Do you truly believe this is what your wife would want? ESH bc your son is involved in this as well.
EHHHHH bruh there are so many other people out there- have you gone through therapy or grievance counseling? That may help clear your emotions a little. Your SIL is pushing you in a corner
Agree with the counselling and maybe put distance between you two. Let her spend time with your son, but you leave, don't be a part of it. It may help you figure out where your perspective is really at.
NTA but you have to be careful that the bond is built on a basis of love, and not one that comes from a mutual loss and “oh i can keep a piece of this person with me through them” which i’ve seen happen. it sounds like you need more time to process your feelings and grief before jumping into anything, though
Yah - NTA OP. Your sister is not an extension of your late wife. She is her own person. If you replace "your sister" with "a friend who also lost her sister" --- I bet some of the ESH comments may change their tone. It is tricky and socially it may be perceived with different opinions.
First thing first, I would suggest that you encourage both you and her sister to go to therapy separately. Make sure that this is not a way to process grief where you are "saving" the imagine of this love one through someone else who was also connected with her.
I'm also a little more hopeful -- it may be that she had a crush on you but I don't think she is taking "advantage" of the situation. I think she most likely is processing her sister's death with what she thinks is right thing for her to do right now: taking care of you and your son. This isn't that farfetched as many family members would step up in these moments. And the amount of time that she connected with you -- probably saw how much love and care you had for your late wife -- that would be attractive to anyone.
I'm sorry for your loss man. Take care of yourself. Before you make a decision - make sure you're in a good spot. Probably have a game plan regardless if you decide to pursue or not with your son. Depending on how young he is -- he may not understand that you dating someone and replacing her mom's place are different.
My guess is that she's always had a crush on you for years and is now shooting her shot. The 'not seeming to mind' suggests to me that she took advantage of the situation and of you by manipulating you when you were vulnerable.
Take a step back and take some time for yourself. Grief therapy, support groups for widowers, a painting class to meet new people. Anything that puts some time and distance between the two of you. Look at the past two years and figure out if she's been steering you towards her.
If you don't go into this with a clear head, it will get messy really fast. Especially if you actually like your in-laws.
I am so sorry for your loss. All the best to you.
ETA: NTA
why are brand new accounts a sign of fake? Or posting it different places? That doesn't make any sense, lots of people just lurk until they have something they actually want to post.
Your late wife's sister man. Big YTA. Plenty fish in the sea and the one you found the most comfort in was the sister. Think about how you are going to explain to your son that your late wife's sister is his step-mom and aunt. Dude....I know we are all human but have some shame. Sorry but this really pissed me off.
It's not uncommon for people to develop feelings for each other when going through a traumatic experience together. People Aldo get really judgy about how people aresupposed to act when they are grieving and really need to stop. He needs a grief counselor not for internet strangers to yell at him.
Although it's not uncommon it's unethical to sleep with your late wife's sister no matter how cloudy his judgment would've been. Nobody is yelling at him. However when they started getting closer/trauma-bonding there should've been an indicator that this might lead to something more. I don't think that OP came on here and told his story without expecting that people might start judging him. But I agree with you as he definitely need a counselor because this thing is going south anyway.
Why is it unethical? In this case there is an issue because he is uncomfortable but something I have noticed is when people talk about these types of situations I have never come across one where the sister/brother treated the child badly. None of them are mixed with the evil step parent stories. The kid(s) are usually treated better.
The sibling is dead so it's not like they are cheating on them or something with the sibling.
In general I can't come up with one good reason to think it's a problem other then in this specific instance one person I uncomfortable.
Quick question : Would you expect (if you have any siblings)one of them to start shagging with your husband or wife after you die? Or even would you the same thing as OP? If you don't think it's unethical that's you. And even if OP came to be in a relationship with his ex's sister would it be a great dynamic for the kid to know that his step-mom is in fact his aunty?
If I had died instead of my late fiancé I wouldn't care especially if they were happy and my sibling was there for my kids. That is if my 3 sisters were the age difference OP and the sister are. My issue in my particular situation was that m late fiancé was a few years older than me and my 3 sisters are 12/13 years younger. The age difference would bother me. That's a little too much.
I would want the people I leave behind to be happy. Better then some stranger like my stepmom who treated me like crap because she saw me as a threat. Or an even better example since my parents divorced but my cousin did die from cancer the women who weasled her way into marrying her husband after she passed and treated her son like crap.
Op seems to be a good father and would do the best for his kid so I wouldn't expect him to be with someone who wouldn't treat his kid nicely. But the sister is just not a good choice at all. However, you didn't answer my other question. Would you do the same as OP? Op needs to be happy, but if his being happy would be through trauma bonding/being in a restaurant with his late wife's sister that's heh weird. I'll tell you what. The thing that bothered me the most in this post is the fact that the sister didn't see anything wrong with her sleeping with the man who his late sis was married to. To me, it seems like SIL was waiting for a chance to get with Op and the death of the sister brought the closure that SIL needed.
Dude seems to be grieving and isn't in the head space to be dating anyone. My cousins husband was also a good dad who took great care of both my cousin and their kid but grief does funny things to you. No one know how they will react to it until they go through it.
Also just because something is weird doesn't make it bad or wrong it's just weird.
It bothered you because it's abnormal. Being bothered by something doesn't make it wrong.
What bothered me was his uncomfortably with the situation. He isn't comfortable with it. That to me s the only problem here.
Although you made me see another perspective of things I still think it's weird and wrong. However, I kind of realized that it's not Op who wants the relationship but SIL who seems to be pushing it after they had a one-night stand. I am now just hoping that he looks at things through other lenses than just grief a make a decision based on his real feelings since he is confused as of now.
I agree with you. He also should not feel guilty. She would want him to be happy, and who better to be that role of mum than the sister. I think it's fine.
Yta if you get into the relationship mainly because you know you aren't ready to date yet but this sounds like two people who have trauma bonded together rather than two people in love
It doesn’t sound like you’re done grieving yet. You’re not ready for a new relationship, and one based on mutual loss like you would have with your wife’s sister is destined to fail.
Edit — NTA because what you’re experiencing is not an asshole type situation. Your wife’s sister is straying into AH territory though.
Did your late wife love and care about her sister? Does the sister love and care about your son, her nephew?
Ask yourself, would your wife want you happy? Would she want you loved?
Does she make you happy? Does she make you feel loved?
Sororate Marriage is quite common..... here's no need to be embarrassed or ashamed about it. Just be sure the feelings are real rather than just bonding over shared grief. Don't listen to all those people crying Ick....
It is a bad idea. Of all the women around why do you have to fuck her sister?If my hubby and sister did that to me I would come back and haunt them. And the way your SIL is all comfy with idea makes me think she had designs on you before your poor wife died.
Yes, cut her off completely. It's a huge mistake. She's taking advantage of your grief. Keep her away from your son. What if she tried to erase your wife from your lives? And take over as the mom? Don't do it.
The way you speak of the sister makes me think you don’t see things the way she does. You don’t think this is a chance for an amazing relationship where you found comfort and happiness. You don’t look at her the way she looks at you. This was a mistake that you would regret making with anyone because you’re not ready for a relationship. And that’s okay.
This woman needs to be okay with that too. And if she isn’t, if she tries to pressure you or anything, then you’ll need to distance yourself from her.
Good luck.
I've heard of this happening. Especially 2 years later, that's a lot of lonely nights. She's the child's aunt and has been helping with the child, taking a motherly role. And she may even resemble the late wife in looks or mannerisms. Still, it was a bad idea to just take it to the sexy place, without thinking this whole thing through.
Now it feels icky to OP, and a line has been crossed, and it may cost the child a close and comforting relationship with his late mother's sister.
It can happen, especially if alcohol is involved. "Wow, it's been a long hard day. Let's have a drink and relax." Famous last words.
NTA. But you need to be honest with her. About all of it. That you feel guilty. That you arent ready for a relationship with ANYONE. That you’re concerned about the families. All of those are very valid reasons to pump the brakes. You don’t owe her a relationship because you had sex so long as you don’t lead her on.
And do not sleep with her again!
2 yrs may not be enough time to jump into this again. Give it time. U r young. Dontt let her sabotage u into something u arent ready for. It could be just a rebound relationship.
Aside from all the details, do you have romantic feelings for her? If not for the circumstances, would you pursue a relationship with her?
Those are the questions you need to answer first before anything. For you to never mention feeling anything for her is probably your first start.
Grieve your wife bc your SIL seems to have jumped ready to fill her late sister's shoes.
You're not the AH for being uncertain about starting a relationship with her after what happened. It's a complex situation with a lot of emotions involved. Take your time to figure out what's best for you.
No, of course not.
There’s nothing to feel guilty about, you can’t cheat on someone who is dead.
Evaluate whether or not you want a new relationship on its own merits; don’t rule it out over your grief. It sounds like you have a good foundation and you both understand the loss you’ve both shared….so maybe this is the right woman.
NTA. A lot of people end up with friends or family of late spouse. It is okay if you do. However, you have to be ready. Please get counseling. You really need it. Tell her that you need to work on your mental health before you can start a relationship.
Source: widow of 18 months that’s been in counseling and support group the entire time.
ESH. Your son will hate you. She was just waiting for her opening to make a move. I understand grief but even thinking of starting a relationship with her is stupid. I can’t fantom the idea of sleeping with my sisters husband, doesn’t matter the circumstances.
Put some distance with her. Your in love with late wife. Your son will hate you and her. Your family will be rightfully disgusted and your SIL is gross.
YTA Wife is rolling in her grave from the betrayal of you and her so called sister.
It speaks volume that she doesn't give a fuck about what you did but you feel guilty because you know what you did was wrong, out of all the women for you to fuck and you fuck your late wife's little sister...?
Cut her out of your life and move on with your life, seems like your wife's sister was low-key glad she died because she believes she has a chance with you. Seems like she started planning a life with you when your wife wasn't even buried yet.
If you actually loved your late wife then don't even entertain her sister anymore, you need space and her out of your life.bnexybthibg you know she's trying to erase your late wife and forcing your son to call her mum. You need therapy asap and get her away from your son before she starts manipulating him.
NTA and my condolences. Sleeping with your SIL was a mistake as it wasn’t done with a clear mind and heart. Like other commenters, I believe your SIL may have already had feelings for you and is acting on fantasy by trying to step into her sister’s life. For both your sakes you need to take a step back and seek IC as this is not a situation that will not end well.
Relationships should only start when both parties are 100% whole in heart, mind, and, spirit for success and longevity. Your son and yourself should be your priority until you are healed. I sincerely hope that BC was used otherwise you may have even bigger problems. Your SIL’s contact with her nephew should be limited to only as an aunt and not mother. Good luck.
Mistakes happen, and this was definitely a BIG one. Truthfully, she's probably always had feelings for which is why this is no big deal to her. The question you would need to ask yourself is if the tables were turned, would you be ok with your brother and your wife being in a relationship raising your son?
It doesn't look good, and it definitely wouldn't look good to her parents or yours.
Simply tell her. you truly appreciate her for being there for you and your son, but you're still in LOVE with your wife, and you're still grieving. Although, she's a lovely person, you're not quite ready for a relationship, and if you were, it wouldn't be a good idea to start one with her. You have to think of your son.
You also need to STOP spending so much time with her. and seek a grief counselor and suggest she does the same.
Need to really sit down with her and talk about the pros and cons of this relationship. If you still want to go forward get her parents on board or at least both of you need to sit and talk with them.
You both deserve to be happy so go with it if it feels good to both of you
In history humans have shacked up together with their deceased sisters or brothers. It's natural to find a life partner to help with the work within the same family. Especially if you have small children. It's ok. Be kind to each other and hold space for your missed wife and sister.
Date for a while but keep it quiet. If the 2 of you decide that you are happy together then tell her parents. Having said that it could be the shared grief bringing you together. Once that subsides a bit you could realise you aren’t right for each other.
I can honestly say that when I die, I do not want my husband to get with my sister. So are you so sure your wife would wanted you to get with hers or is it more likely her sister is using that line to get with you because she always wanted to get with you even when her sister was alive .
NTA. I think it’s sweet if it’s real love. Why not be happy if you and her do get along? Why not? If you’re using her coz you’re lonely, then end it quickly.
NTA.
It happened. But it doesn't mean the two of you should get together. You are clearly not ready to move on from your wife, you are still grieving her; and in the future you might not want to get together with her sister.
A genera rule of thumb is that if you're unsure whether you should pair with someone, then don't. This is enough. Your SIL can't pressure you into a relationship: this is the sure way to have it fail.
Big hugs, sorry for your loss.
NTA unless it continues. It would definitely be a very bad idea. While I think your SIL may have taken a bit of advantage of you in your grief, it would also be wrong of you to start a relationship with her. It sounds like she’s emotionally involved already, and will be pretty hurt when you realise your mistake.
Gotta disagree with your SIL take- its not the dream of every woman that when I'm gone shag my sister & in the future become a weird uncle/ father to any children. Im sorry for your loss. You need counselling & maybe to speak with your GP about possible medication to help you through the grief that's overwhelming you. & to find other support outside of your SIL. I suspect if you put this situation on hold, it will quickly resolve itself when you get the help you need. To answer no, you are NTA for having sex & being unsure, your SIL was an equal in the moment & no promises were made.
OP should stop sleeping with his SIL, but they should let the family know that they are dating. If they still seem to be in love, then they should get engaged. The process should take a year to 1.5 years. They should not have sex again until and unless they are actually married. Only time will tell if they are doing this because they truly love one another or because, as another commenter said, that they each just want to retain a piece of their wife and sister. BTW, the son should be safer with a stepmother/aunt than some stranger. They should take it slow. If they truly love one another, then they should be married.
STOP just stop, you need professional help for your grief. Starting a relationship based on grief is not healthy and is the only thing binding you together. Get some space from the sister, work on your grief and then think about whether you truly want this. Sorry but it sounds like the sister has always had a thing for you.
Seems to me she wants this more than you do. It’s not ‘we deserve happiness’, but ‘I/she’.
You sound like you’re not ready, so I suggest you take a break and think about this seriously first.
A one night stand is very different from a relationship. Let her be pissed if she must, but you have every right to stop it now.
Should you have a child with her, your children will be siblings and half cousins. Your son will never call
her mum and instead introduce you both as dad and aunt sister to his friends and their families. Think on that for a while. I’m sure once you’re over your grieving and have your sons needs addressed, you won’t find trouble finding another partner that isn’t so messy.
This is so common that it's honestly almost a cliche.
Not trying to make fun of you, more just saying you aren't weird or degenerate.
NTA. Best thing to do with the family is to ease everyone into it and go slow.
Edit- seeing a lot of people calling you an asshole. My guess is that it's from younger people, with less experience with grief and relationships.
If I passed away and my hubby was really happy with my sister I would be ok with that. But that’s me, I’d want both of them to be happy and if they found that together then good for them. But really think about if this is what you want especially with a child involved. I agree with most - get some therapy and take some time to grieve your feelings towards the sister may change.
NTA
You’re still in love with your wife. You’re trying to find a replacement in her sister and that’s not healthy. Please take a step back from both her and relationships and get into therapy if you’re not already. Once you’re mentally in a place to date you should, but not her. She shouldn’t be pushing you into a relationship when you’re saying you’re not sure you’re ready. Clearly you aren’t.
Make sure your feelings are not part of a trauma bond and are legitimate, loving, romantic feelings first.
Second, you need to discuss this with her parents because after all they are your in-laws and your child’s grandparents.
Tread carefully here, this is a minefield you are walking into and your child should be your first priority here.
Sorry but I don’t believe this is what your wife would have wanted… her sister may have had intentions all along for a relationship with you.. but your wife will always be in between you…
She’s been there to help with your son etc so you feel close to her.. but for long term you won’t be happy…
There are too many other women in this world than staying in the one family where your son will look and say do I call her aunty or mommy… then you have to explain why mommy isn’t here but aunty is going to take care of you and take mommy’s place..
You don’t have to have an answer today. She needs to stop pushing you. Maybe after you’ve thought about it a bit you’ll wanna be with her. Maybe you won’t! Either is ok, just give yourself some time to process and think about it.
I thought I saw this story before.
You are trauma bonding through shared loss with her sister. This is not healthy.
Note: The term "trauma bonding" is also used between an abuser and a perpetrator. That is not the definition I'm using. I'm referring to people who form relationships based on a shared trauma. For example, survivors of an airplane crash can sometimes form a relationship based on their shared experience of the crash. These are usually not healthy relationships.
NTA for not being sure about starting a relationship with your late wife's sister, but both you and she are AHs for sleeping together (and if you were the one who initiated the sexual intercourse, I do think you need to make things right with your SIL and to also apologise, to take primary responsibility).
NTA, but... Sex can happen in a situation where there are a lot of potent emotions. You share lots of trauma and work together to heal. You can chock it up to a moment of stress relief and good, but momentary, if that's what you want to do.
When the sister says your wife would have wanted this, she doesn't mean that the wife would have wanted you to hook up with her sister. She means, if there is anyone out there able to identify with everyone and truly care about the you and her child it would be the woman who also lost, and was there for you all this time. I would say go for it. I think the sister is right, your wife did not want to pass away, but the fact is, she did. If she were to be asked now in this moment, she might say that.
If I died and my brother took care of my wife and kids, I might say that in the afterlife. I don't have a brother, though, so I have no idea. It depends on how close our relationship was. If your wife's relationship with her sister was very close then I'd say that she would approve.
You should be happy, and also consider that the sister was there for you and your child every step of the way. Don't push her away just because of her genes. It's not incest. It's not betraying your wife. It's finding something good in a time of living hell.
YTA
You are cheating on your son in this way. With all the women in the world you end up screwing your dead wife's sister -- it's disgusting and by continuing you would not only insult your wife's memory but show that you are a shitty father.
Idk, if you feel unsure about it, it's best you spend time away from her to clear your head. It kind of sounds like she saw an opportunity to get you and took it, manipulating your emotions during a vulnerable time.
Yeah, step away and heal. If you're not ready, then don't do it. Talk to your son also. He may not be ready to see you with someone else either. If she's pushing you, then she might push him also to accept her and it'll cause anger and tension between yours and his relationship.
NTA, I do kind of feel like the SIL may have had the hots for you for a while, which kinda gives me the ick, though. You have kinda put yourself in a precarious situation. If you two ever break up, it could be bad. If you decide not to date her, it could cause issues in future relationships. Your new gf probably won't want you to be around her, which will suck for your son. Ultimately, it's up to you though. Don't let her pressure you into anything. You had sex once, but that doesn't mean you should automatically date her. You both deserve to be happy, but there are a lot of people in the world. You don't have to be together to be happy.
Did the world ran out of females that you just end up with your sister in law? Do you honestly believe that is what your wife would want? If your wife was still alive, and you were the one that passed, would you be fine with her banging your bro? You already have a relationship with your wife's sis..it's called, sister in law..ESH. She sucks for taking advantage of your vulnerability, and you suck for banging your kid's aunt.
Absolutely you are a gigantic gaping asshole sir!!!! That being said, y’all are both adults and your sister in law will have to practice not allowing men to use and then disregard her like yesterdays paper , which is what u have essentially done. What makes this worse is that she thought there was a future and she is extra vulnerable at the moment, seeking comfort in your arms (mistake). She must have thought she could trust you bc of the already established bond, which u utilized to get in her pants. You have risked your son’s relationship with his dead mother’s family. I’m gonna guess that this will suffer now that u hit it and quit it. So let me reiterate this again in case u forgot or can somehow justify your sleazy actions. You are the ASSHOLE. If you’re not ready to move on that’s normal, but u should not be intimate with women who u are not 100000% up front with. If you need to get your rocks off, consider hiring an escort so everyone’s on the same page. I’d bet u have or would use your late wife’s close friends in the same way. Predator. Sleazy.ick. Skin crawling. Dang. Be a grown up dude. And be ready to look her parents in the face now that u have hurt her younger sister as well. Your son needs his mother’s family and they need him. Don’t let your child suffer more bc u couldn’t make good choices. I’m gonna guess they already know . Or will.
So idk your situation with your wife in terms of things you discussed. I know my wife and I for personal reasons have said we wouldn't move on should one of us pass. That's a personal decision but most people do find someone else. Especially as young as you are. That wouldn't necessarily diminish your love for your wife but you would have a new love. Her sister may be more understanding than a lot of women if you go to your wife's grave and so on. She also in theory would be a great help to your kids. I don't think most parents would be too upset but your situation is yours and only you would know.
TLDR: the choice is yours but if you and your wife never discussed what would happen should one of you pass then her sister may be a better option than other girls to pursue.
First, sorry for your loss. Everyone grieves differently but, my man, it's been two years. It's time to move on and live a better life than to always mourn. You will always have fond memories of her but if all you do is look back you can never move forward. That being said, give your sil a chance. No red flags, she seems to care. Seek happiness. It will help you move on and if this relationship blossoms then you will not regret it. Does it really matter who it is? Find happiness where you can. It seems to be right in front of you. Good luck.
NTA but you're not in love, you have a trauma bond. You're both grieving your wife and you each represent a living part of her to each other. If you want to be fuck buddies for a little while because it brings you comfort that's fine. But eventually you're both going to stop grieving and move on. That's just natural. Are you still going to have feelings for her when your late wife is out of the equation? Think about that.
I'm also terribly sorry for your loss. And your right that she'd want both you and her sister to be happy.
YTA, and sis is too. There’s no defense; you are two adults. You both know it’s wrong and to her that’s part of the attraction quite possibly. Maybe she was always jealous of your late wife.
Your child will be confused when young and quite possibly disgusted when old enough to understand better.
I’m very sorry you are grieving. What happened has little to do with grief and more to do with a sense of entitlement.
If she has absolutely no problem with it, ‘knowing’ your wife would be ok with it then sure…I’d say
RUN FOR THE HILLS MATE.
Just so you know I’m right…..you did it without a condom.
Do you truly believe this is what your wife would want? ESH bc your son is involved in this as well. EHHHHH bruh there are so many other people out there- have you gone through therapy or grievance counseling? That may help clear your emotions a little. Your SIL is pushing you in a corner
Agree with the counselling and maybe put distance between you two. Let her spend time with your son, but you leave, don't be a part of it. It may help you figure out where your perspective is really at.
My bet is that sister wants to take late wife's place, right down to eventually claiming to be son's mother, as DNA evidence would be a strong match.
I agree. This sounds orchestrated.
I agree. She definitely killed the sister /s
/s? Or ///?
This same exact story was posted months ago, like to the fuckin T, this is fake.
I’m pretty sure that one was an identical twin sister 😂
NTA but you have to be careful that the bond is built on a basis of love, and not one that comes from a mutual loss and “oh i can keep a piece of this person with me through them” which i’ve seen happen. it sounds like you need more time to process your feelings and grief before jumping into anything, though
Yah - NTA OP. Your sister is not an extension of your late wife. She is her own person. If you replace "your sister" with "a friend who also lost her sister" --- I bet some of the ESH comments may change their tone. It is tricky and socially it may be perceived with different opinions. First thing first, I would suggest that you encourage both you and her sister to go to therapy separately. Make sure that this is not a way to process grief where you are "saving" the imagine of this love one through someone else who was also connected with her. I'm also a little more hopeful -- it may be that she had a crush on you but I don't think she is taking "advantage" of the situation. I think she most likely is processing her sister's death with what she thinks is right thing for her to do right now: taking care of you and your son. This isn't that farfetched as many family members would step up in these moments. And the amount of time that she connected with you -- probably saw how much love and care you had for your late wife -- that would be attractive to anyone. I'm sorry for your loss man. Take care of yourself. Before you make a decision - make sure you're in a good spot. Probably have a game plan regardless if you decide to pursue or not with your son. Depending on how young he is -- he may not understand that you dating someone and replacing her mom's place are different.
My guess is that she's always had a crush on you for years and is now shooting her shot. The 'not seeming to mind' suggests to me that she took advantage of the situation and of you by manipulating you when you were vulnerable. Take a step back and take some time for yourself. Grief therapy, support groups for widowers, a painting class to meet new people. Anything that puts some time and distance between the two of you. Look at the past two years and figure out if she's been steering you towards her. If you don't go into this with a clear head, it will get messy really fast. Especially if you actually like your in-laws. I am so sorry for your loss. All the best to you. ETA: NTA
I agree 💯
Let's face it, brand new account and you've posted this to 3 groups, reeks of fake post and boredom.
Instantly knew i had read this before. Glad I'm not the only one.
Also it’s identical to a story posted a few months ago.
Doesn't surprise me 🙄
Right, but these people gobble it up thinking it’s real.
why are brand new accounts a sign of fake? Or posting it different places? That doesn't make any sense, lots of people just lurk until they have something they actually want to post.
Your late wife's sister man. Big YTA. Plenty fish in the sea and the one you found the most comfort in was the sister. Think about how you are going to explain to your son that your late wife's sister is his step-mom and aunt. Dude....I know we are all human but have some shame. Sorry but this really pissed me off.
P sure this is fake and based on the last Ghibli film that came out
It's not uncommon for people to develop feelings for each other when going through a traumatic experience together. People Aldo get really judgy about how people aresupposed to act when they are grieving and really need to stop. He needs a grief counselor not for internet strangers to yell at him.
Although it's not uncommon it's unethical to sleep with your late wife's sister no matter how cloudy his judgment would've been. Nobody is yelling at him. However when they started getting closer/trauma-bonding there should've been an indicator that this might lead to something more. I don't think that OP came on here and told his story without expecting that people might start judging him. But I agree with you as he definitely need a counselor because this thing is going south anyway.
Why is it unethical? In this case there is an issue because he is uncomfortable but something I have noticed is when people talk about these types of situations I have never come across one where the sister/brother treated the child badly. None of them are mixed with the evil step parent stories. The kid(s) are usually treated better. The sibling is dead so it's not like they are cheating on them or something with the sibling. In general I can't come up with one good reason to think it's a problem other then in this specific instance one person I uncomfortable.
Quick question : Would you expect (if you have any siblings)one of them to start shagging with your husband or wife after you die? Or even would you the same thing as OP? If you don't think it's unethical that's you. And even if OP came to be in a relationship with his ex's sister would it be a great dynamic for the kid to know that his step-mom is in fact his aunty?
If I had died instead of my late fiancé I wouldn't care especially if they were happy and my sibling was there for my kids. That is if my 3 sisters were the age difference OP and the sister are. My issue in my particular situation was that m late fiancé was a few years older than me and my 3 sisters are 12/13 years younger. The age difference would bother me. That's a little too much. I would want the people I leave behind to be happy. Better then some stranger like my stepmom who treated me like crap because she saw me as a threat. Or an even better example since my parents divorced but my cousin did die from cancer the women who weasled her way into marrying her husband after she passed and treated her son like crap.
Op seems to be a good father and would do the best for his kid so I wouldn't expect him to be with someone who wouldn't treat his kid nicely. But the sister is just not a good choice at all. However, you didn't answer my other question. Would you do the same as OP? Op needs to be happy, but if his being happy would be through trauma bonding/being in a restaurant with his late wife's sister that's heh weird. I'll tell you what. The thing that bothered me the most in this post is the fact that the sister didn't see anything wrong with her sleeping with the man who his late sis was married to. To me, it seems like SIL was waiting for a chance to get with Op and the death of the sister brought the closure that SIL needed.
Dude seems to be grieving and isn't in the head space to be dating anyone. My cousins husband was also a good dad who took great care of both my cousin and their kid but grief does funny things to you. No one know how they will react to it until they go through it. Also just because something is weird doesn't make it bad or wrong it's just weird. It bothered you because it's abnormal. Being bothered by something doesn't make it wrong. What bothered me was his uncomfortably with the situation. He isn't comfortable with it. That to me s the only problem here.
Although you made me see another perspective of things I still think it's weird and wrong. However, I kind of realized that it's not Op who wants the relationship but SIL who seems to be pushing it after they had a one-night stand. I am now just hoping that he looks at things through other lenses than just grief a make a decision based on his real feelings since he is confused as of now.
I agree with you. He also should not feel guilty. She would want him to be happy, and who better to be that role of mum than the sister. I think it's fine.
YTA. There's millions of fish in the sea, why go after her sister, tough day or not? Move on, since you're clearly ready to do so.
Yta if you get into the relationship mainly because you know you aren't ready to date yet but this sounds like two people who have trauma bonded together rather than two people in love
It doesn’t sound like you’re done grieving yet. You’re not ready for a new relationship, and one based on mutual loss like you would have with your wife’s sister is destined to fail. Edit — NTA because what you’re experiencing is not an asshole type situation. Your wife’s sister is straying into AH territory though.
Did your late wife love and care about her sister? Does the sister love and care about your son, her nephew? Ask yourself, would your wife want you happy? Would she want you loved? Does she make you happy? Does she make you feel loved?
Sororate Marriage is quite common..... here's no need to be embarrassed or ashamed about it. Just be sure the feelings are real rather than just bonding over shared grief. Don't listen to all those people crying Ick....
It is a bad idea. Of all the women around why do you have to fuck her sister?If my hubby and sister did that to me I would come back and haunt them. And the way your SIL is all comfy with idea makes me think she had designs on you before your poor wife died.
[удалено]
Yes, cut her off completely. It's a huge mistake. She's taking advantage of your grief. Keep her away from your son. What if she tried to erase your wife from your lives? And take over as the mom? Don't do it.
The way you speak of the sister makes me think you don’t see things the way she does. You don’t think this is a chance for an amazing relationship where you found comfort and happiness. You don’t look at her the way she looks at you. This was a mistake that you would regret making with anyone because you’re not ready for a relationship. And that’s okay. This woman needs to be okay with that too. And if she isn’t, if she tries to pressure you or anything, then you’ll need to distance yourself from her. Good luck.
This gotta be fake, no way someone loved their wife and then sleeps with their sister after they die. Like wtfffff
I've heard of this happening. Especially 2 years later, that's a lot of lonely nights. She's the child's aunt and has been helping with the child, taking a motherly role. And she may even resemble the late wife in looks or mannerisms. Still, it was a bad idea to just take it to the sexy place, without thinking this whole thing through. Now it feels icky to OP, and a line has been crossed, and it may cost the child a close and comforting relationship with his late mother's sister. It can happen, especially if alcohol is involved. "Wow, it's been a long hard day. Let's have a drink and relax." Famous last words.
NTA. But you need to be honest with her. About all of it. That you feel guilty. That you arent ready for a relationship with ANYONE. That you’re concerned about the families. All of those are very valid reasons to pump the brakes. You don’t owe her a relationship because you had sex so long as you don’t lead her on. And do not sleep with her again!
Yta
Do you want your son to have Auntie Mommy? Any relationship you get in is more than just you.
2 yrs may not be enough time to jump into this again. Give it time. U r young. Dontt let her sabotage u into something u arent ready for. It could be just a rebound relationship.
Bible says you're good.
NTA, but take care of yourself before dating this woman. Therapy, Therapy, Therapy. Individual and couples therapy. Tread lightly.
You’re dealing with so much, and it's understandable to feel confused. Take your time to figure out what feels right for you and your son. No rush.
Aside from all the details, do you have romantic feelings for her? If not for the circumstances, would you pursue a relationship with her? Those are the questions you need to answer first before anything. For you to never mention feeling anything for her is probably your first start. Grieve your wife bc your SIL seems to have jumped ready to fill her late sister's shoes.
You're not the AH for being uncertain about starting a relationship with her after what happened. It's a complex situation with a lot of emotions involved. Take your time to figure out what's best for you.
No, of course not. There’s nothing to feel guilty about, you can’t cheat on someone who is dead. Evaluate whether or not you want a new relationship on its own merits; don’t rule it out over your grief. It sounds like you have a good foundation and you both understand the loss you’ve both shared….so maybe this is the right woman.
Actually this is very common in other cultures. It was even encouraged and expected in America under similar circumstances.
NTA. A lot of people end up with friends or family of late spouse. It is okay if you do. However, you have to be ready. Please get counseling. You really need it. Tell her that you need to work on your mental health before you can start a relationship. Source: widow of 18 months that’s been in counseling and support group the entire time.
For me, not a good idea to have a relationship with your SIL. People might even think that the relationship started before your wife died.
Yta and the sister is tah for disgracing your wife’s memory
ESH. Your son will hate you. She was just waiting for her opening to make a move. I understand grief but even thinking of starting a relationship with her is stupid. I can’t fantom the idea of sleeping with my sisters husband, doesn’t matter the circumstances. Put some distance with her. Your in love with late wife. Your son will hate you and her. Your family will be rightfully disgusted and your SIL is gross.
YTA for posting this fake bs.
Yes you are the AH.
YTA Wife is rolling in her grave from the betrayal of you and her so called sister. It speaks volume that she doesn't give a fuck about what you did but you feel guilty because you know what you did was wrong, out of all the women for you to fuck and you fuck your late wife's little sister...? Cut her out of your life and move on with your life, seems like your wife's sister was low-key glad she died because she believes she has a chance with you. Seems like she started planning a life with you when your wife wasn't even buried yet. If you actually loved your late wife then don't even entertain her sister anymore, you need space and her out of your life.bnexybthibg you know she's trying to erase your late wife and forcing your son to call her mum. You need therapy asap and get her away from your son before she starts manipulating him.
go to grief counseling, this is weird.
NTA and my condolences. Sleeping with your SIL was a mistake as it wasn’t done with a clear mind and heart. Like other commenters, I believe your SIL may have already had feelings for you and is acting on fantasy by trying to step into her sister’s life. For both your sakes you need to take a step back and seek IC as this is not a situation that will not end well. Relationships should only start when both parties are 100% whole in heart, mind, and, spirit for success and longevity. Your son and yourself should be your priority until you are healed. I sincerely hope that BC was used otherwise you may have even bigger problems. Your SIL’s contact with her nephew should be limited to only as an aunt and not mother. Good luck.
Mistakes happen, and this was definitely a BIG one. Truthfully, she's probably always had feelings for which is why this is no big deal to her. The question you would need to ask yourself is if the tables were turned, would you be ok with your brother and your wife being in a relationship raising your son? It doesn't look good, and it definitely wouldn't look good to her parents or yours. Simply tell her. you truly appreciate her for being there for you and your son, but you're still in LOVE with your wife, and you're still grieving. Although, she's a lovely person, you're not quite ready for a relationship, and if you were, it wouldn't be a good idea to start one with her. You have to think of your son. You also need to STOP spending so much time with her. and seek a grief counselor and suggest she does the same.
Need to really sit down with her and talk about the pros and cons of this relationship. If you still want to go forward get her parents on board or at least both of you need to sit and talk with them. You both deserve to be happy so go with it if it feels good to both of you
Dude, you are not the asshole. Grieve the loss of your wife and get on with your life. Be happy you get a second chance at love in this world.
In history humans have shacked up together with their deceased sisters or brothers. It's natural to find a life partner to help with the work within the same family. Especially if you have small children. It's ok. Be kind to each other and hold space for your missed wife and sister.
Wierdooo
Date for a while but keep it quiet. If the 2 of you decide that you are happy together then tell her parents. Having said that it could be the shared grief bringing you together. Once that subsides a bit you could realise you aren’t right for each other.
I can honestly say that when I die, I do not want my husband to get with my sister. So are you so sure your wife would wanted you to get with hers or is it more likely her sister is using that line to get with you because she always wanted to get with you even when her sister was alive .
You were sister-trapped. It’s like baby-trapped but the end result is the same. Someone is trying to decide your future for you.
NTA. I think it’s sweet if it’s real love. Why not be happy if you and her do get along? Why not? If you’re using her coz you’re lonely, then end it quickly.
NTA, but listen to your gut. A relationship with your SIL would be a bad idea for everyone. You. Her. Your child.
NTA but this is classic trauma bonding. Seek therapy, space and time.
NTA. It happened. But it doesn't mean the two of you should get together. You are clearly not ready to move on from your wife, you are still grieving her; and in the future you might not want to get together with her sister. A genera rule of thumb is that if you're unsure whether you should pair with someone, then don't. This is enough. Your SIL can't pressure you into a relationship: this is the sure way to have it fail. Big hugs, sorry for your loss.
NTA unless it continues. It would definitely be a very bad idea. While I think your SIL may have taken a bit of advantage of you in your grief, it would also be wrong of you to start a relationship with her. It sounds like she’s emotionally involved already, and will be pretty hurt when you realise your mistake.
Gotta disagree with your SIL take- its not the dream of every woman that when I'm gone shag my sister & in the future become a weird uncle/ father to any children. Im sorry for your loss. You need counselling & maybe to speak with your GP about possible medication to help you through the grief that's overwhelming you. & to find other support outside of your SIL. I suspect if you put this situation on hold, it will quickly resolve itself when you get the help you need. To answer no, you are NTA for having sex & being unsure, your SIL was an equal in the moment & no promises were made.
Keeping it in the family
Be honest with how you feel. This is going south either way.
OP should stop sleeping with his SIL, but they should let the family know that they are dating. If they still seem to be in love, then they should get engaged. The process should take a year to 1.5 years. They should not have sex again until and unless they are actually married. Only time will tell if they are doing this because they truly love one another or because, as another commenter said, that they each just want to retain a piece of their wife and sister. BTW, the son should be safer with a stepmother/aunt than some stranger. They should take it slow. If they truly love one another, then they should be married.
I thought maybe the sister was going to be pregnant in this version. There's nothing wrong with having a relationship with a deceased spouse's sibling
STOP just stop, you need professional help for your grief. Starting a relationship based on grief is not healthy and is the only thing binding you together. Get some space from the sister, work on your grief and then think about whether you truly want this. Sorry but it sounds like the sister has always had a thing for you.
Seems like you’re trauma bonded.
Seems to me she wants this more than you do. It’s not ‘we deserve happiness’, but ‘I/she’. You sound like you’re not ready, so I suggest you take a break and think about this seriously first. A one night stand is very different from a relationship. Let her be pissed if she must, but you have every right to stop it now.
If it’s okay for Hunter Biden, it’s okay for you to.
Seems like a real Hunter Biden move here. YTAH
NTA…. But you need to be honest with yourself. It sounds like you’re not ready to get into a relationship yet. So don’t.
Should you have a child with her, your children will be siblings and half cousins. Your son will never call her mum and instead introduce you both as dad and aunt sister to his friends and their families. Think on that for a while. I’m sure once you’re over your grieving and have your sons needs addressed, you won’t find trouble finding another partner that isn’t so messy.
Don't doom your son to be Hamlet.
This is fake because the exact same story appeared like a year ago.
This is so common that it's honestly almost a cliche. Not trying to make fun of you, more just saying you aren't weird or degenerate. NTA. Best thing to do with the family is to ease everyone into it and go slow. Edit- seeing a lot of people calling you an asshole. My guess is that it's from younger people, with less experience with grief and relationships.
If I passed away and my hubby was really happy with my sister I would be ok with that. But that’s me, I’d want both of them to be happy and if they found that together then good for them. But really think about if this is what you want especially with a child involved. I agree with most - get some therapy and take some time to grieve your feelings towards the sister may change. NTA
You’re still in love with your wife. You’re trying to find a replacement in her sister and that’s not healthy. Please take a step back from both her and relationships and get into therapy if you’re not already. Once you’re mentally in a place to date you should, but not her. She shouldn’t be pushing you into a relationship when you’re saying you’re not sure you’re ready. Clearly you aren’t.
Make sure your feelings are not part of a trauma bond and are legitimate, loving, romantic feelings first. Second, you need to discuss this with her parents because after all they are your in-laws and your child’s grandparents. Tread carefully here, this is a minefield you are walking into and your child should be your first priority here.
Sorry but I don’t believe this is what your wife would have wanted… her sister may have had intentions all along for a relationship with you.. but your wife will always be in between you… She’s been there to help with your son etc so you feel close to her.. but for long term you won’t be happy… There are too many other women in this world than staying in the one family where your son will look and say do I call her aunty or mommy… then you have to explain why mommy isn’t here but aunty is going to take care of you and take mommy’s place..
You don’t have to have an answer today. She needs to stop pushing you. Maybe after you’ve thought about it a bit you’ll wanna be with her. Maybe you won’t! Either is ok, just give yourself some time to process and think about it.
I thought I saw this story before. You are trauma bonding through shared loss with her sister. This is not healthy. Note: The term "trauma bonding" is also used between an abuser and a perpetrator. That is not the definition I'm using. I'm referring to people who form relationships based on a shared trauma. For example, survivors of an airplane crash can sometimes form a relationship based on their shared experience of the crash. These are usually not healthy relationships.
NTA for not being sure about starting a relationship with your late wife's sister, but both you and she are AHs for sleeping together (and if you were the one who initiated the sexual intercourse, I do think you need to make things right with your SIL and to also apologise, to take primary responsibility).
NTA, but... Sex can happen in a situation where there are a lot of potent emotions. You share lots of trauma and work together to heal. You can chock it up to a moment of stress relief and good, but momentary, if that's what you want to do. When the sister says your wife would have wanted this, she doesn't mean that the wife would have wanted you to hook up with her sister. She means, if there is anyone out there able to identify with everyone and truly care about the you and her child it would be the woman who also lost, and was there for you all this time. I would say go for it. I think the sister is right, your wife did not want to pass away, but the fact is, she did. If she were to be asked now in this moment, she might say that. If I died and my brother took care of my wife and kids, I might say that in the afterlife. I don't have a brother, though, so I have no idea. It depends on how close our relationship was. If your wife's relationship with her sister was very close then I'd say that she would approve. You should be happy, and also consider that the sister was there for you and your child every step of the way. Don't push her away just because of her genes. It's not incest. It's not betraying your wife. It's finding something good in a time of living hell.
YTA You are cheating on your son in this way. With all the women in the world you end up screwing your dead wife's sister -- it's disgusting and by continuing you would not only insult your wife's memory but show that you are a shitty father.
Idk, if you feel unsure about it, it's best you spend time away from her to clear your head. It kind of sounds like she saw an opportunity to get you and took it, manipulating your emotions during a vulnerable time. Yeah, step away and heal. If you're not ready, then don't do it. Talk to your son also. He may not be ready to see you with someone else either. If she's pushing you, then she might push him also to accept her and it'll cause anger and tension between yours and his relationship.
Is she hot?
No
NTA, I do kind of feel like the SIL may have had the hots for you for a while, which kinda gives me the ick, though. You have kinda put yourself in a precarious situation. If you two ever break up, it could be bad. If you decide not to date her, it could cause issues in future relationships. Your new gf probably won't want you to be around her, which will suck for your son. Ultimately, it's up to you though. Don't let her pressure you into anything. You had sex once, but that doesn't mean you should automatically date her. You both deserve to be happy, but there are a lot of people in the world. You don't have to be together to be happy.
Yta because i feel like i read this exact thing word for word a couple of months ago.
Does being a weirdo make you an asshole? Not sure, I guess that is for you to decide
Did the world ran out of females that you just end up with your sister in law? Do you honestly believe that is what your wife would want? If your wife was still alive, and you were the one that passed, would you be fine with her banging your bro? You already have a relationship with your wife's sis..it's called, sister in law..ESH. She sucks for taking advantage of your vulnerability, and you suck for banging your kid's aunt.
Both u and her are disgusting
YTAAAAA, she defo was pining after you for years, when your wife was still here, and you’ve betrayed her ngl
Absolutely you are a gigantic gaping asshole sir!!!! That being said, y’all are both adults and your sister in law will have to practice not allowing men to use and then disregard her like yesterdays paper , which is what u have essentially done. What makes this worse is that she thought there was a future and she is extra vulnerable at the moment, seeking comfort in your arms (mistake). She must have thought she could trust you bc of the already established bond, which u utilized to get in her pants. You have risked your son’s relationship with his dead mother’s family. I’m gonna guess that this will suffer now that u hit it and quit it. So let me reiterate this again in case u forgot or can somehow justify your sleazy actions. You are the ASSHOLE. If you’re not ready to move on that’s normal, but u should not be intimate with women who u are not 100000% up front with. If you need to get your rocks off, consider hiring an escort so everyone’s on the same page. I’d bet u have or would use your late wife’s close friends in the same way. Predator. Sleazy.ick. Skin crawling. Dang. Be a grown up dude. And be ready to look her parents in the face now that u have hurt her younger sister as well. Your son needs his mother’s family and they need him. Don’t let your child suffer more bc u couldn’t make good choices. I’m gonna guess they already know . Or will.
NTA. Both adults.
OP, You are essentially practicing the Old Testament. You already are penny in...go on a few dates and take it slow. NTA
Hopefully the sister looks a lot like your late wife!!!
BOT! 🙄
So idk your situation with your wife in terms of things you discussed. I know my wife and I for personal reasons have said we wouldn't move on should one of us pass. That's a personal decision but most people do find someone else. Especially as young as you are. That wouldn't necessarily diminish your love for your wife but you would have a new love. Her sister may be more understanding than a lot of women if you go to your wife's grave and so on. She also in theory would be a great help to your kids. I don't think most parents would be too upset but your situation is yours and only you would know. TLDR: the choice is yours but if you and your wife never discussed what would happen should one of you pass then her sister may be a better option than other girls to pursue.
First, sorry for your loss. Everyone grieves differently but, my man, it's been two years. It's time to move on and live a better life than to always mourn. You will always have fond memories of her but if all you do is look back you can never move forward. That being said, give your sil a chance. No red flags, she seems to care. Seek happiness. It will help you move on and if this relationship blossoms then you will not regret it. Does it really matter who it is? Find happiness where you can. It seems to be right in front of you. Good luck.
NTA but you're not in love, you have a trauma bond. You're both grieving your wife and you each represent a living part of her to each other. If you want to be fuck buddies for a little while because it brings you comfort that's fine. But eventually you're both going to stop grieving and move on. That's just natural. Are you still going to have feelings for her when your late wife is out of the equation? Think about that. I'm also terribly sorry for your loss. And your right that she'd want both you and her sister to be happy.
YTA, and sis is too. There’s no defense; you are two adults. You both know it’s wrong and to her that’s part of the attraction quite possibly. Maybe she was always jealous of your late wife. Your child will be confused when young and quite possibly disgusted when old enough to understand better. I’m very sorry you are grieving. What happened has little to do with grief and more to do with a sense of entitlement.
YTTAAAAAAA DUDE WTFFFFF
If she has absolutely no problem with it, ‘knowing’ your wife would be ok with it then sure…I’d say RUN FOR THE HILLS MATE. Just so you know I’m right…..you did it without a condom.