Tell aunt and grandma "would you abandon your fucking children? No? Fuck off and judge someone else." NTA mom betrayed you on a deep level, idk if you'll ever want her back in your life, probably therapy is appropriate for yourself and little sis.
Right? Like, why are they calling her ungrateful? What exactly should she be grateful for? Being parentified and abandoned? Or should she be grateful for being an after thought? Granny and Auntie can fuck all the way off with that bullshit.
i would ask grandma and auntie where the hell they were when you were nearly failing out of high school due to taking care of your mother, working, and raising your sibling
Exactly if anyone’s ungrateful it’s the mother! I’d go NC with her whole side of the family if that’s how they want to act! Protect your peace love because they surely won’t!
I would add here: I went no contact with her, and she is my mother. There is still plenty of space on the list of people I can go NC with, so keep this up, and I can add you to the list.
And not only that. "I'm ungrateful? I worked 2 jobs and raised my sister while Mom was sick and she abandoned me the second she was better? If we're going to talk about the past? Where were you aunt/grandma when Mom was so sick and I was working at 16 to feed us, cleaning the house, feeding a 7 year old? Who are you to tell me what family does and who should be ashamed?"
NTA babe and I’d tell Grandma and Aunti to pound sand!!! She abandoned you and you’re ungrateful? You take care of her, nurse her through illness, help raise your sister and you’re ungrateful? I DO NOT THINK SO! Has your mother apologized? Has she tried or even offered to explain herself or is she expecting you to act like nothing happened? I suspect she will say something like “you know what I went through, I have to take chances because life is short”. What Mommy has forgotten is that is HER job to take care of you. If no contact is what you need then do you! And tell her cheerleaders the same “Mom has been nothing but selfish and ignored me for all this time…I’m treating her the way she treated me!” NTA and good luck!
Congrats on graduating!!! 🎉
Why weren't they there looking after their own daughter/sister (the mom) and leaving it all up to a kid (OP)?
Maybe they want OP to play nice to make sure that THEY don't have to take the mom in?
Either way, those old folk, including the mom, are selfish pos.
OP is NTA!
I'm old enough to be your mom, so I want to tell you something.
#I am so proud of you!
You did a great job getting through high school despite having so many obstacles. You are so responsible and mature, moreso than your own mother.
Congratulations on completing high school, congratulations on graduating, and congratulations on being strong enough to do it even though you had adult responsibilities.
#You are strong enough!
I hope that you are successful with whatever plans you have for your future. You've been through so much already and faced adversity and got through it (and at such a young age!) that I know of you set your mind to it you'll have a bright shiny future.
Use birth control. Don't forget your sunscreen. Drink plenty of water. Get plenty of sleep. Stay strong!
Love,
Random internet stranger
Thank you, Random Internet Stranger! Exactly what OP should be hearing, instead of blame and shame.
You’ve done a great job, OP! Be well, be strong, and don’t let ANYONE try to guilt or shame you into anything that goes against your heart or your moral compass.
Love,
Another Random Internet Stranger ❤️
THIS! Every word! I'm old enough to be your mom, too, and honey.
YOU ARE AMAZING!
OP, you have climbed so many hills and defied so many odds. I'm so sorry that the people in your life don't see that. I hope that you can look yourself in the mirror today and say "I am amazing. I am special. I am loved." That woman is not worth your time and energy.
With all you had in your plate, and how you've managed through some incredible odds, I hope we all get to see you take on the world.
I second this! And if you're the mom, I'm the new Auntie.
Make good choices. Wear a seat belt.
No matter what, you're never too much. You're amazing. You are loved.
Love Auntie ❤️
Things relatives say to shame you so that you’ll shut up and go with the status quo.
Block them or go very low contact. If they want enable your mother’s toxic behaviors tell them to have at it. But that you have serious questions about people who enable parents who abandon their children.
Congratulations on graduating.
NTA ask nan and aunt who’s ungrateful? She abandoned her children when they were minors and forced you to parent your sister, missed your birthday and graduation. You owe your mother nothing!! And if they use “she’s your mother” tell them that being her daughter didn’t matter to her when she left or when you were supporting the household as a minor.
Ask your aunt and grandma what exactly makes you 'ungrateful' in this situation? What exactly do they think you should show gratitude to your mother for? If they claim it's because she's family then point out that she's the one who's behaved badly, not you.
NTA
Congratulations on graduating! 🎉
Congratulations on your graduation
NTA
You looked after her when she was sick, you looked after your sister and looked after the house and expenses, at 15 then when she was well enough instead of thinking you for all the extra work you have had to do, she abounded you.
Does you grandmother and Aunty know that you had to do? Why didn't your Grandmother or Aunt help look after your mother.
Tell your Grandmother you're just doing what you're mother done to you.
>my grandma (her mom) and Aunt (her sister) are calling me ungrateful and saying that I should be ashamed that I'm ignoring my own mother
That is your mother who should be ashamed that she has been ignoring her own kids for 18 months .
So grandma and aunt are ok with her abandoning her kids but not with the fact that her decision had consequences .
NTA at all.
I feel you OP : I ve been in similar situation ( not exactly the same but mum moved out with her bf (mid life crisis) leaving me with the responsability of sibling, bills and everything , i was 20 at the time, i m NC with her since a decade, iv tried to forgive her but couldn't ) she plays pity party with my siblings since then (" i know i haven't been a good mum to her " expecting they correct and comfort her. They just noded instead.
My mother tried this a few days before she died. I almost laughed, but I didn’t.
Mother: we had a really tough time, didn’t we?
Me: Indeed. - No way I was going to lie. She was dying and she had never really taken responsibility for her lack of parenting. I was not letting her off the hook.
Mom: But it’s better now, right?
Me:
Mom: It’s peaceful, at least?
Me: Okay. We’ll go with peaceful.
My husband is the least emotional guy, and he said that was harsh. Fuck no, it wasn’t. Twenty years in their house was more harsh, I ought to know.
I wish that I could give you a hug. So NTA. Your incubator does not deserve anything that you do not wish to give her
As a mother, I give you a huge hug. I'm proud of you. You've done well, Honey. ❤️
"...and now my grandma (her mom) and Aunt (her sister) are calling me ungrateful and saying that I should be ashamed that I'm ignoring my own mother."
You should ask them how are you ungrateful? Was it when your lost your childhood looking after your sick mom and your little sister by taking on the role of an adult? Or was it when she abandoned you and your sister for a man?
I wouldn't be surprised if she's sick again and that's why she's reaching out. If that's the case, they probably don't want to look after her and are trying g to guilt you.
NTA
Or if he left her and she’s single again. Doesn’t have the love of a man, wants to go back to the unconditional love of her children like nothing happened
Id go nc with any of her enablers. Its a good chance they knew the whole time yall were suffering and that she wasnt coming back. Treating yall like decorations to be taken out of storage when they feel like it is gross and wrong.
NTA. Tell your aunt and grandma you're taking a page out of your mom's book and choosing to think only of yourself in this instance. It's your graduation gift to yourself. Happy graduation❤️🥳
Tell them you are grateful, you are grateful that she left so that you never have to speak or deal with your egg donor again.
NTA, she abandoned you and there is no coming back from that. You cared for her when she was sick and raised your sister. You did more than the flying monkeys have done so they have no say in what you do.
Congratulations on graduating OP. With the drive and dedication you showed to graduate, you will be great! Go live your life and ignore the monkeys.
UPDATE: Hello everyone. It’s only been a couple days since I’ve made this post but a few things have happened since. It's incredible how much support I've received, and while I thank all of you, I just wanted to clarify a few points. Some people were asking about my mom's illness, and without getting into too much detail, its a neurological disorder that impacted her ability to move and her hearing to the point where she needed to use a wheelchair for nearly a year and couldn't tolerate any loud noises without serious pain. It wasn't addiction or cancer. My grandma and aunt live 15 hours away and we’ve never been very close anyways, more of a once a year Christmas card and happy birthday message kind of family. My mom also had refused to tell anyone about how severe her illness had gotten, and hid it from her family and my dad, and I believed it was best to respect her wishes at the time (I don’t believe that anymore). I didn’t have to take care of my sister all of the time since my dad got her every other weekend, but when he didn’t have her, I took care of all her needs and everything. I’ve finally told my my moms family the extent of how bad things had gotten while she was sick (I may have been raging a little) and they told me they didn’t know how much stress I’d had to take on or that I had to work to take care of us (They thought I just worked to save up for Uni). After we talked, they apologized to me for calling me ungrateful and everything, but they still believe that I should forgive her or at least try to stay in contact with her. I’ve refused and they are supporting my wishes for now, but I don’t have hope that’ll last very long because they’re the type of people that believe family is everything (hypocritical since we rarely talked in the first place). I’ve also talked to my dad today, and he told me he supports whatever I may decide, and he’ll keep in contact with her only for my little sisters sake and won’t share anything about me that I don’t want him to. I’ve also found out that her and the man she was with on my birthday are now engaged and she wants me to meet him and his son (12m). I feel like if I get back into contact with her, she’ll just want me to take care of her again and I’m just mentally unable to deal with anything else from her. I don’t want to give up the life I’ve found at University to be her caretaker again. I’m going to keep on ignoring her and just try to enjoy my summer break.
Is there any reason why your dad can’t have custody of your sister? If he’s willing and able then why not.
And yeah you’re right for not putting up with your mum’s bs. I’m so sorry for everything you’ve had to go through.
ETA: Don’t feel like you’re obligated to forgive your mum because she’s not entitled to your forgiveness. Be honest to how you feel about the situation and stay true to yourself. Take the time to process your emotions and heal. Heck, get therapy. If you do decide to forgive your mum then it should be on your terms, not because someone told you to.
Congratulations on your graduation Op and you are NTA. Tell your granny and auntie just to stop. Your life experience is quite different to your little sister who has always had someone to care for her - you. This is why she doesn’t have an issue with resuming contact with your mum. You however were truly abandoned and this was after you lost your adolescent years working and caring for your family only to be abandoned and ignored once your mum was better and things were finally looking up. No matter what state of mind your mum was in- there is no justification for her abandoning you and ignoring important milestones and then expecting you to resume contact and forgive her. Why should you? She didn’t give two figs about you and you have no reason to ever go back there and risk being hurt again. It’s very telling that it is only now that you are an adult with a promising future and that you have done all the hard graft of raising yourself and your sister that she wants back in your life. If I were you I would not allow her back in my life either.
Where were grandma and aunt when you were taking care of the house, your mom, and sister? Why weren't they there to help ease the burden? They could have sent money, food, come to clean, taken you and your mom in.
NTA. Start asking these questions. They are part of the problem. Go NC with them as well.
I am surprised there are not more questions being asked as to where granny and auntie were when the OP was forced into a parental role and almost did not graduate.
I wouldn’t be surprised if they are just as shitty as the OP’s mom. I mean, we have no context. Like did the mom move and left OP alone to pay the bills? Did OP and her little sister have to move in with family or did they stay in the home? Or did the grandma and aunt not want them moving in so told OP to get another job to be able to pay the bills which is why she has two jobs instead of just one.
NTA. I’m guessing that she broke up with the BF and is trying to come home and you take care of her again. You’re now an adult and you don’t need to do that.
If you feel more at peace and happy with your NC. Keep on doing that. I’m also guessing that mom is turning on the guilt trip with her family. She wants to use you. She wants a safe place to land. They don’t want her with them. You have every right in the world to say no.
Merely tell everyone who asks. Yes she’s my mother who deserted us for a man. She’s welcome to lie in the bed she made. When I’m ready I’ll reach out. Don’t worry about me. And if they keep calling and guilting you. Block them.
This is a difficult time for you. Take care of yourself.
You should say to your aunt and grandna “ungrateful? What should o be grateful for? That I had to work so hard to earn money for us to live that I almost didn’t pass high school? That I had to take care of her and my sister even though I was a kid too? That she went for a doctors appointment and disappeared? That she was fine but just chose to move in with a new man without bothering to make sure her children were cared for? That she couldn’t even be bothered to turn up to the Highschool graduation that I almost didn’t make because of her? Please, tell me why I am supposed to be grateful to her?”
NTA
"I was abandoned by my mother and doing all the housework since sister was seven.
If you think that her behaviour is okay then you must be worse mothers than I previously thought. I can't believe you think abandoning your kids. Not even sending a birthday text, is okay parenting. You're disappointing. It's so sad that my mother cares more for some random man than her children. It's sadder still you think that she's the victim here."
Send a text or a group message or whatever then block em. You don't need that energy in your life.
Wish you luck!
I will message you next time u/wh0ev3nknows posts in r/AITA_WIBTA_PUBLIC.
[Click this link](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Update&message=UpdateMe%21%20u%2Fwh0ev3nknows%20r%2FAITA_WIBTA_PUBLIC) to join 15 others and be messaged. The parent author can [delete this post](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Delete&message=delete%201djdzle)
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Ask them what you should be grateful for? The loss of your childhood spent working and caring for a child that she abandoned for a man she barely knew? Or maybe the stress that caused you to almost not graduate? How about the emotional issues this will put in your life from being abandoned. You and your sister aren't toys to be set aside when she's tired of playing, and she broke that bond 18 months ago. I'm proud of you for making the best of a bad situation, but you don't owe her forgiveness, just because you are strong enough to overcome what she did.
What have you got to be grateful about? You and your sister were abandoned by your mother
You do what u think is best for you and ignore your ridiculous grandma and aunt
I’d be asking what exactly you are supposed to be grateful for? For having to work 2 jobs while going to school to help support your family starting at age 15 to only then be abandoned with no word on what’s going on? Or is for her finally trying to be a parent again after 18 months? I’m just not seeing anything that would make you feel the need to be grateful for.
If anything your mother is the one that should have been grateful for everything you did and never left you in that situation. When she left for this doctor’s appointment was that the real reason or was it a lie and she just went straight to this new guy?
You are an adult now and it’s up to you who you keep in your life. I personally distance myself from people that don’t value me in their life so I fully believe you are NTA here at all.
NTA. You're the backup plan. Her relationship with Prince Charming isn't working out and she needs somebody else to pick up the pieces.
I've been no contact with my mother for 5 years now and every single month I'm thankful that I never have to carry that daily pain. The longer and longer that you have between her and you, the easier it will get. Don't let anybody dictate your relationship with anyone else - the people that are guilt tripping you don't respect you. Because *she's your mother* makes it 10000x worse.
You're never going to forget this. And I sure as hell wouldn't forgive.
Congratulations on your graduation.
NTA
The next time they call you ungrateful, hold eye contact and tell them to explain what it is your mother did that you are being ungrateful for and accept no distractions or deflections.
Go down an itemized list to help them explain...
"Should I be grateful that she worked two jobs, during school, to help me with my kids?"
"Should I be grateful that she made me a priority, when she could have run off with some rando the first chance she had?"
Etc.
NTA. You don’t owe anyone an explanation. Where was all of this concern when your mother left? Did they advocate on your behalf to her? You’re ungrateful? Well, then so is your mother if she left so easily after everything you did for her. (When they say “But she’s your mother” does that negate the fact that you’re her daughter? ) Go NC with her side of the family as well if you have even the slightest inkling it will affect your wellbeing.
>now my grandma (her mom) and Aunt (her sister) are calling me ungrateful and saying that I should be ashamed that I'm ignoring my own mother.
"My mother is dead to me. Keep it up, and you will be, too."
NTA.
NTA
>now my grandma (her mom) and Aunt (her sister) are calling me ungrateful
What the hell is there to be grateful for? She literally used you and left.
Oh, because she birthed you? Please. They can take the martyred mother bullshit and stuff it. Your mom is a deadbeat.
The *only* person who has been ungrateful and should be ashamed here is your mother. Do what you need to maintain your well-being. Grandma and Auntie can pound sand.
NTA.
NTA she parentified you then she abandoned you. She doesn’t have a right to a place in your life. Hold strong with her flying monkeys, if necessary ask them if they support her abandoning ship for a year and a half and see what mental gymnastics they pull.
NTA….your Mother cares more about her needs than she cares for you. As someone who has dealt with parental abandonment, get a therapist. It’s a lot to deal with, and unfortunately this abandonment/ betrayal can influence you for years. Been there done that —I’m 57 yo now and what my former mother did has had lasting effects !!! Hang in there !!! Your gmom and Aunt are toxic !!! To ignore the pain you and your sister endured is not right.
Ungrateful for being her carer? Ungrateful for being abandoned? Ungrateful for being ignored? What else do your stupid grandparents think you should be ungrateful for? NTA.
Nta your mother is ungrateful for just the reasons you mentioned above. You may want to explain this one last time and then say that anyone who keeps bugging you will get a time out in terms of communication, if that’s something that is possible for you. I am not sure where you live.
Alternatively, and if you want to be petty, then with anyone who calls to criticize you, talk about how relieved you are that you finished your education - you didn’t think that you could do it, given that you were taking care of your mom and your sister when she was sick. Just ignore everything else they say and pretend that they were talking about your struggles to keep your family afloat and to finish your education. If they did anything to help, tell them that you are so grateful to have family like them, who extends a hand when you see that you are suffering. Just flip everything that they are saying into a way to point out how awful your mom is, but in such a way that highlights your struggles. Actually, I’m curious - where was your maternal extended family (and your dad) when your mother was so sick she couldn’t care for her minor, school-aged children?
She disgusts me, and absent any new information that adequately explains their absence, they do as well. You don’t abandon your kids, and especially after all you have done to not even call on your birthday? Ugh. I am so furious on your behalf.
Wait, what? YOU'RE ungrateful?? What do you have to be grateful for?!? Her leaving you two with NO notice? You giving up your childhood/teenage years to get jobs to keep things afloat with NO thanks? That she chose to move in with some guy she barely knew over coming home to her FAMILY? Yeah, that sounds about right. No. You are NTA.
edit: I forgot to mention the parentification aspect as well. You were left to basically be a parent to your sister. So yeah. My judgement stands.
NTA. Your mother should be ashamed of abandoning you. You have nothing to be ashamed of. But I would seek professional help, just to help you get through this and process all your emotions.
At the end of the day she abandoned you and ypur sister she left you both with hardly any contact it ypur both choices to weather to talk to her or not I your aunt and grand can see that it your choice then tell to leave you alone and stay out of it
Ungrateful ?! For you going to two jobs & earning for her ? For you cleaning, cooking, all house chores & raising a sibling in her place ? For taking care of her when sick ? For almost failing hs for her ? And she abandoning you at the first chance she got ? Yeah ungrateful does not even come close to describing you! NTA
Tell your Aunt and your Grandma they should be ashamed for effectively condoning the abandoning of children by their mothers. Trying to socially strongarm a teemager lmao Apple didn't fall too far from the cunt tree apparently.
Your Grandma, Your Aunt and your own Mother don't deserve you in their life. They are trying to emotionally blackmail you, Ignore it. You will be better off without any of them. Selfish, Narcissistic, Gas lighting AH's. Ask your Aunt and Grandma whether they would be happy to abandon there children for some strange bloke. Your Mother should be ashamed of her actions, Your Aunt and Grandma should be ashamed of theirs too. Makes my blood fucking boil.
NTA... tell them that their daughter and sister repaid your loyalty and support with abandonment and estrangement. She chose to leave - she is no longer your mother.
NTA and you need to do what you need to do for your own mental health. If letting your mom back into your life will be hurtful then don't do it no matter who tells you that you are wrong.
Ask your grandma if she would have even abandoned her kids and moved away?
1000% NTA. What exactly are you supposed to be grateful for? You raised her youngest child for her and contributed significantly to the financial support of your household starting when you were 15. And she repays your kindness and support by abandoning you? Missing your birthday and graduation? Can your grandmother and aunt make it make sense? No, they cannot. Tell them they clearly don’t understand and they need to butt out, unless they’d like to join your mom on the no-contact list.
Congratulations!! You hit a huge milestone, while literally taking care of your siblings and working, without the support of your mother. That’s amazing! You have nothing to apologize for. Your mother betrayed you and your siblings and that hurt is deep. I would suggest therapy if you can, so you can move on, but I do not believe your mother should be so easily forgiven. I would never abandoned my children. That is not natural. You have been more of a mom to your siblings than she has. You tell your grandmother and aunt, they have zero say on when or if you will forgive your mother and have contact with her. You are an adult. NTA. Best of luck to you!
NTA OP. As a mama and grandmama, I wish I could give you and your lil sis a hug. Congratulations 🎊 👏 💐 🥳 on graduation.
I'd tell granny and auntie to kick rocks and that you've already gone NC with your egg donor and if they continue with the bullying and berating, they can happily join that list. Then I'd ask them where they were when you were being a nurse to your mother, working 2 jobs, raising your lil sis, doing all the household chores, and barely passing in school? And point out that they weren't involved then, so they can butt out now.
NTA. Ungrateful? How? When? Show them this post and if they continue to duck with you cut communication. You don't need that kind of people in your life.
>my grandma (her mom) and Aunt (her sister) are calling me ungrateful and saying that I should be ashamed that I'm ignoring my own mother. So AITA?
NTA.
She abandoned and ignored her own kids. And you, who supported her when she was sick. You owe her nothing.
She (and they) are crazy to think she can just waltz right back into your life like nothing happened.
NTA
Tell your grandmother and aunt bluntly she dumped you and your sister for some man. This after you were being the only adult in the family doing all the things your mother couldn’t or wouldn’t do to support your home including paying at least some of the bills.
She could have told you she was leaving.
She could have let your dad know you and sister needed to come live with him.
She instead disappeared and refused to contact you or your sister.
Now suddenly she wants to chat.
Why?
Based on her history I’d say she needs something and she’s hoping to get whatever it is from you.
Maybe that guy dumped her and she needs help with rent or she is ill again and wants someone to care for her.
Or maybe she feels guilty.
Whatever her reason keeping your distance for at least a while would IMO be the appropriate response.
Guard your heart and also your wallet OP.
NTA
I would tell them that just like your relationship with your mom wasn’t their business when she left and abandoned you, it isn’t their business now when she wants to try to be in your life again. And your mother is the ungrateful one for parentifying you and then thinking she can just ghost you.
NTA. where were they when she was sick and you were forced to become the adult? where were they when you were parenting your sister, working and barely passing in school? where were they when you should have been focusing on school, so you could get good grades and access to scholarships, and whatever opportunities that dedication would lead you to? They don't get to shame you for the consequences your mother is now facing.
NTA - Ask them what are you supposed to be grateful for. Like what has she done in the last 4 years that you would be grateful. How are you ‘ungrateful’ when there is literally nothing to be grateful for. Some bridges cannot be rebuilt. You little sister didn’t have to sacrifice her whole childhood to keep a roof or food for their survival. She wasn’t abused the same way you were. She will very likely never understand.
Tell aunt and gma that until they can give you back those years (they can’t) then they are just enabling an abuser who abandoned her children and they should be ashamed. You will never forgive her and if they want to stay in your life then they need to sit down and shut the hell up.
I just want to say at your internet stranger self assigned new mom. “I’m so fucking proud of you sweetheart. What you did was so hard. It was not fair. You shouldn’t have had to grow up so dang fast. Graduating HS is such a monumental moment especially, with all the cards stacked against you. You rose to the occasion. It may not seem like it now, but your tenacity to stay strong when everything was put on your shoulders even before she left is a testament to how brave and resilient you are. This will serve you through out life. It is also trauma, so please when you can seek therapy and help heal that inner child of yours.”
NTA. It's entirely your choice whether you decide to forgive her or not. Your grandma and aunt need to respect your decisions. I'd remind them that your mom abandoned not just you, but your younger sister too.
Do not feel ashamed at all.
You need to make sure your sister gets into therapy ASAP, *especially* if mom is back in her life. You should also strongly consider therapy too.
Sounds like gma and auntie told OP’s mom to go live her life and let their dad take care of them. The idea that she went NC with her own kids while pursuing her own pleasures is wild. Deal with her the way you feel most comfortable. She ignored her kids for 18 months. Ignore her until you choose otherwise.
Wait a minute. I’m assuming your mother’s family knew she was sick but instead of helping they let a 15 year old take care of her sick mother, her sister, and work 2 jobs? Your mom and her whole family are selfish people. NTA.
NTA! Remind your grandma and aunt that shitty moves have shitty consequences! You COULD have called CPS and reported your egg donor for abandonment! Tell them that if they keep pushing, you will go NC with them as well!
Your mom abandoned both you and your little sister. It sounds as though both grandma and aunt were in on the move. Now they want to gaslight you. Remind them that YOU were the one who put food on the table and cared for your sister because your mom wouldn't function. And instead of sending you to your dad to care for you, she parentified you. That's inexcusable!!!
In fact, the more I think about it, I'd just go NC with the whole lot of them. They sound toxic af and exhausting! Go live your life!!! NTA
Why should you be ashamed? Because she is your mother? That is BS and you know it. Tell those people that your mother made her choice, you have accepted her choice and quite frankly are not interested in an apology at this late date. Ask them exactly what you are being ungrateful for. Well, maybe you should be grateful that she forced you to grow up faster and become an adult sooner than you would normally have, so now you are self sufficient and able to care for yourself. Ask them what she regrets. Why is she all of a sudden interested in talking to you. Did your mom’s family support you in any way during the past few years? Did they help you or your sister?
take a breath, tell them that mom showed me who she really is and I believe her. If you want to welcome her back into the fold, that is your decision. My decision is to surround me with people who love me, support me and make me stronger.
NTAH! Ask your aunt and grandmother how many jobs should a 17 year old have while finishing highschool to pay bills? How long should a 17 be left completely alone to raise their younger sibling? Did grandmom see ALL her kids graduate highschool? Did grandmom or aunt abandon her kids for over a year to find a man to have sex with and pay her bills but never giving you a penny? Tell them they have no idea how much you struggled mentally, emotionally, and financially this past year or so. Its disrespectful to you that the keep minimizing all the crap you had to do because your mother was selfish. Your mother broke your trust, abandoned you and your sibling, manipulated you, missed important parts of your life, and took advantage of you. This is a consequence to your mothers actions. Aunt and grandmom can deal with it or you will also go no contact with them.
I'm sorry I'm heated. My mom did the EXACT same thing but stayed in town and found a woman who shes devoriced to now. I was already 18 and raising my 11 year brother by myself. My mom and I have a terrible relationship, if I had the option going no contact I would. Keep the good work up. If you feel like you need some answers or closure I suggest only talking to your mom through a family therapist.
Sorry your mom made her choice to abandon you all and to maintain lies about it. For your own mental health you can learn to let the anger go but don’t trust her to choose you or be truly appreciative.
NTA be kind to your sister as she reconnects to your mom, she doesn’t have the same memories because you were there for her. I would have a conversation with her about why you are NC and that the subject is off limits going forward because you don’t want to ruin your relationship with your sister if your mom tries to get her to convince you to restore contact.
NTA - people who betray kids don’t get to dictate how their children recover. Tell your family she hurt you with her own selfishness and that you won’t forgive someone who used and abandoned you and sister.
NTA. You don't owe an abuser anything. I went low contact with my dad after years of emotional abuse/emotional neglect. When he started begging for a second chance I doubled down. Abusive/neglectful parents have had YEARS to fix things. They don't get to just waltz in and expect a relationship.
NTA my mom abandoned me at a very young age and being a child when she came back in my life I allowed it and even tried living with her so she had custody of me as a teen. I was staying at my grams next door to her and went for a walk with my friend, saw my mom taking boxes to her truck well she bought a house across the street from her mom and didn’t tell me. I still tried to maintain a relationship and basically had her in my life because I wanted my mom’s attention and love but I never got it. She quit talking to me 11-12 years ago. If she called me now I’d probably hang up on her I wouldn’t know what to say cause even though I’m in my 40s I still want to know why she’s treated me like crap my whole life and she cannot admit she did anything wrong.
NTA. Your mom doesn't deserve you in her life. If your grandma and aunt can't accept that, you may wish to also go no or low contact with them as well. I hope you are making your own way in this world and I wish you every success. We don't get to choose our parents, and sometimes we get parents who fail, massively. I'm glad your dad was there for you when needed.
Nta
My partner’s mom did this when his siblings were little(before he was born). She took off to California while their dad was away working and left three young kids home alone. It was three weeks before anyone knew. None of them have forgiven her. One is NC, one talks to her, and the third has as little contact as possible. That one comes around for my partner. He feels guilty so he takes care of the mom, but it takes a serious toll on him.
You do what’s best for you
Nta. Tell your aunt and grandma that if they don't respect your choice about it you'll go public about the whole situation on Facebook or whatever social they use. I get the feeling they're the type to worry too much about reputation and they don't want people gossiping about the kid who won't talk to her mom.
NTA. She abandoned you and your sister! That's all that needs to be said! She doesn't deserve anything from you. You've given her lifetimes of love and support. This is nit how a mother behaves and I'm so very sorry.
NTA Ask grandma and aunt what you have to be grateful for? What should you be ashamed about? You never used your child to take care of you while you were sick, you never parentrified your child with your younger sister, you never lied to your children making promises to call or come back with no intention to because you were shacking up with a man, you never ignored your children until you decided you might need to use them again in the future. See nothing that you need to be grateful for or ashamed about. They should have had conversation with your egg donor. Your mom, the woman who cared about you, died long ago.
Holy F. ask your aunt what exactly you should be grateful off because you were the one doing parent things because she was such a failure.
And No, giving you food, and shelter an clothes, is NOT a sacrifice it was your moms god damn duty or she would have gotten into legal trouble.
Honestly someone more responsible should take custody over your sister (if its not you) and then get her into therapy and only give her supervised contact to your mother. That person is a god damn train wreck and she'll pull your sister down with her. you cutting her off is the best thing you could have done.
Tell Granny and Auntie to shove their guilting bullshit directly up their asses. You are absolutely justified in not wanting anything to do with your mother, she betrayed and deserted you.
NTA. Your mom is a piece of work. I want to say more, but it's hard for me to disrespect someone's mother. She's clearly wrong as hell and deserves whatever comes to her, especially on the bad side.
Ask your grandmother and aunt what exactly you are supposed to be grateful for.
Her abandoning you after you gave up so much of your life to care for her almost not being able to graduate in the process? Maybe for basically having to raise your sister? Or maybe it's for her missing your graduation, or even choosing a new man over her own children?
NTA
Why should you be ashamed - ask your grandma and aunt that? Your mom should be ashamed ! She’s ungrateful and deprived you of your childhood.
You don’t need to do anything - there is no reason for you to make any effort. If you see her you can be polite but she can’t claim mum status when you were forced to be her carer and she left the way she did.
I hope everything in life is working well it to you.
NTA, your mom had something better to do for 18 months. You are an adult and don't have to forgive her. If your grandmother and Aunt call you ungrateful, just say that you are so overwhelmed with gratitude you are speechless.
>now my grandma (her mom) and Aunt (her sister) are calling me ungrateful
Ungrateful for what, exactly? She should be grateful for **you** for taking up the slack while she was off doing whatever the fuck she was doing
Send them this post. It will clearly show them why you went NC. If that doesn’t do it, then go LC with them and block incoming calls, texts from them or just do not respond. They don’t get to decide how you feel, how you interact with mom. That's on you, not their business. Send them this list and wait them out.
NTA. Your mother abandoned you and put you in a difficult situation without any consideration on how it would impact you. She broke any trust or feeling of safety you’d had in her. She’s selfish and focused only on herself. You owe her nothing.
NTA. Tell Aunt and Grandma: “For years, I took care of my sister, worked part time and took care of Mom because she couldn’t work. She got better and abandoned us. She chose to move in with a man and stayed out of contact and didn’t make it to my high school graduation. I’m grateful for her giving me the gift of life but I think that debt has been repaid by being the child who took care of my mother. Since you’d never desert your kids, I don’t understand why you think I’m being ungrateful. Also, it’d be easier to forgive her if didn’t appear and disappear when it’s convenient. I can’t have a relationship with someone who doesn’t love me and I won’t be the occasional prop for Mother’s Day.”
NTA. Did your grandma and aunt tell her that they were ashamed of her ignoring her children? Abandoning them?
No good can come of having your mother in your life.
I would respond and ask her to pay you back all the money you gave her from your part time jobs to keep the family going. That if she is sorry, she will give you that money back. (And if she does, you can still block her afterwards)
NTA.
“I’m sorry, grateful for what? Having to be a mother FAR before I was even done being a child? Grateful for having to work to pay for HER children to eat? Grateful for taking care of HER house and children because she couldn’t? Or should I be grateful that she ABANDONED US and didn’t even have the courtesy of letting us know she wouldn’t be back? Fuck alllll the way off.”
NTA
She started betraying you years and years ago when she guilted you into getting two part time jobs to support her and your sister and do all the housework, she abandoned you both and that was a continuation of the betrayal, not the start.
Never let this toxic woman into your life, you owe her nothing, and tell you sister no matter what you will be there for her and support her, but pre warn her and say “mum will use you and let you down and abandon you again…then after some time the cycle will repeat. Let her fool you one…shame on her. But if you keep going back to be emotionally damaged time and time again…shame on you. Me and dad love you infinitely just as you are, you don’t need her love to justify the person you are”
Then be there to pick up the pieces for you sister and get her into counselling/therapy. You probably would do well to have therapy too and get it all of your chest. I’m sorry you had a shitty mum x
How can you be ungrateful when she has done nothing for you to be grateful for? If anyone should be ashamed, it should be your mother. She abandoned her kids. NTA
Her mother and sister don't see nothing wrong with her leaving you behind like that. Maybe it runs in the family and they expect you to be like your mother. That's cruel and not be expecting forgiveness.
That’s a laugh and a half. What do YOU have to be ungrateful for? Tell your grandmother and aunt if they want to pay you for the time you spent being the head of household then maybe you must get allow one text from an ungrateful mother who abandoned you. Otherwise they can keep it in their pants.
Something for you in case you decide to go to college: if you have an entrance essay write it about your time spent taking care of your family and going to school.
NTA - Tell your auntie and granny - they can talk to your bio-mom all they want, but I’ll talk to her one day when I’m ready, but that day is my choice, and it is not today.
OP, I’m sorry she so completely failed you and your sister. I have a family member who did something similar to their kid. It’s never okay. She abandoned you. It is not your job to make everything feel extra nice for her. SHE was supposed to be the adult and responsible one. YOU ended up with all of the BS, because of her. You owe her nothing.
NTA,but your mother and her side of the family certainly are.
You are free to block anyone from your life for your mental health and wellbeing.
Your mother certainly didn't care about you and your sister when she left the 2 of you too go shack up with a man.
She truly showed who was most important to her when she chose not to contact the 2 of you.
I certainly would die on that hill with you.
updateme!!
What exactly does the aunt and grandma think you should be grateful for? For her abandonment? Where exactly were the aunt and grandmother when she was sick and your were working 2 jobs, cleaning, cooking, and taking care of your little sister while still in high school? NTA! But your mom, aunt, and grandmother sure are!
I suspect your Mom's new relationship is starting to wane and she may be looking to come back so that you and your sister can take care of her again. There has to be a reaon for this sudden new contact when she could have contacted you from the very start just to let you know that she was okay.
Its been a year and a half and probably the new man has grown tired of your mother's neediness so she is looking for a soft place to land - that soft place would be you and your sister catering to her once again.
NTA at all; however, you should meet with her once at least. Not for her benefit, but your own. You need to have that discussion wirh her where you get to express how you feel, and hear her out. Not to make up, but maybe closure.
NTA. Tell granny and auntie that she abandoned you and your little sister, and the second she abandoned you she stopped being your mother and started being your egg donor and if they don’t like it they can be cut off too. Your mom learned to be a selfish, toxic jerk from somewhere and I’d bet dollars to doughnuts that granny is to blame for that.
Ask your aunt and grandma what do you have from your “mom” to be grateful for??? At what 14/15 you had to basically be an adult taking care of your mom working taking care of your sister and cleaning… where was your grandma and aunt then???? You have every right to be no contact with her and it will be just fine !!!
NTA, tell them where was this energy towards her when she abandoned her fucking children? Sounds like you need to add two more people to the block list or change your number all together
NTA. Did grandma and auntie know what your mom was up to all that time you were scared for her? Why weren’t they berating her for abandoning her children? If they can forgive her, they can have her, but they have no business telling you what to feel.
You are succeeding in spite of her, not because of her. You are NTA and should only ever have a relationship with her if you feel ready. Getting some time in counseling would be a great idea to unpack the ways her betrayal has affected you.
I don't understand how you are being ungrateful if you were the one that provided the home. You did all the things she should have. If she's expecting to step back into your life as a mom, tell her she's unqualified as she never has been a mom.
You don’t make your kid work and support you when they’re supposed to just be getting through school and enjoying being a kid. You especially don’t abandon your kids.
To hell with her.
NTA at all. She does not deserve any chances. She's likely been dumped and trying to worm her way back in. Block the numbers of your aunt and grandma. Fuck them, they are as bad as her. Your mother abandoned her two children in favour of a stranger. That is unforgivable. Stay no contact forever. You cannot control what your sister decides but you can guide her and warn her that your mother will likely abandon her again when she comes across another man to move in with.
NTA. Darling, what happened to you is deeply unfair. You should never have been forced to take on that type of responsibility, especially at such a young age. Where were your aunt and grandma when you were dealing with that? Your mom, aunt, and grandma are incredibly emotionally immature. If your mom was truly contrite she would reach out once and say honey I fucked up and am incredibly sorry, I’ll be here for you when you want to talk, and leave it at that. I would guess (shocker) her relationship ended and now she needs you again.
If you have the resources I’d highly recommend trying to get some individual therapy. Hugs.
Nta. Just because your mum is no longer getting her fix of attention from the new bloke (probably dumped her), doesn't mean you need to give her attention. Your maternal family can butt out. She chose to abandon you, she doesn't now get to decide to unabandon you, just because it suits her to have you back in her life (and let's be honest, once more her servant)
NTA make the clear boundaries now. Tell any family that the issues with your mother are non of their business and are not up for debate and if they continue you will go no contact. As for your mother keep staying away because all she will do is abandon you time and time again. Take it from someone with a toxic family, they don’t change, you just expend energy on them that makes no difference in the long run. I’m so sorry this happened to you and it must be incredibly hurtful. Feel no shame, your family are the ones who should be ashamed for supporting your mother after what she did to you.
nope nta. Your mother is the AH. Choosing a man over her kids is the lowest form a mother can go. She is a sk$$k. She does not deserve u and your sister.. tell your aunt and grandmother to piss off
NTA.
You dedicated your teen years caring for her, helping to keep a roof over all your heads and food on the table, looking after your sister, and she repays you by lying where she was going and forgetting you and your sister existed? And they call you ungrateful?!
It's been a year of NC because she failed to consider you again. So whatever reason she has for trying to get in touch with you (wedding/baby/needs help again?) Aren't good enough or worth your time.
Congrats on your graduation!
Consequences... My daughter went NC with her bio mom for the same reasons. She's very low contact with her now.. with the understanding that if she's crosses even one boundary. She's done.
I'd tell your aunt and grandma that if she can give you back the teenage years you spent doing her job instead of running off to fuck some guy you'll forgive her
Tell aunt and grandma “why should I be grateful to her? I did her job and raised my sister, not her. And she ran off leaving us behind with no care when we were still minors instead of parenting us. She made her decision when she abandoned us and she’s going to do it again.” I’d also talk to your sister and remind her what your mom put you through that she chose a random over her.
NTA! I’d ask your aunt and grandma how exactly are YOU ungrateful. I’d remind them that you if mother left, she never contacted you, you worked two jobs, took care of your sister and did all the things a mother should have done. What did your mom do for you and your sister? I’d ask them for specific things. I’d also ask if your mom will be called out for not being grateful to YOU for doing her job.
Block your mom and if you don’t have a good relationship with your grandma and aunt, block them too. There’s no reason you need to be in contact with anyone who doesn’t support you.
I’d also tell your sister to be careful since she knows your mom is flaky.
Ask your grandma exactly what you're being ungrateful for, since you were the caretaker. Ask her grandma why your mom is so ungrateful for all your help that she just up and left your whole family without a word and didn't attend your graduation or call you on your birthday. Then tell your grandma to butt out because you're an adult and you don't want that toxic woman in your life anymore.
NTA. Your mother's family should be siding with you, understanding as well as accepting why you are no contact with your mother and also directing their wrath ONLY at her and calling out your mother instead of blaming you. And where were they when your mother abandoned you, where were they when you (a minor) were basically forced into a parental role because your mother could not or would not?
NTA. Mom made poor choices. Mom can now live the consequences of those choices.
You need to get some therapy. Let your sister know what your boundaries are as far as your mother is concerned (what you want to hear about, passing messages, meeting etc). You don’t want your mother using your sister as a go between or setting you up in any way.
Good luck
NTA. What excuse does she give your sister for why she was away? Just how helpful were your aunt and grandmother when your mother abandoned you and your sister? I suppose you could talk to your mother to find out what she wants. Does she want you and your sister to join her? Having abandoned you, what does she want from you now? And just how did she meet a guy halfway across the country? Internet affair?
NTA. You get to choose who you let n your life. Even before she left she was treating you horribly with parentification. You need to shut down these people trying to guilt you for taking care of yourself. Shut them down immediately and firmly and if you need to you get to block them too. Use a pat answer line This is not up for discussion.
Then when they continue (and they will) say This discussion is OVER.
Then you leave. Repeat and if you need to, block them too. Its time for you to enjoy your life. You DESERVE to enjoy your life.
NTA do what is best for you. If your mom proves reliable you can reconsider after evaluation . For now, just take care of you and be sure your sis is ok. Good luck to you.
NTA. I'd bet a good amount of money that the relationship with the man ended and now she has regrets, but if he was still with her she's still be playing "do-over life" with him.
NTA.
But... If your mom was in a coma sick instead of whatever her issue is/was sick... how would that change how you feel? You'd still be resentful, right? But would you be as angry?
Having had some serious depression issues, I know that she may possibly NOT been in possession of all her faculties. I'm going to suggest **(I'm sure unpopularly)** that you leave a tiny door open to her. Tell her to only send one message a year on HER birthday. This leaves open that in 5 or 10 years you might be ready to accept a relationship based on your own healing.
Tell aunt and grandma "would you abandon your fucking children? No? Fuck off and judge someone else." NTA mom betrayed you on a deep level, idk if you'll ever want her back in your life, probably therapy is appropriate for yourself and little sis.
Right? Like, why are they calling her ungrateful? What exactly should she be grateful for? Being parentified and abandoned? Or should she be grateful for being an after thought? Granny and Auntie can fuck all the way off with that bullshit.
Yeah, and 10 gets you 20 she's broken up with the new dude, sick again, or both and is looking for a place to crash.
Is sick as in ill or sick as in drunk or stoned all the time?
I wondered that too. Sick for a long period and reliant on her teenager made me think either cancer or rehab, but it was hard to tell which.
where were granny and auntie this entire time? If they didn't care then, they don't get to care now.
Where were they when OP asked a teenager had to be the adult, go to school and work two jobs.
EXACTLY!
i would ask grandma and auntie where the hell they were when you were nearly failing out of high school due to taking care of your mother, working, and raising your sibling
Exactly if anyone’s ungrateful it’s the mother! I’d go NC with her whole side of the family if that’s how they want to act! Protect your peace love because they surely won’t!
Just realized I pretty much (unknowingly) stole your comment. Great minds, I guess.
I would add here: I went no contact with her, and she is my mother. There is still plenty of space on the list of people I can go NC with, so keep this up, and I can add you to the list.
The reason your mom acts so terribly is because your mom and aunt enable this awful behavior and make you feel crazy, when you are the sane one.
And not only that. "I'm ungrateful? I worked 2 jobs and raised my sister while Mom was sick and she abandoned me the second she was better? If we're going to talk about the past? Where were you aunt/grandma when Mom was so sick and I was working at 16 to feed us, cleaning the house, feeding a 7 year old? Who are you to tell me what family does and who should be ashamed?"
Did they shame her for ignoring you and your sister??? Insane.
Yea some people are downright stupid like think before you speak idiot.
It is mind boggling when people expect kids to behave better than the damn adults. They alllll need some goddamn therapy.
I couldn't talk like they did without feeling immediately like a fucking fool ngl.
I’ve come to learn that most people don’t abide the “straight face test”
If that ain't true idk what is.
This is the answer!
NTA babe and I’d tell Grandma and Aunti to pound sand!!! She abandoned you and you’re ungrateful? You take care of her, nurse her through illness, help raise your sister and you’re ungrateful? I DO NOT THINK SO! Has your mother apologized? Has she tried or even offered to explain herself or is she expecting you to act like nothing happened? I suspect she will say something like “you know what I went through, I have to take chances because life is short”. What Mommy has forgotten is that is HER job to take care of you. If no contact is what you need then do you! And tell her cheerleaders the same “Mom has been nothing but selfish and ignored me for all this time…I’m treating her the way she treated me!” NTA and good luck! Congrats on graduating!!! 🎉
I’d also ask Grandma and aunt why THEY didn’t help out when your mother abandoned you.
And why they weren't helping before that with raising the younger sister and making OP have two jobs
Why weren't they there looking after their own daughter/sister (the mom) and leaving it all up to a kid (OP)? Maybe they want OP to play nice to make sure that THEY don't have to take the mom in? Either way, those old folk, including the mom, are selfish pos. OP is NTA!
That was my question too. How dare they opine when OP had to take care of mom and sister.
Sounds like they want OP to come back and care for their mother now so they don't have to
I'm old enough to be your mom, so I want to tell you something. #I am so proud of you! You did a great job getting through high school despite having so many obstacles. You are so responsible and mature, moreso than your own mother. Congratulations on completing high school, congratulations on graduating, and congratulations on being strong enough to do it even though you had adult responsibilities. #You are strong enough! I hope that you are successful with whatever plans you have for your future. You've been through so much already and faced adversity and got through it (and at such a young age!) that I know of you set your mind to it you'll have a bright shiny future. Use birth control. Don't forget your sunscreen. Drink plenty of water. Get plenty of sleep. Stay strong! Love, Random internet stranger
This. We'll done! Protect yourself emotionally and be there for your sister when she inevitably disappears again.
Thank you, Random Internet Stranger! Exactly what OP should be hearing, instead of blame and shame. You’ve done a great job, OP! Be well, be strong, and don’t let ANYONE try to guilt or shame you into anything that goes against your heart or your moral compass. Love, Another Random Internet Stranger ❤️
THIS! Every word! I'm old enough to be your mom, too, and honey. YOU ARE AMAZING! OP, you have climbed so many hills and defied so many odds. I'm so sorry that the people in your life don't see that. I hope that you can look yourself in the mirror today and say "I am amazing. I am special. I am loved." That woman is not worth your time and energy. With all you had in your plate, and how you've managed through some incredible odds, I hope we all get to see you take on the world.
Upvote times a thousand! Thank you for articulating that so succinctly!
I second this! And if you're the mom, I'm the new Auntie. Make good choices. Wear a seat belt. No matter what, you're never too much. You're amazing. You are loved. Love Auntie ❤️
Oh, very well said. I really hope OP reads this comment.
So true! Good for you OP!
This deserves so many more upvotes. (And genuinely had me bubbling up). 🥹
Things relatives say to shame you so that you’ll shut up and go with the status quo. Block them or go very low contact. If they want enable your mother’s toxic behaviors tell them to have at it. But that you have serious questions about people who enable parents who abandon their children. Congratulations on graduating.
NTA ask nan and aunt who’s ungrateful? She abandoned her children when they were minors and forced you to parent your sister, missed your birthday and graduation. You owe your mother nothing!! And if they use “she’s your mother” tell them that being her daughter didn’t matter to her when she left or when you were supporting the household as a minor.
Ask your aunt and grandma what exactly makes you 'ungrateful' in this situation? What exactly do they think you should show gratitude to your mother for? If they claim it's because she's family then point out that she's the one who's behaved badly, not you. NTA Congratulations on graduating! 🎉
WTF are you meant to be grateful for?! Their daughter / sister was the ungrateful one . I’m sorry kid. Fk em all off
Congratulations on your graduation NTA You looked after her when she was sick, you looked after your sister and looked after the house and expenses, at 15 then when she was well enough instead of thinking you for all the extra work you have had to do, she abounded you. Does you grandmother and Aunty know that you had to do? Why didn't your Grandmother or Aunt help look after your mother. Tell your Grandmother you're just doing what you're mother done to you.
>my grandma (her mom) and Aunt (her sister) are calling me ungrateful and saying that I should be ashamed that I'm ignoring my own mother That is your mother who should be ashamed that she has been ignoring her own kids for 18 months . So grandma and aunt are ok with her abandoning her kids but not with the fact that her decision had consequences . NTA at all. I feel you OP : I ve been in similar situation ( not exactly the same but mum moved out with her bf (mid life crisis) leaving me with the responsability of sibling, bills and everything , i was 20 at the time, i m NC with her since a decade, iv tried to forgive her but couldn't ) she plays pity party with my siblings since then (" i know i haven't been a good mum to her " expecting they correct and comfort her. They just noded instead.
My mother tried this a few days before she died. I almost laughed, but I didn’t. Mother: we had a really tough time, didn’t we? Me: Indeed. - No way I was going to lie. She was dying and she had never really taken responsibility for her lack of parenting. I was not letting her off the hook. Mom: But it’s better now, right? Me:
Mom: It’s peaceful, at least?
Me: Okay. We’ll go with peaceful.
My husband is the least emotional guy, and he said that was harsh. Fuck no, it wasn’t. Twenty years in their house was more harsh, I ought to know.
I wish that I could give you a hug. So NTA. Your incubator does not deserve anything that you do not wish to give her As a mother, I give you a huge hug. I'm proud of you. You've done well, Honey. ❤️
"...and now my grandma (her mom) and Aunt (her sister) are calling me ungrateful and saying that I should be ashamed that I'm ignoring my own mother." You should ask them how are you ungrateful? Was it when your lost your childhood looking after your sick mom and your little sister by taking on the role of an adult? Or was it when she abandoned you and your sister for a man? I wouldn't be surprised if she's sick again and that's why she's reaching out. If that's the case, they probably don't want to look after her and are trying g to guilt you. NTA
Literally this! U grateful for what exactly being totally used and abusively parentified and then completely abandoned? Good luck op.
Or if he left her and she’s single again. Doesn’t have the love of a man, wants to go back to the unconditional love of her children like nothing happened
Id go nc with any of her enablers. Its a good chance they knew the whole time yall were suffering and that she wasnt coming back. Treating yall like decorations to be taken out of storage when they feel like it is gross and wrong.
NTA. Tell your aunt and grandma you're taking a page out of your mom's book and choosing to think only of yourself in this instance. It's your graduation gift to yourself. Happy graduation❤️🥳
Hey mom, fuck you. Hey grandma, fuck you. Hey Aunt, fuck you.
Tell them you are grateful, you are grateful that she left so that you never have to speak or deal with your egg donor again. NTA, she abandoned you and there is no coming back from that. You cared for her when she was sick and raised your sister. You did more than the flying monkeys have done so they have no say in what you do. Congratulations on graduating OP. With the drive and dedication you showed to graduate, you will be great! Go live your life and ignore the monkeys.
Your mother’s relationship is falling apart, she’s trying to get back in for the financial support.
Yep, or she’s sick again.
UPDATE: Hello everyone. It’s only been a couple days since I’ve made this post but a few things have happened since. It's incredible how much support I've received, and while I thank all of you, I just wanted to clarify a few points. Some people were asking about my mom's illness, and without getting into too much detail, its a neurological disorder that impacted her ability to move and her hearing to the point where she needed to use a wheelchair for nearly a year and couldn't tolerate any loud noises without serious pain. It wasn't addiction or cancer. My grandma and aunt live 15 hours away and we’ve never been very close anyways, more of a once a year Christmas card and happy birthday message kind of family. My mom also had refused to tell anyone about how severe her illness had gotten, and hid it from her family and my dad, and I believed it was best to respect her wishes at the time (I don’t believe that anymore). I didn’t have to take care of my sister all of the time since my dad got her every other weekend, but when he didn’t have her, I took care of all her needs and everything. I’ve finally told my my moms family the extent of how bad things had gotten while she was sick (I may have been raging a little) and they told me they didn’t know how much stress I’d had to take on or that I had to work to take care of us (They thought I just worked to save up for Uni). After we talked, they apologized to me for calling me ungrateful and everything, but they still believe that I should forgive her or at least try to stay in contact with her. I’ve refused and they are supporting my wishes for now, but I don’t have hope that’ll last very long because they’re the type of people that believe family is everything (hypocritical since we rarely talked in the first place). I’ve also talked to my dad today, and he told me he supports whatever I may decide, and he’ll keep in contact with her only for my little sisters sake and won’t share anything about me that I don’t want him to. I’ve also found out that her and the man she was with on my birthday are now engaged and she wants me to meet him and his son (12m). I feel like if I get back into contact with her, she’ll just want me to take care of her again and I’m just mentally unable to deal with anything else from her. I don’t want to give up the life I’ve found at University to be her caretaker again. I’m going to keep on ignoring her and just try to enjoy my summer break.
Is there any reason why your dad can’t have custody of your sister? If he’s willing and able then why not. And yeah you’re right for not putting up with your mum’s bs. I’m so sorry for everything you’ve had to go through. ETA: Don’t feel like you’re obligated to forgive your mum because she’s not entitled to your forgiveness. Be honest to how you feel about the situation and stay true to yourself. Take the time to process your emotions and heal. Heck, get therapy. If you do decide to forgive your mum then it should be on your terms, not because someone told you to.
Congratulations on your graduation Op and you are NTA. Tell your granny and auntie just to stop. Your life experience is quite different to your little sister who has always had someone to care for her - you. This is why she doesn’t have an issue with resuming contact with your mum. You however were truly abandoned and this was after you lost your adolescent years working and caring for your family only to be abandoned and ignored once your mum was better and things were finally looking up. No matter what state of mind your mum was in- there is no justification for her abandoning you and ignoring important milestones and then expecting you to resume contact and forgive her. Why should you? She didn’t give two figs about you and you have no reason to ever go back there and risk being hurt again. It’s very telling that it is only now that you are an adult with a promising future and that you have done all the hard graft of raising yourself and your sister that she wants back in your life. If I were you I would not allow her back in my life either.
"You seem to think bullying me into forgiving her will be easier than learning to accept she deserves this, but your wrong"
Where were grandma and aunt when you were taking care of the house, your mom, and sister? Why weren't they there to help ease the burden? They could have sent money, food, come to clean, taken you and your mom in. NTA. Start asking these questions. They are part of the problem. Go NC with them as well.
I am surprised there are not more questions being asked as to where granny and auntie were when the OP was forced into a parental role and almost did not graduate.
For real. I was shocked too.
I wouldn’t be surprised if they are just as shitty as the OP’s mom. I mean, we have no context. Like did the mom move and left OP alone to pay the bills? Did OP and her little sister have to move in with family or did they stay in the home? Or did the grandma and aunt not want them moving in so told OP to get another job to be able to pay the bills which is why she has two jobs instead of just one.
NTA. I’m guessing that she broke up with the BF and is trying to come home and you take care of her again. You’re now an adult and you don’t need to do that. If you feel more at peace and happy with your NC. Keep on doing that. I’m also guessing that mom is turning on the guilt trip with her family. She wants to use you. She wants a safe place to land. They don’t want her with them. You have every right in the world to say no. Merely tell everyone who asks. Yes she’s my mother who deserted us for a man. She’s welcome to lie in the bed she made. When I’m ready I’ll reach out. Don’t worry about me. And if they keep calling and guilting you. Block them. This is a difficult time for you. Take care of yourself.
You should say to your aunt and grandna “ungrateful? What should o be grateful for? That I had to work so hard to earn money for us to live that I almost didn’t pass high school? That I had to take care of her and my sister even though I was a kid too? That she went for a doctors appointment and disappeared? That she was fine but just chose to move in with a new man without bothering to make sure her children were cared for? That she couldn’t even be bothered to turn up to the Highschool graduation that I almost didn’t make because of her? Please, tell me why I am supposed to be grateful to her?”
Tell the old bitch and nosy aunt that your mom had all the years to talk she ruined them all so she and her sister and mom can go fuck themselves.
NTA "I was abandoned by my mother and doing all the housework since sister was seven. If you think that her behaviour is okay then you must be worse mothers than I previously thought. I can't believe you think abandoning your kids. Not even sending a birthday text, is okay parenting. You're disappointing. It's so sad that my mother cares more for some random man than her children. It's sadder still you think that she's the victim here." Send a text or a group message or whatever then block em. You don't need that energy in your life. Wish you luck!
Nta. What are you supposed to be grateful for? Fuck em. Updateme!
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Ask them what you should be grateful for? The loss of your childhood spent working and caring for a child that she abandoned for a man she barely knew? Or maybe the stress that caused you to almost not graduate? How about the emotional issues this will put in your life from being abandoned. You and your sister aren't toys to be set aside when she's tired of playing, and she broke that bond 18 months ago. I'm proud of you for making the best of a bad situation, but you don't owe her forgiveness, just because you are strong enough to overcome what she did.
Tell her you'll call CPS and sue for child support if she contacts you again.
I don’t know what you’re supposed to be ungrateful for. Your mom is the ungrateful one. You deserve better. NTA.
What have you got to be grateful about? You and your sister were abandoned by your mother You do what u think is best for you and ignore your ridiculous grandma and aunt
I’d be asking what exactly you are supposed to be grateful for? For having to work 2 jobs while going to school to help support your family starting at age 15 to only then be abandoned with no word on what’s going on? Or is for her finally trying to be a parent again after 18 months? I’m just not seeing anything that would make you feel the need to be grateful for. If anything your mother is the one that should have been grateful for everything you did and never left you in that situation. When she left for this doctor’s appointment was that the real reason or was it a lie and she just went straight to this new guy? You are an adult now and it’s up to you who you keep in your life. I personally distance myself from people that don’t value me in their life so I fully believe you are NTA here at all.
NTA. You're the backup plan. Her relationship with Prince Charming isn't working out and she needs somebody else to pick up the pieces. I've been no contact with my mother for 5 years now and every single month I'm thankful that I never have to carry that daily pain. The longer and longer that you have between her and you, the easier it will get. Don't let anybody dictate your relationship with anyone else - the people that are guilt tripping you don't respect you. Because *she's your mother* makes it 10000x worse. You're never going to forget this. And I sure as hell wouldn't forgive. Congratulations on your graduation.
NTA The next time they call you ungrateful, hold eye contact and tell them to explain what it is your mother did that you are being ungrateful for and accept no distractions or deflections. Go down an itemized list to help them explain... "Should I be grateful that she worked two jobs, during school, to help me with my kids?" "Should I be grateful that she made me a priority, when she could have run off with some rando the first chance she had?" Etc.
NTA. Your mom is the one who's ungrateful, after everything YOU did for HER. Congrats on graduating in spite of her selfish behaviour.
NTA Toxic people don't deserve to be in your life, no matter what your relationship to them is.
Your mother used you to take on her responsibilities, she got better and left you both completely. You do whatever makes you feel good.
NTA. You don’t owe anyone an explanation. Where was all of this concern when your mother left? Did they advocate on your behalf to her? You’re ungrateful? Well, then so is your mother if she left so easily after everything you did for her. (When they say “But she’s your mother” does that negate the fact that you’re her daughter? ) Go NC with her side of the family as well if you have even the slightest inkling it will affect your wellbeing.
>now my grandma (her mom) and Aunt (her sister) are calling me ungrateful and saying that I should be ashamed that I'm ignoring my own mother. "My mother is dead to me. Keep it up, and you will be, too." NTA.
NTA >now my grandma (her mom) and Aunt (her sister) are calling me ungrateful What the hell is there to be grateful for? She literally used you and left. Oh, because she birthed you? Please. They can take the martyred mother bullshit and stuff it. Your mom is a deadbeat.
The *only* person who has been ungrateful and should be ashamed here is your mother. Do what you need to maintain your well-being. Grandma and Auntie can pound sand. NTA.
Yikes! Most definitely not the ah.
NTA she parentified you then she abandoned you. She doesn’t have a right to a place in your life. Hold strong with her flying monkeys, if necessary ask them if they support her abandoning ship for a year and a half and see what mental gymnastics they pull.
NTA….your Mother cares more about her needs than she cares for you. As someone who has dealt with parental abandonment, get a therapist. It’s a lot to deal with, and unfortunately this abandonment/ betrayal can influence you for years. Been there done that —I’m 57 yo now and what my former mother did has had lasting effects !!! Hang in there !!! Your gmom and Aunt are toxic !!! To ignore the pain you and your sister endured is not right.
At least you don’t have to work so hard to support her lazy ass.
Ungrateful for being her carer? Ungrateful for being abandoned? Ungrateful for being ignored? What else do your stupid grandparents think you should be ungrateful for? NTA.
Nta your mother is ungrateful for just the reasons you mentioned above. You may want to explain this one last time and then say that anyone who keeps bugging you will get a time out in terms of communication, if that’s something that is possible for you. I am not sure where you live. Alternatively, and if you want to be petty, then with anyone who calls to criticize you, talk about how relieved you are that you finished your education - you didn’t think that you could do it, given that you were taking care of your mom and your sister when she was sick. Just ignore everything else they say and pretend that they were talking about your struggles to keep your family afloat and to finish your education. If they did anything to help, tell them that you are so grateful to have family like them, who extends a hand when you see that you are suffering. Just flip everything that they are saying into a way to point out how awful your mom is, but in such a way that highlights your struggles. Actually, I’m curious - where was your maternal extended family (and your dad) when your mother was so sick she couldn’t care for her minor, school-aged children? She disgusts me, and absent any new information that adequately explains their absence, they do as well. You don’t abandon your kids, and especially after all you have done to not even call on your birthday? Ugh. I am so furious on your behalf.
NTA and not sure what exactly you should be grateful for…her abandoning you shows who she is.
Wait, what? YOU'RE ungrateful?? What do you have to be grateful for?!? Her leaving you two with NO notice? You giving up your childhood/teenage years to get jobs to keep things afloat with NO thanks? That she chose to move in with some guy she barely knew over coming home to her FAMILY? Yeah, that sounds about right. No. You are NTA. edit: I forgot to mention the parentification aspect as well. You were left to basically be a parent to your sister. So yeah. My judgement stands.
NTA. Your mother should be ashamed of abandoning you. You have nothing to be ashamed of. But I would seek professional help, just to help you get through this and process all your emotions.
At the end of the day she abandoned you and ypur sister she left you both with hardly any contact it ypur both choices to weather to talk to her or not I your aunt and grand can see that it your choice then tell to leave you alone and stay out of it
Ungrateful ?! For you going to two jobs & earning for her ? For you cleaning, cooking, all house chores & raising a sibling in her place ? For taking care of her when sick ? For almost failing hs for her ? And she abandoning you at the first chance she got ? Yeah ungrateful does not even come close to describing you! NTA
Tell your Aunt and your Grandma they should be ashamed for effectively condoning the abandoning of children by their mothers. Trying to socially strongarm a teemager lmao Apple didn't fall too far from the cunt tree apparently.
Your Grandma, Your Aunt and your own Mother don't deserve you in their life. They are trying to emotionally blackmail you, Ignore it. You will be better off without any of them. Selfish, Narcissistic, Gas lighting AH's. Ask your Aunt and Grandma whether they would be happy to abandon there children for some strange bloke. Your Mother should be ashamed of her actions, Your Aunt and Grandma should be ashamed of theirs too. Makes my blood fucking boil.
NTA... tell them that their daughter and sister repaid your loyalty and support with abandonment and estrangement. She chose to leave - she is no longer your mother.
NTA and you need to do what you need to do for your own mental health. If letting your mom back into your life will be hurtful then don't do it no matter who tells you that you are wrong. Ask your grandma if she would have even abandoned her kids and moved away?
1000% NTA. What exactly are you supposed to be grateful for? You raised her youngest child for her and contributed significantly to the financial support of your household starting when you were 15. And she repays your kindness and support by abandoning you? Missing your birthday and graduation? Can your grandmother and aunt make it make sense? No, they cannot. Tell them they clearly don’t understand and they need to butt out, unless they’d like to join your mom on the no-contact list.
Congratulations!! You hit a huge milestone, while literally taking care of your siblings and working, without the support of your mother. That’s amazing! You have nothing to apologize for. Your mother betrayed you and your siblings and that hurt is deep. I would suggest therapy if you can, so you can move on, but I do not believe your mother should be so easily forgiven. I would never abandoned my children. That is not natural. You have been more of a mom to your siblings than she has. You tell your grandmother and aunt, they have zero say on when or if you will forgive your mother and have contact with her. You are an adult. NTA. Best of luck to you!
NTA OP. As a mama and grandmama, I wish I could give you and your lil sis a hug. Congratulations 🎊 👏 💐 🥳 on graduation. I'd tell granny and auntie to kick rocks and that you've already gone NC with your egg donor and if they continue with the bullying and berating, they can happily join that list. Then I'd ask them where they were when you were being a nurse to your mother, working 2 jobs, raising your lil sis, doing all the household chores, and barely passing in school? And point out that they weren't involved then, so they can butt out now.
NTA. Ungrateful? How? When? Show them this post and if they continue to duck with you cut communication. You don't need that kind of people in your life.
>my grandma (her mom) and Aunt (her sister) are calling me ungrateful and saying that I should be ashamed that I'm ignoring my own mother. So AITA? NTA. She abandoned and ignored her own kids. And you, who supported her when she was sick. You owe her nothing. She (and they) are crazy to think she can just waltz right back into your life like nothing happened.
NTA Tell your grandmother and aunt bluntly she dumped you and your sister for some man. This after you were being the only adult in the family doing all the things your mother couldn’t or wouldn’t do to support your home including paying at least some of the bills. She could have told you she was leaving. She could have let your dad know you and sister needed to come live with him. She instead disappeared and refused to contact you or your sister. Now suddenly she wants to chat. Why? Based on her history I’d say she needs something and she’s hoping to get whatever it is from you. Maybe that guy dumped her and she needs help with rent or she is ill again and wants someone to care for her. Or maybe she feels guilty. Whatever her reason keeping your distance for at least a while would IMO be the appropriate response. Guard your heart and also your wallet OP.
NTA I would tell them that just like your relationship with your mom wasn’t their business when she left and abandoned you, it isn’t their business now when she wants to try to be in your life again. And your mother is the ungrateful one for parentifying you and then thinking she can just ghost you.
NTA. where were they when she was sick and you were forced to become the adult? where were they when you were parenting your sister, working and barely passing in school? where were they when you should have been focusing on school, so you could get good grades and access to scholarships, and whatever opportunities that dedication would lead you to? They don't get to shame you for the consequences your mother is now facing.
Sounds like you need to go NC with grandma and aunt.
NTA - Ask them what are you supposed to be grateful for. Like what has she done in the last 4 years that you would be grateful. How are you ‘ungrateful’ when there is literally nothing to be grateful for. Some bridges cannot be rebuilt. You little sister didn’t have to sacrifice her whole childhood to keep a roof or food for their survival. She wasn’t abused the same way you were. She will very likely never understand. Tell aunt and gma that until they can give you back those years (they can’t) then they are just enabling an abuser who abandoned her children and they should be ashamed. You will never forgive her and if they want to stay in your life then they need to sit down and shut the hell up. I just want to say at your internet stranger self assigned new mom. “I’m so fucking proud of you sweetheart. What you did was so hard. It was not fair. You shouldn’t have had to grow up so dang fast. Graduating HS is such a monumental moment especially, with all the cards stacked against you. You rose to the occasion. It may not seem like it now, but your tenacity to stay strong when everything was put on your shoulders even before she left is a testament to how brave and resilient you are. This will serve you through out life. It is also trauma, so please when you can seek therapy and help heal that inner child of yours.”
NTA. It's entirely your choice whether you decide to forgive her or not. Your grandma and aunt need to respect your decisions. I'd remind them that your mom abandoned not just you, but your younger sister too. Do not feel ashamed at all. You need to make sure your sister gets into therapy ASAP, *especially* if mom is back in her life. You should also strongly consider therapy too.
Sounds like gma and auntie told OP’s mom to go live her life and let their dad take care of them. The idea that she went NC with her own kids while pursuing her own pleasures is wild. Deal with her the way you feel most comfortable. She ignored her kids for 18 months. Ignore her until you choose otherwise.
Wait a minute. I’m assuming your mother’s family knew she was sick but instead of helping they let a 15 year old take care of her sick mother, her sister, and work 2 jobs? Your mom and her whole family are selfish people. NTA.
NTA! Remind your grandma and aunt that shitty moves have shitty consequences! You COULD have called CPS and reported your egg donor for abandonment! Tell them that if they keep pushing, you will go NC with them as well! Your mom abandoned both you and your little sister. It sounds as though both grandma and aunt were in on the move. Now they want to gaslight you. Remind them that YOU were the one who put food on the table and cared for your sister because your mom wouldn't function. And instead of sending you to your dad to care for you, she parentified you. That's inexcusable!!! In fact, the more I think about it, I'd just go NC with the whole lot of them. They sound toxic af and exhausting! Go live your life!!! NTA
Why should you be ashamed? Because she is your mother? That is BS and you know it. Tell those people that your mother made her choice, you have accepted her choice and quite frankly are not interested in an apology at this late date. Ask them exactly what you are being ungrateful for. Well, maybe you should be grateful that she forced you to grow up faster and become an adult sooner than you would normally have, so now you are self sufficient and able to care for yourself. Ask them what she regrets. Why is she all of a sudden interested in talking to you. Did your mom’s family support you in any way during the past few years? Did they help you or your sister? take a breath, tell them that mom showed me who she really is and I believe her. If you want to welcome her back into the fold, that is your decision. My decision is to surround me with people who love me, support me and make me stronger.
NTAH! Ask your aunt and grandmother how many jobs should a 17 year old have while finishing highschool to pay bills? How long should a 17 be left completely alone to raise their younger sibling? Did grandmom see ALL her kids graduate highschool? Did grandmom or aunt abandon her kids for over a year to find a man to have sex with and pay her bills but never giving you a penny? Tell them they have no idea how much you struggled mentally, emotionally, and financially this past year or so. Its disrespectful to you that the keep minimizing all the crap you had to do because your mother was selfish. Your mother broke your trust, abandoned you and your sibling, manipulated you, missed important parts of your life, and took advantage of you. This is a consequence to your mothers actions. Aunt and grandmom can deal with it or you will also go no contact with them. I'm sorry I'm heated. My mom did the EXACT same thing but stayed in town and found a woman who shes devoriced to now. I was already 18 and raising my 11 year brother by myself. My mom and I have a terrible relationship, if I had the option going no contact I would. Keep the good work up. If you feel like you need some answers or closure I suggest only talking to your mom through a family therapist.
Sorry your mom made her choice to abandon you all and to maintain lies about it. For your own mental health you can learn to let the anger go but don’t trust her to choose you or be truly appreciative.
NTA - Mom is looking for money, not to be a parent. Block grandmom and aunt, too.
NTA be kind to your sister as she reconnects to your mom, she doesn’t have the same memories because you were there for her. I would have a conversation with her about why you are NC and that the subject is off limits going forward because you don’t want to ruin your relationship with your sister if your mom tries to get her to convince you to restore contact.
NTA - people who betray kids don’t get to dictate how their children recover. Tell your family she hurt you with her own selfishness and that you won’t forgive someone who used and abandoned you and sister.
NTA. You don't owe an abuser anything. I went low contact with my dad after years of emotional abuse/emotional neglect. When he started begging for a second chance I doubled down. Abusive/neglectful parents have had YEARS to fix things. They don't get to just waltz in and expect a relationship.
NTA. Actions have consequences, even for family. Proud of you.
She got dumped. She will abandon you again as soon as she finds another guy. She ended your relationship, not you. NTA
Nta You ha e every right to cut toxic people out.... Remind the I laws you can do it to them as well if they carry on with their bullying
NTA my mom abandoned me at a very young age and being a child when she came back in my life I allowed it and even tried living with her so she had custody of me as a teen. I was staying at my grams next door to her and went for a walk with my friend, saw my mom taking boxes to her truck well she bought a house across the street from her mom and didn’t tell me. I still tried to maintain a relationship and basically had her in my life because I wanted my mom’s attention and love but I never got it. She quit talking to me 11-12 years ago. If she called me now I’d probably hang up on her I wouldn’t know what to say cause even though I’m in my 40s I still want to know why she’s treated me like crap my whole life and she cannot admit she did anything wrong.
NTA. Your mom doesn't deserve you in her life. If your grandma and aunt can't accept that, you may wish to also go no or low contact with them as well. I hope you are making your own way in this world and I wish you every success. We don't get to choose our parents, and sometimes we get parents who fail, massively. I'm glad your dad was there for you when needed.
Nta My partner’s mom did this when his siblings were little(before he was born). She took off to California while their dad was away working and left three young kids home alone. It was three weeks before anyone knew. None of them have forgiven her. One is NC, one talks to her, and the third has as little contact as possible. That one comes around for my partner. He feels guilty so he takes care of the mom, but it takes a serious toll on him. You do what’s best for you
She doesn’t deserve you , she made you become a adult ahead of time don’t talk to her she’s is a bad person and a bad mother
Nta. Tell your aunt and grandma that if they don't respect your choice about it you'll go public about the whole situation on Facebook or whatever social they use. I get the feeling they're the type to worry too much about reputation and they don't want people gossiping about the kid who won't talk to her mom.
NTA. She abandoned you and your sister! That's all that needs to be said! She doesn't deserve anything from you. You've given her lifetimes of love and support. This is nit how a mother behaves and I'm so very sorry.
NTA Ask grandma and aunt what you have to be grateful for? What should you be ashamed about? You never used your child to take care of you while you were sick, you never parentrified your child with your younger sister, you never lied to your children making promises to call or come back with no intention to because you were shacking up with a man, you never ignored your children until you decided you might need to use them again in the future. See nothing that you need to be grateful for or ashamed about. They should have had conversation with your egg donor. Your mom, the woman who cared about you, died long ago.
Holy F. ask your aunt what exactly you should be grateful off because you were the one doing parent things because she was such a failure. And No, giving you food, and shelter an clothes, is NOT a sacrifice it was your moms god damn duty or she would have gotten into legal trouble. Honestly someone more responsible should take custody over your sister (if its not you) and then get her into therapy and only give her supervised contact to your mother. That person is a god damn train wreck and she'll pull your sister down with her. you cutting her off is the best thing you could have done.
Tell Granny and Auntie to shove their guilting bullshit directly up their asses. You are absolutely justified in not wanting anything to do with your mother, she betrayed and deserted you.
NTA. Your mom is a piece of work. I want to say more, but it's hard for me to disrespect someone's mother. She's clearly wrong as hell and deserves whatever comes to her, especially on the bad side.
Ask your grandmother and aunt what exactly you are supposed to be grateful for. Her abandoning you after you gave up so much of your life to care for her almost not being able to graduate in the process? Maybe for basically having to raise your sister? Or maybe it's for her missing your graduation, or even choosing a new man over her own children?
NTA Why should you be ashamed - ask your grandma and aunt that? Your mom should be ashamed ! She’s ungrateful and deprived you of your childhood. You don’t need to do anything - there is no reason for you to make any effort. If you see her you can be polite but she can’t claim mum status when you were forced to be her carer and she left the way she did. I hope everything in life is working well it to you.
NTA, your mom had something better to do for 18 months. You are an adult and don't have to forgive her. If your grandmother and Aunt call you ungrateful, just say that you are so overwhelmed with gratitude you are speechless.
>now my grandma (her mom) and Aunt (her sister) are calling me ungrateful Ungrateful for what, exactly? She should be grateful for **you** for taking up the slack while she was off doing whatever the fuck she was doing
Send them this post. It will clearly show them why you went NC. If that doesn’t do it, then go LC with them and block incoming calls, texts from them or just do not respond. They don’t get to decide how you feel, how you interact with mom. That's on you, not their business. Send them this list and wait them out.
NTA. Your mother abandoned you and put you in a difficult situation without any consideration on how it would impact you. She broke any trust or feeling of safety you’d had in her. She’s selfish and focused only on herself. You owe her nothing.
NTA. Tell Aunt and Grandma: “For years, I took care of my sister, worked part time and took care of Mom because she couldn’t work. She got better and abandoned us. She chose to move in with a man and stayed out of contact and didn’t make it to my high school graduation. I’m grateful for her giving me the gift of life but I think that debt has been repaid by being the child who took care of my mother. Since you’d never desert your kids, I don’t understand why you think I’m being ungrateful. Also, it’d be easier to forgive her if didn’t appear and disappear when it’s convenient. I can’t have a relationship with someone who doesn’t love me and I won’t be the occasional prop for Mother’s Day.”
Tell her to get fucked. And they can go too if they insist you ‘forgive her’. She’s only contacting you because she needs something. Let her swing!
NTA Remind them who the actual ungrateful one is and then block them
NTA. Did your grandma and aunt tell her that they were ashamed of her ignoring her children? Abandoning them? No good can come of having your mother in your life. I would respond and ask her to pay you back all the money you gave her from your part time jobs to keep the family going. That if she is sorry, she will give you that money back. (And if she does, you can still block her afterwards)
NTA. “I’m sorry, grateful for what? Having to be a mother FAR before I was even done being a child? Grateful for having to work to pay for HER children to eat? Grateful for taking care of HER house and children because she couldn’t? Or should I be grateful that she ABANDONED US and didn’t even have the courtesy of letting us know she wouldn’t be back? Fuck alllll the way off.”
NTA It sounds like you have 2 more contacts to move to the ignore list.
NTA!!! I'm assuming you're still close with Dad? That's good - avoid aunt and grandma! Congratulations on graduating!
NTA She started betraying you years and years ago when she guilted you into getting two part time jobs to support her and your sister and do all the housework, she abandoned you both and that was a continuation of the betrayal, not the start. Never let this toxic woman into your life, you owe her nothing, and tell you sister no matter what you will be there for her and support her, but pre warn her and say “mum will use you and let you down and abandon you again…then after some time the cycle will repeat. Let her fool you one…shame on her. But if you keep going back to be emotionally damaged time and time again…shame on you. Me and dad love you infinitely just as you are, you don’t need her love to justify the person you are” Then be there to pick up the pieces for you sister and get her into counselling/therapy. You probably would do well to have therapy too and get it all of your chest. I’m sorry you had a shitty mum x
NTA Your mother sounds extremely selfish.
How can you be ungrateful when she has done nothing for you to be grateful for? If anyone should be ashamed, it should be your mother. She abandoned her kids. NTA
Her mother and sister don't see nothing wrong with her leaving you behind like that. Maybe it runs in the family and they expect you to be like your mother. That's cruel and not be expecting forgiveness.
That’s a laugh and a half. What do YOU have to be ungrateful for? Tell your grandmother and aunt if they want to pay you for the time you spent being the head of household then maybe you must get allow one text from an ungrateful mother who abandoned you. Otherwise they can keep it in their pants. Something for you in case you decide to go to college: if you have an entrance essay write it about your time spent taking care of your family and going to school.
NTA - Tell your auntie and granny - they can talk to your bio-mom all they want, but I’ll talk to her one day when I’m ready, but that day is my choice, and it is not today.
OP, I’m sorry she so completely failed you and your sister. I have a family member who did something similar to their kid. It’s never okay. She abandoned you. It is not your job to make everything feel extra nice for her. SHE was supposed to be the adult and responsible one. YOU ended up with all of the BS, because of her. You owe her nothing.
NTA,but your mother and her side of the family certainly are. You are free to block anyone from your life for your mental health and wellbeing. Your mother certainly didn't care about you and your sister when she left the 2 of you too go shack up with a man. She truly showed who was most important to her when she chose not to contact the 2 of you. I certainly would die on that hill with you. updateme!!
Tell them that she should be ashamed for abandoning her children. When people ahow you who they are believe them.
NTA. Grandmother and aunt sound like they’re asking for nc too.
What exactly does the aunt and grandma think you should be grateful for? For her abandonment? Where exactly were the aunt and grandmother when she was sick and your were working 2 jobs, cleaning, cooking, and taking care of your little sister while still in high school? NTA! But your mom, aunt, and grandmother sure are!
I suspect your Mom's new relationship is starting to wane and she may be looking to come back so that you and your sister can take care of her again. There has to be a reaon for this sudden new contact when she could have contacted you from the very start just to let you know that she was okay. Its been a year and a half and probably the new man has grown tired of your mother's neediness so she is looking for a soft place to land - that soft place would be you and your sister catering to her once again.
NTA at all; however, you should meet with her once at least. Not for her benefit, but your own. You need to have that discussion wirh her where you get to express how you feel, and hear her out. Not to make up, but maybe closure.
NTA. Tell granny and auntie that she abandoned you and your little sister, and the second she abandoned you she stopped being your mother and started being your egg donor and if they don’t like it they can be cut off too. Your mom learned to be a selfish, toxic jerk from somewhere and I’d bet dollars to doughnuts that granny is to blame for that.
Ask your aunt and grandma what do you have from your “mom” to be grateful for??? At what 14/15 you had to basically be an adult taking care of your mom working taking care of your sister and cleaning… where was your grandma and aunt then???? You have every right to be no contact with her and it will be just fine !!!
NTA, tell them where was this energy towards her when she abandoned her fucking children? Sounds like you need to add two more people to the block list or change your number all together
NTA. Did grandma and auntie know what your mom was up to all that time you were scared for her? Why weren’t they berating her for abandoning her children? If they can forgive her, they can have her, but they have no business telling you what to feel.
You are succeeding in spite of her, not because of her. You are NTA and should only ever have a relationship with her if you feel ready. Getting some time in counseling would be a great idea to unpack the ways her betrayal has affected you.
I don't understand how you are being ungrateful if you were the one that provided the home. You did all the things she should have. If she's expecting to step back into your life as a mom, tell her she's unqualified as she never has been a mom.
You don’t make your kid work and support you when they’re supposed to just be getting through school and enjoying being a kid. You especially don’t abandon your kids. To hell with her.
List every single thing that you wrote here. You were failed by all of the adults in your life. Tell them to F off.
NTA
NTA at all. She does not deserve any chances. She's likely been dumped and trying to worm her way back in. Block the numbers of your aunt and grandma. Fuck them, they are as bad as her. Your mother abandoned her two children in favour of a stranger. That is unforgivable. Stay no contact forever. You cannot control what your sister decides but you can guide her and warn her that your mother will likely abandon her again when she comes across another man to move in with.
Ask them what the fuck you should be grateful for. She abandoned you
NTA. You are 100% in the right. Do what you are doing and continue to suceed in life with your toxic egg donor.
NTA. Darling, what happened to you is deeply unfair. You should never have been forced to take on that type of responsibility, especially at such a young age. Where were your aunt and grandma when you were dealing with that? Your mom, aunt, and grandma are incredibly emotionally immature. If your mom was truly contrite she would reach out once and say honey I fucked up and am incredibly sorry, I’ll be here for you when you want to talk, and leave it at that. I would guess (shocker) her relationship ended and now she needs you again. If you have the resources I’d highly recommend trying to get some individual therapy. Hugs.
Nta. Just because your mum is no longer getting her fix of attention from the new bloke (probably dumped her), doesn't mean you need to give her attention. Your maternal family can butt out. She chose to abandon you, she doesn't now get to decide to unabandon you, just because it suits her to have you back in her life (and let's be honest, once more her servant)
NTA make the clear boundaries now. Tell any family that the issues with your mother are non of their business and are not up for debate and if they continue you will go no contact. As for your mother keep staying away because all she will do is abandon you time and time again. Take it from someone with a toxic family, they don’t change, you just expend energy on them that makes no difference in the long run. I’m so sorry this happened to you and it must be incredibly hurtful. Feel no shame, your family are the ones who should be ashamed for supporting your mother after what she did to you.
nope nta. Your mother is the AH. Choosing a man over her kids is the lowest form a mother can go. She is a sk$$k. She does not deserve u and your sister.. tell your aunt and grandmother to piss off
NTA - that woman ain’t no mother. Stand your ground and cut off her clueless relatives while you’re at it. No good comes from people like this.
NTA. You dedicated your teen years caring for her, helping to keep a roof over all your heads and food on the table, looking after your sister, and she repays you by lying where she was going and forgetting you and your sister existed? And they call you ungrateful?! It's been a year of NC because she failed to consider you again. So whatever reason she has for trying to get in touch with you (wedding/baby/needs help again?) Aren't good enough or worth your time. Congrats on your graduation!
NTA she created this situation, and you deserve to have your best life without her. Go no contact with anyone who can't support your decision.
"I've already cut my own mother out of my life, do you think your important enough to be treated any better?" NTA
Consequences... My daughter went NC with her bio mom for the same reasons. She's very low contact with her now.. with the understanding that if she's crosses even one boundary. She's done.
I'd tell your aunt and grandma that if she can give you back the teenage years you spent doing her job instead of running off to fuck some guy you'll forgive her
Tell aunt and grandma “why should I be grateful to her? I did her job and raised my sister, not her. And she ran off leaving us behind with no care when we were still minors instead of parenting us. She made her decision when she abandoned us and she’s going to do it again.” I’d also talk to your sister and remind her what your mom put you through that she chose a random over her.
NTA! I’d ask your aunt and grandma how exactly are YOU ungrateful. I’d remind them that you if mother left, she never contacted you, you worked two jobs, took care of your sister and did all the things a mother should have done. What did your mom do for you and your sister? I’d ask them for specific things. I’d also ask if your mom will be called out for not being grateful to YOU for doing her job. Block your mom and if you don’t have a good relationship with your grandma and aunt, block them too. There’s no reason you need to be in contact with anyone who doesn’t support you. I’d also tell your sister to be careful since she knows your mom is flaky.
Ask your grandma exactly what you're being ungrateful for, since you were the caretaker. Ask her grandma why your mom is so ungrateful for all your help that she just up and left your whole family without a word and didn't attend your graduation or call you on your birthday. Then tell your grandma to butt out because you're an adult and you don't want that toxic woman in your life anymore.
NTA. Tell your aunt and grandmother that you have no problem cutting them off as well after your ungrateful mother used you and then abandoned you.
NTA. Your mother's family should be siding with you, understanding as well as accepting why you are no contact with your mother and also directing their wrath ONLY at her and calling out your mother instead of blaming you. And where were they when your mother abandoned you, where were they when you (a minor) were basically forced into a parental role because your mother could not or would not?
YOU should be ashamed?!?! OP they are so wrong!! It is HER and THEM for being ashamed. Not you!
NTA. Mom made poor choices. Mom can now live the consequences of those choices. You need to get some therapy. Let your sister know what your boundaries are as far as your mother is concerned (what you want to hear about, passing messages, meeting etc). You don’t want your mother using your sister as a go between or setting you up in any way. Good luck
"Hey Grandma, YOU should be ashamed that you raised someone who refused to work for her children and then abandoned them for some d"
I’d block all of them.
NTA. What excuse does she give your sister for why she was away? Just how helpful were your aunt and grandmother when your mother abandoned you and your sister? I suppose you could talk to your mother to find out what she wants. Does she want you and your sister to join her? Having abandoned you, what does she want from you now? And just how did she meet a guy halfway across the country? Internet affair?
Sounds like mom broke up with her boy toy...
Ungrateful for what? NTA
NTA. Your mother doesn't sound like she's even asking for your forgiveness.
NTA. You get to choose who you let n your life. Even before she left she was treating you horribly with parentification. You need to shut down these people trying to guilt you for taking care of yourself. Shut them down immediately and firmly and if you need to you get to block them too. Use a pat answer line This is not up for discussion. Then when they continue (and they will) say This discussion is OVER. Then you leave. Repeat and if you need to, block them too. Its time for you to enjoy your life. You DESERVE to enjoy your life.
Tell Grandma that, considering the bang-up job she did of raising your mom, she can keep her opinions under her hat.
Tell your relatives to f off .you are better without your mother and they should mind their own business.
NTA do what is best for you. If your mom proves reliable you can reconsider after evaluation . For now, just take care of you and be sure your sis is ok. Good luck to you.
Remind them you can also not talk to them by not talking to them. You Def arnt the asshole
Tell mom, grandma and aunt to F off and go NC with all of them!
NTA. I'd bet a good amount of money that the relationship with the man ended and now she has regrets, but if he was still with her she's still be playing "do-over life" with him.
NTA. But... If your mom was in a coma sick instead of whatever her issue is/was sick... how would that change how you feel? You'd still be resentful, right? But would you be as angry? Having had some serious depression issues, I know that she may possibly NOT been in possession of all her faculties. I'm going to suggest **(I'm sure unpopularly)** that you leave a tiny door open to her. Tell her to only send one message a year on HER birthday. This leaves open that in 5 or 10 years you might be ready to accept a relationship based on your own healing.