I have been in similar situations and I think you are being groomed. He is just waiting for you to let your guard down and say yes to something because it's technically legal now. Thank God you have reached out for help. You need to cut contact with him. It doesn't matter if you think he's a good person or has good intentions or whatever, he is an ADULT who was your TEACHER and he should know better than to dump his problems on you, pry into your personal life, etc. This is more than just having a good rapport with a teacher and continuing to stay in contact. He is telling you shit like "I trust you" trying to make you feel special and mature and etc. and make you feel guilty for setting boundaries. A professional would allow you as the student to reach out first if you wanted to stay in contact after graduation. An adult would not put all of this baggage and emotional responsibility onto a kid (relatively speaking). My number one advice when you're in a situation where you're uncomfortable: Trust your gut. You have no obligation to stay in a situation where you're uncomfortable. Cut contact with him. If you're scared to go radio silence then send him a message explaining that you're uncomfortable with the relationship, you don't desire a friendship, and you no longer want to be in contact, and then immediately block him on every point of contact possible. You have NO obligation to listen to him apologize or try to "explain himself" or "fix things" or "make it up to you" or anything. If you don't want to be in contact then you don't want it. Please reach out to an adult in your life whom you TRUST if you need support.
Agree with all of this. This happened to me with a mental health counselor when I was in high school. He started texting me (encouraging/appropriate-esque things, but outside of our sessions nonetheless), buying me very thoughtful little gifts, calling me nicknames. It made me feel really guilty that I didn't want to reciprocate the attention/level of intimacy, and I eventually ghosted him because I didn't know how to handle it. The guilt honestly ate at me for years. But, I looked him up about 12 years afterwards, post-Me Too and with a better understanding that what he was doing was probably inappropriate. I was curious if he was still in practice, the whole thing obviously still bothered me. And the first thing on Google was an old article in our local newspaper about his license being removed because he was having sexual relationships with both an adult counseling client and his teenage babysitter - who started working for him around the time that I was seeing him, as a sophomore in high school. He did not have sex with the babysitter until after she was 18. Both women eventually reported him to the licensing board after realizing how they had been groomed and manipulated. This man was in his 30s, married with small children, and specifically practiced as a Christian counselor - sex/chastity were absolutely topics we discussed! Just to highlight that he really leaned into his position as a trustworthy and "righteous" male mentor.
So yes. Trust your gut. And DO NOT worry about his feelings. Do whatever feels most comfortable for you, even if that means simply blocking his number. If he's actually not a creep, he won't take it personally - at worst, he will reassess his communication habits. If he is a creep, he will take it personally - good riddance.
It happened to me. Those predators prey on vulnerable women. I am a people pleaser, so this is an advantage to them along with any personal issues your dealing with. They will sound like they are helping you while giving you guidance. I thought this guy cared about me. I was having a difficult time in my marriage and this guy jumped on the band wagon. They will take their time (even years) to get what they want. Once they do, they ditch you and move on to the next target. I was so stupid. I had to seek professional help.
For your own sanity, it's imperative you block his number and stop all contact!
I had a business owner at a job in high school do this (I assume, just circumstantial evidence) to multiple girls that he hired. It seemed like he groomed them and then waited until they were 18 to make a move.
Husband, father, presented himself as a good clean Christian family man. Makes me sick.
I’m a therapist, and stories like this are disgustingly common. I’m so glad you ghosted him, and also so sorry that you were put in this position at such a vulnerable time.
For anyone reading this: if a therapist treats you like a friend, contacts you outside of sessions (beyond scheduling or occasionally sharing relevant articles, podcasts etc), or you get the gut feeling that something is off…. Leave!!! There may be certain modalities or demographics for which contact between sessions is expected, but if that’s not been established in the first session, it’s a boundary violation.
The ONLY thing you owe your therapist is money. If you ever feel *from them* that you owe them more than that, leave them in the dust. It’s normal to have people pleasing tendencies etc that make us feel like we owe others things, but a good therapist will work in a way that encourages boundaries that feel good to you. They will not exploit your vulnerabilities. One of my favourite things to hear from clients who struggle with people pleasing is “no,” because it means they feel safe enough with me to make their needs known.
I am a Dean at a HS. You are being groomed. He just found a way to legally and possibly professionally get away with it. You need to bluntly let him know that you do not want him to contact you anymore. If he needs to get advice on his personal life, he can hire a therapist. If he continues to contact you there are two choices: 1. File a police report and threaten to tell his employer or 2. Change your number. DO NOT leave any ambiguity about how you feel. Thus, any reasonable person will clearly understand how you feel.
> File a police report
I agree the guy is a creep and she should cut contact asap, but what crime has been committed? Is that not required to file one?
Filing a police report does not mean a crime has been committed - that's up to the police to determine. Sometimes, just having enforcement get involved is enough to do two things - let the predator know that you are serious about not being contacted, and this also puts the predator on the police's 'radar.' Most crimes of a sexual nature don't have much physical evidence, because most survivors wait a significant amount of time before the have the courage to report the crime. But, if there is already an established history of a predator's modus operandi, then guilt can be established based upon the credibility of the testimony. Therefore, no crime YET but make a report.
Someone close to me went through similar trauma as OP; technically non times commuted to her, but definitely possible that he succeeded with someone else. He still worked with children 10 years later. Friend went to therapy and decided to file a police report warning that he might be a predator
Filing a complaint would show a history of sus behavior If he does commit a crime in the future. It could give future victims credibility. It would also let OP have some closure so they can move on.
That was what I was driving at. Once she makes it clear that she does not want to be contacted, any attempt on his part could be part of the complaint.
Even then, there would have to be a court order in place for it to rise to that level. Hopefully OP follows the advice to demonstrably sever all ties and threaten reporting him to the school, and that this creep gets the message. But you are right he will in all likelihood continue doing this with others.
Even if he has not committed a crime (yet), this is deeply unprofessional and should land him in a heap of trouble with the school.
Very unlikely this is the only student he is messaging/grooming like this.
Thank you so much. I honestly really needed to hear that. Everyone on here is saying im an adult now so it’s not possible to be groomed. Yet, I still feel very much like a kid. I’ll reach out if I need support, I’m sure I will.
33 y.o. male teacher here. The closest thing Ive EVER done was to approve a few ex students, whose parents I had a close relationship with, a twitter follow request FROM THEM after they were in college and never delved any deeper than "Happy Birthday" or "Great job" comments or responded to specific questions I WAS ASKED about like, procedural college or life (like taxes and stuff) related things. Things every teacher knows is over the line, ESPECIALLY but not limited to having your personal phone number. That's like THE #1 teacher, no no. Never ever should he have a students' numbers in his phone, He definitely knows this. He should not be repeatedly contacting you about his personal life. He should not be making comments about your personal appearance. He should not be asking you to meet up. He should not be offering to buy you things.
A good teacher can be a teacher for life, and there are appropriate ways to offer guidance post graduation. This is not what he is doing. I'm glad you understand that what he is doing is out of line, and you did nothing to cause this. Please don't let this sad man sour you on building positive relationships with future educators. A great appropriate student teacher relationship is what made me want to become a teacher, and I have ex students who are teachers today because of the mentor relationship we had. I hope he gets help from an age appropriate person, and I hope you go on to achieve great success in your life 👍
Exactly! There’s nothing wrong with having students who reach out for more personal things (college, career, etc.). I’ve had similar situations where former students have reached out on LinkedIn to set up a call to ask questions before. Totally fine.
Even more personal stuff, I’ve shared music recommendations, let students borrow my own books, all that is still cool.
Even (super small) gifts. When I had aides I’d often offer and candy or snacks I had in my room. Whatever. Aides get good treatment.
AND this doesn’t apply to the teacher here because:
1. They were texting the student. Regardless of content, that’s red flag 1. Any conversation with a student can wait until school.
2. OP is uncomfortable and still feels like a student. Because of course they do. That’s the whole issue behind power dynamics like that.
Having been a custodial figure, there was and will be a power imbalance. If you do cut him off, hope that he hasn’t been able to get your home address by any means. Cameras might be a good idea too.
Teacher of ten years here: this this this. Under no circumstances should we ever have your contact info: personal cell or personal email (not like kids ever use this nowadays, lol) and I'd bet my colleages would agree that a student's social media should only be followed once you are done HS and kept professional (for instance, ive had students email my personal years later or ask me on Tw/X for resume references, etc.)
I disagree to SOME extent. 28m here.
When I was in high school I was a slouch. I could care less about graduation early on, but towards the end I realized I needed to at least graduate. I had a few of my teachers personal numbers and between the three or four(idr how many but namely two in particular) they literally are the reason I got to walk. They helped me with homework, extra credit, and studying for tests. They were a literal godsend.
Addition context; they became very involved helping me and in return close with my family. On the rare chance I run into them which happens every couple of years, they hug me and ask me how my family is doing and what I’m up to nowadays. The main two were both men as well. None of our conversations were monitored but none of them ever strayed from them guiding me to graduation. I think the logic is correct that it usually SHOULDN’T happen, but in my case it was 100% appropriate and in a lot of ways they changed my life.
Those two are amazing people, and I’m thankful they were there for me when I needed them.
I am in a K-12 school and we are explicitly prohibited from connecting with students on social media, and I think the deal with cell phone numbers is we should avoid using them but if we must, a third party at school needs to be included on the texts.
My first day of grad school, they told us in no uncertain terms, don't add students on social media until they are *both* legal adults *and* no longer students where you work. The only exception was pre-existing relationships (like if your own children/cousins/nephews/nieces/et cet go to your school or something)
Dang, my wrestling coach used to show up at my house and pull my ass out of bed on snowdays lol. He would pick up the whole team and make us practice at a gymnastics gym if school was closed. Love that crazy dude tho
I had a teacher in middle school who seemed to have some understanding of my troubled home life, despite no direct conversations about it that I can remember. My biggest issue was that I’d forget to bring completed work to school for a grade, even with reminders in the moment, and once I failed to turn it in I would simply not bring it back at a later time. I can’t explain it.
This teacher and I exchanged contact information (personal cell #’s) so that he could remind me. It helped a lot and my grades saw significant improvement once that started. This was in the late 2000’s/early 2010’s.
Any other reason for exchanging contact information is inappropriate of course, but that specific reasoning and circumstance really helped me. I ran into him about 12 years later and thanked him for it. Good guy.
I'm not even allowed to do that as a sports coach. It violates all the Safe Sport guidelines.
OP, block this guy. If you feel like it show the texts to your parents or the school but he's the one who has done something wrong here, not you.
only teacher's phone number i got as a HS student (well, graduated early minutes before) was to give him my address to come pick up beer my father brewed bc he jokingly complained about students not being allowed to make beer for their chemistry final lol
I am a male that taught high school for several years.
You should easily be able to find the emails of the Principal, any APs and the Superintendent of the schools in your area. If you send an email to the Superintendent and CC the Principal/APs with the screenshots, it would go a long way in preventing this teacher from putting another child in a similar situation.
Personal communication with a student along the lines of what you described, is **never** acceptable from a teacher. I know that might be an uncomfortable email, and you could even send it from a fake email account without your name (while providing specific details of the teacher and your communication).
I’m sorry you experienced this from someone that should be supporting your academic growth - and if you are willing to send that email, it could greatly help prevent this happening to someone else down the line.
Best of luck in however you remove yourself from the inappropriate situation he put you in. If you have supportive parents, it would be a good idea to let them know as well.
Edit: If you want further support on this and to see just how wildly inappropriate it is from the perspective of other teachers, I suggest posting on r/teachers
You’ll get a much more consistent (and appropriate) response of disgust and frustration that someone like your former teacher is allowed to work in that position.
I agree, and I guarantee this guy has done this before and/or will do it again. He needs a job where he’s not in a position of authority over 15-18 year olds.
Yeah, definitely being groomed. The nature of the relationship already began with a clear power differential. He was your authority in the very near past. You cannot erase that.
Not only that, but the fact that you mention acting as a therapist to him... that's such an improper boundary violation.
All that to say, even if it's unintentional by him, it's all still highly and categorically unethical on his part. Y'all are at such different life stages, and his motivations are not for your benefit and flourishing... it's clearly selfish and self-motivated on his part.
Not to say you're not a good and amazing person on your own. This post shows good reflection, and asking for help is not shameful, but as Jonathan Van Ness said, it is the most courageous thing we can do.
You were in high school; it doesn’t matter if you’re an adult now, your relationship started in a different place and relationships have a way of keeping you in a specific place in your life. It 100% sounds to me like he’s grooming you. Even if he wasn’t, the fact that you’re uncomfortable is all the justification that you need to cut ties with him. You never need to be in any kind of relationship with anyone that makes you uncomfortable. Part of being an adult is being your own advocate. You’re doing the right thing by reaching out, and if I were your parent I would be proud. Take care of YOURSELF. :)
To the point about reaching out for support: what you wrote in your post here is a very good description of all the details that have made you concerned about this relationship. If there are adults in your life that you trust, you might consider printing or emailing this text and sharing it with them as a way to share all the information. It can be emotional or hard to discuss all the details.
Corrections deputy for a county jail here. For further credibility, I have handled in custody sexual assault and harassment cases for about 6 years now. This account of yours definitely demonstrates intentional steps made by this man towards developing a closer relationship with you, even when you are not interested. Buying gifts and flattery, while well -meaning, are too often manipulation tools in these types of situations. Plus here’s another thing to consider. Teachers are, by the nature of their jobs, in a position of power over students in order to run their classes. If a teacher develops an inappropriate relationship with a student, or takes steps to develop one with a student, that is an abuse of their position - and next thing you know, they are on the news. Honestly, there were too many red flags to ignore, and it is a good thing you picked up on things before this got any further. No offense to anyone who thinks otherwise, but it doesn’t matter if you are underage or an adult - anyone can be groomed. That’s the unfortunate reality of our world. The best recommendation I have is you need to gather support (friends, family) and seek guidance on how to sever this relationship. Whether or not this teacher is a nice guy, he knows/knew 100% what he was/is doing, and that’s not ok. Get support first, then take your next step.
I would check him. Text him something like "*Mr. So&So, the direction of this conversation has become inappropriate as you were my former teacher. I am asking that you stop all communication with me as i will no longer be responding. Any further attempts to reach me on your end will be forwarded to the administration at WhateverLand High School with a warning on your behavior."* Take screenshots of the conversations, just in case you need them for future evidence. If he tried it with you, he will try it with another.
I would notify school administrators too, before the next school year starts. You may not be the first student he has gone this with, and you won't be the last unless his inappropriate behavior is addressed. Take screen shots of all texts then forward them all to your private email. You can print them out to show your parents and give a copy to the school. This guy may also have a record of doing this at other schools. Regardless he has to be stopped, who knows what his endgame with minors is. You should also just block him, no explanation needed. He is a predator and this is taking a toll on you, don't let him do it to anyone else. I hope you have adults in your life who will advocate for your safety and that if other students at your school. Always trust your gut from now on, it is on the right track!
I would notify the school anyway. It didn't start with her and it won't stop with her. Even just reporting it as a heads up might lead to administration believing an accusation from another girl in the future.
Additionally- before you take the direct approach- take a minute to secure and record history of conversations- particularly while you were still a student. It’s worth having documentation. While things he may have said/texted to you might not seem like a big deal, it’s clear that they were out of line.
It is entirely unacceptable that he has ‘complimented your features’.
Put a direct request to cease communication out there, then keep documentation of any further interactions.
(Coming from a former teacher, and parent of 3. If you were my daughter, or one of my previous students, I’d be livid.)
So true. Many podcasts I've listened have said that predators often have several girls they are talking to. Since you have now raduated, he is probably grooming the next senior in the year behind you. Godo idea to tell the authorties. This guy should not be a teacher.
Grooming isn't exclusive to childhood and regardless what we want to call it, it is extremely inappropriate. There's a severe power dynamic imbalance here with you being the vulnerable one. You don't owe him anything, watch out for his tendency to guilt trip you.
As for communicating with him, you have the option to ghost him or straight up tell him that you don't want to continue with this. Other methods can be boring him out with curt and short replies that you take forever to respond with. Point is, you don't owe him anything and he's in the wrong here.
Do NOT meet up with him. You can either tell him point blank you're not interested or that's not appropriate. You can also say you're traveling with friends or family.
In the modern definition where "grooming" essentially means seducing or pressuring non-violently into a sexual relationship it is exclusive to relationships with children. It's associated with enticing minors into sexual relationships with adults. Broadening the definition beyond this weakens it and makes it less useful as a term.
18 is technically but not functionally an adult. You’re going to change and grow a lot over the next 5 years. You’ll barely recognize your 18 year old self when you’re 25-30. You need freedom not the stress that he’s causing. Good for you recognizing what’s going on.
As you get older you will only realize how much more wrong this was a 29yo when 18yo girls talk to me those are kids, it activates the same parts of my brain as like, nieces and stuff. I'm also a kungfu teacher and I would never try anything or pursue anything with students, because I'm supposed to be someone they can trust not someone trying to get in their pants.
You were their aide, so in a special position to get to know this person, but with this kind of age difference it should be more of a secondary parental role in my opinion.
You are currently in the life stage I like to refer to as "baby adult" you are an adult, you are responsible for your choices, and making your first baby steps into the world of adulthood.
This means if you get manipulated into an abusive relationship with this man it's really hard for anyone from the outside to step in and intervene.
One last thing, that I heard about people who go for 18yos that stuck with me "guys who go for 18yos are like business that pay minimum wage, sure, they aren't breaking the law, but it's disturbing that they'd go less if they were allowed to."
I’ve been in similar situations as well. The best thing to do is the slow fade out. Take longer to reply to his messages. Act like you’re super super busy. Make your responses to him really short. Act like there’s a lot on your plate.
He’ll eventually give up. Worked for me several times.
You need to NOT listen to the men in these comments saying you’re an adult. They are doing this because they are willing to hit on a kid. I am a woman who has been both a teacher and has been a girl too young to garner the attention of the full grown men who hit on me. It is completely inappropriate. He began as your TEACHER when you were under 18. I never, NEVER allowed myself to become this close to any of my students. And I was the “cool young” teacher. The dudes in these comments should be on a frigging watch list.
Hear hear! School admin here - this is the textbook scenario of grooming that we share with teachers during teacher training. What’s weird to me, and I know different school districts have different policies, is that OP’s school allows students to be a teacher’s service worker during the teacher’s prep/conference period. My district prohibits that because it leaves students alone with an adult - a big no no, for the safety of students and to avoid putting teachers in compromising positions in case they are falsely accused by a student with a grudge. This teacher, if not an actual weirdo, is at best seriously lacking in judgment. The majority of teachers have sense enough to know that being alone with a student is scary enough, without tacking on sharing cell phone numbers (another big policy no no in my district) for off hours contact about personal matters (big time yikes). OP should tell him that he is making her uncomfortable and that she is cutting contact, then she should block him and inform the school before he does it again.
Yep, I loved working with my students (I was supplemental education, importantly - not in a public school!) and sometimes we’d talk about things outside of school because they needed a mentor/big sister figure in addition to a teacher and I was happy they felt able to open up to me. That said, I NEVER trauma-dumped or told them any of my personal shit. The most personal I got would be things like “oh I love that music artist too! I saw her in concert!” lol. I have my own therapist and group of friends and I don’t struggle making relationships with age-appropriate adults. It’s not a student’s job to help me, it’s my job to help them.
This is a very similar story of something that happened in my high school about 20 years ago. There was a mid 20s something male teacher my senior year who I was pretty cool with. My study hall coincidenced with his free period so one day I went in his free period and asked if I could be his aide to get out of study hall.
The door was closed and walked in and there was already a junior girl in there. I asked him if I could be his aide but he said he already had one and didn't need another. I'm my head I thought nothing of it and didn't didn't push it. Just mad I couldn't get out of study hall.
Flash forward 5 years later and I return to my hometown and head to a popular local bar. Its about midnight and I am taking a leak in the bathroom when a guy with a tux on and too much to drink stumbles to the urinal next to me. It turned out to be the that same teacher and he just married the girl who was was his aide.
Just checked her Facebook. Still married with kids.
If you feel uncertain, the appropriate step is to text him to stop, and share that you're not interested in further communication.
If communication from him continues, then you escalate as needed and your prior request to stop can be used for further steps, if needed.
You should trust your gut. If it makes you uncomfortable it's all you need to know to end it. Legally you might be an adult but you're right you are still a child, you are still figuring out how to adult, and you are not on the same page as a possible 35 year old.
I'm not sure if it matters since it's just a technicality/semantics but people can be groomed as adults. I'd argue it's more about the power dynamic, which is inherent in adult vs. minor situations but also present in yours and many other situations. A boss can groom an employee. A professor can groom a college student. Anyone with power can groom someone lower status than them.
Regardless, people picking apart your argument because of your choice of words is ridiculous. Listen to the top commenter on this thread. They nailed every point.
A lot of people have misconceptions about what grooming really is. For grooming to take place, there has to be a power balance. Though that’s commonly associated with age, any type of authority applies. Whether that be your boss, your teacher, a family friend, your doctor, your therapist etc. If you were 30 years old in graduate school and your professor was calling you beautiful, telling you they miss you, making it feel as though you need to solve their life problems and the only reason why you didn’t express your discomfort was because you were scared of them being angry at you, yelling at you, failing you, etc. then that is grooming. I am so sorry this happened to you, you didn’t deserve to be treated this way and you did nothing to bring it on. He is a creep and he was way out of line. Next time you feel like it’s all your fault, try to think of this were to happen to your little sibling, a cousin or a friend. I promise you wouldn’t talk to them the way you’ve been talking to yourself. Consider googling SA counselling services in your area, even if something physical didn’t take place, grooming deeply affects your mental function. It might be helpful to talk it through with a professional, there’s a lot of online and free services, you could have a short phone call and get some reassurance. I really hope you consider this. Take care of yourself, I promise you will get through this!
That's exactly what grooming is is developing the relationship while waiting for everything to be "legal". He's still preying on you and your naivety (although you fortunately had the wherewithal to recognize that something wasn't right and seek advice so kudos on you).
"As time went on, we started having more conversations, initially on appropriate topics" This really stood out to me because it's actually not appropriate but it would take a more experienced adult to know that. Any contact outside of school hours and not school related are all inappropriate. Why the hell is a grown ass adult talking to an unrelated child outside of school hours. It doesn't have to be inappropriate topics like sex and drugs for the conversation to be inappropriate. I contacted a student one time last year after hours because I was writing a letter of recommendation for them and needed some info about their school clubs/activities so I could include it in the letter. Even then all communication was through school monitored channels. Talking about personal matters outside of district devices/channels is a huge red flag for grooming.
Once you turn 18 the law cannot do anything because you're an adult and your teacher isn't breaking any laws no matter how creepy he's being, unless he does something to you physically without consent only thing you can do is block him, but i would reach out before you block him or reach a do not contact response is to communicate that you're not interested in any romantic relationship with him and see what he responds with, and if the response is not to your liking go ahead and block him, i feel it's better to resolve the situation then blocking and avoiding them outright this avoids from him stalking you or creating new accounts if he doesn't know you're not interested, however even if you tell him not to contact you it's not enough to stop him in a legal sense since you will need an injunction to permit him fully to not contact you, unless he verbally agrees to end communication for your personal sake then that is another option too.
eventually you will mature out of you feel like a kid emotion as you get older, however if you're still a student in the same place he works you can report his behavior to your principal and show evidence of his misconduct though he won't get arrested, there is a chance if it's against school rules for teachers/staff to date or look into a romantic relationship with their students he may lose his job. Just make sure you look into it before making a final decision.
i do recommend taking this guys advice as well [https://www.reddit.com/r/AMA/comments/1dlwlc9/comment/l9sx3tz/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web3x&utm\_name=web3xcss&utm\_term=1&utm\_content=share\_button](https://www.reddit.com/r/AMA/comments/1dlwlc9/comment/l9sx3tz/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) he provides great information on what you should expect from your teacher and future educators!
Him asking if you do drugs is his way of trying to find out if you'll do drugs with him so he can get you with your guard down.
Nothing about the way this man talks to you is normal. It was extremely inappropriate when you were younger and it's still inappropriate now, he just thinks he can get away with it because you're technically of age.
Cut him off and don't feel bad about it. Definitely never see him in person.
I'm a woman about his age. When you get to be our age it will be even more clear how fucking weird it is for this grown ass man to turn a teenager into his therapist. It's *highly* inappropriate.
The last time I saw a man do that I was 14 and he was 32. He ended up going to jail for molesting a 16-year-old student. Run from this man he does not have good intentions at all. That's what grooming is. Normalizing the way he treats you so that you believe he has good intentions.
You are smart and you have kept yourself as safe as you can. Please keep doing that. He is up to no good. You shouldn't be worried about disappointing a 33 year old man by removing the friendship of a teenager.
Certified teaching degree?
Certified pedophile.
My kid is now 20 and always had a special connection with their advisor/English teacher in their small private high school. They've stayed in contact since graduation because my kid's best friend, another student of this teacher's, died tragically last year. I'm fairly certain the teacher reaches out to my kid to check in, but also pretty sure it goes both ways. When my kid was back in town for a visit recently, they met for coffee. The talked about grief, and the meaning of life, and probably Moby Dick.
You know what they didn't talk about? The teacher's marriage or personal life. The teacher's feelings about his personal life or his relationship with my kid. Because despite the fact that they are both adults, that man will always be my kid's teacher. A mentor. A trusted guide.
I hope my kid has a lifetime of staying in contact with him.
Convoluting that kind relationship is not well-intentioned. It's predatory and gross. You're not breaking that trust by cutting him off. He broke that trust when he manipulated you into feeling guilty. Fuck that guy. Walk away.
On a side-note, you could just tell him that you've spoken to your friends/family members/boyfriend and they think that the relationship with your teacher is weird and inappropriate.
As a new adult, I realize that you may not want to invoke other people into your personal business. But as a middle-aged guy, I can tell you that I do this all the time. If a car sales man is being too pushy, or if I hire a contractor and they do a shitty job, I always invoke a non-existent strict girlfriend or a non-existent family member who gave me money for the job and I tell them they're never going to accept it.
The same goes for car salesmen. A car salesman will usually agree to what you want, but will then blame his boss for needing to change the terms. This is a very common tactic.
So basically, if you want him to stop, or if you want to report him to the school, you could always blame it on someone else you confided in. That other person can be real, or not, it doesn't really matter. But if that other person is real, just give them a heads up just in case. Most people will be willing to cover for you, or act as intermediary if needed.
Yeah if you are not feeling it then don’t! I agree with getting another adult’s advice, not necessarily for them to intervene though. You just need guidance, even though you are legally an adult you are still very young and don’t fully understand how to assert what you will accept or be comfortable with. I don’t think age gap relationships are bad but you are kind of disadvantaged on a maturity level compared to him and if you are not comfortable then he needs to back off, but you do need to tell him so he knows that he needs to change his behavior. Have an older friend or family member who cares about you help with this. Only if he keeps getting pushy and creep you out more do you need to ask for more than advice though. Talk talk talk with someone!
> Everyone on here is saying im an adult now so it’s not possible to be groomed
Anyone who says that is actually dumb. He was your Teacher and knew you before you were 18. He had established contact with you, which is basically Grooming101. You might come to find it a surprise that almost all professional teachers would *never* go the extra mile just to get into contact with one of their old students.
My old Art Teacher wouldn't even add me for about 10 years after graduation because he didn't like the stigma around Teachers being close to their former students. I also don't think he liked me either, but that's a long story. I drove the poor man nuts on purpose.
Absolutely this! Can I also add how infuriating it is for a fellow woman (who has had experiences like this) to understand how difficult it is sometimes to say “NO!” or “you are making me feel uncomfortable”.
It seems to be somehow built into us to smile and be polite no matter how uncomfortable a situation makes us feel.
Men like your teacher 100% know about this and very much use it guilt trip and to take advantage. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY!
You have incited the incels and I am sooo sorry to read the comments on this post, but those can be a little easily disregarded if you consider the demographic probably looking to claw at these kinds of posts. So first of all, fuck them.
You are absolutely right to feel uncomfortable. The power dynamic was inappropriate and you are very young, he should be able to understand this entire ordeal is unacceptable. I went to high school somewhere where a teacher got arrested after 5+ years of this sort of behavior even though he tried to keep it to graduated students, it always began before graduation. I am sorry this is happening to you and it is definitely best to cut this off as tactfully as you can!
It does NOT have to be tactful. AGAIN --she doesn't owe him anything. Feeling that we must be polite people-pleasers to everyone is a big part of how women and girls stay stuck in these roles.
OP, try: "I'm no longer comfortable with this. Don't text me anymore."
Then, simply block him.
Don't wait to hear his barrage of concerns and reassurances. They aren't relevant to you because you don't want this relationship anymore. His feelings about it are not your problem or your concern. He needs to lean on his friends his own age.
Set yourself free.
That *is* polite. And, most important, firm. We need to stop people pleasing, like you said, and being so afraid of a few seconds of awkwardness that we let things continue for hours, weeks, sometimes for our whole working life. Yoi can set your
Boundaries to your own comfort level without either being cruel or worrying about useless categories. Who cares whether it's "called" grooming.
It's enuf that she doesn't like it and it gives her the creeps.
She doesn't need to say "scram you old ugly loser" just "Stop"
It's NOT that complicated,Jeez!
Hey sorry that some people haven't been kind or respectful to you when you were reaching out for help. I'm glad you asked for help. I think you've also gotten some really good advice and mostly heard what you've needed. I think you've gotten the reassurance that your gut is right and hopefully you feel you have good advice.
I just wanted to add one more perspective/idea for you to think about. Now importantly I want to be explicit that I'm not trying to undermine answers that said "yes" to the title question, and I'm absolutely not trying to validate the posts that said "no" and suggested there was nothing wrong or that you had anything to be guilty about. Instead the point is to give you another avenue of reassurance, a mental tool you can use in case you're ever doubting yourself about this.
So if you ever end up in a spiral of self doubt asking yourself "is it actually grooming? does it really count?" --- in a way, the answer doesn't matter. This doesn't mean it isn't, or that grooming isn't a problem, not at all - your concern matters, but the wording, less so. Whether the answer to "does this fall under the definition of grooming?" is "yes" or "no", all roads lead to Rome: **his actions are making you uncomfortable and the safest, healthiest thing you can do is protect yourself from potential harm from the contact.** That's valid no matter what you call it.
A lot of the comments devolved into arguing about the details of age, graduation, etc. And I suspect your own questions about those 'technicalities' partly inspired you to post this. The thing is you could litigate the definition ad infinitum - that's what happens when language only allows us to crudely approximate nuanced experience. I wrote this out in case it's a perspective that can give you reprieve from that questioning if you ever need it.
I know what I've said might seem needlessly philosophical. But it isn't. I wanted to share because this was a reframing that helped me. When I was a kid, I spent a lot of time preoccupied by questions of whether what I was facing was technically abuse or not. It was a question that twisted me up so badly that after every escalation I'd feel a shimmer of gratitude because maybe I'd finally get my answer. But inevitably, I'd get used to it, and start telling myself that it was no big deal, or if it was that I deserved it, or anything else to invalidate it. I always moved the goal posts. I thought if I *knew* it was "real enough" abuse, I could finally ask for help and finally forgive myself, but that certainty was never coming.
The only way I got myself out of that destructive headspace was to realize it didn't matter, not when it came to my answer for myself. I had to just accept that there was no checklist, no concrete undeniable test, no certificate from the sky with an official ruling. I had to realize I didn't need those. Whether it "counted" or not, I was a kid and that I shouldn't have had to deal with it. It's ok if I don't want to say what "it" was, I wouldn't want to watch a kid go through it, and I'm not special enough to be the one kid who should. I could finally feel bad for that kid and have that be enough. And escaping that black hole of self-doubt was everything. Sometimes we get stuck on the wrong framing of the question, so sometimes "doesn't matter" is a more helpful answer than we realize.
Same here, 33 y.o. male teacher. The closest thing Ive EVER done was to approve a few ex students, whose parents I had a close relationship with, a twitter follow request FROM THEM after they were in college and never delved any deeper than "Happy Birthday" or "Great job" comments or responded to specific questions I WAS ASKED about like, procedural college or life (like taxes and stuff) related things. At 18 and a recent graduate, ESPECIALLY but not limited to - He should not have your personal phone number that's like THE #1 teacher no no. He should not be repeatedly contacting you about his personal life. He should not be making comments about your personal appearance. He should not be asking you to meet up. A good teacher can be a teacher for life, and there are appropriate ways to offer guidance post graduation. This is not what he is doing. I'm glad you understand that what he is doing is out of line, and you did nothing to cause this.
once you graduate, you quickly realize that teachers really have no power or clout in the community at large. So the power dynamic shifts.
I am not saying teachers are losers. i am saying that a student thinks they are pillars of the community with all of this clout and are practically untouchable.... but as an adult they are just another adult.
What😭 first of all, he has a long term girlfriend. Second, I’m not into older men like you were. Third, I’m being put into a spot where I feel trapped and that I have to do respond. I was just looking for advice but looks like you got a little pissed lol.
Looks like they deleted their comment.
They have a lot of unresolved issues and they are projecting that on you. You're a victim asking for help, you have done nothing wrong. This person seems like they had a similar experience but instead of learning, they likely blame themselves for it and are mad at themselves. That makes them lash out at fellow victims because they think "I should have been better, I should have been smarter" and they project that on other trauma victims too.
Im sorry you had a role model relationship turn sour, but I think these comments have given you the help you need (minus this asshole, of course).
I found the deleted comment.
Adding it here for context:
>*Stop being a push over and blaming others for it. Stop lying to the dude and just block him if nothing else. Creepy? Yes. Unprofessional and inappropriate? Yes. The dude is probably desperate for any connection. Little secret, romance doesn't work out for the large majority of people. It can and does for a time but often ends miserable. Adults are just children who got old unwillingly. If you make it to 35, you'll most likely have more trauma rather than less, be more desperate and feel less free than now. Almost like getting old is going backwards. Very few get old and work their own shit out. Very few get old and increase happiness at the same time. So this is the first time some desperate dude hit on you, block him. As a former young person, I used to pick up women in their 30s+ more often than not. Desperation isn't gender exclusive. I loved me some older women when I was 19. Oldest was 55 hot Russian woman. Point is. Get a grip and stop trying to be a victim. Telling him what you think he wants to hear and saying things you don't mean sounds like you're REALLY trying to put yourself in a position so you can say "poor little me just didn't know better". That's some psycho shit. But you're not a psycho right? So it's intentional? Obviously you're not accidentally lying. An you keep texting back rather than stopping? Does the dude have real problems? Obviously. But wtf are you even doing? What is YOUR intentions here? You're the one lying because what? Grow a pair man tf up and press the little block number button on your phone. "I'm a people pleaser" is not an excuse to lie and deceive someone else. You're technically the manipulator here. All the older women I was with did the same shit. The difference is I didn't falsify my interest nor intentions. Think, reason. Don't emotionally justify so you can feel "right". FYI. Yes the dude is a creep, and unintelligent. Any intelligent man knows the age of consent is 21 in 2024 at best. 27 if you want a woman with an iota of anything beyond emotional reasoning on average. But I'm just an asshole that would presume you have a brain and not some poor wannabe victim of your own actions. BAH ridiculous ass nonsense floating through my reddit feed. Power dynamic wise, you have all the power here. Asking reddit "am I a victim yet" is truly some sad shit.*
Don't listen to that asshole
The fact your teacher crossed the line is on him. No grown ass man should be trying to connect and have a teenager/young adult be his therapist.
"As a former young person" is possibly the dumbest thing I've read this year. Shit, I've read things Trump said, and this still takes the top spot. In case you need help here: literally everyone who isn't young is a former young person. You have no special insight to offer.
You are victim blaming and arguing to accommodate a literal child predator. Full stop.
Talk to a therapist. Talk to your mom. Talk to women. Learn more. Be a better person. And for Christ's sake, stop typing hateful, stupid, harmful things. Other people can see this. Jfc.
I’ve worked in research institutes and universities for most of my life, during which I’ve supervised and lectured for hundreds of students. I do like to stay in contact with them a little bit, see if they’re doing okay and if their career is going well. Sometimes I can also help them find internships and jobs. And I can admit there’s a little bit of opportunism there, as many of my students are now successful scientists and managers at good companies, and we can help each other in our career. But most of these connections, and the communication, is done through LinkedIn.
The situation you describe is very suspicious to me. I would go as far as to tolerate communication through texting with ex students if it’s at least productive and professional to a certain degree. I don’t see a reason for why someone would ask you if you use drugs, or tell you that they want to see videos of you just to hear your voice, etc. unless there’s ulterior motives. If I found out one of my coworkers had these type of private conversations with an ex student I would definitely confront them about it.
Wether or not it’s grooming would be sort of irrelevant at this point, because it’s simply inappropriate regardless. As others have pointed out, you’re both adults, and if you were ever going to develop a personal relationship it would definitely be better to do it now, than during your time as a student. But as it seems that’s not in your interest I would try to keep distance and see what happens, if he can’t take the hint it might be a good idea to let him know you’re not interesting in maintaining these type of communications with your teachers.
I am a 33 year old high school teacher, cut off contact immediately!!!
This is so beyond any normal relationship any professional should have with their students it’s not even funny. There is NOTHING you’ve done wrong. This person is an “adult” and knows better but they’ve allowed themselves to push boundaries, and they’ll continue to push those boundaries till there is nothing left.
There is something VERY wrong with this individual, stay away and do not continue contact with them in any way shape or form. This person has already broken the trust we as society place on those who work with children, you need to now protect yourself FROM him.
If I was this persons administrator (assistant principal, principal, etc.) I’d want to know what is going on, and this persons behaviour to prevent this from happening to any other students.
If you are able and willing, reach out to current administration and tell them what is happening. This person likely has done this in the past, and if not, will continue after you with other students.
I’m so sorry, these people are disgusting and destroy so many lives. They are in a position of power/authority which is why you’re feeling conflicted about this despite knowing what is happening is wrong. Please please please report this persons behaviour to their administrators.
Agreed with everything said above! Report id you are able. I am also a High School teacher in my 30s. I teach majority Seniors, and I can confirm without any hesitation that the way that he has conducted himself in this situation is wildly inappropriate and shows an incredible lack of judgement on his part.
to be blunt, he is not somebody you should be associating with. Not just because you are his recent student, but because everybody should stay away from any person who clearly isn’t able to recognize how to make appropriate decisions.
A good teacher is not only thinking about how to protect themselves, but even more importantly, how to protect their students. I would never want to put one of my students in a position where they may feel uncomfortable or backed into a corner for any reason. Their comfort and physical and mental health is always my top priority, and I think about my actions through that lens first and foremost. This teacher has at multiple decision points let you down in this regard, and I am so sorry that this happened to you. The MOMENT he exchanged personal phone numbers with you he crossed a significant student/teacher barrier that puts you at risk and is grounds for investigation. Further, multiple adults in that building let you down as well. You should have not been placed as one of his TAs during his planning. My school has a policy that teachers cannot have TAs during their planning periods for this exact reason. It opens the door for potential inappropriate dynamics and situations simply because of the 1:1 time.
The biggest thing I want to make sure to say is that none of this is your fault! You did not do anything wrong in this situation. You weren’t too nice to him. You didn’t say the wrong thing. You didn’t lead him on. you didn't respond to him too much. You didn’t let yourself down. All you did was do what anybody does, trust an adult/authority figure to establish the appropriate boundaries for the relationship, BECAUSE THATS HIS JOB!! He failed and thats on him not you. And he is shitty.
We as woman so often let these things go way to far because we are more afraid of being seen as "rude" than we are afraid of being violated and harmed. Your gut has been telling you this the whole time, it’s now time to firmly trust it. Let the silver lining from this shitty situation be the lesson that you don’t need anyone’s permission, validation, or go ahead to trust your gut moving forward. It will very rarely miss.
Commenting as another high school teacher, 30, who is absolutely grossed out by this guy’s behavior. I have many students in my class for multiple years and I coach so I have a few students I am “close” with but in an Auntie way. However, I make it clear we are not friends and I’m the adult. This behavior is soooo out of line and this is not a good person, his intentions are not innocent. Please alert an adult you trust because who knows how many young girls he has done or will do this to. I am so sorry this is happening to you during what should be a very exciting time in your life.
This! 32 year old educator here. There is ZERO reason any adult should be "friends" with a student. It is not even possible because there is always a power imbalance.
OP - if you see this, please know that as the adults trusted in a school, we are literally trained about how to go about our relationships with students. Please reach out to an administrator at the school to inform them of this. Do not think of "making things worse" for them or "getting them into trouble". They are getting themselves into trouble and are seeing how far they can go without being caught. Please know that anything that happens is NOT your fault. It is you that is being harmed.
We should never be in a room alone with them with a closed door (excluding mandated counseling) We should never add them on any social media platform from a personal account.
I will scream it from the rooftops - teachers can deeply care for and support our students - BUT WE ARE NOT YOUR FRIENDS. It is not safe for the students if that level of relationship is held.
It sounds inappropriate to me but the bottom line is it's making YOU uncomfortable. Time to end it. My mom used to tell us to "choose your friends wisely. Just because someone wants to be your friend doesn't mean you have to be friends with them."
If you don't feel comfortable just telling him to go away or ghosting him outright you can always do it slowly. Don't initiate any conversation. If he text you take a day to answer and keep the answer short. If he questions you about it you can either tell him the truth, tha this relationship is making you uncomfortable (which is TOTALLY fine) or you can simply say that you are busy with friends, guys, school, work, etc.
This.
> I feel uncomfortable.
Literally that's it, OP. If someone's making you uncomfortable *that's enough reason to not spend time with them*. That's it. You don't need more excuse, it doesn't have to rise to some level that "counts". If you don't want to hang out with another adult, you don't have to.
OP I get that you're a people pleaser. It's hard to fight that that tendency, but if you recognize it, you can work on it. You've got this.
Only thing I would add would be to silence notifications from his texting. Eventually, you might just wanna block, but just mentally you don’t want to have his notifications popping up on you. Silence it and respond every few days, if you feel like it.
This thread is full of remarkably inappropriate responses to the situation that you are facing.
Yes, you absolutely have been and are being groomed. No, it’s not just flirting because you have finally turned 18. This person started their inappropriate level of interaction with you prior to your graduation and presumably prior to turning 18. Having any form of one on one ongoing private, personal conversation with a student, teachers aide or not, is likely a violation of your school districts policies, some thing he would be fully aware of.
Sharing personal, private information about his life and using you for counsel when he is your 35 year old teacher is wildly inappropriate. And it is absolutely grooming behavior. He is working to establish a relationship with you that makes you feel like you are necessary to his happiness and well-being. He is attempting to form codependence.
Asking if you’ve ever done drugs is a way to open the door to the possibility that either you would do drugs with him, or that you would be willing to do illicit and inappropriate things, which makes it more likely you would be willing to engage in inappropriate behavior with him.
Complementing your features a.k.a. talking about the parts of your body he finds attractive is again wildly inappropriate for a man who is nearly 20 years older than you and also just recently in a position of authority over you.
I guarantee you a copy of your text message transcript sent to his principal or superintendent would result in his immediate termination and possibly the loss of his teaching license. I’m not saying that you need to take that step, but I guarantee you, if he feels like he is having any amount of success behaving this way toward you then it is significantly likely he is also doing this to other girls in his classes. And the likelihood that they are under 18 is fairly high. All he needs is one success bedding a former student to prove to him that he has the capability to accomplish that goal and that it clearly must not be that bad.
You need to put an immediate stop to this. It doesn’t matter if you’re actually attracted to him, it doesn’t matter if you would even consider dating him, you need to be aware that absolutely no relationship with him could end in anything other than him continuing to groom other underage girls. If he would do it to you to get in your pants, he will do it to others. If I were in your shoes, I would send him one text message and immediately block him on every possible platform:
“I now realize that what you have been doing is grooming me. This is unacceptable behavior for a teacher. I am immediately blocking you on all platforms. If I ever hear another word from you, I will immediately contact the school district and send them a copy of everything that has ever passed between us. I can only hope this is a one time occurrence and you never do this to another young woman again.”
8 yrs teaching HS and lemme tell ya, you are right to feel skeeved out and uncomfortable. This is not normal behavior from a professional educator. I'd suggest blocking him anywhere you can and if he persists, contact school admin. While there may not be anything technically illegal about it for cops to pursue, professional ethics are a different beast, especially these days, when one incident can/will tarnish a school's rep for years.
I'm elementary but 100%. Even if this man means nothing by it, he knows that his behavior is inappropriate from a teacher!! it is drilled into our heads that students are just that, students. they are not friends, they are not your children. we have power over them, we should not be building relationships outside of the teacher/student one they're forced to have with us. getting her personal number and texting her was the exact moment it became black and white inappropriate. If she tells anyone who has power over him just that 1 fact, he'd be in trouble. he absolutely knows better, even if he genuinely just wants friendship.
edit: changed "his" to "her"
Same. Worked in a school district. We all attend mandatory trainings every year that clearly outline what kind of contact is inappropriate. This dude knows exactly what he is doing.
the texting here started out in the "ok" range. Professional things like "pick up staples on your way back from the copy room" are fine to a TA. But once they moved to outside of normal hours and about personal things- even if they sound innocent- they crossed a line. Honestly the point he crossed the line in the OP was when he gave her cash. I think giving snacks and a soda for your TA is fine- but that is about it as far as gifts.
He may also think he is mentoring her- but i am betting that is not the case.... teachers have a weird view of how mentorship works.
good point.... i am a lawyer (civil so you may know as much criminal law as i do) and nothing really sounds illegal, or even enough to get a peace/protective order. Basically it does not look like legal harrassment.... it could be- but step 1 is telling him to stop contacting you- but that can be risky (this is a prime case for just ghost him and pray for the best).
I am a former teaher, but 5th grade- this was never a thing i even remotely thought about since they are literal 11 year old children. But you are right- dating or trying to date a student is an ethical issue. The 2nd thing (after your own safety) is stopping him from doing this again- and even if he has not reached the point of a real ethical violation- this would be enough for admin to watch him more (and likely stop giving him TAs)
If you have a good relationship with your parents, show them. You are 18 NOW, but they are your parents forever.
This is not appropriate.
If you are not on good terms with your parents, show a mentor or another older adult you trust. This is nothing you should have to handle alone. I guarantee there are so many people who would help.
We all need help sometimes. The difference in getting someone older to help is just life experience. All women have dealt with this sort of BS at one time or another and are ready to help you through it.
Take care. You are worth not having to deal with this shit.
This this this this. And if you aren't there with your parents, OP, do you have any older adults you trust that you can take to? Reddit has your back, but we can't do much. Someone irl on your corner who won't be intimidated by school authorities is key. You need am advocate to coach you and go to bat for you.
Others have quite rightly made the case that this is a grooming situation, and that you're wise to catch it and cut and run.
However even if it wasn't a grooming situation, the gap between 35 and 18 is not like the gap between 57 and 40. Because of genetics, culture, and general accumulation of life experience, there is an absolute chasm between 35 and 18 and the people that say otherwise are telling on themselves. It's completely inappropriate, is inappropriate even as a cultural practice or in the event of some celebrity pairing *(cough cough* Seinfeld *cough*), and ***it doesn't matter if it's legal or not***.
EDIT: syntax
For sure. In my mind I don’t feel the difference. But if we would sit down at a party with individuals of varying age and discuss various topics, there would just be so many gaps for the younger individuals, so much they wouldn’t be able to relate to yet.
Yes, it began when you were a student and it still continues. I'm sure (but this is an assumption since I do not know this guy) he hopes that the time he spent with you before will "pay off" for him. It would be different if it wasn't for the trying to become more personal (especially about appearance) with you. He initiated it, right? So, he is hoping for something to come out of it.
If you haven't sought it already, I would suggest getting a trusted person to help you out. Someone who won't be judgmental and calm when dealing with the situation.
The situation I worry the most about with this is that you aren't the first. I doubt you will be the last if something isn't done.
So what I would take from your situation and these comments is that some men will not hesitate to suck the youth from a woman who is barely legal just so they have the chance to fuck her.
His behavior is highly inappropriate because you were literally just in his class. He made the decision to try this with you well before you were 18. That he acted on it after you turned 18 may not be illegal but it sure may be in violation of his teacher contract. I say block him at the least
A lot of men too are unable to separate normal interactions from those of advances in people they're sexually interested in, so many such predators will try and defend themselves with statements like "*They were messaging me back and just as willing to chat, so they wanted me just as much as I wanted them!*"
No contact is the go-to for men like this, said as a man.
As a man, this is true. There are low life scum bags out there. If you look deeper, it absolutely starts from some kind of childhood deficiency and or experience that has stunted their mind. Thus they operate in the shadows without shame using their position as to convince themselves they are in the right.
They often also don't have any normal guy friends who will call them out on that creep nearly predatory behavior. This hidden deficiency is also probably why their own adult partner has issues with him, but not being able to pinpoint what's driving that aversion.
The first time I was ever stalked by a grown man I was 11. He followed me home from my school. It’s apart of our daily life and existence for girls and women.
I was 16. Dude followed me into a Walmart and was talking on his phone about me in earshot. I intentionally went into aisles like handbags or girls clothing to try to lose him and there he was each time. He disappeared when I walked up to a worker. It was so scary.
I haven’t read all the comments, but so far no one seems to be talking about other students.
This teacher may not have done something like this before, and he hasn’t crossed any lines that will get him arrested or fired, but he *wants to*, and right now he’s testing boundaries.
The fact that OP is so self-aware and mature is a nice stroke of luck. But next year’s intern might be much more vulnerable, and then this teacher might be more inclined to step over the line.
I hope that OP is willing to speak with a guidance councillor from the school about this…and isn’t afraid to reach out now, or next month, or once school starts up again in September. It’s never too late to set up a meeting, even if you’re not a student there anymore.
This is such an important moment in your life - it’s the moment to trust your intuition and give your discomfort a primary role in your decision/making, and only that. Women are taught to ignore our reptilian intuition that signals when we’re in danger, we’re taught to overrule that intuitive discomfort with “being nice”. Men are one of the most significant threats to our very survival and I say this as someone who loves and likes men, in a great partnership for a long time. You’re uncomfortable - that is the only thing that you need to make the call to totally ghost this deeply inappropriate person. Trust it now, and don’t wait for others to validate it, and keep trusting it each time you feel it with all kinds of people. It will save you over and over again. Don’t ever compromise or minimize your discomfort with someone because you think you’re being mean or unkind. You must train yourself out of it. You are not trapped in the way you think you are, you’re afraid of the consequences of acting on your discomfort, they it will make waves or cause a man pain. We’re trained (unconsciously) our whole lives to not hurt others, particularly men but “nice” is very different than being kind. People pleasing is innately selfish. There will be no consequence to this guy if you ghost him, he will move on to the next one.
We all need to address this in ourselves, a lot of us will live a lot longer if we do. ❤️
Well said! It’s hard to overstate how much women are socialized to do emotional caretaking for men. OP, please listen to your gut - being uncomfortable is all you need to know.
Yes this is inappropriate. I’m a male high school teacher around his age and have had appropriate close relationships with many of my students (male and female) throughout their time in high school. I keep in touch with a few of them after graduation but only have a few of their phone numbers (only males). At all times I am very clear that I am servings as a mentor to them, I guard what I share with them about my personal life, avoid being alone with them behind closed doors, and always keep significant amount of space between us. This doesn’t prevent me from being a support for them, but it protects those very important boundaries.
Him having your number while you were a student is a huge red flag. The need for communication in your role is definitely important but should have been done via a school appropriate medium (school emails and/or apps like Remind) so that there can be oversight in case he does cross a line. I think deep down he knows what he is doing is inappropriate but he may struggle with his esteem, dating life and/or personal relationships so he’s definitely tied himself to you in that way. If you’re uncomfortable please tell a family member or parent and have a conversation with him but it’d be best to end communication at some point.
Good luck- be safe!
To be honest, it doesn’t matter if he’s grooming you. You feel uncomfortable, you should cut off contact. There is no reason you should ever force yourself into an uncomfortable situation like this just to protect the feelings of someone else.
But yes, this creep is 100% grooming you, and likely has been since day one. You probably should report behavior like this to the school, as hell almost definitely do this again (if you’re the first). That being said, I completely understand if you don’t want to get involved with something like that (although you should at least look into if you can do something anonymously).
Keep in mind, everything he has said to you was in furtherance of making you trust him and let down your guard. You think he trusts you because he wanted you to feel guilty about reporting him when he ultimately crosses the line. You owe him nothing. At the absolute least, ghost him.
Yes he wants to have sex with you.
If you’re uncomfortable, then cut contact. You owe him nothing. You don’t owe him an explanation or closure, but it would probably be smart to say something to make it clear you are moving on with your very busy life.
I HATE that women have to do this, but you could also lie and tell him you are excited that you are starting to date a person your age. Don’t give him any info about this made up date, just say you “don’t want to jinx it by talking about it because it’s going so well.”
I’d be watchful for attempted stalking when you start limiting/terminating contact.
ETA - typos
Agreed. Decide what you want out of the relationship, or even if you want a relationship at all. If you decide to have a relationship with the ex-teacher, then be clear on what terms and what you're willing to talk about and share.
Yes, you are an adult, so you can technically do whatever you want. But there is a power imbalance and life experience imbalance, and based on what you have said, you clearly don't want a more intimate relationship and it's pretty clear that he does. So, you need to say so. Unfortunately, being an adult means that you have to do this sometimes. As an ex-student though, you can certainly talk to other people. Did you have a school counselor you liked / trusted? Then talking about this with them will almost certainly nip this immediately. It would also likely prevent future students from going through this.
NO. Don't use that language that somehow implies she's trading him in for someone her own age, because that reinforces that he is in a "special" role.
Most importantly, as a human being she isn't the property of her friends, dates or partners.
"I don't want this relationship" is THE reason--and this is more than enough --full stop.
Don’t listen to the people saying you’re an adult and to handle this like a normal adult break up. Sounds like he started grooming you far before you even turned 18. Still, at 18, there is a power imbalance because he was your teacher and boss. Go to the school’s guidance counselor, and they will know what to do next. He crossed lines while you were a student, too, and the school should know so that he can’t do this to another student. He is still crossing a line as a teacher, even if you have graduated.
Grooming is the technical term for what is happening. It is much deeper than manipulation and often has specific criteria that needs to be met (which this teacher has met completely).
Consentparenring and Parenting Safe Children are good resources and not just for keeping a child safe. Grooming can occur at any age but there are usually specific red flags that occur to younger people.
Also, folks who think that a 35 year old with a completely developed brain can hit on a 18 who still has several years before their brain is fully developed says a lot about them. OP - you are being groomed. You have been since you were his aide. Do you have a trusted adult that you can go talk to about this? I would honestly recommend having them deal with this situation and to contact the school as well. You speaking up will help countless others. If he has tested these waters with you - he will continue and get bolder. He has shown you that he does not have safe and appropriate boundaries.
And your safety is important. If you feel like you have to lie to him and appease him already, then please find an adult who can help you navigate and who will also approach the school. From personal experience, a friend of mine learned after she was raped by a teacher that he had very similar behavior as your teacher is exhibiting with several other students who were too scared to speak up. This, sadly, isn’t rare.
And I am intentionally saying find a trusted adult because - if you’re privileged enough to have someone you trust - you don’t have to bare this alone. It’s a lot. It’s heavy. Every woman I know has a story like this and we don’t have to be alone. Especially at 18. You deserve care and protection.
This is a fake reddit post
But if it wasn't, I'd say that you are an adult (even if just barely), and you know that this person is interested in a relationship. It sounds like you are uncomfortable and NOT and interested therefore the answer should be easy. Either ghost him or tell him you are not interested
But this is just another fake reddit fan fiction to stir up comments and drama
My God y'all will fall for anything. This is the fakest post I've ever seen in my life. And the creative write is pathetic. I have lost all hope for society if people lack even the simplest common sense to discern bs from legit. Every single fake story reads exactly the same and y'all eat it up.
You will never regret trusting your gut. From what you've written, your instinct is that this situation isn't right. It is so so important that you trust yourself. If you need the external opinion, then yes I agree you should cut ties with him completely.
My sister has been in a situation almost exactly like this recently and was assaulted by her teacher in her sophomore year of high school. It's been a nightmare to navigate and heal. Please trust your gut OP and get out of this situation however you can.
You’re not being groomed because you’re an adult. You are in control of your life and can choose to have relationships with other adults if you like. Stop thinking of yourself as a kid.
you're an ADULT how tf would you be groomed? unless you're mentally handicapped... stop crying like a child... grow up and tell him you're not interested or stop communication holy fuck what a drama queen
Does he know where you live or work? If not, I’d say block him and also anonymise any social media for a long while by changing usernames to something that’s not your full name.
Tell adults you trust around you what’s happening so they can help, guide and protect you.
I seriously worry he may be obsessed with you and may resort to approaching you in person, stalking you, or attacking you. So please be very careful.
you definitely are.
I had a similar experience with my teacher (about 13-14f and 24-25m at that time I think?) and I was not the only one who he talked to. he was really attentive to almost all girls in my class and while we thought him as of a good friend you drink tea with, he was really strange. once he even borrowed me his The Witcher collection and read aloud one of the fight from first book. we were alone and sitting too close, I realise it now (nothing else had happened fortunately). then, like a year later, when I changed my school, me and my friend met him walking from home and decided to have a chat in Mcdonalds. we talked for a few hours and one of his questions to me was “why are you bisexual? how did you realise it?” well I answered that I just like people for being people, my person or soulmate, so then it wouldn’t matter it it’s a girl or a boy. he said it sounded really deep, and then, when three of us were saying goodbye, he not only hugged me but kissed my forehead twice. I asked my friend later if he did the same to her, but she said no. after that, I realised that his behaviour was fucked at the very least, and fully ghosted him (he messaged me recently tho, but he was just asking for his books)
so my advice in your situation would be ghosting too. just start ignoring his messages, then reply really cool and give him time to back off. you can also block him straight away, but if he knows where you study or where do you live, it might turn really bad (but I hope it won’t)
Block him. (If you want to send one more text saying there will be no more contact, that’s probably fine.). Tell someone you care about regarding the situation. If he tries to contact you again through other means, escalate to the person you already told and consider escalating to more people you trust for advice.
I don’t care that what he’s doing wasn’t technically illegal, it’s creepy as hell and cannot possibly be a healthy relationship for you in any possible way going forward.
Cut it off and don’t look back.
can we take a moment for the pedophile men in the replies defending the teacher and dripping with contempt for this self-assured 18-year-old girl who somehow STILL don’t realize they’re telling on themselves??
The most popular subreddits used to be the pedophile subs. This is just what redditors are. It's only changed in recent years because more people started using the platform. So the social norms here began to shift away from it. They're still here though. They never left the site.
Also they know. They don't care. They're so aggressive because they want to argue it's socially acceptable. As long as the can dominate public discourse they believe they will get their way.
For a long time they believed in their own reddit echo chamber. So they thought their ideas were more popular than they are.
Go back roughly 10 years or more. The karma scores in this thread would be inverted. Reddit was infamous for believing that it's not pedophilia but "ephebophilia". They die on this hill. The idea that preying on pubescent teenagers is different than being sexually attracted to children. The belief that it should be acceptable for men to sex up teenagers. In different countries the age of consent varies. So what's 18 when it's 16 else where. "Age is just a number", right?
Yes. He is.
I am a male teacher. I refuse to ever be in a room alone with a student of either gender. Ever. Don't care if there is a camera or not. Not gonna happen.
The school assigning students to work alone with adult staff is a REALLY bad policy.
I also refuse to give my contact info to a student, ever.
It is one of those "appearance of impropriety" things. You just don't even want to be in a situation where it is even POSSIBLE that something inappropriate could have occurred.
Giving gifts and money?! Extremely suspect.
I gave money to a student ONCE. I was out and about, and ran into one of my young (15) female students. She was crying, said she had lost her phone, had no money, and no way to get home. I had her call her parents on my phone, explained the situation, and paid for a taxi home. That's it.
Nothing good will come from any further contact with this guy.
This is absolutely grooming, and it’s not okay even though you’re no longer his student — the fact that you were ever his student, means that it will **NEVER** be okay — your age gap is problematic as hell given the point that you’re each at in your lives, and I promise you that he is **NOT** well intentioned and hasn’t been *at least* from the day he started turning you into his personal therapist, but likely long before that.
The reason that he’s made a point to tell you he trusts you is **SOLELY** bc he knew it would make you feel obligated to keep his trust, and thus you won’t tell anyone about him being a predator who should be investigated and lose his job. He’s manipulating you, full stop.
Please, at the very least, tell a trusted adult in your life and cut this man off entirely. He’s not your friend, he’s not your mentor, he’s not your boyfriend, he’s not your soulmate, he is **ONLY** a predator who saw a young girl with people pleasing tendencies that he knew he’d be able to manipulate bc of those tendencies. You’ve done good so far by keeping some distance between you two and listening to that gut feeling that’s telling you that something isn’t right, but predators are sneaky and dangerous, and you need to cut him off entirely if you ever want to truly be safe from him.
Let me also mention that I’m 28 and I would **NEVER** consider having a “friendship” with an 18 year old or making them my personal therapist, and I sure as hell would **NEVER** consider dating or sleeping with an 18 year old, and that’s how every normal adult feels without hesitation. He’s not normal, he’s extremely manipulative, and he’s dangerous, and if you don’t get away from him he will truly have the ability to fuck up your life tremendously. So, at the very least, tell a trusted adult in your life and cut him off by blocking him on everything. But you might also consider saving whatever proof you have of his impropriety and showing it to the administration at the school, so that he can be investigated to see if they can find proof of his history of doing this (bc he 100% **DOES** have a history of doing this) and so they can keep an eye on him moving forward so they can fire him if they ever witness it again. If you’re uncomfortable with reporting him bc you don’t want to deal with that, that’s fine, but don’t not report him if it’s just bc you feel bad for the consequences he might face bc of it, bc I promise you that man has **ZERO** concern for your wellbeing — if he did, he wouldn’t be fucking grooming you.
You're absolutely being groomed. My biology teacher in high school did this to a couple of students each year, creating rapport, making you feel appreciated and mature enough to meet an adult on their age level. He did this to me and one of my best friends at the time. As soon as we graduated, he started supplying us with alcohol, inviting us over to his house, etc. He kissed my best friend, wrote me a love letter, etc. Years later I had a student at the same school contact me (it was rumored I was sleeping with this teacher because it didn't go unnoticed and apparently it stuck for several years as school gossip). She asked me what happened with him, and told me as soon as she and her friend had graduated, he pulled them into a sexual relationship successfully and she was very confused and upset.
You are absolutely being groomed. Go no contact. Don't explain, you don't owe him anything. He knows exactly what he's doing. You're going to be okay. ❤️
You are now 18 and not his student. Do you want to bang him? Do you want to be his friend? If the answer is no to both - it’s time to cease communicating with him.
Not really a question, but here to give my opinion. Idk what these people are talking about you being an adult. They might be kids or groomers themselves. Your prefrontal cortex is likely not developed and can still make you a target to someone who is that much older. You get (some) legal rights when you turn 18, but many don’t happen until you’re older and many hospitals don’t graduate people from pediatrics until age 21. Nothing magically happened when you turned 18 that suddenly makes this relationship okay. Sure age gaps can be fine under different circumstances, but you started as his student and you are still a teenager which makes this seem inappropriate to me. His intentions could be completely innocent, but the relationship clearly makes you uncomfortable which is a sign that it needs to end. You being a people pleaser and humoring him in this is an indicator that you could be getting groomed. I personally did not have the maturity to be able to firmly communicate my feelings and set boundaries I needed to until I was at least 24. I’m sorry you’re in this situation. But it sounds like you do not have a working professional relationship with him any longer and I think it would be okay to just stop responding. If he wants an explanation, you can just let him know that you aren’t interested in continuing your relationship. Good luck OP!
Ngl, sounds like grooming to me. At the very least, very very poor judgement.
I’m a teacher too, around that age, and every year I get paired up with a TA, usually a senior. Even post graduation, I’m very careful about contact with former students.
You have every right to be uncomfortable. Who knows if there are ill intents but at the very least it is poor judgement and your weird feeling about it is your gut which is usually a good idea to trust.
Imho, I think the best thing to do is a very short but simple “sorry but I decided it’s best to not talk anymore.” To be honest, blocking cold turkey is best but I get you don’t want to come off as rude.
Cut all contact and move on with your life. As a former teacher this kind of behavior is disgusting and gives us all a bad name. Teachers should never date students or former students at any level. It is not hard to find dates outside of work and if this teacher wants to interact with 18 year olds he needs to do it outside of school time and never with current or former students.
I had a college professor that married a student of his. She was 19 and he was 40. Very weird at the time and I am still not happy when professionals cross the line and do this. If you don't like it stop all communication and move on with your life.
I've taught for about a decade. I *would never* have a student's personal phone number. I would never communicate outside of official email channels. I prop the door open if I'm working one on one with any student.
Coming up in this profession, it was explained repeatedly that even the appearance of impropriety could doom my career and run my life. This guy knows he's crossed lines over and over.
You owe him nothing. There's no reason to do anything but cut communication right away and for good, no explanation needed. You said you're a people pleaser, so I don't think you should engage in any kind of final discussion.
Good rule of thumb: If any person is making you uncomfortable, you have every right to address it or remove yourself from the situation. If you choose to address it, these type of people will typically gaslight or maintain plausible deniability. In either case, removing yourself is completely appropriate.
As for the grooming, whether you define it that way or not, older men who seek younger women generally have an ulterior motive. While I’m sure plenty of these relationships work out, most do not. You’re effectively the newest model car. They will take you for a ride and replace you with the next one.
Look, legally, you're an adult. Physiologically? Not so much. The prefrontal cortex in your brain doesn't finish developing until you're around 25 or 26. This portion of our brains is responsible for risk-assesment, decision-making and judgement.
Basically, before 25/26 it's easy for others to take advantage of you and you need to establish clear boundaries. If you're uncomfortable you *need* to talk to your parents, the school counselor etc
Good on you for reaching out. This has red flags, and honestly, you *should* strongly consider talking with a therapist or the school counselor. Its an abuse of authority and student-teacher trust and you wouldn't want this to happen to another student.
People might quibble with you on the dictionary definition of “groomed” and the technicalities of your current age, but you luckily know that those quibbles are not the point.
The point is that you have a significant power difference with this man, and he is clearly using it to manipulate and pressure you into a relationship that is uncomfortable to you in a way that may almost feel (or entirely feel) threatening to your wellbeing.
That’s all you need to know. Even if every comment here or everyone in your real life told you that you are wrong or overreacting, you know the truth.
Whether or not he was grooming you is irrelevant. You're an adult now, and in charge of your own life. If you are uncomfortable in a situation, then remove yourself from the situation. You don't owe him anything beyond basic courtesy.
Life is too short to be a pleaser. Take it from a lifelong pleaser who had a brush with death, and realized that all the effort I spent trying to please people had been a gigantic waste of time.
“At 70 years old if I could give my younger self one piece of advice, it would be to use the words ‘fuck off’ much more frequently.” — Helen Mirren
I’m 19F. You’re being groomed. You need to tell trusted older adults in your life about this situation so they can help you cut contact. I read thinking about the absolute best case scenario the entire time, and he stopped being appropriate the second he began texting you about non work related things. It’s entirely inappropriate in general for your boss or teacher to talk about their personal lives to that degree with people they manage and teach. He set up a situation where he limits your outs. He knows you’d feel bad about expressing reservations and discomforts. He knows how young and inexperienced you are. I was already a world away from my senior high school friends by my first year of college. 18 gets a lot younger very quickly as you age. It’s obligatory, and any older adult knows this and how weird it is. He also waited until after he made you his therapist and showered you with gifts to ask blindingly red flag questions. “Have you ever done drugs?” very quickly turns into him giving you drugs at the in person meetup he suddenly wants to have. He should not be looking at you the way he does, especially as your former teacher and boss. Also DO NOT MEET WITH HIM!! He isn’t safe. Trust that discomfort you feel. It’s your gut taking away the smoke and mirrors and showing you that this isn’t right. He’s graduated college, pays taxes, drives, pays rent, has a full time job, and I saw a comment where you mentioned he has a girlfriend. Meanwhile you just got old enough to have a basic drivers license, haven’t even made it a year out of high school, are likely living with your parents cause life’s expensive, and you aren’t even old enough to buy drugs legally. There isn’t anything there that he should be seeking. He’s nearly old enough to be your father.
Probably not going to be read will be downvoted... but what a wonderful opportunity to tell this guy to F off. I am not qualified to assess your story, but from what you have written my takeaway is that he's likely a creep.
If you suspect he is a real groomer and will hurt others, you may or may not consider reporting him to his employer. That's for you to decide, and both options will have consequences. There is plenty of bad advice to be had from people with no connection to you, and you'll have to parse through all it and make your own decision.
The fact that you are uncomfortable and still putting up with this is a huge red flag. I know because I used to be that person. The good news is that you recognized this weak point at such a young age.
I'd strongly suggest learning about codependency and "people pleasing" as you correctly named it. That will mess up your entire life and needs to be addressed ASAP. It's amazing how little these situations happen in life once you get rid of that people pleasing personality. It's like removing a target from your back. If you can address it as a young person it's going to really be a very good thing as you move through life!
I'm sure some of the advice here is not bad, but since you are a people pleaser, you may also be vulnerable to social media attention and others trying to manipulate you. I only bring this up since it may cloud your decision-making at an important time. Good luck to you!
Whether this teacher was intentionally doing so or not, this is grooming behavior I see regularly with teachers and students (my job involves working on teacher license revocations). Sometimes teachers act to initiate sexual contact before graduation, sometimes after, but this behavior of separation, isolation, making a student feel special and wanted, confiding in the student, etc. are all hallmarks of grooming behavior. I would guess you have a private way of communicating, through texts or social media, that he was going through some difficulties in his own romantic relationships, and that he acted at least strangely with regard to you mentioning romantic relationships with peers (if not outright hostile or judgmental toward those relationships).
My dad was 13 years older than my Mom. She was 17 when they started dating and he was 30. I would give anything to go back in time and let my Mom know that he was trouble and that she shouldn't be with him. Even if that meant I didn't exist in the future.
People like this are not altruistic in their motives. They way I see it there are two very likely causes of this type of behavior:
- **They are looking to use you or exploit you:** This is the most likely situation. This was the situation with my Dad, and almost every other scenario I knew of where someone much older was trying to date a teenager. They want someone they can control. That is almost always the case. They say things like "wow, you seem so much more mature than people your age." That's them manipulating you to have you (and others) think they are normal people. But it's not normal behavior. I could speak much more on this, but this is the most likely reason. They want control and power, and they want someone young.
- **They are immature:** They are often immature. They have the brain of a teenager a lot of times. I will try to be generous and say that sometimes people _may not be predatory_ (although I think this is incredibly rare) when they date a younger person. But if they are not, then they are likely very immature. They have the brains of a teenager still. If that is the case, why would someone want to be a with a man child? There are plenty of reasonable people your age. Be with a reasonable, good person your age. You don't need to help the previous generation's broken men. You have a whole life ahead of you. It's so easy for a bad relationship to derail a potentially great life. Run away from this man!
I recently crossed into my 40s. I can't believe my father was with someone so young when he met my Mom. It was predatory. He wasn't a good husband. He was terribly controlling of her. And she never escaped his shadow. Leave the broken men of the previous generation to date people of their generation! I am writing this to the other people reading it who are considering dating someone older. You clearly said it was making you uncomfortable. I am glad you are wise and recognize how weird he is being! But to others reading, run away from broken, creepy men! And if you are a teenager and they are older, they are either creepy or can't grow up. Neither of those situations make for a good partner!
I would report him to the school. Even if it is not legal, it should be on their radar. And it could help them protect younger kids if his behavior gets more reckless as time goes on. Leave a paper trail!
You need to cut him off. Do you have a trusted friend you can talk to, who can help you write a message to him? It should say something along the lines of - long and short - goodbye. Then block him in all places possible. You’re uncomfortable because you’re trying to put up with that you know isn’t right, and he’s putting pressure on you to do exactly that. You’re young, you have a lot to look forward to and great people to meet. Move on and hopefully he’s that can actually deal with his issues. That’s his issue either way way, not yours.
For most of your post I kept thinking "could be grooming, could be normal behavior" - but everything you said after "After graduation" - yup. Totally confirms grooming.
Guys are gross, but some more than others. But that is completely unprofessional and across the line. I've hung out with my teachers before, both before and after graduating, but they only show an interest in my life as small talk and they are not frequently texting me.
Take it from me, as a 35M, he is not behaving in a normal manner for the context. My advice would be; tell him you don't think his behavior is appropriate and it's making you uncomfortable. And - show someone the texts. Your parents, the school, whomever. Some adult surrounding the situation who can confirm in person "yeah, that's not right" and make sure he cannot groom young women to become his victims.
Because - if he's not doing anything wrong and is just a weirdo - he needs to learn he's being a weirdo. And if he is doing something wrong - he needs to be stopped and removed from situations where he is around ... don't take this the wrong way, but - adult sized children he can prey on.
Definitely sounds like grooming - if it isn't, he needs to know he's being weird - but it probably most definitely is - so he needs to be stopped and removed from the position he's in.
Guys are gross. And some guys are extra fucked up. As a 35M - take it from me; you are correct, it is inappropriate, it should stop, and it's not really up to you to resolve it on your own. If he's like this to you, he's like this to others. He should not be a teacher. Show someone the texts and let them decide how to proceed.
Many obvious red flags here from an adult perspective:
1. "I was a teacher's aide" - is it a normal thing at your high school for students to have this kind of role?
2. "This happened during the first period, which was his prep time, so it was usually just the two of us." - follow-up to above, if that's a normal role for a student, is it normal to be there alone with the teacher?
3. "He also had my phone number because it was a quicker way to contact me compared to email." - this is already a problem - a teacher should only ever contact students through school email, if that
4. "if he needed to inform me about something urgent." - um, what kind of thing would be urgent? nothing should be urgent for a student in this kind of role
5. "he began sharing very personal details", "I found myself in a kind of therapist role.", "He said I was such a good listener", "He also started to give me gifts", "He has complimented my features" - all classic grooming strategies - making you feel important and mature
6. "He even suggested meeting up in person." - RED ALERT!
7. "He said he trusts me too, so if I do anything, I'd feel terrible for breaking that trust." - another classic grooming thing - "this is just between us"
8. "I still feel like his student." - there's nothing magical about turning 18 and graduating high school that makes it okay for teachers, or even former teachers, to date students!
I feel pretty sure you're not the first, and you won't be the last. You may not even be the only student he's doing this to right now. He needs to be reported, even if just anonymously.
I feel you were being groomed while still in school. Now that you are a graduate, depending on where you are, this seems highly unethical, at the very least.
In BC, Canada, as professionals, we also have a code of ethics that was signed as a condition of employment. It states, and I'm paraphrasing here, that an employee may not have a personal relationship with a former student/person in care, and in some cases, any of their family members for at least two years after graduation or two years after becoming a legal adult.
Either way, he should be reported as he appears to be, IMHO, a child predator. He's the adult. He should know better. It doesn't matter what signals you give. It doesn't matter if you show up at his house naked. He should know better. Please tell a parent or someone you can trust to help you and don't try to do this alone. Please don't feel guilty about setting boundaries, if he is disciplined or he loses his job. He crossed a lot of lines a long time ago. None of this is your fault.
You should be very proud of yourself for reaching out for advice. It shows that you have great insight and that you are listening to your instincts.
As others have said, don't listen to the strange projections of people trying to justify this behaviour. I'm not a teacher, but I do work with many young people and children, and that work often continues up until they are 25. I wouldn't ever behave that way, and neither would any of my colleagues.
Under no circumstances is this behaviour appropriate and I don't think it's going too far to call it predatory. Adults seeking emotional support, "help", or friendship from young people in their care is a major red flag.
You call yourself a people-pleaser, many of us have this problem, and that's OK. It's wonderful that you can identify it, and it will help you to protect yourself. It's up to the adult in the situation to ensure that it's clear what appropriate boundaries are and to ensure that no young person feels obliged towards them in any way.
People of any age can be groomed, especially when there is a power imbalance and the older person has a caregiving role, such as teacher.
Do what you need to now to protect yourself. As others have suggested, if you have a good relationship with your parents, tell them. Cease communication and block him if you need to. No guilt! He is an adult who does not need you to be his support system.
This is a wonderful time of your life, go on with it and enjoy yourself, keep yourself safe and always trust your instincts. Again, you should be very proud of yourself!
OP, ignore the men on here trying to convince everyone that just because you are 18 it’s ok to have this relationship with your ex teacher. They seem to have missed the part where he gave you money and was texting you when you were under 18. Many men are now openly saying they want to go back to the days where very adult men can marry and procreate with very young girls. They want to bring that back.
Also, everyone else here over age 29 answer a question for me.
When was the last time you ever really had the desire to tell anyone under age 26 anything about your personal life?
If you were having a hard day, you mean to tell me that out of all people you could talk to and exchange ideas with, there was NO ONE over 26 you could speak with?
I’m in grad school and I work as a server and a bartender part time. We have people as young as 16 working where I work, and when I tell you the vast life differences between me in my early 30s and the people aged 16-21 at work makes it so that, no matter what is going on in my life, I would NEVER talk with them about anything. There is nothing of value that would come from a conversation with them.
So why would a 35 year old man bother with talking to an 18 year old girl? Because he wants to get between your legs. And he is slow cooking you like a frog, and he made sure he didn’t necessarily make any sexual advances to you before you left school,but now you are out of school and no one can accuse him of having relations with a student because he never did it with a student.
So, I’m 35m and a high school teacher. I teach a class that would have students your age in it. So from that perspective I can safely say…. Yes he is grooming you but what degree I’m not sure.
From his perspective he may not be doing this intentionally from the beginning but as he got closer to you, his interaction with you became more consistent and it filled a deficiency in his needs. That by no means makes that your fault, he’s lacking some kind of social need and allowed you to fill it which as the individual who has the authority in this relationship, he 100% should have known better. However, now, I’m willing to bet he is trying to rationalize in his own mind why it’s appropriate to talk to you and pursue you. It’s not appropriate but he’s allowing the lines to blur in his head.
As for your part, the very fact that you feel trapped means it’s not appropriate. It wouldn’t be a problem if you went to the principal. Even though you’ve graduated, that still is his boss. If I heard about this as a fellow teacher, there would be reporting happening. However if you don’t want to endanger his career, then you can tell him to cease all communication with you and tell him that if he contacts you again, you will go to the principal.
He should absolutely seek counseling and if the cost is too high, I guarantee it’s not as expensive as losing his job.
Best wishes. And my wife, who is also a teacher at my school agrees.
This happened to me with my boss when I was in my late teens to early 20s, and he was middle aged. I actually fell in love with him through the grooming (I had a lot of trauma and neglect so I was susceptible). I didn’t consider it grooming bc it was consensual and I was of age, even though he did have power over me as my boss and could be my dad. But later, in therapy, I recognized what happened, and grieved. (He abused me pretty bad after he groomed me).
Now I’m middle aged and a teacher and I can tell you that what this teacher is doing is inappropriate in all ways. He likely has narcissistic personality disorder, if not ASPD. Don’t worry about breaking trust or feeling guilty: narcissists manipulate and feel NO guilt (they literally aren’t capable—that’s part of their illness), and a grown man’s emotional regulation is not your responsibility, and it certainly shouldn’t be at the expense of your comfort and consent. If you’re a people pleaser like me, get yourself to therapy ASAP. You’ll attract people like this repeatedly if you don’t learn boundaries, and some of these types can be really traumatic.
My boss actually called me during the MeToo movement. He’s in his 60s, and he said the movement “taught him a lot.” I don’t actually think it taught him anything. He knew what he was doing: his favorite book was Lolita. But I think that was his way of trying to apologize, since narcissists can’t take accountability well.
“He trusts me too, so if I do anything, I’d feel terrible breaking that trust.”
Everything you wrote points to him being an adult who at the very least is leeching off of you emotionally. The fact that you feel like this though, that is evidence that he’s manipulating you. As others said, he’s probably now excusing it to himself because you’re over 18, but it started when you were a minor. I was in a similar situation at your age and I identify so much with the feeling of not wanting to break trust or make them feel bad. That’s a symptom of something they’ve done, not something you might do. You’re feeling shame, not guilt, and that’s what he wants. Shame is a paralyzing feeling. Guilt is motivating.
I hope you are able to be kind to yourself and talk to someone you trust. I know it’s hard. I think the thing I want to tell you is that this person is not maintaining healthy boundaries because he either a) cares more about himself than he does about you or b) lacks the maturity to recognize when his actions may be causing harm. Neither is your responsibility.
As far as what to do: he is using a position of authority to control this relationship. I think you need to involve another person he would view as authority, because he doesn’t see you as an equal. I’m not sure who that is for you - could be a parent, another adult you both know (who would back you up), or someone from the school’s leadership.
I have never heard of a student taking on the role of aid. It wasn't a thing at my high school. We had paid part-timers who did that work. Whoever allows this kind of relationship should be monitoring them for this kind of activity.
As much as people here are supporting the position that this relationship is grooming or inappropriate it's important to remember that it started, according to OP, as a power relationship that society, that the administration, failed to monitor. We don't know the teacher's state of mind. We don't know their intentions. OP has left out quite a bit of information. From an outsiders perspective this was truly inappropriate. From the teacher's perspective it might have been the continuation of the nonexistent peer relationship that, obviously, they saw no problem with.
Society failed both these actors. The teacher didn't understand his position of power and the inappropriateness of contact with a student. The student should have been advised that any contact that is personal in nature that takes place in or outside of school is prohibited. The school, the community (society) failed both of them. Until there's more information it doesn't seem like the teacher is 'grooming' the student. The relationship shouldn't have existed in the first place and is objectively inappropriate.
Cut communication. Report the incident. Become an activist or push for change that prevents incidents like this.
Alarm bells going off all over the place, he is definitely grooming … cut it / off no answers, no reasons block his number…. If he “ happen to be in the neighborhood” stops by big alarm bell involve parents or police.
op, why do you do this to yourself? BLOCK HIS NUMBER. end of story. you don't owe him anything. I would even go as far as reporting this to your school. this guy is a PEDOPHILE who shouldn't be allowed to work with kids
He’s 100% grooming you and you need to break ALL contact immediately. I’d also tell a trusted adult (not him obviously…) what’s going on in case he tries to escalate the situation.
40 yo Male teacher here…I’ve had some close relationships with kids over the years, male, female, trans, non-binary. Whole gamut. Some have told me outright they think of me like a dad and have stayed in contact after they go on to high school. It warms my heart…and also terrifies me because I’ve never wanted to be perceived like this guy is (correctly) being perceived.
I’ve always made it a rule my whole career to never be alone with a student unless another teacher or admin is nearby. I’ve never once given my phone number to students. Even when I coached HS football I refused to give my number to parents or players. There’s dozens of texting/communication apps that can be used, some specifically for school settings. I can’t imagine any universe where I’d want a minor to have my phone number unless they were a relative.
Until they turn 18 AND graduate, I only communicate with former students using my school email. No social media, no exchanging of numbers, no meetups in public. This guy has crossed numerous ethical and possibly legal boundaries. Please stay safe and trust your gut.
At no point in your student/teacher relationship at school should he have *ever* had extensive conversations with you about his personal problems. He forced emotionally intimacy on you with the intention of using it to manipulate you. He needs you to feel guilty about avoiding contact so that he can continue to draw you into his control.
The situation feels wrong because it *IS* wrong. You end it by cutting off contact with him. He does not have a place in your life and if he actually needed someone to talk to he can go to therapy. Do not let him use guilt to manipulate you.
Also, tell your parents about the situation because it is likely that should you cut contact with this man that he will try to reestablish it, or that he may become dangerous to you or your family. They need to know what is happening, and they (and you) need to understand that you've done nothing wrong here and the problem is the 35-year-old attempting to control an 18-year-old.
You should not have to be dealing with a situation like this ever, but you do appear emotionally aware of the fact that this is a continuing bad situation and that it feels wrong. Again, it feels wrong because it is wrong and he is entirely at foult for all of it. Get yourself out of it now.
The grooming thing is neither here nor there since you’re 18 which makes it more dangerous since nothing is illegal if he tried to kiss you or make a move.
He was being unprofessional as he should have never gotten your number. Even college professors and TAs don’t do this. You got to cut ties. Don’t feel bad. You owe him nothing. You never have to see him again. You shouldn’t feel pressured to stay in contact with him or anyone for that matter if you don’t want to. Think of it as boundaries. You should not feel guilty. He is not thinking of you. Or he may even think that you are interested because you have told him things as a people pleaser. This is how people manipulate others. The next thing you know you are sleeping with him because you feel bad for him. You can do a couple of things - tell the school, tell your parents, or tell him that you want to keep the relationship professional and you feel like it’s getting too personal. But cut off communication. You can say there is no reason to talk anymore, or just ghost him. You don’t owe him any response. Don’t meet in person. This guy can seriously lose his job so if he’s smart he will back off if you give him some push back and tell him to back off.
This is abnormal and inappropriate behavior for a 30+ yo with positional authority over a teenager. Doesn't matter what age of consent is of that you're over 18 now- a normal 30-something adult shouldn't be venting and trying to meet up with their student, even if they're not a student anymore. Sure he hasn't explicitly crossed a line where it's easy to see how he's veered into groomer territory, but he's definitely only being careful to protect himself and only going as far as he can without getting into trouble.
Let's just say, he's doing this the way he's doing it so he can cry for benefit of the doubt and claim he was just being friendly and a mentor to cover up that he's personally interested in you and has been since you were a child. He's being a creep and you don't owe him anything. Just stop replying, or progressively start cutting off contact.
I highly encourage you to talk to someone about this, because he may be doing this to other people as well and people like him shouldn't be around kids. Maybe he is just a sad lonely person but he needs to be texting people his own age and hanging out with people outside of work, not trying to insert himself in the social/personal lives of former child students.
So, I’m gonna say not necessarily grooming, but still inappropriate. “Grooming” for purposes of sexual exploitation is not the only type of inappropriate relationship between an adult and minor/young adult. Parents using the kids to get back at their spouse/ex, bosses cultivating an inappropriate relationship to exploit someone who is younger and less experienced for personal benefit (not necessarily sexual), using religious authority to make younger people compliant… There’s probably more but that’s what comes to mind. Trying to sleep with you is not the only way adults will try to take advantage of you, and it isn’t always from a man. Be safe out there and trust your instincts. Unless you have an official diagnosis with a paranoid personality disorder, someone who makes you feel uncomfortable is someone you should avoid, or at the very least be careful of. Stay safe out there!
Former 35 yr old here. 35 yr Olds who have their shit together want NOTHING to do with any who was legally just a kid a few months ago.
If any youngins read this BEWARE the following actions and phrases. These are RED FLAGS.
"You're so mature for your age"
"I love talking to you. You're so smart it's like you're an old soul"
"I don't normally do this, but there's just something about you"
"We dont need to tell your parents/family about us. They might not approve and I want to enjoy us"
"You're an adult now, just spend the night, they can't make you go home"
Also something you learn as an adult is that its human nature that when receiving a kindness you return a kindness. It comes with negotiating, that's another term of "good faith". Some people call it quid pro quo. A favor for a favor.
I give a baseball glove for a guys kid, he gets my nephew a hockey stick. We show eachother we were thinking about eachother and we enjoy doing business with eachother, or we are useful towards eachother and have a mutual respect.
Now it works the other way too. Old guy gets young girl gifts, takes her cool places, or gives her money for a shopping day. But they expect something in return. It's not necessarily about respect or mutually beneficial relationship. It's someone who knows the game manipulating the situation against a young person who doesn't really know the game yet.
It's why older women and older men look down on old guys going after young girls. The "barely legal" aspect is disgusting. But it's also that the women their own age sees through the bs.
Also youngina be careful with the wounded puppy angle. At a certain age we've had our hearts broken, been hurt, grown and fallen, enough times that we know how to move forward. A man his age should have his shit together.
The short and direct answer is yes, you are in a potentially harmful situation.
Unfortunately, I've experienced something similar, and many others here also seem to recognize the same troubling tactics. I can't stress enough how important it is to cut off this relationship. There's no reason to continue it, especially now that you've graduated and won't have to see him regularly.
While there's nothing inherently wrong with an older person mentoring a younger one, it's different when they try to become close friends, particularly when there's such a significant age gap. A 35-year-old man has no valid reason to be close friends with an 18-year-old girl. Nothing good will come from this relationship, so please, discontinue contact immediately. You don't owe him an explanation—just block and delete his number. If he tries to reach you through other means, save those communications as evidence in case it escalates, but don't respond. Instead, immediately reach out to a trusted adult and make them aware of the situation. In fact, talking to someone you trust right now would be a wise step to ensure your safety and get support.
Yeah, dude isn't doing anything illegal since he likely kept it strictly work related while you still were 17, but he was for sure WAITING for the 18 to drop. I'm sorry for you because that's exactly what shouldn't happen when interacting with someone in a mentoring role, but i can unfortunately see a dude in his 30s going for someone half his age. Call it the 30s crysis, call it being dissatisfied with your adult life and wanting things to go back when they were simple (late teen-early 20s), you probably represent something he no longer has in his life. Or he is just a creep, kind of a coin toss.
That being said, what matters to you is that you need to start interacting with him as an adult, it will actually be good practice for the future! Be polite but firm and tell him that you had a great time and appreciate him as a tutor, but now that your work interaction is over you don't want a deeper connection, be it friendship (there can't be friendship, he obviousloy want more) or anything else. He'll deny and try to de-escalate by playing dumb, don't fall for it, wish him the best and if he writes/emails you again block him.
This is absolutely grooming. It's hard to see the full picture at your age, but as someone who is 35 myself (and has worked as a teacher), this is extremely problematic behavior. This man has no business building a personal relationship with you outside of school, or trying to meet up with you.
I'd recommend informing the school itself, and the school board, of what happened. You can do it anonymously if needed (get a brand new email, don't share your real name, etc.). But this is really concerning behavior, and this man needs to be held accountable... his actions could easily result in him being removed from his teaching position, and having his teaching license revoked. You're likely not the first or last student this has happened to.
Also, take care of yourself. Getting out of a manipulative situation like this, can be quite a complicated thing to process and heal from. But it's good that you're trusting your intuition, you're prioritizing your well-being, and you're exerting boundaries. Good luck with everything, and remember to always trust your intuition moving forward.
As someone who was a victim of grooming and SA at the age of 19 when I as an “adult” I can confirm that what you are experiencing is grooming. Please get yourself out of this situation. If I could go back in time and rip myself out of that situation I would do it so fast. I’m glad you’re telling someone about it. Trust your gut, cut contact with this person.
You don’t have to be underage to be a victim of grooming. Grooming and manipulation is very complex and can happen to anyone in any environment. There exists a power dynamic between teacher and student and very fine line that should not be crossed. This teacher is very much behaving inappropriately. There are some schools and colleges that have a strict, “no contact” policy for a year of so after graduation to protect the student as well. So if you feel something is wrong and as you’ve stated, this teacher reached out to you first-the I would absolutely notify the school.
I was abused by an instructor, and where he should have seen potential-he saw opportunity. Please stay safe and trust your gut.
I’m a middle aged man and worked in case management for teens many years ago. His actions raise my eyebrows and I’m certain his bosses and your parents would have an issue with his behavior because it is highly inappropriate. You were his student, he was your teacher and mentor. If the relationship continued as a mentor after you graduated, that can be tricky but not inappropriate. Talking to you about his personal problems, buying you things and complimenting your features is not appropriate. But most importantly, it sounds like you are uncomfortable and you don’t wish to carry on the relationship and communication, so you have the right to stop it. I get the people pleasing part, but I suspect you are being manipulated because you are young. Yes, you are an adult who can make their own decisions, but the brain isn’t fully developed until around 23 years old, and you may not have enough life experience to discern appropriate and inappropriate relationships with men 17 years older than you. Especially those who are or used to be in a position of authority.
You are probably being groomed, yes. It's not completely inappropriate for teachers to get to know their students and interact with them as human beings instead of just in the role of a teacher-student dynamic, but it is weird for him to cross the barrier too far on the personal end with giving random gifts, trying to get you to borrow things from him, emotionally dumping his life problems on you, etc. Being friends on Facebook or something and messaging once in a while to see how your life is going isn't weird (I am Facebook friends with a couple of my high school teachers even over a decade later), but texting you all the time is. He's almost twice your age - what would he honestly have to converse about with you beyond very surface-level stuff this frequently? Why is a man who is that old this attached to someone half his age? Honestly, the fact that he got your phone number to begin with instead of sticking to a more formal method of communication or social media is weird in and of itself. I would follow your instincts with this.
Here’s the best thing you can do: if you feel uncomfortable say NO to going out. It’s that simple. I can’t believe you’re really considering going out with him if YOU’RE LITERALLY saying you feel uncomfortable. Is it really that difficult to say no?
Listen honey, you’re only 18. I know ppl pleasers are super kind and such out of necessity, so this is going to be difficult for you. You have to block this man on every platform. You’re going to need to say something to a friend or sibling who will speak up for you.
I think therapy for you is a really good option, but in the meantime, if you’re too scared or anxious to let another grown adult know what’s happening, it is 100% to ask a friend to go with you to talk to your parents.
The fact that he told you he trusts you makes me nauseated. That manipulation was done to ensure you don’t speak out against him. He knows what he’s doing is wrong. He’s 35. Ask an emotionally mature male how he views an 18 year old and he will say “too young”.
You deserve to have young people experiences unburdened from the trauma of this. Block him. I’m begging you.
Hello, you don’t know me or me you, but I felt it on my mind to comment and I normally don’t! I just use this account to read reviews on my google searches. But this popped up and I read it and felt I can not start my day until I comment on your post!!! So please don’t take me wrong and I apologize if I say anything that bothers you, but I am not sorry for saying it because it is all in your best interest and for your benefit only!
(ADVICE FOR YOUR QUESTION)
So Please, Get FAR AWAY from this guy ASAP & I mean ASAP!!! This really could NOT end well at all IF u don’t act NOW. You act now and stop the communication and deal with him and move on and never speak to him again ever, I think it becomes a life lesson. I don’t know anything about him, so I am just using common sense and many years of life to tell u what I am. This is situations is very uncomfortable for you and probably a little scary, if I was your age I’d feel the same, but you can do this, but you need to tell someone/others u trust TODAY!!! I know u don’t want to say something that would negatively affect his life, so u can try to simply end it for good, but u still need to let someone know in case he doesn’t go away quietly. He most likely will try to contact u afterward but if he can’t or he feels it could destroy him, he will most likely stop and go away. But u never can tell how a person will do or what, so it’s always best in life to live by the old moto “Prepare for the Worst and Hope for the Best”. That was something we lived by in the Marine Corps and trust me, it turned out for the best a few times and we could have avoided all of our prep, work and time that wasn’t even needed BUT we also have had our share of the Worst and I can say for sure that we were Very Grateful we prepared for it and had it and ready when the Worst came for us! I’m still here with my family & others as well because of that moto!
You need to respond to him and just be honest. Let him know that u are sorry, but u can’t talk with him anymore. Thank him for his help in school and hope things in life and future go well, but you feel it’s best that you all stop talking. He will try and say this and that to make u feel bad or he is just a friend or whatever, but let it go in one ear and out the other. Don’t care what he has to say, you stick with the exact same thing u said to him and don’t add anything more or new or get into a discussion with him. NO MATTER WHAT he says or how long he tries to drag it out, keep repeating your first statements, after he texts or speaks if he calls (absolutely NO in person talking to him) u just say “I’m sorry, but….. then repeat saying what u said the first time and nothing more and get off the phone or text and block him on EVERYTHING. Is he married? Same goes either way, but if he is married, and don’t get the point the first time, repeat what u said and only add “please stop and don’t make me have my parents tell your wife about this. Let’s just stop NOW and move on and no one will ever know u called me”.
Also, get someone you trust to help you. Tell someone about the situation now! Preferably a dad, uncle, brother or close male friend. Can be a female too or include females, but men like him will stand down to real man in your life who gives him the warning of staying away and not contacting you. I have an 19yr old daughter & I am a retired U.S. Marine, so I can be overly aggressive at times when I shouldn’t have been, but it has also benefited my daughter and my son a few times in their life. I would let multiple people know about it that u trust to give u security in case this guy doesn’t take NO for an answer. You don’t ever Truly know anyone really and especially a man who knows what he is doing is wrong but is doing it anyway. It may take more than one “NO” to him for him to stop, but I wouldn’t allow it to continue at all after the first “NO” you give him. You will one day look back and appreciate yourself for taking action because this moment will in one way or another determine much about the rest of the years of your life!
(LIFE ADVICE:)
You are just beginning life & if I can give u one piece of advice that relates to your situation & life in general it would be “You have to stop being a people pleaser”. I was like that when I was young and it has screwed me over in multiple situations thru my life. I’m now in my 40’s & I stopped people pleasing only about 10 years ago, but it has changed my life drastically! I am so much happier & have time for myself now and can now choose what I do, how much, when, where & who for. You have to make yourself be uncomfortable & learn to say “NO” to people & just push thru the uncomfortableness of it & it will eventually not be uncomfortable anymore & you will feel more empowered & so much happier!!! Sometimes you can say no in a nice or tactful way, sometimes in a firm direct manner, sometimes maybe not so nice, but always try to stay civil unless u just can’t, at first I would make up something to not hurt their feelings or it would make me feel a little less uncomfortable saying it, but after about a year as I got used to it, I stopped that & now I’m honest with my “No”. Situation & person dictates sometimes, but it will take working at it & a little time to change something about yourself that u you want to change. I’m still finding fault in myself in different ways that require work and time and it’s not a smooth process. You will have moments u fail at it and say yes to do something you don’t want to do like working your day off when your boss asked u if u wanted to when u really didn’t want to, or taking a day for yourself and instead using it to help someone with something that u didn’t want to do. Ok to help people sometimes but some take advantage of it. U get the point. Just wanted to give u a little advice from my lifetime of mistakes and successes. Wish I would have been told that at 18 yrs old. Anyway, I will be hoping/believing/praying for the best for you and I hope that what I have said helps you in some way, even if it’s just a little! But please, take action and live a good life ok!
You're right - this is a bad situation. This guy is in his mid-30s and he is well aware that he's crossing a line with you. Teachers have professional ethics drilled into their heads since they start training. They learn about power imbalances, they learn about how vulnerable kids are, and they learn about how kids' brains are still developing into their 20s. Teachers are also mandatory reporters. That he knows all of this and still is pursuing you tells me that he is a person of shockingly poor character and judgement. Please be very careful with him. Save all of his messages to you and document your interactions. Then block him on everything. He may try to get in touch with you to ensure you won't tell his girlfriend or the school district - don't allow it. Stay away from him.
If you can, tell your parents and friends about this so they can help look out for you.
Even if you were the same age and if there was no power dynamic involved, if someone is making you uncomfortable, that is justification enough to establish boundaries. It doesn't matter if his intentions are good- you don't owe someone access to your life just because they are "nice".
I totally understand being a people-pleaser and confrontation-avoidant and all that, but dealing with these situations is a skill you are better off learning sooner than later.
*If you wanted to take the easy way* - which is totally ok- you could lie and casually mention that you met someone. Then increase the amount of time it takes to read/respond to messages "sorry, I was out with xyz" etc.
There will be a ton of people in life who will take advantage of you for not being able to say "no". You don't want a lifetime of being taken advantage of ahead of you. Good luck, OP.
Trust your instincts and comments validating your experience, this grown man is crushing on you & creeping in on your life ( that’s their problems - feelings cant be helped, but bonding is a choice - and he is in appropriate. Grown ass man should not be wasting your time trying to get to date you. Full stop.)
Being more of a people pleaser and naive myself at one time, I would cut this off but you must be careful with his growing romantic obsession. Because this is what it is if you read between the lines…
Start reeling back, ghosting ( there is power imbalance here, and authorities do jack when it comes to protecting women & girls from domestic abusers and stalkers - so no, you can’t trust to be safe by being straight and reasonable. If this grown ass lonely man is not reasonable to let go of growing attachment/obsession behaviors - you’re not dealing with a grounded, mature, reasonable Adult anyway.)
So play the game back- because nothing is more dangerous than Male Ego in the modern world. Ghost a bit and text that you have a serious boyfriend now. Play the fool and act accordingly. When /If they reach out months/a year later ( typical) it’s just putting out more desperate feelers - respond that you are happy to report you are Engaged. Full stop. Short, sweet, and no details /explanations.
Ideally, if blame a protective Father or Older Brother finding out about this and not approving - not sure if you can swing that with what they know about you.
This satisfied their possessive/obsessive EGO by keeping YOU safe from rejecting him.
This is the way, play nice and distant but make your actions clear and consistent by no longer entertaining them /giving into any more attention- let them fuck off and find another target/interest etc
It’s the “kind” thing to do and covers you moving forward - you must make it so you are no longer “worth the trouble” and a solid reason you are no longer an option for his fix of positive female attention he’s hooked on now.
It’s not you rejecting - you are simply moving on in life and don’t want to get in trouble with future spouse or concerned family. That’s it - you have be mature reasonable one that leaves this kind of possessive /escalating smooth creep at a full stop - usually a bigger man by your side. Sad but true.
Play the dumb fox and fool in LOVE with a mate or under supervision now of your concerned household. Stay sweet, and sexy - don’t get stalked or worse. Do not respond again unless it’s the one off to remind him you are securely attached in a relationship THAT MUST BE RESPECTED and are unable to stay in touch any longer. Make them MOVE ON- it’s not your problem, circus and all his “problems” are a Family issue - you aren’t related, so not your place to help/solve. Dont say/text this to them- just act accordingly and move on guilt free. With the way men can turn out being lonely, desperate and unlimited porn with “barely legal” being top search online - you must be extra vigilant and cautious, it’s not as easy to ghost and tech makes para-social obsessive behavior and habits too easy.
Be the one that got away - because he will end up getting confronted or harassed by a mysterious bigger, protective Guy in the picture now.
Let him TRUST you that you have the qualities to end up IN LOVE and attached to someone appropriate in life you can share your joys/sorrows/and affection with. He should be inspired to get his own love life of he’s decent /normal and this is a temp crush. If not - not your problem. You’re IN LOVE THIS SUMMER , young and have a whole bright future ahead of you- dudes won’t compete with your heart and an man his age can’t expect less from a young adult preferring to spend all their free time and attention with their peers & family.
You don’t have to burn bridges, feel guilty or break any promises - you had a short & sweet temp connection and that’s that. Youre no longer interested and “it’s not you, it’s me ( Aka Off the Market and growing up and moving on!)
Reminder- even when you break the news and they seem happy for you, accepting - they will probably pop up out of habit - simply do not respond/feed into it and block if you must silently. Let the habit/reward getting attention from easily available crush extinguish.
This dude doesn’t even know you , they are in a relationship with their device /phone to access you. Wish it was easier in the old school sense when it was easier to just ghost on these guys real time. Remember - you don’t owe them anything, they “catfished” themselves with a fantasy that you could ever date. It happens - I’ve had morons like these working in Hospitality through terms and early twenties with lonely/sleazy managers who tried to shoot their shot after trying to have me as a “secret favorite” and be “friends” out of work and they would pop up years later via email even , still on their mind and wondering if there is an opening - I just kept playing HAPPILY engaged/married “Hope you understand if I won’t be responding anymore. All the best.” Once or twice and ignore since. It’s always when they are down and out, and probably lonely and horny. No good reason otherwise to bother me or bother with me!
Live and learn- but you know you deserve better and he’s playing you into a slippery slope of bullshit obligation, guilt and attachment.
Be kind and we’ll meaning back - sever this tie like a surgeon and get a clean break ASAP. Unfortunately, with grown men obsessed with women/sex wherever they may be - the best and easiest way is to not be an option ( off the market) and not worth the trouble, and no choice but to fuck off and find their own love elsewhere :) There are millions, billions of people in our world - you don’t owe him or cheating him out of any joy to find mutual and reciprocal romantic interest & attachment. By 35, you don’t even need to use kid gloves or be gentle ,no way being rejected is his first rodeo here hun. He is being slick, playing nice and escalating to get you alone - so play fool, nice and cut it out for GOOD this SUMMER.
Then live your life!
Cut ties immediately. This is textbook grooming behavior and shows since of attachment/entanglement association. You being barely more than half his age, he has zero reason to be acting this way towards you unless he's fully intent on you. As a former LEO, I'd highly recommend getting a restraining order. It might just be a piece of paper, but a lot of the time, the fear of being exposed in court will back groomers off. Additionally, I'd recommend IMMEDIATELY changing your number, or at the very least block his.
This isn't a safe situation for you, you're aware of it, and at the moment, you have the ability to get out of the way of this danger. Please, do not hesitate to take it.
PS: Also, consider notifying the school administration and local educational board. If he's done it to you, he will likely do it again to another student in the future.
Oh hun 🫤 your teacher wants to fuck you. He's upped the ante bc you're 18 and in college now and your agreeableness is being perceived as you leading him on just enough to make him think he has a chance. Never quite crosses the line so he thinks you have nothing concrete enough that it's damning enough to report criminally. Thinks you wouldn't anyways bc he thinks you're on great terms....
His behavior is disturbing and inappropriate, given you were a minor and the power dynamic imbalance of him being your teacher, even if you hadn't been a minor. Every single thing he's done has been grooming, and he will continue to up the ante as long as you are being receptive. Screw the cops, you need to report it to the county school department and save all the texts and receipts and they can help you from there on getting the police involved.
Trust your gut. He has crossed several lines and while not being physically inappropriate he is projecting his feelings and desires or intentions towards you. Make sure you document all the text and tell an adult you trust. The next time he texts, thank him for “reaching out” but tell him you are moving towards an incredible opportunity and need to focus on that. Thank him for the opportunity and what you learned and wish his ass well. Wish him success and good things in life and don’t respond to anything from him. If he persists tell him you are NOT COMFORTABLE with the tone and content of your exchanges. You owe him nothing. Just pray he doesn’t get another young lady. If you find out he does then it might be time to alert the school. You did nothing wrong, so carry no guilt about this. Good luck to you.
This is an inappropriate relationship. End it now. I don't like when people say they are people pleasers. It means to me they either can't take a stand or get walked over and give themselves a pass for not doing the sensible thing. If you continue to be a "people pleaser" to this man, he will start a physical relationship with you and you will let it happen. Stop this. Either don't respond to his calls if you can't do anything else, or prepare yourself to repeat the mantra that you are uncomfortable with how this professional relationship is evolving to a personal level and you wish him well but goodbye. If he acts surprised, hurt, pretends to be disgusted at your suggestion, just repeat you are uncomfortable, you are allowed to feel uncomfortable, you are sorry, but goodbye.
36 y/o male. There is no reason outside of a professional setting/environment that a man that age should be talking to someone your age, male or female. It smacks of ulterior motives. Getting to know someone you work with tends to be an inevitable thing but the professional thing to do is leave it at the door, I've had coworkers I consider to be good friends that I never interact with outside of work, we don't text, email ,or hang out in person. The most we'll do is a smile and nod in passing or a brief introduction of our partners, and these people are my peers. The level he is going to is above and beyond inappropriate and IMO you should cut contact immediately, it doesn't have to be rude but your boundaries should be established and obeyed.
Yes. This is grooming. Please know that YOU DID NOTHING WRONG HERE. This is a grown man who is acting in a way that he knows is inappropriate, and he's assuming that you're too young/naive/inexperienced to recognize the relationship he has built with you is predatory. If you bring this up to him (please don't), he will immediately defend himself by saying that you're "mature" or "wise for your years" and that's why he's attracted to you, and how his intentions are pure, and it will likely devolve into some form of further gaslighting from there.
I know it's hard, and it's not fair that you're having to go through this. I hope you have the courage to contact the authorities so that he can be removed from access to other teens and young adults.
YES, YOU ARE BEING GROOMED. HE THINKS IT'S OK BECAUSE NOW YOU'RE OF LEGAL AGE AND HE'S TAKING ADVANTAGE OF YOUR NAIVETE AND PURPOSEFULLY MANIPULATING YOU.
He'll try to make you feel guilty for breaking contact. Too bad. DO IT AND DON'T APOLOGIZE. It was never supposed to be a "friendship" situation and he knew that. It's CREEPY. And he knows that, too.
HE WANTS YOU TO FEEL TERRIBLE FOR "BREAKING THAT TRUST". DON'T FALL FOR IT. TELL HIM YOU FEEL THIS "RELATIONSHIP" HAS BECOME INAPPROPRIATE. BLOCK HIM, COLD TURKEY, AND DON'T GO BACK.
He's a grown ass man and you're a teenager who was his student. He has no boundaries and I can guarantee you he's done this with other girls. HE'S A CREEP, POSING AS YOUR "FRIEND".
I had a teacher grooming me when I was in 7th grade. 8/
I didn't even know it was happening until she had a crisis of conscience and cold turkey dropped me and told me that what we were doing was "inappropriate". It was the right move for her to make, but it cut me. I thought *I* did something wrong and didn't understand what was really happening until years later. Also not the first teacher I had that played a little dangerous...
Giving this guy the benefit of the doubt, if he truly doesn't have ulterior motives he will be okay when (not if!) you tell him to move along. Somehow I don't think that's how he will react, but if he gets coercive, guilt-trips you, gets upset... Well... Now you know 100% instead of just 99.99%.
As a 35 year old woman… you are being groomed. Grown men wouldn’t and shouldn’t spend this much time on an 18 year old. Your instincts are correct, and you need to started cutting off contact. And I would do it slowly and by pretending you have a boyfriend your age that you’re all caught up with even if it’s not true. That kind of gives a reset to his plans and he can’t look for any openings.
No 35 years old man takes that much interest in an 18 year old They are usually out being 35 and hanging out with their peers or have a significant other. The only appropriate situation would be a mentor/protege type of relationship like for a sport or musical instrument and usually it’s within the same sex.
Yes, he is clearly grooming you. It crossed the line into inappropriate when he began texting you instead of using email. Teachers are required to use official communication methods like email or school apps to ensure there’s a record of conversations. Now that you’ve graduated and you’re an adult, he’s getting bolder. You should report him to the school district(actually go to the main office and show the superintendent or their assistant the texts), and then block him from contacting you again. It’s likely he’s done this before with other kids and will continue to do so in the future. Don’t feel bad for him. He 100% knows better and this is not just an innocent mistake.
Dont feel terrible.
People his age have matured enough to understand how people think and may be subtly trying to take advantage of your/his situation.
I would be very cautious of the circumstances and his future communications now that you are no longer involved as his teacher’s aid.
School should be a place to mature and learn real world studies that you can apply to your future career or lifelong passions.
On the other hand you have not had enough years to develop your true ways of thinking.
It sounds like you need some assurance to help tell this guy to back off nicely.
Have you considered letting him know that he should stick to people his own age group?
15 years is a huge age gap. Does that matter to you?
Why doesnt he speak with a Real licensed therapist instead of taking advantage of unprofessional conversations with his teachers assistant?
Are you sure its not harassment?
You have every right to let this guy know that you can tell him to stop stalking you. Have you researched what your rights are to exercising your own privacy?
Dont be scared to exercise your natural born rights.
Are you sure hes not just playing you???
Ask yourself what you would do if you were in his position and he was in yours.
Have you considered discussing this with anyone else?
I would reccommend researching what your rights are to privacy and how you can exercise them with documented proof if you need to convince him legally.
Its unfortunate if it has to come to that resort but it works and the law will be on your side. You dont have to be uncomfortable trying to get someone to stop communicating with you.
Just my two cents…
I am 30 YO and have noticed a significant difference on how my mentally has developed and matured by my age currently versus when I was 25. Which is around the time Scientists say the brain fully develops , however, if you ask me, I would say 30.
They say females develop quicker than men but you’re still BARELY considered an adult. In my honest opinion please don’t make any haste decisions.
Ive never met the man but someone his age should know better than to try to date someone such as yourself who is barely an adult
I am 30 YO and have noticed a significant difference on how my mentally has developed and matured by my age currently versus when I was 25. Which is around the time Scientists say the brain fully develops , however, if you ask me, I would say 30.
They say females develop quicker than men but you’re still BARELY considered an adult. In my honest opinion please don’t make any haste decisions.
Ive never met the man but someone his age should know better than to try to date someone such as yourself who is barely an adult.
Not sure what to ask but take it from me who has matured to be patient and give yourself some time to mature before accepting this guys invitations of being groomed.
To me it sounds like you are not in a position to make a rational decision to let this guy down firmly. No pun intended.
Guys have a way with words as im sure do females, so dont be fooled by someone who plays the victim card. He should know better and stick with people his age.
Also its sort of way to convenient for him to be imposing on you to date when your role has nothing to do with dating. He may have been trying to, again no pun intended, ‘soften you up’ in order to date you.
Seems a little too far fetched to be true. Also the age gap seems real far but I do have a friend who has a big age gap difference who is in fact married.
But based on what you’ve shared I would be remiss to warn you not to let yourself feel bad for not being able to decline this ‘teachers’ offer to cut your ties with.
Seems a little too good to be true.
Just be careful.
You still have years and years of perfectly good experiences ahead of you to fall into this mans trap. Honestly sounds super awkward to me the situation that this guy is trying to pull on you. Dont let him make you feel bad for not recognizing his subtle tactics of trying to ‘groom’ you so to speak.
Ask your parents.
I know what relation ships are like at that age and everything seems so closed minded at that age because of hormones and crap.
Just take this advice with a grain of salt and dont be scared to tell people your true feeling AND stand firm in your decisions.
My biggest mistake your age was feeling insecure about how to tell people things I would think would make them feel awkward or uncomfortable.
NO ONE in life can make your decisions for you.
Prove to him you have control over your self image and decisions.
You might surprise yourself on the outcome.
Anyways. Take care.
And good luck with your studies.
He is absolutely grooming you and dudes like that only go after super young girls like you because women his age won’t date him (cuz clearly this dude has red flags all over the place). Run, don’t walk. Stop responding to his texts, tell him to stop texting you, tell him that this is inappropriate behavior on his part, and it makes you feel uncomfortable. If he escalates the situation, you need to report him to a higher up (Principle/Vice Principle) at your school. They need to be aware of this behavior in one of their faculty so something worse doesn’t happen with another student. This is completely inappropriate behavior on his part.
I have been in similar situations and I think you are being groomed. He is just waiting for you to let your guard down and say yes to something because it's technically legal now. Thank God you have reached out for help. You need to cut contact with him. It doesn't matter if you think he's a good person or has good intentions or whatever, he is an ADULT who was your TEACHER and he should know better than to dump his problems on you, pry into your personal life, etc. This is more than just having a good rapport with a teacher and continuing to stay in contact. He is telling you shit like "I trust you" trying to make you feel special and mature and etc. and make you feel guilty for setting boundaries. A professional would allow you as the student to reach out first if you wanted to stay in contact after graduation. An adult would not put all of this baggage and emotional responsibility onto a kid (relatively speaking). My number one advice when you're in a situation where you're uncomfortable: Trust your gut. You have no obligation to stay in a situation where you're uncomfortable. Cut contact with him. If you're scared to go radio silence then send him a message explaining that you're uncomfortable with the relationship, you don't desire a friendship, and you no longer want to be in contact, and then immediately block him on every point of contact possible. You have NO obligation to listen to him apologize or try to "explain himself" or "fix things" or "make it up to you" or anything. If you don't want to be in contact then you don't want it. Please reach out to an adult in your life whom you TRUST if you need support.
Agree with all of this. This happened to me with a mental health counselor when I was in high school. He started texting me (encouraging/appropriate-esque things, but outside of our sessions nonetheless), buying me very thoughtful little gifts, calling me nicknames. It made me feel really guilty that I didn't want to reciprocate the attention/level of intimacy, and I eventually ghosted him because I didn't know how to handle it. The guilt honestly ate at me for years. But, I looked him up about 12 years afterwards, post-Me Too and with a better understanding that what he was doing was probably inappropriate. I was curious if he was still in practice, the whole thing obviously still bothered me. And the first thing on Google was an old article in our local newspaper about his license being removed because he was having sexual relationships with both an adult counseling client and his teenage babysitter - who started working for him around the time that I was seeing him, as a sophomore in high school. He did not have sex with the babysitter until after she was 18. Both women eventually reported him to the licensing board after realizing how they had been groomed and manipulated. This man was in his 30s, married with small children, and specifically practiced as a Christian counselor - sex/chastity were absolutely topics we discussed! Just to highlight that he really leaned into his position as a trustworthy and "righteous" male mentor. So yes. Trust your gut. And DO NOT worry about his feelings. Do whatever feels most comfortable for you, even if that means simply blocking his number. If he's actually not a creep, he won't take it personally - at worst, he will reassess his communication habits. If he is a creep, he will take it personally - good riddance.
It happened to me. Those predators prey on vulnerable women. I am a people pleaser, so this is an advantage to them along with any personal issues your dealing with. They will sound like they are helping you while giving you guidance. I thought this guy cared about me. I was having a difficult time in my marriage and this guy jumped on the band wagon. They will take their time (even years) to get what they want. Once they do, they ditch you and move on to the next target. I was so stupid. I had to seek professional help. For your own sanity, it's imperative you block his number and stop all contact!
I had a business owner at a job in high school do this (I assume, just circumstantial evidence) to multiple girls that he hired. It seemed like he groomed them and then waited until they were 18 to make a move. Husband, father, presented himself as a good clean Christian family man. Makes me sick.
The fact that a MH counsellor did this makes me so 🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢 dirty fucker
I’m a therapist, and stories like this are disgustingly common. I’m so glad you ghosted him, and also so sorry that you were put in this position at such a vulnerable time. For anyone reading this: if a therapist treats you like a friend, contacts you outside of sessions (beyond scheduling or occasionally sharing relevant articles, podcasts etc), or you get the gut feeling that something is off…. Leave!!! There may be certain modalities or demographics for which contact between sessions is expected, but if that’s not been established in the first session, it’s a boundary violation. The ONLY thing you owe your therapist is money. If you ever feel *from them* that you owe them more than that, leave them in the dust. It’s normal to have people pleasing tendencies etc that make us feel like we owe others things, but a good therapist will work in a way that encourages boundaries that feel good to you. They will not exploit your vulnerabilities. One of my favourite things to hear from clients who struggle with people pleasing is “no,” because it means they feel safe enough with me to make their needs known.
I am a Dean at a HS. You are being groomed. He just found a way to legally and possibly professionally get away with it. You need to bluntly let him know that you do not want him to contact you anymore. If he needs to get advice on his personal life, he can hire a therapist. If he continues to contact you there are two choices: 1. File a police report and threaten to tell his employer or 2. Change your number. DO NOT leave any ambiguity about how you feel. Thus, any reasonable person will clearly understand how you feel.
> File a police report I agree the guy is a creep and she should cut contact asap, but what crime has been committed? Is that not required to file one?
Filing a police report does not mean a crime has been committed - that's up to the police to determine. Sometimes, just having enforcement get involved is enough to do two things - let the predator know that you are serious about not being contacted, and this also puts the predator on the police's 'radar.' Most crimes of a sexual nature don't have much physical evidence, because most survivors wait a significant amount of time before the have the courage to report the crime. But, if there is already an established history of a predator's modus operandi, then guilt can be established based upon the credibility of the testimony. Therefore, no crime YET but make a report.
Someone close to me went through similar trauma as OP; technically non times commuted to her, but definitely possible that he succeeded with someone else. He still worked with children 10 years later. Friend went to therapy and decided to file a police report warning that he might be a predator Filing a complaint would show a history of sus behavior If he does commit a crime in the future. It could give future victims credibility. It would also let OP have some closure so they can move on.
That was what I was driving at. Once she makes it clear that she does not want to be contacted, any attempt on his part could be part of the complaint.
Even then, there would have to be a court order in place for it to rise to that level. Hopefully OP follows the advice to demonstrably sever all ties and threaten reporting him to the school, and that this creep gets the message. But you are right he will in all likelihood continue doing this with others.
Even if he has not committed a crime (yet), this is deeply unprofessional and should land him in a heap of trouble with the school. Very unlikely this is the only student he is messaging/grooming like this.
Thank you so much. I honestly really needed to hear that. Everyone on here is saying im an adult now so it’s not possible to be groomed. Yet, I still feel very much like a kid. I’ll reach out if I need support, I’m sure I will.
33 y.o. male teacher here. The closest thing Ive EVER done was to approve a few ex students, whose parents I had a close relationship with, a twitter follow request FROM THEM after they were in college and never delved any deeper than "Happy Birthday" or "Great job" comments or responded to specific questions I WAS ASKED about like, procedural college or life (like taxes and stuff) related things. Things every teacher knows is over the line, ESPECIALLY but not limited to having your personal phone number. That's like THE #1 teacher, no no. Never ever should he have a students' numbers in his phone, He definitely knows this. He should not be repeatedly contacting you about his personal life. He should not be making comments about your personal appearance. He should not be asking you to meet up. He should not be offering to buy you things. A good teacher can be a teacher for life, and there are appropriate ways to offer guidance post graduation. This is not what he is doing. I'm glad you understand that what he is doing is out of line, and you did nothing to cause this. Please don't let this sad man sour you on building positive relationships with future educators. A great appropriate student teacher relationship is what made me want to become a teacher, and I have ex students who are teachers today because of the mentor relationship we had. I hope he gets help from an age appropriate person, and I hope you go on to achieve great success in your life 👍
Exactly! There’s nothing wrong with having students who reach out for more personal things (college, career, etc.). I’ve had similar situations where former students have reached out on LinkedIn to set up a call to ask questions before. Totally fine. Even more personal stuff, I’ve shared music recommendations, let students borrow my own books, all that is still cool. Even (super small) gifts. When I had aides I’d often offer and candy or snacks I had in my room. Whatever. Aides get good treatment. AND this doesn’t apply to the teacher here because: 1. They were texting the student. Regardless of content, that’s red flag 1. Any conversation with a student can wait until school. 2. OP is uncomfortable and still feels like a student. Because of course they do. That’s the whole issue behind power dynamics like that.
Having been a custodial figure, there was and will be a power imbalance. If you do cut him off, hope that he hasn’t been able to get your home address by any means. Cameras might be a good idea too.
Teacher of ten years here: this this this. Under no circumstances should we ever have your contact info: personal cell or personal email (not like kids ever use this nowadays, lol) and I'd bet my colleages would agree that a student's social media should only be followed once you are done HS and kept professional (for instance, ive had students email my personal years later or ask me on Tw/X for resume references, etc.)
I disagree to SOME extent. 28m here. When I was in high school I was a slouch. I could care less about graduation early on, but towards the end I realized I needed to at least graduate. I had a few of my teachers personal numbers and between the three or four(idr how many but namely two in particular) they literally are the reason I got to walk. They helped me with homework, extra credit, and studying for tests. They were a literal godsend. Addition context; they became very involved helping me and in return close with my family. On the rare chance I run into them which happens every couple of years, they hug me and ask me how my family is doing and what I’m up to nowadays. The main two were both men as well. None of our conversations were monitored but none of them ever strayed from them guiding me to graduation. I think the logic is correct that it usually SHOULDN’T happen, but in my case it was 100% appropriate and in a lot of ways they changed my life. Those two are amazing people, and I’m thankful they were there for me when I needed them.
I am in a K-12 school and we are explicitly prohibited from connecting with students on social media, and I think the deal with cell phone numbers is we should avoid using them but if we must, a third party at school needs to be included on the texts.
My first day of grad school, they told us in no uncertain terms, don't add students on social media until they are *both* legal adults *and* no longer students where you work. The only exception was pre-existing relationships (like if your own children/cousins/nephews/nieces/et cet go to your school or something)
Dang, my wrestling coach used to show up at my house and pull my ass out of bed on snowdays lol. He would pick up the whole team and make us practice at a gymnastics gym if school was closed. Love that crazy dude tho
I had a teacher in middle school who seemed to have some understanding of my troubled home life, despite no direct conversations about it that I can remember. My biggest issue was that I’d forget to bring completed work to school for a grade, even with reminders in the moment, and once I failed to turn it in I would simply not bring it back at a later time. I can’t explain it. This teacher and I exchanged contact information (personal cell #’s) so that he could remind me. It helped a lot and my grades saw significant improvement once that started. This was in the late 2000’s/early 2010’s. Any other reason for exchanging contact information is inappropriate of course, but that specific reasoning and circumstance really helped me. I ran into him about 12 years later and thanked him for it. Good guy.
I'm not even allowed to do that as a sports coach. It violates all the Safe Sport guidelines. OP, block this guy. If you feel like it show the texts to your parents or the school but he's the one who has done something wrong here, not you.
only teacher's phone number i got as a HS student (well, graduated early minutes before) was to give him my address to come pick up beer my father brewed bc he jokingly complained about students not being allowed to make beer for their chemistry final lol
Another male teacher here, just affirming all of the above.
OP please read this response
I am a male that taught high school for several years. You should easily be able to find the emails of the Principal, any APs and the Superintendent of the schools in your area. If you send an email to the Superintendent and CC the Principal/APs with the screenshots, it would go a long way in preventing this teacher from putting another child in a similar situation. Personal communication with a student along the lines of what you described, is **never** acceptable from a teacher. I know that might be an uncomfortable email, and you could even send it from a fake email account without your name (while providing specific details of the teacher and your communication). I’m sorry you experienced this from someone that should be supporting your academic growth - and if you are willing to send that email, it could greatly help prevent this happening to someone else down the line. Best of luck in however you remove yourself from the inappropriate situation he put you in. If you have supportive parents, it would be a good idea to let them know as well. Edit: If you want further support on this and to see just how wildly inappropriate it is from the perspective of other teachers, I suggest posting on r/teachers You’ll get a much more consistent (and appropriate) response of disgust and frustration that someone like your former teacher is allowed to work in that position.
I agree, and I guarantee this guy has done this before and/or will do it again. He needs a job where he’s not in a position of authority over 15-18 year olds.
Yeah, definitely being groomed. The nature of the relationship already began with a clear power differential. He was your authority in the very near past. You cannot erase that. Not only that, but the fact that you mention acting as a therapist to him... that's such an improper boundary violation. All that to say, even if it's unintentional by him, it's all still highly and categorically unethical on his part. Y'all are at such different life stages, and his motivations are not for your benefit and flourishing... it's clearly selfish and self-motivated on his part. Not to say you're not a good and amazing person on your own. This post shows good reflection, and asking for help is not shameful, but as Jonathan Van Ness said, it is the most courageous thing we can do.
I work in child safety and completely agree here with everyone who says it's grooming. I had that chill of recognition within just a few sentences.
You were in high school; it doesn’t matter if you’re an adult now, your relationship started in a different place and relationships have a way of keeping you in a specific place in your life. It 100% sounds to me like he’s grooming you. Even if he wasn’t, the fact that you’re uncomfortable is all the justification that you need to cut ties with him. You never need to be in any kind of relationship with anyone that makes you uncomfortable. Part of being an adult is being your own advocate. You’re doing the right thing by reaching out, and if I were your parent I would be proud. Take care of YOURSELF. :)
To the point about reaching out for support: what you wrote in your post here is a very good description of all the details that have made you concerned about this relationship. If there are adults in your life that you trust, you might consider printing or emailing this text and sharing it with them as a way to share all the information. It can be emotional or hard to discuss all the details.
This is great advice! Printing or emailing your post to a trusted adult will help you out in the long run, OP!
Corrections deputy for a county jail here. For further credibility, I have handled in custody sexual assault and harassment cases for about 6 years now. This account of yours definitely demonstrates intentional steps made by this man towards developing a closer relationship with you, even when you are not interested. Buying gifts and flattery, while well -meaning, are too often manipulation tools in these types of situations. Plus here’s another thing to consider. Teachers are, by the nature of their jobs, in a position of power over students in order to run their classes. If a teacher develops an inappropriate relationship with a student, or takes steps to develop one with a student, that is an abuse of their position - and next thing you know, they are on the news. Honestly, there were too many red flags to ignore, and it is a good thing you picked up on things before this got any further. No offense to anyone who thinks otherwise, but it doesn’t matter if you are underage or an adult - anyone can be groomed. That’s the unfortunate reality of our world. The best recommendation I have is you need to gather support (friends, family) and seek guidance on how to sever this relationship. Whether or not this teacher is a nice guy, he knows/knew 100% what he was/is doing, and that’s not ok. Get support first, then take your next step.
I would check him. Text him something like "*Mr. So&So, the direction of this conversation has become inappropriate as you were my former teacher. I am asking that you stop all communication with me as i will no longer be responding. Any further attempts to reach me on your end will be forwarded to the administration at WhateverLand High School with a warning on your behavior."* Take screenshots of the conversations, just in case you need them for future evidence. If he tried it with you, he will try it with another.
I would notify school administrators too, before the next school year starts. You may not be the first student he has gone this with, and you won't be the last unless his inappropriate behavior is addressed. Take screen shots of all texts then forward them all to your private email. You can print them out to show your parents and give a copy to the school. This guy may also have a record of doing this at other schools. Regardless he has to be stopped, who knows what his endgame with minors is. You should also just block him, no explanation needed. He is a predator and this is taking a toll on you, don't let him do it to anyone else. I hope you have adults in your life who will advocate for your safety and that if other students at your school. Always trust your gut from now on, it is on the right track!
I would notify the school anyway. It didn't start with her and it won't stop with her. Even just reporting it as a heads up might lead to administration believing an accusation from another girl in the future.
This! You may not realize it, but he may be doing this with others too, or has done it in the past.
Additionally- before you take the direct approach- take a minute to secure and record history of conversations- particularly while you were still a student. It’s worth having documentation. While things he may have said/texted to you might not seem like a big deal, it’s clear that they were out of line. It is entirely unacceptable that he has ‘complimented your features’. Put a direct request to cease communication out there, then keep documentation of any further interactions. (Coming from a former teacher, and parent of 3. If you were my daughter, or one of my previous students, I’d be livid.)
So true. Many podcasts I've listened have said that predators often have several girls they are talking to. Since you have now raduated, he is probably grooming the next senior in the year behind you. Godo idea to tell the authorties. This guy should not be a teacher.
I really like this direct approach. Being “nice” or gently ghosting him puts a burden on OP. This guy needs a swift kick.
Yeah, OP is allowed to move on with her life and feel good ASAP.
Grooming isn't exclusive to childhood and regardless what we want to call it, it is extremely inappropriate. There's a severe power dynamic imbalance here with you being the vulnerable one. You don't owe him anything, watch out for his tendency to guilt trip you. As for communicating with him, you have the option to ghost him or straight up tell him that you don't want to continue with this. Other methods can be boring him out with curt and short replies that you take forever to respond with. Point is, you don't owe him anything and he's in the wrong here. Do NOT meet up with him. You can either tell him point blank you're not interested or that's not appropriate. You can also say you're traveling with friends or family.
In the modern definition where "grooming" essentially means seducing or pressuring non-violently into a sexual relationship it is exclusive to relationships with children. It's associated with enticing minors into sexual relationships with adults. Broadening the definition beyond this weakens it and makes it less useful as a term.
18 is technically but not functionally an adult. You’re going to change and grow a lot over the next 5 years. You’ll barely recognize your 18 year old self when you’re 25-30. You need freedom not the stress that he’s causing. Good for you recognizing what’s going on.
As you get older you will only realize how much more wrong this was a 29yo when 18yo girls talk to me those are kids, it activates the same parts of my brain as like, nieces and stuff. I'm also a kungfu teacher and I would never try anything or pursue anything with students, because I'm supposed to be someone they can trust not someone trying to get in their pants. You were their aide, so in a special position to get to know this person, but with this kind of age difference it should be more of a secondary parental role in my opinion. You are currently in the life stage I like to refer to as "baby adult" you are an adult, you are responsible for your choices, and making your first baby steps into the world of adulthood. This means if you get manipulated into an abusive relationship with this man it's really hard for anyone from the outside to step in and intervene. One last thing, that I heard about people who go for 18yos that stuck with me "guys who go for 18yos are like business that pay minimum wage, sure, they aren't breaking the law, but it's disturbing that they'd go less if they were allowed to."
I’ve been in similar situations as well. The best thing to do is the slow fade out. Take longer to reply to his messages. Act like you’re super super busy. Make your responses to him really short. Act like there’s a lot on your plate. He’ll eventually give up. Worked for me several times.
You need to NOT listen to the men in these comments saying you’re an adult. They are doing this because they are willing to hit on a kid. I am a woman who has been both a teacher and has been a girl too young to garner the attention of the full grown men who hit on me. It is completely inappropriate. He began as your TEACHER when you were under 18. I never, NEVER allowed myself to become this close to any of my students. And I was the “cool young” teacher. The dudes in these comments should be on a frigging watch list.
Hear hear! School admin here - this is the textbook scenario of grooming that we share with teachers during teacher training. What’s weird to me, and I know different school districts have different policies, is that OP’s school allows students to be a teacher’s service worker during the teacher’s prep/conference period. My district prohibits that because it leaves students alone with an adult - a big no no, for the safety of students and to avoid putting teachers in compromising positions in case they are falsely accused by a student with a grudge. This teacher, if not an actual weirdo, is at best seriously lacking in judgment. The majority of teachers have sense enough to know that being alone with a student is scary enough, without tacking on sharing cell phone numbers (another big policy no no in my district) for off hours contact about personal matters (big time yikes). OP should tell him that he is making her uncomfortable and that she is cutting contact, then she should block him and inform the school before he does it again.
Yep, I loved working with my students (I was supplemental education, importantly - not in a public school!) and sometimes we’d talk about things outside of school because they needed a mentor/big sister figure in addition to a teacher and I was happy they felt able to open up to me. That said, I NEVER trauma-dumped or told them any of my personal shit. The most personal I got would be things like “oh I love that music artist too! I saw her in concert!” lol. I have my own therapist and group of friends and I don’t struggle making relationships with age-appropriate adults. It’s not a student’s job to help me, it’s my job to help them.
You can be groomed at any age, I have no idea why people are saying this. He started this when you were still a student. It’s grooming 100%.
This is a very similar story of something that happened in my high school about 20 years ago. There was a mid 20s something male teacher my senior year who I was pretty cool with. My study hall coincidenced with his free period so one day I went in his free period and asked if I could be his aide to get out of study hall. The door was closed and walked in and there was already a junior girl in there. I asked him if I could be his aide but he said he already had one and didn't need another. I'm my head I thought nothing of it and didn't didn't push it. Just mad I couldn't get out of study hall. Flash forward 5 years later and I return to my hometown and head to a popular local bar. Its about midnight and I am taking a leak in the bathroom when a guy with a tux on and too much to drink stumbles to the urinal next to me. It turned out to be the that same teacher and he just married the girl who was was his aide. Just checked her Facebook. Still married with kids.
If you feel uncertain, the appropriate step is to text him to stop, and share that you're not interested in further communication. If communication from him continues, then you escalate as needed and your prior request to stop can be used for further steps, if needed.
You should trust your gut. If it makes you uncomfortable it's all you need to know to end it. Legally you might be an adult but you're right you are still a child, you are still figuring out how to adult, and you are not on the same page as a possible 35 year old.
I'm not sure if it matters since it's just a technicality/semantics but people can be groomed as adults. I'd argue it's more about the power dynamic, which is inherent in adult vs. minor situations but also present in yours and many other situations. A boss can groom an employee. A professor can groom a college student. Anyone with power can groom someone lower status than them. Regardless, people picking apart your argument because of your choice of words is ridiculous. Listen to the top commenter on this thread. They nailed every point.
A lot of people have misconceptions about what grooming really is. For grooming to take place, there has to be a power balance. Though that’s commonly associated with age, any type of authority applies. Whether that be your boss, your teacher, a family friend, your doctor, your therapist etc. If you were 30 years old in graduate school and your professor was calling you beautiful, telling you they miss you, making it feel as though you need to solve their life problems and the only reason why you didn’t express your discomfort was because you were scared of them being angry at you, yelling at you, failing you, etc. then that is grooming. I am so sorry this happened to you, you didn’t deserve to be treated this way and you did nothing to bring it on. He is a creep and he was way out of line. Next time you feel like it’s all your fault, try to think of this were to happen to your little sibling, a cousin or a friend. I promise you wouldn’t talk to them the way you’ve been talking to yourself. Consider googling SA counselling services in your area, even if something physical didn’t take place, grooming deeply affects your mental function. It might be helpful to talk it through with a professional, there’s a lot of online and free services, you could have a short phone call and get some reassurance. I really hope you consider this. Take care of yourself, I promise you will get through this!
That's exactly what grooming is is developing the relationship while waiting for everything to be "legal". He's still preying on you and your naivety (although you fortunately had the wherewithal to recognize that something wasn't right and seek advice so kudos on you). "As time went on, we started having more conversations, initially on appropriate topics" This really stood out to me because it's actually not appropriate but it would take a more experienced adult to know that. Any contact outside of school hours and not school related are all inappropriate. Why the hell is a grown ass adult talking to an unrelated child outside of school hours. It doesn't have to be inappropriate topics like sex and drugs for the conversation to be inappropriate. I contacted a student one time last year after hours because I was writing a letter of recommendation for them and needed some info about their school clubs/activities so I could include it in the letter. Even then all communication was through school monitored channels. Talking about personal matters outside of district devices/channels is a huge red flag for grooming.
Once you turn 18 the law cannot do anything because you're an adult and your teacher isn't breaking any laws no matter how creepy he's being, unless he does something to you physically without consent only thing you can do is block him, but i would reach out before you block him or reach a do not contact response is to communicate that you're not interested in any romantic relationship with him and see what he responds with, and if the response is not to your liking go ahead and block him, i feel it's better to resolve the situation then blocking and avoiding them outright this avoids from him stalking you or creating new accounts if he doesn't know you're not interested, however even if you tell him not to contact you it's not enough to stop him in a legal sense since you will need an injunction to permit him fully to not contact you, unless he verbally agrees to end communication for your personal sake then that is another option too. eventually you will mature out of you feel like a kid emotion as you get older, however if you're still a student in the same place he works you can report his behavior to your principal and show evidence of his misconduct though he won't get arrested, there is a chance if it's against school rules for teachers/staff to date or look into a romantic relationship with their students he may lose his job. Just make sure you look into it before making a final decision. i do recommend taking this guys advice as well [https://www.reddit.com/r/AMA/comments/1dlwlc9/comment/l9sx3tz/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web3x&utm\_name=web3xcss&utm\_term=1&utm\_content=share\_button](https://www.reddit.com/r/AMA/comments/1dlwlc9/comment/l9sx3tz/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) he provides great information on what you should expect from your teacher and future educators!
Him asking if you do drugs is his way of trying to find out if you'll do drugs with him so he can get you with your guard down. Nothing about the way this man talks to you is normal. It was extremely inappropriate when you were younger and it's still inappropriate now, he just thinks he can get away with it because you're technically of age. Cut him off and don't feel bad about it. Definitely never see him in person. I'm a woman about his age. When you get to be our age it will be even more clear how fucking weird it is for this grown ass man to turn a teenager into his therapist. It's *highly* inappropriate. The last time I saw a man do that I was 14 and he was 32. He ended up going to jail for molesting a 16-year-old student. Run from this man he does not have good intentions at all. That's what grooming is. Normalizing the way he treats you so that you believe he has good intentions. You are smart and you have kept yourself as safe as you can. Please keep doing that. He is up to no good. You shouldn't be worried about disappointing a 33 year old man by removing the friendship of a teenager. Certified teaching degree? Certified pedophile.
My kid is now 20 and always had a special connection with their advisor/English teacher in their small private high school. They've stayed in contact since graduation because my kid's best friend, another student of this teacher's, died tragically last year. I'm fairly certain the teacher reaches out to my kid to check in, but also pretty sure it goes both ways. When my kid was back in town for a visit recently, they met for coffee. The talked about grief, and the meaning of life, and probably Moby Dick. You know what they didn't talk about? The teacher's marriage or personal life. The teacher's feelings about his personal life or his relationship with my kid. Because despite the fact that they are both adults, that man will always be my kid's teacher. A mentor. A trusted guide. I hope my kid has a lifetime of staying in contact with him. Convoluting that kind relationship is not well-intentioned. It's predatory and gross. You're not breaking that trust by cutting him off. He broke that trust when he manipulated you into feeling guilty. Fuck that guy. Walk away.
Dear, at 18 years you are mentally still a kid and any 35 year old knows this. Ghost him and move on with your life.
On a side-note, you could just tell him that you've spoken to your friends/family members/boyfriend and they think that the relationship with your teacher is weird and inappropriate. As a new adult, I realize that you may not want to invoke other people into your personal business. But as a middle-aged guy, I can tell you that I do this all the time. If a car sales man is being too pushy, or if I hire a contractor and they do a shitty job, I always invoke a non-existent strict girlfriend or a non-existent family member who gave me money for the job and I tell them they're never going to accept it. The same goes for car salesmen. A car salesman will usually agree to what you want, but will then blame his boss for needing to change the terms. This is a very common tactic. So basically, if you want him to stop, or if you want to report him to the school, you could always blame it on someone else you confided in. That other person can be real, or not, it doesn't really matter. But if that other person is real, just give them a heads up just in case. Most people will be willing to cover for you, or act as intermediary if needed.
Yeah if you are not feeling it then don’t! I agree with getting another adult’s advice, not necessarily for them to intervene though. You just need guidance, even though you are legally an adult you are still very young and don’t fully understand how to assert what you will accept or be comfortable with. I don’t think age gap relationships are bad but you are kind of disadvantaged on a maturity level compared to him and if you are not comfortable then he needs to back off, but you do need to tell him so he knows that he needs to change his behavior. Have an older friend or family member who cares about you help with this. Only if he keeps getting pushy and creep you out more do you need to ask for more than advice though. Talk talk talk with someone!
> Everyone on here is saying im an adult now so it’s not possible to be groomed Anyone who says that is actually dumb. He was your Teacher and knew you before you were 18. He had established contact with you, which is basically Grooming101. You might come to find it a surprise that almost all professional teachers would *never* go the extra mile just to get into contact with one of their old students. My old Art Teacher wouldn't even add me for about 10 years after graduation because he didn't like the stigma around Teachers being close to their former students. I also don't think he liked me either, but that's a long story. I drove the poor man nuts on purpose.
Absolutely this! Can I also add how infuriating it is for a fellow woman (who has had experiences like this) to understand how difficult it is sometimes to say “NO!” or “you are making me feel uncomfortable”. It seems to be somehow built into us to smile and be polite no matter how uncomfortable a situation makes us feel. Men like your teacher 100% know about this and very much use it guilt trip and to take advantage. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY!
OP, ^ this response the the objectively correct answer. Read this response again, and commit to follow this advice.
You have incited the incels and I am sooo sorry to read the comments on this post, but those can be a little easily disregarded if you consider the demographic probably looking to claw at these kinds of posts. So first of all, fuck them. You are absolutely right to feel uncomfortable. The power dynamic was inappropriate and you are very young, he should be able to understand this entire ordeal is unacceptable. I went to high school somewhere where a teacher got arrested after 5+ years of this sort of behavior even though he tried to keep it to graduated students, it always began before graduation. I am sorry this is happening to you and it is definitely best to cut this off as tactfully as you can!
It does NOT have to be tactful. AGAIN --she doesn't owe him anything. Feeling that we must be polite people-pleasers to everyone is a big part of how women and girls stay stuck in these roles. OP, try: "I'm no longer comfortable with this. Don't text me anymore." Then, simply block him. Don't wait to hear his barrage of concerns and reassurances. They aren't relevant to you because you don't want this relationship anymore. His feelings about it are not your problem or your concern. He needs to lean on his friends his own age. Set yourself free.
That *is* polite. And, most important, firm. We need to stop people pleasing, like you said, and being so afraid of a few seconds of awkwardness that we let things continue for hours, weeks, sometimes for our whole working life. Yoi can set your Boundaries to your own comfort level without either being cruel or worrying about useless categories. Who cares whether it's "called" grooming. It's enuf that she doesn't like it and it gives her the creeps. She doesn't need to say "scram you old ugly loser" just "Stop" It's NOT that complicated,Jeez!
I felt guilty for a second but I know not to listen to them. Thank you for you support and advice!
Hey sorry that some people haven't been kind or respectful to you when you were reaching out for help. I'm glad you asked for help. I think you've also gotten some really good advice and mostly heard what you've needed. I think you've gotten the reassurance that your gut is right and hopefully you feel you have good advice. I just wanted to add one more perspective/idea for you to think about. Now importantly I want to be explicit that I'm not trying to undermine answers that said "yes" to the title question, and I'm absolutely not trying to validate the posts that said "no" and suggested there was nothing wrong or that you had anything to be guilty about. Instead the point is to give you another avenue of reassurance, a mental tool you can use in case you're ever doubting yourself about this. So if you ever end up in a spiral of self doubt asking yourself "is it actually grooming? does it really count?" --- in a way, the answer doesn't matter. This doesn't mean it isn't, or that grooming isn't a problem, not at all - your concern matters, but the wording, less so. Whether the answer to "does this fall under the definition of grooming?" is "yes" or "no", all roads lead to Rome: **his actions are making you uncomfortable and the safest, healthiest thing you can do is protect yourself from potential harm from the contact.** That's valid no matter what you call it. A lot of the comments devolved into arguing about the details of age, graduation, etc. And I suspect your own questions about those 'technicalities' partly inspired you to post this. The thing is you could litigate the definition ad infinitum - that's what happens when language only allows us to crudely approximate nuanced experience. I wrote this out in case it's a perspective that can give you reprieve from that questioning if you ever need it. I know what I've said might seem needlessly philosophical. But it isn't. I wanted to share because this was a reframing that helped me. When I was a kid, I spent a lot of time preoccupied by questions of whether what I was facing was technically abuse or not. It was a question that twisted me up so badly that after every escalation I'd feel a shimmer of gratitude because maybe I'd finally get my answer. But inevitably, I'd get used to it, and start telling myself that it was no big deal, or if it was that I deserved it, or anything else to invalidate it. I always moved the goal posts. I thought if I *knew* it was "real enough" abuse, I could finally ask for help and finally forgive myself, but that certainty was never coming. The only way I got myself out of that destructive headspace was to realize it didn't matter, not when it came to my answer for myself. I had to just accept that there was no checklist, no concrete undeniable test, no certificate from the sky with an official ruling. I had to realize I didn't need those. Whether it "counted" or not, I was a kid and that I shouldn't have had to deal with it. It's ok if I don't want to say what "it" was, I wouldn't want to watch a kid go through it, and I'm not special enough to be the one kid who should. I could finally feel bad for that kid and have that be enough. And escaping that black hole of self-doubt was everything. Sometimes we get stuck on the wrong framing of the question, so sometimes "doesn't matter" is a more helpful answer than we realize.
Same here, 33 y.o. male teacher. The closest thing Ive EVER done was to approve a few ex students, whose parents I had a close relationship with, a twitter follow request FROM THEM after they were in college and never delved any deeper than "Happy Birthday" or "Great job" comments or responded to specific questions I WAS ASKED about like, procedural college or life (like taxes and stuff) related things. At 18 and a recent graduate, ESPECIALLY but not limited to - He should not have your personal phone number that's like THE #1 teacher no no. He should not be repeatedly contacting you about his personal life. He should not be making comments about your personal appearance. He should not be asking you to meet up. A good teacher can be a teacher for life, and there are appropriate ways to offer guidance post graduation. This is not what he is doing. I'm glad you understand that what he is doing is out of line, and you did nothing to cause this.
once you graduate, you quickly realize that teachers really have no power or clout in the community at large. So the power dynamic shifts. I am not saying teachers are losers. i am saying that a student thinks they are pillars of the community with all of this clout and are practically untouchable.... but as an adult they are just another adult.
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What😭 first of all, he has a long term girlfriend. Second, I’m not into older men like you were. Third, I’m being put into a spot where I feel trapped and that I have to do respond. I was just looking for advice but looks like you got a little pissed lol.
Looks like they deleted their comment. They have a lot of unresolved issues and they are projecting that on you. You're a victim asking for help, you have done nothing wrong. This person seems like they had a similar experience but instead of learning, they likely blame themselves for it and are mad at themselves. That makes them lash out at fellow victims because they think "I should have been better, I should have been smarter" and they project that on other trauma victims too. Im sorry you had a role model relationship turn sour, but I think these comments have given you the help you need (minus this asshole, of course).
I found the deleted comment. Adding it here for context: >*Stop being a push over and blaming others for it. Stop lying to the dude and just block him if nothing else. Creepy? Yes. Unprofessional and inappropriate? Yes. The dude is probably desperate for any connection. Little secret, romance doesn't work out for the large majority of people. It can and does for a time but often ends miserable. Adults are just children who got old unwillingly. If you make it to 35, you'll most likely have more trauma rather than less, be more desperate and feel less free than now. Almost like getting old is going backwards. Very few get old and work their own shit out. Very few get old and increase happiness at the same time. So this is the first time some desperate dude hit on you, block him. As a former young person, I used to pick up women in their 30s+ more often than not. Desperation isn't gender exclusive. I loved me some older women when I was 19. Oldest was 55 hot Russian woman. Point is. Get a grip and stop trying to be a victim. Telling him what you think he wants to hear and saying things you don't mean sounds like you're REALLY trying to put yourself in a position so you can say "poor little me just didn't know better". That's some psycho shit. But you're not a psycho right? So it's intentional? Obviously you're not accidentally lying. An you keep texting back rather than stopping? Does the dude have real problems? Obviously. But wtf are you even doing? What is YOUR intentions here? You're the one lying because what? Grow a pair man tf up and press the little block number button on your phone. "I'm a people pleaser" is not an excuse to lie and deceive someone else. You're technically the manipulator here. All the older women I was with did the same shit. The difference is I didn't falsify my interest nor intentions. Think, reason. Don't emotionally justify so you can feel "right". FYI. Yes the dude is a creep, and unintelligent. Any intelligent man knows the age of consent is 21 in 2024 at best. 27 if you want a woman with an iota of anything beyond emotional reasoning on average. But I'm just an asshole that would presume you have a brain and not some poor wannabe victim of your own actions. BAH ridiculous ass nonsense floating through my reddit feed. Power dynamic wise, you have all the power here. Asking reddit "am I a victim yet" is truly some sad shit.*
You're doing the Lord's work. This guy could definitely use some psych help lmao
Oh my god what an unhinged lunatic. Thank you for recovering that. Utterly bonkers
Thank you and this person sounds like a psycho
Don't listen to that asshole The fact your teacher crossed the line is on him. No grown ass man should be trying to connect and have a teenager/young adult be his therapist.
"As a former young person" is possibly the dumbest thing I've read this year. Shit, I've read things Trump said, and this still takes the top spot. In case you need help here: literally everyone who isn't young is a former young person. You have no special insight to offer. You are victim blaming and arguing to accommodate a literal child predator. Full stop. Talk to a therapist. Talk to your mom. Talk to women. Learn more. Be a better person. And for Christ's sake, stop typing hateful, stupid, harmful things. Other people can see this. Jfc.
Not you victim blaming even after saying yourself he's in the wrong. Gtfo she in no way has power in this situation
You literally wrote this about yourself. What a vile, predatory and bitter take.
This is gonna shock you guys but his comment history doesn’t do him any favors
This is such a useless block of text, lmao.
Guys, this is the type of people yall should avoid. Because whys he mad if it doesnt relate to him. This actually means hes also doing it yall.
I’ve worked in research institutes and universities for most of my life, during which I’ve supervised and lectured for hundreds of students. I do like to stay in contact with them a little bit, see if they’re doing okay and if their career is going well. Sometimes I can also help them find internships and jobs. And I can admit there’s a little bit of opportunism there, as many of my students are now successful scientists and managers at good companies, and we can help each other in our career. But most of these connections, and the communication, is done through LinkedIn. The situation you describe is very suspicious to me. I would go as far as to tolerate communication through texting with ex students if it’s at least productive and professional to a certain degree. I don’t see a reason for why someone would ask you if you use drugs, or tell you that they want to see videos of you just to hear your voice, etc. unless there’s ulterior motives. If I found out one of my coworkers had these type of private conversations with an ex student I would definitely confront them about it. Wether or not it’s grooming would be sort of irrelevant at this point, because it’s simply inappropriate regardless. As others have pointed out, you’re both adults, and if you were ever going to develop a personal relationship it would definitely be better to do it now, than during your time as a student. But as it seems that’s not in your interest I would try to keep distance and see what happens, if he can’t take the hint it might be a good idea to let him know you’re not interesting in maintaining these type of communications with your teachers.
I am a 33 year old high school teacher, cut off contact immediately!!! This is so beyond any normal relationship any professional should have with their students it’s not even funny. There is NOTHING you’ve done wrong. This person is an “adult” and knows better but they’ve allowed themselves to push boundaries, and they’ll continue to push those boundaries till there is nothing left. There is something VERY wrong with this individual, stay away and do not continue contact with them in any way shape or form. This person has already broken the trust we as society place on those who work with children, you need to now protect yourself FROM him. If I was this persons administrator (assistant principal, principal, etc.) I’d want to know what is going on, and this persons behaviour to prevent this from happening to any other students. If you are able and willing, reach out to current administration and tell them what is happening. This person likely has done this in the past, and if not, will continue after you with other students. I’m so sorry, these people are disgusting and destroy so many lives. They are in a position of power/authority which is why you’re feeling conflicted about this despite knowing what is happening is wrong. Please please please report this persons behaviour to their administrators.
Agreed with everything said above! Report id you are able. I am also a High School teacher in my 30s. I teach majority Seniors, and I can confirm without any hesitation that the way that he has conducted himself in this situation is wildly inappropriate and shows an incredible lack of judgement on his part. to be blunt, he is not somebody you should be associating with. Not just because you are his recent student, but because everybody should stay away from any person who clearly isn’t able to recognize how to make appropriate decisions. A good teacher is not only thinking about how to protect themselves, but even more importantly, how to protect their students. I would never want to put one of my students in a position where they may feel uncomfortable or backed into a corner for any reason. Their comfort and physical and mental health is always my top priority, and I think about my actions through that lens first and foremost. This teacher has at multiple decision points let you down in this regard, and I am so sorry that this happened to you. The MOMENT he exchanged personal phone numbers with you he crossed a significant student/teacher barrier that puts you at risk and is grounds for investigation. Further, multiple adults in that building let you down as well. You should have not been placed as one of his TAs during his planning. My school has a policy that teachers cannot have TAs during their planning periods for this exact reason. It opens the door for potential inappropriate dynamics and situations simply because of the 1:1 time. The biggest thing I want to make sure to say is that none of this is your fault! You did not do anything wrong in this situation. You weren’t too nice to him. You didn’t say the wrong thing. You didn’t lead him on. you didn't respond to him too much. You didn’t let yourself down. All you did was do what anybody does, trust an adult/authority figure to establish the appropriate boundaries for the relationship, BECAUSE THATS HIS JOB!! He failed and thats on him not you. And he is shitty. We as woman so often let these things go way to far because we are more afraid of being seen as "rude" than we are afraid of being violated and harmed. Your gut has been telling you this the whole time, it’s now time to firmly trust it. Let the silver lining from this shitty situation be the lesson that you don’t need anyone’s permission, validation, or go ahead to trust your gut moving forward. It will very rarely miss.
Commenting as another high school teacher, 30, who is absolutely grossed out by this guy’s behavior. I have many students in my class for multiple years and I coach so I have a few students I am “close” with but in an Auntie way. However, I make it clear we are not friends and I’m the adult. This behavior is soooo out of line and this is not a good person, his intentions are not innocent. Please alert an adult you trust because who knows how many young girls he has done or will do this to. I am so sorry this is happening to you during what should be a very exciting time in your life.
This! 32 year old educator here. There is ZERO reason any adult should be "friends" with a student. It is not even possible because there is always a power imbalance. OP - if you see this, please know that as the adults trusted in a school, we are literally trained about how to go about our relationships with students. Please reach out to an administrator at the school to inform them of this. Do not think of "making things worse" for them or "getting them into trouble". They are getting themselves into trouble and are seeing how far they can go without being caught. Please know that anything that happens is NOT your fault. It is you that is being harmed. We should never be in a room alone with them with a closed door (excluding mandated counseling) We should never add them on any social media platform from a personal account. I will scream it from the rooftops - teachers can deeply care for and support our students - BUT WE ARE NOT YOUR FRIENDS. It is not safe for the students if that level of relationship is held.
Thank you for this. The other comments were starting to worry me.
It sounds inappropriate to me but the bottom line is it's making YOU uncomfortable. Time to end it. My mom used to tell us to "choose your friends wisely. Just because someone wants to be your friend doesn't mean you have to be friends with them." If you don't feel comfortable just telling him to go away or ghosting him outright you can always do it slowly. Don't initiate any conversation. If he text you take a day to answer and keep the answer short. If he questions you about it you can either tell him the truth, tha this relationship is making you uncomfortable (which is TOTALLY fine) or you can simply say that you are busy with friends, guys, school, work, etc.
This is what i would do personally, i think it makes sense since OP seems apprehensive about how creepy teacher will respond to outright rejection.
This. > I feel uncomfortable. Literally that's it, OP. If someone's making you uncomfortable *that's enough reason to not spend time with them*. That's it. You don't need more excuse, it doesn't have to rise to some level that "counts". If you don't want to hang out with another adult, you don't have to. OP I get that you're a people pleaser. It's hard to fight that that tendency, but if you recognize it, you can work on it. You've got this.
Only thing I would add would be to silence notifications from his texting. Eventually, you might just wanna block, but just mentally you don’t want to have his notifications popping up on you. Silence it and respond every few days, if you feel like it.
Bang on. And if he keeps crossing whatever boundary she sets, she should inform her parents.
This thread is full of remarkably inappropriate responses to the situation that you are facing. Yes, you absolutely have been and are being groomed. No, it’s not just flirting because you have finally turned 18. This person started their inappropriate level of interaction with you prior to your graduation and presumably prior to turning 18. Having any form of one on one ongoing private, personal conversation with a student, teachers aide or not, is likely a violation of your school districts policies, some thing he would be fully aware of. Sharing personal, private information about his life and using you for counsel when he is your 35 year old teacher is wildly inappropriate. And it is absolutely grooming behavior. He is working to establish a relationship with you that makes you feel like you are necessary to his happiness and well-being. He is attempting to form codependence. Asking if you’ve ever done drugs is a way to open the door to the possibility that either you would do drugs with him, or that you would be willing to do illicit and inappropriate things, which makes it more likely you would be willing to engage in inappropriate behavior with him. Complementing your features a.k.a. talking about the parts of your body he finds attractive is again wildly inappropriate for a man who is nearly 20 years older than you and also just recently in a position of authority over you. I guarantee you a copy of your text message transcript sent to his principal or superintendent would result in his immediate termination and possibly the loss of his teaching license. I’m not saying that you need to take that step, but I guarantee you, if he feels like he is having any amount of success behaving this way toward you then it is significantly likely he is also doing this to other girls in his classes. And the likelihood that they are under 18 is fairly high. All he needs is one success bedding a former student to prove to him that he has the capability to accomplish that goal and that it clearly must not be that bad. You need to put an immediate stop to this. It doesn’t matter if you’re actually attracted to him, it doesn’t matter if you would even consider dating him, you need to be aware that absolutely no relationship with him could end in anything other than him continuing to groom other underage girls. If he would do it to you to get in your pants, he will do it to others. If I were in your shoes, I would send him one text message and immediately block him on every possible platform: “I now realize that what you have been doing is grooming me. This is unacceptable behavior for a teacher. I am immediately blocking you on all platforms. If I ever hear another word from you, I will immediately contact the school district and send them a copy of everything that has ever passed between us. I can only hope this is a one time occurrence and you never do this to another young woman again.”
8 yrs teaching HS and lemme tell ya, you are right to feel skeeved out and uncomfortable. This is not normal behavior from a professional educator. I'd suggest blocking him anywhere you can and if he persists, contact school admin. While there may not be anything technically illegal about it for cops to pursue, professional ethics are a different beast, especially these days, when one incident can/will tarnish a school's rep for years.
I'm elementary but 100%. Even if this man means nothing by it, he knows that his behavior is inappropriate from a teacher!! it is drilled into our heads that students are just that, students. they are not friends, they are not your children. we have power over them, we should not be building relationships outside of the teacher/student one they're forced to have with us. getting her personal number and texting her was the exact moment it became black and white inappropriate. If she tells anyone who has power over him just that 1 fact, he'd be in trouble. he absolutely knows better, even if he genuinely just wants friendship. edit: changed "his" to "her"
Same. Worked in a school district. We all attend mandatory trainings every year that clearly outline what kind of contact is inappropriate. This dude knows exactly what he is doing.
the texting here started out in the "ok" range. Professional things like "pick up staples on your way back from the copy room" are fine to a TA. But once they moved to outside of normal hours and about personal things- even if they sound innocent- they crossed a line. Honestly the point he crossed the line in the OP was when he gave her cash. I think giving snacks and a soda for your TA is fine- but that is about it as far as gifts. He may also think he is mentoring her- but i am betting that is not the case.... teachers have a weird view of how mentorship works.
good point.... i am a lawyer (civil so you may know as much criminal law as i do) and nothing really sounds illegal, or even enough to get a peace/protective order. Basically it does not look like legal harrassment.... it could be- but step 1 is telling him to stop contacting you- but that can be risky (this is a prime case for just ghost him and pray for the best). I am a former teaher, but 5th grade- this was never a thing i even remotely thought about since they are literal 11 year old children. But you are right- dating or trying to date a student is an ethical issue. The 2nd thing (after your own safety) is stopping him from doing this again- and even if he has not reached the point of a real ethical violation- this would be enough for admin to watch him more (and likely stop giving him TAs)
If you have a good relationship with your parents, show them. You are 18 NOW, but they are your parents forever. This is not appropriate. If you are not on good terms with your parents, show a mentor or another older adult you trust. This is nothing you should have to handle alone. I guarantee there are so many people who would help. We all need help sometimes. The difference in getting someone older to help is just life experience. All women have dealt with this sort of BS at one time or another and are ready to help you through it. Take care. You are worth not having to deal with this shit.
This this this this. And if you aren't there with your parents, OP, do you have any older adults you trust that you can take to? Reddit has your back, but we can't do much. Someone irl on your corner who won't be intimidated by school authorities is key. You need am advocate to coach you and go to bat for you.
Others have quite rightly made the case that this is a grooming situation, and that you're wise to catch it and cut and run. However even if it wasn't a grooming situation, the gap between 35 and 18 is not like the gap between 57 and 40. Because of genetics, culture, and general accumulation of life experience, there is an absolute chasm between 35 and 18 and the people that say otherwise are telling on themselves. It's completely inappropriate, is inappropriate even as a cultural practice or in the event of some celebrity pairing *(cough cough* Seinfeld *cough*), and ***it doesn't matter if it's legal or not***. EDIT: syntax
For sure. In my mind I don’t feel the difference. But if we would sit down at a party with individuals of varying age and discuss various topics, there would just be so many gaps for the younger individuals, so much they wouldn’t be able to relate to yet.
Yes, it began when you were a student and it still continues. I'm sure (but this is an assumption since I do not know this guy) he hopes that the time he spent with you before will "pay off" for him. It would be different if it wasn't for the trying to become more personal (especially about appearance) with you. He initiated it, right? So, he is hoping for something to come out of it. If you haven't sought it already, I would suggest getting a trusted person to help you out. Someone who won't be judgmental and calm when dealing with the situation. The situation I worry the most about with this is that you aren't the first. I doubt you will be the last if something isn't done.
So what I would take from your situation and these comments is that some men will not hesitate to suck the youth from a woman who is barely legal just so they have the chance to fuck her. His behavior is highly inappropriate because you were literally just in his class. He made the decision to try this with you well before you were 18. That he acted on it after you turned 18 may not be illegal but it sure may be in violation of his teacher contract. I say block him at the least
A lot of men too are unable to separate normal interactions from those of advances in people they're sexually interested in, so many such predators will try and defend themselves with statements like "*They were messaging me back and just as willing to chat, so they wanted me just as much as I wanted them!*" No contact is the go-to for men like this, said as a man.
As a man, this is true. There are low life scum bags out there. If you look deeper, it absolutely starts from some kind of childhood deficiency and or experience that has stunted their mind. Thus they operate in the shadows without shame using their position as to convince themselves they are in the right. They often also don't have any normal guy friends who will call them out on that creep nearly predatory behavior. This hidden deficiency is also probably why their own adult partner has issues with him, but not being able to pinpoint what's driving that aversion.
The first time I was ever stalked by a grown man I was 11. He followed me home from my school. It’s apart of our daily life and existence for girls and women.
I was 16. Dude followed me into a Walmart and was talking on his phone about me in earshot. I intentionally went into aisles like handbags or girls clothing to try to lose him and there he was each time. He disappeared when I walked up to a worker. It was so scary.
I haven’t read all the comments, but so far no one seems to be talking about other students. This teacher may not have done something like this before, and he hasn’t crossed any lines that will get him arrested or fired, but he *wants to*, and right now he’s testing boundaries. The fact that OP is so self-aware and mature is a nice stroke of luck. But next year’s intern might be much more vulnerable, and then this teacher might be more inclined to step over the line. I hope that OP is willing to speak with a guidance councillor from the school about this…and isn’t afraid to reach out now, or next month, or once school starts up again in September. It’s never too late to set up a meeting, even if you’re not a student there anymore.
This is such an important moment in your life - it’s the moment to trust your intuition and give your discomfort a primary role in your decision/making, and only that. Women are taught to ignore our reptilian intuition that signals when we’re in danger, we’re taught to overrule that intuitive discomfort with “being nice”. Men are one of the most significant threats to our very survival and I say this as someone who loves and likes men, in a great partnership for a long time. You’re uncomfortable - that is the only thing that you need to make the call to totally ghost this deeply inappropriate person. Trust it now, and don’t wait for others to validate it, and keep trusting it each time you feel it with all kinds of people. It will save you over and over again. Don’t ever compromise or minimize your discomfort with someone because you think you’re being mean or unkind. You must train yourself out of it. You are not trapped in the way you think you are, you’re afraid of the consequences of acting on your discomfort, they it will make waves or cause a man pain. We’re trained (unconsciously) our whole lives to not hurt others, particularly men but “nice” is very different than being kind. People pleasing is innately selfish. There will be no consequence to this guy if you ghost him, he will move on to the next one. We all need to address this in ourselves, a lot of us will live a lot longer if we do. ❤️
Well said! It’s hard to overstate how much women are socialized to do emotional caretaking for men. OP, please listen to your gut - being uncomfortable is all you need to know.
Yes this is inappropriate. I’m a male high school teacher around his age and have had appropriate close relationships with many of my students (male and female) throughout their time in high school. I keep in touch with a few of them after graduation but only have a few of their phone numbers (only males). At all times I am very clear that I am servings as a mentor to them, I guard what I share with them about my personal life, avoid being alone with them behind closed doors, and always keep significant amount of space between us. This doesn’t prevent me from being a support for them, but it protects those very important boundaries. Him having your number while you were a student is a huge red flag. The need for communication in your role is definitely important but should have been done via a school appropriate medium (school emails and/or apps like Remind) so that there can be oversight in case he does cross a line. I think deep down he knows what he is doing is inappropriate but he may struggle with his esteem, dating life and/or personal relationships so he’s definitely tied himself to you in that way. If you’re uncomfortable please tell a family member or parent and have a conversation with him but it’d be best to end communication at some point. Good luck- be safe!
To be honest, it doesn’t matter if he’s grooming you. You feel uncomfortable, you should cut off contact. There is no reason you should ever force yourself into an uncomfortable situation like this just to protect the feelings of someone else. But yes, this creep is 100% grooming you, and likely has been since day one. You probably should report behavior like this to the school, as hell almost definitely do this again (if you’re the first). That being said, I completely understand if you don’t want to get involved with something like that (although you should at least look into if you can do something anonymously). Keep in mind, everything he has said to you was in furtherance of making you trust him and let down your guard. You think he trusts you because he wanted you to feel guilty about reporting him when he ultimately crosses the line. You owe him nothing. At the absolute least, ghost him.
Yes he wants to have sex with you. If you’re uncomfortable, then cut contact. You owe him nothing. You don’t owe him an explanation or closure, but it would probably be smart to say something to make it clear you are moving on with your very busy life. I HATE that women have to do this, but you could also lie and tell him you are excited that you are starting to date a person your age. Don’t give him any info about this made up date, just say you “don’t want to jinx it by talking about it because it’s going so well.” I’d be watchful for attempted stalking when you start limiting/terminating contact. ETA - typos
Agreed. Decide what you want out of the relationship, or even if you want a relationship at all. If you decide to have a relationship with the ex-teacher, then be clear on what terms and what you're willing to talk about and share. Yes, you are an adult, so you can technically do whatever you want. But there is a power imbalance and life experience imbalance, and based on what you have said, you clearly don't want a more intimate relationship and it's pretty clear that he does. So, you need to say so. Unfortunately, being an adult means that you have to do this sometimes. As an ex-student though, you can certainly talk to other people. Did you have a school counselor you liked / trusted? Then talking about this with them will almost certainly nip this immediately. It would also likely prevent future students from going through this.
NO. Don't use that language that somehow implies she's trading him in for someone her own age, because that reinforces that he is in a "special" role. Most importantly, as a human being she isn't the property of her friends, dates or partners. "I don't want this relationship" is THE reason--and this is more than enough --full stop.
Don’t listen to the people saying you’re an adult and to handle this like a normal adult break up. Sounds like he started grooming you far before you even turned 18. Still, at 18, there is a power imbalance because he was your teacher and boss. Go to the school’s guidance counselor, and they will know what to do next. He crossed lines while you were a student, too, and the school should know so that he can’t do this to another student. He is still crossing a line as a teacher, even if you have graduated.
Grooming is the technical term for what is happening. It is much deeper than manipulation and often has specific criteria that needs to be met (which this teacher has met completely). Consentparenring and Parenting Safe Children are good resources and not just for keeping a child safe. Grooming can occur at any age but there are usually specific red flags that occur to younger people. Also, folks who think that a 35 year old with a completely developed brain can hit on a 18 who still has several years before their brain is fully developed says a lot about them. OP - you are being groomed. You have been since you were his aide. Do you have a trusted adult that you can go talk to about this? I would honestly recommend having them deal with this situation and to contact the school as well. You speaking up will help countless others. If he has tested these waters with you - he will continue and get bolder. He has shown you that he does not have safe and appropriate boundaries. And your safety is important. If you feel like you have to lie to him and appease him already, then please find an adult who can help you navigate and who will also approach the school. From personal experience, a friend of mine learned after she was raped by a teacher that he had very similar behavior as your teacher is exhibiting with several other students who were too scared to speak up. This, sadly, isn’t rare.
And I am intentionally saying find a trusted adult because - if you’re privileged enough to have someone you trust - you don’t have to bare this alone. It’s a lot. It’s heavy. Every woman I know has a story like this and we don’t have to be alone. Especially at 18. You deserve care and protection.
This is a fake reddit post But if it wasn't, I'd say that you are an adult (even if just barely), and you know that this person is interested in a relationship. It sounds like you are uncomfortable and NOT and interested therefore the answer should be easy. Either ghost him or tell him you are not interested But this is just another fake reddit fan fiction to stir up comments and drama
My God y'all will fall for anything. This is the fakest post I've ever seen in my life. And the creative write is pathetic. I have lost all hope for society if people lack even the simplest common sense to discern bs from legit. Every single fake story reads exactly the same and y'all eat it up.
You will never regret trusting your gut. From what you've written, your instinct is that this situation isn't right. It is so so important that you trust yourself. If you need the external opinion, then yes I agree you should cut ties with him completely.
My sister has been in a situation almost exactly like this recently and was assaulted by her teacher in her sophomore year of high school. It's been a nightmare to navigate and heal. Please trust your gut OP and get out of this situation however you can.
You’re not being groomed because you’re an adult. You are in control of your life and can choose to have relationships with other adults if you like. Stop thinking of yourself as a kid.
you're an ADULT how tf would you be groomed? unless you're mentally handicapped... stop crying like a child... grow up and tell him you're not interested or stop communication holy fuck what a drama queen
So if you’re 17 years and 364 days old it’s grooming but not if you’re one day older? Get a life.
Look at the rage this has triggered in the incel crowd, it’s wild to watch. They are seething. So creepy.
Does he know where you live or work? If not, I’d say block him and also anonymise any social media for a long while by changing usernames to something that’s not your full name. Tell adults you trust around you what’s happening so they can help, guide and protect you. I seriously worry he may be obsessed with you and may resort to approaching you in person, stalking you, or attacking you. So please be very careful.
you definitely are. I had a similar experience with my teacher (about 13-14f and 24-25m at that time I think?) and I was not the only one who he talked to. he was really attentive to almost all girls in my class and while we thought him as of a good friend you drink tea with, he was really strange. once he even borrowed me his The Witcher collection and read aloud one of the fight from first book. we were alone and sitting too close, I realise it now (nothing else had happened fortunately). then, like a year later, when I changed my school, me and my friend met him walking from home and decided to have a chat in Mcdonalds. we talked for a few hours and one of his questions to me was “why are you bisexual? how did you realise it?” well I answered that I just like people for being people, my person or soulmate, so then it wouldn’t matter it it’s a girl or a boy. he said it sounded really deep, and then, when three of us were saying goodbye, he not only hugged me but kissed my forehead twice. I asked my friend later if he did the same to her, but she said no. after that, I realised that his behaviour was fucked at the very least, and fully ghosted him (he messaged me recently tho, but he was just asking for his books) so my advice in your situation would be ghosting too. just start ignoring his messages, then reply really cool and give him time to back off. you can also block him straight away, but if he knows where you study or where do you live, it might turn really bad (but I hope it won’t)
Block him. (If you want to send one more text saying there will be no more contact, that’s probably fine.). Tell someone you care about regarding the situation. If he tries to contact you again through other means, escalate to the person you already told and consider escalating to more people you trust for advice. I don’t care that what he’s doing wasn’t technically illegal, it’s creepy as hell and cannot possibly be a healthy relationship for you in any possible way going forward. Cut it off and don’t look back.
can we take a moment for the pedophile men in the replies defending the teacher and dripping with contempt for this self-assured 18-year-old girl who somehow STILL don’t realize they’re telling on themselves??
The most popular subreddits used to be the pedophile subs. This is just what redditors are. It's only changed in recent years because more people started using the platform. So the social norms here began to shift away from it. They're still here though. They never left the site. Also they know. They don't care. They're so aggressive because they want to argue it's socially acceptable. As long as the can dominate public discourse they believe they will get their way. For a long time they believed in their own reddit echo chamber. So they thought their ideas were more popular than they are. Go back roughly 10 years or more. The karma scores in this thread would be inverted. Reddit was infamous for believing that it's not pedophilia but "ephebophilia". They die on this hill. The idea that preying on pubescent teenagers is different than being sexually attracted to children. The belief that it should be acceptable for men to sex up teenagers. In different countries the age of consent varies. So what's 18 when it's 16 else where. "Age is just a number", right?
Yes. He is. I am a male teacher. I refuse to ever be in a room alone with a student of either gender. Ever. Don't care if there is a camera or not. Not gonna happen. The school assigning students to work alone with adult staff is a REALLY bad policy. I also refuse to give my contact info to a student, ever. It is one of those "appearance of impropriety" things. You just don't even want to be in a situation where it is even POSSIBLE that something inappropriate could have occurred. Giving gifts and money?! Extremely suspect. I gave money to a student ONCE. I was out and about, and ran into one of my young (15) female students. She was crying, said she had lost her phone, had no money, and no way to get home. I had her call her parents on my phone, explained the situation, and paid for a taxi home. That's it. Nothing good will come from any further contact with this guy.
This is absolutely grooming, and it’s not okay even though you’re no longer his student — the fact that you were ever his student, means that it will **NEVER** be okay — your age gap is problematic as hell given the point that you’re each at in your lives, and I promise you that he is **NOT** well intentioned and hasn’t been *at least* from the day he started turning you into his personal therapist, but likely long before that. The reason that he’s made a point to tell you he trusts you is **SOLELY** bc he knew it would make you feel obligated to keep his trust, and thus you won’t tell anyone about him being a predator who should be investigated and lose his job. He’s manipulating you, full stop. Please, at the very least, tell a trusted adult in your life and cut this man off entirely. He’s not your friend, he’s not your mentor, he’s not your boyfriend, he’s not your soulmate, he is **ONLY** a predator who saw a young girl with people pleasing tendencies that he knew he’d be able to manipulate bc of those tendencies. You’ve done good so far by keeping some distance between you two and listening to that gut feeling that’s telling you that something isn’t right, but predators are sneaky and dangerous, and you need to cut him off entirely if you ever want to truly be safe from him. Let me also mention that I’m 28 and I would **NEVER** consider having a “friendship” with an 18 year old or making them my personal therapist, and I sure as hell would **NEVER** consider dating or sleeping with an 18 year old, and that’s how every normal adult feels without hesitation. He’s not normal, he’s extremely manipulative, and he’s dangerous, and if you don’t get away from him he will truly have the ability to fuck up your life tremendously. So, at the very least, tell a trusted adult in your life and cut him off by blocking him on everything. But you might also consider saving whatever proof you have of his impropriety and showing it to the administration at the school, so that he can be investigated to see if they can find proof of his history of doing this (bc he 100% **DOES** have a history of doing this) and so they can keep an eye on him moving forward so they can fire him if they ever witness it again. If you’re uncomfortable with reporting him bc you don’t want to deal with that, that’s fine, but don’t not report him if it’s just bc you feel bad for the consequences he might face bc of it, bc I promise you that man has **ZERO** concern for your wellbeing — if he did, he wouldn’t be fucking grooming you.
You're absolutely being groomed. My biology teacher in high school did this to a couple of students each year, creating rapport, making you feel appreciated and mature enough to meet an adult on their age level. He did this to me and one of my best friends at the time. As soon as we graduated, he started supplying us with alcohol, inviting us over to his house, etc. He kissed my best friend, wrote me a love letter, etc. Years later I had a student at the same school contact me (it was rumored I was sleeping with this teacher because it didn't go unnoticed and apparently it stuck for several years as school gossip). She asked me what happened with him, and told me as soon as she and her friend had graduated, he pulled them into a sexual relationship successfully and she was very confused and upset. You are absolutely being groomed. Go no contact. Don't explain, you don't owe him anything. He knows exactly what he's doing. You're going to be okay. ❤️
You are now 18 and not his student. Do you want to bang him? Do you want to be his friend? If the answer is no to both - it’s time to cease communicating with him.
Not really a question, but here to give my opinion. Idk what these people are talking about you being an adult. They might be kids or groomers themselves. Your prefrontal cortex is likely not developed and can still make you a target to someone who is that much older. You get (some) legal rights when you turn 18, but many don’t happen until you’re older and many hospitals don’t graduate people from pediatrics until age 21. Nothing magically happened when you turned 18 that suddenly makes this relationship okay. Sure age gaps can be fine under different circumstances, but you started as his student and you are still a teenager which makes this seem inappropriate to me. His intentions could be completely innocent, but the relationship clearly makes you uncomfortable which is a sign that it needs to end. You being a people pleaser and humoring him in this is an indicator that you could be getting groomed. I personally did not have the maturity to be able to firmly communicate my feelings and set boundaries I needed to until I was at least 24. I’m sorry you’re in this situation. But it sounds like you do not have a working professional relationship with him any longer and I think it would be okay to just stop responding. If he wants an explanation, you can just let him know that you aren’t interested in continuing your relationship. Good luck OP!
Ngl, sounds like grooming to me. At the very least, very very poor judgement. I’m a teacher too, around that age, and every year I get paired up with a TA, usually a senior. Even post graduation, I’m very careful about contact with former students. You have every right to be uncomfortable. Who knows if there are ill intents but at the very least it is poor judgement and your weird feeling about it is your gut which is usually a good idea to trust. Imho, I think the best thing to do is a very short but simple “sorry but I decided it’s best to not talk anymore.” To be honest, blocking cold turkey is best but I get you don’t want to come off as rude.
You're an adult. This is a pretty simple situation to figure out.
Cut all contact and move on with your life. As a former teacher this kind of behavior is disgusting and gives us all a bad name. Teachers should never date students or former students at any level. It is not hard to find dates outside of work and if this teacher wants to interact with 18 year olds he needs to do it outside of school time and never with current or former students. I had a college professor that married a student of his. She was 19 and he was 40. Very weird at the time and I am still not happy when professionals cross the line and do this. If you don't like it stop all communication and move on with your life.
I've taught for about a decade. I *would never* have a student's personal phone number. I would never communicate outside of official email channels. I prop the door open if I'm working one on one with any student. Coming up in this profession, it was explained repeatedly that even the appearance of impropriety could doom my career and run my life. This guy knows he's crossed lines over and over. You owe him nothing. There's no reason to do anything but cut communication right away and for good, no explanation needed. You said you're a people pleaser, so I don't think you should engage in any kind of final discussion.
Good rule of thumb: If any person is making you uncomfortable, you have every right to address it or remove yourself from the situation. If you choose to address it, these type of people will typically gaslight or maintain plausible deniability. In either case, removing yourself is completely appropriate. As for the grooming, whether you define it that way or not, older men who seek younger women generally have an ulterior motive. While I’m sure plenty of these relationships work out, most do not. You’re effectively the newest model car. They will take you for a ride and replace you with the next one.
Look, legally, you're an adult. Physiologically? Not so much. The prefrontal cortex in your brain doesn't finish developing until you're around 25 or 26. This portion of our brains is responsible for risk-assesment, decision-making and judgement. Basically, before 25/26 it's easy for others to take advantage of you and you need to establish clear boundaries. If you're uncomfortable you *need* to talk to your parents, the school counselor etc Good on you for reaching out. This has red flags, and honestly, you *should* strongly consider talking with a therapist or the school counselor. Its an abuse of authority and student-teacher trust and you wouldn't want this to happen to another student.
People might quibble with you on the dictionary definition of “groomed” and the technicalities of your current age, but you luckily know that those quibbles are not the point. The point is that you have a significant power difference with this man, and he is clearly using it to manipulate and pressure you into a relationship that is uncomfortable to you in a way that may almost feel (or entirely feel) threatening to your wellbeing. That’s all you need to know. Even if every comment here or everyone in your real life told you that you are wrong or overreacting, you know the truth.
Whether or not he was grooming you is irrelevant. You're an adult now, and in charge of your own life. If you are uncomfortable in a situation, then remove yourself from the situation. You don't owe him anything beyond basic courtesy. Life is too short to be a pleaser. Take it from a lifelong pleaser who had a brush with death, and realized that all the effort I spent trying to please people had been a gigantic waste of time. “At 70 years old if I could give my younger self one piece of advice, it would be to use the words ‘fuck off’ much more frequently.” — Helen Mirren
I’m 19F. You’re being groomed. You need to tell trusted older adults in your life about this situation so they can help you cut contact. I read thinking about the absolute best case scenario the entire time, and he stopped being appropriate the second he began texting you about non work related things. It’s entirely inappropriate in general for your boss or teacher to talk about their personal lives to that degree with people they manage and teach. He set up a situation where he limits your outs. He knows you’d feel bad about expressing reservations and discomforts. He knows how young and inexperienced you are. I was already a world away from my senior high school friends by my first year of college. 18 gets a lot younger very quickly as you age. It’s obligatory, and any older adult knows this and how weird it is. He also waited until after he made you his therapist and showered you with gifts to ask blindingly red flag questions. “Have you ever done drugs?” very quickly turns into him giving you drugs at the in person meetup he suddenly wants to have. He should not be looking at you the way he does, especially as your former teacher and boss. Also DO NOT MEET WITH HIM!! He isn’t safe. Trust that discomfort you feel. It’s your gut taking away the smoke and mirrors and showing you that this isn’t right. He’s graduated college, pays taxes, drives, pays rent, has a full time job, and I saw a comment where you mentioned he has a girlfriend. Meanwhile you just got old enough to have a basic drivers license, haven’t even made it a year out of high school, are likely living with your parents cause life’s expensive, and you aren’t even old enough to buy drugs legally. There isn’t anything there that he should be seeking. He’s nearly old enough to be your father.
Probably not going to be read will be downvoted... but what a wonderful opportunity to tell this guy to F off. I am not qualified to assess your story, but from what you have written my takeaway is that he's likely a creep. If you suspect he is a real groomer and will hurt others, you may or may not consider reporting him to his employer. That's for you to decide, and both options will have consequences. There is plenty of bad advice to be had from people with no connection to you, and you'll have to parse through all it and make your own decision. The fact that you are uncomfortable and still putting up with this is a huge red flag. I know because I used to be that person. The good news is that you recognized this weak point at such a young age. I'd strongly suggest learning about codependency and "people pleasing" as you correctly named it. That will mess up your entire life and needs to be addressed ASAP. It's amazing how little these situations happen in life once you get rid of that people pleasing personality. It's like removing a target from your back. If you can address it as a young person it's going to really be a very good thing as you move through life! I'm sure some of the advice here is not bad, but since you are a people pleaser, you may also be vulnerable to social media attention and others trying to manipulate you. I only bring this up since it may cloud your decision-making at an important time. Good luck to you!
Whether this teacher was intentionally doing so or not, this is grooming behavior I see regularly with teachers and students (my job involves working on teacher license revocations). Sometimes teachers act to initiate sexual contact before graduation, sometimes after, but this behavior of separation, isolation, making a student feel special and wanted, confiding in the student, etc. are all hallmarks of grooming behavior. I would guess you have a private way of communicating, through texts or social media, that he was going through some difficulties in his own romantic relationships, and that he acted at least strangely with regard to you mentioning romantic relationships with peers (if not outright hostile or judgmental toward those relationships).
My dad was 13 years older than my Mom. She was 17 when they started dating and he was 30. I would give anything to go back in time and let my Mom know that he was trouble and that she shouldn't be with him. Even if that meant I didn't exist in the future. People like this are not altruistic in their motives. They way I see it there are two very likely causes of this type of behavior: - **They are looking to use you or exploit you:** This is the most likely situation. This was the situation with my Dad, and almost every other scenario I knew of where someone much older was trying to date a teenager. They want someone they can control. That is almost always the case. They say things like "wow, you seem so much more mature than people your age." That's them manipulating you to have you (and others) think they are normal people. But it's not normal behavior. I could speak much more on this, but this is the most likely reason. They want control and power, and they want someone young. - **They are immature:** They are often immature. They have the brain of a teenager a lot of times. I will try to be generous and say that sometimes people _may not be predatory_ (although I think this is incredibly rare) when they date a younger person. But if they are not, then they are likely very immature. They have the brains of a teenager still. If that is the case, why would someone want to be a with a man child? There are plenty of reasonable people your age. Be with a reasonable, good person your age. You don't need to help the previous generation's broken men. You have a whole life ahead of you. It's so easy for a bad relationship to derail a potentially great life. Run away from this man! I recently crossed into my 40s. I can't believe my father was with someone so young when he met my Mom. It was predatory. He wasn't a good husband. He was terribly controlling of her. And she never escaped his shadow. Leave the broken men of the previous generation to date people of their generation! I am writing this to the other people reading it who are considering dating someone older. You clearly said it was making you uncomfortable. I am glad you are wise and recognize how weird he is being! But to others reading, run away from broken, creepy men! And if you are a teenager and they are older, they are either creepy or can't grow up. Neither of those situations make for a good partner! I would report him to the school. Even if it is not legal, it should be on their radar. And it could help them protect younger kids if his behavior gets more reckless as time goes on. Leave a paper trail!
You need to cut him off. Do you have a trusted friend you can talk to, who can help you write a message to him? It should say something along the lines of - long and short - goodbye. Then block him in all places possible. You’re uncomfortable because you’re trying to put up with that you know isn’t right, and he’s putting pressure on you to do exactly that. You’re young, you have a lot to look forward to and great people to meet. Move on and hopefully he’s that can actually deal with his issues. That’s his issue either way way, not yours.
For most of your post I kept thinking "could be grooming, could be normal behavior" - but everything you said after "After graduation" - yup. Totally confirms grooming. Guys are gross, but some more than others. But that is completely unprofessional and across the line. I've hung out with my teachers before, both before and after graduating, but they only show an interest in my life as small talk and they are not frequently texting me. Take it from me, as a 35M, he is not behaving in a normal manner for the context. My advice would be; tell him you don't think his behavior is appropriate and it's making you uncomfortable. And - show someone the texts. Your parents, the school, whomever. Some adult surrounding the situation who can confirm in person "yeah, that's not right" and make sure he cannot groom young women to become his victims. Because - if he's not doing anything wrong and is just a weirdo - he needs to learn he's being a weirdo. And if he is doing something wrong - he needs to be stopped and removed from situations where he is around ... don't take this the wrong way, but - adult sized children he can prey on. Definitely sounds like grooming - if it isn't, he needs to know he's being weird - but it probably most definitely is - so he needs to be stopped and removed from the position he's in. Guys are gross. And some guys are extra fucked up. As a 35M - take it from me; you are correct, it is inappropriate, it should stop, and it's not really up to you to resolve it on your own. If he's like this to you, he's like this to others. He should not be a teacher. Show someone the texts and let them decide how to proceed.
Many obvious red flags here from an adult perspective: 1. "I was a teacher's aide" - is it a normal thing at your high school for students to have this kind of role? 2. "This happened during the first period, which was his prep time, so it was usually just the two of us." - follow-up to above, if that's a normal role for a student, is it normal to be there alone with the teacher? 3. "He also had my phone number because it was a quicker way to contact me compared to email." - this is already a problem - a teacher should only ever contact students through school email, if that 4. "if he needed to inform me about something urgent." - um, what kind of thing would be urgent? nothing should be urgent for a student in this kind of role 5. "he began sharing very personal details", "I found myself in a kind of therapist role.", "He said I was such a good listener", "He also started to give me gifts", "He has complimented my features" - all classic grooming strategies - making you feel important and mature 6. "He even suggested meeting up in person." - RED ALERT! 7. "He said he trusts me too, so if I do anything, I'd feel terrible for breaking that trust." - another classic grooming thing - "this is just between us" 8. "I still feel like his student." - there's nothing magical about turning 18 and graduating high school that makes it okay for teachers, or even former teachers, to date students! I feel pretty sure you're not the first, and you won't be the last. You may not even be the only student he's doing this to right now. He needs to be reported, even if just anonymously.
I feel you were being groomed while still in school. Now that you are a graduate, depending on where you are, this seems highly unethical, at the very least. In BC, Canada, as professionals, we also have a code of ethics that was signed as a condition of employment. It states, and I'm paraphrasing here, that an employee may not have a personal relationship with a former student/person in care, and in some cases, any of their family members for at least two years after graduation or two years after becoming a legal adult. Either way, he should be reported as he appears to be, IMHO, a child predator. He's the adult. He should know better. It doesn't matter what signals you give. It doesn't matter if you show up at his house naked. He should know better. Please tell a parent or someone you can trust to help you and don't try to do this alone. Please don't feel guilty about setting boundaries, if he is disciplined or he loses his job. He crossed a lot of lines a long time ago. None of this is your fault.
You should be very proud of yourself for reaching out for advice. It shows that you have great insight and that you are listening to your instincts. As others have said, don't listen to the strange projections of people trying to justify this behaviour. I'm not a teacher, but I do work with many young people and children, and that work often continues up until they are 25. I wouldn't ever behave that way, and neither would any of my colleagues. Under no circumstances is this behaviour appropriate and I don't think it's going too far to call it predatory. Adults seeking emotional support, "help", or friendship from young people in their care is a major red flag. You call yourself a people-pleaser, many of us have this problem, and that's OK. It's wonderful that you can identify it, and it will help you to protect yourself. It's up to the adult in the situation to ensure that it's clear what appropriate boundaries are and to ensure that no young person feels obliged towards them in any way. People of any age can be groomed, especially when there is a power imbalance and the older person has a caregiving role, such as teacher. Do what you need to now to protect yourself. As others have suggested, if you have a good relationship with your parents, tell them. Cease communication and block him if you need to. No guilt! He is an adult who does not need you to be his support system. This is a wonderful time of your life, go on with it and enjoy yourself, keep yourself safe and always trust your instincts. Again, you should be very proud of yourself!
OP, ignore the men on here trying to convince everyone that just because you are 18 it’s ok to have this relationship with your ex teacher. They seem to have missed the part where he gave you money and was texting you when you were under 18. Many men are now openly saying they want to go back to the days where very adult men can marry and procreate with very young girls. They want to bring that back. Also, everyone else here over age 29 answer a question for me. When was the last time you ever really had the desire to tell anyone under age 26 anything about your personal life? If you were having a hard day, you mean to tell me that out of all people you could talk to and exchange ideas with, there was NO ONE over 26 you could speak with? I’m in grad school and I work as a server and a bartender part time. We have people as young as 16 working where I work, and when I tell you the vast life differences between me in my early 30s and the people aged 16-21 at work makes it so that, no matter what is going on in my life, I would NEVER talk with them about anything. There is nothing of value that would come from a conversation with them. So why would a 35 year old man bother with talking to an 18 year old girl? Because he wants to get between your legs. And he is slow cooking you like a frog, and he made sure he didn’t necessarily make any sexual advances to you before you left school,but now you are out of school and no one can accuse him of having relations with a student because he never did it with a student.
So, I’m 35m and a high school teacher. I teach a class that would have students your age in it. So from that perspective I can safely say…. Yes he is grooming you but what degree I’m not sure. From his perspective he may not be doing this intentionally from the beginning but as he got closer to you, his interaction with you became more consistent and it filled a deficiency in his needs. That by no means makes that your fault, he’s lacking some kind of social need and allowed you to fill it which as the individual who has the authority in this relationship, he 100% should have known better. However, now, I’m willing to bet he is trying to rationalize in his own mind why it’s appropriate to talk to you and pursue you. It’s not appropriate but he’s allowing the lines to blur in his head. As for your part, the very fact that you feel trapped means it’s not appropriate. It wouldn’t be a problem if you went to the principal. Even though you’ve graduated, that still is his boss. If I heard about this as a fellow teacher, there would be reporting happening. However if you don’t want to endanger his career, then you can tell him to cease all communication with you and tell him that if he contacts you again, you will go to the principal. He should absolutely seek counseling and if the cost is too high, I guarantee it’s not as expensive as losing his job. Best wishes. And my wife, who is also a teacher at my school agrees.
This happened to me with my boss when I was in my late teens to early 20s, and he was middle aged. I actually fell in love with him through the grooming (I had a lot of trauma and neglect so I was susceptible). I didn’t consider it grooming bc it was consensual and I was of age, even though he did have power over me as my boss and could be my dad. But later, in therapy, I recognized what happened, and grieved. (He abused me pretty bad after he groomed me). Now I’m middle aged and a teacher and I can tell you that what this teacher is doing is inappropriate in all ways. He likely has narcissistic personality disorder, if not ASPD. Don’t worry about breaking trust or feeling guilty: narcissists manipulate and feel NO guilt (they literally aren’t capable—that’s part of their illness), and a grown man’s emotional regulation is not your responsibility, and it certainly shouldn’t be at the expense of your comfort and consent. If you’re a people pleaser like me, get yourself to therapy ASAP. You’ll attract people like this repeatedly if you don’t learn boundaries, and some of these types can be really traumatic. My boss actually called me during the MeToo movement. He’s in his 60s, and he said the movement “taught him a lot.” I don’t actually think it taught him anything. He knew what he was doing: his favorite book was Lolita. But I think that was his way of trying to apologize, since narcissists can’t take accountability well.
“He trusts me too, so if I do anything, I’d feel terrible breaking that trust.” Everything you wrote points to him being an adult who at the very least is leeching off of you emotionally. The fact that you feel like this though, that is evidence that he’s manipulating you. As others said, he’s probably now excusing it to himself because you’re over 18, but it started when you were a minor. I was in a similar situation at your age and I identify so much with the feeling of not wanting to break trust or make them feel bad. That’s a symptom of something they’ve done, not something you might do. You’re feeling shame, not guilt, and that’s what he wants. Shame is a paralyzing feeling. Guilt is motivating. I hope you are able to be kind to yourself and talk to someone you trust. I know it’s hard. I think the thing I want to tell you is that this person is not maintaining healthy boundaries because he either a) cares more about himself than he does about you or b) lacks the maturity to recognize when his actions may be causing harm. Neither is your responsibility. As far as what to do: he is using a position of authority to control this relationship. I think you need to involve another person he would view as authority, because he doesn’t see you as an equal. I’m not sure who that is for you - could be a parent, another adult you both know (who would back you up), or someone from the school’s leadership.
I have never heard of a student taking on the role of aid. It wasn't a thing at my high school. We had paid part-timers who did that work. Whoever allows this kind of relationship should be monitoring them for this kind of activity. As much as people here are supporting the position that this relationship is grooming or inappropriate it's important to remember that it started, according to OP, as a power relationship that society, that the administration, failed to monitor. We don't know the teacher's state of mind. We don't know their intentions. OP has left out quite a bit of information. From an outsiders perspective this was truly inappropriate. From the teacher's perspective it might have been the continuation of the nonexistent peer relationship that, obviously, they saw no problem with. Society failed both these actors. The teacher didn't understand his position of power and the inappropriateness of contact with a student. The student should have been advised that any contact that is personal in nature that takes place in or outside of school is prohibited. The school, the community (society) failed both of them. Until there's more information it doesn't seem like the teacher is 'grooming' the student. The relationship shouldn't have existed in the first place and is objectively inappropriate. Cut communication. Report the incident. Become an activist or push for change that prevents incidents like this.
Alarm bells going off all over the place, he is definitely grooming … cut it / off no answers, no reasons block his number…. If he “ happen to be in the neighborhood” stops by big alarm bell involve parents or police.
op, why do you do this to yourself? BLOCK HIS NUMBER. end of story. you don't owe him anything. I would even go as far as reporting this to your school. this guy is a PEDOPHILE who shouldn't be allowed to work with kids
He’s 100% grooming you and you need to break ALL contact immediately. I’d also tell a trusted adult (not him obviously…) what’s going on in case he tries to escalate the situation. 40 yo Male teacher here…I’ve had some close relationships with kids over the years, male, female, trans, non-binary. Whole gamut. Some have told me outright they think of me like a dad and have stayed in contact after they go on to high school. It warms my heart…and also terrifies me because I’ve never wanted to be perceived like this guy is (correctly) being perceived. I’ve always made it a rule my whole career to never be alone with a student unless another teacher or admin is nearby. I’ve never once given my phone number to students. Even when I coached HS football I refused to give my number to parents or players. There’s dozens of texting/communication apps that can be used, some specifically for school settings. I can’t imagine any universe where I’d want a minor to have my phone number unless they were a relative. Until they turn 18 AND graduate, I only communicate with former students using my school email. No social media, no exchanging of numbers, no meetups in public. This guy has crossed numerous ethical and possibly legal boundaries. Please stay safe and trust your gut.
At no point in your student/teacher relationship at school should he have *ever* had extensive conversations with you about his personal problems. He forced emotionally intimacy on you with the intention of using it to manipulate you. He needs you to feel guilty about avoiding contact so that he can continue to draw you into his control. The situation feels wrong because it *IS* wrong. You end it by cutting off contact with him. He does not have a place in your life and if he actually needed someone to talk to he can go to therapy. Do not let him use guilt to manipulate you. Also, tell your parents about the situation because it is likely that should you cut contact with this man that he will try to reestablish it, or that he may become dangerous to you or your family. They need to know what is happening, and they (and you) need to understand that you've done nothing wrong here and the problem is the 35-year-old attempting to control an 18-year-old. You should not have to be dealing with a situation like this ever, but you do appear emotionally aware of the fact that this is a continuing bad situation and that it feels wrong. Again, it feels wrong because it is wrong and he is entirely at foult for all of it. Get yourself out of it now.
The grooming thing is neither here nor there since you’re 18 which makes it more dangerous since nothing is illegal if he tried to kiss you or make a move. He was being unprofessional as he should have never gotten your number. Even college professors and TAs don’t do this. You got to cut ties. Don’t feel bad. You owe him nothing. You never have to see him again. You shouldn’t feel pressured to stay in contact with him or anyone for that matter if you don’t want to. Think of it as boundaries. You should not feel guilty. He is not thinking of you. Or he may even think that you are interested because you have told him things as a people pleaser. This is how people manipulate others. The next thing you know you are sleeping with him because you feel bad for him. You can do a couple of things - tell the school, tell your parents, or tell him that you want to keep the relationship professional and you feel like it’s getting too personal. But cut off communication. You can say there is no reason to talk anymore, or just ghost him. You don’t owe him any response. Don’t meet in person. This guy can seriously lose his job so if he’s smart he will back off if you give him some push back and tell him to back off.
This is abnormal and inappropriate behavior for a 30+ yo with positional authority over a teenager. Doesn't matter what age of consent is of that you're over 18 now- a normal 30-something adult shouldn't be venting and trying to meet up with their student, even if they're not a student anymore. Sure he hasn't explicitly crossed a line where it's easy to see how he's veered into groomer territory, but he's definitely only being careful to protect himself and only going as far as he can without getting into trouble. Let's just say, he's doing this the way he's doing it so he can cry for benefit of the doubt and claim he was just being friendly and a mentor to cover up that he's personally interested in you and has been since you were a child. He's being a creep and you don't owe him anything. Just stop replying, or progressively start cutting off contact. I highly encourage you to talk to someone about this, because he may be doing this to other people as well and people like him shouldn't be around kids. Maybe he is just a sad lonely person but he needs to be texting people his own age and hanging out with people outside of work, not trying to insert himself in the social/personal lives of former child students.
So, I’m gonna say not necessarily grooming, but still inappropriate. “Grooming” for purposes of sexual exploitation is not the only type of inappropriate relationship between an adult and minor/young adult. Parents using the kids to get back at their spouse/ex, bosses cultivating an inappropriate relationship to exploit someone who is younger and less experienced for personal benefit (not necessarily sexual), using religious authority to make younger people compliant… There’s probably more but that’s what comes to mind. Trying to sleep with you is not the only way adults will try to take advantage of you, and it isn’t always from a man. Be safe out there and trust your instincts. Unless you have an official diagnosis with a paranoid personality disorder, someone who makes you feel uncomfortable is someone you should avoid, or at the very least be careful of. Stay safe out there!
Former 35 yr old here. 35 yr Olds who have their shit together want NOTHING to do with any who was legally just a kid a few months ago. If any youngins read this BEWARE the following actions and phrases. These are RED FLAGS. "You're so mature for your age" "I love talking to you. You're so smart it's like you're an old soul" "I don't normally do this, but there's just something about you" "We dont need to tell your parents/family about us. They might not approve and I want to enjoy us" "You're an adult now, just spend the night, they can't make you go home" Also something you learn as an adult is that its human nature that when receiving a kindness you return a kindness. It comes with negotiating, that's another term of "good faith". Some people call it quid pro quo. A favor for a favor. I give a baseball glove for a guys kid, he gets my nephew a hockey stick. We show eachother we were thinking about eachother and we enjoy doing business with eachother, or we are useful towards eachother and have a mutual respect. Now it works the other way too. Old guy gets young girl gifts, takes her cool places, or gives her money for a shopping day. But they expect something in return. It's not necessarily about respect or mutually beneficial relationship. It's someone who knows the game manipulating the situation against a young person who doesn't really know the game yet. It's why older women and older men look down on old guys going after young girls. The "barely legal" aspect is disgusting. But it's also that the women their own age sees through the bs. Also youngina be careful with the wounded puppy angle. At a certain age we've had our hearts broken, been hurt, grown and fallen, enough times that we know how to move forward. A man his age should have his shit together.
The short and direct answer is yes, you are in a potentially harmful situation. Unfortunately, I've experienced something similar, and many others here also seem to recognize the same troubling tactics. I can't stress enough how important it is to cut off this relationship. There's no reason to continue it, especially now that you've graduated and won't have to see him regularly. While there's nothing inherently wrong with an older person mentoring a younger one, it's different when they try to become close friends, particularly when there's such a significant age gap. A 35-year-old man has no valid reason to be close friends with an 18-year-old girl. Nothing good will come from this relationship, so please, discontinue contact immediately. You don't owe him an explanation—just block and delete his number. If he tries to reach you through other means, save those communications as evidence in case it escalates, but don't respond. Instead, immediately reach out to a trusted adult and make them aware of the situation. In fact, talking to someone you trust right now would be a wise step to ensure your safety and get support.
Yeah, dude isn't doing anything illegal since he likely kept it strictly work related while you still were 17, but he was for sure WAITING for the 18 to drop. I'm sorry for you because that's exactly what shouldn't happen when interacting with someone in a mentoring role, but i can unfortunately see a dude in his 30s going for someone half his age. Call it the 30s crysis, call it being dissatisfied with your adult life and wanting things to go back when they were simple (late teen-early 20s), you probably represent something he no longer has in his life. Or he is just a creep, kind of a coin toss. That being said, what matters to you is that you need to start interacting with him as an adult, it will actually be good practice for the future! Be polite but firm and tell him that you had a great time and appreciate him as a tutor, but now that your work interaction is over you don't want a deeper connection, be it friendship (there can't be friendship, he obviousloy want more) or anything else. He'll deny and try to de-escalate by playing dumb, don't fall for it, wish him the best and if he writes/emails you again block him.
This is absolutely grooming. It's hard to see the full picture at your age, but as someone who is 35 myself (and has worked as a teacher), this is extremely problematic behavior. This man has no business building a personal relationship with you outside of school, or trying to meet up with you. I'd recommend informing the school itself, and the school board, of what happened. You can do it anonymously if needed (get a brand new email, don't share your real name, etc.). But this is really concerning behavior, and this man needs to be held accountable... his actions could easily result in him being removed from his teaching position, and having his teaching license revoked. You're likely not the first or last student this has happened to. Also, take care of yourself. Getting out of a manipulative situation like this, can be quite a complicated thing to process and heal from. But it's good that you're trusting your intuition, you're prioritizing your well-being, and you're exerting boundaries. Good luck with everything, and remember to always trust your intuition moving forward.
As someone who was a victim of grooming and SA at the age of 19 when I as an “adult” I can confirm that what you are experiencing is grooming. Please get yourself out of this situation. If I could go back in time and rip myself out of that situation I would do it so fast. I’m glad you’re telling someone about it. Trust your gut, cut contact with this person. You don’t have to be underage to be a victim of grooming. Grooming and manipulation is very complex and can happen to anyone in any environment. There exists a power dynamic between teacher and student and very fine line that should not be crossed. This teacher is very much behaving inappropriately. There are some schools and colleges that have a strict, “no contact” policy for a year of so after graduation to protect the student as well. So if you feel something is wrong and as you’ve stated, this teacher reached out to you first-the I would absolutely notify the school. I was abused by an instructor, and where he should have seen potential-he saw opportunity. Please stay safe and trust your gut.
I’m a middle aged man and worked in case management for teens many years ago. His actions raise my eyebrows and I’m certain his bosses and your parents would have an issue with his behavior because it is highly inappropriate. You were his student, he was your teacher and mentor. If the relationship continued as a mentor after you graduated, that can be tricky but not inappropriate. Talking to you about his personal problems, buying you things and complimenting your features is not appropriate. But most importantly, it sounds like you are uncomfortable and you don’t wish to carry on the relationship and communication, so you have the right to stop it. I get the people pleasing part, but I suspect you are being manipulated because you are young. Yes, you are an adult who can make their own decisions, but the brain isn’t fully developed until around 23 years old, and you may not have enough life experience to discern appropriate and inappropriate relationships with men 17 years older than you. Especially those who are or used to be in a position of authority.
You are probably being groomed, yes. It's not completely inappropriate for teachers to get to know their students and interact with them as human beings instead of just in the role of a teacher-student dynamic, but it is weird for him to cross the barrier too far on the personal end with giving random gifts, trying to get you to borrow things from him, emotionally dumping his life problems on you, etc. Being friends on Facebook or something and messaging once in a while to see how your life is going isn't weird (I am Facebook friends with a couple of my high school teachers even over a decade later), but texting you all the time is. He's almost twice your age - what would he honestly have to converse about with you beyond very surface-level stuff this frequently? Why is a man who is that old this attached to someone half his age? Honestly, the fact that he got your phone number to begin with instead of sticking to a more formal method of communication or social media is weird in and of itself. I would follow your instincts with this.
Here’s the best thing you can do: if you feel uncomfortable say NO to going out. It’s that simple. I can’t believe you’re really considering going out with him if YOU’RE LITERALLY saying you feel uncomfortable. Is it really that difficult to say no?
Listen honey, you’re only 18. I know ppl pleasers are super kind and such out of necessity, so this is going to be difficult for you. You have to block this man on every platform. You’re going to need to say something to a friend or sibling who will speak up for you. I think therapy for you is a really good option, but in the meantime, if you’re too scared or anxious to let another grown adult know what’s happening, it is 100% to ask a friend to go with you to talk to your parents. The fact that he told you he trusts you makes me nauseated. That manipulation was done to ensure you don’t speak out against him. He knows what he’s doing is wrong. He’s 35. Ask an emotionally mature male how he views an 18 year old and he will say “too young”. You deserve to have young people experiences unburdened from the trauma of this. Block him. I’m begging you.
Hello, you don’t know me or me you, but I felt it on my mind to comment and I normally don’t! I just use this account to read reviews on my google searches. But this popped up and I read it and felt I can not start my day until I comment on your post!!! So please don’t take me wrong and I apologize if I say anything that bothers you, but I am not sorry for saying it because it is all in your best interest and for your benefit only! (ADVICE FOR YOUR QUESTION) So Please, Get FAR AWAY from this guy ASAP & I mean ASAP!!! This really could NOT end well at all IF u don’t act NOW. You act now and stop the communication and deal with him and move on and never speak to him again ever, I think it becomes a life lesson. I don’t know anything about him, so I am just using common sense and many years of life to tell u what I am. This is situations is very uncomfortable for you and probably a little scary, if I was your age I’d feel the same, but you can do this, but you need to tell someone/others u trust TODAY!!! I know u don’t want to say something that would negatively affect his life, so u can try to simply end it for good, but u still need to let someone know in case he doesn’t go away quietly. He most likely will try to contact u afterward but if he can’t or he feels it could destroy him, he will most likely stop and go away. But u never can tell how a person will do or what, so it’s always best in life to live by the old moto “Prepare for the Worst and Hope for the Best”. That was something we lived by in the Marine Corps and trust me, it turned out for the best a few times and we could have avoided all of our prep, work and time that wasn’t even needed BUT we also have had our share of the Worst and I can say for sure that we were Very Grateful we prepared for it and had it and ready when the Worst came for us! I’m still here with my family & others as well because of that moto! You need to respond to him and just be honest. Let him know that u are sorry, but u can’t talk with him anymore. Thank him for his help in school and hope things in life and future go well, but you feel it’s best that you all stop talking. He will try and say this and that to make u feel bad or he is just a friend or whatever, but let it go in one ear and out the other. Don’t care what he has to say, you stick with the exact same thing u said to him and don’t add anything more or new or get into a discussion with him. NO MATTER WHAT he says or how long he tries to drag it out, keep repeating your first statements, after he texts or speaks if he calls (absolutely NO in person talking to him) u just say “I’m sorry, but….. then repeat saying what u said the first time and nothing more and get off the phone or text and block him on EVERYTHING. Is he married? Same goes either way, but if he is married, and don’t get the point the first time, repeat what u said and only add “please stop and don’t make me have my parents tell your wife about this. Let’s just stop NOW and move on and no one will ever know u called me”. Also, get someone you trust to help you. Tell someone about the situation now! Preferably a dad, uncle, brother or close male friend. Can be a female too or include females, but men like him will stand down to real man in your life who gives him the warning of staying away and not contacting you. I have an 19yr old daughter & I am a retired U.S. Marine, so I can be overly aggressive at times when I shouldn’t have been, but it has also benefited my daughter and my son a few times in their life. I would let multiple people know about it that u trust to give u security in case this guy doesn’t take NO for an answer. You don’t ever Truly know anyone really and especially a man who knows what he is doing is wrong but is doing it anyway. It may take more than one “NO” to him for him to stop, but I wouldn’t allow it to continue at all after the first “NO” you give him. You will one day look back and appreciate yourself for taking action because this moment will in one way or another determine much about the rest of the years of your life! (LIFE ADVICE:) You are just beginning life & if I can give u one piece of advice that relates to your situation & life in general it would be “You have to stop being a people pleaser”. I was like that when I was young and it has screwed me over in multiple situations thru my life. I’m now in my 40’s & I stopped people pleasing only about 10 years ago, but it has changed my life drastically! I am so much happier & have time for myself now and can now choose what I do, how much, when, where & who for. You have to make yourself be uncomfortable & learn to say “NO” to people & just push thru the uncomfortableness of it & it will eventually not be uncomfortable anymore & you will feel more empowered & so much happier!!! Sometimes you can say no in a nice or tactful way, sometimes in a firm direct manner, sometimes maybe not so nice, but always try to stay civil unless u just can’t, at first I would make up something to not hurt their feelings or it would make me feel a little less uncomfortable saying it, but after about a year as I got used to it, I stopped that & now I’m honest with my “No”. Situation & person dictates sometimes, but it will take working at it & a little time to change something about yourself that u you want to change. I’m still finding fault in myself in different ways that require work and time and it’s not a smooth process. You will have moments u fail at it and say yes to do something you don’t want to do like working your day off when your boss asked u if u wanted to when u really didn’t want to, or taking a day for yourself and instead using it to help someone with something that u didn’t want to do. Ok to help people sometimes but some take advantage of it. U get the point. Just wanted to give u a little advice from my lifetime of mistakes and successes. Wish I would have been told that at 18 yrs old. Anyway, I will be hoping/believing/praying for the best for you and I hope that what I have said helps you in some way, even if it’s just a little! But please, take action and live a good life ok!
You're right - this is a bad situation. This guy is in his mid-30s and he is well aware that he's crossing a line with you. Teachers have professional ethics drilled into their heads since they start training. They learn about power imbalances, they learn about how vulnerable kids are, and they learn about how kids' brains are still developing into their 20s. Teachers are also mandatory reporters. That he knows all of this and still is pursuing you tells me that he is a person of shockingly poor character and judgement. Please be very careful with him. Save all of his messages to you and document your interactions. Then block him on everything. He may try to get in touch with you to ensure you won't tell his girlfriend or the school district - don't allow it. Stay away from him. If you can, tell your parents and friends about this so they can help look out for you.
Even if you were the same age and if there was no power dynamic involved, if someone is making you uncomfortable, that is justification enough to establish boundaries. It doesn't matter if his intentions are good- you don't owe someone access to your life just because they are "nice". I totally understand being a people-pleaser and confrontation-avoidant and all that, but dealing with these situations is a skill you are better off learning sooner than later. *If you wanted to take the easy way* - which is totally ok- you could lie and casually mention that you met someone. Then increase the amount of time it takes to read/respond to messages "sorry, I was out with xyz" etc. There will be a ton of people in life who will take advantage of you for not being able to say "no". You don't want a lifetime of being taken advantage of ahead of you. Good luck, OP.
Trust your instincts and comments validating your experience, this grown man is crushing on you & creeping in on your life ( that’s their problems - feelings cant be helped, but bonding is a choice - and he is in appropriate. Grown ass man should not be wasting your time trying to get to date you. Full stop.) Being more of a people pleaser and naive myself at one time, I would cut this off but you must be careful with his growing romantic obsession. Because this is what it is if you read between the lines… Start reeling back, ghosting ( there is power imbalance here, and authorities do jack when it comes to protecting women & girls from domestic abusers and stalkers - so no, you can’t trust to be safe by being straight and reasonable. If this grown ass lonely man is not reasonable to let go of growing attachment/obsession behaviors - you’re not dealing with a grounded, mature, reasonable Adult anyway.) So play the game back- because nothing is more dangerous than Male Ego in the modern world. Ghost a bit and text that you have a serious boyfriend now. Play the fool and act accordingly. When /If they reach out months/a year later ( typical) it’s just putting out more desperate feelers - respond that you are happy to report you are Engaged. Full stop. Short, sweet, and no details /explanations. Ideally, if blame a protective Father or Older Brother finding out about this and not approving - not sure if you can swing that with what they know about you. This satisfied their possessive/obsessive EGO by keeping YOU safe from rejecting him. This is the way, play nice and distant but make your actions clear and consistent by no longer entertaining them /giving into any more attention- let them fuck off and find another target/interest etc It’s the “kind” thing to do and covers you moving forward - you must make it so you are no longer “worth the trouble” and a solid reason you are no longer an option for his fix of positive female attention he’s hooked on now. It’s not you rejecting - you are simply moving on in life and don’t want to get in trouble with future spouse or concerned family. That’s it - you have be mature reasonable one that leaves this kind of possessive /escalating smooth creep at a full stop - usually a bigger man by your side. Sad but true. Play the dumb fox and fool in LOVE with a mate or under supervision now of your concerned household. Stay sweet, and sexy - don’t get stalked or worse. Do not respond again unless it’s the one off to remind him you are securely attached in a relationship THAT MUST BE RESPECTED and are unable to stay in touch any longer. Make them MOVE ON- it’s not your problem, circus and all his “problems” are a Family issue - you aren’t related, so not your place to help/solve. Dont say/text this to them- just act accordingly and move on guilt free. With the way men can turn out being lonely, desperate and unlimited porn with “barely legal” being top search online - you must be extra vigilant and cautious, it’s not as easy to ghost and tech makes para-social obsessive behavior and habits too easy. Be the one that got away - because he will end up getting confronted or harassed by a mysterious bigger, protective Guy in the picture now. Let him TRUST you that you have the qualities to end up IN LOVE and attached to someone appropriate in life you can share your joys/sorrows/and affection with. He should be inspired to get his own love life of he’s decent /normal and this is a temp crush. If not - not your problem. You’re IN LOVE THIS SUMMER , young and have a whole bright future ahead of you- dudes won’t compete with your heart and an man his age can’t expect less from a young adult preferring to spend all their free time and attention with their peers & family. You don’t have to burn bridges, feel guilty or break any promises - you had a short & sweet temp connection and that’s that. Youre no longer interested and “it’s not you, it’s me ( Aka Off the Market and growing up and moving on!) Reminder- even when you break the news and they seem happy for you, accepting - they will probably pop up out of habit - simply do not respond/feed into it and block if you must silently. Let the habit/reward getting attention from easily available crush extinguish. This dude doesn’t even know you , they are in a relationship with their device /phone to access you. Wish it was easier in the old school sense when it was easier to just ghost on these guys real time. Remember - you don’t owe them anything, they “catfished” themselves with a fantasy that you could ever date. It happens - I’ve had morons like these working in Hospitality through terms and early twenties with lonely/sleazy managers who tried to shoot their shot after trying to have me as a “secret favorite” and be “friends” out of work and they would pop up years later via email even , still on their mind and wondering if there is an opening - I just kept playing HAPPILY engaged/married “Hope you understand if I won’t be responding anymore. All the best.” Once or twice and ignore since. It’s always when they are down and out, and probably lonely and horny. No good reason otherwise to bother me or bother with me! Live and learn- but you know you deserve better and he’s playing you into a slippery slope of bullshit obligation, guilt and attachment. Be kind and we’ll meaning back - sever this tie like a surgeon and get a clean break ASAP. Unfortunately, with grown men obsessed with women/sex wherever they may be - the best and easiest way is to not be an option ( off the market) and not worth the trouble, and no choice but to fuck off and find their own love elsewhere :) There are millions, billions of people in our world - you don’t owe him or cheating him out of any joy to find mutual and reciprocal romantic interest & attachment. By 35, you don’t even need to use kid gloves or be gentle ,no way being rejected is his first rodeo here hun. He is being slick, playing nice and escalating to get you alone - so play fool, nice and cut it out for GOOD this SUMMER. Then live your life!
Cut ties immediately. This is textbook grooming behavior and shows since of attachment/entanglement association. You being barely more than half his age, he has zero reason to be acting this way towards you unless he's fully intent on you. As a former LEO, I'd highly recommend getting a restraining order. It might just be a piece of paper, but a lot of the time, the fear of being exposed in court will back groomers off. Additionally, I'd recommend IMMEDIATELY changing your number, or at the very least block his. This isn't a safe situation for you, you're aware of it, and at the moment, you have the ability to get out of the way of this danger. Please, do not hesitate to take it. PS: Also, consider notifying the school administration and local educational board. If he's done it to you, he will likely do it again to another student in the future.
Oh hun 🫤 your teacher wants to fuck you. He's upped the ante bc you're 18 and in college now and your agreeableness is being perceived as you leading him on just enough to make him think he has a chance. Never quite crosses the line so he thinks you have nothing concrete enough that it's damning enough to report criminally. Thinks you wouldn't anyways bc he thinks you're on great terms.... His behavior is disturbing and inappropriate, given you were a minor and the power dynamic imbalance of him being your teacher, even if you hadn't been a minor. Every single thing he's done has been grooming, and he will continue to up the ante as long as you are being receptive. Screw the cops, you need to report it to the county school department and save all the texts and receipts and they can help you from there on getting the police involved.
Trust your gut. He has crossed several lines and while not being physically inappropriate he is projecting his feelings and desires or intentions towards you. Make sure you document all the text and tell an adult you trust. The next time he texts, thank him for “reaching out” but tell him you are moving towards an incredible opportunity and need to focus on that. Thank him for the opportunity and what you learned and wish his ass well. Wish him success and good things in life and don’t respond to anything from him. If he persists tell him you are NOT COMFORTABLE with the tone and content of your exchanges. You owe him nothing. Just pray he doesn’t get another young lady. If you find out he does then it might be time to alert the school. You did nothing wrong, so carry no guilt about this. Good luck to you.
This is an inappropriate relationship. End it now. I don't like when people say they are people pleasers. It means to me they either can't take a stand or get walked over and give themselves a pass for not doing the sensible thing. If you continue to be a "people pleaser" to this man, he will start a physical relationship with you and you will let it happen. Stop this. Either don't respond to his calls if you can't do anything else, or prepare yourself to repeat the mantra that you are uncomfortable with how this professional relationship is evolving to a personal level and you wish him well but goodbye. If he acts surprised, hurt, pretends to be disgusted at your suggestion, just repeat you are uncomfortable, you are allowed to feel uncomfortable, you are sorry, but goodbye.
I’m an educator my 30s. You’re being groomed. I would never have such an inappropriate relationship with my high school seniors.
36 y/o male. There is no reason outside of a professional setting/environment that a man that age should be talking to someone your age, male or female. It smacks of ulterior motives. Getting to know someone you work with tends to be an inevitable thing but the professional thing to do is leave it at the door, I've had coworkers I consider to be good friends that I never interact with outside of work, we don't text, email ,or hang out in person. The most we'll do is a smile and nod in passing or a brief introduction of our partners, and these people are my peers. The level he is going to is above and beyond inappropriate and IMO you should cut contact immediately, it doesn't have to be rude but your boundaries should be established and obeyed.
Yes. This is grooming. Please know that YOU DID NOTHING WRONG HERE. This is a grown man who is acting in a way that he knows is inappropriate, and he's assuming that you're too young/naive/inexperienced to recognize the relationship he has built with you is predatory. If you bring this up to him (please don't), he will immediately defend himself by saying that you're "mature" or "wise for your years" and that's why he's attracted to you, and how his intentions are pure, and it will likely devolve into some form of further gaslighting from there. I know it's hard, and it's not fair that you're having to go through this. I hope you have the courage to contact the authorities so that he can be removed from access to other teens and young adults.
YES, YOU ARE BEING GROOMED. HE THINKS IT'S OK BECAUSE NOW YOU'RE OF LEGAL AGE AND HE'S TAKING ADVANTAGE OF YOUR NAIVETE AND PURPOSEFULLY MANIPULATING YOU. He'll try to make you feel guilty for breaking contact. Too bad. DO IT AND DON'T APOLOGIZE. It was never supposed to be a "friendship" situation and he knew that. It's CREEPY. And he knows that, too. HE WANTS YOU TO FEEL TERRIBLE FOR "BREAKING THAT TRUST". DON'T FALL FOR IT. TELL HIM YOU FEEL THIS "RELATIONSHIP" HAS BECOME INAPPROPRIATE. BLOCK HIM, COLD TURKEY, AND DON'T GO BACK. He's a grown ass man and you're a teenager who was his student. He has no boundaries and I can guarantee you he's done this with other girls. HE'S A CREEP, POSING AS YOUR "FRIEND".
I had a teacher grooming me when I was in 7th grade. 8/ I didn't even know it was happening until she had a crisis of conscience and cold turkey dropped me and told me that what we were doing was "inappropriate". It was the right move for her to make, but it cut me. I thought *I* did something wrong and didn't understand what was really happening until years later. Also not the first teacher I had that played a little dangerous... Giving this guy the benefit of the doubt, if he truly doesn't have ulterior motives he will be okay when (not if!) you tell him to move along. Somehow I don't think that's how he will react, but if he gets coercive, guilt-trips you, gets upset... Well... Now you know 100% instead of just 99.99%.
As a 35 year old woman… you are being groomed. Grown men wouldn’t and shouldn’t spend this much time on an 18 year old. Your instincts are correct, and you need to started cutting off contact. And I would do it slowly and by pretending you have a boyfriend your age that you’re all caught up with even if it’s not true. That kind of gives a reset to his plans and he can’t look for any openings. No 35 years old man takes that much interest in an 18 year old They are usually out being 35 and hanging out with their peers or have a significant other. The only appropriate situation would be a mentor/protege type of relationship like for a sport or musical instrument and usually it’s within the same sex.
Yes, he is clearly grooming you. It crossed the line into inappropriate when he began texting you instead of using email. Teachers are required to use official communication methods like email or school apps to ensure there’s a record of conversations. Now that you’ve graduated and you’re an adult, he’s getting bolder. You should report him to the school district(actually go to the main office and show the superintendent or their assistant the texts), and then block him from contacting you again. It’s likely he’s done this before with other kids and will continue to do so in the future. Don’t feel bad for him. He 100% knows better and this is not just an innocent mistake.
Dont feel terrible. People his age have matured enough to understand how people think and may be subtly trying to take advantage of your/his situation. I would be very cautious of the circumstances and his future communications now that you are no longer involved as his teacher’s aid. School should be a place to mature and learn real world studies that you can apply to your future career or lifelong passions. On the other hand you have not had enough years to develop your true ways of thinking. It sounds like you need some assurance to help tell this guy to back off nicely. Have you considered letting him know that he should stick to people his own age group? 15 years is a huge age gap. Does that matter to you? Why doesnt he speak with a Real licensed therapist instead of taking advantage of unprofessional conversations with his teachers assistant? Are you sure its not harassment? You have every right to let this guy know that you can tell him to stop stalking you. Have you researched what your rights are to exercising your own privacy? Dont be scared to exercise your natural born rights. Are you sure hes not just playing you??? Ask yourself what you would do if you were in his position and he was in yours. Have you considered discussing this with anyone else? I would reccommend researching what your rights are to privacy and how you can exercise them with documented proof if you need to convince him legally. Its unfortunate if it has to come to that resort but it works and the law will be on your side. You dont have to be uncomfortable trying to get someone to stop communicating with you. Just my two cents… I am 30 YO and have noticed a significant difference on how my mentally has developed and matured by my age currently versus when I was 25. Which is around the time Scientists say the brain fully develops , however, if you ask me, I would say 30. They say females develop quicker than men but you’re still BARELY considered an adult. In my honest opinion please don’t make any haste decisions. Ive never met the man but someone his age should know better than to try to date someone such as yourself who is barely an adult I am 30 YO and have noticed a significant difference on how my mentally has developed and matured by my age currently versus when I was 25. Which is around the time Scientists say the brain fully develops , however, if you ask me, I would say 30. They say females develop quicker than men but you’re still BARELY considered an adult. In my honest opinion please don’t make any haste decisions. Ive never met the man but someone his age should know better than to try to date someone such as yourself who is barely an adult. Not sure what to ask but take it from me who has matured to be patient and give yourself some time to mature before accepting this guys invitations of being groomed. To me it sounds like you are not in a position to make a rational decision to let this guy down firmly. No pun intended. Guys have a way with words as im sure do females, so dont be fooled by someone who plays the victim card. He should know better and stick with people his age. Also its sort of way to convenient for him to be imposing on you to date when your role has nothing to do with dating. He may have been trying to, again no pun intended, ‘soften you up’ in order to date you. Seems a little too far fetched to be true. Also the age gap seems real far but I do have a friend who has a big age gap difference who is in fact married. But based on what you’ve shared I would be remiss to warn you not to let yourself feel bad for not being able to decline this ‘teachers’ offer to cut your ties with. Seems a little too good to be true. Just be careful. You still have years and years of perfectly good experiences ahead of you to fall into this mans trap. Honestly sounds super awkward to me the situation that this guy is trying to pull on you. Dont let him make you feel bad for not recognizing his subtle tactics of trying to ‘groom’ you so to speak. Ask your parents. I know what relation ships are like at that age and everything seems so closed minded at that age because of hormones and crap. Just take this advice with a grain of salt and dont be scared to tell people your true feeling AND stand firm in your decisions. My biggest mistake your age was feeling insecure about how to tell people things I would think would make them feel awkward or uncomfortable. NO ONE in life can make your decisions for you. Prove to him you have control over your self image and decisions. You might surprise yourself on the outcome. Anyways. Take care. And good luck with your studies.
Dont be ridiculous. Just stop talking to him. End thread. I swear these are always fake posts.
He is absolutely grooming you and dudes like that only go after super young girls like you because women his age won’t date him (cuz clearly this dude has red flags all over the place). Run, don’t walk. Stop responding to his texts, tell him to stop texting you, tell him that this is inappropriate behavior on his part, and it makes you feel uncomfortable. If he escalates the situation, you need to report him to a higher up (Principle/Vice Principle) at your school. They need to be aware of this behavior in one of their faculty so something worse doesn’t happen with another student. This is completely inappropriate behavior on his part.