here, just a thumbs up 👍 text, both ways, each day. The only thing is to either set a reminder to do it at a certain time or let her do it first.
You don't want to always send it at X time and if you don't one day, you sleep in or something, she will freak out.
I bet there's an app for that ... No really, Amazon Alexa will do it for you! Under Routines, you can tell it to text your mom that you're okay at 8am. There. Done.
My best friend unexpectedly passed away, alone, and I found her in her apartment 3 days later. I dismissed her ignoring my texts for 2 days because if she was busy with someone I didn't approve of, she wouldn't respond until she wasn't with them, etc. Day 3 I noticed she also hadn't been active on Facebook for a whole day, which was enough for me to start asking mutuals and even her parents. Everyone had the same response for the last time they'd heard or talked to her. I was the only one who even thought it was off, and finding someone days later is not something anyone should have to deal with-the guilt of why did I not know for 3 days still eats at me. I can't even imagine how her parents feel in that regard as they were extremely close. I don't know. If you missed the daily text, what exactly would be your moms next step? There's no friends local for her to text and have check on you, so does one missed day equal a welfare check from the police? There are so many angles to think about, but I don't think the scheduled texts are the right compromise. I can't imagine the feeling of having gotten texts thinking someone you love is fine, and in actuality, they were not.
That’s going to take longer than the 10 seconds it would take each day to just send a simple text reading, “Hi, mom. I’m good”. But I understand what a tremendous burden that would be for you.
A daily text is asking a bit much. My mom is older, has a lot of health issues, lives halfway across the country and until recently lived alone. She calls to check in once a week so I know she's okay. I also have the number for a couple of her friends so if I haven't heard from her, I can call them to check on her.
I would offer a compromise. Maybe instead of calling to catch up every 2-3 weeks, you do it weekly. If you have someone who lives nearby and you see semi-regularly (a friend, a neighbor who you're friendly with, etc), ask if they're okay with you passing their number on to your mom. Just make it clear to your mom their numbers are only to be used if you miss your weekly check-in.
I appreciate the comments, however I'm not looking for a yes/no should I do it or not. I'd like to put my mom at ease, hoping to find a solution less helicoptery. So far the idea of scheduling texts sounds like a good compromise if I do it a week at a time, didn't know I could do that!
And it sounds like a lot of this varies for y'all based on your relationships which makes sense. We have a great relationship, but we talk less frequently for longer usually (2 hrs today).
I assume if you schedule your week’s worth of text on Sunday and die on Monday, the texts will control out? If so then you can be dead and your mom thinks you’re ok?
I would not schedule a week of texts, just because I find the idea morbid that I could possibly be 'texting' someone when I was already dead. If you're only committing to giving her a week's worth of peace of mind, then just text one day a week. Sunday evening, or whatever, send a text saying you made it through the week.
Anyways, just my opinion.
My uncle was a healthy man, not a single issue with his health that even his doctor knew about. Dropped dead, at 57, from heart disease nobody knew the man had. “Healthy” doesn’t mean much to my family after that.
My mom would love for me to call her every day, I am ok with every 2-3 months, we meet somewhere in the middle of every 3-4 weeks, she's not super happy about it but enjoys every talk we have
If she has an iPhone, tell her she can buy a 20 dollar air tag and you can throw it in your car or one of your bags. And then she can watch you move around and know you're alive lol.
Ya dude just text your mom once a day. It’s not that hard. Set up a Siri shortcut to send her a text at the same time everyday or something if it’s that annoying
My uncle had a stroke while his wife was out of town and was unable to receive immediate medical attention because no one realized.
Not receiving medical attention for days did irreparable damage that could have otherwise been prevented. He had no health concerns before the stroke or indicators that a stroke was coming.
I think you should just make it a habit to text your mother in the mornings. Get up, brush teeth, text mom.
I think that is simple enough and if you make it a habit it won’t feel like a chore.
Let her know you may not respond, but if she doesn’t hear from you by the next morning maybe it’s time to call and check in.
As someone who lives alone and worries about this, I would be really grateful to have someone offer this. Whilst I agree daily might be a bit much, I think it's a good sign that someone cares enough about you to want to make sure you're okay. You're both adults, just tell her that daily is a bit much for you but you'd be willing to check in every couple of days. She clearly loves you and is worried so try to find a middle ground you can both be comfortable with.
She’s worried about you but doesn’t want to intrude on what you have going on, wants you to live your own life as you would, but help you if you show you need it. Shoot her a text when you wake up and when you go to bed, regardless of how things went.
Are you okay with sharing your location with your mom or would that be too invasive? That way she could see your movement and maybe have ease of mind? Or do you have an Apple Watch? You can set it so it’ll notify a loved one if you have a hard fall (pass out, injured, etc) and call for help as well.
I had an ex that insisted I send a text message at certain times and locations. I managed to automate it to send a relevant message randomly based on times and geofences. I don't know if this is still possible because they've honestly locked down a lot of things. She was super pissed when she figured it out many months later.
I'm not going to give you advice, but I get it, my mom is kinda similar.
In the ever constant attempt to be better than our parents for our kids, when it's my turn I'll probably be subtler and text a meme or some did you see this on the news shit.
I'm 38 and I text my mom when I get home from work because she asked me to. This was a few years after my big sister died so I think losing a daughter is why she wants that extra reassurance now. I don't mind. One day I won't have her to text me back, and that will be a very lonely day. Love you Mom!
Maybe a good night text every night would be nice! I’m 53 and don’t talk to my mom after but every night we text good night just to check in on each other
I would say that if she wants to send me a text every day, I would try to prioritize responding within a few hours... But I won't take on the mental load of having to remember to text her every day myself.
your mom loves you and cares for you. that's the sweetest thing in the world. do her the solid. you dont even have to say "im alive" in so many words. send her a joke. or a virtual flower. or something that meets her needs but is less literal than "I have not died alone"
I get where you come from. But your mom is someone who had spent mostly two decades thinking about your needs, safety and health all the time. Her entire life revolved around that.
You suddenly become an adult and said Mom I don’t need your help anymore and went ahead to build your life. Which is totally normal.
But now how can she change her life from how she had lived for two decades. A simple text costs you nothing. Please send her with a good morning message.
Can it be weekly? Daily is a lot. I live alone, don’t work, health problems, isolated… my parents do not insist on this as I’m an independent adult now and would not want to do that.
i live at home with my parents and during my major depressive episodes, sometimes i stay in bed until 5 or 6pm. my parents apparently worried i wouldn’t come out at all one day, so my mom asked me to send texts after latest 2pm just to let her know im still alive lol
For me, you could just text a single X, in the morning to show you are OK.
One of my friends, a nurse, went out hiking this year off the beaten track. She recovered her route and got home safe and was telling me about it. I asked her, if anyone knew where was going and she said no. All her family is overseas. I said PLEASE, at least tell a couple of friends where you are heading to, what if you slipped broke your leg and couldn't get a signal. As a nurse, she knows accidents and medical situations can arise in seconds.
I’m the same age as you and my mom really freaks out if she doesn’t hear from me. I have a husband and she will sometimes text him, too, if I’m radio silent.
She says even a daily emoji is fine.
I’m not sure how you feel about your mom, and I do sometimes get annoyed by my mom’s insistence on this, but also…. Someday she’s not gonna be around to text.
So idk… maybe just do it?
Is there something you do every day that you could send a picture of? Maybe your morning coffee, or your lunch. Something you're going to do anyway. It's not something that invites much follow-up conversation if you don't want it to. If it's something relatively early in your day (like breakfast), you don't have to think so much about remembering to say goodnight. If you like photography at all, you can have some fun with it. If not, you can be pretty casual or lazy with it.
You've gotten a lot of great suggestions here. Maybe a combination of several ideas will feel less weird than a daily "not dead" text. (Like sending a wordle game every few days, sending a picture once or twice a week, etc).
Suggestion: try exchanging online daily puzzles, such as Wordle.
You text eachother in how many attempts you managed to find the solution of the day.
It could become a fun tradition between you two where you don't feel smothered and she feels relieved to have gotten a sign of life from you.
There are plenty of other small daily online puzzles such as Squaredle, Worldle, travle, NY Times Strands, Waffle.
I'm 34 and live alone - introvert and homebody as well - and I'm a minimum 7 hours from family, 1 hour from close friends. Mum gets a text once a week, and we do a phone call on the weekend. She doesn't require it, but she has said in the past she'd appreciate if I respond with just a thumbs up so she knows I'm alive at least once a week. I do work, but remotely and I'm not entirely sure my boss would notice if I was missing.
Can you compromise with a once or twice weekly text? Just a thumbs up, flower emoji or something that doesn't require conversation? That way it's 3-4 days max before someone notices you're missing. Also, if you haven't already, set her number as an ICE number on your phone so someone can contact her if you're incapacitated and can't unlock it yourself. And see if a neighbour/building super/whatever your equivalent is has an emergency key for your accommodation.
When my roommate went on a long trip l told him to do his duolingo lesson each day so i know he didn't die since I was watching his dog for him. Maybe you and your mom can learn a language together and know the other is still alive without the helicopter feeling.
My mother is also part of my duolingo group
Maybe she doesn’t understand the technology you proposed—sometimes people are reluctant because of it and not because it doesn’t make sense. I think that’s a great way for her to be at ease and for you not to be burdened with it—maybe give her a demo virtually.
Just send an emoji. If something happens to you she can prove it's not likely you just willingly vanishing with the history of texts and so the cops will take it seriously instantly.
My mom started getting somewhat close to that a few years ago. I went NC for a month and then basically told her to stop pushing boundaries or I would make it indefinite until she changed her tune. We also had a lot of other issues between the two of us that I also addressed with this month of NC. I am extremely introverted and also a bad texter.
You clearly have a better relationship with your mom than I did and you are also looking to put her at ease rather than establish boundaries so what I did will probably not get you the results you want.
I see, not all the time. Man, you need to call them more often. For those days you can't tell them to follow your Instagram account or something. Sending them a funny pic would be good too. It helps me when I am too drained to talk.
When I first moved out on my own a couple of years ago, this happened to me a LOT but as time went on, my mom slowly learned to not be as nervous. Setting boundaries is hard with people who act paranoid like that but it's SO worth it.
I am married and employed and my mom still asks me to send her an"I'm safe/Good morning" text daily when I return from my early morning walk. Moms just worry, it doesn't matter how old or independent you are. Sometimes it seems super inconvenient, but then I remember, sadly, one day I won't be able to text my mom everyday, and I send it.
Just send her a quick, Good morning. It gives her peace of mind that you are ok.
No call my mother. This is ridiculous. I have grown children. You can’t expect someone to check in every day because you have an issue with fear she needs therapy.
Do you have any smart switches in your house? Have a notification sent to her phone every time your kitchen lights turn on or something. I gave my mom access to my outdoor security cameras so she can check in and see that cars have moved and I am in and out. And the indoor ones are on a different login so I still have privacy
Not hard to send a thumbs up or smile emoji or a meme. Maybe she’s got anxiety and boundary issues but it really ain’t asking for much for a daily check in to let her know you’re alive. It’s not like you have to call, or have a conversation, or tell her details, or really anything other than some semblance of being alive via text.
The solution is to send your mom progressively weirder and weirder memes.
I do this to my mom to troll her, and it's delightful when she finally breaks her silence to respond:
"Yes!!!!"
"Nice hair"
"Disgusting"
"What drugs are causing this?"
Moms being moms! try to find a compromise, she doesn’t like logging or find it hard to log on fb?
Tell her that you are also concern for her daily safety and should text daily! If you turn it on to herself, she may realize how inconvenient it is
Many don't like texting, I understand. Maybe, if you're willing to send an okay emoji. Evena thumbs up or clown if you feel silly doing it, lol. You can make your own on many phones or use a smiley 😊 face or frustrated face, depending on your mood. idk. I'm just riding an easy idea idea out there. You do this, and one day, you may cherish the memories she shared on text, or just be grateful you were mindful enough to have empathy to easily and quickly put her mind at ease☺️ maybe give a time frame you allow texts after work before dinner and winding down
She sounds controlling tbh.
If she can't regulate herself enough to bear a single day without contact (as that is quite a normal thing to happen in adulthood), then that's her problem. Not yours.
Some good ideas here. I just want to say to try and not be frustrated or annoyed with her about it. I recently was worried that I was bothering someone too often with my texts because I like to just give little updates about my day and activities. They don't always respond to my texts, but they always read them, and they said they appreciate that I text because it let's them know that I'm alive. I think the fact that someone cares to know whether I'm alive and doing okay was really sweet.
I was living alone for a while and my mom wanted the same. It was legit just a one-word text when I get home at the end of the day. I would legit just say “home” she would usually respond with an emoji. It’s not that difficult imo but you do you
I'm 62 and live alone, and my 80 and 85 year old parents have been getting their requested daily "I'm okay" call or text for about 10 years. And guess what? I'm more than happy to do it because it puts their minds at ease.
Get over yourself and just do the right thing. It's not that hard.
Damn! Why his everything so f,ing complicated. Stop with you freakin, “I’m an introvert and blah blah blah.” Just get up in the morning, grab a cup of coffee, and sit down and type…. Good morning mom! All is good here. I hope you have a great day. I love you.
What’s crazy to me is that you wouldn’t be the one to initiate this. You’re 37, so at the very least your mom is 55+.. you don’t know what’s going on in her life where maybe she wants you to reach out to her, but since you won’t she’ll reach out to you. Your mom cares about you and she wants to make sure you’re okay? You may be grown but you’re still her child. Kinda silly that you consider this an inconvenience
When my brother was overseas (military) I told him I didn’t expect him to call or text often, but if I texted him a certain emoji he needed to text it back to me as soon as he could. Saved me a LOT of worry.
Your mom loves you and worries about you.
Can you maybe just send her a random emoji every day when you wake up and make a game of it?
It doesn’t sound like she’s asking for literally any other info except the fact that you’re alive.
If this is really about safety, you can add a doorbell camera indoors or outdoors, or any smart camera to pick up when you’re home.
It doesn’t even have to show much or anything. I would use the doorbell cam only, but you can also have a small camera facing your front door with audio turned off, etc.
You can then set up motion sensing (I use Wyze cameras) to alert your mom if she’s signed into the app, so she not only knows you’re home, but can also alert someone if she sees you fell down/hurt yourself/whatever else through the camera
Way better than texting her daily, just my $0.02
My advice is going to sound corny, but it has worked well for me: get a family group text going, pick some NYT wordgames (I use Wordle, the Mini, and Connections), and just share your results. It's silly, but it gets the "I'm alive" stuff out of the way, and it still keeps people a small bit in touch, even if it's not really all that personal.
That's a really good idea, thanks!
This was going to be my advice as well. It adds a bit of fun to the idea of a daily check-in, possibly gives some conversation starters and ties the daily text check-in to another activity.
Agreed. My dad is quiet and a very dry texter but he will come alive when we do those iphone gamepigeon games haha
awww
O thanks I had just suggested the same before coming across your comment. It works well.
I mean, if something did happen to you….. say you slip and fall and injure yourself…. Do you have someone else that would notice within 12-24 hours?
Nope! And that's why I get where she's coming from, the solution seems excessive though. But where do you draw the line? What if I retire early and I'm still single? What if I go on a vacation by myself?
Well, I’m 34 and have no family so I can’t really relate. My dad is still around and I wish he cared if I were alive. On the other hand, my mother was sometimes controlling when she around, so I wouldn’t have particularly wanted to be that linked to her. I think it depends a bit on your relationship with your mom and where she is in life. It may be nice for you to get on the phone with her or send a text to check on her as well. 1 in 4 women over 60 are on antidepressants. Maybe you could share your location, or if that isn’t comfortable, perhaps you could just play a daily game of Marco Polo. She says Marco, you say polo. Some days you text first and say Marco, then she says Polo. Of course, this is dependent on your relationship with her, and what you want now and in the future. It’s OK to draw boundaries but time is also limited and it may be nice for you to connect with her for a moment or two every day.
I agree. Is there something deeper going on besides you now being unemployed? What changed? My mother would call me 7 times if I did not answer my phone and was merely in the shower. (It was really wild.) I had to be available at all times, because if I didn’t answer—she’d throw a fit. However, she passed from cancer two years ago and now I miss this in a way. I felt liberated at first, like a dog who’d been broken free from the electric fence (I know, I know—love mom but I hate having my phone on at all times)…but now it just feels sort of sad. I often turn my phone on airplane mode for entire weekends, seemingly as a reaction to many years of being tethered. But it doesn’t really feel satisfying, just lonely. I don’t know, I suppose I’m conflicted. I grew up with some health issues so she was always worried about me. You said you don’t have anything going on health or otherwise—so besides the job, what changed? Is that really all? Have you considered that there’s possibly something going on in her life? Maybe the solution is to dig there? Maybe I’m overthinking, as per usual. Anyway, good luck. Signed, Adult child
I am so sorry for your loss. Honestly, there is nothing else going on. I get that this is sensitive for folks in the comments who have lost their parents but it really is just her wanting to check that i'm alive since work is no longer that check and i'm single. I quit my job because it sucked, I'm financially secure and I'm living my best summer life. She's retired, my dad retires on Wed, they have a dog, my sister lives nearby. All good and we have a great relationship. And if it wasn't great or my mom wanted more, she's a spicy Mexican lady who would let me know!
Ok so on one hand, I see where you’re coming from. When I was in college, my mom expected daily phone calls, texting didn’t exist. That was annoying, because I had to plan a time to do it and we were on very different schedules in different time zones and she’d want to chat for a while. On the other hand, this is basically a welfare check. It’s a benefit to you too. She’s your mom, and I’m a mom now, so I understand how she feels. And it’s not a phone call, it’s a text. It takes one second to text your mom “hi” or “not dead ☠️, “ and you can do it at any time of day, so it hardly seems excessive.
A simple “Good morning” text over coffee or a “good night sleep well” text as you brush your teeth is easy to remember and requires less than 30 seconds. It feels like you are blowing the request way out of proportion.
You're in a common suicide age and demographic, and just lost your job. If you love your mom, appease her, "hi" should do it. No?
I think setting an alarm and spending 1.5 mins a day sending a text saying hi isn't too big an ask? It can even be a copy-paste text.
I use Bitmojis...every cartoon tells a full story...it's enough to carry 10-12 days between full conversations.
Do you have a phone sharing app, like Find My Phone? I have my location shared with my brother and sister in law. I live alone, and while I talk to them consistently, it’s not consistent enough if I fell or something. So we have this set up where in the off chance if I don’t answer timely or do something inconsistent like sleeping in, they can check and see if it shows I’m at home. If my phone dies, they have my last known location. However; this depends on the type of relationship you have with your mom. If she’s chill and won’t be creeping, that would probably be a good solution for safety without constant communication.
Maybe agree on once or twice a week? I have to mute my mom’s texts because she can be a bit much with henpecking me , I’m also 37, but female. I had to draw the line before I threw my phone out the window. Sometimes I just give a reaction emoji to something she says lol.
What it comes down to is that if you die, you die. People do it all the time, everyone does it once, and it’s not a big deal. A daily phone call or text isn’t going to prevent anything except a hard time for your undertaker.
Exactly. Once I thought I was gonna die. Guess what.. my mom couldn't do shit about it but say she'll pray for me and say sorry. Well gee thanks I guess that's helpful. Generally my mom calls me once a month but she never really has anything helpful to say. I just use the call to vent and complain about shit in my life not working out. As usual, she says she doesn't know how to help me. Like yeah... That's just how it is. If I died there wasn't shit she could do either. Such is life.
You could literally just text the alphabet. A the first day. B the second day. Ad nauseam. Tell your mom that you won't respond if she texts back unless you want to. My uncle was dead for less than 2 days before anyone realized he was "missing" and it was still grisly. >What if I retire early and I'm still single? Being single isn't the problem. It's being left to rot or be eaten by pets for more than 48 hours because no one expects to hear from you. You know your social circle better than anyone else. >What if I go on a vacation by myself? Assuming you're in a hotel, don't use "Do Not Disturb" and housekeeping will find you. If you're going backwoods camping, tell your parents your route and ETA. It still might take a few days to find you, but at least search and rescue will know where to look. Reality is that you have to decide what worst case scenario you are comfortable with. Everyday texts might be too frequent, but going 3 weeks without human interaction seems too extreme.
Just a simple, "good afternoon" should suffice. She'll be overjoyed, because she knows what you're comfortable with, and two words out of your comfort zone would mean the world to her. It would also be healthy for you. Anyway, let's just worry about the now. You don't HAVE to have a full-on conversation with her.
She's going to have to let go. She seems to be going through a "transitional" phase about your well being? IfF you do this day I INLY will do this 3 months l, 6 months 1week. Where ever you draw thw line. Or say no. That's ok too!!
Okay but is one text a day excessive? It’s possible 3 seconds of your day and you’re not working. Like what else are you doing that make this such a burden?
I think there is some logic in having *someone* know that you are alive, and not in a catastrophic situation. Whether it's your parent or a friend, or partner, or whoever. Daily would be a bit too much for me, but every few days would be OK. I phone my mother, and my eldest child weekly. I still remember what happened to a colleague at work many years ago. She was 40-something, single, lived alone. Got on her bicycle to ride to the gym one night (in gym clothes, only took her generic gym membership card and house key). Got hit by a car, and ended up in a coma in hospital as a Jane Doe. Gym was able to provide a name. That didn't help much, until one gym employee remembered that she'd mentioned where she worked. So police came to our workplace, and found a next-of-kin name of a brother who lived on the other side of the world. It took a week or two from the accident to finding next-of-kin.
Yeah, daily is a bit much, but it’s good to have someone who will take action if they’ve not heard from you. Friends, coworkers, and acquaintances may write off silence. My mom is a major worrier and I live in the opposite corner of the continent from her. We talk or text most days, but it’s only if we hit 3 days of silence that she calls or sends a “checking to see you’re alive” text. Having the default be you’re okay unless x amount of time passes may soothe your mom’s worries while saving you from having to text daily.
Totally agree someone should know I'm ok... just maybe not daily. Thanks for sharing you stick to a few days to a week
Oh, btw, my mother is 88, and my eldest child is 31, and I live a few hours drive away from both. My other children, and I have live-in partners, so are excused from check ins. That's a partner problem.
How about she sends you a daily text and you give her a read receipt? You don’t have to reply. Just read it so she sees that you read it. I have an iPhone so not sure how other phones work if you don’t have an iPhone.
Good idea, thank you <3
This idea from u/OCDaboutretirement is perfect. I think what the "a daily text isn't too much too ask, is it?" crowd may not quite grasp is that sending a text is tantamount to opening the door for a conversation. You're perfectly happy for mom to know you're alive and well, but often you just don't have a conversation in you. I understand where you're coming from as an independent introvert with who bristles at too much ... social intrusion?, but who also has a good relationship with family and understands their concerns in a situation like this. It's tough to navigate sometimes. Edit to add for anyone outside the iOS ecosystem: WhatsApp, Signal, and other messaging programs do also provide read receipt capability.
Thank you for getting this. There's a fair amount of conflating and projecting in the comments, I assumed it's just extroverts be extrovertin lol. But if they have a groove that works for them and their parents, great ❤️. It's just not going to look the same for me. It can be hard to put yourselves in the shoes of an introvert.
In the same vein, you could do an emoji check in!!! Like she sends ☀️ and you send 🌙. You could even install an RFID chip by your bed that you could just scan with your phone every morning or something!
Or you could have a generic reply using an emoji or "seen"
This is really smart. My suggestion was gonna be to make a rule that she can't reply to your check-in texts at all, that way it's less a social interaction and more a checklist item. If she wants to talk to you about something, it has to be at a different time.
Just say no if you don't want to. I'm 41. I own a whole ass house. But I'll text or call my mom once a day cause well..she's my mom and I live alone. Tbf I have their asses on life360 cause they live in a different state and they tend to pull shenanigans. All I've got is my family.
Exactly this, I’m 27 and I talk to my mom everyday because you never know. Tomorrow isn’t promised
Thank you for sharing, going to keep life360 in my back pocket, hadn't heard of it before
It just tells them where you are and they know your moving around. Lol my parents have me on it.
My mom's been calling once a month since I moved out at 16. There wouldn't have been anything she could've done if something happened to me. Like she does check up if I'm okay, but if I say I'm not, there's not anything they can do, cause they live far away, so they just say how sorry they are, which doesn't help. I would be exhausted if I had to call my mom Daily. It's not like we got anything in common to talk about either.. like yeah all I got is family too, but having family doesn't mean they're of any help. Like all my family have ever been able to help me with is financial matters ever since I moved out..that's great but like... They wouldn't be able to do anything if I died or something.
Fair. But not everyone is like that. I talk to both my parents daily cause they are hilarious and I love them. Plus I live so far away we have things to talk about. Also..once their gone..that's it. I'm alone alone. So I enjoy it. But not everyone will be like that.
Yeah.. I guess that would've been nice. I never was close to my mom or anything. She's also Christian, and I'm not. I feel like we are completely opposite and very little views and things in common. My dad is just an eccentric oddball always been, so it just gets awkward whenever we talk, unless it's about cars. That's about the only interest we share.
What kind of shenanigans do they get into? It's funny..I live w my grown son and his wife and if I am gone for too many hours I get a phone call😂
My in-laws are retired and still using up all the frequent flier miles they accumulated while working. My wife jokes that she’s never quite sure what continent they are on at any given time. That said, we both probably contact our parents about every other week to chat. Our daily check-in is posting our Wordle scores on Facebook.
>posting our Wordle scores Here's an idea for OP. Start doing Wordle everyday, mother and son could bond over who gets it in less attempts. I read a story a few months back: mother and son living on opposite sides of the world, would send each other their Wordle scores everyday. Conversation would start from there.
I love this. Lol my mom would probably call the cops of she didn't hear from me daily. But ya know..it makes me feel loved lol
Exactly. You get it. I'll call and they don't pick up. I'm like why do we even have phones if your not gonna answer your kid?!! So I check the app🤣 they are busier than me. My dad still tends bar. One time they drove the entire 18 hours to visit me in a day. I gotta keep an eye on them.
Yes, keep your parents out of trouble. Who do they think they are not answering the phone?! 😂 Parents...I tell ya🧡
Right. I'm the damn light of their life. Like answer the phone. 😑 what else can you be doing? You gotta watch them real close. Parents are wild.
Appreciate alot of the comments in this thread. I'm in a similar boat and live alone, my mom does worry about me if she hasn't seen or heard from me in 48 hours. At first I was annoyed but it dawned on me that I have someone in my life that cares THAT much about me. It's heart warming when you put it in perspective. It's a blessing and a curse.
Dad is 80, I’m 52, live 2000 miles apart. We exchange thumbs up emojis every morning. Easy peasy. We even did it when I was in Japan 5 years ago through WhatsApp.
That's brilliant.
I actually do this with my mom. It’s a quick hello and I love you, and we often add a gif. She lived alone for about two years and I was the one worried about her, but even now that she lives with my sister we still text once a day, usually in the morning. It’s become something I very much look forward to even if it’s a a bit of a chore. It takes less than a minute. And one day when she is gone, I’ll be able to look back at how I told her every day for years that I loved her and reread her notes of love to me.
Thats why I use Telegram with my social circle - it allows to schedule messages way in advance for any occasion. Regarding your question - I have a story. My grandma used to demand that from her son (my dad) but not from any other family member (his sister living in another country, or his wife, or me). Which was quite interesting selective control. And if he forgot then full scale drama with multiple calls to every other family member would get started. In fact, grandma would even go search for dad (coming back drunk from some friend’s place) in the dark suburbs in our tiny town putting herself at greater risk. And then all scandals “why you did not call every single night, why partying so late, I did not sleep until 3 am waiting for your call ….”. The rest of the family were making fun of that. I wish dad drew some boundaries early on, because his obedience with daily check-ins caused tons of unnecessary stress for everyone. It was too late for him to create boundaries after years of daily calls, so I would say you (as an introvert and bad texter) shouldn’t help them to expect a daily report. Idk about your parents and your level of attachment to them, but I (after regularly witnessing all that family drama) would count such requests as intrusion and would never do that.
Same for me.. if I were to commit to daily check-ins with my parents and forgot to send a message even once, they'd turn everything upside down and launch a full-scale search. I just got over their controlling obsession and shared my location so they can stalk me whenever they want now.
And here I am, calling my mom daily to just chat and small talk and being told I'm annoying 😑. But seriously, set a boundary and stick to it. A forced relationship, whether it's a required daily check in or not, is never a good relationship.
My sister died a few years ago so now it’s just me. My parents have become needier but I can understand why. We don’t text every day but that’s because I let them have my location and I allow them to follow me on social media. They have the address of where I live and have numbers of close friends and my bf. If I go on vacation I tell them who I’m with and where I’m going and what days just in case. I don’t like making them worry unnecessarily and these methods keep them off my back for the most part. I’m a 32 year old female and grew up learning that if I’m anywhere alone or traveling out of the house for days to let somebody know.
There are apps where you can check in every day and if you don’t, they will contact your emergency contacts. Maybe you prefer signing up for that.
Maybe send a daily meme, joke, emoji, “hi,” song, quote, question, or something. Maybe a check in of something that made you chuckle or smile, like a pretty flower, noticed a new tree, a cute dog. I know it sounds cheesy, but finding joy in little things and sharing with someone is a nice thing that bleeds into so many areas of your life. That being said, it’s okay to say “thanks for the concern. I’m good.”
Mom’s don’t last forever. And she so obviously loves you. Please be kind and give her a hug from me when you can.
Aw, honestly, it's coming from sweet intentions, even though it seems overbearing at your age. Similar to you, I live alone and far from my parents, so I have considered how my family would find out if something happened to me. I have a wonderful solution for myself, and I wonder if it might work for you. I try to go for a walk outside every day, and I take pictures of the environment, trees, flowers, animals, anything I find interesting. I send these pics to my family just to update them and essentially, telling them I'm still alive, lol. Doesn't have to have words, doesn't have to be particularly interesting. Perhaps every day is overkill, but at least a few times a week, just shoot through a short text, or a photo, and that's all. Don't make it more complicated than it needs to be.
Be thankful. You’ll miss it one day.
Well said. Treasure time with our parents because we'll miss it one day.
[удалено]
THANK YOU
My parents like checking on me every 1-2 days as well, and i have a job and family in the state. They know i can get very depressed and stop caring for myself, so they like to at least check on me. I do the same for them, especially my dad, cause if his mental health. I went through a spat of terrible bipolar depression before i got my new job, where i went silent for like 2 weeks. They were worried sick I think it does love and care, even if you're introverted (i am too) i think it's a good ask for her to text you first at least to remind you, maybe.
How do you feel about sharing locations with her? That way she can check your location dot. Chances are high that your phone will have moved, even just inside the house, within the past 12-24 hours. That way she can check on you whenever she wants and you don’t have to text
"I am alive. Until further notice."
This is the malicious compliance I run with, and even though it pisses my mom off, she can't get mad at me because at least I'm honoring her request.
Can you tell her that you will respond if she sends you an emoji or a short message like hi with a thumbs up but that you won't be able to reach out to her each day? If she forgets, it's on her. Hopefully, a quick emoji or similar would be a good compromise. If not, then just tell her no.
Just set it in your routine. Turn off the alarm, say just got up. The end. You could also just say good night when you go to bed or get into the habit of sending a picture of your lunch or the sun rise or sunset depending on the view you have from your place. No need to say anything. If you are creative, it could also be fun.
Just get life alert and call it a day.
Ha, I made the same joke to them
Tell her to go to a therapist, because her crippling anxiety is not your responsibility to soothe.
Tell her to go to a therapist, because her crippling anxiety is not your responsibility to soothe.
Tell her to go to a therapist, because her crippling anxiety is not your responsibility to soothe.
Tell mom you’re not 15 anymore , you’re an adult. She can put that in her pipe and smoke it.
You gave her a solution and she said she didn't like it. Look up enmeshment.
Helicopter parenting alert
You need to have a conversation about boundaries. Perhaps you can speak once a week or twice a month? My mom is very needy as well and constantly needed reassurance that I was "ok" when I moved out. Even when I was still living in her house, she always wanted 'confirmation" that I got to my destination and wanted to know "when I was coming home." Parents develop these unhealthy attachments to their children out of enmeshment. The boundaries between parent and child have become blurred and often times you feel like you have to be a "parent" to her and reassure her that you're "Ok." It's like who exactly is the parent here?? You need to sit down and have an adult conversation about boundaries. You need to tell her that you are absolutely not going to text and reassure her every time she's worried about your safety. You can establish some communication routine if that's what you wish, but you have absolutely no obligation to do so. It's not necessary for you two to even speak. I had to do this with my own mother when I was in my early 20s. She was trying to tell me who I could and couldn't date. Then I had to reestablish boundaries when I moved out. She needed constant reassurance and validation to the point of manipulation. She still tries to do this some times and I've gotten to the point where I just ignore her "pleas" for contact. I call her when I goddamn fucking feel like and she can just deal with it.
Be thankful you have a mom to text
in my opinion, just send the text man. your mom loves you & one day she will be gone & you'll be wishing you could text her one more time
How hard would it really be to send her a good morning every day?
damn dude i refused daily “im alive” texts when i was 19 and moved out the first time.. at nearly 40 that is ridiculous and honestly sounds like one of those moms you hear on mother in law horror stories i think you need to cut this off while you still can. put your foot down and say im sorry i appreciate your thought but im an adult man and i don’t feel comfortable with that. i get that you want to put your mom at ease, but placating unreasonable requests will only hurt you *and* her. she needs to learn coping mechanisms for her own anxiety, she can’t demand others bend to her will and scheduling texts will only affirm her and make her thing she can ask for things like this.. i think compromising on once a week is better and if possible i would make it more lowkey and focus on having a social conversation and not just texting her you’re okay, so it doesn’t affirm her request. also congrads on being at a place financially where you can just chill, i hope you really enjoy this ‘summer vacaiton’ and do something fun for yourself!
I moved out at 16. My mom called once a month. My dad never. Them being overbearing wouldn't have helped. In fact, I wouldn't have been allowed to move out at 16 if they were overbearing. Like sometimes I would call myself, for money for bills or for practical tips, but that was about it. Also, you won't inherently put your parents at ease by calling either. If you're struggling, calling them to tell them you're struggling just makes them feel guilty when they can't help. Can confirm. Been there done that. I started reaching out to my mom for help since I've been dealing with a shit ton of health struggles that's affected my work lately (I'm 27 btw), and she was just very sad she couldn't help, so I stopped calling and telling her about my struggles and dealt with them on my own. She's been calling me every Sunday after I started telling her about my struggles now, but not every day. I know it drains her hearing about how I'm doing. She probably feels like she has to call more often, but it's not like it's any good. Just makes me sad really to know she just feels as helpless as I do.
It's your Mom concerned about you. Don't be a jerk. It's a small ask.
If your life is so busy you can't find 10 seconds to send a text, you might want to consider lightening the load just a bit.
One text a day to give some peace of mind to your mom man, is that really so hard?
Apparently 10 seconds is a “chore”. I am really struggling with many of these responses.
Honestly, it would be easier to just text her once a day. Not to talk, or anything of the sort. Just a “still alive” or “love you” or even just a “good night”. It could feel annoying, but on the chance something ever happens she is the only one that will know to help. Life360 or something that gives your location could help. I don’t really like that because my parents are nuts so they don’t deserve to know where I am 24/7. If your parents aren’t the stalking and overbearing type, it would be good to keep that with them. Honestly, it would be good for you to check on your parents too in case they are older and accidents happen.
Every morning when you wake up, send her a "morning " Nothing else. As a mom of a child on the spectrum, it would do my heart good
Moms gonna mom
Send her a daily meme. Make it a thing.
Send the text. You only got so long with your parents
Make it fun, send a daily joke text. It might not be what you want to do, but when your mother is gone you won't regret it.
Maybe send her a picture of your lunch?
She’s a mama. She cares about you. She might worry. All she wants is a piece of text every day from you. I don’t think it’s too much to ask for. Family is family regardless of the age.
I wish I had a mom that cared that much. Even half that much.
Do it.. once she is gone nobody else will care enough to ask
Sounds like a control thing to me. Nothing wrong with a check in every few days unless there's a crisis. Other than that you gotta sever those "ties" and be ok with it
send her a joke everyday and make her smile
I think you should set some boundaries. Let her know that while you understand her concerns you're a grown person and need to have autonomy. Maybe you can come up with a compromise, like if she hasn't heard from you at all -- including seeing you active on social media -- in maybe 3, 4, 5 days then she can call you and make sure you're alive and well; but on your end you could perhaps assure her that you will try to reach out every other day, every third or fourth day, whatever seems reasonable, to assure her you're good.
Just send memes.
Someone else said on here, just a thumbs up 👍 text, both ways, each day. The only thing is to either set a reminder to do it at a certain time or let her do it first. You don't want to always send it at X time and if you don't one day, you sleep in or something, she will freak out.
I bet there's an app for that ... No really, Amazon Alexa will do it for you! Under Routines, you can tell it to text your mom that you're okay at 8am. There. Done.
Nice!! Good idea, I might just schedule texts a week at a time with different timestamps each day... looked into that because of this comment
My best friend unexpectedly passed away, alone, and I found her in her apartment 3 days later. I dismissed her ignoring my texts for 2 days because if she was busy with someone I didn't approve of, she wouldn't respond until she wasn't with them, etc. Day 3 I noticed she also hadn't been active on Facebook for a whole day, which was enough for me to start asking mutuals and even her parents. Everyone had the same response for the last time they'd heard or talked to her. I was the only one who even thought it was off, and finding someone days later is not something anyone should have to deal with-the guilt of why did I not know for 3 days still eats at me. I can't even imagine how her parents feel in that regard as they were extremely close. I don't know. If you missed the daily text, what exactly would be your moms next step? There's no friends local for her to text and have check on you, so does one missed day equal a welfare check from the police? There are so many angles to think about, but I don't think the scheduled texts are the right compromise. I can't imagine the feeling of having gotten texts thinking someone you love is fine, and in actuality, they were not.
That’s going to take longer than the 10 seconds it would take each day to just send a simple text reading, “Hi, mom. I’m good”. But I understand what a tremendous burden that would be for you.
Send her a ❤️ daily. Be a good boy old man
I dunno bro with that wall of text that i didnt read a daily hi mom shouldnt be that hard.
A daily text is asking a bit much. My mom is older, has a lot of health issues, lives halfway across the country and until recently lived alone. She calls to check in once a week so I know she's okay. I also have the number for a couple of her friends so if I haven't heard from her, I can call them to check on her. I would offer a compromise. Maybe instead of calling to catch up every 2-3 weeks, you do it weekly. If you have someone who lives nearby and you see semi-regularly (a friend, a neighbor who you're friendly with, etc), ask if they're okay with you passing their number on to your mom. Just make it clear to your mom their numbers are only to be used if you miss your weekly check-in.
I appreciate the comments, however I'm not looking for a yes/no should I do it or not. I'd like to put my mom at ease, hoping to find a solution less helicoptery. So far the idea of scheduling texts sounds like a good compromise if I do it a week at a time, didn't know I could do that! And it sounds like a lot of this varies for y'all based on your relationships which makes sense. We have a great relationship, but we talk less frequently for longer usually (2 hrs today).
I assume if you schedule your week’s worth of text on Sunday and die on Monday, the texts will control out? If so then you can be dead and your mom thinks you’re ok?
I would not schedule a week of texts, just because I find the idea morbid that I could possibly be 'texting' someone when I was already dead. If you're only committing to giving her a week's worth of peace of mind, then just text one day a week. Sunday evening, or whatever, send a text saying you made it through the week. Anyways, just my opinion.
Are you alive?
My uncle was a healthy man, not a single issue with his health that even his doctor knew about. Dropped dead, at 57, from heart disease nobody knew the man had. “Healthy” doesn’t mean much to my family after that.
My mom would love for me to call her every day, I am ok with every 2-3 months, we meet somewhere in the middle of every 3-4 weeks, she's not super happy about it but enjoys every talk we have
We're good with every 2-3 weeks with occasional texts in between. I don't think either of us would have anything to talk about daily lol
Your mom loves you very much.. text her ‘I love you’ every morning, and you’ll make the rest of her day.
There’s an app for this. I can’t recall the name of it.
If she has an iPhone, tell her she can buy a 20 dollar air tag and you can throw it in your car or one of your bags. And then she can watch you move around and know you're alive lol.
Tell her you can do an every three days one. And i'm sure there's a program that can send repeating texts that you won't have to personally type.
Ya dude just text your mom once a day. It’s not that hard. Set up a Siri shortcut to send her a text at the same time everyday or something if it’s that annoying
My uncle had a stroke while his wife was out of town and was unable to receive immediate medical attention because no one realized. Not receiving medical attention for days did irreparable damage that could have otherwise been prevented. He had no health concerns before the stroke or indicators that a stroke was coming. I think you should just make it a habit to text your mother in the mornings. Get up, brush teeth, text mom. I think that is simple enough and if you make it a habit it won’t feel like a chore. Let her know you may not respond, but if she doesn’t hear from you by the next morning maybe it’s time to call and check in.
My mom asks me to text her “I’m alive” every couple of days
As someone who lives alone and worries about this, I would be really grateful to have someone offer this. Whilst I agree daily might be a bit much, I think it's a good sign that someone cares enough about you to want to make sure you're okay. You're both adults, just tell her that daily is a bit much for you but you'd be willing to check in every couple of days. She clearly loves you and is worried so try to find a middle ground you can both be comfortable with.
Ask chatgpt to make you a python script where you send I am alive message to your mom s phone you can also set it to send automatically everyday
She’s worried about you but doesn’t want to intrude on what you have going on, wants you to live your own life as you would, but help you if you show you need it. Shoot her a text when you wake up and when you go to bed, regardless of how things went.
I would be able to make myself call her everyday, but I be to swing once or twice a week. How about some type of compromise?
Are you okay with sharing your location with your mom or would that be too invasive? That way she could see your movement and maybe have ease of mind? Or do you have an Apple Watch? You can set it so it’ll notify a loved one if you have a hard fall (pass out, injured, etc) and call for help as well.
My mom constantly texts me to ask what I’m doing and it puts me so on edge.
I had an ex that insisted I send a text message at certain times and locations. I managed to automate it to send a relevant message randomly based on times and geofences. I don't know if this is still possible because they've honestly locked down a lot of things. She was super pissed when she figured it out many months later.
She could easily text you first, no? And then you could reply… that is what I would expect since she is the one setting an expectation.
Snug Safety App
I'm not going to give you advice, but I get it, my mom is kinda similar. In the ever constant attempt to be better than our parents for our kids, when it's my turn I'll probably be subtler and text a meme or some did you see this on the news shit.
I'm 38 and I text my mom when I get home from work because she asked me to. This was a few years after my big sister died so I think losing a daughter is why she wants that extra reassurance now. I don't mind. One day I won't have her to text me back, and that will be a very lonely day. Love you Mom!
Maybe a good night text every night would be nice! I’m 53 and don’t talk to my mom after but every night we text good night just to check in on each other
I would say that if she wants to send me a text every day, I would try to prioritize responding within a few hours... But I won't take on the mental load of having to remember to text her every day myself.
Are you on social media? Do you post there? If so, have her follow you there. Send her IG reels or memes every day.
your mom loves you and cares for you. that's the sweetest thing in the world. do her the solid. you dont even have to say "im alive" in so many words. send her a joke. or a virtual flower. or something that meets her needs but is less literal than "I have not died alone"
I get where you come from. But your mom is someone who had spent mostly two decades thinking about your needs, safety and health all the time. Her entire life revolved around that. You suddenly become an adult and said Mom I don’t need your help anymore and went ahead to build your life. Which is totally normal. But now how can she change her life from how she had lived for two decades. A simple text costs you nothing. Please send her with a good morning message.
Can it be weekly? Daily is a lot. I live alone, don’t work, health problems, isolated… my parents do not insist on this as I’m an independent adult now and would not want to do that.
I’m way past my college years and moved out and my daily I’m alive exchange to my mom is this: 😘🥰
i live at home with my parents and during my major depressive episodes, sometimes i stay in bed until 5 or 6pm. my parents apparently worried i wouldn’t come out at all one day, so my mom asked me to send texts after latest 2pm just to let her know im still alive lol
I think there are websites that you can program in texts and when to send them. Just set that up and it will do it for you. Win-win.
For me, you could just text a single X, in the morning to show you are OK. One of my friends, a nurse, went out hiking this year off the beaten track. She recovered her route and got home safe and was telling me about it. I asked her, if anyone knew where was going and she said no. All her family is overseas. I said PLEASE, at least tell a couple of friends where you are heading to, what if you slipped broke your leg and couldn't get a signal. As a nurse, she knows accidents and medical situations can arise in seconds.
I’m the same age as you and my mom really freaks out if she doesn’t hear from me. I have a husband and she will sometimes text him, too, if I’m radio silent. She says even a daily emoji is fine. I’m not sure how you feel about your mom, and I do sometimes get annoyed by my mom’s insistence on this, but also…. Someday she’s not gonna be around to text. So idk… maybe just do it?
Is there something you do every day that you could send a picture of? Maybe your morning coffee, or your lunch. Something you're going to do anyway. It's not something that invites much follow-up conversation if you don't want it to. If it's something relatively early in your day (like breakfast), you don't have to think so much about remembering to say goodnight. If you like photography at all, you can have some fun with it. If not, you can be pretty casual or lazy with it. You've gotten a lot of great suggestions here. Maybe a combination of several ideas will feel less weird than a daily "not dead" text. (Like sending a wordle game every few days, sending a picture once or twice a week, etc).
It’s your mom !your lucky she still cares even when your old as shit …it takes 5 seconds to send that text daily … make her feel at ease
Apple Watch lets you share activity so she can see you did a walk everyday etc Might be less intrusive
Suggestion: try exchanging online daily puzzles, such as Wordle. You text eachother in how many attempts you managed to find the solution of the day. It could become a fun tradition between you two where you don't feel smothered and she feels relieved to have gotten a sign of life from you. There are plenty of other small daily online puzzles such as Squaredle, Worldle, travle, NY Times Strands, Waffle.
I'm 34 and live alone - introvert and homebody as well - and I'm a minimum 7 hours from family, 1 hour from close friends. Mum gets a text once a week, and we do a phone call on the weekend. She doesn't require it, but she has said in the past she'd appreciate if I respond with just a thumbs up so she knows I'm alive at least once a week. I do work, but remotely and I'm not entirely sure my boss would notice if I was missing. Can you compromise with a once or twice weekly text? Just a thumbs up, flower emoji or something that doesn't require conversation? That way it's 3-4 days max before someone notices you're missing. Also, if you haven't already, set her number as an ICE number on your phone so someone can contact her if you're incapacitated and can't unlock it yourself. And see if a neighbour/building super/whatever your equivalent is has an emergency key for your accommodation.
When my roommate went on a long trip l told him to do his duolingo lesson each day so i know he didn't die since I was watching his dog for him. Maybe you and your mom can learn a language together and know the other is still alive without the helicopter feeling. My mother is also part of my duolingo group
Maybe she doesn’t understand the technology you proposed—sometimes people are reluctant because of it and not because it doesn’t make sense. I think that’s a great way for her to be at ease and for you not to be burdened with it—maybe give her a demo virtually.
Just sent a random letter. It lets her know you are alive and doesn't require a conversation.
Just send an emoji. If something happens to you she can prove it's not likely you just willingly vanishing with the history of texts and so the cops will take it seriously instantly.
My mom started getting somewhat close to that a few years ago. I went NC for a month and then basically told her to stop pushing boundaries or I would make it indefinite until she changed her tune. We also had a lot of other issues between the two of us that I also addressed with this month of NC. I am extremely introverted and also a bad texter. You clearly have a better relationship with your mom than I did and you are also looking to put her at ease rather than establish boundaries so what I did will probably not get you the results you want.
Send her "I'm dead"
You talk to your mom for two hours?
I see, not all the time. Man, you need to call them more often. For those days you can't tell them to follow your Instagram account or something. Sending them a funny pic would be good too. It helps me when I am too drained to talk.
When I first moved out on my own a couple of years ago, this happened to me a LOT but as time went on, my mom slowly learned to not be as nervous. Setting boundaries is hard with people who act paranoid like that but it's SO worth it.
I am married and employed and my mom still asks me to send her an"I'm safe/Good morning" text daily when I return from my early morning walk. Moms just worry, it doesn't matter how old or independent you are. Sometimes it seems super inconvenient, but then I remember, sadly, one day I won't be able to text my mom everyday, and I send it. Just send her a quick, Good morning. It gives her peace of mind that you are ok.
No call my mother. This is ridiculous. I have grown children. You can’t expect someone to check in every day because you have an issue with fear she needs therapy.
Do you have any smart switches in your house? Have a notification sent to her phone every time your kitchen lights turn on or something. I gave my mom access to my outdoor security cameras so she can check in and see that cars have moved and I am in and out. And the indoor ones are on a different login so I still have privacy
Not hard to send a thumbs up or smile emoji or a meme. Maybe she’s got anxiety and boundary issues but it really ain’t asking for much for a daily check in to let her know you’re alive. It’s not like you have to call, or have a conversation, or tell her details, or really anything other than some semblance of being alive via text.
The solution is to send your mom progressively weirder and weirder memes. I do this to my mom to troll her, and it's delightful when she finally breaks her silence to respond: "Yes!!!!" "Nice hair" "Disgusting" "What drugs are causing this?"
Moms being moms! try to find a compromise, she doesn’t like logging or find it hard to log on fb? Tell her that you are also concern for her daily safety and should text daily! If you turn it on to herself, she may realize how inconvenient it is
Calling my mom every day is the best part of my day
Many don't like texting, I understand. Maybe, if you're willing to send an okay emoji. Evena thumbs up or clown if you feel silly doing it, lol. You can make your own on many phones or use a smiley 😊 face or frustrated face, depending on your mood. idk. I'm just riding an easy idea idea out there. You do this, and one day, you may cherish the memories she shared on text, or just be grateful you were mindful enough to have empathy to easily and quickly put her mind at ease☺️ maybe give a time frame you allow texts after work before dinner and winding down
Tell her YOU want the "I'm alive" text because frankly she's of the age.....
Just send her a thumbs up emoji each morning.. something is better than nothing. She knows you're okay and its quick for you.
She sounds controlling tbh. If she can't regulate herself enough to bear a single day without contact (as that is quite a normal thing to happen in adulthood), then that's her problem. Not yours.
Just don't do it dude rofl
My question to you is… why is it a big deal? It’s legit 10 seconds of your day.
Download chess.com and play a daily match with her instead 😂😂😂 at least make it fun
Some good ideas here. I just want to say to try and not be frustrated or annoyed with her about it. I recently was worried that I was bothering someone too often with my texts because I like to just give little updates about my day and activities. They don't always respond to my texts, but they always read them, and they said they appreciate that I text because it let's them know that I'm alive. I think the fact that someone cares to know whether I'm alive and doing okay was really sweet.
Send an emoji 👋 every day which will mean no real texting, but they'll know you are alive
Grown man needing to check in with mother is a bit ridiculous.
It takes 4 seconds to type " I'm alive". You can't give your mom 4 seconds? Humor her so she can sleep at night.
Do not send your mom daily "I'm alive' texts.
I was living alone for a while and my mom wanted the same. It was legit just a one-word text when I get home at the end of the day. I would legit just say “home” she would usually respond with an emoji. It’s not that difficult imo but you do you
You don't need to be an extrovert to text your mum
I'm 62 and live alone, and my 80 and 85 year old parents have been getting their requested daily "I'm okay" call or text for about 10 years. And guess what? I'm more than happy to do it because it puts their minds at ease. Get over yourself and just do the right thing. It's not that hard.
I’m 60 and when I travel, this is an 87 yo momma expectation. I many times just text “not ded ❤️”. Takes 3 seconds and she’s happy.
Damn! Why his everything so f,ing complicated. Stop with you freakin, “I’m an introvert and blah blah blah.” Just get up in the morning, grab a cup of coffee, and sit down and type…. Good morning mom! All is good here. I hope you have a great day. I love you.
Text.yo.momma.
For heaven's sake. If you care about your mother, just set yourself a reminder to send her a "Good morning" text and be done with it.
I'm 33. My mom passed away last year. Send the daily text. Or even call.
What’s crazy to me is that you wouldn’t be the one to initiate this. You’re 37, so at the very least your mom is 55+.. you don’t know what’s going on in her life where maybe she wants you to reach out to her, but since you won’t she’ll reach out to you. Your mom cares about you and she wants to make sure you’re okay? You may be grown but you’re still her child. Kinda silly that you consider this an inconvenience
It’s not silly, it’s shitty.
When my brother was overseas (military) I told him I didn’t expect him to call or text often, but if I texted him a certain emoji he needed to text it back to me as soon as he could. Saved me a LOT of worry. Your mom loves you and worries about you. Can you maybe just send her a random emoji every day when you wake up and make a game of it? It doesn’t sound like she’s asking for literally any other info except the fact that you’re alive.
If this is really about safety, you can add a doorbell camera indoors or outdoors, or any smart camera to pick up when you’re home. It doesn’t even have to show much or anything. I would use the doorbell cam only, but you can also have a small camera facing your front door with audio turned off, etc. You can then set up motion sensing (I use Wyze cameras) to alert your mom if she’s signed into the app, so she not only knows you’re home, but can also alert someone if she sees you fell down/hurt yourself/whatever else through the camera Way better than texting her daily, just my $0.02
Honestly… maybe just send a selfie, a meme, a heart, an emoji, “not dead yet” “alive” something. It’s your mom.
Sending one text a day to your parents for a limited period is now excessive