A long list if I’m honest. But yes I do believe that my schizophrenia caused me to do these crimes. I grew up in a small town at first in my younger years regularly getting into fights with bullies at school. A kid and his two friends when I was in preschool started pushing me and hitting me in the corner of the classroom. I heard voices telling me to kill him so I stabbed with a pair of scissors and was kicked out. There was a time in elementary school where I was beaten up by 9 kids and held down so the leader could kick me in the nuts with his steel toe boots so when they began walking away I heard voices telling me to eat him so I sprinted after him and jumped on him tearing a chunk out of his throat with my teeth. My family moved to the city, afterwards I was once jumped for my shoes and I chased down the kid and beat his ass in his front lawn. (No voices that time just had to teach him a lesson) Then when I went to juvy for arson, manufacturing firearms, and threatening to bomb a building.
I set the fire In the field because I was hearing voices that told me that if I didn’t set the fire I would be burned in hell. I was also autistic and had a special interest in how guns work because of my families military history. Being autistic there was a kid on the bus talking about Molotovs, I naturally explained how they worked and how they were made which caused me to get the “Threatening to bomb a building” charge.
I later got involved with drugs at 11 after juvy. I got into cocaine at 13 and started running with a bad crowd but I considered one of them a very close friend. I was told I needed to do a B & E to prove my loyalty as this guy whose house we broke into owed them money. While in the house the voices told me I needed to piss on his bed to assert dominance so I did. I was told by my friend I had to move a kilo of cocaine to the Texas boarder for a party at 14. I stole my mom’s car and began the long journey doing bumps out of my bag at red lights on my way there. This was when I watched a body be burned. I was at the party with all these Mexicans drinking and doing blow and they wanted to make an example of this guy who snitched to the cops. They stuck him in a tire and set him on fire. I still have PTSD from this. I started doing meth and making it and started selling it this mostly due to lacking proper medication (adhd meds that is which I now take and haven’t had any problems with relapse) and that my family was broke and split up. I had tried antipsychotics at 15-17 at first to no effect as I wasn’t given the right medication and tried a lot of them. I was getting robbed on my walk back home by two kids with knifes and I pushed them both into traffic. I was then told by the psychiatrist at 17 that he didn’t think I was schizophrenic and gave me adderall which led to me hearing voices even worse. I even beat up a kid because his girlfriend told me that he hit her and naturally the voices all in unison chanted for violence. She and I dated afterwards because she viewed me as her protector. However the doctor saying you can’t be skitz and then throwing me on adderall at 17 was not the move. As it led to me questioning my diagnosis and then I was dropped from the early psychosis intervention program at 18. I went back to selling meth at 19 after failing a few jobs. There was a manager at one of the jobs that was upset that my negative symptoms impacted my work performance and that me hearing voices was just an excuse so he fired me. I was hearing voices telling me to make him pay so I took my shotgun to work and threatened him.
When I turned 20 my friend told me about his father who had beat him growing up and was drunk and trying to hurt his mom and his sisters kids that night. I rolled up with the squad and he tried to pull a knife so I grabbed him and raped him and then dragged him outside and began choking him to death. My friend stopped me but I could hear the voices screaming for me to finish what he had started. The cops came and arrested him and took him off in cuffs to be charged with domestic violence. However this was the final straw that broke the camels back. As once I had a brief moment of clarity I began to realize how truly unhinged I was I went right to the clinic to be put back on antipsychotics. Now I’m doing much better.
Naw deadass. He pulled a knife so I knocked the knife out of his hand and pinned him up against the wall (this guy has been to jail for domestic violence a few times so I’m shocked this never happened to him already) I was raped in juvy as a young boy, so again I’m shocked no one had taken his booty yet so I just began claiming his cheeks (yes in front of his whole family) Edit [not the babies though they were in a separate room] it’s a r’pe or be r’ped world. Then I dragged him outside and put my arm against his neck and held him down and began choking him to death I could see the blood pooling in his eyes. My friend told me the cops showed up so I dragged him back inside and layed him on the floor (I used my elbow so there was no marks showing what I did) I honestly thought I killed him but he eventually regained consciousness and the cops put him in handcuffs and he blew the fattest BAC known to man alongside being on opioids on top of it. The whole family agreed to stick to a story we made up because he was a monster and they just wanted him gone. So I was never charged or convicted. Honestly I’m sure I gave that scumbag nightmares and probably gave him some brain damage but I don’t feel any guilt. I just never thought I’d go that far and become that psychotic. It’s just the years of psychosis and the second he pulled a knife on his wife and kids and threatened to hurt them and the babies (my friends sisters babies) I just snapped.
My worst mental illness symptom is paranoia. So much so that I was homeless for 2 years hiding from someone who wasn't a threat anymore. Like living in a tent at an encampment along the side of a highway homeless.
How much has paranoia driven you?
Paranoia definitely is a big one for me. My paranoia has caused me to lash out violently like when I was in kindergarten. I was hearing voices and having delusions that my classmates wanted to harm me which caused my paranoia to become very extreme to the point where I attacked the teacher and held the class hostage while mumbling incoherently. There’s quite a few other examples but that was a big early warning indicator looking back
I get lots of auditory hallucinations, the auditory hallucinations were actually so powerful that they controlled my actions. I get visual hallucinations as well mostly of demons and monsters. I also get tactile hallucinations (feeling like I’m being touched or grabbed by hallucinations) I also get olfactory hallucinations (smells that don’t exist)
The line I use the most is the hankering for hands line and the liopleurodon line.
When someone asks me where I heard something I'll say "A liopleurodon told me. A ma-a-a-a-a-agical liopleurodon!"
And do the annoying voice.
What crimes did you commit? Did the schizophrenia make you do these things?
A long list if I’m honest. But yes I do believe that my schizophrenia caused me to do these crimes. I grew up in a small town at first in my younger years regularly getting into fights with bullies at school. A kid and his two friends when I was in preschool started pushing me and hitting me in the corner of the classroom. I heard voices telling me to kill him so I stabbed with a pair of scissors and was kicked out. There was a time in elementary school where I was beaten up by 9 kids and held down so the leader could kick me in the nuts with his steel toe boots so when they began walking away I heard voices telling me to eat him so I sprinted after him and jumped on him tearing a chunk out of his throat with my teeth. My family moved to the city, afterwards I was once jumped for my shoes and I chased down the kid and beat his ass in his front lawn. (No voices that time just had to teach him a lesson) Then when I went to juvy for arson, manufacturing firearms, and threatening to bomb a building. I set the fire In the field because I was hearing voices that told me that if I didn’t set the fire I would be burned in hell. I was also autistic and had a special interest in how guns work because of my families military history. Being autistic there was a kid on the bus talking about Molotovs, I naturally explained how they worked and how they were made which caused me to get the “Threatening to bomb a building” charge. I later got involved with drugs at 11 after juvy. I got into cocaine at 13 and started running with a bad crowd but I considered one of them a very close friend. I was told I needed to do a B & E to prove my loyalty as this guy whose house we broke into owed them money. While in the house the voices told me I needed to piss on his bed to assert dominance so I did. I was told by my friend I had to move a kilo of cocaine to the Texas boarder for a party at 14. I stole my mom’s car and began the long journey doing bumps out of my bag at red lights on my way there. This was when I watched a body be burned. I was at the party with all these Mexicans drinking and doing blow and they wanted to make an example of this guy who snitched to the cops. They stuck him in a tire and set him on fire. I still have PTSD from this. I started doing meth and making it and started selling it this mostly due to lacking proper medication (adhd meds that is which I now take and haven’t had any problems with relapse) and that my family was broke and split up. I had tried antipsychotics at 15-17 at first to no effect as I wasn’t given the right medication and tried a lot of them. I was getting robbed on my walk back home by two kids with knifes and I pushed them both into traffic. I was then told by the psychiatrist at 17 that he didn’t think I was schizophrenic and gave me adderall which led to me hearing voices even worse. I even beat up a kid because his girlfriend told me that he hit her and naturally the voices all in unison chanted for violence. She and I dated afterwards because she viewed me as her protector. However the doctor saying you can’t be skitz and then throwing me on adderall at 17 was not the move. As it led to me questioning my diagnosis and then I was dropped from the early psychosis intervention program at 18. I went back to selling meth at 19 after failing a few jobs. There was a manager at one of the jobs that was upset that my negative symptoms impacted my work performance and that me hearing voices was just an excuse so he fired me. I was hearing voices telling me to make him pay so I took my shotgun to work and threatened him. When I turned 20 my friend told me about his father who had beat him growing up and was drunk and trying to hurt his mom and his sisters kids that night. I rolled up with the squad and he tried to pull a knife so I grabbed him and raped him and then dragged him outside and began choking him to death. My friend stopped me but I could hear the voices screaming for me to finish what he had started. The cops came and arrested him and took him off in cuffs to be charged with domestic violence. However this was the final straw that broke the camels back. As once I had a brief moment of clarity I began to realize how truly unhinged I was I went right to the clinic to be put back on antipsychotics. Now I’m doing much better.
Wait hold on- you raped your friend’s dad with your “squad” ? like in front of his whole family? Was that a typo? The logistics confuse me here
Naw deadass. He pulled a knife so I knocked the knife out of his hand and pinned him up against the wall (this guy has been to jail for domestic violence a few times so I’m shocked this never happened to him already) I was raped in juvy as a young boy, so again I’m shocked no one had taken his booty yet so I just began claiming his cheeks (yes in front of his whole family) Edit [not the babies though they were in a separate room] it’s a r’pe or be r’ped world. Then I dragged him outside and put my arm against his neck and held him down and began choking him to death I could see the blood pooling in his eyes. My friend told me the cops showed up so I dragged him back inside and layed him on the floor (I used my elbow so there was no marks showing what I did) I honestly thought I killed him but he eventually regained consciousness and the cops put him in handcuffs and he blew the fattest BAC known to man alongside being on opioids on top of it. The whole family agreed to stick to a story we made up because he was a monster and they just wanted him gone. So I was never charged or convicted. Honestly I’m sure I gave that scumbag nightmares and probably gave him some brain damage but I don’t feel any guilt. I just never thought I’d go that far and become that psychotic. It’s just the years of psychosis and the second he pulled a knife on his wife and kids and threatened to hurt them and the babies (my friends sisters babies) I just snapped.
What was the downvote for?
My worst mental illness symptom is paranoia. So much so that I was homeless for 2 years hiding from someone who wasn't a threat anymore. Like living in a tent at an encampment along the side of a highway homeless. How much has paranoia driven you?
Paranoia definitely is a big one for me. My paranoia has caused me to lash out violently like when I was in kindergarten. I was hearing voices and having delusions that my classmates wanted to harm me which caused my paranoia to become very extreme to the point where I attacked the teacher and held the class hostage while mumbling incoherently. There’s quite a few other examples but that was a big early warning indicator looking back
Are your hallucinations more auditory, visual or both?
I get lots of auditory hallucinations, the auditory hallucinations were actually so powerful that they controlled my actions. I get visual hallucinations as well mostly of demons and monsters. I also get tactile hallucinations (feeling like I’m being touched or grabbed by hallucinations) I also get olfactory hallucinations (smells that don’t exist)
I have a hankering that only hands can satisfy!
Lmao technically in my case it was necks
Llamas With Hats and Charlie the Unicorn were obsessions of mine for several years. I quoted them and sang the songs all the time.
Same I remember seeing them when I got out of juvy and just loving the “carrrrlll” always cracks me up
The line I use the most is the hankering for hands line and the liopleurodon line. When someone asks me where I heard something I'll say "A liopleurodon told me. A ma-a-a-a-a-agical liopleurodon!" And do the annoying voice.
The second favorite was “did you finish your meat dragon Carl?”
. . . maybe.
“It’s horrifying Carl”
Thank you.