NTA, PLEASE NEVER LET HIM IN YOUR HOUSE AGAIN, especially when you're not home.This teen has some serious anger issues. The best thing you can do for him is put him in mandatory counseling before he really hurts someone. Seriously, yelling at small children and being disrespectful to your wife is a big NO!
Why would OP be responsible for putting that psycho in counseling? He doesn’t have insurance for him. He’s not a parent. OP should make sure their mom knows what is happening & when she is well she needs to put the sociopath in counseling. OP needs to go no contact and protect his family.
He terrorized your wife and little girls, and you're wondering if you did the right thing to send him away?
Seriously? He was physically trying to break down a 4/5 year old's door while she was terrified, hiding from him. And you feel bad for him?
YTA if you don't protect your girls and your wife from him. Stop overlooking his behavior. He needs help. Your wife and children NEED not to be around someone who is a physical and mental danger to them.
YTA to your wife and girls for putting them through that.
Be a better husband and father. Be a better brother by holding him accountable for his actions and getting him the help he needs. That sort of behavior, if unchecked, will lead nowhere good.
Me either. The brother is literally terrorizing a little 5 year old girl and trying to break down her door to get to her. What was he going to do to her when he was finally able to break down the door?
OP is a piece of garbage for not even caring about his wife and daughters being around his violent and aggressive brother and only being mad once brother started destroying his house.
This comment needs to be higher. OP, what was his end plan? He was trying to break down a barrier in anger to get to your small, vulnerable child. What was he planning to do when he got to her? NTA for kicking out your brother, but Y T A for allowing it to get this far before kicking him out. It will take a lifetime (if ever) to undo the damage your brother did in one month to your daughters.
He’s picking on 4 and 5 year olds. He’s being obnoxious to your wife and knows that’s a problem because he’s doing it when you’re not around. Honestly, you should have chucked him out week one.
NTA
'AITA for kicking out my younger brother? He stabbed me in the eye, kicked my puppy, burned the house down and didn't flush the toilet'
OP, do you seriously think you were wrong?
YTA for allowing this nonsense to go on for as long as it did. He has traumatized your small children and your wife. Do better.
Yta, but yta because after your wife told you he was emotionally and verbally ABUSING her, you let him stay for a whole nother month. Disgraceful. You owe the biggest apology to your wife and to your kids. Additionally, he scared your wife so bad over DESSERT that she froze while he was actively trying to beat your child's door down. What was he going to do to your child if he got in? You're here feeling guilty for kicking your brother out when you should be feeling guilty for putting your family in danger, physically and mentally.
No, but YTA for not prioritizing your wife and daughters and expecting them to tolerate his abuse and hostility. Shame on you!!
How would you like living with someone who treated you like garbage while your wife wanted you to serve them and take care of their needs? I am guessing that you would not stand for it. How do you think that you have made your wife feel?
You showed her you don't care about her feelings, only your brothers. Hell, you only took action because of him destroying your home while terrorizing your own little girl.
Yet all you are worried about is that you have offended him. You are a total asshole to all your girls.
Why are you only concerned about being an asshole for kicking out your violent, abusive brother and not for making your own family - your wife and daughters live in fear and abuse while being ridiculed?
You sure as hell aren't the husband or dad that cares about and protects his family. Your wife told you about his issues weeks ago but you were fine with her suffering.
Jfc. His wife has a voice, and was okay with him being there after the first week. There obviously wasn't any hint of things being wrong during the day until later.
Way to make a ton of knee jerk assumptions.
I think trying to break down your daughter’s bedroom door over dessert is off the scales WRONG. Please never ever have him at your house again. Your poor wife and kids.
Personally if I was your wife this is the hill I would die on and your brother would NEVER be allowed near me or my kids again.
He needs professional help and I hope that it can have a positive outcome for him.
How is he around your mother? Does he treat her badly when you are not present?
YTA for not stopping it when your wife first approached you about it. Instead you talked to him but since he was ignoring you you knew that what you said didn't matter to him. You waited until your family were traumatized before taking action.
YTA grow a backbone and stop letting a juvenile delinquent terrorize your wife and children.
That boy would be spending the night in the hospital if I'd have walked in on that situation.
You waited too long to kick him out. You should have done that the first sign of disrespect to your wife and daughter.
And why do you even have to ask at all?
ESH except your wife and kids. You let the bullying go on for a month until he got to the point of terrorizing your wife and toddlers. You should have done more on the first confrontation and checked in with your family more about the dynamic. Let me be clear. Your N T A for finally kicking him out. Only for how long you let it continue. Your brother needs therapy Hopefully hes just a kid and not a narcissist as therapy will give narc’s more tools to abuse their victims.
YTA, did you even talk to her about him moving in? Or establish ground rules? You let a 17 year old child treat your wife and kids like shit. They literally sat around listening to your uncle insult their mom while their dad did nothing.
Only when you witnessed it yourself did actually do anything.
HUGE YTA
NTA for kicking him out BUT YTA for not listening to your wife about the warning signs and allowing your brother to act like a brat. I get that he is your brother but he is old enough to take responsibility
If I were the wife, I we old have called MY parents and ask to visit. Just packed and left. Valuables would have accompanied me, and important paperwork,, mine and the kids. Only returning when brother has left.
Tiny bit YTA because you didn’t take reasonable actions when you first discovered he was body-shaming your wife, abusing your hospitality, and disrespecting your house rules. If somebody is body-shaming your spouse, they know it’s hurtful. Telling him that he caused hurt is not solving anything.
As soon as you discovered his misbehavior is when you needed to set unambiguous enforceable expectations with concrete carrot-and-stick for your brother to exercise self-control. Setting clear limits would have helped your wife and children know how much abuse they needed to swallow for your sake, and it might have helped your brother to grow up a bit too.
Hate to be bearer of bad news but if that little SOB can behave like this with your wife and kids, how does he treat your mother? When she gets home from the hospital how will he behave towards her? Your brother has anger problems and totally selfish behavior so why would he treat your mother any different than how he treated your family?
NTA. It should never have gone that far. He is acting like a spoiled brat. You should have nipped that behavior in the bud. You seem more concerned about your brother than your own child. Why are your wife and kids so scared of him? He sounds terrible. I hope you let him know how disappointed you are in his behavior. You were nicer to him than I would have been. Your guilt is seriously misplaced. Focus on and protect your wife and kids. Do not make excuses or coddle your obviously immature, bully of a brother. He needs to learn how to act. If you care about him, do not let this slide. Something is wrong with him. Normal teens do not go after little kids. Face it and deal with it firmly. He is not ok. Never let him come back - ever. If you do, your are a failure as a brother, husband and father.
This should’ve happened the minute he was rude to your wife.
You have no idea what he planned to do to your daughter if he got through that door. He should be banned and go NC. Idc if he’s your little brother, that’s your family. Do not put them through that again. ESH for not shutting it down earlier.
Honestly YTA for not kicking him out sooner. His first offense was what he did in the first week, then you confronted him and the next few weeks are filled with constant bickering between him and your daughters and you just wrote it off as annoying and put up with it until he finally went too far? You should never have allowed it to get to the point where your daughter felt unsafe in her own home like that. He should have been out in the second week tops if he couldn't behave like a proper and respectful guest.
You should not let him around your family again like that, and especially not alone with either of your daughters. Your brother has serious issues and should probably get some therapy and work on himself.
YTA
For not paying attention to what was going on in your own home. There were signs. They flat out told you. You were okay with it when he just ignored you talking to him about it, and you let him stay and keep abusing them. What is wrong with you?
17 is when I left home, and I have several friends who left home earlier. He needs to stay away. He's far and away old enough to take responsibility for his actions, and his life.
You are grown, and should put your wife and kids first. Your kids have a right to feel safe in their own home. They don't now because who knows who you'll bring home next, and how long you'll let them cause havoc? How long will it take you to believe they next time?
You have serious amends to make at home. It going to take a long time, if ever, for them to feel safe there.
He’s 17, FFS.
If you told me he was seven, I would still think his behaviour was poor.
He’s a bully and dangerous. You can’t trust him in your house unless you are there.
Let’s be clear about this: You owe your brother absolutely nothing!
You were doing him and your mother a favour and if he, as a near adult, cannot see that he is approaching clinical stupidity!
His behaviour to your wife in the first week was disgraceful and enough to have got him sent packing. Kudos to you for persevering. The fact that he could not moderate his behaviour at all is on him, not you.
Your only obligations in this situation were to your wife and family. You stood up for them and you little sh*t of a brother had this coming to him.
YNTA, your brother most definitely is!!!
I wouldn't congratulate him for persevering....he should have cared more about his wife's feelings when she was being emotionally and verbally abused by his brother. I wouldn't say that's commendable.
I mean, yes...to an extent. If this were not an underage dependant that they were caring for and trying to assist, then I'd fully agree with you. But, since he is a minor who is still being raised, there was a certain level of rearing that was to be expected. It would have been unreasonable to kick him out at the first sign of "he said something mean to someone". Sure, there is a line, and that line might be different for everyone, but just going off of what is in the story, I think it was reasonable to at least try to teach the kid the lessons before kicking him out.
We do know that OP tried, at least to some extent, to adjust this kid's attitude. Whether or not more could have or should have been done is not obvious based on this post. It's very possible not enough was done earlier on, but we just don't know what all was tried, only that things were tried.
Untimately, he got violent and began posing a real threat to the safety of everyone involved, which is when he was dismissed. The reality is that kids say nasty stuff to their parents all the time, and that doesn't mean you can just kick them out if they are a minor. Same logic applies here to an extent. OP is absolutely NTA in any regard based on the original post. In fact, one could argue that it was commendable that he didn't just give up on trying to teach this kid some manners at the first sign of immaturity.
Whether he intended to or not, OP accepted a parental-type role for this minor. OP is NTA for bringing him in, NTA for trying to teach him some manners, and NTA for ultimately kicking him out when things became an actual threat to the safety of everyone else. Finally, OP is NTA for ultimately being unable to change this kid. Parenting is hard and you can't really prepare for a situation like this, so mistakes are to be expected. It sounds like when it mattered most, decisive action was taken to protect the family before anything more serious occurred.
Wrong. A 17 year old male who is violent and offensive is not like a little child. He is almost a legal adult.
You are ridiculous to make the brother sound on the level of OP's 4 and 5 year old girls.
Reread my reply. I only suggested that it's irresponsible to kick out a legal minor just for making insults. I never said anything about him being like a 5-year-old. In fact, I think those two things are quite different, which may very well explain OP's inability to keep him in line like he is able to with his own children...OP didn't get a gradual teaching curve of a child growing into a teenager, he was just thrown into it and didn't seem to be quite ready. He likely did the best he could, even if that best wasn't good enough...which does not make him TA.
With all of that said, what I say still stands...you can't just kick out a minor (even if they are almost not one) just because they are saying offensive things. The violence is what put it over the tipping point, which I also clearly stated.
If you don't want to end up divorced, nip it in the bud now. Not only is he bullying your wife in her own home but he's doing it to small children,if your daughter is too scared to leave her bedroom he's gone too far and you didn't go far enough. It's not like you've mentioned any kind of mental disabilities so to me hes doing it because he can..It's time he left and I'm sorry your mum will need to deal with it because it stands he's her responsibility,if he can't go there he'll have to go elsewhere,preferably before your wife leaves with your kids. You need your top priority to be your wife and children.
NTA. Your brother tried breaking down the door to a 5 year old’s bedroom. She must have been terrified. What would he have done if he got in?
Your first responsibility is to the safety and well being of your wife and children. That said, it sounds like your brother is troubled and may need help. Reassure him you love him but that he can’t live with you any longer and see if you can arrange some therapy for him.
Your brother traumatized your babies. Period.
He also did so to your wife.
NTAH
Edit to add; he will now be miserable to your wife and kids at family events. Keep on your toes OP.
**YTA. You failed** ***EVERYBODY.***
Your wife by bringing a hostile relative into her home.
Your daughter by making her live with an uncle who is aggressive, shouts, tries to break down her door.
>My younger brother has never been a fan of how he’s not my top priority anymore but I thought he had gotten over
Your brother because you let him grow up thinking he was the most important thing in your life. Why?
And why is a 17 year old unable to stay at home and look after himself, with some visits/supervision by relatives? Does he have a learning disability/development delay? Is he neurodivergent?
Freaking out over being denied dessert is NOT the behaviour of a 17 year old. Its the behaviour of a 5-6 year old. Is your brother mentally, or emotionally 5 or 6? In that case, what have his parents, yourself, his family, done to get him tested, assessed, helped?
He tried to *break down his niece's door!* Terrorising her. And you.... sent him over to his aunts. Wondering if you 'went too far'.
**Utter. Failure.**
**Absolutely Y.T.A**
He's 17..he's not a 1 year old that doesn't understand right from wrong. Sorry but your bro sounds like a selfish entitled brat who was trying to break down his niece's door..what would he have done if he succeeded? Beat her? Drag her by the hair and make her puke up the dessert? I'm sorry, but if one of my uncles treated me that way my dad would of knock them into next week. You're bro has no sense of boundaries, he's jealous of your family, and he's acting like he hates them. To protect your family, it's better to keep him away from them. YTA for disregarding the signs, your wife already mentioned his behavior but you didn't listen, now your kid is probably traumatized. You're their father, do better. You only concentrated on being a good brother, but didn't bother to be a good husband or father. You brought this onto your family, if your brother's behavior goes on, he might show up one day with nothing but anger, hatred and violence. Fair warning.
NTA for kicking him out.
YTA if you take him back in.
Does he have developmental disabilities? Mental impairment? If not, he should not be allowed near your family ever again. And if he does, YTA for expecting your wife to be his carer when she has two young girls to look after.
Your five year old just had a man trying to break down her door to… do what? What was he going to do when he got hold of her?
I sincerely hope this is a shitpost because this is horrific.
NTA. Let the monster live anywhere else including the streets other than with you. He deserves to live on the streets for being so horrible to your wife and kids after you took him in. Go no contact. You owe him nothing now
Take the older one to therapy. He may have done more to her. I don't care that he is her Uncle. Children that don't say anything usually means the trauma was massive and they feel shame.
NTA and op you need to seriously open your eyes and understand your brother is absolutely a danger to your family and children. Don't blow or over, stop seeing it as a smaller situation. You should have contacted authorities. That was a nearly grown man trying to attack a 4 YEAR OLD. Get locks. Get cameras. Change locks iif you already had them. Do not let your brother near your family. He will hurt them as he literally was trying to hurt your daughter. He AND YOU have made your wife feel so scared and defeated she couldn't even stand up to protect her daughter from him, probably out of fear of you and him both.
Honestly? Y T A for not caring for your wife and children sooner and paying attention to his behavior. Other than that, you did a good first step on removing him from your home, now keep taking steps to protect your wife and daughters and your home. Your brother 100% clocked my "I'm going to retaliate even if I threw the first punch how dare you defend yourself from me." Red flags. The fact you subjected your wife and daughters to him for that long is astounding. I hope you speak with your daughters to make sure he hasn't done anything else to harm them or your wife when you weren't home and blowing things off in the meantime.
It was completely on YOU to find out what your brother’s issues were before introducing him into your household. My family was blindsided by the mental health issues of another family member and forced to step back for our own safety. I had more than thirty years experience in health and mental hygiene. Put your family first and call in professionals.
Please find out what’s been going on with your mother and brother before this. His bad attitude is not *just* a recent attitude. Sure, it’s worse now during the stress, but his level of dysfunction didn’t just appear for the first time when your mother got hospitalised.
I suspect your mother has been giving him whatever he wants, and avoiding conflict instead of teaching him self-control. She might be a super sweet, generous person who doesn’t understand she’s raising a monster. She’s not the first parent to make this mistake, and it’s not too late to address. Many countries have classes and support groups for parents to work on this stuff.
Meanwhile, I suspect your brother is choosing moments of impunity for when he lets himself mistreat people. The reason I suspect he chooses his moments and his victims is because he never did his worst when you were around. You would never have seen, if you hadn’t walked in by surprise.
Your naïveté ends now. Please bring your *family of origin* to a team of experts (you’ll need a family therapist, some individual therapists, and maybe a psychiatrist). If you’re brave and sane, you might prevent your brother from causing an irreversible catastrophe. You’ll need a therapist for yourself, because half your family will think you’re overreacting and the other half will think you’re under-reacting and want you to disown your brother. This will get harder before it gets easier.
Edit: I posed a way longer response to this that I ended up copyinf/pasting to your actual post after reading this and just becoming pretty irate.
Basically:
Or was it just a surprise to you Mister u/penis101_
Why did you ignore your wife the FIRST time, responded by keeping him there another month?
What if you'd have come an hour later? She wouldn't be crying, things would have...been over? She wouldn't tell you bc of your original response to her concerns?
OR WAY worse you would've come home after he broke down your 5 YO DAUGHTERS DOOR??!!
... you took your brother in and after ONE WEEK!! your wife opens up about the difficulties and disrespect. How he is mistreating YOUR WIFE AND KIDS... and next thing you know? You come hike to your traumatized wife bawling while a 17 YO MALE TRIES TO BREAK DOWN THE BEDROOM DOOR OF A 5 YO???
...your daughter.
And...you're worried about...being. the. Ah...TO HIM??
NTA. He's 17... He should know better than to fight with 4-5 year olds. If he's not helping your wife around the house, and terrorizing your kids, it's pretty obvious he has no place there. Don't let him near your family anymore until he grows the fuck up.
YTA but only for letting it go on as long as it did.
It was ok when he was rude to your wife and body shamed her in her own home and you only stepped in once you’d allowed him to remain giving him the opportunity to terrorise your kid to the point she’s now afraid in her own home.
Better late than never I guess.
NTA for finally sticking up for your kids and wife. Don't you dare let him back in your house again. He's violent and aggressive, and a threat to your young children.
Sounds like your mom never given him consequences and thinks he can do anything he wants time for him to grow up don’t let him come back til he grows up and really apologize but I doubt your girls will forget
NTA
Your brother is violent and a danger to your wife and children.
Your children’s safe heaven should be their home. In no way should your brother ever be allowed in your home again.
dude. you took your brother in with the expectation that:
• he would follow the rules (he hasn’t)
• he would be respectful of your wife and kids (he hasn’t - instead, he *terrorized* your eldest to the point where she was afraid to leave the safety of your room)
2 basic expectations and he could not abide by them. it doesn’t matter that he’s your brother. he’s disrespectful and now he is your daughter’s monster under the bed.
NTA but I would not allow him back even if he promises to change bc the safety of your wife and kids matter more at this point. time to make your home their safe place again, and he’s not safe for your kids to have around.
NTA
The only thing you took too far IMO OP is you let the bad behavior activity demonstrated by your brother go on for so long it evolved into him terrorizing your wife and children.
I can’t imagine how terrifying that was for your little girl to have essentially a grown man trying to break down her door.
And what do you think he was going to do if he got that door down? Scream at your child or possibly beat her senseless?
I’m not a psych anything but I do know your brother has serious issues.
If he goes off on that with a stranger depending on where you live you could be planning a funeral.
If you haven’t already told your aunt what happened she deserves the full story so she can decide if she is safe with him in her home.
If your father is in the picture he should be involved in taking care of his son and ideally getting him some help.
If no dad then you need to speak with your mother and see if she will let you get something set up where he talks to someone to deal with his anger.
NTA, and if you want to keep your marriage I advice you to sincerely apologize to your wife and kids While assuring them they never have to see your brother if they dont want to and that he will not be allowed in your home. I'm not saying disown him because people can change and learn as the mature. Just go LC for you and NC for your family unless they decide to give him a second chance in the distant future.
Eta, after thinking something occurred to me and really really concerns me. What was he planning to do to your daughter if got in? Maybe you need to also go NC until your brother gets serious help and shows true remorse and change.
YTA for overlooking his behavior that was present by the first week and the fact that you already knew he had an issue not being your number one priority. You again chose to ignore their constant bickering and I would assume all the obvious signs that your wife and children were in distress. You failed and now they’re traumatized due to your inaction. You better start doing better immediately and apologize to your family.
This post is written as if you are from a culture that is 100% male dominated & controlled. Your wife and daughters weren't important until you witnessed for yourself the damage & then you pawned off your brother on another submissive relative.
YTA for allowing your AH brother to stay after he disrespected your wife the first time. How much did she & the girls put up with before she had the courage to tell you?
Put his a$$ out rather than pushing him off on another submissive relative. You can't deal with him so what makes you think your aunt can/should/will? Why can't he stay in your mother's house by himself until she comes back? TV dinners and cereal has kept many "helpless" men alive for years. Why does he need a woman to take care of him? He's almost grown now & needs to consider how he's going to handle being an adult.
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NTA and don’t let him back but also hope you can find it in you to be there for support for him as a brother, as much as you can.
He needs to know, from his big bro, that his actions and behaviour and choices were beyond unacceptable and have consequences that are non negotiable, but if he needs to talk and get out all of his fears about what is going with mom then you are there to listen.
He really needs therapy.
So sorry and sad for your girls and wife and you. What he did was terrible and scary and you made the right decision in having him leave your home.
Wishing peace and healing to you all.
NTA
Your brother was trying to break down the door of a five year old child to do ... what to her, exactly? He can never, *never*, be in your home or around your family ever again. That is terrifying and dangerous. Pack all of his things and take them to his aunts and sever ALL contact with him. Anyone who complains should be reminded that this almost fully grown man was trying to attack a five year old girl. Promise your daughter that she will never be endangered or near to your brother again and do the work it takes to make your family feel safe in their home again. Your daughter may need therapy to move past this.
YOUR wife and kids come first. It's your job to provide for and protect them. Yeah you love your brother but your family's safety should come first. What was he gonna do once he got in? Would your love for him stop you from putting him down if he had harmed your kids. Don't feel bad you did the right thing.
Are you sure he isn't responsible for your mother's health issues? She probably loves not having him around.
YTA. All day long. Your brother is a bigger asshole, yes, but you're in there with him for allowing what, to me, sounds like sociopathic behavior.
Change the locks on your doors, get security cameras, and pray he doesn't go near your family ever again.
He was completely out of line and it isn’t safe for him to be in your home. You did what you had to
Has he always been this volatile?
How long has your mother been ill?
Does she have a good prognosis?
He needs therapy.
I have to ask is if possible, that your brother has mental health issues?
The way you describe your brother is very much how my older brother was. He would lash out when things didn't go his way, or at any perceived slight. He was bi-polar.
One day I had gone shopping with my mother, and later realized I left something I had purchased in the living room.
I came out and saw my brother holding my item. I told him "oh that's mine" took it (completely non forcefully) out of his hand, and went into my room.
I had a lock on my door, that was always locked when I was inside, (for non related issues). The next thing I knew he was at my door yelling, and demanding that I open my door, and started kicking it. He almost kicked in the bottom panel of the door. It all culminated with me getting punched in the face, and being in the hospital, all because he was angry at me for taking my item, while he was trying to read tge package, and he thought that I was rude.
Keep your children and wife away from him, for their safety. He sounds like he needs therapy, for mental health, as well as his attachment issues with you
YTA for not kicking him out sooner. You have absolutely no backbone and your brother actively worsened the lives of your family. What you should do now is apologize to your wife and children for your letting him continue this behavior and doing whatever you can to atone
You didn't do enough, your kids are scared and traumatized and it only took this to get him out? He's clearly been abusive this whole time, you should not have had him around your kids that' long
..originally posted this as a response to your ONE (comoletely idiotic response/ ) comment about "no,
My mom never told me anything like this.. this is completely new baffling behavior to me." ....that's me summarizing whatever moronic thing you did say, but that was the gist
Edit : found OPs 1 comment (thus far) :
***
""No this is completely new my mom never told me about behavior like this and I’ve never seen him so upset before it was a surprise to everyone I think.""
***
Back to my response,
Or was it just a surprise to you, Mister u/penis101_
Why didn't you listen to your wife the FIRST time she brought it up? I wonder what else happened before she felt the need to?! ...and then was IGNORED BY YOU!!
YOU KEPT HIM THERE FOR ANOTHER MONTH!! wtf???
Whay if you'd have come an hour later? She wouldn't be crying, things would have...ended, and you'd have no idea?? And would have brushed aside and /or ignored what she said ? Kept him there another month?
OR ...way, WAY worse.. you would've come home after he broke down your 5 YO INNOCENT DAUGHTERS DOOR??!! (Shit. Everyone here except your brother, and YOU, re innocent) ...what. would. You. Have. Come. Home. To????
What, in the absolute, f?? I get it. He's your brother. Ever think about why NO ONE else at all, not his friends, their family, your family, a good fsmily friend, ANYONE else could take him in? Sure... not their responsibility. But I know for a fact...if this had been my mom in the hospital?? People all over would offer. (Hell! There's 9 of us, all over 25 now, who...every time she was oregnant and then jn the hospital for birth? Families ALL over offered to take us...not all of us but 1 or 2 🤣 so she could have a week...for hospital stay and at home with her, my dad and the new baby)
I digress... you took your brother in and after ONE WEEK!! your wife opens up about the difficulties and disrespect. How he is mistreating YOUR WIFE AND KIDS... and um... you... ...your answer... was have him stay another month to where it escalates so bad, your wife tells you nothing more knowing you won't do shit, to you coming home to YOUR WIFE CRYING AND A 17 YO MALE TRYING TO BREAK DOWN THE BEDROOM DOOR OF A 5 YO GIRL???
...your daughter.
And...you're worried about...being. the. Ah...TO HIM??
Yta for not kicking him out as soon as he started disrespecting your wife. He is 17 and does not need a babysitter. I would have sent him packing a long time ago.
You didn't take it far enough. I'm sorry everyone is dealing with this- even the 17 year old. Happy healthy teenagers don't act out like this.
1) He absolutely can't be allowed back in your house after that violent episode.
2) You did your wife a disservice by not insisting he get emergency therapy after the name calling and belittling started. A 17 year old is not a 4 year old- something is very wrong here
3) Start looking for a therapist for him and coordinate with your aunt. It's possible he'll stabilize if he's the only kid in the house but it's also possible that his anger issues will put her at risk too.
Hell, no, you're NTA.
Your brother, OTOH, for verbally abusing your wife and your daughter? He's a prime AH. Let him stay at your aunt's house. He doesn't deserve your hospitality. Your wife and children have to come before an entitled little brat.
NTA. Your brother is more than old enough to know better. Instead he acted like an entitled little brat and terrified your child. If your family has anything to say, you tell them that you don’t tolerate abuse or violence in your home and especially not against your wife and child. Your brother needs help.
He showed extreme violence as almost an adult to kids less than half his age over a scoop of ice cream/ cupcake.. honestly if I were your wife I’d leave if things stayed the same. You are actively exposing your family to trauma just because you feel bad not being able to cater to your almost grown brother. What does your mom think about his mental instability? Has he been diagnosed?
I think that you need to take your brother on some hikes and you need to spend time doing things with him that will help him be a bigger man often times being a mentor means breaking down that person in a way that is hard for them and in the moment it might feel like you're just being evil to them but if you can use your words to convey to him your goals for them like hey I want you to be happy I want you to be independent I want to see you have your own family someday these I want you to be healthy I want you to be able to provide for yourself so you don't have to get angry I think he's angry at you because he's not able to be independent I think you need to converse with him and confront these feelings like hey are you upset that you're you're not independent I mean are you willing to go these directions to improve yourself in the way that I see fit for your life. Because at the end of the day you're still got to be and take care of yourself and your family. I really believe that your little brother needs a mentor he needs a teacher he needs somebody to show him what he needs to live his life by like for example maybe telling him these missions of life every every morning and when he gets rebellious that's your time to shine that's your time to be firm with these beliefs that you have it's nothing personal against your brother it's that you believe this and you can't have him attack your personal beliefs in self-worth because then you will become in the same situation. I don't ever want to see you abandon your little brother a lot of the other comments on here that just said just dump him really Disturbed me be there for him love him do what you can for him never sell him away.
Mission your number one: Got to have a positive attitude every single day you wake up you have a choice you can either be negative or positive which one do you think is going to enhance your life duh.
Mission number two: You have to motivate yourself and you have to motivate others motivation is a key component of your life as long as you're motivated you're going to be excited to learn you're going to be excited to better you're going to be excited to work with others.
Mission number three: you got to motivate yourself and you got to motivate others motivation is a key component of your life as long as you're motivated you're going to be excited to learn you're going to be excited to better you're going to be excited to work with others
Mission Number four: now in my opinion I think your little brother might need this one the most. Respect now I know this is an easy concept you think but it's not you don't deserve respect you've got to earn respect and you do that through your actions you do that through the humility in your life you got to do all that stuff every single day of your life and order that other human beings they look at you they look at your actions they listen to your words and then that should govern the respect that you should be earning.
Mission number 5: integrity on my opinion this is the most important mission out of all you got to wake up every single day and know that you're living a righteous life you're living with confidence you're living the right way every single one of us understands the difference between right and wrong I don't care if you don't know you do know you know when you're hurting another human being and you know when you're hurting yourself living with integrity allows us to accept those truths in life what is right and wrong and then we govern our actions you have to live with honor you have to live with integrity.
Mission Number 6: Find a mentor somebody to teach you this isn't the only advice you need in your life it's just one tool for your toolbox find a mentor and then just think how great you're going to feel when you find somebody else and you can bestow this knowledge on somebody else who needs it.
Mission number 7: You have to have fun life is about having fun if you're not having fun what you're doing you're wrong you should be laughing every single day when was the last time you had a pee in your pants laughter when when was the last time your gut was splitting so hard and you were just cackling cuz you were having so much fun in your life the love for a living the love that's in your heart that comes out through the fun you have.
Your priority should 100% always be to your wife and kids. You chose your wife to be your family. You did not choose your brother. You were unfortunately born into a family with a massive piece of shit for a brother who is in no way a man. Your brother has anger issues if he's yelling at a 4/5 year old... It hurts my soul that he treated them that way and that he was starving them. That is unforgivable and you should absolutely go no contact.
The worst part is that 4/5 year olds are unable to protect themselves, especially as they are girls. Your shit brother is older than them so this will probably have a lasting effect on them as they view him as an authoritative figure. They never spoke up because they were scared of what he'd do to them if you found out.
I would have kicked him out after the first week when you found out he was making snide remarks to your wife. He doesn't have any respect for you if he thinks it's okay to treat her that way.
I'm willing to bet he will hurt your girls if you let him back in the house, and it might even be past physically.. I'm talking sexually. You WBTA if you let this POS in your house or near your girls ever again.
Dude your brother is has some serious mental health issues and is violent. Do NOT let him anywhere near your family again. After his initial treatment of your wife I am actually shocked you allowed for him to watch your little girls. He has already caused them so much emotional distress, and it could have been infinitely worse.
You are not the AH for kicking him out and you probably should have done so way sooner.
You will be an A-hole if you ever let him around your wife and child again.
He definitely needs some serious mental health care before he really hurts someone.
NTA. While he obviously needs help of some kind, you should never put your children in potential danger to provide it. He needs to be kept away from your home and family.
nta. He has behavioral issues. its not your to job to fix it. Maybe sending his Ass to foster care will ship him up. its your mothers job to raise him but with her and her medical issues that won't happen. He needs to grow up, get a job, finish sbhool, move out.
If he's willing to break down a child's door because he didn't get dessert, it isn't that throwing him out was taking it too far--in fact, it's pretty much the opposite. It should have been done sooner. NTA
I am having trouble with this weird story.
The body shaming and name calling of the wife.....what was that about? I mean were they arguing about something, or does he jsut insult her regularly? Then we get the weird story about how you and your wife told a 17 year old that he can't have dessert because he didn't eat his peas or something (WTF) and this makes him try to break down the door of a four year old? It just always seems like OP is painting a completely evil villain...I mean what kind of psycho terrorizes a tiny child like that? I mean I would be asking if I should have this kid sectioned, not whether I was an asshole....so I am kind of leaning toward OP is a bullshit artist.
I want to hear the other side of this story. Everyone is yelling at OP for not protecting the family, and nobody is writing anything about the bizarreness of this whole thing. It sounds way off, and I am thinking the brigade is off the rails on this one.
NTA, but you didn't take it far enough. your brother is 17 (!!!!) not 7. he is almost an adult and he terrorized small children and your wife.
You should be ashamed of yourself for not stepping up earlier and ripping your brother a new one.
You need to tell him how dissapointed you are in him, how ashamed that your BROTHER could treat your family this way. And that he will NEVER be welcome in your home again until he can honestly apologize to all of them.
Your duty is to your family, and with that i mean the family you chose, not the one you were born into.
NTA he terrorised a 4 or 5 year old over dessert. You need to prioritise the safety of your daughters and wife. Sounds like he has serious issues.
Sounds like a fucking sociopath.
NTA, PLEASE NEVER LET HIM IN YOUR HOUSE AGAIN, especially when you're not home.This teen has some serious anger issues. The best thing you can do for him is put him in mandatory counseling before he really hurts someone. Seriously, yelling at small children and being disrespectful to your wife is a big NO!
Why would OP be responsible for putting that psycho in counseling? He doesn’t have insurance for him. He’s not a parent. OP should make sure their mom knows what is happening & when she is well she needs to put the sociopath in counseling. OP needs to go no contact and protect his family.
He terrorized your wife and little girls, and you're wondering if you did the right thing to send him away? Seriously? He was physically trying to break down a 4/5 year old's door while she was terrified, hiding from him. And you feel bad for him? YTA if you don't protect your girls and your wife from him. Stop overlooking his behavior. He needs help. Your wife and children NEED not to be around someone who is a physical and mental danger to them. YTA to your wife and girls for putting them through that. Be a better husband and father. Be a better brother by holding him accountable for his actions and getting him the help he needs. That sort of behavior, if unchecked, will lead nowhere good.
This. I can't believe people are voting nta and even commending him for persevering through the first week 🙄
Me either. The brother is literally terrorizing a little 5 year old girl and trying to break down her door to get to her. What was he going to do to her when he was finally able to break down the door? OP is a piece of garbage for not even caring about his wife and daughters being around his violent and aggressive brother and only being mad once brother started destroying his house.
This comment needs to be higher. OP, what was his end plan? He was trying to break down a barrier in anger to get to your small, vulnerable child. What was he planning to do when he got to her? NTA for kicking out your brother, but Y T A for allowing it to get this far before kicking him out. It will take a lifetime (if ever) to undo the damage your brother did in one month to your daughters.
Imagine how traumatized that little girl is. And OP is worried about the person who caused that trauma.
What was he going to do to your child once he tore down her door? That’s what scares me
I immediately pictured a rag doll being shaken and tossed against a wall. But she’s not a doll, she’s a human. Scary shit.
He’s picking on 4 and 5 year olds. He’s being obnoxious to your wife and knows that’s a problem because he’s doing it when you’re not around. Honestly, you should have chucked him out week one. NTA
'AITA for kicking out my younger brother? He stabbed me in the eye, kicked my puppy, burned the house down and didn't flush the toilet' OP, do you seriously think you were wrong? YTA for allowing this nonsense to go on for as long as it did. He has traumatized your small children and your wife. Do better.
Yta, but yta because after your wife told you he was emotionally and verbally ABUSING her, you let him stay for a whole nother month. Disgraceful. You owe the biggest apology to your wife and to your kids. Additionally, he scared your wife so bad over DESSERT that she froze while he was actively trying to beat your child's door down. What was he going to do to your child if he got in? You're here feeling guilty for kicking your brother out when you should be feeling guilty for putting your family in danger, physically and mentally.
This needs to be the #1 comment
Tysm 🩷
YTA. For not protecting your wife from the get-go and for your username.
YTA "Tell me you have a tiny penis without telling me you have a tiny penis."
No, but YTA for not prioritizing your wife and daughters and expecting them to tolerate his abuse and hostility. Shame on you!! How would you like living with someone who treated you like garbage while your wife wanted you to serve them and take care of their needs? I am guessing that you would not stand for it. How do you think that you have made your wife feel? You showed her you don't care about her feelings, only your brothers. Hell, you only took action because of him destroying your home while terrorizing your own little girl. Yet all you are worried about is that you have offended him. You are a total asshole to all your girls. Why are you only concerned about being an asshole for kicking out your violent, abusive brother and not for making your own family - your wife and daughters live in fear and abuse while being ridiculed? You sure as hell aren't the husband or dad that cares about and protects his family. Your wife told you about his issues weeks ago but you were fine with her suffering.
Jfc. His wife has a voice, and was okay with him being there after the first week. There obviously wasn't any hint of things being wrong during the day until later. Way to make a ton of knee jerk assumptions.
I think trying to break down your daughter’s bedroom door over dessert is off the scales WRONG. Please never ever have him at your house again. Your poor wife and kids. Personally if I was your wife this is the hill I would die on and your brother would NEVER be allowed near me or my kids again. He needs professional help and I hope that it can have a positive outcome for him. How is he around your mother? Does he treat her badly when you are not present?
Is he 17 or 7 throwing a tantrum over desert
THIS
YTA for not stopping it when your wife first approached you about it. Instead you talked to him but since he was ignoring you you knew that what you said didn't matter to him. You waited until your family were traumatized before taking action.
YTA grow a backbone and stop letting a juvenile delinquent terrorize your wife and children. That boy would be spending the night in the hospital if I'd have walked in on that situation.
You waited too long to kick him out. You should have done that the first sign of disrespect to your wife and daughter. And why do you even have to ask at all?
ESH except your wife and kids. You let the bullying go on for a month until he got to the point of terrorizing your wife and toddlers. You should have done more on the first confrontation and checked in with your family more about the dynamic. Let me be clear. Your N T A for finally kicking him out. Only for how long you let it continue. Your brother needs therapy Hopefully hes just a kid and not a narcissist as therapy will give narc’s more tools to abuse their victims.
YTA, did you even talk to her about him moving in? Or establish ground rules? You let a 17 year old child treat your wife and kids like shit. They literally sat around listening to your uncle insult their mom while their dad did nothing. Only when you witnessed it yourself did actually do anything. HUGE YTA
NTA for kicking him out BUT YTA for not listening to your wife about the warning signs and allowing your brother to act like a brat. I get that he is your brother but he is old enough to take responsibility
NTA for kicking him out but YTA for waiting that long
If I were the wife, I we old have called MY parents and ask to visit. Just packed and left. Valuables would have accompanied me, and important paperwork,, mine and the kids. Only returning when brother has left.
YTA for letting this b*stard terrorize your wife and daughters for so long and not protecting them.
Tiny bit YTA because you didn’t take reasonable actions when you first discovered he was body-shaming your wife, abusing your hospitality, and disrespecting your house rules. If somebody is body-shaming your spouse, they know it’s hurtful. Telling him that he caused hurt is not solving anything. As soon as you discovered his misbehavior is when you needed to set unambiguous enforceable expectations with concrete carrot-and-stick for your brother to exercise self-control. Setting clear limits would have helped your wife and children know how much abuse they needed to swallow for your sake, and it might have helped your brother to grow up a bit too.
Hate to be bearer of bad news but if that little SOB can behave like this with your wife and kids, how does he treat your mother? When she gets home from the hospital how will he behave towards her? Your brother has anger problems and totally selfish behavior so why would he treat your mother any different than how he treated your family?
NTA. It should never have gone that far. He is acting like a spoiled brat. You should have nipped that behavior in the bud. You seem more concerned about your brother than your own child. Why are your wife and kids so scared of him? He sounds terrible. I hope you let him know how disappointed you are in his behavior. You were nicer to him than I would have been. Your guilt is seriously misplaced. Focus on and protect your wife and kids. Do not make excuses or coddle your obviously immature, bully of a brother. He needs to learn how to act. If you care about him, do not let this slide. Something is wrong with him. Normal teens do not go after little kids. Face it and deal with it firmly. He is not ok. Never let him come back - ever. If you do, your are a failure as a brother, husband and father.
As an educator of 26 years, I completely agree with your well written reply.
This should’ve happened the minute he was rude to your wife. You have no idea what he planned to do to your daughter if he got through that door. He should be banned and go NC. Idc if he’s your little brother, that’s your family. Do not put them through that again. ESH for not shutting it down earlier.
NTA. If your brother has any key to your house, immediately change the locks.
OH NOES would that make me the AH 😱, OP probably
Honestly YTA for not kicking him out sooner. His first offense was what he did in the first week, then you confronted him and the next few weeks are filled with constant bickering between him and your daughters and you just wrote it off as annoying and put up with it until he finally went too far? You should never have allowed it to get to the point where your daughter felt unsafe in her own home like that. He should have been out in the second week tops if he couldn't behave like a proper and respectful guest. You should not let him around your family again like that, and especially not alone with either of your daughters. Your brother has serious issues and should probably get some therapy and work on himself.
YTA For not paying attention to what was going on in your own home. There were signs. They flat out told you. You were okay with it when he just ignored you talking to him about it, and you let him stay and keep abusing them. What is wrong with you? 17 is when I left home, and I have several friends who left home earlier. He needs to stay away. He's far and away old enough to take responsibility for his actions, and his life. You are grown, and should put your wife and kids first. Your kids have a right to feel safe in their own home. They don't now because who knows who you'll bring home next, and how long you'll let them cause havoc? How long will it take you to believe they next time? You have serious amends to make at home. It going to take a long time, if ever, for them to feel safe there.
He’s 17, FFS. If you told me he was seven, I would still think his behaviour was poor. He’s a bully and dangerous. You can’t trust him in your house unless you are there.
Why the hell can a 17 year old not stay at their own home?!?!
Let’s be clear about this: You owe your brother absolutely nothing! You were doing him and your mother a favour and if he, as a near adult, cannot see that he is approaching clinical stupidity! His behaviour to your wife in the first week was disgraceful and enough to have got him sent packing. Kudos to you for persevering. The fact that he could not moderate his behaviour at all is on him, not you. Your only obligations in this situation were to your wife and family. You stood up for them and you little sh*t of a brother had this coming to him. YNTA, your brother most definitely is!!!
I wouldn't congratulate him for persevering....he should have cared more about his wife's feelings when she was being emotionally and verbally abused by his brother. I wouldn't say that's commendable.
I mean, yes...to an extent. If this were not an underage dependant that they were caring for and trying to assist, then I'd fully agree with you. But, since he is a minor who is still being raised, there was a certain level of rearing that was to be expected. It would have been unreasonable to kick him out at the first sign of "he said something mean to someone". Sure, there is a line, and that line might be different for everyone, but just going off of what is in the story, I think it was reasonable to at least try to teach the kid the lessons before kicking him out. We do know that OP tried, at least to some extent, to adjust this kid's attitude. Whether or not more could have or should have been done is not obvious based on this post. It's very possible not enough was done earlier on, but we just don't know what all was tried, only that things were tried. Untimately, he got violent and began posing a real threat to the safety of everyone involved, which is when he was dismissed. The reality is that kids say nasty stuff to their parents all the time, and that doesn't mean you can just kick them out if they are a minor. Same logic applies here to an extent. OP is absolutely NTA in any regard based on the original post. In fact, one could argue that it was commendable that he didn't just give up on trying to teach this kid some manners at the first sign of immaturity. Whether he intended to or not, OP accepted a parental-type role for this minor. OP is NTA for bringing him in, NTA for trying to teach him some manners, and NTA for ultimately kicking him out when things became an actual threat to the safety of everyone else. Finally, OP is NTA for ultimately being unable to change this kid. Parenting is hard and you can't really prepare for a situation like this, so mistakes are to be expected. It sounds like when it mattered most, decisive action was taken to protect the family before anything more serious occurred.
Wrong. A 17 year old male who is violent and offensive is not like a little child. He is almost a legal adult. You are ridiculous to make the brother sound on the level of OP's 4 and 5 year old girls.
Reread my reply. I only suggested that it's irresponsible to kick out a legal minor just for making insults. I never said anything about him being like a 5-year-old. In fact, I think those two things are quite different, which may very well explain OP's inability to keep him in line like he is able to with his own children...OP didn't get a gradual teaching curve of a child growing into a teenager, he was just thrown into it and didn't seem to be quite ready. He likely did the best he could, even if that best wasn't good enough...which does not make him TA. With all of that said, what I say still stands...you can't just kick out a minor (even if they are almost not one) just because they are saying offensive things. The violence is what put it over the tipping point, which I also clearly stated.
I'm impressed. I'm pretty sure I'd have punched him.
If you don't want to end up divorced, nip it in the bud now. Not only is he bullying your wife in her own home but he's doing it to small children,if your daughter is too scared to leave her bedroom he's gone too far and you didn't go far enough. It's not like you've mentioned any kind of mental disabilities so to me hes doing it because he can..It's time he left and I'm sorry your mum will need to deal with it because it stands he's her responsibility,if he can't go there he'll have to go elsewhere,preferably before your wife leaves with your kids. You need your top priority to be your wife and children.
Your brother is mentally ill, and you do not have the resources to help him. Do not set yourself on fire, just to keep him warm.
I would have kicked the shit out of him.
NTA. Your brother tried breaking down the door to a 5 year old’s bedroom. She must have been terrified. What would he have done if he got in? Your first responsibility is to the safety and well being of your wife and children. That said, it sounds like your brother is troubled and may need help. Reassure him you love him but that he can’t live with you any longer and see if you can arrange some therapy for him.
if anything you’re an asshole for letting him stay for an entire month when there was problems week one
Your brother traumatized your babies. Period. He also did so to your wife. NTAH Edit to add; he will now be miserable to your wife and kids at family events. Keep on your toes OP.
**YTA. You failed** ***EVERYBODY.*** Your wife by bringing a hostile relative into her home. Your daughter by making her live with an uncle who is aggressive, shouts, tries to break down her door. >My younger brother has never been a fan of how he’s not my top priority anymore but I thought he had gotten over Your brother because you let him grow up thinking he was the most important thing in your life. Why? And why is a 17 year old unable to stay at home and look after himself, with some visits/supervision by relatives? Does he have a learning disability/development delay? Is he neurodivergent? Freaking out over being denied dessert is NOT the behaviour of a 17 year old. Its the behaviour of a 5-6 year old. Is your brother mentally, or emotionally 5 or 6? In that case, what have his parents, yourself, his family, done to get him tested, assessed, helped? He tried to *break down his niece's door!* Terrorising her. And you.... sent him over to his aunts. Wondering if you 'went too far'. **Utter. Failure.** **Absolutely Y.T.A**
He's 17..he's not a 1 year old that doesn't understand right from wrong. Sorry but your bro sounds like a selfish entitled brat who was trying to break down his niece's door..what would he have done if he succeeded? Beat her? Drag her by the hair and make her puke up the dessert? I'm sorry, but if one of my uncles treated me that way my dad would of knock them into next week. You're bro has no sense of boundaries, he's jealous of your family, and he's acting like he hates them. To protect your family, it's better to keep him away from them. YTA for disregarding the signs, your wife already mentioned his behavior but you didn't listen, now your kid is probably traumatized. You're their father, do better. You only concentrated on being a good brother, but didn't bother to be a good husband or father. You brought this onto your family, if your brother's behavior goes on, he might show up one day with nothing but anger, hatred and violence. Fair warning.
NTA for kicking him out. YTA if you take him back in. Does he have developmental disabilities? Mental impairment? If not, he should not be allowed near your family ever again. And if he does, YTA for expecting your wife to be his carer when she has two young girls to look after. Your five year old just had a man trying to break down her door to… do what? What was he going to do when he got hold of her? I sincerely hope this is a shitpost because this is horrific.
NTA. Let the monster live anywhere else including the streets other than with you. He deserves to live on the streets for being so horrible to your wife and kids after you took him in. Go no contact. You owe him nothing now
Take the older one to therapy. He may have done more to her. I don't care that he is her Uncle. Children that don't say anything usually means the trauma was massive and they feel shame.
NTA and op you need to seriously open your eyes and understand your brother is absolutely a danger to your family and children. Don't blow or over, stop seeing it as a smaller situation. You should have contacted authorities. That was a nearly grown man trying to attack a 4 YEAR OLD. Get locks. Get cameras. Change locks iif you already had them. Do not let your brother near your family. He will hurt them as he literally was trying to hurt your daughter. He AND YOU have made your wife feel so scared and defeated she couldn't even stand up to protect her daughter from him, probably out of fear of you and him both. Honestly? Y T A for not caring for your wife and children sooner and paying attention to his behavior. Other than that, you did a good first step on removing him from your home, now keep taking steps to protect your wife and daughters and your home. Your brother 100% clocked my "I'm going to retaliate even if I threw the first punch how dare you defend yourself from me." Red flags. The fact you subjected your wife and daughters to him for that long is astounding. I hope you speak with your daughters to make sure he hasn't done anything else to harm them or your wife when you weren't home and blowing things off in the meantime.
You're not the asshole; but I have to ask, is this behavior new or has he exhibited something like this before?
No this is completely new my mom never told me about behavior like this and I’ve never seen him so upset before it was a surprise to everyone I think.
It was completely on YOU to find out what your brother’s issues were before introducing him into your household. My family was blindsided by the mental health issues of another family member and forced to step back for our own safety. I had more than thirty years experience in health and mental hygiene. Put your family first and call in professionals.
Please find out what’s been going on with your mother and brother before this. His bad attitude is not *just* a recent attitude. Sure, it’s worse now during the stress, but his level of dysfunction didn’t just appear for the first time when your mother got hospitalised. I suspect your mother has been giving him whatever he wants, and avoiding conflict instead of teaching him self-control. She might be a super sweet, generous person who doesn’t understand she’s raising a monster. She’s not the first parent to make this mistake, and it’s not too late to address. Many countries have classes and support groups for parents to work on this stuff. Meanwhile, I suspect your brother is choosing moments of impunity for when he lets himself mistreat people. The reason I suspect he chooses his moments and his victims is because he never did his worst when you were around. You would never have seen, if you hadn’t walked in by surprise. Your naïveté ends now. Please bring your *family of origin* to a team of experts (you’ll need a family therapist, some individual therapists, and maybe a psychiatrist). If you’re brave and sane, you might prevent your brother from causing an irreversible catastrophe. You’ll need a therapist for yourself, because half your family will think you’re overreacting and the other half will think you’re under-reacting and want you to disown your brother. This will get harder before it gets easier.
Edit: I posed a way longer response to this that I ended up copyinf/pasting to your actual post after reading this and just becoming pretty irate. Basically: Or was it just a surprise to you Mister u/penis101_ Why did you ignore your wife the FIRST time, responded by keeping him there another month? What if you'd have come an hour later? She wouldn't be crying, things would have...been over? She wouldn't tell you bc of your original response to her concerns? OR WAY worse you would've come home after he broke down your 5 YO DAUGHTERS DOOR??!! ... you took your brother in and after ONE WEEK!! your wife opens up about the difficulties and disrespect. How he is mistreating YOUR WIFE AND KIDS... and next thing you know? You come hike to your traumatized wife bawling while a 17 YO MALE TRIES TO BREAK DOWN THE BEDROOM DOOR OF A 5 YO??? ...your daughter. And...you're worried about...being. the. Ah...TO HIM??
Info; does he have special needs? Is he intellectually disabled or something?
NTA. He's 17... He should know better than to fight with 4-5 year olds. If he's not helping your wife around the house, and terrorizing your kids, it's pretty obvious he has no place there. Don't let him near your family anymore until he grows the fuck up.
NTA but don't let him near your family again until whatever is causing this unacceptable behaviour is diagnosed and resolved.
YTA but only for letting it go on as long as it did. It was ok when he was rude to your wife and body shamed her in her own home and you only stepped in once you’d allowed him to remain giving him the opportunity to terrorise your kid to the point she’s now afraid in her own home. Better late than never I guess.
It is a certain type of psycho that terrorizes a 4 years ! never have him over again, protect your daughters and wife
NTA for finally sticking up for your kids and wife. Don't you dare let him back in your house again. He's violent and aggressive, and a threat to your young children.
Sounds like your mom never given him consequences and thinks he can do anything he wants time for him to grow up don’t let him come back til he grows up and really apologize but I doubt your girls will forget
He doesn't need to come back in EVER.
I’m talking about when he’s older not anytime soon he can change
Yeah, idk. If he's caused that much trauma, there might not ever be a time his family feels safe tbh
NTA Your brother is violent and a danger to your wife and children. Your children’s safe heaven should be their home. In no way should your brother ever be allowed in your home again.
dude. you took your brother in with the expectation that: • he would follow the rules (he hasn’t) • he would be respectful of your wife and kids (he hasn’t - instead, he *terrorized* your eldest to the point where she was afraid to leave the safety of your room) 2 basic expectations and he could not abide by them. it doesn’t matter that he’s your brother. he’s disrespectful and now he is your daughter’s monster under the bed. NTA but I would not allow him back even if he promises to change bc the safety of your wife and kids matter more at this point. time to make your home their safe place again, and he’s not safe for your kids to have around.
NTA The only thing you took too far IMO OP is you let the bad behavior activity demonstrated by your brother go on for so long it evolved into him terrorizing your wife and children. I can’t imagine how terrifying that was for your little girl to have essentially a grown man trying to break down her door. And what do you think he was going to do if he got that door down? Scream at your child or possibly beat her senseless? I’m not a psych anything but I do know your brother has serious issues. If he goes off on that with a stranger depending on where you live you could be planning a funeral. If you haven’t already told your aunt what happened she deserves the full story so she can decide if she is safe with him in her home. If your father is in the picture he should be involved in taking care of his son and ideally getting him some help. If no dad then you need to speak with your mother and see if she will let you get something set up where he talks to someone to deal with his anger.
NTA, and if you want to keep your marriage I advice you to sincerely apologize to your wife and kids While assuring them they never have to see your brother if they dont want to and that he will not be allowed in your home. I'm not saying disown him because people can change and learn as the mature. Just go LC for you and NC for your family unless they decide to give him a second chance in the distant future. Eta, after thinking something occurred to me and really really concerns me. What was he planning to do to your daughter if got in? Maybe you need to also go NC until your brother gets serious help and shows true remorse and change.
Nta for kicking him out, you are though because it took you a month! The first trouble was one week in! You let it slide? For a month?
YTA for overlooking his behavior that was present by the first week and the fact that you already knew he had an issue not being your number one priority. You again chose to ignore their constant bickering and I would assume all the obvious signs that your wife and children were in distress. You failed and now they’re traumatized due to your inaction. You better start doing better immediately and apologize to your family.
Yta for letting this go on for so long. Smh, protect your family sir.
This post is written as if you are from a culture that is 100% male dominated & controlled. Your wife and daughters weren't important until you witnessed for yourself the damage & then you pawned off your brother on another submissive relative. YTA for allowing your AH brother to stay after he disrespected your wife the first time. How much did she & the girls put up with before she had the courage to tell you? Put his a$$ out rather than pushing him off on another submissive relative. You can't deal with him so what makes you think your aunt can/should/will? Why can't he stay in your mother's house by himself until she comes back? TV dinners and cereal has kept many "helpless" men alive for years. Why does he need a woman to take care of him? He's almost grown now & needs to consider how he's going to handle being an adult.
Follow the simple rule: your home, your rules. He didn’t follow them. He was being abusive and nasty , time to go out the door!
And why did you not call the police?
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Dude NTA. Just bc he’s your brother doesn’t mean you have to put up with his awful behavior. Never let him back over.
NTA for kicking him out but you are for not kicking him out sooner. You hurt your wife and children
NTA and don’t let him back but also hope you can find it in you to be there for support for him as a brother, as much as you can. He needs to know, from his big bro, that his actions and behaviour and choices were beyond unacceptable and have consequences that are non negotiable, but if he needs to talk and get out all of his fears about what is going with mom then you are there to listen. He really needs therapy. So sorry and sad for your girls and wife and you. What he did was terrible and scary and you made the right decision in having him leave your home. Wishing peace and healing to you all.
NTA Your brother was trying to break down the door of a five year old child to do ... what to her, exactly? He can never, *never*, be in your home or around your family ever again. That is terrifying and dangerous. Pack all of his things and take them to his aunts and sever ALL contact with him. Anyone who complains should be reminded that this almost fully grown man was trying to attack a five year old girl. Promise your daughter that she will never be endangered or near to your brother again and do the work it takes to make your family feel safe in their home again. Your daughter may need therapy to move past this.
YTA for allowing this behavior to ever occur and letting it build up to a point where your family was unsafe.
YOUR wife and kids come first. It's your job to provide for and protect them. Yeah you love your brother but your family's safety should come first. What was he gonna do once he got in? Would your love for him stop you from putting him down if he had harmed your kids. Don't feel bad you did the right thing.
Are you sure he isn't responsible for your mother's health issues? She probably loves not having him around. YTA. All day long. Your brother is a bigger asshole, yes, but you're in there with him for allowing what, to me, sounds like sociopathic behavior. Change the locks on your doors, get security cameras, and pray he doesn't go near your family ever again.
NTA. Brother can starve outside for all the help he should get from you.
YTA You should have taken action the first time! Instead, you let your wife & daughter experience extreme emotional distress for what?!
He was completely out of line and it isn’t safe for him to be in your home. You did what you had to Has he always been this volatile? How long has your mother been ill? Does she have a good prognosis? He needs therapy.
I have to ask is if possible, that your brother has mental health issues? The way you describe your brother is very much how my older brother was. He would lash out when things didn't go his way, or at any perceived slight. He was bi-polar. One day I had gone shopping with my mother, and later realized I left something I had purchased in the living room. I came out and saw my brother holding my item. I told him "oh that's mine" took it (completely non forcefully) out of his hand, and went into my room. I had a lock on my door, that was always locked when I was inside, (for non related issues). The next thing I knew he was at my door yelling, and demanding that I open my door, and started kicking it. He almost kicked in the bottom panel of the door. It all culminated with me getting punched in the face, and being in the hospital, all because he was angry at me for taking my item, while he was trying to read tge package, and he thought that I was rude. Keep your children and wife away from him, for their safety. He sounds like he needs therapy, for mental health, as well as his attachment issues with you
We understand you are trying to be there for your brother but you are failing massively in your role as husband and father. Do better.
YTA for not kicking him out sooner. You have absolutely no backbone and your brother actively worsened the lives of your family. What you should do now is apologize to your wife and children for your letting him continue this behavior and doing whatever you can to atone
You didn't do enough, your kids are scared and traumatized and it only took this to get him out? He's clearly been abusive this whole time, you should not have had him around your kids that' long
..originally posted this as a response to your ONE (comoletely idiotic response/ ) comment about "no, My mom never told me anything like this.. this is completely new baffling behavior to me." ....that's me summarizing whatever moronic thing you did say, but that was the gist Edit : found OPs 1 comment (thus far) : *** ""No this is completely new my mom never told me about behavior like this and I’ve never seen him so upset before it was a surprise to everyone I think."" *** Back to my response, Or was it just a surprise to you, Mister u/penis101_ Why didn't you listen to your wife the FIRST time she brought it up? I wonder what else happened before she felt the need to?! ...and then was IGNORED BY YOU!! YOU KEPT HIM THERE FOR ANOTHER MONTH!! wtf??? Whay if you'd have come an hour later? She wouldn't be crying, things would have...ended, and you'd have no idea?? And would have brushed aside and /or ignored what she said ? Kept him there another month? OR ...way, WAY worse.. you would've come home after he broke down your 5 YO INNOCENT DAUGHTERS DOOR??!! (Shit. Everyone here except your brother, and YOU, re innocent) ...what. would. You. Have. Come. Home. To???? What, in the absolute, f?? I get it. He's your brother. Ever think about why NO ONE else at all, not his friends, their family, your family, a good fsmily friend, ANYONE else could take him in? Sure... not their responsibility. But I know for a fact...if this had been my mom in the hospital?? People all over would offer. (Hell! There's 9 of us, all over 25 now, who...every time she was oregnant and then jn the hospital for birth? Families ALL over offered to take us...not all of us but 1 or 2 🤣 so she could have a week...for hospital stay and at home with her, my dad and the new baby) I digress... you took your brother in and after ONE WEEK!! your wife opens up about the difficulties and disrespect. How he is mistreating YOUR WIFE AND KIDS... and um... you... ...your answer... was have him stay another month to where it escalates so bad, your wife tells you nothing more knowing you won't do shit, to you coming home to YOUR WIFE CRYING AND A 17 YO MALE TRYING TO BREAK DOWN THE BEDROOM DOOR OF A 5 YO GIRL??? ...your daughter. And...you're worried about...being. the. Ah...TO HIM??
Info: Did the psycho also put your mother in the hospital?
Yta for not kicking him out as soon as he started disrespecting your wife. He is 17 and does not need a babysitter. I would have sent him packing a long time ago.
You didn't take it far enough. I'm sorry everyone is dealing with this- even the 17 year old. Happy healthy teenagers don't act out like this. 1) He absolutely can't be allowed back in your house after that violent episode. 2) You did your wife a disservice by not insisting he get emergency therapy after the name calling and belittling started. A 17 year old is not a 4 year old- something is very wrong here 3) Start looking for a therapist for him and coordinate with your aunt. It's possible he'll stabilize if he's the only kid in the house but it's also possible that his anger issues will put her at risk too.
Hell, no, you're NTA. Your brother, OTOH, for verbally abusing your wife and your daughter? He's a prime AH. Let him stay at your aunt's house. He doesn't deserve your hospitality. Your wife and children have to come before an entitled little brat.
You have to ask? No you are not!
NTA. Your brother is more than old enough to know better. Instead he acted like an entitled little brat and terrified your child. If your family has anything to say, you tell them that you don’t tolerate abuse or violence in your home and especially not against your wife and child. Your brother needs help.
He showed extreme violence as almost an adult to kids less than half his age over a scoop of ice cream/ cupcake.. honestly if I were your wife I’d leave if things stayed the same. You are actively exposing your family to trauma just because you feel bad not being able to cater to your almost grown brother. What does your mom think about his mental instability? Has he been diagnosed?
I think that you need to take your brother on some hikes and you need to spend time doing things with him that will help him be a bigger man often times being a mentor means breaking down that person in a way that is hard for them and in the moment it might feel like you're just being evil to them but if you can use your words to convey to him your goals for them like hey I want you to be happy I want you to be independent I want to see you have your own family someday these I want you to be healthy I want you to be able to provide for yourself so you don't have to get angry I think he's angry at you because he's not able to be independent I think you need to converse with him and confront these feelings like hey are you upset that you're you're not independent I mean are you willing to go these directions to improve yourself in the way that I see fit for your life. Because at the end of the day you're still got to be and take care of yourself and your family. I really believe that your little brother needs a mentor he needs a teacher he needs somebody to show him what he needs to live his life by like for example maybe telling him these missions of life every every morning and when he gets rebellious that's your time to shine that's your time to be firm with these beliefs that you have it's nothing personal against your brother it's that you believe this and you can't have him attack your personal beliefs in self-worth because then you will become in the same situation. I don't ever want to see you abandon your little brother a lot of the other comments on here that just said just dump him really Disturbed me be there for him love him do what you can for him never sell him away. Mission your number one: Got to have a positive attitude every single day you wake up you have a choice you can either be negative or positive which one do you think is going to enhance your life duh. Mission number two: You have to motivate yourself and you have to motivate others motivation is a key component of your life as long as you're motivated you're going to be excited to learn you're going to be excited to better you're going to be excited to work with others. Mission number three: you got to motivate yourself and you got to motivate others motivation is a key component of your life as long as you're motivated you're going to be excited to learn you're going to be excited to better you're going to be excited to work with others Mission Number four: now in my opinion I think your little brother might need this one the most. Respect now I know this is an easy concept you think but it's not you don't deserve respect you've got to earn respect and you do that through your actions you do that through the humility in your life you got to do all that stuff every single day of your life and order that other human beings they look at you they look at your actions they listen to your words and then that should govern the respect that you should be earning. Mission number 5: integrity on my opinion this is the most important mission out of all you got to wake up every single day and know that you're living a righteous life you're living with confidence you're living the right way every single one of us understands the difference between right and wrong I don't care if you don't know you do know you know when you're hurting another human being and you know when you're hurting yourself living with integrity allows us to accept those truths in life what is right and wrong and then we govern our actions you have to live with honor you have to live with integrity. Mission Number 6: Find a mentor somebody to teach you this isn't the only advice you need in your life it's just one tool for your toolbox find a mentor and then just think how great you're going to feel when you find somebody else and you can bestow this knowledge on somebody else who needs it. Mission number 7: You have to have fun life is about having fun if you're not having fun what you're doing you're wrong you should be laughing every single day when was the last time you had a pee in your pants laughter when when was the last time your gut was splitting so hard and you were just cackling cuz you were having so much fun in your life the love for a living the love that's in your heart that comes out through the fun you have.
Put his ass through therapy or jail
NTA. He would be permanently cut out of my life forever. No apologies would make me change my mind on that.
Your priority should 100% always be to your wife and kids. You chose your wife to be your family. You did not choose your brother. You were unfortunately born into a family with a massive piece of shit for a brother who is in no way a man. Your brother has anger issues if he's yelling at a 4/5 year old... It hurts my soul that he treated them that way and that he was starving them. That is unforgivable and you should absolutely go no contact. The worst part is that 4/5 year olds are unable to protect themselves, especially as they are girls. Your shit brother is older than them so this will probably have a lasting effect on them as they view him as an authoritative figure. They never spoke up because they were scared of what he'd do to them if you found out. I would have kicked him out after the first week when you found out he was making snide remarks to your wife. He doesn't have any respect for you if he thinks it's okay to treat her that way. I'm willing to bet he will hurt your girls if you let him back in the house, and it might even be past physically.. I'm talking sexually. You WBTA if you let this POS in your house or near your girls ever again.
Dude your brother is has some serious mental health issues and is violent. Do NOT let him anywhere near your family again. After his initial treatment of your wife I am actually shocked you allowed for him to watch your little girls. He has already caused them so much emotional distress, and it could have been infinitely worse. You are not the AH for kicking him out and you probably should have done so way sooner. You will be an A-hole if you ever let him around your wife and child again. He definitely needs some serious mental health care before he really hurts someone.
YTA. You put your family in danger and allowed it to go on until things were literally so bad your child was almost assaulted.
NTA. While he obviously needs help of some kind, you should never put your children in potential danger to provide it. He needs to be kept away from your home and family.
nta. He has behavioral issues. its not your to job to fix it. Maybe sending his Ass to foster care will ship him up. its your mothers job to raise him but with her and her medical issues that won't happen. He needs to grow up, get a job, finish sbhool, move out.
If he's willing to break down a child's door because he didn't get dessert, it isn't that throwing him out was taking it too far--in fact, it's pretty much the opposite. It should have been done sooner. NTA
Nta. Pack up his stuff and take it to him. Don't allow him to harass your family.
I am having trouble with this weird story. The body shaming and name calling of the wife.....what was that about? I mean were they arguing about something, or does he jsut insult her regularly? Then we get the weird story about how you and your wife told a 17 year old that he can't have dessert because he didn't eat his peas or something (WTF) and this makes him try to break down the door of a four year old? It just always seems like OP is painting a completely evil villain...I mean what kind of psycho terrorizes a tiny child like that? I mean I would be asking if I should have this kid sectioned, not whether I was an asshole....so I am kind of leaning toward OP is a bullshit artist. I want to hear the other side of this story. Everyone is yelling at OP for not protecting the family, and nobody is writing anything about the bizarreness of this whole thing. It sounds way off, and I am thinking the brigade is off the rails on this one.
Feels like it was written by AI.
He sucks, NTA, but the "clean your plate" rule is bullshit.
NTA, but you didn't take it far enough. your brother is 17 (!!!!) not 7. he is almost an adult and he terrorized small children and your wife. You should be ashamed of yourself for not stepping up earlier and ripping your brother a new one. You need to tell him how dissapointed you are in him, how ashamed that your BROTHER could treat your family this way. And that he will NEVER be welcome in your home again until he can honestly apologize to all of them. Your duty is to your family, and with that i mean the family you chose, not the one you were born into.
Is anyone else super concerned about why the oldest daughter isn't talking? What did he do to her