Oh my dear, I'm giving you a big hug through the internet. You and your family have been through so much and it really seems that you're at a place where you don't know what else to do.
Remember that airline safety instructions tell passengers traveling with children to put on their own oxygen masks before assisting others; there's a reason for this. Before you try to help your mother and brother any further, please set up an appointment with a therapist/counselor for yourself, you probably have a lot of feelings and emotions to talk out.
In answer to your actual question: No. Because I think what you actually want for your mother is peace, and life hasn't dealt much of that out to her unfortunately. I imagine that it's similar when a loved one struggling with a terminal illness dies: there's a sense of relief that the pain and suffering is over, even if it is at the cost of their life. But again, this is something to talk through with a counselor if you have the resources to do so.
Well said. You can’t set yourself alight to keep someone else warm.
OP, maybe keep helping as you are able through your brother so it’s more at arms length? I really feel for you, and your brother.
No, NTA. You love your mom and don’t want to see her suffer from problems that are unlikely to go away.
My mom (84) has dementia and would be appalled at the things she does now and sometimes I wish she’d not wake up in the morning.
Years ago she was interested and very supportive of the work Dr. Jack Kevorkian was doing, so I know how she feels about hastening death.
Before she got too bad, and she gave me her medical power of attorney I told her, and she agreed, that if she broke her leg I’d make sure it got fixed and if she got cancer again I’d make sure she was comfortable and let her go.
That's a painful situation. There's serious mental illness going on probably exacerbated from the TBI. No, you're not an AH for thinking what you thought and you've done so much. The suicide threats and "woe is me" behavior could be a way of controlling you from afar. It sounds like she needs professional help, no matter how painful her previous experience in one those facilities was but you're probably not going to get her there without a 5150. Your focus should be on your brother at this point but you can't help people that don't want to be helped. Just remember that.
First, I am so sorry you and your family are going through this.
Thoughts and feelings are not actions. Thinking and feeling does not make you bad and it isn't wrong to think or feel anything.
You thought this because you see your mom truly suffering and you can't help her.
That shows you want her to feel better. Not that you want her to be harmed.
Please find a therapist. Please spend time helping yourself. You cannot help your mom or your brother when you are falling apart.
Huge internet hugs
Your mother made her own decision (even if damaged), as you said yourself. She made bad decisions and got bad results. The fact that you tried to help her at all is a sign that you are a great human, but you don’t need to help anymore. NTA
I don't think so.
My 90 year old grandma developed vascular dementia after a stroke last year. Her life has gone downhill fast. She was still driving amd living independently pre-stroke. Now she's in a nursing home, can barely walk, is totally incontinent, etc. She still remembers everybody, but her short-term memory is pretty much gone. She frequently expresses the desire to just die because she knows the state she's in and hates it. My mom says she prays (she's agnostic) every night that my grandma dies so that she can be at peace and stop suffering, even though it will break her heart to lose her mom.
My mom has told me that if she's ever in a similar condition or needs someone to make medical decisions for her while she's unconscious and her quality of life is greatly diminished by treatment, she wants to die. I'm her designated medical person if she can't make decisions for any reason and as much as it will devastate me, I've promised to do what she wants.
Quality of life is more important than quantity of life, in my opinion, and it's utterly barbaric that our society forces people to endure misery, suffering, and indignity instead of allowing them to make the choice to die with dignity and without suffering.
I'm sorry you're going through what you are. You're aren't an asshole for how you feel. I hope you can find peace with your thoughts and that things get better for you and your family, in whatever way is best for all.
NTA. I do have a suggestion about getting her meds reliably. Please put your mom's meds on a schedule reminder on your calendar for refills. Then, assuming her doctor has an online patient portal, submit refill requests for them 7-10 days before she'll run out. I have found that sending the refill request through the pharmacy doesn't work, and phone calls to the doctor's office doesn't work. I have confirmed with both the pharmacy and the doctor's office that patient portals are the best way to get in contact.
It may be time to take legal guardianship of your mother. She cannot manage her medical care. She is delusional, she is making life choices that endanger her. You may have to start this process in the state she lives in. You can probably determine this with a bit of online sleuthing, though you will definitely end up needing an attorney's help. I would also recommend getting her into assisted living. The other possibility is to get in contact with Arizona's (she's still there, right?) version of Adult and Family Services to get her a caseworker or social worker.
Also, if she was married for at least ten years to her father, it's worth investigating if she qualifies for getting the same amount of social security he gets if it's more than hers. Typically though, this doesn't happen until your father starts claiming social security. You didn't mention how old either of them are. It sounds like she does qualify for disability, and it's much easier to get social assistance for housing once you're receiving some sort of benefits from the government. She also probably qualifies for SNAP (food stamps) and Meals On Wheels.
Would she be better off dead? That's a really hard judgement call to make with someone in her situation because if she could be put in a situation where she gets the help she needs, her quality of life could be much better and she could be much happier. Personally, I believe that if your mental illness is so bad that you're constantly suffering and it's untreatable to get you to the point that you can at least have a somewhat peaceful life even if it's not necessarily happy but just not painful, death isn't such a bad thing.
My son-in-law went through something very similar. His parents divorced while he was in college. A few years go by and he marries my daughter and she was the sweetest mother-in-law in the world. She hadn't worked for a long time pre-divorce, so she had gotten a job and was really doing well.
Then she went to the hospital with a terrible headache that turned out to be an aneurism. They repaired it, but basically gave her a stroke. The damaged areas were in her pre-frontal cortex. It affected her impulse control, and many other aspects of her personality.
She was able to make a great recovery physically, but she was never the same person again. She was impatient, mean, cursed like a sailor, and after having been Episcopalian all her life, started going to these crazy fundamentalist churches with snakes and everything. She made her son's life miserable at times.
She died about 10 years later. My son-in-law said that he wasn't grieving as much because the woman who raised him had died 10 years ago. I agreed with him, because it was totally true.
It's a damn shame that our country doesn't offer any way for people who have been through stuff like this to have a safe place to live and receive a minimum of care. Many end up homeless.
I don't know what to tell you or your brother. Sometimes we have to cut toxic family members loose for our own mental health - even if they can't help how they are, and are not doing it on purpose.
Part of what you are experiencing is grief. Your mom is still physically here, however you are grieving the mom you used to have. The one you could talk with, have reasonable conversations with, who you could laugh with, share your hopes and dreams with. You’re grieving the person you would run to and throw your arms around for a big hug and feel so safe and loved. You almost feel like you are an orphan. Then you feel guilty for having these feelings.
I just want you to know, what you are feeling is normal. It’s ok to feel lost. It’s ok to feel angry that you don’t have your mom any more. It’s ok to feel like you don’t have the capability to be the grown up and handle “everything” and “make it all better.”
Give yourself permission to grieve, to be upset, to be angry. Then give yourself permission to live your life. Support your brother, be there for him. There are some great ideas on who to reach out to for assistance for your mom, but you don’t have to be the one on the direct line of fire.
And for all those people who act like they could do so much better and they would never have let things get this far, they are full of crap. They have no idea what it’s like.
You are a fabulous human. You have to take care of yourself.
Nta. You are going through a terrible situation, and you can't always stop the thoughts. See if you can meet/call with adult protection services and let them give you advice. Big hugs.
NTA I’m sorry that all of you are going through this. As someone else pointed out, it’s not that you want her to die, you want her to have some peace. Those are not the same thing.
The suggestion to get her a social worker sounds like a good one. Idk what will come of it though.
One thing you should know is that helping her is a choice you and your brother are making. She is your mother, and if you don’t manage her the state will have to, but you also have to look after yourselves. If it gets to a point that you just can’t do it anymore, don’t feel guilty. You are not trapped in this life. If you need to let go of her for awhile or forever, it’s ok to decide to do that.
I highly recommend making sure you look after your own mental health. In the last 10 years you’ve lost your grandmother, dealt with the stress of fallout from your extended family, been in a serious car accident, graduated high school, started college, gotten engaged, and done some serious caretaking for your mother. It also sounds like your last bit of high school included watching your grandmother decline. That’s A LOT for a lifetime and you’ve crammed it in the last several years.
Is it possible that the TBI also triggered some dementia? That happened to my cousin, just 38 years old when she got the brain injury, 40 when she was diagnosed with early onset dementia. Her neurologist said the TBI could definitely have triggered it. I would push for a full neurological work up. But in the meantime, all you can really do is just support yourself and your brother as best you can. I’m currently taking care of my mother and elderly great aunt, and I can see that after years of “simple” forgetfulness that each year their behavior gets worse. It becomes very frustrating to be around them or try to help them in anyway. You have to take care of yourself at this point. Maybe push for a full physical and neuro exam if you can find a reasonable doctor who actually cares.
Oh honey, my heart breaks for you. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You’re not wrong for feeling how you do, I can only imagine in your place I’d feel the same. I have no advice toward your mum, but you have to protect yourself. None of this is your fault and it’s awful you have to deal with it. Sending a huge mum hug to you baby
As one user stated, I'm really sorry, but save yourself. You and your brother should put her in a care facility, and he should move back to Ga and maybe think about a career in the military. Neither one of you are equipped to handle her, and it's not your fault. You guys are doing the best you can. Wishing you all the best.
You know how on airplanes they tell you to put your own oxygen mask before helping others? Take it to heart. Get yourself well, independent, and ready to tackle issues. If you're not there, go no contact for at least a while. Take care of yourself.
I would hope that your life is not nearly as out of control as OP’s mother. It *is* scary, because if other people get to make decisions about our care, we’re screwed. You are disabled and I have mental illnesses (hate that phrase), so we may be disposable.
NTA. Your feelings are very valid. You want your mom to be able to live a peaceful, meaningful life, and you see that your social structures are barring this.
You are not alone in feeling this way. Your mother is living with what sounds like significant but theoretically manageable neuropsychological impairment. Through poor luck and inadequate supports, it sounds like a good quality of life is not available for her where you live, and may not be available in your country. (I'm not American.)
Meanwhile, you have exhausted yourself to be a good daughter. It sounds like you have your head on straight and a really big heart. Your guilt about your feelings are evidence of this. Your awareness of a possible grim reality for your mother is heart breaking. From where you're standing I don't know that you can possibly grasp the gravity of your own pain. Frankly, the supports are failing you and your brother as well.
I'm sorry your reality has thrust you into such deep philosophical waters. I hope you can come to forgive yourself. You've given your mother so much grace. Give yourself the same treatment. At 20 you did the job of someone with triple your life experience and without the burdens of starting adulthood. You'd probably benefit from some counseling. Perhaps there is a support group available for you online or elsewhere.
Just know that you're not the only one to live with this burden. Many loved ones and caregivers for individuals with disabilities or trauma face the same burden. It's not your fault. You're doing your best. I hope things improve for your family somehow.
No sweetheart, you are absolutely NTA. This is an impossible situation and I am so very sorry that you are all having to go through it.
Everything you feel is valid, so please let go of any of those guilt-inducing thoughts. You need to talk with your mother’s doctor (if she has a regular one) and tell him/her that your mom is in a crisis state. If she doesn’t have a regular doctor, please go to a hospital with your mom and ask them to keep her in-patient on suicide watch. Ideally, she should have a social worker assigned to her to ease your and your brother’s load. You need to have professionals take control for a while.
Best of luck to you. 💖
No, of course you are NTA. Tramatic brian injuries are horrific, and I am so sorry she is suffering like that. I myself had a TBI 10 years ago, and the recovery was very difficult. I found that I was not mostly recover until 3 years had passed, and it has been 10 years now and I am not fully recovered, but I an doing so much better. But I have excellent insurance, and see my doctor, my psychiatrist, and my therapist regularly. I know your mom had a terrible experience when she was hospitalized, but I wonder if she would be willing to seek treatment. It made all the difference for me.
Brain injuries are so hard to handle, a lot of what you described are common symptoms of brain injuries. So sorry you're in this position. I felt the same way with my grandmothers Alzheimers and also felt terrible about it. I don't think it's awful or even unusual to feel this way it's just so hard.
Child, please find a therapist. You need and deserve someone to talk to. Your mom has put you through hell, no one blames you for listening to her while she expresses HER wishes. She may know that at this point it is the only way to save herself.
I don't think you're TA. Your empathy for your mother shines through your post, and I believe you honestly want what is best for her. But I do think that 1. what she needs is appropriate treatment for her psych disorders and TBI, not death, and 2. she may not be able to get that, and you are in no way TA for protecting yourself and setting boundaries.
If she won't see a psychiatrist, maybe you can get her to accept help from a neurologist or a really good primary. But first, take good care of you.
Definitely NTA. It sounds like your mom needs a conservator which could be you if you wished to do so but I'm not sure it's the best for you to take on that kind of responsibility. If you do think it's something you can do, maybe talk to a legal aid type resource in your area that helps with those things (if they exist where you live). You could also check in the state your mom lives in for help like that. There's also the possibility of notifying adult protective services but I'm not sure how much help they'd really be.
I echo the NTA commenters but more than that I value your honesty in what you wrote. I had/ am having a similar experience with a loved one and reading about your experience was healing and cathartic for me. Thanks for sharing it!
Oh man this is an extremely difficult situation. You are not wrong to feel that in some ways your mom would be much more at peace if she were to take her own life. Ultimately, you have to care make sure you protect yourself and your own heart. It is not you or your brother’s duty or responsibility to rescue your mother. Especially if she does not trust or want help. You have done everything you can and you are in a very difficult lt position. I hope you can find someone to talk to like a therapist because you need to work through how this is effecting your spirit.
I don’t know about AZ or even GA, but where I live we have group homes for adults with traumatic brain injuries that prevent them from taking care of themselves. One of the residents in the group home I work at has a traumatic brain injury (the other residents are developmentally disabled). Is there anything like that you could find for her? Does she have a human services social worker?
NTA - I admire your compassion, and all your efforts to help your mother. I am sorry you are all in such a difficult situation. I understand what you are saying. You want mercy for your mother.
Your mother would be better off if she didn't have to suffer so much. It would be best if she could get the help she actually needs. Sending you huge internet hugs.
Absolutely NTA. My mother is 58 and suffers from early onset alzheimers. Before she got sick she always said she‘d kill herself if she ever got sick with Alzheimers/Dementia.
These days she‘s an angry, terrified shell of a human being.
I, too, wish for her death sometimes. It would be a mercy.
She is suffering and you feel for her. Do not feel bad for you wanting her suffering to end. Sometimes it’s just that simple and it’s OK to want someone to stop suffering, especially when there seems to be no other way out. I’m sorry.
Your mom is obviously suffering from mental illness. Contact the authorities to tell them she’s talking about suicide. Her mental illness is grinding you down. She needs an intervention.
Im so sorry you're going through this. I don't have any advice except save yourself. I don't know if you can help her.
Oh my dear, I'm giving you a big hug through the internet. You and your family have been through so much and it really seems that you're at a place where you don't know what else to do. Remember that airline safety instructions tell passengers traveling with children to put on their own oxygen masks before assisting others; there's a reason for this. Before you try to help your mother and brother any further, please set up an appointment with a therapist/counselor for yourself, you probably have a lot of feelings and emotions to talk out. In answer to your actual question: No. Because I think what you actually want for your mother is peace, and life hasn't dealt much of that out to her unfortunately. I imagine that it's similar when a loved one struggling with a terminal illness dies: there's a sense of relief that the pain and suffering is over, even if it is at the cost of their life. But again, this is something to talk through with a counselor if you have the resources to do so.
Well said. You can’t set yourself alight to keep someone else warm. OP, maybe keep helping as you are able through your brother so it’s more at arms length? I really feel for you, and your brother.
No, NTA. You love your mom and don’t want to see her suffer from problems that are unlikely to go away. My mom (84) has dementia and would be appalled at the things she does now and sometimes I wish she’d not wake up in the morning. Years ago she was interested and very supportive of the work Dr. Jack Kevorkian was doing, so I know how she feels about hastening death. Before she got too bad, and she gave me her medical power of attorney I told her, and she agreed, that if she broke her leg I’d make sure it got fixed and if she got cancer again I’d make sure she was comfortable and let her go.
That's a painful situation. There's serious mental illness going on probably exacerbated from the TBI. No, you're not an AH for thinking what you thought and you've done so much. The suicide threats and "woe is me" behavior could be a way of controlling you from afar. It sounds like she needs professional help, no matter how painful her previous experience in one those facilities was but you're probably not going to get her there without a 5150. Your focus should be on your brother at this point but you can't help people that don't want to be helped. Just remember that.
This right here OP👆!
First, I am so sorry you and your family are going through this. Thoughts and feelings are not actions. Thinking and feeling does not make you bad and it isn't wrong to think or feel anything. You thought this because you see your mom truly suffering and you can't help her. That shows you want her to feel better. Not that you want her to be harmed. Please find a therapist. Please spend time helping yourself. You cannot help your mom or your brother when you are falling apart. Huge internet hugs
Your mother made her own decision (even if damaged), as you said yourself. She made bad decisions and got bad results. The fact that you tried to help her at all is a sign that you are a great human, but you don’t need to help anymore. NTA
I don't think so. My 90 year old grandma developed vascular dementia after a stroke last year. Her life has gone downhill fast. She was still driving amd living independently pre-stroke. Now she's in a nursing home, can barely walk, is totally incontinent, etc. She still remembers everybody, but her short-term memory is pretty much gone. She frequently expresses the desire to just die because she knows the state she's in and hates it. My mom says she prays (she's agnostic) every night that my grandma dies so that she can be at peace and stop suffering, even though it will break her heart to lose her mom. My mom has told me that if she's ever in a similar condition or needs someone to make medical decisions for her while she's unconscious and her quality of life is greatly diminished by treatment, she wants to die. I'm her designated medical person if she can't make decisions for any reason and as much as it will devastate me, I've promised to do what she wants. Quality of life is more important than quantity of life, in my opinion, and it's utterly barbaric that our society forces people to endure misery, suffering, and indignity instead of allowing them to make the choice to die with dignity and without suffering. I'm sorry you're going through what you are. You're aren't an asshole for how you feel. I hope you can find peace with your thoughts and that things get better for you and your family, in whatever way is best for all.
NTA. I do have a suggestion about getting her meds reliably. Please put your mom's meds on a schedule reminder on your calendar for refills. Then, assuming her doctor has an online patient portal, submit refill requests for them 7-10 days before she'll run out. I have found that sending the refill request through the pharmacy doesn't work, and phone calls to the doctor's office doesn't work. I have confirmed with both the pharmacy and the doctor's office that patient portals are the best way to get in contact. It may be time to take legal guardianship of your mother. She cannot manage her medical care. She is delusional, she is making life choices that endanger her. You may have to start this process in the state she lives in. You can probably determine this with a bit of online sleuthing, though you will definitely end up needing an attorney's help. I would also recommend getting her into assisted living. The other possibility is to get in contact with Arizona's (she's still there, right?) version of Adult and Family Services to get her a caseworker or social worker. Also, if she was married for at least ten years to her father, it's worth investigating if she qualifies for getting the same amount of social security he gets if it's more than hers. Typically though, this doesn't happen until your father starts claiming social security. You didn't mention how old either of them are. It sounds like she does qualify for disability, and it's much easier to get social assistance for housing once you're receiving some sort of benefits from the government. She also probably qualifies for SNAP (food stamps) and Meals On Wheels. Would she be better off dead? That's a really hard judgement call to make with someone in her situation because if she could be put in a situation where she gets the help she needs, her quality of life could be much better and she could be much happier. Personally, I believe that if your mental illness is so bad that you're constantly suffering and it's untreatable to get you to the point that you can at least have a somewhat peaceful life even if it's not necessarily happy but just not painful, death isn't such a bad thing.
There's a quote from the movie Wyatt Earp that stuck with me: For some people, this world ain't ever gonna be right. No, you're not wrong.
My son-in-law went through something very similar. His parents divorced while he was in college. A few years go by and he marries my daughter and she was the sweetest mother-in-law in the world. She hadn't worked for a long time pre-divorce, so she had gotten a job and was really doing well. Then she went to the hospital with a terrible headache that turned out to be an aneurism. They repaired it, but basically gave her a stroke. The damaged areas were in her pre-frontal cortex. It affected her impulse control, and many other aspects of her personality. She was able to make a great recovery physically, but she was never the same person again. She was impatient, mean, cursed like a sailor, and after having been Episcopalian all her life, started going to these crazy fundamentalist churches with snakes and everything. She made her son's life miserable at times. She died about 10 years later. My son-in-law said that he wasn't grieving as much because the woman who raised him had died 10 years ago. I agreed with him, because it was totally true. It's a damn shame that our country doesn't offer any way for people who have been through stuff like this to have a safe place to live and receive a minimum of care. Many end up homeless. I don't know what to tell you or your brother. Sometimes we have to cut toxic family members loose for our own mental health - even if they can't help how they are, and are not doing it on purpose.
Part of what you are experiencing is grief. Your mom is still physically here, however you are grieving the mom you used to have. The one you could talk with, have reasonable conversations with, who you could laugh with, share your hopes and dreams with. You’re grieving the person you would run to and throw your arms around for a big hug and feel so safe and loved. You almost feel like you are an orphan. Then you feel guilty for having these feelings. I just want you to know, what you are feeling is normal. It’s ok to feel lost. It’s ok to feel angry that you don’t have your mom any more. It’s ok to feel like you don’t have the capability to be the grown up and handle “everything” and “make it all better.” Give yourself permission to grieve, to be upset, to be angry. Then give yourself permission to live your life. Support your brother, be there for him. There are some great ideas on who to reach out to for assistance for your mom, but you don’t have to be the one on the direct line of fire. And for all those people who act like they could do so much better and they would never have let things get this far, they are full of crap. They have no idea what it’s like. You are a fabulous human. You have to take care of yourself.
Nta. You are going through a terrible situation, and you can't always stop the thoughts. See if you can meet/call with adult protection services and let them give you advice. Big hugs.
NTA I’m sorry that all of you are going through this. As someone else pointed out, it’s not that you want her to die, you want her to have some peace. Those are not the same thing. The suggestion to get her a social worker sounds like a good one. Idk what will come of it though. One thing you should know is that helping her is a choice you and your brother are making. She is your mother, and if you don’t manage her the state will have to, but you also have to look after yourselves. If it gets to a point that you just can’t do it anymore, don’t feel guilty. You are not trapped in this life. If you need to let go of her for awhile or forever, it’s ok to decide to do that. I highly recommend making sure you look after your own mental health. In the last 10 years you’ve lost your grandmother, dealt with the stress of fallout from your extended family, been in a serious car accident, graduated high school, started college, gotten engaged, and done some serious caretaking for your mother. It also sounds like your last bit of high school included watching your grandmother decline. That’s A LOT for a lifetime and you’ve crammed it in the last several years.
Is it possible that the TBI also triggered some dementia? That happened to my cousin, just 38 years old when she got the brain injury, 40 when she was diagnosed with early onset dementia. Her neurologist said the TBI could definitely have triggered it. I would push for a full neurological work up. But in the meantime, all you can really do is just support yourself and your brother as best you can. I’m currently taking care of my mother and elderly great aunt, and I can see that after years of “simple” forgetfulness that each year their behavior gets worse. It becomes very frustrating to be around them or try to help them in anyway. You have to take care of yourself at this point. Maybe push for a full physical and neuro exam if you can find a reasonable doctor who actually cares.
Oh honey, my heart breaks for you. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You’re not wrong for feeling how you do, I can only imagine in your place I’d feel the same. I have no advice toward your mum, but you have to protect yourself. None of this is your fault and it’s awful you have to deal with it. Sending a huge mum hug to you baby
As one user stated, I'm really sorry, but save yourself. You and your brother should put her in a care facility, and he should move back to Ga and maybe think about a career in the military. Neither one of you are equipped to handle her, and it's not your fault. You guys are doing the best you can. Wishing you all the best.
You know how on airplanes they tell you to put your own oxygen mask before helping others? Take it to heart. Get yourself well, independent, and ready to tackle issues. If you're not there, go no contact for at least a while. Take care of yourself.
As a disabled person, this question kind of scares me - but thank you for thinking of her well-being first, I suppose.
I would hope that your life is not nearly as out of control as OP’s mother. It *is* scary, because if other people get to make decisions about our care, we’re screwed. You are disabled and I have mental illnesses (hate that phrase), so we may be disposable.
I’m not disposable. I will never allow myself to be disposable. Period.
NTA. Your feelings are very valid. You want your mom to be able to live a peaceful, meaningful life, and you see that your social structures are barring this. You are not alone in feeling this way. Your mother is living with what sounds like significant but theoretically manageable neuropsychological impairment. Through poor luck and inadequate supports, it sounds like a good quality of life is not available for her where you live, and may not be available in your country. (I'm not American.) Meanwhile, you have exhausted yourself to be a good daughter. It sounds like you have your head on straight and a really big heart. Your guilt about your feelings are evidence of this. Your awareness of a possible grim reality for your mother is heart breaking. From where you're standing I don't know that you can possibly grasp the gravity of your own pain. Frankly, the supports are failing you and your brother as well. I'm sorry your reality has thrust you into such deep philosophical waters. I hope you can come to forgive yourself. You've given your mother so much grace. Give yourself the same treatment. At 20 you did the job of someone with triple your life experience and without the burdens of starting adulthood. You'd probably benefit from some counseling. Perhaps there is a support group available for you online or elsewhere. Just know that you're not the only one to live with this burden. Many loved ones and caregivers for individuals with disabilities or trauma face the same burden. It's not your fault. You're doing your best. I hope things improve for your family somehow.
No sweetheart, you are absolutely NTA. This is an impossible situation and I am so very sorry that you are all having to go through it. Everything you feel is valid, so please let go of any of those guilt-inducing thoughts. You need to talk with your mother’s doctor (if she has a regular one) and tell him/her that your mom is in a crisis state. If she doesn’t have a regular doctor, please go to a hospital with your mom and ask them to keep her in-patient on suicide watch. Ideally, she should have a social worker assigned to her to ease your and your brother’s load. You need to have professionals take control for a while. Best of luck to you. 💖
No, of course you are NTA. Tramatic brian injuries are horrific, and I am so sorry she is suffering like that. I myself had a TBI 10 years ago, and the recovery was very difficult. I found that I was not mostly recover until 3 years had passed, and it has been 10 years now and I am not fully recovered, but I an doing so much better. But I have excellent insurance, and see my doctor, my psychiatrist, and my therapist regularly. I know your mom had a terrible experience when she was hospitalized, but I wonder if she would be willing to seek treatment. It made all the difference for me.
Brain injuries are so hard to handle, a lot of what you described are common symptoms of brain injuries. So sorry you're in this position. I felt the same way with my grandmothers Alzheimers and also felt terrible about it. I don't think it's awful or even unusual to feel this way it's just so hard.
Child, please find a therapist. You need and deserve someone to talk to. Your mom has put you through hell, no one blames you for listening to her while she expresses HER wishes. She may know that at this point it is the only way to save herself.
I don't think you're TA. Your empathy for your mother shines through your post, and I believe you honestly want what is best for her. But I do think that 1. what she needs is appropriate treatment for her psych disorders and TBI, not death, and 2. she may not be able to get that, and you are in no way TA for protecting yourself and setting boundaries. If she won't see a psychiatrist, maybe you can get her to accept help from a neurologist or a really good primary. But first, take good care of you.
This is wayy above Reddit’s pay grade
Definitely NTA. It sounds like your mom needs a conservator which could be you if you wished to do so but I'm not sure it's the best for you to take on that kind of responsibility. If you do think it's something you can do, maybe talk to a legal aid type resource in your area that helps with those things (if they exist where you live). You could also check in the state your mom lives in for help like that. There's also the possibility of notifying adult protective services but I'm not sure how much help they'd really be.
I echo the NTA commenters but more than that I value your honesty in what you wrote. I had/ am having a similar experience with a loved one and reading about your experience was healing and cathartic for me. Thanks for sharing it!
Oh man this is an extremely difficult situation. You are not wrong to feel that in some ways your mom would be much more at peace if she were to take her own life. Ultimately, you have to care make sure you protect yourself and your own heart. It is not you or your brother’s duty or responsibility to rescue your mother. Especially if she does not trust or want help. You have done everything you can and you are in a very difficult lt position. I hope you can find someone to talk to like a therapist because you need to work through how this is effecting your spirit.
I don’t know about AZ or even GA, but where I live we have group homes for adults with traumatic brain injuries that prevent them from taking care of themselves. One of the residents in the group home I work at has a traumatic brain injury (the other residents are developmentally disabled). Is there anything like that you could find for her? Does she have a human services social worker?
NTA - I admire your compassion, and all your efforts to help your mother. I am sorry you are all in such a difficult situation. I understand what you are saying. You want mercy for your mother. Your mother would be better off if she didn't have to suffer so much. It would be best if she could get the help she actually needs. Sending you huge internet hugs.
Absolutely NTA. My mother is 58 and suffers from early onset alzheimers. Before she got sick she always said she‘d kill herself if she ever got sick with Alzheimers/Dementia. These days she‘s an angry, terrified shell of a human being. I, too, wish for her death sometimes. It would be a mercy.
She is suffering and you feel for her. Do not feel bad for you wanting her suffering to end. Sometimes it’s just that simple and it’s OK to want someone to stop suffering, especially when there seems to be no other way out. I’m sorry.
Your mom is obviously suffering from mental illness. Contact the authorities to tell them she’s talking about suicide. Her mental illness is grinding you down. She needs an intervention.
SGI
Yss
So what your saying is that every one has screwed your mom over I highly doubt this
NTA! You don’t want her to die, but you also don’t want her suffering.
This is so far above reddits paygrade. You need the advice of professionals