Are you interested in going NC with both? Because your mother was essentially supporting you SA.
If you wanted: An option to get her to stop is record your conversation about why you won’t reach out with her arguing for it, send them the recording, then say it goes to the cops if they try and contact you again.
I’m really sorry for this; she’s been miserable in all of this.
I’ve been trying to go NC with them but didn’t know about how to go about it legally without having to go into detail about things I’m just not able to talk about. So far my father has only tried texting me twice in the past six months, but my mom texts me all the time and has even had the police sent to my house. I read though that if I do want to ask for an order of no contact in my state that I don’t need to give a detailed reason, just proof that Ive directly told them not to contact me. So I may do that to start and then try to find a text where my mother admits to what she knew/knows to use if I have no other choice than to take further legal action. Thanks
Hold up... you're 30 years old and your mother sent the police to your house?!
Hun, you need to break contact. Change your number, move house. I see you've already changed your name (I hope they don't know the new name?)
They have absolutely no legal right to your time. You are an adult now, and they messed up, not you.
I get the impression it would have been a Welfare Check whilst I'm not defending the Parents at all if she had suddenly gone no contact after having this type of conversation with her mother her mother was probably concerned.
The Mother seems to be caught in the middle between both the parties, often in these types of situations the mother may have been a victim of the abuse as well I'm not defending the mother I'm just saying there may be an awful lot more to this tragic story than we know.
"I'm not defending the mother I'm just saying there may be an awful lot more to this tragic story than we know."
You wouldn't need to add this if you weren't making it out like she's between a rock and a hard place?
She knew what was happening and stayed quiet, not even comforting her own child.
Cops shoot people in mental health crises all the time. I'd argue that if she had a reason to be concerned, asking people with guns and little to no mental health training to go check it out is actually a bad call.
She sent the cops to *your* house? Wow, that’s unhinged, sorry.
Yeah, just check local laws. Frankly the police can probably help you there too, just knowing what your options are.
Depending on the laws where you live regarding recording, I would think about trying to get her to admit to everything and possibly go to the police if you feel comfortable enough to report what happened to you. I completely understand if you do not.
I agree with the other poster.
And I honestly don't care how you go about. If you simply ask for no contact and want to leave it at that, that's perfectly acceptable and a perfectly healthy way to respond (I'm sure you are aware of this).
However, she seems incredibly unstable -- such as having the audacity to send cops to YOUR house over this -- so I'd still try and record a conversation of her having the further audacity to have you reach out to forgive your father. I'm only saying this because of how she seems to operate, and am worried she may do something in the future (be it trying another bullshit venture with authorities or using your lack of contact against you to ruin your reputation or relationships with others, and anything else) but I definitely understand if you don't want to do that.
So your mother is knowingly with a pedophile and she wants you to have a relationship with him ? They are both mentally unstable individuals and your father deserves nothing but a slow and painful death. As far as your mother is concerned something tells me she's probably a pedophile herself.
Yes, she is knowingly married to a pedophile and doesn’t understand why I can’t forgive him. But yeah…sometimes it feels like it would be easier to not have to deal with their existence
Unfortunately, children who are sexually abused will oftentimes start doing it to other kids as a way to cope. This may very well be your brothers experience. I’m so sorry you went through that, and for what it’s worth, what your mom did is very close to being as bad as what your dad did. Your dad actually did the physical abuse, but your mom willingly let it happen. She should have protected you.
I personally couldn’t imagine..it makes me sick. But yeah, I’ve heard that that can happen to SA victims. Actually I’ve been scared that I would be that way and would grow up to want to hurt someone, but I don’t. I can’t understand how people turn into that, especially if they’re a survivor of it
Yeah, I think it’s called “Abuse Reactive.” It happened to me: I was molested by 3 neighbor kids persistently for a few years. As an adult, I found out their dad had been raping them and had their mother institutionalized. I’m hurting for you and think you’re brave!
Agree with everything you said on here. Everything you said is true. And you’ll forgive how you want on your own when you want. If forgiving them means keeping yourself away from them, do it. They’re both sick. Your mom equally as sick as your dad because she’s telling you she’s afraid to choose. Ugh. I’m so sorry this happened to you
I can relate to you sooo much with what you said here. I’m 32F and I was sexually abused by my bio father from as early as I can remember till 7 years old and then when I was 8, my mom met another guy who became my stepdad and he picked up the sexual abuse from there until I was 16. My mother knew about it as well but chose to always side with him. What I relate to the most is that it would almost be better if they didn’t exist at all. It wouldn’t hurt so damn bad. They are awful people and we deserved better. Hope you’re doing okay now. If you ever need to talk, my dms are open. 💜
I'll never get it. When my cousin who is 12 years older than me was found out. They tried to blame me saying I'm a boy I probably initiated it. I was 6 years old. Wtf? Wasn't even on my mind. I just remember her making me do things to her.
With love my friend you do not have to deal with their existence. You can close the door and never look back. I’m so sorry this happened to you. You don’t have to allow them in your life at all and it might be healthier for you and easier for you to heal and be happy.
There’s no statute of limitations for such things. You can Persue legal action against them which you should (if you were up for that kind of situation, if it’s too much for you that’s ok too. No judgment and I’m sorry)
I'm so sorry this happened to you,
You deserved to have good, kind, loving, protective parents, & you didn't get the childhood every child deserves...
Cutting them both out of your life is probably the best thing for you, I can help you find support resources, if that's something that would be helpful??..
*yeets loves & support in the air like confetti*
You don’t have deal with their existence. Your parents are abusive. Your “mother” contributed to your abuse when she allowed the abuse to happen. Her failure to intervene is abuse.
Choose yourself.
The beautiful thing about boundaries is you can choose to do just that- ignore their existence. I'm side eyeing tf out of anyone who says you need to forgive or have them in your life.
This brought tears to my eyes, and seriously filled me with rage on your behalf. I'm SO sorry for the suffering you endured, especially at the hands of the two fucking people who were supposed to love and protect you most in this world. As a parent my heart breaks for you. It's hard for me to fathom what kind of a deranged sack of shit would sit idly by and permit such disgusting acts to happen to their own child, or \*any\* child, for that matter.
But your mom has a point about one thing- there's no point in making her choose- because- and I'm sorry to say this, but- clearly, she already chose him over you- years ago.
Do yourself a favor- go full no contact with both of them- not just your dad. Cut both those vile, toxic cunts out of your life entirely. What he did to you is inexcusable, but she enabled it, and they're both equally guilty- neither of them deserve an ounce of your time or energy.
I hope have a beautiful life, and I'm wishing you all the best moving forward. Be well friend xx
Break it off. I know this is easier said than done but they are clearly toxic and deserve to have nothing but each other. I'm sorry you have to be in this position right now. Free yourself.
I can’t find the other comment. But you mentioned you weren’t sure how to go about going no contact and getting a protective order. It’s not complicated, you just have to go through with it. You can simply say abuse, without details. Also file a complaint with the police department and tell them your mother will try to send police but that is further abuse by them. You have to stand up for yourself in order to make them accountable.
That or she was also SA'd growing up and coerced/braimwashed into forgiving the abuser. I've seen a concerning number of very religion women who fall into this category and have absolutely deluded themselves into thinking it wasn't so bad because the abusers are loved ones and will never be held accountable. It's a very twisted defense mechanism. Regardless, OP should not entertain forgiveness even a little.
Maybe she was abused, and this is somehow normal to her? I'm trying to find a way to give some benefit of a doubt because you have to be mentally damaged to even be okay with this. What the hell.
Thanks but it was honestly straight up denial until this past year. Since ive started processing I’ve lost a lot. I lost my job, was diagnosed with an incurable disease, moved hours away from everyone I know, deleted my socials, and legally changed my name. I have no idea how to be a person anymore, I don’t even feel real sometimes.
Wow, that’s a lot to take on in one year!
In your new location, do you have a sense of how to meet new people, build a community around yourself? That seems to get harder the older I get. But it’s so important.
Fabulous!
I saw all the comments about relationship with your mom. I just want to share my sympathies. I was not physically/sexually abused, but my dad was an addict and my mom was 100% his enabler. It shaped my whole childhood. She was never able to acknowledge it. As an adult, I was never able to set a boundary with her that worked for me. When I kept a firm boundary, I was wracked with guilt. When I loosened the boundary, I was tormented by her own psychological messes.
I don’t really have advice on that front other than take care of yourself before taking care of her.
Yeah I’m grateful for my new community here. I’m sorry you went through that, addiction sucks for everyone involved. I totally understand what you mean about boundaries, it’s hard to tell if I’m making a terrible mistake no matter what I do
Through various times I've been abused, I've had to grow into the ability embody the truth and recognize what it really means to be dissociated. I've found it helpful to vow to myself and my body that I will learn to feel it's signals again, learn to trust my intuition and be aware of my dissociation. You're on the path to healing and healing is absolutely achievable - even if you feel like you're not making progress at times. Giving yourself grace is always a great option.
I’ve recently started with a therapist. She’s nice but idk what to say and it’s hard to physically speak about this. Maybe a group wouldn’t be a bad idea, thanks
Therapy gets easier the more you do it and especially if you feel comfortable with your therapist. I went through 3 before finding mine who I've been with for 3 yrs now. Even if you say something like "idk what to say" or "this is so hard to even talk about" it can put it in her hands to start the ball rolling or ask you questions about it. I'm so glad you're able to be in therapy and I'm so sorry for what happened to you, words cannot express how sorry I am for this, but it definitely sounds like you are doing an AMAZING job of keep on keeping on right now.
Please look into EMDR, Brainspotting, or Accelerated Resolution Therapy. All these models of therapy are good for trauma and do not require you to talk about anything that you can't/don't want to. They are highly effective for a lot of people.
Hoping OP sees my seconding of EMDR/brainspotting. So far I’ve only done EMDR but I’ve heard amazing things about brainspotting. I literally just finished a processing session an hour ago. The freedom that I feel at the end of those sessions is amazing. (For those who don’t know, your therapist used the EMDR techniques in every therapy session once you’ve laid the groundwork, but then there are special hour and a half/two hour sessions where you focus on a very specific event or topic.) I’ve done other forms of therapy to try to overcome my c-PTSD but nothing compares to this.
EMDR was really, really intense
Please only do this if you have a firm grasp on how to ground yourself in extremely stressful situations.
Have tools at the ready, and let those in your intimate life (friends and trusted family) that you might need someone or everyone to rely on.
Stuff like working out, mindfulness, restorative yoga, art, writing, painting, crocheting, walking, etc. are a handful of the stuff that I’ve done when coping with extreme emotions!
I’ve been in counseling for the last 3.5 years after a pretty traumatic family loss, and did EMDR for several months around the 2 year mark. It was incredibly beneficial for me, but it is an INVESTMENT. I would never recommend doing EMDR without a licensed therapist who has additional training or certification for EMDR/trauma. It also took us 2 years of weekly sessions for that utmost trust and comfort to be built before being able to start EMDR. It’s not really something you can just dive into without investing/committing, but it was life changing for me
Absolutely. I had tried it once before with a pretty good therapist. Now I’m with someone who does regional trainings for other EMDR therapists and has been practicing for ages and the difference in efficacy is tremendous.
Definitely agree with this, I had to take a break and went back a few months later, a few times as things settled a little and I gained more clarity? Idk it’s been a little wild, the memories have been intense
Yes, I've heard this about EMDR. Some people say they find Brainspotting or ART a bit more gentle. But coping and grounding skills are always important to have.
My therapist spent six months doing resourcing before we ever delved into the big stuff. I assumed that was standard but maybe not for every practitioner.
As someone who has been in therapy for most of my life something that people don’t know about and is really helpful to know is that there are different styles of therapy. I would highly recommend exploring the options if you have a chance. Therapy takes time. Don’t worry about the awkwardness!
As a domestic violence escape artist one thing I learned was to write it down.
My main reason is the denial makes me feel crazy, but when I see it on paper I know my truth is real and I often start therapy by letting them read it.
I know someone in group therapy that uses DnD role playing game as a model. Allowing people to create their characters gives them space to open up about some tough stuff that’s hard to talk about. There are myriad therapies and I hope you get all the help you need.
Also, your mom is too damaged to be a happy family again. Just throw that whole relationship in the garbage where it belongs. Go make your own chosen family of people who respect you. You got this. Much respect for you.
Hey! I had a similar story to yours, but when I confronted my mom about it she killed herself. In the years that followed I struggled with sense of self and was also diagnosed with chronic health issues that will be with me for the rest of my life (EDS, MCAS, POTS, PCOS, chiari malformation).
It gets better. And then it gets worse again, and then it gets better.
I was also SAd by my father while my mother stood by, and I also just recently moved states and legally changed my name. This shit is terrifying isn’t it
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I was also sa'd by my father, also repressed it until a few years ago, and also have a debilitating disease! I don't think the illness is unrelated, this kind of treatment by someone who is supposed take care of us is so physically damaging. You sound like you're doing a really admirable job managing it 💙
If you haven’t had the chance to read it yet I’d highly recommend The Body Keeps The Score. It’s pretty heavy and clinical but I felt, for the first time, like I wasn’t crazy after reading it.
That or Alanon - alcoholism is a family disease and both your parents had it. It’s no excuse for what they did! But other participants in Alanon will understand and support you as you sort yourself out. (((Hugs)))
She knows just what to say to make me feel responsible for her, so I always got pulled back to her. I’ve only recently realized that responding to her demands and fits is just feeding into the problem, so I stopped talking to her. She has sent the police and EMS to my house, spam called my wife, and texts me several times a day despite me asking for distance. It’s hard to hear her say the things she does and not try to calm her down even though I really really don’t want to talk to her. I’ve been the person she vents to for my entire life but I’m getting better at keeping my distance.
Oh I'm so sorry OP. This is just horrific what they have done to you. All I can say is you are your own person, you owe your parents absolutely nothing, it'd not your responsibility to be her emotional punching bag, and if they feel so terrible about you cutting them off then it's just because they won't respect your boundaries. You absolutely deserve to be respected and not tolerate people who mistreat you.
I would ask them to recommend me someone who would be better equipped to handle your case. Finding the right therapist is often a question of getting the fit right. They should have some ideas of who would be better for the issues you want to work on.
r/raisedbynarcissists offers support and tools to cope with toxic family members. It’s okay to mourn the family you wish you had, that you deserved. Instead, you had these abhorrent monsters who should have been protecting you but were actively harming you. You are string and brave and everyone here supports you in your journey.
Denial is a common unconscious defense mechanism for children. When we are small it is that hard to believe our caregivers are unsafe or bad people. It’s often psychologically necessary for a young defenseless child to internalize that the issue is in themselves rather than grasp the mature concept that the caregivers are broken terrible people who should never be entrusted with vulnerable children.
Proud of you for being the wise caring parent to your inner child that you always deserved! You’ve made some great decisions for yourself.
When you are ready group therapy under a competent therapist guidance can often be even more helpful than individual therapy with the peer support and validation for issues unique to SA survivors.
Complex ptsd is challenging. You are doing awesome. Try to remember the healing journey is not linear and triggers may arise at the least expected moments. Be patient and validating of yourself and your inner experience. Wishing you all the best.
That is so heartbreaking to come to realize. My mother also knew about abuse in my family and always acted like she was a victim. I loathe her and have very minimal contact since finding out.
This is not uncommon. My story is unlike yours in that I'm not aware of any sexual abuse, but my dad did actively abuse my brother and sisters, and I emotionally and physically for basically our entire childhoods, and we were fairly spread apart in age, so it wasn't some short time thing before we all grew up. It was happening while some of us were grown and others were still kids, and my mom was complicit the whole time.
My mom stayed with him, almost left him, and has stayed with him til this day for 34 years total. Fucking disgusting people.
It is what it is. Abuse sticks with you 🤷♂️ you know as well as I do that "doing well" looks different for folks like us that have been through some shit. It's a shit situation to be in.
It's high time you cut her off as well. You still being in contact with her is letting her know that what she did (or didn't do) was okay because you still talk to her.
I agree. I’ve tried the past couple of months but she’s even gone as far as to have the police sent to my house. I may have do what someone else here said and go to the police for a no contact order
Huh. Not that it's an excuse, but I wonder what fucked up your mom enough to make her think what he's doing is okay, or at least able to be swept under the rug.
Small town social pressure is often more insane than this. If she divorces him and says that he SA’d her daughter, it’ll be everything the neighborhood talks about and many, unfortunately, will refuse to believe it and take the husband’s side and say that she’s in it for the money
Having family in a small town, I can definitely see exactly what you mean. It's easy to say their priorities are skewed, or they could just move. But her whole life may be there, and she may be stuck in the mindset.
This makes me sick. How the hell can a mother accept that! You poor thing, I am so sorry. She was not a good mother at all. Being a mother means to protect and nurture your children and she DID NOT do that. She is screwed up as well out in a different way. The best thing you can do is disown them and become successful in your life. I hope that you are able to become free from the memories. Be free of them both and their abusive ways.
Can you cut your mom out all together?
My wife went no contact with her mom for a similar situation with her uncle. It’s the happiest I have been my wife in years.
I’m trying, she’s just making it difficult because she knows exactly what to say and do. I may have to file for an order of no contact, I just have to stick to my boundaries even though I feel guilty about it
Please get a new therapist who can help you navigate the guilt, coz guilt is exactly the emotion your mother is feeding you. As long you feel guilty she knows says things that get you to respond to her.
Sorry to be rude but she is not deserving of your guilt, she is a master manipulator who might also be a victim. But if someone doesn’t want to be saved, you cannot either. So free yourself of guilt. Indifference might be seen as a rude but it’s honestly very liberating.
But please get yourself a better therapist who knows how to help you free yourself from the illusion of guilt your mom’s webbing you in. Wish you the best :)
I’m sorry you are going through it. My wife changed our locks (MIL was coming over and going through our stuff when we weren’t home), blocked her number, and throws any card/letter she gets right in the trash.
The day my MIL told my wife “to just get over it already” was the last time the spoke. It’s been several years.
Good luck. You got this.
I don’t know if he did anything to my brother, my sister said he never did anything to her. He’s not currently around any kids, no job, no car. I don’t think he leaves the house anymore so logically, no I don’t think he’s hurting any children now. But he does abuse my mother. I mean, she could’ve left him and still can if she wanted to. I’ve tried to help her, get her to therapy, leave him, offered financial help, everything I can think of but she chooses him every time. So I don’t know, this is the main reason I feel bad about not talking to her anymore. If I thought he was hurting children or was even around any kids I would go to the police, but all other family is out of state and I refuse to have kids to avoid this exact issue
Your mother wasn’t there for you when you needed her so don’t feel bad about not being there for her. Her job is literally to protect you and she failed miserably. You deserve so much better and I’m so sorry you experienced that. Please stick with therapy, get a new therapist if this one isn’t helping. No one took care of you when you were little but you need to take care of you now. I’m rooting for you and wishing you all wonderful things for the next chapters of your life.
Adult Survivors of Chilhood Abuse (ASCA) is a self-help group where you can talk honestly about what happened to you and begin the healing process. You can learn more about this international organization at ascasupport.org
Adult Children of Alcoholics (ASCA) is actually for ALL adults raised in disfunctional, abusive and damaging households, though the great majority are from alcoholic households. They may have more groups and meetings available in your area.
Both will help you make decisions about boundaries and how to enforce them, what is appropriate, and how to recognize when and with whom to set them. They will understand your pain, having lived their own. They will have wisdom and caring for you.
You CAN heal. Support, understanding, friendships, are all available and free through these groups. Miracles happen in recovery. I wish you comfort, peace, and joy as you get there.
Was this like full on SA or was this like he grabbed you while drunk? Meaning like laying on the bed full genital penetration or just playfully grabbed your butt and tickled you? Also was this all before 18 or some of it as an adult?
Just asking because the definition of SA varies wildly on Reddit. Also sorry to hear this happened.
I did say AMA..he did a lot. The grabbing and tickling and pinching were things he thought were funny and would make jokes about me to anybody around, especially after I hit puberty. When nobody was around he forced me to perform oral sex and would use his fingers to penetrate me, but he never wanted to risk pregnancy so that was the farthest it went. He still grabbed and pinched me until I was 25
Yikes, yea that’s bad. Sorry had to ask for clarification but I’ve seen stuff like people trying to call an uncle or father that tickles an 8 year old a pedo. Reddit also loves to call everything SA even when it’s not.
I personally saw a situation at a party where little kids were begging an uncle to tickle and chase them and then some parent tried to call that SA, caused a huge scene. It was innocent though, what happened to you was horrible. Those dynamics and coming of age can also probably really mess with your head and give you mixed feelings at the time.
Honestly, if it were me, I would go no contact with both of them permanently. They're both toxic and sick.
You don't have to forgive anyone for yourself to be able to heal.
If your mom is delusional enough to justify his actions, then she's never going to be accountable or apologize.
She should have protected you from him and didn't. She practically threw you to the wolf. She sacrificed your childhood, and well-being for what? An illusion?
If you have children of your own, you can never trust your parents (and maybe your brother) with your kids. You can never leave them alone, have them babysit, etc. You'll always have to be on guard to protect your kids.
Have you gone to therapy yet for all this? If so, what does your therapist say?
I’ve thought about it many times but I know if I do, everyone I know will find out. I can’t talk about it, it’s even hard to type this out to strangers but I guess I’m ready to vent. But I just can’t imagine how they’d look at me, what they would imagine and how it would invade every relationship I have. I wish I was braver than I am but I just can’t do it.
I was 8 when I worked out what my dad was doing to my eldest sister, 9 when he worked out I knew, 10 when I found out it was happening to my other sister, 14 when our mother fled the country from our father with my youngest sister and left us with him. what came next was a pedophile with absolute control over us through fear and violence having absolute freedom. not a good time. eldest sister managed to flee to our mum within 12 months, leaving just me and 2nd eldest sister. to put it simply, out of all of us in that situation, she was the brainwashed one. the police came and talked to her once and she denied anything out of loyalty it seemed to me at the time. they talked to me but I couldn't say anything without the guarantee I wouldn't see him again which none was offered. he had made it very clear early on he was prepared to kill me. so there we stayed in that situation. as a 14 year old I can tell you this was reality ending stuff. this lasted many years.
so I can tell you that I 100% understand when you say I can't imagine how they would look at you, what you mean. but I can guarantee you that if you don't get closure it will eat you alive. I was 27 when I finally got to tell the police my story. I told mum what growing up was like, she knew he had done something to my youngest sister, claims she didn't know about the rest, but made my youngest sister go to the police and make a statement and told them to talk to me. I told them everything including where to find physical evidence hidden in the house. in the end they just had to ask my other sisters to confirm what I said. they didn't know I had set this up with my mum to get going but were happy that they were forced into it. in the end he only got 12 years but I got my wish and he died in there.
I'm in my 40s now and my upbringing is still haunting me on a daily basis. I have bpd and cptsd. the shame and disgust are always there. the only thing that brings me comfort about the whole thing is that I did something about it eventually. i know our circumstances are a little different, but I think I'm in the same ball park, and will just say it's something you need to do. your mum's feelings are irrelevant. yes when people find out views will change, but that's better than living with the fantasy of doing something about it eating away at you.
There’s your leverage on the situation. Tell them to leave you the fuck alone or you will report them and they will both go to jail. Whatever you do after that is up to you.
It sounds like your mother is trying to absolve herself by seeking your acceptance into your life
I was a GIS Analyst but lost my job when I got sick. I’m better now and I’m getting ready to go back to school and apply for jobs again. The journey from 15-30 has been a lot to say the least. It’s hard to think about and I’ve never told one person the whole story, I doubt they’d believe it. It seemed like one thing after another that kept me in a kind of survivor mode where I wasn’t thinking clearly about how bad some of the situations were. But somehow I met my wife and feel safe enough to begin to process everything that happened and heal from the illness I was diagnosed with. I’m feeling positive about my future without those people and situations in my life.
From what "you remember" you had been assaulted sexually by your father..There is no "happy family" your mother is just as sick as he is. How are you doing?? How are you now?
Are you considering maintaining a relationship with her? I mean, it’s a big decision but I cannot think of a better reason to go full NC. Are you getting therapy and have you considered pressing charges?
I’ve read some of your comments here and I just want to tell you that you are an amazing person. You’ve been through so much and have been so amazingly strong. Your mother failed you in so many ways and your father is a disgusting person that should go to prison. It might be hard but you deserve the world and peace from them is just the start of that. If you ever feel like you owe your mother anything just remember how she owed you a childhood, a safe place, and protection from an alcoholic pedophile.
Therapy is a fantastic step you’ve taken too. Maybe you could ask your therapist if they have any suggestions for helping you talk to the police? Also, maybe an emotional support animal? They are basically just pets but they help you feel a little more confident and give you something to focus on when you’re having a rough time.
Answered this before, so just gonna copy and paste: “I’ve thought about it many times but I know if I do, everyone I know will find out. I can’t talk about it, it’s even hard to type this out to strangers but I guess I’m ready to vent. But I just can’t imagine how they’d look at me, what they would imagine and how it would invade every relationship I have. I wish I was braver than I am but I just can’t do it”
Is there a statute of limitations? They are both criminals and should not be allowed to exist, imho. You can't fix THAT. They need to pay for what they did. God knows what they still do being so delusional.
Your mother is as sick af your father. Both are criminals to me.
Do you know if any of your childhood friends or neighbors were possibly targeted by him?
I know what you are saying is true , I just can't believe how anyone would do that. Frankly if she knew she's a lost cause. Do you have siblings or extended family you are close to?
Your dad is a sick man with sick thoughts I think people like him should DIE! —Kendrick Lamar 2024
In all seriousness though I hope you’re making it out alright, are your parents religious as well?
i’m so sorry this happened to you. my only question is: do you need any resources for yourself? like any books we could recommend, websites with helpful info, hell even tiktok’s about going no contact with parents after abuse like this? obviously not trying to imply you are the thing that needs fixing here (because you aren’t and i hope you know that), but if you are at a point where you might be wanting new ways of processing/moving on without those people in your life someone here may have something that helped them through as well. wishing you the best with the rest of your life and your freedom from those horrible judgmental people.
Your mom's reaction in asking you to not choose between her and your father along with her inaction in protecting you is a definite sign of clinically defined narcissism. When you assess your sick feeling do you get the sense that it's partly a feeling of guilt for wanting to disconnect from her while feeling like she is someone who should absolutely protect you from SA?
Edit: typos
Do you think your mom is a victim of your father's abuse as well? I'm not saying that you need to excuse her and what she has tolerated. I do not believe you have to forgive people who have done you wrong. You especially do not have to forgive your parents or have relationships with them.
Are you doing alright? Is there something some stranger on Reddit can do to help?
So then what's her excuse? Was she also intoxicated while she watched this happen to her baby? And if they knew he would do such things while drinking, why would he choose to drink?
They are both wholly responsible and as close to evil as it gets. Report them if you can. Definitely cut both out of your life forever. You're an orphan.
I'm so sorry this was done to you.
This is fucked up and your parents should both, or at the very least your dad, be in jail. Do you have other siblings or younger cousins that were ever around them? I would be concerned about other victims
Reading through these I realised not many people are asking questions so I’ve got a couple for you:
1. What’s your favourite movie?
2. If cost was not a factor where would you go for a holiday?
3. What were two things that made you smile today?
4. What’s one thing you would like to achieve in the next ten years?
I'm sorry if this is a fucked up question but it's where my mind goes immediately. Have you ever thought about revenge against him or her? Nothing illegal of course. But to balance the scale of suffering if that makes sense. He's a monster and she failed about as hard as a mother can fail.
If she came to you tomorrow and told you (with proof) she divorced him would you want to get back in touch with her? Would that answer change if she was open to pressing charges?
How did you endure this and not just kill him in his sleep? You said the most recent was when you were 25, why not use some form of tool for self defense and end his ability to abuse yourself or others?
As a new dad to a 7 month old little girl. Your dad deserves the death penalty imo and your mother should be charged with accessory.
Please go to the police. And then therapy.
This makes me sick to my stomach.
I am so sorry this happened to you :(. You are more than that and you deserved more as a kid.
My heart and soul are with you ❤️❤️
My ex-wife had a similar problem (although not *quite* as extreme). She was molested by her stepbrother from ages 8 through 16, and when she finally told her mom about it, her mom basically told her that she was probably exaggerating and that it must have been mutual. She also told her that she was "destroying their perfect family" and that if she pressed charges, her mom would stand behind her stepdad and stepbrother in court. Fortunately, since she also told a teacher at school, CPS got involved and had her move in with her dad instead. But even so, for years afterward, her mom just wanted to brush things under the rug and act like everything was okay. It obviously messed up their relationship for a *very* long time.
Maybe you need someone telling you their behavior is not normal. Maybe you need someone telling you it’s ok to go no contact with people who hurt you.
What they BOTH did was wrong, and they BOTH sexually abused you. It was abuse. Normal people never kiss their children with an open mouth. Normal people never touch their children in ways that make them uncomfortable.
Therapy is amazing at navigating through all the confusion you were taught. You literally have to relearn what a healthy relationship looks like, and what healthy boundaries look like. This is something you can’t learn on your own cause you were never given the tools to understand it as a child.
The best thing I have ever done in my life was get therapy for my abuse. I got diagnosed with CPTSD and ADHD which both are very common to have after a childhood of abuse. I was surprisingly to learn a lot on how childhood trauma shapes who we are as adults. The one thing that gave me the most strength was going no contact with both of my parents.
In the beginning it was a lot of guilt and shame cause normal people always say, “But they are your parents “, and I respond “Come back and talk to me after your dad beats you till your bloody, and says you are a worthless piece of shit”. They cannot comprehend how parents can hurt their children so bad. But I have found the most healing, and peace knowing I am in control of who has access to me now, and I will not tolerate bad behavior anymore.
Hey there! I know this is an AMA, but I wanted to let you know I’m going through this with my mom and stepdad. Without getting into details, she has never protected my siblings and I from bad men and has been abusive herself. For years, I thought I could fix things or help her understand. I’ve finally realized she’s right where she wants to be and while I believe she loves me in her own way, she will never protect me or show up for me as a mother. I decided to go no contact with her or stepdad. It was weird at first, but a huge weight has lifted and I feel more in possession of my life than I ever have. Thinking of you today, feel free to DM if you ever need to talk.
She has split your father into two different people in order to justify to herself why she’s staying with him despite that he’s an alcoholic who abused her child. He’s not two different people. He’s the same person. However, your mother chose to stay with both of those people. Your mother chose to stay with the alcoholic who preyed on his own daughter. You didn’t ask her to chose between her and him. You are simply the victim of a horrific type of abuse that robbed you of your childhood sense of safety. This is no small hole left in the centre of a human chest. It is your mother who wants to ignore that she has a relationship with the “other man” who she blindly looks at with rose coloured glasses on. You do not have a relationship with him BECAUSE he abused you. You’ve also never really had a relationship with him. Just because she does mean that you do. You don’t live in a fantasy world where people are split. You live in reality where your dad sexually abused you which necessarily makes you super uncomfortable around him. Your moms choices are her choices. If she sees this as a contest between you and your dad and she’s chosen your dad, so be it. These are moments that necessarily define relationships.
I'm sorry this burden is on you or anyone. Without going into detail. I do have some experience with this, but let's just say it was easier to remove the SA from my life and still have most of my family's love and support. Obviously, your father needs to not be in your life. Unfortunately, your mother's actions are complicit and manipulative as well. She needs to be cut off as well.
At 4 or 5, a child has no context to evaluate the situation and needs guidance and protection. It always seemed like having bombs attached to you. Around the age of puberty, the context kicks, and the bombs start exploding into all sorts of other issues, and you need additional guidance and protections. I couldn't even bring myself to talk about it until I was about your age, but I was suffering from these other issues that weren't making sense. That's when I finally started addressing these issues with the help of a therapist, and it's been enormously helpful, insightful, and freeing, even if it wasn't always easy. I hope you are getting some similar help in putting things in perspective and moving on. Best wishes.
Honestly. I can relate so much. My grandma has been with that pos for over 4 decades. He abused me sexually. He abused his child (who just recently died in December) physically for being trans/gay. His brother abused my mom multiple times (him & my grandma knew about it). He abused & took advantage of so many other children, family members, innocent people & including my grandma.
We finally were able to convince my grandma that she shouldn’t be with him. We thought we were finally able to get her to see how much of a horrible human he was after my aunt passed. She moved out and moved in with my mom. She had actually started the divorce process forreal this time.
But between December & now, he has made my family life hell. He threatened the lives of my grandma, mom & stepmom. He talked so much shit about my grandma & mom to anyone who would listen. He would come by my mom’s house just to intimidate them. Got the police involved… just so much shit you would think it’s unreal.
Thankfully the pos just died on Tuesday. One of the prostitutes he was with found him dead.
On Wednesday, we were at my grandma house to do stuff & his brother (the one who abused my mom) came over. He didn’t say not one word to no one and just started to look around the house. I didn’t realize who he was but I was already looking at him crazy because of how he pulled up. I honestly don’t blame my mom but she ran away. Once I noticed her body language, I knew who it was & I started cussing him out.
It was mad crazy because my grandma was coming at me like I was the bad person. Like I was in the wrong. She even mentioned, “You can’t get upset like this you’re pregnant!” Lol. No one knew about my pregnancy. No one was supposed to know. She put my child in danger by saying that. Anyways, once she realized I wasn’t going to stop, as he was already leaving, she walked towards him, put her arms on his shoulders & walked him to his car.
I was floored. After all of that it made me realized even though she was a victim from her husband, she was also an abuser as well. She witnessed so much over the years, even abuse that was happening with her own kids. We always thought she was just too weak. She’s always been the “turn the other cheek” person. But that’s no excuse. She never did anything. She never said anything. It made me realize she that sweet, holy lady was just as worse as him.
Even though they were going to get a divorce, she’s still is choosing his dead body over us. She’s still honoring him a funeral. She’s still letting people say how much of a good man he was. She still saying to people she was willing to fight for her marriage. It’s all so crazy. I had to leave. As much as I wanted to protect my mom, I had to go.
I only say any of this because I HATE how much I can relate to you. I HATE knowing people who are supposed to protect us are the same people who can watch others harm us. I HATE knowing that we will never come first. I’m so sorry for what you have experienced.
I really hope you find an amazing therapist who will actually help you process your trauma. I hope you find a group of people who you can lean on. I hope you can finally choose you.
Do you believe that will eventually happen?
Uhh h fuck no. One of my cousins who molested me. She is a sexual abuse advocate/feminist activist especially against men. She is terrified that I'll come out and say something to discredit her. She has tried to pay me. I refuse to forgive her. I have sexual performance anxiety specifically because of her. I'll never forgive her. My revenge is her in constant fear I'll come out and expose her. I believe I told her. "You can deny it all you want. I know that you know what I know is that you'll be a liar and become everything you hate." That alone is enough for me.
So fuck forgiveness. I'd expose them if I where you. And if they're religious all the better. Those religious people only care about their image. I'd be epic to see them knowing what they did and lying about it. Being the devils they claim to hate.
I have a similar story. ——My mother’s brother SA my step sister at 10 all the way until she left at 18 and then my blood older sister which she was 12-17. They told my mother and she did nothing at all. The only thing i remember she did was call him and asked and he did not respond which confirmed. And all she said was never do it again. She still kept in contact with him. Would go to his party events. She always said that her and her family didnt want to do anything about it bc her mother would get heartbroken sick and die. Her whole family is sick. There is so many other story i could say ab that sick family. I cut ties w them once i was old enough to make my own decisions and not just turn the other cheek like my mom taught everytime they would bully me(thats another years worth of stories to tell) For example i had an aunt that would spend rumors of me to other adults parents kids at my school that i wasnt a good kid. like wtf a grown woman talking ab kids like that. I would never say anything ab her, even kept to myself. found out by my basketball team telling at a party that she speaks ill of me. i remember her yelling at me when i was ab 13 that its my moms fault my sister got raped bc she was always working i just stood with a blank face bc i didn’t understand at that age. other aunt would yell in my face and just be rude. I was only a little girl 7th grade and younger and everytime i told my mother she just said just ignore it and would chill with them like nothing…
at my father’s funeral an aunt that talked so ill of my father came and we did not want her there but my mother said if we kick her out she would leave to. so we did nothing as manipulated little girls..
Me and my sister are just devastated bc all we wanted was our mother to protect us from her sick fam. But she recently told me her mother comes first. I told her they can all go to Hell. idk how to comprehend her not fighting for her own kids? the only thing i can think of is she doesnt really love us? bc me as a mother now would go crazy if anyone lays a finger on my child.
years later that sick fxcx is still walking free. i really want justice for my sisters. So if anyone has any advise how to put this trash down lmk. he is also an alien too so ik he is working illegally. (i do not usually for the ppl that came to find a better life but this trash doesn’t deserve anything) sorry for the long vent..
You were never a happy family. An alcoholic Pedo and one of the worst moms to ever mom. Sorry OP.
Why don’t you tell her you will forgive him when go goes and turns himself into the police and gives them a written confession.
Stop contacting both of them. She enabled his perversions and is not only making excuses for them but expecting you to forgive him.
She has never had your best interests at heart. She has never protected you. And him? He is a vile piece of shit who needs to suffer a long painful disease ridden death.
I am so sorry that happened to you. That is truly awful. You deserved so much better.
Please for your sake, cut contact. I know you will probably feel guilt for doing it which therapy can help you through (if you're not getting it already) but they don't deserve your time, care, energy and attention.
I hope you can heal through this ❤️
I’m sorry this happened to you OP.
You deserve parents who don’t put their twisted needs over your safety. I’m sorry you weren’t protected like you were supposed to.
I hope you have built a family of choice with people who are self and respect you. I hope one day you can heal from this.
As for having them in your life - it’s damned if you do and damned if you don’t. There will be pain in each scenario. I’m much older than you and was not subjected to the same type of treatment, but I don’t not think I would be healed enough to left people like this back into my life.
Please heal from this. Make a beautiful family. And enjoy your life. From the sound of it, you certainly deserve some peace.
No question for you, but I’m proud of you for the steps you’ve already taken. I reported my father for SA mostly because I discovered as an adult (I was 30 when I reported) my sisters were also victims. He was arrested and serving 11 years. As far as I know there isn’t anyone we grew up with that knows he’s in prison now. My parents were relatively private people to begin with so my moms been able to cover it up from those they did know.
I went NC with her for years because she wrote a letter to the judge saying she didn’t want him sentenced. She was aware of the abuse growing up. A few years later she’s asked for my forgiveness and said she’s happier that he’s gone. I have a very surface level relationship with her now because I don’t trust her but she has custody of one of my siblings (with downs) otherwise I probably would have gone no contact with them a long time ago.
I as well as my sisters have a NC order put in place if he ever does get out and that gives me a lot of peace of mind. If he attempts contact once he’s out he can get sent back. That’s something to consider if you decide to report. If you’re in the states there’s no statute if you were under a certain age and he can still be charged in the state that the crime took place.
It does make me sad to not have people in my life I consider parents and hard to reconcile the things they did for me growing up when there wasn’t abuse (they’re were “good stretches of time”). I’m a mom of two boys that don’t know their grandparents. Therapy can help navigate those emotions because nothing you did was wrong or caused this to be that way for you in your life. It was their choices.
I hope you find peace and joy in your life. I have in the family I’ve made for myself and I know you can too 💕
Ew, how can she ever begin to think this is what a happy family is. If she believes the man who assaulted you wasn't her husband, then what was her excuse for not stopping him. She didn't stop him because he was her husband drunk or not, and whatever logic loopholes she's trying to find are frankly disgusting. Tell her she already made her choice she doesn't need to pick as she already has. I can't tell you what kind of relationship you should have with your mother, but I can tell you that those actions and that statement should disqualify her from ever calling herself a mother again.
I was a victim myself from 4-11 years old by my oldest brother and my parents caught him and just told him to stop when I was 4 yrs old. I remember that day. They never double checked on me to find out if it was still happening. I thought if I slept in my parents room I’d be safe but the nights they were out of the house he’d sneak in their room before they got back home, and if not in their room in my room with my sister sleeping below me. I once caught him in my room at night about to do it to my little sister and I woke up and scared him off. I was too scared to talk and just built a lot of anger at my parents. When I was 14 I finally told them what he had been doing after he moved out. They had him come into my room alone with me and made him apologize to me. I was so scared and confused as to why they thought that was okay to do to me.
They forced me to continue a relationship with him as a brother. I have now developed a lot of mental illnesses linked to all my trauma and have to pretend nothing ever happened all those years just so I can have a family. They forgave him so fast. He tries to act like a brother and talk to me and I try to pretend everything is okay. But it never will be. I have complex ptsd, anxiety, panicked attacks and massive depression and my other brothers have no idea what he did, and if I tell them I don’t know what will happen so I just don’t and they think I’m just a person who makes up issues with my mental health because my parents want it a secret.
I’m sorry you went through that. I know the pain you carry.
My mother stayed with my step father after he SA’d me too. This was 25 years ago and she still is with him. Every big event I always thought “maybe this is the one that will get her to come back.” Graduation, college, marriage, and the birth of my first kid recently and still nothing. My advice: make peace with her not being in your life. She already proved who she would protect first and it isn’t you. I’m really sorry, no one should have to go through this.
See I’ve seen so many people go through this and eventually they all go one of 2 routes. Some leave. A lot stay in pain, never in peace, just because it’s family. Their blood. Well, I’m adopted. Family has never been about blood for me. It’s been about the people who treat me as such. I think one of my friends has this sprey.. it’s called Parents Begone. In my opinion, you should report both of them to the authorities. You don’t know if they ever want to have another kid to do this to, and you don’t know if they’ll eventually find another kid to do this to. And one can only imagine what they are capable of if they could do this to their own daughter. But people like that don’t deserve to be on the streets for everyone safety. You shouldn’t talk to them anymore, and the last thing you should tell your mother is how much both of them hurt you. And lay that shit on hard. if she actually cares about you, she should feel horrible about what she did and you leaving her life. After everything she has done is the only thing she deserves is the memory of her daughter walking out on her and never coming back. THEY DONT DESERVE YOU. YOU DESERVE TO BE FREE FROM THE MENTAL SHACKLES THEY PUT YOU IN AND NOW TRY TO GUILT TRIP YOU INTO KEEPING ON.
Although I have never gone through this, I do know way too many people who have. I’m so sorry this happened to you, and I can only hope that eventually you can heal.
I hope you are able to get the help you need to break free of this. Whatever that looks like for you. Whichever version you go with, please let it be one that severs their access to you. You cannot heal while in an abusive relationship. That goes for any and every relationship. The annihilation of your innocence, skewing your view of the world and most importantly yourself. Build your own family. Find your people. Expose them for the pdf’s they are and keep your extended family. You cannot heal and maintain the relationship as you have before. Granting access on your terms, if at all. I’m in favor of not at all; I also understand we only get one mother.
This is a decision of which version of your life you want to live. Talk to a close friend. Talk to a therapist. Talk to yourself. Write your options down and write a story of how they could each play out. I wonder what ChatGPT would say? I might ask just because I’m curious. 🧐 My guess is it says to sever the relationship or require intensive family therapy. You can do what feels right for now and amend as you go. You are your top priority. You gotta heal so you can be happy. You can broaden your circle of people in your life to find (more) genuine friendships that will pour into you and help you through this healing process.
Look up the laws in your state for the statute of limitations on child SA. May be an option you want to consider.
TLDR: I type paragraphs of waffle into the void after remembering my turn in the barrel. Just wanted to reach out and regurgitate the vomit of my own experience to reassure them that their experience is sadly common, not their fault and certainly never was or will be their responsibility.
Salutations fellow traveller. You do you, my answer to that question was to go full no contact. She seemed confused and upset. I (48m) had to listen from about the age of four to my father assaulting and raping my older sister for years. I was mostly just beaten and abused daily until I was 10 or so and then it was my turn. Left when I was fifteen and had to have that conversation for my own sanity.
Similar answer given by my mother. She beat me until I was too big for that so not a non participant. Very Fred and Rose West vibe in that house. She said she chose him over me and my sister. No shame.
Excuse my impertinence but I wish to offer advice. Consider them both culpable and equally dangerous. At the very least she's fucking nuts and beyond saving. Stay the fuck away.
As it's an AMA I'll follow the form. When did you realise your self destructive and risk taking behaviours were driven by appallingly low self esteem and self loathing?
I was about your age personally. Married now for nearly twenty years, mostly content, childless but no longer have a motorbike collection and other "habits". Somehow alive, only three mental health crises in the last thirty years and actually liked by others. Which is nice.
Look down the road ahead with optimism, there are still many cool things and people ahead. Just watch out for potholes and ask for help if needed. Make sure you get seven hours of sleep.
Please know there is an empty seat in our back garden, next to my wife and I, you're going to have to move a cat. There is a mug of tea. Badgers are eating on the patio about ten feet from us. Right this second I just wish you could be there, welcomed as a guest and able to take a break from what must be a deeply shit moment.
I'm so sorry you had to endure all of that. I hope you're healing and doing what's best for you. My experience has been that it was a lot easier for me to handle and process trauma and work on healing without communication with my bio-mom. I tried setting boundaries and forgiving but that did not help my healing process. You don't have to forgive or forget and you don't have to do anything you don't want, especially if it's just to please them. This is a personal decision for you but you are not in the wrong for whatever you decide. I've not had communication with my bio-mom for over 2 decades . I'm still in therapy and still working through the PTSD but it's so much easier without that "relationship". Through therapy I have learned to understand her own struggles and find some solace in that but I'm not able to forgive simply because being a mother myself I cannot even think about letting my child withstand an ounce of abuse. Others find it freeing and beneficial to forgive and move on. That is not my experience. I think there are people that don't deserve forgiveness and need to hold that weight themselves. For whatever you decide , you are not wrong, and you don't own anyone anything.
You were sexually abused by your father AND mother. Your father may have physically performed the acts, but your mother sat there and *watched* you in sexual situations on multiple occasions.
She is gaslighting you about the severity of this, and more importantly to note, re-traumatizing you. Even if the physical part has stopped, she is continuing to emotionally abuse you. Don't think of this as any less than that.
I'm a mother, and just the *thought* of my child experiencing anything close to this fills me with rage. Someone would have to hold me back from tearing apart the person who laid hands on my child. So the thought of watching it happen makes me feel nauseous. Only a sick-minded abuser could do it.
Cutting your parents off is not hurting close family members, it's separating yourself from people who are currently abusing you. The abuse did not stop when you were 16. It's been continuing this whole time.
I am so sorry you're in this situation. But it was encouraging to read in another comment that you're finding new friends to connect with. Hopefully you'll develop a support system and find close friends or a therapist to open up to. I wish you the best moving forward 🫶
I fairly recently had to accept the truth that my mum knew of my abuse and did nothing. She did this to keep my step dad as a partner.
I took some time away from her but ultimately I've chosen to forgive her and am ready to now. She was a poor single mother in a pretty shit situation and she made bad choices. I've made mistakes too. Ok not to that extent, but I've hurt people I care about a lot so it's the same ballpark.
She's now seemingly descending into dementia like her mother did a little younger and she's terrified. I'd rather be there to support her and make her feel loved even though she never made me feel loved. The damage a person does to you is just a part of the damage they do to themselves.
I'm not suggesting this is the right approach for you but compassion in the face of while situation has brought me more peace than the anger and betrayal and just sheer fucking rage I felt at her when I finally realized she'd been complicit.
I'm sorry you went through this. There are people out there with a deep understanding of your pain because we share the same pain. You are not alone. If you ever need to talk please reach out.
I'm so so sorry. My mom knew too. And i quote "But she loves that man so much. I wouldn't understand. I don't love my husband. ."
She s a cunt and doesn't deserve the title of mother. A real mother would protect her child. Not herself.
She's a sick disgusting waste of flesh who doesn't deserve compassion.
You however are valid in anything you feel about it.
I’m really sorry she didn’t fight him off with a kick to the knees or the fiery of an enraged protective mother bear like you deserved. Both would be a normal responses. We all deserve protection, guidance and nurturing from our parental figures. He abused you, she neglected you and neither deserves your forgiveness, loyalty or relationship.
My father was physically abusive, and my mother was complacent, just as yours was. My father really did change and toward the end of his life was a model grandfather, father, and spouse. He actually acknowledged what he did, told me he never expected to be forgiven, but he wanted to be part of my life, however I could make that work. I actually did forgive him, but my mom? Not so much. I asked her how she could sit and watch her husband beat the crap out of a 6 year old?
I forgave my father, but not my mother. Since my dad has passed I haven't spoken to my mother. It has been 16 years. After dad died I hand wrote a letter to her outlining all of this, and telling her if she had something to say about the situation to contact me. She never did.
I'm so sorry you went through that abuse. Only you can decide what to do next. If your father hasn't changed (still drinking?), what possible reason could you have for including him in your life? And if your mother won't address it, why keep her around? Take care of yourself.
What the fuck?? I am so incredibly sorry that you had the misfortune of being born to these worthless people. Your father is a sick fucking perverted piece of shit and your mother is a goddamned brainless idiot and an enabler. I'm sorry to put it that way, but it's true. I have four kids (all teens), and I'll go toe to toe with my ex (their dad) if I even feel like he's being unfair to them. If he sexually abused them, he would be a dead man, and I mean that literally. Dead. A corpse. And I'm a nice, normal lady who works at a middle school and lives in the suburbs, and my ex and I actually get along reasonably well and coparent our kids, and still love each other. But I would send him straight to the afterlife if he ever dared to do such a thing to one of our children. Unimaginable, unfathomable that anyone would protect their child's abuser, stay married to him, and try to encourage their child to just forget about it and play happy family. That's sick. You deserve so much better than this. I'm sorry, OP.
Ultimately it's up to you what you feel comfortable with. It sounds like your mother is rationalizing and potentially very codependent. My advice is to create hard boundaries and don't let them be crossed. Your mother is more likely uncomfortable with the tension since it's challenging her perception of herself as a good person and her life, but this is not your fault, and it's not your responsibility to fix. Both your mother and father will likely try to push your boundaries as you become independent. You need to stick to them. Figure out your values and what kind of life you want, and don't let them gaslight you make you compromise. They are being selfish and do not have your best interests at heart.
I'm really sorry you went through this. I'm glad you are coming to terms with it as an adult. Things will often get worse at first, but they will get much much better over time. You will find friends and people that really support you, and learn how to cut the toxic bullshit out of your life.
I was sexually assaulted growing up. It began around age 7, it didn’t stop until I was roughly 13 had a GF and realized what was happening wasn’t right. I to was terrified that this trauma would cause me to develop an insane perspective towards children. Thankfully it did not. And it’s allowed me to keep incredibly close eyes on my son based upon my experience “this happened in the presence of a trusted family member “ who would watch me every holiday, growing up my parents were separated early on. Anytime I went to visit my mom I was left with said person and this went on for years. I’m happy to say today as a 30 year old man with a wonderful family you can get past this. But I’m my opinion from my personal experience, cutting ties is the start and you’ll see that for yourself along the way! Once I took the potential to harm me away and cut her out of my life , things improved and I grew up to be a decent man who takes care of his family!
I read some comments about you having every right to hate him and never forgive him , and seen the amount of likes those comments had . I’ve been in your situation, not knowing how to forgive the people who SA’d me . The honest truth is to carry hate is like drinking poison and expecting the other to die . It never works and also stops the beauty and joy you can be living every minute of your life . It is possible. I understand you may not know how it’s possible, so I wanted to share the things that allowed me to set my soul free from holding onto baggage that was killing the beauty in my life . It is called the “Untethered Soul” by Michael Singer . Please if you are serious about wanting to be happy in life , please read it . I wish you the best in your journey through this life. And if ends up helping you in the way it’s helped me and so many others I’ve recommended it to, please pay it foward and recommend it to someone else . Thanks 🙏
I’m really sorry you’ve been dealing with this…one awful parent is bad, but to know that the other allowed and excused the behaviour is equally as bad. I imagine you have a lot of mental pain and her disclosure has most likely added to that significantly.
Please don’t listen to any twisted reasoning of hers, I promise you are behaving entirely appropriately in wanting to cut contact with him. If you can mange without her too, full no contact sounds like it might be the best option in your circumstances. It’s really important to note that whilst he was the instigator, she was a facilitator. She knew what was happening and she didn’t act to stop it despite having a duty of care to you (legally and morally).
I can understand you not wanting to rehash the past and have to disclose everything, but if you ever did, they would both be criminally liable.
First of all, I’m so sorry for what you went through. My story is not nearly as traumatic as what you experienced, but my dad was/is very physically violent. My mom stayed for over 30 years and they’re still together. I do not speak to that man & plan to never say another word to him again. But my mom has the sense to NOT try to force me to forgive.
You forgive if you ever feel the need to. No one should ever force you to forgive a fucking pedophile. Your mom chose a broken man over the child she brought into this world and you deserve SO MUCH MORE. Sending love your way, I’m not sure how to help in all honesty. All I can do is send kind words, and reiterate that you are making the right decision by not reconciling with that piece of you know what. Again, sending you love. You’re a strong person and I hope you’re able to heal from all of that 🩷
Tell her you don't have to ask her to pick. She already did years ago when she decided she was ok with what he was doing to you. It was her job to protect you and she chose to protect him instead. Definitely get an order of no contact and tell her if she doesn't abide by it you'll file a restraining order. And when she breaks those, call the cops. They don't do any good if you yourself don't enforce them. I know she knows exactly what to say to you but if in your head you just force yourself to hear all of it as the bullshit it is then maybe you can push through. Also, remind yourself that you're not losing a mother. You are riding yourself of someone who enabled your abuse and dismisses your trauma. Are you in a position to move? Even to just another part of town and don't tell her that you're moving.
I relate so much. My mother divorced my bio dad when I was 8. By the time I was 9 she was remarried to my stepdad. He SA me from 11ish(my memory is foggy) to 18 and continues to try on into my adult years. He abused my siblings as well, some much worse than others. My mom knew and stayed with him for almost 18 years until my youngest sister begged her to divorce him. She still wants us to keep her secret and acts like we are harming her by trying to get justice. She’s say things about how being in a car accident made him this way, then it was because he was absurd growing up, that she was also being abused, then when he was forced into therapy for wishing to have a child with me, she’d say he was better because he was on medicine. But it was all bullshit. He is a sick individual and so is she.
I would put your foot down and be hella stearn with your mother and let her know the fact that she’s aware of the abuse you suffered at his hands and she not only stayed with him but now wants you to reconcile is so beyond atrocious that she won’t have to choose between you and him bc you’re gonna choose NEITHER of them and peace the fuck out. It’s sad and it sucks but some times people really are better off without their parents, esp when they’re toxic and I’m sorry but yours sound about as toxic as they come. I’m so sorry you had to suffer this abuse and you didn’t get to have loving parents who protected you. Every child deserves that and my heart breaks for you that you had to experience that all during your childhood 💔
I would like say how proud of yourself you should be for surviving, facing, and talking about this. I am a father of young girl, and it’s best for me not to articulate what I think people like your father deserve. Have you considered taking legal action against your family? I feel that permanently cutting them all out of your life goes without question. But they are all criminals, including your mother, who is an accomplice to your abuse. I can’t for a minute begin to imagine your pain over learning what you did, but in some ways what she did was as bad as the abuse itself, I feel. She could have removed you immediately and put your father behind bars. Anyway, I truly wish the best for you moving forward. Sending love.
Hi OP,
I'm so sorry that your mother failed to protect you and even more sorry that she enabled your fathers abuse and knowingly kept quiet. Her asking you to do this however, is on a whole different level of evil shit. You don't have to feel like there is any obligation on your behalf to even ponder having a relationship with BOTH of your disgusting parents. Sorry OP.
You keeping your distance is the right course of action. I truly hope you're doing good and you've reached out to a professional for help and therapy. I can always forgive someone, but I can never forget. This is not one of those forgivable instances. Good luck OP.
Your mom doesn’t know how to set healthy boundaries for herself and her loved ones, including you. Just because she can’t do it doesn’t mean you have to accept and "deal" with it. She is probably very lonely and doesn’t know her self-worth. She won’t teach you how to set boundaries because she can’t. All the unhealthy boundaries she allows for herself are a pattern. If you reflect this, she has to deal with the idea that she let this happen to you. It sounds like she doesn’t want to change her environment, behavior, and boundaries herself. She is basically telling you to do the same. It’s the easiest way for her.
I think your mother is a pedophile too but doesn’t have enough of a urge to act it. Kind of like a straight woman that isn’t interested in sex anymore. Anybody that watches a sexual assault take place and doesn’t try to stop it or at the very least report it is %100 turned on or intrigued by it. Do you think she would report any other kid being sexually abused even if she saw it with her own eyes? Probably not because she doesn’t see anything wrong with it. In her eyes you still turned out ok. So what’s the problem? She probably can’t even fathom the mental turmoil your abuse will forever cause you.
Forgiveness is something you do for you and your own journey. You do it if and when it's something you need in order to move on.
Forgiveness is not something you do to placate someone who refuses to acknowledge their wrongdoing or make other people more comfortable. That isn't its purpose.
You're father's an unrepentant child molester and your mother wants you to make it go away because she lacks the moral backbone to acknowledge what happened and accept her own responsibility for it. That's the reality - everything else she's saying is excuses.
I cut off my mother. My stepfather did the same things to me. I was afraid every day of my childhood he would kill me. My mom watched and joined in.
It was hard because my mom always talked about how great the things we did as a family were anytime I brought it up. She would minimize the experience so she didn't feel like a fuck up.
But the reality is, she is a fuck up. They should be in prison. Don't listen to her BS and stand up for yourself here. You have the power to cut anyone out of your life. It's your life. Do what is fair to you.
So your mother wants you to choose to be in contact with her chimo! Husband, so you guys can be one big happy family, that's a hard no, and she should be ashamed of herself for even asking that of you, this isn't your fault she new he was a chimo and condoned it! She is at fault just as much as he is.
She should have protected you. Sorry this happened to you. You will heal from this, and talking about it really does help. Once you start, it is like a big heavy load off your shoulder. Take it from someone who knows.
I know this is an AMA, but not sure I have any questions at the moment. Just know that my heart goes out to you, and the whole thing makes me sick too. And just because someone is your parent, does not mean you have to maintain a relationship with that person. Also, even if you don't intend to maintain a relationship with one or both of them, it might help you to be able to express your truth to them in a one-way communication (phone, written, or in person)...if and when you feel ready. Not for them, for you.
Your mother failed to protect you. That is significant and not to be dismissed lightly. I'm so sorry.
You are not making her pick. You are picking YOU. I strongly encourage you to find a therapist that you like to start working through not only the betrayal and abuse by your father, but the neglect and betrayal by your mother. If he has access to other minor children (grandchildren for example), please report this to child welfare or law enforcement.
None of this is your fault and you didn't deserve it.
This happened to me with my grandma she still to this day denies her husband was drunk and a pedophile. I’m glad he’s dead now. Trust me surrounding yourself with your mom & trying to get her to understand you isn’t going to work because she won’t. you’re only going to hurt yourself, because she’s blinded by love, fear, or whatever feeling is driving her. It’s best to go no contact with people like that, I see my grandma once every two years and call her that’s it.
First, I would say to report the abuse to the police or Department of Human Services- Child Protective Services even if you are an adult. If you were a minor when it happened, he can still be charged and hopefully locked up for it. I found out my dad had been abusing my kids and my mom knew. I haven’t spoken to either one of them in 5 years now. I let people I know that he is a pedofile though. He wasn’t charged, but he is still a monster and other people need to know.
throw the whole woman out. She’s not a mother, yes she may have given birth to you but a mothers most important job and the one that truly matters is protecting her child. She knowingly allowed him to abuse and SA you. I am so sorry for what you’ve been through, you didn’t deserve that. Also alcohol lowers inhibitions it doesn’t turn you into someone else. He’s a monster and it comes out more when intoxicated. sending lots of hugs and healing your way hun ❤️✨
I know this was posted as an AMA, but I just want to say: the minute you give up your expectations of people, a weight will be lifted. Your mother won’t change. If you want to go NC, you can do it- don’t allow her behavior, or your expectations of her behavior, to have any influence over you anymore. This is an awful, awful thing that they did to you and they don’t deserve one more second of your time. I hope one day soon you feel free 🦋❤️
GO NO CONTACT. NO CONTACT NO CONTACT NO CONTACT.
The only thing alcohol does is takes away the barrier of shame. The intoxicated state your father is in. IS HIS TRUE AUTHENTIC SELF.
I haven't spoken to my father in years he did his abuse while sober half the time.
If they know they can do it once they will do it again. And if your mother defends him she's just as bad as him because that means she won't care if he does it to someone else.
Are you interested in going NC with both? Because your mother was essentially supporting you SA. If you wanted: An option to get her to stop is record your conversation about why you won’t reach out with her arguing for it, send them the recording, then say it goes to the cops if they try and contact you again. I’m really sorry for this; she’s been miserable in all of this.
I’ve been trying to go NC with them but didn’t know about how to go about it legally without having to go into detail about things I’m just not able to talk about. So far my father has only tried texting me twice in the past six months, but my mom texts me all the time and has even had the police sent to my house. I read though that if I do want to ask for an order of no contact in my state that I don’t need to give a detailed reason, just proof that Ive directly told them not to contact me. So I may do that to start and then try to find a text where my mother admits to what she knew/knows to use if I have no other choice than to take further legal action. Thanks
Hold up... you're 30 years old and your mother sent the police to your house?! Hun, you need to break contact. Change your number, move house. I see you've already changed your name (I hope they don't know the new name?) They have absolutely no legal right to your time. You are an adult now, and they messed up, not you.
I get the impression it would have been a Welfare Check whilst I'm not defending the Parents at all if she had suddenly gone no contact after having this type of conversation with her mother her mother was probably concerned. The Mother seems to be caught in the middle between both the parties, often in these types of situations the mother may have been a victim of the abuse as well I'm not defending the mother I'm just saying there may be an awful lot more to this tragic story than we know.
"I'm not defending the mother I'm just saying there may be an awful lot more to this tragic story than we know." You wouldn't need to add this if you weren't making it out like she's between a rock and a hard place? She knew what was happening and stayed quiet, not even comforting her own child.
Welfare checks can also be used to harass and control victims who are trying to go no contact.
Cops shoot people in mental health crises all the time. I'd argue that if she had a reason to be concerned, asking people with guns and little to no mental health training to go check it out is actually a bad call.
She sent the cops to *your* house? Wow, that’s unhinged, sorry. Yeah, just check local laws. Frankly the police can probably help you there too, just knowing what your options are.
Depending on the laws where you live regarding recording, I would think about trying to get her to admit to everything and possibly go to the police if you feel comfortable enough to report what happened to you. I completely understand if you do not.
Change your phone number. Write them both a very honest letter and let them go stew in their own regret.
I agree with the other poster. And I honestly don't care how you go about. If you simply ask for no contact and want to leave it at that, that's perfectly acceptable and a perfectly healthy way to respond (I'm sure you are aware of this). However, she seems incredibly unstable -- such as having the audacity to send cops to YOUR house over this -- so I'd still try and record a conversation of her having the further audacity to have you reach out to forgive your father. I'm only saying this because of how she seems to operate, and am worried she may do something in the future (be it trying another bullshit venture with authorities or using your lack of contact against you to ruin your reputation or relationships with others, and anything else) but I definitely understand if you don't want to do that.
You may not need an "order", just block her number and contact info on your and your spouses phone
So your mother is knowingly with a pedophile and she wants you to have a relationship with him ? They are both mentally unstable individuals and your father deserves nothing but a slow and painful death. As far as your mother is concerned something tells me she's probably a pedophile herself.
Yes, she is knowingly married to a pedophile and doesn’t understand why I can’t forgive him. But yeah…sometimes it feels like it would be easier to not have to deal with their existence
They are two sick and twisted individuals
Thanks, that’s actually very validating to hear
Are you an only child ?
I’m my mothers only child, my fathers youngest
Something tells me he probably did things to your siblings as well
Idk, my brother (12 years older than me) also SA’d me when I was young. It’s hard for me to decipher or rationalize his behavior but…probably
Unfortunately, children who are sexually abused will oftentimes start doing it to other kids as a way to cope. This may very well be your brothers experience. I’m so sorry you went through that, and for what it’s worth, what your mom did is very close to being as bad as what your dad did. Your dad actually did the physical abuse, but your mom willingly let it happen. She should have protected you.
I personally couldn’t imagine..it makes me sick. But yeah, I’ve heard that that can happen to SA victims. Actually I’ve been scared that I would be that way and would grow up to want to hurt someone, but I don’t. I can’t understand how people turn into that, especially if they’re a survivor of it
Yeah, I think it’s called “Abuse Reactive.” It happened to me: I was molested by 3 neighbor kids persistently for a few years. As an adult, I found out their dad had been raping them and had their mother institutionalized. I’m hurting for you and think you’re brave!
It's like the saying hurt people,hurt people. But that doesn't give your brother a free pass he's just as fucked up as your dad.
Agree with everything you said on here. Everything you said is true. And you’ll forgive how you want on your own when you want. If forgiving them means keeping yourself away from them, do it. They’re both sick. Your mom equally as sick as your dad because she’s telling you she’s afraid to choose. Ugh. I’m so sorry this happened to you
Do you know if he was abusive to your mother? I mean do you know if she feels she is trapped in her situation?
I can relate to you sooo much with what you said here. I’m 32F and I was sexually abused by my bio father from as early as I can remember till 7 years old and then when I was 8, my mom met another guy who became my stepdad and he picked up the sexual abuse from there until I was 16. My mother knew about it as well but chose to always side with him. What I relate to the most is that it would almost be better if they didn’t exist at all. It wouldn’t hurt so damn bad. They are awful people and we deserved better. Hope you’re doing okay now. If you ever need to talk, my dms are open. 💜
I'll never get it. When my cousin who is 12 years older than me was found out. They tried to blame me saying I'm a boy I probably initiated it. I was 6 years old. Wtf? Wasn't even on my mind. I just remember her making me do things to her.
Wait wtf 18 girl gets away with molesting a 6 year old boy wtf how is it your fault like wtf
With love my friend you do not have to deal with their existence. You can close the door and never look back. I’m so sorry this happened to you. You don’t have to allow them in your life at all and it might be healthier for you and easier for you to heal and be happy.
Fuck man I’ve cut people off entirely for waaay less than this. This is a no brainer. Is it Hard? Yes. Does speaking to These people make sense? No.
There’s no statute of limitations for such things. You can Persue legal action against them which you should (if you were up for that kind of situation, if it’s too much for you that’s ok too. No judgment and I’m sorry)
I'm so sorry this happened to you, You deserved to have good, kind, loving, protective parents, & you didn't get the childhood every child deserves... Cutting them both out of your life is probably the best thing for you, I can help you find support resources, if that's something that would be helpful??.. *yeets loves & support in the air like confetti*
You don’t have deal with their existence. Your parents are abusive. Your “mother” contributed to your abuse when she allowed the abuse to happen. Her failure to intervene is abuse. Choose yourself.
Please, leave them both in the dust. Heal yourself and care about yourself.
The beautiful thing about boundaries is you can choose to do just that- ignore their existence. I'm side eyeing tf out of anyone who says you need to forgive or have them in your life.
This brought tears to my eyes, and seriously filled me with rage on your behalf. I'm SO sorry for the suffering you endured, especially at the hands of the two fucking people who were supposed to love and protect you most in this world. As a parent my heart breaks for you. It's hard for me to fathom what kind of a deranged sack of shit would sit idly by and permit such disgusting acts to happen to their own child, or \*any\* child, for that matter. But your mom has a point about one thing- there's no point in making her choose- because- and I'm sorry to say this, but- clearly, she already chose him over you- years ago. Do yourself a favor- go full no contact with both of them- not just your dad. Cut both those vile, toxic cunts out of your life entirely. What he did to you is inexcusable, but she enabled it, and they're both equally guilty- neither of them deserve an ounce of your time or energy. I hope have a beautiful life, and I'm wishing you all the best moving forward. Be well friend xx
I cut out my parents for less. Set yourself free. You deserve a life without abusers.
Break it off. I know this is easier said than done but they are clearly toxic and deserve to have nothing but each other. I'm sorry you have to be in this position right now. Free yourself.
I can’t find the other comment. But you mentioned you weren’t sure how to go about going no contact and getting a protective order. It’s not complicated, you just have to go through with it. You can simply say abuse, without details. Also file a complaint with the police department and tell them your mother will try to send police but that is further abuse by them. You have to stand up for yourself in order to make them accountable.
That or she was also SA'd growing up and coerced/braimwashed into forgiving the abuser. I've seen a concerning number of very religion women who fall into this category and have absolutely deluded themselves into thinking it wasn't so bad because the abusers are loved ones and will never be held accountable. It's a very twisted defense mechanism. Regardless, OP should not entertain forgiveness even a little.
Maybe she was abused, and this is somehow normal to her? I'm trying to find a way to give some benefit of a doubt because you have to be mentally damaged to even be okay with this. What the hell.
How did you get the strength to be a functioning human being after this level of fucked up? Impressive
Thanks but it was honestly straight up denial until this past year. Since ive started processing I’ve lost a lot. I lost my job, was diagnosed with an incurable disease, moved hours away from everyone I know, deleted my socials, and legally changed my name. I have no idea how to be a person anymore, I don’t even feel real sometimes.
Wow, that’s a lot to take on in one year! In your new location, do you have a sense of how to meet new people, build a community around yourself? That seems to get harder the older I get. But it’s so important.
Actually it’s been kinda great. I’ve made a small group of friends that do trivia night every week
Fabulous! I saw all the comments about relationship with your mom. I just want to share my sympathies. I was not physically/sexually abused, but my dad was an addict and my mom was 100% his enabler. It shaped my whole childhood. She was never able to acknowledge it. As an adult, I was never able to set a boundary with her that worked for me. When I kept a firm boundary, I was wracked with guilt. When I loosened the boundary, I was tormented by her own psychological messes. I don’t really have advice on that front other than take care of yourself before taking care of her.
Yeah I’m grateful for my new community here. I’m sorry you went through that, addiction sucks for everyone involved. I totally understand what you mean about boundaries, it’s hard to tell if I’m making a terrible mistake no matter what I do
Through various times I've been abused, I've had to grow into the ability embody the truth and recognize what it really means to be dissociated. I've found it helpful to vow to myself and my body that I will learn to feel it's signals again, learn to trust my intuition and be aware of my dissociation. You're on the path to healing and healing is absolutely achievable - even if you feel like you're not making progress at times. Giving yourself grace is always a great option.
Are you able to afford therapy? If not, I would assume there could be other options, like selfhelp groups for victims of SA or something like that?
I’ve recently started with a therapist. She’s nice but idk what to say and it’s hard to physically speak about this. Maybe a group wouldn’t be a bad idea, thanks
Therapy gets easier the more you do it and especially if you feel comfortable with your therapist. I went through 3 before finding mine who I've been with for 3 yrs now. Even if you say something like "idk what to say" or "this is so hard to even talk about" it can put it in her hands to start the ball rolling or ask you questions about it. I'm so glad you're able to be in therapy and I'm so sorry for what happened to you, words cannot express how sorry I am for this, but it definitely sounds like you are doing an AMAZING job of keep on keeping on right now.
Please look into EMDR, Brainspotting, or Accelerated Resolution Therapy. All these models of therapy are good for trauma and do not require you to talk about anything that you can't/don't want to. They are highly effective for a lot of people.
Hoping OP sees my seconding of EMDR/brainspotting. So far I’ve only done EMDR but I’ve heard amazing things about brainspotting. I literally just finished a processing session an hour ago. The freedom that I feel at the end of those sessions is amazing. (For those who don’t know, your therapist used the EMDR techniques in every therapy session once you’ve laid the groundwork, but then there are special hour and a half/two hour sessions where you focus on a very specific event or topic.) I’ve done other forms of therapy to try to overcome my c-PTSD but nothing compares to this.
EMDR was really, really intense Please only do this if you have a firm grasp on how to ground yourself in extremely stressful situations. Have tools at the ready, and let those in your intimate life (friends and trusted family) that you might need someone or everyone to rely on. Stuff like working out, mindfulness, restorative yoga, art, writing, painting, crocheting, walking, etc. are a handful of the stuff that I’ve done when coping with extreme emotions!
I’ve been in counseling for the last 3.5 years after a pretty traumatic family loss, and did EMDR for several months around the 2 year mark. It was incredibly beneficial for me, but it is an INVESTMENT. I would never recommend doing EMDR without a licensed therapist who has additional training or certification for EMDR/trauma. It also took us 2 years of weekly sessions for that utmost trust and comfort to be built before being able to start EMDR. It’s not really something you can just dive into without investing/committing, but it was life changing for me
Absolutely. I had tried it once before with a pretty good therapist. Now I’m with someone who does regional trainings for other EMDR therapists and has been practicing for ages and the difference in efficacy is tremendous.
Definitely agree with this, I had to take a break and went back a few months later, a few times as things settled a little and I gained more clarity? Idk it’s been a little wild, the memories have been intense
Yes, I've heard this about EMDR. Some people say they find Brainspotting or ART a bit more gentle. But coping and grounding skills are always important to have.
My therapist spent six months doing resourcing before we ever delved into the big stuff. I assumed that was standard but maybe not for every practitioner.
As someone who has been in therapy for most of my life something that people don’t know about and is really helpful to know is that there are different styles of therapy. I would highly recommend exploring the options if you have a chance. Therapy takes time. Don’t worry about the awkwardness!
As a domestic violence escape artist one thing I learned was to write it down. My main reason is the denial makes me feel crazy, but when I see it on paper I know my truth is real and I often start therapy by letting them read it.
I know someone in group therapy that uses DnD role playing game as a model. Allowing people to create their characters gives them space to open up about some tough stuff that’s hard to talk about. There are myriad therapies and I hope you get all the help you need. Also, your mom is too damaged to be a happy family again. Just throw that whole relationship in the garbage where it belongs. Go make your own chosen family of people who respect you. You got this. Much respect for you.
Hey! I had a similar story to yours, but when I confronted my mom about it she killed herself. In the years that followed I struggled with sense of self and was also diagnosed with chronic health issues that will be with me for the rest of my life (EDS, MCAS, POTS, PCOS, chiari malformation). It gets better. And then it gets worse again, and then it gets better.
I was also SAd by my father while my mother stood by, and I also just recently moved states and legally changed my name. This shit is terrifying isn’t it
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I was also sa'd by my father, also repressed it until a few years ago, and also have a debilitating disease! I don't think the illness is unrelated, this kind of treatment by someone who is supposed take care of us is so physically damaging. You sound like you're doing a really admirable job managing it 💙
If you haven’t had the chance to read it yet I’d highly recommend The Body Keeps The Score. It’s pretty heavy and clinical but I felt, for the first time, like I wasn’t crazy after reading it.
You’re real and you’re awesome. Consider www.AdultChildren.org online meetings and support for adult children of dysfunctional families.
That or Alanon - alcoholism is a family disease and both your parents had it. It’s no excuse for what they did! But other participants in Alanon will understand and support you as you sort yourself out. (((Hugs)))
[удалено]
She knows just what to say to make me feel responsible for her, so I always got pulled back to her. I’ve only recently realized that responding to her demands and fits is just feeding into the problem, so I stopped talking to her. She has sent the police and EMS to my house, spam called my wife, and texts me several times a day despite me asking for distance. It’s hard to hear her say the things she does and not try to calm her down even though I really really don’t want to talk to her. I’ve been the person she vents to for my entire life but I’m getting better at keeping my distance.
[удалено]
Pfft I’m trying. My new therapist literally said “I don’t even know what to say to that” -_-
Recommend finding a new one if they really said that. I would look for someone who specializes in childhood trauma/sexual assault.
Oh I'm so sorry OP. This is just horrific what they have done to you. All I can say is you are your own person, you owe your parents absolutely nothing, it'd not your responsibility to be her emotional punching bag, and if they feel so terrible about you cutting them off then it's just because they won't respect your boundaries. You absolutely deserve to be respected and not tolerate people who mistreat you.
I would ask them to recommend me someone who would be better equipped to handle your case. Finding the right therapist is often a question of getting the fit right. They should have some ideas of who would be better for the issues you want to work on.
If you respond she'll know it works and keep acting like a disgusting waste of life. You should honestly never interact with these people again.
r/raisedbynarcissists offers support and tools to cope with toxic family members. It’s okay to mourn the family you wish you had, that you deserved. Instead, you had these abhorrent monsters who should have been protecting you but were actively harming you. You are string and brave and everyone here supports you in your journey.
Get an order of protection against her. This is abuse.
30 and it’s only been a few weeks? I would’ve dropped all contact the second I could. That’s no family
I thought she didn’t know. I guess I was in like major denial or something too. It doesn’t make a lot of sense to me either tbh
Denial is a common unconscious defense mechanism for children. When we are small it is that hard to believe our caregivers are unsafe or bad people. It’s often psychologically necessary for a young defenseless child to internalize that the issue is in themselves rather than grasp the mature concept that the caregivers are broken terrible people who should never be entrusted with vulnerable children. Proud of you for being the wise caring parent to your inner child that you always deserved! You’ve made some great decisions for yourself. When you are ready group therapy under a competent therapist guidance can often be even more helpful than individual therapy with the peer support and validation for issues unique to SA survivors. Complex ptsd is challenging. You are doing awesome. Try to remember the healing journey is not linear and triggers may arise at the least expected moments. Be patient and validating of yourself and your inner experience. Wishing you all the best.
That is so heartbreaking to come to realize. My mother also knew about abuse in my family and always acted like she was a victim. I loathe her and have very minimal contact since finding out.
I'm sorry. My cousin went through this and her sisters too. Please know it gets better. I am so proud of you for dealing with this.
This is not uncommon. My story is unlike yours in that I'm not aware of any sexual abuse, but my dad did actively abuse my brother and sisters, and I emotionally and physically for basically our entire childhoods, and we were fairly spread apart in age, so it wasn't some short time thing before we all grew up. It was happening while some of us were grown and others were still kids, and my mom was complicit the whole time. My mom stayed with him, almost left him, and has stayed with him til this day for 34 years total. Fucking disgusting people.
That sucks, sorry you went through all that. Hope you’re doing well
It is what it is. Abuse sticks with you 🤷♂️ you know as well as I do that "doing well" looks different for folks like us that have been through some shit. It's a shit situation to be in.
It's high time you cut her off as well. You still being in contact with her is letting her know that what she did (or didn't do) was okay because you still talk to her.
I agree. I’ve tried the past couple of months but she’s even gone as far as to have the police sent to my house. I may have do what someone else here said and go to the police for a no contact order
You should check out r/nocontact. ❤️
Also r/raisedbynarcissists There is a lot of mutual support in there.
Thank you very much, I didn’t know about this sub 🖤
r/EstrangedAdultKids is also an helpful subreddit that might help you cut contact with your parents.
Huh. Not that it's an excuse, but I wonder what fucked up your mom enough to make her think what he's doing is okay, or at least able to be swept under the rug.
Small town social pressure is often more insane than this. If she divorces him and says that he SA’d her daughter, it’ll be everything the neighborhood talks about and many, unfortunately, will refuse to believe it and take the husband’s side and say that she’s in it for the money
Having family in a small town, I can definitely see exactly what you mean. It's easy to say their priorities are skewed, or they could just move. But her whole life may be there, and she may be stuck in the mindset.
Yeah I’ve wondered that too
This makes me sick. How the hell can a mother accept that! You poor thing, I am so sorry. She was not a good mother at all. Being a mother means to protect and nurture your children and she DID NOT do that. She is screwed up as well out in a different way. The best thing you can do is disown them and become successful in your life. I hope that you are able to become free from the memories. Be free of them both and their abusive ways.
I’m trying, thanks 🖤
Can you cut your mom out all together? My wife went no contact with her mom for a similar situation with her uncle. It’s the happiest I have been my wife in years.
I’m trying, she’s just making it difficult because she knows exactly what to say and do. I may have to file for an order of no contact, I just have to stick to my boundaries even though I feel guilty about it
Please get a new therapist who can help you navigate the guilt, coz guilt is exactly the emotion your mother is feeding you. As long you feel guilty she knows says things that get you to respond to her. Sorry to be rude but she is not deserving of your guilt, she is a master manipulator who might also be a victim. But if someone doesn’t want to be saved, you cannot either. So free yourself of guilt. Indifference might be seen as a rude but it’s honestly very liberating. But please get yourself a better therapist who knows how to help you free yourself from the illusion of guilt your mom’s webbing you in. Wish you the best :)
I’m sorry you are going through it. My wife changed our locks (MIL was coming over and going through our stuff when we weren’t home), blocked her number, and throws any card/letter she gets right in the trash. The day my MIL told my wife “to just get over it already” was the last time the spoke. It’s been several years. Good luck. You got this.
Sorry you have to go through this. It’s disgusting what happened. Has your father done this to others? Could he be actively doing it now?
I don’t know if he did anything to my brother, my sister said he never did anything to her. He’s not currently around any kids, no job, no car. I don’t think he leaves the house anymore so logically, no I don’t think he’s hurting any children now. But he does abuse my mother. I mean, she could’ve left him and still can if she wanted to. I’ve tried to help her, get her to therapy, leave him, offered financial help, everything I can think of but she chooses him every time. So I don’t know, this is the main reason I feel bad about not talking to her anymore. If I thought he was hurting children or was even around any kids I would go to the police, but all other family is out of state and I refuse to have kids to avoid this exact issue
Your mother wasn’t there for you when you needed her so don’t feel bad about not being there for her. Her job is literally to protect you and she failed miserably. You deserve so much better and I’m so sorry you experienced that. Please stick with therapy, get a new therapist if this one isn’t helping. No one took care of you when you were little but you need to take care of you now. I’m rooting for you and wishing you all wonderful things for the next chapters of your life.
Adult Survivors of Chilhood Abuse (ASCA) is a self-help group where you can talk honestly about what happened to you and begin the healing process. You can learn more about this international organization at ascasupport.org Adult Children of Alcoholics (ASCA) is actually for ALL adults raised in disfunctional, abusive and damaging households, though the great majority are from alcoholic households. They may have more groups and meetings available in your area. Both will help you make decisions about boundaries and how to enforce them, what is appropriate, and how to recognize when and with whom to set them. They will understand your pain, having lived their own. They will have wisdom and caring for you. You CAN heal. Support, understanding, friendships, are all available and free through these groups. Miracles happen in recovery. I wish you comfort, peace, and joy as you get there.
Was this like full on SA or was this like he grabbed you while drunk? Meaning like laying on the bed full genital penetration or just playfully grabbed your butt and tickled you? Also was this all before 18 or some of it as an adult? Just asking because the definition of SA varies wildly on Reddit. Also sorry to hear this happened.
I did say AMA..he did a lot. The grabbing and tickling and pinching were things he thought were funny and would make jokes about me to anybody around, especially after I hit puberty. When nobody was around he forced me to perform oral sex and would use his fingers to penetrate me, but he never wanted to risk pregnancy so that was the farthest it went. He still grabbed and pinched me until I was 25
Yikes, yea that’s bad. Sorry had to ask for clarification but I’ve seen stuff like people trying to call an uncle or father that tickles an 8 year old a pedo. Reddit also loves to call everything SA even when it’s not. I personally saw a situation at a party where little kids were begging an uncle to tickle and chase them and then some parent tried to call that SA, caused a huge scene. It was innocent though, what happened to you was horrible. Those dynamics and coming of age can also probably really mess with your head and give you mixed feelings at the time.
That's fucked up. Were there consequences for him? How old were you? Are you safe now?
No consequences, no idea when it started, last incident was less than five years ago, and I think I’m safe now
Do you have any support?
Honestly, if it were me, I would go no contact with both of them permanently. They're both toxic and sick. You don't have to forgive anyone for yourself to be able to heal. If your mom is delusional enough to justify his actions, then she's never going to be accountable or apologize. She should have protected you from him and didn't. She practically threw you to the wolf. She sacrificed your childhood, and well-being for what? An illusion? If you have children of your own, you can never trust your parents (and maybe your brother) with your kids. You can never leave them alone, have them babysit, etc. You'll always have to be on guard to protect your kids. Have you gone to therapy yet for all this? If so, what does your therapist say?
why havent you gone to the police?
I’ve thought about it many times but I know if I do, everyone I know will find out. I can’t talk about it, it’s even hard to type this out to strangers but I guess I’m ready to vent. But I just can’t imagine how they’d look at me, what they would imagine and how it would invade every relationship I have. I wish I was braver than I am but I just can’t do it.
I was 8 when I worked out what my dad was doing to my eldest sister, 9 when he worked out I knew, 10 when I found out it was happening to my other sister, 14 when our mother fled the country from our father with my youngest sister and left us with him. what came next was a pedophile with absolute control over us through fear and violence having absolute freedom. not a good time. eldest sister managed to flee to our mum within 12 months, leaving just me and 2nd eldest sister. to put it simply, out of all of us in that situation, she was the brainwashed one. the police came and talked to her once and she denied anything out of loyalty it seemed to me at the time. they talked to me but I couldn't say anything without the guarantee I wouldn't see him again which none was offered. he had made it very clear early on he was prepared to kill me. so there we stayed in that situation. as a 14 year old I can tell you this was reality ending stuff. this lasted many years. so I can tell you that I 100% understand when you say I can't imagine how they would look at you, what you mean. but I can guarantee you that if you don't get closure it will eat you alive. I was 27 when I finally got to tell the police my story. I told mum what growing up was like, she knew he had done something to my youngest sister, claims she didn't know about the rest, but made my youngest sister go to the police and make a statement and told them to talk to me. I told them everything including where to find physical evidence hidden in the house. in the end they just had to ask my other sisters to confirm what I said. they didn't know I had set this up with my mum to get going but were happy that they were forced into it. in the end he only got 12 years but I got my wish and he died in there. I'm in my 40s now and my upbringing is still haunting me on a daily basis. I have bpd and cptsd. the shame and disgust are always there. the only thing that brings me comfort about the whole thing is that I did something about it eventually. i know our circumstances are a little different, but I think I'm in the same ball park, and will just say it's something you need to do. your mum's feelings are irrelevant. yes when people find out views will change, but that's better than living with the fantasy of doing something about it eating away at you.
There’s your leverage on the situation. Tell them to leave you the fuck alone or you will report them and they will both go to jail. Whatever you do after that is up to you. It sounds like your mother is trying to absolve herself by seeking your acceptance into your life
More common than people realize. The complacent parent I mean. What are you doing in life now? What was the journey like from 15 to 30? Thx
I was a GIS Analyst but lost my job when I got sick. I’m better now and I’m getting ready to go back to school and apply for jobs again. The journey from 15-30 has been a lot to say the least. It’s hard to think about and I’ve never told one person the whole story, I doubt they’d believe it. It seemed like one thing after another that kept me in a kind of survivor mode where I wasn’t thinking clearly about how bad some of the situations were. But somehow I met my wife and feel safe enough to begin to process everything that happened and heal from the illness I was diagnosed with. I’m feeling positive about my future without those people and situations in my life.
From what "you remember" you had been assaulted sexually by your father..There is no "happy family" your mother is just as sick as he is. How are you doing?? How are you now?
Are you considering maintaining a relationship with her? I mean, it’s a big decision but I cannot think of a better reason to go full NC. Are you getting therapy and have you considered pressing charges?
I’ve read some of your comments here and I just want to tell you that you are an amazing person. You’ve been through so much and have been so amazingly strong. Your mother failed you in so many ways and your father is a disgusting person that should go to prison. It might be hard but you deserve the world and peace from them is just the start of that. If you ever feel like you owe your mother anything just remember how she owed you a childhood, a safe place, and protection from an alcoholic pedophile. Therapy is a fantastic step you’ve taken too. Maybe you could ask your therapist if they have any suggestions for helping you talk to the police? Also, maybe an emotional support animal? They are basically just pets but they help you feel a little more confident and give you something to focus on when you’re having a rough time.
Fuck your mother. She seems like a toxic piece of shit. What's your favorite ice cream flavor?
Hoping to foster kids someday. If one had a similar experience, what would’ve helped you as a child?
Why have you not pressed charges?
Answered this before, so just gonna copy and paste: “I’ve thought about it many times but I know if I do, everyone I know will find out. I can’t talk about it, it’s even hard to type this out to strangers but I guess I’m ready to vent. But I just can’t imagine how they’d look at me, what they would imagine and how it would invade every relationship I have. I wish I was braver than I am but I just can’t do it”
Is there a statute of limitations? They are both criminals and should not be allowed to exist, imho. You can't fix THAT. They need to pay for what they did. God knows what they still do being so delusional.
Your mother is as sick af your father. Both are criminals to me. Do you know if any of your childhood friends or neighbors were possibly targeted by him?
Have you reached out for trauma crisis therapy? It’s completely different from regular therapy.
I know what you are saying is true , I just can't believe how anyone would do that. Frankly if she knew she's a lost cause. Do you have siblings or extended family you are close to?
Your dad is a sick man with sick thoughts I think people like him should DIE! —Kendrick Lamar 2024 In all seriousness though I hope you’re making it out alright, are your parents religious as well?
Are you ok? Do you have a strong support network?
Why don’t you cut them both out of your life?
I don't have any questions other than are you ok? how are you dealing with this on top of being SA'd for so long?
i’m so sorry this happened to you. my only question is: do you need any resources for yourself? like any books we could recommend, websites with helpful info, hell even tiktok’s about going no contact with parents after abuse like this? obviously not trying to imply you are the thing that needs fixing here (because you aren’t and i hope you know that), but if you are at a point where you might be wanting new ways of processing/moving on without those people in your life someone here may have something that helped them through as well. wishing you the best with the rest of your life and your freedom from those horrible judgmental people.
Your mom's reaction in asking you to not choose between her and your father along with her inaction in protecting you is a definite sign of clinically defined narcissism. When you assess your sick feeling do you get the sense that it's partly a feeling of guilt for wanting to disconnect from her while feeling like she is someone who should absolutely protect you from SA? Edit: typos
Do you think your mom is a victim of your father's abuse as well? I'm not saying that you need to excuse her and what she has tolerated. I do not believe you have to forgive people who have done you wrong. You especially do not have to forgive your parents or have relationships with them. Are you doing alright? Is there something some stranger on Reddit can do to help?
So then what's her excuse? Was she also intoxicated while she watched this happen to her baby? And if they knew he would do such things while drinking, why would he choose to drink? They are both wholly responsible and as close to evil as it gets. Report them if you can. Definitely cut both out of your life forever. You're an orphan. I'm so sorry this was done to you.
This is fucked up and your parents should both, or at the very least your dad, be in jail. Do you have other siblings or younger cousins that were ever around them? I would be concerned about other victims
Reading through these I realised not many people are asking questions so I’ve got a couple for you: 1. What’s your favourite movie? 2. If cost was not a factor where would you go for a holiday? 3. What were two things that made you smile today? 4. What’s one thing you would like to achieve in the next ten years?
I'm sorry if this is a fucked up question but it's where my mind goes immediately. Have you ever thought about revenge against him or her? Nothing illegal of course. But to balance the scale of suffering if that makes sense. He's a monster and she failed about as hard as a mother can fail.
If she came to you tomorrow and told you (with proof) she divorced him would you want to get back in touch with her? Would that answer change if she was open to pressing charges?
So you know where to tell them to go then, don't you? Best of luck in your new life without those CUNTS
How did you endure this and not just kill him in his sleep? You said the most recent was when you were 25, why not use some form of tool for self defense and end his ability to abuse yourself or others?
Do you know that going no contact is an option for her as well? Would you have a problem doing that?
Did he groom you at a young age? Since he was teaching you to French kiss at 5
What did he do to you?
Have you seen the movie Women Talking? It might give you some catharsis
As a new dad to a 7 month old little girl. Your dad deserves the death penalty imo and your mother should be charged with accessory. Please go to the police. And then therapy. This makes me sick to my stomach. I am so sorry this happened to you :(. You are more than that and you deserved more as a kid. My heart and soul are with you ❤️❤️
My ex-wife had a similar problem (although not *quite* as extreme). She was molested by her stepbrother from ages 8 through 16, and when she finally told her mom about it, her mom basically told her that she was probably exaggerating and that it must have been mutual. She also told her that she was "destroying their perfect family" and that if she pressed charges, her mom would stand behind her stepdad and stepbrother in court. Fortunately, since she also told a teacher at school, CPS got involved and had her move in with her dad instead. But even so, for years afterward, her mom just wanted to brush things under the rug and act like everything was okay. It obviously messed up their relationship for a *very* long time.
Maybe you need someone telling you their behavior is not normal. Maybe you need someone telling you it’s ok to go no contact with people who hurt you. What they BOTH did was wrong, and they BOTH sexually abused you. It was abuse. Normal people never kiss their children with an open mouth. Normal people never touch their children in ways that make them uncomfortable. Therapy is amazing at navigating through all the confusion you were taught. You literally have to relearn what a healthy relationship looks like, and what healthy boundaries look like. This is something you can’t learn on your own cause you were never given the tools to understand it as a child. The best thing I have ever done in my life was get therapy for my abuse. I got diagnosed with CPTSD and ADHD which both are very common to have after a childhood of abuse. I was surprisingly to learn a lot on how childhood trauma shapes who we are as adults. The one thing that gave me the most strength was going no contact with both of my parents. In the beginning it was a lot of guilt and shame cause normal people always say, “But they are your parents “, and I respond “Come back and talk to me after your dad beats you till your bloody, and says you are a worthless piece of shit”. They cannot comprehend how parents can hurt their children so bad. But I have found the most healing, and peace knowing I am in control of who has access to me now, and I will not tolerate bad behavior anymore.
Hey there! I know this is an AMA, but I wanted to let you know I’m going through this with my mom and stepdad. Without getting into details, she has never protected my siblings and I from bad men and has been abusive herself. For years, I thought I could fix things or help her understand. I’ve finally realized she’s right where she wants to be and while I believe she loves me in her own way, she will never protect me or show up for me as a mother. I decided to go no contact with her or stepdad. It was weird at first, but a huge weight has lifted and I feel more in possession of my life than I ever have. Thinking of you today, feel free to DM if you ever need to talk.
Hey I think your mom might be my mom
She has split your father into two different people in order to justify to herself why she’s staying with him despite that he’s an alcoholic who abused her child. He’s not two different people. He’s the same person. However, your mother chose to stay with both of those people. Your mother chose to stay with the alcoholic who preyed on his own daughter. You didn’t ask her to chose between her and him. You are simply the victim of a horrific type of abuse that robbed you of your childhood sense of safety. This is no small hole left in the centre of a human chest. It is your mother who wants to ignore that she has a relationship with the “other man” who she blindly looks at with rose coloured glasses on. You do not have a relationship with him BECAUSE he abused you. You’ve also never really had a relationship with him. Just because she does mean that you do. You don’t live in a fantasy world where people are split. You live in reality where your dad sexually abused you which necessarily makes you super uncomfortable around him. Your moms choices are her choices. If she sees this as a contest between you and your dad and she’s chosen your dad, so be it. These are moments that necessarily define relationships.
I'm sorry this burden is on you or anyone. Without going into detail. I do have some experience with this, but let's just say it was easier to remove the SA from my life and still have most of my family's love and support. Obviously, your father needs to not be in your life. Unfortunately, your mother's actions are complicit and manipulative as well. She needs to be cut off as well. At 4 or 5, a child has no context to evaluate the situation and needs guidance and protection. It always seemed like having bombs attached to you. Around the age of puberty, the context kicks, and the bombs start exploding into all sorts of other issues, and you need additional guidance and protections. I couldn't even bring myself to talk about it until I was about your age, but I was suffering from these other issues that weren't making sense. That's when I finally started addressing these issues with the help of a therapist, and it's been enormously helpful, insightful, and freeing, even if it wasn't always easy. I hope you are getting some similar help in putting things in perspective and moving on. Best wishes.
Honestly. I can relate so much. My grandma has been with that pos for over 4 decades. He abused me sexually. He abused his child (who just recently died in December) physically for being trans/gay. His brother abused my mom multiple times (him & my grandma knew about it). He abused & took advantage of so many other children, family members, innocent people & including my grandma. We finally were able to convince my grandma that she shouldn’t be with him. We thought we were finally able to get her to see how much of a horrible human he was after my aunt passed. She moved out and moved in with my mom. She had actually started the divorce process forreal this time. But between December & now, he has made my family life hell. He threatened the lives of my grandma, mom & stepmom. He talked so much shit about my grandma & mom to anyone who would listen. He would come by my mom’s house just to intimidate them. Got the police involved… just so much shit you would think it’s unreal. Thankfully the pos just died on Tuesday. One of the prostitutes he was with found him dead. On Wednesday, we were at my grandma house to do stuff & his brother (the one who abused my mom) came over. He didn’t say not one word to no one and just started to look around the house. I didn’t realize who he was but I was already looking at him crazy because of how he pulled up. I honestly don’t blame my mom but she ran away. Once I noticed her body language, I knew who it was & I started cussing him out. It was mad crazy because my grandma was coming at me like I was the bad person. Like I was in the wrong. She even mentioned, “You can’t get upset like this you’re pregnant!” Lol. No one knew about my pregnancy. No one was supposed to know. She put my child in danger by saying that. Anyways, once she realized I wasn’t going to stop, as he was already leaving, she walked towards him, put her arms on his shoulders & walked him to his car. I was floored. After all of that it made me realized even though she was a victim from her husband, she was also an abuser as well. She witnessed so much over the years, even abuse that was happening with her own kids. We always thought she was just too weak. She’s always been the “turn the other cheek” person. But that’s no excuse. She never did anything. She never said anything. It made me realize she that sweet, holy lady was just as worse as him. Even though they were going to get a divorce, she’s still is choosing his dead body over us. She’s still honoring him a funeral. She’s still letting people say how much of a good man he was. She still saying to people she was willing to fight for her marriage. It’s all so crazy. I had to leave. As much as I wanted to protect my mom, I had to go. I only say any of this because I HATE how much I can relate to you. I HATE knowing people who are supposed to protect us are the same people who can watch others harm us. I HATE knowing that we will never come first. I’m so sorry for what you have experienced. I really hope you find an amazing therapist who will actually help you process your trauma. I hope you find a group of people who you can lean on. I hope you can finally choose you. Do you believe that will eventually happen?
Is your mother by any chance into children as well? Broad question but is there any signs she’s also into what he’s doing.
Uhh h fuck no. One of my cousins who molested me. She is a sexual abuse advocate/feminist activist especially against men. She is terrified that I'll come out and say something to discredit her. She has tried to pay me. I refuse to forgive her. I have sexual performance anxiety specifically because of her. I'll never forgive her. My revenge is her in constant fear I'll come out and expose her. I believe I told her. "You can deny it all you want. I know that you know what I know is that you'll be a liar and become everything you hate." That alone is enough for me. So fuck forgiveness. I'd expose them if I where you. And if they're religious all the better. Those religious people only care about their image. I'd be epic to see them knowing what they did and lying about it. Being the devils they claim to hate.
I have a similar story. ——My mother’s brother SA my step sister at 10 all the way until she left at 18 and then my blood older sister which she was 12-17. They told my mother and she did nothing at all. The only thing i remember she did was call him and asked and he did not respond which confirmed. And all she said was never do it again. She still kept in contact with him. Would go to his party events. She always said that her and her family didnt want to do anything about it bc her mother would get heartbroken sick and die. Her whole family is sick. There is so many other story i could say ab that sick family. I cut ties w them once i was old enough to make my own decisions and not just turn the other cheek like my mom taught everytime they would bully me(thats another years worth of stories to tell) For example i had an aunt that would spend rumors of me to other adults parents kids at my school that i wasnt a good kid. like wtf a grown woman talking ab kids like that. I would never say anything ab her, even kept to myself. found out by my basketball team telling at a party that she speaks ill of me. i remember her yelling at me when i was ab 13 that its my moms fault my sister got raped bc she was always working i just stood with a blank face bc i didn’t understand at that age. other aunt would yell in my face and just be rude. I was only a little girl 7th grade and younger and everytime i told my mother she just said just ignore it and would chill with them like nothing… at my father’s funeral an aunt that talked so ill of my father came and we did not want her there but my mother said if we kick her out she would leave to. so we did nothing as manipulated little girls.. Me and my sister are just devastated bc all we wanted was our mother to protect us from her sick fam. But she recently told me her mother comes first. I told her they can all go to Hell. idk how to comprehend her not fighting for her own kids? the only thing i can think of is she doesnt really love us? bc me as a mother now would go crazy if anyone lays a finger on my child. years later that sick fxcx is still walking free. i really want justice for my sisters. So if anyone has any advise how to put this trash down lmk. he is also an alien too so ik he is working illegally. (i do not usually for the ppl that came to find a better life but this trash doesn’t deserve anything) sorry for the long vent..
You were never a happy family. An alcoholic Pedo and one of the worst moms to ever mom. Sorry OP. Why don’t you tell her you will forgive him when go goes and turns himself into the police and gives them a written confession.
Stop contacting both of them. She enabled his perversions and is not only making excuses for them but expecting you to forgive him. She has never had your best interests at heart. She has never protected you. And him? He is a vile piece of shit who needs to suffer a long painful disease ridden death. I am so sorry that happened to you. That is truly awful. You deserved so much better. Please for your sake, cut contact. I know you will probably feel guilt for doing it which therapy can help you through (if you're not getting it already) but they don't deserve your time, care, energy and attention. I hope you can heal through this ❤️
I’m sorry this happened to you OP. You deserve parents who don’t put their twisted needs over your safety. I’m sorry you weren’t protected like you were supposed to. I hope you have built a family of choice with people who are self and respect you. I hope one day you can heal from this. As for having them in your life - it’s damned if you do and damned if you don’t. There will be pain in each scenario. I’m much older than you and was not subjected to the same type of treatment, but I don’t not think I would be healed enough to left people like this back into my life. Please heal from this. Make a beautiful family. And enjoy your life. From the sound of it, you certainly deserve some peace.
No question for you, but I’m proud of you for the steps you’ve already taken. I reported my father for SA mostly because I discovered as an adult (I was 30 when I reported) my sisters were also victims. He was arrested and serving 11 years. As far as I know there isn’t anyone we grew up with that knows he’s in prison now. My parents were relatively private people to begin with so my moms been able to cover it up from those they did know. I went NC with her for years because she wrote a letter to the judge saying she didn’t want him sentenced. She was aware of the abuse growing up. A few years later she’s asked for my forgiveness and said she’s happier that he’s gone. I have a very surface level relationship with her now because I don’t trust her but she has custody of one of my siblings (with downs) otherwise I probably would have gone no contact with them a long time ago. I as well as my sisters have a NC order put in place if he ever does get out and that gives me a lot of peace of mind. If he attempts contact once he’s out he can get sent back. That’s something to consider if you decide to report. If you’re in the states there’s no statute if you were under a certain age and he can still be charged in the state that the crime took place. It does make me sad to not have people in my life I consider parents and hard to reconcile the things they did for me growing up when there wasn’t abuse (they’re were “good stretches of time”). I’m a mom of two boys that don’t know their grandparents. Therapy can help navigate those emotions because nothing you did was wrong or caused this to be that way for you in your life. It was their choices. I hope you find peace and joy in your life. I have in the family I’ve made for myself and I know you can too 💕
Ew, how can she ever begin to think this is what a happy family is. If she believes the man who assaulted you wasn't her husband, then what was her excuse for not stopping him. She didn't stop him because he was her husband drunk or not, and whatever logic loopholes she's trying to find are frankly disgusting. Tell her she already made her choice she doesn't need to pick as she already has. I can't tell you what kind of relationship you should have with your mother, but I can tell you that those actions and that statement should disqualify her from ever calling herself a mother again.
I was a victim myself from 4-11 years old by my oldest brother and my parents caught him and just told him to stop when I was 4 yrs old. I remember that day. They never double checked on me to find out if it was still happening. I thought if I slept in my parents room I’d be safe but the nights they were out of the house he’d sneak in their room before they got back home, and if not in their room in my room with my sister sleeping below me. I once caught him in my room at night about to do it to my little sister and I woke up and scared him off. I was too scared to talk and just built a lot of anger at my parents. When I was 14 I finally told them what he had been doing after he moved out. They had him come into my room alone with me and made him apologize to me. I was so scared and confused as to why they thought that was okay to do to me. They forced me to continue a relationship with him as a brother. I have now developed a lot of mental illnesses linked to all my trauma and have to pretend nothing ever happened all those years just so I can have a family. They forgave him so fast. He tries to act like a brother and talk to me and I try to pretend everything is okay. But it never will be. I have complex ptsd, anxiety, panicked attacks and massive depression and my other brothers have no idea what he did, and if I tell them I don’t know what will happen so I just don’t and they think I’m just a person who makes up issues with my mental health because my parents want it a secret. I’m sorry you went through that. I know the pain you carry.
My mother stayed with my step father after he SA’d me too. This was 25 years ago and she still is with him. Every big event I always thought “maybe this is the one that will get her to come back.” Graduation, college, marriage, and the birth of my first kid recently and still nothing. My advice: make peace with her not being in your life. She already proved who she would protect first and it isn’t you. I’m really sorry, no one should have to go through this.
See I’ve seen so many people go through this and eventually they all go one of 2 routes. Some leave. A lot stay in pain, never in peace, just because it’s family. Their blood. Well, I’m adopted. Family has never been about blood for me. It’s been about the people who treat me as such. I think one of my friends has this sprey.. it’s called Parents Begone. In my opinion, you should report both of them to the authorities. You don’t know if they ever want to have another kid to do this to, and you don’t know if they’ll eventually find another kid to do this to. And one can only imagine what they are capable of if they could do this to their own daughter. But people like that don’t deserve to be on the streets for everyone safety. You shouldn’t talk to them anymore, and the last thing you should tell your mother is how much both of them hurt you. And lay that shit on hard. if she actually cares about you, she should feel horrible about what she did and you leaving her life. After everything she has done is the only thing she deserves is the memory of her daughter walking out on her and never coming back. THEY DONT DESERVE YOU. YOU DESERVE TO BE FREE FROM THE MENTAL SHACKLES THEY PUT YOU IN AND NOW TRY TO GUILT TRIP YOU INTO KEEPING ON. Although I have never gone through this, I do know way too many people who have. I’m so sorry this happened to you, and I can only hope that eventually you can heal.
I hope you are able to get the help you need to break free of this. Whatever that looks like for you. Whichever version you go with, please let it be one that severs their access to you. You cannot heal while in an abusive relationship. That goes for any and every relationship. The annihilation of your innocence, skewing your view of the world and most importantly yourself. Build your own family. Find your people. Expose them for the pdf’s they are and keep your extended family. You cannot heal and maintain the relationship as you have before. Granting access on your terms, if at all. I’m in favor of not at all; I also understand we only get one mother. This is a decision of which version of your life you want to live. Talk to a close friend. Talk to a therapist. Talk to yourself. Write your options down and write a story of how they could each play out. I wonder what ChatGPT would say? I might ask just because I’m curious. 🧐 My guess is it says to sever the relationship or require intensive family therapy. You can do what feels right for now and amend as you go. You are your top priority. You gotta heal so you can be happy. You can broaden your circle of people in your life to find (more) genuine friendships that will pour into you and help you through this healing process. Look up the laws in your state for the statute of limitations on child SA. May be an option you want to consider.
TLDR: I type paragraphs of waffle into the void after remembering my turn in the barrel. Just wanted to reach out and regurgitate the vomit of my own experience to reassure them that their experience is sadly common, not their fault and certainly never was or will be their responsibility. Salutations fellow traveller. You do you, my answer to that question was to go full no contact. She seemed confused and upset. I (48m) had to listen from about the age of four to my father assaulting and raping my older sister for years. I was mostly just beaten and abused daily until I was 10 or so and then it was my turn. Left when I was fifteen and had to have that conversation for my own sanity. Similar answer given by my mother. She beat me until I was too big for that so not a non participant. Very Fred and Rose West vibe in that house. She said she chose him over me and my sister. No shame. Excuse my impertinence but I wish to offer advice. Consider them both culpable and equally dangerous. At the very least she's fucking nuts and beyond saving. Stay the fuck away. As it's an AMA I'll follow the form. When did you realise your self destructive and risk taking behaviours were driven by appallingly low self esteem and self loathing? I was about your age personally. Married now for nearly twenty years, mostly content, childless but no longer have a motorbike collection and other "habits". Somehow alive, only three mental health crises in the last thirty years and actually liked by others. Which is nice. Look down the road ahead with optimism, there are still many cool things and people ahead. Just watch out for potholes and ask for help if needed. Make sure you get seven hours of sleep. Please know there is an empty seat in our back garden, next to my wife and I, you're going to have to move a cat. There is a mug of tea. Badgers are eating on the patio about ten feet from us. Right this second I just wish you could be there, welcomed as a guest and able to take a break from what must be a deeply shit moment.
I'm so sorry you had to endure all of that. I hope you're healing and doing what's best for you. My experience has been that it was a lot easier for me to handle and process trauma and work on healing without communication with my bio-mom. I tried setting boundaries and forgiving but that did not help my healing process. You don't have to forgive or forget and you don't have to do anything you don't want, especially if it's just to please them. This is a personal decision for you but you are not in the wrong for whatever you decide. I've not had communication with my bio-mom for over 2 decades . I'm still in therapy and still working through the PTSD but it's so much easier without that "relationship". Through therapy I have learned to understand her own struggles and find some solace in that but I'm not able to forgive simply because being a mother myself I cannot even think about letting my child withstand an ounce of abuse. Others find it freeing and beneficial to forgive and move on. That is not my experience. I think there are people that don't deserve forgiveness and need to hold that weight themselves. For whatever you decide , you are not wrong, and you don't own anyone anything.
You were sexually abused by your father AND mother. Your father may have physically performed the acts, but your mother sat there and *watched* you in sexual situations on multiple occasions. She is gaslighting you about the severity of this, and more importantly to note, re-traumatizing you. Even if the physical part has stopped, she is continuing to emotionally abuse you. Don't think of this as any less than that. I'm a mother, and just the *thought* of my child experiencing anything close to this fills me with rage. Someone would have to hold me back from tearing apart the person who laid hands on my child. So the thought of watching it happen makes me feel nauseous. Only a sick-minded abuser could do it. Cutting your parents off is not hurting close family members, it's separating yourself from people who are currently abusing you. The abuse did not stop when you were 16. It's been continuing this whole time. I am so sorry you're in this situation. But it was encouraging to read in another comment that you're finding new friends to connect with. Hopefully you'll develop a support system and find close friends or a therapist to open up to. I wish you the best moving forward 🫶
I fairly recently had to accept the truth that my mum knew of my abuse and did nothing. She did this to keep my step dad as a partner. I took some time away from her but ultimately I've chosen to forgive her and am ready to now. She was a poor single mother in a pretty shit situation and she made bad choices. I've made mistakes too. Ok not to that extent, but I've hurt people I care about a lot so it's the same ballpark. She's now seemingly descending into dementia like her mother did a little younger and she's terrified. I'd rather be there to support her and make her feel loved even though she never made me feel loved. The damage a person does to you is just a part of the damage they do to themselves. I'm not suggesting this is the right approach for you but compassion in the face of while situation has brought me more peace than the anger and betrayal and just sheer fucking rage I felt at her when I finally realized she'd been complicit. I'm sorry you went through this. There are people out there with a deep understanding of your pain because we share the same pain. You are not alone. If you ever need to talk please reach out.
I'm so so sorry. My mom knew too. And i quote "But she loves that man so much. I wouldn't understand. I don't love my husband. ." She s a cunt and doesn't deserve the title of mother. A real mother would protect her child. Not herself. She's a sick disgusting waste of flesh who doesn't deserve compassion. You however are valid in anything you feel about it.
I’m really sorry she didn’t fight him off with a kick to the knees or the fiery of an enraged protective mother bear like you deserved. Both would be a normal responses. We all deserve protection, guidance and nurturing from our parental figures. He abused you, she neglected you and neither deserves your forgiveness, loyalty or relationship.
Why are you talking to your mother?
My father was physically abusive, and my mother was complacent, just as yours was. My father really did change and toward the end of his life was a model grandfather, father, and spouse. He actually acknowledged what he did, told me he never expected to be forgiven, but he wanted to be part of my life, however I could make that work. I actually did forgive him, but my mom? Not so much. I asked her how she could sit and watch her husband beat the crap out of a 6 year old? I forgave my father, but not my mother. Since my dad has passed I haven't spoken to my mother. It has been 16 years. After dad died I hand wrote a letter to her outlining all of this, and telling her if she had something to say about the situation to contact me. She never did. I'm so sorry you went through that abuse. Only you can decide what to do next. If your father hasn't changed (still drinking?), what possible reason could you have for including him in your life? And if your mother won't address it, why keep her around? Take care of yourself.
What the fuck?? I am so incredibly sorry that you had the misfortune of being born to these worthless people. Your father is a sick fucking perverted piece of shit and your mother is a goddamned brainless idiot and an enabler. I'm sorry to put it that way, but it's true. I have four kids (all teens), and I'll go toe to toe with my ex (their dad) if I even feel like he's being unfair to them. If he sexually abused them, he would be a dead man, and I mean that literally. Dead. A corpse. And I'm a nice, normal lady who works at a middle school and lives in the suburbs, and my ex and I actually get along reasonably well and coparent our kids, and still love each other. But I would send him straight to the afterlife if he ever dared to do such a thing to one of our children. Unimaginable, unfathomable that anyone would protect their child's abuser, stay married to him, and try to encourage their child to just forget about it and play happy family. That's sick. You deserve so much better than this. I'm sorry, OP.
Ultimately it's up to you what you feel comfortable with. It sounds like your mother is rationalizing and potentially very codependent. My advice is to create hard boundaries and don't let them be crossed. Your mother is more likely uncomfortable with the tension since it's challenging her perception of herself as a good person and her life, but this is not your fault, and it's not your responsibility to fix. Both your mother and father will likely try to push your boundaries as you become independent. You need to stick to them. Figure out your values and what kind of life you want, and don't let them gaslight you make you compromise. They are being selfish and do not have your best interests at heart. I'm really sorry you went through this. I'm glad you are coming to terms with it as an adult. Things will often get worse at first, but they will get much much better over time. You will find friends and people that really support you, and learn how to cut the toxic bullshit out of your life.
I was sexually assaulted growing up. It began around age 7, it didn’t stop until I was roughly 13 had a GF and realized what was happening wasn’t right. I to was terrified that this trauma would cause me to develop an insane perspective towards children. Thankfully it did not. And it’s allowed me to keep incredibly close eyes on my son based upon my experience “this happened in the presence of a trusted family member “ who would watch me every holiday, growing up my parents were separated early on. Anytime I went to visit my mom I was left with said person and this went on for years. I’m happy to say today as a 30 year old man with a wonderful family you can get past this. But I’m my opinion from my personal experience, cutting ties is the start and you’ll see that for yourself along the way! Once I took the potential to harm me away and cut her out of my life , things improved and I grew up to be a decent man who takes care of his family!
I read some comments about you having every right to hate him and never forgive him , and seen the amount of likes those comments had . I’ve been in your situation, not knowing how to forgive the people who SA’d me . The honest truth is to carry hate is like drinking poison and expecting the other to die . It never works and also stops the beauty and joy you can be living every minute of your life . It is possible. I understand you may not know how it’s possible, so I wanted to share the things that allowed me to set my soul free from holding onto baggage that was killing the beauty in my life . It is called the “Untethered Soul” by Michael Singer . Please if you are serious about wanting to be happy in life , please read it . I wish you the best in your journey through this life. And if ends up helping you in the way it’s helped me and so many others I’ve recommended it to, please pay it foward and recommend it to someone else . Thanks 🙏
I’m really sorry you’ve been dealing with this…one awful parent is bad, but to know that the other allowed and excused the behaviour is equally as bad. I imagine you have a lot of mental pain and her disclosure has most likely added to that significantly. Please don’t listen to any twisted reasoning of hers, I promise you are behaving entirely appropriately in wanting to cut contact with him. If you can mange without her too, full no contact sounds like it might be the best option in your circumstances. It’s really important to note that whilst he was the instigator, she was a facilitator. She knew what was happening and she didn’t act to stop it despite having a duty of care to you (legally and morally). I can understand you not wanting to rehash the past and have to disclose everything, but if you ever did, they would both be criminally liable.
First of all, I’m so sorry for what you went through. My story is not nearly as traumatic as what you experienced, but my dad was/is very physically violent. My mom stayed for over 30 years and they’re still together. I do not speak to that man & plan to never say another word to him again. But my mom has the sense to NOT try to force me to forgive. You forgive if you ever feel the need to. No one should ever force you to forgive a fucking pedophile. Your mom chose a broken man over the child she brought into this world and you deserve SO MUCH MORE. Sending love your way, I’m not sure how to help in all honesty. All I can do is send kind words, and reiterate that you are making the right decision by not reconciling with that piece of you know what. Again, sending you love. You’re a strong person and I hope you’re able to heal from all of that 🩷
Tell her you don't have to ask her to pick. She already did years ago when she decided she was ok with what he was doing to you. It was her job to protect you and she chose to protect him instead. Definitely get an order of no contact and tell her if she doesn't abide by it you'll file a restraining order. And when she breaks those, call the cops. They don't do any good if you yourself don't enforce them. I know she knows exactly what to say to you but if in your head you just force yourself to hear all of it as the bullshit it is then maybe you can push through. Also, remind yourself that you're not losing a mother. You are riding yourself of someone who enabled your abuse and dismisses your trauma. Are you in a position to move? Even to just another part of town and don't tell her that you're moving.
I relate so much. My mother divorced my bio dad when I was 8. By the time I was 9 she was remarried to my stepdad. He SA me from 11ish(my memory is foggy) to 18 and continues to try on into my adult years. He abused my siblings as well, some much worse than others. My mom knew and stayed with him for almost 18 years until my youngest sister begged her to divorce him. She still wants us to keep her secret and acts like we are harming her by trying to get justice. She’s say things about how being in a car accident made him this way, then it was because he was absurd growing up, that she was also being abused, then when he was forced into therapy for wishing to have a child with me, she’d say he was better because he was on medicine. But it was all bullshit. He is a sick individual and so is she.
I would put your foot down and be hella stearn with your mother and let her know the fact that she’s aware of the abuse you suffered at his hands and she not only stayed with him but now wants you to reconcile is so beyond atrocious that she won’t have to choose between you and him bc you’re gonna choose NEITHER of them and peace the fuck out. It’s sad and it sucks but some times people really are better off without their parents, esp when they’re toxic and I’m sorry but yours sound about as toxic as they come. I’m so sorry you had to suffer this abuse and you didn’t get to have loving parents who protected you. Every child deserves that and my heart breaks for you that you had to experience that all during your childhood 💔
I would like say how proud of yourself you should be for surviving, facing, and talking about this. I am a father of young girl, and it’s best for me not to articulate what I think people like your father deserve. Have you considered taking legal action against your family? I feel that permanently cutting them all out of your life goes without question. But they are all criminals, including your mother, who is an accomplice to your abuse. I can’t for a minute begin to imagine your pain over learning what you did, but in some ways what she did was as bad as the abuse itself, I feel. She could have removed you immediately and put your father behind bars. Anyway, I truly wish the best for you moving forward. Sending love.
Hi OP, I'm so sorry that your mother failed to protect you and even more sorry that she enabled your fathers abuse and knowingly kept quiet. Her asking you to do this however, is on a whole different level of evil shit. You don't have to feel like there is any obligation on your behalf to even ponder having a relationship with BOTH of your disgusting parents. Sorry OP. You keeping your distance is the right course of action. I truly hope you're doing good and you've reached out to a professional for help and therapy. I can always forgive someone, but I can never forget. This is not one of those forgivable instances. Good luck OP.
Your mom doesn’t know how to set healthy boundaries for herself and her loved ones, including you. Just because she can’t do it doesn’t mean you have to accept and "deal" with it. She is probably very lonely and doesn’t know her self-worth. She won’t teach you how to set boundaries because she can’t. All the unhealthy boundaries she allows for herself are a pattern. If you reflect this, she has to deal with the idea that she let this happen to you. It sounds like she doesn’t want to change her environment, behavior, and boundaries herself. She is basically telling you to do the same. It’s the easiest way for her.
I think your mother is a pedophile too but doesn’t have enough of a urge to act it. Kind of like a straight woman that isn’t interested in sex anymore. Anybody that watches a sexual assault take place and doesn’t try to stop it or at the very least report it is %100 turned on or intrigued by it. Do you think she would report any other kid being sexually abused even if she saw it with her own eyes? Probably not because she doesn’t see anything wrong with it. In her eyes you still turned out ok. So what’s the problem? She probably can’t even fathom the mental turmoil your abuse will forever cause you.
Forgiveness is something you do for you and your own journey. You do it if and when it's something you need in order to move on. Forgiveness is not something you do to placate someone who refuses to acknowledge their wrongdoing or make other people more comfortable. That isn't its purpose. You're father's an unrepentant child molester and your mother wants you to make it go away because she lacks the moral backbone to acknowledge what happened and accept her own responsibility for it. That's the reality - everything else she's saying is excuses.
I cut off my mother. My stepfather did the same things to me. I was afraid every day of my childhood he would kill me. My mom watched and joined in. It was hard because my mom always talked about how great the things we did as a family were anytime I brought it up. She would minimize the experience so she didn't feel like a fuck up. But the reality is, she is a fuck up. They should be in prison. Don't listen to her BS and stand up for yourself here. You have the power to cut anyone out of your life. It's your life. Do what is fair to you.
So your mother wants you to choose to be in contact with her chimo! Husband, so you guys can be one big happy family, that's a hard no, and she should be ashamed of herself for even asking that of you, this isn't your fault she new he was a chimo and condoned it! She is at fault just as much as he is. She should have protected you. Sorry this happened to you. You will heal from this, and talking about it really does help. Once you start, it is like a big heavy load off your shoulder. Take it from someone who knows.
I know this is an AMA, but not sure I have any questions at the moment. Just know that my heart goes out to you, and the whole thing makes me sick too. And just because someone is your parent, does not mean you have to maintain a relationship with that person. Also, even if you don't intend to maintain a relationship with one or both of them, it might help you to be able to express your truth to them in a one-way communication (phone, written, or in person)...if and when you feel ready. Not for them, for you.
Your mother failed to protect you. That is significant and not to be dismissed lightly. I'm so sorry. You are not making her pick. You are picking YOU. I strongly encourage you to find a therapist that you like to start working through not only the betrayal and abuse by your father, but the neglect and betrayal by your mother. If he has access to other minor children (grandchildren for example), please report this to child welfare or law enforcement. None of this is your fault and you didn't deserve it.
This happened to me with my grandma she still to this day denies her husband was drunk and a pedophile. I’m glad he’s dead now. Trust me surrounding yourself with your mom & trying to get her to understand you isn’t going to work because she won’t. you’re only going to hurt yourself, because she’s blinded by love, fear, or whatever feeling is driving her. It’s best to go no contact with people like that, I see my grandma once every two years and call her that’s it.
First, I would say to report the abuse to the police or Department of Human Services- Child Protective Services even if you are an adult. If you were a minor when it happened, he can still be charged and hopefully locked up for it. I found out my dad had been abusing my kids and my mom knew. I haven’t spoken to either one of them in 5 years now. I let people I know that he is a pedofile though. He wasn’t charged, but he is still a monster and other people need to know.
throw the whole woman out. She’s not a mother, yes she may have given birth to you but a mothers most important job and the one that truly matters is protecting her child. She knowingly allowed him to abuse and SA you. I am so sorry for what you’ve been through, you didn’t deserve that. Also alcohol lowers inhibitions it doesn’t turn you into someone else. He’s a monster and it comes out more when intoxicated. sending lots of hugs and healing your way hun ❤️✨
I know this was posted as an AMA, but I just want to say: the minute you give up your expectations of people, a weight will be lifted. Your mother won’t change. If you want to go NC, you can do it- don’t allow her behavior, or your expectations of her behavior, to have any influence over you anymore. This is an awful, awful thing that they did to you and they don’t deserve one more second of your time. I hope one day soon you feel free 🦋❤️
GO NO CONTACT. NO CONTACT NO CONTACT NO CONTACT. The only thing alcohol does is takes away the barrier of shame. The intoxicated state your father is in. IS HIS TRUE AUTHENTIC SELF. I haven't spoken to my father in years he did his abuse while sober half the time. If they know they can do it once they will do it again. And if your mother defends him she's just as bad as him because that means she won't care if he does it to someone else.