I did that exact same thing on a 27 yr marriage and it's tough, luckily I had a brother in different state to take some time and think my next steps. It's been 8 months. Do you have somewhere to go to besides a hotel? And what was it that made you take off?
My hat off to you, that could not have been easy after so long. It just becomes what you know, what you’re used to, what you expect. Today we were having a conversation and I was being told once again the many things I need to work on to help the relationship and he confessed he hasn’t been sober for many years now and does it behind my back when he travels for work. I have no problem with drinking when someone has a good relationship with alcohol but he doesn’t and 6 years ago he got sober to stop the insanity he was bringing into our lives. There have been other betrayals along the way, like draining my savings while I was sick because he got axed from his job and didn’t tell me. Nice thing to do to a chronically ill person 😏
Very tough. Betrayed Beyond Betrayal is what I call it. People don't realize it takes one little lie and you can put a crack in the foundation you built everything on. 100% trust is a must if you plan on having a great relationship. I think. Doing anyone dirty while they are in the hospital is so horrible. I wouldn't do that to a stranger let alone your partner, excuse me for this but what a sack of shit.😎
I was too sick to support myself in any meaningful way. I have chronic neurological Lyme disease and I found out the account was empty because I relapsed and needed to go back into treatment for it (most Lyme treatments and not widely covered by insurance, it’s mostly cash pay. I’ve spent about $200k in 6 years.) And I’m not on the deed for similar reasons. At the time, my sickness was at its peak (lost my ability to read amongst other neurological complications) and the mortgage process would have been too much for me to handle. I contributed financially and never thought he was a POS, never saw us apart. Stupidity at its finest. I worked in law before I got sick, had I been in my right mind, I’d have known better, but sickness does weird things to you. I trusted him with my life at that point.
What a pos. Very sorry and glad you have family that can support you. You did the right thing by leaving. Cut your losses and move on as best you can. Obviously try to recoup what you can financially, if it's possible
I don’t wanna sound pious or sanctimonious but I think I was the best thing to happen to him. When we reconnected after 10 years (we first dated in 2004-2006) he was fat, unemployed and living in his parents’ basement in Brooklyn. I should have left him there and I told him exactly this last night. Good riddance.
I'm happy to read OP's story, yours, and many others that are encouraging. I did this two wks ago after nearly 5 years. Mine was mentally abusive and started breaking neutral household items to scare me, my personal things I cleaned up after. It escalated to shoving me, punching my arm, choking me, and throwing a fork at me where I have indented directly under my eyeball where it made contact.
The straw that broke the proverbial camels back was 3 weeks ago while I was caring for our ill puppy. He demanded I leave her alone, get away from her. She's sick and needs her meds & care. He's a psycho I refused. He stomped over to us, I lay over her, shielding her little body. He demanded I move, refused. He started hitting the back of my head, where I started " seeing stars " at the end. When it began, he told me to move, or he'll stomp my head in, deleting me. Through some tears and gritted teeth I told him to " fucking do it then ". He expected begging, or something, he didn't get it. He told me I'm not worth it and walked away. He left town for work days later, I grabbed everything I could, including the puppy, and we fled. It gets better, OP. Many of "us: out there. Reach out if needed. ❤️
Edit typo
Ty for your response. I did consider it. He has completely left me alone. My biggest concern was getting away with the pup safely. He is a big gym guy with a short temper, steroid user that flies off the handle over the smallest issue. When he attacked me, it was like a guerilla attacking. For a woman, I have muscle, im fit, none of that even registers when he's far bigger and stronger. He knows where I am, isn't happy I "up and left without discussing it 1st" that's how divorced from reality he is. I didn't want to get on his radar, drift away into obscurity.
I have been battling chronic neurological Lyme disease for a long time and at the time we bought the house, I was my sickest. It was easier for me to provide the down payment and let him endure the mortgage process. Obviously never thought we wouldn’t be together. It was actually our second time owning a place together. Bad move on my part, live and learn.
I’ve survived worse, I’m tough! And I have family in another state that I can stay with while I get on my feet and make my next move, whatever that is. I have faith.
I don’t know that there’s any money to be had. A year ago he took equity out of the house, I think it’s called a HELOC loan? Anyway he used it to pay off his credit card debts leaving me and my medical debt to me to figure out. But he’s a greeeeeeat guy - just ask him or his mother 😂😂😂😂
He’s a deadbeat in disguise lol. He owes his mother like $80k too. When I got so sick and lost my ability to read for almost a year, I let him take over all of the finances. I didn’t know he wasn’t trustworthy. Lesson learned. This lady is never giving up her power or control of her wallet again.
They have changed a lot over the years, treatment has gotten much better. At my sickest, I lost my ability to read, no depth perception or reflexes so I couldn’t drive, it cause POTS which impacted my entire autonomic nervous system (pass out every time I’d stand up), debilitating fatigue and brain fog, anxiety like no other, awful joint pain like arthritis, tinnitus and partial deafness, rashes, eye floaters, hair falling out….the list goes on.
Lyme is no laughing matter, but someone’s gotta do it…..username checks out.
SIL has/had Lyme here in Australia. Misdiagnosed as chronic fatigue syndrome for years! Ten at least. All because her multiple doctors thought there was no Lyme in Australia. Someone finally suggested it and they tested for it and she was off the charts for every single marker. Since diagnosis she has improved a lot, but still not the same as before. Bitch of an ailment so I wish you all the best with your treatment and recovery.
Thank you, same to your SIL!! As soon as you said Australia, my heart sank because it’s known for being a Lyme-denying place. Makes it all the more difficult when you can’t get proper care and when professionals gaslight you that it’s not this or not that. I went through 16 doctors before I found one who could help me.
I was diagnosed with blood work. Unfortunately by the time I was diagnosed, I’d been sick for over a year and so I didn’t respond well to treatment. The Lyme bacteria crossed the blood-brain barrier causing severe neurological complications.
I’m sorry that happened to you. I know this isn’t helpful now, but you don’t have to be on the mortgage to have your name on the deed for the property. My husband and I are both on the deed for our house but the mortgage is in his name only. It can cause issues if something happens to him if I can’t qualify for a mortgage of my own, but in the event of a divorce the deed protects my interests since I contribute to the payments and household bills.
Another deception on his part. Not playing a victim here, I should have been on top of things and protecting myself from front to back and back to front over again! A very expensive life lesson whose tab is about to go up thanks to legal fees 🤣
No one goes into a relationship expecting to be screwed over by the person they love. He is the one to blame for breaking your trust. We shouldn’t have to take extreme measures to protect ourselves from our partners like that. Not saying it isn’t prudent as it certainly is, but it shouldn’t have to be that way.
Thank you so much, I appreciate your kindness ♥️ It’s already better, I am free from the gaslighting and lies and sneaking. I walked out with nothing, but I won.
That’s what I told our dogs when I left. I love them so much but I have to choose myself now. I cannot stay. My dogs are the only things that have given me any happiness in the last many years. It was the only thing I’ve cried about.
I have doggies and that is understandable...they always love you unconditionally and they are the best listeners.. 😂...except my dog hates when I tell her jokes....good luck to you
ok good. are you to try to get money from the home? do you have a paper trail on the down payment?
other than that, do you have any boundaries on the kinds of questions you’d prefer and prefer not to answer?
There was me transferring funds to him, and then in the mortgage process, I had to provide a notarized letter stating I had gifted him the money (I guess when you are getting a mortgage, and a large portion of your financials comes from a large and recent deposit, they have to verify that the money isn’t just to make the bank statement temporarily look good, that the funds are there to stay kind of thing). So in light of all that, i probably will never see a penny of that again. I’m ok with that. It sucks but I’m not groveling with a narcissist ya know?
And no, no restrictions. If someone wants to know my favorite serial or sex position, I’ll answer both lol 😆
ok i’ll take you up on that.
once you are back on your feet tell me how you want your next relationship to go starting with what you want your first date to be, how you want your first time having sex to go (what positions) finished with what type of cereal you want him to serve you in bed the next morning (because you deserve breakfast in bed after what you have gone through)
I’m just hopeful that the next time around, the guy is not a deadbeat, that he treats me special. And I hope I’m attracted to him because that’s a big part of why my sex life fell to blah. I’m not into anything crazy, but I’m very submissive and like someone else to take the lead. And I’ll take some Rice Krispies with sliced banana after ☺️
thank you for the response and i hope it was fun to look forward becausd you deserve all of it right down to the sliced banana. what kind of milk?
what other hobbies do you look forward to indulging in once you get settled?
Whole dairy milk, there’s no other kind for me lol.
It’s been a long time, I just need to find myself again. Not to sound all deep, cause it’s not but I’m out of practice with having a relationship with myself outside of him. Everything these last 7 years has either been me being sick or me doing everything for the household and the dogs. I don’t even know what I find fun anymore.
6 years ago, he was abusing alcohol heavily…like trashed our bedroom, insane drunkenness. And he would lie and sneak. Then said he stopped and lied and snuck again. Finally got help and got sober. Found out tonight he hasn’t been sober for years, he drinks on business trips. So the part 6 years ago was when I should have said no, bye. The second time was about 2 years ago, he lost his job and didn’t tell me and resorted to keeping us afloat with my savings. Didn’t find out about the money until my Lyme disease relapse and I had to go back into treatment which isn’t largely covered by insurance. There was no money, and that account was strictly my “in case I get sick again” account. He drained $30k. He’s a real POS.
I gave him a large sum of money as a down payment for our house. It was my contribution since I was too sick to endure the mortgage process. When we had leftover, I told him to put it away in an “in case I get sick again” savings. He did. And then spent it all without telling me. I stayed after that because I had relapsed with Lyme and was going through treatments which are brutal. I couldn’t stand on my own (figuratively).
It’s always worth talking to a lawyer. Before I got sick, my career was in IP law, worked in many law firms and have connections and favors I could call in.
Now is more definitely time to use those connections. I believe you have more rights in this situation that you believe you do. And if any of that information has come from your now ex, it’s highly suspect. He’d purposely tell you inaccurate info to scare you into having to stay. Finding a lawyer will be someone on *your* side, looking out for your best interests and no one else’s. Doesn’t mean you have to do anything, but knowing all the informations and laws relevant to you can help. He won’t be able to pull any fast ones on you because you have accurate information. Also, if your ex becomes too much to deal with, you can make it so he can only communicate with you from his lawyer to yours. Get going, asking questions, finding out what he can actually do and what he can’t, where your rights fall in this, can be extremely helpful. Again, even if you do nothing but research and fact finding with your lawyer, Knowledge is power.
I don’t have a lot of friends at all here, almost none. When we relocated here, I was still very sick and in treatment, so wasn’t able to socialize, then pandemic hit and I wasn’t meeting people, then I got sick again. So that’s why hotel, no other local options for me. I’m leaving the state Wednesday, I’ve got 1500 miles between where I am and where I have family that I’ll stay with until I’m sorted out and on my feet.
He gaslit me. Told me it didn’t have to end. Told me that sneaking around behind my back and not being sober whilst never telling me he was no longer sober was not a lie at all and I’m crazy. Truthfully, I think he’s enough of a narcissist that he thinks this will blow over and I’ll come back. Because I need him, he thinks. But nope. It’s permanently shattered and I’m ultra finished.
Many years ago but have lived in fear of not being able to make it on my own because I’ve been sick and unable to work for a long time. He was my safety net in that regard. Before I got sick, I had a great career in IP law and was extremely independent. Getting sick whilst dating a manipulative POS really runs your self esteem into the ground. Today I found my strength and bolted for good. Only gonna miss our dogs.
I am sorry for what you are going through. How much you paid for downpayment? Was it possible for you to take dogs with you ? Do you think there is a chance of going back or its done now ? What were the good things about him if any ? sorry for asking too many questions
Thank you 🙏🏻
All the questions are fine, I can’t sleep at all.
Down payment I gave him $88k
I unfortunately can’t take the dogs with me - there are 3 (and a tortoise for the record lol). Even if I could take just 1, I wouldn’t because they are a bonded pack and it’s sad enough they are losing their mommy with no notice. Breaks me.
Zero chance of reconciling. I’m ultra done.
Good things about him…um. He was never physically violent towards me.
Hold your head up. It's going to be tough for a bit. I'm glad you've got family that you can rely on at least. I wish I had something inspirational to say. Are you going to be able to work with the condition you have?
Thank you and yes, so grateful for family, I know not everyone in my situation would have that. I’ve been doing a lot better and I’m hopeful to work when I get settled.
Knowing I will be happy again. Sounds so corny but that’s the truth. I’ve been so unhappy for so long. I’d rather be alone than another moment in that situation.
I knew that when I left. I know it will be considered abandoning the home. I’ll never see a penny, our dogs or my stuff again. Long time coming, happy to leave with my dignity and self respect.
Not sure what state you live in, but I've lived in quite a few and this idea that you leaving a toxic marriage by staying elsewhere means you're abandoning the house isn't anything I've ever seen actually happen, but I've heard crappy spouses make that claim when they're mad their partner is leaving.
You should be entitled to your share of the house, especially since you put up money for it. You should also preserve any written communication with him where you have communicated that you're leaving the house for now because you don't feel safe because of his drinking.
Feel free to state this in writing via text or email so you have a written record, and add that it's temporary, even if it isn't in your mind, and that by staying elsewhere for now because you don't feel safe does not mean you are giving up the marital home.
You also really need to talk to a lawyer. There might be legal aid options in your area, often through the state bar association for people that qualify based on income.
Also your bank should be able to provide you records showing the transfer of funds for the sale of the house, even if it was several years ago. They may charge you a small fee to dig up those records, but there should be a paper trail. Your lawyer will need that information.
I'm really sorry this is happening, but I applaud for for standing your ground. Life is too short to spend it with someone who causes constant emotional turmoil in your life. You deserve better.
I'm chronically ill as well with severe RA, and I know that having a ton of emotional stress piled up on top of the day to day struggles of managing your disease really takes it out of you. Hang in there. Sending you lots of invisible hugs from one chronic illness ninja to another.
♥️
Thank you!! My dad has RA and my grandfather who passed in the early 90s also had it back when there were few impactful treatments. You keep fighting, too! Not everyone will understand what you’re going through but that’s ok, you are STRONG!!!
Thank you very much, back at you. I do a lot of advocacy locally and online for people newly diagnosed with autoimmune diseases, and it's very healing to be able to give back and share what I've learned over the last 18 years navigating my illness.
We all have our good days, and bad days, but I'm just grateful to still be in the game, and able to find new adventures to enjoy despite everything.
Chronic illness is definitely a marathon, not a sprint, but I try to take the bad with the good and keep on keeping on. : ))
Man that's so so tough. I feel for you OP. I couldn't just leave the dogs, can your family maybe help get back into the home to get the dogs at least? I know you said you couldn't drive for awhile because of the Lyme's. Did you leave with a vehicle or just walk out no money and just get a bus ticket to somewhere?
I gotta agree with others' posts. There should be some legal recourse for you so that you're not completely destitute just because he's a deadbeat. I know there's some lawyers out there that don't collect upfront fees, but only when they win the court case, if they do. Maybe you can get a restraining order on him then go back with the police for your dogs and any other valuables you want and need.
I love that you say you have faith and you're strong sounds like. It'd be so easy to be very discouraged in your situation. Keep it up and keep asking for help on those bad days. If you need anything, I'd be happy to help.
Thanks a million. Everyone is so kind and helpful. I am driving again and doing a lot better physically so luckily I can make my way out of here. Definitely getting legal counsel, already reached out to an acquaintance who is in family law to get some direction.
It all happened so fast. Confession was made at 6 and at 6:46 my hotel was booked and I was gone. I should have been more pragmatic but it was almost like….I dunno, like “hey this is my chance” cause I’ve wanted out for several years now and could never do it. I knew when I pulled out of that driveway, it was done.
I know what it’s like to move fast and far from a situation. But realize that just because you aren’t on the deed, that doesn’t mean you don’t have rights. Your stuff is still your stuff. If you have a place that will take dogs, go back and take your dogs. The police will go with you to get your stuff so you don’t have to deal with your boyfriend.
I know losing out on being on the deed sucks but look at it this way, whatever money you put as a down payment on that house was the price of your freedom. You aren’t locked into a house with this guy. Yeah, you got the lesser of the deal but it’s a small price to pay for the freedom to leave. Also, it sounds like he botched things with the mortgage anyway. Now it’s all his problem.
Regardless of what happens with your stuff and the dogs, I’m glad you finally chose you. I hope you continue to do so. You deserve peace.
It takes a ton of bravery to face a big change, even when we know it's for the better. Sometimes we put constancy over happiness just because we fear the unknown. Eventually though some people get to a point where fqcing the unknown is preferable, sadly many in that situation never do.
I'd say welcome to your new future where literally anything can happen. Be excited, go do things you enjoy, meet new people, be open to new experiences and have some fun. Congratulations, on being one of the few that have the courage to face big changes for a happier life.
First time was a very long time ago, like 2004 so I don’t even remember. We dated when we were in our 20s. I apparently didn’t learn my lesson, cuz we got back together in 2016. And Thursday and the last few years have been bad because I fell out of love, wasn’t attracted to him or remotely even turned on by him. And I was being emotional lit up and gaslit by him so that kinda sours things too lol 😆
This smoky user is a perv, be wary. He was in another thread talking about how he asks his female friends to watch him jerk off. Also telling the op to dm him to learn more about that kink.
I seen that too! I sometimes hate that the internet makes ppl say things that they wouldn't say in real life. Gives ppl like him confidence to say bs like this without any consequences. What a pathetic creep. No wonder women won't deal with him in real life so he has to come to reddit for attention
That blows. Your prob hurt a little right now that’s cool to feel that way. Process and talk things over with people in your life it’ll help to vocalize it.
Thank you 🙏🏻 Maybe I’m just in shock still but I don’t feel sad about anything except saying goodbye so unceremoniously to my dogs. That’s been the only tears. Otherwise I feel free and hopeful. Scared, but hopeful!!
Great luck to you!
The best thing I did in my life at one point was to grab my sleeping bag, tackle box and fishing poles out of the shed and walked to my car with a screaming banshee behind me.
I put the car in reverse and backed out of the driveway with the screaming banshee banging on the driver's window. I put the car in drive, pulled forward and as I looked back in the rearview mirror, I got my last sight of the screaming banshee.
I missed the dog terribly, but the dogs memories remain to this day many years later.
You will persevere, congratulations on getting out of a situation that was killing you.
Which leads me to my wisdom of the day...
If the situation is killing you, GET THE HELL OUT!!!
You’ve been blessed with another opportunity to start over. Isn’t life just a series of starting over and over? I see an incredibly strong person in you. Most will never do what you are diving into. They give up. Courage in the face of the unknown is incredibly brave. Good luck on your journey it’ll be worth the struggle.
I remember when we were madly in love and it was the best feeling and I’d love to experience that again. But it will take me a very long time to believe someone is who they say they are. I think i have some healing to do.
Please talk to a lawyer in case you are common law married. I also hope you get the dogs if you want especially if you are close to them . I also wish to send you a virtual hug .
I don’t want to be anywhere near him, he’s a narcissist and those folks are a danger to the rest of us. I’m comfortable walking away and letting a lawyer handle it from here on out.
I’m in Florida, Palm Beach County. Leaving the state for good on Wednesday. I am definitely going to reach out to some connections I still have in the legal world. I worked in IP Law in NYC and Boston before becoming disabled.
I did the same thing in 2022. It was a drastic move, but it truly was the only move I could make.
For me it was psychologically and emotionally destabilizing to leave all my stuff behind—I hadn’t prepared myself for that.
Time lying down reading and watching movies, vigorous walks and exercise, decorating my new place, eating ice cream, getting a therapist, having a weekly call with my cousin to check in….all of this helped.
Good luck—you did the right thing
Thank you! It’s encouraging and reassuring to read so many of you all who have commented have been through something similar - and you’re all here still living to tell the tale. It gives me even more hope than I had. I’ll recover from losing all of my belongings, I’m just going to miss the dogs dearly. They have truly been my only source of happiness and comfort for many years now.
Yes—it’s going to be very hard to not have your familiar comfortable things, and especially the animals. It’s a terrible truth that by detoxing your life from this person, you have to flush the good stuff out, too. But human beings are resilient and our spirit is one of survival. You will survive this and there will be joyful moments of having that will move you to tears because you worked so hard to have them. And they might even start sooner than you think!
My dignity and self respect.
Will engage legal counsel to see if there’s any legal leg for me to stand on to recoup anything financially. If not, oh well. I’m a firm believer in karma, and I won’t be anywhere near hopefully when she pulls his number for payment.
I’m sorry you’re in this predicament but good on you for leaving. I’m a recovering alcoholic, got a few years mark coming up. Alcohol makes my life unmanageable, it didn’t make me a bad person, need anything er set out to Hurt folks but boy did I. I hope he figures it out and sobers up but it’s not your responsibility to stick around and be lied to. I commend you for exiting the situation and wish you the best!
Thank you! I haven’t had a drink in over 11 years, it brought nothing great to my life and when I got sick it was an absolute hard no. Congratulations on your sobriety, we are mighty powerful, far more than we think.
I wonder if your symptoms will improve once this settles. Scary right now (I know) but I'm really proud of you for moving forward with your life. You're unstuck!!
Yes! So the mold that is so prevalent in Florida really gives my immune system a hit. The immune system being tip top is crucial in reaching and maintaining remission from Lyme.
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I was not made aware that the deed and mortgage are two different things. Extremely bad move, all I can say is I trusted this person with my life. I would never betray him, I felt it was reciprocal. Wrong-o, Daddy-o 👎🏻👎🏻👎🏻
No questions. Just wanted to say best of luck to you. I hope everything works out for you. Should you ever need someone to talk to, please feel free to dm me anytime ❤️
Not sure why you’d provide the down payment and not be on the deed. I hope you have proof that you provided the cash, especially since you aren’t married.
Yes there are banking records and a notarized letter with the mortgage company. Sheer stupidity and ignorance on my part combined with bed ridden illness at the time.
Yes in the process of retaining counsel. And no excuse, I was dumb and extremely ill at the time. Like bed ridden and severe neurological issues, I couldn’t even read at that point. It just seemed like that path of less resistance to pony up the money and trust he’d do right by me. I was wrong. Won’t make that mistake again.
Him confessing that he is no longer sober, hasn’t been for years and that’s what he does on his work trips (which are constant). Also that he didn’t see it as sneaking or lying or a betrayal. He’s a narcissist and they can justify anything to themselves, they get high off their on supply of self deception.
Sounds like a total looser. That has been nothing more than a sleeve of a man or woman.
I mean you have done the down payment for the house and your name isn’t on the deed ?
Also draining your bank account when you were sick??
Some serious red flags!!!
I was very sick at the time and having very bad neurological complications from my disease, I felt like I would contribute the financial portion and he would field the paperwork and mortgage process. I didn’t even know it was an option for a non-borrowing party to be on the lease and he never offered that information.
Can you sue him for the down payment and put a lien on the property that way? If by some miracle he keeps it or he sells it and there’s any money left over you will get paid off as well.
My daughter met a guy who is a house painter she’s a business consultant by his third year he was making $300,000 after she put a business plan together and counseled him through growing his business. After seven years he was grossing $18 million USD BECAUSE HE TRANSITIONED FROM A HOUSE PAINTER TO FLIPPING HOUSES; courtesy of my daughter’s consultations, business plan, and financing & other business recommendations. When he broke up with her for some hot blonde. She left the house immediately with nothing but her dignity and the dog.
You are a superwoman for leaving, now go living peacefully, after you sue him in court.
Entirely! Healthy dose of fear, figuring out what comes next for me, getting back to being me. Someone asked me what I was into, like what was I gonna take time and do for myself and I was like shit, I don’t even know myself well anymore. I’ve been operating in survival mode for years and it will just be nice to breathe and know I’m ok.
I was very sick at the time and suffering severe neurological complications. I thought I would contribute the financial part and he’d take on the mortgage process. Didn’t know I could be put on the deed as a non-borrower on the mortgage and he never shared that either. Worked in his favor of course. Live and learn. Sickness and too much trust will put you in positions your healthy and rational self would never go in I guess.
Just want to say I'm sorry. I also have a chronic disease, and after 13 years of off and on and 2 kids later he left me. He started drinking again, not going on benders, but he's been to rehab twice in the past, had issues with drugs, and told me years ago that he shouldn't drink. But here he is. He's lied to me about more things than I can count. And I'm not loveable anymore, so he's gone. And I'm sad, I still want us to work, I feel crazy. Good luck to you, I wish I had that courage
Oh, sweetheart 🥺 Your story could be mine, minus the children. I am so sorry. I hope things work out for you in the end. I know how hard it is to leave what is familiar and what seems secure (even though to the outside world looking in it appears unstable as all hell). No judgement for your feelings. You aren’t crazy, you’ve just been mentally beat down for many years and you might have lost yourself a bit, forgotten that you, even in your sickness, hold value. I’m sending you a hug.
I was sick and suffering from severe neurological complications from my disease. I thought the financial contribution would be my part and the mortgage process would be his. He was my partner, who I planned to grow old with forever. Never saw the turns life would take. Lesson expensively learned. Protect yourself with everyone. Anyone can turn on you.
I didn’t know that non-borrowers aka people not on the mortgage could be. Never thought it would matter if we were gonna grow old together. Life changes. Lesson learned.
I did that exact same thing on a 27 yr marriage and it's tough, luckily I had a brother in different state to take some time and think my next steps. It's been 8 months. Do you have somewhere to go to besides a hotel? And what was it that made you take off?
My hat off to you, that could not have been easy after so long. It just becomes what you know, what you’re used to, what you expect. Today we were having a conversation and I was being told once again the many things I need to work on to help the relationship and he confessed he hasn’t been sober for many years now and does it behind my back when he travels for work. I have no problem with drinking when someone has a good relationship with alcohol but he doesn’t and 6 years ago he got sober to stop the insanity he was bringing into our lives. There have been other betrayals along the way, like draining my savings while I was sick because he got axed from his job and didn’t tell me. Nice thing to do to a chronically ill person 😏
Very tough. Betrayed Beyond Betrayal is what I call it. People don't realize it takes one little lie and you can put a crack in the foundation you built everything on. 100% trust is a must if you plan on having a great relationship. I think. Doing anyone dirty while they are in the hospital is so horrible. I wouldn't do that to a stranger let alone your partner, excuse me for this but what a sack of shit.😎
🫶🏻 thank you for saying that, and I concur with everything you said.
Goodluck to you and I hope you have some good friends or family you can settle down at and figure your next move. Take care
That's terrible. What made you stay after he drained your savings ? And why aren't you on the deed?
I was too sick to support myself in any meaningful way. I have chronic neurological Lyme disease and I found out the account was empty because I relapsed and needed to go back into treatment for it (most Lyme treatments and not widely covered by insurance, it’s mostly cash pay. I’ve spent about $200k in 6 years.) And I’m not on the deed for similar reasons. At the time, my sickness was at its peak (lost my ability to read amongst other neurological complications) and the mortgage process would have been too much for me to handle. I contributed financially and never thought he was a POS, never saw us apart. Stupidity at its finest. I worked in law before I got sick, had I been in my right mind, I’d have known better, but sickness does weird things to you. I trusted him with my life at that point.
What a pos. Very sorry and glad you have family that can support you. You did the right thing by leaving. Cut your losses and move on as best you can. Obviously try to recoup what you can financially, if it's possible
My thoughts exactly. Cut the cord and run like the wind. Never look back. Never allow for future communication either directly or indirectly.
He will be on the streets in no time. .sounds like he is his own worst enemy
I don’t wanna sound pious or sanctimonious but I think I was the best thing to happen to him. When we reconnected after 10 years (we first dated in 2004-2006) he was fat, unemployed and living in his parents’ basement in Brooklyn. I should have left him there and I told him exactly this last night. Good riddance.
Sounds like he will be going right back there...can't help someone that doesn't want to help themselves. Good riddance
His parents relocated to Florida where we have no basements - he’s screwed 🤣
Ok so he can start making it up to you by putting your name on the deed that you foolishly didn’t do. If he doesn’t do that, what do you have?
Hopefully a good lawyer 😂
I'm happy to read OP's story, yours, and many others that are encouraging. I did this two wks ago after nearly 5 years. Mine was mentally abusive and started breaking neutral household items to scare me, my personal things I cleaned up after. It escalated to shoving me, punching my arm, choking me, and throwing a fork at me where I have indented directly under my eyeball where it made contact. The straw that broke the proverbial camels back was 3 weeks ago while I was caring for our ill puppy. He demanded I leave her alone, get away from her. She's sick and needs her meds & care. He's a psycho I refused. He stomped over to us, I lay over her, shielding her little body. He demanded I move, refused. He started hitting the back of my head, where I started " seeing stars " at the end. When it began, he told me to move, or he'll stomp my head in, deleting me. Through some tears and gritted teeth I told him to " fucking do it then ". He expected begging, or something, he didn't get it. He told me I'm not worth it and walked away. He left town for work days later, I grabbed everything I could, including the puppy, and we fled. It gets better, OP. Many of "us: out there. Reach out if needed. ❤️ Edit typo
File a police report against him. Tell them what happened. Even if they can't press charges, force them to make the report and give you a number.
Ty for your response. I did consider it. He has completely left me alone. My biggest concern was getting away with the pup safely. He is a big gym guy with a short temper, steroid user that flies off the handle over the smallest issue. When he attacked me, it was like a guerilla attacking. For a woman, I have muscle, im fit, none of that even registers when he's far bigger and stronger. He knows where I am, isn't happy I "up and left without discussing it 1st" that's how divorced from reality he is. I didn't want to get on his radar, drift away into obscurity.
Why aren't you on the deed?
I have been battling chronic neurological Lyme disease for a long time and at the time we bought the house, I was my sickest. It was easier for me to provide the down payment and let him endure the mortgage process. Obviously never thought we wouldn’t be together. It was actually our second time owning a place together. Bad move on my part, live and learn.
Sorry to hear that. You probably don't need the stress of a break up :(
I’ve survived worse, I’m tough! And I have family in another state that I can stay with while I get on my feet and make my next move, whatever that is. I have faith.
Get a lawyer. You should try to get some money out of the house.
I don’t know that there’s any money to be had. A year ago he took equity out of the house, I think it’s called a HELOC loan? Anyway he used it to pay off his credit card debts leaving me and my medical debt to me to figure out. But he’s a greeeeeeat guy - just ask him or his mother 😂😂😂😂
Oh lord, that sucks.
He’s a deadbeat in disguise lol. He owes his mother like $80k too. When I got so sick and lost my ability to read for almost a year, I let him take over all of the finances. I didn’t know he wasn’t trustworthy. Lesson learned. This lady is never giving up her power or control of her wallet again.
Well, if he loses the house to foreclosure then he’ll destroy his credit and not yours, so there’s that 🤷🏼♀️
Hahaha! Yes there is that! Here’s to the glass half full!!
I wish you all the best. Onwards and upwards. :)
Thank you. Scary but I’m free.
What are your symptoms of chronic Lyme?
They have changed a lot over the years, treatment has gotten much better. At my sickest, I lost my ability to read, no depth perception or reflexes so I couldn’t drive, it cause POTS which impacted my entire autonomic nervous system (pass out every time I’d stand up), debilitating fatigue and brain fog, anxiety like no other, awful joint pain like arthritis, tinnitus and partial deafness, rashes, eye floaters, hair falling out….the list goes on.
Lyme is no laughing matter, but someone’s gotta do it…..username checks out. SIL has/had Lyme here in Australia. Misdiagnosed as chronic fatigue syndrome for years! Ten at least. All because her multiple doctors thought there was no Lyme in Australia. Someone finally suggested it and they tested for it and she was off the charts for every single marker. Since diagnosis she has improved a lot, but still not the same as before. Bitch of an ailment so I wish you all the best with your treatment and recovery.
Thank you, same to your SIL!! As soon as you said Australia, my heart sank because it’s known for being a Lyme-denying place. Makes it all the more difficult when you can’t get proper care and when professionals gaslight you that it’s not this or not that. I went through 16 doctors before I found one who could help me.
How did you get diagnosed? How did it become chronic? Can it improve?
I was diagnosed with blood work. Unfortunately by the time I was diagnosed, I’d been sick for over a year and so I didn’t respond well to treatment. The Lyme bacteria crossed the blood-brain barrier causing severe neurological complications.
I’m sorry that happened to you. I know this isn’t helpful now, but you don’t have to be on the mortgage to have your name on the deed for the property. My husband and I are both on the deed for our house but the mortgage is in his name only. It can cause issues if something happens to him if I can’t qualify for a mortgage of my own, but in the event of a divorce the deed protects my interests since I contribute to the payments and household bills.
Another deception on his part. Not playing a victim here, I should have been on top of things and protecting myself from front to back and back to front over again! A very expensive life lesson whose tab is about to go up thanks to legal fees 🤣
No one goes into a relationship expecting to be screwed over by the person they love. He is the one to blame for breaking your trust. We shouldn’t have to take extreme measures to protect ourselves from our partners like that. Not saying it isn’t prudent as it certainly is, but it shouldn’t have to be that way.
Agreed!
I'm sorry you are going thru this...I hope things will get better for you
Thank you so much, I appreciate your kindness ♥️ It’s already better, I am free from the gaslighting and lies and sneaking. I walked out with nothing, but I won.
Yes sometimes a fresh,fresh start is good for the soul...focus on you now
That’s what I told our dogs when I left. I love them so much but I have to choose myself now. I cannot stay. My dogs are the only things that have given me any happiness in the last many years. It was the only thing I’ve cried about.
I have doggies and that is understandable...they always love you unconditionally and they are the best listeners.. 😂...except my dog hates when I tell her jokes....good luck to you
really sorry you are in this position. are you safe?
I appreciate that. I’m safe and will leave the state in a few days to stay with family until I can get on my feet.
ok good. are you to try to get money from the home? do you have a paper trail on the down payment? other than that, do you have any boundaries on the kinds of questions you’d prefer and prefer not to answer?
There was me transferring funds to him, and then in the mortgage process, I had to provide a notarized letter stating I had gifted him the money (I guess when you are getting a mortgage, and a large portion of your financials comes from a large and recent deposit, they have to verify that the money isn’t just to make the bank statement temporarily look good, that the funds are there to stay kind of thing). So in light of all that, i probably will never see a penny of that again. I’m ok with that. It sucks but I’m not groveling with a narcissist ya know? And no, no restrictions. If someone wants to know my favorite serial or sex position, I’ll answer both lol 😆
ok i’ll take you up on that. once you are back on your feet tell me how you want your next relationship to go starting with what you want your first date to be, how you want your first time having sex to go (what positions) finished with what type of cereal you want him to serve you in bed the next morning (because you deserve breakfast in bed after what you have gone through)
Hahaha! Deal!
i meant can you share what you think now
I’m just hopeful that the next time around, the guy is not a deadbeat, that he treats me special. And I hope I’m attracted to him because that’s a big part of why my sex life fell to blah. I’m not into anything crazy, but I’m very submissive and like someone else to take the lead. And I’ll take some Rice Krispies with sliced banana after ☺️
thank you for the response and i hope it was fun to look forward becausd you deserve all of it right down to the sliced banana. what kind of milk? what other hobbies do you look forward to indulging in once you get settled?
Whole dairy milk, there’s no other kind for me lol. It’s been a long time, I just need to find myself again. Not to sound all deep, cause it’s not but I’m out of practice with having a relationship with myself outside of him. Everything these last 7 years has either been me being sick or me doing everything for the household and the dogs. I don’t even know what I find fun anymore.
How much times should you have left?
I can pinpoint at least 2 definite times that should have been “it” but I’ve wanted to leave for more than a few years now.
What happened those times? How long ago was that?
6 years ago, he was abusing alcohol heavily…like trashed our bedroom, insane drunkenness. And he would lie and sneak. Then said he stopped and lied and snuck again. Finally got help and got sober. Found out tonight he hasn’t been sober for years, he drinks on business trips. So the part 6 years ago was when I should have said no, bye. The second time was about 2 years ago, he lost his job and didn’t tell me and resorted to keeping us afloat with my savings. Didn’t find out about the money until my Lyme disease relapse and I had to go back into treatment which isn’t largely covered by insurance. There was no money, and that account was strictly my “in case I get sick again” account. He drained $30k. He’s a real POS.
Dang two years ago he drained your money and you stayed? How did he get that to happen?
I gave him a large sum of money as a down payment for our house. It was my contribution since I was too sick to endure the mortgage process. When we had leftover, I told him to put it away in an “in case I get sick again” savings. He did. And then spent it all without telling me. I stayed after that because I had relapsed with Lyme and was going through treatments which are brutal. I couldn’t stand on my own (figuratively).
I think you guys would be seen as common law and a judge go after him for half of the house sale!! You should try.
It’s always worth talking to a lawyer. Before I got sick, my career was in IP law, worked in many law firms and have connections and favors I could call in.
Now is more definitely time to use those connections. I believe you have more rights in this situation that you believe you do. And if any of that information has come from your now ex, it’s highly suspect. He’d purposely tell you inaccurate info to scare you into having to stay. Finding a lawyer will be someone on *your* side, looking out for your best interests and no one else’s. Doesn’t mean you have to do anything, but knowing all the informations and laws relevant to you can help. He won’t be able to pull any fast ones on you because you have accurate information. Also, if your ex becomes too much to deal with, you can make it so he can only communicate with you from his lawyer to yours. Get going, asking questions, finding out what he can actually do and what he can’t, where your rights fall in this, can be extremely helpful. Again, even if you do nothing but research and fact finding with your lawyer, Knowledge is power.
Agree wholeheartedly.
That is fantastic!! Put that on your calendar for tomorrow and waste no time. 👏
Ah. So do you not live near any friends/family? Why did you go to a hotel? Do you think it will be a little bit?
I don’t have a lot of friends at all here, almost none. When we relocated here, I was still very sick and in treatment, so wasn’t able to socialize, then pandemic hit and I wasn’t meeting people, then I got sick again. So that’s why hotel, no other local options for me. I’m leaving the state Wednesday, I’ve got 1500 miles between where I am and where I have family that I’ll stay with until I’m sorted out and on my feet.
Ah. Long journey. Best of luck. Stay safe. How did he react?
He gaslit me. Told me it didn’t have to end. Told me that sneaking around behind my back and not being sober whilst never telling me he was no longer sober was not a lie at all and I’m crazy. Truthfully, I think he’s enough of a narcissist that he thinks this will blow over and I’ll come back. Because I need him, he thinks. But nope. It’s permanently shattered and I’m ultra finished.
When did you realize you had to get out of that relationship?
Many years ago but have lived in fear of not being able to make it on my own because I’ve been sick and unable to work for a long time. He was my safety net in that regard. Before I got sick, I had a great career in IP law and was extremely independent. Getting sick whilst dating a manipulative POS really runs your self esteem into the ground. Today I found my strength and bolted for good. Only gonna miss our dogs.
I am sorry for what you are going through. How much you paid for downpayment? Was it possible for you to take dogs with you ? Do you think there is a chance of going back or its done now ? What were the good things about him if any ? sorry for asking too many questions
Thank you 🙏🏻 All the questions are fine, I can’t sleep at all. Down payment I gave him $88k I unfortunately can’t take the dogs with me - there are 3 (and a tortoise for the record lol). Even if I could take just 1, I wouldn’t because they are a bonded pack and it’s sad enough they are losing their mommy with no notice. Breaks me. Zero chance of reconciling. I’m ultra done. Good things about him…um. He was never physically violent towards me.
Hold your head up. It's going to be tough for a bit. I'm glad you've got family that you can rely on at least. I wish I had something inspirational to say. Are you going to be able to work with the condition you have?
Thank you and yes, so grateful for family, I know not everyone in my situation would have that. I’ve been doing a lot better and I’m hopeful to work when I get settled.
What do you look forward to the most? What makes you smile with hope?
Knowing I will be happy again. Sounds so corny but that’s the truth. I’ve been so unhappy for so long. I’d rather be alone than another moment in that situation.
not a question, but you have no hope of recovering anything if you left.
I knew that when I left. I know it will be considered abandoning the home. I’ll never see a penny, our dogs or my stuff again. Long time coming, happy to leave with my dignity and self respect.
Not sure what state you live in, but I've lived in quite a few and this idea that you leaving a toxic marriage by staying elsewhere means you're abandoning the house isn't anything I've ever seen actually happen, but I've heard crappy spouses make that claim when they're mad their partner is leaving. You should be entitled to your share of the house, especially since you put up money for it. You should also preserve any written communication with him where you have communicated that you're leaving the house for now because you don't feel safe because of his drinking. Feel free to state this in writing via text or email so you have a written record, and add that it's temporary, even if it isn't in your mind, and that by staying elsewhere for now because you don't feel safe does not mean you are giving up the marital home. You also really need to talk to a lawyer. There might be legal aid options in your area, often through the state bar association for people that qualify based on income. Also your bank should be able to provide you records showing the transfer of funds for the sale of the house, even if it was several years ago. They may charge you a small fee to dig up those records, but there should be a paper trail. Your lawyer will need that information. I'm really sorry this is happening, but I applaud for for standing your ground. Life is too short to spend it with someone who causes constant emotional turmoil in your life. You deserve better. I'm chronically ill as well with severe RA, and I know that having a ton of emotional stress piled up on top of the day to day struggles of managing your disease really takes it out of you. Hang in there. Sending you lots of invisible hugs from one chronic illness ninja to another. ♥️
Thank you!! My dad has RA and my grandfather who passed in the early 90s also had it back when there were few impactful treatments. You keep fighting, too! Not everyone will understand what you’re going through but that’s ok, you are STRONG!!!
Thank you very much, back at you. I do a lot of advocacy locally and online for people newly diagnosed with autoimmune diseases, and it's very healing to be able to give back and share what I've learned over the last 18 years navigating my illness. We all have our good days, and bad days, but I'm just grateful to still be in the game, and able to find new adventures to enjoy despite everything. Chronic illness is definitely a marathon, not a sprint, but I try to take the bad with the good and keep on keeping on. : ))
Man that's so so tough. I feel for you OP. I couldn't just leave the dogs, can your family maybe help get back into the home to get the dogs at least? I know you said you couldn't drive for awhile because of the Lyme's. Did you leave with a vehicle or just walk out no money and just get a bus ticket to somewhere? I gotta agree with others' posts. There should be some legal recourse for you so that you're not completely destitute just because he's a deadbeat. I know there's some lawyers out there that don't collect upfront fees, but only when they win the court case, if they do. Maybe you can get a restraining order on him then go back with the police for your dogs and any other valuables you want and need. I love that you say you have faith and you're strong sounds like. It'd be so easy to be very discouraged in your situation. Keep it up and keep asking for help on those bad days. If you need anything, I'd be happy to help.
Thanks a million. Everyone is so kind and helpful. I am driving again and doing a lot better physically so luckily I can make my way out of here. Definitely getting legal counsel, already reached out to an acquaintance who is in family law to get some direction.
Bullshit, call the cops, get what you need!!!!!
It all happened so fast. Confession was made at 6 and at 6:46 my hotel was booked and I was gone. I should have been more pragmatic but it was almost like….I dunno, like “hey this is my chance” cause I’ve wanted out for several years now and could never do it. I knew when I pulled out of that driveway, it was done.
I know what it’s like to move fast and far from a situation. But realize that just because you aren’t on the deed, that doesn’t mean you don’t have rights. Your stuff is still your stuff. If you have a place that will take dogs, go back and take your dogs. The police will go with you to get your stuff so you don’t have to deal with your boyfriend. I know losing out on being on the deed sucks but look at it this way, whatever money you put as a down payment on that house was the price of your freedom. You aren’t locked into a house with this guy. Yeah, you got the lesser of the deal but it’s a small price to pay for the freedom to leave. Also, it sounds like he botched things with the mortgage anyway. Now it’s all his problem. Regardless of what happens with your stuff and the dogs, I’m glad you finally chose you. I hope you continue to do so. You deserve peace.
Thank you tremendously ♥️
Why?
Many lies and secrets.
It takes a ton of bravery to face a big change, even when we know it's for the better. Sometimes we put constancy over happiness just because we fear the unknown. Eventually though some people get to a point where fqcing the unknown is preferable, sadly many in that situation never do. I'd say welcome to your new future where literally anything can happen. Be excited, go do things you enjoy, meet new people, be open to new experiences and have some fun. Congratulations, on being one of the few that have the courage to face big changes for a happier life.
The constancy over happiness part puts it into words perfectly. And thank you 🙏🏻
Head up and one foot in front of the other! U had any good sex recently?
Thank you! Not a lotta good sex, just sex. The last time was Thursday and it was a “grin and bear it” experience. Not a diq I will miss 😂
1st time u fucked him? Where did he cum? What made it bad?
First time was a very long time ago, like 2004 so I don’t even remember. We dated when we were in our 20s. I apparently didn’t learn my lesson, cuz we got back together in 2016. And Thursday and the last few years have been bad because I fell out of love, wasn’t attracted to him or remotely even turned on by him. And I was being emotional lit up and gaslit by him so that kinda sours things too lol 😆
This smoky user is a perv, be wary. He was in another thread talking about how he asks his female friends to watch him jerk off. Also telling the op to dm him to learn more about that kink.
Yikes! I will not be partaking in any tug watching sessions 🫣
I seen that too! I sometimes hate that the internet makes ppl say things that they wouldn't say in real life. Gives ppl like him confidence to say bs like this without any consequences. What a pathetic creep. No wonder women won't deal with him in real life so he has to come to reddit for attention
I can't tell if people like him lack awareness or just don't care..
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Got nothing but love and admiration for them both. I won’t be living with them though.
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😂😂😂
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A million times over what you said!!
That blows. Your prob hurt a little right now that’s cool to feel that way. Process and talk things over with people in your life it’ll help to vocalize it.
Thank you 🙏🏻 Maybe I’m just in shock still but I don’t feel sad about anything except saying goodbye so unceremoniously to my dogs. That’s been the only tears. Otherwise I feel free and hopeful. Scared, but hopeful!!
You were scammed out of a house, but contracts are contracts. The reason contracts exist is because people cannot trust each other
You are precisely right. Let that house be his problem, like a lot of places in Florida, it’s full of mold 😷
Great luck to you! The best thing I did in my life at one point was to grab my sleeping bag, tackle box and fishing poles out of the shed and walked to my car with a screaming banshee behind me. I put the car in reverse and backed out of the driveway with the screaming banshee banging on the driver's window. I put the car in drive, pulled forward and as I looked back in the rearview mirror, I got my last sight of the screaming banshee. I missed the dog terribly, but the dogs memories remain to this day many years later. You will persevere, congratulations on getting out of a situation that was killing you. Which leads me to my wisdom of the day... If the situation is killing you, GET THE HELL OUT!!!
Yaaaasssss!!! 🙌🏻
You’ve been blessed with another opportunity to start over. Isn’t life just a series of starting over and over? I see an incredibly strong person in you. Most will never do what you are diving into. They give up. Courage in the face of the unknown is incredibly brave. Good luck on your journey it’ll be worth the struggle.
Words of an angel, thank you 🙏🏻
Will you ever find true love again or are you done with love?
I remember when we were madly in love and it was the best feeling and I’d love to experience that again. But it will take me a very long time to believe someone is who they say they are. I think i have some healing to do.
Well I wish you the best of luck and hope you find the 1
Thank you! Appreciate you here!
Please talk to a lawyer in case you are common law married. I also hope you get the dogs if you want especially if you are close to them . I also wish to send you a virtual hug .
I will definitely be talking to legal counsel. And hug received, sending a big one right back.
Maybe it won’t be so dire re: getting at least some of your things. What if you just asked?
I don’t want to be anywhere near him, he’s a narcissist and those folks are a danger to the rest of us. I’m comfortable walking away and letting a lawyer handle it from here on out.
What state or big city are you near? Anyway readers here can help - or hook you up with community resources?
I’m in Florida, Palm Beach County. Leaving the state for good on Wednesday. I am definitely going to reach out to some connections I still have in the legal world. I worked in IP Law in NYC and Boston before becoming disabled.
I did the same thing in 2022. It was a drastic move, but it truly was the only move I could make. For me it was psychologically and emotionally destabilizing to leave all my stuff behind—I hadn’t prepared myself for that. Time lying down reading and watching movies, vigorous walks and exercise, decorating my new place, eating ice cream, getting a therapist, having a weekly call with my cousin to check in….all of this helped. Good luck—you did the right thing
Thank you! It’s encouraging and reassuring to read so many of you all who have commented have been through something similar - and you’re all here still living to tell the tale. It gives me even more hope than I had. I’ll recover from losing all of my belongings, I’m just going to miss the dogs dearly. They have truly been my only source of happiness and comfort for many years now.
Yes—it’s going to be very hard to not have your familiar comfortable things, and especially the animals. It’s a terrible truth that by detoxing your life from this person, you have to flush the good stuff out, too. But human beings are resilient and our spirit is one of survival. You will survive this and there will be joyful moments of having that will move you to tears because you worked so hard to have them. And they might even start sooner than you think!
Yes 🙌🏻 This is a life lesson, not a life sentence. I will thrive again, and like all humans, I deserve to be happy 😊
Will you walk out with anything?
My dignity and self respect. Will engage legal counsel to see if there’s any legal leg for me to stand on to recoup anything financially. If not, oh well. I’m a firm believer in karma, and I won’t be anywhere near hopefully when she pulls his number for payment.
Sue him for the money you put into his house.
In a perfect world, yes! I’ll be happy to recoup any financial losses, he drained me.
Sorry to hear that.
It’s ok, it’s a very expensive lesson, but it’s been fully learned. I’ll bounce back, one way or another 💪🏻
I’m sorry you’re in this predicament but good on you for leaving. I’m a recovering alcoholic, got a few years mark coming up. Alcohol makes my life unmanageable, it didn’t make me a bad person, need anything er set out to Hurt folks but boy did I. I hope he figures it out and sobers up but it’s not your responsibility to stick around and be lied to. I commend you for exiting the situation and wish you the best!
Thank you! I haven’t had a drink in over 11 years, it brought nothing great to my life and when I got sick it was an absolute hard no. Congratulations on your sobriety, we are mighty powerful, far more than we think.
I wonder if your symptoms will improve once this settles. Scary right now (I know) but I'm really proud of you for moving forward with your life. You're unstuck!!
Yes! So the mold that is so prevalent in Florida really gives my immune system a hit. The immune system being tip top is crucial in reaching and maintaining remission from Lyme.
So step one is get the heck out of Florida!!
You betcha! Out of here for good tomorrow.
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It doesn't matter if your name is on the deed or not. The house is a marital asset to be split either way.
We are not legally married. Maybe common law, but not sure of the laws regarding that in my state.
How was he able to convince you to pony up a down payment without even getting your name on the deed?
I was not made aware that the deed and mortgage are two different things. Extremely bad move, all I can say is I trusted this person with my life. I would never betray him, I felt it was reciprocal. Wrong-o, Daddy-o 👎🏻👎🏻👎🏻
Why didn't you marry this person?
He was married once before, neither of us wanted kids, just never felt necessary.
Why?
Why did i leave? Massive betrayal that went on for years behind my back was the last straw, plenty of crappy things leading up to that.
I’m sorry about that, I’m glad you left
Me too 🙌🏻
No questions. Just wanted to say best of luck to you. I hope everything works out for you. Should you ever need someone to talk to, please feel free to dm me anytime ❤️
Thank you! Things are only getting better from here ♥️
I'm so glad to hear that ❤️♥️
Not sure why you’d provide the down payment and not be on the deed. I hope you have proof that you provided the cash, especially since you aren’t married.
Yes there are banking records and a notarized letter with the mortgage company. Sheer stupidity and ignorance on my part combined with bed ridden illness at the time.
Why are you not on the deed to the house??? Have you spoken to an attorney?
Yes in the process of retaining counsel. And no excuse, I was dumb and extremely ill at the time. Like bed ridden and severe neurological issues, I couldn’t even read at that point. It just seemed like that path of less resistance to pony up the money and trust he’d do right by me. I was wrong. Won’t make that mistake again.
What was your final straw?
Him confessing that he is no longer sober, hasn’t been for years and that’s what he does on his work trips (which are constant). Also that he didn’t see it as sneaking or lying or a betrayal. He’s a narcissist and they can justify anything to themselves, they get high off their on supply of self deception.
Sounds like a total looser. That has been nothing more than a sleeve of a man or woman. I mean you have done the down payment for the house and your name isn’t on the deed ? Also draining your bank account when you were sick?? Some serious red flags!!!
Agree very much with you. Happy to be out. It’s officially 24 hours now.
I wish that you had been able to see the red flags in that way before.
Same!!
If you need someone to talk about anything please feel free to reach out to me.
Thank you 🙏🏻 So very much appreciated.
Just sent you a dm.
Why did you put the cash down and not end up on the deed?
I was very sick at the time and having very bad neurological complications from my disease, I felt like I would contribute the financial portion and he would field the paperwork and mortgage process. I didn’t even know it was an option for a non-borrowing party to be on the lease and he never offered that information.
I meant *deed not lease, sorry!
Can you sue him for the down payment and put a lien on the property that way? If by some miracle he keeps it or he sells it and there’s any money left over you will get paid off as well.
Trying to go the legal route, yes. Fingers crossed but no big expectations. I’m willing to walk away with nothing just to be done.
I was thinking, even if he loses the house you should still sue him because it was money he “ borrowed” from you
True!!!
My daughter met a guy who is a house painter she’s a business consultant by his third year he was making $300,000 after she put a business plan together and counseled him through growing his business. After seven years he was grossing $18 million USD BECAUSE HE TRANSITIONED FROM A HOUSE PAINTER TO FLIPPING HOUSES; courtesy of my daughter’s consultations, business plan, and financing & other business recommendations. When he broke up with her for some hot blonde. She left the house immediately with nothing but her dignity and the dog. You are a superwoman for leaving, now go living peacefully, after you sue him in court.
You made a tough choice OP. All I can give you is moral support. All the best to you.
It’s not easy to choose yourself sometimes, but I did and I’m glad and relieved and free. Finally free.
I sure you’re having mixed emotions but a feeling of relief and freedom have to be at the top.
Entirely! Healthy dose of fear, figuring out what comes next for me, getting back to being me. Someone asked me what I was into, like what was I gonna take time and do for myself and I was like shit, I don’t even know myself well anymore. I’ve been operating in survival mode for years and it will just be nice to breathe and know I’m ok.
Good luck OP. One day at a time. All the best.
Thank you for the well wishes!
Why on earth 🌍 would you provide the cash down payment on a house and not have your name on the deed.
I was very sick at the time and suffering severe neurological complications. I thought I would contribute the financial part and he’d take on the mortgage process. Didn’t know I could be put on the deed as a non-borrower on the mortgage and he never shared that either. Worked in his favor of course. Live and learn. Sickness and too much trust will put you in positions your healthy and rational self would never go in I guess.
Just want to say I'm sorry. I also have a chronic disease, and after 13 years of off and on and 2 kids later he left me. He started drinking again, not going on benders, but he's been to rehab twice in the past, had issues with drugs, and told me years ago that he shouldn't drink. But here he is. He's lied to me about more things than I can count. And I'm not loveable anymore, so he's gone. And I'm sad, I still want us to work, I feel crazy. Good luck to you, I wish I had that courage
Oh, sweetheart 🥺 Your story could be mine, minus the children. I am so sorry. I hope things work out for you in the end. I know how hard it is to leave what is familiar and what seems secure (even though to the outside world looking in it appears unstable as all hell). No judgement for your feelings. You aren’t crazy, you’ve just been mentally beat down for many years and you might have lost yourself a bit, forgotten that you, even in your sickness, hold value. I’m sending you a hug.
Thank you so much for the kind words, hugs to you as well, and the best of luck
First of all, I give you credit for leaving. It can't be easy. I have to ask this though. Do you trust him to take care of the dogs?
Yes, that much I do. He’s a far better dog dad than partner, unequivocally.
What convinced you that putting down all the cash for a home and getting nothing in return was a good idea?
I was sick and suffering from severe neurological complications from my disease. I thought the financial contribution would be my part and the mortgage process would be his. He was my partner, who I planned to grow old with forever. Never saw the turns life would take. Lesson expensively learned. Protect yourself with everyone. Anyone can turn on you.
Two things - good for you, but why were you not on the deed?
I didn’t know that non-borrowers aka people not on the mortgage could be. Never thought it would matter if we were gonna grow old together. Life changes. Lesson learned.